What a heartbreaking ordeal. What a brave and dedicated wife and mother this woman is.
It's so stunning to think how many young go into the military believing the fantasies seen in movies and video games, totally unprepared for what can happen when things go bad.
Wouldn't it be nice if the son contemplating a military career found instead a calling in helping people as a civilian in our troubled society?
2
I strongly urge you, if you haven't already, to seek out SAW.org... Save A Warrior is an organization that can help your husband and family. If not them, perhaps another. There *IS* help out there, but I understand the logistics of finding it, daunting to say the least. Equine therapy is another option... you may not think it works... but I've seen it. It does. http://www.operationwearehere.com/EquineTherapy.html
I'm so very sorry for the trauma and stress your family is enduring.
1
I’m sure this will not be received well but I have a problem keeping kids in unsafe and unpredictable situations .
The son has attempted suicide once . These kids are at high risk and need to be the priority even if it means breaking up the family to keep them safe and secure.
“ Begging” him ( teenage son ) to lead normal life ? Then provide the nurturing , safe atmosphere. He’s a kid .
Written by someone who grew up in unsafe home . Sorry the guy is a veteran and is struggling but the minor children take priority .
2
I have been diagnosed with PTSD and a TBI. I don't remember the IED blast but I have some scars on my neck and arms. I was evacuated to Germany right away then Walter Reed. I don't remember the trip. I take five different psychiatric medications. I refuse pain medication so I live with chronic pain. My wife left me. No kids. I spend most of the day in bed. I would pay anything for a drug that would stop me from having nightmares. The nightmares are awful. And there are odors which make me have intense flashbacks of dead bodies. It is a sweet-stale-sick odor like vomit. I usually stay awake all night and fall asleep from exhaustion after the sun comes up. I neglect my hygiene and go for days just dressed in my underwear. I don't eat well. I can't handle crowds so I go to a 24 hour Walmart to buy groceries at 3:00 am. My memory loss is scary. My cousin comes over and writes out my checks for my bills once a month. I don't enjoy anything any more. I go days without interacting with anyone. I very strongly encourage this wife and mother to do everything she can to prevent her children from enlisting in the military. If her son wants to do something meaningful to serve his country and community, suggest that he become a firefighter or paramedic.
7
Unlike what the Armageddon Evangelicals and Neo-Con Likudniks told us, wars of choice and aggression in the Muslim world are not fun, easy, and cheap ending in tickertape parades and yellow ribbons. This was a lesson that should have been learned by the atrocity laden Vietnam war of aggression.
I feel very badly for this traumatized family but there needs to be broader introspection about the costs of American militarism often linked to ideologies of racial and religious supremacism. In this vein, I am also surprised that the writer would wish a career in the military for her son, especially since the US has long been engaged in offensive wars of choice and imperialism and not defense since WWII.
1
You might want to get hold of a book called "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk, a long-time expert and researcher in PTSD and trauma-related mental heath problems.He is associated with a number of excellent trauma facilities and is professor of psychiatry at Boston University School of Medicine. His research has led him to an interest in mind-body connections in trauma, in addressing the body as well as the mind in seeking treatment. He is not a kook. I promise. Also, please don't encourage your son to go into the military. If his father had not suffered so as a result, it might be different, but I would strongly urge him (and you) to discuss this with aa professional.
5
I wouldn't let my kid join the military. especially after seeing the brain damage suffered by your husband. you are not getting reimbursed for the years of loser income as well as the years of lost happiness. You were tricked out of a medical retirement when the military kept him in duty after the IED. That was deliberately done so that he would be diagnosed with a brain injury backed up by MRI and X-Ray. And, it seems, you were cheated out of the regular retirement close to the end of his time in the military. Perhaps someone should do an analysis of when such injuries occur to see what the incidence distribution is with respect the a person's time in service.
It seems like your husband might do well with a man cave or study shed, to give him a quiet place where he can relax away from the noisy children. And so you don't all have to walk on eggshells around the house.
You may need psychological support because you are missing part of the support you would have from your husband, because if his injury.
1
I have nothing to offer other than this was just heartbreaking to read. You are a hero for fighting for your family. Hidden disabilities can be the most challenging; not one will ever fully understand the reality of your husbands disability.
Liz, I have nothing but the deepest admiration for you. Remember to take care of yourself, though. Anyone facing what you face every day needs ways to get rest, debrief, and re-charge. May you all heal safely.
1
I really would like to know. What exactly are you fighting for in this endless generational quagmire war in Afghanistan?
1
All those billions spent on military hardware and yet these grievously wounded warriors are simply abandoned to cope as well as they can when they get home? Absolutely shameful.
2
Let's create fewer veterans...shall we?
2
Commenters: Please consider (just my opinion) NOT asking Ms. Rotenberry more questions about what she has or hasn't tried to mend her family. Some of these questions ironically seem to suggest that she hasn't done enough to fix a horrendous situation that is beyond her control. That pains me. I can imagine she's done it all and then some. Your questions: Did you xxx? Did you not try xxx? What about XX? I can't presume, but I don't think the author is asking for hints about dealing with many layers of trauma. I'm just suggesting that she needs our help and support, not another to-do list.
Re: your son wanting to join the Marines- I feel like I just read a 1,500 word description somewhere of why that might not be a great idea.
1
So why is US mil still in Afghanistan?
...oh yeah, I forgot..."nation-building"...the USA nation deteriorates at home, tax payers endlessly boondoggled in the territory where Bin Laden escaped...but now dead...
As I recall, NYT ran op-eds by Iraqi intellectuals, post-9-11-2001, on why the US should resist getting revenge there... 18 years later the Pentagon and trump can't figure it out, but Trump is perpetually ready to blame someone else...like Obama...and to increase US mil spending...
Liz,
I feel you so much and I am glad you are sharing your story, esp with regard to the effect your husband's injury has had on your children. My ex-husband and I divorced in 2015 after I took care of him for seven years post-accident, when a tree limb fell on his head. What I haven't been able to write about is the effect of both the TBI and the divorce, as both have been devastating to our two kids, now teens. I was able to process my grief through creative writing and published a book this year - it's called The Shame of Losing (Red Hen Press). I'm blogging about it with Brainline.org and elsewhere to get the word out. The financial stress of a five-year-long Workers' Compensation claim on top of the loneliness of not knowing my husband anymore and feeling largely misunderstood by family and friends, pushed me over the edge where I behaved poorly in my marriage. Now that the book is out, I am hearing that it's been helpful for people - anyone dealing with an ambiguous loss - to feel less alone in their humanity. None of us are perfect, We are growing and learning all the time. And no one ever expects to deal with something so confusing like PTSD or TBI, and no one expects to dissolve a marriage you committed to. Thanks for your work in the TBI world, and for sharing this essay.
1
Have you considered a service/comfort/therapy dog? A specially trained dog could be an additional type of therapy for Chuck, and the whole family. A service dog's benefits are proven.
3
For those of you who think the draft should be reinstated - it's not going to happen. The military abandoned the draft after the Vietnam War because it was largely draftees and their families that brought the protests against that war to a head and exposed it as the immoral obscenity, propagated by dishonest leaders, that it was.
In order to recruit soldiers after that that they upped the benefits, and disseminated the old propaganda that war is glorious, and is 'serving your country', and all of that - a lot of which the public goes along with.
War is not glamorous, nor does it serve your country . It serves the lucrative political gains of the military industrial complex and their still dishonest and cynical leaders. Most veterans I know from Iraq and Afghanistan realized this soon after their deployments and got out as soon as they could.
6
These courageous families deserve our country’s full support - financially above all else. We must do more.
1
Ms. Rotenberry, you've said it all here. So well and completely stated, so clearly and succinctly.
I get it.
You are not alone, if that helps.
Great to hear your kids are improving with professional care.
Best to you all.
1
Why is a 12 year old child left alone to care for younger siblings in an unpredictable and unsafe environment?
How frightening , overwhelming and insensitive . Not to mention traumatic and potentially dangerous .
2
Solamente Una Vox asks why the author would encourage her son to serve in the military. I do not believe that she did. She is simply accepting his choice, which I doubt is easy.
1
This is a heart-wrenching read. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m very sorry for the terrible toll that America’s unjust wars have taken on your family. I wish your husband would never have gone to Afghanistan. And I hope your son will not enter the armed services as too many lives have been destroyed and/or lost (both here and overseas) as a result of our misbegotten militarism.
“My first wish is to see this plague of mankind, war, banished from the earth.” — George Washington
3
My brilliant uncle graduated from MIT and West Point. After service in Korea, he lost his mind, then his family. I have cousins out there somewhere whom I dimly remember, but I'll never know them now.
David Sirota has shown that the military coordinates with film studios to make movies that glorify war and to suppress antiwar films. It's time for some balance.
Whatever happened to swords into plowshares?
6
This is a very intense and moving story. This sentence has my attention;
"We were separated from the love and support of our fellow military families."
In cases of a traumatic brain injury and mood swings - immediate "love and support" should be activated instead of waiting for family near-collapse. The soldier needs to go right into a rehab setting for brain injury; outpatient if possible and inpatient if necessary. But the instant focus should be right on the children and spouse; Behavioral health right up front for the kids and support for the spouse as needs identified. A soldier, male or female, usually is dedicated to their family as reflected by their dedication to their country. If the soldier is impaired while protecting us, then we as a nation step in to protect that soldier's family.
We need a tailored exit strategy for our veterans, that is well thought out and supported. No soldier, or their family, left behind.
7
This was a heart-wrenching story. I do not have any military experience - nor do I even have many friends who have served. I am part of that group of Americans who, unfortunately, take the military for granted or only take it into consideration when contemplating the disastrous foreign entanglements the US seems to continuously find itself bogged down in.
The author of this article is as much of a soldier (and as much of a casualty) as her brave husband. I am in awe of her strength - and though I have long read about the psychological and physical traumas shouldered by our returning veterans, the author’s words have once again opened my eyes to the strength needed on the home front by the families who must care for our returning soldiers in a way that no VA hospital ever can.
I hope that writing this article was cathartic for the author - and brings her some degree of comfort knowing that her words connected with this reader. I truly wish her and her family all the best.
12
Not only American service members and their family suffer the consequences of war but every single American is paying the price for America’s foreign policies and obsession with military dominance. Think about the annual Pentagon budget, which exceeds the next seven largest combined budgets, and the opportunity costs that it imposes on American society. America is now viewed less favorably by the whole world except one. What happened to the author ‘s husband and family is a tragedy but it’s a tragedy that this country could have avoided with a different approach to foreign policies and national mindset.
9
Rather than privatize the VA, which our current president and his cronies want...which would put the health and treatment of veterans with both visible and invisible injuries in the hands of for-profit corporations, we must demand that the VA be funded and trained and equipped to deal with the thousands of soldiers who are coming from from an endless war.
Someone I know recently remarked that the current generation is "weak" and the Greatest Generation didn't have things like PTSD, they just "got on with it."
Of course there has always been PTSD, whether it's called "shell shock" or another name. And many men and women who came home from all our wars were never the same.
With our professional army and endless deployments, the quality and kind of injuries sustained by our soldiers are new and serious.
Every representative who doesn't support adequate efunding and treatment for veterans because we "can't afford it" is betraying the men and women who have come home as different people. And their families.
And since so few people in our country now have little or no experience of military service, it's also up to those who DON'T go to find out what happens, and how they can help.
11
Keep the faith, Liz. I am very sorry for the pain your husband, you, and your children endure. Our country asks a lot of our service members and their families. The "thank you for your service" baloney doesn't cover the trauma our guys and gals endure. You are the rock for your husband and your kids. I appreciate your sacrifice as do the rest of us. I wish I could help your son. Please tell him we love him and appreciate his efforts to protect his siblings. He is dealing with adult emotions too early, but he will survive and be a wonderful man.
War never ends for those involved and those who keep the home fires burning. Thank you for your sacrifice and your compassion.
17
My heart goes out to this brave and heroic family. Stay strong and loving to one another. You are my hero Liz.
9
The portion of her husband's difficulties that are due to PTSD can be treated and reduced, maybe even nearly eliminated, by a skilled psychologist who knows contemporary treatment protocols for PTSD. I have seen many cases of PTSD + concussive injury where, once the PTSD is successfully treated, the residual effects of the concussive injury are not debilitating and, sometimes, not even noticeable. This man needs effective treatment. The key is to find a talented psychologist who knows how to guide a patient through the proper treatment.
10
It does not have to be a psychologist. It could be any qualified and licensed therapist skilled to work with a trauma focus.
3
How many such experts are out there, and what is the cost?
This is a heart-breaking story but I have to echo the question/comments raised by Solamenta Una Voz. The issue, which others around the world struggle to understand, is the American obsession with war and military action as being the go-to answer for any geopolitical grievance that seems too complex for diplomacy. The article solemnly articulates the personal tragedies that this behaviour inflicts back home and yet the author is still willing to perpetuate this warring mindset into the next generation.
20
My wife has suffered for the past 2 plus years from a brain injury from a car accident. Your words all felt so familiar. The never knowing when a "brain" attack will come on (she describes it as feeling like concrete has been poured into her skull and is hardening), the exhaustion, the sleeplessness at night, the hours spent sleeping after an activity of more than an hour, or a noisy environment, or stress of any kind, the teenage daughter who feels she has to keep her alive and safe. But everyone, even her most loving and supportive family and friends, say, "But she looks so healthy." Looks, as they say, can be deceiving. 17 doctors and myriad bills later she is finding some relief from neurological reorganization exercises and a move to a low humidity environment. Good luck and bless you. We're all exhausted at our house. Illness is not just about the one with the chronic condition. All it's ills are catching.
31
My heart breaks for you and your family. My brother suffered TBI in 1972 and lived through it. The travesty today is we cannot prove he was a minor child at the time of accident because of revisions to the records law that allowed hospitals and doctors to dispose of records. My family was not prepared for the outcome. Nobody understood because folks died from these kinds of injuries. Survival was not part of the prognosis. I wish you all the best of luck as you continue to navigate and heal.
12
God bless Liz. As a former Marine with my own challenges, I applaud your positive approach and wish you and your family only the best!
13
My father married late in life, but spent years 18-21 in a German POW camp. POWs were released, and sent home with the attitude that since they weren't in prison, they were fine. He was never fine. He turned to alcohol as medication.
I had a medical issue that pulled me out of gym in 6th grade, much to the relief of my mother, as she was afraid teachers would see the bruises from his beatings. I often wondered if teachers saw only a perfect student, or if they wondered if something was wrong. The slightest thing triggered his anger. The sound of the phone. A book left on a table. And, he would dwell on the same infraction for many evenings. I hated week-ends, and loaded up on activities to remain at school until after his 5pm bedtime. He was a functional drunk, and showed up sober every day at work. Home by 3:30, drunk by 4, and, thankfully, in bed by 5. Week-ends were 48 hours of alcohol.
My mother has forgotten it all. She actually accused me of lying about it all, when I made a reference to a beating. She taught in our system, and there was a constant fear that people would find out, and she would lose her job.
I understand everything her children feel. I understand trying to be perfect to prevent an outburst, and falling short at times. People who don't experience it, do not understand, and, in my experience, never will.
55
Wow! War is a disruptor alright, sometimes for ever. Just wondering why you think your son can benefit from the same risks (if not more) than his father's PTSD, not a small matter, and not the prudence in seeking more humane alternatives.
19
You are my heroine, Liz Rotenberry. Thank you for being the beautiful person you obviously are. The world could so use a few more people like you.
10
This home environment sounds very similar to what my family experienced living with my now ex-husband, who never went to war, he was just abusive (with some big mental health diagnoses). I stayed because I thought I was supposed to be a caregiver, as a wife and as the mother of our children. I finally sought help by asking for a mental health referral from our family doctor, and she said, "That's not depression," (about him) "that's abuse." - Things were serious enough that I was terrified for our safety, because he had murderous fantasies.
Anyway, I think it is criminally negligent of the military to use up and break their soldiers like this and cast them off to family members who are ill equipped to handle the demands of caregiving at the level they need.
43
Depression and other mental illnesses can and often do trigger abusive behaviors in people. Rather than either/or, it can be both. We the family members trying to help are usually the main targets. The person with the symptoms is obliged to seek and accept treatment for trauma, mental illness and/or substance abuse (in whatever combination they occur) and to refrain from abusing those within striking (or raging) distance.
2
I spent the last 7 years of my career working on a team of providers only serving Active Duty Service Members (SMs) who had TBi and co-morbid psychological health conditions. The team(s) consisted of a PC, a nurse, a Social Worker, psychiatrist, neuropsychologist, psychologist, speech-language pathologist, audiologist, physical therapist, radiologist, optometrist, arts therapist, music therapist, Warrior Canine Connection personnel . . . and, when needed, SMs were referred to . . . ENT, urology, podiatry, etc. physicians.
All the SMs had trouble with sleep, pain and meds (too little, too much) because of the nature of today's military requirements and experiences. Every American should know this already, and accept that Veterans have multiple medical health needs.
In 2012, "Chuck knew something was wrong" and separated from Service, yet he did not receive the health care that he needed. Further, it sounds as though only Mrs. Chuck was capable during all this time -- family & friends were all less than helpful, even mean, and the children were confused, angry and at sea at what the home life was about.
There ARE providers out here who can help those with TBI and PTS and . . . anxiety, memory loss, irritability (hallmarks of TBI). Rather than taking on 55 duties to try to hold the family patch-worked together, FIND those providers who know what they're doing and How to Help!!!!!
10
@jo she shouldn’t have to figure it out. The DOD should be pro-actively doing it. If we can’t do that we should not be in a unconstitutionally declared war for 17 years!! This is part of the cost of being at war, and all U.S. global businesses and the 1% should have their taxes exorbitantly raised to pay for it, since they’re the ones benefiting from the wars.
1
The author and her husband signed up for this. It might be harsh but it's true. It sounds like for the sake of their children they should be kept away from their father. He seems to be doing more harm than good.
12
No. WE signed up for this when we asked Marine Chuck Rotenberry to serve in our military, and voted for a war without end or clearly understood goals, and paid for endless military escalation.
Agree or don't agree: it's our nation, our government, our military, and our responsibility, together.
This is a terrifying story. But this family should not be in it alone. One of the reasons scientists and psychologists think PTSD was not as bad in WWII soldiers was the profound sense soldiers had that they were truly supported on the home front, and fighting for a worthy cause.
Our government, like it or not, represents us. If we don't like this war, we should end it: not discard our used up soldiers.
20
Your comments are uncalled for. People volunteer to serve in their nation’s military out of a sense of duty. They didn’t sign over all rights to be treated with dignity or understanding. A lot of service personnel may disagree with politicians who sent them in harm’s way, but they recognize their responsibility to follow through with their tasks. We are all in their debt. The author was simply trying to describe her family’s own battles and you are not able to even give her a shred of understanding. Your attitude is heart breaking.
1
What makes you say PTSD was less in WWII vets? I know several who turned to alcohol, just because we won doesn’t mean they didn’t experience battle and in some cases witnessed thousands die.
1
I admire the author’s courage, but this story makes me sick to my stomach.
Her husband shouldn’t have been in Afghanistan.
It’s long past time to bring our troops home.
I just hope our government is taking care of our service personnel and their families.
29
@Annie Gramson Hill
Unfortunately Annie, our government is only interested in young healthy kids, the dead and wounded get nothing more than thoughts and prayers. Just think how many veterans end up living on the streets!! Veterans of the richest country in the world that volunteer to give their lives are eating out of dumpsters and sleeping on the sidewalk.
Thank you for your courage in sharing this and for your family's years of service. Having worked at military bases here and abroad, I have seen many many cases of Secondary PTSD. Children and spouses are highly impacted by all aspects of military service, from frequent moves to the uncertainty if a partner/parent will return home from deployment, adjusting to long absences and difficult transitions, etc. When there is a traumatic injury of any kind, and/or PTSD, everyone in the family is impacted. I hope that Command begins to remove the stigma of stress related injuries, and to proactively reach out to military spouses and children to educate them and better prepare them regarding Secondary PTSD. It is sad that this family felt they had to leave service in 2012 - this perhaps cut them off from a community, which had it been more educated, might have helped hold the Rotenberry's in their pain. I hope this family finds the support that they all need in order to heal.
18
My family was in a very similar situation. And my eldest was also convinced he had to follow in his father's footsteps. Even though his father was desperate to stop him. Thankfully an unrelated to his secondary PTSD issue kept him out. 5 years later he has thanked us repeatedly for not encouraging him.
Thank goodness the "he looks fine to me" comments stopped a decade or so ago (or at least they do it behind my back now) Because I was one more snarky comment away from taking the family and moving across the country to get away from our 'friends and family'. You guys aren't the ones with sleep deprivation as I try to raise his kids and keep watch so he can get a few hours of sleep. It took years to get to the point where he trusted me enough to stand watch for him and relax.
The affect on the kids was significant. I imagine it affects me as well. But I love them and I love him. And we make it work. It's just not easy.
19
My husband has a TBI he fell in 2010. I can unfortunately relate to a lot of the family situation, and because of the injury and other factors we decided to not have children because it was hard enough me caring and helping him day to day and he is on permanent disability while I work. TBI is an injury that you cannot see so most think your fine but caregivers see the real parts of it.
9
Like most I feel very bad for this man, and his family. It is truly a human tragedy.
However, there are literally millions in Iraq who had their homes blown up, and families murdered. It is going on now in Yemen with U.S. support.
So, while this is a tragedy, it is tiny compared to the tragedies we inflict on others with nary a second thought.
30
@John Each and every human tragedy is a tragedy. It's not a contest.
As a retired mental health practitioner who has provided care to many clients with PTSD over the years I was in practice, I found your story heart breaking. You have obviously done all the right things to help heal the wounds to your family brought about by your husband’s trauma. It took great courage for you to share your story and I am hopeful that those who read it will be inspired by your bravery. Thank you for you and your husband’s service to our country. Godspeed
21
I share the thoughful words of others, as a woman, you are my hero.
My brother was deployed to the Middle East, and he was never the same.
I dont understand why your son would want to follow his father's footsteps? Has your family not made a multitude of sacrifices already? Have others try to persuade him to seek a career that serves others, besides being in the military?
Your family has suffered so much and sacrificed so much already, dont sacrifice your son's life more.
I thank the women and men who decide to become soldiers, deploying away from their families not knowing what could happen to them. I thank the families of those men and women too. May you all come home safe.
87
I am a semi-retired physician who occasionally does disability exams for Veterans. I hear similar stories from many Veterans and their families. I am so sorry for your loss of "normalcy" and that your children must suffer. We need to ensure that all Veterans AND their dependents get ALL the help they need. We can never fully repay them for what they have sacrificed with their service to our country. And we must also re-examine the wars we fight and how we put so many in harms way so needlessly. We have a lot of work to do. My heart goes out to you and your family.
181
@Barb-Thank you. Reading Liz Rotenberry's family story makes me want to help as they sound like they need a part-time or full-time caregiver who can help ease the husband's and family's burdens and address the challenges leading to more health and recovery.
6
Of course they need help. But who will pay? Not the government - it spent its money on a tax cut for the wealthy.
16
Thank you for sharing this personal, heart-wrenching story. My father was in Vietnam and he was one of the “lucky” ones - he didn’t lose a limb or have traumatic injuries, although his exposures to various defoliants have caused numerous health problems and he came back to the family as a completely different person than the one who left.
One of the things that bothered me the most reading this (after of course the horrific toll it has taken on your children and you), was that it sounds like you don’t have a good support network and this must just drain all of you to the limit. We humans aren’t meant to shoulder burdens alone and having no one who understands can be the breaking point. It must be so hard to leave the Marine network and be off on your own. And loved ones who get annoyed for tardiness? How callous. They should be joyous and thankful that everyone can come together. Is there a way to meet more military families in your area? Can the psychologists meet with the children’s teachers and provide them some guidance on what would benefit your children? Usually once people get the full picture, they want to help.
My heart goes out to you. All the best to you and your family.
157
I grew up in a military family during the fifties and sixties. Mom served too, at least until the waist band on her uniform couldn’t be buttoned and she had to resign. No maternity uniforms in the fifties.
Why would the author encourage her son to join the military?
The life that her and her family experience daily is the result of her husbands military service.
There are many professions that embody caring and service to others and don’t require bloodshed and the killing of others.
War is not the answer.
210
@Solamente Una Voz your comment is short sighted. War sometimes is the answer. Depends on the question. And the military didn't hurt this Marine. It's an honor when your schools wants to grow up and do what you do and it's honorable to serve in the mlitary . My son is a 3d generation Marine. His father is a Marine who has served in combat and his grandfather was killed in Vietnam. You should get to know some men and woman that serve and talk to them.
7
Former VA psychologist here. Despite the bureaucracy that pervades the VA, the truth is that this organization is on the front lines of trying to implement evidence-based treatments for PTSD, TBI, and other conditions that disproportionately affect our military veterans ("evidence-based" means that such treatments have been shown in research trials to be effective). However, no treatment is 100% effective, and even amid a push in the field of psychology to promote and disseminate evidence-based practices, many practitioners don't hold themselves to the highest standards when it comes to keeping up with the literature and providing the best treatments identified by science.
I hope your husband is able to find a clinic (within VA or outside) that offers Prolonged Exposure or Cognitive Processing Therapy for PTSD and provides support and treatment for TBI. I hope you are able to access effective behavioral treatments for your children (check out Cognitive Behavioral Therapy if you haven't already). Awareness of and access to evidence-based treatment is critical to help individuals and families effectively manage mental health in the long-term. Good therapy helps people develop the skills to manage the problem, so that they do not remain forever locked into treatment. Our field can do better at promoting science and helping patients understand the difference between psychiatry (mostly medication) and psychology (therapy), integrating both for holistic and effective care.
141
@Sarah, I appreciate your opinion and thank you for taking time to offer advice.
As the spouse of a veteran with moral injury, PTSD and mTBI, I respectively disagree with you.
The VA is eons behind modern medicine when it comes to understanding invisible injuires.
Exposure therapy sent my husband into a suicidal spiral - it can be extremely detrimental to veterans struggling with TBI and PTSD.
21
@Sarah
I am a psychologist and respect your knowledge base. I do. But I wonder about your adding, "good therapy helps people develop the skills...so they do not remain forever LOCKED in treatment." One, the use of Locked is strange, many of these people are desperate for treatment and frankly, trauma is a game changer and while therapy of any type is perhaps limited, short term options for much deeper problems is concerning. And two, yes some people will need ongoing therapy or support for life. It's complex trauma and they are forever changed. Add underlying personality issues that existed in some individuals before the trauma and the picture is complicated indeed. There is no short term way out for some people. Psychodynamic therapy has science behind it too but is longer term and may be valuable here as well.
14
@Megan As a disabled veteran with a traumatic brain injury I ask that the NYT does a followup on the lack of care that we receive. I have to ask each appointment, do you know anything about TBI. My latest appointment with the allergy doctor told me to set a timer on my phone to take a medication. She hadn't seen the already 40 other timers I had along with stickies notes throughout the house. Don't ever think the VA understand TBI.
21
This article is bad in the sense it could affect enlistments .. this type of thing should not be published .. unpatriotic..
@Richard Guthrie - One can only hope that this is true. I dream of the day that NO ONE- of any age, any gender, in any country in the world - joins the military. Maybe then we can all put down our weapons and figure out how to get along.
15
@Richard Guthrie. Woah, dude. A transparent and free press is part of the bedrock of our democracy and THAT is what is patriotic.
21
@Richard Guthrie Troll or Trump voter? If you're such a patriot, get out there and enlist. Encourage your kids and grandkids to enlist. And when they come back home damaged and traumatized, tell them they can't talk about it because it's unpatriotic.
After all that, sh would be okay with her traumatized son going off to some future pointless war.
"When will they ever learn? When will they ever learn?"
17
Thank you for telling your story. I must admit, I have not thought about the contagion of PTSD. Heartbreaking to see the effects on your children. War IS hell.
7
Sending a boatload of good karma your way from chilly New England. May you all find a moment of peace today.
5
It’s like living with a severe alcoholic.
7
It's unfortunate that W's dad didn't have a friend or relative like Chuck. Maybe he would've thought twice ?
4
Why is the US military in Afghanistan again? Oh yeah, as a pretext to ensure that the military industrial complex has continued access to our tax dollars. May the black karma accrued by the capitalists behind these meaningless wars ripen swiftly.
21
Your family’s story is an amazing testament to the sacrifice of so many military families. When I am thanked for my own service I often comment that my wife and family deserve the thanks. Sadly your story is very common but there are programs designed specifically to help your family. Our program at Shepherd Center in Atlanta, the SHARE Military Initiative, is transforming families in your situation every day. Please consider contacting us.
https://www.shepherd.org/patient-programs/care-for-us-service-members
1
I would like to say just one thing in praise of this heartwarming essay:
What makes this so good is the fact that there is no promo for an "upcoming memoir" at the end.
I hope NYT readers can discern the difference between essays which have been sold and those that have been donated.
4
Dear Mrs. Rottenberry,
You will find that while there is no silver bullet therapy or magic man Doctor, there are pieces that you can put together. Some are helped by VA group counseling. I left it in 1975 because my group seemed more involved in the problem than in the solution.
I assume you have gone to DAV. With 100% service connected disability comp, 5 dependents, aid and assistance allowance, commissary, va loans with no fees, medical and dental, etc. it is possible to live above the poverty line and move ahead.
Let him take one class in basic health care, either for people or animals, just to see how his brain injury reacts to new info. Ask him to volunteer at the local animal shelter, if he likes dogs. Under VA reqs he can earn a small amount while receiving benefits. If he can handle school, VA voc rehab will pay for school, plus an allowance for you, plus the disability comp package. You won't be millionaires, but you will eat and be able to walk with pride.
Recovery is thousands of individual choices, and agonies, and joys spread out over decades. At the end he may not be the same man, but he can be a good man.
9
she should have her husband try EMDR.
1
Our hopes and prayers are that you can find peace.
3
All these people who in guaranteed retrospect will be seen to have had their lives trashed for nothing.
3
I hope they will consider looking into hyperbaric oxygen chamber treatment for the results of this soldier’s brain trauma. It has made such a difference in the lives of so many who have tried it. I am just one example, Joe Namath, the football player, is another. A good source for information on this amazing therapy is the book, “The Oxygen Revolution,” by Dr Paul Harshfield. Please don’t give up. Help is out there!
1
My condolences. I work in education with damaged veterans from time to time.
However, throwing away its young people on the trash heap of history for nothing is what makes America great.
In fact, we can't blame that one on Donald Trump.
2
She had me and my empathy until the the last sentence.Really?!!! One avoidable casualty of war in her family isn’t enough? This mother of 4 is not discouraging her oldest from voluntarily entering endless, senseless war?
21
@Genevieve La Riva Men and women serve so that you can enjoy the freedom to live your life as you wish.
Liz,
I understand some of what your family is going through as I worked in the field of TBI rehabilitation and research. A psychiatrist pal once taught me how to tap and i've since read quite a bit about it. It has been demonstrated to be effective for Vets dealing with PTSD. It's a re-set for the system. I use it daily, no harm can come from it! https://www.thetappingsolution.com/blog/tale-two-trials-tapping-ptsd/
I wish you the best,
Liz
1
Would it just make sense to end these ridiculous, losing wars?
7
Bring that up with Congress. The American military establishment is big business. And Congress just loves their big businesses. It's We the People they care nothing about.
8
Bless this family. Their story is a perfect argument for reinstating the draft or requiring some kind of mandatory military service for all American adults like in Israel.
"Ask what you can do for your country" is no longer a consideration for most Americans and our policies and the suffering of people like the Rotenberrys reflect that. Watching a complete NFL halftime show or muttering "Thank you for your service" just doesn't cut it.
2
US soldiers are still dying and getting maimed in Afghanistan, a decade and a half after we invaded. And for what? What purpose? What achievable goal?
It sickens me to see Bush and Cheney feted by the media. They need to be held accountable for their crimes. Manipulating us into wars fought on lies for unachievable goals based on hubris and ignorance.
15
Why are "we" -- i.e. the US military -- still in Afghanistan? Stories like this should arouse a groundswell of support to bring the troops home before more good people and families are senselessly torn apart. Has anybody in the US government been able to supply an adequate answer about what "we" are doing there after 17 years? Why "we" must stay and sacrifice more lives to this ill-conceived occupation of one of the poorest nations on the planet?
7
Because our politicians need a boogeyman with which to scare us. Radical Islam is their new Communist Red Scare.
And we all had to be protected from that, didn't we? It's Congress that keeps us at war, not some "foreign threat".
8
This article chronicles one of thousands, maybe millions, of tragedies caused by war, truly a theater of endless horrific violence, of torn bodies and minds that spend a lifetime coping with the aftermath. Young men and women are sent to their terrible fate with fanfare and only the most cavalier considerations for the reality of what we put them through. We send them to gather our undefined vengeance, our selfish wrath.
My father was a 30+ year Naval Aviator and Marine. He said that the most shameful thing a leader could do was to send soldiers into harms way without a clear military purpose and benefit to national security.
8
saddens me that her son and she, after all their family has lived through and the fact that Dad was not given thorough and proper treatment for an obvious brain injury but was put back in harms way causing a worsening of it, end this story of suffering and near-suicide of her son by announcing that he wants to sacrifice his life and good health to the same military- and she is not only comfortable with that pursuit but believes it will be good for him- do not understand this, as a mother, one iota. Obviously, I wish them all the best-
7
The heart of this issue, which is brain injury, is that there are so many cures for TBI and PTSD that Americans are unaware of such as: craniosacral therapy , chiropractic adjustment of the tongue, acupuncture (author, Dr. Norman Doidge), hyperbolic oxygen, transcranial electric stimulation (VA Hospitals), but traditional doctors are not trained in brain injury, so they do not recommend these treatments.
My brother was a US veteran with a TBI for 27 years. When he recently acquired a second TBI , San Diego's leading hospital did not know what to do. His condition progressively worsened to a vegetative state. So I secretly hired a craniosacral therapist. My brother's condition improved from craniosacral therapy but the doctors and Public Conservator whom by CA law became decision makers after declared mentally incompetent, did not acknowledge it and voted not to prolong his life.
I never worked so hard in my life, nursing him and giving him the correct therapy in a broken hospital system. I got sick with pneumonia 3 weeks, and then almost had a heart attack.
1
I recognized myself in Liz and my step-son in her son. My wife's violent mental illness left us both exhausted, paranoid, and constantly fearing the other shoe dropping . My step-son never attempted suicide, but contemplated it. Therapy for him, which has continued into his early 40's, had him back to a normal life with two happy children and a wonderful wife. It takes time and a dedication to do whatever it takes to heal and put the past in perspective. Hopefully Liz's son will not enter the military, though. In my uneducated opinion, I think that wouldn't be healthy.
10
Thank you Liz for sharing the reality of life -after-war- injury of your husband, your children and in the telling your life. The life of the woman-wife-mother. It is that life that keeps the others alive minute by minute, day after day, year after year ...constantly. It is you -the lone woman - who is The Atlas -the one who holds up the world of your family day after day after day. You are the embodiment of how all the tragedy and suffering of war ultimately comes to rest on the shoulders of women. It is not that others do not suffer, they do as you so poignantly describe. It is that for The Atlas woman, caring for her suffering is a luxury she can not afford. As a country we do not look beyond the soldier in uniform to see the legions of women who will unrelentingly soldier on at the front lines of battle for decades to save the lives of her comrades in her arms saving their life while sacrificing her own.
4
This is why we need a nationwide military draft with optional forms of other service for objectors (CCC, the Post Office, Border Patrol, ect.). A huge fraction of military service members come from families that keep providing new generations of service members. Just look at this family, I would bet money that his Dad was in the military and that his son will join the military.
When a huge fraction of service members come from the same groups of families the pain is not spread evenly through society, and the result is that huge portions of America have no skin in the game of our endless wars across the world. Liberals can say they want us out of Afghanistan, but I havent seen an actual liberal anti-war protest in years! It's all anti-Trump and anti-racism now.
We need a national draft to create a sense of unity that is sorely lacking in this nation. Plus if we had a draft we could even out the inequality in society by providing universal college education for all with all the money we would save by not getting involved in foreign wars unless they are actually necessary.
4
I am deeply moved by your story, thank you for sharing it.
2
My heart breaks for this family. This is the price we pay for being in a war that we have no business being in.
3
WOW, this stories touches on the many flaws, insensitives, selfishness, and hypocrisy of our nation. Our failure is shameful. One only needs to read the many spot on reader comments. Increasingly our soldiers are looking like expendable mercenaries for special interest corporations. Ummm, oil and the military industrial complex.
I wish that we could turn back the clock and have reduced our presence in the Mid East by having a foreign policy that reduced our dependence on oil. Bush senior had this choice but only solidified the likelihood of 911 and its aftermath of loss in blood and treasury. So many stellar qualities but I find his foreign policy unfortunate if not unforgivable.
Our soldiers are awesome warriors. We must stop using them as pawns and find ways to reduce wasteful expenditures in order to properly care for injured vets. Might help to put cannabis research on the fast track, too.
1
The American military culture.
Why is this man, with wife and family, deploying around the world? If these conflicts are/were so important to America, then a draft should have been instituted to fight, and the soldiers should have been young men without the baggage of family.
5
I'll bet a lot of readers don't know how aggressively military recruiters go after kids in high schools. They want young, risk-taking kids whose brains are not fully developed.
1
All bets are off when a member of your family has PTSD. You learn to navigate the world in a new way. There’s no script. Throw it out. The problem often is everyone else keeps insisting you follow a script.
The closest, most compassionate people I know don’t get it. They say they do, and then they get hurt when you and your PTSD spouse don’t follow the script. It puts you and your spouse into a hundred impossible situations that you have no idea how to handle.
My advice: find a friend who will listen to you uncritically and compassionately as you stumble through this. And find quality professional help ASAP. Don’t stop until you’ve found it. You’ll know when you have.
Thank you for sharing part of your story with us. My heart goes out to you and your family, and the difficulties that you are facing.
Unfortunately, there are too many families with stories similar to yours. These families are in our communities all over the nation. Though it is unfortunately not in our power to undo the trauma they have experienced, we can do what is decent and right, which is to re-integrate these survivors and their families more fully into our communities and thus better support them.
Readers, please reach out to some of these families in your communities. Take them prepared meals. Drop off a bag of groceries on their doorstep. Mow their lawn. Walk their dog. Help with their yard work. Shovel the ice/snow off their driveway. Put their trash/recycling cans out for pick-up. Call them regularly to check in. If these families have kids, tell your kids to make friends with their kids (they probably need it). Offer to pick their kids up for play dates/outings with your own kids.
For women (and it's usually women) who are in Ms. Rotenberry's position, don't just tell them to take care of themselves. They can't. They have no relief. So, maybe pay for a sitter for an afternoon so that they can go to the beauty salon BY THEMSELVES. Give them a gift card to Starbucks. Take them out to lunch. Offer to stay in their house for a few hours so they can leave to take care of errands or have some alone time. Most importantly, offer them kindness, friendship and respite.
9
As a sufferer of PTSD, I have found significant relief using EMDR therapy. Best of luck to your family.
1
Sad to say but as a matter of karma, some deserve all the pain, loneliness, depression, terror, poverty and anguish life can inflict on their souls for the souls they for mere money denied life.
1
Many posters here give best wishes and tips for the family to help with the trials they are going thru.
This is all well and good.
However, the best way to dramatically reduce this type of horror is to listen to the teachings of Lincoln. Only go to war if your country is attacked or about to be attacked.
If we had listened to him, besides our war for independence the only true wars we should have been in were the Civil War, WW2 and briefly in Afghanistan like this marine was.
By entering wars like the Mexican War, Spanish American War, WW1, Vietnam, Iraq 2 etc. we only made things worse.
We should only intervene and on a multi lateral basis to protect civilians from things like war crimes including genocide, torture etc.
Any leader who is associated with it, including somebody like the de facto admitted American war criminal Bush 2, re torture, should be hauled in front of the International War Crimes tribunal in The Hague to face justice.
1
I can't seem to figure out what draws individuals into military service....Idealistic glorification, promise of financial security, lack of other options
Do any of these outweighs the potential devastation so clearly and heartbreakingly told in this piece?
5
Sad to read this comment. I only wish we could set up a few States and move to these States those who would ask a question like this. Then tell the Russians, the Chinese, and the millions of Jihadists and Jihadist- supporters that we will not defend these States. They're yours for the taking
1
Maybe, just the possibility of a structured lifestyle & job, A chance for worldwide travel and the opportunity to change someone else’s life with a hair trigger decision (friend or foe)
Nothing has changed since Vietnam when , as a child, i saw thousands of vets outside the Bronx VA. I thought they were bums by their appearance but my mother knelt down to face me and explained that they are not bums. They are soldiers. Our government can order them to fight but they cant be bothered to to fix them when they come home.
Nothing has changed. We can go in debt to fight but never find money to heal.
7
Some wars must be fought.
Sometimes our parents, children, spouses, and siblings must be injured and die to defend their country.
This is not that war. This is not that time.
The honor, courage, and sacrifice of Chuck Rotenberry and thousands of other soldiers is being squandered.
Why?
5
Great article--until the end. The son in the military? Doesn't sound like a great idea at all. Please explain!
8
The trauma of America's popular wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, and Syria is much worse for the civilians of those countries than on the families of the American soldiers who volunteered and obediently served in them. The civilians targeted by American war policies deserve sympathy and support in their defense from American violence by soldiers like Chuck, who anti-war advocates tried to stop from deploying.
4
So, when the author walked into her son's room, described at the beginning, he was not actually dead, as she says he was. He was alive. We get the details at the end. Sorry, you don't get to make a dramatic claim to hold interest, then disavow it at the end. That betrays the readers' trust.
1
@Gary Davis
That's not what she said. That's what you incorrectly inferred. But yeah she bigly implied it.
1
Thank you for sharing your story. The strength and courage of your family is inspiring. Thanks to your husband and your whole family for their service to your country and the world (including my country Canada). I just hate that the cost to so many military families is so great. I have also suffered debilitating anxiety and depression and I know the indescribable pain. Its too high a price to pay for our service members and their families.
2
My heart goes out to you and your family.
No one who has not been a caregiver for someone who is disabled, whether you can see the injury or not, cannot even come close to imagining the stress and heartbreak that comes with this unwanted, unchosen but necessary caregiving.
My husband was disabled in a car accident and even though I had help in getting him up and bathed and dressed, when his aide left for the day, the other 21 hours were mine to manage, 7 days a week. On call; not many breaks. It’s really tough. I cried a lot until I found a counselor to help not only him but me.
It is important to get the mental health services that you and your family need to survive and I’m so glad you are doing this.
Thank you for putting this all out there. We need to be kind to everyone because you never know what someone is dealing with and it only takes a second for it to happen to you or someone you love.
14
A heartbreaking story made all the more devastating by the fact it represents many thousands of other similar ones that go untold. The Bush/Cheney gang should have been required to send their own children along with all these fine young people to wars that cannot be won and should not have been fought.
22
Where is the Government's help for the men and their families who have to go through this? Trump wants to spend $100 billion to subsidize uneconomic coal and nuclear plants. In 2005, a Republican congress passed a law to prohibit Medicare from bargaining with the drug companies for lower prices and a Republican president signed it. This costs the Government $16 billion annually. But I don't hear Trump or the Republican congress talking about helping this family and others like it. Seems like only ultra-rich campaign contributors get their attention.
15
Thank you so much for writing this. Service members hear thanks, but their families, who also deserve gratitude, frequently don't. Your courage in sharing your life is so appreciated. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family.
18
I went to Boot Camp in San Diego in 1981.
It was a machine for turning human boys into military machines.
I remember being impressed by the efficiency and thoroughness of it.
We have no system that is the reverse of that process whereby we would turn those returning military machines back into human beings so they can come back into our society.
We could call it Home Camp or something.
Seems like an obvious thing a country might do to protect itself from the predictable results off its war efforts.
40
I feel sympathetic with Ms Rotenberry's plight. The damage that was inflicted during her husband's service to our country has made life difficult for her whole family. Even so, I can't help but wonder how much easier things would be is she had fewer children.
She describes her son's resentment at being charged with the care of his younger siblings, I suspect that this made coping with the other problems much harder. I have no doubt that Ms Rotenberry needed her sons help, but this was an unfair burden.
7
I think it’s fairly obvious that life is easier the fewer children you have, with the exception of the assistance they (hopefully) provide their parents when they lose their own faculties. Would you point out how much easier it would be on them if her husband had ALS or some other life-changing and schedule-warping diagnosis?
5
@Sarah Parisi
"Even so, I can't help but wonder how much easier things would be is she had fewer children."
I found this part of your comment very odd and incongruous with the earlier expression of sympathy. How is she supposed to change the number of children she has? She deals the best she can with what she's got.
The burden placed on her son in the earlier part of the tragedy they're dealing with obviously turned out poorly, but she'd never dealt with something like this before and was no doubt scrambling for answers and she tried to keep it all together. We all easily make choices that have unexpected results in normal everyday life, cutting her some slack on leaning on her son for help, given the circumstances, is most definitely warranted.
2
@Sarah Parisi
She had the children before his last deployment. If you were aware of other families' difficulties that are missing a functioning parent, you would realize that it is usually the oldest child that takes on the responsibility automatically. This is nothing new, hard as it might be for these children. The wife states to her son he shouldn't take on the responsibility but he does because he sees his mother's burden and being alone and trying to take care of everything and his father's injuries. It is called empathy. She is doing the best she can and is probably overwhelmed. Hopefully they get help in the day to day tasks in running of the household. Not much help from our government it seems after his dedication to our country during a ridiculous war.
5
One of the most difficult things for a caregiver to do is to say "I need a break." We are almost always on autopilot, just getting things done because they need to be attended to. And we feel immense guilt for our fatigue, resentment, and yearnings to have just one day where we don't have to worry or walk on eggshells. Needing a break does not lessen our love or commitment, and that's hard for us to understand.
I applaud the author for the steps that she has taken and wish her and her family peace and health as they move forward.
10
Beautifully written, however the last paragraph makes me frustrated that we have glorified war and violence to such an extent that children who watch their parents suffer through the trauma of a war still want to enlist. While I understand the familial and honorary aspect that the author speaks of, it is clear that America needs to stop promoting the horrible disasters they get us in so our future generations can live lives untouched by battle trauma. And further, so that our future generations don't desire to engage in warfare.
49
So true. I could have written this myself.... collateral damage is what my kids and I were.
As matriarchs, we have to slap on our perma-smile, and bear it quietly so as not to upset things anymore than what they already are. It takes many years to bounce back into a new normal, but the memories will linger...
7
Liz,
Thank you for being so open in sharing your struggles. My heart goes out to you, your husband and the kids. Hopefully you can find a way to take advantage of some of the therapeutic approaches suggested below. As a Vietnam vet I saw the damage to fellow soldiers from combat and Agent Orange, but never the effects on wives and family of those who were injured.
My prayers are with all of you.
John
18
Thank you for sharing your story. It makes me angry to think there are thousands more like him who were sent into harm's way by our so called leaders in Washington for poorly defined objectives and then not even given adequate help when they return.
41
We were separated from the love and support of our fellow military families...The bond of military families is so strong whether active or enlisted, until we become injured. Why is that? Why aren't we creating support circles for one another even after we are not active duty. we still need that village and many times it is gone as soon as an injury occurs.
15
I hope the author has considered that joining the military himself is another expression of her son’s trauma, not a way of coping with it.
We are supposed to thank our soldiers for their service as an acknowledgement of their sacrifice. I cannot do it because I only want to tell them how sorry I am that we continue to waste our most precious resource on endless, ultimately meaningless, wars. This story is just one version of the tragedy and heartbreak experienced by thousands of military families that ruins lives in a ripple effect more powerful than an earthquake. My Christmas wish is for a national military service requirement for every person in our country. If politicians and one percenters had to suffer the aftermath of IED injuries to their spouses or children they would be less willing to risk the lives and health of our soldiers.
77
My hat is off and my heart goes out to each Rotenberry. This is a courageous, articulate piece of writing. Thank you, Liz.
14
For thirty years, this was my story. Though my husband's TBI did not result from the battlefield, but from a bicycle accident, all the symptoms you describe were familiar to me and my daughters. We devised many ways to anticipate and prevent the rage that he could not control. And we had a crew of unbelievable friends who continued to take him to football games, to dinners, to parties, to concerts, to weekend getaways - acts of courage and love. I hope you have similar support.
40
The next time some politician, pundit or op-ed writer suggests we start or join another war, they should be required to meet a roomful of the wounded and their families. We as a people and nation need to be sure that putting the lives of our Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines is absolutely necessary for the security of our nation. That has not always been the case as politicians who have never served but think themselves “experts” on national security are all too quick to want to put our troops in harm’ s way. They exist in both parties and more than a few think tanks.
Every American should ask every politician or candidate wearing a flag lapel what have they done for our wounded veterans and their families. If you support the troops, that means after the battle and that includes the families that have to live with the consequences of their service to our country.
I once served in the US Army and was fortunate to never face combat, but I understand the unspoken contract between our troops and our nation. Young men and women volunteer to put their very lives and well being on the line to protect and defend our nation against all enemies regardless of politics. In return we are to not waste their health or lives on wars of private agendas- only asking them to sacrifice in the security interest of our home- the USA. Further, we do not forget the wounded and the families that must live with the consequences.
62
@David Gregory
Amen to that, David.
Elect no more politicians who are inured to war as a primary tool of foreign policy, who see short term political gain counterbalancing the cost to American families and those we don't read about: the other side who suffer disproportionately in the various elective wars we've been sold over the past fifty years.
War is and always has been stupid, a pathetic waste of resources of every sort. Humanity, if it has a future, must shed this vestige of its primitive past. The sooner, the better.
4
Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for the service, not only that of your husband who has paid such an awful price, but for that which you and your family continue to suffer through. The hopeful note you end on speaks volumes about your courage. We as a nation must never forger the men, women and service families who must continue to suffer these invisible injuries of war.
18
Thank you for your thoughtful article. My heart goes out to you and your family. My father was a WWII veteran who had serious PTSD that was never treated. It impacted our home every day in countless ways. Walking on eggshells trying to avoid setting him off. And he wasn't injured to the extent your husband is.
As mentioned, I'd seriously look at a service dog. They can work wonders. And I'd make sure your husband is back around his fellow Marines. He lost that when the IED injured him. Lastly, if your son wants to follow in his father's footsteps, consider letting him. That may be his way of coping.
You're in my prayers.
18
I read the love in your story. I read the understanding and the willingness to compromise so this man can have a quality life, despite his confusion and brain chaos. Not many can see the value in this effort you are doing. Most would cut their losses and move on. It will improve and I wish you the strength you need to continue. Thank you for sharing.
8
The VA needs to provide greater family support for those with TBI. Respite care in the form of in house help that allows you to run errands, take the kids out for the day and manage your husband’s post-outing exhaustion is as necessary as a crutch is to walk for those with a broken leg. In our experience, the symptoms of TBI can be managed, but the chaos they introduce into our collective schedules (ie the need for kids to sometimes be unnaturally quiet) is where the trauma is amplified.
30
The other tragic thing about this story is a soldier who is sent back into action after suffering a TBI. The best treatment for a TBI is extended rest (months and years). He had a chance for his brain to heal much better, but that opportunity for recovery was destroyed when they sent him back into action. They caused more damage to his brain by sending him back to early. It's not unlike sending a football player right back on the field after they have sustained a severe concussion. The army should be liable for this significant mistake in his medical care.
65
This is the price some Americans pay for protecting women from Taliban and Pashtun monsters.
6
It’s the price paid for invading and occupying countries we don’t belong in and don’t threaten us militarily. It’s long past time we learned from history and started holding those who authorize such acts of aggression accountable, to deter future leaders who wish to engage in adventurism for domestic political gain.
The price paid by our troops is but a fraction of the price paid by those whose countries we reduce to rubble.
4
What in the world are you talking about?
My sympathies to the author and her family. This story is meaningful especially in holiday seasons that family should know about it.
It is really a sad story due to collateral damages of a wounded war veteran. This should be learned by families with sons and daughters who might have high inspiration to join the forces. Beneath the glorified surface, many hidden problems were seldom told. With today's economy, young people should have other options to contribute to the society rather than go to the battle ground.
15
The saddest thing is that the son wants to join the military too. What meaning does he hope to find? If what we did overseas was truly necessary then there would be nothing more heroic than serving in the military, but that hasn't been true since WWII. Until people in this country stop blindly glamorizing military service, we will continue to engage in brutal wars that do nothing to make our world a safer place. My heart goes out to the family and I hope their son makes it through this okay. I also hope he reconsiders his decision to join the military.
148
Only the dead have seen the end of war. There are bad wars and necessary wars. A strict pacifism is, perhaps, an individual choice, but cannot be a national choice.
6
@Robert Goodellz True, but Ben M isn't recommending strict pacifism, only that we stay out of needless wars.
3
@Ben M
.... we will continue to engage in brutal wars that do nothing to make our world a safer place....
While I agree our political leaders have made numerous blunders in deploying troops overseas since WWII. But saying that they do "nothing" to make our world a safer place is totally specious. No one knows what horrors of 'doing nothing' would have led to. If there's a power vacuum some evil force would surely be willing to fill it.
An interesting comment, but totally vacant in the 'what if we had done nothing' category.
1
You're a wonderful mom with wonderful kids and a heroic husband. I wish you all peace and warmth this holiday season - and echo the recommendation of a service dog or therapy dog.
66
Reading this heartbreaking story left me with a deep feeling of anger. Bad enough that less than 10 percent of our society bears the burden of supporting our wars, worse when this family's struggles are met with indifference and ignorance. Shame on us!
63
I know this is blasphemous >>>>> what does it say about a society which worships militaristic behavior and celebrates a warrior mentality.
Our military protected our freedom during World War II, but since then it has mostly wrecked havoc on foreign peoples based on a vision of exceptionalism that is a nationalistic delusion.
244
@Steven Beyer We now know that North Vietnamese gunboats did not attack the Turner Joy and Maddox, US Destroyers in 1964 which gave the U.S. justification to ramp up the war. Many parents closed the bedroom doors belonging to their son who was blown apart in a rice paddy 10,000 miles from home for what? The spread of communism, the domino theory. Well, at least McDonnell Douglass made money of the poor children who went against their will. They will never have a family or live life the way the war-mongers did. And I am a Republican.
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@Steven Beyer
Thank you, this can't be said often enough in a society that glorifies violence/military. There hasn't been a legitimate war in our lifetimes and the so-called Volunteer Military was a ploy to divide and conquer us.
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We've been in Afghanistan for going on 18 years and we're going to leave there just like we left Vietnam, hopping the last helicopter off the embassy roof. Multiple foreign powers have invaded there over the centuries and none have ever won.
Now this man and his family are in hell...and oh! let's not forget the millions we've killed and displaced there, in Iraq, and throughout the Middle East while trying to con them out of their oil. They've lost far more than we ever will.
My Congresswoman, Barbara Lee, was the sole Representative to oppose funding the Afghanistan war. All these years later, it's even more obvious how right she was. https://theintercept.com/2016/09/11/barbara-lees-lone-vote-on-sept-14-2001-was-as-prescient-as-it-was-brave-and-heroic/.
Let's stop worshipping the military and start worshipping the climate change warriors, the peacemakers, the Americans who haven't forgotten how democracy is a bulwark against tyranny.
Time is ticking and all this warring is the greatest cause of greenhouse gasses. "The military is not just a prolific user of oil, it is one of the central pillars of the global fossil-fuel economy." https://www.globalresearch.ca/guns-and-greenhouse-gases-impacts-of-the-war-economy-on-the-environment-and-climate-change/5489217
We're like lemmings following this idiot bad boy President, Richie Rich, over a cliff.
Let's take back the country and the world and reclaim our children's futures.
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Thank you for this. If you aren't in a situation like this it's not just that you don't know, you CAN'T know, and this really opened my eyes.
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My heart is bleeding. I wholeheartedly sympathise with you and your family. Your family has suffered for the fault of your government, which in any case doesn’t even regret.
You are the pillar for your family. You should be strong lest everything gets broken completely. Please don’t ignore your health. I think you need the support of close friends and relatives especially parents badly.
Please be positive so that other kids don’t get affected. May God provide you enough strength and courage to fight it out so that sooner or later these bad days will turn into good days.
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The War on Terror seems second only to The War on Drugs for the amount of devastation and misery that it has wrought. Reading about the ongoing suffering of our returning servicemembers and their loved ones, I can only imagine (though probably not very well) what it must be like for those who can't physically leave the violence behind because they live there.
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This story took my breath away. Your son's experience resonates with me deeply. How an illness affecting a loved one - especially if imperceptible, unpredictable, pervasive and with no clear endpoint- can cause deep psychic wounds to those who love them, especially children. It is natural to lean on others, even children, when circumstances are compelling. But as a child who was leaned on by a loving mother who took and continues to take Herculean measures to be a caregiver, I can understand what your son is going through. There is only so much shock a person can continue to absorb before they fray. I am 35 and my shock absorbing and crisis mitigating role began around age 12. As recently as yesterday, I have felt "irritable, sullen, and quick to anger" as a result of the role I have played and continue to play all these decades later.
I know the comments are rife with advice. I will pitch in something too because I feel that the younger a person is when they start the more fruitful it can be - I encourage your children to explore meditation as a means to cope with stress and unpredictability. I think it can help a great deal. Thank you for your story. It meant a great deal to see my own story reflected here.
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I've heard that Assistance dogs can often help, and I think there are organizations that often work with vets, although I'm not sure of that specific information. Your situation is akin to what we dealt with regarding my mom, with Alzheimer's: mood swings, aggravation, the fear of the unknown, the inconsistency with cognitive function, etc. It was stressful for me, as an adult: I imagine it's so much worse for kids. I think you all are doing a great job.
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Your experience sure rings true for our family, except that the injured soldier was a member of an ally's military and, so, gets no Veteran Administration health care or other benefits.
The effects of blast injuries are often significant and lifelong, with all the ripple effects you describe and more, yet as you point out, they are often overlooked, minimized or dismissed by others, including sometimes the survivors themselves. They are too often not adequately noticed or treated by healthcare and other professionals. The NYTimes and other journalistic organizations gave the concussions of NFL players tons of attention, while leaving blast injuries of so many non-million-dollar-contract regular people in the dust (pun intended). Glad to see the NYTimes publish this important, articulate, and both wrenching and hope-inspiring opinion piece.
To the author: Thank you so much for speaking our truths, for calling attention to our struggles, and for providing us with some hope. And thank you and your family, each of them, for your courage and sacrifice and perseverance. Stay strong and keep reaching out. And know you are loved and valued.
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Thank you very much for your husband's service and your family's sacrifice.
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Please try alternative forms of healthcare like acupuncture.
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@Jojo: Acupuncture is pseudoscientific nonsense.
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/27/technology/thought-control-virtual-reality.html
“...Mr. Boyden said there were some possibilities...
“...I do find it implausible that an implant would go directly into the brain of someone with zero health problems,” he said. “But if companies take the right approach in helping people with the greatest need, then there may be a way for this to spread into people with less severe conditions, and then eventually become a kind of brain augmentation...
.....
NYT, go talk with Ed Boyden – and Regina Dugan – on this one, more recently...
https://synbiobeta.com/ed-boyden-on-the-future-of-neuroscience/
“...Boyden hopes that new technologies for recording and controlling neural activity will someday lead to prosthetics that can restore lost senses, control pathological neural dynamics, and augment cognition and empathy...
.....
Chuck Rotenberry – and his loving family, and all these veterans and their families – need to know they are not alone in this...
Folks are working to re-unite them...
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The lesson to wives and families of the enlisted is, don't go around invading other countries for nothing to do the bidding of the 1% and expect to come out unscathed. The homeless, trash strewn encampments outside Veterans' Administration locations says all you need to know about how much they care.
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@Yasser Taima soldiers don’t decide foreign policy, they just sacrifice life and limb and emotional well being in service to their nation. Our country celebrates patriotism and service and sacrifice publicly but too often blame the victim when the heroism of military personnel yields veterans badly wounded in body and soul. Your criticism should be directed at our political class, not the military people who serve with honor and bravery the rest of can barely imagine.
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@Edward Priz While I think Yassar could have chosen other words to make his criticism, it remains that the author's husband volunteered to fight in a war of choice. I am a veteran of the war in Viet Nam, and it strikes me as perverse that the author would want her son to follow his father into the military. War kills and maims. If you encourage your son or daughter to go to the military, you may have them come home in a coffin, or end up as life time occupants of a VA hospital. And that is just Americans' families. Hundreds of thousands of Iraqi and Afghani children are growing up without fathers, or grievously injured, physically or mentally, themselves, like Ms. Rotenberry's son. From my humble experience, going to war is just as likely to make a person callous and bitter as to make him compassionate. Especially if it has nothing to do with protecting ones own family and nation. Many have problems adjusting to civilian life, and commit suicide. I hope her son continues his recovery and lives a long and happy life in peace.
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During the Vietnam Nam War it was cool to say "what if they gave a War and nobody came?
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This is a story one never reads but must be told. My deepest condolences to the family. I wish that we could do more for you.
~Semper Fi~
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May your poignantly written story of your entire family’s struggles, which I thank you for sharing, be a testament to the importance of political leaders and our society being less militaristic. The context of your family’s woes is a scared country that overreacts to real and perceived threats, and as a result puts the lives of some many people at risk of death, injury, and perpetual struggle and turmoil. Your family’s story is like that of an abandoned ship adrift at sea if the broader context of how you got there is not discussed, acknowledged, and learned from. What happened to you did not have to happen. It was a result of decisions by Americans. Let’s not ever forget that.
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Have therapy animals been used for the family? They can be a huge help in dealing with stress and illness.
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Thank you for sharing your story with all of us and particularly with those that are struggling with TBI and/or PTSD. Not all wounds can be seen. Your courage in speaking out helps lessen the stigma and propel others forward to seek the treatment they need and deserve.
I wish you and your family health, above all. You are a beacon of strength for all of us and a great Mom. Peace to you.
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This article really got to me. Your family is so tough and you are a great mom. I wish the best for all of you. Adding a new years resolution to be more understanding of my fellow people and reach out to those having a tough time. I feel so bad for your kids, but you are all doing the best you can. They are going to grow up and be the ones in charge and I hope they are able to improve things based on their experience. this article should be required reading by all in the federal government. Please you need to go on Fox News.
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My sincere sympathies to you and your family. I hope that our elected leaders will read your article and take to heart that when they initiate an armed conflict, so many beyond our brave servicemen and women are affected by the consequences.
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I am going to respectively disagree with the health care professional below. I recommend Dr. Carrie Elk with the Elk Institute. I am a nurse in NP school as well as a wife of a SF sniper that was injured as well and we deal with similar things as you. Between God, a service dog through Baden K-9 and Carrie Elk... this is what made a difference for us. Your story needs to be heard- woman and children need to know that they are not alone because this is a very lonely place that we are in. You are SO brave for so many reasons but mostly for being a voice for the unheard victims of war. Thank you!
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Thank you for sharing and educating the rest of us. I probably would have been one of those frustrated at the tardiness and acting out without understanding that more was going on below the surface.
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Thank you for sharing your experiences. War is never over for those who serve and their families. I admire your strength and that of your son. I hope that better treatments for PTSD will bring some relief.
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Does your husband have a service dog? It sounds like a simplistic suggestion, and it would by no means be a cure-all. Still, a sensitive, carefully trained animal that can perceive confusion or anger coming on, and help with managing the situation, could be a support not only to your husband but also to the whole family.
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@MC Yes, especially since he led a K9 unit. What a great suggestion!
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I can only stand in awe of the courage and love that keeps this family together. I wish all of you healing and better times soon.
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Kudos to you for all that you are doing! You are a brave, compassionate, and committed spouse and parent. I hope that you and your family are able to find the support you need and deserve. Please be sure to take care of yourself while taking care of your family.
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And I thought I was having a bad day. We all have so much to do to get on top and ahead of the challenges of war. The VA seems to be improving in some ways, but the truth of the matter is that we may need a more robust forward-thinking plan.
Am I the only one who feels we find ourselves in a "hurry fix the problem" (result) of non-forward thinking.
Our society, you and I, need to think, plan, support, before we jump in the emotional direction from those who don't wish to study and enlist real knowledgeable helpers. Our lack of compassion starts at the top. We could be a much more vibrant society if we stopped focusing on wealth.
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