Myself, by Any Other Name

Thank you for sharing this introspection with us. I'm sorry you had to fight cancer, and I'm more sorry for your children, Jack, family, and friends. The Woolfer community is remembering you as I type this. "When you find out who you are, you will no longer be innocent. That will be sad for others to see. All that knowledge will show on your face and change it. But sad only for others, not for yourself. You will feel you have a kind of wisdom, very mistaken, but a mistake of some power to you and so you will sadly treasure it and grow it." Lorrie Moore, A Gate at the Stairs May your memory be a blessing.

This is beautiful, Pari! Written with perfect poise and candor. Thank you for sharing!

When I married (young) in the mid 70's, I did not change my name. My father gave me the most heck. Everyone else said nothing because they either knew arguing with me was a waste of time and also because my (then) husband supported me in my decision. Sometimes I though that my ex-in laws were glad I did not change my name as that way they could disavow my existence (their son was a Jew by choice after he met me and we became a couple). A decade and a half later when we told them we were getting divorced, they were sad as the told me they misjudged me, confusing a woman's strong sense of self with someone who would steal their son's soul. The divorce was easier because I had no name changing at all. Neither did he :) His heritage (and last name) is Northern and Western European; mine screams Jewish (not that it supposedly matters). I dated men who would not get serious when they realized that I would not change my name to theirs. Good riddance! I was born with my names and I will die with my names. Love them...or too bad!

I can't wait to read your memoir! I'm a lawyer, a wannabe writer, and a 20 year cancer survivor. I totally understand how the cancer journey can unexpectedly trigger a complete (re)examination of what's really important. While I have always been completely emotionally unattached to my maiden name ( a white- bread name that my father took on in the 1950s some time between his marriage to my mother and my birth, to keep people from knowing he was jewish), I kept it after getting married at age 36 both because I had already developed a professional identity with that name, and because otherwise my name would have become a very messy alliterative jumble of "Zs," "Ns" and "Ss." After my cancer diagnosis at 40, however, I began to think about my FIRST name. My parents had named me Suzanne specifically so that they could call me Suzy, spelled just that way. In junior high school, though, the prettiest and most popular girl was named Suzie, spelled that way. So of course I immediately changed how I spelled my first name (thinking, I guess, that doing so would make me pretty and popular, too?). Decades later, I reclaimed Suzy...trying, I think, to find the "real me" after going through treatment that on many levels changed the entire trajectory of my life and my understanding of who I was. And every time I write "suzy," or see it on an envelope or a message, it makes me happy. It sounds like you are happy, too, Pari. I'm so glad. Be well.

I too am a lawyer. I'm glad that you changed your name back. Kept mine in 1980 when my Husband married me. My Mother -in- law had the same first and middle name as me and Rob was a junior. I would have kept my name anyway, but it gave me a good excuse to keep mine. Why lose a large part of your identity just because you married some man? Wishing you a speedy recovery and good health hereinafter.

I love American women and their never ending drama, Romance, Melodrama, Tragedy, Comedy and Farce, it is all edge of the seat excitement.

My mother kept her maiden name. My sisters kept their maiden names. My wife kept her maiden name. My daughter took her husband’s name. Say what?

When I married, keeping your “maiden” name was not an option. But his never really fit me, so a few years ago I started using my surname again — for everything except passport, credit cards, medical insurance, etc. (The legal and financial stuff.) My family name just feels better, more “me.” But not quite. Being a child of the sixties, I do sometimes still long for a name I choose. One of these days I’ll be Moon Dragonwagon.

No! Don’t blame yourself for your illness! NO NO NO a thousand times NO! Best decision I ever made was changing my name to one that I liked. Do it. It took about two months to work its way through the courts and another month to notify all who needed to know (you have the added wrinkle of child custody issues, do your homework first).

You’re not successful fighting cancer because you’re stronger or more determined than other people with the same condition. Your ability to survive is because of your particular medical condition and the care you received. People don’t die of cancer because they were not just as much a “fighter” as you are. I wish you well though.

Ms. Berk, Your piece is an outstanding example of self-affirmation. As someone who was treated for Stage 2 cancer in 2011, I understand the initial doubt and later clarity it can prompt. Why, however, are you still @parichang on Twitter or has that been changed? Just wondering.

oh my. i fought to keep my maiden name on marrying. when we divorced five years later, i wanted to reclaim my maiden name, but my attorney father was adamant that i keep my married name, 'because you must share your child's name!'. thirty nine years, many degrees, certifications, milestones and two children later, i still struggle. my professional identity is founded on my married name, but my personal identity is cloven. my ex and his wife cannot love it, but the paperwork to change my name on every document is overwhelming. and so i remain...katherine lundy

"At the time, this traditional, wifely move felt radical to me because it signaled that I was part of a mixed-race couple." Very resonant for me at the moment. I too am part of a mixed race couple, and taking my spouse's name when we got married seemed to help bridge the gap. I was very young. And it sounded cool. Now, many years later, I regret it. Reclaiming my name is part of what I want to accomplish in my 50's. And while interracial marriage is a good and fine thing, I know now that marrying someone of a different race does not mean that you can claim a different status. It doesn't work that way. Best wishes Pari. I stand with you.

When I married, I kept my name. When our children were born, the now ex was adamant, the children must have HIS name and ONLY his name. We couldn't hyphenate their names. When we split 23 years later, he fomented their running away from home, to the house of a stranger, to hurt me because I wouldn't take him back and condone him having both me and his GF, and anyone else he wanted, too, male or female. Of course, he didn't frame it in this manner to the children. Just days after, I won Spousal Support in court a year later, he filed to have my youngest child's surname changed to that of the custodian. Our middle child had apparently already filed the moment she turned 18. I surmise there was significant pressure from both her father and the custodian. The pressured the children in every other way and illegally, and abusively, denied me court ordered visitation. Given that the child had never had my surname to begin with, and she was only giving up his name, I did something he never expected, but fully in keeping with how you cope with an abuser. I ignored him. He was using my child's name was a weapon, an attempt to get my attention. I ignored him. No Contact. Finally, my lawyer believed me. The ex would stop at nothing. My child thinks this woman is "her mother," not me. My children are Alienated against me by abusive people. What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet!

So much of our health is impacted by our brain. In my French childhood, in a blue collar neighborhood of post WWII Marseille, people used “se faire du mauvais sang” (to manufacture bad blood) to connote “worry”, so your Bubbe might have had a point. More importantly, this current attitude of yours bodes very well for a full recovery. Bonne chance!

I took my first husband's family name when I married him. He was Korean, and his family name was Kim. After his death I remarried and took my second husband's family name. My first married name became my middle name. But since I am a white American, the universal assumption is that Kim is an American given name, not a Korean family name. So even though I kept that name to honor that part of my story, nobody gets it. Gives new meaning to the phrase, "hiding in plain sight."

A white wife with an east asian husband is a fairly unstable combination so I am sure a few readers are looking for clues on what to do with an inconvenient last name.

Imagine your name as a fashion accessory. Buy new ones, keep them in the closet, and every morning after breakfast, decide which one to wear today.

When I divorced, I knew I didn't want my ex's name anymore. My father was a boorish lout who never cared for me, and his name, clumsy and gutteral, never appealed to me. I decided, though, to take it back, because on reflection, I realized that it did represent my ethnicity and culture, which transcends paternity.

Good for you, belatedly. I got rid of my ex's name in 1972, and do not understand why any wife takes her husband's last name, submerging her identity into his. Stop it! It's name slavery.

Just curious. What do people with hyphenated last names do when they marry each other? What last names do their children have?

I wish people would quit talking about "battling" cancer. Admittedly, I have been fortunate in the early detection of my three encounters with cancer, fortunate so far, at least. But there was more banality than battle. One just hangs stubbornly on and tries to continue with life as normally as possible, making the most favorable assumptions one can make.

As a remarried divorcee and a cancer survivor who took my maiden name after my divorce (my son didn't care), not wanting the ex husband's sullied name after his legal troubles, I admire you for taking back your identity which is authentic, honest and part of taking care of business. I will buy your memoir as I like your writing style. Be well.

Two name stories: My friend (call her Jo) had the most bland, generic last name, so she was happy to take her husband's Greek name. After the messy divorce, she contemplated her options, and took a name from her family tree: She's Jo MacLeod. I think it's a great choice ("the clan MacLead" and all that.) My last name is close to unique. I've never met another person with the same name, to whom I was not related. When my daughter Elizabeth was engaged, she seriously considered taking her husband's name, but if you Google "Elizabeth Husband's-name" there many of them. She's an attorney, so she decided to keep her last name because (1) she was already professionally established as Elizabeth R*, and (2) she liked the uniqueness. It turns out there's one other attorney with the same last name, and he contacted her, and they corresponded about families.

I kept my name when I married at 39. I figured I already had a name so why change it. I had seen my sister take 3 different names as she worked her way through 3 different husbands. My mother also had 3 husbands. She took my dad's name and her second husband's name but didn't bother changing it for her 3rd husband. I really couldn't be bothered even though I didn't expect divorce. Now after 20 years with my husband, he has informed me he has a mistress who is about to give birth to his child. So divorce is an option and not having to change my name if this happens is a blessing. I don't want to have to explain to everyone why I changed names opening up a painful discussion I would rather avoid. For the record, my daughter has my husbands name. His new baby will have a hyphenated name.

I never understood why American women change their names upon marriage, but even more puzzling to me was the fact that they keep the husband's names after a divorce (I am from Peru). When my then 68-year old mom was given my dad's last name on her green card, after I sponsored her for permanent residence she was indignant, and said: "what do they think I am, your sister?". She went back to her real name when she became a US citizen a few years later.

When we married, almost 45 years ago, it was a new fashion to keep one's maiden name. But my new brother-in-law was being divorced, and my new mother-in-law saw his wife's change to her maiden name as a danger sign. So I took my husband's name to keep the peace. At the bank after the honeymoon to change the name on my accounts, I began to cry as I signed my new name for the first time. My husband tried to comfort me by commenting that "It's only a name." I responded that in that case, he could change his. It was in the silence that followed that I think he became a feminist.

A name is a name is a name. You are a fantastic person, and a superb role model for your children. Best wishes.

Good article. On the subject of colon cancer early in life, I would recommend that people who receive this diagnosis consider genetic testing. I was diagnosed with colon cancer in my early 50’s and had a partial colectomy. After reading an article about Lynch syndrome that my sister sent me, I got tested and discovered I have this mutation, which predisposes me to several types of cancer. One step I took was to have a prophylactic hysterectomy to reduce my risk of ovarian and other reproductive organ cancer.

Our names mean so much to us. In the 70's I went to court to change my name so that I could shed a first name by which I was never addressed, and take my 'maiden last name' as my middle name. I was delighted with both the freedom from a name that wasn't 'me', and the restoration of the name I was knew before marriage. My first and middle name were now the names I had always known as 'me'. However, the name we're known by as children and young adults is our sense of identity, which trumps all else. Including political correctness. The honoring of names extends also to honor of first names. ALL first names must be accepted and celebrated. We must always make the effort to learn all names and their proper pronunciation and spelling. Failure to do so is failure to honor identity.

My father was an overbearing, abusive bully with a difficult name to pronounce. Following my divorce, I took an entirely new family name and have happily used it for more than 40 years. Both my first and last names reflect who I am and where I am going, not the family I came from or the label my parents chose for me. We create ourselves anew every day -- why not select names that best match our goals and dreams?

Married 43 years. My wife kept her own name. My daughters kept their hyphenated names. Never a big deal. My wife, a physician was very well known. I still get Holiday cards to "Dr and Mr My Wife's Name"

Nice Jewish girl from New Jersey here who also married an Asian man and took his surname. It also caused a fair amount of confusion. After a divorce and a relapse of a chronic illness I also reclaimed the name I was born with. My parents loved me unconditionally so the best thing I could do to honor their memory—and their love—was to take back my name. My kids were older than the author’s children and didn’t care that we’d have different last names. And so written in the court order is the judge’s ruling that I can be me again.

If an oncologist told me I had "a marble in my sheet cake" I would find a new oncologist. The last thing you need after a cancer diagnosis is a patronizing doctor.

My mother was 78 when my father died. A week later we went to the bank to take care of some paper work. As we sat there she told me she was going to always sign her name Lillian Fisher Rosen from now on. She hadn't used her maiden name Fisher since she married my father in 1945. I wish I could ask her now to describe what that felt like to do. (When my daughter got married in 2015 she was happy to let go of her hyphenated last name and take her husbands two syllable name. I felt sad but understand her desire to do that.)

Such wonderful children, articulate in the spirit of their mother> Your description of being the "know it all, bookish daughter" who long ago split away from her "unrefined" parents resonated. Sometimes we have to leave them behind, and sometimes we willingly return to them, after we have grown enough to recognize their gifts to us. I think for many who choose - who are ABLE to choose trajectories far different from those in their original families, openly acknowledging they are part of who we become is shedding unwarranted shame over who we are. Like shedding skin, or a name no longer needed.

Interesting article. Pari in Hindi means Angel. Cancer simply can’t win over Angel. As such Pari Berk is the ultimate winner. You have entered a new phase in your life. So enjoy life with your husband and kids by overcoming all the obstacles that you may come across in your life. May you and your family members achieve whatever you want in your life.

So beautiful my old friend. Your an inspiration Xoxo

My last name is from my first husband and it is the name of our son. It is also my professional name. If I went back to my maiden name it would be my father's name. If I took my current husband's name it would represent his and his father's lineage. There is no obvious choice that isn't a patronymic one. Even hyphenating last names hyphenates the names of men.

Your little girl's cheering message is on my "wall of sensational quotes" ! BRAVO to you and your two kids. Beautifully written, inspirational and heartfelt. Thank you. I look forward to that memoir......

Thank you for sharing your story. Please keep writing and believe your daughter, she comes from good stock. Peace

A fighter by any name is still a fighter. A well written exploration of identity in a time of crisis! Keep writing that memoir.

Because *you* lived to tell the tale.

Pari, We admire your fighting spirit. Pari and Jack, Congratulations! Hugs, Holly, Robert, Cate and Sally