I was stressed when my 3 kids were younger but now, in my early forties, life is much “easier.” I couldn’t breastfeed because of a necessary breast reduction. Looking back now, I probably would not have liked it even if I could have. I liked seeing how much formula the kids ingested. I was so happy to have 3 c-sections, I prefer a planned due date anyway (I never went into natural labor). All my kids slept in their cribs from the day they arrived home. My kids are all delightful, bright, kind & healthy.
1
I didn't raise my daughter in a strange country, and I love her dearly, but I never felt competent. I may be just barely good enough.
I can relate...I keep this reassuring message with me always: the mere fact that one worries about being a good mother is enough to know you are one. What a relief!
What interests me is that, in spite of her complaints about her life as a mother and her dislike for parenting advice, she has made writing about mothering into her gig. If you check her twitter it seems to be just about all that she covers. So mothering turned out to be good for something...
For those who tried so hard to get or stay pregnant this is so hard to read
But I guess it's not for us.
2
Loved it. Thank you Olga for your freeing and wise piece.
Thank you. A lot. Your words are freeing and comforting in a way that very little of what I’ve read about motherhood/parenting has been.
8
I loved this piece so much. People kept telling me that motherhood would complete me. It did not. I was a real, whole person before I became a mother—a person I love, honor, and don’t want to forget.
An old woman who comes to the library where I work once said to me, “You know, I raised five children, but that wasn’t all of my life.” I want to this day to tell her she’s my hero.
13
I was never "maternal" and hated babysitting as a young girl. But I had a son -- he's now four -- and while I am far from a perfect mom who does all the right things, I was wrecked with pure, fierce love from the moment I first held him, and I'd move the earth and walk through fire for him. You don't have to be maternal in the traditional sense to be a great mother and provide your child security and love. But I can't fathom not feeling that overwhelming, amazing depth of love when I look at him.
5
There is nothing that we do in life that isn’t examined and criticized by some group of people. As the mom to a 16 month old and nine year old I understand the pressures of motherhood but this feels a bit over the top. Opinions differ not just about birthing, schooling, discipline, etc. but about everything in life (college, jobs, marriage, family...). People judge everyday and at some point you have to take motherhood out of it and realize that in life we do what we can and as best as we can. The message of the article is a good one but it gets there there in a way I don’t support. Life is full of alternative points of views and opinions ... it’s not just in motherhood. The author doesn’t owe anyone an explanation of her path and I’m not sure why she feels the need to give one now with her children thriving.
2
Thank you for sharing this. I glanced at enough comments to see that of course people are condemning you and/or saying they don't understand. But for those of us who do understand, and who feel isolated and ashamed because everyone else seems to love parenthood, being able to read that other people, somewhere out there, are having a similar experience, feels lifesaving. Thank you.
9
Not sure why people dislike parenting books so much. They’ve really helped me.
3
@L I agree. Parenting books helped me tremendously!And so did reading blogs, talking to doctors, asking other parents, consulting with teachers and the like. I take a hybrid approach---however the prayer is answered.
I had prepared, packed all the necessary items, but once I landed, I lost everything and was left with only a pocketknife to fend for myself.
This made me laugh out loud. A great description of early motherhood.
I disagree slightly with the author, though, when she said she had no maternal instinct. She did. Or she wouldn't have chosen to have three children. She just didn't have the mythical idea of maternal instinct we are taught all women magically have within themselves. I didn't. Many of us don't. We just have our version of maternal instinct. It isn't the stuff of fairy tales but it works.
14
Having multiples was like diving into an ocean with no support vest. Welcome to crazy motherhood! I honestly believe however the thing that saved me the most in this journey was knowing from the beginning that I didn’t fit into any mould. No book or app suited my situation. Breastfeeding? Wow. I wasn’t able to attend a baby and me swim class, or any class for awhile. There was no judgement while walking down the street with my babies, only amazement. And at least I had a support group from the start. Even from pregnancy, I was defined as a superwoman with other other superwomen pushing their double strollers, as we’d give each other nods. Some so aptly put it, It’s the secret club I always wanted to be a part of in high school. I feel like that’s what all women need, we mothers are selfless heros.
3
the humble brag you gave at the end, where you noted all the languages your children speak, should reassure us all that you are indeed a rather typical mother.
7
@gdf I don't think that was a humble brag. That was just pride. I also have a child who speaks 3 languages and am quite proud of it although I can only claim credit for teaching her one of them. For internationals like the writer and myself who are married to someone of a different nationality and live in a 3rd country, having children who speak 3 languages is very common. So mentioning it doesn't feel like a brag, let alone a humblebrag.
10
@gdf I thought the EXACT same thing. Same with "I had a natural child birth" and "I nursed for a year" and they lived in my room for 3 years but, no, I didn't do attachment parenting. A lot of bragging here that distracted a lot from whatever else she was trying to say.
3
I'm kind of stunned by these comments. It's like it's 1950 and no one has yet heard that motherhood isn't all bliss all the time for all women.
Come on, ladies. We had a feminist movement and everything. Don't attack other women for telling their truth about motherhood. She sounds like a very good mother to me. Those of you writing self-righteously that she shouldn't have had children in the first place are revealing your own insecurities.
21
The author should stop caring about what other people think and be a mother in her own way. The best asset any mother has is her own good judgment.
4
A good, basic understanding of childhood growth and development or Milestones is important and helpful. T Barry Brazelton called these yardsticks Touchpoints. For example, struggling to toilet train an 18 month old child is frustrating for all and usually futile...he or she is developmentally not ready. Unless our education has included this information, we do not become parents with this information magically onboard.
1
Everyone’s allowed to have their opinions and experiences and my knock here is not with the author.
But why dies the NYT insist on presenting a view of motherhood that’s joyless and dreary repeatedly? This is far from the experiences of anyone I know yet this is the same recycled essay that I read in these pages repeatedly.
I loved and love every aspect of being a mom. Sue me if you don’t believe me. I’d love to see essays by women who lean into their care taking for a few years only to successfully re-emerge into stronger versions of themselves out the other side. It happens! Regardless of what you read here, many of us find our way through and past our mothering days! How about once you represent that?
Because these “my self care manifested into disdain for my role as a mother” essays are tiresome.
16
I agree! Thank you!
3
Why are there people out there who are so worried about what some book or stranger or relative says about parenting, when you know they don’t understand your situation or know your child? Why does it even occur to people to feel like a terrible mother for not giving birth at home? You know you would never think that about someone else, so why do you give it a moment’s consideration? The people who think your child is ruined if you don’t sleep in the same bed are clearly morons, since most people are fine without having done that, so why do you care what they think? It doesn’t mean their parenting is wrong for them, it’s just obvious from the history of humankind that there is no one right way to parent. Everyone is winging it. No technique is going to make raising a child a totally smooth ride. If you can’t wrap your head around the obvious, maybe you’re not ready to bring a new human into the world.
5
This article left me feeling so confused. If you felt/feel this way, then why have three children? Why do it again and then again? I wish you'd connected the dots.
18
A very long time ago, as I sat quietly chatting with my toddler in a diner - a woman came over to me and said warmly - "you're such a wonderful mother!"
Not long afterward, my younger sister commented that I had such a nice way of whispering to my son when he needed to stop throwing the ball in a small room with breakable things in it.
About 5 years later, while our kids played on the beach, another mom said, "I'm so impressed with how calmly you talk with your son - you're so good at this!"
Why do I remember these three events so clearly?
They are the only times I've been given genuine compliments about my parenting.
The ONLY times.
When was the last time you gave a genuine compliment to a mother, anyone's mother, to tell her she's doing a good job? I don't mean trite mother's day cards.
On a random Tuesday, compliment a mother, any mother, on something good she's done, or even something she's just made it through (like taking fortnite away for a week and sticking to it).
Yes, of course we need other things in our lives to be fulfilled - many other things - but we can also make parenting a less thankless journey!
28
Some women are better suited to parenthood than others. Some find actual joy in the entire experience. Some find it disappointing, overrated, and unfulfilling. I fell into the last category, and had little reluctance saying so. Not once in four decades were my comments met with acceptance. Rather they were received with suspicion and hostility. And yet, and yet, the mothers expressing the most outrage at my comments had (and have) the most difficult relationships with their own children. My sense is their offspring were quite capable of defining how their mothers really felt vs what they said, and that hypocrisy got in the way.
Why should any of this matter? It matters because becoming a mother is an irreversible act. An act that should be undertaken only with the complete understanding that your life will change forever, and a clear desire to embrace that change. All too frequently that is not the case. More often women feel, and are, pressured to become a parent and then spend the rest of their lives burying their exhaustion and resentment. Their children, and society, pay heavily for their self-deception.
9
Ms. Mecking’s report about her negative motherhood experiences may be a needed part of our conversation, but I find it painful to read that she had three children, although not feeling “motherly” toward even her first. I don’t know how her children feel, but it’s so sad they didn’t have a mother’s enthusiastic love. I’m sorry for her, especially for the circumstances that led her to move so many times, and it makes me wonder if she might have been clinically depressed. I wonder what role her husband had in this terrible situation. Did he lend a hand, a shoulder to cry on, to care for his children? Did he offer to help find help for her in each new community, or did he assume she would carry that job on her own?
This is a tragic story that might have been less so if Ms. Mecking and her husband had admitted to each other that parenthood was not only unhappy for her but distinctly beyond her abilities. No woman needs to become a mother. No woman who already knows motherhood is not her joy should have to repeat it.
11
I can't understand why a person would continue to have children, beyond the first, while feeling as she does.
10
@jensming I agree. IMHO, she needed to feel like her life was in step with what was "expected" of her and she does not have the intelligence to say "This is not how I want to live my life." Unfortunately , there are now 3 more people in the world who know what it feels to be unwanted.
5
And on this much more aptly named journey, at the start, like you said the books will critique you at every turn. Even the praise will haunt you-the book The Giving Tree used to make me furious-the tree gave every single thing to the boy until she was nothing but a stump at the end of the book. Arrggh!
And then later on in your journey, when they are teenagers, they will critique you, just as unfairly at times, but the self-help book industry will offer support. But then you will feel critiqued by others in society too, whether or not they mean to. Case in point - her kids speak three or four languages and mine is just struggling with his second one-I thought he was doing well with school-oh no!
Moms - take care of yourself. Someone is always going to be coming at you with something.
8
"I experienced all pregnancies as a time of annoyance, suffering and inconvenience.I experienced all pregnancies as a time of annoyance, suffering and inconvenience."
I wonder who put the gun to her head to force her to have children. I knew from an early age that I did not want to have kids- my mother was equally resentful as the author of this piece. I wonder if her spiteful attitude towards a condition that she willingly caused will prevent her children from wanting to create their own family.
4
I had 4 babies. Natural child birth? You're kidding me. Bring on the drugs. Thankfully I could stay in the hospital for 3 to 5 days at the time. Bond with the baby? I'll have time for that, don't worry. I'll get my rest now, especially after the first I knew that that was not happening for a long time. They are 29 to 35 now & bringing up their own. Emotional scars are not self evident.
4
Olga Mecking, you words will be great comfort to all those women who frightened to say them. Thank you!
10
"Mothers are often seen as vessels to contain and nourish children. I never once felt like that."
Mother is a verb as well as a noun. Mothering (and fathering) is all about nurturing and nourishing your children. If you didn't feel that, then it isn't at all clear why you had children. Because you were expected to? Because your ego demanded it? Because you were afraid of being alone in your old age?
Parenting is hard work. Parents have to give far more than they receive in return. That's how the species survives.
The only genuine reason to have children is because you want to nurture young minds and hearts. If that sounds too sappy to you, then motherhood isn't for you.
5
There are waaaaay more books about pregnancy, childbirth, child care and even child psychology than there are about becoming a parent, what types of changes you might expect, and how the troublesome aspects can be handled. A handbook for *becoming a parent* would have been useful.
Having a child is like anything else — people experience it differently. Think of the range of ways we would handle skydiving or building a house, for example. Why is motherhood any different — why do we expect to respond in a certain way to becoming a mother? Because of instinct or hormones or something?
For some reason my biggest challenge upon becoming a mother was having my time revolve around my son. I had the impression that I could just tote him around, doing pretty much my usual things. Ha! I remember the moment it sunk in: I was sitting in an armchair with my crying son, asking myself, How long am I supposed to sit here?? And then I realized: As long as he needs me. Oh.
14
Enough with the judging! Every single woman on this planet has had a different experience. I could give you a bunch of anecdotal stuff about my pregnancies, my early years, my sorrow at not having a daughter even though I love my three sons. I could also tell you that I raised them alone because their father was killed. I tried at that point to be both parents, I figured they needed a father as well so I tried to do that. Didn't exactly work. But I was totally making it up as I went along. Nothing had prepared me for that. So my take away from this article is that nobody has any business telling anybody else what they should or should not do. This is an intensely personal area of life. That's one of the reasons I'm so astounded when some kind of template is placed on motherhood or Parenthood. I'm here to tell you, it's not possible. Just by its very nature. All these years later now with my sons in their forties, and a lovely grandson whom I adore, the one thing that I am proudest of as a mother is that my sons are decent human beings. But I don't define myself by motherhood.
18
It's refreshing to hear about motherhood not being the all and everything. Some of us like our individuality among all the roles we play, whether as parents, children, siblings, co-workers.
4
In 1990 I had a baby boy. I am a girl, what did I know about boys? I bought a book about boys. Read 5 pages, threw it away. In 1991 I had a girl. No book this time, or ever again about babies or children. They grew up, we did our best. Everything turned out fine.
2
I am certain you did perfectly well as a mother but probably had very high expectations as to yourselves and an idealized concept of motherhood. Three children in a short time with a hard working husband in a country and culture which is not yours and without family safety net is a difficult and often stressful experience.
Your couple has survived and eventually even got stronger with the experience, your children are well and do not seem to have suffered emotional hardship from their "bad" mother. Seems to me like you did a great job. Stop judging yourselves, relax and enjoy life with you children and husband.
7
When my firstborn was 4, he told me "I don't want you to be a person, I just want you to be my mom." That seems to be the crux of the situation/conflict. Mind you, I stayed at home with him for 6 years, but I was a person before he was born. "Mother" is just one part of my personhood.
10
I am absolutely flabbergasted and confused by this article. The question that kept nagging at me, as I read through the article, was the cold and clinical manner in which author describes three pregnancies, without an once of pathos for these apparently voluntary conceptions. Even I a man, still relive with unadulterated joy and mystical sense of spirituality when I remember the experience of my then one year old daughter falling asleep on my chest. It was an unalloyed, primal bonding; and even today, when my now adult daughter and I get together, she calls it our “bonding session.”
Just don’t get it.
Luck Nwoko
4
Pregnancy can be pretty miserable. My first pregnancy wasn’t too bad but my last one I was miserable at the end, feeling sick due to anemia in the middle and nauseous at the beginning.
7
Well, I believe the point was to share her experience. Which was not identical to yours. Learning about others is how we learn and grow. And you’ve proven her thesis, that people expect parents to talk about their children like it is magical. She said “this is how I felt” and you said “you felt wrong because this is how I felt and my way is better.”
11
I find this article deeply troubling. If one is unhappy with first baby, why have two more? I feel so sorry for these children as unconditional love and nurturing is vital to a child’s development. Some people just shouldn’t have children and while they reportedly are okay now, it seems to be in spite of their early years, or perhaps Dad made the difference. Almost as disturbing is that she felt secure enough to write and publish her narcissistic behavior. It seems that to this day her well being (and monetary gain) supersedes that of her children.
7
@Stefanie Narcissism indeed. "I got up and nursed and sang and soothed even if my whole body was reeling with sleep deprivation and exhaustion." I'd much rather have a mom who was posting memes about the beauty of motherhood on social media, garnering likes galore!
8
@Stefanie and @Toaster, I think you are missing an important point that Mecking is trying to make. She was unhappiest when she was trying to fit the mold(s) that parenting advice told her was essential. When she decided to put the advice aside and did her best in a way that made sense to her, things improved and became more joyful. She is pointing out that parenting advice can, perhaps paradoxically, make some parents feel inadequate and incompetent, rather than feeling supported.
19
@MS - brilliant comment!
3
This captures the isolation of motherhood perfectly, whether in your home country or not. Our humanity as woman seems to get shrunk down to one thing, one role, one dream, one way. We all need to find ourselves again and show our children that vessels have lives beyond providing snacks. Thank you for writing!
21
Motherhood came very naturally to me, but I put that down to practice, not instinct. I had younger siblings and lots of younger cousins. I was free babysitting for family, and by eleven I was getting paid babysitting gigs too. When I had my own children, I mostly knew what I was doing already. However, I had friends who had never held a baby or changed a diaper before having their own children. Things seemed much harder for them.
I think that knowing how to handle children - how to hold them, soothe them, read their moods, know what to expect at each age - is another learned and learn-able skill. Apprenticeship seems to me the best way to learn it - better than books and certainly better than expecting that "instinct" will just kick in and tell you how.
25
Not sure how i feel about this article. Really not once did you look into you baby’s eye and feel a rush of love? Not sure if she is just writing it this way because she wants to make the most impact. I am the mother that always wanted children so it might be hard for me to understand. But really the only thing that she mentions about her kids are how good they are at languages and their ethnicity? Not one mention of love and pride. You don’t always fall in love with your children when they are born but if you open your heart and see them for who they are you do fall in love. Babyhood is tough but once they develop their personality they become this little person that you discover. My children are in their 30s now and I am still discovering new things about them. And yes as a mother you always feel judged but so is everything else in life. In your career, in your relationship with your husband, in your relationship with your parents, siblings. Grow up this is life.
13
Calling someone an immature narcissist is not helpful. It’s possible to love your kids and hate motherhood.
Comments like yours had me wrapped in a stress ball for years after I had my kids. Dealing with everyone’s expectation that I was supposed to be blissed out, and the shame I felt because I wasn’t, was almost as hard as the sleep deprivation.
13
As the youngest adult child of two parents (now deceased) who never wanted children, I can testify that children know when they were not wanted. The effects are devistating and long lasting.
Women who have children despite the urge not to - and don’t give them up for adoption so that they at least have a chance at being raised ensconced in love rather than resentment, which can take the forms of neglect, loathing, and others - are incredibly selfish, regardless of their reasons for forging ahead with an unwanted pregnancy. It also sets the child up for a potentially tough life; it can be difficult to love oneself or find self worth when even your parents don’t
It is vital that we keep options open for all women to have a choice, and I will support pro-choice efforts until I die.
24
I can relate to becoming a first time mother in a country foreign to me and to my husband.Sixty years ago he was stationed in France with the U.S.Army.and our first child was born in an Army Quonset Hut -no frills and no advice for new parents. The French, however, adored babies and would focus on our baby wherever we went.Even at restaurants the waiters would spend more time trying to get the baby to smile than to take our food order.The French subsided mother’s and babies in their own country.Children were precious to them and motherhood was celebrated.This joyous celebration of motherhood was memorable.It was even a pleasant contrast to the routine in U.S.Hospitals.
23
Matka in Russian means uterus:). Truthfully, you sound just like the right, 'good enough" mother that was described in the 50's. That theory really appealed to me. I absolutely adore my son. But I remember my life without him too and I didn't have him until I was 39. There is nothing I wouldn't do for him. But everything this wonderful lady describes - nursing, sleeping near her kids, explosing them to cultures so that they move as fluently and as well as they do between the three languages sounds like she did an amazing job. Who cares about the philosophy and the right way to parent? You love them, you nourish them, you support them. What else is there to it? It's enough already!
51
I adopted my daughter and when she was a baby, felt almost nothing in common with other new mothers; all they talked about was pregnancy, labor and delivery, and breastfeeding, none of which I had experienced. I did not make any new "mom" friends. Now that she is 10, I can relate better to other parents, and have made friends with other adoptive parents as well. But I have never had the feeling that some describe, "I can't imagine my life without my children." I can certainly imagine it; I lived it for 36 years and I remember it. The sense that all other mothers have some kind of mysterious bond that I'm excluded from (while probably inaccurate) has never quite faded.
23
Greatest thing I've read in a long time.
You are not alone. I felt EXACTLY like this. Nothing, nothing prepared me for the disorientation and sense of exile early motherhood brought.
It's a total myth that this comes naturally to women. To some, it seems to - to others, not at all.
46
I spent my early adulthood running IVF and fertility labs. I was surrounded every day by couples desperate for parenthood and pregnancy and although I did everything in my lab skill set to make it a reality for them, I just couldn't emotionally identify. I was taking care of everyone in my life but me, why would I want to add another responsibility?
Strangely enough when I met the right guy, a man that was responsible and trustworthy and a good team mate, the urge to seek motherhood and stability and make a family now seemed possible. I wouldn't be shouldering the responsibility alone.
I had intellectualized and scientifically studied motherhood and biology for most of my life and I made a pact with myself NOT to read a single advice book. I never did. I had always been my own woman before and I wasn't about to remake myself in someone else's image now!
For a woman who had never wanted a baby- I'm glad I didn't start having them earlier in life because I'd have just kept having them! I'd have had half a dozen. I loved pregnancy and birth and nursing and motherhood. I found it the most powerfully feminine experience of my life and it changed me for the better. I was always a strong, athletic, powerful, person and had successfully competed against men for most of my life. Motherhood made me realize why men really discriminate against women- we are so much stronger than they are.
19
I love my children with all my heart and now that they are mostly grown, I truly like them. The baby stage was difficult for all sorts of reasons and I found as they grew we seemed to like each more. For those of us who don’t fit the airbrushed vision of parenthood and babyhood, the older years are a joy. It is worth the effort.
23
I'm in the opposite camp, I always wanted children, and I was only overwhelmed by the rush of love and attachment I felt for each child when pregnant, when born, as i raised them. Not to say there weren't difficult times when i would have liked to run away with a good book. But maybe there's a price to pay for these easy mother-ful feelings; it was and is hard to let go. I have to remind myself everyday that they are grown, independent and don't need me anymore, my job is done. The best job I ever had. Retired!
14
We are long overdue for some frank discussions about both motherhood and parenthood. The airbrushed versions found in magazines and the glorified version acknowledged by our culture don't really do justice to women's experiences. I'd wanted kids even when I was a kid myself. But the reality of pregnancy (not so nice for me) and delivery (got kinda scary) and caring for infants (whoa! very overwhelming) was not quite the snuggly little cuddle fest I'd been promised. And when it's hard many women can feel that there is something wrong with them...which is crazy and unfortunate.
I have found many parenting books very helpful. But I look at them as a source of ideas to pick and choose from and I stay away from the extreme ones. I have also found that a community of supportive, non judgmental mothers can offer great "experienced mom wisdom and tips." Maybe that depends on who you hang out with but if you're with the perfectionist types then ditch them and find some down to earth women who can "get real" with ya.
I also agree that sometimes trusting our instincts and finding our own way is the best move and that we should support and empower women in finding their own voice.
33
When my children were young and I was in my twenties, if someone had asked me to describe myself I would have said, Mother, Wife, Lutheran. At 62 I would say, Artist, Social Activist,
Democratic Socialst, Athiest. Men and children wouldn't even make the list.
45
Motherhood brings so many stories of disappointment, confusion and unhappiness. I managed to live to age 66 without ever becoming pregnant. I knew motherhood wasn't for me from the time I was in my early teens and I took pains to prevent it all through my childbearing years. I've spoken to other women who tell me they wish they hadn't had children. But, they did because of family pressure, or because it was what the husband wanted, or because it was just a "mistake." So many women seem to regret having children and the sacrifices they were forced to make. "Choice" is such a huge topic for women, yet the choice to remain childless is never one I see discussed. For a woman to admit that choice is still taboo.
92
@Ms. Pea Perhaps it will reassure you somewhat to know that at 24 I know many women of my generation who are utterly disenchanted with the concept of having children, and those of us who still want them admit that sometimes it sounds like they have the right idea.
2
One kid is sufficient. Good for the society and good for earth. No need to go through the 'journey' again.
17
About 3 weeks into motherhood, I asked my best friend, “when will I start feeling like a mother?”. Like the author, I went through all the motions, but it took a while before I felt a maternal bond.
I think that some women want to be mothers with all of thir being; others, like me, feel that motherhood is a part, but not the whole, of who they are. Both feelings are fine, both are normal.
My friend, btw, shouted “Yes!”, because she was so happy to hear that someone else felt the same way too.
38
In my day,1960, the most helpful advice on parenting came from Doctor Spock. His most helpful point was: trust yourself, not the professionals. You have it within you to know what to do." This worked for me, although my own five children, now parents themselves, do not all agree that I knew what to do. One thing for sure is that being a mother was touted as a sacred and wonderful thing, but in actuality, mothers were treated as nonentities.
48
@Carol Ellkins In addition to Spock, I used Between Mother and Child, by Haim Ginnott and, best of all, Your Child is a Person, Stella Chess. And I would still recommend those three today.
4
I am a grandmother now having completed raising two children. If I knew when I was a new mother what I know now, our children might have turned out differently. Some things worked, some didn't. When we had bad times and we did, we questioned our methods. It was much harder overall than we ever imagined. We had our failures. But like Olga we muddled through and tried our best. Now we have grandchildren and a new relationship with them. We also have time to devote to them. It is not without worry but it is a wonderful second chance.
22
I think even the women wearing the baby slings have to deal with the intense challenges of being moms. Judging others in order not to feel judged isolates us, rather than foster compassion.
35
Careful with those false cognates
10
Hindiwalla,
Why do you say "false"?
Since you used the word cogitate I assume you know it's meaning, which is:
Cogitate vb to think deeply about (a problem, possibility, etc); ponder.
1
I am guessing there are many mothers who felt or feel as you do. Neither my husband nor I ever babysat or had access to young children. We muddled through.
15
When people say that something is like a marathon rather than a sprint, they should add that one mile can’t be compared to another.
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You should look it up in Bulgarian. "Matka" means "uterus"! Now how about that for symbolism.
"Parenting books" is too broad of a term. Anybody off the street can write a book these days. Doesn't mean they should be read. Extremist attachment parents write books, extremist ferberist parents write books, even anti-vaxxer parents write books. Books aren't what they used to be. So you've just gotta be selective with what you read. Stick to reliable sources. I read the Mayo Clinic books and they were very reassuring and informative. Yes, breast is best, but formula is just fine, too. Recommendations but without shaming if you choose otherwise (within reason and safety, of course - no room for anti-vaxxers in those books, thankfully). So, forget about the larger parenting book swamp and, especially, online parenting groups, which are full of judgement and misinformation. Pick a couple reliable sciency sources, which will stick to the basics, and figure out the rest however best suits you.
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Thanks for telling it like it often is! There are many of us out there who can empathize but are too ashamed to express these feelings.
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@Leslie I say ditto to you Leslie. It doesn't mean we don't love our kids, we are just overwhelmed by such a great responsibility, a 'life', no matter how we may have planed for it or even wanted badly to be a parent ... we just begin to miss being independent. As for how to books, ditch them all and go by instinct. It took me a lot of years to learn this, to admit this, or maybe not admit but to realize it. Now, at 82+, I feel privileged at last to say what I want, how I felt, how I feel. Cheers to Olga for expressing it openly and honestly - she speaks for many of us.
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