I never understood the ritual of having to eat dinner in the early afternoon either. But it was a tradition and who am I to question a tradition? Perhaps it was done to let relatives from a neighboring town get safely home while it was still light outside. As a child, I never questioned the reasons for having to go to midnight mass with a short meal to follow and then getting up early to open presents. I didn't care about any of that because I knew at the end of it I'd get presents. That was the be-all and end-all for my reasons to behave. When I was Ms. Limperis's age I thought some of these traditions were annoying including being treated like a full-grown child by my parents and elderly relatives. But then you see the kids and the excitement they hold for this day - albeit far from the religious aspects of my youth - but in the wonderment of it all and that simply beautiful thing shows me that is what my parents felt and the reasons for continuing a tradition.
161
The most well-adjusted adults are allowed to be children until they decided they wanted to grow up.
For a variety of reasons too complex to elaborate here, I was sent to a British boarding school when I was 16. Long story short, I never returned home.
The author is luckier than she can imagine. My mother was clinically depressed when I was a child. Never mind having a big holiday gathering -- she could barely make dinner for me and my siblings.
During my 20s, 30, and 40s I convinced myself that I had all that I wanted -- what with a family of my own to take care of.
But its only now, as I near 60, that I wish things could have been different. I wish that I had had the sort of family life that the author did -- functioning parents and a broad support network.
I guess the upside to all this is that I started my adult life at a very young age. For the last decade I've learned to take nothing seriously and laugh as much as possible. I have no grey hair and feel terrific. Maybe I have some wonderful things to look forward to.
541
@Frank J Haydn I think you do have some wonderful things to look forward to. Happy holidays!!
114
I loved this piece! I had two take-aways from it.
First: Long ago, my mother and I realized that when I (an adult) went to her house, we battled over all kinds of things, generally having to do with the way things *should* be done. When she visited my house, we battled over the same thing. We then discovered that we did much better on neutral turf. I guess you could say it was a control thing...
Second: Now that I am a grandmother, I realize that one’s mother is ALWAYS your mother, and that her children always need raising. I am as bad as my mother was to me and as her mother was to her.
The good thing was, and is, that love was always with us.
310
Dear Alyssa: Enjoy your wonderful family and childhood home as long as you can and relish the smiles and the laughter - for they will be the memories that will sustain you when you've grown older; and when the family that you once knew is either vastly diminished or gone entirely. I speak from experience. My family is almost gone and my parents and grandparents' charming homes and neighborhoods that I once knew have been bulldozed and in their place stand McMansions galore. You can never really go home again - except in your mind - so make the good memories while you can.
743
Sometime in December, some year in the 80's, my folks hosted a holiday party in their new home in the Chicago burbs (my father had been recently transferred). Too new to the area to have established a circle of friends, most of the attendees were work associates (and their spouses) of my father's. My brother, a rather tamer version of Robert Downey Jr.'s character in Home for the Holidays, and I decided that the level of festive just wasn't cutting it. We replaced the Johnny Mathis with Jr. Walker, cranked the stereo, and got that party started. I'm pretty sure that no one remembers the hors d'oeuvres or the tree, but I sure hope they remember the conga line.
240
After reading your article, I would have gone home for Christmas as well as Thanksgiving. Time will bring all sorts of changes - enjoy the healthy and happy parents/family while you can! You are a very lucky "adult woman"!
270
@angelina, even though this is just a humor piece there is some weight to the writer’s decision. There comes a time when a single woman in her late twenties (I was one, once) has to assert her independence and announce her full personhood by declaring that he will celebrate a holdiday in her own home... thank you for the invitation and I love you and am grateful but I’m happy where I am. Really.
Don’t want to be a downer here, but I struggled for decades — even after marriage — with being recognized as a complete, mature human by my family because I never became a parent. No children, no “real “ home of your own: I was always expected to be an accessory to someone else’s holiday celebration. I got so sick of being told that I simply cannot spend Christmas or Thanksgiving at home with just my husband and dogs, the implication being that it is sad and pitiful. The further implication being that the person inviting you has a much more fabulous and meaningful life.
186
@Passion for Peaches
Thank you for your so-true comment—at least as it applied to me. I was the youngest in a large family and never felt that I was considered “a complete, mature human by my family”—despite my Ph.D. and good job—until I left the US for a job overseas in my 30s and finally got married at a somewhat advanced age. But the idea of family togetherness at the holidays somehow trumps the wishes of individual members. Christmas celebrations with friends overseas are my fondest memories of the holidays because they were very special.
52
It's a luxury to spend holidays as you wish.
67
My big fat Grek Christmas.....
Sounds like a nice mix of smotherly love with the over the top ways our parents treat their adult children. Thanks for the laughs.
What is it with us New Englanders and Dunkin Donuts?
170
@Steve Webster, I think it’s like Canadians and Tim Hortons.
58
What a hilarious and endearing account of a holiday visit home! This is a truly marvelous slice of life piece, with the author's love and good-humored affection for her family and the wider cast of characters — maybe even Carla? — everywhere evident. A true pleasure to read.
338
At least there is no mention of Donald Trump, a subject likely to cause many family fights during the holiday season.
Trump is like a lightning rod in the family circle and you are fortunate it seems to gather in a Trump-free zone.
23
We had that red and white plastic Santa in the photo ...
19
Nice piece....thank you. The only illusion the writer has is that she is "independent grownup." Independence can only begin when one both first admits and then acts upon her/his dependence on everyone and every living entity. This "independence" craze underlies exceptionalism, overconsumption, and people's overall disrespect for others and the planet.
6
Oh my...we might just have the same mother! ha...
sweet, sweet story! Merry Christmas Eve
35
Everything changes when you have kids....
12
I scrolled for a while, but haven’t yet seen anyone point out that Alyssa has been acting out hilarious satire of her mom on the holidays, vacation, and more for years on her YouTube channel. She is a great talent. Watch for her. https://youtu.be/9uwGeMBemnE
31
Ah! A slice of Americana just when the country needs it . Thank you and Merry Christmas.
29
Wonderful!
17
You should cherish those wacky times now. I hope you will later.
13
I am a mother and don't want to celebrate Christmas like that with my adult daughter. Ugh. Not funny in the least, just depressing, the utter lack of connection.
7
“this drawer is just for hand towels now”
I actually snorted.
91
I actually believe that your mom sent you on a plane with a well wrapped, large pan of lasagna ! What a wonderful description. If Carla ever declines I'll be glad to come instead.
41
New England - I'd like to see another place go pound for pound with it in the funny business. Why hasn't the Times done an article about the water there? SC is a close second with Colbert and the Sedaris family - but they just seem like Greeks that somehow landed in the wrong spot (not Lowell MA! Ha!)
A list of Comedians or Comediennes from Boston/New England - (i.e - Whose Else is There?).
Jack Lemmon
Jay Leno
Conan Obrien
Adam Sandler
Amy Poehler
Rachel Dratch
Dennis Leary
Louis C.K. (yep)
Joey Tribbiani (Friends)
Rob Coddry (Hot Tub Time Machine etc.)
The Farrelly Bros. (Something About Mary etc.)
...and myriads other stand up and sitcom comedians and writers
and Alyssa Limperis.
Like this piece Allyssa, in conversation people think we're too negative, direct, Debbie Downers, talkative, whiny and generally don't like us - until they actually have to laugh. Then we ARE the Culture of Comedy.
Merry Christmas - and I wish I was home looking at all the tacky light decorations on the "Triple-Deckers" around the Boston area.
(P.S. Only us Italians and Greeks know what a real "Pasty Spread" entails!)
18
What? No leg of lamb for Christmas in your Greek family? No baklava and dolmas? Come to my house, we have it all.
22
Here I am, thinking about your poor mother missing her girl on Christmas. You have to go next year! Thanksgiving AND Christmas!
39
I was happy to read that you are not going "home" this year. As an adult attempting to establish yourself as one with your mother, "home" needs to be reframed as my family's house or some other comfortable but grown-up term. Your mother has charming, infantilizing ways to keep you a child. She doesn't want to let go. A psychiatrist told me many years ago when I struggled with the same kinds of things as you are, that it is up to the child to do the breaking away. So good luck in drawing new boundaries, even if it means hiding your dirty clothes so that your mother can't wash them. What was she doing going thru your belongings anyway? Don't eat the ham if you really don't want it. You are not a garbage disposal. Refuse the lasagna. It is unreasonable for her to expect you to fly with it. These all are sweet ways she wants to keep you as her child, her young child. She wants to do for you. Think of other more adult ways for her to still give to you, Perhaps asking her for some advice on what to serve at a dinner party you are thinking of having. There is a statement there of "I am grown now with my own home." Finally, when leaving for the airport, have transportation already arranged days ahead.
You have a tough climb here. The forces keeping you as a child are very strong. Identify any ambivalences and devise a strategy to overcome them. If you give in at anyone point, it will be much more difficult. Good luck.
55
Some people never get real family, so make your family wherever you are, as best you can by caring for those around you - neighbors, kids, strays.
17
You're a lucky lady and a good writer.
25
Thanks for sharing your story. This reminds me of the time 40 years ago when I drove home from Providence, RI at midnight on Xmas day through the snow/rain to have Xmas with my parents. It's 3:00 AM and my mother is sitting in the living room waiting for me. A wonderful present I will always remember.
135
My family traditions were passed down from my Italian immigrant grandparents. Seven fishes dinner Christmas Eve, midnight mass, non-stop meals with combined old country and new world foods and strong family rituals.
With the current email anti-immigrant fever, future generations will miss out on these special traditions.
Merry Christmas.
43
I miss my parents beyond all measure. What I wouldn't give for another holiday with them.
203
Same here. I have so many ornaments my mother gave/made me, the tree sags. It makes me happy. I made sure my husband bought the “good olives,” just like my father did. Cherish every second. My brother and sister are both gone, but as the last one standing, it doesn’t feel like much of an accomplishment. Happy Holidays to all. Hold your people close.
163
@Ladysmith
Me too.
26
I loved reading this. At first I was afraid the writer was going to criticize her mother and I was prepared to blast her for being ungrateful. So glad it turned out to bring back good memories of my own mother, who always worried about me and made me ring her phone two times when I reached my far-away destination. We should all be thankful for our elders so long as they are still here on earth.
114
This is easy stuff. Do a full Passover Seder with your family, including all the verses of the cumulative songs--that's when you can really see what you're made of.
Chad gadya, chad gadya...
37
@vacciniumovatum
I'm a 'Jesus Girl" all the way, but I know exactly what you're talking about! Blessings to you and yours!
11
Some of the details of my family Christmas celebrations before my mother died were totally different, but the holiday and family spirit you capture in your essay were very much the same. After a decade of deaths, estrangement and distance, there is no family left to celebrate with Christmas Eve. Too realistic to wish for one more Christmas like the old days, but I do wish I had been more aware they would one day be gone forever.
123
How? Why? Because we are trained warriors.
My siblings and I (all late 20s/early 30s) are Spartans as well. The ham scenario applies to breakfast as well...obviously there is 'no room in the freezer, all these pancakes have to be eaten!"
Refer to your training. Chew. If you are unable to eat more, do something to hide it. Under no circumstances should you reveal that you do in fact have a limit on food.
39
Thank you for this piece. I am older than you (and from a different part of the country) but your piece made me think of my (sainted) deceased mother and the multilayered richness she brought to my life and the holidays. Happy holidays and happy new year!
37
My mom gone since 1987; dad since 2005. My husband, son and I make as merry as possible with my mentally ill brother whom I pick up to spend a few days with us. We round out the holidays with a few visits with family and friends. It's okay. But only because we accept the sense of loss and own the bit of melancholy that is now part of our subdued holiday. So all, enjoy what you have while it's here.
111
Loved it. A sweet family get-together reminiscent of the fun parts of Steve Carell's Dan in Real Life:The abundance of food, the overflow of people, the board games. Got nothing to do with being single, married, with children, without children. It's all got to do with having a mother.
74
The right kind of mother.
My father and I usually went to the local Holiday Inn in Memphis for dinner; my mother never cooked but drank frequently.
My parents were not "the family type."
Be thankful for loving, smothering families.
There's much worse out there.
www.defaulttogoodness.com
56
Thank you, Ms. imperis, for an amusing, endearing respite from all the rotten news.
It was like hearing from someone who had read my mind... so I'll bet we share a secret that must be kept from family: our favorite Holidays are December 26 - 30.
Because it's over! Duty is done. Blessed solitude enforces privileged indulgence. There are no other feelings to guess and worry about. Any cookies that turn up in the house are finders keepers. These are the days reserved for those books we've hoarded because those authors never disappoint.
And even that aggravating calendar offers a rare, comforting assurance: there's over 350 shopping days 'til Christmas!!
But I'm an old guy so I do observe one ritual chore; stuffing unworn holiday clothes away in plastic bags, never to be worn because I'm "saving them for good", just like my Grandparents. The actual"good" is the chuckle get when I realize I've done it again.
Thanks for the smiles.
35
I would give anything to be spending my Christmas in Massachusetts where I am from. The last time I spent Christmas on Cape Cod was 13 years ago while both parents were alive. After that my father joined my sister and me wherever we had Christmas. My father died a few years ago and it has just never been the same without both parents.
I tell everyone to cherish and treasure their parents because once their gone it is final. I learned the hard way but oh those wonderful Christmas holiday memories. They can never take them away from me. Merry Christmas.
210
So very true. Cherish all those holiday moments with parents - even the crazy and stressed ones - because we miss every single moment once our parents are gone. Profound loss, yet so hard to imagine before it happens.
84
Correction: Once they are gone it is final. Sorry for the error.
9
Great piece. My two cents worth.
Someday it will be "Otherwise"....a poem by Jane Kenyon.
check it out.
23
@jb
Otherwise
Jane Kenyon, 1947 - 1995
I got out of bed
on two strong legs.
It might have been
otherwise. I ate
cereal, sweet
milk, ripe, flawless
peach. It might
have been otherwise.
I took the dog uphill
to the birch wood.
All morning I did
the work I love.
At noon I lay down
with my mate. It might
have been otherwise.
We ate dinner together
at a table with silver
candlesticks. It might
have been otherwise.
I slept in a bed
in a room with paintings
on the walls, and
planned another day
just like this day.
But one day, I know,
it will be otherwise.
270
One of my most unforgettable experiences of going home for Christmas took place 40 years ago, when I was in my mid-twenties. My mother is extremely narcissistic, which means she hates having to do things for other people. Hosting a big holiday dinner was definitely not on her list of favorite activities. I had baked a pumpkin pie and brought it with me, carefully protected with a sheet of Saran Wrap across the top. After I set it down on the kitchen counter, my mother proceeded to smash it in with her fist. She said nothing but had a demonic look of rage in her eyes. Ah, the memories.
76
@Carson Drew
I always read your comments. You are NOTHING like her.
Merry Christmas.
31
@Carson Drew
Ouch. Sorry that you have had to endure that and the flashbacks.
28
Loved this article. I am wistful for the time when I would ruminate for weeks before going home to Iowa for Christmas and then Texas where my parents retired. At least the wistfulness served as an organizer/container for my feelings about Christmas and about whatever I thought I should feel.
Now I am happy to say, there are not more should about the holidays.
5
When anthropologists go for prolonged stays into other cultures, they bring something from their home to remind them who they are. This works for "home for the holidays." Triggers are mandatory, regressions are optional!
19
The witty holiday essay never gets old.
But I may be getting there.
I miss Woody Allen's take.
8
Alyssa, you should feel darned fortunate to have a family and friends who cherish a tradition of togetherness, regardless of the time of year. There are too many people who have no such relationships and are suffering from the lack of companionship. You will always be your parents' child regardless of your age or location. You can enjoy family time, easily. Not so for us in Team Balanitis. We are however, the first to receive our presents - delivered with no shipping charges.
44
Thank you for this funny piece. I love that the pastry spread is its own zip code. May you and your family have many, many more happy times together complete with lots of good food.
145
what a great story to read for the holidays!
61
For some reason, this is my favorite part: “We’re all adults and no one has children, so of course there’s no — wait, yes, there’s a note from Santa and it rhymes.“
Very funny essay. Know that you are deeply blessed to have such loving parents and a warm family (whether blood relation or not). Even the odd stranger who turns up is embraced anyway because someone must know her. A happy Christmas, boundless love, board games, clean laundry and lasagna to take home. What could be better?
372
Marvelous piece. Thanks!
45
I love this! Merry Christmas!
42
The good old days. Now I can’t stop thinking of words that rhyme with heeahh.
24
Alyssa, I love this. Thank you so much for sharing it with us non-Greek who were not lucky enough to part of a big loud loving family like yours. You are indeed a very lucky woman. Merry Christmas to you and you whole big family.
110
Lines of food, more cookies than I saw all year, a whole caviar plate for me and my brother, then more food and wine until we could not stand up and off to wrap presents until 4 am, with more wine.
A nap and at 5:30 the kids are rushing downstairs and we are all up watching them tear apart the wrapping that took hours, and nothing could make me happier.
Then a nap from 7:30 to 11 and up so we can go have a xmass brunch.
I miss that.
Was the one time that my family got along.
Now the kids are grown, the sister in law and my brother are divorced and she insists on having a lawyer present in case any of us come visit the kids, even though she says ‘come over, spend xmass with us!’, the lawyer is always there.
She is remarried, my brother is still a hot mess, the kids do not wish to be in the same room with mommy dearest, the lawyer and us.
It’s all a distant memory now, never to be repeated. Even when baby arrived, her lawyer had to make an appearance ‘just in case’.
Still, the memory of that spiked eggnog, the rose wine, the extra food, the mimosas at 7:30 am, and the ripping sound of gifts being cheerfully received.
I’ll carry that with me for ever.
198
Thank you. That was a good Christmas Eve read. Merry Christmas!
90
Thanks for sharing Alyssa.
Merry Christmas.
39
My New Year's resolutions included learning to make a vegan moussaka. Now, I will try a vegan lasagna too. Cheers to you and yours.
23
You will miss them, when they’re gone.
Enjoy.
50
@Phyliss Dalmatian
ouch.
was the guilt trip really necessary?
I can understand her though, I also lived a coast away for a decade and missed many special days, but since I am here (20+ years), I try to go see the family as often as possible, no guilt trip needed.
22
@AutumnLeaf
No guilt trip was implied. Stating a fact, from MY experience. Cheers.
38
@AutumnLeaf You are a good daughter.
13
I did a study abroad program in Greece, and it's true that my Thessaloniki mother plied me with SO MUCH FOOD that I was splitting at the sides. She said, "I like you okay," by endlessly feeding me. What would have happened if she actually loved me like a daughter? I shudder to think.... In my own family, I am also regressed to my childhood self whenever I return home for the holidays. My frail parents used to insist on driving the car, even when they were shaking and infirm. I got called by my childhood nickname. This a funny article "because it's too true."
55
Is it too grinchy to observe that this complaint, in ALL its vervions (some better written than others), is now so repetetive, so boring and so utterly meaningless?
Enough already, NY TIMES.
Everyone alive ow gets it: the culture of complaint is alive and well, the youth on whom we were so foolishly dependent to create the revolution are going down in the flames of their mothers' hospitality.
AND of course the realization to come that they have become their own ridiculous relatives..
15
@Norma Manna Blum
Since you asked, Yes, it’s too grinchy.
72
@Norma Manna Blum
Yes. Way too grinchy, at least for this light, comedic piece.
58
@Norma Manna Blum
I didn't read this as a complaint manifesto; just a mildly humorous and loving sharing of family get togethers.
213
As the child of Greatest Generation parents, I was asked, when coming home from college the first Christmas "Who does your laundry at school?, Since it's you, you can do it when you're home as well". For some reason Greatest Generation's children have now become the helicopter parents of millenials- the pendulum has swung far to the other end. I am the parent of two millennials. Ms Limperis's experience is the same as my children's, who continue to see SNL's Back Home Ballers as a truism for homecoming at a holiday.
9
@robin Once we were at college, my parents basically made their home as comfortable as a prison for us. We were NOT wanted back. Even before we left for college we were doing our own laundry and ironing. And making our own dinners. I view the article as a kind of family with which I am entirely unfamiliar. I wish we had been shown such unconditional love.
184
@BA Your story made me sad to know the hurt you were caused. But there is a positive side to everything and maybe your positive is that you don't have to interact with people who hurt and disappoint you. That's a big gift, at least from my own life experiences. Merry Christmas.
46
@robin, I am of the same generation as you, and my mother showed me how to use the laundry as soon as a I was tall enough to reach it. I wouldn’t generalize so much.
22