I'd like the next article to cover how to start crying. (Asking for a friend. )
1
The question I have is why is crying a problem? Why is it perceived as a weakness? It isn't. The problem I see is that many in society view crying as bad or weak. That's what we need to overcome. Crying is like laughing, except we accept laughing as good.
4
When I must get control of tears or fear, I remember a time that strong emotions caused me to make a very bad mistake, one with bad consequences not just for myself, that I swore never to repeat. And a determined sort of strength comes into me then. It's not for every situation but helps when it's needed.
2
One of my elementary school students cries several times a day. During a discussions about it, he stated that he did not like crying so much and that he wished he knew how to stop himself from getting so teary-eyed. I will share these strategies with him and then watch what happens. Being able to have a bit more control over his emotions and body would be a boost for him!
2
@TexasReader
If your student is crying several times a day, he is very likely depressed. Please try to get a referral to a child psychologist or child psychiatrist for an evaluation. A pediatrician can also be a good resource. Just make sure this child gets help.
5
Crying helps me move forward from whatever it was that made me cry. It can be helpful.
9
“Strong men also cry, Mr. Lebowski.”
Suppressing natural emotional impulses is really not good for you. Why else would so much of the country be forever uptight?
7
Can’t help it when the water works kick in I just go with it. Who cares what others think that’s their problem,
12
I am 75 and find myself because of just about any thing that brings me joy. It's just me and my trusty dog and when I do cry he comes up close to me and licks my hand or face. Wait a minute, I'm about to cry just writing about crying.
9
Ask a man. We learn it from childhood.
2
It could hardly be more ridiculous than to advise people how to avoid crying. In fact, what we need is exactly the opposite: More people who are unable to cry need to learn how to achieve that release.
6
Actually, this was really helpful. My only technique before was pausing and breathing deeply. I will definitely try these others.
I'm a priest, and so I have to give sermons that move people to action and justice, Unfortunately, I get choked up at the drop of a hat... stories of kids... dogs... quotes by MLK, you name it. There's nothing wrong with showing a little emotion, but bursting into tears every few minutes of your sermon is definitely tiresome and distracting from your message.
At a funeral, especially, if I get too emotional, it focuses attention on me instead of where the focus should be: the family and friends. Sometimes I've even had to go into the empty church the day before a funeral and give my sermon over and over again until I could stop bursting into tears.
Tears can be appropriate and healing, but especially at a funeral, they don't need their priest to model grief — they know how to do that — they need me to model love and hope.
28
If I feel teary and realize I can't do this, I think of Tom Hanks yelling "Are you crying? There's no crying in baseball," and the feeling goes away. Of course this wouldn't work with grief or other situations where emotions are overwhelming and cannot be put aside.
2
Uncontrollable crying, whether it seems to come out of nowhere or if it is an unlikely or far in excess response to a stimulus, is called pseudobulbar affect. It is a neurological condition. There are effective neurological treatments for it and it can also be a sign of a more serious condition (MS, ALS). I think it's far more prevalent than people realize because too many articles like this send people to psychiatrists for treatment for depression or anxiety.
12
I have a recommendation for those who want to cry or need to have a good cry, but are unable to get there. Emotiins and body tension go hand in hand. Find a massage therapist that you can feel safe around and begin to develop a trusting relationship. Set the stage and have a box of tissues handy. Notice the tension you are holding in your body and make a mental note. While the therapist is working, try to focus on your exhale and give up your control of holding onto the tension in that part of your body that they are addressing. Miraculous things can happen in those moments of vounerability and when you feel yourself unwind in the safety of trusted hands, deep underlying memories and emotions can surface. This is especially true in moments of extreme exhaustion, plus it's simply nice to be in a safe warm place, guided by a caring healer.
4
I grew up in a time when males did not cry. If they were burying your mom, or other close family, well, okay. But otherwise, it was a signal to most men and most women, of your being a "softy". It gave them something to taunt you with; nearly always a disaster, in terms of social strategy.
Luckily, my parents never shamed me. If anything, they seemed to congratulate me. As I delivered the eulogy for the favorite uncle of my childhood, I thought I had "cried it out' beforehand. But one look at his widow, his adult daughters, all sobbing at the memories my words evoked (plus everything), and I lost it there in front of a church filled with extended family. Many of whom, were the very people who had reinforced the "boys don't" code in my youth.
I persisted, going off script. I gave them, in full (watery) voice, an account of this man as his child nephew had seen him, bigger than life. I likened him to the mountain that we all had climbed with him, long ago, visible now through the open windows.
Within minutes, everybody in the place was crying!
Afterwards, another uncle, a decorated WWll hero, gave me a tender hug. "What a man!", he told me. Then he asked me to give the eulogy when he passes.
19
When we were children, my sister and I were often humiliated at the meal table for one thing or another. Both of us, being very sensitive, would begin to cry. This would immediately cause us to be unable to talk as we attempted to stuff our feelings. We were then commanded to answer their questions. Being unable to respond, we were accused of being disrespectful. We were then warned to stop crying or they would give us “something to cry about.” As adults now in our 70’s, I wonder about the scars still.
27
I had to stop reading this article. I was hesitant to read it in the first place, because it casts crying as pathology rather than what it is - a beautiful release of human emotion. No one should be made to feel shame for expressing emotion, yet this is the world we live in. The article reinforces shame for our humanity. We must evolve from that.
19
Can we have an article about how to cry for those of us who have a hard time doing it - and really need to sometimes?
23
Tears release toxins. The concept that no one should see you cry is damaging and distorted.
For women, though, sometimes a good dose of anger is more appropriate than tears. Also, advocacy toward injustice.
Never tell a little boy not to cry. I have witnessed it countless times and can see the emotional restriction down the road toward being a full human being.
25
@glorybe
Tears do not release toxins. Their job is to protect the eye. They are made of water, some salt, minerals, small amount of a lubricating protein, and vitamins - all to protect the eye. Also a natural pain killer produced during emotional tears. No toxins. Why would we produce something containing harmful chemicals and bathe a sensitive, permeable organ like the eye in it? Answer - we don't.
3
Everything that is silly and feckless about self help advice, all in one article.
If your emotions are unstable enough to produce frequent crying at minor frustrations, "pinching the flesh" or "poking the tongue" is not a suitable remedy.
People with healthy emotions are perfectly comfortable crying whenever they feel like it.
And, in fact, crying has an intimidating effect in situations of unequal status or power. So long as you keep your head, speak your mind and stand your ground, you can cry all you want to, and should.
12
It’s ironic that you recommend medical help for crying too often. I suffer from chronic pain and degenerative disk disease. Nothing makes me cry more than dealing with medical bureaucracy and insurance issues except for waiting hours for the doctor to show up and give me bad news.
20
What about an article on HOW TO CRY your eyes out? It would be far more useful.
24
Somehow I don't cry as much as I sigh.
3
Interesting. I'm looking forward to a discussion-not being sarcastic-if the physiology and psychology beingg verklempt, welling up from strong unexpected bursts of emotion.
1
Some are asking why one would need to avoid crying. Workplace scenarios aside, my mother's dead ex-husband loved to verbally attack me at family meals until I cried, which would further enrage him. I became accustomed to causing myself pain while he raged - usually twisting, squeezing or cutting my skin with my fingernails out of sight under the kitchen table. It worked for the same reason rubbing an injury helps - I was adding a source of stimulus for my nervous system to focus on. If you need to do this, make sure to dig your nails into skin normally covered by clothing. Also, it's effectiveness wears off after awhile.
2
@kathy, there is a technique for letting that kind of abuse slide off of you. It’s called “grey rock.” You just tune the abuser out and don’t react. Put yourself somewhere else, mentally. Change the subject as if nothing was said. It can mess with your abuser enough the he stops tormenting you because he’s not getting the feedback he seeks. Not to be used with those who abuse physically, as it may heighten the situation. But for guys like your former step-father, or an abusive boss, or a twisted mother-in-law, or even an emotionally abusive and bullying partner or spouse, it works great. It has helped me through some things in my life.
21
I appreciate the tips and will use them. There are times when I don't want to cry--when they make a situation more difficult for others who are suffering, or because I'm among strangers, or in a work environment. But I am glad I can still cry--I am old and know that, for some, the tears dry up in middle age.
14
I cried a lot--almost every day--until I was 30 and lived with a man for 8 years who became angry when I cried. At 48 I went to work for an emotionally abusive boss who makes all her employees (except me) cry. After 5 years, I began wishing every day that either I or my boss would die. I still work for her. At 62 I was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer, even though I have no genetic markers for cancer; am not overweight; exercise regularly; have annual physicals, do not drink, smoke, eat processed foods, drink soda, or eat meat more than once a month. Maybe I should have cried more. At work.
15
When my husband passed away, the kindest thing anyone ever said to me was, "It's ok to cry."
15
Humans are kind of tacky in general (give me a cat any day, they at least have some dignity). Rage is embarrassing, too - all that male hysteria is even worse than crying. Then there are our bodies, which are always coughing, sneezing, hiccoughing, belching, and all that other stuff we can't discuss. Then people go to church and say holy, holy, God made all this! I'm with Monty Python : "All things foul and disgusting, the Lord God Made Them All."
6
@Stephanie Wood, what? Do you realize that crying is an expression of suffering? That is “tacky” to you? Where is your compassion?
7
@Stephanie Wood
Have you ever had a cat? Although people believe cats are aloof and have "dignity," they openly seek affection from humans, run to the door in greeting when humans come home, and cry when left alone. Maybe you find all of that tacky, I don't.
Another time-honored alternative is to wait, until one grows old and cynical. A pleasant cloud of denial often is achieved after a lifetime of discrimination, facilitated by purposeful distraction. This will make is very hard for even a tear to appear, although a vestige of the feeling will be present.
And then, the opposite problem presents itself. One feels a need to melt down from time to time, vaguely in the background, but the denial stands guard against the renewal of old patterns.
Eventually, if you are Howard Beale, you may appear at your TV studio in pajamas and snap into a monologue about wanting to keep quiet, in your living room with your toaster and your TV and your steel-belted radials but cannot, whereupon you'll discover that the audience is all wrong, going for ratings instead of empathy.
3
@Charles Coughlin, wow. The older I get the more things I find in the world that tear my heart in two. I cry frequently, for others as well as myself. If you stop crying, you stop feeling.
13
Amazing how these posters have let the unfortunate politics of the US disturb their lives.
You are only alive for a short time, and you allow yourself to get so unhappy about our politics?
2
It makes me sad that this is an article. The notion that crying is inappropriate in professional settings is a direct result of the restrictive binaries constructed during the Enlightenment: public/private. masculine/feminine, rational/emotional, etc. There should not be anything wrong with crying. It is part of the human experience. Rather than sharing tips for suppressing the expression of emotion in professional spaces, let's validate emotional expression in professional spaces and to see it as a way to enrich the professional experience. The whole human, emotions and all, is so much more powerful than the emotionless productivity-oriented professional. The more it happens, the more it becomes normalized.
12
@Antonella
I'm surprised I have to spell this out for you, but here it is. Imagine you're being fired by an obnoxious and sadistic boss who will revel in your misery. Why give him or her the satisfaction of knowing they've crushed your spirit? Save the tears for when you're alone or surrounded by people who have your best interests at heart.
24
Your argument is: “if you’re in the company of an obnoxious sadist, it’s important to live up to their standards, because their opinion matters more than how you feel.” Surely you can see that’s not a very healthy position.
5
Rage is even sillier than crying. I've learned to respond to some people's tantrums with complete calm, so that I wind up being the one in control of myself, and they wind up looking ridiculous. And I express my own rage in parody songs that ridicule yuppies, rich people, religious people, and sleazy politicians.
4
Those of us blessed with the Welsh Weeper gene need all the help we can get. Sure, crying is normal, blah blah. It’s just really inappropriate and embarrassing at work, or while casually talking to a total stranger, or while dealing with a problem.
The worst was at the funeral of a young girl who’d been murdered - her parents were comforting ME. Bring on the helpful techniques.
34
I'm going to put some faith in Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson's book, 'When Elephants Weep.' The famous renegade psychoanalyst and former Director of the Sigmund Freud Archives turned to animal studies when he grew disgusted with the psychoanalytical community. He may know the animals pretty well.
5
@Fred, it’s not crying, but fluid emitted from the temporal gland. The cause can be stress or hormones.
@Passion for Peaches: Which sounds just like crying to me! How does anyone know what an elephant is experiencing in its mind at that moment?
1
re "Why Only Humans Weep" This is incorrect. When Elephants Weep: The Emotional Lives of Animals Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson national bestseller exploring the complex emotional lives of animals
5
@rmm635, that is not crying as we know it, but seepage from a gland in response to stress.
I thought elephants cry, too.
3
I hate crying. I really do.
I hate making other people feel uncomfortable and I find it personally embarrassing. If I could, I would do anything to stop it when I do cry, especially in public.
Yet, it's a completely and natural visceral reaction to certain situations.
When I'm feeling particularly frustrated, unheard and beat down, I'm much more likely to turn towards sadness (internal, expressed through crying that I can't control much as I try to) than I am to quicken to anger (for me, an external expression that I rarely resort to, maybe once every five years).
When I cry, it's usually because I'm beating myself up mentally in some way and in need of comfort, empathy and mostly especially, *human connection*. When I don't get any of that, it makes things worse and my emotions even less controllable, including the crying.
It feels like I'm being pushed away when I most need the opposite reaction, which is usually just, again, simple human connection and the feeling of being heard without judgment (e.g., not lectured to).
16
@MB I hear ya...
4
Yup, me too.
4
@Past, Present, Future and @Candace
Thank ya both :D.
1
I found the article very interesting but the title is, I think, framing the article in a certain way that, well, might be bluring its useful message.
The "philosophical" implications of such a title, as many have already pointed out, could be debated for hours.
I only see one "node" here where two approaches are competing : on one hand the article informs you on how your body/mind are working, what are the pyschological and physiological reactions your are experiencing, and how to understand, accept and act on them. This is the path of mastering and freeing your body and your mind (yoga, martial art, etc...)
But on a higher level, it suggests you nonetheless (the title!) this : it is not wise to cry. You should not cry. That means : you should follow some rules, you deeply think you have to follow them, or else you will be judged in a negative way.
I.e. it's something that does not free you, but emprison you, and does not give you the means to set yourself free from it. (From your ego, the ego of others, etc...)
In short, the tools given here are good. One might just be careful to use them for their own good rather than ending up hurting themselves instead.
4
After getting a cancer recurrence diagnosis, I worked hard not to cry. But someone, maybe one of my daughters, said, "It's OK, just cry when you need to." I find giving in to it and allowing myself to cry naturally means the tears come but then go faster than I would have thought, we can all move on without making a big deal of it, and I feel cleansed. Yes, there are times when it's best to stave off the tears, but maybe those times are fewer than we allow for.
21
To the people protesting that crying is natural so let those tears flow -- many physical reactions are natural but we prefer to experience them in private, and definitely not at work.
I remember once interviewing for a job and the conversation led in a direction such that I felt tears coming on. I was mortified. I said, Please ignore the waterworks, they don't represent anything meaningful, but I'm sure the interviewer was unable to ignore something so unusual and unprofessional. I wish I'd seen these tips for suppressing that reaction.
17
@Millie I'm with you. I hated when I would tear up when people were saying NICE things about me! I have tried most of the techniques mentioned and only thing that has helped- a little- is rollling eyes up hard.
Even then, not reliable. So mo
rtifying.
6
The thing about crying for me is that it makes it impossible to speak. If I begin to cry while telling a story or having an argument/debate or explaining why I am crying to begin with, then game over for communicating further. I hate not being able to express myself beyond the fact that I am upset or moved. For this and for situations listed in another comment when it's not that crying is wrong per se, it's just that it's the wrong time, this is helpful advice.
22
The older I get, the more I find I am easily moved, whether it be by music, by someone's story, or by a direct loss. It doesn't have to be something directly affecting me, at all. I cry very often, and (too) easily, I believe. I feel generally happy, but many have told me they see in me a deep river of sadness (or potential to be profoundly moved) that is easily touched.
Does anyone have any ideas as to what is happening? Is there anything I can do to address this? I don't have anything against crying, but I don't always want to, and try as I might, I find myself unable to stop it.
14
@Nino Gretsky Maybe as we age we just lose some of the distance between ourselves and the world that we needed to get through things when we were younger. Why exactly do you feel like you cry too easily - maybe you were too unemotional before? Unless it's causing problems in your life or unless you feel worse after crying, I'd just accept it as one of the ways you've changed and go with it. I can think of many worse things to say about someone than that they are easily touched. Rather have that person for a friend than a stony, collected but unfeeling sort.
8
@Nino Gretsky
To cry is a human and humane response.
4
@Nino Gretsky I share your experience. As a young person, I rarely cried unless devastated. Now, I tear up at some commercials on TV. I cry when other people cry. I drip whenever I feel strong emotion - happy, sad, angry - it doesn't matter.
I think it is because I have lost some of my self-consciousness as I age. The inhibitions are a bit worn down.
8
This morning I listened to some music I had not heard in some time. The first piece brought the tears...was it gratitude for the moving artistry or was it a trigger? I felt joy. The second piece came swiftly and took me to a memory of profound loss. I was alone in my kitchen, and let the tears come.
Come on, people! Be human.
16
And then there are those of us who wish we could cry. I haven't cried since 2007. I get emotional and tears may come to my eyes, but I don't cry. Even my granddaughters hospitalization only brought a couple of tears to my eyes. I was taught not to cry in public, ever. Suck it up and don't show your emotion. I want to cry, I've tried to cry and even dream about crying. But I just can't seem to let go. I know there are reasons why one shouldn't cry in a given situation. But believe me, trust me, you wanna cry, let those tears flow.
10
There's nothing wrong with crying! I grew up with a mother who refused to speak to her children when they were crying (no matter what the reason) and it has taken me years to accept that sometimes I need to cry. Cry all you want, it's good for the soul!
19
Just what we need, and article that reinforces the natural act of crying and emotion. So what if one cries? So what if someone sees your vulnerability? I find the article sexist as well. We should all let our tears show more...Be real.
9
In my family, we tear up when we laugh. And a big guffaw will leave us really streaming. Crying while laughing is hard to explain to people who don't.
6
My dog cried. Real tears. We’re not the only ones with visible, powerful emotions.
6
Being overcome by emotions is the hallmark of spiritual ignorance, where you are a creature of your mind. You can learn to become enlightened through the classic teachings of Ishi Nobu, whose books are due out early next year.
Tell that to someone who's kid has been shot.
5
@All Around: If you wish to believe that "being overcome by emotions is the hallmark of spiritual ignorance," go right ahead, but the tone of your comment is very judgmental - which is the very opposite of being "enlightened." Perhaps you have more work to do.
And if you are somehow so "enlightened" that you're untouched by emotion, you have my sincere sympathy for all that you're missing in this world!
1
I've cried everyday since April of 2014 when my wife of 41 years was diagnosed with a terminal cancer. She passed away at home, in our bedroom, in my arms 15 months ago.
I'm crying now.
61
@SCW
I'm so very sorry, I understand your pain and loss having lost my husband to Lewy Body Disease 7 1/2 years ago. I'd like to say I no longer cry, but that's not true, sometimes the smallest thing will remind me of him and I'm on a crying jag. Just learn to accept it and remember all the good times you shared and how your life was better with her in it.
23
@SCW I have been weeping everyday for months as my wife of 51 years fights terminal cancer. I cry when I speak with family and medical practitioners. I hurt.
Controlling crying does not relief the underlying reason for the crying. I have learned to cherish every minute I share with her now and banish thoughts about tomorrow.
7
Stifling tears with a family member that cannot handle crying? The after effects are often worse than letting it out. Sobbing alone for not expressing pain is unbearably lonely.
11
How odd this article be.
Crying, as some have noted, is a normal reaction to certain circumstances. But at some other times, it is a reaction painfully and dysfunctionally exaggerated due to anxiety, depressive and other psychiatric syndromes.
So, how is it he the interviews for this article were psychologists and dermatologists?
Would a psychiatrist interview, now and then, be a bad idea?
1
I recall the derision and ridicule aimed at John Boehner for weeping. How sad, how cruel. This always makes my eyes leak: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQOQWAKnB1Q
5
To all who wonder what's the use of this article when crying should be normal and natural and everyone should cry: Here's several examples of when it's ethically imperative not to cry:
When you are seeing an old friend for the first time in years after they've been disfigured in an accident. They've lived with it a long time; this is the new normal for them. Adjust yourself to where they are fast.
When your mom has to tell you she is terminal. You can cry later. But don't make her comfort you, she's the one who is terminal.
When you need to help a friend who has to put down an animal that you love as well.
When your co-workers have stolen your tools and you're the only female on the job, and you know they did it to haze you. No, don't get a new job, in the middle of a job. Get new tools, complete job. (Crying is definitely the wrong answer here, at least until you get down the block for a coffee lol.)
Ah, life. Tongue to top of mouth. Good advice.
23
So sorry this posted twice, I wasn't trying to take up so much space. BUT I WOULD LIKE TO ADD ONE, I got to practice not crying this very evening:
When your neighbor's house burns down, and there's kids and families everywhere outside watching their family dog get CPR and die, and the kids go and cover the body with themselves, and you need to convince them, after several hours, to give you the dog until it can be buried in the morning. It wasn't my dog to cry over, I did my best. I really hope I don't get to practice anymore for a while.
12
I'm stupefied. An article on... how Not to cry...or at least, Not when it's inconvenient? What's next...an article on how to prevent having to 'relieve' oneself when it's not convenient?
If you feel the need to cry, cry. And when it happens, just go with it. It will eventually stop, and then you can go on with your life, just as it does after you've used the toilet.
Sheesh.
4
We should also have an article for bosses, how not to have a tantrum at work, and when to shut your door. Bosses can shut the door, and should.
2
To all who wonder what's the use of this article when crying is normal and natural and everyone should cry: Here's several examples of when it's ethically imperative not to cry:
When you are seeing an old friend for the first time in years after they've been disfigured in an accident. They've lived with it a long time; this is the new normal for them. Adjust yourself to where they are fast.
When your mom has to tell you she is terminal. You can cry later. But don't make her comfort you, she's the one who is terminal.
When you need to help a friend who has to put down an animal that you love as well.
When your co-workers have stolen your tools and you're the only female on the job, and you know they did it to haze you. No, don't get a new job, in the middle of a job. Get new tools, complete job. (Crying is definitely the wrong answer here, at least until you get down the block for a coffee lol.)
Ah, life. Tongue to top of mouth. Good advice.
8
I have the opposite problem--I hardly ever cry, even in the worst situations. It seems that it's all held in resulting in terrible anxiety. What to do about that?
2
Just pretend to cry. I did that at the opera, when I started laughing at the death scene. Cover your face and pretend. People have been pretending to cry so they can manipulate me, for a long time.
After years of trying to force myself to stop crying I was advised by a wonderful therapist to cry and feel my emotions all the way through. Stopping or stuffing emotion and feelings hurts us in the long term. Wear a hat or sunglasses or if I needed to step out to use the ladies room for privacy and what people thought about my red eyes was of no concern to me. I knew I needed to allow myself to feel as I no longer used substances to bury feelings. I think you need a different article about crying.
9
I appreciated this article. I don't think its discouraging people from crying; rather, it's providing tools for people to use if they feel tears coming and they don't want to cry at that moment.
Sometimes my emotions overcome me when I wish they wouldn't. Recently, I got into an argument with my doctor. There was information I wanted to convey to him, but he wouldn't listen. The third time he interrupted me, my tears started. And once they started, they didn't stop.
The article said adults cry when they feel powerless or helpless. Knowing that helped me understand why my doctor refusing to listen brought tears. It also helped me understand other times I've cried.
I wished I could have held my tears with the doctor. Not forever, just long enough to convey the needed information. When I'm emotionally distraught enough to cry, I feel overwhelmed. It's as if my brain turns off, and it becomes difficult for me to make logical arguments.
I'm not ashamed of crying. I cry, and when my kids tear up, I encourage them to cry for as long as they need.
But there are times when I want to hold back emotion and let my intellect drive. I'm grateful for the article, and I will try its suggestions the next time I feel tears coming when I would prefer to keep them--temporarily--in check.
31
@RM
I have learned how to keep talking, through the tears.
A few years ago, a female assistant came to my office to talk about a difficult situation she’d faced when she was the only woman in the room. The talk in the situation she described had become both sexual and derisive from men she had, until that time, liked and respected. She described the shock and paralysis she’d felt in the moment and I recognized it, having experienced it myself. As she talked, she started to cry and castigated herself for it. She said she’d told herself not to cry, never to cry, especially at work. I told her to never feel ashamed of her crying and emotions because it’s what makes us who we are. At the time by “we” I meant women, but now I think it applies to all of us. Crying openly makes us all, men and women, human. Please NYT. I love you, but fewer articles about how to suppress the sides of all of us most often associated with the female gender and by extension implied weakness.
40
Interesting. However, the last paragraph- when to seek help. I’m not intending to say depression and anxiety are not sometimes serious medical issues, requiring treatment with pharmaceuticals. But if you’re not prone to tears these days, you aren’t paying attention. Satisfaction is seratonin’s specialty. Perhaps if we are all drugged into complacency, we won’t mind that millions of beings (many that directly support us, trees for instance) are rapidly dying.
14
This title and story only clarifies why we are emotionally broken as a society. I dislike crying, I used to hate it, I grew up being taught to not be vulnerable. Mainly because it made my father so uncomfortable because HE was taught to not be in touch with his feelings.
NOT crying is stifling emotions, not being present in the moment and creates illness. Feel your feelings people and if you're in a situation where it's not "appropriate" then either make it appropriate and be with what's coming up or step out and continue to be with what's coming up.
You can do better NYT...
16
My mother was a person who was always losing control, so I learned to dislike crying and tantrums and any public expression of emotion. A lot of emotional display is just used as a legal weapon against other people.
2
I don't understand the purpose of this article. Crying is a natural, psychologically cathartic response to a lot of things: a tragic personal loss, stress, anger, being bullied, having had an upsetting conversation with a friend or parent, etc. Why should we "stop" ourselves from crying?
If you cry in the workplace (like I do, because I suffered a tragic personal loss right before Hurricane Maria), I usually excuse myself, go to the bathroom, and let it out. I then wash my face, and put some eyedrops in to clear the redness. (I'm also seeing a therapist and a heart doctor, because the loss has been so awful, I have developed Takotsubo cardiomyopathy, aka heartbreak syndrome).
If you stop yourself from crying, you then develop actualy physical problems like high blood pressure, anxiety, etc. I'm not sure why this article was published. It's just bad advice.
19
I think they mean losing it in public. You cried in private.
3
I’m reminded of the Holly Hunter’s character in Network News — a tightly wrapped and overworked producer in love with her news anchor, the distant and unflappable William Hurt. She would regularly close her office door and burst into savage bawling episodes only to emerge a few moments later, seemingly as composed as when she went in. Having an office door may not be the best solution to workplace stress, but as a band-aid, it’s a nice option to have
4
@M Sande The bathroom stall works, too. Been there.
Bellowing "toughen up, Nancy!" seems to work for the football coaches. And I assume it also works for relatives of Nancy.
1
Is it now shameful to be human?
21
As my tough as nails father always says, "Tears cleanse your soul". Get the bad stuff out of your system and move on. You'll feel better.
9
What a.bunch of nonsense. I'm a board certified clinical psychologist for many years. Crying is a natural, normal, and healthy human emotional response. It's a sad commentary on American culture that we still feel ashamed of feelings and are compelled to hide and control this important aspect of our human nature. Very unhealthy.
19
I cried when the emergency plumbers said they would not come out at 4:45 on a Friday and my laundry room was underwater. My waterworks ended the flooding because the plumbers felt so bad they came out within 10 minutes.
21
While I understand that crying at work can be problematic, the real message we should be sending out to humanity is one that says it's OK to cry. We don't do it enough.
5
Years ago I read an article somewhere on how actors can cry "on demand." It may have been in the Times -- ring a bell, anyone? There were various techniques, but one thing they had in common was to drink a couple of quarts of water an hour or so before the appointed moment. So I would suppose that being dehydrated would be a good step to avoid tears.
1
Glad to see so many comments from readers wondering why crying, a natural response to many situations, should need to be suppressed. Traditionally crying has been associated with weakness, particularly of women, but that may change as we slowly move toward a more inclusive society and move away from the stoic male ideal. Perhaps people should be encouraged to show their humanity more, including crying, not less. And nothing feels better than a good, needed cry. I tear up easily and I'm never ashamed of it, even in public. If it makes others uncomfortable I figure that's their problem.
24
John Barrymore was known to ask, “Would you like one tear, or two little tears?” The ability to cry on cue is overrated, but it’s a useful addition to an actor’s toolbox. For some it’s very easy; for others, it can take years to master. (A long life is a wonderful expedient for producing tears.) The ability to push your own buttons inevitably creates a kind of watchful wariness off stage, a disassociation between what you are feeling and objectively observing yourself at the same time, which can make what you are feeling feel cheap. For an actor, losing control in public would be a validation that one’s humanity hasn’t been compromised by craft.
1
when I saw my sister crying I saw what it took to calm her down. My mother being gentle and loving but it seems that it happen so often I could see how it would exhaust my mother. Not wanting to do that I'd always go somewhere to cry alone, crying into running water helped. Decades go by as an adult I was often called cold hearted for not becoming emotional and crying.
Then my mother died and I couldn't stop. My family and friends seemed a bit shocked at how often and how deeply I was crying. It's been 14 years and I cry weekly for something or another. It really angers me because I can't stop it. I get migraines and crying is a trigger. This article was a reminder I'm not alone in this natural emotion that can really phyically hurt.
12
Several years ago, after a terrible personal loss, I found myself -- a male -- crying often and forcefully, for perhaps the first time in my life.
At that same exact time, I also went partially deaf in one ear. A psychoanalyst I went to go see after a few months, told me of course I experienced being half deaf: I had just lost part of myself.
But I puzzled over it, and now think, intense crying is not just about the eyes, but the entire head becomes inundated. Many systems are overwhelmed and it is almost a kind of purging or vomiting. The waters of sorrow were bursting from me; it is no surprise one of my inner ears got flooded out to the point of almost not being able to hear on that side.
Tears and crying are terra incognito to many (US) males. But I think extreme tears, extreme sorrow, is an unknown country to many, not just men. I do not wish it on anyone; the weird hearing loss alone is just flat out unnerving.
12
If I am engaged in a poem or a story or a movie, sometimes suddenly the universe opens to me and all its sorrow or all its beauty pours in and fills me and I cannot help but cry. At that moment I'm not there, just the universe. That's the best I can explain the phenomenon.
20
There are certain children’s books that I can’t read to my kids without bawling. Like The Giving Tree. I’m not sure if the tricks listed here will stop the tears. It’s fine to cry from beautiful words, though. I’m glad that happens. It means we have been deeply moved.
21
I can’t even read that book I dislike it so much!
4
What a ridiculous premise. Don't stuff your feelings . Emotion is a natural process.
34
Of course the illustration about crying shows a woman. When will this stop?
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@E.A. Thank you!
2
Keeping your eyes open wide with raised eyebrows has always worked for me. The tears can't seem to get out that way.
Then, if you need to, go to a bathroom or some other private area and let it out. Feels so good! You'll be less stressed afterwards.
7
I was amused that the authors last name is Bahadur which means courage
9
I would prefer to live in a world where my emotions were acceptable. Where expressing them didn't equate to a downgrade in my reputation, status or other perceptions of me in my extended family or professional relationships. And. The ability to choose how you are perceived by others- while definitely running the risk of being too controlled- is an advantage when you are with persons of low trustworthiness. I include in "low trustworthiness" those people who believe that crying is weak, anger may only be expressed by very powerful men, and my favorite corporate conundrum, those who believe that you're supposed to be super passionate about the work but never get fussed about it. When these people have input in your livelihood- it's best to be able to choose when to cry.
47
Anger is more ridiculous than crying, Trump's public tirades are so embarrassing.
1
At the end of the article, there was no river, as I did not cry me one. But I was so lonesome that I could, yes....cry.
However, I didn't, because the piece discouraged me from expressing myself naturally, with enough techniques in my tear toolbox to dry up all the duct-work in my house. Enough with the advice already, let me sob like the old man I am!
18
Why ????? Crying is a very natural human response. This seems very close to instructing Women to “ man up “.
No thanks.
25
@Phyliss Dalmatian
Have you ever cried at the office? If you had had experience with this career disaster, you would know why these simple techniques have value.
81
@Rita Rousseau Work for more human and humane workplaces. We are turning ourselves in to robots.
4
Change jobs. Your life depends on it. Stuffing down emotions kills.
5
I almost never cry at all. My experience is that women in our society often cry when they are angry. I don't often have that reaction but I do sometimes. In my own case, that comes from not being allowed to be angry at all when I was learning how to publicly process emotion in my family as a child. I get annoyed at myself for having the reaction, but it's an honest one, anyway. I think the reference to "worst-case scenario" in this article is not helpful. It's going to happen sometimes. It shouldn't happen often or you are probably working in the wrong place!
8
I tend to choke up and when I cry it’s not pretty. I can feel it coming like a freight train and there’s no way of stopping it. I get aww’s and snickers because I get tears for the dumbest things a surprise Bday or a sad movie or someone else crying one time I even lost it while being picked for jury duty (they dismissed me). I give up and hey if I ball I ball. And you’ll react the way you do. It’s all good.
6
@J Clark *bawl.
7
I often cry from empathy. if someone is upset or sad, it makes me cry. I always cry at sad movies. I sometimes wish I didn't but thete are bigger problems in life.
17
I cry at too many inopportune times. At sporting events when they introduce the team or if the crowd is going nuts. At movies-even the Karate Kid! (the kid was fighting with his mom and it got to me)Trick or treaters bring on the tears- so poignant those dressed up innocent people. It's embarrassing. Thank you for some new techniques to keep the tears away.
30
@Rachel I think you're my soul sister! I'm with you on the sporting events. The Olympics are basically a two-week weep-fest for me; even other countries' anthems make me cry, thinking about the athletes' accomplishments. My heretofore-unconfessed crying shame: parades. Why oh why do I cry at PARADES? I guess some of us are just pathologically sentimental and soft-hearted. It's a bit much sometimes but overall it's a gift to feel.
31
@Melanie, tears came when I read your comments. Those occasions get to me too :’
6
@Melanie I cry at parades too. Something about the innocence, as Rachel mentioned. The memories of high school, when I myself was innocent. Oh, the humanity!! lol.
Crying can be a strategy of manipulating others, and thus has to be avoided at all costs in a professional context. Once when I was teaching college, a student came to me to explain why she did not submit an assignment on time. She started crying. I immediately told her the discussion was over. She probably expected me, another woman, to be sympathetic to her tears but she miscalculated. I refused to have any interactions with her at all without another person present, and she eventualy failed the seminar. On the other hand, another student who calmly explained her difficult home situation, fared much better. I don’t trust people, women or men, who flaunt their emotions in public or think they are entitled to special treatment just because they can turn on waterworks when it suits them.
13
“Flaunt their emotions”? Sounds like you could use some self-reflection. Or a good therapist.
62
Seems harsh.
35
@Mor That's terrible. Most college students are still adolescents and many of them cannot help crying when they are upset. I don't know anyone who can "turn on" the waterworks on purpose. Yet you automatically assumed this student was trying to manipulate you.
When I was a college freshman an instructor warned us not to come crying to her if we got a bad grade. I had to meet with her at one point to discuss a paper, which she suspected I had plagiarized. I had not, but I was so worried I wouldn't be able to prove my innocence and that I would fail the course. I met with her and the tears came automatically. I was embarrassed and explained I couldn't help it, I wasn't appealing to her sympathy. Eventually I was able to calm down and we discussed my paper. Everything worked out fine.
I am a college instructor now myself and while many students are full of excuses, each student should be judged individually. Today's students are carrying more debts and bigger burdens. They are stressed and anxious. They are paying YOU for their education... the least you can do is listen to them.
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There is no mention of tears of gratitude and joy...the former is often with me ...why this negative opinion and reaction on expressing our most vulnerable self....we are sometimes sad powerless angry grateful and have fleeting moments of joy ...tears are appropriate in all these situations ...it just depends when where and how much...
18
There may not be a specific amount of crying that is a problem, but there a virtual inability to cry can be a sign of a serious problem. Sociopaths don't cry, no matter what they've done to others. Though they will sometimes shed a tear for themselves.
15
I had a good cry today for good reason. I saw no point in trying to stop.
14
I’ve been crying nonstop since November, 2016 & all the pressing of my tongue to my mouth’s roof won’t help.
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Amen.
@Female
Amazing how these posters have let the unfortunate politics of the US disturb their lives.
You are only alive for a short time, and you allow yourself to get so unhappy about our politics?
@R. R.
It isn't about allowing myself. The sickness that overcame me on the night before Trump's inauguration put me in the hospital for four days. I didn't allow it. I know I'm not the only American who got sick at the beginning of the end of our country.
4
The problem isn’t people who cry. The problem is too many of us are uncomfortable with other people’s emotions, and our own. This article only reinforces that problem.
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@Rdeannyc Apparently you do not work in an office environment nor are ever in a situation where someone may be ready to take advantage of you if you are in distress from feeling helpless or powerless. So while we try to deal with the 'real' problem, I, for one, am very grateful that this article offers some useful suggestions to help me never cry at work again. Regardless of any reinforcement of 'the real problem,' it offers a practical way to deal with the problem of being judged for crying in front of a superior or co-worker--right now in 2018. Hopefully we won't need such assistance in 2050 or whenever the 'real problem' is solved.
7
Melissa, I respectfully disagree with your premise that working in an office or professional environment dictates stoicism and lack of emotion in circumstances that bring about crying on the job. If you’re generally a good and well-liked employee, it’s perfectly natural and acceptable in many places these days to be human in front of co-workers and bosses. I myself lost it at work and cried when something I was photographing at work fell on the floor and it broke; it was valued between $4000-6000. I was upset due to some financial stresses and hardships I’d been under due to a divorce, and was worried I would have to pay for the loss. Both of my bosses were sympathetic and supportive, gave me a hug, and assured me the company’s insurance would cover the damage.
If we all spend hours in the company of people every day, we should be able to determine when someone who’s crying at work is under extreme stress and is reacting to that stress, and the mature, professional and kind thing to do is be accepting of, and comforting about, that person’s emotions.
8
@Rdeannyc
This is a silly response. The writer isn't saying people who cry are categorically problematic. She is saying there are some situations in life where you may want to put tears on hold, and there are strategies that can help you. Her piece is sensible and wise.
6
Years ago I read a number of WWII spy novels by Manning Coles. I don't remember any of the plots, but I do remember one bit of advice that the hero, Tommy Hambledon, gave a fellow captive when the Germans were preparing to interrogate them: "Think of cold pickled pork. It takes the mind off." Sometime after that I spotted a jar of frosty pickled pigs' feet at some store I visited, a pretty gruesome sight, and remembered Hambledon's words. I've never been interrogated by Nazis (or anyone hostile, for that matter), but I've found that when I'm on the verge of tears, whether in public or private, picturing that jar of icy pigs' feet will always break the mood just enough to get control.
43
As someone known to cry, I’ve found that the best approach is to plead a bad back and stand up. The act of standing is powerful and calming, and overcomes the sense of powerlessness that engenders strong emotions. Ditto the act of standing to end a meeting or conversation and saying that we can return to a topic at another time.
72
I was quite interested in the authors’ position that there are only two components to crying: vocalization and tears. Crying can take on much more subtitle and even unnoticed manifestations, including nostrils flaring, lips twitching and other Herculean efforts to stile the vocalization and tears the authors insists are required for crying.
11
The author was quoting another author:
“Ad Vingerhoets, the author of “Why Only Humans Weep: Unravelling the Mysteries of Tears,” said that there are two distinct components to crying: sounds of vocal distress and the production of tears.”
They just highlighted two “distinct“ components, and you kindly mentioned other subtle aspects.
Thanks.
1
Why the need to stop yourself from crying? Why should crying (a completely natural human response) in front of other people make you or anyone else uncomfortable? People are human and emotions exist.
69
I’ve found that after several deep and life-altering traumas you stop crying like you used to.
102
Little makes me cry anymore. Or feel deeply at all. Sadly.
11
Presently, in America, the strategies to stop yourself from crying are being put to the most strenuous tests imaginable.
264
If you forward this article to a significant other then you are doing it wrong.
13
Is this the cat-video equivalent of no-news news?
Simple rules. Men are not allowed to cry publicly except in cases involving death (beloved pets are OK). But even then, other men tend to doubt the veracity of another man’s tears unless the crying man really breaks down—versus just dabbing the eyes.
Women can cry if they are having a bad day, get into a fender bender, and it goes up from there. Of course, the higher the woman is positioned (e.g., hard-nosed litigator, Judge, surgeon, cop) the more she is expected to adopt the rules which govern men in terms of refraining from crying at work. As Tom Hank’s character said in “A League of Their Own”: “There’s no crying in baseball’”
I know we are supposed to be living in different times, but people remember and judge. Showing weakness in public can damage your career. The problem for men with women crying in front of men at work
is that it makes men extremely uncomfortable (again, occasions such as funerals or weddings or births or getting a new puppy are OK). Now, take that to the tenth power for a man publicly crying in front of other men.
17
@Duane Coyle Except for Judge Kavanaugh...Crying in front of the world sure worked for him...
85
@Marie Baxter
Actually, I suspect it was his anger that won him reapect. Sadly.
9
@Duane Coyle
Anybody remember as far back as what a few tears did to Muskie’s presidential campaign??.
Up until I was about 45 (22 years ago} I tended to cry when I was angry... That helpless kind of anger. I finally learned to deal with those situations assertively when possibLe and to let go of that which I had no power.... . Feelings of helpless rage is feeling accountable with no power. I found my power and quit that job. I can only be held accountable for what I have some authority for... The job I went to next i was not helpless and had responsibility. Never had that problem again.
44
I seldom cry any more because I have Sjogren's Syndrome which has caused my eyes to become so dry that they produce no tears even when I cry. Somehow the emotional release of crying doesn't work without tears. The funny thing about it is that having Sjogren's makes me very sad.
39
@Heather I get it. The funny thing about going deaf is that my ears ring incessantly, so I never hear the sound of silence.
3
I have mastered the art of not crying to a point that I have experienced/endured being cutoff from two daughters pretty much without tears. It’s a true fact that I don’t take any joy from. It hurts me tremendously, but the tears don’t come. Call it PTSD from getting out of an abusive relationship. Still learning to navigate through life. It’s a process.
25
I totally understand I have to do the same with the knowledge that I will most likely never see my daughter or baby grand daughter ever. Have to shut down the pain.
9
@Linda
You are not alone.
9
I bite my lip or knuckle, cover my eyes and turn away from whoever it is I’m talking to. Doesn’t stop it though, it kind of causes convulsions or muscle spasms. It’s hard to stop sometimes, a real visceral thing.
I would have rather died than cry at work though or in front of someone other than my Mum, health worker or hospice psychoanalyst. Press on regardless and occasionally when no-one’s looking break down.
11
Just ask yourself: Is it my party?
If it is, you can cry if you want to.
232
This made me laugh so hard that I cried! (Couldn’t resist—thanks for the guffaws!)
13
@Modaca
Love it, love it! I'm sure Leslie Gore would appreciate this as well!
5
LOL!
1
Chat with your doctor if you feel like your emotions are getting the better of you? In the seven minutes you have allotted for the entire visit? In the 10 seconds before most doctors interrupt you? Even a doctor who will take the time to listen is probably not trained in anything to do with your emotional life. That suggestion is not very helpful in the real world.
61
@Kat, right on? Your DOCTOR?! How about looking for a therapist that will spend time with you, learning together about the emotional and historical landscape of your life? Does the author have any idea about how completely ignorant doctors are of human psychology? They will either prescribe something based on little information except that which is supplied at free lunches from pharmaceutical reps, or (drum roll)refer you to a therapist!
4
@Kat
I cried a lot when my mother died of natural causes. My loss was huge. My doctor prescribed antidepressants. I didn't take them, didn' need them, life was happening to me.
19
Tears aren't my problem; it's my voice. I get moved very easily which causes my throat to constrict, then my words come out in a very unprofessional squeak. Especially challenging when I'm speaking to an audience. Any suggestions for that?
30
@joiede Take a drink of water when you feel emotions getting the better of you. It works for me.
12
Can you yawn to relax the throat?
@joiede Hi Joiede, this happens to me, too. I've found deep breathing and vocal exercises done before a meeting or presentation help a lot. I learned the vocal exercises from a TED talk.
2
Crying is a natural physiological response that humans developed to recover from the distress experiences (physical discomfort, lack of human contact, neglect, rejection, oppression). Crying about a distress experience helps us think more clearly. If we don’t cry then feelings of early distresses are likely to be triggered by events that remind us (sometimes subconsciously), of them. If we are not allowed to cry when we are young than those distressed experiences can be easily triggered as an adult. This explains why we sometimes start crying or being very angry without any rational cause. Sometimes it is wise to not show your grief in public, but every young person should be allowed to cry as much as they need to.
22
any thoughts on why sitting in a darkened movie theater evokes my tears? It doesn't really make any difference what the movie is or the particular scene being shown. On the one hand it is quite unpredictable as to what triggers the response ; on the other it is entirely predictable that sitting by myself in a darkened theater watching a movie, the odds are something will bring me to tears for a few moments. Not hard or prolonged crying but tears none the less
2
@jbc You might take a look back in time to the first time you remember this happening. Could provide some important clues.
1
Crying and getting angry are just the opposing emotions of flight and fight responses. I’ve never understood why getting angry is acceptable and crying is much less accepted.
Anger harms far more people than tears.
138
That's an interesting point. Perhaps getting angry is more acceptable than crying because, in public and at work, men get angry but rarely cry. Women, however, cry more easily than men--which has earned them negative labels, such as emotional and hysterical.
Scientific research has repeatedly found that women cry more than men. One reason may be hormonal: "Testosterone may inhibit crying, while the hormone prolactin (seen in higher levels in women) may promote it." https://www.apa.org/monitor/2014/02/cry.aspx
When men get emotional, society has historically been more apt to accept--or even admire--the behavior. While with women, emotion has been considered a weakness.
Perhaps there's a correlation between men being dominant in leadership roles and our negative view of women crying at work. With leadership roles, to a large extent women are still trying to fit into roles defined by men. If crying is seen as "typical female behavior," it may be considered unacceptable or unprofessional because it differs from how males behave.
38
@SBMost people, during the time that they’re actively crying, lose much of their ability to act, to change their situation. It’s a form of helplessness. Anger, of course, can be destructive, it can be counterproductive, but it’s not so disabling. There are times when we simply can’t afford to be sidelined, to be out of the game.
9
There is another way to stop / not to cry. You do that by looking up. It is not physically possible to cry when you look up. Give it a try.
29
This is absolutely true. I read it in a magazine years ago. There’s a physiological component, not sure what or why, but looking down (which we tend to do to hide what’s going on) only compounds the problem, while looking up somehow reverses it. Take a moment to look up, and people will only think you are collecting your thoughts, won’t realize why you are really doing it. Totally works.
22
And not over-your-head UP, but just a casual that-ceiling-corner-is-currently-interesting kind of “up.” Only reasonable elevation of the gaze is needed.
I have no idea how this works if you’re overcome by paroxysms of grief, but for average everyday emotional baggage, it’s very effective.
20
@Norbert
True! At a meeting concerning the sale of my company, a life-altering event for me, I did this. I hadn't read it anywhere - it was an impulse. I had to look all the way up at the ceiling though, which in retrospect must have seemed strange to anyone who noticed.
7
Crying at work seems unprofessional. You aren’t supposed to let your emotions, other than a sense of humor and positive energy, get the better of you at work. It distracts others and makes them uncomfortable.
9
I have never seen a man cry at work in over 45 years of office labour. I have seen many women cry however, which is seen nowadays as a strength of sorts; I disagree, it is sloppy and un-professional.
15
@D Priest
But I imagine you’ve seen men lose their temper. If crying is unprofessional (and even though I am a crier, I don’t diagree with you), then overt anger is too.
53
@D Priest
Just curious, how many people have you seen extremely angry, in a rage, at work? Of the two, expressing anger or crying, which is the more unprofessional?
20
@D Priest, I've never seen a woman sexually harass anyone at work. I hear some have, but must say I've seen men do it and not women. It's gross and unprofessional, and I am glad that they're being stopped often these days.
3
Cry if you want to. Why not? Showing emotion can help us get to a better place. Hiding our true feelings is much more likely to cause problems than showing them.
35
Cry until it stops itself. It’s so natural
Actually, the ones who are able to cry are the ones who are blessed in a way bc crying releases so much tension that lodged in our body. It is a way of body healing itself.
33