I'd be careful casually dashing out the point that youngsters in Tokyo ride the subway alone as proof of hands-off parenting, and therefore, less involved patenting. This one point doesn't erase the fact that lots and lots of Japanese women (my friends among them) have avoided not only motherhood but also marriage because of the incredible demands placed on wives and mothers in that country. On balance, the typical Japanese model of parenting (or, at least, motherhood) is not one we should look to for guidance on how to solve our American parenting issues.
2
I was interested to read this article as even just the title resonates with my daily life. I do feel a lot of pressure to provide my kids with opportunities and activities to position them to compete in a global economy.
The article lost some of the punch by trying to take on too much. While some countries don't over-parent like the U.S.; parents in China are resistant to having two children due to the demands of raising a single child. They too have economic anxiety.
8
@Shannon
China had a 1 child policy for more than 35 years. It only ended in early 2016. As someone who lived and worked in Shanghai, I would suggest there is a cultural element at play that carries at least as much weight in China as any economic concern.
3
I am bringing up three kids and we are surrounded by over-programmed kids. Soccer, music, math, computer programming, chess, photography. You name it. It’s relentless. Many mothers I know have law or business degrees from top schools but they never went back to work after kids. Raising kids is their life’s work.
But I’ve seen the opposite too. Both my older kids switched from private to public schools and there many of their friend’s families don’t have those kind of resources. Spring break comes around and the parents keep on working while the kids entertain themselves.
This past summer, as usual, the over-programmed kids were off at baseball camp, rock music camp, write-your-college-essays camp (yes this exists). At the end of the summer, an acquaintance mentioned to me with a whiff of disapproval that the parents of another one of the 8th graders in our sons’ class had spent the break doing nothing. No camp, no activities. Just hanging out while his parents worked (they are first gen immigrants). “Old school,” I thought. My son is friendly with their son and I found out a little later that the boy had spent all that time teaching himself guitar and writing poetry. He’s a great student, friendly, athletic. And he can teach himself guitar. Not sure any of the camp kids can do that.
65
I am so glad I chose not to have children. Too many expectations of parents and children. Too many judgemental parents, teachers, co-workers, etc. Nearly every parent I know or come across in NY has a nanny -or two. Their kids are enrolled in anything and everything. The moms are competing with each other. One woman I work with leaves early the same day every week to attend something for her kid. She said she has to go instead of her husband so the other mothers don’t judge her for not showing up. Who cares if they do? This same woman “works from home” once or twice a week despite the nanny working 5 days a week. We all know she isn’t really working on these days so why not work part-time or quit? Husband has a high paying job. Why do certain people have children if they are just going to use them to show off and judge others by? Truly disheartening.
34
@Sammy
1) She may very well be giving an excuse when she says she "has to go" to her child's event once a week - she may happen to really love it. She may feel it wouldn't look good to the boss if she said she wanted to go, instead of she "had to go."
2) What makes you think she is not working at home? I work at home sometimes, and I am really working. I get way more done at home than at the office. I am glad you aren't my coworker.
8
I am old school. I believe children are meant to be seen, but not heard. That is how I was raised in the 1980's by my grandparents, who spent little on me and made me buy my own back-to-school clothes and bicycle. When their application for free school lunches was rejected, I was the only kid in school who sat at the lunch table with nothing to eat, and my grandparents refused to give me money for lunch.
4
That’s a very sad story. I hope some of the other kids shared their lunches with you.
24
@mileena
Whether they are to be heard or not, children deserve to be loved. Yours is a very sad story, and I wish you had gone on to say that, in spite of your upbringing, you had grown up to be a loving, generous, and empathetic adult.
9
@mileena I am sorry for your suffering and I am also sorry that your earliest experiences of deprivation lead you to conclude "children are meant to be seen, but not heard." Children's needs are human needs and humans need to be heard and have their needs met. I hope that your needs are met in adult life.
11
the art in the dining room, not the same either
By all accounts, Donald Trump did not have even the basic nurturing and attention a child needs.
Draw your own conclusions.
7
I find it a little bit odd that we make the assumption in the article and in the majority of the comments that the way kids were raised in the "good old days" actually brought about better, more functional and intelligent adults.
I have to ask you, older generations - do you genuinely think that your parents raised a generation that brought good into this world? That their specific parenting methods brought about a better, more positive generation?
As a millennial, looking at your generations, I'm pretty...well, I'm pretty disappointed. You destroyed our Earth's climate and ecosystems - and persist in doing so. You tanked the middle class. You created an unstable, terrifying international political environment. You cling to racism, classism and misogyny, even while claiming you have eradicated them. And you currently refuse to take responsibility for any of that.
And yet here you are, claiming that my generation can't boil water or go on a job interview without Mommy. I look around, at the children challenging gun violence in Florida. And the young women entering our government, pushing for real change. At the social movements and protests that have arisen across our country. It seems to me that the next generations are off to a pretty good start.
And I care much, much more about that than whether your Mommy letting you run down the block by yourself in the 1970s makes you feel superior.
388
@Cay
Please, there is enough division in the world without separating us by generations. The truth is that the young always lead their parents in showing ways to address issues that are significant to society and culture. Remember that Earth Day – an event precisely directed at care of the planet and ecology – was instituted in 1970. Obviously, it did not have the impact so many had hoped it would.
What boomers learned, sandwiched as we were between the ‘greatest generation’ and Gen X and millennials, was that no matter how we advocated and protested, leaders in government and corporations would not be swayed by our ‘voice.’
No less than today, we were impotent to change those in charge.
We didn’t tank the middle class: corporate greed did. Educated and well-read people of any age do not cling to racism, classism or misogyny. It is insulting to insinuate any generation has a monopoly on those dreadful attitudes.
The care and nurture of children is a critically important enterprise. Raising children to have critical thinking skills and, yes, a stake in working with all others to advance a better world is crucial to making that world a reality.
39
@Cay
The boomers asked and sang the same song of biblical proportions:
You who are on the road
Must have a code that you can live by
And so become yourself
Because the past is just a good-bye.
Teach your children well,
Their father's hell did slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picks, the one you'll know by.
Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you will cry,
So just look at them and sigh
And know they love you.
And you, of tender years,
Can't know the fears that your elders grew by,
And so please help them with your youth,
They seek the truth before they can die.
Teach your parents well,
Their children's hell will slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picks, the one you'll know by.
Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you will cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.
Songwriters: Graham Nash
20
@Cay I agree that the "well, I turned out fine" argument is problematic. Besides the fact that an individual's experience is just one data point, it also disregards other, potentially better outcomes.
13
So many of these comments assume that there’s much more crime today in the U.S. when in fact violent crime in the U.S. is down almost 50% since 1991 - and in the U.S. is now far lower than Sweden!
2
The problem is we were raised with local news and cable that covered every pervert, kidnapping and murder. The perception of danger lingers despite the reality of the danger.
1
A.J. Milne who wrote winnie the pooh spent all his time outside, then he sat down and wrote each day until he found the story. This is not a surefire path to success but it is done with an imagination, an open mind, and hard work. Why can't we simply let our kids grow up in an organic way. I have been given unsolicited advice by strangers and then there's the people who say the kid has to be potty trained by age 2, they have to be reading by age 3 and if their words aren't coming out clearly they have to see a speech therapist. This view of doing more and expecting everyone to get into harvard is wrong. It's less about the child and has become about the adults and their need to look good and be better than. It's competitive parenting. As a child I spent most of my time climbing trees, making mud pies and playing in the outdoors. This is the best way because it will touch the child's senses. We've moved our child away from the competitive ways and put her in a school that spends 70% of their time exploring nature. Putting this much pressure on kids will not help them, it will stress them physically and make them feel like something is wrong with them. They will spend the rest of their lives trying to fill a void. let them do what is right for them, exploring nature can create a wonderful environmentalist or biology career so keep an open mind, children are always learning despite the adults pushing them and interfering. Let them be kids and save your money.
1
A lot of advice for the first year(s) of a baby's life is designed to help mothers (in particular) return to work sooner and with less sleep deprivation. Obviously this is important and useful. However, unfortunately, the regimented scheduling of "sleep training" comes at the expense of breastfeeding, (discontinuation of which also, not coincidentally, helps women return to work sooner, and forces lactating mothers to reach for the execrable breast pump.) Sleep training becomes so important that it supersedes attention to cues from a mother's own body, including the let-down reflex, the signal that it is time to nurse again, which encourages the baby to nurse more, stimulating breast milk production, which in turn encourages the baby to ... you get the picture.
2
I’m reading a lot of “back in my day comments” that attempt to glorify abuse and neglect. Modern parents are doing something right to have produced children that have the lowest crime rate in like 60 years, the oldest age at first having sex, the most educated kids in world history, kids that fully staffed the longest war in US history and without a draft, youth who are far less bigoted (sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, etc.)….
The problem isn’t the parenting. The problem is Baby Boomers who have neglected to modernize contemporary infrastructure to properly support longer lifespans (Millennials will have to work until their 70s in dual-income households without any family-supportive infrastructure), dual-earner households that benefit the economy (particularly Boomers) at the cost of young families, changing infrastructure needs (house zoning, internet, public transportation, etc.), Boomer-built McMansions that those who came up during the recession will never be able to afford, dismantled protections and benefits (unionization, affordable healthcare, pensions, etc.). And how many times do Baby Boomer politicians have to crash an economy before we throw them out of office?
Nobody cares how you did things back in your day. That day is long gone (thank God)… and that’s the problem with longer lifespans in the modern age. Those in power are completely disconnected to modern families and their needs.
7
America wasn’t founded in 1946 with the birth of the first boomer. Americas problems of today stretch back to its founding. Part of the reason we struggle to make changes is because citizens are oblivious to the history that lead us here. Boomers are part of a cycle for good and bad just as your generation is.
1
Doesn't this cry for change? With two parent working families and impoverished families who can't afford enrichment actives who want to give their children the best leg up out of love we need to start thinking out of the box. Why not offer these enrichment actives to all children as mandatory after school programs that extend the school day.It would cost, but it would be well worth the benefits. This would help both the children and working parents rather than sticking to the old stay at home mom model which no longer exists for the majority of American households. Times are changing and we need to rethink how we do things.
2
My wife and I have two sons, 20 and 18, so our memories of their younger years are still fresh. I was a Cubmaster and youth-league baseball coach; their mom helped resurrect the facilities at a battered old municipal swimming pool and always pitched in with PTSA activities. We were aware that other parents did more, but felt that our sons needed to live their lives without the three P's -- perpetual parental presence. We had to face our own peer pressure from parents who insisted on the helicopter approach to raising their young. There were times when I wondered if we were wrong in our approach to raising the two.
The 20-year-old is now in college and trying to figure out what he'll do with the rest of his life. Kid brother is leaving for college later this week. Nether is afraid of the future.
Their parents believe they did the best they could -- and one of the best things we did was making sure we didn't do too much.
5
We raised our four in the ‘80s, ‘90s, and aughts. I owned my own business so my opportunities for helicopter parenting were limited (and based on the needs of each child, which were (gasp!) different) but we were lucky because my husband was a stay-at-home dad and a very laissez-faire parent who coached all of them in soccer when they were little, but otherwise glanced at homework and let them be.
They all did music and sports but through school or the community unless they were really outstanding at something. Select soccer for the one standout was great for him, brutal for us, and if I had it to do over I wouldn’t.
They all went to college if they wanted. One never did. They’re all personally and financially successful, and the financial rock star is the high school graduate. My husband and I didn’t have time for “dates” but we spent every evening after dinner in our room with the TV news and the newspapers and our laptops. If the kids wanted us they knew where our room was.
Compared to what’s described in this article we clearly did nearly everything wrong. Still, I think I’d do it again, but for the aforementioned select soccer.
4
I watched as relatives had kids and observed the intensive parenting style from a slight distance. The amount of effort and money required to keep up seemed overwhelming to me and was part of the reason I didn’t want to have kids.
However I was amazed at the accomplishments and growth of the kids growing up under this style of parenting. Also, I wonder if this extra care for kids is somewhat responsible for millennial and Gen Z generations full of knowledgeable and caring young folks who are willing to speak out against injustice and care about climate change.
5
Speaking from my experience as a child, I was set up to fail. My entire childhood was based around studying and going to extracurricular activities my parents picked for me. I wasn't allowed to play with friends; that was time wasted that could be spent studying.
5
Raised in what some would consider a poor family, I learned about struggle, healthy coping mechanisms, the importance of education, and I learned that sometimes kids just need to be kids. I recently bought 13 acres, with a lot of hard work and a bit of good luck. 33 years old with 2 kids, shocker, I don't enforce them to do their homework. They are tutored afterschool, during my last 2 work hours of the day. After that, if their homework isn't done, I will look at it. My children only receive worksheets and coloring pages. Every morning we wake up we find a new creature to admire. We learn new methods of how plants grow. We play in the mud, ride bicycles and, unbelievably, we swim in creeks! They already have a basic knowledge of the importance of the ecosystem. My daughter tried cheer for 2 years. It's exhausting. We found she loves to see and create. Arithmetic, hand-eye coordination, and healthy coping mechanisms are used here. She writes short stories. Her spelling is not correct, but I thats a learning process. My parents stressed college to me. My mom graduated with a 3.8 GPA in high school and chose to be a sahm. My dad has a GED, and is a transportation manager making more than I could with my Bachelor's. We've created greenhouse adults, sheltering them so that when they're fully developed they're unable to survive what was meant to be their natural habitat in the first place. Excuse the rambling, I've a nasty bout of Strep. Good luck, everyone.
7
Please take out breastfeeding from your list of hyper parenting activities. Breastfeeding is the physiological norm for our species that optimises life long health for mothers and babies. It is not a feeding equivalent to expensive private tutoring.
13
The way I interpret the article is the current culture around how breastfeeding is enforced/ relentlessly promoted. Mothers who can’t breastfeed or choose not to are shamed. Mothers are questioned and judged based on when they stop breastfeeding. Even when it makes sense for mothers to switch to formula for medical or mental health reasons, the reaction is usually a slew of unsolicited advice- “Wait! Have you tried THIS?”, “What about THAT?”, “Don’t give up, momma!”, “Brest is best- sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice.. keep going! Keep trying!”
17
Exactly this. I struggled through months of tears (mine and the baby's!) trying to make breastfeeding work with my oldest. My second baby, tried...failed...moved on to formula much faster. Both are happy healthy elementary school kids!! Maybe it was "best" hundreds of years ago when we didn't have vaccines, decent care etc, but goodness gracious it really doesn't matter now!!
2
This is an excellent article which exposes those weak fibers upon which American Feminism has been built: a woman can have both a career and children. Yes, literally, this is indeed the case, but it is not easy at all, and the challenges myriad. This article begins the unwrapping of some of these weak fibers.
Having already raised three wonderful children, and being retired now, this article has given me the idea of offering free after school daycare for children in my neighborhood.
5
My father has a PhD in Physics, my mom has a Masters in Mathematics, and they were both college professors. They taught us four kids, challenged us, and balanced that with telling us to "go play outside," especially if we had been in front of the TV for a while. We went on trips every summer. We camped at numerous national parks, saw Cats in NYC, and drove to Northern Canada with a telescope to view an eclipse once. It was fun, educational, and we made strong family bonds. We still like to get together for cards or board games as much as we can 50 yrs later. We had the same rules, the same freedoms, the same trips, and the same academic pressures, which were high, at least through HS. We weren't rich, but certainly upper middle class. It was a wonderful childhood blending wide freedoms with guidance, a few rules, and family traditions. Extra-curriculars were suggested but not pressured. We had, as far as we can tell, the same exact rearing, but we're all none-the-less very different : a very liberal atheist lawyer, a moderate deist accountant, a liberal Zen-Buddhist message therapist / 6th degree black-belt karate instructor, and one hard right, hard Christian, no-college, self-taught, self-employed website designer. We are all happy and doing fine. I think too much pressure can end badly, and that freedoms develop social skills that are very important too. Find the interests and feed them. Limit the use of electronic devices. We all need time away from the screen.
5
A splendid article! Thank you so much for sharing! Parenting is hard enough as is to complicate it even more with the highest of expectations, and all this of course while building a career, and being an exemplary mother. It was certainly different when I was a child, and I had a wonderful childhood nonetheless.
1
The idea you need to look for advice in psychology books to raise your child is the biggest joke sold to helicopter Parents who have a medicine cabinet filled with anti- depressants. Give them love and nutrient and let them be kids. There was only one Bruce Lee- If the kids want to take karate take them but judging by the physical fighting skills of the younger generation it’s obvious a lot of money and time was wasted.
2
I feel so lucky I was born in the Fifties to two parents who took good care of me. They made sure I ate well, got enough sleep, stayed healthy, did well in school so they could send me to a good college. I asked for dancing lessons and got them.
Best of all they gave me a lot of freedom to go out and play with my friends. From the age of 7 on I could play at their houses or in their backyards, or we could go to the park or ride our bikes around the neighborhood. I learned a lot from this playtime about friendship, how to make my allowance last, and just how to navigate life. I also learned to be happy being alone; as long as I had a good book to read or an old-time movie on TV, I was fine. I was ready for adulthood when it came.
My parents didn’t constantly tell me they loved me the way parents do today. They didn’t have to because it was so obvious to me that they did, even when I was mad at them.
Do any kids haves lives like this anymore?
3
Their children absolutely mattered to our parents generation, but they had lives outside of kids: they went to dinner parties, traveled without their children, and had strong friendships based on their passions, not their kids’ sports teams or academic interests. Somehow in one generation the gravity shifted: for many families the child now sits as the dominant center sun, with parental orbits determined by the child’s perceived needs. The pendulum needs to swing back so children grow up viewing themselves as a part of a larger (family) whole, and appreciate all their parents do for them rather than expecting it as their birthright.
6
Finally. An article about parenting that names a crucial issue: economic anxiety. There is no guarantee your child can reach or remain in the middle class -- by which I mean securely employed, with retirement benefits and healthcare. Which is why parents are desperate to get their kids into the Ivies, and why the anxiety drifts down to their kids who are depressed, and padding their resumes. Wind the clock back to 1965 -- when a college degree was optional for a job, a pension, healthcare and vacation, and you'd see an entirely different society.
6
I instinctively felt that "helicopter parenting" was a bane for both parent and child. My kids were allowed to walk around the block by themselves at an appropriate age. They had friends over to play with instead of me all the time. Of course we read to them and did things with them because we all enjoyed it. It wasn't a difference in what we did but a difference in intensity. I never felt accountable to social dictates.
One sharp memory I have was that of a bake sale my son's first grade was hosting. I was too tired to bake a decent cake so, instead, I gave the mom in charge ten dollars to add to the sales' profits. I might as well have been Satan in her eyes although that amount was the equivalent of at least a dozen homemade cupcakes worth of sales. She did take the money, though, and I didn't care what she thought.
I hope that we can re-learn to leave our kids alone enough for them to find out who they are and what they can do.
3
Parenting, which ensures the survival of the human race, does not come with a manual. We learn by having experienced childhood. But life also has a way of showing us what we should or should not do with our own children. We live in a world our parents could not even imagine when we were growing up, and we need to ensure that our offspring will be able to engage with a future which is changing exponentially.
There is nothing wrong with giving your child the opportunities to learn, and grow. Lessons, and experiences are essential to figuring out what they would prefer in their lives. It is how they get a taste of what is out there in the world. You want your child to be as rounded a person as possible. While, it may not ensure their happiness, it will ensure that they at least understand what choices may be waiting out there in the real world for them.
My parents gave me the lessons they could afford. My children received the lessons I could afford and then some since they are also on the autism spectrum.
However, the article did not talk about the many parents that abrogate teaching their children social responsibility, kindness and caring, while they emphasize straight As. Bullying has skyrocketed and cruelty of those that are different is normal among today's children.
Something is definitely off kilter in parenting today. But it's not that parents spend more time with their children, it's what parents prioritize as important in life, that may actually be the problem.
3
At times this article drips with judgement. There’s a large span between having your kid play club sports, say, and following up on job interviews that your adult children have. Not every parent who strives for a healthy attachment style is motivated by economic anxiety, is a helicopter/lawnmower parent, or tries to keep an eye on their kids due to anxiety about rarely-occurring child abduction. What about the insane rates of sexual abuse that are a reality? What about the idea that we know kids who feel loved and secure do better in life? Parents are doing the best they can and are working harder than ever before. They are not supported in the U.S. Articles like this give an equal measure of information and condescension, and don’t really reflect the whole picture.
3
I'm laughing my head off at these parents who say they have so much investment in their kids' lives and how they're so tired from doing so much for them. From what I can tell, parents today take their kids out in public and totally ignore them. Leaving them to run wild while keeping your nose in your phone doesn't look like either parenting or very hard work to me.
If I were a kidnapper, I'd simply go to any public place, like a library, a restaurant, or a grocery store. I could walk in there and grab kids by the dozen because no one ever watches them, especially not their parents.
Kids let loose to run into busy roads, yank heavy things down from shelves, go behind counters, destroy toys in the toy aisle, stick their hands into buffet food, and bother everyone around them are the majority of the kids I see today.
So if you as a parent try to tell me that you care about your kid and monitor them and are trying to do your best for them, I'd say most of you are lying through your teeth.
3
I have a friend whose 4-year-old was just fitted with a feeding tube. There are actually parents, mostly women and none with special needs children, who have mommy shamed her for not mixing her own food and using formula. Because that's what this mom who works a full-time job needs to add to her workload while already juggling all the needs for this child. I have parents who are actually shocked that I bought my nineteen-year-old senior a bus pass and make him leave the house on the weekends and when he isn't in school. I've seen so many positives from doing this but I've had people more than imply that a "good" parent should just expect to drive their teenager everywhere and that my teenager is somehow defective because he isn't ready to drive yet. I just ignore these people because I see no value in their sanctimonious approach to life and parenting.
3
I understand the focus of this article is about drawing a correlation between parental involvement and perceived potential success of our children. What would be more interesting to me is level of happiness for both parents and children. You don’t need a big budget, fancy parties, and many extracurricular activities to enjoy being with your children. But you do need time, which in my mind is a bigger challenge in income disparity among parents.
7
Growing up, my best friend's parents were constantly on top of her. They did every homework assignment together, went to every school play, and knew where she was every minute of the day. Today, she is the graduate of a prestigious school, has a six-figure paying job, and is starting a family.
Meanwhile, my parents let me do whatever I wanted. I took the city bus alone beginning age 7. They had no idea what classes I was taking, went to some but far from all school plays. Today, I am the graduate of a prestigious school, I have a six-figure paying job, and I'm starting a family.
It seems to me that kids decide their own destinies and parenting style just doesn't matter that much. So given that, I will choose the easier method!
6
"For the first time, it’s as likely as not that American children will be less prosperous than their parents."
Then the last decade-plus of helicopter parenting clearly isn't making a difference.
Over stimulating children has clearly created more social and economic anxiety within them because of the perceived idea that they will be poor and destitute if parents and the child overwork themselves. It's a self-perpetuating illusion.
@Scott Wait... so you're blaming the economy on the helicopter parents of the last decade? How are their children drivers of the economy?
1
The last sentence of the last paragraph: "It isn’t what I think feminists thought they were signing up for.”
Wow, talk about burying the lead.
4
If modern life was healthier- better food, more physical movement, more connected community, parents wouldn't have to bend over backward to engineer a healthy lifestyle for their kids.
2
Exactly
@Stacie It is the parent's responsibility to provide healthy life for their kids, nobody else's, not society, only the parents can do that and should do that, don't want to put in the work then do not have the kids.
“It’s still an open question whether it’s the parenting practices themselves that are making the difference, or is it simply growing up with college-educated parents in an environment that’s richer in many dimensions?”
For me it was definitely the latter. My parents were both college professors, and I don't remember them ever spending an inordinate amount of time with me; my sister and I spent a lot of time pursuing our own interests and playing with friends. What I do remember is my parents' wonderful library to which we had complete access and, most importantly, their insistence that we always have dinner together and discuss a variety of different topics, from current affairs to history to musics. It was the quality and not quantity of time that my parents spent with us that made a huge difference.
4
I am a mother of three young kids 8, 5, and 3. I believe we have to look at the child as an individual and allow them to develop their own personality. My oldest is involved in various activities that do require time such as music and chess. The little ones have not expressed interest in extracurriculars yet. I do have a high achieving daughter (8) and I strive that I meet the education she craves. It does take time, energy, and money; however above all else we are trying to guide them towards having a relationship with God and understanding that mental health comes first. I know parenting, school, and career takes a toll on the family so we try to model self-care and spirituality. I believe that in this day and age our children are being treated as little adults and we have to step back and remember how precious their childhoods are. Children need adventure, boredom, nurturing, healthy relationships, and family just as much as they need education and extracurricular activities. It’s all about finding a balance and modeling positive behaviors. After all, what is the determinining factor for satisfaction and happiness in life? It’s certainly not money, but how you fill your life with meaning and purpose that truly counts.
I'll keep it short and simple: This is why I couldn't have five children like my mother did, and instead had to stop at two, and I resent it.
1
@Janice Robinson and this is why I didn't choose to have children at all. When I was a kid my mom did read to me when I was young, help me occasionally with homework and taught me things about nature and was my Girl Scout leader. Other than that I did my own thing. I wasn't interested in sports and was perfectly capable of thinking of things to keep me occupied on my own. My father wasn't involved much at all. I loved to read, and go wander in the woods with my friends, without supervision. We rode our bikes, we hiked, we made up stories. By the time I was in a position to have kids, parents were expected to enroll them in all kinds of sports, attend every soccer game, and be involved in the Home & School Association and contribute to events and so on. And that was jut the beginning. I couldn't even imagine giving up all my weekends to watch soccer games among young kids. (Surely one of the most boring sports ever, even with professionals, let alone young children). I said no thanks.
Now add one Autistic child into the mix and multiply all the stress, anxiety and exhaustion of parenting by 1000%. But the judgement just increases and the lack of support significantly decreases. If you think it's difficult to find and pay for typical childcare try finding and funding autistic childcare!
2
The author mentions parents who “constantly monitoring and teaching children” but as examples of this includes enrolling in music and sports, kiddie play gymnastics, etc. I wouldn’t assume that is teaching or monitoring our children. As a single Mom I signed my kiddo up for all kinds of stuff at the YMCA mostly when it wasn’t summer to keep her active and so she could be a silly kid with other kids. I didn’t expert her to do much other then have a taste of something new that could pique a lifelong love interest (art/music/gymnastics) or just have a good tune and be with other kids. I was definitely not monitoring or teaching her. I was kicking back with the other Moms with coffee and everyone was happy. The classes and organized fun decreased when the kiddos were able to plan things on their own if they lived nearby. We’re not Tiger Moms evaluating our kids “performance”; we’re busy in deep discussions with other parents. I caught up on reading during kiddie swim classes. This was definitely not “hands on” parenting.
1
In some ways, I resonate with the experience outlined here--the exhaustion, anxiety, and perpetual inability to attain not merely success, but _perfection_ as a parent. The "rules" vary--vastly--depending on where you go, who you ask, and, sometimes, even *when* you ask. The mom community is often as validating and supportive as it is vicious and alienating. (I know dads struggle too! But I am not as privy to some of the finer details of their struggle as a mom.)
Parenting is by far the most challenging journey I have ever embarked on. I often wonder if I am sabotaging my children's chances of success because I let them watch two 14-20 min episodes of Doc McStuffins during the day, or because they aren't eating grass-fed meat. Somewhat kidding...but mostly not. We are low middle class at best, and never before have I realized with such stark, sickening clarity that the opportunities afforded those with money are simply not options for us.
I love spending time with my children. I don't strive to cripple their independence, but...they aren't even 3 yet. They want mama all day every day. While flattering, it is also taxing. #MAMANEEDSFIVESECONDSTOGOPOTTY
Safety is a huge issue. No offense, fellow Americans, but no, I don't trust you. We don't care about one another as we used to (from what I hear from my gram). Human trafficking is a local danger. If I lived in highly collectivistic Japan, I wouldn't be as leery about "free-range" parenting.
1
@DreamersWhoDo Money indeed provides greater opportunity, how does one not understand that before deciding to have kids or how many. I agree with you that free range is not good.
Parts of this article are much ado about nothing. For example, it says parents spend an average of 5 hours per week in activities with their kids. That's less than 45 minutes a day. If you can't be bothered to spend 45 minutes a day with your child, why have them? Yes, I pay for sports and activities, but every person should have something they're good at and love. Sometimes those are the things that keep you going when times get rough, and I'm thankful I can afford them for my child. I chose to have a child because I want to spend time with him and have a relationship with him. In 8 years, he'll presumably fly the coop, and the time spent with him now will likely determine what our relationship is like then. I agree that there's a lot of economic anxiety and worry about the future, but the solution is fixing the corporatocracy and paying every working person a living way, not changing parenting styles.
2
There is a difference between actually participating in your child’s life as the parent and the adult in the equation and throwing activity and money at them in an effort to fill the time.
By that I mean you don’t get to count the endless hours driving to and from events or even the help with 8 advanced math lessons as parenting. Parenting involves parents and children routinely flowing in and out of each other’s lives on a daily basis. Doing the mundane and usual. Laughing, playing, disciplining, cleaning, watching each other, doing people things not just constant striving things. Kids don’t have time to learn to entertain themselves with a box of crayons and moms don’t allow themselves breathing space by letting the kids just on occasion, be bored. Boredom is as much s part of life as soccer lessons and homework. It is self motivating as well.
1
This confirms my thoughts on the pressures of modern day parenting. It touched on a lot of points that I have talked about repeatedly with other mothers. What I wish the article mentions is the increase in pressure for this generation to relocate away from their families in search of job opportunities, which could be increasing some of these demands for child care and resources. I do wish there was a bigger conversation about why there aren’t safe places for all children to go after school and what part of child development is a societal responsibility vs an individual parent’s responsibility.
3
This article is so spot on. I drive further and pay more for my sons Montessori school than if he were in a regular preschool and I am watching monsters inc on a Friday night with him as I read this article. The very decision to do montessori school came from talking to my parent friends who shared their experiences with me that made me want to enroll him. Also he wasnt talking well by 2.5 and I met another mom at a birthday party who shared with me the resources available that are free that help with speech therapy. My day off work, presidents day, was spent at an indoor gym for toddlers. Im pretty typical of this article. However there are anomalies like my mom who was a single mother/immigrant/was learning her way around a new country and a new language yet somehow found a scholarship for me to attend a private elementary school that had built in resources for years. I'm blessed my mom, with her limited resources, was able to find me many of the same opportunities that I can now only obtain as a result of being an upper middle class woman, although I did grow up with many more limitations than my son has. I'm hopeful though that the things I'm able to give to my son (education, my attention, and extra curriculars) can take him to the next level of possible opportunities later in his adulthood.
1
I grew up as an ex pat of parents working overseas. I remember roaming the neighborhoods in the Middle East (80s-90s) with my brothers and having a ball. We learned to problem solve, act independently, figure things out when they went wrong. Sure, we got into some trouble. We got out sometimes by the skin of our teeth... but the stories we have now! But I worry my daughter isn’t going to have this experience. When I was 18, I raised 10 grand and served on a volunteer mission overseas. when my folks dropped me off, I got on the local bus and found my way where I needed to go. I found the exchange house, the bank, the stores, and got back in time for dinner. I doubt some kids today could replicate that. What people need now is to reconfigure what success looks like, reality is the economy has changed. If you’re not satisfied, change. Life is too short to not live from your values. Get out of debt aggressively, get a small emergency fund together, then stay out, stop trying to keep up with the new car/picket fence pipe dream, because it’s slavery, and live smaller, live way under our means. My daughter was in everything and she’s only 4. It’s just not worth the harried life style. I want to be present, not perfect. THAT is what your kids remember. THAT is what will give them a deep abiding sense of success in life when they get fired from their job or their marriage ends... you can have all these advantages and still experience failure. I’ve lived long enough now to see it.
1
I grew up in Belgium’s countryside. I grew up free of playing outside with the neighbors and I was not watched like a hawk by my parents. We were pretty free and very happy like that. We only would attend extra curricular activities if we wanted to. We had a very good childhood. I moved here about 8 years ago and I really love this country, however the cost of parenting here is so high. You are told you should make your own baby food with exclusively organic product. Supposedly no electronics and you should avoid TV at all costs. Daycare is an expense of its own that I actually cannot afford, so I find myself juggling with being a full time grad school student and raising my children while my husband works. I have no time fo myself and it is purely exhausting. If education here was not so competitive and expensive I believe we parents would not feel so pressured to do everything right.
1
This doesn’t quite seem to reflect my situation, so what is missing??!!
To wit: 5 children (3 stepkids) to raise and try to keep everything “even,” finishing a PhD, both parents working full time. Kids did sports on school, 1 did soccer , 2 did music lessons, and, over the years, all worked in summers or even on high school. They ended up, generally speaking, with okay jobs/career, in 3 cases have fantastic spouses, have produced 9 grandchildren, and call their mother on the usual special days. No helicopter parenting here, and I’m not convinced the outcomes measured are all the right ones.
Very relevant topic these days. I do think perspective of Dad's are under represented in these pieces.
3
I know its just a quick quote, but its funny reading about Ms. Sentilles enrolling him in piano, at 5. Did he want piano? Took him to soccer, track, swimming, martial arts. All great those. "I did everything. Of course i did." Really?
Did take him to the public library. To the art museum. Go for walks out in the forest. Go to the museum of natural history or the planetarium.
Play geography in the car on long trips. (I still remember the triumph when, on a tip out west, at age 8, neither my 12 year old brother nor my dad, had heard of Silesia) Go to classical music concerts, or any concerts?
I say this b/c in body obsessed America i meet so many parents whose idea of parental involvement is enrolling kids in non-stop physical activities , or non-stop get ahead courses like math for geniuses, spelling bee prep , etc etc.
She rarely has him out of sight when he is home? I hope he does not end up with asthma attacks. Let the kid go play, madame.
5
My 4-year-old is already over-scheduled and -monitored. Mondays it's a nanny who picks her up from daycare. Tuesdays she carpools to ballet, and I meet her at 5:15. Wednesdays it's School of Rock, where she and 5 friends jam to Katy Perry and the Beatles. Thursdays its swim lessons (and a long commute) - home at 7. Friday, skiing (with dad).
This isn't because I'm determined to climb the social/economic ladder -- she is overscheduled because I work a relatively typical 45-ish hours out of the house each week. I'd like to work less, but it's not an option. (Or rather, it's an option - but I'd give up more than I'm willing to give up.)
2
In the New York Times article, “ How involved are your parents or caregivers in your day-to-day life?” parents discuss raising children and their involvement in their children’s day to day life. Writer Claire Cain Miller mentions many challenges facing poverty and discusses the life of abusive parents. She writes about how today’s world consist of a lot more single moms and how the rate of single moms has gone up. Many moms are having to work multiple jobs to support their children, which leads to spending little time with their kids. Spending time with your kids has a huge impact on them. They benefit by learning and can develop more.
As Claire Cain Miller wrote in her NYT article, she interviewed many different moms. Some were living in poverty, some were working multiple shifts, some were single parents, and some were alcoholics. She found that when these moms had more than one child living with them, they did not spend the time with their children needed to help them develop into normal adulthood.
1
This is entirely on parents. People can choose not to be like this. Now some things are harder than they used to be. Busy bodies will call the cops on a 10 year old who is unattended. But we can and should pass legislation to make it easier for parents who want to let their kids play outside.
4
It’s sad that the storyline of the SandLot could never happen today.
You’re Killing Me Smalls
Well just killing kids fun and experiences , but who needs those ? Structure is much safer.
1
I'm that parent and here's what I have to say. Parents are, and always have, read the moment and done their best. A lot of what Ms. Miller says about economic anxiety is true. There are fewer middle class opportunities and more cracks. But that's not the whole story. Look at the photo of the woman at the top of the story. She, like me, has probably had people wonder if she's a mother or grandmother. The parents being discussed are likely older, urban parents. We don't have a village. We got advanced degrees and waited to be at a certain place in our careers and when that didn't even come, we may or may not have had kids. Our parents are often either too old to be active grandparents or have been out of the parenting game so long that it's simply not appealing to them to dive back into caregiver roles. We don't have as many children to entertain each other. My mother used to simply say, "go play with each other." Not an option for my only child. If you somehow manage to stay in the same area for long, you'll notice that not many other people do. Then you realize that you are not just your kid's parent. You're also your kid's sibling, extended family, and community. So I'm going to give myself a break and, frankly, the next person who says the words "helicopter" and "parent" consecutively may hear some expletives. Because, you know what? I've read the moment, and I'm doing my best.
22
It's not just American families experiencing this increase focus on children--I see it also in Europe, including Russia, so the suggested reason (economic anxiety) is insufficient. I would say anxiety in general, a lot of which is irrational, as Steven Pinker documented in his recent book "Enlightenment Now", and as Bryan Caplan documented (specifically about children) in "Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids".
1
This article resonated with me, but not just because I am currently a white, working mother of two. My husband and I both come from working-class families. Our parents sacrificed so that we could go to college; both of us were the first in our families to do so. If you were to look at our tax returns, you would think that we are doing extremely well, but it doesn't feel like that at all. And so this idea of economic anxiety, which I hadn't considered before, makes perfect sense. We pour so much time and energy and money into our children so that they can continue the upward trend begun by our parents. They gave us every opportunity they could to ensure we had more economic security than they did, and to do anything less for our own children would be letting our parents down.
3
Has the word BRAT fallen out of use I wonder. Is it possible such relentless adult 'hovering', might produce little egotists with endless demands? Picky-choosy in their every consumerist habit: especially eating choices. What about 'benign neglect'? Is that out of vogue too? Knowing there is a responsible adult somewhere around in the home gives kids (not infants/toddlers) enough security. Teaches them that adults too need to be given space and time-off. Just knowing there is Someone around to handle a homework problem; or a small bruise or cut; someone who is doing her/his own thing while the child follows his/her leanings ... reading, chatting, music, crafts or whatever ... sometimes just time to stand and stare can be quite fruitful. As a grandparent i wonder whether the child hasn't become a 'project', or an 'agenda' item. Giving exposure to arts/crafts/sports is dandy; but is there also possibly 'over-stimulation' when parenting is so self-conscious and driven? Finally, what is wrong with boredom? Why has everyone got to be 'entertained' all the time? Welcome kids to the real world ...
4
This article, and the comments (volume and content) is very telling. With teens leaving high school, we are at the end of the education mess this country offers. It offers amazing facilities (compared to many countries), a range of teacher capabilities and ridiculous schedules.
Childrens rest requirements are well documented for mental and physical health - the US education system ignores this with kids getting on buses at 6am, and leaving school at a time which is actually medically one of the two the most productive of the day (2-4pm). Classes are too long, and breaks are too short. Then they are given, largely, busy work to do for homework.
Parents are sucked into making this worse with extra-curricular activity which squeezes out the time the kids might have gotten respite. And then, for many, the kids do their socializing via devices behind closed doors when they should have been sleeping.
And we wonder why they are less happy than kids used to be????!!!
We are headed towards a much more highly automated world, not just manufacturing but everything from restaurants to medical diagnosis. Traditionally high paid (high education expense) roles will be handled (better) by computers. Society will have to adapt - and kids trained for highly paid jobs will find they need to retrain. Which hopefully they can do on their own without supervision the second time around!
Creativity will differentiate the winners in the future - we better start giving kids time to develop it!
1
i'm surprised. i've scanned the comments and haven't seen one that reflects some of the horror i experienced growing up in the 1960s and 1970s. my cousins were raped by their 'honorary uncle', as were his children, when they were 'out exploring.' i was beaten up and bullied by neighborhood brats when walking back and forth to school by myself. one of my friends was not allowed to go to the grocery store by herself [age 8] any longer after another neighborhood kid took her money. i rode the subways by myself, age 12, and adult men rubbed themselves against me. i learned to never sit in the back of the bus, that is where the boys hung out and tried to touch you [NY transit bus, not the school bus]. did my kids get to play by themselves? absolutely, i have things to do too. did they get dropped off at the mall with some friends to browse and have soda and pizza? sure, but i waited in the food court with a book or a laptop,and a cup of coffee. did they also have after-school activities, weekends at children's theatre, swim and art classes? you betcha. there's a balance between protection and suffocation.
my parenting was very hands-on because i didn't want my kids to experience any of the horrors i or my cousins lived through in the 1960s and 1970s.
8
As a current junior at a highly competitive boarding school, I know that I have plenty of classmates whose parents do everything mentioned here (and more). Nonetheless, many of the trends described in this article seem ridiculous to me, and some are deeply concerning in terms of both their short-term and long-term impact on kids' wellbeing. I see the anxiety and depression-inducing effects of "modern parenting" on a daily basis, and it's obvious that obsessive parenting creates overly-dependent children who will soon become poorly-adjusted adults. Furthermore, the only logical end goal of this kind of intensive parenting is college admissions; beyond that, 10 years of piano lessons or chess matches has no more value than simply knowing how to play chess or the piano. This goal is extremely short-sighted, since a Harvard degree is worth very little if its holder is anxious, depressed, and unable to go any part of about his/her life without parents' intervention.
While I'm extremely grateful for the "enrichment" opportunities I've had, and understand their value, I don't see the type of obsessive parenting described in this article is beneficial to anyone. In my opinion, these parenting trends have pushed families (particularly in affluent circles/communities) beyond actual enrichment, and into to a rat-race with no real winner.
9
I have come to believe that this is one of the most effective means of social control invented. I have felt the tension between letting my children find their path, and trying to give them every advantage. It is exhausting and anxiety producing, despite how much I, as a father, truly enjoyed the time I devoted to my children. At some point I realized that I didn't really have time for anything else substantial - like being involved in politics. How do you create an opposition to politicians and their policies when you don't have any time? Social control, at its most effective, is the pressures placed on modern parenting.
3
@Bandos Finally, somebody gets it. “How do you create an opposition to politicians and their policies when you don’t have any time?” You don’t.
Your column is interesting to me as I am on the cusp of becoming a grandfather and I wonder how I can be of help to my two sons.
Without a doubt, my wife of 34 years and I have struggled and sacrificed and worked relentlessly (still do) and given our kids every benefit, learning experience and adventure we possible could and they are both also succeeding, with wives and homes and good jobs and an independent income we have established for them.
I think we did a good job, BUT I always question whether we could have done things better, I will never recommend the type of behaviour the article describes of Ms Sentilles:
"Others, like Ms. Sentilles, live in a state of anxiety. She doesn’t want to hover, she said. But trying to oversee homework, limit screen time and attend to Isaac’s needs, she feels no choice."
“At any given moment, everything could just fall apart,” she said."
There has to be a balance between supervised and unsupervised time to let children become themselves, with their own interests and their own friends, and their own imaginations, not just extensions of their Parents, or Family.
3
I’ve done a hybrid of hands-on: My son selected from a full array of cultural, intellectual, athletic options but I never pushed any agenda. Ever. He always had a tremendous will to overcame weaknesses by powering through and he never quit irrespective of glory or failure. It was all his idea. He attended a top school we couldn’t afford but he never took even one day of that privilege for granted. He applied himself, again, with a 110% effort. He never quit piano, cello or pole vaulting despite only modest facility. Academically, once the inspiration from his first-rate teachers kicked in, he never stopped searching to learn well beyond the curriculum. He spent years teaching himself no matter how esoteric while cultivating strong bonds with his peers. Those friendships were as vital as his self-challenge of academic success. He graduated Valedictorian, which shocked his classmates because he was always so low-key about his achievements despite his gifts and the punishing hours he devoted to his studies. His job was the 7:00am - 1:00am schedule: no chores. He’s never given me a moment’s grief. Ever. He’s a regular kid who had many choices as I willingly dispensed with every personal luxury. He explored, failed, achieved and most importantly, conducts himself with unshakable integrity. He just finished his first term at university with a 4.0 and many friends, none of whom know how hard he pushed himself. I provided the opportunities, but it is he alone who chose his path.
1
I was a working mother, and my son was cared for by a neighbor. I put him in the best schools, and afforded him one option per semester for outside activities with other kids his age. This business of putting kids in a school like setting from age 2 is insane. Mothers are the best teachers, and kids do not need a schedule from such a young age. We are putting too much pressure on kids, and they also need to respect down time, and learn to amuse themselves. This constant input from parents is hurting them, and they also need to respect parents downtime. We are not here to entertain them 24/7.
4
Nothing matters more for moving up than who raises you. Nothing correlates with upward mobility more than the number of single parents, divorcees, and married couples. The cliché is true: Kids do best in stable, two-parent homes. Fix a culture that celebrates the "single mother" and many if not most of America's problems disappear in a generation.
1
I was a child living in suburban California in the mid 80s where I was immersed in cartoons on TV, the requisite toys, soccer, ice skating, piano and gymnastics, my mom worked full time and my dad traveled. I found an old diary I was writing in age 7 where I expressed a lot of loneliness (only child) and boredom. I was allowed to play in the dusty backyard, otherwise social interaction required car rides and supervision.
But when I was 8 we moved to a tiny island off the west coast of Ireland. It was remote but had about 200 inhabitants. None of the children had toys or books let alone lessons, and the TV had two channels. There were no telephones yet. Our school was two rooms. But we were totally FREE. We played ages 6 and up UNSUPERVISED. We played at the beach without adults watching. We climbed rocks, we ran wild over the beautiful landscape, often playing out in terrible weather. I freely, unplanned, visited the older people too, who made me tea and sandwiches, and I enjoyed their company. I got tough. I lost my fear of dogs and spiders and the dark. I read piles of books because there was nothing on TV. I stopped playing with the toys we brought as much. My imagination and creativity flourished on its own. I gained an independent, self-reliant character. Both my parents were at home all day (my father was writing). It was the best three years of my childhood.
Obviously people can’t just move to Ireland, but I do wish American society operated differently.
17
Sounds like Inishbofin Island, where my father is from!
1
My mom didn’t have the time or money to cater to five children. “If you’re bored, you’re boring,” she used to say. My kids got more classes and more orthodontia than we did, but they sure learned that phrase. There’s always a happy medium.
7
Yawn. Adapt or die. So much hand wringing about the past and the past was somehow supposedly better. Dredge up articles from the 1950s comparing to the 1930s, etc etc. and i bet similar hand wringing exists. We need to educate our children faster as the world they are being left is heating up and more crowded. Our children will be busy cleaning up YOUR mess when you are long gone. At least you taught us something. Don’t be like you.
4
1. Only in passing is digital/social media mentioned "Instagram-worthy parties." I feel a lot of parental efforts are done to brag on social media about. True, people have always been show-offs, but without the 24/7 undeletable record of social media, it was easier to give your kids tv dinners in front of the tv. No one wants that on their social media feed (or their kid's) today. Which brings me to the next point:
2. American's standards for living keep going up, so of course the standards for kids have gone up. Look at some real estate. Middle class families are expected to have bedrooms for each child, and usually a bathroom, too. I grew up in a farm house that had 5 kids, 2 adults and 1 shower. We weren't poor; that was normal.
3. Competition for elite schools didn't use to be so fierce. Now, if you're not a legacy, donor's child, or elite athlete, your admission chances can be a fraction of a percent or just a few percent. College prices have ballooned, so there's even more competition for aid. These schools can be tickets to a better life, so parents push relentlessly (even if delusionally) to get their kids in.
4. Why did I say delusionally? Piano lessons won't get your child into Harvard unless you're Amy Chua-intense or the child naturally (meaning without your involvement!) is incredibly gifted and dedicated. Many of these intense parenting actions are designed to create "better" children, without evidence that they work. Remember the Baby Einstein products?
6
@Al King "Piano lessons won't get your child into Harvard unless you're Amy Chua-intense"
FYI, Amy Chua's children were admitted to Harvard as legacy applicants. Chua graduated from Harvard in 1984.
1
The graphic is misleading. Higher income families usually have 2 working parents. They pay for daycare which can range between $500 and $3000 a month depending on the child's age and local cost of living. Households with a stay at home parent don't have this expense. As a single parent I paid 1/3 of my income on childcare, between $8k and $20k a year. Wealthy families do pay for tutors and lessons, but the cost of daycare for working parents significantly skews the data. I could argue that the rapid increase in spending had more to do with more women in the workforce and a greater need for daycare than private lessons.
6
I'm always amazed that parents can coerce their kids into super-achievement or even specific activities. I'm proud of my adult children, but I did not steer them toward a specific path although I expected them to graduate from college. The major was up to them. I tried to do more for them than my parents were able to do for me, but that does not mean I gave them everything, even when I wanted to do so.
1
people have been talked into the idea that caregiving is not a relevant or important part of life, but something they can squeeze in after dealing with the priorities of career and making money. therefore we have marginalized something that actually requires a tremendous resource from parents regardless of their other obligations. not only that, but in our neglect of caregivers and caregiving, we are destroying the social fabric of our world. people have confused caregiving with funneling money into scheduled activities and tutors to give them a leg up. in today's society, the elderly are severely neglected and experiencing loneliness in epidemic proportions, and children are relegated to institutionalized care that doesn't allow them to make the mistakes they need to make to grow and the average school kid spends less time outside than an imprisoned criminal in america.
7
also, we have removed our child from 2 elite private schools where he had scholarships. we realize that even if your child is in those schools, they are not treated the same as the non-scholarship kids and they will not have the same opportunity. period. more important they have a good childhood and feel loved and valued and capable.
4
I just wanted to thank the mom profiled here, who by being willing to share her story and risk criticism provided a starting point for so many people to exchange thoughts and perspectives.
14
The best parenting decision I made was to move away from the high cost of living area around DC and to a much smaller and much less expensive city far away.
When I speak with my DC friends, they describe parenthood very similar to this article. They brag about their 5 yr old's piano recitals, list off all the extra curriculars their preschoolers are in, and beam with pride about how "advanced" their children are.
Then they wring their hands about the never-relenting pressure to pay for it all, that with salaries above $250K it just never seems enough, about how private school and a bazillion activities and tutors are just essential life expenses, not optional ones.
In my neighborhood, we do enroll our kids in activities, but people are more sane about it; usually one at a time for younger kids. There is a mix of working parents and stay at home parents, and plenty of kids in the neighborhood out and about to play with. Life is busy and hectic for sure, but in a manageable way, not a stressful one.
Parents: opt out!! You don't need to live this way. And don't think that everyone does. Outside of DC, NYC, Boston, LA, SF and similar cities, people often don't.
13
Goodness, and people wonder why individuals like myself and others--college educated, with good fulfilling jobs, hobbies, and lives, are opting out of parenthood. The planet doesn't need more people, and I would like to enjoy my life.
10
Why aren't any DADS quoted?!
15
I was raised fairly free-range by my parents (immigrants who arrived here in the 80s). No money for fancy classes and I spent hours reading in the library alone and playing outside in the neighborhood. But my parents were STRICT (scary strict) about three things - grades, who we hung out with/staying out late, and eating well. Overall, their efforts in just those areas and not much else worked out great for us because that's what all the "competent parents were doing".
That's not the case anymore. Who will my sons play with outside if everyone else is taking Mandarin? Before the holiday break some moms in my older son's class asked me if I had signed up for holiday camp while school was out for two weeks. Huh?
I didn't even know such a thing existed. But for a minute I felt guilty that I "missed" something critical. Now nearly done with break with a very bored three year old at home, but no camp.
It's hard though. You question every decision now. Am I doing too much? Too little? There is no control set up in life. I can't go back and change something. I can't see into the future if it will all work out. So we parents with some means err on the side of caution because we see where this country is going and how it treats those without much money.
5
#loveandlogic has been around for over 40 years--with the profound goal of raising healthy, self-sufficient kids who contribute to society
1
Ms. Sentilles sounds miserable, anxious and exhausted. Yuk.
2
The article should have described some of the social changes that have led to these changes in parenting styles. It's not just that parents are being anxious or overly invested.
For example, schools now farm out a lot of work to parents. Schools now intentionally assign work to encourage parental involvement. Also, due to standardized testing, they also assign more homework to sort of force the parent (or tutor) to do some of the teaching.
Classes for babies and toddlers are about the parents making social connections rather than giving their kids an "edge". Social networks have broken down, parents feel isolated, and these classes are an opportunity to establish connections with other new parents.
It's tough to get a babysitter anymore! Sports schedules are insane, and it's tough to find high schoolers that are regularly available. Adult babysitters want ~$20/hr, so you're dropping nearly $100 just to walk out the door for an evening.
Finally, parents are told to NEVER ever dare to spank kids or use other harsh forms of punishment. Even time-outs are going out of favor, with "time-ins" replacing them. While there may be merits to gentler discipline, it takes much longer to get the same discipline result. Whereas you used to be able to spank and quickly correct bad behavior, you now need more complex reward charts and multiple discussions about feelings. Parenting is thus made much more time intensive on this point alone.
13
Lets consider the danger of raising children to expect that the world will totally revolve around them, and the danger that parents will lose themselves through total immersion in their children’s lives. There is a loss of proportionality in the current paradigm, healthy families have a balance of the needs of all the members...not going back to the 1950s...my childhood era, but some boredom and a healthy sense of obligation to participate in the family can be so beneficial. The only thing that makes our holiday madness really rewarding is that the next generation of our family has a sense of belonging, and for this I am grateful.
8
It’s okay to opt out of this and choose not to have children. I grew up wanting a family. As my life, career and (second) marriage evolve, as we age and witness relentless parenting around us, as we enjoy creating bonds with our friend’s kids but continue to deepen our marriage and cultivate our health and interests ... life with no kids continues to be a surprisingly, amazingly fulfilling path!
6
Maybe children have changed.
My granddaughters, six and eight with a mother who works full time from home, want her with them every minute. She agonises about the time work takes when it keeps her from going to school to be a room mom or whatever. They glow when she tells them she will be there for whatever.
I am bothered by my own memories, because I worked and did not participate in my daughter’s school life. Granted, we were overseas and such things didn’t really happen so I’m not sure if she would have wanted me to be constantly supervising her or not at their age.
I know I prohibited my mother from coming to school unless I really needed something. Nobody’s mother came. Mothers were busy with their lives, which entailed doing things for family but not hovering. I would have been mortified.
I’m not sure if I think all that parental attention is a good idea. I wonder what my daughter will say the first time the now eight year old says, “I’d rather you didn’t come, Mom.”
That is going to happen, isn’t it?
4
Climate change, the extraordinary cost of raising a child (185K for college tuition as published in the NYT), lack of governmental support for parents, the list goes on. My partner and I are in our late 20’s and in the top 1% of household earners, and still worry that this will not be enough to raise a child if we decide to do so. Something has to give.
4
I decided a long time ago that raising children wouldn't work, so I raised adults. The third one will graduate high school this spring. There have been rough patches along the way, but each one of them can fend for themselves as a productive member of society. Isn't that the goal?
4
@Vanessa Hall nailed it. I'm raising an adult too... she's 6, and is basically able to take care of all her essential daily tasks alone. Of course, my wife and support her along the way, but she gets up, gets ready, and is ready to leave the house every morning without much help from us, and she'll be better off for it when she's ready to leave the nest for good in 12 (ish) years.
We never pushed our son to do anything; we used our instincts and let him take the lead in what he wanted to do as far as what school to go to or after-school activities. He is smart, and flourished. He starts Harvard Law School in the fall.
3
Just a few generations ago you could graduate from high school, get a job, and have a chance to travel or buy a house by 25 or 30. You could go to a state university for 5-7k per year and pay that off immediately or reasonably quickly. Now in 2019 you can graduate from HS and work at a fast food joint, or you can go to college and incur massive debt, which you will spend decades paying off. Yup, just writing this comment has made me pretty anxious....so lets stop judging kids and parents and look at the real problem - and vote accordingly.
14
@Rose: yes, but please adjust for inflation.
My parents and I spent about $15,000 total on my college degree -- 5 years (it was a 5 year degree, and I graduated on time!) including my room and board in first a dorm and then a shared apartment...also books, fees. etc. I graduated in 1978.
How much inflation since then? Maybe 6X prices? so $15,000 in 1978 would be $90,000 today. (And it was FIVE YEARS -- 4 years at $3K each, would have been $12,000 or $72,000 today.)
So while prices are definitely higher today, it is not as stark as you say. You cannot say "college was $7000 a year a few generations ago" and not mention that in 1978, in my Midwestern region, you could buy a house for $30,000 and a car for $5000.
1
I average closer to 50 hours a week doing those activities mentioned with my 2 yr old son, on top of a full time job, as opposed to the article that states 5 hours a week.
2
I have a radical idea--a longer school day and year, and less school vacations. Some form of extreme parenting is frankly needed if both (or one in the case of a single parent household) parents work because our school schedules in no way match work schedules. Parents are forced to juggle constantly and put their children in a variety of programs almost on a weekly basis to address the constant days off and vacations. A longer school day could include longer recess periods where kids are allowed more unstructured free time, more time for specials to explore concepts and interests, and help balance some of the issues of our haves and have not society. Of course this would take a complete sea change where we actually valued public education.
11
totally agree. and no delayed school openings. and early closure for emergency situations, not an inch of snow. or as in my school, the forecast of an inch of snow.
2
Sounds like a prescription for a miserable childhood. People- you don’t have to live like this, you are choosing to.
3
Whoever created Elf on a Shelf is a jerk. I really feel for parents these days, its psychotic what you have to do to be a "good" parent. Kids managed like this become bubble wrapped adults who have no skills for failure or crisis
7
@P: I agree in general, but "Elf on a Shelf" is not the problem. It's a toy, a doll. Nobody makes you buy one.
1
My parents were employed in a textile factory in the South each had a sixth grade education. As children we were expected to play outside during the day; to create our own entertainment. We hunted in the nearby woods, played marbles , tackle football, and basketball. We grew up well adjusted and educated without 24/7 supervision. Our early independence gave us a lifetime of self confidence.
13
The best parenting decision I ever made was to focus and strengthen my marriage with my husband. From a secure and stable household, my children learned about relationships and respect.
The second best parenting decision I ever made was to turn off the circuit breaker to the T.V. until I gave that piece of furniture away.
14
This is absolutely my life! My husband and I try to temper some of this. It is challenging though and constantly fascinating how much we are products of our time without being consciously aware of it.
7
Religion is entirely absent from this article which I think leaves an incomplete picture of parenting. My wife, Sara, and I are regular church goers and raised both our children in our faith. We are Catholics.
We practiced some of the parenting behaviors described. We spent a lot of time with our children, because we koved spending time with them. Our approach was different though. we always limited after-school activities to one. Soccer, but not baseball too for example. Our faith has informed them both. Our son and daughter have grown up to be kind, considerate loving young adults we are very proud of. Calling a business after a child interviewed there? That is treating a young adult as if they were still a young child. Moderation is important in all things.
6
While I found this article interesting I wish the author had actually probed a little deeper on the following: at a time when we have the largest percentage of women with advanced degrees and in professional roles, motherhood is suddenly a high stakes enterprise. Aren't we a tad bit curious about that?
Nearly half a century ago my stay at home mother (no college degree) definitely had more free time than me. While she read to me every day (multiple times a day), and took me to museums and such, she had minimal awareness of my school life and I had only one formal extracurricular. I thought and still think she was an awesome mother. But she had time to read, garden, take classes and meet with friends. My mother encouraged my sister and I to get college educations and have careers so we would not have to "stay at home". But suddenly "mothering" is a high stakes mission now that college and careers are available to women. Hmmm. Why isn't the article about this?
Finally, must every article be about identity politics? This phenomenon is about gender and class. It doesn't always need to be about race! Notwithstanding the lone example the author shares (which I can easily counter with 6 moms I know on the UES who are black with 12 ivy degrees minimum who relentlessly parent like it's a CEO mission), I question whether the author has considered how a poor white mom upstate is no different than a poor black mom elsewhere when it comes to "mothering as a career."
24
Parenting is almost as intense if not more intense in many wealthy Asian countries. I'm China, the child takes on utmost importance. Many mothers return to work after having children but since family networks are so much closer, the grandparents step in to take care of the child while the parent is at work. The one child policy has also created a generation of 'only children' and even though that policy has been lifted many families still only opt for one child. Since college admissions are equally as competitive if not more competitive than in the States, Chinese parents involve their children in many extra curricular activities like English, music, swimming.
5
@E: I think the Chinese are the worst about this!
Look at Amy Chua, the Tiger Mom!
At least Americans to some degree question what they do -- Chua was all about doubling down on abusing her daughters and forcing them into music lessons and Ivy League schools.
3
Too bad women can't raise their kids anymore without working full-time or facing a demeaning loss of status in the eyes of all others.
11
Or men, for that matter!
3
It is time to reject an economic system that has drifted so absurdly right, the only people benefiting are the fantastically wealthy.
Let's bring America back to it's mid-20th Century heyday. Let's increase unionization so that workers get paid enough doing regular jobs. Let's provide single payer healthcare, pensions, and good public education options so regular people don't fear for their kids, their health and their retirement.
Granted, we'll need to increase the marginal tax rate on earned income and really increase the tax on capital gains, but we can restore the American dream that's been lost for so many. Of course we'll have fewer billionaires, but that will just have to be the price we pay.
17
The unfortunate reality of raising children out of economic uncertainty and "holding on" to class status is well-aligned with other American problems: job insecurity, at any age but worse when older; debt, including the debt of our government; overblown concerns for safety, such as fear of child abduction or illegal immigrants that are statistically non-viable; transactional behavior in the workplace, which starts in our factory-farmed, mass produced school system; constant marketing of products we "need" that add costs and garbage to our lives (this includes TV), and so forth. The process of growing up doesn't start when the child leaves the home, but much earlier. You can't raise a child while hovering and providing interaction and entertainment 24/7 and expect that child to walk out the door at 18 ready to face the world on his or her own. Growing up is gradual, and learning the skills to make your own life with your own activities is necessary from an early age. It's common sense that this over-involved parenting style is a form of spoiling children, and groom them to interact in "adult" ways (expectations, conversations) before they are ready, all the while undercutting their ability to figure things out and solve problems on their own.
6
I often think without any scientific proof that in modern day America, parents are overly anxious and live vicariously through their children's successes.
I married a French woman and in the early 90s after the birth of our first child we moved to France where we raised our 3 children.
France is not perfect but the system I experienced is far more supportive to a couple with children than what we have here :
Single source national health care without the maze of networks found in the US
6 weeks of paid vacations
Inexpensive short term or long term day care. Any child care giver must receive nationally standardized training and be certified by a government agency in order to work as an independent or employee.
Free Kindergarten, elementary, junior high and high schools. Parochial schools charge modest fees compared to private schools in the US
Similarly public state universities are free while private universities charge a fraction of US colleges' tuition fees.
A French child's parents and social class is a determining factor in academic success or failure - the class sizes are large and teachers cannot replace a savvy, knowledgeable parent who helps a child develop social skills and effective study habits and who exposes the child to extra curricular activities. If a teen loses motivation, the school is incapable of providing any significant assistance and a teen's future opportunities quickly dwindle. A tough spot for any parent.
5
@Andrew: you may have been gone from the US a REALLY LONG time, but do you seriously believe we do NOT have free K-12 education????
US parochial schools do charge very modest fees. My friend's child in a top rated Catholic school was paying about $250 a month! and this was just 2 years ago.
3
@Concerned Citizen
?? He didn't say we don't have free K-12. Not sure where you got that.
1
Assuming you are upper-middle class, would it really be that bad for your kids to drop a level and just be middle class? We're living in a world where extreme consumption is ruining the planet for future generations. Rather than anxiously over-scheduling our kids so they can achieve upper middle class status as adults and thus have the economic capacity to continue over-consuming, why don't we reconsider the value of having future generations drop down their consumption? It will be good for us and them now (less stressful, less expensive) and good for generations to come.
9
As a working mother of two teenagers, I'm now at a point where I can say this is the hardest job I've ever had. My son is clinically depressed and my daughter is prone to anxiety. We live an upper-middle class lifestyle, my husband co-parents, and there are no financial hardships. Yet, I always feel as if I haven't done enough. The parents we know and socialize with are exactly those you target in your article- elaborate homemade Halloween costumes, Kumon, music, art, club travel teams, summer vacations abroad, martial arts, second homes in Costa Rica or the mountains, and more. Some of these kids are just plain mean, spoiled, unappreciative, and some are decent. It's all a crap shoot, and helicopter parenting is exhausting. I want children that grow up to be compassionate, kind, and who treat others as they would like to be treated. But the latter is the toughest act that happens to start with self. Of course I also want them to be financially independent and responsible too. The books have tons of advice, but I'm beginning to deeply understand I know more about my kids than anyone else. I'm learning to stop listening to the critical chatter of others, ease up on what I think I "should" do, and instead intuitively focus on what is best for me and for my kids.
23
@Gema: if your kids are depressed and anxious...you have been helicoptering them too much.
They are teenagers. Let them go explore and take (reasonable) risks! don't hover over them, claiming it is just because "you want them to get into an Ivy league college!"
Also, I suspect part of the problem is you live in a wealthy area -- plus social media -- so your kids compare themselves to other wealthy kids, and popular kids, and always feel inadequate.
My solution: buy a hammer. Smash their smartphones to bits.
Problem solved.
Depression and anxiety are medical issues—not something to be blamed on a parenting style.
4
When you refer to exclusive breastfeeding, you are talking about the first six months of life, because no health organization or parenting philosophy advocates *exclusive* breastfeeding beyond this age. Exclusive breastfeeding for around six months is not some newfangled invention; it's as old as humanity itself.
9
@Su-Laine Brodsky
"Exclusive breastfeeding for around six months is not some newfangled invention; it's as old as humanity itself"
True. What's new is the self-congratulation and status symbol aspect of it.
5
Many parents have brought this upon themselves. Kids are over-supervised, over-coddled, over-scheduled, over-pressurized to excel in everything, etc. Parents think that two kids sharing a room is 'unconscionable', that every kid must have their own iPad, iPhone, etc. Every adult family member must have their own private vehicle (typically a street-hogging, gas-guzzling SUV). Multi-car garages are now considered the 'norm'. Family vacations, which used to be a family of six loading up the station wagon for a trip to a nearby beach, national park or the mountains, are instead the family all hopping on a plane somewhere. Instead of the parents making dinner and then putting it on the table in front of the kids, it's 'Johnny, what would you like for dinner?' or 'Jane, you don't want pasta?....ok, then what about fish...would that be ok for you?'
Parents aren't 'parents' anymore. And far too many adults are using their kids to boost their own images for the outside world, thereby putting enormous pressure on the kids to 'excel'.
21
How much of this is simple demographics? We are having fewer children. Parents have more time for each child and a greater desire to make sure that each child turns out 'perfect.'
6
The reverse side of obsessing over kids' "success" - defined by the parents referred to here as a huge CV full of contrived experience, a brand-name degree, high salary, etc. - is the implicit assumption that a whole range of other outcomes represent "failure."
The assumption that if your kid doesn't end up going to college or making a lot of money, he or she is a failure. These assumptions influence an entire way of looking at the world; seeing people who drive trucks or serve hamburgers as failures and then treating those workers without dignity or respect. And then workers in those jobs begin to believe they don't have dignity either because they are so often treated like dirt. A lot of this is because wages keep falling and employers are awful, but the very least fellow workers could do is treat each other with respect.
But if you assume a narrow view of success and failure for your kid, you're might begin to see the rest of the world that way too.
Maybe your kid will end up mopping floors but will also lead the revolution America so desperately needs. Or maybe he or she will just turn out to be a decent human being.
26
So parenting has become yet another mucking middle class trade. Isn't this just another example of massive lifestyle norm overkill, driven people playing "Fetch" with a scripted existence? It looks utterly maniacal, in context with the realities of modern life, and the bizarre condition of the US at the moment.
In theory, parents of all species are supposed to teach survival. This is teaching them a behavioral norm which will be obsolete by next generation, and in a very fluid socioeconomic environment which is changing beyond recognition on a daily basis. Doesn't survival include something other than following the herd to a pre-programmed oblivion, too?
1
This is a good article, but it should have kept more focus on the message at the beginning. Parents recognize that their children face a world of dramatic and increasing inequality. They are desperate to try get their kids on the right side of that unforgiving gulf.
Sure what they do is selfish and stressful and even sometimes counterproductive, but the real story is that THEY’RE NOT WRONG. That is the world we’ve created and are continuing to promote.
When government stops supporting the population, you create a dog-eat-dog world where everyone loses. There’s a good reason why this country has slipped well down on the list for upward mobility. That isn’t just a matter of charity, it’s about the way of life for everyone.
15
Surprising there is no mention of crusical cause.
Though an Indian and other non Western middle class youngsters do face many similar traumatic situations, parents like us do not have face dead end for the solution. We understand that biologically, we are hardwired for a spiritual connection and the spiritual development is a biological and psychological imperative from birth. Maintained and integrated with these other aspects of development, spirituality supports the child through the challenging developmental passage of adolescence.
Westerners under the strong grip Cartesian Dualism continuing to neglect human's spiritual development needs. Spiritual stunting has perhaps damaged a child forever, creating a brittle sense of self and a lack of resiliency.
Lisa J Miller in The Spiritual Child ‘ cites some evidence that supporting the spiritual development in teens creates more supple pathways between the front part of the brain, which is command central, and the intuitive, perceptual parts, building a more integrated person. “We can see the crisis in the making when spiritual development is neglected or when a child’s individual spiritual curiosity and exploration is denied,” “In a culture where often enormous amounts of money, empty fame, and cynicism have become toxic dominant values, our children need us to support their quest for a spiritually grounded life at every age.”
1
Having children nowadays is an act of free will. You want it you got it...Even if parenting nowadays is sugar coated in many subtle ways it’s a “high risk” endeavor not the least genetically (don’t even mention societally). In comparison, buying a lottery ticket looks like a sure bet, something most people would never do as it entails risking their own money. Last but not least, the world population approaching 8 billion, our spaceship Earth is getting kind of crowded and polluted. An extra child has a carbon imprint of 58 tons of CO2/year, a fact that is readily ignored in all environmental discussions.
5
Give me a break. Each generation thinks it’s harder, regardless of the reality. Parent is relentless but it’s a modern or new phenomenon.
2
Finding a right balance is the key. Stop driving your kid to every extra curriculum activity that is out there because X, Y and Z is doing it, have them pick one that they like the most and sign them up to do that. It is exhausting to see parents driving their kids around from Piano to Kumon to Karate and then complain that they do not have time for themselves. Please let the kids have some "me" time. I feel sorry for the kids and not the parents. They have absolutely no life, every minute of their waking hours is doing some lesson :(
2
IMHO, this quote is quite revealing:
Caitlyn Collins, a sociologist at Washington University in St. Louis whose book, “Making Motherhood Work: How Women Manage Careers and Caregiving,” comes out in February. “It distracts from the real questions, like why don’t we have a safe place for all kids to go when they’re done with school before parents get home from work"
Nonsense. there is a safe place to go. It is the local park/playground, as even this article states.
Let children roam.
5
If I was a parent today I’d want to jump off a cliff. I was brought up in a middle class hood and my parents didn’t hover over me like a hawk. They let’s us dictate what we did after school and on weekends. We had to tend for ourselves mentally. Fill our own days. Be mentally self sufficient. My folks did things with us on the weekends sporadically. They had their own lives and we had ours. I see in many other families a scouring over involvement in their children, often not with good results. “Simple fun” as one commentor wrote just doesn’t look to exist anymore. That occurs when as a child, I made the plan, executed it, and made it home by dinner with a smile on my face.
9
Yet another in a seemingly endless parade of reasons to learn to be happy without children.
10
Children need space (can be time, nature, neighborhood) to explore, think, make mistakes and wonder. Having ol' folks, young folks and peers in their lives can provide a balance, with different perspectives that children can ponder and react to ... and add to. Simplify children's schedules. Laughter, discovery, mistakes and shared moments prepare children for a strong future, as they'll apply patience, compassion, humor, curiosity and effort - and continuously gain knowledge, as their future unfolds.
2
We have an amazing 8 year old. She walks 3.5 blocks (By herself) to school every day She cares for her pets daily, does her chores and cleans up after herself. When she asks us to do a task she can easily do herself, we say- "Do it yourself"
When she has conflicts with friends we say- "Work it out"
Most of all, Kelly and I say - NO. We have explained to our daughter that she can always ask why we say no, which we do. It gives her context as to the direction we want her to go. With that, she has also developed strong negotiation skills which will serve her well throughout her life.
Our goal: A child that can take care of herself and be a self -sustaining adult with a work ethic and the skills to navigate the modern world.
9
My wife and I raised our daughter in the way the article describes. I was always aware that in my own childhood my friends and I had wandered freely and created our own activities. And it was fantastic. We had fun and adventures, laughed and played, learned about life and the natural world and occasionally got our noses bloodied. Our parents were not involved. With my daughter, now 28, it was all play dates at other kid's houses, monitoring her safety through the window in the park behind our house, and scheduled activities. When she was in her late teens I described the contrast in our upbringings to her, telling her that I regretted being so overprotective of her throughout her childhood. She thought about this for a few seconds and said "I know what you're saying but it doesn't matter. I had an awesome childhood."
8
Fear of loss is often a greater motivator than expectation of gain. The growing concern that our children will drop below the income glass ceiling may be a greater driver than the hope of rising into the "10%". As the article bears out, it is those in the "middle class" (including most professionals) who, consciously or unconsciously, work against policies that may allow those below the glass ceiling to either rise above, challenging the middle, or move the ceiling up, encompassing many hanging on to the middle rungs.
2
This intense push to get your kids in the right schools is really off base. As someone who has worked with internship programs in some of the best firms in the US and who has worked in recruiting for over 20 years, I have seen firsthand that the school does not define success in the long run. Sure a degree from Yale may open some doors initially but only initially.
My best advice would be to get the kids off the treadmill. Teach them a strong work ethic. Get them a job. That work ethic will define their success much more than a Harvard degree. I have seen the work ethic win a thousand times over and the Ivy Leaguer (who felt he or she could rest on their laurels) fail.
13
Agreed 100%. After your first job no one cares what school you attended.Ruining childhood for 4 years in a long life is sad. Do the math parents: all you precious children are NOT going to Ivy Leagues where the admissions are less than 10% and favor legacies and wealthy.
1
As is mentioned in the essay and in some of the comments, the parents are reacting to how we have changed our society for the worse. The larger community, government and otherwise, is failing to create a setting where parents feel they can step back from being intensively involved with some level of confidence their children will do well. Two examples. We’ve destroyed Unions taking away the most powerful tool working class people had to gain some element of financial security and we’ve made a college education cost as much as a new house. Both of these have the result of making parents more concerned, legitimately, about how their children will fare in the future.
What is missing from the article is an explicit discussion of how parents can buy their children advantage. SAT prep classes, donations to colleges and paying to be on local travel teams which have become pipelines to public high school teams, often has less to do with improving a child’s education or ability but rather putting them into a new, somewhat, closed and elite setting.
10
@Matt: "WE" did not destroy any unions.
Unions destroyed themselves.
They got corrupt and greedy, and made ridiculous demands in the face of a global economy and declining profits….companies off-shored to get away from them.
Nobody "got rid" of unions and nobody can bring them back except PEOPLE who are willing to organize and sacrifice to FORM A UNION.
Liberals seem to think that "governments will just give you a union" and it just does not work like that.
1
My goal as a parent is to 1. give my children choices and 2. instil in them a belief that they must always do their part to help others. I want them to have the choice to live a simpler life than their parents, if they want. If I filled their life with all the opportunities money could buy, it could limit their career choices to those that had the greatest earning potential, regardless of how fulfilling they found it. I want them to see happiness and fulfilment at every point on the economic scale. To know that satisfaction comes from purpose. As such, we have chosen schools with greater socio-economic diversity, knowing our children will have friends with vastly different backgrounds than themselves. We hope this will give them the chance to see both that families can be happy, regardless of income, and also the problems that come with poverty and inequality so they will understand the changes that need to be made in the world, and be inspired to make them. Our kids participate in more activities/extracurriculars than we were young, but (we hope) it is driven by their own curiosity than our anxiety. Of course, this is the POV of a parent with middle-class means, which means our children have a safety net. If we didn't, perhaps our anxiety would be greater, our parenting goals different. Regardless, we need to have a larger conversation about values and the society we hope to be. One that strives at the expense of others? Or one that raises children who lift others?
7
How can it be that that in such an expansive treatment of the topic of parenting, the only mention of fathers and the impact of all of this on them is this one solitary line? "While fathers have recently increased their time spent with children, mothers still spend significantly more."
That's it? Responsible, loving fathers are struggling and suffering not only from all of this, but often from the time-worn tradition of being disappeared from serious consideration re their health and well being, along with a mother's. As if the financial and emotional demands, the relentless stress and ever higher expectations, their social isolation as fathers and the stone cold silence re their value as partners and parents, just doesn't matter. Sometimes not to those closest to them, and not, apparently, to those writing about the subject.
Please consider expanding coverage of "parenting" to include these dads, too.
14
@teresa barker
Thank you. As a father who's sacrificed as much as anyone out there, I felt diminished and excluded by this article and most articles like it.
6
As a working single father of four I can say - “AMEN”
The glass ceiling that holds women back in the workplace holds men back in the home.
It’s the same glass ceiling keeping women in the home and men out of it. Further its often women,like the author, enforcing the male side of the glass ceiling.
Until we all recognize that parenting isn’t women’s work we all suffer and the glass ceiling remains firmly in place
6
I felt marginalized too.
As with anything in life - moderation. Perhaps 50s/60s parents were a bit too loose and many parents now are too controlling. I don’t know. What I do know, as the parent of two young kids, is that there’s a fine balance between being there for your kids, guiding them so that they know how to think, behave, react, etc. and overdoing it. I try my hardest to actively point them in the right direction without necessarily walking them the whole way there (metaphorically speaking). It’s crucial that kids figure things out for themselves, having had some support beforehand or along the way.
My childhood was a bit strange in that one parent was a bit too overbearing (though all well meaning) and the other was almost too hands-off. So I’ve seen it from both sides and, again, the answer is probably in the middle. Or, it’s to do what you think is best but to adjust as you go along. Listen to your kids, see where they’re at and where they’re going. Maybe you can let them out for 5 hours and all is fine, or maybe it’ll call for more supervision.
In the end, questioning whether you are or aren’t doing enough is probably a sign that you care. Which means you’re probably a good parent.
4
I am a white american who grew up in mostly black and generally culturally diverse PG county Maryland in the 80s and 90s. I am fortunate to have a dad who waited for two days in a line to get me into a K-8 public school with a magnet arts program, probably one of the most amazing (and FREE) opportunities I have ever had (why can't this kind of thing be more of a norm for more kids?!) I am now a practicing artist (thank you public school for getting me started!), and for many reasons much of my life the past ten years has been lived in Mexico. I have been so happy to be raising my son there, where kids play soccer in the streets, ride the public bus to school, etc. Yes, kids staring at smart phones is a real problem in Mexico too, but I am encouraged that overall, childhood still seems to maintain a sense of free play in a way I see it quickly evaporating in the US. As my son grows older, if he expresses an interest in learning something in particular I certainly will try to provide the resources, and sometimes that is books (public libraries are amazing and free), and sometimes it is a special teacher or class. As parents, we do what we can and what we think is best. But I definitely believe there is benefit to children playing and learning together without constant adult supervision. Our world is changing RAPIDLY and in directions we hardly understand, certainly encouraging compassion should be a priority, but also adaptability, best learnt in unguided situations.
4
What I think the article does not adequately address is how this style of parenting is tied (or perhaps is not tied, but I believe it is) to the rising rates of teen anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation. I think all of this time, attention and expectations poured into kids puts an incredible amount of pressure on them to "succeed" and to be "perfect." My children know multiple kids that have attempted suicide at 12, 13, etc. Something is very wrong here.
In addition. if the children are never allowed to fail (or be less than perfect), they never learn how and when failure happens, it seems insurmountable.
I also think doing everything for your child and making academics or extracurriculars their only "job" puts too much pressure on those pursuits and does not set them up with the skills they need to be an independent, successful adult.
I am guilty of pouring resources into my 2 teens, but as we have seen the stress of high school and college applications play out, I am realizing it may not be the best way. I have realized the "best" (i.e. most "elite") college may not be the best fit. We are really trying to approach college applications with a sense of realism and open mindedness.
22
This article is so true and I think a lot of the anxiety stems from competition with other parents to get kids into the best schools, which leads to the best jobs. University admissions at top schools don’t help by requiring national achievement levels in extracurriculars along with perfect academics. The emphasis on these top schools in some circles leads to the idea that if one doesn’t get in they can say goodbye to any hope of of financial security.
6
I see this trend happening with relatives and I hate it. Neither mine nor my two children's childhoods were fairy tales, but they sure beat this new alternative. My children were allowed to explore and wander safe zones in the neighborhood and use their imaginations to the hilt. Sure, they had hand-held video games and even computers, but they weren't allowed to spend their entire childhoods using them. I read books to them, taught them new words at every turn and generally got down on the floor to play with them any chance I got. You know what? One just graduated with her BSN in nursing and has been a loving RN for three years. The other is a sheriff's deputy who loves his job for the first time ever. They both went to small state colleges but you know? They love their lives and are adventurous -- the only two things a parent could ask for. I didn't raise them in bubble wrap, and that's prepared them for real life.
13
Is it a crime to want to spend time with my children? I enjoy doing activities, structured and unstructured, with my young kids because I know that this time with them is precious. I love looking at and rediscovering the world through their eyes. It brings joy to the daily grind. This article makes it seem like the only reason parents parent (v) is because of societal pressure and to provide opportunity for their kids.
Yes it’s exhausting working full time and parenting in 2018 (My 2019 resolution is to stop saying “I’m exhausted” all the time). So why do we do it?
Joy is a powerful motivator as well.
10
I gave my children a lot of freedom. I never checked their homework or looked at their history of websites visited. They were free to watch whatever they wanted on TV. I tried to limit their screen time but since the computer is inextricably linked to school work, that's tough to do. I celebrated when they failed as that would teach them that failure is not the worst thing that can happen, that getting back up when knocked down was a far more important lesson than whatever they didn't learn for the history test.
My two older children would rather have set their own hair on fire than make a B. My youngest could not have cared less. Same parents, same schools, same cultural influences.
I was busily patting myself on my back for my relative success when my daughter had a nervous breakdown and ended up on suicide watch her junior year. The stress of perfectionism broke her.
The pressure doesn't come just from the parents. We are raising our kids to believe that perfection is achievable, that they have to be good at everything or don't bother being good at anything (see: youngest child), that mistakes, rather than being inevitable are the mark of lesser people. It won't end well.
18
As a mother in her 60's, I would just say, do your very best for your children, support them in their interests and education, enjoy books together when they are young, have sit-down dinners together as much as you can, and always say "I love you". Really enjoy the time together, Because before you know it, they are grown, independent and busy, and you fit into their lives when they have time! It is good to be able to look back and know that you did the best you could with the circumstances you were in.
14
@PK Best advice of all!! and so true! this is what I do everyday and I truly enjoy parenting my 9 year old. knowing that one day, she will be grown and independent. I love watching her grow and discover the world, and giving her guidance, discipline and love. Yes, I do "sacrifice" sometimes but every relationships involves giving part of yourself. I love being a mom!
3
This article doesn’t seem to get at the heart of the trend. None of my friends’ children are even in school yet, but they seem to be in charge of decisions about where to sleep, when to sleep, what to eat, and so on. It’s beyond the urge to develop children into economic engines, because it’s hard to see how co-sleeping for 2.5 years would prepare them for the SATs. Instead, parents seem to regard their children as the decisions makers and themselves as their servants.
25
“At any given moment, everything could just fall apart.” Is it any wonder that poor Isaac has anxiety and sleep problems?
23
Every generation of parents get criticized by the generation of parents before them. It’s pathetic.
7
If I hear the phrase “I’m too busy I have two children.” Come out of my sisters mouth one more time I will scream.
Why? All they do is stare at screens anyway! Busy doing what?
11
I did not have a perfect childhood—nobody does. I was not “ignored” and I was not hyper-supervised or over scheduled.
Without all the toys and trips and classes that many middle class kids have today, I learned to be creative and entertain myself. And i wouldn’t trade it for a more privileged childhood of today for anything.
13
@Babs
I'm a baby boomer. Our parents said WE were the most spoiled generation, unable to entertain ourselves because the "boob tube" (TV) had dulled our minds. We would never amount to anything, we were worse than any generation before, rude, out of control, illiterate, etc. etc. etc. It never changes.
5
My wife is disabled, so when we had two children we decided I would work full time and as many part-time jobs as I could acquire. We moved into a modest two-bedroom apartment and between the two children, 26 years of Catholic school education has led one to nearly complete medical school and the other is a sophomore at an elite liberal arts college. We've begun very modestly funded retirement accounts for each. Yes, we want to give each of them a great shot at fulfilling lives. In exchange for living frugally, we've been able to help give society two compassionate, talented young adults. We've reminded them that they've been given much and much is expected of them. And as parents, we'd do it all over again.
9
A major side effect of helicopter parenting is that it removes parents from the political sphere. Instead of focusing on the collective good everyone is focused on individual achievement for their kids. NYC’s high school admissions process is one of the best examples with parents spending 2-3 months each fall running around the city to find 12 possible high schools for their kids. Meanwhile Cuomo is sitting on $4 billion in back-funding for NYC public schools and there’s no longer an organized parent movement to get the state to pay up.
38
I sent this article to one of my best friends in life. She responded that it was timely, because she had just spent the whole day on the phone getting her 24-yr-old's prescription transferred to a new provider/insurance plan.
I couldn't help but be reminded of the night before Thanksgiving, the year after we had graduated college, when her car broke down on the interstate at 1O pm, 45 miles from our hometown. As this was back in the dark ages, there were no cell phones, and neither of us had a credit card. Somehow we managed to get the car towed the rest of the way, all relying on our own wits. Maybe she and I draw different conclusions from that experience.
20
@Outdoor Greg
Not entirely fair. When we were 24 (I'm assuming you're basically the same generation as me from the sound of it), doing a thing like getting a prescription transferred to a new provider or insurance plan was not even remotely as complicated or arduous as it is today. Some things really are more complicated now.
Still, I wouldn't be surprised if the 24 year old proved better able to accomplish this than his mother. I do think she should consider backing off helping him with all this … but I understand where she's coming from.
2
I agree that getting a prescription transferred is more complicated now. But so what? A 24-yr-old should be able to handle it, so why did she feel it necessary to take over the task, and why was he happy to let her do it? My friend will be 70 in ten years, and she may need help accomplishing things like this for herself. Will her son be willing and able to do so?
7
Here is an 11-word article about the amount of money parents are spending on their children: The costs of pre-school and college have spiraled out of control.
11
There needs to be WAY more balance. My parents were extremely hands OFF. We were left to our own devices and my sisters and I gained amazing common sense, street smarts, creativity and imagination. Our mom was NOT involved in our education or care what we did for extra-curricular activities. The result is one kid dropped out of college for a great job at International Paper (me), another one who never could decide what to do with her life (still can't), and another one who dropped out of high school to get married & have kids. Seeing the positive side of being allowed to explore, play and use our imaginations, I totally give this freedom to my kids, by making sure in this day and age, that they have unplugged, outdoors in nature time once a week - still, and they are teenagers now. I believe in the importance of encouraging their personal interests in the arts - one loves theater and the other photography, and I believe in guiding their education to do the best they can and show them the opportunities available to them- not for ME, but for teaching intrinsic motivation. I don't want them to be anyone they aren't, but rather help them grow into who they are. They're well-balanced & happy. My 17 YO DD just scored a 29 on her ACT and wants to study forensics. My son isn't as into academics - he's an artist and wants to be a photographer. And that's OK with me. The last thing this world needs is more stressed out, miserable adults on anti-depressants, suffering through the day..
8
Just a thought:
When it was “raising children,” there was a more clearly defined goal: keep your children safe and give them some guidance and assistance in acquiring skills that would help them become an independent adult and contributing member of society.
When it is “parenting,” there is a self-focus. It becomes a competitive contest of how to keep up with other “parenting” peers and to be the best parent ever!
While the past was not perfect or golden, a little research would show that the children “raised” in the past had a statistically higher rate of happiness than those being so competitively “parented.”
16
Having taught thousands of students in public school, I have seen quite a variety of “parenting.”
Many, but certainly not all, parents today refuse to let their children “suffer” any of the natural consequences of misbehavior or poor decisions. Each day schools host a steady stream of enablers bringing forgotten items to their children. Then they wonder why it is all so exhausting.
16
I taught as an adjunct at a large university and I thankfully don't have kids. This was an eye-popping experience. The classes were quite large. The students were woefully unprepared and most did not care about learning. Extensive excuses were given when failing grades were received. Parents called. Most of these kids belonged in community college or not in college at all and many did not have the maturity to be in college. If these are our future leaders then America is in big trouble.
18
There's a fine essay by Chris Daly about the advantages of letting children run free (though he admits that parents cannot fully do so unless plenty of other parents join in).
See https://journalismprofessor.com/2011/02/02/how-the-lawyers-stole-winter/
2
It becomes especially difficult when broken and corrupt state "family" courts and governments pretend that they're better parents than fit parents are and trample and infringe on parental rights.
3
Guess what! children grow up. As a parent, you are in control of how much external influences you allow. My advice is enjoy your kids, they'll turn out in any case. Let them grow up, learn, play, experiment with a minimum of parental engagement. Ivy league schools matter not at all, it's the student's engagement that really matters. Remember all the qualities that matter in scholastic achievement hardly matter at all in real life; integrity, honesty, hard work, tenacity and the ability to get along lead to success. I'm 80 and just finished a family dinner with three generations, intelligent conversation, lots of laughing, joking and even some serious talk, so if I could offer one suggestion for successfully raising kids it would be--eat every dinner together, no matter what.
24
From the time our son was two, his goal in life has been to become a plumber. At nine, he can tell you all about plumbing and how to fix many perplexing plumbing issues. He declared, ungroomed and unprompted, at four that he wanted to bring water to all the people in the world who don’t have clean water.
We don’t do the over-scheduled rat race for him. His learning disabilities and medical issues make it a painful process with all the ultra-competitive parents, ahem, I mean kids (who learn to win at all costs from their parents).
If I share his struggles with another parent, I am usually met with their “empathic” struggles of how to help little Emma find a challenging enough outlet to properly develop her already superb acting skills or how to challenge little Miles in a world where he can’t jump ahead four grades in math.
So I ask the parents who laugh heartily and tell us to wait for our son to figure out the “right” path in life when his life’s ambition is declared, what is success?
16
@J Thompson
You are on to something there.
If I had one piece of advice for new parents, it would be this: When your child tells you who he or she is . . . LISTEN. They mean it.
And if it isn't what you had in mind for them, your challenge as a parent is to accept it.
15
@J Thompson Where would we be today if not for people like your son! Bravo!
2
@J Thompson: not only is your son amazing and unique! but the world needs plumbers!
More than they need additional lawyers, politicians and freelance writers for the NYT!
Not only is this a terrific profession, often unionized and where he can be an apprentice and be PAID to train….but when he is a fully fledged plumber, he will likely be earning as much as a white collar professional (or MORE) and have an excellent, successful life.
I am deeply touched his goal is to "bring clean water to the world". We need MORE kids like him, not more little straight-A wonks going to Harvard who end up getting us into foreign wars as adults of the "best & brightest".
Hooray for your son!
4
"reflecting a view of child rearing as an individual, not societal, task."
I have never thought it should be a societal task....in fact I didn't trust society to raise my children as well as I could..even in school. And one big fact that is missing in this article is the fact that time spent with kids involves Love and Bonding. This pays off big time later when your kids are faced with poor choices and think twice about breaking that bond with you.
5
I don't know if anybody else feels the same way, but in recent years I sense that "motherhood" in the United States has been elevated to a cult-like status. Social media has only worsened the problem with picture-perfect Instagram profiles of women with their children.
The vast majority of human beings were raised by their biological mothers, many of them in less than ideal households. How can people not be aware that some mother's picture-perfect Instagram profile is a fantasy that filters out all of the difficulties and messiness of raising a child?
30
'Intense Parenting'. This is a label that describes the parent not the children being parented, and has little to do with the actual needs of the children. Intense parents are intense people transmitting their anxious intensity onto their children. How many childhood activities are required to create a 'successful' adult?
If we are that worried about the future fod the next generations (as well we should be), perhaps our intensity should be applied to improving the circumstances, conditions and environment of the world which our children will inherit. Placing more pressure on them to perform and succeed may make them competitive people, but is that not just feeding the conditions rhat have created the problems of modern day society?
How about putting energy into creating a better world (A) and raising kind, compassionate, emotionally and intellectually intelligent children (B) thus creating a better future for the world all around.
9
Takes a lot of MONEY in our wondrous Progressive Modern world to RAISE a CHILD.
Of course it was simpler, cheaper and better when it was just the family/extended family and the village/neighborhood where kids played outside after school till dark or called to supper.
5
This article is romanticizing “free range” childhoods of the past, where in reality that “freedom” left us children alone, unsupervised and unsafe. As preteens and teenagers in the 70s, hanging out on the corner or in the park, gave us plenty of “free time” to smoke, do drugs, drink, etc etc etc. We are lucky to have survived all that freedom, and be alive today to talk about it! Both my husband and I agreed that as parents, we would keep our own children as busy as possible to eliminate down time and keep them out of trouble, We encouraged them to try all kinds of activities, arts, music, scouts, ccd, and just about every sport available. They eventually found and focused on the activities that interested them the most. As parents, it was a 15 year blur of working full time, driving kids all over town, and rushing them to each activity. And it was SO worth it! We have two smart, talented young adults who have steered clear of dangerous behaviors, drugs and drinking because they were so busy having fun with healthy, enriching activities. As for reading to children, doing crafts, and spending time with children...no parent should ever be criticized for doing too much of that! It’s called loving your child and enjoying precious time together.
28
@Bee Kwech
Thank you. The battle cry here of "My parents ignored me and I turned out fine" is disturbing.
8
Well said! My parents were self involved , immature parents. This can be masked as ,"I was free to explore, be imaginative and just enjoy childhood. Nonsense. I ended up being okay because my strict grandparents had helped along the way. As a parent today, I do not spend hours driving my kids to lessons but I definitely make sure they have structure and activity. Parenting is the hardest job out there.
Sometimes the "roam free" parent is just lazy.
3
I grew up "free range" in the 70s and 80s and really wish my children could enjoy the same freedom, but it's not so easy. Even if I just let my kids run out the door, they've got nobody to play with, because their friends are all busy with structured activities. If you want them to play with friends, you've got to schedule a play date. (And sometimes, if they do go to a friend's house, they just watch TV or play video games.) We also live in a city, with heavy traffic and little nature around. So the structured activities -- sports, ballet etc. -- become a way of making sure the kids are at least physically active and socializing with other children.
25
As a father of a 20-something, I noticed many parents in our upper middle town seemed to want a do-over for their own childhood vicariously living through the child, or see the success of their childrens' lives as their personal success.
My daughter had her own way of doing things both academically and athletically and turned down scolies to join the U.S. Navy is finishing her 8 years of duty, her B.A. and has started her masters at Tufts.
Point is this. I left a loving home at 17 to start college and created a successful life. My daughter made her choice at 18 and is on her way to her next level of success after a well merited Navy career.
8
As always, the pendulum swings. I can remember playing outside, running through the connecting yards for hours until the daylight faded. And being chased by Tippy the crazy neighbor’s terrier and being bitten by King, the German Shepard who was unkindly treated. I have a little star shaped scar but that’s the sole reminder.
We rode our bikes for miles. But you could arrive home after six hours away to discover that your misdeed had been duly noted and phoned in to your mother in even though you thought you were safe, having carried it out 1.5 miles away. As Carly Simon sang, these are the good old days.
We didn’t do anything much, but we all went to good colleges and graduate schools, despite having parents that didn’t have the chance to go to school beyond grade 12. What a different time.
22
This kind of intense parenting has been the norm in Korea for at least two decades. It's the reason why suicide rates, depression and anxiety are incredibly high amongst teens compared to the rest of the world.
Personally, I believe it's due to the hypercompetitive nature of the country, which perhaps is where America is heading towards as well--which is a shame because although there are advantages to intense parenting, there are definite downsides. Look underneath the Samsung phones and K-Pop and you'll see the depressing truth of my country.
21
The article only lightly touches on the impact of a society that is distinctly UNfamily-friendly as compared with other countries, and that has a profound impact on parenting, childhood, and family life. We should be outraged that family leave, health care, and affordable child care are not givens in the U.S. We should be demanding better transit and walkable neighborhoods that would give kids mobility and independence, and free parents from being chauffeurs for hours every week. We should insist on better and more equitable schools so the cost of enrichment doesn't have to be borne by each individual family (or skipped for those who can't afford it). Instead our American culture puts all the burden on individual families to pick up the slack where a more charitable, civil, and forward-thinking society would otherwise put support for, and investment in, children front and center of government policy. Parents are essentially swimming upstream against this cultural and societal disregard for children and families. Build a better society and children will benefit.
48
I agree with the general gist of this discussion that modern parenting hands a greater emotional burden onto parents. I am one of those parents who wear their babies, breastfed, let them sleep in my bed and take care in regards to their activities and meals.
It was that same detached, distant parenting that gave us the Boomers, and look how great that detached, individualistic outlook has worked out for the world... the same parenting that gave us anxious Gen-Xers (myself included). Those same Boomers who have left us with a short-term orientated, economy-first, xenophobic and capitalist society that fosters the very environment that drives young parents to behave in exactly this way.
For all their perceived faults, it’s Gen Y and the Millenials who are out there marching for climate action and gun rights. So maybe a parenting style that fosters greater empathy isn’t just better for the kids - maybe it’s better for society. This “you’re on your own at 18” attitude isn’t the norm across the world either, in many societies households are multi-generational and each generation continues to care for the other.
We can dial back on the activities and try to find more balance - but let’s be realistic, and look at the bigger picture too.
31
@DM "For all their perceived faults, it’s Gen Y and the Millenials who are out there marching for climate action and gun rights."
That may be your experience, but I'm a Boomer surrounded by other Boomers marching, protesting, calling our electeds, writing letters, registering voters, and so much more for civil rights, voting rights, healthcare, gun control, and climate change action. Please don't generalize--it only divides people and serves no purpose.
17
Doubt that the newest gen in multiple gen households "takes care" anywhere today.
The unfortunate fallout from an important article like this is that many parents feel the need to weigh in on how successful their children are and claim responsibility, without an iota of scientific evidence that it is they who made the difference.
30
The following sentence from the article says it all. "But it’s also unclear how much of children’s success is actually determined by parenting." The only clue to success is another statement that would have children "better-off" than the parents, or at least "not worse off". All manner of intensive parent activity is cited (supported by frequent references to authorities who have published books) devoted to that "success".
There is hardly a "success" reference to fine morals or ethical lives. No reference to a dutiful life in behalf of advancements for civil society. No reference to the parent shifting social development of off-spring to the social media. (Parents proud when their 3 year old shows talent with the smart phone.) Whatever "better-off" means, it is rooted in consumption even as obesity, mental illness, and suicide among youths mount. (Child addiction to computer gaming mount providing new job opportunities for therapists.)
Ignored is a vision for human well-being in the 21st century civil society. With all the efforts of beleaguered parents raising children the nation's well-being status declines. It takes nearly 20 percent of the national GDP to sustain the health care sector. Jobs continue to increase in health care as we enjoy "success" with abandon.
Even as industry inflates the education requirements for entry level jobs, and costs for degrees mount, parents endure the university franchise for the anticipation of student future job "success".
10
An article should be written from the child’s perspective about this abnormal parenting process. Kids don’t have fun, simple pure fun. Some hung ho parents have made child raising a job and they think they can mild their children into something that may not interest the children. It would be interesting to see how children would rate their childhoods today. A lot of this reminds me of how parents behave at their child’s athletic activities. They aren’t raising children to be compassionate and caring, it’s win at all costs. Children today are being raised as robots to behave as their narcissistic parents want them. No creativity in most of these children. Just task oriented automatons. This activity followed by another activity. Nothing truly authentic from and for the child. If this is so wonderful why are the young children so unhappy? Because they are not being allowed to just be free thinking children. They are more or less prisoners of their parents ideas, not their own ideas.
167
@jeff bunkers
Seriously..this is such an incredible sweeping generalization. In keeping with the article..
Do you know any kids these days?
Most I know are highly creative..living joyful lives..and are very caring.
28
@Bmax let's look at the date: childhood obesity (on the rise), ADD/ADHD and other learning disabilities (on the rise), teen suicide (on the rise), drug addiction (on the rise)... what else...
8
@jeff bunkers Do you have children? My guess is no- but you have the critical parent thing down!
12
At this point, I basically ignore most of what the AAP has to say. I view it as advice for rich, self-satisfied narcissists with very little substantive science behind it.
12
Parents source out raising their children while THEY LEAN IN! Who's kidding who? Parents expect schools and the internet to handle the job. Meanwhile teachers are blamed and the internet excoriated by those same parents. Oh too, the police are in the mix. They're supposed to be sensitized to this phenomenon of neglect. Then the prisons and on and on across racial, economic, social and religious lines. No one untouched.
5
The best parenting advice we ever received was:
“ Remember you’re raising your kids to be adults, not perpetual children”.
With that as our guiding principle, we set out to raise our kids so that they were were granted age appropriate freedoms and responsibilities as they demonstrated they could handle them.
It worked for us. Our children were honour students who did well in university. They were offered jobs in their fields before they graduated. Each graduated from university with no debt and enough cash to travel before they started their careers.
Oh, and when they were bored, we got out the vacuum and suggested they could vacuum or come up with something else constructive to do. Worked every time!
22
Where are the men in this article? No mention of men to speak of - this is a huge bias of perspective and conveys stereotyping.
13
@Nnaiden Read about "Attachment Theory". It explains why
We learned early on never to complain that we were bored: Mom would assign us extra homework to do out of the academic skill-building books she bought or give us a household chore to do. For parents worried about screen time, take away the screen. Mom rarely let us watch TV and did not buy us any video games. Parents need to learn to say NO. Instead, we were left to our own devices at the playground across the street along with the occasional foray to the local library.
10
I think the American Academy of Pediatrics’ statements on co-sleeping and co-viewing media are mis-represented in this article. Co-sleeping in a room is only for a short period of time in the child’s entire life. Co-viewing media is better than passive viewing of media which shows no benefit and can be detrimental to a child’s attention and behavior long-term. In contrast, you can let a child play alone, just not with a tablet or TV. The AAP just came out with a statement about toys that promotes toys that allow child-initiated play (not parent-initiated) like balls and blocks. Kids can and should learn to entertain themselves with free time. If they say they are bored, put the burden on them to figure out something to do. My daughter has created the best stories and drawings from her “boredom.”
10
A few points to consider:
1. Many parents enroll their children in enrichment activities to avoid screens and supplement what schools no longer offer - art, music, sports/activity (playground) and science. This makes for long days and too much structure, but a class is easier than trying to supplement at home - especially parents working "flex schedules" where they need to be available at all hours.
2. Kindergarteners under Common Core are now expected to read and do addition and subtraction. In the first semester. Many have tests and homework (more structure/time suck). This instills fear of failure early on; kids must perform and conform from age 5.
3. I do not romanticize the passive parenting from earlier generations. Kids were more free range, but *many* I knew were also hurt - sexually abused, sometimes by other kids. Parents did what worked for them and often didn't care to ask what the kids were up to, so they were never told. I walked to school alone from the age of 6 - too young and unsafe - and Gen X kids watched too much TV.
4. Families used to be larger so older kids could watch after and guide the younger.
5. We seek to make informed ("right") choices about everything, from purchases to parenting. Parents today are better informed about child development and seek to understand their children. This is good, but adults still need lives and kids need freedom, room to breathe (and make mistakes) and responsibility.
It's tough.
34
@Caryn Jacobs I totally agree with this falsely rose-colored reminiscence of the "good old days" where kids roamed around free to explore the woods. Yeah, there was abuse, physical and sexual, and it went along quite well with the "hide your dirty laundry" and "trust those in authority" mantras of those good old days! The environment has changed drastically and many parents have the cops called on them by neighbors and other parents for letting kids under 12 roam around by themselves, even in their own backyard. Yeah, those olden times are gone and its time to move forward with what we have.
22
I admittedly am white. I’ve always kept my children in sports and been the “soccer mom.” We are middle class (although I tend to feel lower middle class $80-$90 k a year with 3 biological children and 2 adopted family children). I was definitely this way with my oldest who’s now 20 down to the youngest who’s 7 but nowadays it’s a huge pressure as to what your child is doing next. Don’t forget to buy the pictures. Don’t forget October breast cancer socks. It’s always something. I’m constantly feeling pressured and probably spend 30 hours a week doing extra curricular activities. I use to enjoy it but over the last 2-3 years parents and parenting has changed. And people look at you like your crazy when you give your kids a little freedom. Im actually much freer with my children than any other parents I know. My parents signed me up for Karate but never attended 1 session. I rode the city bus across Orlando 40-50-60 miles by myself by 6th grade. If I ever told some of the parents I know some of these things my god! I would probably be outed. There is so much pressure on parents these days! Everything has to be perfect all the time. Ugh! I get sick of it. And everyone around me is probably 50k - 100k a year. I’ve seen parents go bankrupt with extra curricular activities. Just no one talks about it! I know my children probably take 60-70% of my excess income and we have very little savings after 24 years together and it’s mostly the pressure society puts on us with our children.
11
@Cats Out
I am white and middle-class as well. My husband is not white and is an immigrant who grew up deeply impoverished, and he's more into the enrichment, "opportunities," academic rigor, etc.
My child is in kinder but I refuse to put him in anything structured after school given he has to sit in class doing worksheets for 7 hours per day! Plus homework, at age 5! Plus, as you said, providing everything the (funding and staff challenged) school needs. It's exhausting! I try to ease the pressure for other parents by offering to watch kids and create more community, but have found there is no organizing around this. (Unlike school or enrichment classes.) Americans continue to value independence above anything else, regardless of the cost to them personally.
My parents had no idea what I did, but my friends and I put ourselves in danger. Frequently. I rode the city bus, too, but I don't mean that. It would have helped me to have had more supervision, or just check-ins/communication about who I was with and what I was up to. Most of my friends and siblings were exposed to beyond inappropriate or dangerous situations far too young ... their parents were mostly doing their own thing and checked out. Now they are "heli-parents" for that very reason, and apparently being judged for it.
13
There is one side of having your children experience all these sides of life (skiing, skating, swimming, music lessons, language lessons, and so forth) that I haven't heard. I give them to my children partly because we are fortunate to be able to do so, but my main focus is not anything other than it is FUN to ski, to feel the wind whip around you while you navigate a mountain. Ice-skating is so much FUN. It is FUN to travel and speak someone's native language as it opens many interesting and intimate doors. Music is FUN, and even more so when you master an instrument. I don't really find it stressful at all to take them to lessons and hear them laugh and slowly grow stronger with each lesson (I read most of the time anyhow). I want them to know the breadth and depth of life, because many of these activities are really fun and that is why people do them.
19
@Cecilia
Agreed. And kids have hardly any fun in school anymore. Even my kindergartener's once-a-MONTH art class is learning-based/purposeful (geometry, fine motor skills, etc.) I can't wait until the end of the day when I can take him out to give him a fun activity, even if it's just the playground.
13
Three thoughts: (#1) I'm sick of the comments from folks saying they turned out fine despite a laid-back 60s childhood... or how their kids had a no-frills 80s childhood got into an Ivy anyway. Times have changed, people! To you old folk and baby boomers: Do you understand how competitive life has become? The economic uncertainty for our children is REAL. Things will continue to get worse until we as a society decide to address income inequality and restore collective investment in families and education. (#2) Parents may be valuing skills like music and sports at the expense of skills like responsibility, decision-making, and confidence in one's ability to solve problems without adult intervention. As a university professor, I find that today's students are poorly equipped to cope with uncertainty and lack of structure. Rather than just assigning a final paper, I'm expected to guide them through outlining and drafts, assign interim deadlines, and give feedback at each step. This cycle of hand-holding cripples young adults, even as success in our hypercompetitive world increasingly requires creativity, resilience, and the ability to generate novel solutions to complex problems. As a parent, I put my kids in sports/music/etc. But as soon as they became capable of fixing their breakfast, walking to school, or doing laundry, I expected them to do so. Parents undermine their children's confidence and agency by doing things that the kids could be taught to do for themselves.
25
@L. Wish I could edit the beginning of my comment -- I ended up consolidating my ideas as 2 thoughts, not 3. :)
@L.
I disagree about the editing process.. I teach witting intensive higher ed classes. They need so much help and guidance! I am grateful for the time my professors gave to me at a small liberal arts college back in the 90s and I’m trying to pass my experience along to this generation..
3
I grew up in the 50's and 60's and we did not have a lot of money. I went to Catholic Schools which were great. I was not programmed all day. I learned Latin, French and English in High School, French in College, Spanish later on. At 65 I studied the piano. I feel my education was a success.
I did a lot of walking as a child, no sports except ice skating. I learned to swim, bike and run marathons later in my 20's. Boy, was I lucky!
5
Ah, this article confirms what i have been seeing.
As a former refugee but current middle class American with kids in tutoring and swim classes - its the dream life we were looking for. All of it. The house, the job, and kids with their own individual beds, a dinning table and table and chairs for doing homework.
But compared to how i grew up in refugee camps and scary now, but care free when i was a kid, i feel this predictable life may be denying my children experiences necessary for developing tools to manage change.
My high schooler is great with book knowledge, but throw anything out of balance and she doesn't know what to do. My wife, who is full time mother wakes up at 5:45am and crushes to her bed 10:30pm tired as if she was working at labor camp. We have zero social life and we cant even watch a movie together that is rated above PG13 since the kids may wonder to the living-room.
Forget about maintaining friends. As the only friends you can keep up with are the ones who are in the same parental quagmire with boring kid stories. Who are just zombies like us with uninteresting and miserable SAT and college admission stories.
But this is the life we wanted so we must be thankful and make it work. Once my cousin told my wife she dreams about her life of dropping off kids at Kumon and swim lessons and zipping around town in her van doing kid stuff. Now my cousin has two kids and SUV with two car seats in the back - cant wait to see their cool life evaporate.
184
@FatNomad
Sorry you, as someone who worked hard to be where you are, are feeling disheartened. As a former pediatric nurse, let me tell you, kids (even those facing death) are remarkably resilient (unlike crazed parents who feel any untoward effects are their fault). I'm an old grandma now. Here's my advice: relax, be sure your kids know you love them not matter what. It all works.
22
@FatNomad I have a suggestion. When our dryer died and we had to go to the laundromat, my kids had a lot of fun, oddly enough. The irony is that the dryer really hadn't died (we lived this way for an embarrassingly long time, and it was miraculously "fixed' when a repairman simply turned it back on). Break your dryer and teach your kids about life outside the safety of your subdivision.
13
@FatNomad I hear you. It is hard. Remember that it is temporary. All too soon you will wonder where the years went. And then later you'll ask yourself "where did the kids go ?"
In the end you will miss your kids when they're gone. Try to find fun with them any way you can, so you won't regret this time with them once they move out.
2
Affluent white mothers want to keep their kids on the top of the economic divide? This relentless mania for more in the name of the American dream is exhausting and unsustainable. Where does it end? How can a sliver of a generation do well while the majority of the world struggles through climate change and immigration. Its not working.
10
I am extremely grateful to the independence my parents gave me as a child growing up in NYC! in the 1970's! (Not exactly Mayberry).
Perhaps it was because they were immigrants who were more preoccupied with economic survival than cultivating children. They would joke later that the word "parenting" was not something they were familiar with - as they understood it, if they checked in on you in the morning , and you were still alive, their job was done for the day.
As a result of ignoring the news and living my life, I took the subways all the time, staring in the 1st grade. I laughed later at the outrage parents expressed on Oprah a few years ago at a mother who letter her 10 year old take a subway 1 stop in afternoon on the Upper Eastside by themselves, as if this was negligent or even dangerous. You are a lot safer on in a subway car than out in a rural lane.
Given all that freedom, I learned to observe my surroundings, use judgement and make decisions. All of which is a muscle that needs to be exercised early and often if today's children are going to be functioning adults (who I selfishly hope will be paying the taxes that allow me to retire).
4
Modern parenting methods are a recipe for anxiety and maladjustment.
The prime attribute parents should seek to inculcate in their children is a sense of responsibility for themselves; responsibility for their own happiness, health, safety and success.
It's a process of steadily but surely letting go. Let them read, play and entertain themselves. Let them play sports if they want to but don't attend every game; they should be playing for themselves, not for you. The same goes for academics, music, boy scouts and everything else.
13
How happy I am to have missed this constant parenting. Other than piano practice and some homework, I was as free as a bird. Growing up in rural England (I was born in 1946). I spent my early girlhood, running wild, building tree forts, damming streams, riding my ponies and building confidence, learning independence and and problem solving skills.
I will admit there were a number of 'close calls', I was constantly getting into scrapes, falling through barn floors, potting shed roofs to of trees and off my ponies, yet life holds many dangers even to the closely monitored.
In the 70s I brought up both my sons in the same fashion. All of us are well rounded adults who not only survived but prospered.
My heart goes out to these children who's 'free' time is filled with choices made by their parents. How and when will they learn to be creative, strong and independent?
18
I am extremely disappointed that the NYT published an article which puts breast-feeding exclusively in a list of intensive patenting next to Pinterest worthy parties and parents calling employers. The science on the benefits of breast feeding is clear and this has no business being compared to over the top indulgent parties. I find it reckless of the NYT to paint breastfeeding in a light of exclusivity. I’ve never left a comment in an article before but I am really outraged at the presentation of intensive parenting choices. More needs to be done to help educate new moms on the benefits of breastfeeding. Unfortunately this article furthers the divide.
19
@Anna Steffens
Breastfeeding has benefits, and it's hard to imagine most new mothers haven't heard about them.
Breastfeeding is also brandished by some as a status symbol, and it's also the case that it's still easier for well-to-do mothers to breastfeed than others, either because she has the luxury to be at home while the baby is breastfeeding, or because she works in a professional job and is allowed the flexibility to pump during the workday. Some, but not all, working mothers have the option to pump.
Breastfeeding is a great experience for both mother and baby and good for the baby nutritionally. It is not the elixir of all good things in life that some zealots have made it into, it will not raise your child's IQ or guarantee they become a happy and stable person, and it is also perfectly fine - nutritionally and every other way - to bottle feed your baby.
The Times hasn't done anything to impede breastfeeding here. If someone was doing it because she thought she was "supposed" to in order to be "doing it right," then I'm glad if she stops, or just realizes she should relax about it.
23
I think the “exclusive” is the part that is problematic. There’s no evidence that supplementing with formula is any worse, yet people put the immense amount of pressure on themselves to achieve 100% breastfeeding for a year or more, while working full time, pumping, etc. The most important thing is for babies to be fed, and secondly for parents to learn that everything can’t be, won’t be, doesn’t have to be 100% according to the “rules”
1
@Anna Steffens, I 100% attribute my struggles with PPD and PPA to the social pressure to breastfeed. After a traumatic birth experience where I lost a lot of blood, my milk was delayed coming in and although he latched fine in the hospital, my son lost 10% of his birth weight by day 3 and I had to supplement with formula (or send him back to the hospital). I spent over $700 and nearly 3 months on lactation specialists, various pumps, lactation cookies, supplements - all while sacrificing precious sleep and time when I could have actually bonded with my son but was instead chained to a pump manically trying to increase my supply - because God forbid I would give him formula or pull out a bottle at a mommy and me playdate. The "breastfeed at all costs" movement, especially among middle to upper-middle class white women, puts so much pressure on new moms and is absolutely a contributor to the intensive parenting movement. When the message to new mothers is "sacrifice your sleep, mental health, and own well being because breast is best," it sets a lot of women up for feeling like they failed at their first, most important task of motherhood - a recipe for the kind of anxious parenting described in the article and in many of these comments.
2
I hate what our country has become. It feels like we are on the brink of collapsing into a feudal society as the wealth, resources and opportunities are grotesquely being hoarded by the 1%. I lay the blame exactly at the feet of the last 3 of 4 Republican and Clinton administrations. Their backdoor handshake deals with the Wall Street and large corporations is driving us right off the cliff.
As an older parent with a son nearing high school graduation, I know the importance of him getting through college and solidly on his own two feet is critical as my husband and I will be near the end of our prime income earning years as he finishes college. But pressure doesn't end with us as parents, it's no longer good enough to get good grades and do well on the SAT. Teens today have to all star athletes, 5.0 grade average, take every AP class possible, do serious charity work, etc. And as parents we have to combat the message they are hearing loud and clear daily; if they aren't some sort of super star, they are nothing.
It's insanity but for the majority of us, there will be no help, no relief, and for most, no hope.
19
Amer. Academy of Pediatrics is full of dog doo-doo. Your children must learn to. be independent and self-sufficient. They don't mature this way with hovering parents. My sons were raised in the 60s and 70s. Three highly successful men. No one gets that way by being smothered. No one!!!
12
I'm a big fan of doing my best of giving my kids the gift of struggle. I encourage them to take risks and make mistakes. Make 'em early, make 'em often, but for pete's sake-make them different.
17
@Wendy I agree. My kids are mostly gone now, but when they screwed up in school our attitude was better now then later. Time to learn a life lesson!
4
As a 21 year old while woman in college, I always feel disheartened after reading articles like this one. In ten years, what have I to look forward to? Pop culture says I have two choices: either forgo parenting (much to the protests of my dad, even now) and grow old with regret, or be a working parent, constantly exhausted, with the lion’s share of the child rearing work, surrounded by helicopter parents and wondering if my daily efforts are good enough ...
It seems like there are no good options for women of my generation.
24
I would say though that NOT having children does not automatically lead to regret. Sure if having children is a top goal in your life but there are also plenty of women without children who do fine and are happy. Don't let the dominant narrative dictate your life.
9
@Julia Charlotte Parenting is a complex endeavor these days but it is still a joyful one. Every generation has its struggles, and things may be particularly tough now. But we are not worried about children being drafted to war, so I try to keep things in perspective. Raising children is an exercise in optimism. There is a lot of venting on this thread, including from me. But if I could change anything, I'd have had more children, not fewer. If you want kids then when the time is right, just take a deep breath, jump right in, and enjoy the ride. And if you don't want kids? You will find plenty of fulfilling things in life. Our childfree friends are happy with their choice, as we are happy with ours.
8
@Julia Charlotte
I don't think you would regret it. The angst is endless in EVERY generation, and every generation says both that parenting is so much harder and the kids are so much (fill in the blank … always worse in some way) than ever before.
Most of it is nonsense. Speaking as a parent whose children came out absolutely NOTHING like I expected, and who hit some major bumps along the way, I would never trade a minute of it, and my children are a joy. Most worthwhile thing I ever did, by far.
7
Fear drives many parents to overdo parenting, offering options so their kids excel!
We raised four ....adults....no one is raising “children.” We gave our kids love, faith, discipline, taught them to be responsible and expected them to do their best. They are functional, college educated young adults doing their best.
Again, we are not raising children...we are raising .....adults! Big difference! Time someone realizes this fact!
6
“At any given moment, everything could just fall apart,” she said. Not really. Trust your kid do his homework and play. You can't coordinate their lives forever.
10
Homemade baby food and breastfeeding are "new trapping of intensive [white upper middle class] parenting and are comparable to pinterest perfect birthday parties and calling employers after their adult children interview for jobs? Really?
This piece sounds like it was sponsored by Nestle and Gerber. Disappointing in what was otherwise a relevant piece.
9
As an HR Director for a major corporation I was absolutely gobsmacked when I first had young college grad candidates, some w/advanced degrees, show up for job interviews with Mommy and Daddy in tow. Seriously.
This started at least 10 years ago. Clearly, I had to be "the adult-in-the-room" and explain politely but bluntly that the interview process was not a "family" activity: Go home and Grow Up!
This article, and many of the comments, just makes me want to gag. Weren't "participation awards"bad enough? Apparently not.
Ever gullible U.S. parents are actively engaged in crippling their children's development into independent, mature, responsible adults. I see it every day.
And here's a warning: Having worked in many countries, often with local young people, the contrast is stark. With few exceptions, American youth lack the passion and drive to learn and excel. In other words, to be successful (however you define that) On their own. As adults.
27
@Citizen X I work for an insurance company (home, auto, life) and it still shocks me when a 30 year old has his/her mom or dad pay their bill, get a quote, ask coverage questions or try to make changes to the policy. What is this alleged "adult" going to do when the parents are gone? The parents get a major attitude when I tell that Little Johnny is an adult and needs to handle his own business. Have mercy!
3
@Citizen X
You should seriously just tell anyone who shows up for a job interview with a parent in tow that they're disqualified, and explain why. Refuse to interview them - just tell them there's no chance you'd hire someone who brought their parent to a job interview, so you won't waste their time or your own. That's just ridiculous.
With one of my son's first jobs - he was still in high school - I inquired of his boss how he was doing, when he'd been there a couple of weeks. But this happened because his boss also happened to live next door to us - which is how he got the job - and we talked over the hedge or in the driveway sometimes. Somewhat against my better judgment, I asked casually if it was going all right. (It was.) But I made it clear I was just interested in knowing. I didn't attempt to advocate for him, and I would never have deliberately contacted his boss on his behalf or for any reason.
4
@DDL
I wouldn't get too judgmental about this stuff. Try getting a lease on an apartment in NYC with no guaranteer unless you're making way above average income as a young person. School, housing, insurance etc. are all way more expensive than they used to be. Of course parents who can help their kids with this stuff.
3
New mom here! Seeing some criticism of parents taking their infants to classes as if we are trying to fill some selfish need. My 6 month old son loves music, so we take him to a neighborhood music class. We have done baby sign language, which has been a nice way for us to bond as a family and meet other parents. It can be very isolating for new moms and classes are a great way to connect with others. Not expecting my kid to go to Harvard because he likes banging a drum.
13
@Rachel
This is a huge backlash going on, some of it justified - there ARE a lot of overstructured, stressed out kids and anxious, status-obsessed parents - but just be aware in a backlash all kinds of angry people voice over-the-top opinions. Some people want to romanticize the days when children were seen and not heard, and want us going to the opposite extreme, letting kids completely fend for themselves or paying no attention to what they might be up to for hours a day. (Because they "turned out all right"; the baby boom generation were all perfectly stable, healthy people - eyeroll ...)
Don't be swayed by extreme opinions, do what you feel is right, as long as it seems to be making everyone happy and you don't see ill effects on either your own happiness or your kid's. Music classes are a good thing. Some people are just in a fit.
10
"'...why don’t we have a safe place for all kids to go when they’re done with school before parents get home from work?'"
We do. It's called the public library.
11
@Amy Most libraries will not let children in unattended. As for safe, not so much. Lots of homeless watching porn on the computers for example. Also drug addicts use the bathrooms to get their fix. Have a sister-in-law that manages a city library annex in an ok part of a northern city. The stories she tells would curl your hair. I don't see why kids can't be latch-key kids like we were. You went home, did homework, practiced piano, cleaned up a bit or helped get dinner ready and then read a book!
6
So “parenting” turns out to be mothering after all. I suppose the name change is so fathers will feel like they are doing more mothering than they actually do. Instead, it winds up giving them no role at all, linguistically. Maybe that’s part of the problem?
8
"Don't let your children (x) until you see our report"
"Could (x) be harming your children?"
"What to do if (x) happens to your kids"
"How should you protect your kids from (x)?
Sound familiar? If you have your TV on for even an hour or two per day, anywhere in America, you've been consistently bombarded by these news teasers, and it's been going on for decades. Parent's fears have been stoked by news departments as a way to get them to watch, because fear sells. It's all marketing, done in the name of profits, and it's incredibly irresponsible. It has damaged societal trust and our ability to let our kids out of our sight without being gripped by tremendous anxiety.
People are convinced that the world is a more dangerous place for kids because "You hear about it all the time." A child disappearance used to be a local news story, so you would rarely hear about them. Now it's a national headliner, so anytime it happens everyone in the country knows about it and they believe it happens more frequently than it did before. Because "You never used to hear about this stuff."
And we wonder why parents are paranoid? It's time for people to call out this irresponsible "journalism" and for news agencies to stop creating fear as a way to create profits.
8
I can totally relate to the cases shared however I feel alienated when study specifically referenced white middle class. I’m a first generation immigrant middle class single mom and I’m sure if the study was more inclusive in terms of ethnic groups of the same socio economic background, the findings will hold true.
4
So many of these comments contain the phrase "...and went to an Ivy League school."
Can we *please* stop using that as the only measure of success? *That* is what is causing all this stress and anxiety in the first place.
It may come as a shock, but Americans can (and do!) lead happy, fulfilled lives without having an Ivy diploma.
23
@Woman - bingo. I went to an average Midwest state school and graduated with average grades. I’ve worked for Fourtune 50 and small family owned companies, living in 5 different states and had both wonderful and somewhat painful experiences. It’s called living life, I’m doing just fine.
8
@Midwest Josh--and you know some good Simon & Garfunkel songs.
Northeast state school here. I've worked in the private sector, changed careers, have a secure and well-paying job in the public sector now, and am able to support my child and keep paying my mortgage even after my husband died. We don't have a mansion, but we live a comfortable and secure life. My child attends a good public school with caring teachers, I have smart and loving friends and family, many of whom I met at that non-Ivy school.
The only thing I would change is losing my husband.
2
My late husband and I always said our objective in having children was for them to be "good people." Now in their 30s, our sons are college graduates, employed, in loving relationships and involved in their communities. They are not on any CEO track, they don't have fancy houses, their bank accounts are not impressive. Recently an old family friend had dinner with one of my sons and this friend later called me just to say "I want you to know you raised a really good person." He was quite effusive and went on in this vein for a while about the wide range of subjects they discussed, my son's well-considered insights and his empathy. I just glowed. Apparently, somehow, our hopes and dreams for our children have come true, so my advice to stressed-out parents would be to back off, relax and focus on raising "good people," god knows we could use a few more of them.
33
@Jennene Colky-well said!
Our sons grew up in the 90s/early 2000s and I think we avoided the over-parenting trap partly as a result of good luck and what even then may have been a changing attitude toward children -- we loved, supported and disciplined our sons, but never believed they were supposed to be the center of our lives at every moment of the day or that parenting was a competition. But I'll also say, the kids were the other variable. Thanks to their inheritance of (apparently) every cussedly independent Scots-Irish gene in the family, there was no possibility either was going to react to parental pressure to perform with anything other than mulishness. (When we first raised the issue of college applications with our oldest, he informed us that he was taking care of it. We wrote the checks for the application fees.) I sometimes marveled at the willingness of other kids to allow their parents a much heavier hand in their lives -- and may have briefly envied those parents from time to time. But in the end, our sons are smart, kind, independent, hard-working, well-balanced young men. I don't have any magic, but I think it is important to focus more WHO your child is and helping them become their best self rather than focusing on WHAT your child will become. The what will take care of itself.
10
No, feminists signed up for a world in which fathers play an equal role in child-rearing and domestic duties. That world is yet to exist; prospects for it to materialize are bleak. Does this author paint an accurate picture of "mothering," thereby advocating by implication more intensive "fathering"--the parallel term does not work, here, ironically. Does she advocate by implication that society should play a larger role? The answer to that is yes. So, I still wonder, as I did when I became a feminist when I was 15 in the bad old 1970s, how fathers get to skate? This author interviews not one father; indeed, she equates "intensive parenting," effectively, to "intensive mothering." Where have all the fathers gone, long time passing? Only when fathers and mothers, along with society, "parent" in equal measure, will mothers and their children feel less stress in a very difficult world.
11
The intensive parenting method seems to have produced the unintended and unanticipated consequences of delayed adulthood. Anyone who teaches the generation molded by this approach to parenting finds that the experience challenging. Students may be “smarter” —perhaps. However young people on the cusp of adulthood are not better prepared for independent decision-making or coping with failure that are part and parcel of life’s journey.
14
Parenting is a reflection of the competitive landscape that parents face to provide housing, healthcare, education and retirement. This compounds with a more global economy, plus the addition of immigrants from countries that already faced though competition in their countries (note I'm not against immigration, as I'm one myself).
In the end parents want the best for their kids, and that prioritizes the basics I mentioned above. So we rather over-prepare (and give them as many opportunities as possible).
1
I grew up in Pakistan and am now attending college in the US and I guess I ‘turned out okay’. I attribute my ‘success’ so far to key lessons I was taught by my parents and key things we all picked up along the way and some randomness as well, I guess. For e.g my father (from his experiences of traveling to the US) early on recognized that learning to speak english at an early age was important so he spoke english with me and my sister early on which lead us to develop fluency early on and have an edge over other kids of our age. That still helps me to this day. My parents were both working class and I got a good education, attending an english medium school, which was also a game changer. We were definitely privileged as Pakistanis living in the capital city of Islamabad, so the environment definitely helped as well. Generally, my parents were ‘there for me’ but mostly they weren’t always watching every action of mine and planning everything I did, but just did what they could and that turned out to work well enough.
9
“It distracts from the real questions, like why don’t we have a safe place for all kids to go when they’re done with school before parents get home from work?”
The incompatibility between school schedules and work schedules exposes the fundamental problem of allowing the market to determine every aspect of our lives—including how families operate. Right now the solutions are, sadly, also market-driven: hire someone to fill in for you until you get home.
I don’t know what the ultimate “price” will be for this, but I’m pretty sure there is going to be one.
I blame government failure.
22
@Robin
Why arent people using older Americans to fill that gap.
I would not always blame the government. When I as a retired person, babysat a child in the family, i was watched by nannycam in the house. Not only did that put me on edge, but I was critiqued if i let the child cry or just sat around doing my handcraft hobbies and let the kids play. Why should a working mom/dad pay or even not pay and just have a woman sit around and just do her stuff? She should be constantly giving 100% attention to the child. And lets face it, child caregivers ir babysitters are overwhelmingly female. There is such angst to even let a younger male do that job.
From work now people watch people watching their kids. Sure they are not glued to the camera, but if they hear a whimper, they check whats happening in the nest.
I dont blame anyone. I just think that if you have a kid, you are attached to it physically. You want to be near it. If you are away, you trick your mind into beng near with a camera.
The otherside is that you want your space, too, which is why in the past, a parent said “get out and play”. This is also why on the weekend or afterwork, my toddlers at least, tended to huddle around the father and do stuff with him. During the day they had me. Sure I had boys some might say. Had it been otherwise, i would have probably just had girls that would have been natural mathematicians, too. And they would be working on the mathematical proximity problem fiercely
We are seeing the consequences of a totally unnatural way of raising children, which has destroyed the circle of life. Parents have rarely been responsible for raising their offspring, because they were too busy providing for the group that cared for their children. Because people lived in groups; tribes, clans, extended families, which were spread out over three or more generations. Blood relations were often not required, as lifetime friends became part of the family.
Elder people were very important in those societies, with one of their most important roles being the overseers of the care of the children. Working with the older children as their hands, the elders provided the physical care and the emotional attention that is so essential for the developing personality of a toddler. Elders had unlimited time to spend with children, and so were able to respond to the young when the young needed affirmation. Listening patiently while a 3 year old explains something is tremendously important, yet few people will give a child that time.
Parents today are in an impossible situation, where they are expected to provide vast amounts of attention to the young, while dealing with the demands of keeping everyone fed, and learning how to be an adult themselves. I have tremendous respect for the few parents I know who have raised children well. Our society has overwhelmed so many, leaving broken lives and horrible pain.
33
Unfortunately we have to do this in a competitive world. If a kid with involved parents can outcompete a kid whose parents let be (how many of these kids will have the self motivation and maturity to perform as well as a helped child?), then we have to continue to give our children a leg up.
I don’t see how this is a new thing, as all the data here is anecdotal. When I read 19th century fiction, I see the same thing with parents giving children this advantage, if only through governesses and tutors.
8
@Jay I don't think this is about parents who are involved versus parents who entirely back away. It is really about how much involvement is healthy for both parents and children. Why would the "helped" child develop self-motivation, maturity and independence when they never needed it? And what do you mean by "perform well"? Parental pushing, directing and "helping" may produce higher GPAs and SATs. Those in turn might mean admission to a more selective college. Then what? It isn't clear that kids who have been protected, directed, and hovered over until the day they graduate from Stanford "perform" any better as adults than their more independent, self-directed counterparts who graduate from top public universities or the next tier of private colleges.
6
Thank god (I don’t believe) my parents were substandard and were not able or willing to account for every second of every day of my childhood. Nowadays my parents would be cited for child neglect. Fortunately, during my childhood, all the other parents in my community would have also been cited for child neglect as well. There wouldn’t have been enough jails to lock up all the bad parents in America.
The only idea modern parents are teaching their children is fear and they are doing a great job of it. The young adults at the university where I teach are terrified of the world around them. If they don’t follow the path plotted for them by their parents and society, they will surely fall off the edge of the flat Earth. Unfortunately, the Earth they live on is a sphere. Even worse, we live in a universe of space/time governed by Reimmian Geometry, not Euclidean Geometry. They don’t stand a chance because they are paralyzed by fear.
16
Absolutely FANTASTICAL levels of romanticizing the past in many of these posts.
31
I am the oldest of four children.
That explains a lot!
Graduated from college four times.
Typical oldest child.
I was the responsible one, the fixer,
mother's helper.
Variables matter.
3
The book- Last Child in The Woods - is worth a read- on a beautiful, sunny day a researcher asks a child why he is inside- Child’s response- “All the plugs are in the house!”
And it’s not only parents who are responsible for all this planning, supervision and hovering - grandparents are relied on too! And if they say no, many are fearful of the consequences.
5
It’s funny to me to see “breast feeding exclusively” on the list with the often expensive, over-the-top indulgences that parents now lavish on their children. It’s free, and one of the healthiest, smartest choices a parent can make for their child and for themselves. That’s the trend I hope will catch on and stay around- for the benefit of all children everywhere.
19
@Rita Koplin To be clear, it's only "free" if you don't work outside the home and don't need to pump breastmilk. For many women who work in those situations, there is not only the cost of the supplies, but of the often unpaid break time that needs to be taken to do it, that is, if you have an employer who will even give you the option to do it. I say this as someone who did breastfeed and pump exclusively myself for both of my children for a year each, and was lucky enough to have employers who were supportive- but I recognize my privilege in that.
13
@Rita Koplin
Breastfeeding is only "free" if you assume that women's time, presence, and physical self (nutrition, health) are of no value.
10
There is a lot of economic anxiety, and parents are passing that on to their kids, but that won't make good jobs magically appear. There will be winners, and there will be losers. It's like Baby Boomers who saw their college educated peers working better jobs, making more money, so they pushed their Millenial children to go to college. But getting more students into college didn't produce more jobs for them upon graduation, so there's a lot of college educated people out there working jobs that don't require a college degree. Was it worth it? Today's kids have even more pressure on them, not just to get into college, but to get into a great college, and have every second of their time stacked with structured lessons and activities, with no time to be a kid. There's teenagers suffering from health problems that they shouldn't see until middle age at the earliest, like hyper tension and heart disease. Anxiety disorders and depression are through the roof. So yes, we all want our kids to succeed, but at what price? And is there really a one-size-fits-all parenting model? Not everyone can be a doctor or a lawyer. Parenting should take each child's unique personality into account. Work with a child's strengths and weaknesses instead of forcing them into a role they weren't meant to excel in.
9
Society is not inflicting any of these stresses on the parents; they are self-inflicted. I have four children, whom I raised in a very high-income, high-expectation area (northern Virginia suburb). My kids recognized the outside influences pushing them to take AP classes, engage in multiple activities, strive towards the "right" colleges. But they got the strong message at home, from their single parent mom, that the only expectation was for them to be good people, respect others and treat them as they would want to be treated, and be self-sufficient in proportion to their age and abilities. There was definitely pressure on them and on me to do MORE, but we followed the path that we were comfortable with and that allowed us to relax and enjoy life while still meeting basic expectations. None of them excelled in school or took AP classes or had tutors or hired coaches. All are now in their 20s, are mentally and emotionally healthy, and have jobs - including my 25-year-old with autism and intellectual disabilities. Are they rich? No. Are they super successful?
No. Do they need to be? No. They have friends, family, jobs. Again, they were raised in a very high-achieving, high-pressure area, but we made our own choices.
29
@Siobhan. sounds like your raised successful adults, after all! Bravo!
Annette Lareau's work was not about "intensive parenting." It was about what active, mind-centered parenting does (versus passive, "natural growth" parenting).
Genuine child-centeredness is not about helicopter parenting, just as student-centered teaching isn't about instruction (rather about facilitating ownership in capability development).
The backlash over helicopter parenting ("intensive," whatever) is missing the point of Lareau's work. I recommend closer attention to what balanced parenting looks like, which Lareau studied in the home of successful children.
9
The odds of your child getting into an Ivy League school are pretty miniscule, just sayin’, so let’s just accept that fact, breath a collective sigh of relief, and skip the soccer two states over. The plethora of over-scheduled activities are less likely to help your kid get into a college and more likely to give them anxiety and premature repetition motion injuries. We are a nation on parenting steroids.
The two most important things in the higher education trajectory are fit and transition. Find environments where your child can thrive and make a good transition, where they can learn to manage their time and schedule, their relationships, their risk taking behavior and expectations. They must advocate for themselves, without you or the emotional support golden retriever.
These skills, likely more predictive of life success than the foliage on the brick buildings, are formed over a lifetime. Help them prepare not by hovering or over-scheduling them, or hounding them for a “passion.” Make your oversight and involvement age and kid appropriate.
Do let them be bored, uncomfortable in social settings, be forced to shake a hand and have eye contact. Do let them fail and help them self advocate.
Do shut down screens on occasion and make them communicate in person. Many kids are lonely today. Facilitate opportunities that provide communities without an achievement focus.
Don’t be their best friend but love them unconditionally and out loud.
37
There's an elephant in the room at the root of much of this, and that is parental ego. I know it from my own experiences as a highly involved parent, although I never pushed my child academically. I simply wanted her to flourish, and be great, and I did everything I could to support that. But the mental health challenges she faced in her teens took us on a different path. At a business dinner about a year ago, as the talk around the table inevitably turned to subtle bragging about offsprings' status and accomplishments (the faux complaining about having a hard time keeping track of so-and-so's many friends, the exasperation at the demands of a kid's high ranking athletic team, the difficult choice between two prestigious internships), I told the truth. It was a nice enough group of people. I told them my child suffered from bullying and severe depression that started in middle school, and she had to be hospitalized several times during her teens. She self-medicated with drugs. I thought we would lose her. She got pregnant at 17. But at 21, she's happily married to a wonderful young man, and the mother of two children. She is alive and happy, finding her way against all odds, and against every single thing that society finds praiseworthy in a young person today. It's not a mainstream path, but it's right for her, and I, whose own teen years were shaped by a fierce 70s feminism, did not see or influence any of it.
45
Gosh, parenting sure has changed a ton since I was a kid in the 1960s & 70s! My parents were far from perfect in their parenting skills. We grew up in modest middle-class home in suburban NJ. My dad made a decent living as an engineer that allowed my mom to stay at home during our formative years. The folks on the wealthier side of town made maybe tens of thousands more than my dad but not hundred thousands, millions or billions more. Everyone on our street knew each other and all of us neighborhood kids played outside when we weren't in school without any adult supervision for hours on end. I walked to and from school everyday by myself and no one feared for my safety. The funny things is, those times were not necessarily safer. Maybe there was less fear or we were blissfully ignorant? I don't know. In my point of view, modern parenting seems exhausting, complicated and expensive. Parents are expected to constantly watch, supervise, entertain their kids and many of their activities are scheduled. Forget free range play alone outside or anywhere for that matter! The introduction of modern technology like laptops, cell phones, social media, etc presents modern parents with other dilemmas that my parents didn't even need to consider. I have total respect for people that are willing to take all of that on to raise a family. I was not interested in doing it and delighted I didn't!
16
Maybe we should all just put down our phones with their meditation and kids lullaby apps and just sit outside quietly. That’s what my grandparents and their neighbors did in the evening anytime the weather was nice. They has some quiet time and the whole neighborhood was lined with people who didn’t “parent” but looked out if any real trouble started. It’s probably why I walked for blocks out of sight by the time I was 7 but am nervous about my 9 year old playing in the front yard alone.
4
To those that say “this is why I never had kids” or stop overpopulating the world - with a touch of judgment or superiority....
Just remember, one day, when you’re not quite so invincible, someone’s child will be giving you life saving treatment or pushing your wheelchair or cleaning your bed pan. And you’ll be grateful they were born.
26
Ummm...fathers count much?
9
These aren't helicopter parents.
They're what I call aircraft carrier parents.
Their children are going to grow up to be messes without confidence or the ability to be alone both in the world but, most importantly, in their own heads, doing their own thinking.
Dreadful and a dreadfully stupid way to raise children because Peter Pan notwithstanding, children do have to grow up and cope.
10
calling your child's employer is not an individualist, bootstrap mentality. If you call me about your child, I am hanging up on you.
20
A father once bought his daughter for her job interview. I assumed maybe her car broke down or something. But no, dad wanted to sit in on interview. Of course I insisted he wait in the lobby. And when I didn’t hire her, father called me up... I told him exactly how he had ruined her chances of being hired by me or anyone else... was he planning on coming to work with her too? You just cannot make this stuff up!
32
I don't know how marriages survive this.
19
@December: Many do not.
4
Standards for good mothering have been raised so ridiculously high you might as well commit to joining a Buddhist monastery.
13
Highly recommend the writer pick up Amy Westervelt's new book Forget "Having It All" -- it really lays out the historical, sociological and economic roots of this "relentlessness."
3
Reading to your child from a very early age is one of the best things that parents can do. It teaches vocabulary which helps with learning to read. Books and other materials and programs for children are available at public libraries for free.
See Becoming by Michelle Obama for the ways in which her parents were involved in the upbringing of Michelle and her brother. Her family was not well to do.
10
I have two boys, six and three years old. Just this morning I was mailing packages at the UPS store and my boys were playing and yelling. I sternly warned them to knock it off b/c no one could hear. I was trying to speak to the cashier and get out of there as quickly as possible. A line was forming behind me. I’m sure my kids looked like brats and myself an ineffective, clueless parent.
On the advice of pediatricians, we do not spank our kids. We talk to them, use time-outs, and take away privileges. NONE of this helps them behave at the UPS store in the moment. I could give them an iPad and they’d be quiet, but of course I’d be judged for that. I could offer bribes, but they need to learn to act right without external motivators.
They are a work in progress. Society has ZERO patience for this. I don’t blame them, loud kids are annoying. But if the best punishments I’m allowed to deploy are marginally effective at best, this is what you’re going to get. So either A) put up w my loud, obnoxious kids trusting their evolution into civilized humans *will* happen eventually or 2) don’t call DCFS when I spank them for being loud and obnoxious. Seems neither choice is socially acceptable.
25
Look for training classes for "THE EYE OF DEATH". It probably hasn't been taught since the 1950's, but it sure worked on me and my siblings.
15
I don't know about this book but my father used to say to me if we went out somewhere "Don't let me have to look at you" I guess he had the eye of death 60 years ago.
2
@wbj My parents could teach a master class on the eye of death. It worked on me and my brother during the 70's, 80's, 90's and still does.
1
Thank goodness I had my children before the Women’s Rights Movement in the 70’s. We stayed home with our children and raised them. We didn’t have all the fears of today. We encouraged our children to play by themselves or with nearby neighbor kids. They could roam around the neiighborhood by the time they were 4. When I needed to sew or do a chore that didn’t include my two who were born 14 months apart, I’d put them into a playpen where they might have a couple of toys and they’d play while I accomplished tasks without interruption. Getting supper involved a healthy dosage of “Sesame Street”! Did we play? Did they learn? They didn’t learn Spanish and swimming before they could barely talk, but they learned how to measure ingredients, to pick up their toys every night and yes, one read at 3 1/2. MOST important of all, they learned to obey and respect others. Presents were few and far between, not homes stuffed full of toys they don’t have time to play with. Yes, it’s was a life with a carefree attitude and a faith in people. Thank God.
13
@Betty: I don't see what this has to do with women's rights. Women are still 'free' to stay home with their kids if they prefer (and can afford it), but we're not *obligated* to do so. Not everyone is cut out to be a stay at home mom.
I've probably left this comment before, and I'm 70--but when I was a kid, my Dad bought a house w/the GI Bill of Rights. There was probably redlining (we were Jews) but other people in the neighborhood were Italians, Irish, and Catholic. Our street was the first new one built in an established neighborhood with beautiful oak trees.
Me and my pre-school boyfriend would go out to play in the woods across the street. Only rules were: avoid poison ivy, be home by dark.
We made up our own games: "I claim this creek for the Queen of England!" "I claim this hill for the King of France!"
We had a wonderful time, and I can still remember his face, all these years later.
13
We have a lot of mentally ill people struggling to cope with fairly straightforward life decisions who were brought up in the 'good-old days' of aloof, disengaged, laissez-faire parenting.
Keep in mind that in the years following the war, before reliable birth control became broadly accepted, many parents were still viewing babies as life's unavoidable complication (for most people). The war was over: be grateful to be alive, eat those peas and hush up when told.
Parents were just as busy (as I recall from my own childhood) because they had more housework & fewer tools to do it with; more difficult routines for getting around (unless living in NY or some other big city with good transport infrastructure); more barriers to career upgrades. Just typing up a job application in the old days, on a non-correcting clunker, was a daunting chore for those with small budgets & limited skills.
Remember waiting in line at the post office? Taking the bus to shop for clothes? Checking out books at the library? It's no longer compulsory. Few people will allocate 10 hours out of a month to complete those simple, necessary tasks that today a sequence of clicks can accomplish in 10 minutes. Before, we had no alternative.
Devices & services that have made life more efficient have also freed parents to pay closer attention to what their kids are experiencing -- if they so choose. The horrors of crime statistics, terror attacks, school shootings make parents much more vigilant today. Good!
7
I have seen the children of parents anxious to be at their beck and call and to provide them with every possible opportunity and advantage. Are the kids carefree, confident and happy? Not that I generally observe. I wonder what parenting style they will choose when their time to be parents comes? But, on the other hand, I have seen parents and caregivers so busy on their mobile phones they are ignoring the baby in the stroller or toddler in the play park. And what is this message and it’s effect? What is wrong with common sense and balance in the art of child rearing?
9
My parents grew up in lower-middle class families with largely inattentive, unengaged mothers and fathers. They, to put it delicately, overcompensated in raising my sister and me. To their credit, I never went a day without hearing “I love you,” and always had at least one parent present for every basketball game, ballet recital, or drama production. But I didn’t truly “grow up” until about the age of 26. I struggled with finances, college and graduate school assignments (after sailing through high school with A’s and B ’s and little effort), standing up for myself, and accepting responsibility. I firmly believe that my constant “over-monitoring” and lack of ability to learn from my own mistakes put me at a disadvantage as an adult. Facing motherhood, I’m resolved to keep seeing my friends, cultivate my own life, and prepare my children to become independent adults. They will know that while they may be the most important things in the world to their father and me, the world doesn’t revolve around them and owes them nothing. It was a hard lesson to learn for me—one that I learned on my own and much too late in life.
22
@Sara M.
In the framework of a brief comment, it is impossible to delve into what is meant by "grow up." Twenty-six is not such an advanced age; every human being has her or his own set of competencies that they are advanced at, and others that they are lagging at behind most coevals. The list of competencies we define as markers of adulthood has plenty of conformist nonsense in it. Driving a car is important for some families; in fact, it is no longer as essential as computer literacy. Others value sexual experiences as markers of adulthood -- but, on the other hand, those young people who successfully channel their energy into work, not dating, come out financially more secure & more independent.
Dating apps themselves have completely rewritten the choreography of modern sexual activity. Romance? Dead.
You should not overlook the role played by DNA in contributing to your life's journey, or anyone else's. No 2 humans have exactly the same DNA mix. You may have a valid plan for how you will parent, yet be handed a completely different situation when the actual offspring finally appears & that unique personality begins to unfold, asserting her/his own preferences, needs & disagreements with your reasoning.
Parenting is never easy, straightforward or predictable. It is always exhausting, expensive & often demoralizing. You may imagine you will "cultivate your own life." You are not unique in that fond hope!
Write back in 10 years and let us know how it all turned out.
60
@Sara M. Thanks for writing. I've been hoping that people of your generation would weigh in.
This article has left me profoundly shaken. We practiced intensive parenting to compensate for perceived shortcomings in our childhoods, and because we really thought we were making independent choices to be the best possible parents we could. Now I see that we were swept up in a societal trend, which we perpetuated. I wish we had seen the forest through the trees.
This fall, our 24 y/o daughter expressed a newfound desire to live her own life without being overparented. It crushed us. Thanks to this discussion, I now want nothing more than for her to be captain of her own ship. It's time for us to fade back as she calls the shots.
7
Forty years ago in the so called good old days, many women were miserable at home and desperately wanted to be liberated from the confines of the house and be free to work. So now that women are working, there are no eyes on the street - no one to make sure the kids are safe when they go out and play. We who grew up in the 1970s may have felt as if there were no adults hovering over us, but Mrs. Smith was out on her stoop and Mrs. Jones could hear us out her kitchen window as she prepared dinner. We were not really alone.
24
This article conflates a couple of things: the amount of parental involvement and the nature of it. I am more involved with my kids than my mom was. I don't trust that things will just turn out okay for them (as my mom seemed to). Their coming of age may well be marked by economic chaos (as mine was by the Great Recession) and all types of climate-related social change. Their generation will face unprecedented challenges. Raising resilient, emotionally intelligent people of culture and character in 2018 America requires a lot of thought, love, attention, and activism. But the hovering and advantaging described in this article seems to have little to do with the child's actual needs and more to do with parental anxiety.
24
It's only natural we feel anxious for our children's lives — though it's probably always been this way.
The American Dream was a passing experience, the result of unique conditions that were bound to end. In 2018, we can see that the world is relentlessly crowded, environments are notably degraded, and economic systems are corrosive, achieving awesome "corporate" efficiency while diminishing our human experience. I doubt that even the richest "winners" in this society sleep well at night.
11
@TrustAndVerify
I must disagree. The world is not relentlessly crowded. The vast majority of it is still undeveloped wilderness. Only certain countries are overcrowded. And the American Dream is still alive and well. The economy is booming and unemployment is at record lows. There's just a lot of inequality and inefficiency. A Democratic President combined with a Democratic Congress would fix that in a jiffy, reducing inequality and investing in needed infrastructure, and our country would be in great shape.
1
More like keeping up with others, after all some extra activities are not all that worth while in the market. Piano lessons for example. Now I think that for middle class parents they take their responsibilities more seriously since you can be replaced by automation if you don't have a good skill.
Very true. Though to some extent I grew up in 80s in Calcutta under a kind of helicopter parenting but still was free to roam around the neighborhood and did things which were prohibited. I had forced music and dance lessons and had no passion for anything. I want to grew up to be a bus conductor so that can have as much bus tickets as possible and then a teacher so that I can wear all the saris my mother had.
My long and lonely summer breaks had many fond memories of reading adult books, day dreaming about a distant land and playing in the construction sites with my only friend (another lonely boy of my neighbors) and get lost in the rice fields while following the cranes or some unknown birds. I faced dangerous people and odd situations but survived and learned how to live the way I want to. Made me independent and confident with the instinct to never accept defeat without a fight.
Now I struggle a lot to find a balance to raise my son where he can be free and also get busy with activities so not playing video games. The main hindrance is the lack of community support where he can spend time with another child playing outside in nature without any adult supervision. I allow him to do things he enjoys but I am worried that the time he spends with two adults at home may be causing some personality issues and I wish he had more children of his age to roam around and play unsupervised games outside.
20
I made a decision when I was 14 that I would never be a parent. I kept that vow, and even met a like-minded woman who is my spouse. We used to get strange looks when we told people that we are Child-Free, not so much anymore
While we do a lot of volunteer work with organizations that work with children our role is strictly administrative and we see the stressed out parents and we wonder how they do it.
Yes, the system is wealthiest Americans and there are barriers all over the place for those upstarts who think they can claim a part of the American Dream.
I guess I was prescient 57 years ago.
12
I see no mention of the father of Renee Sentilles’ son. Unless the boy was a test tube baby, there was a man actively involved in his creation. Why is not his father involved in his complicated upbringing?
15
From the article: “Ms. Sentilles felt the lack of support when it became clear that Isaac had some challenges like anxiety and trouble sleeping. She and her ex-husband changed their work hours and coordinated tutors and therapists.”
4
The title of this article should have been The Relentlessness of Modern Mothering. The word "father" appears only once.
13
Ms. Sentilles should let her 12 year old son out of her sight, regularly. He should be a man already. All she is teaching him is that he is incapable on his own and, as the primary model in his life of what a woman should be, that his eventual wife or partner should be constantly stressed and bending over backwards on his behalf. Women do not need more men like that.
29
Not one word about the child's happiness. Ugh. Let your children be children for a while.
18
Waa, waa, waa, give up your unnecessarily expensive cars, home, vacations and for god's sake have one of you stay at home and tighten your belt for your children's sake, they might enjoy it. We did, we gave up hundreds of thousands of dollars in doing so and never regretted it, oddly enough our son appreciated it...how odd....yes, I know all can't but many, many...can.
10
My husband & I have three kids. 11, 17 & 19. We are all at my parents house right now, about to gather around the Christmas tree & boatload of open gifts. Being a parent is hard. Especially, when you find yourself going down needless rabbit holes. Are we perfect? Heck, no. Are we grateful? Indeed...
6
We need to have a national discussion on at least one issue that could radically change our children’s lives:
Start school at a normal hour (8:30 or 9am) for all children.
It has been proven that grades rise and anxiety decreases. Proven fix. Meanwhile, my district is freaking out over student suicides and drug use. Their solution? A 1x/year assembly to show the student body “we care”. Students roll their eyes.
27
Pieces like this one really annoy me. I have 3 kids, run my own tech company, and my wife works full time. My kids love activities and would be sitting on their butt watching tv or playing video games if they didn’t play soccer, tennis, swim, do debate and more. I WISH my parents had introduced me to these activities at an early age. It would have given me an opportunity to gain confidence and figure out which activities I truly loved. We had 3 kids and accepted that responsibility. Don’t tell me watching Gilligans Island and other shows for 2 hours a day is a better option. It wasn’t.
25
@PB
We weren't sitting around watching Gilligan's Island all day. We were outside playing. Among ourselves. Without our parents hovering or interfering or choosing our activities for us. Learning how to socialize and being creative about our play and making up our own rules for our play and learning to compromise with each other. All of those are important life lessons that serve us well as adults and are the basis of confidence. Those times also provided me with the childhood memories I cherish the most.
But keep patting yourself on the back.
36
@J.C.u must have grown up in the 60s or 70s.everyone i know was watching tons of tv in the early 80s
7
@PB
We watched TV at night. Days were for play, even if were playing inside in the winter.
6
Divorced and remarried Dad of multiple children in a "modern" family. I only have anecdotal experience. But man parenting is hard. Most people suck at it. Dads and Moms. People bring a lot of baggage. B/c parenting was hard for our moms and dads too. And they mostly sucked at it. At the same time it is not as hard as we make it out to be. The kids will mostly be ok. Just like we are mostly ok. Just have to remember the ultimate goal is to be a self sufficient person who can exist without help. You don't want them to be dependent on you. Doing almost everything for a child makes them dependent on you. We only learn by doing. Adult or child. They do as we do not as we say. Be the person you want your child to be. That has been lost somewhere. Oh. And love them up as much as possible!
15
We certainly fall into this category of parenting. Our saving grace was a drop in income when we had my child, my husband went back to school for a PhD and I took time off to be at home. My daughter has other issues of her generation but she knows how to be economical and responsible.
3
The economic worry does not abate after they leave the nest, because then it’s all up to them. As a university professor, I see parents try to save children who can’t buy their own printer ink to hand in an assignment on time. That’s helicoptering gone amuck. You may “parent” the same way for three different individuals and it is up to them how they use the tools you give them. And you do have to help them develop the independence necessary to make mistakes (that’s how we learn), the ability to see a problem and learn enough to solve it and the persistence required to weather all of the obstacles they will face.
It’s much harder for them then it was for us. We did all the right things raising my three millennial sons: instilled a love of books, did soccer, Little League, piano lessons, limited screen time. One’s working on a PhD and has two genetics patents, the oldest is a musician paying ever increasing rent by bartending and the youngest took the community college route into the University of California system and is still searching. Only one is financially stable and they all face the ravages of an uncertain future and the Damocles Sword of climate change that afflicts most thinking people of their generation. As one other commenter suggested, for many millennials and Generation Z, climbing the ladder, pulling up by bootstraps and jumping through hoops may not be among their life choices. Even it you made it possible. And it’s not a parent’s decision.
7
My parents had childhoods in the 20s, and both of them had family tragedies, deaths, and mental health problems in their own parents. They are also the product of two world wars, the Great Depression, polio, etc.They tried their best to be better parents in the 1950s and 1960s, but it must have been difficult.
Many many children experience domestic violence, food insecurity and disability, living with parents with addictions, or being raised by others. Others experience physical punishment, emotional neglect, bullying and cold parents.
Although I didn’t experience these, even so,
my experiences growing up with my parents affected my own parenting decisions (do the opposite). Parenting is always a difficult time as it brings back memories of your own childhood. Families with trauma in their own backgrounds will be struggling in their own ways. Helicopter parents may have felt unsafe or neglected in their own childhoods.
Parenting is affected through generations and is also a response to current conditions. Climate change and inequality will change parenting and childhood. Good luck to those who become parents. Let’s try to help each other.
22
I'm just coming off of 17 years of raising our daughter, so here are some nuggets of hard-won wisdom...
1) We now fervently wish we'd spent our scarce extracurricular dollars on academic tutoring to compensate for mediocre public schooling, not on extracurriculars.
If your kiddos go to a typical American high school, you're in for a nasty shock when they hit university. The game is rigged, people: nowadays, students won't make it past the gatekeeper classes in community college or university if they don't get elite preparation in math, essay-writing, test-taking strategies, and other foundation skills at the high school level.
Our daughter used to be an A student, but she crashed and burned when she hit the gatekeeper courses. She's had to give up on college now and will be going into a vocational program. I could just howl whenever I think about this.
2) Only do extracurriculars that make sense for your social class and finances.
Our daughter did figure skating for a few years, and we found out too late that this is a sport only for the wealthy. In addition to having to quit when the costs got too high, our daughter developed social anxiety from being low man on the totem pole of richie rich kids. We'd hoped she'd make friends, but that doesn't happen when your kid can't fit in.
32
@GraySkyGirl
Thanks a lot for sharing some uncomfortable lessons. Really wish your daughter finds her way..And don't blame yourself too much
17
I seriously don't get why people do this. When I have kids, I am doing the minimum to keep the child safe and happy, but otherwise they can play on their own and I will continue to do what I enjoy, as much as possible. I will go out in the evenings to see friends or shows and I'm leaving the kids with a sitter; no way are they coming along. And no way are they sleeping in their parents' bedroom for the first year! Not only will the parents get no sleep, but the kid will start to expect having the parents there, and will be scared to sleep alone. Total insanity. Kids are TOO sheltered and pampered, and that makes them ill-prepared to face the world, not to mention it kills their parents from stress. Let kids figure things out for themselves, let them scrape their knee or get teased or get cold and wet outside, and they will learn immensely from those experiences. Most importantly, let them be kids, give them some legos and leave them be, stop trying to make them geniuses, ballet stars or soccer champions as early as possible. And let parents have lives too. It seems so obvious.
11
HaHa. I actually like your ideas but you can't really predict how it will be and how you will feel when you have live children you are responsible for guiding into adulthood.
7
@Samuel Russell
This all sounds good. You may end up with a kid who isn’t pretty self contained..or one that loves to play with you ALL the time and loves to talk and it will never stop until the kid goes to bed. My best wishes to you!!
Oh how you find things out- even if you're around kids, and have thought things out! We live in a "nice" area (read competitive for kids, sports-wise, academic-wise and activity-wise), and its in CA so it's expensive- both parents usually have to work. Even if you don't want to/can't afford to overschedule your kids- guess what? Kids are not roaming the streets, going to each other's homes anymore- they are in activities- that's their peer group, that's how they spend their time. If you decide to "slow-roll" your kid, there are literally no other children around to hang with. Wealthy or not, parents will stretch to place there kids around other kids and socialize them. That was a huge shock to me- parents complain about the time crunches and the costs of things- but they still do them.
20
So true! I want to limit my 5th grader’s extracurriculars to leave time for boredom and play.
But where are all the other kids? Soccer or swim or dance or fencing or music or tutoring or underwater-basket-weaving lessons.
As a consequence the 5th grader (only child, enrolled in a public school) is alone a lot. LEGOs, books, little screen time.
Here’s hoping it turns out ok...
6
@Woman
Don't sacrifice your child for your parenting philosophy. Kids do need friends.
1
@Ellen
This is helpful to hear. My kid is nearly in kindergarten.. and we are starting to do things with some fiends from our church. I’m hopeful that this remains an outlet for us given sports and other fun classes only last for a set time. And then coordinating could be trickier. I’d love for her to have some meaningful friendships in our neighborhood, too.
1
I come from a lower income family, with an absent father... Mom took me to little league and POP Warner football... That was it until school sports.. taught my self guitar, she left my sister and Me home alone from 4th grade on, child care was expensive and she did not want the governments money. Free range parent ? IDK she was just a good mom and we all are far exceeding the previous social class ( though my Grandparents were much more affluent). My kids are not doing 10 sports and lessons and blah blah.. they are more like kids from the glory days I guess then the sorry excuse for kids now.
5
I go to work every day just so I won't become one of these crazy parents who monitors their kids every movement and lives vicariously through them. My kids will thank me for it in the future as they grow up into much saner adults.
8
Okay, but this article is all about WORKING parents who also practice intensive parenting.... so working isn’t automatically the solution.
4
I wonder if things wouldn't be like this if the government hadn't instituted laws basically requiring children to be attended to at all times.
1
Yes, of course it’s the government’s fault...
5
And nowhere does anyone consider that the real aim of raising a child is to produce a unique human being.
If these people now "parenting" have never considered that the little slots they are preparing to insert their progeny into might just not be there once they are grown, then they are not making human beings, ready to face the world, but little ciphers who will be helpless if anything changes.
6
British kids get sent off to boarding school, the parents hardly ever see them, and they do just fine.
1
@Lily Only about 7 percent of UK students attend “independent” schools, and even most of those are day schools. Boarding schools are the domain of the wealthy.
3
@Lily Interesting comment. I've met a fair number of British men who feel completely betrayed and emotionally crushed by their public boarding school experiences. According to them, the incessant bullying, rigid conformity and self-justifying hierarchy caused damage and heartache that they are only now, in their late middle-age, beginning to be able to unravel.
8
Parenting! Who invented this silly word “parenting”? As it is described in this article it is the result of parents with too much idle time. Parents didn’t do parenting when I was growing up in the 40s and 50s. No time for soccer games. Fathers were too busy earning a living. Mothers were busy tending house and taking care of the children. They were raising a family not parenting. Reading this article I am wondering how my generation survived much less prospered without parenting.
4
It’s not about parents with too much idle time. The whole point is that these parents are busy with work AND they feel the need to intensively parent their kids.
4
All I wanted in high school was to get my driver's license and be out of the house....and my parents were caring and not at all dysfunctional....it was the way things were in the 1950's and 1960's ( I graduated high school in 1965). When I read far too many of the comments, it seems all about economics....the cost for everything....is hugely higher now than it was then. And when one looks at the world of employment.... one is either making a good deal of money, or practically nothing, or certainly not enough to support oneself very well. America is paying a terrible price for the enormous income inequality we now have. Time to tax the rich!
11
How can it be possible that a mother who works outside the home spends as much time tending to her children as a stay-at-home mother, no matter the decade? This is a dubious claim. Following the link does not immediately clear up my doubts. The fact that this is floated right at the start of the piece undermines its credibility.
3
@Bootbie
That wasn't the claim. It isn't that you can compare the time spent with her children "no matter the decade." It's a specific claim that women now spend as much time tending to their children as they did in past decades when not nearly so many women worked outside the home.
What did you expect to find at the link? It appeared a reasonable source to me. Presumably you would have to purchase the report linked to get all the information contained in the report. The summary does offer that women spend less time on housework now (which I can certainly attest to LOL).
2
@DW Actually that is the claim: "Mothers who juggle jobs outside the home spend just as much time tending their children as stay-at-home mothers did in the 1970s." It is comparing working mothers now too stay-at-home mothers then.
I can't help but wonder how many of these "experts" are parents.
Absurd. Utterly absurd. Live your own lives, not your children's. I hesitate to imagine these impaired human beings when they first discover that the world doesn't revolve around them. It's going to be uber-Trump, all the time.
10
You don’t have to raise your kids this way for them to become successful adults. You can’t raise your kids this way if you don’t live in certain coastal US zip codes. And you can make a more than comfortable living being a competent, reliable tradesperson of any sort.
6
My friends who are parents have become insufferable. They are all stressed out and tired but refuse to spend any of that money on giving themselves a break. Spending $3K a month on a day care because its "better" than the 2.5/k a month daycare is fine, but they will never hire a babysitter to have one night off. The spawn are always dragged to restaurants. They play is always supervised with the parents "showing" them "how to" play and then looking around for approval on how good they are at showing.
Insufferable. I was not raised that way and I will never treat children that way. Children benefit from stable, well balanced parents that give them attention but also have firm boundaries and take care of their own physical and mental health. They do not benefit from stressed out and anxiety ridden nut jobs.
19
One thing I've become very aware of is that while some of the kids in my neighbourhood and at university with mine are excelling and giving their proud parents opportunities to say so many are suffering from anxiety, depression and loneliness (and substance abuse). I try to talk to my kids about what is a good life but I am aware - as are they - of underlying economic anxiety. Conversations with others about their kids' struggles with depression veer back into conversations about grades and admissions to post-graduate education.
2
As with almost everything, I think this article illustrates the need for balance. We often swing the pendulum too far in response to a situation. Parents were not parenting in the past, they were simply having kids and surviving. That was identified as a problem so now we're becoming super-parents and smothering. Yes, parents need to read to kids when younger, eat meals as a family as often as possible (which doesn't mean always or they'll die, or never because the parents are "too busy"), and go to soccer games as often as possible (see above). Kids also need to learn independence which is not possible if the parent(s) are always helping the kids solve challenges or problems. Teach, observe, guide, allow, support. Don't smother, don't be too busy. Parents must also live their own lives because kids learn by watching and a parent's aspiration is for a happy healthy child. Watching a stressed, smothering parent doesn't achieve that.
-10-year widowed (never re-married) Dad of a 19-year old college student.
9
Ken, Widowed mom with a 5th grader here. I have learned that good enough is good enough. Homework gets done without my help, pitching in is necessity, and there aren’t any expensive, extravagant clubs or sports events on our calendar because we don’t have the time or money.
But the 5th grader is doing well at school, doesn’t need counseling, has nice friends. So far, so good—although the difficult years of puberty loom, and it is with humility and a little fear that I wait for the phone call from school saying my child has driven a motorcycle into the cafeteria...
5
No wonder more and more people are choosing not to breed. Enjoy having anxiety about the anxiety that your kids are being born into.
10
The headline should read "The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting in the Upper Middle Class." Yes, it is driven by the fear of mobility--downward mobility. Note that for everyone who rises into the top 20%, an equal number must descend into the bottom 80%. And as the rich get richer, the lives of those ordinary people, four-fifths of the population, look more and more unbearable.
It must be terrifying to believe that the vast majority of people lead lives that would be unacceptable for your own children. There is a choice--to make the lives of the majority OK, or to frantically defend your children's position at the top of the ladder.
In my seven decades of life I have moved from the top group to the second quintile, somewhere below median income, but above poverty level. I'm doing just fine.
To raise children to believe that they need to fiercely defend their privilege is to put them in moral peril. Let them learn that we are all in this world together, and each one's well-being depends on everyone's well-being.
20
It seems to me that childhood is getting lost in all this. When do children get a chance to use their own imagination, or even make small decisions for themselves or learn to become self sufficient? Parents are calling potential employers after a child has had a job interview? That is ridiculous, and it seems to me that it would raise a flag as to the ability of the child being interviewed to be able to function as a mature adult.
Children are being smothered, and both parent and child are experiencing anxiety and maybe even depression from having to have every second of the child's life filled with a planned activity. It has to be exhausting for both parent and child.
Let children be children, and adults have a life. Both parents and children need down time. If a child is experiencing a problem, then that is another matter, and has to be dealt with, of course.
I am curious as to what happens to the parent when the child who has occupied the majority of his or her's parent's life leaves home? How does the parent cope with that? How does the child function as an adult when he or she is suddenly confronted with making decisions for him or herself? Or does the parenting continue into adulthood? That is probably a rhetorical question.
10
Perhaps current social norms urge adults to feel stress, guilt, inadequacy whether or not they are parents. My heart goes out to parents, but I feel guilt for not being one.
4
@citizen
While you may feel guilt over not being a parent, there are those of us who feel a twinge of guilt about having a child grow up in relative privilege against a backdrop of rising inequality and unequal educational opportunity. See? Grass is always greener
1
In our newly globalized world, middle class jobs no longer include uneducated work. The butcher job, the delivery truck job, the factory or construction job, are no longer middle class occupations, but low income work. To ensure middle class lives for our children, we must spend more on education than ever before. More time, more money, more more. Please feel free to disagree with me and yearn for the halcyon days of yore. The less competition my kids have, the better.
10
Mr Isaac, the well-being of your kids depends upon the well-being of everyone in the social system. Contagious disease, crime, and revolution await those who try to hold onto it all for themselves.
7
@Rachel
Agreed. The article is about the logic of 'over-parenting,' however, not egalitarianism. And hey, I'm ready for the revolution...let's do it!
This article neglects the point that relationships are at the heart of life satisfaction - even on a psychobiological level - and parents are cultivating the most significant one for their children during early years. There is no "one size fits all" approach; it's an ebb and flow of reciprocity and unique to each dyad.
7
I have children who have children who live very far away. I was the type of person who experienced parenting as a calling to the most fascinating and loving thing I could ever do. Fear? Huh? Boring? Huh? Quit the day job, yes. Survive with only one car instead, yes. To this day the wonder of a watching a small child think with hands, feet astounds me.
I watch and smile and converse with toddlers on the bus and near my home. This, too, has its dangers. Being a so called angel, or ghost, in the crowd comes with its own fear and misunderstandings. I am often confused when I see a unknown helpless child in need as to what to do. I have experienced both sides as I tried a small act of kindness: harsh reprimands or praises. As of late it is more reprimands, so I am increasingly convinced that I am not to do anything and silent prayers are the way to go.
There was a prayer of thanks comment that was glorious.
If I can add:
In the space between wrong and not wrong, I commented. And for someone calling me back to a faith, even if only it be praying silently, thank you, too.
5
This article runs the risk of being interpreted as "stop parenting" in aeeas that do really matter. As an educational researcher who works with a media psychologist, I can confidently state that the truth is, if you study the research in each area ((homework, monitoring screen time, safety, acrivities), that each of these has changed drastistically since 1970, and parents are not overreacting. They are trying to keep up. Is monitoring your child's screen time (over 50 hours a week outside of school) necessary? Absolutely. Is the mountain of homework schools now demand (greatly increased) effective? Not really. Other ways of teaching work much better. Outside activities build relationships, teamwork, and motivation, but not when pressure is too high. Reading at home matters, real conversations (not online) matter, safety matters, and one activity that matches a young person's passion matters. So does building a network of people who can help in different ways.
Bottom line: everything has changed and parents are not provided the solutions.
18
There are many vital aspects of parenting that this article (and plenty others like it) miss completely.
Such as the fact that many parents like me have been through therapy and understand, as perhaps no other generations ever have, how deeply early childhood attachment forever affects a human being.
Or the fact that I, a woman who chose to have a child at 40, treasure spending time with my child, take joy in learning about child development, and have a deep interest in watching it happen. What if wanting to parent is NOT pathological?
11
@R.H. I agree. People should be aware of the information concerning the effects on children of the ways their parents relate to them. Attachment theory in psychology is very important. (John Bowlby and those coming after him.).
1
One of my sons has high functioning autism. The most education he will receive is an AA at a community college and for him, that will be an achievement. I have come to realize that the conversation about helicopter parenting is not about special needs kids and special needs families. We don’t have a choice about whether our parenting is “relentless.” For my son to progress educationally and socially, needs several types of therapies and additional educational help all of which take a time and money. What is at stake is his ability to support himself after my husband and I are gone, not his attending an Ivy League school or not. I wish I could let up for a bit – I envy parents with that ability!
19
About 20 years ago, as an advisor at Princeton, when a father came to me to register his kid for freshman classes - without his son in tow, I knew we were headed for trouble.
Since then, I've witnessed parents doing remarkable things to help their kids - a father who begged me to remove his daughter's failing grade from two semesters earlier, a mother bringing her son bone marrow soup every Sunday so he would stay healthy, a mom sleeping on her kid's floor for semesters on end so she could lay out the clothes and make sure the meds were taken on time.
There have to be ways to strike a balance between helping children and letting them stumble and fall so they can get up on their own when they need to. I suspect that balance is different for every child.
9
The nuclear family is more isolated than ever. Most American children are growing up in environments that are inhospitable to children - busy roads, nothing in walking distance, communities where unsupervised children are seen as a nuisance at best or worthy of a DCFS call at worst. My generation of parents does not want to overschedule our children in expensive activities, but the alternative is to be cooped up inside with them whining for screen time for the long winter months. Public schools provide little to no recess, physical activity, art, or music. We have been lucky to have enough kids in our neighborhood that the past few summers have been relatively unstructured and fun. However one family just moved away, and the situation has quickly gone from my daughter walking across the street to schedule her own play dates, to me texting and emailing with parents, sometimes for weeks at a time, to arrange much more supervised social activities. The overparenting trend is driven at least in part by social isolation at all age levels. There are a lot of smug comments on here from parents whose children grew up in the 60s and 70s but I notice when my in-laws babysit my daughter, she is parked in front on the TV for hours.
29
Exactly! All these comments from people talking about good ole days... not helping. We need good advice and tools. They don’t have them either because they don’t understand what parenting in 2018 means.
7
I was caught up in the parent mania of today too. Do this class, do that class. Then my daughter was diagnosed with anxiety issues. I've had to let go. Not perfect grades oh well. Not in a certain activity oh well. Not getting into the perfect high school oh well. Not getting into the perfect college oh well. In the end she'll find her way and I'm sure she'll be just fine.
28
Many thanks for an excellent article on the relentlessness of modern parenting. As grandmothers and early childhood professionals, my colleagues and I have observed the changes taking place in our society's approach to child-rearing over the past thirty years. Our book "Timeless Advice for Parents of Young Children: How to Understand Your Child's Behavior and Respond Effectively in Almost Any Situation" suggests ways parents of children under six can reclaim their own lives while raising competent, productive adults. This does not involve the molding of character but helping children become authentic, self-sufficient, kind human beings. Though times may have changed, little kids have not. They need what they have always needed: strong, consistent parents; opportunities for unstructured, imaginative play; help in understanding their feelings and expressing them appropriately; and plenty of opportunities for physical activity. There are many advantages to letting children be bored and find ways to deal with it rather than relying on electronic media and its hyper-stimulation.
If you are a parent who feels you can't have your own life, read our book and relieve your conscience of the relentless parenting burden. We Grandmothers want to assure you of what children really need and what they don't. Parents who are resentful, harried adults are not good role models and will not inspire their children to wish to grow up in this overly competitive society.
3
I only had the one child, and my immigrant husband and I are strivers, up from not much. I did feel tremendous love, responsibility, anxiety, guilt and angst for the time and things I could and could not provide, since you have work longer hours and keep going to school to afford the day care, enrichment, social occasions, travel, and college. Had there been more money and time, I would have had another child and tried to do the same for that child. My child turned out well; she is successful, compassionate, funny, curious about the world, and present in our lives. But there is a cost; I was more independent at a much younger age, but not for any purposeful reason, just plain neglect. I'm glad to have been and to be there for her always, but I do think the United States needs subsidized child care, after school care, college, and elder care. If the tax breaks had gone for those instead to rich users, our country would be a better place for many families.
19
We need to stop this. These anxious, overbearing parents are worried that their kids are not going to gain entry to the one of the same 30 colleges. There are other options.
I grew up in the 60s, and lived in a neighborhood where 8 kids per family were the norm. Our mothers were too exhausted caring for siblings to obsess about us. On weekends, and during summer vacation, we went outside at 9 am, and came home for dinner; after dinner, we had to be in when the street lights went on. Our bikes were transportation.
There were 48 kids in my CLASSROOM in elementary school, with one overworked teacher and no aides - but the majority of us could read and do arithmetic at grade level. (We walked to the public library every week and borrowed the maximum 4 books.)
We studied, hard, in school. We worked part-time jobs. Colleges were chosen based on scholarship awards; mine was a college that educated working-class kids. I ultimately received a doctorate from one of those 30 schools, and my classmates came from more privileged backgrounds; it didn’t matter.
Yes, I determined that my son would have more opportunities than I did. But I NEVER engaged in the “relentless” behavior described in this article - it’s_just_nuts.
If you have young children today, please do not be afraid to buck this trend. One sport, one art, one hobby - each at different times during the year. Then, let them be kids. They won’t miss the merry-go-round, and they’ll thank you.
18
I know many parents who have kept their kids in these nice wonderful bubbles of comfort. Avoiding risk at all times. Now-- I see many of their children, who are n their early twenties, are riddled with anxiety, unsure of how to navigate the world. Calling their parents for assurance every few hours. This is not the way to raise healthy independent children.
9
I am a tandem breastfeeding, co-sleeping, stay-at-kid parent of two, and while some may consider this an overbearing parenting approach, one must keep a child's age in perspective: Both of my children are under age three and still in the phase where high doses of nurturing (not smothering) are vital to their development of a strong and confident core self-belief. Leaving a baby to sleep alone in another room, the common practice in our culture, seems simply crazy if you think about it for more than a moment. At the same time, I am careful that I do not solve problems for my children, or stick an Ipad in their face to stuff emotional expression or boredom, and I plan to let them roam freely outside of the house as soon as they have developed a strong sense of spatial awareness and safety boundaries, which I estimate to happen by age five or six at the rate they are currently going.
9
In the US, the GOP/Republicans are focused on weakening public education and making secondary education more expensive (to feed the profits of Betsy DeVos), wrecking social security to make people less secure and more dependent on private investment firms (to feed Wall Street profits), and taking away any publicly-funded public structures and resources they can (to feed the profits of organized religion).
That's not the whole story, but it sure makes it harder to raise kids here. It's no wonder people are having fewer of them.
19
As America is showing faster decline in social mobility and income inequality, our inherent nature of selfishness and anxiety are taking over our mode of parenting. In the process, we are passing that to our children, teaching them to be more selfish and greedy, as we see in many poorer countries in most developing countries.
Many of our governmental programs only make it worse by reducing community support (e.g public library, transport etc.), reduced funding for public education and other public infrastructure like parks, forest land, untamed nature for our kids from various socioeconomic background to mix up and play there- unsupervised etc. It's a growing symptoms of our failing social fabric, particularly when USA is also losing its social and religious faith (despite of growing influence of religion in our politics and education, but with declining church attendance. Churches used to play an important role in our social cohesion and empathy).
Now more doctors, engineers, lawyers, corporate leaders (with expensive MBA type degrees), and politicians are from affluent families and yet they are more corrupt and less efficient (as per data) in their professional roles.
10
The headline doesn’t sit well with me. Parenting, like so much else, is at least 60% perception, and I don’t want to consider my daughter a relentless, draining source of exhaustion in my life, so I don’t.
I probably helicopter sometimes, and I am probably too hands off sometimes, but I am doing my best and hope that it all balances out. We are happy, so I think we are doing well.
I teach at a highly affluent school where I witness the results of various parenting styles from parents who have the opportunity to provide only the best for their children. It has been oddly reassuring. Though I am single mom living on a teacher’s salary, seeing the anxiety and unhappiness of so many youth makes me think that I do not care what society’s parenting messages are, that I should go with my gut (and research) to find a better way. Money doesn’t solve all the problems, and nor does offering only “the best” experiences.
I want my daughter to be happy and fulfilled; I do not care if she is the best. While I am delighted by her successes, those successes do not define her (or me). Her long-standing friendships, our shared jokes, her integrity- those things matter. The rest is noise. We find our way together.
I signed up to be a parent, and it is a lifelong commitment, and I refuse to view it as “relentless”. It is joyful, maddening, fulfilling, intriguing, stimulating. It is what I make of it, and that is on me and my perception of how I parent, not on my daughter or her activities.
18
Exactly, this is the very way i felt and acted raising our kids. Having integrity and being generous to their siblings and others was way more important to us than seeing them “be the best” at anything. They may not have what society considers “successful” careers, but they are kind, sober, and are people whom others want to spend time with. Thank you for expressing that.
6
Thanks for responding.
I went to a state university, hold a masters degree, and I am a high school teacher. For some, perhaps my life is not “successful” but I disagree. I love my life, find joy and purpose in my work, have great people in my life. While my home will never look like the magazines, it is cheerful, comfortable, safe, and often filled with friends. I refuse to believe that is not success. I want my daughter to define success for herself, too. It starts with good character, and the rest is up to her.
I wonder why more people can’t see it the way you and I do? I’d wager that it is a much more fulfilling way to live.
10
@Kristina Bravo! Yes - just have grounded expectations!
1
We were just talking about this round the post-Christmas breakfast table. I cannot grasp where, how, why and when it's all gone south, but it has. When my children (now 19 & 23) were young, my mother noted that you couldn't pay her to be a parent now. The funny thing is that in that moment I knew she was right. Yet the social code was so insistent and persistent that resistance was difficult.
One "had to" watch one's child constantly or one was abusive. Doubt that? A friend's friend was arrested on child endangerment (and lost her own daycare licence) when she left her colicky baby (asleep after two hours of driving to soothe) for a literal nanosecond to move ten feet from the car to drop a letter in the box; no matter that it was warm, the window was cracked, the door was locked and she was right there. I once moved a foot from the shopping cart with my sleeping baby to reach for pasta and was screamed at by an older woman for "risking my baby" a harangue so bizarre I ended up crying and going home without the food.
Parents are hectored into doing more of the wrong things that mean less, and none of it's benign; we're cultivating the most paradoxical generation ever raised. Simultaneously entitled yet needy, overworked yet brittle, inundated with toys yet lacking imagination, over scheduled yet unfulfilled...it's exhausting everyone.
Some of us resist, but we've been told we risk our children's lives if we offer them what we had:freedom. Sad. This won't end well.
23
That’s awful!
Why don’t some of these critics offer words of support instead? Shame on them for yelling at you instead of just keeping an eye on your kid while you grabbed the food fro the shelf.
Some people are just awful; remember that is says more about them than it does about you.
2
We just attended a holiday party at the home of friends. Over the years, they had established a reputation as great hosts, and you could count on their gatherings to be entertaining and well-attended by a large core group of mutual friends. Four years ago they had a child. They gradually made more and more friends among the parents of their son’s preschool pals, and naturally the new friends began coming, too.
We used to look forward to reconnecting with our friends and meeting new people at these events, but it’s impossible now to have a conversation. Their parties are no longer adult get-togethers but include a pack of shrieking, running, crying four-year-olds. The parents are so distracted by having to chase after their kids that you can’t have a conversation, and the noise and chaos destroy any attempts to talk to anyone anyway. You’re constantly on the watch to make sure that the kids aren’t into your purse or your mixed drink or spilling something on you or running over your feet with the various wheeled vehicles that they’re riding through the room. Not surprisingly, fewer and fewer of the original group seem to be attending.
8
The most wonderful, indulgent thing friends have arranged at parties is parents pitching in $ for on-site babysitters at the party. The parents can hang out and the kids stay occupied nearby. And it's way more affordable than individual babysitters.
9
@Lucy Charles
Why don't you just put the kids in a separate room or out in the yard so you can have some peace and quiet? Just have someone check in on them now and then. That's what people used to do in more normal times.
3
@Lucy Charles
I hear you. Rest assured that this too, shall pass; toddlers at parties are temporary- they grow up, and soon enough your friends will be able to imbibe and converse like the days of old. In the meantime, just know they’re looking forward to those days even more than you are!
4
This is so true. I notice such a difference between how I was raised, how I parented my children in the late nineties-2010, and the parenting I observe in my community today. I walked to Kindergarten without adult supervision, only attended after school programs I could get to myself, and never considered myself deprived or neglected by my parents in any way. Both my parents worked, but we always managed to have dinner together and spent Sundays hiking or on the beach. When my children were little we chose to move to a small community where they could have the freedom to roam. I drove them to music and tennis lessons, helped them plan play-dates and had some awesome themed birthday parties while working full-time, but they also ran freely around the neighborhood playing without adult supervision until dark, and I did not worry one bit. Nowadays it seems that so many parents are involved in every aspect of their children's lives and worry whenever they are out of sight. It seems like today's world has created a constant need for always staying in touch, and checking in on children, which I think is more disruptive than helpful. I've seen many children who do not know how resolve conflicts with their peers, or how to amuse themselves, and expect adults to solve their problems and come up with games for them to play. When my children were bored I just told them they were welcome to help me clean or do laundry. It was amazing how quickly they found something to do.
10
When my husband and I are out in public, we are jolted by ear-piercing and long-lasting shrieks from infants and toddlers. Attendant adults, presumably parents, are oblivious and offer no admonishment to the children.
For years I would say to my husband that I had never heard children sound like that in earlier years as though the ear-piercing shrieking were a new evolutionary mutation in human children.
It has only been recently that I realized the shrieking is not a biological quirk but because parents bring newborn and very young children to restaurants, shopping malls, "out in public".
In the early 1970s, my boyfriend -- a devoted and loving father, his three-year-old daughter, and I ate our meals at home. He joked that she would go to restaurants "when she was civilized."
Current child-centered parenting styles seem to have lost the connection to society.
7
I mean, I guess I can see your point if we're talking fine dining, but as a society we can't expect parents to never leave their house until their kids are 6 or something. Parents of young children need food and clothing and basic supplies, too. There have always been young children in shopping malls and restaurants; you've just become more aware of them.
13
@Rose
Life in America has not always been as it is now.
Shopping malls are a relatively new phenomenon as time goes -- not until the 1960s in Florida. There were restaurants and diners, Howard Johnsons, and Morrison cafeterias in my youth. Not many very young children and those that were present behaved well "in public."
Parents and children can certainly "leave their house" before their kids are six years old -- as long as those kids have been taught they are not the center of the universe and to be aware and considerate of others.
Having once been a child, had babysitting and camp counselor jobs, had siblings, nieces and nephews, and worked with children, I've always been very aware of children, their behaviour, and their parents' behavior.
2
Nope, nope, nope.
Although parents involvement at a young age is no doubt beneficial, I see prolonged hyper-involvement as a recipe for child anxiety, parental burnout and child rebellion. The stakes are higher when everything must be perfect.
I can't imagine an employer favorably considering a near-adult child for employment with an anxious parent follow-up call after the interview.
College degree? Pshaw. Nearly everyone in my family, including me, has either an MD, JD or PhD. Anything less was considered to be sub par. It wasn't from constant prodding, but just an unspoken expectation to maintain the status quo. Is my generation better off than the one before? Depends on the stock market.
Best thing parents can do to curb economic anxiety, instead of constant hovering, is to teach kids how to manage money correctly. Don't build up significant debt via improper purchasing patterns, buying more than one can afford. Teaching kids that they don't have to keep up with the Joneses is the best lesson. Better yet, parents: have less kids and don't have them young before you are able to raise them comfortably.
Making mistakes and figuring out how to fix them yourself is a great way to grow. Can't do that with a parent hovering with a bottle of white-out.
5
We were on the parenting arms race treadmill until my son turned 7. 2 career family in major city with all the trappings. We had had it. Literally, woke up one morning and recognized everyone was absolutely miserable. Moved. With some work found a much healthier lifestyle for all, and not surprisingly, everyone did so much better, including my then 7 yr old. So much so that he will be attending Ivy, etc.
There are communities (and more importantly schools) that are out there, if you look, that are focused on character, more free play, etc. Note: many of them are in college towns, so no, these are not less educated communities, they just recognize the value of free time as part of a healthy way of life. Some are within barking distance/commuting distance of major cities on the East Coast. Think outside the box. Do not get into a parenting arms race - that is the death of happiness. When kids are happy they excel far beyond what they can achieve in a hyper strructured, uber competitive environment. We found there's incredible competitive advantage in this type of upbringing when it comes time to apply to colleges.
11
As a public school teacher, I was able to witness the change in students over four decades. The students I taught in the 70s were generally a creative, cooperative, kind, hard-working lot. The students I finished with were sadly characterized by a high percentage of late, sloppy work, constant absences, exhaustion from their over-scheduled afternoons, evenings, and weekends, self-centeredness, and (most sadly) an overwhelming number of parents who demanded an A grade on every project and test, despite the student having met few of the requirements for a C.
I am still in contact with a great many of those former pupils and am happy that so many of them have settled as adults into a less competitive, less stressed lifestyle. They may not own the McMansion or the newest cars or take pricey vacations, but they do seem more grounded and realistic with their demands on life. The idea that each generation should do better than the last used to be focused solely on financial gain. I’d like to think that these newer generations have loftier goals in mind. Perhaps it really is time for the pendulum to swing in the other direction to a simpler lifestyle.
22
Eventually, the parents pass away. The children, having been supported and kept dependent, are now left to survive on their own, without having been prepared to do so. The parents have neglected their responsibility to prepare their children for independent living. Hence they have left their children abandoned.
8
It is all very interesting. I agree with the following quote from the article: "Psychologists and others have raised alarms about children’s high levels of stress and dependence on their parents, and the need to develop independence, self-reliance and grit. Research has shown that children with hyper-involved parents have more anxiety and less satisfaction with life, and that when children play unsupervised, they build social skills, emotional maturity and executive function." We are not all the same and we should not make parents feel guilty. I was brought up by a single mom when I was 7. At 12 my mother remarried. My step father who told me at every opportunity that I would grow up to be nothing. I was pretty independent from an early age. I struggled as an early adult, but I learned grit and eventually became rather successful.
3
This article doesn't mention parents of disabled children who are also relentless, but in a different way. We fight for services. We fight for inclusion. We fight to ensure a level playing field as our children grow in hopes of them becoming independent, happy adults. Getting a job, falling in love, marriage and children are all bonus thoughts for those of us who just want our children to be the best they can within a system that fails to fund what is needed for their success.
Ask parents of disabled children about what we spend for additional therapies and supports that don't exist or are refused by school districts in order to ensure a shot at a happy future. Becoming an fierce, advocate mom is what parents of disabled children do. It's not helicoptering or over-monitoring, it's ensuring their survival in a system that is not designed to welcome them or assure their safety and well-being. Every parent with a disabled child that I talk with (I've been an advocate for others over 20 years now) says what I say "I can't die. Who will take care of my child with the care and love that I do?"
14
@Sonja Luchini- Thank you for putting all of this angst into perspective. People speak empty words of "gratitude" at this time of year and most of us never stop to really think about the burdens other folks carry. Thank you again.
2
A thought stared at me as I read quite a few of the comments: How similar we (at least the commentators here) are despite my upbringing in a faraway third world country.
Freedom! What fun it was growing up in India and living much like Tom Sawyer ( Does anybody still read Twain?). How free we were - we walked and ran everywhere. My father had a bike - a grown up Man's bicycle that we as kids learned to ride without getting on the seat. Came back home from school and with my brother, went to play with neighborhood kids, sometimes walking along the rail track, lying down with ears to the metal,to gauge the rumble of an oncoming train - my parents had no clue as long as we got back, before it was sundown.
The thing that struck me is how so many of the commentators living their lives here, lament about that lack of freedom they too enjoyed, despite the difference in geography and upbringing.
The article speaks of a backlash but I wonder if that is even feasible. My daughter went riding her bike to the cul de sac and her mom watched from a distance. My son had to be driven wherever he had to go. Much to my chagrin, the children growing up today, would never know about the past and everything done today would be the new normal.
How I wish I took my children back to my third world experience, learning to swim with banana trunk as floats or where dancing in the summer rain was (and still is) such a thing of relief and joy!
15
Exclusive breastfeeding, sleeping in parents’ room, and homemade baby food are not “trappings of intensive parenting” but ways of taking care of babies common around the world today and in the US probably less than 100 years ago before we were targeted to buy formula, processed pap, and tons of gadgets to separate parents from babies, creating the need for more gadgets to prevent babies from crying, when carrying or wearing them works great and doesn’t cost. Human babies are designed to need a lot of attention and it is normal and healthy for parents to want to provide that. It would be great if their good instincts could be supported.
25
I had the same thoughts. Mashing up a banana instead of buying a jar of banana baby food is hardly hyper-intensive, helicopter parenting. The corporate marketing machines have been extraordinarily successful that we would even need to point that out!
How much of our parenting “advice” comes from sources that only want to sell us something, I wonder?
6
One of the big reasons I belive parents are "craving" for their children to do better and learn more is because they themselves feel as if they did not accomplish and their lives are a mess and are pushing that on to there children
8
As a therapist who has worked with adolescent and emerging adult males for more than 20 years, I've been struck by the contrast in the "why's" of their substance use. When I am working with an inner city youth he tells me his "why" is "I'm bored so my friends and I chill with a joint". From upper middle class boys living in high end suburbs I hear "I have no free time to just chill ... ". In their case, it is the stress that comes with parents insisting that they have multiple activities, advanced placement classes and whatever else will look good on a college application. The theme that emerges in their narratives involves is avoidance. It is this group of youngsters that ends up dropping out, seeking alternative means of graduating high school or leaving college to "find themselves" after failing or finding themselves smoking pot and drinking themselves into not caring about their futures. I'm often struck by the number of youth from upper middle class, economically and professionally successful, intact families who find themselves living with their parents well into their '20's. Often, these youth continue to struggle with addiction while their parents find themselves self-blaming or bewildered as to how this might have happened. For most, it is my sense that the problem has been a lack of some "white space and time for reflection and unstructured recreation ... dream time if you will" that is the culprit. Parents today need permission to foster this.
20
Well, by your own admission, you have boys from many socioeconomic statuses who so drugs and simply have different reasons for them. Stress is relative. And from my background as a drug abuse researcher, sadly the kids from the lower income homes are far more likely to do drugs.
More young adults are living with their parents not because they lack independence, but because rents have outpaced inflation and inflation has outpaced salaries. A lot of young people in their 20s can no longer afford to live outside their parents' homes.
4
I live in Sweden and my sister lives back home in California. It goes without saying that I receive significantly more parental support from the state than she does. What’s baffling though is we experience the same societal pressures. We’re both fairly laid-back mothers but our communities force us to play the often expensive game of modern parenting. Not participating will only serve our principles and undoubtedly decrease our kids’ opportunities for getting a shot at a decent life in an exponentially pressurised western society. The way things are going my sister and I can only speculate the ridiculous situation they’ll be in as adults.
4
For those sighting the Eiropean safety net, I think there is more to it than that.
Provincial (sounds nostaligic but reads rural congruent to dumb ox) is connected to urban by paths for biking and walking besides govt public transport. These paths arr as old as the hills. The language in most countries has respect for elderly built in with a formal and informal you. Traditions from the 800s and even some structures from the 1025 probably stand within a 15 km circumference of your home so there is a sense of continuity and history. And a major event like a wedding or confirmation still carries some form of procession through nature into a building to remind the people of from where they came and to where they will return.
The safety net did not build these things in. These things are a foundation of the safety net psyche.
There in lies the crux.
As a teacher of gifted and talented students, I see the results of helicopter and lawnmower parenting. The students can’t handle much on their own, look for work to be easy and non-threatening to the ego, and flip out when they don’t earn As for their “efforts.” Their parents aren’t much better. When assignments are challenging, they complain to the principal about how stressed their babies are. When their babies don’t earn As for their minimal efforts, they complain to the principal about a teacher being unfair. The problem could never be parenting; it’s always the teacher.
Parents, you aren’t doing your kids any favors by infantilizing them. Your good intentions are proving deleterious. It’s a case of killing with kindness.
My advice? Instill values and character. Offer a few manageable opportunities. Encourage education. Then back off and get your own life early on. Everyone will be happier.
16
Is it now ok to tell white girls (sometimes from private or parochial schools) that their chances of college at top state schools or selective privates are not realistic bc of these two boxes? It is being told all over our country. It just seems like a sad disheartening message. Not one i was ever told growing up. And not in ever case, does the seat go to families who have struggled their way along, by comparison, followed by achievements that are not as spectacular. And the legacy angle on top of it all. I was told growing up I could do anything, but these girls are being told they have limitations...not grades, tests scores nor ECs or recs... I chose a somewhat diverse school for my daughter but never thought we would be hearing such a blunt message and need to apply to so many safety schools with even then not knowing if she could get a seat. They need to tell you this in middle school! Good luck.
This new style of parenting is not helping our kids. I've seen the competitiveness among parents when it comes to their kids' activities. Consider the rising levels of depression, anxiety and suicide among the young. We need to do more to foster self confidence and independence from an early age, and this means letting go and allowing them to have the space, time, and freedom, to be kids.
8
The reason for this type of parenting is the endless news cycle playing on the fears of parents.
We are over connected for our prehistoric minds to cope worry worry worry. Myself included.
Add to this a flailing world order.
Is it any wonder that a tiny frozen little town in the middle of nowhere with great social services is the happiest place in the world?
2
This article dated itself from the 1970s. Children who were born in the 40s or 50s had much different lives.
As the oldest child of the 1940s (followed by four children in the 50s), I urge the NYT and researchers to go further back to look at this phenomenon.
My mother let the older kids free all day but she was involved in, of course, the youngest, church, the oldests' school and outside activities (when she had any inkling what we were doing).
We ate as a family to home-cooked meals every evening. We were a beautiful family of 5 children and a stay-at-home mom and father who came home promptly every evening and stayed to play board games and watch tv as a family.
Was my mother helicopter or negligent?
A possible reason for subsequent parenting: Fear.
Many dangers became national. Once parents knew what could happen, they figured it would happen, and in their neighborhood.
Poor Kathy Fiscus in 1949 started it all.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kathy_Fiscus
4
In the morning as we left for elementary school our mother told us "unless you need a ride to the hospital don't come home before dinner"
We had the greatest childhood and successful adulthoods and now are enjoying the happiest retirements
I think this new parenting is driving the parents and the children into insanity
9
"prosperous" is relative.
3
They’re all a bunch of brats as far as I can tell (I mean both the kids and their parents)—I’m so glad I didn’t add to the problem!
6
@RachelK Ditto! I don’t hear a lot about the upside of raising children. It’s expensive, exhausting, so much worry. What IS the upside? Spending time together once people are all adults?
7
It is the most joyful experience I have ever seen, experienced, imagined.
A shared joke, a walk to watch the sunset together, creating traditions, backpacking trips, and conversations about the meaning of life or the trivial, all of it is unbelievable.
And when I got cancer, it was my love for my daughter that gave me the strength to fight past my tolerance for pain and fear; I swear my love for her (and hers for me) kept me alive.
Parenting isn’t for everyone, clearly. But for some, it is a transformative experience rooted in joy.
17
Interesting article . More or less complete absence of any mention of fathers. Main focus seem to be on Single Mother led households, why not put that in the title.
7
The scary monster out there is drugs. That will turn all of your work into ashes. Its not entirely predictable as to who becomes a drug addict. This one thing will make parenting an anxious ordeal in America.
13
Too many parents today are duct taped to their children.
This is extremely unhealthy for all involved.
7
Of course “Isaac had some challenges like anxiety and trouble sleeping.” His mother never gave him a moment’s peace!
9
Need to be careful- sometimes getting involved in your kid’s activities can be counterproductive and actually make matters worse. Just chill. Give your kid some space. Ms Sentilles, I know you mean well for your son, but try backing off a bit.
6
.... In the US. The US is a women and children hating society. Lack of paid leave, paid child care and free education make having children a luxury purchase. Perfect for upper middle class mostly white "consumers" who need to accessorize their range rovers with up market children's seats. We're a heinous place, how did it come to this
4
funny how when white mothers take a hands on approach to parenting they're portrayed sympathetically and it becomes "the norm" but when Asian mothers do it, it's borderline abusive and considered "tiger parenting"
7
@MJ Well, Amy Chua practically extolled the virtues of being "borderline abusive" as an ethnic Chinese "tiger mother" in her 2011 "memoir."
4
1 in 5 kids suffering from depression and anxiety in America. Perhaps this modern parenting is causing the problem.
https://www.nbcnews.com/health/kids-health/generation-risk-america-s-youngest-facing-mental-health-crisis-n827836
2
From one of the oldest baby boomers. We grew up roaming and biking the neighborhood, climbing trees, playing in the streets, heck, even our dogs roamed free and pooped wherever they needed to. And we could trick-or-street without parental protection!
Our three children were born in the '70s and missed the advent of hyper-helicopter parenting. All three are wonderful, successful adults whole love each other and their families and us.
What I have not noticed in these comments is any mention of two huge events that occurred early in the millennium. The growing ubiquity of cell phones (now smart phones) and 9/11, which terrified those of us living on along the D.C./NYC corridor, even with older and grown children. And the phones, of course enabled constant contact, parents and children calling each other about every issue/problem/question. What need does a child have to solve issues on her own if a parent's advice is just a phone call away? (But as a grandparent, I definitely appreciate FaceTime!)
10
When there is huge income inequality, there is huge pressure to make sure your kids have the opportunity to stay on the right side of the divide. I feel conflicted because I plan on donating most of my estate to charity when I die (because I abhor trust-fund kids), but at the same time spend more than average raising my kids. I want my kids to feel the satisfaction of "making it on their own" knowing full well that they have more opportunities than most given who their parents are.
5
@Matt J. I suppose it depends upon how much is in your estate. My children do very well, but they work at high levels in professions that don't pay huge salaries. To help them and to keep their levels of anxieties down as they think about their own children, I'm working at a profession I love for a long time to build a nice chunk of money for them. I've given a lot of money away in my lifetime, and now I feel I have to hoard it for my kids. The future is uncertain and if I don't take care of my own, who will?
7
Surprisingly, the article does not mention the summer. Children being out of school all summer is an enormous waste of resources. Children lose much of what they learn and working parents are stressed by the extra time they need to fill. The strain is incredibly regressive. Wealthy parents invest in an endless stream of summer camps and enrichment programs not to mention enforcing reading and math packet completion. Meanwhile, disadvantaged children fall further behind and working parents face even more stress. There may be some fantasy about children needing to run barefoot in the summer but that kind of freedom is rarely experienced. The US has a longer summer break than any developed country and it could be largely responsible for our underperformance on educational attainment. It is long past time to deal with the fact that children are no longer needed to work on the family farm and are largely left with nothing productive to do all summer that does not require significant expenditure.
16
Please do not advocate to take my children's summers away from them. Performance is dropping because many schools do not expect much from children and bad behavior is rampant. Often, the compliant children who can achieve have been turned into the teachers in the classroom, and these kids should not have to experience three more months of this treatment. As for those parents who have their kids in sports, thank goodness for them. Sports and all of their practices wear out kids' energy out so they can concentrate in schools. Too many kids live in apartments without adequate space to play, and then come to school with a lot of unspent energy, which is not helpful in the classroom. Regrettably, too many children live in neighborhoods where there are no parks or safe places to run.
1
I have a nine year old son and although he is enrolled in some activities like basketball and cello his dad and I have purposely not over scheduled him. We do not have an X box. He gets 2 hours of Ipad a week only. He does not play Fortnight. He plays outside and sits on the couch doing nothing when he is bored. When he asks me after 1 second of not having anything to do if I can do something with him most of the time I tell him "no" - he needs to learn how to be bored and then fix the boredom by himself if he chooses. There are way more life and character building lessons in THAT than in over-scheduled expensive activities. Here's the point parents - you have a choice also - kids need to play (and learn through play) and be bored and learn how to sit with that or work themselves out of it. Stop and think about what type of adult you are raising - one who has the internal resources to soothe themselves or one who never has time to check in with themselves and relies on others and activities to soothe. The latter sounds like a disaster in the making.
17
"As a college degree became increasingly necessary to earn a middle-class wage..."
That's the key factor here, I think. When childhood is viewed as one giant preparatory process for college admission, with failure to attend college deemed parental failure, no wonder that parenting becomes a desperate exercise.
The universal aspiration of college and career, in turn, leads to a rising age for marriage: the average age for exchanging vows has risen from 22 in 1970, not exactly ancient history, to 28 today. Later marriage means that children arrive when parents are well established in their careers and face greater tradeoffs in spending time away from work. Later marriage also means fewer children, and this is reflected in the decline of family sizes in the 1970s and 80s. Fewer children means fewer playmates among siblings and neighbors, and more pressure on parents to serve as entertainers.
No wonder that all these factors converge to make parenting one or two children seem like a relentless exercise today, whereas as the author notes the term "parenting" itself didn't even exist prior to the 1970s. There seems to be general agreement that today's arrangement is not ideal, bit assuming that it's not, what are the answers?
12
Relentlesss is the perfect word to describe how parenting felt in the early childhood years. I was worried that they weren’t on sports teams when they were 3 or 4 because it seemed like everyone else had their kids on teams. I pushed the kids into activities I thought they should do.
Now my kids are 9 and 13 and I’ve learned to follow their lead. One requires lots of down time to read and recharge. She has a heavy school workload in middle school and currently does one extracurricular. The other has 3 activites including cub scouts, a drama class and a sport. Works for them and the schedule isn’t too taxing for this 2 working parent household.
I highly recommend reading “How to Raise an Adult”. Now in 8th grade my oldest manages all of her school workload and projects on her own. The 4th grader is a long way from that, but we are working on it. They have chores but could do more around the house and as for college, they will go to the state schools that we have prepaid. I worry about limiting their options on college, but at least they can graduate debt free and go where they want for graduate school that they can pay for if they choose.
9
So it appears that parenting in modern America is best suited to ruthless, hyper-competitive, overachieving, type A men and women like "Tiger Mother" Amy Chua. Maybe that explains why so many people are opting out of parenthood (the fertility rate in America is quite low). Not everybody sees value or merit in becoming such a person. Does anybody (even Amy Chua) really want to go through life existing with a siege mentality and being an insecure overachiever?
10
It's helpful for me to realize that a child adds meaning to my life, not necessarliy happiness. It's just a different perspective that ripples through the whole process. Reflecting on my life I know where I could have used guidance but never received it. I'll be aware of those issues with my son. Honestly, it so helpful if I continue to work on myself, meditate, get excercise, etc... it really makes parenting much easier.
7
The biggest predictor of SAT scores is household $income.
9
Do you remember the George Carlin routine where he said we just need to let kids play in the backyard with a stick? Stop over-parenting you helicopter parents.
PS: I am blessed not to have children. My quality of life has been much better. We need to discourage those least able to meet minimum parenting standards from having kids. We need more Planned Parenthood clinics and easier access to abortion.
Remember, we are facing a world wide over-population problem..
10
There is so much wrong with this post it is hard to know where to start. You made a choice not to have kids. OK. But blessed. Since you have no real idea what it means or the experience of raising children and having adult ones in your life as you age you really have no idea what you have missed out on. I respect anyone's choice to go childless but don't act is if that makes your choice correct. Next the idea that there should be some standard for having kids. Really and who decides? Based on whose criteria? Now there is a slippery slope. I and my wife raised 3 boys. I think this idea that you have to hover constantly is ridiculous. Be present but give kids space. Be supportive but allow them choice. Give them Love but know that are desperate humans. When you overdo you make them dependent and that is the worst thing you can give them.
10
The best thing you can do for your kids is to let them make mistakes - and let them know they've got oa safe place - aka - home to go while it's there. That's how animals, like 'us' operate.
4
It’s all about economic insecurity and competition, fueled by social media and the internet. Used to be that kids could make mistakes and recover. Maybe even learn something and grow along the way. Today, the laws are harsher, the consequences are greater and the “opportunity” to recover from mistakes and gain wisdom seems to be lost. Why? Because nothing happens anymore without everyone knowing about it. The web and social media create a permanent record of kids’ mistakes. Piled on top of that is the culture wars - a black kid makes a mistake, he’s labeled a thug and it’s all over. A white middle class boy makes a mistake, he’s labeled a spoiled overprivileged frat boy and it’s all over. So yes, parents worry more because we know from our own experiences that youth was defined as a period of learning from stupid mistakes. The mistakes are almost inevitable, and parents fear unfair consequences. So we overparent and overprotect.
11
Here’s a thought. 7 billion and counting.. how about *not* having children??
12
@Samantha Kelly the world's population problem isn't the result of too many births. Birth rates are in long term decline. Rather, it's too few deaths among an aging population. Mature economies are heading for a demographic nightmare. As a parent to some of the few children who will grow up to pay for your meager, diminished old age benefits, you're welcome.
4
Money alone can not buy good parenting.
3
How much time and /or money I spend with / on my kids? The last two places I will look for reference are the federal government and the New York Times. Both feel they have a say. Neither have a clue.
3
Another amazing fact of parenthood according to the article: there are no such things as fathers, and the words “parent” and “mother” are completely synonymous.
5
Read Rocky Road to Dublin for some parenting insight from a not too distant era.
One Mother's Day, I was asked what I valued most that my mother had given me. I replied, “Independence.”
5
To this article and all such articles on modern parenting: get off the crazy train. You can put a halt to the madness at any time. You kids won't keep up? keep up with what? Their Peers? The Future? Do you really think you know what the future is going to be? To use the old saying "if everybody jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you do it too? Stop making yourself and your kids crazy.
PS. Just finished a bunch of magazines and all of them had multiple articles on how to deal with the holiday stress. Same advice for them: get off the crazy train.
10
So a busy mother should stop and draw with her bored child? That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. How is that good for the child or the mother?
If you’re not teaching them to be independent, you’re doing it wrong.
Ps - if a mother called me after I’d interviewed their daughter or son for a job, it would sink their candidacy instantly. Just saying.
18
You are on your own due to the systematic destruction of "community." The only "unit" left is the one generation nuclear family. By definition then it will take more resources per child to try to obtain the best outcome. Gone are the days when your extended family lived on the same block or walking distance or bus ride to one another. Gone is the time when mothers ( most) were waiting at home for the child coming home from school. Or, the neighbors who co-parented us all. Gone is employer/shopkeeper/ after school monitors. Gone is the church or synagogue on the "corner." This ridiculous "menu" of options we have assembled are the poor substitute, new money making schemes, that produce worthless GDP, instead of the real thing. Yes, the sky really was bluer, the air and water cleaner and the compassion that was created by "community" made us all stronger, more secure and competent. Humans are not a species that require "selection." We require compassion. Our intellect is no more important than our souls. Please remember this. When you win the "rat" race. You are still a "rat."
12
Good grief, folks. Relax. Your children will grow up, and most probably be just fine, whether or not you self-combust. Do your best every day to read with them a little, play with them a little, put veggies in meals, and make sure they’re dirty and tired by day’s end so there’s no real fussing about bath and bed. Repeat as best possible, and on the days that it’s impossible—well, that’s ok, too.
17
Society is becoming a Devil-take-the-Hindmost race that forces an entire generation of children to never have the experience of just being a kid. They are being force-fed like geese to pad their resumes pretty much from birth. As other commentators have noted, it is all rooted in economic anxiety. With the destruction of the Middle Class in America, you are either on the right side of the divide or banished to the great Unwashed. What a mess.
5
Fathers are parents also.
6
This article is a complete fantasy about a type of parenting which exists ,maybe,within a fraction of percentage of parents. The higher average of youths interests today are based in the electronic device world and ultra liberal politics are indoctrinated at very young ages before individuals may reason for themselves. They are introduced to the narcotic cannabis under false pretenses that it is an herb which is totally ficticious and a greater number of pre teens are secretly using every day. Violent rap music and video games effect the developing brain before any parent has a chance to intervene and most will be hanging out and getting into trouble before parents even notice.The only way to prevent negative vices to consume young minds is complete communication at all times . Talk to kids all the time and do not allow them to be influenced by outside attention from peers who will lead them astray.
2
It takes a village....to create a nation filled with anxiety-filled parents and children.
3
Government subsidized, government licensed safe daycare for my kids was wonderful and only $400/month for 9am to 5pm care, 5 days a week in Japan. Loved it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So glad I left the States or I would NOT have been able to continue my research career because $400 was all I could pay. America needs subsidized daycare! Hope they can work it out!
6
Any wonder that "Isaac had some challenges like anxiety and trouble sleeping?"
6
Maslow is flipping in his grave (not gymnastics class), this article applies to what segment of the population? (Just asking)
3
Most people in the future are doomed to be unemployed and poor because AI is going to wipe out most of the good jobs that are still left. Give your kids a happy childhood because at least they will have that to look back on when they are miserable adults.
5
I’m the single, middle class, working mom of a four year old. I understand that parents feel pressured by society, but there is not a federal law that requires you to play with your kid at every moment and there are alternatives to intensive parenting that aren’t screen time. I don’t understand why more parents can’t ignore what “everyone” else is doing and cut themselves a break.
I read with my kiddo a fair amount; we cook and bake together; we enjoy (free) outings to the museum, park, and library. But for the most part, when we are alone together on my days off, he entertains himself while I read, cook, do housework, or pursue other interests. He plays independently with matchbox cars, legos, blocks, balls, crayons, markers, and play-dough, just like I did at age four. If he’s hungry between meals, he knows where the fruit bowl is. We don’t have a TV, and his one screen (a gifted tablet) has easily programmable parental controls so he gets no more than two hours of screen time a day whether I’m hovering or not.
Perhaps he will require extensive therapy after my neglectful parenting leads to his attendance at a state school instead of an Ivy (the horror!), but in the meantime he has a sane, calm, and happy mother. Call me selfish, but I think that might actually be the best thing for him.
13
This article has remarkably little to say about dads, or from dads. The word 'father' is mentioned once, while 'mother' is included 15 times.
5
Strangely these "Hot house grown" children will likely fail and crumple when finally they are called upon to fly on their own..
Free play has been excised from most American children..
3
@Pw I teach these "hothouse" children, and have done so for decades. Let me tell you, they don't fail. They all, to the "man" end up in great universities, medical schools, pharmacy schools, conservatories and engineering programs, get their advanced degrees, have lovely families and contribute mightily to this country. Out of hundreds of these high achieving children, from strong families who invested in them daily, I can think of one troubled young man who took his own life. Taking care of your children is one of the most enriching things you can do for yourself. It pays huge emotional dividends for generations.
6
@VHZ
You should try looking around outside of your little Utopia, where high achievers are rare, where kids struggle to go to the local community college, let alone have any hope of medical school and the like. Get some perspective. School and family life in Princeton is a lot different than it is in Newark.
2
Well, the good news is you no longer have to have kids. Nor should you. It's highly irresponsible to do so now.
5
Gee whiz, the era in which each of us was raised was the best, wasn't it? What's wrong with kids these days?
3
@Thomas
That seems to be the take-away, for most commenters.
I am particularly amused by the romanticized childhoods of the boomers here. Apparently we all ran free and wild, unsupervised from dawn to dusk, came home in time for supper, parents never even asked where they were, and of course they all turned out just fine.
Isn't it funny how some of us decided to parent in a somewhat different manner from how we were raised.
I am troubled by the phrase "free-range parenting." Children aren't chickens.
People, please let's not throw out the baby with the bathwater. Attending to one's children, concern for their future, watchfulness for their safety, directing them to certain activities for their own benefit - this is NORMAL parenting. They don't need a structured activity every hour of the day, but they DO need to feel a parent is seriously interested in their welfare, ALL the time, not on an occasional outing.
Many of us who "ran free" were actually half-raised by other kids' parents, you know - or had to protect ourselves from bullying and abuse because our parents weren't interested. And a kid who wants to be OUT of his or her house from dawn to dusk every day probably has some problems at home.
13
Exactly. Or sexually abused because there were no parents around to watch who was hovering over the kids. There should be balance and I believe active parenting with a degree of freedom.
2
"Parents are burning these kids out on structure. I think every day all children should have three hours of daydreaming. Just daydreaming. You could use a little of it yourself by the way. Just sit at the window and stare at the clouds. It's good for ya. If you want to know how you can help your children: leave them alone!!" - George Carlin
5
“Renée Sentilles enrolled her son Isaac in lessons beginning when he was an infant.” She says: “I enrolled him in piano at 5. I took him to soccer practices at 4. We tried track; we did all the swimming lessons, martial arts. I did everything. Of course I did.”
It’s no wonder that “Isaac [has] some challenges like anxiety and trouble sleeping.”
P.S. - - I did enroll my now 27-year-old son in enrichment activities, but only when he asked for them. In no way did I ever push him or overload him with activities. What I gave him mainly was unconditional love and support (and appropriate discipline when needed).
He now has a BA from Princeton, a PhD in theoretical math from MIT, and is a post doc researcher-professor at UC Berkeley. And he’s happy and well adjusted with many friends. From what I’ve seen of my son’s peers, pushing and pressuring children backfires.
5
where are the dads? this is a research paper for High School--" X found thus, Y found that...." no wisdom, only citations of research studies. The so called anxious overstressed mom in this article seems to be always single--where are the dads? Parenting is a 2-person job, yet no mention of the dad's role. If the mothers in this story really exist their lives seem to be driven by fear, which is sure to be picked up by a young child who in turn will become fearful and anxious. Based on the lop sided perspective presented here, I was neglected because I could go out and play with friends all day, then just show up at meal times, without anyone having a crisis attack. Sounds like it is the mothers who are the problem here not the children.
1
Don't forget- have your kid declared dyslexic or with ADHD to get them extra test time
3
@usedmg
This is cruel. Parents of Adhd and dyslexic children do double-time parenting. Parents of kids on spectrum even more so. There is a special place in heaven for these parents. I suggest you walk a day in their shoes before you cast judgement.
6
This comment is insensitive. My 10 yr old brother has ADHD and I can tell you with full confidence that this is a real condition that affects families. My brother had to take the ISEE this fall and although we were unable to get testing accommodations, it undoubtedly would’ve helped him finish the test and do it to the best ability that he could. It’s people like you that make it so my brother can’t get the proper help in school that he needs. People just don’t understand that he’s not a problem child and that he cannot control his impulses. My brother is not able to control or censor the actions and thoughts that go through his head and is mostly not able to stop himself from making a terrible decision. My parents were not the cause of this, he has been this way since he was very little. It’s been hard to find him a school since he is very smart but is unable to focus in school. He’s too difficult for normal school and too smart and behaved for specialty schools. I hope that you do your research on kids with these conditions before you attack a whole group of people with your insensitive comments.
2
@usedmg Be careful with that. The way the world is going, having dyslexia or ADHD on your medical record can bar you from jobs in some companies and industries.
The implied problem is that of a parent's fears imposed onto one's child. If one reads the saying, if you love it let it go, then giving a child free time is really freedom for the child to discover his/her identity, gain authorship over one's choices, and self-manage safety, increase self-confidence.... My fondest memories are from times I got lost in the city on purpose at age 10 while biking around and finding my way back. With my 2 children, I give them their needed alone time as well as playtime without supervision. It makes them responsible and aware, conscientious and self-controlled, balanced and attuned to their environment and to each other. My children have a playborhood where they may play with other children freely simply by putting on their shoes and going outside on their own. Yes I worry, but isn't that my problem and not my children's issue?
2
@vinit
I too am a great believer in giving children freedom--like letting them take public transportation on their own in order to go to summer sailing class in downtown Boston. They loved it!
Over the years I have come to realise that as a father my role in raising my children was that of a sheepdog--so long as the sheep were safely grazing I stayed out of the way and left them alone. But once any one of them strayed I was snapping at their heels to get them back to the pasture.
2
The backlash is warranted! This parenting ideology is subtly toxic to all parties, and one doesn't need to look hard to see the evidence. France embodies most things the modern American liberal strives to be, and yet modern American liberals take zero queues from the French parenting style?
In the 60s, it was called the baby trap. To a certain extent we need bodies and someone has to do the messy job of manufacturing of manufacturing them, sacrificing their best years. The child has no choice in being here and may become another child manufacturer. Armies need soldiers afterall. It's a suckers game unless you belief in an afterlife another ssd suckers game.
We have wrecked the planet and procreation, most of which is unplanned according to studies, is part of the destructive path consuming resources and people and eventually mankind.
The of averages would say that most people are wrong so a few can be right. Most people procreate regardless of the sacrifice. The rest make better use of their lives without throwing a child into the machine without a choice to participate.
The evolutionary machine needs DNA to mutate and take a swing at surviving.
Madness.
3
I’m a very engaged parent, but I find it ridiculous that some parents attend every game, every performance (even the same play every single night it is performed), and supervise or chaperone every activity.
Get a life! Allow children to have their own lives!
3
Let's start by providing equal school funding for poor communities as rich communities!
4
So true!
I teach in a very affluent community 14 miles from my home, in a public school district. The resources available to teachers and students there are extraordinary....and so much more than what my daughter’s local school district offers. It is hard to believe that both districts are public school in the same state.
>“Intensive parenting is a way for especially affluent white mothers to make sure their children are maintaining their advantaged position in society
And how does this manifest itself in reality? Socially. A narcissism of small differences becomes the focus of the upper class.
2
“My job was not to entertain them. My job was to love them and discipline them.”
So much this.
5
How ironic that the lead photo shows a single mother with her son, when studies have shown clearly that boys raised without a father have a significantly lower chance of success in life.
3
@Michelle the Economist The father co-parents...
Americans have gone insane from too much individualism, capitalism, and competition. Not to mention fear - of strangers, failure, poverty. We need to put on the brakes and jump off this merry go round before we lose the reasons for living altogether. We need less work, more boredom, closer family and community ties, and fewer devices.
6
I observed a young mother watching her boy play with a stick. He was using it to sweep up fallen leaves in the park. When he began picking them up with his hands to pile them up, she stopped him, yelling "ooo that's gross, don't pick up the leaves with your hands!" He ignored her at first, no doubt knowing she was being stupid, but then he complied.
This is just wrong, wrong, wrong. But it's probably how she was raised. I watched my baby boomer sister raise her children with utter permissiveness, and as a result, they were rude, arrogant, self-centered, slow to mature, and ill-behaved. They have not completely outgrown this as adults, either. When generation after generation repeats the mistakes of their elders and ignores the wisdom of the eldest, it is a recipe for disaster. And so, we have millienials, widely known to be rude, snarky, pushy, inconsiderate, unethical, obnoxious, self-centered, drunk, and entitled. And I mean known by other young people to be that, not just my observations and experience. Did it begin with Dr. Spock, or do we need to bring him back? Tiger Mom is wrong. So is helicoptering. Children need structure, punishment, discipline, behavioral guidelines, manners, and the freedom to play and experience the world on their own. In the 1960s, children were warned to not take candy from strangers, and not get into their cars. Children listened. And continued to play outside, to walk home from school, to be on their own. Times are no more dangerous now.
3
The opportunity costs of having children are highest for those parents we as a society would most like to have offspring. Sadly, the converse is also true. If the human race wants to preserve the Earth’s environment and eventually travel to other habitable planets, we will have to seriously consider strict population control and eugenics. The current hands-off approach has been an ecological and genetic disaster and will likely lead to a mass extinction of so-called homo sapiens.
5
@Earl W.
The reason for the population explosion in Africa (and consequent depredation of the environment and migrant pressure on Europe) is that personal status in West Africa is directly proportional to the number of children one has. because respect a woman gets from her peers correlates with fecundity, the motivation to procreate is high.
1
@Kai Thanks for pointing that out. How sad to think that someone's main purpose in life is to thoughtlessly bring children into the world. More important, just because an entire continent chooses to live their lives in this way doesn't mean the West should support these extremely poor choices by providing direct aid or open borders.
4
I read this article with growing disbelief. Stop! Please. Where is the common sense? "Even now that he’s 12, she rarely has him out of sight when he is home." No, no, no, no.
4
There are two phases of parenting, and this article does not acknowledge them.
1. Pre school, 0-3 or 0-4
2. Thereafter.
Your article only applies to the Thereafter portion. During school years, parenting-time may indeed have increased. But in preschool years, it has decreased.
What if the pre-school portion is the more relevant time, for instilling security and stability?
0-3 has seen a major *contraction* in time spent with children over the last 40 years. Babies are increasingly sent to daycare and given 1:5 adult attention instead of 1:1 parenting.
After investing in 1:1 attention for the first 3 or 4 years, it is much easier to gradually loosen one's grip and adopt free-range parenting habits. You have been present for early development: gradual, inexorable, trust based. You are a more confident Mom, w a more confident kid, and no guilt.
As a former SAHM I am just STUNNED to think anyone thinks any preschool can do a better job of "teaching" a baby than a family member who loves them attentively and keeps them close. It's collective insanity to suggest babyschool "benefits" anybody but seriously deprived kids with catatonic or abusive mothers.
Our anxiety epidemic is rooted in early neglect, via all day rising cortisol (measured in daycare) and separation from one's attachment figure. The power elite is as blind to this as the right wing is to climate change, as it is a blow to feminist orthodoxy to admit babies need parents and quantity time.
8
@ Megan
You got this!!!!
Thank you
At my age 66 I remember thinking in 1970 at age 18
Feminism?!
Yeah right !
Unpaid maternity leave for 6 weeks then daycare for baby under bright lights in a germ rich environment with low skilled fill ins for real degrees and real teachers and baby nurses.
Our early 60’s / 70’s ERA feminists allowed Shaflys ascendancy and we all missed the point.
Moms .... grand moms are needed. !!!!!
Real aunts and real dads and grand pops are needed. Not playland daycare till age 5.
New moms. If you are professionals used to making a lot of money with partners that expect main mom/ dad to figure it all out lean in to being a mom at home for a few years.
If u can really afford to stay home or just work very part time do it. !!!!!!
We have the youthful ennui we see today because of our 40 year experiment with full time daycare and exhausted parents.
Poor kids get a double whammy of neglect.
Subsidized daycare in really disgusting environments.
I generalize for a reason. Exceptions exist and success too but rare if you dump a baby in a corporate daycare.
Poor moms and dads do not have choices.
America !
2
@Megan Almost all French babies go to daycare at 3 months old, but their kids aren't suffering from any kind of mental health epidemic.
2
I can’t believe this article didn’t address at all the influence of technology and social media on parent’s ability “to parent.”
6
Listen, it is a more dangerous world and parents need to be on top of things and the increasing number of single parents mean that they are going to do twice the work (theoretically) as a two parent home. But whether it is one or two parents, they are in charge of guiding their kids into life and we all choose to do it in different manners.
As we view our fellow citizens out in public it is easy to think that some parents are spoiling their kids. But be sure to consider that unless you know the intimate details of the family you do not know what premises they are parenting under. 10,000 kids are diagnosed with cancer every year. Every week thousands of kids lose a treasured pet. A grandparent passes on. Kids have bad colds, tooth aches and sore throats. They're bullied at school. Think back to your own lives; ever had a bad day?
Tie that into the internet and social media and the exposure of our kids to violence and sexual garbage that wasn't out there when we young. Add all the prevalent drugs. Now you get the picture. Most parents are doing what they can, the best that they can, so please America, just lighten up... or lend a hand.
5
@Bill Cullen, Author
Thank you.
1
@Bill Cullen, Author
It's not a more dangerous world, Bill. That's a perception, not a fact.
I'm exhausted just reading this. I don't have children. I don't want them. The world is absolutely full and needs no more humans.
But I feel for these parents - I truly do. They are driving themselves and their children insane.
5
Poor little Isaac has anxiety and can't sleep, so his smothering parents shift their schedules to smother him some more. A more perfect anecdote for our broken society there could not be.
There is no recession in sight for psychiatrists and rehab counselors...
6
Today’s parents are absurd. When I was growing up, if we told my mom that we were going to the quarry to swim, she yell out don’t drowned and be back by dinner. Today she’d need to hire a lifeguard, or be held accountable.
Fortunately, I was smart enough and didn’t have the hubris to bring life out of the void into this madhouse.
Good luck
2
Re: "While fathers have recently increased their time spent with children, mothers still spend significantly more."
And:
"And mothers were the ones expected to be doing the constant cultivation."
The NY Times, as per usual, slights men. Men are primary providers who have the same old restrictions as sole provider. They spend more time at work than their wives and have longer commutes. They are expected to raise the income that allows mothers to choose part-time work or staying at home full-time raising the children. They are often locked in oppressive jobs.
'Course, The Times cares not.
But remember: No one does anything without a payoff. That applies to women also.
“A Comprehensive Look at Gender Equality: The Doctrinaire Institute for Women's Policy Research” www.malemattersusa.wordpress.com/2012/02/16/the-doctrinaire-institute-for-womens-policy-research/
3
Your role as a parent is not to make life easy for your children. This approach will result in selfish decisions that will exacerbate some of our society’s worst problems. Your role as a parent is to know deeply the world you wish to
live in for ALL children and fearlessly pursue it. Your children will grow up in awe of your ability to offer clarity, possibility, and power for a better world!
2
You can not buy your way into good parenting. Period.
Grateful that I was left to my own devices. My friends and I were outside most of time. We roller skated, rode our bikes, climbed all over everything, flew kites, played baseball, did stupid stuff and had so much fun. We learned independence and explored. We were all thin and healthy. I did not hover over my kids. The point of being a mom is work your way out of a job.
2
This is ridiculous, I’m an only parent living in an upper-middle class college town and I have never read a parenting book in my life unless you count “the Emperor’s embrace” about fatherhood in the animal world. And my kid is on her way to a very successful future- no coddling, helicoptering or micromanaging on my part. I make sure she has the basic resources she needs and get out of the way.
The end of the article shocked me...if you are monitoring and coaching your child so closely, how could everything “just fall apart” at any moment? This made me very sad...
3
My parents, born in the early 20th century, and their peers, would not know whether to laugh or cry at some of today's child micromanagers.
The mom is anxious; the child is anxious. Anxiety pervades this entire piece.
4
My sister was a relentless parent
I was free range parent
It caused much friction between us.
All our kids.... middle class
Moneyed kids get a step up
Look at our president
He would be jailed by now if middle class.
4
Glaring omission in this story - there are no quotes from male or male single parents like me, who are facing the challenge of working while raising children with struggles or disabilities. Men are parents too!
6
What about parents with special needs kids like autism - how should they be “parenting”?
I don’t think this comes with rules - to each his own. And yes if someone has more resources sure they should use them to advance the kids achievement. It’s called natural selection.
2
Congrats to all you helicopter parents who have raised infantilized adults who can't cook, clean, make friends, occupy themselves, or explore on their own, much less make major life decisions. You have not done them, or the rest of us, any favors. Stop, please stop, creating fragile, immobilized incompetents who can't function without their parental keepers unless you plan on being their employers, landlords, chauffeurs, decision makers and de facto life partners until they die. Good luck figuring out how that's going to work. And the rest of us will all hope there is no major catastrophe that actually requires these perpetual babes to respond to a wide spread situation as clear thinking adults.
2
The phenomenon described in this article significantly contributed to the breakup of my marriage.
Attempts for my own time, and especially for couple time with my spouse, even for no longer than it might take to finish a quick conversation, were viewed as neglectful. Attempts to encourage any kind of self-reliance in the children, let alone any move to impose any sort of discipline/organization on their lives (i.e., expecting them to dress themselves when they entered elementary school or to place their dishes in the sink after eating), were characterized as downright abusive. The words "Go play" did not exist in my spouse's vocabulary.
A specific complaint levied during the divorce was my apparently monstrously selfish decision to read a paperback at the playground while my children played. This was cited quite earnestly as evidence of my total indifference towards them at best and my unfitness as a parent at worst.
Teenagers now, my children have arrived for Christmas with suitcases packed by my spouse. I encourage independence and self-reliance when appropriate and possible, but when they finally face the world on their own I worry greatly that they will lack the skills they need, because they have been persistently denied (both at home and at school) nearly every opportunity to develop them.
Oh, and just for the record? I - the selfish, neglectful, blanket-sitting parent (the HORROR!!!!) - I am not the children's father, but their mother.
18
I chanced to read a poem by William Blake that seems apt to parenting.
"He who binds to himself a joy
Does the winged life destroy
He who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity’s sunrise"
To me this is essence of parenting. Your children are unalloyed, pure, joy for you. As someone once said they are your heart walking around outside of you. Besides your spouse they are your one sure discovery of Love.
Yet we do them no service if we grasp and try to hold them to us. We end up destroying that which we love. Instead parents should try the art of the birds; teach your children to fly based on the talents that reside within them, then step back and let them do so.
Your joy, as you watch them soar, will remain undiminished. And when all is said and done, if you can summon this strength, you will always be remembered by them with love and affection. Which as a parent is as it should be, isn't it?
John~
American Net'Zen
1
It's Christmas morning & I have turned my teen away from my door 4x since 6:50, because I bought the presents, so I get to say when they're opened. I catered to my children's needs & demands all through their youngest years, until they started high school. At that point I pulled back from doing everything for them. They do their own laundry. Make most of their own meals. Get themselves out the door to school, on the bus. They each have ONE extracurricular activity at any given time. I don't hover over their schoolwork & friendships. And while they're both honors & AP level students, I'm zero percent stressed about their college plans, because they will be adults at that point. We're very close, despite my 'negligent' parenting; they tell me a lot more than their friends tell their parents, because they know I respect their paths of self-discovery. I'm here to provide advice & guidance; not coddle them through adulthood because they never learned to function independently. Over-involved parents create socially immature monsters, lacking in critical thought & decision-making skills. Give kids some room to breathe & maybe get a hobby, so you have something to do when your kids leave home. Or let them live with you forever, wondering why they have trouble dating/working/adulting while you wash their undies & slave over a hot pan of Kraft Mac & Cheese, until you drop dead & they find your body only when they get hungry or need help changing the toilet paper roll.
4
This story provides a foundation. For America allowing thousands of illegal immigrants, at any time, to become dependent on nonexistent US government resources. As America struggles to nurture her own children into productive adults. America needs to see her self, then be honest with herself --- and the world.
1
If these helicopter parents put a fifth of the effort into a global Green New Deal and nuclear disarmament as they do into “parenting” their children might actually have a chance of a decent life (or just life) in 30-odd years.
6
Thanks to the author of this piece for providing me yet another reason to be REALLY glad that I chose not to father children.
1
What a seemingly miserable existence for that child in Cleveland. Failure, fear, and floundering are all character builders. Every minute with a parent? I wouldn't make my worst enemy spend all their precious time with me. I couldn't be prouder of my four children, all of whom benefited greatly from learning to make decisions on their own, free from the mania of their parents.
2
I spent a decade tutoring high school students from wealthy suburban families. Mostly it was at their homes, so I got the opportunity to observe many family dynamics and to talk to the parents a lot. You would have thought these white, upper class children would have been raised the same way — certainly their dining rooms looked the same and the college stickers on rear car windows showed keen awareness of status marking. But inside the families was a remarkable diversity of parenting styles, all of it loving, but each one unique. The children/young adults were all very different — most curious, intelligent, and engaged. Some were pretty lazy. Some were anxious. One was mentally ill. Another addicted to porn. But most were just individuals I enjoyed talking with and helping them learn. I saw no crisis. I hope we emerge from this latest anxiety-driven parenting age to one where parents relax and realize that children cannot be infinitely molded, supervised, and enriched. They are largely who they are. We can provide them with some opportunities. But what they do, whom they befriend, what interests them, how hard they work, who they aspire to become — these are their choices and paths.
1
Lots of doing regular everyday stuff together..do the laundry, make beds, read a book, make some soup...do a craft, take our lunch to the park, ride the bus to the library. Ah, to be a grandparent. Slow down and give lots of hugs and kisses. It's over too soon.
5
Hello Claire. Since you write about “gender” I thought it might be helpful to remind you that fathers also raise children. Some of us are even stay at home dads. You wouldn’t be able to tell this by reading your article, yes, it’s true.
Also, one of the things that leads parents to believe they need to smother their children with “opportunity” are articles that talk about this sort of behavior by discussing it as if it’s about to it as providing their children with opportunity instead of what it really is: bolstering their own sense of self-worth & validating their parenting.
There is no right way to parent, despite what every single book on parenting tells you. Here’s the golden rule: love your kids & let them know you love them. (And stop reading books & articles about it.)
2
Dawn Dow, the author of Mothering While Black cited in this article who remarked that black mothers today are making decisions to protect their children from “early experiences of racism”. I have long thought that it would help race relations if schools didnt incorporate the history of slavery and MLK into the elementary and middle school curriculums; imagine what this does to 7 year old minds that learn that their ancestors were slaves.
1
1970s kid here. If I had ever said “I’m bored,” my mom would have given me a bucket of soapy water, a rag, and a roll of contact paper and told me to reline the kitchen shelves. And she would have happily sat and read a book while I did it.
5
My impression is, this hovering parenting style began, when more women acquired higher education and started having children later in live. The farther away from one's own childhood the more worried one gets about all of life's curve balls. The more anxious the parents, the more anxious the children!
4
@dm - So what are you suggesting? That women shouldn’t have higher educations and should have all their kids by 25? How, pray tell, are they going to support those kids if they don’t have the educations to get a good job in the first place? Also, fathers factor into this equation. I would have loved to have had a child by 29/30, but it was impossible to find a man who wanted to settle down and have kids at that age. Now I’m 37 and will either not have kids at all or will end up being one of those “late in life” mothers whom you decry as the source of all their children’s anxious ills. Go away.
This isn’t about women who are so far removed from their childhoods that they can’t think straight. This is about ridiculous parenting standards to which all women, be they 25 or 45, are held. That is what needs to stop, and what also needs to end is this constant blaming of women for everything, all the time.
3
Last night I was going through my mother's effects and found a letter that our daughter sent her when she was 14 (she's now 33 and a happy, well-adjusted doctor...):
"Dear Nana, (...) My report card was very good and I got lots of 1s (As). When you get a 1, you're allowed to go somewhere on the train by yourself, so four of my friends and I took the train to lake Tegernsee, about an hour from here. We took the boat all over the lake and went swimming even though it was very cold. We had a great time!"
Thank God we've raised our kids here. I can imagine the howls from American parents: Teenagers? Going somewhere that far away from home without adult supervision? They could have gotten lost! Kidnapped! Drowned! Molested!
We never even had 'The Talk' with our kids: don't go anywhere with a stranger, never let anyone touch you if you don't want them to...
We also let them pursue their own interests. Our daughter did music and sports on her own; our son played video games in his room all day.
Now, at 33 and 29, they're both lovely people, have good jobs, great partners, and are both very active physically.
If I had raised them in America, I don't know whether I could have stood firm against the group pressure to keep one's kids under lock and key the whole time, because what if...
2
"Mothers who juggle jobs outside the home spend just as much time tending their children as stay-at-home mothers did in the 1970s."
If this is so, and no reason not to believe it, then the Mom's of today deserve praise for their sacrifice. And their on track because the stay at home Mom's of the 70's knew what it took to raise children, a full time job.
Happy Holidays to all the Moms
1
In my observation (lifetime educator) this type of hovering sends the message that the child is incapable of caring for his or herself. Children are a fearful neurotic mess. Witness the rising level of suicide among middle schoolers reported in this paper. Lighten up.
1
This is another article portraying white people, especially mothers, as using their resources and privilege to get their children unfair advantages in society. As is now typical in such articles, Asian American families are invisible or ignored. Asian men are now the highest income earners in the US, with high disposable incomes to lavish on their children. “Tiger parenting” is a form of intensive parenting that is common in Asian families. Asians are significantly over represented at elite educational institutions given their overall percentage of American society. The success of Asians in American society, and the displacement of whites by Asians atop the socioeconomic ladder are inconvenient facts for left leaning social academics. Too many academics have been trained or pressured to churn out articles that follow a narrative of white privilege and widespread racism regardless of actual facts and changes in society.
3
Call me selfish but I am so glad I don't have kids! I would have made a terrible parent. Kudos to those who are doing right by their kids.
4
No wonder Isaac feels stressed and anxious, he doesn't have a moment to himself!
I had my sons in 1983 and 1986 and I worked full time once each turned 1. I parented like this. My sons looked at photos when they were little and asked why I looked older then. Because I was exhausted.
No day care for my sons...child molesters might get them (thank you McMartin day care scandle/hoax). Dad worked nights, I worked days.
Time with my partner...non-existant. I was a married single parent as was he.
There was nothing my sons lacked that day care could provide. Grocery trips were all about colors, counting. Another Mom and I wandered behind as 4 kids rode bikes in the neighborhood.
Book before bed, cuddle time before bed. Home cooked meals after work. They had lives children with stay at home Moms had. Me, I was tired but this was also the happiest time of my life. Taught me to be super organized.
My sons are both successful in their chosen professions and as human beings. I am proud of them. I regret nothing.
3
What gets me is how many people seem to feel you just *have* to do these things as a modern parent. Guess what? Just like so many other societal conventions, you *don't* have to follow the rules, you get to be your own person and do your own thing!
People seem totally frozen at the idea of going against the status quo and, say NOT over scheduling their children, for example. Why not do something totally crazy and daring and do what you feel is best and what you want to do rather than what everyone else is doing? Wait, that's crazy!
4
"...became clear that Isaac had some challenges like anxiety and trouble sleeping." Is it any wonder why?
1
In this piece the character "parents" is treated like a commodity, as though there's some standard parent when there is not. Some parents spend 25 hrs a week turning out little wannabe jocks who balk at writing or math, some little hunter fishermen, some spelling bee contestants and some nasty little bigots. There is no judgement to be made on whether a parent should be all over his kids head for hours a week, unless you know the particulars of the parent.
2
"Calling employers after their adult children interview for jobs."?!
Any parent who calls an employer following an adult child's interview has flunked parenting 101.
2
Yeah it is hard being a parent but you know what? My son is the one person I want to spend my time with. He’s nearly 6 and he loves doing things with me and I appreciate him. Nothing is better than reading or playing a game with my son.
They’re our children not obstacles.
2
Like many of the commenters, I grew up in the 1970s and early 80s, roaming free, almost no “activities” outside of school, etc. Now I’m an older mother to a second-grader in a small Eastern city and an grateful that here, at least, some of that 70s mentality exists. HOWEVER, there are a number of societal pressures on parents now that I don’t think existed in the past. Other commentators have mentioned judgment or fear from CPS - I had a police officer drive by and chastise me for letting my naked toilet-training toddler play supervised in our own yard. My friend had a creepy stranger follow her kids (both under age 10) around the block only to yell at her about the dangers of letting her children walk around a residential neighborhood unsupervised. And most kids just want to be around their parents so any percentage of hovering, over attentive helicopter parents in the mix tends to ruin the fun for the rest of us. If your kid sees Jim’s dad or Sara’s mom playing or carrying a backpack or whatever, your kid is going to want that also. It requires constant vigilance to try to encourage all of that independence. There are some playmates I dread having in my house because they require constant moderation and interference from adults to function. What is the answer? I try not to cave to all the societal pressures but it’s stressful to be fighting it all the time.
4
US kids now have to compete against the kids from all over the world. 30 years ago before internet and CommonApp and before the fall of Communism it was hard for foreigners to apply and enroll to US Unis. In addition, kids from Soviet Union, Vietnam, Eastern Europe, and even China could not come to study in the US. US private Unis have the same enrollment as 30 years ago but many more kids apply.
2
As someone who doesn’t have kids but who has several friends who do, here’s what I’ve observed:
Parenting is, as others here have noted, drastically different now than it was when my peers and I were kids in the 80s and 90s. No one plays outside anymore; parent-arranged “play dates” are the norm; and you are expected to be on top of your kids 24/7 or you’re not just a bad parent, you’re a neglectful one. Kids need to be in a million activities or they’re not having an enriching childhood; people are terrified of CPS getting called if they let their kid out of their sight; and kid birthday parties are now “invite the whole class” elaborate off-site shenanigans that will set the parents back hundreds of dollars. (A colleague told me that for young children’s parties especially, parents are expected to stay for the duration of the event and the kids’ siblings often show up in tow, so food and entertainment for these groups is also required or you’re seen as a bad host.)
Here’s what I’ve also observed: the happiest parents aren’t necessarily the ones with the easiest kids but the ones who don’t let these crazy “expectations” run their families’ lives. Their kids aren’t enrolled in everything, they are given play time at home, screen time is limited, and they are expected to develop their imaginations along with their manners. Oh, and the kids don’t go everywhere: mom and dad allow themselves adult lives every now and again. Parenting shouldn’t be made harder than it has to be.
3
"Time spent on activities like reading to children; doing crafts; taking them to lessons; attending recitals and games; and helping with homework has increased the most."
What's so bad about that? As an affluent white woman with little kidlets and a flexible job, I have a chance to do this kind of intensive parenting. It is an incredible gift. It's fun and rewarding. And I'm going to revel in it, because I want to appreciate this undeserved blessing that Heaven and the Fates have granted me.
Yes, I read to my kiddos whenever I can. And guess what? My kid is the only one in all my family and friends who reads my favorite comic books. He loves the weird folk music that I do. We can talk about them together more than I can with most adults.
And, when I was in school, organized sports helped transform me from a weedy little nebbish into a weedy little nebbish with friends. So I'm going to encourage my kids to do sports too. And harp lessons, capoeira, go club or whatever else strikes their fancy. (We're a hipster family in case you couldn't tell).
It's all about balance. Merry Christmas!
4
Tough call on raising my kids like I grew up in Toronto, Canada during the 1980s. if I let my eldest son roam the streets on his bike when he turns 6, I'll be staring at a jail cell. I'm a full time dad during the day while working nights, so I'm with my toddler kids all day. My wife and I do a lot for our sons, but I also pretend that I am their secret service. With the substantial increase in crime where I live west of Toronto, I am constantly scanning my environment and watching for the slightest inkling of a hold and secure situation (2 in the last month). A man shot a woman in the face in front of my son's pre school and this year, we had 2 murders on our street (we are middle class) and a 14 year old was killed next to my friend's house. I'm not sure what would be worse, being there for my kids (maybe a little too much), vs going to a funeral for one of my kids. It's a real hard call that I guage everyday to the point of near paranoia.
3
Kids need freedom to roam and explore and yes sometimes make mistakes. But kids learn from mistakes and they grow up with lessons learned.
I was a single parent. Worked full time. Was not able to helicopter. When my children turned 18, i gave them a hearty Happy Birthday! Your an adult and now eligible for the death penalty...make good choices!
3
this article says parenting is difficult, then all the references and quotes are from mothers. No wonder we're maxed out.
The cultural pattern in the US is to underdo things in infancy and then overdo them thereafter.
The one timeframe when parental consistency and presence is really important is infancy and toddlerhood. Now, tiny babies are dropped off for 10 hour days.
So the extra hours being put in are not with babies...
4
Why make your life such a misery? Only you can defend your time against the so-called experts. I did watch my son like a hawk when he was little for what I perceived to be safety issues. I know the actual stats show that harm to your child is highly unlikely but I couldn’t accept even the smallest risk. But I refused to entertain my son. If he’s bored it’s on him. Things seem to be fine - as a teen, he’s responsible and can take care of himself and I don’t worry about him. Isn’t that the goal? To produce a person who is well- adjusted and, as much as possible, happy?
Here in Summit NJ, parents want to be able to drive their middle school kids right up to the front door and watch them ENTER before pulling away.
98% of the kids have cell phones by 5th grade, lessons or tutors after school, and then have their weekends planned out with sports or other activities.
It is a real shame kids aren't kids anymore around here.
1
As a native New Yorker growing up I the 70’s Im starting to get worried if I send my kid down to the store by himself I’ll get arrested for not taking care of my kid. No wonder I never see kids in the streets or in stores. I remember being 4 and my mom said want cookies go down and get em. I went through cash register at key food by myself and people asked who I was with. But I got the cookies crossed the street and was home. I’m not sure if my career or anything like that is better or worse for it. Teach kids to function and they will! Hopefully at least. In doubt keep nurturing.
This belief explains many things: why humanities departments in colleges are shrinking and starved of funds--English, foreign languages, except possibly Chinese, history, philosophy; why computer science, economics, and business classes are over-subscribed; why government and foundation grants are available for cancer research, robot technology, and meteorology are plentiful.
Why young people have less fun, and pine for fantasies like Harry Potter.
1
"Over just a couple of generations, parents have greatly increased the amount of time, attention and money they put into raising children. Mothers who juggle jobs outside the home spend just as much time tending their children as stay-at-home mothers did in the 1970s."
Can someone please explain to me how:
"greatly increased the amount of time" =
"spend just as much time" ?!
@DJS
Because those without jobs outside the home spend even MORE time. Also, as numerous commenters have pointed out, fathers are also a thing, and they definitely spend more time with their kids than the average father did in the 1970's.
Kids come with no instructions and we flail through as best we can. Seems to me that the finest children grow up with a big daily dose of freedom in nature, along with a growing understanding of responsibility to love and be loved by their fellow human beings, instilled by the adults around them.
1
All these comments are about how much better it was back in the day — and not addressing what the article is getting at. In this country, our lack of paid family leave, childcare, and even university are a huge hindrance to our country’s progress.
Please keep this in mind when you vote. the US needs to supports working parents.
3
And this is why I chose to stay child-free. I spend money and time and energy on my personal enrichment and my wife's.
1
American education has become an arms race in which what is considered "enrichment" is shaped by elite educational institutions and used not as a way to broaden a child's worldview but instead as a way to have the edge on someone else's child in positioning the child for a lucrative career. The very premise is diseased and is the reason we are seeing so many anxiety-ridden children and parents (still mostly mothers).
1
"Helicopter parent" is an outdated description. Today's parents are "bulldozer parents". Parents need to learn to back off and give their children space to explore, to fail and to negotiate and navigate on their own. It's your child going to school, not you going back to school.
1
I turned to my 5 year old and said “the New York Times says I don’t need to play LEGO with you.” He is now happily chatting with himself, and doing something with rewrapping his presents.
I think it is kinda funny to have an article of this nature come out on a day when families actually might have the bandwidth to ignore or play with their kids to their heart’s content.
2
I never had kids but I remember, very well, a woman telling me that having kids was the worst thing that ever happened to her. That sunk in. I am past child bearing now and still feel like I dodged a bullet. I'm an entrepreneur and could never have done both. No way.
2
I don't know how anyone can even find the time to have children let alone give up the income to do so in this country.
2
I vote for free range parenting, which I and my siblings enjoyed. The helicoptered kids now in college cringe and cry when they hear a challenging point of view, or they rage in violent, infantile protest. While au pairs and tutors offer seeming advantages, the act of figuring things out for oneself has lifelong advantages that cannot be otherwise achieved.
1
The results speak for themselves: look at the millennials and post-millennials.
1
I have zero sympathy for these parents, unfortunately. Having children is a CHOICE. If you choose to have children, expect that each one of them becomes a full time job.
1
When my daughter was moved into an advanced first grade classroom, the teacher wanted to know which “enrichment courses” my daughter had taken. Silly me! I mentioned that my daughter and I had taken a “mommy and me” style course on introducing children to music when she was a toddler; that she had gone to (free) Friday playtime classes at a children’s museum from ages 3 to 6; and had taken swimming lessons. No, the teacher wanted to know if I had sent my then six-year-old to foreign language classes, classes to teach early reading and/or math skills, etc. I was the very uncool parent in first grade, I suppose, because I was not making my 6-year-old do three hours of homework each night along with having to be a star athlete, star musician, etc. No, my goal was to have a happy, healthy, and well-adjusted child. How did my kid turn out despite my being a single parent who did not push my kid into a zillion after school and weekend activities on top of piles and piles of nightly homework? My daughter, who is BTW mildly autistic, ran for student government her first year in undergraduate school and yes, she was elected. She went onto graduate school (at a program ranked 10th in the nation for her field) on a full scholarship. Most importantly, my daughter makes the right ethical decisions in life, has gotten and held jobs on her own without any meddling on my part, has many friends, and lives an honest and independent life. She is a kind person.
1
This is all a symptom of the over-individualization of American culture. These parents should be busy trying to change the parameters of social achievement -- more support for public education, paid child care for working mothers -- instead of buying into the false promise that you can pull yourself up by your bootstraps. You can, when the system is relatively fair; ours is not at the moment.
1
I didn't do any of that because, perhaps I am lazy but also because to me, the most important thing a child should learn is to take charge of their life.
I feel her pain.
We as a society must stop this nonsense. It cannot be done alone. We have to be okay with the possibility that one child may actually be harmed by having been left alone at home for a couple of hours.
As a mother of 3 school aged childen, have have spent thousands of dollars on babysitters and afterschool programs instead of just giving them a key to let themselves into the house alone.
Why? I didn’t want anyone to call the police - not because I thought they could not take care of themselves.
I would love my kids to be bored without me instead of bored when I am in the same room trying to finish a project I should be doing at the office. They cannot entertain themselves is I am there.
2
I have a good friend who grew up in Russia and is now raising two kids in Manhattan. She is the quintessential helicopter mom. She has a PhD from Yale Medical School but doesn’t work; every spare minute that the kids are not in school is spent with them, and at age 9 the older one, who does competitive chess and gymnastics, has absolutely zero free time, even in summer. I don’t know what makes her the parent that she is. Is it that successful people want successful kids? She went to Yale, so the kids must do at least that well? Is it the immigrant dream? I don’t know. All I know is her kids don’t play. At all. Ever. It makes me sad.
3
We’ve turned into Britain and France, educationally speaking. O levels and A levels.
1
Intensive parenting is like enriched helicopter parenting. All the moms around me are doing it and it seems ridiculous. I am a wealthy SAHM. Breast-fed, homemade baby food: yup. Sunscreen- duh. Those are important. Reading, cultural experiences and outdoor activities are a part of our life - all of that is great. I have no interest in an endless litany of play dates, lessons etc. My children are very young and have rarely experienced boredom (they will though because they need to learn how to cope with it). Like “Tired” my husband and I only get free time after our kids are asleep. But they are 2 and 5. I can’t wait until they are a bit older and can free-range or read or create independently. It is necessary because very important life and interpersonal skills develop when kids make their own decisions. U.S. society persecutes parents now. Strangers PANIC when they encounter my (happy) kids and haven’t id’ed the (trailing a bit behind but keeping watch) mom. The kindergarten teacher sent a note home when I didn’t return busy-work homework for a week (it’s the holidays we have been having fun). My kid achieves beyond grade-level and hits 100% of all benchmarks- ahead of time. Society would put me in jail as unfit even though my kids are thriving. USA institutional helicoptering has become insane. It is all to the detriment of our children. If you want to be a “tiger mom” ok go for it. Stop judging me. I can’t and won’t live like that.
article should have been called Relentlessness of modern Mothering. Hardly a comment was made about fathers, and not a single father was interviewed for the story. I guess they aren’t very useful, or important, when it comes to parenting.
This article and the so-called social science "research" cited in it is completely descriptive. Social science is an oxymoron; there's no science. Real science studies cause and effect. Sociologists and psychologists may be able to tell us what people do, but not how or why. As a result, telling us (i.e., parents) what to do is not based on any real science as, for example, when medical professionals tell parents to vaccinate their children. Then, in the comments section we get to read what individuals do or have done that are or are not consistent with the descriptions in the article. Almost completely uninformative...
1
Parents seem to underestimate the benefits of unstructured time!
2
We live in a world where if you have any level of affluence you quickly realize that your children must be in the top 10% Everything that follows be it intensive parenting or quarter million dollar college degrees is following this problem.
The more “hands on” part is not the solution, it’s the problem.
We “helicoptered” our daughter because we were able to and felt we could not say no to the constant parenting requests or expectations. We are now in the college process. We are being told she is a “white, girl from a private school” so her choices are being dumbed down. I’m flabbergasted. If all we are are boxes, what was the point of the schools, the grades, the leadership and test scores! Nothing else seems to matter to colleges even in a holistic review. Just a bunch of boxes. Waste of time and money. If I could do it again, free range!
2
This is a very touchy issue for me on Christmas morning! I put so much into my son, reciprocated only with ingratitude and blame! My ex and I always tried to create family dinner at home! I used to work 40 miles from home and would come dashing back, driving 90 miles an hour to be on time to pick up from band, if the ex who lived 2 mins away was out of town! Negotiated incessantly with the rich in-laws to support him thru Ivies! And the first thing the Ivies did was to brainwash him into believing that Mother was a toxic helicopter parent! The hatred since then has destroyed me! I was wondering just today about 2 families I know whose children are so wonderfully in the fold, marrying well, supported by their children, while I, in sickness and old age have become an Elder Orphan? While my son, a neurosurgeon, doesn’t have a minute or the decency to give a brief call?
2
I have a question for the audience. Can the child be taught at home till 3-4th grade ? My parents remember me having extreme separation anxiety in my 1st grade and me running back home after jumping the wall.
1
I have a 7 year old in Brooklyn, living right across the street from the park. I know let him go there by himself and play soccer with his friends. But it is definitely considered an oddity.
I’m from Europe som I personally find this over parenting completely nuts. In Switzerland children from 5 years old are supposed to walk to their school by themselves. You would be scolded by the teachers and socially judged IF you walked your child to school.
1
Inheritance is at the root of this issue. The accrual of assets over generations is immoral, inefficient, and causes all kinds of ripple effects that people seem willfully blind to.
Opportunity should not be gated by how rich your parents were. And children have done nothing to earn their inheritance, so there is zero moral logic to them getting a penny from their parents.
Pay for what you get. What happened to that?
So eating cold cuts in utero is now considered bad?? What about outide utero? Should I still be eating the holiday boneless ham I got from the food pantry?
@SJW
Yeah that cracked me up. It changes all the time. I don't remember being warned off deli meats when I was pregnant. Coffee, wine, yes - deli meats???
What about Teen access to Juul and Legalized Marijuana? Seriously,Corporate America isn't interested in Women's Health issues,like Pregnancy,Breast Cancer,and Day Care.
Very sad. Kids have no chance to figure out how to play on their own, form their own relationships and make their own mistakes. There is something manic and frenetic about this type of 'parenting' ...
1
I seldom realize so fully as when I read articles and comments like this how upper-middle or middle-class people really do feel "we" are all the same when "we" aren't. Many people, maybe most, work--both parents--and have children who carry responsibilities at home just fine, who understand for the most part living in a world that isn't ideal. Many kids work jobs as soon as they legally can. These parents love their children too, but their concerns aren't their own "exhaustion" or woes from being too effortful in their behalfs. Sorry you are so sad over your lives and kids. But you aren't "we" and can change these "problems" whenever you wish. Cheer up.
1
A warning: this feels like smother love. Given the ready access to guns in most families in the US, look for an up tick in kids killing their tormentors or themselves, as the only way out.
This isn't 'parenting'. It's obsession. it's also terrifying. And a complete denial that the kid brings anything unique or valuable to his or her own maturation. And we condemn the way the Chinese state educates its children?
To appropriate a well-known saying, 'Children are born free, but everywhere are in chains.'
It is amazing to read the amount of judgment in these comments, of people who parent differently from you, or who parent, period. Apparently, everyone commenting here does it exactly right. It's (other) parents who are doing it all wrong.
2
Just do the best you can. Be honest. Encourage them to laugh, to be compassionate, to welcome their friends into your home, and every single day tell them you love them.
1
Oh yeah it’s crazy out there. Super competitive to even to get into okay schools.
Parents that did nothing and left it to the kids are always surprised when their kid’s choices are super limited in today’s college admissions mayhem.
May not be right, but that’s the game right now.
And if you choose to ignore it, your kid is coming down many pegs and you better be ready to settle for less.
And the worst part, after you’ve done the full court press, if you don’t have a hook, much much harder.
Definitely an arms race right now.
4
Being really old has it downside -- stuff aches and you can't hear or see well. Still, after reading this, I am glad that my kids are now 58 and 61,and I am 88. We had it better, and we do have good memories. Even the grandkids are grown -- have beards and all. Gillette must be in real trouble.
Our kids were no problem. When I was a kid, it was even easier. You put on play clothes after school and went out. You came back at dinner time because you were starving hungry after all that aimless, wild and wonderful running around, with no adult supervision.
Classic Q&A:Q. "Where did you go A. Out!
Q.What did you do? A. Nothing!
Well, nothing that we would have cared to admit.
7
It's just plain "Anxiety" - not "Economic Anxiety".
The worst outcropping of this anxiety is the HOUR THAT SCHOOL LETS OUT in most towns. When did HUNDREDS of cars idling in line at school, waiting to pick up their precious cargo in hermetically sealed Priuses with "Go Green" bumper stickers, whisking them away to ballet or wherever, become a thing?!!!!
Whole areas of towns become a traffic and environmental nightmare. What happened to the first sense of independence kids had by taking the BUS?!!!
And furthermore - vaccinate your kids for theirs and everyones sake.
3
“Mothers who juggle jobs outside the home spend just as much time tending their children as stay-at-home mothers did in the 1970s.”
Well, yes. Only a surprise to those who believe stay-at-home moms tend children simply because they have nothing better to do.
3
Our ability to protect our children is only an illusion.
5
This is sad. Instead of working to overthrow a corrupt and unfair economic and political system, these desperate parents think that with enough help their kids will be able to game the system, i.e. go to an Ivy League college and get a good paying job. There are only so many spots in the Ivy League and there are only so many jobs for stockbrokers and hedge fund managers. The game is rigged. What this article is really describing is a competitive, dog eat dog mentality in which the younger generation is taught that it's every person for him/herself.
3
The NYT has run more than a few articles about how stretched today’s parents are and how much financial support they need, from they rest of us via government, that we and and our parents did not get. This article give a reasons for the most of the stretch. They, as fathers and mothers, have a deep interest in what child wins the race. I, as a taxpayer, could care less. As long as someone’s child wins the race, I am completely ambivalent about what little darling gets the gold medal. I don’t criticize them for spending their time and resources for their child. I do not think I need to devote more resources for their personal quest. The world has plenty of really impoverished people. We can take care of these people after we fix the other things.
Give up social media and see how much that changes the time dynamic, folks.
1
Sigh. This is my life. Single mother, working, not upper class, but it feels up to me to pave the way for the kid. Orelse.
I raise him to be independent but I also am told over and over again by everyone and anyone that I have to get to work asap on his high school application, preferably without even telling him yet. I don't understand. It seems to me that it would be a terrible lesson for my son to see that I split the New York City HS Seas for him, "but..." the good colleagues and random nice people on the train warn, "he won't get into a good high school... college... job..."
Of course it scares me! To let the kid be a kid and live with continued crushing poverty I experienced or to hold him up so he doesn't sink, because in 2020, sinking will mean falling off a speeding ferry?
This week I got an ominous letter from the public middle school notifying me that he had too many absences this year (for a bar mitzvah trip with his religious family, but an automated system keeps count of absentees) and that the ratio factors into HS applications. I could already see the implied outcome: the kid gets into a terrible HS because I didn't bother to spend a day screaming down the dean. He falls behind. Doesn't go to college. Drives Lyft and pays all the income to fees and lives in my "basement" (on the couch?) forever. The crisis, the panic! The fear!
I probably won't scream down the dean because I refuse to let my son think that this is my problem. But is it not?
1
It is worth taking a walk through Hasidic Brooklyn to see old-school parenting alive. The kids have no smartphones, they stand around a repair truck like it was a major event. There are so many kids out playing together, snowmen pop up everywhere within hours of a storm. The schools have the kids most of the time. Boys have zero homework and go to school six days a week, all year round. Kids are seen running errands as young as eight, taking the younger siblings with them. All adults pitch in. Kids are trained to ask Hasidic adults for help and the adults will be on the ready. A 12 year old can be sent with the baby to the doctor and an 8 year old can be put on the bus with instructions to the driver. Baby strollers are parked outside shops (with baby inside) while the parents shop. Often when I go by these strollers with my walking tours Hasidic women run into the shops to warn the parents that outsiders are seeing the baby alone. They are afraid we will report them to child protective services.
It isn't a utopia, but kids get to be kids.
Of course serious problems exist too, like children unable to articulate very serious emotional issues, adults unable to help, etc.
But it is striking to notice that the parents don't make this happen. The whole "village" is a parenting machine. Without the machine, no Hasidic parent could do this.
In the rest of NYC, the "village" just does nothing, except blame the parents.
6
Mostly, I let my kids play. I did home-school temporarily when the public schools failed them. However, looking back, I still could have done less, enjoyed more and possibly just given my kids the tuition money I paid to Harvard and let them invest it...they could have gone to some perfectly wonderful universities for free. I'd have more $ in my retirement fund and less anxiety over all.
4
There are a few issues here. The first is that parenting in America seems to be driven by the ideal of getting into an Ivy League school which is about more than academic performance, but having “the right” social, sports and musical achievements on your CV. In Australia some universities have better reputations than others, but there are no Ivy League universities as such and entrance is mostly based on grades, with some courses having specific requirements (eg. Medicine my require an interview to check that you’re a human being and artistic or writing portfolio’s for arts or writing courses.). What you study, provided it’s at a reasonably reputable institution, is more important than where (law and medicine being the most prestigious and competitive courses). Extra-curricula activities are important for enjoyment, personal development, fitness and friends or if you want to pursue a career in a specialist field related to your interests like sports, music, the arts or dance. Swimming lessons are a must for safety. While there are some tiger parents, especially those with a Chinese background, there is less probably less pressure. Secondly, juggling motherhood and career is stressful because you are trying to reconcile mutually conflicting obligations, in a society that is still designed for a full-time male breadwinner. While I think intensive parenting is unnecessary and possibly counterproductive, creating a stable and loving home does take time and energy.
8
As a mother of a 2.5-year old living as an expat abroad (I am American) I feel this pressure in the expat circles to make parenting all about self-sacrifice and who can raise their kid to be the "best" (ie fancy schools, private tutors, imported clothes, diapers, lotions, fancy parties, controlling every single aspect of their diet and recreational activities, imposing "rules" on everything and depriving children of social interaction out of concern they may get sick or pick up on "bad habits" of other kids). As a mother to a daughter, I am not sure this fixation on image and always having and doing the best is so great for her in the long-run. Of course I am concerned about her health and well-being, growth and education, but nowhere in this article is it mentioned about the importance of teaching our children to love themselves, to be kind and care about others. I also don't see much mentioned here about the importance of physical closeness and affection in the home (not only between you and your child, but also you and your partner, friends, etc). Isn't teaching our kids to love and be loved more important than raising a math prodigy who eats only organic food?
16
The details matter much more than when I was growing up in the 60’s. Missing an assignment or a page out of an assignment notebook didn’t make big impact.
However, My daughter’s teacher missed a notebook page she turned into a substitute teacher. When my daughter was assigned to a mainstream English class instead of Honors despite a straight A record I was told that that ONE missing page was the reason. I had to fight to make sure this was corrected and she was assigned to Honors English
Without a 4 year record of Honors English she would not have been admitted to the women’s Ivy she attended.
Attentive advocacy parenting is essential if your kid isn’t going to slip thru the cracks. Nerve racking but you have to do it if you want your kids to succeed.
2
When my son was fifteen or so, I told him that I had been far from the ideal high school student when I was his age, and that I wasn’t expecting perfection in deportment. So long as he stayed on the above side of average, there would be no complaints from me. In the end he did quite well.
None of us can ever know for sure what our children think of us. Our feelings about our own parents can take decades to come into focus. So I’m not about to write some half-baked parenting book explaining how sandpaper, Lego and goji berries are the surest path to Ivy League admission.
I was lucky. Hard work and common sense can improve a parent’s odds, but there are no certainties in raising children. Perhaps this is why we feel obliged to try as hard as we do.
9
This type of parenting is responsible for the dramatic increase in anxiety and depression in young people.
It’s also guaranteed to ensure that children will forever be unhappy, because they will think that rest and leisure and introspection are negatives rather than requirements for happiness.
25
And one more point - it would help if schools weren't always making parents responsible for their kids. Why do I need to sign their course syllabus? I'm not in the class. Why can't the school communicate this directly to the students - especially high school students? Why does every basic thing require mandatory parent meetings? In high school, I went to Mexico as part of my Spanish class. My parents weren't required to attend half a dozen mandatory meetings about it. My 8th grader goes to Washington D C. - the school spends almost a YEAR prepping us for this simple trip. Multiple mandatory meetings for patients. Endless warnings. Endless fundraising. The kids themselves were not included in any of this. Why are parents always doing too much? Schools require it.
48
I’m a teacher. I can at least address the signed syllabus: I have parents sign it so there’s proof that they’ll agree to let me do my job, in case they want to call a lawyer if their kid does something that has a consequence.
9
@anita
For parents, children are investments; for educators they’re a liability. All the dotted lines might seem onerous to you as a parent, but they protect educators from your wrath when you feel you’re not getting the return on investment you believe you deserve. We’ve allowed late capitalism to complete the transformation of children into private property, and this pits parents against educators and also forces parents to take up more educating tasks (hence the “relentlessness” of modern parenting). The only way out of this mess is to move towards a genuine model of collective child-reading where we treat children as social— not individual—investments and value the role that non-parent educators and mentors play in their lives.
3
As there are more and more things to buy in order to be at even the minimum baseline of American life, we sacrifice the more meaning aspects of life, as we desperately, fearfully, try to keep up buying all the products and services we feel our children need to survive (education, information, technology, healthcare etc...). This way of life is leading us to an increasingly less meaningful existance. Society is heading in the wrong direction, and I doubt we would even recognize the humans beings our great grand children will be, if we were able to meet them.
13
I think the problem is two-earner families. The consequences have been catching up with us for a long time. Imagine the difference in neighborhood dynamics if in every household one parent (and I'm not making any assumption here about which parent) was stay-at-home, devoted to child-rearing and building community relationships.
23
I'll always be thankful to my mother for this "educational" decision. We moved to Hawaii; I was 10 and enrolled in a private school.
The school pushed summer "enrichment" enrollment, so called my mother to discuss my "summer plans."
My mother's answer: "she plans to be a child this summer."
Beaches, hikes, snorkeling, aquariums, wandering Waikiki, taught me more than any classroom.
32
This is insanity. I grew up a latch key kid with a single hard working father and 3 siblings. We had the epitome of freedom in every sense. I have 4 young children now, and much of the time I actually think I’m doing them a disservice when I attend to them so much - so I don’t. I’ll tell you one thing I saw very clearly when I went to college; I could make decisions on my own, cook for myself, apply for a job so I had money, take the bus, and navigate life like an adult. I could do all of these things because nobody did this for me growing up, and nobody rushed in to save the day when I made mistakes. We as parents are all actually trying to raise adults! Let’s remember that.
40
I think the article mixes good things and some practices that may be excessive. Homemade baby food and healthy diet is great. Classes for infants a great thing for a mom to take a break, my son made great first friends there and me too. Music classes are great and everything else a kid likes, as soon as he/she is not overscheduled and parents can afford it. It’s also not practical to have a child playing alone outside in New York City before 11 or so. Stressing about the top school, when your child is 4 is probably excessive, but a good nurturing school is important. I enjoy the time I spend with my child, going to shows, museums etc. together. Yes, time is short, but it’s more a function of modern work than parenting, I think.
8
@Angelica I agree with your overall point, but wonder why kids under 11 are too young to play alone in New York? I grew up in Manhattan and played outside by the time I was about 7. My children grew up in Brooklyn and went to the store and to the park alone by around 8. My biggest fear was that they would not look when crossing the street. What was your concern?
1
@Robin Rogers
"My biggest fear was that they would not look when crossing the street. What was your concern?"
Gosh - that isn't enough?
2
I still spend tons of time with my...4 kids, but I dont care about winning every achievement award anymore.
Trump changed my outlook.
The fact is it wont matter what we do as parents if we cant deal with climate change. Even if we do deal with it, we may no longer be the world leader with endless opportunities.
What difference does it make between the second tier Ivy League and the state school if the number of opportunities shrinks too fast?
16
The real problem with all this parietal angst comes because with the ever increasing velocity of changes in both society and career requirements, what you invest in your child today may just be a worthless indulgence a few years down the road. Elementary students today may never attend a physical University in 15-years as many won't exist as physical campuses, and information will be instantly available via a biological interface or virtual reality between brain and internet, much like talking to Alexa, Surrey, or Google today. Who really needs a human teacher, or hovering parent when personal thoughts become reality, and vice versa ?
6
From the article I only see that the high maintenance parenting definitely help to create many job opportunities, but not much help for the children’s future economic advantages! There are hundreds, if not thousands of ways to get into good colleges, there are superb and not doing-too-well alumni from all colleges. I would rather to believe that we can help to maximize a child’s potential by nurturing them with love and support. BTW, should we define “ economic successful future“ first? Is it the only goal we want for our children or it’s actually a way we try to pave so we can boast in the future?
It’s nothing wrong that we wish our children were able to experience same happy childhood we went through, but we also have to make sure they are keeping up with current trends, by encouraging them reading the current events as well as discussion of the current events that they might be interested or must-know.
Please also note that no matter what you do, every child has different genetic uniqueness, and their neurons still need time to mature! Let the children to have time to know themselves instead of immerse them into a non-stop learning process.
11
Reading about Ms. Sentilles' anxiety over potentially missing an opportunity however small to micromanage her son's time makes me queasy.
I was raised with considerable freedom and never abused it. The same is the case with my own children. Yes, several times a week I could be seen chauffeuring them to this and that activity, but I did not monitor their every move or scheduled all of their free time with activities.
Giving guidance and opportunity, exposing them to different experiences, opening doors, that's one thing and of course as parents we all want to do that. But opening a door is all you can do. You can't shove them through the entrance way because this only fosters resentment down the line.
This may also be behind the high rate of depression and anxiety of today's college population. These kids, without their parents in tow to tell them every second of every day what to do and how to do it literally don't know how to live. They cannot handle any unstructured time because they never had any.
This is madness.
24
@Margaret, I work with college student health centers and this type of parenting is much of the reason for college kids’ anxiety and other mental health issues as you suspect. The latest diagnosis is “adjustment disorder” precisely because Mom and Dad have done it all for them. It’s backfiring big-time.
2
My thought is that parents’ time is best spent with their young children, and people at other stages of life should do the school volunteering, Little League coaching, etc. But most Americans volunteer only when their own child is in an activity and quit when their child ages out.
The families portrayed in the article complain about lack of support, but I see no example of anyone in the article actually offering support to other parents beyond a text. And, none of the young parents seem to have established a network of neighbors, relatives, or other young families whom they help and can sometimes call upon in return. We network for our careers but not for the important work of child rearing.
11
I work in behavioral health which includes working with college student health centers. This type of parenting is resulting in kids who don’t know how to function on their own, developing what’s called “adjustment disorder” along with serious anxiety issues among other mental health issues which only increase into young adulthood. I also work with therapists who report seeing kids as young as 6 for anxiety created by these pressures.
Parents, do your kids a favor - let them breath and learn to create a life. You can provide opportunities but step out and let them either fly or fail. Failure is an important teacher, something this type of parenting delays into adulthood when they finally gave up to life without mom and dad there to control everything.
28
What I find so patronizing in these comments are the ones offering "advice" or criticism from parents whose kids are now grown. I was a kid in the 1970's and 1980's. I grew up in an affluent area. My mom was a stay at home mom. She loves to criticize my generation of moms relentlessly. Similar to the comments here. The thing she doesn't understand is how VERY different our economic situation is now than it was for her. In the early 1970's, you could buy a nice house for the equivalent of what would now be $450,000. That same house is now more than $2 million. You could send your kids to great public schools. Now the great public schools are often in these uber-expensive neighborhoods. She was a stay-at-home mom - she spent her days doing crafts, going to coffee, volunteering at the school, volunteering at the church. She actually spent almost zero time driving us around to activities. This lifestyle is not possible today. Even both spouses working full time would not produce the level of income necessary to sustain it. And once both spouses are working, life in general becomes much more expensive (daycare, eating out, etc.). The economic reality for many people is what gives rise to the serious anxiety that drives modern-day parenting. If we are worse off than our parents in terms of quality of life, how will our kids fare?
55
Amen!! My husband and I both teach full-time and I have a second job on weekends. The mortgage on our mediocre house in a mediocre town (in MA) is 40% of our income, and that’s after generous down payment help from my father.
We’re almost 50 and living like my parents did at 25. If this is life for us now, our two kids are doomed.
(Disclaimer: we’re free-range parents. This anxiety has not driven us to parenting insanity.)
4
@BibleBeltOfSantaCruz
I’m sorry, but where do you live that a “decent” home costs 2 million dollrs? For reference, I live in Connecticut.
4
The middle class and middle class jobs are disappearing. Parents know their kids will either be able to compete at the very top or they will fall to the bottom. It's not like it used to be - get a job in a grocery store, eventually become manager, you're fine. No - today, you're filing grocery orders at Amazon, unless you've got the skills to direct Amazon's distribution centers. There is ONE director job, vs. a million people shoving stuff in boxes. We are all trying to make sure our kid becomes the director, not the starving box filler. There's very little in between. The other issue is it used to that if you had a strong skill in one thing, it was enough. For example, one could get work as a computer programmer, or as a physician. This used to be two jobs. Hospitals would hire two people to do two different tasks. Increasingly, such roles are for ONE person. That person needs to be a physician who is ALSO a programmer. Being "just a doctor" or "just a programmer" isn't enough to get the job. Parents are not crazy - we are responding to a hyper-competitive, global economy in which only a few will be comfortable, and the vast majority will struggle to meet their basic needs for housing and health care. College is so expensive, once a kid starts, they HAVE to compete it because they can't pay back the loans otherwise. The choice is not between wealth and middle class. It's between wealth and poverty. In this game of musical chairs, there are 20 kids and one chair.
44
Brought to you by the Mad Max Vocational Guide... besides, the "American Dream" is a fairy tale these days with our current class/income inequality economy we have now.
4
The goal of every mammalian parent is, as quickly as possible, to equip their progeny with the knowledge and skills required to be self-sufficient... Today's parent is far too concerned about how their children "feel" rather than how well equipped they are in making their way in the world... I grew up in the San Francisco of the early 70's... When I was 8, I walked 6 city blocks to school while my mother worked... A year later, I regularly walked 4 blocks to a supermarket to buy groceries for my after school care provider... If I forgot to get the "trading stamps", I had to go back to the store with the receipt to get them... Fast-forward fifty years... Though my children grew up in the 'burbs with all the trappings of the upper-middle class, my wife and I tried to raise them pretty much how we were raised as middle-class kids of the 60's and 70's including public school education... One child recently graduated from the Ivy League, works in NYC, and pays bills! The other is completing their sophomore year at the same school but spent the past summer working in Philly and paid bills... Bottom line: It's a jungle out there... Better get them ready for it...
12
This isn’t the parents faults. It is our society. No, we can’t all have the jobs at the upper salary ranges available. So why don’t we offer good living wages for all jobs? Why don’t we have health care for everyone? No parent wants their child destitute or unable to afford health care, hence the concern over their schooling. Hovering and overscheduling is no good, but swinging too far back the other way won’t be good either. Balance and moderation, it seems, is something our country struggles with in many ways.
We try to strike a balance with our kids. We don’t demand extracurricular activities. We don’t hover, but we reward good grades. Without our encouragement they wouldn’t care how they did in school. And they are too young to understand that it matters a lot. While there are stories of surprising successes, most people who do badly in school will not get good jobs. And a good job doesn’t mean being rich. It means affording health care and having enough money to save for retirement and live with dignity.
There are too few good jobs these days. And there is no security for anyone but the wealthy. This makes it such that it is too frightening to take risks. This isn’t the fault of parents. It is all of our faults for tolerating a system that stifles creativity and risk taking. And yes, it is the economic insecurity our capitalistic system creates that is at fault for this.
24
I have very much enjoyed the article and have found the comments interesting. What surprised me was that there was been no mention of the high expectations of school children today (and the constant testing!). My son is in kindergarten and the expectations for what he was to know already when he started... Let’s just say that I did not properly prepare him for first standardized placement test- that they give the first few weeks of school. Regardless, after a semester my kid is blowing it up in math and science but not yet reading at a level- that in my day would be considered a first grade or second grade level? He’s not developmentally ready. He can memorize the words but he doesn’t “get” the whole phonetics concept. So, my husband and I are expected to tutor him of course. In phonetics. Or they will get him a tutor if he doesn’t improve.
9
I don't think there is only one approach to educate the kids. But we should teach the kids the fundamentals such as honesty, diligence, responsibility, and trustworthy. We should love them so they feel the love. We should teach them to have an open heart to feel other people. As to the rest, it is up to them to learn by them self. I grew up in a range free environment. I am doing ok and happy about where I am.
5
As a European transplant raising a child in Manhattan, I often feel the pressure to conform to the norms of American style parenting. I strive to allow my 2.5 year old to feel free and not helicopter him around, and so far has been very independent and comfortable in social settings. Since he was a baby I've been taking him everywhere with me, to parties, exhibitions, lectures, gatherings etc. I feel good about us experiencing the world together in a spontaneous and creative way, and him learning from real life situations instead of burdening him with the busy activity schedule. Yes, a structure is good, but allowing flexibility will teach him how to be adaptable– something I highly value.
11
This article really struck home. No offense against the school but they just require endless intervention by the parents, party sign ups, checking grades, back to school nights, scheduling, sports. Then throw in the very invasive life 360 knowing where the kids are every second of day. I refuse to spy on my teen kids in this way, I find it invasive. Both my kids have straight A’s, if they didn’t I would intervene. I don’t go to open house. I don’t need to know the teachers. If they have a problem with another kid, I give them advise how to solve it, on their own. I am frowned on as an uninvolved parent because I am not there every second of the day. It is an absurdity in our society. Will I be expected to go on the job with them one day?
30
My two daughters studied music lessons once a week and attended religious school once a week. That left three days a week to host friends at home, visit friends at their homes and stay home and play (fight) with their sister. As a family, we ate dinner together most weeknights. We often went to museums and hung around the house playing cards and board games on weekends. I do not think they missed out on anything by not being booked every weekday afternoon in activities and playing team sports on the weekends, the latter is entirely too disruptive of family life.
10
The goal is to provide if you have the wherewithal to enhance your child’s future. We did, so we gave our child the best we could. Private schools starting in junior primary all the way into college. A Private high school with a strong reputation for sending students to four year colleges and universities. A private university that was favorable for graduate work advancement. I would do it all over again. We did have the advantage of being in business for ourselves. That provided the time for my wife and I to give all the time we needed for childcare. Our helicopter was never down so to speak.
1
@DENOTE MORDANT You didn't provide any evidence that any of what you did actually helped your kids. Which makes me think it didn't.
1
I do find that my main thought for my friends when they get pregnant is not one of joy but of sorrow, selfishly because I know I will rarely see them again as they abandon adult relationships, but also for how much of their lives they will soon be giving up.
I wonder if people always felt that way.
22
What about when the main caretaker is not competent to provide enrichment. When the caretaker is absorbed in her own self centric small world-sometimes with some minor mental illness. She may be atune to basics such as providing food (probably not the best) but enrichment is minimal especially as the child becomes a bit older. - There is such a huge difference between paid care and care provided by a vested/family member that i'd be hard to close this gap. But it would be great if we could
2