Two short thoughts
Henry Ford
“Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right.”
― Henry Ford https://tinyurl.com/y77zq67q
Samuel Bckett
"Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better."
-- https://tinyurl.com/y8vpw5sx
8
When American author James Lee Burke was first beginning to write, he submitted a manuscript called "The Lost Get-Back Boogie" for publication. It was rejected 111 times. When it was finally published, it ended up being nominated for a Pulitzer prize.
Self-reject all you want, but keep plugging away. Success comes to those who persevere.
6
Gerry, Silicon Valley
I truly empathize plus identify with Ms. Winter's rejection reaction. But as an active submitter to poetry journals where less than 1% of work is often published, her bottomline of 101 rejections and 39 acceptances sounds like a cause to celebrate!
Gerry Sarnat MD.
[email protected]
gerardsarnat.com
3
My novels, shorts stories, poems, essays and even my comments here have been rejected. Am I going to stop writing? No!
5
"Adversity doesn't build character, it reveals it." "James Lane Allen"
6
Many decades ago, I was married to a superb coloratura soprano, degreed from a top conservatory (I will avoid its name). I am a very critical listener – a career as a computer systems developer tends to make one intolerant of defects – but her voice rivaled Kiri te Kanawa; even her voice teacher, an ex-Met soprano of note, praised it, finally telling her that she was ready, there was no more she needed to learn.
But she hated auditions, could find reasons why each was inappropriate or unsuitable. On the rare occasions when she did go to an audition, her last words before departing were, “Will you still love me if I mess up?” (She used a stronger word than “mess”, but I’d like to get this comment by the NYTimes censors.)
That attitude, present even though her rare performances were always critically praised, is fatal to developing a career. Writers, performers, any in the arts, must be ready for rejections. There is a list of famous writers who were initially rejected multiple times at https://lithub.com/the-most-rejected-books-of-all-time/ that is worth perusing.
11
Never trying or giving up is far worse; in your own head with the “could have beens, should have done, and the oh, just forget it. Especially when you’re a creative person with the ability to imagine every possible scenario of a different life.
Emily, you’re doing it, you’ve done it, you’re in motion. Yet you’ve still got those nagging thoughts; ok, you’re human. But, c’mom, look at that bio at the end of this article. And surely you know, with this in The New York Times, your promotional ability is high. Stay savoring each, “yippee I got it,” and do something deliriously giggle making with all those rejections.
The challenge is to know, to understand and to sense-experience that failing/ not succeeding in achieving, is about my doings. My “don’tings.” It is not about WHO and WHAT I am. Or am not. May never BE. May yet BE come. Notwithstanding reality’s ever-present dimensions of interacting uncertainties.Unpredictabilities.Randomness. Lack of total control no matter what we do, how timely, how often, ourselves as well as with others. Not an easy challenge in a culture “ addicted” to “making IT.” At any cost! A culture enveloped by fear-of-failure, while infected at every level by minions of unaccountable people and systems in power. Who seed, grow and harvest harms. Big and small.Temporary. More permanent ones. Intentionally. Inadvertently. By accident.The challenge is to accept and engage in, and with, an experienced “failure,” as an opportunity, and not as a foe.
Oh, I was feeling all compassionate and stuff -- till I saw your stats. Honey. You are KILLING it!
Consider this: Robert Manoff, longtime humor editor at the New Yorker, was a cartoonist himself. He estimated that a drawing of his was accepted for publication about every FORTY submissions. At his own magazine. Where he was the editor.
Pursue your dreams. Understand others are doing the same. Do your best work and let the rest take care of itself. It's an imperfect process -- subjective judgments, nepotism, a gatekeeper having a bad day. The ones who get there are the ones who keep going.
Word from the wise: Make your goal how many submissions you make, not how many acceptances you get.
1
Hey, one of the acceptances is from the New York Times Op-Ed page! That's pretty cool!
3
Geez. I got at least as many without even trying. guess I wasnt doing the work.
1
Your mom was right!
Consider Beckett’s caveat:”Fail better.”
Write a book and title it "Rejection 101." Get your agent to call it a self-help primer. What to lose? Be creative!
Looks like there's still a place in the world for Pollyannaism.
The woman's only been rejected 101 times? Amateur!
1
Someone told me years ago to save all of my rejection letters to remind me of how many it takes to get one acceptance or opportunity. I had the files in a folder that fell on the floor. My puppy, who was being house trained on paper, promptly went over and peed on them. This was the best fate, for me, of these letters. Since this time its all online. I do not find them helpful. I know what they said and were and my proposals I save, in retrospect I can see why they did not win and what to improve, this is my approach. I don't need to save them like badges of my efforts, the same way I do not save my drafts of writing. Art work/ drawings/ paintings that stand the test of time, whether accepted by anyone else or not, I save.
Much in life depends on chance. Also, much depends on uniqueness of talent. Also, much depends on effort and promotion.
Breaking through all of these barriers is not common. If it helps your motivation think of the many rejections of "Gone With The Wind", "Harry Potter", "The Beatles" and many other eventually popular works.
By the same token, chance alone can let a lot of schlock break through.
Enjoy what you do.
3
Ms Winter, a writer, writes, "Alone, I got so jealous that I laid on my apartment floor and cried ..."
Perhaps one of Ms Winter's rejections came from someone who knew the difference between "to lie" and "to lay" and the past tense of both.
1
I enjoyed reading this. I don't know if the author intended the piece to be funny, but I found myself laughing out loud. Well done!
3
If you write songs, write what the public wants to hear. If you paint pictures, paint what the public wants to see. If you write, write what the public wants to read. Remember, your success depends on how well you give the public what they want....and not what you want.
2
Rejection and perseverance are nature's way --- our very reproductive model: zillions of sperm (and eggs too) not making it is all about selective rejection. That we made it to life at all is a miracle.
My list of publications looks somewhat impressive from the outside, but I am constantly driving and beating myself up over my rejections, which I calculate run at about 10:1.
At my age, I am thinking more of my legacy than my future. (Well, no, that's a Trumpian-level falsehood). The truth is, that as long as new ideas and stories keep occurring, I'll keep writing them, and hope springs eternal. The joy of earning one acceptance even from a minor magazine is a positive euphoric drug to me, and I don't want any rehab.
I'm older now and I question the path I took. I'm not very good at my chosen field but I stuck to my dream and did gain some skill and sold some of my work. But in retrospect, I wonder if I might have had a better life if I had put my time and energy elsewhere. It seemed that once I chose my passion, I stayed with it passed the time that was reasonable. I think there's a romantic notion that if you do what you love, you will eventually succeed. In a way that is true for me but I wish I had questioned my choice more.
2
Dear Emily,
I just keep on being out there.
In love and business someone has always come along who is desperate enough to want what I have to offer.
Love to you, to those you love, to those who love you, and to all the others.
Jerry
1
In baseball terms, you're batting a .39
-- you're at the top of the batting lineup and in line for the Hall of Fame! Congratulations, and keep
swinging for the fences.
4
My gosh! That's an incredible acceptance rate! I wrote seriously for 10 years (and unseriously for 10 more)and received many more rejections--I refuse to count them but I could have papered the room with them--until I finally sold a novel. My motto was: "If I keep writing, I might sell. If I stop writing, I never will."
11
I found a $10 bill on the sidewalk. Now I will write about how it pays to keep your eyes on the ground. I'm a winner!
3
Thank you, Emily. It's the middle of December, my birthday is next week, this year I've had 54 rejections and 7 acceptances. I'm going to eat some worms and make use of the rest of the year.
3
@Rachel Hoffman
From my experierce, crickets have a crunchier and more satisfying aftertaste...
1
This has prompted me to take care of an analysis that I've been sitting on for a while, the actual proportion of resume submissions to the relative success of my last job search. I had started looking in early 2017, but not seriously until the end of the year and the beginning of 2018:
- 43 companies received my resume
- 28, submissions from me
- 15, for which I was recruited
- 15 phone interviews
- 12 on-site interviews, or multiples of
- 1 offer
- 2 that I declined to continue
- 8 roles for which I was grossly overqualified
- 1 was a stretch, for which I turned down the interview
- 5 roles in another domain, for which I was technically overqualified
Troubling that my skills and presentation only garnered one offer, but the issues that linger are mostly about age bias and the problems of being humble. Luckily, my new employer is considered one of the best companies for which to work, with great benefits, close enough I can walk to work in 15 minutes, and beginning next year, working from home 2 days a week.
10
30 or so years ago I wasn’t having much “luck” getting an interview. I decided to apply to every major player in the field once a week. My reasoning was at some point one of them will need a warm body to fill the chair and when I would go to the interview and they had a 3 inch stack of my applications in front of them, at least they couldn’t say I wasn’t trying. I got an interview, they had the stack, I told them I was trying, I got the job and have been with the same company now for 29 years.
11
When you're raising small children, after they learn to say mama or dada, the other word they learn quickly enough is "no." As parents, we say "don't do this, don't do that." No to this. No to that. What we often forget as parents is that in saying "no," we have given children exactly the information they need to get our attention. And you can bet they will get very good at doing exactly what you've told them not to do.
3
As a competitive bicycle racer in the 1980s in my 20s I can offer this gem :
A good friend and competitor said to me "why is it that we train 500 miles per week, endure countless accidents and injuries, go to bed before most 10 year olds, endless travel and sleeping on living room floors of strangers (nice strangers), avoid serious romantic relationships due to the demands of our professions, and yet still line up at the start line of races only to more often than not get our butts kicked in, with only a few successes ever sprinkled in between? Why? Because, we were living the dream. Now, in my 60s and looking back, it was the most alive and happiest time of my life.
9
I truly empathize plus identify with Ms. Winter's rejection reaction. But as an active submitter to poetry journals where less than 1% of work is often published, her bottomline of 101 rejections and 39 acceptances sounds like a cause to celebrate!
Gerry Sarnat MD.
gerardsarnat.com
6
As a writer, I have to say that your numbers are pretty impressive. A successful writer friend of mine papered her entire bathroom wall with rejection letters (remember letters?). You're doing the hard work of putting yourself out there, again and again. Don't stop! It's like the old joke about the guy who keeps praying to God to win the lottery until finally a voice booms down from the heavens: "Give me a break...buy a ticket!"
7
Coincidentally, Bret Stevens's op ed piece on Churchill reminded me of his famous speech to Parliament, an excerpt from which I often quoted to my kids during their setbacks in high school and college. I would puff myself up affecting Churchill's growling English accent and, with sonorous voice, deliver the following:
We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They would laugh at my buffoonery...but they got it.
Be intrepid my good woman! Into to the breech with thee!
NEVAH SURRENDAH!
66
a ratio of 39:101 is FANTASTIC! You're killing it. Good on you.
5
@David Anderson ... actually, the ratio is 39:140 ... she applied 140 times, got 39 accepts and 101 rejects. thats about 28% accept, which is huge.
1
Lost me on the observation about Bingo eating poop...made me think of those dog lovers who allow their dogs to lick their faces. Too disturbed to keep reading!
1
Remember, for jobs, love, relationships.... all you really need is one acceptance. 39 is great results! Your killing it!!! Keep it up! You can never succeed if you never try or try every so often! The averages are on your side, and..... keep at it. If these things are easy, (everything) then everyone would be doing them and succeeding! Get back out there. Oh... i forgot.....always remember, "The sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar on tomorrow......" Hope springs eternal!
You got this!
1
Hey! You have a column in The New York Times! Smack that on your resume and give yourself props. Sheesh. The closest most schleps get is a post in the comment section. But then again, if you're reading this--hey! Look at me! I'm in The New York Times!
26
sorry, but I couldn't continue reading after the first few paragraphs. It brought back painful memories of being unemployed almost 2 years during the recession and having applied for (and rejected by) 225 positions. I needed to pay my mortage; you needed to inrease your self awareness.
3
Rejection? Try trying to get a professional job when you are over 60 years old.
23
Run, don’t walk and buy, borrow, or steal any book by one of the greatest psychologists to have ever lived, Dr. Albert Ellis, a founder of modern cognitive psychology, who spent his life work on the very topic.
If you understand how human’s are actually wired to think and behave it’s just shocking how irrational we are as creatures. The truth is that life events & external situations don’t MAKE us glad, sad, mad, or afraid. We do. The world we see, hear, touch, & smell is not the same as our learned ideas about these life events. Learned thinking causes our emotional responses. Learn it enough and it becomes a reflex. Shocking news, human’s are a species of animal that can literally do themselves in by just thinking.
It’s not just about exposing yourself to the misery of rejection 101 times. To be blunt if your “core belief system”, or understanding about the world is the same on the 101st rejection as the 1st one you will not be much better off. You may numb yourself to all the extra misery you found by boldly seeking rejection, but it is better to adapt a way to rid yourself of needless misery.
You already know how wacky your rejectors act and think (As Ellis would say, “because they’re thinking is just as nutty as ours.”). How crazy is it to attach your own measurements of success and happiness to that. If only you could find non-irrational people to accept you in your chosen profession. Good Luck with that search! Let the rest of us know when you find them.
7
Old wine new bottle.
What would make one conclude that rejection is noteworthy? It's almost certain that all of us looking for work have been turned away far more often than hired.
Similarly, most of us got more university rejection letters than we did acceptance notices.
2
I share your pain, except have no successes at this moment. I just went on the academic job market this year - didn't even get an interview anywhere. I am referring to this as my season of rejection. I admit I've had a lot of success in my chosen path up until this point, so complete rejection is a new experience for me. It did make me quite depressed at first, and my self-confidence has waned considerably, but I know it's the norm and now I know to just expect it (I knew that before, but you never really know it until you experience it).
4
true story....
a painter friend had another friend show her work to the art critic of a major magazine, he was leaving to become a curator at a major museum. He looked at the work and loved it, said he'd recommend her to some galleries and to call him on Monday. Oh boy, she thought...........she called him on Monday and when she asked the woman who answered if she could speak to him, the woman started to cry saying that he'd died the previous day.
42
Are you over 55? Have you been laid off or rejected for a job over and over? I would love to hear your story (women and men). The spotlight shines bright on gender equity and pay in the workplace but not so much on ageism, especially female ageism. The older woman seems to be that single segment of the population who is systematically discarded. Women are expected to continually look younger even against nature's will. Men turn gray and look "distinguished" or "hot" (think George Clooney); women just look old and worn and feel compelled to dye their hair and spend tons of money on anti-aging skincare products. Women over 55 are considered to be technology-challenged even if they aren't. Yet these women come to the workforce with decades of experience, a strong work ethic, and in many cases, the multitasking skills of motherhood. I'm a freelance writer and am collecting stories about ageism (female and male). How does it feel to be rejected? Have you re-engineered your job search? Are you determined to keep pursuing work? Did you decide to become self-employed? Are you giving up? What's working for you? What must change? Thank you—chin up!
17
Actually, anyone who is getting a comment published in one of these Times comments boxes should think of it as a little success--these comments are curated and to some extent judged, unlike comments on many other sites, and not every one gets posted.
And I personally can vouch for the fact that getting a number of comments posted in said boxes--with numbers of them getting high recommendation numbers and Times Pick designations--has led people to me with offers that I certainly would not have gotten otherwise.
So I suspect, Emily, this column is going to lead to some good things for you.
6
I've engaged in many competitive pursuits in my professional aspirations: science, medicine, photojournalism, dance. I guess rejection just came with the territory. And I've been very lucky.
What gave me real pause, though, was a brief reconnection a few years ago with college friend who always wanted to be a writer. He was successful in that pursuit, with six books published, most reviewed in the NY Times, many short stories in major magazines, opinion pieces, etc. Despite this, though, he is flat broke. And worse, unbearably bitter.
I understand that few choose to write for the money. But it seems that, despite this guy's relative success, he has not found much happiness in his work. I just can't imagine embarking on such a difficult career, only to end up achieving one's goals but mired in misery.
I know this is an N of one, but he's not the only friend from my younger years who had a successful career in the arts, only to end up old and bitter. I am grateful for the work these people produce--I love good fiction!--but at such a cost.
5
Well, here's irony for you. A column about rejection is accepted; a reflection upon failure is a success.
Ms. Winter, a comedian, must surely appreciate Woody Allen's theory of life: 99% of it is just showing up. She's living it.
7
My mom wrote music for about 50 years, had some middling successes, got recorded once...she composed because she had to, because nothing in life equaled the feeling of "flow", when the notes and words seemed to flow through her, not out of her. Her most rewarding pieces were her musicals, three children's musicals and one show for the adults in the PTA for their fundraiser in '60 or '61. Why rewarding? Decades after Stone Soup played on an elementary school stage I took her to a play at her local "regional" theater. A woman towing a 7 or so year old girl rushed up to her and said, You're Mrs. Griswold, you wrote those wonderful school musicals, I sang in one when I was a fifth grader!" Two reasons to pursue our art, because we have to and because sometimes we really touch another person. Mom taught piano for a living, never hit the jackpot, couldn't have cared less.
7
I made this resolution, years ago, and have long since passed 100 rejections. I've also had success, which in retrospect, was frequently a surprise. I now try to cope with the cycle, as I still receive an overwhelming number of rejections to every single acceptance. (I'm at around 4%). Still, I have to remind myself, the work is the goal. If an editor likes it, by that point, it's icing on the cake.
5
In my head, I often quote Joan Rivers' philosophy about rejection, "It's only humiliation."
9
My grandfather, an old time golf pro, said that you will lose more times than you will win (think that a top pro winning maybe 5 tournaments in a year). He also said that if you know you put in an honest effort and did your best you are actually a winner inside your heart. Indeed, I have been rejected and have lost many more times than I have been successful--but that makes the successes so much better. The saddest thing I see are the friends who are afraid to try.
7
Rock on, @EmilyWinter. This senior committed reject still pursues.
1
While a number of comments are on target, no one seems to have realized that your piece made the NYT because it has a great hook. What editor can resist “100 Rejections?”
Keep digging for hooks like that and success can’t be too far away. I survived (and at times thrived) 30 years as a freelancer,
but must admit I benefited from networking. Beats the heck out of cold calling.
5
Uh, trying together rejection? Nope. Just playing the odds. 101 rejections and 39 acceptances is a darn good return.
Maybe with 300 rejections you will get 100 acceptances.
The article could have been titled "I got accepted 39 times".
6
In the former home of Jack London is a room literally wallpapered with rejection slips, not 101 but thousands, some of them quite insulting, all received before he wrote “Call of the Wild.”
12
Rejected.
Lifetime philosophy for very few, Moving Forwardism: "I don’t regret committing to this masochistic rejection project. It made me feel embarrassed, depressed, overwhelmed and self-indulgent. But I also felt that I was moving forward instead of standing still."
6
Years ago, I saw an interview with Sylvester Stallone where he said that before he became famous, every morning he would get the paper and go right down the help wanted ads and apply to every one of them — and it gradually paid off.
I also recently saw a CBS interview with Bryan Cranston, where he politely laughed at an aspiring actor’s declaration that he would give Hollywood a try for one year before giving up. He said, “Let me save you some trouble.” Meaning, like his experience, success in Hollywood takes years of trying and, no doubt, innumerable setbacks.
Just regularly showing up at events, meetings, and conferences keeps people aware that you exist and they associate you with that industry, field, or area of interest. Nobody is aware you exist if you sit in your living room all day.
At any rate, you’ve written for the New York Times now, and that’s better than most people can say. Congratulations, and give that snowball another push. Success can require constant effort; failure requires nothing at all.
12
Compare your year to that of a Major League Baseball hitter. Only the best of the best hit over 300. 39 for 140 means you’re batting 278. Pretty respectable for the majors. Perhaps a little more time in the cage and you’ll be hitting 300. Keep at it!
75
I’m a visual artist, and rejection rates in my business are like 99 %. Just to get a “no” in writing is a kind of success.
Hat in my hands, I make embarrassing asks of peers and acquaintances all the time. If I approach a gallery without an introduction by a close friend of the gallery, there is pretty much less than no chance of even being listened to.
I’m not exactly an outsider, I’ve got lots of degrees, lived in NYC (previously for a decade) and hold an academic post near NYC, but such is the creative world. It’s competitive precisely because it’s a VERY nice world to live in.
64
I will turn 45 years old, and since I'm 25 years old, the time I became a college drop out, my life has been a collection of failures. I didn't become a drop out for an option, I did try many times finish my education, but I couldn't and that dream was used by many, around me, to take advantage with empty promises. I didn't get married, I don't have a child, I don't have a bf or a partner, I don't have friends, only people that I eventually socialize, I never did drugs, I rarely drink alcohol, I am not promiscuous and I'm a very clean and organized person. I have exhaustively tried to improve my life by work and sacrifice. I debased my work, I accepted humiliation so I could reach my goal, but nothing worked. I got evicted, unemployed and had to go back and live with my mother, and after 10 years, I haven't still been able to put my life together. People judge me and think I'm lazy despite taken care of my family life. I look around and see people that always lived like there is no tomorrow, behaving very irresponsible, selfish and they are now very satisfied with their lives. I concluded, from comparing my life with others and life around me, the existence of something called LUCK or FATE. I've been naive and ignorant about refusing to believe in these two crucial factors.
Now, I don't dream with a better life anymore, I accept what I have and made my unhappiness my normal state of feeling.
37
@Roberta Many many people are struggling including college graduates, film stars and drug addicts. How do you measure success? Success is defined by you. Being self-sufficient, independent, an owner, a mother is how the American culture defines success. Helping your parents, your community, being at peace and present in the moment is how different cultures define success. What do you really want from your time on this beautiful planet?
31
@Roberta, kudos to you. You’re in good company. I’ve done various things in my life and I’ve never succeeded at anything. And I mean, nothing. I’m 62 now and trying to sell two scripts. I know I’ll never be accepted. Do I hate it? Absolutely.
While I am not religious, I do understand that Jesus, and his message was thoroughly rejected also, even to this day! Therefore, I tend to believe that the Rejectors are wrong, and you are right. Will your time come in this life? Maybe not. I know mine never will. But I also know I’m in good company. The first shall be last, and the last shall be first. And whatever this references, I’d rather be first then.
10
@Roberta
I understand. But we persevere, don't we, despite the constant obstacles. And small things bring happiness at times, for me. I hope they do for you as well.
17
101 rejections and 39 acceptances seems like a terrific success rate to me. You get accepted almost 30% of the time! That’s not the case with job interviews, or college applications, it’s not the success rate when you’re fundraising for a new proposition, or getting a start-up venture off the ground, etc. So, as tiring as it must be, to constantly put yourself out there, it actually sounds like it’s paying off really well!
4
Jeez - half the time I can't even get the Times to publish my comments. But one of the great things about living in the age of the internet is that now anyone can self-publish. Of course, that may not be the same as being published in an established online journal or magazine but, with social media, one can then share one's own work among a target audience likely to be receptive. That's what I have done and, though mine is not a household name, I can say that it is well over a year since a day has gone by when my blog was not read by at least one person. That's gratifying.
In the classic structure of submission and either acceptance or rejection, it is an either-or, all-or-nothing phenomenon. If accepted, one's work has a chance of reaching a vastly wider audience than one can reach by self publishing, but the chances of getting one's work accepted in the first place are minuscule. In contrast, the stakes are much lower in self publishing. By going small and self-publishing, although one is less likely to reach a mass audience, one has a much greater chance of being read by at least someone. It's like opting to bunt or perhaps trying to get a single, just to get on base, rather than going for the home-run and striking out again and again.
The opportunity to get one's work out there is, I believe, one of the great democratizing attributes of the internet.
38
I keep a folder of 40 rejection letters I received from nearly every major medical school in the United States. I liked the idea of collecting form letterheads from each of the institutions but even more interesting was how each framed their rejection. Needless to say there were lots of "regrets" mixed with lame attempts to assuage my rejection. Having succesfully practiced medicine now for more than 30 years its a lot easier now to go through these letters than it did back then. I used these letters to help my kids navigate tough times.
164
@Beau Vine But did you ever get accepted to a medical school? Or are you winging it?
1
To paraphrase Stephen King: When the weight of my rejection slips pulled the nail holding them out of the wall, I pounded in a spike and kept on writing.
116
This is a success story! 101 rejections and 39 acceptances. You’re batting 380+, wow, that’s a great average. You should feel very good about yourself!
11
So, you know what rejection looks like, right down to the fine hairs. What would acceptance look like?
Would it be that every submission you made was accepted, every joke and script bought, every answer to every inquiry an unequivocal "yes"? That's not acceptance, that's fantasy. You might as well be saying that you're a failure because every time you jump off the roof in an attempt to fly, you hit the ground.
Here's something completely corny that probably a million people already know, but which remains a profound way to understand what acceptance is...
I asked for strength and found difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for wisdom and found problems to solve.
I asked for prosperity and got brawn and brains to work.
I asked for courage and discovered dangers to overcome.
I asked for patience and found situations where I was forced to wait.
I asked for love and found troubled people to help.
I asked for favors and found opportunities.
I asked for everything so I could enjoy life.
Instead, I got life so I could enjoy everything.
I received nothing I wanted, I received everything I needed.
27
@Jim
I love it. Where is this from?
If it weren't for trial and struggle, how would we learn? What would be life's meaning?
To me, life is about learning how to stay in the present, doing the work, and let go of results. Why? We'll find out on the other side.
8
@Andrew Nowacki
Is that why the chicken crossed the road?
Angela Duckworth, the author of "Grit", tells a Millennial how to keep going and inure herself to rejection rather than helping her see her struggle to succeed in political terms, namely, that the cards have been neatly stacked against Millennial success. Millennials need to change this world of growing economic stratification, not adapt to it. You're struggling more than Boomers and GenX because real, good-paying jobs with benefits and pensions were plentiful (which meant that people had more disposable income to spend on your field--entertainment), not because you lack grit.
8
@Denise
It isn't because of the economic stratification for millennials when one is a performer, artist, actor, musician because these have always been gig endeavors. You're right though about the on-staff good paying jobs, they're being converted into gigs so that companies can keep more money for themselves.
old joke----what do you call a painter crossing the street----waiter
12
@Denise - I am a GenXer, and can tell you that "real, good paying jobs with benefits and pensions" were not plentiful when I got out of school. The local unemployment rate was 8.7%, interest rates were 9%, and finding a STEM job meant going through a temp agency that charged double what they paid you. This allowed the temp to get real world experience, and a chance at an interview. The struggles always been there - but 39 acceptances and 101 rejections is a 28% success rate. That's nailing it, by any definition. In other words, what is the point of this article?
5
@Lou Check your math. Her success rate at that point was 38.6%, or in baseball terms, she was batting 386 (others in this thread have used the same analogy). Put in simpler terms, she succeeded in 1 out of every 3 attempts. BTW, I thought the point was rather obvious: keep trying.
4
I recall an interview many years ago with Director-Producer-Writer John Sayles talking about how he decorated this barebones apartment with rejections. It was inspiring.
10
Emily, you are doing very well (you just had a terrific piece published in the Times - no mean feat). As you read through these comments, understand most are praising and encouraging you to keep on truckin". In fact, many of us are giving you a digital hug and telling you to be happy doing something very few can claim, living your life on your own terms, in your own space.
Trite as it may sound, it is worth noting that it really is the journey that is important, not the destination. So yeah, keep on truckin' and listen to the dog - she gets it.
54
My son is nine and wanted to try acting. He’s a handsome little boy and so, got an agent and manager right away. He took acting classes to help him hone his craft, but I think one of the hardest lessons had to learn was success was not the reward.
In one year he auditioned 100 times for movies, tv, voice-over and web-series. His call back rate was 15% but he only got five jobs. That’s a tough rejection rate, but an amazing lesson. He learned that the audition or practicing his craft was what was important and success was the icing on the cake.
Of course, he didn’t have to make a living at acting, thank God, and he’s since moved on to something less time-consuming, but I don’t think he’ll ever forget the lesson: doing the work is more important than the results. You often can’t control them.
And, if you look at creative pursuits from a spiritual perspective, the nobility in conjuring something out of nothing is its own reward and the universe will support you. Perhaps not in the style to which you’d like to become accustomed, but you won’t starve to death, like the poor children in Yemen.
27
I'm not entirely sure what I just read.
By courting opportunities she thought were the exclusive domain of "cooler, smarter, funnier people," the author landed jobs she would not have otherwise. Yet in this piece her success over the course of the year seems to be muted in favour of her reaction to the large number of rejections.
It's well known--and has been well noted for a very long time--that a person's success in obtaining gigs is in direct proportion to their ability to tolerate failure. But the author left me with the distinct impression that it wasn't a great year for her as much as it was a difficult one, despite the objective markers of increased success.
4
@Josh Lepsy
Interesting point, yes, I see what you mean.
1
In 1989, I got laid off and made 50 paper-based job applications in a bad economy, got three interviews and one job offer (which turned out to be a favor from a fellow alumni I didn't know). I worked that job until 2008, when I decided to retire and try my hand at playing bass. What followed was a series of gigs in dive bars with sometimes shady characters. One night, at rock bottom at a bar in Philadelphia, not only was the house completely empty, but the bartender actually walked out, leaving the place unmanned. This did not boost my confidence, although it did result in free beer.
But last Monday, I played a gig to a packed house (on a Monday!) that didn't want us to leave the stage at the end of the gig.
I am starting to wonder if this is all randomness and luck. However, you can look at randomness as a gift from the universe, because randomness means your luck can't be bad all the time, right?
44
@Dave It is actually a statistical principle called regression to the mean. What the principle states is in a system whose inputs have a less than perfect correlation to the outputs, the results will tend to a mean. This means if you have bad results one year, the next year will almost always be better and if you have a good results, the next year will almost certainly be worse.
15
Tony, Thanks! You are so right about regression to the mean.
1
@Tony Mendoza Sorry, but your conclusion is not supported by the principle you cite. Each year starts afresh. Knowledge of the past is not a predictor of the future. Regression to the mean has no statistical significance in assessing future expectations.
1
You have a 39/140 (28%) acceptance rate. That's hardly 'failure.'
14
@Dana Charbonneau
If I had a mathematical bent, I would have said it, at least partially, this way (I commented earlier).
Yes. What she said.
4
Research laboratories and university offices are litterd with proud pinups of rejection letters....often to individuals who went on to win a Nobel Prize for their work. One of the most extreme instances of refusal to accept rejection was the scientist who had a submitted research paper rejected. In retaliation he founded a peer-reviewed scientific journal and became editor-in-chief.
12
Emily, among the successes you count should be the generation of this fascinating NYT discussion on motivation, achievement, values, persistence, failure, etc. There's a lot to learn from these comments as well as your essay. Bravo.
18
I am 74 and transgender. I have been working on a 1000-page novel--I completed in 2016--since 1988. Three chapters have been published. The novel is about a triracial (black, white, American Indian) transgirl growing up in Kentucky in the 1940s and 50s, so, is a bit autobiographical. The last time I read, the person organizing the reading said, "I've never heard anything like that. Why aren't you published?" I'm working now on reading a portion of the work at a venue in the East Village (NYC). Like you and others, I get a litany of reasons from various and sundry publishers as to why the work is not acceptable, and, like you and others, I keep submitting because I literally haven't anything better to do.
78
@Johnnie Look up the book "Married Women Who Love Women" by Carren Strock. She was rejected and told she wasn't a writer. She also wrote "A Writer's Journey" which has a lot of practical tips. And don't forget Gone with the Wind, which languished under a bed for a long time and just happened to be at the right time by chance to be published.
10
@Johnnie You might start another book. Thirty years on one novel may have taught you a great deal but you might do better with a new idea. Also, 1000 pages is a LOT, more than most publishers are looking for. Perhaps cut it a little? (I'm multi-published in traditional markets. I'm making SUGGESTIONS not rules)
7
@Johnnie what venue? I want to come see!
2
101 rejections and 39 acceptances are great numbers! I'm in academia and I know people who apply for hundreds of jobs, get just a couple interviews, have to go for an all-day, 13-hour interview with a teaching demo, lecture, and dinner, and then still don't get the job.
26
First congratulations--- your "sales" are way up! If you had contacted one of the Strategy or Marketing professors from Angela Duckworth's Wharton school, they would have been even more encouraging. Here's what I think they would have said. "The tough part for you is that you define your "product" as yourself, who can succeed or fail only against some ever changing goalpost. Try measuring the success of "Emily's line of comedy projects". What are the factors that you count as successes in that world? I was struck by your list of all ways/places comedy is sold: On TV/by the joke/as a recurring appearance .... and every time you cracked a new one. Count the number of times you got hired a second time by the person-- that's a sign of success. Count the number of potential buyers that you've just met for the first time; no one sells anything to everyone they've just met, but those people often come back. It's a lot easier to see the progress and successes you created that way. And your peer was right. In comedy, ubiquity is success-- so I'll be counting the number of times I see your work in 2019.
11
This story made me smile: as I wrote on Quora in 2017, my writing partner and I had a similar experience but without hoping or expecting 101 rejections:
As a young writer just out of film school I had co-written a screenplay for a feature film, "Little Spies", about ten kids that bust their dog out of the dog pound in the middle of the night. The script had been rejected 101 times from almost every studio, mini-major, cable network, and independent production company. A few times it had been rejected twice,
from different people at the same company!
One Thursday night, after hearing my desperate sadness after enduring 101 rejections, a software geek friend renting office space at a Hollywood literary agency told me he had heard of a studio desperate for great material. He offered to steal the letterhead of the literary agency, pose as an agent, write a gushing letter to an executive at the studio, and submit the script the next day. (studio execs read a pile of scripts every weekend)
THREE DAYS LATER...
Amazingly -- early Monday morning Disney called to buy the script for the Disney Sunday Movie, their TV movie series on ABC! They wanted to put it into production right away.
Overnight we were propelled into the mainstream Hollywood system, working in an office on the Disney backlot, joining the Writer’s Guild, and watching daily as the studio cast Mickey Rooney in a 2.3 million dollar TV movie.
The start of a career and, of course, more professional rejection !
27
@Stephen Greenfield This is not as inspiring a story as you seem to want it to be. You basically succeeded through deception. It only reinforces what many of us getting rejected again and again suspect--you have to have some special "in" to succeed.
6
@Stephen Greenfield
Congrats to you! What luck that your friend was willing to do that. Too bad people can’t find value in things on their own without the “name” attached to them. In most cases, you have to be a somebody in order to be a somebody.
2
@Stephen Greenfield
So the lesson is play dirty, lie, exhibit the lowest character so you can pursue your artistic dreams? Jeez. This is everything wrong with the character of so many today. Including creatives whose narcissism and ugly behavior is couched in false artistic piety... "it's great material, it's gritty and honest, it's a story that needs to be told and on and on ad nauseum." You made some money on a lackluster project, put some people to work on said project and dropped another piece of cultural detritus onto the plate of the children. Hooray. That Disney pumped the money and attracted a beloved actor doesn't mean what you made has any real value in human terms only economic ones in keeping the hollywood machine moving. Moving the money through junk projects that keep kids glued to the screen.
I would rather see the NYTs feature those pursuing endeavors, in spite of rejection, in fields outside of entertainment and the arts, where the results actually count for something tangible and significant. It would counter this vapid cult of celebrity to facilitate access to more grounded stories. Kids would take their educations more seriously if they weren't continually influenced by entertainment, sports, and the cult of celebrity and money surrounding them. The mercenary attitude that's invaded all aspects of modern life deserves some serious pushback, not celebration.
3
I share your suffering! I used to think in my next life I'd come back as a singer, but now I know for sure: an investment banker -- outsized income for little value.
6
So here is my question to you, little millennial: Are 39 successes more than you are used to getting in an average year?
If so, you've made the big leagues.
Next year shoot for 40 or 45.
That's what life's about. Not many of us make the "big score".
3
Back in the 1950s, I believe, MAD Magazine had an article about someone who had been rejected by every magazine in America except one, to which he wrote requesting a rejection letter. Naturally, they loved the concept and requested an article. It got more complicated from there.
23
Actually, you're way too talented and, dare I say it, successful to be living paycheck to paycheck, Emily. The problem lies not with your grit, self-regulatory skill, level of entitlement, what the Japanese would refer to as "ganbaru" (roughly hanging in there and persevering when things get rough), etc. It's that we don't pay artists enough. As Gillian Welch once sort of said, "Someone hit the big score. They've figured it out: Emily's gonna do it anyway, even if it doesn't pay."
We're all cashing in on your passion and talent and grit in one way or another. It should be everyone's New Year's resolution to find someway to kick a few bucks to people like you. It should be mine. But I'll probably find someway to forget that I wrote this.
14
I am an architect. I also teach. I tell my students what they can expect in the profession, trying to prepare them for the reality of having to do their masters thesis every two weeks for the rest of their lives as a way of making a living, knowing full well that they will get rejected way more then accepted. We put up with this because we don’t really want or know how to do anything else because architecture is about as much fun as you have with your clothes on.
Our currency is ideas, not things. Even though our ideas result in things, people don’t pay us for the “thing”, they pay us for our ideas about the thing. We never really get to own what we make.
As you can imagine, this can be very frustrating. To help me deal with this, after doing this for 35 years, I have come to the following conclusion:
Failure is what pays for Success.
The value of failure is infinite, the value of success is limited. There is simply more failure to go around, so no matter how good your work is, you’re getting your fair share. Just make sure you accrue enough failure to pay the price of success.
45
Emily, you're an entrepreneur at heart. And there's a difference between someone who has a business and an entrepreneur. An entrepreneur is naturally motivated to do what they love doing. An entrepreneur is an adrenaline junkie who loves the rush of doing, of being in the moment...and someone who isn't happy if they aren't checking these boxes. I think the biggest "climbing without a rope" trait of an entrepreneur is wanting to be not just liked, but loved. Something tells me you are happier when you're loved...I can tell you this, you are quite lovable. And you'll have all the success you desire.
3
I work in technology, and never have to suffer the same fate as true creatives, but maybe there are lessons from workaday spheres. One study found that people that made it to the C-suite often took major risks, roles way over their heads, in their early years. Creatives might need to do this, even to survive. You really need to put yourself out there, try for things over your head or outside your comfort zone, since you have little ability to know where your work will catch.
5
Although my own personal style was a little mine Andy's way-back-when I dated online, I realized my 'open door' policy wasn't fruitful, so I trimmed it down, avoiding opportunities that I didn't think would work out. Less opportunity but I also became more focused, engaging in one-to-one marketing. My profile, while attractive, was filled with enough detail to scare some women away, the ones that were not into cultural activities. Also, there were lots of pictures, to make sure that anyone looking found me attractive. No holding out until I met them. Lastly, any message sent was targeted tot hat person, always with a little bit of original wit, not a long message, but hopefully engaging for the right person. I'm happily married now, with my spouse for 15 years.
4
101 rejections and 39 acceptances - that’s a success rate close to 40%!
That’s terrific.
10
@Larry Furman
That's terrible math, Larry. But a bit under 28% ain't bad, either.
5
@Larry Furman Actually, its a .287 batting average, but still good- from the article, i expected much less.
1
@Larry Furman. At the risk of being annoying, it’s 28%, which is still amazing. And apparently it includes and NYT byline which is awesome
(39 acceptances/ 140 submissions = 28%)
I love that your rescue dog wags his tail at "No". He knows a thing or two about rejection and resilience.
Resilience is the ability to wag your tail, make people laugh and just keep going in the face of 101 rejections.
Life would be dull if all we got were Yesses.
Thank you for the inspiration and a much needed laugh!
16
Oddly enough, this is also the story of research scientists. We have an idea, try dozens of methods to garner a shred of evidence, write a grant, that if it even gets reviewed (50%), may be rejected (85%), and then start the process over. We do better work, suffer weekly failures in the lab, get the grant, write the paper - rejected! But eventually, if the idea is sound, we contribute a brick to the edifice of knowledge (sometimes that's it), or a new vaccine, or a cure. Once in a lifetime.
71
What a delightful outlook. I could feel your effort, even your disappointments in your words, but the "grit" as you called it and your determination feel like the center of your piece. I know it's a column, not an acceptance, but perhaps a path. Thanks for sharing. Your project, as you call it, will stay with me and mine. Cheers for the holiday Emily, I'd say yes. I think your happy dog Bingo, mirrors your insides.
8
As a 1st generation, bi-racial entrepreneur who has been fortunate and successful, I tell my kids that the only distinction you need in this world is hard work and grit. Ms Winter is demonstrating exactly the distinction that will make her successful in the world. I fear that our tendency toward aggrievement politics where every hill is a mountain and where every failure is a function of the hills leads people to find reason not to try, try, try. I gave a guest lecture at Wharton some years ago and met a young man who had moved from his native Hungary to England. Because of foreign status, he couldnt get a job. His roommate sent out went to over 100 interviews, got frustrated and returned home. He tried over 200 job interviews eventually someone giving him a first job. He eventually saved enough to start a small solar company in his home country but decided to put it on hold to come to "the best business school in the world". to paraphrase, the only guaranteed failure is the failure to try
14
You’re doing great, published in the New York Times no less!
I began my career in the late 70’s as a free lance illustrator before social media and all the venues to be noticed were available. My most favorite rejection at the time was from the New Yorker Magazine. The person who received my printed sample tore it into a hundred tiny pieces and mailed it back to me. Even at the time I knew it said more about that person than me and my work. Every success is made up of a thousand rejections and my colleagues and I spilt lunches and gave each other courage. Yes, I made it and have had the career I dreamed of many times over in many different incarnations. At 62 I’m in my best career groove, as are many of my sandwich sharing peers and we are not done.
Success and failure are twin children of separate mothers. I’ve enjoyed the highs but learned more from the lows. Stay positive, be a vehicle of encouragement to your friends and keep driving. All my best
35
Not sure what the point of this is supposed to be. It’s not really educational or insightful. It’s not witty, funny, or amusing. Wouldn’t it be nice to chronicle this whole process with detailed descriptions of how these decisions are made, executed, and communicated.
1
Oh nice. Rejection #102! ISWYDT.
Vincent, why don’t you go write your own column the way you want it. The rest of us like Emily’s the way it is.
6
@Vincent Smith. Is that 102?
Although they didn't, they could have call Babe Ruth the 'strikeout king', because he struck out many, many more times that he hit. But people only remember the home runs.
You want to hit; you got to swing.
21
Anyone selling something faces a continuous stream of rejections. It doesn't matter if it is their own work and talent, or door to door vacuums, most people are going to say no.
You can get to be a better salesperson and find ways to hunt out better prospects but in truth, no matter what your quota is, or what your own gig economy needs are, you can't force another person to like your writing, or get a bigger mortgage or buy a service policy on a new car.
If you are selling something - your resume, your handmade quilts, your writing, a bid on a road contract (Oh. Wait. Scratch that last one. Corruption and bribery are very effective) - you are in a business in which you'd better get used to rejection and used to figuring out what to change to increase the minuscule chance of being selected.
Looking forward to 100 rejections sounds a lot like doing a smart job. It means you found at least 100 opportunities.
10
Ms. Winter cites her success/failure rate as 39/101. That's a 40% success rate. That doesn't sound so bad.
8
No, that's 39/140 or 27/8% acceptance rate.
2
She received 101 rejections and 39 acceptances. So, that would be 27% acceptance rate (39/140).
1
So grateful for this.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you
4
I think the author hasn’t gotten to the long term effects of her experiment yet. First, 39 acceptance letters out of 140 responses is not a bad ratio. I think she needs to step back and realize that is between a 1:4 and 1:3 acceptance rate for resumes and such is pretty stellar. The long term effect of building contacts, technical experience, and getting her face out there with short term gigs means that long term she’ll end up with a wealth of experience that people who stay in a single job don’t get. I did the ‘mass rejection and many short term gigs career’ when I was in my twenties. It was rough. I lived paycheck to paycheck for most of it. By the time I was 30 I was formulating a plan to catapult those gigs into more long term employment. About five years later I had more then tripled my salary and had jobs hunting me down because they realized those ten years gave me more experience then any of my peers. This is not an uncommon arc for people in creative careers. Very few of us have the skills and experience to break through young but if we don’t get all those rejections we never set ourselves up for long term success.
9
From one joyous pessimist to another, Ms. Winter, as we prepare to celebrate your namesake on the 21st of this month, let us keep in mind the 'Luck Factor', far more challenging than our 'Lot in Life', or the 'Lottery' ticket, the latter which ends badly on a literary note.
6
And the definition of luck is the intersection of opportunity and preparation! My favorite quote but I haven’t been able to find who said it.
2
Missing from this discussion is the relative worth of what is rejected. What is really disheartening is that these days so much seems to be only about branding and what is trending. It's not enough that something finds an audience. Things have to be blockbusters.
How many well-trained, beautiful singers are there out there who have more talent in their little fingers than Britney Spears has in her entire chest? But someone out there decides they won't have wide appeal and they are never even given the chance to see how wide their appeal might be. And how does the public grow in its appreciation of what is good if they are never exposed to something that isn't trending?
Didn't publishers used to say they accepted trash that they knew would sell in order to be able to publish something that wouldn't sell much but needed to be out there? Now if it doesn't pass the elevator pitch stage, it doesn't even get considered.
It's one thing to overcome personal dejection over rejection. It's another thing to be depressed about the state of a world in which making pots of money is the only value, and true value is not even considered.
47
I wrote a novel a couple of years ago - a romantic memoir (lots of my life in it, of course), and I've had two rejections. One was from
a small, boutique agency that sent the kind of rejection letter that was so lovely, I replied and asked for a suggestion. The other rejection was just complete indifference - never replied to me.
I learned a lot from the first rejection - although she said it
was well written , it didn' t "grab her". It made me think perhaps I
was out of date - not enough action/violent twists or perverse
happeninngs. (Perhaps it's my age - 87 - that outdates me). I started to write a mystery, set in Berlin in the early '50's - but I've stopped writing it as I feel it's not my genre. Rejections do teach you things about yourself, even if it puts a big stop sign in front of you.Getting published is tough - and it can be just an ego trip to pursue. Finding the right agent seems hopeless. Rejection
is just not my thing - I just can't win by losing.
15
My understanding is that it is exceedingly difficult to have a book accepted for publication, and near-impossible if one s. submits a manuscript on one's own,
I hope that you have not given up writing due to the rejection you received.
I understand that rejection is extremely painful. The two rejections do not mean that you are not talented author.
After all, the woman from the boutique agent told you that your book was well written.
I watched an interview of Harrison Ford, who relayed that he had read for a part and been told that he had no talent and would never get a role. He had been a housepainter, and resumed painting houses, believing that he had no talent.
After he became a famous actor, he spotted the man who had told him that he was a horrible actor who would never get a part in the studio cafeteria ,and had a note sent across to cafeteria to the man who had rejected him. I can't remember the exact words, but the following is the rough equivalent. :" Remember me ? I'm the person whom you told had zero talent, who would never a one line role in in a movie. talent, Truly, Harrison Ford."
11
@pkay,
Thanking you and DJS for a wry smile. One of the greatest catastrophes in the history of publishing houses was the rejection of 'Harry Potter' by the first.
Now. My father had three or more books on heavy embossed paper, because he seduced a powerful literary agent into believing that they were going to dance together in eternity.
Back to the business of the day. There is a glut on the market for these romantic memoirs unless authored by the Duchess of Clemency, some laced with semi-autobiographical reflections.
Forward Ms. Winter's article herewith with your comment to The New Yorker, and a short story for its review. Nothing ventured, nothing gained is one motto, and brighter in outlook than nothing attempted, nothing lost.
2
@DJS Thanks for your encouragement, but there are so few agents that want to invest their time in you and book publishing has morphed into a small,
trend-driven arena filled with political bios or fantasy mysteries. Also self-publishing is a strong
area now and I consider that something of an ego trip - you pay for it and your work is altered to sell.
It's a world I am out of sync with. My "lovely" novel
sits in another time and place - a bit old fashioned for today's rough moments.
[ editor:
My previous comment has a bad math error. Ms Winter is batting .279 not .387. If you choose to publish the comment, please edit that error.
I also regret the critical tone of my comment, but I trust Ms Winter (and your readers) can handle it. ]
5
@Human Vector My calculator says 39 divided by 101 equals .386
1
@Rob Kneller
39 Acceptances + 101 Rejections = 140 applications/submissions.
39/140 = .279.
If they calculated batting averages your way, Ted Williams would have hit .683 in 1941.
Started my own business 29 years ago.
Read a book 'You can't win if you're not at the Table' written by Ben Stein.
Bottom line: you need to go see 20 people per day [20-B2B].
That's 100 'contacts' in a week.
if you do that it will result in a 5% success return!
After one month you've gained 20 prospective new clients.
Then, after three months you now have 60 clients.
That's the law of large numbers.
Made my contacts:
1): cold calling
2): cold calling
3): cold calling
~knock on their doors
~made a phone call and leave a voice message
~ sent a letter explaining what I wanted
then repeat the process.
A great source of information is the phone receptionist. Make friends with them.
Then ask them for help.
You can't lose!
7
@bobj Sadly, there are no receptionists anymore. And no one listens to voicemails, or even answers their phone. Emily is on the right path. Exposure is everything.
3
All the yesses that you got must have seemed so much sweeter given the no list. You’re very brave and I hope one day the balance flips to more yes than no.
13
Emily, your 100 rejections sound an awful lot like my attempts at weight loss. My scale cruelly rejects me nine out of ten times.
11
The writer, to her obvious delight, has rediscovered Woody Allen's insight: 'eighty percent of success is showing up'. Rejection is hard and always takes some getting over, but the alternative, avoiding rejection at all costs, is just a very sad way to live.
25
Wow. 39 out of 101. That's almost batting 400. Last one to do that was Ted Williams. And 39 paychecks, but she's still living "paycheck to paycheck"? Hey, Emily, where are you living? In the Plaza?
4
Kudos to you Emily! En avant!
8
This seems like a bad mental framing. I shoot for submissions, and write every article as if it should be accepted. If I had it in my mind that I was shooting for rejections, I'm sure many more of them would be rejected!
3
@state college prof..
Learned a long time ago not to argue with success. By comedians' (and artist writ large) standards, Emily is a smash hit.
As I tell my students, it's not a one-size-fits all world. Some self-regulatory strategies that work wonderfully for one type of person actually do more harm than good for other types.
5
When I entered the academic job market over 30 years ago, I sent out over 80 applications in one season and got 2 interviews. Of those 2 interviews, I got one follow up, and from that, a job that lasted to my retirement. So, I only had to go through that rejection hell once. I see that the gig economy this essay mentions makes that hell a constant circumstance, and that those who get used to the heat have a chance of succeeding. I wouldn’t make it today, I don’t think.
16
And you got into the NY Times, Emily! Do you know that Gabriel García Márquez got 56 rejections before One Hundred Years Of Solitude was published? And what about Harry Potter/JK Rowling?
14
@Julie
I once read an article listing the great books that were rejected multiple times. It was a very long list.
1
There are so many 'I statements' in this piece I quit counting.
I,I, I, I, I - who doesn't associate skilled writing with an unceasing pattern of self references?
I, I, am amazed at how much poor writing can get published in the Times, Post, etc.
No wonder print journalism struggles.
3
@stewart bolinger
She wrote a short biography.
I.....don't know how else she could have best referred to herself.
....and about 49x. But that doesn't include "me", "my" of which I.....noticed more than a few.
I....thought it was a nice article, and I.....appreciated the self deprecation, and the relating of one's story that might help another who might read it.
7
@stewart bolinger
Just speaking for myself, I liked the piece more than I care to admit. And I usually don't say things like that because it makes me too conscious of myself.
But just because it had resonance with me doesn't mean that I have to disagree with someone who is not me (or I? Sometimes I don't know whether it's "me" or "I").
Welp, that's all that I have to say for myself. Gonna go get me some breakfast before I starve to death.
3
39 acceptances? 39 acceptances? I thought you got nothing but 101 rejections. I'm sorry but 39 acceptances is better than thirty percent of the rejections. As a writer whose ideas are continuously rejected with zero acceptances I must protest at your protestations.
11
Have Andy call me.
8
Well, what's the worst they can say?
With 39 acceptances, you are batting .387 !
Babe Ruth was immortalized for hitting .342.
With your phenomenally high degree of positive reinforcement, you have no idea what resilience really demands, what perseverance really feels like.
As you whinge about your rejections, you seem to manifest that sense of entitlement that you accuse others of.
1
@Human Vector
Sorry. Math error. You are batting .279.
( Better than most major league players. )
"...statistically speaking, I’m a giant, pathetic failure." is classic humblebrag.
This great column brought to my mind the World Championship of Public Speaking speech by Darren LaCroix called Ouch. Look it up online, it’s only 7 minutes long and hilarious. And uplifting.
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"She argues that grit is more important than innate talent when it comes to success. "
No amount of grit is going to turn someone into a Monet , Pavarotti or Einstein.
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@DJS No, but that’s a crazy barometer for success. Just because you aren’t the .001% of your field does not mean there no place for you! Grit will absolutely turn someone average into someone above average, and there’s more than enough music to be made, art to be painted, and science to be done for above average people to contribute meaningfully to the world.
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Your definition of success is pretty narrow.
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I think the author is on the right track. I also think the dilemma is very common — the fear of rejection — and it's largely rooted in ignorance. The ignorance is rooted in mediocre education. Young people are sent out into the world without a clear understanding of how arbitrarily status will be awarded within the cult of competition that substitutes for culture (a merit based system) in America.
Indoctrinated and told to go out and win! (because winning being the only thing) they aren't aware that it doesn't happen like that in the movies (it really doesn't, and no don't tell me how your brother's girlfriend's cousin got famous).
I'm not an educator but I've segued through several professional settings for several decades in New York and I have to say what was almost always missing among the disappointed is an understanding that you have to continue to educate yourself and improve your work FOR A LIFETIME.. and that's it's own reward.
That needs to be taught — the long run counts most and it's worth it because it's your whole life. Slogging is the road to fame and fortune but it's also the road to ruin. Because there is no justice in life, at least not in New York. So don't beat yourself up about it ever.
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I could relate to Andy's failure in the dating scene. It helps one grow a thick skin to the failures, bloopers, rejection in the dates. A good read, thanks for sharing it.
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This is a good essay because so many will recongized self in it. You actually ARE moving forward: through life as it really is for most people. That is often all that there is. Despite what many milllenials think of the boomer generation, many of us get what you are saying, we have not only been there, but it is still happening to us. There is no "success," there is only good and bad stuff happening, and it mostly seems bad, and then before you know it , you are a 60-something. Horatio Alger et. al. is a myth. The aggressive ambition to succeed in an area that is rife with competition is partly a coastal, big urban thing. What you might not realize: outside that area, people are less stressed but bored, leading quiet lives of desperation thinking what might have been. They didn't try and therefore never achieved failure. Just don't go past your own boundaries of humiliation and you will eventually look back on all the failures as good memories of a life well lived.
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You have my deepest respect for your courage. You'll get where you need to be. Good luck and Merry Christmas.
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Nothing to celebrate in this tale. Seems to justify the dog-eat-dog ugliness prevalent today. I'd rather listen to Woody Guthrie.
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Great piece, Emily, and congrats. I always think of batting averages, where .300 is considered really good, but which means out of 1,000 times at bat, you get a hit 300 times. Of course, the message is, keep swinging. I gotta get out there and fail more...
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I've gotten rejected all my life, in academia, the art world, and relationships. And the worst part is that I got rejected for those who are not the brightest or the most talented. The reason is that those that reject you or are in a position to judge the work of others are not exactly the most talented or bright. They got there through inside connections of every kind, and luck. The current government is an example. Our current society is one that is not based on excellence but on branding. Hopefully, that will change soon. Change is a constant. I'm going to make sure of that by not giving up until the day I die.
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@ART
You have blamed everyone but yourself for the rejections that you have received. There are people who succeed in life who did not have any connections, while connections can certainly help. How does your theory account for rejections in relationship :
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If one peruses Eduardo Porter's piece, and this one, as well as others of late, one cannot help but to conclude that the job market is almost non-existent. I'm retired, and really feel for these poor people. Dear readers- put yourself in their shoes.
Is it any wonder we have a drug crisis? Increased alcohol use? A rash of suicides? Soooo much anger out there. Can we all tone it down a little, please?
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Here’s me thinking that 100 rejections and 39 hits is an incredibly good year.
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As William Goldman said about Hollywood, "nobody knows anything." It's probably true for comedians who get rejected. Keep at it but don't quit your day job.
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Wow, from the title assumed this had to be about on-line dating. That's worse...err I mean better (momentarily forgot the objective is to be rejected). As you said, your friend Andy is still single. And it's funnier too, though not necessarily in a ha-ha sort of way. I'm not a writer (probably guessed that already) but might be able to offer a few words of advice to Andy: MUST LOVE DOGS!
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Here is what I have always done. I say to myself, "The worse that could happen is that they could say 'n'". I do my research, put together a plan, present it, and recall what my parents always told me, "do the best that you can". If I am told "no" and I really want something, I go back to the drawing board and try again.
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Dear Ms. Winter,
Your entire story, including “happy-for-you-But-still-crying-on-the-floor-for-me” is terrific and inspiring. And I mean New Year’s resolution inspiring. Thank you for doing the work and getting exhausted and especially, for writing about it.
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@Susan Lee Miller and not feel defeated by cynical nay saying commenters (usually very bright people) here! You can feel some are just in a bad mood and need another cup of coffee or have a rejection letter in front of them at the moment, perhaps a dog who knows no means no and is sad too. Grateful that Susan wishes to thank you as I did. Here's to Bingo's wagging tail - dogs know people!!
There is no question that rejections of any kind are difficult. Since I feel better when I push the submit button, I try to do it as often as possible.
For 2019, I have decided I will write something every single day, even if it's only one sentence. It boosts my spirits to write.
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I have written a paper that attempts to give a more profound explanation of the rise of authoritarian governments around the democratic world than the usual "populists versus elites" commentary (both populists and elites are outcomes of processes and so cannot be causal factors). It has been rejected and rejected and rejected. May never see the light of day. EVERY journal has written something of this sort, "Our readers would be very interested to read your paper, but unfortunately it does not meet our current needs...". Argh ! I have learned a lot from baseball - succeed 2 times out of ten and you might be kept around for your potential, 2.5 out of 10 and you are average. That is okay. 3 out of 10 and you are in the Hall of Fame. It is encouraging. But academia can shoot down 10 at-bats in no time, well in a year of waiting for journals to get back to you, and challenge even baseball's lessons in sanity. Meanwhile, wouldn't it be good to have as many learned and studied explanations for what ails democracy today as possible? Are the individual journal form of publication, and the collective intellectual need for ideas now in contradiction? Has this all become counter-productive?
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@steven If it's so important, release it to the public. I'm interested!
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Without the presence of rejection, there can be no connection. If you accept rejection as growth, it becomes a win-win scenario...and who wouldn't want that?
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Bravo Ms. Winter. In an era when all I am told about are entitled and coddled millennials, it’s great to read about you doing it the old-fashioned way. Hold on tight to your dreams.
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Sometimes it is not so much the rejection but the way it is done-Here is an example of quotes from one rejection;
"No single aspect of this manuscript is satisfactory... it represents an arbitrary gathering of data from notebooks already well-culled of little or no significance."
I was able to overcome the rejection in a rebuttal - the paper was the first to uncover a major finding in the field that was ultimately replicated thousands of times in many variations.
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39/101 would make me the top author in my field! I once had a paper rejected by 4 journals before it was published- it then became a citation classic. Then there was the time a paper was rejected by 5 reviewers at Nature before it was actually published. Best was one paper was rejected by Cell as the Editor, Benjamin Lewin, didn't like part of it- so I asked could I take that part out and publish it elsewhere. He said sure, so one rejection from Cell became one Cell paper and one Science paper. Almost 100% of my peer-reviewed papers were rejected before publication- I often do more work on rebuttals than the actual original work and sometimes the back and forth continues for about 2 years. Oh, and don't get me started on grants- that is even worse because it has serious consequences...
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Should be an academic as rejection is the norm in our field. We even get detailed reviews written by 2-3 'peers' explaining the inadequacy of our work in minute detail and hinting that we should try another career. 100 rejections would still make you a newby!
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@TMD hahaha
@TMD - thank you for this detailed description of academic writing submission. The specific searing critique of an anonymous academic who seems to know who you are and is also mildly disgusted by your unclear, biased, uninformative take on a meaningless question is a rejection that is its own form of soul-crushing, nightmare-inducing self-reflection.
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Rejection is part and parcel of the Advertising business, from the ideas shot down to the pitches lost. We flew to Germany to pitch a client and back in 36 hours. When we landed in Newark, I had voicemail saying we lost. PS: I have kept the 51 rejection letters received before I landed my first copywriting gig. I’ve been in the business now 41 years.
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One of my favorite rejection stories came from science fiction writer Harlan Ellison years ago on the old "Tomorrow Show" with Tom Snyder. Ellison was a young writer living near Columbia and had spent the entire night typing up a short story for submission. At 7 AM he rushed out and mailed it to a publisher in Midtown. The same day, at three in the afternoon, he checked his mail and found the same manuscript - rejected. And we marvel over Amazon Prime!
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"So I don't regret committing to this masochistic rejection project. It made me feel embarrassed, depressed, overwhelmed and self-indulgent. But I also felt that I was moving forward instead of standing still." A perfect encapsulation of what it feels like to have commented for six years and still be denied approval status. Not knowing whether what you write will appear in two minutes or eighteen hours is frustrating, aggravating and humbling. It also might have made me a better writer.
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@Rick Gage
And an eighteen hours delay is still better than your contribution being denied access to the discussion alltogether.
If I'd be an American citizen and could afford a lawyer I'd sue.
A district court ruled that Trump could not block people on Twitter, because it violates their first amendment rights to participate in a public forum.
So why can this pivotal public forum?
It's relentless discrimination to give people different access status. Some get treated to a conspicuous and crucial delay in getting published, some don't? Wow. Just wow.
There are already three different categories of these comments. Then just create a fourth 'bad' comment container. And a fifth with all and each and any of them in real-time sequence. No more access discrimination by intentional and cruelly dismissive and denigrating delays. It's only just and fair.
Somebody sue please.
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@Rick Gage
"It also *MAY* have made me a better writer."
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@Rick Gage - When I teach people how to write letters to the editor, I tell them that even unpublished letters add to the discourse by telling the editors what folks are thinking, and thus, what perspectives should be included in published material. So they are not a waste of time. I am grateful for the Times’ curated commentary, even when my comment is not chosen. Online commentary quickly becomes troll sewer without curation, and I believe it drives down readership as well as commentary submissions.
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Hmmm... Then there are those of us who have 100 rejections, then 100 more, then 100 more, and no wins. Ever. Yet we keep going. Go figure. I think it's probably because of that cat you enjoy; or the cup of tea. Or feeling good that you helped someone. I guess there is more to life than "success."
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@Cornucopial It's the process that matters - sure, success feels good when you get it, but it is fleeting. IF you don't do it for the intrinsic love of it (or at the very least, it's not boring, it's positives outweigh the negatives, etc.), you won't be happy. If you're doing it to succeed or
I'm way more successful in my career than I am at this game I enjoy and play called Pokemon Go, especially with my 11 year old daughter. It's a game based on a little skill and a lot of RNG. So you win some and you lose some and for me it has gotten me exercising again. I'm 5'8" and a pretty skinny guy (used to be 120-140lbs and went up to150-160 lbs, mostly around my waist, and now it's back to 140lbs again) and I feel healthier than ever. I do enjoy the game itself - so I enjoy the walking part, and I enjoy the playing/catching Pokemon but to gain certain things in the game is a bit of luck. I've had some wins here and there but mostly losses. But if I focussed on the wins (which do give me this dopamine boost for a moment) I'd get incredibly frustrated with the game and stop playing it. It's the basic grind/process that I enjoy enough that I'm willing to tolerate the frustration and take the wins and losses as they come.
Of course, it's just a game, but I think life is largely like that. You get a few wins, you're coasting at other times, and there are losses. The relative rates depend on your luck and your perseverance: the more you fail, the more you're pushing yourself.
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@Cornucopial,
I call that fighting off despair; a normal state of being.
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@RamS
Ha, love your example. But certainly much of the value of your experience is your time with your daughter, I'd think.
Yes, perseverance.. the process too, as you say, definitely create a "life" with a certain amount of pleasure inherent on the way.
Enjoyed the story and wish you continued success. I gained some perspective from the piece and the comments. As a person in my 60's, I had a very different experience out of college. But it still took a few years to find a career path I loved and some success in my field. Perseverance was very important then and has continued to be important.
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I wish I got 100 rejections this year. Instead I had over 250 no-responses and a handful of rejections that were just computer generated. I did get two offers, though. The first was incredibly insulting and there was no way I could take it. The second, remarkably, was for my dream job.
Hope is out there. Perseverance and a light at the end of the tunnel will keep you going. I burned through savings and put myself deeply in debt for the chance to do something amazing. It worked.
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@Silent This is awesome! A real lesson; I will take it to my students. Thank you so much.
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I don't know if my job is harder or easier than comedy writer: I am a literary writer. My goal is to publishing in literary magazines and journals, sometimes web-only, that produce anthology-like combinations of short fiction, narrative essays, and photography once to four times a year. The "best" of these publications make it into "Best American Essays" or "Best American Short Stories." Otherwise, the years of effort that go into each short story or essay might be read by the 50 to 5 thousand subscribers (print journal) and whomever comes across the journal's website.
I aim for 100 rejections a year.
I also count how many submissions I make and my positive rejections (personal notes from editorial staff).
In 2018, I hit 100 rejections by mid-October. To date, I've submitted 167 piece. I have received 121 rejections; 38 positive rejections; and published 8 literary short stories or essays.
I'm having a great year. Rejection is hard, but not being rejected means I'm not submitting.
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@Alle C. Hall: "Rejection is hard, but not being rejected means I'm not submitting."
Great !!!!!
Not being rejected is AWFUL !!! Shows we are wimps and not trying hard ENOUGH.
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Maybe it's by now too to mention, but the quote by the ice hockey great Wayne Gretzky comes to mind here: "You miss one hundred percent of the shots you don't take."
You took a lot of shots and not only got acceptances in a competitive field, you, as Angela Duckworth said, developed grit. And all while being under forty (if not thirty). Good for you; while it's always possible to develop tenacity at any age, it gets much less likely after hitting sixty.
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@Bridgman
Dr. Duckworth was not quoted as having said that the author developed grit.One can not develop grit. Grit is a s personality trait that remains stable over time. One either has grit, or does not, in the way that one has blues eyes or does not.
@DJS Winter wrote: "Dr. Duckworth explained that what I was doing was 'exposure therapy'— making myself more comfortable with failure to reduce my fear of it." That's a huge part of grit. From Time, May 12, 2016: "The good news is that grit isn’t like eye color or shoe size—it’s not something you’re born with. 'I think people can learn to be gritty, I really do,' said Duckworth."
I've been surprised that Duckworth or someone else hasn't published a self-help book on how to develop grit. If anyone does, this article should be in it or at least mentioned.
@DJS No, you can develop grit.
Almost half of this year was also full of rejections for me. When I abruptly quit my fast fashion corporate job in July, I was so hopeful a progressive company would be eager to take on a passionate and dedicated applicant -- but to my dismay, this was not the case.
From the beginning, I told myself to stay focused and I did, but 3 months passed, I used up my savings and not much progress.
It wasn't until today, yes today! that I finally got a congratulatory email.. and I'm thrilled! The silver lining of the time off was that it helped build confidence in pursuing other projects of mine. So I view rejection differently now as it has helped build courage and curiosity.
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This, sadly, is the world we live in today. If it makes the author feel any better her success rate in comedy is vastly better than my success rate in academia. Roughly 200 job applications, exactly four successes. Not good.....
It is hard when you feel like you’ve done everything right, and still aren’t making progress (and seeing people with far less to their name advancing ahead of you). Given the state of the economy, though, what can you do? Just carry on and hope the next pitch works.
The middle class is ok, and the American dream is dead. This is the new normal.
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@KW: That part about the Américan dream was totally unnecessary. Do not see where it fits here. As an European, I can say it's not any better here. It isn't better in China either and it's TERRIBLE in places such as russia.
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@KW 'The middle class is gone' was what I meant to type. Since there is NO EDIT FEATURE this'll have to do...
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Suddenly I don't feel so bad. I keep reading about statistical full employment and wonder what's wrong with me that I haven't found a teaching job in ten months.
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Loved your story ! Can empathize since I've been in sales and performing arts. I have found when I do not feel desperate, I get the job or sale. Also, keeping busy with other areas of my life and not obsessing is a big help. However, pursuing a career path in the arts was the hardest plan of action but it built intense creativity, originality, intellect, the feeling/illusion of youth, and accomplishment, which is not found in sales. Writing and comedy allows for broader demographic boundaries, which can only be found commercial auditions. Once you decide "it's over" with Hollywood, life is a redundant, sad, and boring journey. Good luck to you !!
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So brave. Important for every creative soul (that would be everyone, ideally) to acclimate to rejection, to keep trying, and to make something new. Over and over. Forever.
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In my opinion, getting 100 rejections is not reality. Usually, it is 90 no replies after sending out resumes, 9 no replies after interviews, and 1 rejection.
Hiring company needs to shows some respects to candidates after they decide not to hire them by telling them the decision.
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Sounds like online dating!
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@Ziyi I was so disgusted by the lack of follow up by prospective employers that when I finally go that big job I quickly told my new HR manager to respond to every single application that we received.
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