Thank you. Me too.
6
I’m sick of these entitled, sexually criminal jerks making me as a man appear to be a problem. As a member of the male sex I offer my empathy, we’re not all like this. Unfortunately it seems too many are. I hope they all face justice for what they’ve done.
25
Women and girls have not reported sexual assaults because we were programed to believe that if it happened to us, we deserved it. Boys don't try this with "nice" girls, so you must have done something to provoke it. Men get some version of crazy when they get aroused, so if you led a man on to the point of crazed aggression, what did you expect? Because you believe it's your fault, who are you to report it? You are only shaming yourself further.
21
Brave lady.
7
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so very sorry for what happened to you. One point your story and so many of the comments highlight is that for so many women, sexual assault is not a one time event.
In light of the news, I have been thinking so much of my own high school/college experiences, and those of my closest friends, and trying to categorize some of the types of usual behaviors that occurred: Things that happened in rooms that were locked and we couldn’t get out; Times with ‘just’ unwanted groping; Times of unwanted penetration (o/v/a); Times we were given 80 proof alcohol unknowingly; etc. etc. etc. When bad things happen frequently, to lots of people that you know, it just feels normative, not reportable.
I believe all these women. And I think you could pick just about any adjective and put “too” in front of it, and I’m sure 35 years ago I was too whatever and so were my friends. One time we were too hungry and a guy grabbed my friend’s breasts as we walked down the street after we went to the store for a sandwich. I was 16 on a subway that was too crowded, and a man had his hands rubbing between my legs. What was I supposed to report, and who would have done anything? And those are just strangers. I still can’t talk about several people I knew and what they did to me.
Too much? I wish I could say I knew anyone who couldn’t have written virtually this exact same comment.
18
She did not deserve to be raped. No woman EVER deserves to be raped. I just want to understand why a 16 year old would EVER go out with a 23 year old. As a mother , I would never allow this. As a mother , I would wonder why a man of 23 would want to date a 16 year old child.Why should a 16 year old be going to parties with a 23 year old and enter his apartment, especially in the evening ? Where was the adult supervision ?
9
I hope that what is changing is what we are teaching our children. You tell your 8 year old daughter that no one can touch her. I tell my daughter the same thing since she was a toddler. And if I had a son I would tell him you should not touch a girl without her consent. And if you see something happening that you know is wrong and illegal, speak up, do something to help. I was never told these things as a young girl. Now I also tell my daughter don’t accept drinks from people you don’t know; take your drink with you wherever you go. If you go to parties use the buddy system with a trusted friend. If someone tries to assault you, fight, scream, don’t be passive. It is not a blame the victim mentality. Yes, one should be able to go to a party and drink and have fun and be free and not have to worry that if she’s not on her guard some sick maniac will try to force his penis inside her private body. When I step back from it and try to look at it as a non-human it is unfathomable. What kind of creature does this? Is the sexual urge so great that even the privates of a young child bring him to erection? What sickness is this and can we call this person a human? It is stories like these that make me feel sickened by humanity.
8
I was assaulted in the choir changing area by a very respected member of my small town Baptist church when I was a child. The perp was a deacon and owned the local funeral home. I was considered a weird kid. There was no point under heaven to think that anyone in that town would have listened to me. Who would I report it to? My parents, who idolized that whole family and wished aloud that our family could be more like theirs, with pretty, obedient, godly daughters instead of the out of place counter culture weirdo they got stuck with? His best friend, the preacher? His brother the sheriff? His sister, who worked with my dad? His three daughters, two of whom were in my youth group and Sunday school class? His wife, who preached constantly about how the end of the world was coming, blood of Christ, blood of Christ, sinners, hell, we're all damned? I left and never went back. They still think I'm weird. He's still a deacon.
42
Exactly. Your body belongs to you. No one else, especially not a religion or a politician.
7
I’m an old woman now, and am still dealing with the aftermath of being abused as a child. I told my mother. She said, “We can’t tell anyone or your father will kill him and go to jail.” That was probably true. I was silent...
I was an adult before I told anyone else and still bear the scars.
In your position, you have a voice. Thank you, thank you for speaking out.
18
My husband was molested as a child by a male teenage cousin and it wasn’t until he was 40 years old and on the verge of leaving his family that he told me. I will never forget the day he finally let me in. It took him almost an hour to say the words. Until that day he kept his secret from EVERYONE. He has since told his father and a therapist but the nightmares persist. To Donald trump I say that unless you’ve been a victim yourself SHUT UP! You have no right to tell anyone how to deal with their suffering.
21
thank you. and all of you/us commenting. thank you.
6
`I'm sorry for what happened to Ms. Lakshmi however why did her parents allow her at 16 to date a 23 year old man?
11
Not everyone understands until they have been raped or sexually assulted why you dont always say anything or tell until years later being difficult. My aunt was raped by an uncle and when she told, family told her she was naughty and gave her a nick name for telling lies. So when I was raped, I remembered how my aunt was treated and didnt tell. I was also sexually assulted by a stranger and at 13yrs old a priests put his hand up my skirt, I didnt tell remembering, how my aunt was treated and later how shamed and blamed my sister got for speaking up about someone in family sexually assulting her. Saying she must of done something for it to happen or she was lying.
Fear... Fear of ridicule, shamed and blamed by many. Plus knowing the perpetrators lie it didn't happen or don't know them. I commend these women for coming forward.
15
Its awful awful because we pretend the world is not operating this way. but it is. and really, haven't we girls women all been raped, touched wrongly, exploited for personal gain, abused sexually, I have. more than once. more than once by family, more than once by non family. never said it before here, especially not publicly, but you know, I don't want my daughter writing this same letter to the times 20 years from now. we are 50% of the planet or thereabout. lets stop it. the odds are in our favor.
9
What's stunned me lately is the air of grievance against the victim so many people seem to take up. Not in this particular comment section, mind you (I was largely relieved at the empathy poured out here).
No, I mean those who act like seeking justice for victims of sex crimes is a burden imposed upon society at large. It's a dark aspect of that societal "We." Proving these crimes and can be difficult and extremely disturbing, and it seems like We don't want to struggle with it all. Not really.
What DO We want? Well... We just wanna watch the game, the show, the movie, the hearings, the campaign, the sermon, or whatever. Don't block Our view. Don't be a spoiler. We mutter about how the victim didn't complain when things started. Pretty soon, the muttering becomes a chant. And c'mon, We're soooo close to the playoffs, graduation, the IPO, the WH, the appointment, Season 10, the midterms, etc., etc.... In no time at all We actually start to resent the victim him or herself! They know how these things go... They HAD to know by now how bad We wanted [whatever it is] to happen! Why'd they lead Us on up until now? It's really his/her fault We're at this point! They think they can just say the word and We'll stop what We're doing?! Well forget it! We've come too far too stop! We're not going anywhere! We've earned this! We want it now and We're going to get it now! And if We've got to force the issue, so be it!
Years later We won't even remember it. #MAGA
2
I am a MD and attended to rape victims. Several women presently or formerly close to me were raped by a boyfriend or a relative. I therefore know well that it is awful and I also understand why a woman would wait years to disclose a sexual assault.
Fortunately, (nearly?) everyone is coming to realize the lifetime impact that rape has. Rape is a serious crime and must be punished as such. Yes, the legal system must improve so that rape victims come forward. But the bottom line is: if women (and more rarely men) who are raped do not come forward and press charges right away, time and proof will pass, and these shameful perpetrators will go unpunished by law.
I fear a society where Twitter and articles in the NYT years later may be seen as a substitute for the impact of timely legal and lawful punishment, based on proof.
Again, I know that it can be very hard to come forward, expecially in "traditional" families.
1
I am saddened to read of Ms. Lakshmi's terrible experience.
The reality (from my perspective) is that Dr. Ford, apparently, had been violated as she had described. The problem is that there neither is any forensic evidence nor any contemporaneous information to definitely place Judge Kavanaugh in the room when this apparent horrific offense took place.
The sad reality is that NO MAN would be qualified for high appointed or elective office if he were LITERALLY FOUND TO HAVE HEAVILY DIRTIED A DIAPER.
America is the land of second chances and where dreams come true. If a man of exemplary character and achievement (like Judge Kavanaugh) cannot reach the pinnacle due to unproven and unsubstantiated allegations, then this country is finished.
4
Sorry to hear Ms. Lakshmi or any other woman was raped or otherwise sexually abused. Possibly there's a good argument for 16 years olds not to be dating 23 year olds, even if their mothers are apparently approving. That said, the number of commenters here who think that this and similar stories about other people in other circumstances are sufficient evidence for a low-tech lynching of Brett Kavanaugh, these people are seriously dangerous to basic notions of presumption of innocence, due process, and the rule of law.
2
Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm also a survivor of child abuse, it was similar to your experience and I was assaulted in my 20s. I was fortunate that I was able to scream for help. Some women just freeze up. I screamed and screamed and fortunately, someone heard me and came to help. He ran off. I have a successful career, I have a wonderful son, lots of friends and a wonderful family and yet I still carry deep fear, I still struggle to feel safe in this world. The dismissal of Kavanaugh's accusers is shocking to me. Dr. Ford took a polygraph. How about Judge Kavanagh?
9
Thank you, Padma. The most moving line for me: "Looking back, I now think I let my rapist off the hook and I let my 16-year-old self down."
We are so trained to blame ourselves for men's/adults inappropriate conduct. Its only as adults we realize our primary responsibility is to protect the child inside us... And maybe now all other teenagers can be protected. My sister teaches her son "emphatic consent," which I think is great!
1
Women fear coming forward about sexual abuse. Men fear offending women by questioning their credibility. Sexual abuse is the only crime that resorts to an offender list in order to stigmatize offenders. Meanwhile, women don't allege abuse very often. Women are afraid of being stigmatized by society and men are stigmatized as a matter of policy. Sexual offenses are dealt with as different from all other offenses and everyone treats them as unique. We would all be better off if sexual offenses were treated as serious felonies, nothing more and nothing less. Raping women and murdering women should be punished similarly and rape and other sexual offenses should not be treated as uniquely stigmatizing. What we do now is what was described in the Scarlet Letter. Let's stop treating rape as a crime apart and treat it, instead, as a serious and aggravated felony to be punished like all serious and aggravated felonies . Nothing good comes of attaching a unique stigma to sexual abuse and rape.
2
Thank you for sharing your experience.
As a retired “unconventional” life coach outside of the state “system”, many of my clients, both male and female felt safe enough to confide in me their childhood experiences of sexual abuse and assault. Because I had my own experiences of childhood sex abuse and was in process of healing from them, I guess I attracted others as clients who needed help. Sometimes that help consisted only of listening as someone told their story to someone for the first time in their life. During the years of my practice, I remember thinking sex abuse is a huge problem no one is talking about (this was circa 2010-2015). So many people have been sexually abused, the statistics are not even close to being accurate....and.....here we are. It’s all being revealed and coming to the surface. This is a good thing....We as humans can’t solve a problem if we don’t know about it or don’t know enough about it. We are beginning to know.
And on another tangent, if all male skeptics were subjected to involuntary sodomy by another male, every single one of them would immediately understand.
4
Sexual assault comes up a lot these days, and Kavanaugh and Cosby and the rest of the deniers of course make a lot of us flash back and sometimes speak about it. I keep flashing back to the click of the lock on the car door. My assaulter is now a successful member of his community, and the statute of limitations in Pennsylvania has run. For so many of us, our lives have been irrevocably changed by this.
"Why didn't she report?" Ha. The naive beliefs about equality and justice that are implicit in that accusation are so shocking they make my stomach turn. Do men really think we are treated as equals in any aspect of our society?
We need a change in the statute of limitations in all states and territories. NOW. We need more female prosecutors, and we need them to prosecute rapes of ALL WOMEN, not just lily white angels but also poor women and prostitutes and drug addicts. NOW. We need ALL rape kits to be processed. NOW. No longer should white men be able to commit rapes on Native reservations with impunity -- we need to pass a law overturning Oliphant v. Suquamish, which prevents many Native women from getting justice. NOW. We need more sexual health education of boys and men -- a real sex ed class about power and coercion and consent, that probably does not even exist yet. NOW.
The men in our government have shown us repeatedly that they are unable to represent our interests. Their time is up. Our time is now.
8
Padma: Thank you for saying this, and I hope that having said it will lessen the burden that may be left with you.
Not all men are that way. I think that to most of us "No" is No, "please stop" is Stop - and no, attacking a sleeping woman is not OK.
1
Most women and men do not come forward about sexual abuse until later in life. They feel victimized and fear reprisals.
2
A (male) teenager is close enough to a man to have behavior like rape and sexual assault be a warranted permanent stain on his character. People may change—-but not that much.
4
"So I want all the girls watching here and now to know that a new day is on the horizon! And when that new day finally dawns, it will be because of a lot of magnificent women...and some pretty phenomenal men, are fighting hard to make sure that they become the leaders who take us to the time when nobody ever has to say 'me too' again."
Thank you, Padma, for being one of those magnificent women Oprah so eloquently spoke of. I am beginning to believe that she was right, a new day is on the horizon and my nieces and your daughter might never carry the shame we had to.
6
Thank you for telling us your story, Ms Lakshmi.
The stories men tell themselves concern me most...about how they mean to shield us from pain or embarrassment while at the same time fret that pain & embarrassment is inevitable.
Is pain inevitable?
Let me be blunt; my experience taught me otherwise.
I found intercourse properly initiated need not be painful. Perhaps it is only when women...virgin or otherwise...are not ready that intercourse hurts.
My first go at intercourse, we took our time. My husband was patient & resourceful. We took breaks & waited for my body to adjust. To be honest, it took 24 hours to work past my blocks, the emotionally & physically intense hurdles. I later described the experience to my older sister as if my body was rearranging its furniture.
In the grand scheme of things, that 24 hour adjustment period was nothing. After I gave birth to our first child, I needed 4 months to recondition my pelvic floor. If my husband had pressed, sex would have been excruciating. We did try but again he prized teasing pleasure over tearing pain. He gave me space to work thru physical therapy. This time it took weeks, not one day, but we found my happy place again.
I owe my quality of life to my husband & to the physical therapist who coached us thru my recovery.
If sex hurts, the body needs adjustment or our partner needs to practice empathy & restraint. With a partner who is tuned in, who understands how & when, sex rewards in its mounting intensity.
4
Dear Padma,
Your courage in coming forward is inspirational. Something very similar happened to me in college, a traumatizing event that I live with today and have never really explained to anyone. My inability to fully digest what happened to me that night clearly shapes my reactions to current events. I wonder if people should be judged by their actions in high school or college (if so, should I judge the man who attacked me more harshly?) I shared your column with my 12 year old daughter, who knows and admires you from Top Chef, and told her, "these things happen. But they should never happen to you." She assured me she knew. I hope that's the case
Thank you for writing this beautiful, honest account. I, too, was assaulted by two different partners as a teenager. I, too, have blamed myself for these attacks for years. I, too, chose not to report it.
Reading these comments gave me a clear revelation for the first time: so many of us, for so long, have justified away the behavior of bad men because it “wasn’t bad enough.” Essentially, because we lived through it - because that time, at least, our attackers left us breathing.
Read the comments of this article alone - there are hundreds of women who have experienced sexual violence and, along with them, hundreds of men who faced no consequences. Enough is enough is enough. A reckoning is coming.
4
Thank you, Padma, very much, for your courage. In your position as a celebrity, I think it is much harder, due to the constant questions and prying by the public and press. But it also has such power, to affect so many, and empower them to speak out, and to change the way they think. Women like yourself are going to be instrumental in the remaking of society into a truly equal society for all genders.
5
Very well said with valuable courage and honesty! Thank you!
3
My mom is in her late 80s and came out and once in an emotional moment told me the sexual abuse she faced from a male relative (long dead) that she kept to herself and never told my late dad either. She did tell her mom but that did not go anywhere, because the relative was rich and often lent her dad money. We owe it to our children to educate them to be careful and listen to them at the smallest talk from them if they complain. Padma is doing a great job making sure her daughter became street smart to avoid becoming a prey. I agree there should not be a time limit to when the abused has overcome the trauma before they are able to tell their story. Often i is not for revenge but more to self console and remove the pain and anger from within. I think the punishment for sexual crimes is too less. A theft at a store can result in a more severe punishment than sexual abuse. That tells how much the society values girls and women. In many countries marital rape is legal including in India.
10
Thank you for sharing this. I was assaulted at 14 and still think about it. I tried to share it with my partner when we first started dating but he said it happened so long ago I should just get over it. We never get over it. It always lives inside us and our society has always said we did something wrong to let it happen. The man was in his 50's, a well respected member of the community. I had no where to go with the information. The time for change is now.
14
Thank you, Padma, for your thoughtful piece. I am a Metoo survivor. Many of us are. Your piece frees me to speak up for myself. I keep reliving my terrifying abuse at age six. Since no one was available to listen then, I continued to put myself in abusive situations for much of my life. Now is the time to tell! And I'll not be silent anymore. I wrote a memoir about it and will seek to publish it because it is a story many can relate to and it will help us all.
4
Those one in four girls being assaulted are not victims of the same few men - which means nearly one in four men is guilty of sexual assault.
Let's hope the Me Too movement changes the culture of men and their entitlement. It's about time.
4
Why don’t you think it’s the same men? If a man rapes once, probably they’ll rape again. If these men rape 2 women on average, then 1/8 men are guilty of sexual assault. Based on my encounters with men over the years, this seems about right. Still a sobering statistic.
3
Thank you for sharing.
I am 26 years old. I just want to share a bit of my story because I too understand why people don’t come forward often. I was molested on a daily basis for many years as a little girl by my cousin who’s about 4 years older than me, it stopped when I was 13, right before high school.... I finally told my family what happened when I was 22, and it tore my family apart. They didn’t know which side to believe, not that I wanted a side to be chosen, but I was very hurt and confused that they would even think not to believe me Because I would’ve gained nothing by lying.
I do sometimes regret speaking up about it, but a part of me is grateful that I finally did. To live with depression, an eating disorder and suicidal thoughts on a daily basis from the ages of 5-24 (when I began to stop feeling suicidal), is very difficult, especially because I had no one to talk to about it. My mental health was always bad because of this abuse, but it was so bad at 22 that I believe I would’ve killed myself that year if I hadn’t spoken. I felt free and like I finally had a chance of living after disclosing even though it tore my family apart.
I am proud of all the survivors that have spoken up about their sexual assault/abuse. I also especially stand for those that have passed because the pain of it all became too unbearable.
God bless us all.
26
Thank you for speaking out. We must continue to be vocal about the culture of abuse and violence against women in which we live until our stories are no longer doubted, our character is no longer questioned, and our leaders are no longer the very same men who condone and perpetuate our denigration and abuse.
3
Dear Padma
I can't express how this has touched to my core. Read every comment. 50 years enduring these emotions. Your story and those of your readers has been cathartic for me. I've been carrying these shameful feelings all these years & recently shared what happened to me with my husband. At around 7 or 8 I was molested, more than once, by friends of our families, who were 2 and 4 years older than I. Didn't have the inner strength to stop the two, brother and sister. They also must have been molested. Also, around 8 or 9, my sister, who's 4 years older than me would press herself against me, shove her tongue in my mouth and make out with me. This would happen at night when the lights were off in our bedroom. This memory came back to me about 4 months ago, and I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. It has wreaked havoc on my health. Was always fearful of going to sleep and waking her up even after it stopped. She's been a good sister and I mentally tell myself that she was exploring her sexuality. Nonetheless, my feelings are real and have negatively impacted my life. I want to bring it up with her, but fear that it will probably ruin our relationship. Would love to hear comments from your readers about how they've overcome this painful experience and flourished. I take comfort with the fact that I/we are not alone. I slept through the night for the first time that I can remember. You and your readers have helped me more than I can express. Bless You!
106
Wow, powerful story Nav. Thanks for sharing. Good luck to you whatever you decide.
4
I'd like the abuser to be named, even 32 years later, so everyone knows what he did and so he can know and participate in the lifelong impact of his actions.
11
#Me Too. Kavanaugh should not be on the Supreme Court, but there is more to this. Little boys, two year olds, need to be taught early and often that sexual dominance is socially inappropriate. It begins so much earlier than Americans want to admit.
9
I spoke up more then 10 years ago, when a man assaulted me on my way home from a college party. He put a plastic bag over my head and nearly strangled me to death, because I wouldn't stop fighting him. I was saved by a pedestrian passing by (who didn't help me btw). I called the police and what followed was in a way worse: young police officers giggling about my story,because the plastic bag was "so funny". Later on I was summomed to a special unit, where I spoke to another officer. That wasn't really better: I was told, that I couldn't just say, he wanted to "rape" me. Since he didn't, there was no proof of his intentions. I had to demonstrate with my own hands, how his free hand and penis touched me and had to show what I meant with "vagina". Later on they caught him because of several other victims. At court I had to testify just 2m away from him to an all male judge panel, who asked me, if the incident caused later on any other inconveniences for me. In the end the judges decided, that a plastic bag, wasn't a "dangerous tool" and that therefore my life couldn't have been ever in danger and that he didn't try to rape me, because he didn't manage to penetrate me. He only got several month in a psychiatric facility for "intended sexual harassment" for me and some very few years for the other victims. He is free now. Yeah me for having spoken up - the public humiliation just got me another trauma. Freakin' awsome!
26
Padma Lakshmi has given a fitting reply to President Trump’s stupid tweet saying, “if the attack [by Brett Kavanaugh] … was as bad as she [Dr. Blasey] says, charges would have been immediately filed with local Law Enforcement Authorities by either her or her loving parents.”
It’s a shame that the man who is a grandfather doesn’t know that it takes years of agonizing over and lots of courage for a sexual-assault victim to reveal her experience, even to her parents. That, almost always, the victims blame themselves for what happened, is another reason for their reluctance. The president is unaware of that, too.
Adults also have blame-the-victim-first mindsets. Look at what happened to Ms. Lakshmi: For revealing what happened when she was just 7 years old, her parents banished her to India for a year. Her conclusion from the experience – "If you speak up, you will be cast out” – is right.
The conclusion we can draw from Trump’s tweet is that he also has a blame-the-victim-first mindset. If Dr. Blasey had reported her experience, his reaction would be akin to what Ms. Lakshmi says: “What the hell were you doing in his apartment?”
To those who say that a man should not be punished for a mistake he made as a teenager, Ms. Lakshmi’s answer is: “But the woman pays the price for the rest of her life....”
In the case of Judge Kavanaugh it is all the more inexcusable because he is in total denial of what he did; and he and his supporters are portraying the victim as a liar.
13
This is a powerful story. Thank you Padma.
The right thing to do for the republican is to let the FBI investigate the Kavanaugh’s cases. His daughters must know, if a man touches a woman’s body or assault women, that is not ok. And there will be consequences by law and society - no exceptions - including their father.
3
Many people don't realize they can comment on articles in the New York Times. Some can't afford it - it costs me $16.00 a month because I am in Canada. To make them aware I have copied and pasted some of these comments to my Facebook page so others can read them. You might want to do the same? Reading others agonies is so sad but it has also made me feel lighter and more able to put on foot in front of the other. Does misery love company? I suppose so.
1
What I don’t understand is why there are so many studied jounalists working for the news network that shall remain unnamed, who do not see a need to do any research on this issue. They just lock step and blame the victims. I’m as blind as a fox looking at headlights on that one!
2
“But the woman pays the price for the rest of her life” Exactly. You think you get over it but then the feeling rises up during times like these. The pure terror of loosing all control over your own body. That feeling we had is NEVER forgotten but the man can go on living his life like nothing happened and get to be president. I didn’t report when I was raped at 17 because I knew I would be blamed. Now my rapist has a child, and if that child is a boy he will probably turn out to be a rapist also. Thank you for sharing, Padma.
5
@Aimee *losing*
1
How old is Ms. Lakshmi? Per Donald Trump, if the rape happened 36 years ago and wasn't reported (as was the case according to Ms. Ford) then it doesn't count.
Of course, that didn't stop Trump from attacking Ted Cruz' father for supposed involvement in JFK's assassination 53 years after it happened, or disputing Barack Obama's birth certificate 54 years after it was issued.
16
A guy on his mid-30 told me how he discovered sex(intercourse) with a cousin who babysat him and his younger siblings while his parents were away. He was 12. Right away I said so you were raped. I wouldn’t call it that way he said because she really taught me how to have and enjoy sex!
2
The essay was superbly necessary but so too were the comments I have been reading. A profound expression in all.
10
Thank you for speaking up. I am nearly 80 and still have trouble sharing my experience of sexual abuse at the hands of a visiting cousin when I was 12. I told my mother the morning after it happened, but she just shrugged and said, "Well I can't do anything about it now." I decided that morning I would leave home when I graduated high school, and I did, with only brief visits over the next 40 years. We never spoke of it again, and I was only able to talk about it with a therapist after I was 50.
20
Unimaginable - I want to lay down on the floor and cry my eyes out reading your words. Man’s inhumanity to man makes countless thousands mourn - said Robbie Burns
When I was about five years old, a man who was known to my relatives put his hand between my legs. I immediately ran to tell my mother. She laughed at me. When I was in my fifties I tried to talk to her about this. She claimed that she didn't know what I was talking about. After that, I never forgave her or felt close to her
14
I want all of us to protect our daughters from being raped or assaulted.
The only way to accomplish this objective is to be truthful and honest with everybody and share the most important lessons so we don’t repeat the same kind of mistakes.
I have been reading this article very carefully. I don’t understand the author’s relationship with her mother or parent’s inability to protect the young victim.
Did Padma tell her mother that she intended to go to her boyfriend apartment after the New Year celebration?
If the parent didn’t strongly encourage the victim against such a step then we can blame her mother for not explaining her young daughter how the males think or what to expect once in his apartment.
If the kids believe they are smarter than their parents and don’t consult with them or ask for the critical questions, then the teenagers are going to make the wrong decisions.
You parents are your best friends. Use them as the best consultants that exist in this world.
My guess is that the author didn’t advise her mother about her intention to go to the boyfriend’s apartment after the New Year celebration. If she afterwards shared that the sexual attack happened over there, the parents would go to the police and report the crime.
Just talk to your parents!
3
What if your parent is the person who has abused you?
11
adding to my previous comment that may open your eyes a little bit more. what I didn't include in my comment was that my mom drove me to the older man's house and it was her who said I should get over it. your parents aren't always your best friends.
7
@Zareen
No humans are perfect and there the bad apples everywhere. We have to trust somebody and our very parents are the best bet...
Of course there the monster parents but how many promiles or percents?
Yes, this! So proud of you for speaking out. I'm 33 and realized recently that something that happened to me with a much older man when I was 16 was rape. I accepted blame for it believing (wrongly) that since I was "of age" and since "I didn't do anything to stop it" that I was wrong to feel so badly about it and I should just forget it. If it took us this long to even realize what happened to us was rape, then we as a society need to realize there is NO time limit for these things! Thank you, Padma.
3
I was assaulted by an older man when I was 14 and raped when I was in college. I don't know how the older man expected me to react or if he cared, but the rapist was shocked that I was crying and hid in the bathroom afterward. "What's wrong? It's supposed to be fun!" he said. You see, men just don't get it. To men (and I'm generalizing here--forgive me) ALL sex is A-OK with them. It's fun! Just lie back and enjoy it. Why do women have to make such a big deal out of it. Well, I tell you what. I don't hear any men demanding to know why the thousands of men who were sexually assaulted by priests didn't report it at the time, because they KNOW that if they were raped by another man they would be ashamed, humiliated and afraid what people would think of them--which is EXACTLY why women don't report.
32
"Some say a man shouldn’t pay a price for an act he committed as a teenager. But the woman pays the price for the rest of her life, and so do the people who love her." Right on, sister!
28
When my mother was 87 years old (five years before she died) she told me the awful secret she had been carrying around since childhood; her maternal uncle had exposed himself to her. She never told her widowed mother for fear of upsetting her, and instead lived with her private shame. She felt tremendous relief after telling me. I am very sad that she waited so long.
18
1) Sexual assault is wrong. Rape is wrong. They are crimes. Period.
But as a society we need to get where we can have certain conversations surrounding this without being beaten down.
2) I'm the father of 5 boys. I have tried to teach each of them, don't have sex until you are married. Old fashioned? Yes. Naive? Maybe. But still a good standard to teach and if followed highly effective at preventing unwanted pregnancy, STDs ... and sexual assaults. I also teach them, don't be the guy who would take advantage of a woman in a compromising situation, in addition be the guy courageous enough to protect women from other guys who would take advantage of them.
3) But we also need to be able to teach our girls that if you are 16 dating a 23 year old, go to parties, drink alcohol, go back to his apartment alone, get in bed with him... bad or unintended things are much more likely to happen. And we have to be able to teach that without being accused of blaming the victim or excusing the men.
I hate what happened to Ms. Lakshmi and for how it has affected her life. There is no excuse for what this guy did. Zero. But this discussion needs to be a 2 sided discussion where we forthrightly tell men and boys what is right and what is wrong, but we also need to learn from past situations like this and tell women and girls to make decisions that don't put them unduly vulnerable situations where guys like this are likely to abuse them and be able to get away with it.
25
Repnah - She didn’t get in bed with him - she went and lay on his bed. Big difference!Otherwise I can agree with a lot of what you say. Girls do like to flirt and dress provocatively and boys misread them. I believe men and women are simply not the same species and that should be taught to children. As a good man once said to me “men are dogs” and women are competitive and much meaner to their own than men are. Both have understandable reasons for being the way they are.
1
I had a friend who was being molested by her father. She told her favorite teacher who then shamed her for being such a liar.
I was date raped when I was in my 20s. I never reported it because my "date" stated, "You wanted it. Otherwise you wouldn't be here."
Those are some reasons why women haven't spoken up.
18
My mother who was born in 1920 warned me when I was leaving for college in 1960 that if I got drunk and went to a guy's apartment to expect to be sexually assaulted. This turned out to be true. Sexual assault has been going on for a long time!
I am with you with all my heart.
12
Me too, Padma.
While no woman or man that has been sexually assaulted should be expected to speak publicly about such matters, I appreciate your honesty and courage to use your tragic story to call out the insensitive speculations made by our president. Have we learned nothing from the #MeToo movement, Mr. Trump? While this may seem like just another hurdle to overcome for some lawmakers and government officials, this national (and global) problem of sexual assault is ruining women's lives. It doesn't matter if it was yesterday or 50 years ago, being sexually assaulted is not something you forget.
9
When I was eleven the dentist fondled my developing breasts. I never went to that dentist again. And I never told anyone until now, more than 60 years later.
25
Ms Lakshmi: I have read your column three times now and each time I read it I get so angry. Angry that you have to have your experience. Angry that you have had to live with it. Angry that we live in a world where so many woman have had your experience and had to live with it, with life long repercussions. Thank you for speaking up so eloquently and thank you for your courage and bravery.
12
@Vanessa, we can all transform this anger into a world where not a single girl ever gets hurt.
4
How do we know when a woman is telling the truth or not? In 2004 when my partner was dying from cancer, I was accused of inappropriate behavior toward a female student. The free-form narrative that she gave the police on campus detailed many things that happened spun in a way that looked bad as well as outright lies. I was lucky that the complaint was dismissed but I wonder what would have happened if I had been straight.
How can we tell when these allegations are true? I think we really need to discuss this as well.
19
Being a victim of both sexual assault and rape as a child, teen, and young adult, I am certain that my earlier experiences groomed me to be a victim of my later ones. Looking back with clear eyes, I believe that this experience was that of women throughout history, perhaps amplified by the reverberations of the sexual revolution of my parents’ generation.
However, I feel absolutely no obligation to publicly ‘out’ the perpetrators. By choosing what I want to speak about, I retain the power over my own narrative. Healing was certainly necessary,but private. I think that the damage done to me was also amplified by my own Puritan upbringing.
I now have a rich and fulfilling sex life, marriage, family, and career. I train my daughters and sons to be sexually cautious and respectful. But I feel no obligation to any movement or to society to parade myself about on social media or elsewhere.
Our modern era is characterized by a sort of secular Puritanism that I find frightening as it brands masculinity as toxic and motherhood as a barrier to feminine achievement. The short-sighted foolishness of this outrage culture will surely bear bitter fruit for our society.
4
JJ I am sorry for what happened to you. Your comments on toxic masculinity, etcetera, in the last part of your post have some validity, in my opinion, but NOT in this context. Masculinity has nothing to do with sexually assaulting women, children or even other men. Rape is a crime of power and a sense of entitlement. This comes from a patriarchal culture that teaches males either overtly or implicitly that they have rights over other people without their consent.
Working toward a society that is more equal and teaching the value of every human being from a young age may help to stop the terrible and very common crimes of sexual abuse and assault.
You may see public airings of people's experiences and accusations against perpetrators as excessive, but that is your personal view. The victims may need this method to clear the air and to heal, and also to push towards real recognition of this problem so it can be stopped.
The comments of the president and many (male) members of Congress regarding the accusations about the Supreme Court nominee show just how widespread the lack of understanding and acceptance of the prevalence of sexual assault is from the most powerful segments of society on down.
4
But you did feel the need to write the words above did you not?! What could be the meaning behind that? I also imagine you have read many of the posts and I expect they has given you some insight and relief. I know I have spent almost 2 days in this site and it has been 2 days well spent. I think putting it on the table [with or without our full name behind it] is an extremely good thing to do. Right next to a good therapist.
Ms. Lakshmi, thank you for sharing your story. I am so grateful that women have finally found their voices.
I was also raped, as an 18 year old virgin, by an "older" boy in his mid-20's. He held a pillow over my face to smother me and any screams of protest. Then he said, "no one will believe you. It's your word against mine."
That was 54 years ago and I never revealed it except to my college roommate, a therapist, and my spouse. I became depressed for years. This Kavanaugh story has brought back all the pain, humiliation and rage that I experienced then, throughout the years, and now.
Women manage to go on with their lives, but they never forget or fully recover from these experiences. Men who make light of this trauma or accuse women of lying also reveal their contempt for women.
25
Not to discount the abuse to women, but please remember that many many young boys have been the victims of male sexual predators.
10
We understand clearly what the Times is attempting to do. Run a couple stories about men who have been falsely accused of rape, for balance, or even falsely accused of any crime. And spend lots of columns intoning about the presumption of innocence and the need to protect the innocent, even if it means that some guilty go free.
At that point, I will start to believe that the Times is not merely pushing an agenda.
5
Having been raped at 21 in a situation similar to Ms. Lakshmi and having thought about it for 47 years, I've drawn some conclusions as to why many men don't get it.
Rape of any kind is an annihilation, a discounting of the victim to the point of her becoming meaningless. We are ashamed to acknowledge that we could matter so little and that we have no control over our own lives or what is done to our bodies. We have become a nullity, a shameful and terrifying truth to admit to anyone, ourselves included.
Men, on the other hand, have far fewer opportunities to encounter such a total negation and consequently, don't have the foundation of shared experience to allow understanding or compassion. It's not that our husbands, lovers, partners and sons are bad guys. They simply don't live lives as vulnerable as those of the women they love.
17
I too was raped, when I was 14, by my father. This continued weekly until I was 17. After I joined the Navy and left home, he went after my sister, the youngest of his 3 children.
50 years later, I still suffer. Even though my father's dead 10 years, he has ruined me, my sister and 2 of my sons (my x-wife sent 2 of his grandsons to live with him for the summer! ). I am under intense pressure to keep all this quiet. My 2nd wife and my psychologist sees no reason to go public against a dead man. (I got a good story to tell)
19
@Theodore, tell your story. You deserve closure and you also deserve peace of mind. And in order to heal, you need to speak of your story. Not to mention, your family needs to heal. If I can recommend anything, join a support group and/or an organization that deals with rape/sexual assault, etc. To me it would be very therapeutic finding others who have unfortunately experienced some of the same things and to also help educate others.
Also, find a new psychologist. I couldn’t imagine being told to keep quite about a traumatic experience because “said person” is now dead, whether that person was family or not. You deserve to tell your story and for it to be heard. But do so on your terms and at your pace. Sending you all the love and light in the world and most importantly peace.
1
Glad you went at least partly out on him. His problem, not yours. Shame on him.
Thank you, Padma. For similar reasons, I tell my 8-yr-old daughter the same thing. I appreciate your bravery. Gives me the courage to speak up further. I’m shocked and saddened by how pervasive this all is. But it also brings me comfort that I’m not as alone as I always thought. Sorry this happened to you. Thank you for speaking up.
8
Thank you for sharing your story. You are absolutely right...a woman lives with it her whole life, making the timing of the initial incident immaterial. Thank you for opening my eyes to that.
6
Thank you for your courage in speaking out Ms. Lakshmi.
Your statement..."If you speak up, you will be cast out." is so true, it happened to me too.
8
Thank you for telling your story. I too am a survivor as are millions of others. Those stats on the prevalence of sexual abuse are astonishing. Yes, it has to change. I understand why people don't come forward and want to forget the trauma as quick as humanly possible. I know I did. The monsters who rape seem to count on that though. I applaud the brave women and men coming forward now to tell their stories and who are taking on these serial rapists in places of power and everywhere else. #metoo
7
Twenty-five years ago, I was in a men's group where we discussed our own feelings about masculinity, and among other things, confessed to sexual transgressions. Several of the men revealed that they had on occasion had sex with a drunken date over her protests. I didn't feel that I had anything of that sort to confess, but now I'm not so sure. As a man in my twenties, before I was married, I sometimes went to bed with women, knowing that I was simply using them for sex, and had no plans to pursue a subsequent relationship with them. My assumption was that, like me, they enjoyed a casual connection. Yet on one or two occasions I was met with subsequent anger at not dating them again. While not ruling out the possibility of both partners simply wanting to enjoy themselves in bed, I think young men need to be aware of the need to communicate their motives, and perhaps to restrain themselves from moving too fast before their intentions are clear to themselves and their dates. For young women, it's important to make clear what they are not willing to do. Otherwise, falling asleep on a man's bed can seem like an invitation to him to become a sexual aggressor.
The assumption of many traditional societies that women and men must be kept separate because if given the opportunity men will rape women turns out to be truer of our own society that we believed. A good deal more education will be necessary to reduce the danger to women, and perhaps it will never disappear entirely.
14
Falling asleep on someone’s bed is not an invitation! If she wants to have sex, she will tell you! Falling asleep clearly does not say “lets have sex”. Why is this so unclear to men?? I can’t believe what I’m reading.
13
I accidentally hit recommend on your statement, so now I feel the need to express how concerning I find it. How could “falling asleep” ever constitute an “invitation” for anything? Watch this video: https://youtu.be/QDhKM8qWWBM (Consent Tea) maybe it will help you understand where you’re going wrong.
1
I am not surprised that as a man instead of actually putting blame where it belongs you offer re-education of women. It’s like saying “you know we can’t control our urges, so instead of us changing, you need to just take it for granted whatever actions you do, we are probably going to rape. We figure it’s a given. We are that amoral, that unethical, that plain stupid!
1
As the youngest child in a large family, I was molested by both brothers. Throughout my early adulthood I suppressed the memories as natural children’s curiosity. Lately I did the math, and realized they were legal adults at the time. I’m also starting to realize why I could not sustain a healthy marriage, and why I am now devoted to living alone. Yes, the negative effects of sexual abuse/molestatation/assault last a lifetime, and affect many people.
8
What part of having one’s body physically and forcefully invaded by someone else don’t men “get?” Is it the part where you don’t want it to happen? Is it the part where you lose control of your body? Is it the part where a foreign thing is pushed into you unbidden? Is it the part where you are left like a rag doll when “they are finished?”
Men understand these things quite well. They are not stupid, only intentionally emotionally withdrawn. It goes with their definition of how to be masculine: They objectify and make it not their problem. That is exactly what this Committee is doing as we watch. They are objectifying the witness, separating her out from “their” reality, providing themselves with a visual shield in the form of another woman to question (prosecute) the victim/accuser. All Kavanaugh has been taught to do is to say he wants a “fair” process. Really? It’s clear that what he really wants is a pass — just like the rest of the Republican Senate that is SILENT as they watch this metaphorical rape going on in their name. Beyond disgusting.
20
Me too
6
First, will someone please tell me why it is that there is not a single religion that did not charge the male and in some cases they charged the female (in some places they still charge the woman today) when it came to rape. Second, why do so many fathers even today state that it is great if there son has sex but their daughters better not? Both of these issues point out that the human animal is a failure!
11
@David Gage Yes the human animal is a failure.
3
I am sorry as a 2 time survivor, I believe you and stand with you.
5
How brave you are. We (women) all need your courage. Love and peace to you.
9
Ms. Lakshmi, please know that you are a member of a club that includes billions--yes, billions--of women. Please also try not to blame yourself for letting your rapist off the hook or letting your 16-year-old self down. Some of us feel we've let our 16-year-old, 20-year-old, 22-year-old, 36-year-old, 41-year-old and 52-year-old selves down. Wisdom, experience, and force of will mean nothing in those situations without familial and institutional support, which few, if any, of us had in the 1980s, and which is obviously not completely in place even today Your wonderful work with your daughter is giving her what few of us ever had. Thank you for sharing your story. You are not alone.
5
I am saddened this happened. But this is nothing more than confined smearing by inclusion of this story at this time, of Judge Kavanaugh and his family. Shameful
4
Then instead of this story-by-story denial, let the FBI do an investigation, and determine what facts can be confirmed. Call the relevant witnesses, put them under oath, and let’s hear what they have to say. So what if this delays a confirmation by a week.
Sometimes the truth is important, and never more so when an individual’s character and integrity is being questioned. Someone here is lying.
10
Oh Pete - it is so wonderful when a man posts something like this. Thanks and well said -“someone is lying” for sure.
1
What's missing from this discussion is the men. One in 7 adults who are raped is a man, one in 7 adults who are sexually assaulted is a man. For those of you who do numbers, that's 14 percent, and you can think of any other 14 percent demographic and ask yourself if it would be okay if they were not represented. Men "report" with 1/3 the frequency that women do. So part of why they are not represented is that they don't come forward. But the rest is pure societal prejudice.
It would be better to hear from them one seventh of the time, don't you think? Men could then read it and feel it in a way that might affect them just a little bit more than these stories currently do. They could think back to before Lawrence v. Texas, and think about whether they would have reported and why not. And then they would know that coming forward after decades might not be usable in court, but it doesn't mean it did not happen. Women could then read it and not be sure they fully understood. They could think about what they could say when they might be required to empathize and understand something that couldn't happen that way to them.
It may never happen, but it's missing from all of this.
6
I believe it is important to speak up if something like this happens, so the perpetrator can be caught and stopped before someone else is hurt, perhaps more seriously. Obviously, there are some families and cultures in which this would not work, but I'm amazed that so many of the abused women we are hearing from seem never to have considered this angle. I guess it's every woman for herself.
4
@SR
I think you do not understand that girls & women still get branded by such admissions. Just read what the president of the US says.
5
So what you’re essentially saying is: Let’s blame the victims when sexual predators repeatedly assault women because the victims’ silence is the real problem.
6
Although I was never physically assaulted, boys in junior high would call out my name and say one of two things. Either “You’re a carpenter’s dream - flat as a board and easy to screw!” or “We’re the FBI (Female Body Inspection) team”.
No adult (teacher) who heard those words ever intervened.
In a Catholic high school, an upperclassman would see me at lunchtime and yell “Suzy Sixpence is a whore!” [name changed to protect the innocent] and things not fit for print.
I told people, including the Dean of Students, my mother . . . Mom’s response—it must be something you’re doing, Dean’s: boys will be boys, and there’s nothing I can do.
Some of us DO tell, yet few are believed. I DID let adults know of the harassment the bullying the embarrassment. It got me nowhere. So sure—tell someone. Just don’t expect it to make a difference.
2
I've had many episodes of sexual assault as a child and as an adult. I haven't even thought of them as such other than I knew no better. When these things happened as an adult, I blamed myself.
At 47 years old, I thought of writing a book to try to heal from it but the more I try, the more instances of sexual assault surface that apparently my subconscious had been holding on to. I didn't realize how much this has happened to me. I've been silent during this #metoo movement because I don't know of many in my shoes. It's good to know that others realize why women don't speak up until years later. Sometimes you just can't hold it in anymore. Thank you Padma.
My marriage is dying too because my husband doesn't understand and after 19 years together, I know I can't talk to him about this. He says he knew I had baggage when he met me and he's okay with it. But this is more than baggage. I often wonder if he's carrying the same baggage.
I've been mess lately and an hour of counseling each week is slowly killing me because you open that wound and it stays open for you to process... alone, until you open another wound and the first one is still open. You begin to walk around with a body full of open wounds that nothing can heal and hope to survive long enough to help my children if/when it's their turn.
I don't know when or how, I just know this healing HAS to happen. My life depends on it.
8
I think it will happen Jackie - sounds to me like you have what it takes. Honesty, intelligence and guts. It worked for me although I must admit it took years. I often stepped out of my doctors office for long periods of time - luckily he always made room for me when I came back. I have come to like myself and that makes all the difference. Maybe you can compare it to physical illness where you have to start from ground zero and slowly climb the hill. So many of us on this site understand ... hope that helps.
1
Padma, please, please,please--EDUCATION is a must for our children, what you mentioned you say to your daughter should be said to every child in our elementary school system. I have been trying to convince our public school leaders to incorporate a high quality class for all children. How to identify sexual misconduct, how to react, how to get louder, who to report it to and if need be, how to physically protect themselves. This, in my opinion, is paramount as a next step. I thank you so much for sharing and hope we all take the necessary next step so this does not continue to happen ever again.
3
NO one should be sexually assaulted. period full stop.
With that said, Ms. Lakshimi's story as presented, does exactly what so many others do, it misdirects.
As an example, she declares she was not drunk, and in a paragraph that attempts to prevent anyone from asking questions.
What she does not say was if she was drinking and how much she had had. Drunk people rarely know when they became drunk or what decisions they made.
Then she commits the major sin, she links to a report that is created by a group that is promoting that every woman on the planet has been raped. That report was "prepared" for journalists.
What none of the journalists ever does is look at the studies used to make the claim. Each and every one is based on a mathematical extrapolation to make grandiose claims, while refusing to release the underlying data.
One of the used reports is one that has been said to claim that 25% of college women are rape victims. Yet the authors of that study state clearly that they only used self-administered surveys and paid college kids with gift cards. They admit they did not define what rape or sexual assault was.
They admit they asked the question as were you ever raped, sexually assaulted OR sexually harassed as a single question.
even more direct is that study had its authors come on public news and tell the media to stop misreporting what they said and to actually read their results.
But no one does that. Instead they promote shock stats that are false.
2
Please see https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/NISVS-infographic-2016.pdf
Summary finding: About 1 in 3 women and nearly 1 in 6 men were victims of contact sexual violence at some point in their lives. Sorry to disappoint you, but sexual assault is a very pervasive problem in this country as well as worldwide.
5
@mike- Read the men's comments and them read the women's comments.
1
Thank you for including a photo of the author. Now I know what the face of courage looks like.
4
Ms. Lakshmi suddenly became so tired while on a date with her much-older boyfriend that she lay down and fell asleep. It's possible that he drugged her just like Bill Cosby. And she's still protecting him by not revealing his name. This man committed statutory rape of an underage girl when he was 23. He could still be doing it. Tell us his name so others can take care not to be with him.
8
thank you for sharing. but what has this got to do with kavaunagh? what has he done wrong?
if dr ford suceeds, then you or I can be brought down with only a loud claim and allegation. or in the case of Kavaunagh, simply be generalisation of behaviours of frat boys.
i am asian, like you. so someone says asians are dishonest and claims i stole her watch 30 years ago- and so my reputation, my career, my imminent opportunities are put on hold or destroyed.
this is what this is about. nothing to do with women and rape.
1
Women have been subjugated and abused for thousands of years. This experience can be said to have gone cellular for females. At the same time, the self-righteousness and entitlement of males can also be said to have gone cellular. This helps explain why the dysfunction of abuse and disrespect is such a difficult phenomenon to uproot. The good news, as the science of epigenetics proves, is that even that which has gone cellular can change again. I am very hopeful that this current shift in the consciousness of some women and men will finally break these very old patterns. Furthermore, it is clear to me that males who dismiss the experiences of abused females are responding from a place of guilt - of having abused a female in one way or another themselves - and from a desire to keep in place the entitlement to dominance that they have enjoyed for so very long.
I, too, was sexually abused as a girl. I, too, said nothing. I, too, have carried the shame and the guilt for not having spoken up for myself. I spent my life feeling (I finally realized) that my body was for men to use as they liked. As an older woman I am now struggling to regain some sense of self-respect and to find that kernel of sovereignty within me that has been buried for thousands of years.
6
I understand your feelings. I’m 63 years old. I was raped by three boys when I was 5 or 6 years old. The experience was so traumatic that I didn’t remember the incident until 2014, when I had an accidental encounter with one of the rapists. And the worst part is that my family is in denial and doesn’t want me to even talk about it. My oldest sister and brother were the facilitators. They wanted to punish me I don’t know for what.
4
Very brave of you, Padma. Thank you.
2
Ms. Lakshmi, thank you for sharing your story. Sadly, it is all too common, but that does not diminish the power of your personal experience.
After more than seven decades, I have been sexually assaulted more than once and touched inappropriately many more times over many decades.
Sexual assault and rape are about power, not about sex. People who commit these acts want to assert their control over us.
When we don't report, as we often don't even now, afraid of ridicule, shame and more, we give the perpetrators even more power. This is not a criticism of you or your choices. It is simply reality.
You have brought your experiences into the light. I predict they will have less power over you than they formerly had. I hope so.
I have spoken up about my experiences even though it is far too late to prosecute any man for them. I encourage other women to do the same.
5
I, too, was raped at 15. I never said anything until I was in my late 30s.
5
Thank you for your courage, Ms Lakshmi, and for expressing your very articulate anger in telling your #MeToo story. May it be so, that your daughter grows up in a healthier, more equal, world.
4
One in four teenagers is sexually abused. How many of four boys and men are the abusers? It is time for a reckoning. All great change comes with some pain, and the burden of this one should not should be borne almost solely by the victims, be they men, women or children
2
Reading all of these stories of assault, and reflecting on my own experiences, I can’t help but wonder if it’s part of a concerted effort by men to ensure that women never compete on equal footing. How can you rise to the level of CEO when 25% of your brain is devoted to managing and/or warding off sexual trauma?
8
With 7.6 billion male and females on earth every female can find a good man, and every man can find a good woman. Males that rape women lack confidence as males. These individuals need to be psychologically tested since the first grade in school, every year till they reach adulthood. The propensity to rape and/or kill can be discovered. However, the supreme court will not allow a mandatory law to test kids for any reason.
Thank you for sharing, reading your article reminded me of what it was like to be 16 years old growing up in America. I shamefully forgot. I forgot about how we are uncertain and self conscious. I forgot how WE, as young Girls did not go to our parents with this type of information because it would of been our fault.
On that note, I think culturally there needs to be a change in how we view dating. First, there is a fine and blurry line when it comes teenage dating. As a young girl, we are encouraged to date. Encouraged for the boy to come over the house. Encouraged to go out with them. Even encouraged to kiss. At the same time, we are told to either wait for the next step or save yourself for marriage. Our mothers taught us not to put ourself in certain situations and we tried our best to follow.
Now On the other side, what were boys taught??? That “boys will be boys?” That “if she is willing, why not?”
As parents we are making a perfect situation for this type of rape to occur. To our daughters we tell them date and kiss. To our boys they are told what????
I think a step to eliminating this problem, is to start teaching our young boys and men how to be gentlemen again. How to talk about what they are feeling sexually. To explain that kissing is not permission. Maybe even telling them, not to put themselves in certain situation for the next step to occur.
Above all we need to encourage open communication!!!!! Especially for the young boys feeling and thoughts.
6
I AM PADMA!
Need I say more?
2
I wouldn't accept any criticism coming from Trump about a rape victim. As proof for silence, I was afraid to tell anyone that older neighbor boys sexually molested me when I was a kid. I also later experienced a Boy Scout leader doing the same to me but by then I was older and already scared enough to run away from him. I didn't tell anyone about this guy because who would've believed a young boy my age that this happen.
As further proof, Trump by his own admission could kill someone on camera and his brainwashed, ignorant minded base of supporters including Republican leaders like Mitch McConnell would find some lame reason to excuse Trump's behavior.
10
One in four teenagers is sexually abused.
How many of four boys and men are the aubers?
It is time for a reckoning. All great change comes with some pain, and the burden of this one should not should be borne almost solely by the victims, be they men, women or children
2
@white tea drinker Please cite statistics...
These women are very brave for sharing their most personal secrets with the world and are to be admired for that. But does any of this matter to Trump or those powerful, almighty senators? I doubt it!
5
Don’t think for a second that Christine Ford matters to Democrats. They could have asked him about this issue long before the last minute stunt they pulled.
It’s all politics.
@JAC- So the timing is the problem? That's why the Reps are in a rush. So that more dirt on this guy doesn't come out IN TIME.
2
Yes. Now you have. The Democrats timing is the only issue at this point because there is no proof that he did anything and her assertions at this point are questionable.
Republicans know the Dems playbook and they aren’t about to let them have this especially in light of Keith Ellison
Such hypocrisy....
After reading the endless counts of the rapes and sexual attacks described on the pages of the NYT, it is easy to recognize that all of them could have been prevented by adhering to several simple principles:
Don’t drink because you are going to become incapacitated and unable to defend self!
Don’t attend the wild parties because the males get equally drunk, aroused and incapable of controlling own behavior. Many of them under such conditions go outside, drive a car and get killed because they are literally unable to control own actions or make the smart decisions.
Don’t get into the private rooms with any male partner because they construe it as your readiness to have a sex. You can talk as much as you want in the public space too.
Please, if you want to protect your daughters from the sexual assaults, teach them those basic defensive techniques and principles.
It is your responsibility to explain them how their male companions might misconstrue their behavior or get too drunk to behave properly and stay capable of controlling their lust and cravings.
Help all of them in becoming the better people. Don’t date the guys that are heavy drinkers or use the narcotics because those substances are stronger than our will.
That’s the very definition of addiction. The chemical reactions within our bodies are stronger than the human mind.
The traffic accident deaths are the leading cause of the death in that age group…
2
@Kenan Porobic And while you're at it why didn't you mention the usual: tell women not to dress provacatively, walk in dark places, stay in groups, etc.? The onus is not on women to save men from their weaker selves--men still control this society and have taken advantage of their position to assault women since forever and have gotten away with it. It's no more boys will be boys--grow up and take responsibility for you actions.
8
@theresa
Theresa,
Why are you charging me with something I didn’t say at all? You have the every right to criticize the things I said or prove as wrong every single sentence I wrote, but please don’t blame me for the things somebody else did or said.
Thanks!
P.S. By the way, I personally try to avoid the dark and lonely areas at night. Why? The prevention does matter!
@Theresa
By the way, you are wrong that the males control this world.
The women hold the most important roles. They are the mothers that give a birth to the babies and spend the years raising them, meaning the females are fully responsible for the moral values and norms installed into those children at very young age.
Additionally, I didn’t attack or blame you at all. I just provided you with the key principles how to better protect self.
When the male-dominated Armies prepare to defend from aggression, they construct the forts, the bunkers and dig out the deep trenches.
That doesn’t mean they are intimated, afraid or scared but just properly prepared for the worst developments…
How courageous of you to share your incredibly difficult story, to give a voice to the violence you experienced and held speechless in your heart. Just because rape isn't reported doesn't mean it didn't happen. Now at least women are permitting themselves - and encouraging each other - to step forward. When women come together we can accomplish amazing changes in social behavior and policy change. And hopefully the very loud message we are singing and implementing as a society will increase the likely that the that the children we bear will not be rapists or victims.
2
I admire your courage to speak out and inform others as to how this happened to you and that you did not report it to the authorities. I, too, was raped at the age of 14 and never reported it for many of the reasons you listed. It would be tremendous if society learned to accept women and the trauma they have experienced, then our society would be a much better place where our daughters would not have to endure what we have.
7
I don’t like “the Islamic culture”. It has replaced the faith with the ancient Arabic customs that predated the creation of the Holy Book for many centuries.
It’s peddling the Arabic personal names, the Arabic dress code, the Arabic language, the Arabic alphabet, the Arabic music, the Arabic architecture and the ancient desert tribal customs as the pure faith.
But on the other side, it really took very serious efforts to protect the women from the sexual assaults. What kind of believer would be unable to control own lust and cravings or physically force somebody else into the sexual intercourse?
After reading the endless counts of the rapes and sexual attacks described on the pages of the NYT, it is easy to recognize that all of them could have been prevented by adhering to several simple principles:
Don’t drink because you are going to become incapacitated and unable to defend self!
Don’t attend the wild parties because the males get equally drunk, aroused and incapable of controlling own behavior. Many of them under such conditions go outside, drive a car and get killed because they are literally unable to control own actions or make the smart decisions.
Don’t get into the private rooms with any male partner because they construe it as your readiness to have a sex. You can talk as much as you want in the public space too.
Please, if you want to protect your daughters from the sexual assaults, teach them those basic defensive techniques and principles.
The difference between you and Cavanaugh's accuser is you can remember what happened she can't
1
@Vernon, you missed the story...she remembered it all right, through therapy sessions, where painful details emerged. Please read her account...or wait till thur when you ca hear it yourself.
1
I've been married for over 40 years and yet only this week did I mention to my husband that the same thing that happened to Christine Ford had happened to me as well. Do I remember where I was? No Do I remember his name? only first name. I saw him on campus later that week and we exchanged "hi". I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. 50 years later it occurred to me that he should be the one feeling that way and maybe he did. I feel lucky that I got away and I'm so sorry that you did not.
6
#METOO again
1
THANK YOU for speaking out. I had been hoping, praying that a famous person, a celebrity would speak out now at this important time. In our society it is celebrities who are most heard, and so I hope that this piece (and hopefully more like it) has impact. Sexual assault is a horrible crime that causes lasting, irreparable harm to its victim. Men who assault are too often never punished. It is not acceptable to treat female humans as objects to be used. Unacceptable.
Now, where are the celebrity men saying the behavior of Kavanaugh is not forgivable, is not acceptable and won't be tolerated in someone attempting appointment to supposedly the most ethical position of power (lasting power!) in our nation? Men assault women & girls and boys too. Men should not stay silent on this issue- it is also your problem, is it not? Society suffers, and gravely. Many people suffer after being assaulted in ways that are lasting & deeply impactful. They never reach their potential. I know because I am one of them.
The wounds never fully heal. It is far past time to make it clear that it is never acceptable to assault, and the crimes of youth are no more excusable for when they occur. Do we want young men to understand through Kavanaugh's example that assault is forgivable, unimportant just because they are young? No!
2
‘On New Year’s Eve, just a few months after we first started dating, he raped me.’, she writes. ‘Dating’ leads to ‘intimacy’ and ‘intimacy’ necessitates into desire for fulfillment of sex between the two adults. How does the experience of sex during dating becomes ‘RAPE’ after years of keeping that memory in secrecy? This humiliates me as a sex partner in dating.
Did you read the story? Here’s a hint- even if you are in a relationship, you don’t get to forcefully have sex with a sleeping partner against their will, who has already expressed that they are not ready to have sex for the first time. I’m concerned for your relationships if you don’t get that.
4
@Mohammad Azeemullah
It shouldn’t humiliate you unless you ignored your partners wishes. Wanting to be intimate is fine. It is not ok to force intimacy on someone who is not ready or doesn’t feel the same way you do. There is nothing wrong with having desire for someone even if they don’t feel the same way. You are allowed to have your own feelings. What is not allowed is to act like you have the right to force someone to comply with your feelings. What is not right is to ACT like you own another person’s body and have the right to have sexual relations with a date, because you think your feelings are too important to care about the other person. That is sexual assault or rape. Your feelings belong only to you, and they don’t give you power over someone else.
You are mixing the two feelings of desire and humiliation together that don’t belong together. And again, you are responsible for your own feelings. Your date is not responsible and should be treated with respect and compassion at all times.
4
This situation was clearly neither consensual nor between two adults. It would behoove you to reread the article.
4
Thank you Padma for your bravery and sharing your story! Also to the other Braves ones sharing their comments. I pray you continue to find the most effective peace and healing.
As a young girl of 12, my brother inappropriately touched me. It "playfully" happened in front of another family member, however, I could never shake how ashamed, disgusting and dirty it still makes me feel, even 30 years later. I would recently come to be aware of similar concerns an aunt brought up then concerning a younger cousin.
Other family present only barely acknowledged it happened until ten years go when I brought it up. Still, I was made to feel like it wasn't a big deal. For many years after the incident I was very depressed, had very low self-esteem and could not enjoy sexual pleasure.
Fast forward to four years ago, I was raped by a man I was engaged to marry. During one of our first sexual encounters he continued after I repeated the previously agreed "safe word" over and over. On two other occasions I awakened to him forcing his fingers inside me. When I protested he used even more force.
Counseling has helped me a great deal in coping with these experiences that continue to haunt me.
We are survivors.
3
You are remarkably brave, totally believable and you shine a light on those whose people in the dark regarding their believe that the time frame of reporting the outrage of a sexual assault needs to be linear in order to be valid.
The patriarchal tone around the world will continue to exist but collective agreement that masoginistic behavior will no longer go quietly into the night will at least give brave women like you a shoulder to lean on.
3
Thank you for speaking out. Our silence has allowed men to behave like animals.
Never again can we remain silent.
4
I have often thought about the college acquaintance who came in one night and told a group of us she was raped by her date, a football player. We consoled her, asked her how she was doing but not one of us suggested she go to the police, the RA, university health services or anyone who could help her. It just wasn’t heard of. I wish I could reach out to her now and apologize because I now know one thing for sure. She has never forgotten that night.
17
only when we fight back from the moment it begins, when the first line is crossed, will we be heard, and ultimately believed. the collective chorus (and the evidence) will be too much to ignore.
2
Thank you for your bravery in coming forward with your story.
5
I am sorry for Ms. Lakshmi's experience. I applaud her courage.
I am a guy who was molested by my aunt for years when I was a small child. I hope METOO encourages more male victims to come forward. Thus far, understandably, METOO has been presented and seen as a women's movement. Male victims who have come forward--when their attackers are female--have been treated dismissively and derisively. 2 such instances are those of Asia Argento's much younger male actor colleague who she directed in a film and then had an abusive sexual relationship with when he was still underage. Then there's thee female NYU professor who had a coerced sexual relationship with her male advisee who has been a victim of attacks by her female colleagues.
I hope METOO does not lose much of its well-deserved moral authority by turning its back on male victims ( boys are over 1/3 of child victims, and females make up over 40% of their attackers), and by averting its eyes from female attackers.
22
Thank you for sharing your story. I recently shared mine with my 15 year old daughter...her 17 year old sister heard it two years ago. It was only 3.5 years ago that I was really able to speak about it, 34 years after.
I was raped on my 16th birthday on a bathroom floor by a 23 year old. He served me Coca Cola that tasted funny (we were on a class trip in Austria), I mentioned the taste, he said it was just European style. I went to the bathroom and when I emerged he was there, took me back in, ignored my protest of no over and over, kept calling me beautiful, pinned me to the floor and raped me. I buried it. I told no one. It haunted me for 34 years. It affected every aspect of my life in ways I never realized. When I started to unravel about 5 years ago I eventually destroyed my marriage and self destructed so perfectly that I almost lost my children. I finally met the right therapist (he calls himself my sparring partner) and worked through my shame, anger, and hurt. He also helped me reclaim the word “beautiful”, a word I refused to use after that incident. I believe I unraveled as my fear for my daughters grew the closer they got to 16. I didn’t want them to experience anything like I did. I also didn’t want to frighten them about sex. The stress of trying to figure that out with my rape still alive and kicking in me was debilitating. I am recovering now, and I hope that by sharing my story I, like you, can help victims recover and keep others safe.
34
If you really want to make amends for your silence name the man who you say raped you.
4
@dbl06
First, let me add my thanks to Padma Lakshmi for bravely speaking out on a painful subject.
I want to reply to the several people who comment that she needs to name the person and especially those who think she needs to "make amends" for her earlier silence by naming the person.
It's her story -- she does not have to name the person for this story to be credible, or somehow try to bring that person to justice.
Her purpose, as she states toward the end (along with Patty Davis, Alyssa Milano and others) is to explain why she buried the memory and did not report at the time. Failing to report (or waiting until much later) does not diminish what happened. We have an emotionally tone-deaf man in the White House who would have us believe otherwise and blame the victim. Time for that to stop.
6
I do not fault her for not speaking out earlier and I understand burying the memory. It makes her no less credible. But what if as in the case of Bill Cosby it happened to multiple women and it could happen again. She needs to name the man so some other woman doesn't suffer the same fate.@Marilyn Pineda
I’m sorry that happened to you.
1
I was rapped at the age of 7 by 2 cousins :( sadly at the foot of my great grandmothers bed. Yes, she was in it and did nothing to protect me and it continued till I was 11. Rape was not talked about and yes if spoke of it you were cast away :( 1 has 4 girls of his own ! He never helped in any changing of them :) he is affraid of his DEMONS and really should fear GOD the other is a minister ( wouldn't want to be in or around his church) also has children :( No remorse for taking my inasence or my life ........ Everyday is a struggle for me and I believe anyone that could hurt anyone in that fashion or know of it and doesn't help or do your best to protect the victim shouldn't breathe the same air as we do ,!!! Nor should they be on the up side of the grass ,..... 40yrs later still the struggle is REAL
7
I believe her. She has detail. She has passion. She has no motive to lie. This is a genuine, 100%, real #metoo moment, unlike a 36 year old, uncorroborated allegation of an over the clothes breast grope, at a date, time, and place unknown. Americans are wise enough to sift the wheat from the chaff.
1
So you’ve heard Ford’s testimony already?
7
Thank you for doing this. I'm from México, and for me, this is refreshing. Here, we don't talk about sex, let alone "rape". I wasn't rape, but one day, when I was walking to the bus stop in the morning, an old men aproached me, I said "good morning" and kept walking. He followed me. I was cornered by him. He starting to walk towards me, I wanted to scream, but I couldn't, I choked. He touched me on my vagina, he grabbed my breast. I was alone, on a dark street and so scared. I was paralized... I don't know how but I managed to react, I screamed and run, and run, and kept running. I was "safe", I began to cry, I still do. Thank you, for showing me that I'm not alone, that I'm not the only girl or women who didn't speak up then because she was scared, and felt guilty.
20
Name him!!!! Why didn't you name him? Name him!!!!
6
@Susan McDavid
I was thinking that too!
Like come on people, it is time!
Thank you so much Ms. Lakshmi for sharing your story, it must have been painful, particularly in your family to share and talk about rape. Is extremely difficult to read between the lines, is extremely dangerous to assume the other person is “indirectly” wanting or sending messages of consent. Unfortunately, men are basically thinking with their penises, with the hormones of youth. Our society teaches “boys should be boys” Our young men are taught to be macho and to take control. Many people in our society judge women harshly, though will be more lenient with men.
2
Thank You to brilliant beautiful Padma for sharing this and helping the rest of us realize we aren’t alone. It happened to me twice and both times I had put myself in a situation that made me think I had no right to complain because I had used poor judgement. The fact remained
however that choice was taken away from me and both men were
forceful and hurtful and I let them get away with it and never spoke of it from some inner guilt and shame. If the Republican men of the Senate handle this hearing as the perfunctory sham they seem to
be planning, women everywhere who are reliving these old assaults
will know just how callous and corrupt our government has become.
2
Why would your parents allow you to date a 23 y/o man? Why did you feel it OK to date him? You were sixteen.
4
@Margo Channing
Here, let me help you. Why did a 23 year old man feel okay dating an underage girl? She was a kid. The adults—including this man—were responsible for keeping her safe, not the other way around.
11
How awful that this happened to you, Ms. Lakshmi. Sometimes, I am ashamed of my gender.
I am so sorry.
3
I echo this sentiment and ask that all those making demands on victims or being "supportive" in this case as a way of excusing Kavanaugh to stop and listen to the women and men who have been assaulted. The pattern of being shut down and shamed is obvious. Ask more of men and less of victims.
3
The most relevant question in my mind is, after this horrible incident took place, did you continue to date this evil man? Or, since you did not report it to the police, did you at least refuse to see him again?
2
@David Ricardo
THAT’S the most relevant question for you—whether she continued dating him?? Victims of sexual assault often blame themselves for what happened and continue interacting with their abusers for years. Have you asked any alter boys why they continued going to church?? You seem to have no understanding of how trauma works.
10
When I was sixteen years old my life was totally destroyed by a psychiatrist who tried to cure me of my homosexuality. He drove me insane. I have published this story in a book but no one has published a review of my book. How can I start a me too movement for victims of homophobic psychiatrists?
4
Thanks for sharing. But why not name the rapist? What if he runs for office or judicial post? Will you name him then? There is no reason to delay his outing.
3
Women have been taught that having sex at a young age was shameful for them and they should control themselves. After all they brought it on themselves, somehow. Girls and teenagers are not taught how sexual tensions arise in young men. It could be drinking or, the old “No means Yes” routine.
There is not only the shame associated with having been molested but the horror of possibly being pregnant and having your shame exposed to the world. Females are frequently treated as prey.
2
Thank you for sharing your experience, Ms. Lakshmi. Though of us who have suffered sexual molestation or any type of abuse need to know that it is ok for us to talk and that we'll genuinely be heard. Your experience is somewhat similar to my own where after having my genitals touched by a teenager when I was 4 years old, I told my mother right away only to be told: "Oh, don't worry, he just wanted to "cop" a feel. Three years later when my step-grandfather touched me, I told no one. And so abuse of different sorts continued...To this day I continue to have issues of trust and intimacy. It is so very damaging even after years of therapy.
Your story is tragic and sad and like everyone reading it, I am sorry for your experience.
I told my son when he began to date that he was never to attempt intimacy with a girl who did not want it. No was no and final. Today he is a school teacher and coaches girls basketball. He is married and has a beautiful little girl. His players love him and the coaches in the program respect him. He is handsome (yes I’m biased) and in today’s environment he has much to lose (high school crushes are common) if he is ever accused of misconduct by a player. In the past he might ask a player to babysit when he and his wife would go out for dinner and then drive the sitter home.
No more, and he is careful never to be alone with a player under any circumstance.
Our political leaders have left Americans with a Sofies Choice dilemma. We should always take accusations of rape seriously but we as a society have much to lose if guilt without proof is to be the new standard or if it is now incumbent on the accuser to prove his innocence first.
What is coming from the mouths of many Democrats is frightening and the implications unthinkable.
More than anything else our society must empower women to come forward in a timely way without feeling shame or guilt. You have clearly done so with your daughter as my wife and I did with ours. And everyone including men and women deserve justice and their day in court.
1
Thanks for sharing, sorry for that experience.
I was called to jury duty once on a case of sexual assault alleging a women's boyfriend was caught assaulting her teenage daughter. There were about 40 or 50 of us in a court room being evaluated for this particular jury. While the defendant and his lawyer faced all of us in the galley his lawyer said "raise your hands if you know of any acquaintance or someone close to you that has ever been sexually assaulted" 95% of us raised our hands and I remember almost passing out! I was prob in my 30's at the time.
I still remember the name of the kid that tried to snatch me behind the school at recess in the 5th grade. If not for me being extremely taller than him(fighting him off) and a recess monitor that was accounting for all us kids it could of turned out really bad.
@Padma I've watched you on Top chef for a while and hv always been a fan. You wearing that scar on your I believe right arm being a model and not masking it has always let me revel in beaming my light! #Namaste
3
Thank you Padma for your profound words of wisdom.
1
So all rape accusations are true and all men are guilty? Using rape for political purposes cheapens the trauma felt by real victims. There is a difference between Cosby and Judge Kavanaugh.
4
Cleo,
So you assume revealing one’s sexual assault in this age of high-testosterone politics is always for the sake of political gain, and that women don’t know what constitutes assault or rape? Get to know a few women—they’re intelligent and highly interesting people. You might even learn something from them!
1
@cleo. Yes, but for the President and the Rebulicans to wade into this, and to come to judgement before this woman is even heard? Read these letters about how common such an incident really is, as is decades long silence after. Perhaps the Republicans should just shut up and listen.
4
@cleo
I bet if Bill Cosby was up for a Supreme Court seat, you’d feel differently. Or maybe you wouldn’t. Hard to say these days.
1
So why isn't Ms. Lakshmi naming her rapist? How many other women has he raped? Has she gone to the police and attemped to file charges. This is a far more serious crime than Kavanaugh is accused of.
4
Padma. me too.
1
I was 17 when my date tried to date rape me. He was a college man studying to be a lawyer. I am 65 now. I keep asking myself, if he were to run for office, what would I do?
I would do nothing, because I chose to date him for some time afterward, and I would be ripped to shreds. I still remember that night as traumatic. And he only stopped because I was menstruating. But I learned to take the upper hand after that. I learned a lot that night. And I learned about the term "jailbait."
3
Telling your story is a very good thing. Thanks for your bravery. We men are listening nervously behind the barricades, looking in our high-school mirror. I hope however that you will go back and reread Dr. Ford's original letter with cold eyes. It carefully does not allege attempted rape as your article does. That interpretive leap is understandable given your traumatic incident. Not excusable is the same extrapolation by journalists and bloggers who dice their words for clicks. I hope you will not permit your pain to justify assuming the worst of my gender nor this judicial candidate in particular. For me I will not be so quick to join the hoards intent on criminalizing someone I have never met. He is not the bum who hurt you.
3
Thank you, so much, for sharing the truth of your experience and for speaking out when you were not obliged to, Padma. Like you, I was a victim of repeated sex crime in my 80s childhood and I didn't go to the police for more than 20 years. I would never have done so, except that one my assailant's other victims came forward publicly. The assailant was famous, (in a local, Australian kind of way) and a well-loved celebrity. My word would have mean nothing against his in the 1980s and it only carried weight in the 2010s because there were several complainants. Despite vociferous public criticism of our silence as children, and allegations that we were all fabulists, our assailant was found guilty on ten out of eleven charges. He is now serving a prison sentence of more than 10 years. The current discussions about Kavanaugh make me despair a little. As a global ociety, we seem forced to re-learn the lessons about sex crime from scratch with each new case. The same stupid questions are asked over and over (why didn't you complain at the time? was it really so bad? aren't you just confused? aren't you just seeking attention or fame?) More than anything, these questions indicate to me that our society clings to its denials of violence against women and children. Ignorance alone cannot explain such an obtuse response. To quote an old proverb, "You can't wake the person pretending to be asleep."
6
I think this whole issue is highlighting the fact that many many women have been raped by boyfriends, husbands,brothers and othr male family members and have been too frightened inthe past to report it.I worked in the Police force in the uk in the mid 60's and the general belief by the men was that there was no such thing as rape because women could scream or run. Such men have no idea how terrifying an act of violence to penetrate anothers' body without consent can be and even more so when it is someone you know and thought you could trust. As a female officer I was present at several rape interviews and the girls/ women were grilled and intimidated by threats of what they would have to be questioned in court effectvely frightening many from pursuing their complaint further because of fear of humiliation and embarrasment in an age when sex was still a very private matter andnot up for discussion as it is today.
5
Thank you so much for sharing this.
Consider that there are adults, men and women, with more information about Kavanaugh who are afraid to go public with their knowledge. It is about power (as is rape) and, increasingly, about threats and abuse. Yet the GOP forges ahead. Death threats to witnesses, damage to careers, to a witness' family are swept under the rug. And people wonder why women don't report sexual assault.
What so many people, especially men, will never understand, conceptualize, nor realize is that when a women is assaulted, especially sexual assaulted, that trauma and pain is felt on many levels, physically as well as emotionally, and it never completely disappears because the scars will always remain.
As the ramifications of the physical abuse gradually heals, the emotional pain just begins to take hold. While the fear, the guilt, and the shame that is internalized can be paralyzing, the haunting pain I never got over was the doubt those who I trusted the most had of me and of the attack. The single, most crushing sentence my older sister said to me was “Why would any man rape you? You’re not pretty and are overweight”. I was in high school then and to this day, I’ve never had a conversation about this horror of horrors with my husband or anyone because I simply could not bear to repeat that terrible night nor take a chance of someone doubting me. I keep asking myself which pain is greater – keeping this attack to myself and locked up in my memory or submitting this comment in the first place. The one good thing I am grateful for is that my husband never reads the NYT (as much as I love and adore him, sadly he’s a Fox News guy) so he will never know about comment.
Thank you Ms. Lakshmi for writing this much needed article. I found great comfort and strength in your courage.
14
Padma, hearing you talk about this and what’s been going on recently has got me thinking back to an experience I had when I was 25 years old. I was date raped and I did not report it. There are many complicated reasons why people don’t report. Me included. For a man to say they don’t understand why women would not report it is because they are not the usual victims. Being victimized in that way is something you never forget. I remember every detail. It really feels good to say this. It’s the first time I’ve ever said it to anyone and it feels good. If my abuser ended up running for an important office you better believe I’d come forward. My abuser is dead now and was a rotten person to the end. And nobody gets justice better than God. I am vindicated.
3
I am impressed by how you are teaching your young daughter to stand up for herself. I wish I had done the same. Of course, I told her not to let anyone touch her private parts but not at a young enough age. I found out 30 years later that she had been molested at age 4 and a half. It had never occurred to me that someone would think of a child that young as a sexual being. I feel incredibly guilty that I did not protect her and will have to live with that for the rest of my life. She has to live with problems caused by that trauma which affected her whole life.
Now we are more aware that there are some very sick individuals out there! If you have children, teach them at an EARLY age to yell and run away if someone touches them inappropriately.
2
I truly respect the courage of Ms. Lakshmi to discuss the terrible assault she experienced as a teenager and I understand why she and so many other women fail to report this type of attack. What I don't understand is why people need women to keep coming forward to tell their stories when we know that throughout American history rape of women has been common practice of powerful men, particularly white men. Stop blaming misogyny on black men. Widespread rape has it's origins in the institution of slavery in America. Even liberals are in denial as to the genesis of widespread rape in this country. And it all comes down to the fact that whites in this country don't respect black people, particularly black women. If people like Ms. Lakshmi want to come forward and tell their stories, I suppose that is fine. If we accept all the wrongness of our history and accept that openly, I believe we can then move forward and that knowledge will encourage women to immediately face their attacker. Men will then get the message. Until this happens we will always be enthralled by these individual cases which only marginally help society get to the root of the problem.
Thank you for sharing your painful experience with us, Ms. Lakshmi. I understand exactly what you have gone through, and the sense of isolation you have felt. It never goes away, and just when you think you have dealt with it and it no longer bothers you, it shows its ugly head. But you should feel liberated.
to the reader who wrote that the NYT seems to be looking for a group of women who did not report to make a case against kavanough: this group of people (there are men too) is not hard to find as it is the majority. most do not report. they feel ashamed and reporting or even telling a friend is like another trauma. talking from experience...
2
When you think about it, sexual abuse is really just another form of violence. Of course, there are many other forms--murder, for instance.
And if you were asked to rate them, say by order of occurrence, I suppose sexual abuse would end up right at the top. On the other hand, it's the hardest by far to prove, as well as the most difficult to prosecute.
—
Uncovering, punishing and preventing most crimes is rarely fun for anyone. But sorting out sex crimes is by far the most difficult, as well as the most distasteful--for police, prosecutors, judges and juries alike. Not to mention the victims themselves, along with the "perpetrators," who are invariably the “love-interests," of the victims!
—
So what does this mean? That under most circumstances, *no-one* wants anything to do with sex crimes. In fact, all but the most horrific ones are “solved,” by simply covering them up!
—
End of story? You finish it.
You are very brave and noble to disclose this horrific account. Just spoke with my 15yrold daughter about it and how to navigate the world of relationships. I have a number of girls so it is a concern for us parents but as a victim of child sexual abuse I know that what happens to you doesn’t define who you are it deepens your knowledge of human frailty. Thanks and take care.
4
it is not hard to understand why a woman or a man might not want to talk about, or may perhaps even repress or deny sexual assault...ms Lakshmi however has her rapist, its day time and its place.
that ms ford does not is also not hard to understand, memory does not always serve...she does not have, or not disclosed, her date, time or place...and even her patron, sen feinstein says she does not "know what's true"...but, of course, for the senator, neither ms ford's well being nor the truth is the issue.
as for "paying the price for the rest of her life," no matter the outcome of the hearing (it should have been handled by a deposition) the accused will certainly pay for the rest of his life and even the most vengeful might have some trouble with having his wife and children, who were not part of any of whatever this is, pay the same price.
they might have been spared if the alleged democrats (who keep disappointing this one) had brought their information forward and warned the republicans of the possibilities if they went ahead with the nomination.
but then, absent substance, the force is in the furor.
take a look at the film "the best man" for PRE-convention threats to "out" sexual and mental health issues for both candidates... time magazine said the 1964 film was "ruthless...in dissecting the amoral machinations employed in virtually any national political endeavor."
shades of the the good old HUAC days when "commie" was all it took to get the job done.
Sexual abuse is a theft of power, stolen to compensate for the abuser's insecurity, and that theft leaves the victim damaged for decades which I know because I have lived it. Both my parents had also been victims of sexual abuse. The cost is also borne by children and husbands of sexual abuse victims as their mother or wife struggles through life with a huge part of her Being used up just to cope with her damaged and mutilated sense of self. Stealing power from another person to prop your ego is the act of a very weak, damaged, disrespectful and insecure person. And the world is full of men fitting that description who act aggressively to fool themselves and the world.
3
What men, especially younger men, don’t seem to understand is the difference between having sex and making love. This may seem so elementary it doesn’t require explanation. But it does.
Having sex is an act of taking, of domination, and yeah, release. Making love is profoundly different because it is a mutual act of complete taking and domination and complete giving and submission. By both partners. One gives and submits completely out of love and selflessness for one’s lover. One takes and dominates out of unabashed selfishness and, frankly, out of pure astonishment for the person who loves you so deeply they are willing to take so totally and give so completely. Why women seem to understand this better than men is a mystery to me. But men and women who have truly made love know how profound it is—how it invokes the whole metaphorical heart and the deepest mysteries of the soul to turn sex into the ultimate selfless and selfish act all at the same time. And, to use the term loosely, the payoff is so existentially beautiful it defies definition or explanation.
Rape, nonconsensual sex, sexual harassment have nothing to do with any of this. They are sick, misogynistic, and perhaps misanthropic as well.
2
I was raped by a teacher in a cloakroom at 12.
I am still suicidal. If males are raped, then they are not really male.
I do not really want to be here. I wish I was dead. Wishing is not a crime. Interventions do not work. People who think that the past can be made to be "better" have no idea what rape is.
I hate American culture. Even if this sounds uncivil to the New York Times, it doesn't exactly negate being raped.
Rape has consequences.
I have written about this many times. I have aimed all of this at NYT comments. Nothing more. The symbolism of how this kind of denial -- they refuse to publish any of it -- is embraced by Americans and goes directly to what we consider as civil and uncivil. I have written about rape. Therefore, I am uncivilized. American media is complicit.
The rejection of disclosure is emblematic of how American culture sees rape. One in six males will be abused. We are all supposed to shut up about it. Or we are reduced to the caricature of the lowly female. Among men, women are laughed at. The NOT ME movement that exists only as a tacit agreement among men entrenched in the fantasy none of this means them, reduces females even further when males are, in fact, reacting to what they think of as receptive. They put up a good front. But I know how they talk together.
After being raped, I became extremely promiscuous. If they wanted me to be a woman, they got one.
I started doing sex work at 15.
I hate sex. I hate rape. And I hate men.
2
This article is a bit disingenuous, because Brett Kavanaugh, though accused of sexual impropriety, has not raped anyone; the article seems to imply that he has --- it inflates the severity of his actions and links them with her having been raped. This kind of subtle smear happens all the time in the media these days --- and half the country seems to have no problem with this type of elasticity of truth.
I'm sorry she was raped. I'm sorry she had no one to talk to, really. I used to think that the secrecy in which I held my early sexual experiences, both good and bad, implied that I was lacking somehow -- that I had no close friends in whom I could share my feelings about sex. Now I see many women were isolated when it came to talking about sexual life. Maybe if we all could have been more open about our experiences, there wouldn't have been so much misunderstanding about desire and what people actually want, or don't want, in terms of sexual experience.
1
MAGA is a clarion call for "the good old days" when women suffered in silence and men could act like boys and be excused and even respected for their transgressions.
4
Yeah, #MeToo. I was told "IF it happened, you brought it on yourself." From the age of 8 to 19, my mother's husband did whatever he felt like, WHENEVER he felt like it. Along the way, school officials found out, family members found out, and I thought I was finally going to be rescued. I don't HOW my mother convinced them otherwise, but EVERYONE went silent. I was 15 then. By this time, he felt free to molest, because he was right when he told me no one would believe me. Fast forward 30+ years, I still have to face this individual if I want to participate in family gatherings. I have to cringe and cry in silence if I want to see my nieces and nephews and siblings. When I get tired of "pretending," I am shunned for not wanting to spend time with my family. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS OR CARES WHY I STAY AWAY. I'm 50 years old now with my own grandchildren, yet I still feel like that lost neglected child, who brought this on herself.
Parma, bless you for sharing.
7
Thank you for your voice Padma. It’s the story I never told.
2
I find it telling that all of Kavanaugh's accusers were in the company of other people, who at that time didn't think the behavior was significant enough to mention it afterwards to any adults or authorities.
By the time kids are 17, they know a lot of stuff, such as
1. Some things are just plain wrong, like stealing. If you steal, you'll be embarrassed when your mother makes you go back in the 7-Eleven and pay for the roll of Smarties you boosted.
2. There are rules for almost everything. Take basketball. You better know the rules and follow them or you'll lose.You'll be a loser, maybe even an Evil Loser, just like a suicide bomber.
3. You have to respect some people. You respect the coach. You respect your parents, maybe. You respect your teammates because if you don't, they won't make you captain of the basketball team.
These days I hear from many sources that teen-age boys can't be held responsible for hurting teen-age girls “because they’re too young to know that they're doing anything wrong;” "because they were only teasing;" "because girls can't take a joke.”
So, I wonder how boys have come to these conclusions. If they've learned that stealing is wrong, that basketball has rules, and that you respect some people, how did they miss the part about how to treat girls?
Even if they are young, why don't boys know how they're acting? Who didn’t clue them in about how to treat girls?
Who didn’t tell them what “teasing” means?
Who didn’t talk about what’s a joke and what’s not a joke?
Who is falling down on the job of showing boys what a decent man looks like?
Taking responsibility for supplying information is a dirty job, but someone’s gotta do it.
5
I believe what happened to you but there have been many false accusations like Duke Lacrosse,UVA,matress girl who ruined young men who were completely innocent.So. each case has to be judged individually not as social justice.And the 1 in 4 is an out right lie about rapes in campus.We have to teach young girls to tell if any man touches them but false accusations hurt people who have been raped.
3
How did we, as a society stoop so low ?
We have ignored the crimes of religious organizations, swept aside the report on the pedophile who was the Speaker of the House, elected predators to the highest office, allowed our sisters & mothers to be treated with utter disrespect.
Our moral fiber is frayed,if non existent.
Little wonder that our children are confused about what is the right thing to do. Shame !
3
@Mahesh, its not our nation alone. Even one of the world's oldest epic mahabharata describes draupadi's vastraharana.
"One of the most searing moments in our mythology has to be the vastraharana, the disrobing of Draupadi in the Kaurava court. Even before Duhshasana starts to tear off her clothes, she has been manhandled, dragged into court in a blood-stained garment, pulled by her hair and insulted by Duryodhana and Karna. All this while the elders of her family watch in stupefied silence. Her emasculated husbands mutter and rumble in anger, but none of them can lift a finger to help her, bound as they are by dharma, the dharma of their new status as slaves."
2
@Petey Tonei
You are spot on !
As Billy Joel said " We didn't start the fire, it was always burning "
@Mahesh, it is also another epic Ramayana where the purest of the pure Sita has to prove her own purity and is doubted by her own husband and banished from his kingdom while pregnant and carrying his twin sons.
From ancient times, the burden of proof lies on the woman.
unfortunately, this dysfunction is largely due to our Puritan attitudes toward sex and our bodies and reinforced by religion.
3
I would like people to stop saying women cannot remember their attackers. Women overwhelmingly remember who the assailant is. No matter how much time has passed. This is the case because the majority of rapes/sexual assaults are committed by males already known to their victims as members of their social circles. In fact, that’s why these men have the opportunity to corner the victim in the first place - without initial suspicion. Violence happens after trapping the victim in a location controlled by the assailant, for achieving submission. By the way, this happens to some men as well.
Also, as we never forget the key facts of our first sexual intecourse, a rape is the most horrendously remarkable memory that keeps rearing it’s ugly head - key facts are there, particularly with familiarity with the assailant.
Women keep silent because they fear retribution and being further cast away, as the assailant normally runs in the same circles. Also, to be perceived as ‘demaged goods’ or ultimately blameworthy by family and society. It is a lot to bear. Silence is more common then.
Padma, thank you so very much for bringing light to this difficult conversation.
4
When I was 16 years old, I started dating a guy I met at the Puente Hills Mall in a Los Angeles suburb. I worked there after school at the accessories counter at Robinsons-May. He worked at a high-end men’s store. He would come in wearing a gray silk suit and flirt with me. He was in college, and I thought he was charming and handsome. He was 23.
again me too situation i think women in any part of world is not safe this is the world of man only nothing for females so sad for you
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A very thoughtful and courageous piece and thank you for sharing your experience. I pray that sharing and writing about it has given you some small measure of peace.
And shame on the New York Times! I am reading an intense and thoughtful piece about someone being date raped, and an ad for Murphy Brown and Verizon pop up in the middle of my screen. Please show some discretion with you advertisements. I just felt that was really in poor taste and showed no sensitivity or jusdgement what so ever.
Whether it's a Trump, a Cosby, a Kavanaugh or your uncle, babysitter, religious leader, teacher, coach, boyfriend or husband, any sexual advances by either gender, is wrong.....underage or adult. If you're of age and you say no, the aggressor is wrong. If underage, ANY advance is wrong.
So what do men not understand ?..or for that matter, in a number of celebrated cases, do women not understand?
The old boys clubs are still alive and kicking. Sad......just saying.
What happened to the bad old days when convicted, the rape was akin to murder? The rapist was flogged.....Bleeding heart psychologists, psychiatrists and social workers convinced legislators to 'lighten up' on the punishment.
It's supposed to be a 'new age', except with the same bad behaviour.
Thank you for this powerful article. It brought up in me strong feelings of anger and sadness because of a similar incident that happened to me fifty years ago. I never told anyone. I never reported the incident to the police. I never confronted the young man, although I would today if I remembered his last name, and if he were still alive.
Thank you, again, for sharing something so difficult and painful, but an event that has been the experience of, I would say, the majority of women.
3
How brave. Thank you for sharing so that we all begin to understand more every day. It breaks my heart that you and others have to speak to children so that they understand these lessons.
4
I do not understand why no one has mentioned that It was the right thing to do, to wait until Kavanaugh was indeed the selected person to be nominated for the Court. Imagine the outcry if all the allegations came out before he was the final nominee? His name would have been besmirched unnecessarily.
So stop being critical of the timing, it was quite proper and done with care.
Having said this. I believe the women and He should never be a lifelong member of the Supreme Court. In fact, if possible he should be removed from all positions as a Judge.
5
As always, I hear these stories, believe them completely, and think "why not say the name of the abuser; why continue to protect him." I wonder if the fear is still that strong.
4
Imagine the outcry - so many men's lives "ruined" by baseless accusations.
1
Such a powerful recounting of what happened to you. Your story puts in prospective how weighted our society is for men. We all need to understand exactly what you are teaching your daughter. We need to teach our sons the same lessons. No one should touch them nor should they touch others. This is just a lesson on how to be a person. Thanks so much for sharing this. I hope letting it out helps you somehow in your journey to recover and understand.
You helped me understand more so thanks. I will continue to spread the word.
9
The pervasiveness of rape in our society is worse than we realize, partly b/c coming to terms with a sexual assault means overcoming the denial involved which in my experience has lasted since 2003 up until right now.
I was sexually assaulted by a close friend years ago during a sleepover at his grandparents house. He got me very drunk on hard liquor we stole from his grandpa (it was my first time drinking), and I blacked out. I still have flashes of him behind in me in the shower, but that's really all there is. No details. Still, I know now as an adult, and have been too harmed to admit, what I know really happened. I woke up in different underwear, vomiting in trash can while my 'friend' fed me bread to soak up the alcohol. Looking back I realize he didn't want his grandparents to come downstairs to find out we had been drinking. This is the first time I have ever revealed this incident to anyone, ever in my lifetime. I too would testify in front of the United States Senate about my experience. No political backlash could disprove what I know really happened that night.
We should be careful about politicizing sexual assault and dismissing it as a 'Democratic con-game.' Perhaps we think rape in our culture is not as prevalent as in other societies, but the fact of the matter is that so many people like me, like Padma, like other survivors of sexual assault simply want to forget it ever happened, rather than relive the trauma, especially publicly.
17
Thank you Ms.Lakshmi for sharing.Your willingness to share contributes to chipping away at toxic complacency about, and complicity with, an anchored WE-THEY culture which enables daily violating. Of selected and targeted "the other(s)." Your sharing is an invitation for all of US to do whatever is necessary to remove the potent, infectious defenses of willful blindness. To harmings to people, values and norms. By a diverse many. Ordinary folk. Harms which never should be. But are. And surely will continue if there are no sharings such as yours. As caveats. As reminders. Willful deafness to the ongoing expressed pains of so many. Seen and hidden people.Physical pains. Psychological ones. Social. Spiritual. Economic. And more types transmuted into brutal as well as subtle marginalization. Dehumanization. Objectivication. Stigmatization. The deafness to pains now muted by those too exhausted to voice their needs.And the boundaryless of willful ignorance of what is that is ummenschlich. And what can actually be done, by each of us, individually and with others. For needed changes to become a viable reality. In an era of alt-facts. In a toxic culture of personal unaccountability. At all levels of policymaking. Education. Delivery of care. One of the unexpected outcomes of the "metoo" process and movement is its focusing primarily on sexual abuse.Being groped. Being raped. All "faces" of being VIOLATED. One becomes an object.An UNperson.In so many ways.THEN.Perhaps for life!
2
Around the age of 8 or 9 I was also sexually assaulted by a local teenage boy older than me. It took me at least 6 years to tell another person about this, and at that time I still blamed myself. My wife has also had close calls in the past - being drugged w a roofie in college and being chased down the street by 4 men who has jumped out of a van and wanted to drag her into it for god knows what reason.
Many people have these experiences, and I admire your bravery in writing about it publicly. In the era of #metoo we must continue to stand up for what is right and enforce that sexual assault is wrong, and that it happens more than you think. Until republicans lose power in Washington, the false equivalency of bad people being on “both sides” will continue to exist. I hope that after they do lose power things will continue to change for the better.
10
Thank you, Ms Lakshmi, for your bravery and honesty. I’m stunned by the daily revelations of sexual abuse, assault, rape that are coming into the cultural awareness, and I am grateful for them. I am happily married with two daughters, and the statistic that one in four women are victims of sexual violence means that the women in my life have a high probability of suffering this unthinkable violation, or others of their friends do if they don’t. I have not known anyone who has suffered this tragedy, but there clearly are many, many who do every day and it has to stop. How do we as a society, as families, raise monsters who abuse other human beings. Where is the love? Why is it not the most Important human emotion. Instead we have self-protecting man-children occupying sthe most powerful positions on the planet. How can we expect change as long as stunted half-men are placed in charge of regulating the change of the guard. God help us all.
7
And now, 32 years later, we don't know if this really happened, was a dream, a misunderstanding, a repressed memory or a false memory. And we probably never will.
We do feel sorry for you, whichever it was, as it cant be good to go through life with any of these things.
@Langej I feel sorry for people who need to discount what happened to others in order to make themselves feel a little better.
1
@Langej
Wrong! "We" know exactly what happened, because she told us.
4
A woman may be silent after being raped for so many reasons, one of which is the need to reassert control. Here is this one small thing she may be free to decide. She can exercise the power of denial.
Rape uniquely attacks a woman's core self. It violates her right to choose whom to intimately trust, and potentially whose child to bear. Even where pregnancy is not a possible outcome of rape, this is still an underlying meaning. And pregnancy by a rapist is conscription iof a woman's life and soul against her will. It happens all over the world and throughout history. Rape tells a woman her safety is fragile, her dignity is a fiction, her power is conditional.
Rape is not on a continuum with other forms of physical assault. It's not even the same crime committed against men and boys as against women and girls.
If a society cannot vigilantly condemn and prevent rape, there is no true equality for women, no true freedom, no true civilization.
11
Because of what is now going on with Kavanaugh and just a few days ago, I shared with my husband an event that happened in my past when I was in my 20's,,,one that I shared with no one until yesterday. I am 68 years old. I foolishly went to the apartment with two men the same age as I that I had been friends with for at least two years. No dating, no romance, not even flirting. I won't go into the gory details but suffice it to say, the details of the evening have faded with the exception of the actual "event." I never said anything because I felt foolish that I had actually ever considered these guys real friends and willing and stupidly gone to the apartment of one of them. Periodically, I have remembered this over the years but just kept pushing it back. I thank God that women are speaking out. I also thank God that I married a man who is tremendously supportive of me and all women like me. Thank you, thank you to the many brave women speaking up. More of us need to do so for lasting to change to happen.
19
@Murphy4 Thank you for sharing. It was brave and important for you to do so and I'm so sorry for your experience. I hope you realize that this was not your fault. You continually refer to this as "stupid," but going to a friend's apartment is not stupid--It's a normal thing that normal people do. You have a reasonable expectation to be safe in that situation and those men took advantage of that expectation. After 40+ years, I hope you learn to stop blaming yourself. This was not a stupid mistake committed by you. It was a crime committed by them, plain and simple.
3
Thank you. A brave Ambassador to be sure. May God grant your words the power to protect our children as you wish for.
6
In a world where college harrasment and rape is an enormous problem
Kavanaugh losing his nomination would send a very strong message to young men who binge drink and assault women. Their actions can come back to haunt them and can damage there ambitions.
Trump did not pay a price fpr his deeds - To the contratu if he is nominated we send the same message with Kavanaugh - otherwise nothing will change and young privieleged men will not have any fear of consequences of bad behavior. The youth of today need to know they will not get away with it forever.
7
@JLEB I certainly hope Kavanaugh doesn't get approved; however, I doubt his dismissal would have much of an effect on other sexual predators. Many people in this country don't even follow the news and outside of this country most people will not pay much attention to it if they even hear about it at all. And most abusers are driven by their immediate need for power over someone weaker and won't stop to think "oops, better not do this, I might not advance in my career someday."
What will make a difference is if those who are abused (girls, boys, women, men) report it right away and for their parents, relatives, friends and the authorities to recognize it for what it is and take action against the abusers. This will take time.
Also, don't be lulled into thinking you've done your job as a parent if you've talked to your kid---even on a regular basis---about being touched inappropriately and what to do about it. His or her confusion and fear may still take over. You have to watch for behavior changes too, even small ones. And even that may not be enough.
1
Brave article. I was molested by family member as a very young child. It is very confusing and a person does pay the price the rest of one's life in phobias, mistrust and depression. It is not to be minimized or rationalized in any way. For me it is more peaceful to be solitary. Strange, sad, and for those of you raising children, please protect them and listen to them.
17
I can’t stop crying. I don’t know you, but I have watched you on television and read your biography. I have enjoyed your views on food and life. I am so sorry Padma. Sorry it happened, sorry you have had to endure so much for so long and sorry that it has been a part of you. No one deserves it. Your strength is an inspiration. Thank you for helping everyone who reads your article and is made somehow better for it.
9
Padma,
Thank you so much for coming forward with this. It is such an important message; we cannot put a time limit on divulging assault. For me, there are some experiences that I have been able to come forward with to some people close to me but there are still those that I haven't been able to talk about with everyone. And you just did that. You let everyone see. Thank you for your courage. Love and blessings to you, Celia
7
Thank you so much for bravely sharing your story. I hope every single senator reads this op-ed, it’s essential reading before Thursday. Senate staff members, please make sure your bosses read this, it’s essential for our nation.
11
Its almost punishing to see a story so similar to my own. The years of silence, the guilt - how many times have we turned it over and over in our heads, just to find that it is too painful- only to be put back into the dark recesses of my memory. I understand why you didnt tell. And why you didnt talk about it. And 30 years later i am beginning to sort through my own hesitations and find my own space for kindness and self respect. But what was most powerful to me was the clarity of the message to your daughter. That is tuly the greatest gift. I have fumbled with the words and how to say them to my own sons and daughters - but that is what i am taking away and for that (and your honesty) i am grateful.
9
Thank you for sharing your story! It takes courage. This will help a lot of people.
6
"Some say a man shouldn’t pay a price for an act he committed as a teenager. But the woman pays the price for the rest of her life, and so do the people who love her."
One of the most profound statements I've ever heard on this subject. One that should be at the forefront of tomorrow's hearings and all other cases involving sexual abuse.
I'm so sorry that you had to live with those feelings all these years, Ms Lakshmi, but so glad that you've come forward with this article.
36
Thank you for speaking up. The world Is becoming a better place when we teach our daughters - and our sons too - about expecting to be treated with respect.
8
“Some say a man shouldn’t pay a price for an act he committed as a teenager. But the woman pays the price for the rest of her life, “ Perfect. Brave, honest and needed. Thank you for this.
47
Straight from the heart. You serve us all Ms. Lakshmi. Thank you for telling your story.
24
thank you for sharing your story, you are brave and strong. saving you the details of my "story", there is one important fact i would like to share.
my abuser was mean and abusive and used his "power" to take advantage of me. 50 years later this man is a "successful" and "respected" member of his community ( married with children).
over the years i have fantasied of bringing his life crashing down, as he did mine. the reality of exposing myself to people, being questioned and shamed; well, i have never been able to face that.
i do not think this man is changed from his younger self.
we both live with deep scars within, whether he knows it or not.
34
What more can one say? Courageous as always. One of the marks of all my truest heroes.
17
Yes
Even if Ms. Lakshmi had reported the rape, chances are that it would have entailed more misery for her. I remember how poorly my alma mater, Williams College, handled the rape of a fellow classmate in the 1990s. The local police and hospital handled it even worse. Luckily a classmate was with her at the hospital to insist that she be examined and evidence collected. Yet, months later, the rapist was still at Williams. Those who blame a victim for not reporting her/his rape are either incredibly cynical, protecting themselves in some way, or unwilling to admit that due to shock victims are often unable to act in their own best interests.
45
I am one who doesn't want to see the Supreme Court turn conservative. But I am also a male struggling with his ambivalence in the ongoing Kavanaugh debate, and who has left some room for forgiveness of a 35-year-old act at a young age.
However, there were two quotes in this moving, convincing article that have erased my ambivalence and turned my uncertainty into conviction. Those sentences were: "Our bodies do not exist for their pleasure," and "Some say a man shouldn’t pay a price for an act he committed as a teenager. But the woman pays the price for the rest of her life, and so do the people who love her."
Thank you, Ms. Lakshmi, for helping me with my transformation.
148
Thank you for your bravery and courage!
11
Thank you Padma for being brave and courageous in sharing your story. Keep fighting until equality and justice are served with dignity and integrity. #warrior
11
It takes a lot to admit this even if it is many years after the fact. We can't change the past, but can learn and what you can teach your daughter, or me to my 4 1/2 year old grandson, cannot be underestimated. You have told your truth, no matter how late, and that's what matters.
I've always liked your presence on the screen, and imagine your cooking skills must be great. I salute you. And know that when I next see my pal Jeremiah, I'll ask him about you and tell my story of contacting you. You rock! And you have great courage in spite of the strong cultural pressure you endured. Carry on!
14
Thank you.
5
Thank you.
1
Ms. Lakshmi - thank you for telling your story so eloquently. When I read the title, my first instinctual thought/emotion - other than anger - was, why in the hell do we have to explain ourselves?! Then, as I read your story, and reading other people's comments, I'm feeling a little sick to my stomach, because unfortunately your story is too familiar. Brett Kavanaugh is similar age to me; that means I am very well aware of how teenage boys were in the '80's. "Date rape" was a not really a term for another 4-5 years after what happened to Dr. Ford. It's good that women's voices are finally being heard, but at the same time, the "old guard" still forces us to explain ourselves. Men in power just have to sit back, act remorseful, move on in their careers, and then continue to do the same bad acts. The odds of any of these men facing a penalty are still 1:1,000,000, unfortunately.
Thank you, Ms. Lakshmi, for your bravery.
16
The first time I was 12 and he was my 90 year old guitar teacher. I swore when his hands touched my pre-pubescent breasts that he was too old to have known what he was doing, it must have been a mistake; he was old and well thought of in the community. The second time I was 15 and enjoying a rollerskating party when the hand of an older boy I didn't know grabbed my crotch as my friends & I moved through the packed crowd on our way to the rink. I said nothing, but felt ill the rest of the evening and every time I thought of it for years. The third time I was a 17 year old exchange student when the 'father' of the house passed me in hallway and planted what at first seemed to be an affectionate kiss but quickly ended with his tongue in my mouth and me feeling dirty and anxious for my remaining time under his roof. The fourth and last time I was a thirty year old banquet waitress when an old dishwasher leaned in to try and kiss me. I hauled off and punched him squarely in the chest and he stumbled backwards in utter shock and had the nerve to aske why I would do such a thing. Why indeed. Why did it take me so long? I tell my own 12 year old every day that she will NEVER get in trouble for overreacting to what she may feel is an uncomfortable or dangerous situation. Punch first...bite, kick, scream and TELL, TELL, TELL. We'll apologize later if need be, but likely there won't be any need for apologies. The punches on the other hand...
53
Thank you.
6
Adult women and men do not need report childhood assault because 90% of the time, they know the abuser.
That means there’s a high likelihood their lives will continue to overlap, especially if it is a family member.
Think about that.
Imagine if someone stabbed you in the arm, that was a family member or close family friend, and you had to let it go. Out of fear. Out of confusion. Out of a distorted sense to protect what’s is “normal” and not rock the boat.
All of that, the event itself and your reaction, immediately begin to define your new identity. You lose confidence. You’re quiet and fearful when you once were outgoing. You startle easier. You’re hesitant.
Sexual abuse is like being in a war. Do you ever ask a military vet why they literally never, ever talk about their experiences?
No.
So why the hell do we think it’s so strange when an assault victim doesn’t either?
I am the CEO of a software company and to this day, I do not speak publically about the sexual abuse I suffered as a child.
Our president has no interest in becoming educated about the complex and traumatic lives assault victims lead because he’s an abuser. I’m hopeful others can learn from this moment as educated women with nothing to gain and everything to lose come forward.
They have my respect and I am hopeful our Senate listens at this crucial moment.
91
@Andy Andy, so in your opinion, being successful in business means that the abuse didn't actually amount to anything, since she actually succeeded in something? That is despicable.
1
Please please report them (male or female) to the police even if you do it anonymously- these people are not well and they have probably done it before and will do it again - get their name filed in a computer as a potential rapist. Write an unsigned letter if that is all you feel able to do.
6
Who wants to share their personal life with a police officer ... most women don’t want to report
Thank you for sharing your experience. Your sexual assault and personal reflections on it capture what so many of us feel. I truly hope that our society starts to look at sexual assault differently.
I commend Blasey Ford for her bravery. She knew that this was the difficult road to take and she courageously chose to do it, in spite of the fact that it would potentially ruin her future.
11
Ms. Lakshmi's points here are all well and good; rape victims are unlikely to report their abuse; men are even less likely than women to report sexual assault.
But her entire piece fails to address the main issue. The standard of proof which she and other feminist intellectuals are demanding in order to determine the credibility of rape allegations is about as rigorous as that which preceded the lynching of blacks in the Jim Crow South. It's hearsay, nothing more.
Emmett Till was bludgeoned over the head until his eyes dangled from their sockets all on account of rumors that he had made unwanted sexual advances toward a white woman. In Salem, Massachusetts, the hysterical ravings of women and children were enough to send innocents to the gallows as witches.
Although I understand perfectly well that in the context of the #MeToo movement the stakes against men are not, corporeally speaking, a matter of life and death, the consequences to a man's good name and reputation are nothing less than life or death. A mere accusation is enough to ruin an innocent man for as long as he lives, effectively blackballing him from employment opportunities and making a pariah of him, all as a result of an unsubstantiated claim based entirely on hearsay.
Lastly, its tiresome to hear over and over again that women could not possibly have anything to gain from making false accusations. Just imagine when male and female coworkers are in contention for the same job.
5
@Erlend Nikulaussøn
None of your argument is germane to an argument about whether or not we should choose to offer somebody to a lifetime appointment to the nation's highest court.
Not being made a SC justice is not a consequence of guilt - it's a consequence of possible guilt, of association. And, I would argue, it's an entirely fair one.
There is not a person alive who has a right to be on that court. The privilege can be denied as arbitrarily as the public wants.
Just ask Merrick Garland.
10
But you would destroy a person based on an unprovable accusation? Who would be immune from such a thing?
2
@Peter
Respectfully, the veracity of the accusation is at the very heart of the matter, inasmuch as the Kavanaugh matter is a microcosm of the broader #MeToo debate. At stake is not just the makeup of the Supreme Court, but the rights of citizens not to be libeled and defamed, and to defend themselves if need be. If you look carefully at what feminists are saying, you cannot fail to miss the truisms being bandied about. As Hillary Clinton famously said during the 2016 campaign, "accusers should be believed." The reverse of that dictum is that the accused should be categorically not believed, even before evidence has been considered.
It's not hard to see how this rationale could be institutionalized by lower court rulings and extended to criminal proceedings. If accusers should be presumed credible in matters as anodyne as Senate confirmation hearings, then why not also in weightier matters, such as criminal proceedings?
If questioning the veracity of rape allegations--not to deny, but merely to establish whether or not a sexual assault has factually taken place--is tantamount to re-victimizing rape victims, then why should defendants have the right to defend themselves against such accusations at all? By this very reasoning, accusations should warrant automatic convictions. It would save defendants the unenviable burden of having to prove a negative; that is, that they did NOT do something.
1
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for what happened to you, and that you lost the right to choose when to lose your virginity, and with whom. You were robbed as well as raped.
I have never been raped and neither has my sister (my only sibling). We were lucky, I realize now, and rather naive. We each have 3 daughters and 2 of mine have been raped, and 1 of my sister's. Another of my sister's daughters had a near-rape experience, but escaped. We have gone over and over this - why didn't we warn our daughters more? Why have things not gotten better? Why didn't we all react perfectly when they were attacked and go straight to the police?
I can't answer my own questions but I can only be glad that the culture seems to finally be changing. It better be!
18
I was sexually abused at 13.
I told no one about it for 5 years.
I'm 70 now, and still in therapy.
28
I was raped twice in high school - by my 19 year old neighbor I was 13. And kept silent. Thought it was my fault Common in the 1970s. Common now, too.
15
This specific account does not have any relevance to any other case, certainly not Kavanugh's.
3
yes it explains WHY women do not report sexual assault & abuse!
3
What is with the NY Times editors who chose the photograph to go with Ms Lakshmi's brave and well-written story. The photographer is looking down at her as she sits on a sofa! Did the editors not see how this choice just plays into the viewer looking down at the woman? The photograph is much bigger than usual for an opinion piece. The treatment of the photograph is more in keeping with glamour than a serious portrait of a woman telling a painful story. Great photo in other circumstances but tone-deaf here.
5
The Times is bias against Trump and they want to prove Kavanaugh
is a sexual predator.
It is hard to believe after thirty years Ms Ford is just now reporting what happened to her.
So the Times goes out and selects instances where women tell us it's normal that a women would keep sexual assault a secret.
You can't select cases and then report about them as if they weren't specially selected and are indicative of how most women would react when sexually assaulted.
If they weren't bias they would tell us about cases where woman have lied about being sexually assaulted because I am sure that has happened as well.
This article proves nothing to me and is just one of the many articles in the paper that proves the Times has a agenda and can not see beyond their desire to see Trump impeached.
4
@John
Read these comments. It is normal. A dear friend of mine was raped repeatedly as a child; it came out when she submitted the wrong journal to her 10th grade English teacher. Never reported to the police. She was raped again multiple times through her life, including twice by men she was dating or had dated in the past. Never reported.
Why not? Because reporting or charging criminally, in addition to the re-traumatization of having to retell the story over and over again, ultimately requires some kind of interaction with the perpetrator. Many women, quite understandably, make the choice to never interact with their rapists or abusers again if they can help it. And for many rape survivors, that's just about the only thing they have any control over.
Here's an idea: stop talking for a while. Read this article again. Read every comment on this article. And try, for once, to empathize with the people suffering the consequences of rape, and not just those suffering the pseudo-consequences of rape allegations.
5
Sounds like you should be reading a newspaper with less "bias" toward the white house tenant. And by the way, your post amplifies the need to expose women's experience of sexual assault. That the only thing you got from this article was your feeling of bias toward the CIC is proof that this subject is just too much for men to handle. Ms. Lakshmi's account is glaringly familiar to any assault victim. Read the article again and this time try to imagine yourself walking through life with the feeling that control over your own body may be just out of reach because you are a woman.
5
@John
Apparently you can't see beyond your desire to have reality conform to your biases.
5
This is courageous and thank you for sharing.
I was groped so many times from age 9-16 by my male cousins.
One of them tortured me for almost 3 years, every opportunity he got to be around me. He would grab my breasts or try to touch me inappropriately. I was scared to be alone with him, but he found ways because he was family. One day I mustered the courage to tell my mom, she flew over to his house and made a big spectacle and told his parents. She threatened to destroy him if he ever came near me. A huge weight was lifted, and I felt so much love and admiration towards my mom. We should teach our kids to speak up and let the world know that this behavior will not be tolerated.
55
@Leila
BRAVO TO YOUR MOM! That's exactly what all victim's should experience; ferocious defense of their truth by the people who really matter.
1
@Leila That's what a mother or father should do.
1
The following passage reminds us that the bully pulpit is occupied by a bully: "On Friday, President Trump tweeted that if what Dr. Blasey said was true, she would have filed a police report years ago. But I understand why both women would keep this information to themselves for so many years, without involving the police.” It’s well established that, barring evidence to the contrary, anything Mr. Trump says is thoughtless nonsense that he has scraped hastily from the lining of his gut. Certainly he knows even less about women’s responses to sexual trauma than he does about women - even though he’s been directly involved with both for years. If not for the surreal fact that he is in a position to nominate Supreme Court justices, Ms. Lakshmi would not have had to weigh her privacy and pain against the public interest. I thank her for having the courage and nobility to put the country before herself.
Sadly, though, if Chuck Grassley and his ilk were to read this column, they’d be more likely to think, “well, that definitely gets Brett off the hook because there was no penetration there!” than “I can’t countenance a subculture that emotionally scars women for their lifetimes."
Finally, I’d like to add this: If you are a man and you don’t know for sure that attempting to have sex with a sleeping woman is unacceptable, henceforth know it for sure. You probably have a mental drawer for things like premeditated murder. It belongs in there.
11
Let’s not forget that a girl or woman who has been raped has to manage the scare and the possibility of pregnancy. None of the men advocating for Kavanaugh’s nomination have any idea of what their actions and intentions regarding Roe v Wade will do to victims of rape.
15
Lots of stories. All heartfelt and appreciated. This fiasco has brought the problem to the surface.What now shall we do about it? How many are motivated by a genuine concern and resolve for eradicating sexual abuse and how many are intended to disparage and condemn Brett Kavanaugh, who may have done nothing at all? Only the authors know the truth.
2
It is sad to see girls and women suffer so much for so long after those tragic acts. If boys involved had been convicted as rapists, and stayed in prison for long time, what would the society, boys’ parents and even the girls say? Some boys may be despicable rapists, but others may be nice persons who cannot control their human instincts and misread the interaction.
What is said may be politically and even legally incorrect. But we have to face the reality. Sexual activities for the novice are neither beautiful nor romantic, and more often than not, they are clumsy and annoying for both sides.
Maybe the society should consider creating different categories for the forcible intercourse, depending on if the involved know each other, if both are decent, and under what circumstance it occurs. Accordingly, different punishments should be meted out. While feeling sorry for what has happened to many girls, we as a society should consider if the punishment to some boys or even girls are too harsh. We need to think and come up with sensible solutions.
1
Forcible intercourse is illegal and wrong. Period. There is no degree or level at which this is ok. Your comment is disturbing
6
@Jessica I agree with you, but how can you prove often if it is forcible or not. Should both sign a pre-sex agreement or contract?
I am afraid this will disturb you again. I am not condoning anything illegal, but just try to find more practical solution to an eternal and universal problem--the first time is not that romantic or pleasant. For both sides, especially women, the feelings before, during and after the action can be ambivalent and ambiguous. It is not impossible some will change their mind after it is over. Nor is it that one side lies and trap the other side.
A person like the famous comedian deserves harsh punishment. While it is sad to see the victims suffer so much, it would be regrettable if the society is too harsh to many good men and women who happen to do something bad.
A few days ago, while on the phone with my mother, she began complaining about and bad mouthing Dr. Ford and it was at this point that I couldn’t stand it any longer. I informed her that when I was 12 I was molested by an 18 year old and the reasons why I never said a word and that she shouldn’t be so quick to judge with a partisanship lens the way she always does. She then proceeds to get more angry with me so I decide to tell her about an earlier attack when I was 11 and she says “I don’t want to hear about it”. At this point I told her that of course she doesn’t want to hear about it just like she doesn’t want to hear about Dr. Ford and hung up on her. I’m shaking as I write this. I feel like I can’t speak to her ever again, which means I have no Mother. What is so wrong with these types of women that they can be so cruel?
60
I’m so sorry this was the outcome after you bravely told her what happened to you. I hope you find the support and love you deserve from others in your life.
4
@Eskibas, I understand your pain all too well. I'm so sorry you're feeling the "loss" of your mother, even though she is very much alive. I wrestle with this emotion daily.
1
@Eskibas, I am so so sorry for what happened to you—and your mother’s denial. Women like her were brainwashed that good/smart/strong women didn’t get raped—and it was their fault if they were. (And it’s not just conservative moms—my mother is fairly liberal, but still makes slut-shaming comments about women who have cleavage or short skirts. Or who go to a man’s room.) Down deep, they know rape can happen no matter what, but the only way they can cope with the knowledge/fear is to victim-blame. Please get therapy so you can heal—and deal with your mom.
3
They already have his robe pressed and given him the key to the SC men’s room. So much for our democracy. I guess it’s only affordable to those who can afford it. They have stated he would be in court Friday morning. Women will have to fight against injustice till the end. And will continue to come out and tell our stories.
10
Thank you for your courage. As a man who has never raped or sexually assaulted any woman, I find it difficult to understand what leads any man (or boy) to commit such a heinous act. I hope courageous women like yourself will continue to speak out, and more men will come to understand that such behavior is intolerable.
14
What is so terribly depressing about this story, and all the many others that are so similar, is knowing that to men like Ms Lakshmi's rapist, women and girls are less than human. The hatred these men have for their victims, the callous indifference to their suffering, terror and pain, is sickening. Men, if you cannot treat us with decency and respect, if you cannot resist the urge to annihilate our very spirits and souls and destroy our futures, then stay away from us. Stay far, far away.
9
Thank you for sharing your story.
2
Thank you for your brave words. Thank you for sharing them now, in these very dark times for women (especially).
5
I hear you :(
2
Thank you for sharing this with us! I am so sorry you have had to deal with this for so many years! And I think it is so brave of you to share it now! We as a society need to stand up and be heard that this is not ok! People need to be held accountable for their disgusting actions towards others!
6
So thankful for you bearing witness to this horrible act. It is far too common and dismissed as just statistics rather than horror that you live with forever. As you say it is only by brave women and men being courageous enough to speak out that others might never know this fear, shame and trauma.
2
I was sexually assaulted in college by a friend's roommate. I didn't report it. I felt ashamed and thought it was my fault. When I learned that this man had been brought up on charges by another girl's father I began to realize maybe I was not to blame yet I could not talk about it. To me it's understandable that Ford did not report the attack.
19
Thank you for your courage, Padma. There's so much I want to say but, for now, just . . .thank you.
4
I’m torn at the thought that these two women may be lying, but this article has set me straight.
It is so incredibly hard to come forward. These women have nothing to gain by telling their story and in that sense, we have to give time to find out the truth in the best way we can.
To rush to a vote would essentially mean that these voices don’t matter.
27
“ These experiences have affected me and my ability to trust. ... Some say a man shouldn’t pay a price for an act he committed as a teenager. But the woman pays the price for the rest of her life, and so do the people who love her.”
The last line is so true. It hurts to think about those who love me and those who have tried to get close to me. I know that the lingering fear of intimacy has caused me to push them away.
It takes a tremendous amount of courage, effort, resources and support to overcome the long-term negative impacts of abuse. My hope is that the actions of the brave women coming out to tell their stories to raise awareness of the effects of abuse will lead to more support being provided to help heal those who continue to suffer on a daily basis.
17
Thank you for being truly brave and telling your story. Your important story.
5
Very very well said. I have hurt many men and women due to the pain I suffered but could not see clearly. I didn’t understand. I was lost. Years of therapy with a good shrink has maybe made me almost whole in my eighties. Still live alone though.
5
Thank you for your eloquent honesty, Ms. Lakshmi. I was almost murdered by a boyfriend (who also raped me), had to escape town and live as a fugitive in order to survive. I made up lies about why the disruption in my work history (was fired by my job due to the abuser showing up and calling at all times) upon returning to my community, worked three jobs and stuffed the guilt, the shame and the terror (hoping I would never encounter this monster). Then he showed up in the news having murdered two women in public eight years after my escape. And now, 20 years later, is proceeding with multi-million dollar appeals, even in an open-shut case. Cannot imagine the pain and fury of the victim's families. As for me, I stopped dating men the day I barely escaped this predator. The pain and trauma (for his other survivors, his victims and me) are lifelong. Sometimes I've wished for a premature death to escape it all. The patriarchal denigration of women still in the 21st Century in many cultures including the USA not only causes so much suffering, premature death, and misery; it is also counter to human survival. Some countries treat women as equals: Canada and Iceland come to mind. The collective compassion, peace and well-being of populations in those countries is truly enviable and very obtainable.
40
I very much appreciate Ms. Lakshmi's bravery to explain to men why women don't report sexual assault, even to those closest to them. Sadly, in many cases not reporting it is the best option and the only way a woman or girl can protect herself from harassment or another assault.
The only thing I disagree with is the statistic that one out of four women has experienced sexual assault. My experience is that the figure is at least three out of four women, maybe more.
11
Agree. I would say based on my experience that more women than you could imagine have experienced sexual, physical and/or mental abuse at the hands of a man at some point in their lives. And most hide it and move on - they know they won’t be believed. Brava and thank you to the women who have the courage to now speak out. Continuing to consider Kavanaugh as a viable candidate for SCOTUS without even a shred of further investigation is an outrage.
3
I am almost the same age as Kavanaugh and was very pretty and curvy as a teenager. I had many problems with boys (and men) who, when drunk, got rape-y. I am thankful that younger women have gotten the message out there that lowered inhibitions do not justify sexual assault.
20
I am so very sorry for what happened to you and the burden of carrying that all of these years. I still cannot form words for wounds I suffered 30 years ago but they are there and I would like to think that if my attacker ever aspired to a lifetime appointment to the highest court, I would be as strong as Dr. Ford and come forward. Sadly, I think most women know exactly #whyIdidnotreport, thank you for having the courage to try and enlighten others with your truth. My 8 year old daughter was born to smash the patriarchy but my sons are also being raised to reject and call out rape culture and I hope they all grow up in a culture where women and girls’ past and futures are valued just as much as men’s and sexual assault would never fall under the category of “youthful indiscretion.”
22
Some have commented that Ms. Lakshmi is using recent events to elevate her media profile.
I disagree. Opening up about a rape - a painful event whose negative consequences become part of you - is substantial. The weight of reliving that burden is too heavy for the sole purpose of seeking 15 minutes of fame.
I see two bigger reasons to open up.
(1) for self healing and to bring support to the millions of other women and men who have also been hesitant to come forward.
(2) to shine a disinfecting light that forces positive change, in the spirit of #MeToo.
It is cynical to suggest otherwise.
I will always be grateful to people like Ms. Lakshmi, who despite the personal cost, are brave enough to take steps that help the rest of us feel safer.
34
This is a brave article. Thank you.
16
Sadly, these things happen far too often. It is hard to believe that 1 in 4 women have been assaulted. The mind has difficulty comprehending that fact. But the next time you are in a crowd or walking through your office, stop at every fourth door and realize that a person behind it may have been assaulted and will probably carry the scars for life. Then it is not so hard to believe and to do something.
6
Brava, Padma! You are brave and will make a big difference with your voice.
11
Key sentence written by Ms. Lakshmi: "I have nothing to gain by talking about this."
Dr. Ford, as a hostile anti-Trump activist, has a lot to gain by talking about her experience.
6
Read that last sentence. It has absolutely no logic to it.
9
What does she gain?
6
Pardon me? Dr. Ford has a lot to gain by telling her story? And what would that be? This woman is an accomplished PhD whose research has been published again and again. She and her family have had to leave their home for safety and she has put her reputation on the line. Who said she is an anti-trump activist - Fox News?
22
We must improve the narrative on sex abuse and #metoo. I am a member of the 1 in 6 boys that was sexually abused. She was 18, I was 12. Even in this article, it references 1/4 girls and 1/6 boys (horrifying) then quickly moves on. "speaking now because I want us all to fight so that our daughters never know this fear and shame and our sons know that girls’ bodies do not exist for their pleasure" What about the boys referenced 1 sentence before? I am not picking on the author it is just how we think as a society.
I am now 39 years old. The damage this person did to me is just as raw as any girls story in the same scenario, rape. In 27 years there has not been a week I haven't thought about it. Boys that have experienced sexual abuse are dismissed because they are boys. Is their experience not as bad especially when the perpetrator is female?
We must recognize all victims if this movement is to perform as intended. If we really want to heal survivors all should be included and recognized equally.
I have shared my story for 20+ years mostly in a boastful way, because I felt as a boy this is how I should act. Just now, 27 years later I am coming to terms with the experience and being honest with myself and others about it. Last month a family member said he was sorry this happened to me? This was a first and It felt incredible to have someone recognize the true experience. We must be honest and modify how we think about sex abuse so that ALL victims can heal.
34
I’m very sorry this happened to you. This is her story. She hets to tell it her way and she had a limited number of words to make her points.
I hope you find a support group. Almost all sexual assault groups work with women and men. Perhaps you will find what you are looking for with them.
3
You are absolutely correct and your opinion is valued. I have two twelve year-old grandsons and I fear for them. I am sorry to hear that this happened to you.
3
you are so right. thank you for expressing your perspective and having the courage to share what you experienced. This was wrong and you - all of us - deserve to be safe and spared such abuse.
1
Thank you. So many of us have these horrible episodes in our head - decades later. I appreciate you bringing it out the open. I intend to follow your example, as I did no wrong. I was assaulted, and my poor choices did not excuse the act. My one regret is that I did not report. No one wanted me to, even though it was a stranger kidnapping.
8
Thank you for your bravery in sharing your painful memory and horrible experience.
You also summed up the current situation perfectly with this:
"Some say a man shouldn’t pay a price for an act he committed as a teenager. But the woman pays the price for the rest of her life, and so do the people who love her."
15
Thank you for telling your story. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I'm so sorry I was sexually assaulted at 17 and raped at 20. I have told a few friends and gotten lots of therapy in the decades since, but that history will always be there, and it causes me pain still. I'm glad so many of us are speaking out. I don't think the stream of stories is going to end any time soon.
14
Thank you for this. You say so many important things, and at great cost. Your story is heartbreaking. For me an essential thing you tell everyone is: "Some say a man shouldn’t pay a price for an act he committed as a teenager. But the woman pays the price for the rest of her life, and so do the people who love her." I'm a former prosecutor, and a civil and criminal rights attorney, and I've represented many women who had been raped and sexually assaulted, and all the victims consistently pay an enormous price for the rest of their lives. The trauma these woman experience is so great it's as if someone murdered them yet somehow they continued to live. It's why rape and sexual assault are the worst crimes imaginable. That some dare to pretend that a normal 17 year old male would attempt to rape a 15 year old girl is disgusting. Anyone over 16 who commits a rape or sexual assault is automatically prosecuted as an adult in criminal court. What's happening now is horrific. I'm up every night thinking about the millions of women who are being traumatized all over again just so a sexual predator without an ounce of remorse for his crimes can place another sexual predator on the Supreme Court. Brave women like Ms. Lakshmi are publicly telling what happened to them, at great cost, putting themselves through trauma all over again, just so other women like Dr. Blasey don't have to suffer alone, victimized all over again at the hands of men who are nothing but monsters.
38
I’m horrified by your experience and commend you for speaking out. You may have felt you were being “cast out”, but I think your parents were trying to protect you, by sending you to live with your grandparents in Chennai.
2
I am so, so sorry for what you experienced. I was in high school in LA in the 80s and I know exactly the culture that you are describing and how that situation would have come about.
There appears to be a willful and deliberate suspension of cultural memory about how dreadful that time was for young women and how the concept of “boys will be boys” ran rampant through our high schools and beyond. It was as if women’s rights in the 70s had given us more freedom & opportunity but men were still allowed to operate according to the rules of 200 years ago. They could assault us, but we couldn’t complain because we were “liberated” and we’d also be social pariahs if anyone found out. The familiar refrain was, “What were you wearing? What did you say to encourage him? Did you go into a room with him alone? What do you expect if you fall asleep on his bed?” At the end of the day, the concept was that women were ultimately responsible for their assault because they were now “in control” of their sexuality thanks to the sexual revolution.
I was not sexually assaulted but had many near misses. This week I told my husband about being kidnapped by a 16-year-old male friend. He had just received a brand new Audi A4 for his 16th birthday and, as a close friend of his, I was with his family to witness the gift. They encouraged us to take it out for a “spin”. Ten minutes into the drive, he made it clear that he thought we should be a couple.
3
@VAW Just a little note to those reading this that her story continues a few posts down.
Thank you, Ms. Lakshmi. For me, too “the lesson was: If you speak up, you will be cast out.”
2
Why are you not exposing the guy who did this to you? Not even now? We (women) are still trying to play nice.
Only the lowest animal would rape a woman. Rape is very common in India as well.
Hats off to this courageous and beautiful woman, Padma Lakshmi, and many others for sharing their tragic, painful stories and for making their voices heard.
Let this rise to a deafening roar that wakes up the world, the men who are complicit in creating such a world. And women and men (Fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters and spouses) who are complicit in this silence and in blaming and shaming the victims of sexual assault and sexual violence.
3
Such an act of generosity Ms. Lakshmi. It grants me a little space.
Here is one memory. I slept over at my friend's house when I was 13. I had a crush on her 17 year old brother, Peter. He knew it and used it. I allowed Peter to escort me into his room because I imagined he was going to tell me the secret I longed to hear, that he liked me too. But instead he wordlessly seated himself on the edge of his bed, unzipped his pants and grabbed my head between his hands. I worried I would choke. Then, on the heels of this worry, a more pressing worry: how would I pull myself together so that my friend wouldn't guess?
My shame was that I had misread Peter's character and the situation. This had been my fault. I hid the facts because my shame was unbearable. But in so doing, I was less integrated as a human being and had protected a predator. I hadn't shared this, or any of my experiences of sexual abuse, until a few years ago in therapy, with my partner. And I did so then only because I had reached a critical point in my life; things were going to tip one way or another and I wanted to choose which way they would tip. My secrets had become so disruptive, they were front and center. Shame and its variegated consequences had long been calling the shots.
But there is another compelling reason for us to finally share our deeply shaming experiences. Now, there is also a moral imperative to speak.
24
Thank you. You stated perfectly some of things I have been trying to put into words.
2
Thank you for bravely sharing your story, Padma. For parents interested in messaging for their young kids — check out the Pantasaurus video from the UK. It positively empowers kids to say no to inappropriate touching, plus it’s straight forward and catchy. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-lL07JOGU5o
1
This was a great NPR interview today. It really did make me question our notions of how violence is almost ingrained in the concept of masculinity:
(https://www.opb.org/news/article/npr-amid-kavanaugh-allegations-rethinki...
"The allegations against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh have ignited a national debate about what constitutes acceptable behavior by boys.
Here & Now‘s Robin Young speaks with University of Northern Colorado sociology professor Cliff Leek (@Cliff_Leek), president of the American Men’s Studies Association and author of the forthcoming book “Boy oh Boy,” a collection of 30 coming-of-age stories from successful male figures.
“The sorts of things and behaviors that we reinforce as manly to boys are not what we expect from good men,” says Leek, who argues that justifying misbehavior among young men by saying “boys will be boys” spreads confusion about how boys and young men should act. “To even take it a step further, it almost frames it as if to imply that those behaviors are actually what make boys boys.” "
9
I want to thank Ms. Lakshmi for sharing here story. I gave me some serious insight into why many women do not come forward after being raped and molested. Her parents failed as a parents when they refused to believe her when she told them about her molestation and decided to sweep it under the rug by sending her to India for a year. How could you not go to the police after something like that happens to your child? Then, they failed, again, when a they allowed a 23 year-old man to date their daughter! How could the mom not known that sex is all a 23 year-old would want from her 16 year-old! The rapist should definitely have gone to jail, but it didn’t happen because her parents and by extension society failed to protect her and to tell her it was ok to ask for help when someone has harmed you! I’m so sorry that happened!
In any case if you’ve been violated, please come forward with your story so that you can justice and the violator(s) can be punished. To do otherwise, is to betray yourself!
2
I was molested by four different men (two were relatives) by the time I was 16. I, like Ms. Lakshmi, an of Asian Indian origin. I kept it to myself initially out, out of shame. I made a conscious decision, at age 16, not to do anything to upset my family. When I did speak up, at age 20, my own parents, did not believe me. Later, they did believe me, or at least they acknowledged me, but by then the damage had been done. I did learn, however, to take care of myself. I think I cried every day for maybe 7 years. Then I decided that it couldn't matter. I needed to fight for myself. I chose to decide that it wouldn't bother me anymore.
I am a prosecutor now and understand those who wonder why these women don't press charges. I also understand why they didn't. I spent last weekend with a cousin who molested me. The family was all together. I don't even think about it anymore.
Sometimes I still feel sad for the child I was. But I didn't have cancer. Physically, I am fine. Maybe this made me stronger. have a loving husband and two wonderful kids. I made it out OK. But it is still not right. After years of self help books and reflection I have learned that the problem was those who abused me and not myself.
I don't know what the answer is to all this. But I am glad this issue is coming to light.
25
No one should have to endure this and crying for seven years. <3
2
You are so brave to share your story. By breaking the silence, you are already making the world a better place.
6
Admittedly I did stupid and shameful things as a high school and college kid. But I'm also not seeking your vote or a seat on the Supreme Court. Therein lies the difference between dredging up an old accusation and putting Kavanaugh to the test.
That said if Dr. Ford is asked for specific details of the night in question she should respond with something like this:
Ford: Did you buy gas recently?
Likely answer: Yes.
Ford: What day and time did you buy gas?
Possible answer: I think last Wednesday evening.
Ford: But you are not sure of the specific time. Ok, how much gas did you buy and how much did you pay?
Possible answer: I filled it up so it was probably around $60.
Ford: Again you are not sure. But your lack of certainty does not conflict with the fact that you know you did actually buy gas. And this was just last Wednesday.
8
I went to an elite all-girl college prep high school. One day, my best friend and I cut class. Five boys from an elite college prep high school, invited us to walk with them. The boys invited us to a friend's home where they tied us up and raped us.
When they were finished, the boys said: "No one will believe you. Everyone will say you are sluts." We never told our parents. We never told anyone.
We were terrified of being known as sluts. We were terrified of the boys, and terrified of their parents who lived in the same neighborhood as our parents.
We were teen-girls raped by teen-boys who went to our church and lived in our elite neighborhood.
59
I am so sorry. I hope you are okay.
2
@cecz If you were here in my living room, I'd look you in the eye and say, "You deserve a happy life without fear and without being haunted by this memory. You did nothing to deserve this."
I hope a better future is ahead for you.
2
That was so beautifully and thoughtfully written it brought tears to my eyes. Such truth. It literally hit close to home as that was my local mall growing up in Southern California.
Every woman I know has had some sort of sexual transgression against her. Unwanted sex was always a taboo subject until recently because of the questions so often asked in Ms. Lakshmi's account (primarily: How was it provoked?). It is painful to learn of the suffering and emotional turmoil she and so many others have had to endure while understandably choosing silence.
Each story we hear concerns a woman abused by a man who counts on the ambiguity of the situation to protect himself. Almost as though they are able to create an impressionistic alibi in their minds to justify their crime.
But it's the stories we don't hear that is part of the problem.
Each time a woman comes out with her story it empowers us all to do the same and it also helps to educate men on the ramifications of their actions.
Thank you for allowing us to share the burden of your pain.
9
While I am sorry for what happened to you, Parma, I so admire your sharing it with the world. I agree that things have to change now, & it’s up to women to lead the way. A Senate committee made up entirely of men with a 40-year agenda have made up their minds before a word of testimony has been uttered. Let us be the ones to say this is not ok & that men do have to be held accountable. And also, men, even if intercourse didn’t happen, it still can be sexual assault.
10
I believe you.
7
I was supposed to find him particularly attractive because he had this expensive car.
When I protested that we were just friends, he proceeded to take me on a high speed, hair-raising tour of the roads around his home to “force” me to see that we should be a couple because “everyone” expected it. At one point I told him I was getting out of the car at a busy intersection. At every light, he locked the doors and kept relocking them as I scrambled to open my door at a stoplight. Remember, this was the days before cell phones so I was literally getting out in an unknown location with no way to contact my family. I don’t remember if I had my purse with me but I suspect I did not.
When I became unresponsive except to say that I wanted him to take me back to his home, he finally relented. When we arrived at his home, I very politely complemented his parents and siblings on the wonderful car and made an excuse to leave. I never saw him again. I drove home and didn’t tell my mother or father or anyone until I told my husband last week.
It is astonishing to me that women are having to unearth these horrible experiences of our youth to demonstrate why our elected officials are so profoundly out of touch with reality and the people they represent. Thank you Ms. Lakshmi for revealing your experiences to help others educate our sons, brothers, fathers, husbands and, MOST IMPORTANTLY, elected officials of how many women are survivors of sexual violence and aggression.
31
According to Orin Hatch, Dr. Ford is mixed up. Is it possible Mr. Hatch that your boy is mixed up? After all he was the gatekeeper of 100 Kegs in preppy school. Or maybe Mr. Hatch you only think women get mixed up.
Bring in the FBI to un-mix it.
38
Thank-you for sharing this difficult experience. What you are doing and what Dr Blasey Ford and other are doing will make things better for your daughter and other young girls.
There will be people who cast aspersions and they should be ashamed of themselves but they won’t win in the long run. Just like marriage equality which happened so quickly because of the number of LGBT people who came out and we saw they were our neighbors, our friends and our family. The same thing will happen as more women come out with their stories - change will happen. Donald Trump (Sr and Jr) and all like them are on the wrong side of history. Their days are over.
I hope we never have another President who EVER bragged about grabbing women by their privates OR a Supreme Court nominee who EVER treated young women as Judge Kavanaugh did.
6
thank you for your story, heart felt truth and sharing your pain. as a man I am sorry you went through that. a real man doesn't force anyone but leads by virtue. what you experienced was the dark side of life and I commend you for finding strength and a positive outlet.
10
Sometimes men experience this too and never tell anyone except their wife 60 years later.
3
I think the final paragraphs of this op-ed state the point very poignantly. One reason why rapes go uninvestigated is because women and girls feel like speaking up will just subject them to scrutiny or get them punished. Given what they are seeing play out on the national stage right now, with abusers denigrating their victims while everyone with the power to stop them stands idly by, if our daughters are among the 1 in 4 who are sexually abused, will they say anything? Will we even have the opportunity to protect them?
15
This piece is just one of the narratives of many brave souls that have had our wounds torn open again. Repressed memories and thoughts making their way through our psyches and bodies again, all triggered from a statement made by a certain celebrity leader of a nation, unsurprisingly, but this time is different.
We are ANGRY. This has the ability to transcend and make changes entirely necessary if we want to heal as a collective. Many are speaking out so bravely for the first time in their lives. There is so much pain and misery in our world, for many of us carry such deep traumatic wounds, it is evident.
Like Ms. Lakshmi, I myself am also a sexual assault survivor. Voiceless, confused and full of self-loathing and suicidal thoughts as a 6 year old raped by 2 of her half-brothers and later on as a 13 year old along w/ having a mentally ill, toxic mother and a clueless emotionally void father, my chances of growing up and surviving were nil. Once I had a chance of pressing charges against my brother after he assaulted another teen girl, my own mother began to victim blame the girl. I had no chance of having anyone ever listening to me. That’s why I didn’t report. Years later, my own birth Mother blamed me for not telling her and I found out recently she knew of my abuse the whole time.
We WILL see change happening this time.
Cycles will be broken. Healing will come.
17
"I understand why a woman would wait years to disclose a sexual assault."
So do I. Furthermore, I would totally understand, and be deeply sympathetic if, after the assault, the woman got a gun, hunted down her tormentor, and put a slug into his miserable chest. But, she should not do that, either.
You want to solve the problem of sexual assault? Boys should be taught to not assault girls. And girls should be taught to preserve physical evidence and report to the police immediately.
And if the woman does wait 35 years to speak of the assault, she should speak to her husband, to her therapist, and to no one else, because the Ship of Justice sailed a long time ago. And she should certainly not send a letter to the corrupt and mendacious Diane Feinstein.
2
@Haim And are you going to teach all the police to be respectful of the girls and women coming to them? It's going to be a big job.
14
@Haim, you have some nerve. You want a victim to only tell a few people years later because, hey, justice can’t at all be done? Ever think her victimizer has gone on to rape again? Or that he may rule on women’s lives on the SC?
3
How is anyone actually to know what to expect since it’s the first time? I still feel embarrassed about it myself to this day.
3
@John Doe it's not hard to tell when you don't want to and are forced to.
Thank you Lakshmi for sharing your powerful story.
One thing I haven't witnessed anyone do is to refer to Dr. Blasey Ford as an American hero. Coming forward with her story - essentially sacrificing her privacy and subjecting herself to so much hatred and loathing - is to throw herself under the train to derail this nomination. She didn't give her life for our country on the literal battlefield but on the political.
Thank you Dr. Blasey Ford, for your service.
51
Why i dont talk about unpleasant sexual experiences is that i have used drugs or has been drunk and so have mate.Nothing so bad that would need attention, among drug users unpleasant sexual acts are common. May i say many unpleasant experiences. If some misunderstanding has happen I dont have had bruises or i have used violence and man has got scared stopped their doings, neutralized happening in scientific terms. I ensure you if you use self defense most men stop their doings, they understand that one kick to head may kill them, sexual act is not worth that. Everybody are careless and uncaring when are out of their heads, cant blame them.
If some one get tighten up, cant scream or say nothing, cant move and sexual act is against their will then i would cont it as rape, but still would it be better to tell officers than yell it at magazine, than you can talk whit your friends, block guy from group. If police take you to mental hospital, sue police from corruption.
When I was 12 years old, I lived in a commune. A 35 year old man tried to molest me, and was stalking me. I reported it to my parents, who in turn reported it to the elders of the church. I was punished. I was not allowed to be with my friends. I had to be with an adult at all times. I was told that I had been dressing provocatively, and enticed the man. (I lived in a commune, which had a strict dress code. Dresses/skirts below the knee, high collars, etc.) Yeah, I, a 12 year old was enticing a dirty old man!
Of course, my parents were so brainwashed that they went along with my 'punishment'. It was embarrassing for me. How was I to explain to my friends? I was treated like I had done something bad, like I was the one who was being dirty. Treated like the village harlot!
Made me furious!!! I guess it still does -- that was 38 years ago! Somethings you don't forget. And If I found out that man was to run for a public office today, you bet I would rat him out!
60
Hope all these stories are now inspiring Women to report Sexual assaults A.S.A.P. for when you wait years and years the story beomes________________.
I taught my young daughter and son to scream "FIRE" if anyone dared to touch them or to threaten them in any manner. Screaming "help" is not nearly as effective as screaming "FIRE!"
After all, not everyone wants to "help," but it seems everyone wants to see the "FIRE!" In addition, many calls would come into the Fire Dept. Those sirens are LOUD, and their COMMOTION is noteworthy.
Far more effective than "help." Try it.
11
So proud of you Padma! Thank you for providing more proof that often decades pass before a woman is ready to share her story.
6
This is basically nothing compared to what you have endured. But I am a 65 year old woman. For what it's worth, my children, among others, tell me I look much younger. This is only notweworthy because of the topic. Nothing else. Last night, I chose to walk home from the hospital where my 29 year old daughter is being treated for Aucte Leukemia. It is a 25 minute walk from the hospital to my home and I LOVE to walk. It was a beautiful night in Charleston. We were watching a movie together in her hospital room, but I purposely left before the movie was over because I wanted to be sure I would arrive at home before dark. I left just in time for that. And during my walk home, often on streets that were barren of other pedestrians, but some busy with traffic, I felt afraid. Like I was 20 years old, at college, wanting to have my keys poised between my first two fingers to poke in someone's eyes if I had to. That was then. I never ever felt safe walking alone at night. Today, I held my phone in my hand poised for dialing. Our fear is elemental. I have not been attacked by a stranger. But the fear, again, is elemental in women. Even at 65, when it is highly unlikely I would be made a target of a sexual crime, I still feel the fear. My husband wouldn't feel it if walking down the street. My sons wouldn't feel it. Why do we have to take this on?
56
@alecia stevens- I understand your fear but also send my sympathy for your daughter. Glad you got home safely.
I live in a state with a lot of guns and worry about this too. I am 60 years old but still feel like women are targeted by nasty men.
Wishing for a good outcome for your 29 year old daughter.
4
As a male, it took me until I was 28 years old to speak of the sexual abuse which occurred 17 years earlier when I was a boy.
And it only happened then because I had a nervous breakdown. Then I spoke about it almost casually, cavalierly, but never dealing with it.
Finally, in my mid forties, everything crumbled and crashed down on me and I had no choice but to claw my way out and deal with the fallout, or die.
These violations are unimaginable burdens of destruction, distorting all reality and trust, and destroying boundaries and hope for the victim.
Only incredibly callous and unfeeling people could ever comment or think otherwise – one need look no further than Trump to see that.
54
a very eloquently stated personal account that reiterates important messages about why women don't talk about past sexual assaults, why the length of time between the assault and sharing it with others is irrelevant, and why women should not be blamed for the decisions that they make.
14
You are amazing to share your story. It is such a blessing to we who unfortunately understand personally. Thank you and God bless you
7
Thank you for sharing. I was molested by a teenaged male babysitter as a young child. Years later, I asked my mother why my parents hadn't done anything, and she responded, "We didn't want to draw attention to ourselves." She thought being molested was just part of the female experience, something to get over. Thank god we are finally moving beyond that as a society!
34
Thank you Padma for putting yourself out there and telling your story for so many who cannot.
13
#metoo
I had an eerily similar situation. When I was 16 my 22 year old boyfriend wanted sex and I wasn’t ready. One day he did it anyway. I also told later partners I was a virgin because I didn’t consent. Thank you for sharing your story. I feel less alone.
23
Well said you brave woman! I am so sorry this happened to you and applaud you for sharing such a difficult journey! THANK YOU!
10
these assaults are so sad.
You are a great parent but so many parents are clueless. Schools need to teach children how to protect themselves but more importantly how to relate.
How boys and girls should talk to and about each other. Respect can be monitored by teachers and peers. Troubled children can be identified and helped.
More important than math or writing, can you imagine a school that doesn't teach math? What we have is worse and a recipe for such assaults to continue.
3
Thank you
3
@Padma Lakshmi, I am proud of you for speaking out at the right time and right place. You have shone a light on an issue of rape everyone should care for.
Let us review what is at stake with the nomination of Mr. Brett Kavanaugh to the supreme court.
Do we want to have a supreme court that will vote to overturn Roe V Wade and leave a generation of women without control over the most critical decision about their being?
Do we want to have a supreme court that is insensitive to rape victims and has a propensity of ruling against the victim in such cases?
Do we want to empower for life a judge to preside over the lives of our women who had a finger pointed at him?
With this all future generations of girls and women be sent a message that their rape cases won't have a sympathetic hearing in the supreme court, but if one of them is unfortunate enough to get pregnant she won't have a recourse to a legal abortion.
Even the possibility of such a court should send alarm bells ringing thru the senators' mind of the eve of the confirmation hearings. You have no right to condemn half the US population to such a horrible future.
17
Really courageous Op-Ed. Am so sad that this experience is so prevalent for young women. Hope that true justice will be served for the victims...painful to hear these stories...
10
What a beautifully written, brave story. Thank you.
7
Me too!
2
Men and by that I mean almost all men , believe in their own sexual rights. When it comes to women wether it’s their wives, daughters, sisters or strangers, men will in a majority side with a man. They will question the victim extensively. Most not believing. This has been ingrained in our society forever.
4
I disagree. people side with people. no one should be forced to do anything.
1
Thank you for this beautifully written account of a tragic experience in your life. This article is the clearest expression of the agony many women suffer that others have the indecency to dismiss making the victim feel as if it was her fault that a man physically stronger would take advantage of a stronger body. To all those men who violate women and force themselves on them in every way they can by groping, raping, exposing yourself, even verbal sexual harassment: you are all just plain insecure cowards who do not have the ability to seduce women with charm and respect.
10
Most eloquent.
There should be no time limit for sexual assault victims to come forward.
Let’s all be brave and shine light in all the dark, dank places of the human soul.
10
It's so important to remind victims to report rapes. It's great if victim can be a hero and do everything to help authorities win a conviction, but it's not necessary to be perfect. If you know the identity a violent criminal, any violent criminal, then you have a moral obligation to let someone know, through a lawyer, a doctor, or even just an anonymous tip to police. You don't have to testify or insist that you be believed. You just have to get the identity of the violent offender to authorities.
3
Unfortunately, it’s not easy for a woman to report sexual abuse. Look at what is happening to the two women who have come out about what happened to them at the hands of Judge Kavanaugh. I am sure there are more - and I bet they are afraid to make their story public. Who can blame them?
10
Great article. As a victim myself, imagine how long if ever, men wait to tell their stories of rape. I had to wait 35 years - 35 years and counting of dysfunctional relationships and self-loathing. I'm still recovering.
Sexual abuse is an epidemic in our country and the GOP is giving it a free pass. The next time a Republican talks about "family values", I will vomit.
58
@Mack
Your words "dysfunctional relationships and self-loathing" really resonate - I hope you can make it through to the other side, when you know it wasn't because of your lack of value to the world.
10
@Erin thank you. You're right about not valuing yourself. Especially when it's our inclination to blame ourselves. I still do. Baby steps.
1
@Mack
Yes exactly. Baby steps :)
1
You are so brave and powerful in sharing. And you’ve written a script all of us can teach our children. Is mutual respect and regard for another person with in our reach? I hope so and I’m determined to add my voice to ensuring it.
11
To everyone at the NYT, I am so proud of you and thankful for you. And for you, Padma, how stepped up to expose yourself is truly a gift to all women and your daughter. When she is old enough to understand what you have done, she will be so, so proud.
22
Thank you for sharing this very painful experience. Hopefully it will help others in coming forward and finally shedding light on what victims go through.
8
Thank you for sharing your story. As a father of two daughters I truly appreciate your courage in speaking up.
13
this does still not address the he said, she said situation of BK. Until there is independent corroboration of the accusers accusations, all need to be open minded and not rush to judgement one way or the other.
Mob rule appears to be the theme in politics today, with the sentiment expressed on both sides of the aisle. I will destroy you if i do not get my way appears to be the goal. Sad state of affairs for a nation that is suppose to be about law and due process.
Sexual assault is reprehensible, but so is a rush to judgement
3
@SK
Agree. Democrats are calling for an FBI investigation. Trump says no. They do not care about facts. They only care about stacking the court with ultra conservative judges.
10
Agree. Let the FBI investigate. Unfortunately Trump and Senate Republicans are following the same-old path of trashing the women. Shameful.
6
I am probably in the minority who believes that date rape is not as horrific as stranger rape, especially violent stranger rape. I was raped by someone I had dated, plus his friend. It didn't affect me in any way, when all was said and done. It was just sex, and I wasn't harmed. Can we just be honest about this? Let the flaming begin....
5
@Trilby, I'm so sorry this happened to you.
3
@Trilby. Your comment is deeply concerning. Somehow you've quantified the hideousness of rape by asserting date rape, compounded by a second rapist in your specific case, is really okay because you yourself have decided at this point you've not experienced any ill effects. That a rape by a stranger is so much worse, thus worthy of terrible repercussions. Everyone else is just yammering on about no big deal.
Rape is rape is rape. Whether a person has been assaulted by family or friend or coworker or trusted authority figure, it is a horrific crime. Crime, Trilby. An essentially denigrating, violent action against a vulnerable individual by one who has more power.
6
I find your comment troubling.
5
Thank you for sharing this Padma. My family also pushed my abuse by a relative under the rug and tried to pretend everything was fine. After all these years I’m still grappling with everything that happened, but I’m lucky to have a supportive partner and friends to see me through. I always thought I was only one to go through this, but hearing people’s stories makes me feel less alone. That means more than I can say.
15
Thank you, thank you, from all the young women and men who similarly suffered in the silence and shame and can now realize they are not alone and are not at fault. So eloquently written and yet such a tragedy. May your words save many lives.
9
I had an incident when I was 15. I was never sure what to call it. I certainly didn't give my consent.
It wasn't violent and I didn't know what to tell my mom or anyone, so I never said a thing. Not until typing this.
42
@Liz you are brave to even start now
10
Thank you for sharing your story, Padma. I am 38 years old, and was raped when I was in college. I didn't talk about it until 7 years ago when I met my now husband. The event was buried, but somehow I knew it was affecting my ability to be close to him. We have a loving relationship and I needed to tell him. Once I told him, it opened a pandoras box of long-stored emotions; it's taken all of these last 7 years to find a place where I can trust again. The only person I told at the time was my roommate, who dismissed the information like it was nothing (a testament to the place where women feel they belong). I took the message that I shouldn't talk about it. And the rapist ran in the same circle as my brother. I feared that if I spoke up, my brother would end up in jail. I finished college, and later graduated with cum laude honors from law school. But the education didn't matter. That event in college determined my future more than any advanced degree. It took my power completely. I was later sexually harassed by my first boss out of school. Just as before, I walked away...as I had completely lost hope. And so my career had begun. Soon thereafter, I was a J.D. working at a restaurant, where the male owners only hired pretty girls. I had received the message of my worthlessness loud and clear. Now I have my own law practice, and soon will open a yoga studio. But it wasn't easy to find my way back...it was like coming back to life after being nearly dead.
50
@Erin
I am so glad you are coming back to life. The world really needs you. I am increasingly grateful and hopeful for women with law degrees who can relate to what so many of us have gone through.
10
@KLC
Thank you for your kind words, and encouragement! Wishing you healing as well..
1
@Erin
Thank you and thank you to all of you offering compassion in your comments. I feel better reading people's stories, even though it saddens me to read about such deep pain, it is better that we are not all thinking we are the only ones. In our isolation we've all carried pain for far too long. Time to support each other. Time to heal. Time to shine! Good luck to you!!!
2
I thank Padma Lakshmi for opening up and bravely sharing her experience with the world. I believe this is so, so important for everyone's healing.
I wrote something below and I want to state it again. Sexual assault is a poison. It is toxic to a society and I am grateful that we are tackling it by sharing and discussing our experiences. Can you imagine if we were able to reduce sexual assault, even obliterate it?
We have yet to create a generation as free of sexual assault as possible, but when we do, when women (and men) are no longer poisoned by it, our countries, and this world, has the potential to see strength and greatness we have never witnessed before.
I know these conversations are hard, but the fact that we are having them is healthy. We are finally getting somewhere. We are healing.
17
Thank you for opening up about that painful episode in your life, I hope it has been as cathartic for you as it has been educating for us.
I watched the documentary last night 'Get me Roger Stone' whom most people in the US would know as the person who steered Trump to the Presidency.
It beggars belief the dirty tricks that were used to undermine Hillary Clinton and anyone else who stepped in the path of the biggest clown the US has ever seen in politics. Misogynists, bullies, liars, criminals, gangsters who all used sound bites to cast dispersions on decent people. These people are the rapists of morals in our society, eliminate them and only then can we begin to have hope for the future and the safety of women.
11
Thank you. You are an inspiration.
7
Thank you for writing this essay. I am grateful for your courage.
7
Part of the reason the NYT puts this up is because of what's going on with the nomination.. so it's political. Where is the competing article that talks about how false allegations surrounding sexual assault wrecks lives to? This isn't just a woman's issue as Men and women both get assaulted and false allegations are certainly put forth by both sexes.
8
@Roland Maybe because we've all had it with "whataboutism" from Trump, and it surely is out of place in regards Dr. Ford. Can you explain why she would come forward, and why it's Dr. Ford, not Judge Kavanaugh, who is requesting an investigation?
17
@Eileen MacDougall Certainly. A investigation would halt the nomination process and likely force it beyond November when Democrats hope to take control of the house. If they can do that they can block his nomination and potentially future ones made by this president so they do not lose control of the senate for the next 20 years.
@Eileen MacDougall
that should read lose control of the supreme court, not senate. Basically I see it as a stalling tactic to see which way the wind blows in November. A terrible way to go about it though.. but some feel extreme measures are needed to ensure Republicans don't control the Supreme Court.
I am sorry for your suffering. Like you, I've been thrown back to what happened to me 55 years ago. Each day of news: rage, grief, helplessness. A lifetime of sorrow and self-created traumas in reaction to my trust being betrayed:
I was thirteen. My own father, who'd often offer to 'massage me' when I had migraines, that day asked me to lift my jammy top up so he "could work better" and when I did as he asked, his palms slowly grazed my breasts, bareskin.
I also don't remember the season or year. I do recall the room (so I know my age). Frozen like a deer in headlights I watched myself from a corner of the ceiling.
He did myriad other things too w/ no touching, but always, I felt confused and humiliated. I always knew they were inappropriate sexual behaviors. And we were ALWAYS alone at the time.
When he died and I felt only relief, I told my Mom and then my brothers. My Mom only said "you must be mistaken. It must have been one of your brothers". Stunned by her comment she explained she and her brother (who was four years older than her) shared sexual behaviors "...but I liked it."
My brothers still don't believe me. Why? "we saw nothing like that..." Obviously, they weren't invited to THAT party.
Ever since that day, I confuse desire with revulsion.
The first person I ever told was my lover when I was 49. He said "No...woman don't usually cry during or after sex, you are the only woman I've known who does that".
I thought it was normal to cry.
50
You are so right.
Sexual assault hurts us for far longer than we can imagine. We may wish never to think about it, to put our energy into things that we love, but the after effects can impact us in ways we could never predict. And so many women endure this in silence for so many years.
It is demoralizing to see that those in charge of making decisions of enormous consequence are unable and unwilling even to try to understand or recognize this and instead pelt insensitive questions and suspicious dismissals at anyone who overcomes all the difficulties and hesitations and takes the tremendous risk of speaking out.
9
My great uncle died in 2010 at 104. He was a victim of sexual assault when he was 14. The butler at the plantation house was friendly with his mother and would give her gifts of food and hand me downs. He told her his employers were willing to pay someone to help him and asked her to send one of the boys over, she was grateful, because they were poor.
After the assault, my great uncle ran to the pond, scrubbed and scrubbed to try to scrub away what happened. He did not tell anyone until he shared the story with my cousin and me a year or two before his 100th birthday. He was big for a 14 year old so the morning after the attack, knowing his family needed the income, he went to a sugar cane factory, lied about his age and got a job.
He came to America at 18 and he never went back because of the incident. He always wondered if his mother knew what sort of person the butler was, but still sent him anyway. which made him feel so much guilt. He always wondered if his brother closest in age to him, his best friend, suffered the same fate, but could never bring himself to ask him.
That victims don't tell does not diminish the guilt of the perpetrator, the horror they experience, nor the damage done to lives and families. My great uncle loved his parents and and supported them financially but never saw them nor his country after age 18.
I thank the writer and I am sharing my my uncle's story hoping to help create a zero tolerance culture and promote change.
63
It doesn't detract from Ms. Lakshmi's account of being raped while asleep that her article contains a link to an organization making the eyebrow-raising claim that 20% of American women are raped at some point.
The group, NSVRC, cites a CDC report, "National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey," which asserts a similar statistic.
However, Christina Hoff Summers argues in The Washington Post that the CDC report may be wildly inaccurate. She criticizes the survey methodology as sloppy and flawed from the inception.
I invite people to read Ms. Summers's critique via the link below.
Even if President Trump is a dubious source for constantly questioning what he perceives as "fake news," fake news is a serious problem. Albeit in a minor and indirect way, Ms. Lakshmi's article may be contributing to the problem.
But, as stated, that doesn't detract from her main point, which is what happened to her, which is detestable.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/cdc-study-on-sexual-violence-in-...
2
Seemed for a moment there, @Cyclist, that you were going to say that the numbers on sexual assaults were inaccurate due to under reporting across the board.
If Dr. Blasey Ford ever doubts the importance of the enormous sacrifice she has made in order to shed light on a grave problem, all she has to do is read this essay and all the comments to see how her story has surfaced so many other people's stories.
Respect.
5
@One Moment -- No argument. I hope Dr. Blasey gets a good night's sleep tomorrow.
1
Thank you. It’s upsetting that we have to continue to educate individuals why one would wait to report such a crime. Again, thank you for being a voice and advocate.
3
My best friend and my mother were both raped and neither of them ever reported it. This happens far, far, FAR more often than is publicly acknowledged. Thank you for sharing your story and bringing attention to this horrifying reality.
19
“If anybody touches you in your privates or makes you feel uncomfortable, you yell loud. You get out of there and tell somebody. Nobody is allowed to put their hands on you. Your body is yours.”
excellent - good advice for today's kids.
as for your step-relative, so sad that your traditional society cast you out - I've read similar stories about FGM - it appears poor traditional societies value cohesiveness much more than individual rights - as in a raped girl may bring shame on the family so they will kill her to restore the family 'honor' rather than seek justice for a vulnerable female.
That's horrible - but then we used to dunk 'witches' and behead, torture and put people on the rack or burn them alive, so thank heavens we have some modern societies where women can feel more protected.
6
What many men don't get is that teenage girls are often afraid of sexual penetration. In fact, for many of them their first sexual intercourse is painful and shameful even when they have a "nice" boyfriend who tries to be gentle. How frightening and horrible it is when a man robs her virginity by forcing himself upon her. Sadly, the emotional scars of rape may leave women unable to have satisfying sexual relationships.
16
My freshman year at Florida State, I was date raped while very intoxicated after attending a college frat party at Pi Kappa Alpha "Pike" fraternity house. As a freshman, I attended a party at Pike where hunch punch was served and having little experience with alcohol, I became very drunk. I never gave consent to have sex and was barely conscious when it happened but woke up the next morning knowing what had happened because of the pain I was in. This was in 1987. Your courage to come forward does not go without notice and yes, I too have kept mostly silent for the better part of 25 years. I did tell one of my sorority sisters and she was always supportive of me but I never reported it to anyone official. I am still carry shame about the incident and still feel as though part of it was my fault, although I am working on that inner voice. I wish I knew the name of my rapist because i would want to tell people what kind of person he is. But it's been so many years and I've mostly tried to wash it from my mind until recently when the #metoo movement started. I work in nursing now and hope that my experiences can help others by empowering females as they grow from childhood into strong women.
38
I really appreciate your sharing this, Ms. Lakshmi. It is exactly what needs to be said when our representatives think about whether they should allow Mr. Kavanaugh to be on the Supreme Court.
"Those messages should be very clear as we consider whom we appoint to make decisions on the highest court."
Mr. Kavanaugh knows the truth, and yet he denies it. His friend was there, but refuses to testify. Christine Blasey Ford passed a lie detector test. I believe it would be a great idea to have Mr. Kavanaugh take a lie detector test too, and his good buddy, Mark Judge, take a lie detector test.
Mr. Trump has had many affairs. He denies all of them. Yet, the truth is known. It is time for the truth to matter and it is time for consequences for harming Christine Blasey Ford. It doesn't matter that it happened a long time ago. We need honorable people to be Supreme Court justices. Mr. Kavanaugh, like the President who supports him, is not honorable.
18
Wow Padma — you are so brave and courageous and are such an inspiration for any woman who may have been shamed by Donald Trump and the same, old-school, conservative MAGA, sexist, bullsh*t, “boys will be boys attitude.”
We can only pray that America will wake up sooner rather than later..................
8
I too am sorry for your experience and understand debilitating scarring from sexual assault. However, picking this emotionally charged and historic moment to share your story is politically calculating and seems selfish. I am in a fog and numb. I am hoping that Dr. Ford who may or may not be telling the truth about her chance encounter is not unfairly judged by your articulate relationship story that could in fact diminish her testimony. We need be careful about using other people's trauma to advance our media value. In this instance, that is how your story struck me.
7
@Mark Singleton
If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
Time does not diminish the crime - the whole point of this story is to show a common bond. To call it political is an insult to the author.
15
And one more reason women don’t tell. When they do they are held up by people never to suffer this act to scrutiny. Just proved point for not coming forward.
8
Wait! Aren’t YOU calculating in political terms?
7
As the father of two daughters, I thank you for your courage. As a co-survivor of sexual assault, I am thankful for your example.
24
Do you know why so many men sexually abuse females?
Because they can get away with it, over and over again.
It is highly unlikely they will get reported or prosecuted, ever.
They do it with impunity.
33
Thank you for your courage. There are so many of us out there...know that you are NOT alone. We are a sisterhood of survivors.
As you probably know, reporting rape can be as traumatic as the actual event. It was 1976 for me and I was in college. I shouldn't have bothered reporting it as nothing was done about it and I was questioned as if I were the offender.
Forty two years later there are some details that are terrifyingly clear and yet, I could not tell you what season it was, much less the date. Traumatic memory just works like that.
More of us need to tell our stories. Women need to be believed.
29
“Most men have no idea how truly traumatic sexual assault is. The science on the subject is pretty clear: according to the New England Journal of Medicine, rape is about four times more likely to result in diagnosable PTSD than combat.” …from the New England Journal of Medicine.
23
Your story is terrible, and I am sorry it happened to you. But here is my dilemma, if you had come forward and your assailant was charged with rape, and he denied it as surely and sincerely as you just described it and I was on the jury that had to decide his fate, I would have to find him innocent.
The principal of innocent beyond a reasonable doubt until proven guilty impels me to. If the only evidence is your story and his, I can’t honestly say that I would know who is telling the truth. I don’t know how women who were date raped get justice and I don’t think we, as a society, have come up with a good solution yet. Simply always assuming victims are telling the truth means that some innocent people will go to jail and in our criminal justice system we are supposed to err on letting the guilty go free rather than wrongly convicting the innocent.
I know there is a difference between destroying someone’s career and sending them to jail but it is only a difference of degree. If you are innocent than you shouldn’t suffer at all and innocent people are being swept up in the #metoo movement.
I believe you, but I can’t be certain enough to find someone guilty of a crime.
6
It sounds like you don’t believe her. You are confirming the reason that this woman, myself, and countless others don’t report! Because we aren’t believed, or we aren’t believed “enough”.
6
@Lisa Anyone who is honest would admit that it is impossible to believe anyone with certainty. Haven't you ever been lied to.
You can vote guilty just on a victim's testimony if you find her believable and if you were actually on a jury, that would be explained. So it's contradictory to say that you believe Padma but still wouldn't vote guilty. If you belive her, then you believe he's guilty. If you believe her, there's no doubt.
5
Thank you Ms Lakhmi. I was date rape at 15. I went home and never talk about it till my daughter turned 15, I am 57 years old. I grew up in a conservative Catholic family. "Good girls" were expected to marry virgins. Speaking out awarded the victim an invisible " Scarlet leter". No family, community or church support for the victim, it was her fault, she could had avoided.
Same culture that made possible the sexual abuses of Catholic priest . Has any one watch "Filomena"? or "The Keepers"?
look no further why we did not call the police!
17
Thank you for sharing...
6
Thank you, Padma.
5
Padma, thank you for sharing your terrible and powerful story. I’m sorry this happened to you, but you do good in the world for sharing at this moment when people question a woman’s motive for deciding that the time has come when she cannot stay silent.
14
Thank you, Ms. Lakshmi, for your bravery in sharing your experience with sexual assault. I hope the voices of women speaking out will change things for the better.
I lost my virginity at age 14 to a rape in the 1970s. I was drinking and smoking pot with a group of people, and lost consciousness for a while. When I came to, I was naked in a bed and a man I'd met only hours earlier was on top of me. I told him, "No, don't, I'm a virgin!" He said, "No, you're not!" and penetrated me. It was painful, I was crying, and there was blood all over the white comforter.
Afterward, I did not tell my mother. I'd heard my parents discussing a rape publicized in the newspaper. " I can still hear my mother's voice saying, "Awww, she was asking for it!"
I didn't go to the police. I blamed myself. I thought I must have seduced him. Many years passed before I realized I'd actually been raped. He was an adult. I weighed less than 100 pounds, was under the age of consent, and was saying no.
Yes, I was drunk and in the wrong place at the wrong time. Does that mean I deserved to be raped? No! The man probably doesn't remember me or the incident.
I'm sick of the way women are blamed and men are excused for their predatory sexual behavior. Even men/boys raped or abused by other men don't rush to report it. There is great shame in being a victim. Predators only regret being caught. We must change this.
105
I'm beginning to think that women who have been molested and raped are the biggest silent majority in the entire world. No matter how it happened, or when, most of us told no one at the time. we all felt alone and afraid that we were responsible somehow, or we were sure that we would be punished.
We weren't responsible but the world does have a way of punishing women who tell the truth about males who exploit them. Our responses were individual - shared by so many - but we didn't know.
This is one amazing consequence of @MeToo: we know. We have to support one another.
60
My seventeen year old niece went on her first date, to the movies with a boy two years her senior from her math class. The lights went down and he was all over her. She did not know what to do, was embarrassed and confused as to her responsibility in this for eliciting his desire. So she went along with it, feeling ashamed for not speaking up. She was too ashamed and conflicted to tell her parents, and thought her dad might do something unpredictable to the boy.
“What kind of feminist am I?” she asked me. “A normal human being who does not know exactly what to do when surprised by someone,” I told her. “You have nothing to be ashamed of. He should not have launched himself at you without asking you ever if you were okay with this. Do you want to speak to him or him and his parents, along with me? Let him know this was not okay?” “No, I’m too embarrassed. But I’m never going out with him again.” “Well,next time you know you will be able to speak up.” “Yes.”
I truly believe that if we can remove the shame of recipients of unwanted contact, we can stop this lifelong scourge to people’s psyches. Talking, revealing, finding understanding and validation — we can change the culture around sexuality.
21
I wonder how many Senators have family members who have survived sexual assault, and how many Senators actually know they have family members who have survived sexual assault. My guess is that those percentages are on opposite ends of the spectrum.
24
Thank you so much for bravely sharing your story. Like so very many girls and women, I also suffered sexual assault as a young girl and never said a word. Silence doesn’t make it any less true and that men routinely taunt and blame victims with this undeniable fact makes it all the more painful and infuriating.
12
Thank you for your brave and honest piece.
17
I read this clearly beautiful woman's article, and I read the comments, and I just shake my head.
A lot of hard questions have to be asked here of all sides for this movement in American Life to get off the proverbial dime, and move ahead, and I don't see ANY of them being asked here.
To the extent that these questions are not asked, this situation is going to remain in a netherworld where articles like this are the norm, and the rage of women, and the depression of women, and the other maladaptive behaviors of women keep being repeatedly reported, but will ultimately not be resolved, either by them, or by society.
So good questions to ask would be:
* How does religion play into this;
* How does socialization play into this;
* How does culture play into this;
* How does family life play into this:
The foregoing (and given time I could probably list more) fall under the category of enculturation.
Here's another good question: why does the same act affect one person one way, and one person another? Why does a sexual act impact worth? Who's responsibility is it if a person feels of less worth as a result of some sexual act - the supposedly victim? The perpetrator? Society?All three? More?
Until we get serious about some of these things - including attacking the taboos in our society, and not allowing those things to be sacred cows (no pun intended), I question how far we're going to get towards good resolutions and remedies for this situation.
4
>>Afterward, he said, “I thought it would hurt less if you were asleep.”
Chilling.
16
Thank you, Padma.
1
In 1973, I was raped by my college boyfriend. Like Padma, there was not only deficient language to express that back then, but I was also threatened by my boyfriend that if I told anyone he would kill me and my parents. He kept me hostage in a relationship with him until I figured out a way to go to grad school in another city.
I am 66 now. I never told anyone about this rape until "MeToo" made me feel safe. I didn't even tell my closest girlfriends, any subsequent boyfriend or husband, my mother, no one.
I know how this violent crime affected my life. I can still recall it like it was yesterday, how he smelled, how he tied my hands and feet, duct taped my mouth, how he straddled me, how his eyes looked when he raped me.
Trump, and the GOP, saying that Dr. Ford's memory must be foggy, that she is mistaking their Supreme Court candidate for someone else, clearly says they know nothing about survivors of rape or any other violent crime. Otherwise, these elderly senators, who grew up during the same time period as me, are playing an unethical, corrupt political game at the expense of Dr. Ford's suffering, and all of our suffering.
72
It's totally understandable to wait to report a rape or sexual assault. That the victim's prerogative 100%.
But personally I think it's also true that at some point waiting long enough should bar any criminal punishment or civil claim based solely on the accusation (absent any sort of other direct evidence that could tip the scales).
At some point, it becomes unfair to the accused that the accuser chose to wait so long. Because at some point any potential defenses, alibis, witnesses, evidence, etc. become harder to prove/assert/discover. Leaving just a he-said/she-said dilemma.
You really have to put your self in the shoes of both the accuser and the accused, imagining both to be in the right hypothetically.
To me, this is a basic tenet of justice and due process. Now are those same principles implicated in something outside of legal prosecution like being terminated from a job due to a #metoo accusation? I want to say yes. To me, the same notions of justice and fair play should apply -- it's simply not "fair", "just" or "right" -- as a matter of ethics not legal principles --that a person could lose a job due to a he-said/she-said claim from 30 years ago.
What if I was wrongfully accused of something like that from decades ago--how could I possible rebut it? Should I lose my job unless I can prove a negative?
Now does this apply to this Supreme Court nomination? That is a harder question for me that I'm still just not sure about.
3
@Mmm
Please respond to my question:
Did you actually READ all of the accompanying women’s and men’s stories of being raped in this comment section?
If you had, you’d know that these victims’ lives were detrimentally changed/altered. I’m guessing from reading your comment that they don’t “count” or that they weren’t remembering the event correctly but that the perpetrator’s job/denial does count....REALLY?
And MORE importantly, you say nothing of the perpetrator needing to acknowdge his actions and then to apologize to the victim....Silence strongly condones and perpetuates wrong doing. What do you say to my response?
7
@morna prince I suppose I'd reply that articles like these and the testimonials you point to might help encourage people to come forward with their accusations in timely fashion, and that might be a good thing for society at large.
But I'm not sure your point goes to the argument about the inherent unfairness of adjudicating a claim many years later due to the accuser's decision to wait to assert it.
The same notions underlie the concept of a statute of limitations, which is a ubiquitous legal protection around the world.
To those who think what Kavanagh did in high school was just what boys do, ask your daughters about rape. Your daughters may have their own secrets.
7
Thank you. If we stand together we will be louder.
8
I was raped at the age of 17 and now at 67 I still don't talk about it. I should.
25
Thank you for telling your story. #metoo
A family friend exposed himself to me when I was a kid. When I told my mother, she said it had to be "an accident." It was her best friend's husband. If she had chosen to believe me, what would have that meant for her?
When I was sexually assaulted when in middle school--by two classmates who grabbed me and groped me at the lockers to chants of "rape her," I didn't report it. Instead, I looked up the word "rape" in the dictionary.
I already had learned that I would not be believed if I spoke up. Those encounters continue to affect me decades later. I agree with you, "the woman pays the price for the rest of her life, and so do the people who love her."
52
Brace words. thank you.
1
Hopefully all women and girls will follow Ms. Lakshmi's example. SPEAK UP! If you were assaulted or abused in the past, SPEAK UP! Report your abuser. You have a voice, use it. Women have the power to change this dynamic-and stop the cycle of shame and silence. SPEAK UP!
5
@db cooper Just read the comments here, will you, and try and understand why women still won't speak up, despite your exhortation. Why not ask those who did the raping and the molestation and the harassment to SPEAK UP?
4
We, almost ALL of us Indian women here were raped, abused and aborted in India! And not just at 16, but at much younger ages! We did nothing to attract it, though we were repeatedly told, Kharab chal chalawi, meaning we were attracting it! Tell me how 6 and 11 year olds attract sex, other than just being female! And none of us could speak about it! It was either family, politicians or even “servants!” We had to shut up or we wouldn’t find an appropriate match! Some of us, certainly me, ran away! Fortunately we could get into US universities and never return! It destroyed our fertilities, our Love lives and even maybe affected our children because of the distances we developed! This is NOT new in India! Under the blanket of spirituality there is real lascivious ness and perversion! Sex is on everyone’s mind and it plays out on girls and boys! How one changes it when there is such pretense of spirituality, I don’t know! At least those of us who are here can speak about it! Those in India, and the rest of South Asia, simply cannot!
16
That's ridiculous. Any number of women living in India do speak out. And where exactly is your data to state that almost all Indian women are raped?
Indian woman writing by the way
@reader
Here you go, my doubtful Desi sister:
https://www.cnn.com/2018/06/25/health/india-dangerous-country-women-surv...
1
NYT Logic: Padma Lakshmi says she was raped at 16 and told no one, therefore Bret Kavanaugh can be declared guilty of sexual assault alleged to have occurred 36 years ago for which no evidence has been presented other than the word of the alleged victim. Shameful. Have we come to this?
3
@Andrew Coulter: no, it means that "not speaking up at the time" does NOT equal "did not happen".
8
I was sexually assaulted (hit, choked) by a man I was dating when I was 31.
The first time I told anyone? This past week.
17 years later.
63
As a victim of sexual abuse as a child (you don’t want to know) and as a therefore vulnerable emotionally blind adult (due to various childhood traumas) which undoubtedly led to more “incidents” I must say all the Me Too confessions on these pages and everywhere have helped me immensely. When I see men on television “confessing” (with nothing to confess to!) I am particularly moved - it must be so hard for them - even harder than for we women! My burden is shared - I don’t carry it alone. I want to thank all of us for saying it out loud. THANK YOU - THANK YOU - THANK YOU and always remember it wasn’t your fault.
23
Respect. Your disclosure will help protect girls and boys.
8
I have had one drunken sexual encounter over 20 years ago that I regret to this day. I did not rape the young woman involved, but we were both very drunk. I, however, remember every detail of the night. She, from what I heard second hand, did not. This, alone, is a damning indictment of my behavior.
I was wrong. I was at fault. She said "yes" affirmatively. But I was still wrong. I remember it. She didn't. That's enough for me to be wrong. I can't claim to have not known that at the time. I don't have an excuse. I only have regrets.
17
Tell us the name of your rapist. Shame him. Let him face what he did to you. Let the online community do to him what he did to you.
There are entirely too many women who have been assaulted but who refuse to name those who have assaulted them.
Naming him is the next step in dealing with the atrocity that was done to you.
Let’s get names out there. Let everyone who has committed assault, or who might do so in the future know that one way or another they will pay deeply for their acts of cruelty.
9
I applaud Ms Lakhmi for coming out no matter how late.
Tragedy is even now we have a party and President who believe in boys will be boys. No they won’t be if they are punished so they never attempt another rape.
3
And if you'd gotten pregnant, there are men who would have made you have the baby. Thank you so much for speaking out. Please, going forward, when you tell your story again, do not speak of the clothes you were wearing. You know it's irrelevant, but you told us anyway. You don't have to tell us. Had you been stark naked he still wouldn't have had the right to rape you.
44
Thank you for sharing.
5
Name the man.
30
I was nearly gang raped many years ago when I was 18 and invited to a party at a medium sized midwestern city where I lived. It was a set up w/ 15 - 20 guys (and no, I had not been drinking). I shamed them when they moved on me and I physically fought back. One said - "go ahead and scream - the neighbors are on vacation & no one can hear you with the storm widows down."
When they finally gave up and released me and I was pulling my clothing together the leader of the assault said "if you ever say anything to anyone - especially the police - we will KILL you & harm your family." He added: "We know where you live."
Since I was - successful - in my attempt to fight off half a dozen guys holding me down, ripping off my clothes w/4 of them holding my arms and legs while one guy moved to rape me as the others watched (he lost his "nerve") - I got through the trauma without serious psychological damage.
I never said anything to anyone until about 45 years later. Even then - about two years ago - this story is too painful for the few people I have talked to about it. Most feel there is nothing they can say other than - sorry, and you were brave. They mainly feel embarrassed by this shared secret from so long ago,
I hope those "guys" can remember what they did all those years ago now that it's in the news, & that they think about their behavior then.
Years later, one of them was a principal at an elementary school where I worked as a teacher. He avoided me at every turn.
85
Thank you, Padma.
6
"On Friday, President Trump tweeted that if what Dr. Ford said was true, she would have filed a police report years ago."
A restatement of Traitor Trump's comment should be followed by the fact that he's a sexual predator and a buffoon. He isn't deserving of the title "President." No "Mr." either. Just "Trump."
29
I was sexually assaulted as a 10-year old boy in 1980. There, I said it. To this day, I have never told a soul. Not one. My molestation was the result of a ruse in which, if I did not obey this man's wishes, my family would be reported to the immigration authorities (not fully grasping at the time that we were actually legal immigrants with green cards). So he coerced me into his car where he proceeded to stick his fingers deep inside of me and orally manipulating my privates. I had to weigh my fear and disgust of what was happening against my fear of what may occur if I resisted. Almost immediately after the incident, I realized that I had been fooled, and I felt ashamed that I let this monster have his way with me. My parents would have called me stupid and would have probably punished me for being so stupid. My friends would have probably laughed at me and I would never be able to show my face in school again.
Many years later, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about this. The stench of BO and smoke in that man's car. His long, frizzy, unkempt hair. The potential consequences if I had tried to run away... would I have been another one of those kids found dead, naked and alone in the woods? If I had spoken up at the time (late 1970s), would anything be different? Would I not be riddled with self-doubt and trust issues?
Padma, thank you for sharing your experience with us. I hope it was as cathartic for you as it was for me.
53
Thank you for sharing, sister.
2
Thank you.
1
@UKJ It doesn't help to know that so very many of us have gone through being sexually abused, and me, as a trusting child of the sixties, more than once. I only once told friends, a couple who worked in the same office who really didn't respond. All three were architects and the perpertrature was employed by my friends. I had gone to dinner with him and he took me upstairs to my apartment. i asked him to leave and he put his hands on my throat and told me to sit down. He didn't touch me but would not leave my apartment. I was terrified. Nothing happened to him. He wasn't fired and I did not have expectations that he would be. It was a different time. it never occured to me to go to the police. Yes, #TIME IS UP! I think that all of us bringing this up will be of help to the younger generation and to all powers that be. No more. (Except of course Trump. He will never get it).
14
@truthwillpersist
Your story reminds me of a friend who asked someone up to her apartment for coffee after a date: he start to push her for sex and she not just told him to get out, but physically fought him off.
A few days later she received a letter from the landlord indicating that neighbors complained about the noise she made that night. She was calling for help.
7
So well stated. Thank you.
You've helped people -- women at least -- today.
(Men, I fear, are forever in criminal denial.)
Your message to your daughter is huge, and so empowering.
Things will change with her and subsequent generations. More and more they will shout bloody murder when some lingering Neanderthal crosses that line, and they will not be victimized.
3
Padma, thank you for sharing your experience. I am so very sorry you had to go through that.
Over the past year, after initiating many conversations with friends, family and acquaintances about sexual assault, what horrifies me is how dreadfully common sexual assaults are and how equally common a victim's silence. This needs to change.
People of integrity (men and women), we need to unite to ensure that experiences like Padma's are the exception, not the rule. We need to do this to protect ever person - girl, boy, woman and man- from sexual assault.
5
Wow. Thank you Padma for this courageous, clear, and painful piece. Somehow the idea that a teenage girl would report a crime like this just because she had “caring parents” is an insulting and bizarre conflation of unrelated issues. You’ve powerfully described the protracted impact of being violated and it is notable that even just 20 years ago we lacked a language to discuss this issue adequately. May this piece continue to further and deepen our national conversation on the pain of sexism and privilege (for everyone), as well as the lifelong implications of sexual trauma.
4
Me too. I was 15.
5
Dr, Ford's courage has allowed me to speak openly about my own experience. For this I thank her. I was assaulted when I was a teenager by a group of 'good Catholic' boys... No matter how much time passes (I'm now 71), the memory remains... Yes I had been drinking and so had the boys. This is not consent to rape... I wasn't given a chance to fight back or say no... It was not right... I read of Judge Kavanaugh's environment when the alleged rape occurred and it is almost a carbon copy of my experience.... There were boys who did not participate so they all had a choice. I had none... In the case of male on female rape the male is at fault...
15
Brett Kavanaugh did not rape Ms. Lakshmi. Any implication, as this piece makes, that Kavanaugh should in any way be held responsible for another persons actions is beyond reprehensible, especially coming from someone associated with the ACLU.
4
@Matthew
She didn't say that. The point is that the majority of sexual assaults go unreported, and the president and men in the Senate refuse to investigate an alleged assault because it wasn't reported at the time it happened. Get as clue.
6
@Matthew - you are so sure - where you in the room?
I was raped at age 19 by my best friend's old brother. We had all been partying in the basement - his girlfriend was even there.
I told everyone good night and went upstairs.
I was coming out of the bathroom and into the bedroom when he appeared in the doorway and followed me to the bed. I was completely shocked and told him to get away from me. I could not understand what was going on. He raped me and left.
I never told anyone. Even when I found out I was pregnant. I got an abortion and moved on with my life.
If he was running for office, I would still keep quiet. I have always felt I had far more to lose by speaking up then just shutting up.
But I do not judge anyone who comes forward the day after rape or even 50 years.
8
@C - glad you found the courage to write it here. I hope, but doubt, he will read it. Maybe his best friend or girlfriend will read it or maybe he will deal with it at my age (84) - the mills of the godsgrind slowly but they grind exceedingly small...........
3
Thank you, Padma. Not only are you beautiful on the outside, but your bravery today proves that you are beautiful inside as well. Yes, you had nothing to gain by sharing this. But, we do all collectively have a lot to lose if we don’t share and mourn these horrifying stories. So thank you. I’m very sorry you experienced that. My anger dictates right now and I urge you to publicly shame this scoundrel who did this to you - he deserves to hang his head in shame. Don’t let him off easy today, either. Name him. Don’t be silent anymore.
3
This story illustrates the duplicitous nature of offenders: we often don't know who they are: they show people the side of themselves they want them to see.
Girls should have no shame or fear in reporting inappropriate behavior, and schools should teach kids how to avoid getting into situations where there is a potential for wrongdoing. Authorities should act appropriately and quickly, and rapists should get quick punishment.
2
@M You leave out "And everyone should teach boys and men not to rape." Your emphasis was on training victims, not on those who did the crimes.
4
This is a moving piece and many of us women feel your pain.Society will judge your character and everything under the sun except the man, that’s the ugliness of the world we live in especially countries like India.But by writing this piece you have provided hope to many of us stand up and expose these bullies and criminals.So badly wish we all could be so bol
3
This is somewhat difficult to write, but I hope it truly helps someone. When Me Too took place last October 15, starting on Twitter and then going to Facebook, I didn’t know who I was for three, four days.
33 years ago in 1985 when I was 25, I had to get out of being raped. It took my man hood away, having confidence and of course having a lot of anger. A lady friend has told me that is why I have the upmost respect for women, the pain they go through not only physically but of course mentally and within that Emotionally.
I’ve been in therapy sometimes twice every week for 18 and a half years. I still have nightmares. It took me 10 years and two and a half months to get over the anger, and just this past January I finally found some confidence, 32 and a half years after this took place.
Thank you everyone for reading. Being sincere, this happens of course to men as well. And it’s left a mark on me.
Don Johnston
[email protected]
16
@DonnieStats I’m sorry - my nephew half told me he had been “tampered with” - died of an overdose - age 32. Glad therapy is working for you - I think it saved my life.
4
i‘m 65 now and i still haven‘t even found the courage to look at what has happened to me when i was very small... there have been these pictures spontaneously coming, together with a lot of tears, a couple of times in my life... once they came during an osteopatic treatment, another time during a deep tissue massage... but i always refused to look at them closer... even when i was told by a psychologist that i would only be able to heal by knowing what exactly had happened... i never talked to anyone of my family about it but for a very long time blamed my mother for not having been able to protect me from whatever had hurt that little girl sooo badly... no i have forgiven her... maybe she just didn‘t know that child of hers any better as to realize that there was something badly wrong... i have had a good life but i am sure that my intimate relationships have been influenced negatively
5
I am so sorry this happened to you, and I totally believe you.
Seven years ago a male married friend tried to strangle me with a dog leash in an impulsive fit of jealousy. I didn't go to the police. It would have been my word against his, and I figured he is crazy, it would make him even crazier and there would be nobody to protect me 24/7. I didn't even cut off all contact with him immediately, as I wanted to know what he was up to. I kept things calm and low-key, and phased out all contact with him completely over time.
What I did do immediately, though, was told everybody I knew about the assault - my friends, sister, everybody. And I told him if anything happened to one hair on my head, all these people knew his name and where he lived.
Maybe this response sounds stupid, but there are countless dead women who thought they were protected by restraining orders. I was going on gut instinct, not so much wanting justice or revenge so much as just to live.
So I understand hesitation about going to police and possibly upping the ante on a terrifying situation. I do think a woman would tell friends and/or family, but if there is really nobody you can tell, at least write a detailed account of the assault, mail it to yourself and stick the letter in a safety deposit box, unopened.
10
This is a moving piece and many of us women feel your pain.Society will judge your character and everything under the sun except the man, that’s the ugliness of the world we live in especially countries like India.But by writing this piece you have provided hope to many of us stand up and expose these bullies and criminals.So badly wish we all could be so bold.
2
I'm so sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve it. You did not ask for it and your strength to speak about it is helping others.
5
Wow. By the online testimonies following Kavanaugh's accusations, I am starting to think ALL or most women went through this. I also went through a tentative rape at age 17 and only told people years later. I hope this uproar will make men rethink what they do to us when we're young and the years of trauma that ensue.
10
G - I have known 3 women friends who have been raped (yes, I believe them) plus one whose father was jailed for doing so and I have a hard time remembering a woman telling me “no one ever tried to touch me”.
3
I hope the man that did this to you will be exposed and face some accountability. It shouldn't be too late.
6
Dear Padma -
This was not your fault. What you wore had no bearing, nor did whether you were drinking or whether you were ambiguous about your desires. You were raped by a man who waited until you were asleep so that your (lack of) consent was not an issue to him. He was - and is- a criminal for what he did to you, as was the stranger who assaulted me in January of 1982.
My assailant tried to rape me, but my real rape was accomplished by the legal system when he was allowed to plead to misdemeanor assault. He was given a deferred sentence and judgment, so 180 days after pleading guilty to attacking me, the case was dismissed. In other words, he has NO criminal record, despite attempting a class 1 felony. I vehemently protested, and demanded to know, "Why?!"
The prosecutor felt that a felony sexual assault
conviction might "prejudice this young man's future." I had certainly hoped it might!
Instead, he returned to his partying with his frat brothers at his prestigious university. I left my highly selective college to try an overseas study-abroad program for a year. I needed to be away from everything familiar to try to regroup.
If this man EVER came up for any significant appointment, I would tell EVERYONE I could, even though it has been 35+ years since this happened. Trump just does not get it, at all. You do. I do. Many others do. One does not need to have been assaulted to understand, but one does need to be able to think.
21
@Elizabeth Don't wait for "when". Name the wretch NOW.
And for you - do so safely. He's already admitted the attack - and Trumps of the world can't say you didn't report it.
My sister was raped and she never got over it. She was only 16 and she met the guy at Rittenhouse Park in Philly where so many kids (teens) hung out and met and had fun - no big deal - all the time. He was a black belt in karate, took her to his bedroom, tied her up and raped her. My sister trusts no one now. And, worse, she won't talk to me. I remind her of what I know about her past. I am the worst news ever, I remember. I, myself, have wriggled out of more than a dozen pinned-down near-rapes -- got out of one man's apartment with only one shoe and felt lucky to have made it out. He was Israeli and had been in the army and he was strong. You think you're going to sit on the couch like on Frazier, you're going to have a glass of wine and you're going to have the "all night talk" where your souls both merge together and you realize you were meant to be together forever. Then suddenly you've got a 200+ man on top of you ripping off your clothes. They are dividing this on gender lines and I object. Women protect these men. Mothers say "boys will be boys." This should not be a gender issue, this is a human rights issue. We all have the right to live our lives without sexual violence.
17
I was raped at five years old. Repeatedly, over months by a neighbor's 17 year old son. He said he was going to marry me. I tried going to my mother because I could not understand what was happening and she did not believe me. I am 58 and just shared this for the first time with a friend about this shame that I have carried with me my entire life. Fortunately she is also a really good therapist.
17
Ms. Lakshmi thank you for sharing your account of date rape. I was just 15 and a virgin when I was date raped by a 19 year old man. I was ashamed and traumatized by what happened and never told my parents about it. The man said I was "just another notch on his belt". To make matters worse he passed along an STD to me. He reluctantly called me and told me to report to the local Health and Human Services Department for treatment. When I told him I thought my acne medicine was causing my vaginal discomfort he immediately took that out of context and told all of the other young girls and women that he had infected that I was the source of the STD. I didn't have a job, didn't have a checkbook, didn't have a car, didn't have a gynecologist, and so I lied to my brother and he loaned me some money for "some personal hygiene items". That money paid for my treatment. At school I was threatened and harassed by a few of the other girls who had been with this man. Luckily a very nice young man, who I later married and am still married to, listened to my story and instructed me to ignore the rapist and his friends. I stopped answering their calls and after about 2 weeks they had moved on. I am now 55 years old and I will never forget what happened to me on that fateful night. My heart aches for anyone who has been through a similar trauma.
17
Rape is crime. It has always been even when the law wrote otherwise. Whether it is by teenagers or men in their seventh decade, it is a crime. As examples we have a teenaged white boy from a northeastern private school involved in a "senior salute" and a man like Cosby whose non criminal accomplishments are legion. Ms. Lakshmi, I know that your experiences were not unusual. Speaking about them still is.
3
It is interesting that Trump, who has bragged about grabbing women by their genitals, regards Dr. Ford's unreported sexual assault as not "serious" enough to have moved her to go to the authorities or her parents. Because she didn't, he sees her reporting it now as a Democratic "con." By this logic every women on whom he has forced himself but who didn't report it had an unimportant experience. I doubt that he would see it that way, considering how much enjoyment he apparently takes in the prospect of doing it.
We can wonder why Trump, McConnell, et al., assume that a woman who reports such behavior is lying or playing a game. Why isn't their response a dutiful willingness to investigate her claim and find out whether it is true?
I doubt that they have been reading the comments and articles by women both famous and not about the ways sexual assault affected them, particularly about the silence that they have kept. It is a pity that there is no way for women--old or young, Democrat or Republican--to sit down face-to-face with these powerful men and question them about their attitudes: about WHY they are immediately certain that a report such as Dr. Ford's is categorically untrue. Perhaps they think that it might be true but that it obviously was not a serious experience worth reporting all those years ago. That is the best I can suppose about them--but even that would reveal fundamental attitudes toward women that are unkind, stupid, and lazy.
5
To Padma and all commenters
Old white man here with sister, wife, daughter and some women friends. I had no idea girls and women were so vulnerable
I’m so sad and so very angry
27
A very moving story. Yet it absolutely does not price the esteemed Judge’s guilt. Nor does the accusation even indicate rape. Yawn.
@Joe Yoh I dar e you to show your comment and this article to your female relatives, friends, colleagues, and acquaintances.
2
Mr. Trump has not an empathetic bone in his body. And yet millions of Americans continue to support this monster. Try as I might, I just don't get it.
12
Powerful words. I understand #metoo.
1
Bravo! You are brave!
2
A few years but not thirty-five years!
@Don Juan Feel that way about the priests who did the same, 35 years ago?
7
Thank you for sharing your story. They haven't yet tapped the surface of the sexual abuse women endure.
3
Thank you Ms.Lakshmi for your article. As George Santayana said, "those of us who cannot remember the past,are condemned to repeat it." Trump doesn't get it because he's a serial predator who has a sense of entitlement and no remorse.. Just one last thing I'm guilty of racially profiling India because before I started reading your piece I thought for sure you were raped in India,and not Puente Hills, California. My bad.
3
I was raped when I was 88 years old and I have never told anyone. This happens to so many people who never even tell others who are close to them. I felt ashamed and that it must have been my fault.
16
@Aeryn. Omg - you poor dear. I am 84. Carry on - he will rot in hell!
2
@Aeryn
I'm so sorry, Aeryn!
1
@Aeryn Perhaps you already know this but rape is about power. It can unfortunately happen to anyone even older people. Please don't feel ashamed about it: it is not your fault. I hope you find someone you can confide to discuss your feelings and heal. As a geriatrician, I know my colleagues would not judge you or treat you any differently than someone younger reporting rape.
2
"The lesson was: If you speak up, you will be cast out." EXACTLY why women and girls don't speak up about sexual improprieties.
I'm reading a lot of "I'm sorry this happened to you" and "thank you for your courage" in the comments section, as if most of the female readers out there haven’t been, at some point in their life, on the receiving end of sexual offenses.
Cheap feels, lewd comments, sexual innuendo, lecherous stares, gropes, grabs, forced kisses…these are all sexual assaults.
Did you speak up? Were you courageous? Or did you, like most, not rock the boat because you knew what the outcome would be?
That’s okay – you can have your say in November.
7
Sexual predation of another is the ultimate personal invasion of another's sanctity. This is never forgivable or acceptable.
7
Mr. President, may I direct you to today's New York Times and in particular the guest op-ed column, "Padma Lakshmi: I Was Raped at 16 and Kept Silent" by the host of the reality show "Top Chef." You not only did the wrong thing by slamming the alleged victims of Brett Kavanaugh's long-ago acts of sexual assault (assuming that he ever sexually assaulted adolescent girls and/or grown women), but you also picked the wrong venue and-at least as far as said NYT column is concerned, the wrong time to do so.
6
Every time Trump or McConnell smear the women coming forth to tell what happened to them (and in Trump's case he not only smears the women accusing Kavanaugh but any woman who has the temerity to describe his own behavior), I think about the price women pay when they accuse powerful men. What a sad and eloquent description of what being raped does to a young woman. But the truth is that these men--Trump, McConnell, and Kavanaugh and the rest of the swamp creatures surrounding them--see women as nothing but lesser creatures to be used and disposed of like so much trash. But it's not the women who are the trash.
7
I was raped with a gun held to my head by someone I didn't know so it had to be reported. If I could spare my parents having to know that happened I would have done it. I have never spoken to any of my family about it because it's too painful. I can bear it but I choose to protect my family, we were all young. I totally understand keeping quiet and admire everyone who shares their story.
10
Thank you for your courage to speak out, and for your support of others. I am sad for you and others to whom such abhorrent things have happened. But, sadness and regret do not change the past. We must change the present and the future. And, we must hold those responsible for what they have done to others accountable.
The Senate is trying to railroad through a supreme court nominee member of an old boys's club without due process, proper investigation, not calling relevant witnesses (Judge). This must not happen.
Check this link. Go to minute 5:00 and watch. What happened at Georgetown must not stay at Georgetown. Never again. https://www.washingtonpost.com/education/2018/09/19/what-happens-georget...
2
I am 70 years old and I still bear the wounds of a rape at the age of 19. Yes sexual assault stays with you all your life; a festering mental wound that circles around in your head and cannot get out. Even with therapy. Mine was a stranger rape, a masked gun man at a Seattle bus stop at 8;30 on a weekday morning 1969. I am lucky to be alive, I talked my way out of him killing me and ran away. But the aftermath was almost as bad as the rape itself. The police were not really interested and never pursued looking for the rapists despite my descriptions. My parents were so shocked they were helpless and silent. Others would make incredibly shocking comments like “why didnt you just lie back and enjoy it”. There is a reason rape is a crime next to murder. It is a kind of murder a murder attempt of the soul.
18
Wow, timely and appropriate. You're certainly a powerful spokesperson for this moment in history and your steel enmeshed slip is showing to the amazement of many frightened men. It seems to me that the world is full of strong women and wimpy men called Senator.
1
I was falsely charged with harassment by a college student who confided in me, out of the blue, that she had been raped. I was thrown for a loop and had no idea what to say. Apparently that wasn’t enough and she reported that I had harassed her. Nobody could afford for her to pursue her charge, so the school asked me to step down and I did. Can I get space to tell what happens when a deluded woman makes up false charges?
8
@michjas
I sincerely do not understand what you mean.
"Nobody could afford for her to pursue her charge, so the school asked me to step down and I did."
Afford in what sense? Step down from where? Was it part of your job to know what to say?
If you had a duty to offer her support services and did not, then you needed to accept responsibility for that failure, acknowledge that a rape victim might see that failure as discriminatory, and be open to discussing how to make up for it. Perhaps a training program, and not just for you, needed to be put in place. Perhaps your job requirements needed to be made more clear. Is there any reason why these things couldn't be done?
No one is suggesting that a innocent person should be punished for something they never did. Having innocent people be punished hurts the victims of sexual assault, too.
5
First of all, please admit that you would never challenge a woman claiming harassment, even if she had spent all her life in the loony bin.
As for the details, I taught at a legit for profit college, which nonetheless was always wary of suspicion. Nobody believed my accuser -- she was well known to be a fruitcake. But even a fruitcake was a threat to a for profit college. As for me, I had a full time job with the federal government, where I had a distinguished record over twenty years. But the feds are political, too, and they can't afford fruitcake allegations. So everybody agreed it was best to avoid any conflict. The only harm done was that I lost a teaching job that I liked.
1
You can now file a police report and press charges. I look forward to hearing that you have done that.
https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2016/09/28/495856974/california-...
Amazing person who is incredibly well spoken. She gets to the heart of the matter without any pretense. The time is definitely now to speak up and stop this despicable behavior.
5
Thank you for this. It happened to me when I was 13 and away on a summer trip with my best friend at the time. Her older cousin who was 21 at the time took my virginity. For years and still today at 45 I still think its my fault. Maybe if I had not been wearing shorts or maybe if I had not been so fast, or may if I had never gone on the trip in the first place. Not until I told my husband (the only one I've ever told) did I realize it was rape. I came back home and never told a soul. Again, thank you for being brave to tell your story as its never easy to share these things. I've always found it easier to just push is aside and try to live your life, but you never forget. Its always with you daily in some form or fashion and to say "why didn't you tell/or you should have" is just another reason why you don't.
9
I don't doubt the author. But there is a great reason is not naming the man who raped her. She has no proof it ever happened now. Yes that night she would have, if it happened. There was physical evidence then. The age gap was a crime all by itself. But as of today, why would any fair person doubt his claim of innocence? If he were to have accused her of molesting him or maybe a child she once baby set all those years ago. Should Padma's life be ruined based only on one persons word? I'm sure no one would suggest that anyone's word should be given credence over anthers, based only on their sex.
1
@Verne Robirds
“I’m sure no one would suggest that anyone’s word should been given credence over others, based only on their sex.”
And yet, that’s exactly what you’re doing, by implying that she could be wrong—or, worse yet, a liar. You’re giving the man’s unannounced denial a greater weight. Why can’t you just believe her?? Why can’t you just assume she’s telling the truth and that she didn’t name him because she STILL feels like she owes her assailant more courtesy than he showed her? Who is more likely to lie, the one making the accusation, or the one who’s desperately afraid of being punished?
(Trick question: when it comes to rape allegations, women are often the one so punished, regardless of whether they’re telling the truth.)
1
This story is all too common, and it pains me to think about how many boys/men do the exact same thing and don't think it's that big of a deal.
Few people talk about the warped spectrum of "troublemaking" that we put all youthful, (mostly) male bad behavior on, regardless of its nature. Some (sexual assault) is worse than others (smoking pot), but we need to stop treating it as one big, inevitable phase and start parsing it apart. Too may boys and men know that forcing themselves on women is wrong, but do it anyway.
Rape culture has been baked into our social relations for way too long, starting with the "predator & prey" narrative that can be seen by children in such innocent cartoons as Pepe Le Pew (where an amorous skunk relentlessly chases an unwilling partner, and does everything in his power to grab and kiss her despite visible disgust), and carrying through college drinking movies where women are just drunk objects that exist to be intoxicated, available, and discarded for a laugh.
We let young, rich white men in fraternities contribute to rape culture and turn a blind eye to it in exactly the same way that we turn our eye to their partying, vandalism, drinking. It's all considered part of one big, youthful rule breaking experience. Get some kegs, invite some cute underage girls, get em drunk, make a bet with your buddies that you can get one in bed. In a night of debauchery and a few crimes, no one considers that one can be life changing for another person.
8
My daughter is 15 and my fingers are shaking as I am writing this. Your piece was so moving---but how horrible that so many years later, we are still litigating this!
I can't say this enough times--and I don't feel it's being heard---so I will say it again.
A subcomponent of this entire thing--and the reactions to it--have everything to do with our acceptance that young women are acceptable prey.
A man I knew was arguing that why would something he did at 17 matter? I asked him the following:
"OK so let's say that instead of a 15 year old, this happened to your grandmother. She was at a party on her way to the bathroom. On the way there, she was grabbed by two young men, held down on a bed, groped and partially disrobed. Let's say that she worried she might asphyxiate all the while the other young man in the room was laughing. Your. Grandmother. Now tell me, would it matter to you if he was 17?"
The answer was a surprising "You are right".
We are too comfortable with young women as prey. An act of violence committed at any age is an act of violence and not one of connection or play or impulse control. If it would feel like a violent intrusion to an old woman, it certainly feels the same way to a young one. The only difference is our perception of what young women should be taught to expect.
I have had enough. My rage knows no bounds. I will never vote Republican as long as I live.
27
When I was assaulted my reaction was....what did I do to bring this on. Took me a long time to get over that.
7
I hope there are 2 takeaways from this whole horrid mess (whether or not Kavanaugh is confirmed): men, women were not made for your sexual gratification, or conquest, or even for your self esteem (that’s on you) women: never, never allow your sense of shame or embarrassment or anything else to cause you to hesitate to report any rape or sexual assault. And even if the behavior does not rise to a criminal level (and even if you think it doesn’t, it may) don’t keep it a secret if it was something you did not want to happen.
3
You are a braveheart! Kudos to The New York Times for giving Ms. Lakshimi, and obviously countless other females out there, a sober platform to air their sad tales of the atrocities, committed against them by men!
3
Ms. Lakshmi, thank you for being brave enough to share your experience. Even though more and more strong women like yourself have come forward with their stories, I've never talked publicly about what happened to me. Maybe here?
When I was 7, two older boys (15?) trapped me in a wooded area. They sat on some rocks and made me stand in front of them and pull down my pants and spread my legs so they could look. By then I was crying so hard they finally told me to pull my pants up and leave. They threatened me and said I couldn't tell anyone. I kept my mouth shut.
When I was 24, I told my emotionally abusive boyfriend that I was going to end our dysfunctional 6-year relationship. He'd never hurt me physically before, but this time he dragged me into the shower, fully clothed, and held me under cold water. I could hardly breathe. Then he dragged me out, pulled off my clothes, said "If I can't have you, no one else will" and raped me so hard I bled for 3 days. This was the 1980s and who was going to believe me if I'd said my BOYFRIEND raped me?? Yeah, that guy I'd already been sleeping with for the last few years???
In those years, I wasn't even sure *I* could call it rape, at least until I went to the local clinic to find out why I hurt so much and why I was still bleeding. The female doctor looked and immediately asked if I'd been assaulted. I couldn't even tell the truth to her, because I was so ashamed I'd spent years with a guy who would injure me so badly.
18
If my 16 yo daughter went to her boyfriends house all alone at night, I would be very angry and disappointed in HER. That’s as stupid and reckless as playing in traffic. The fact that I am a minority in this kind of thinking is precisely the problem. Young men, esp who are drinking, are dangerous, and we ought to teach our daughters this fact of life. It’s not rocket science. We should rely more on teaching our girls common sense, rather than relying on drunk young men to behave.
5
@Ari Weitzner What would you say to a young man who raped your daughter - "You were a dangerous young man, so I understand why this was my daughter's fault."
7
@Ari Weitzner
And when a drunken young man does commit a rape, what should happen?
2
@Ari Weitzner
And so , you help make the point of why young women do not report sexual assaults.
5
It’s obviously ludicrous to think that a 15 year old would tell her parents that she got drunk at a party and almost raped. The exact same thing happened to me, and I didn’t dream of telling my parents or any other adult. I hope that if the man who tried to rape me (16 years old at the time) ever tries to hold a position of such immense power as Supreme Court justice, and refuses to take responsibility and shows no remorse for his behavior, that I will have the courage to call him out. It’s still a very scary prospect, even as a 51 year old woman!
15
I empathize with Ms. Padma. Rape can wreak havoc one one's emotion and cause long-term psychological trauma even after years the event had passed. It does not discriminate. For instance, a close male friend who was ten y/o at the time was sexually victimized by an older woman for a year back in 1990. And up to this day he still have not have the courage to disclose to his family and friends.
To all those who were sexually victimized, you now have a voice!
6
A large percentage of young women/girls lose their virginity to predators, usually much older. What a way to start one's life.
6
Thank you for being so brave and for stepping out. I hope you healed and I hope that in your act of courage you've enabled us as a society to improve..especially in these dark days
2
This is a sad and horrible story that has nothing to do with Brett Kavanaugh. That Ms. Ford didn't report for 35 years is one small data point, despite what Donald Trump tweets. Ms Lakshmi was alone with a man she had been dating and knew exactly who he was, when and where this nightmare happened. Ms. Ford was 15, at a party that she remembers nothing else about, almost assuredly drinking herself, and what she does remember she remembers differently from everyone else she named. I think she believes she's right, but it's very possible she has the perpetrator wrong.
2
@Working mom Why do you believe that Dr. Ford would lie and initiate these charges? Do you think she wanted to receive death threats and have to leave her home? What is her motivation?
3
Bravo and thank you. I sent your article to my sister (abused like me), and to my sons. I still don't have the courage to send it to my mother because she still reacts with anger, blame and shame when I remind her that we were all abused by her father, and that sexual abuse and assault really is abuse - and not something that "all men do."
11
Sexual urge is supposed to be at its prime in early twenties or even before. It lasts longer if you take pre and post-adolescence. This age is full of fantasies, self-love, overpowering sexual drive and "I can conquer the world" attitude. It's precisely for this reason, young boys and girls are advised or even chaperoned to stay at a respectable distance. It happens more so in the author's Indian culture. However, with the age of co-education and modernization, any honorable-dignified distance between genders was erased. In the name of gender-equity, both girls and boys began imitating each other. In their playful moments -- exacerbated by drug and alcohol -- they realized breaking all social, cultural, moral and sexual taboos was just normal. It's in this social setting, such abuses take place -- intentionally or blindly -- the presumption being, "Oh, every thing should be OK." This is the same impulse that must have driven Padma Lakshmi's boy friend and possibly Judge Kavanaugh to sexual assaults. There must be innumerable stories like this at Sororities and Fraternities never told, stories of violation.
There's, however, a different kind of exhibition of sexual prowess at a later age where wealth, power and influence play a role: A Bill Cosby or a Donald Trump and a host of others who think they can get away with it because of what they are. And, let's not forget -- in between, there are cases of consensual loving sex which go sour because one side must have "dumped".
2
It is time the tide turned. Abusive men are a reality. Priests, bosses, stepfathers, coaches, boyfriends, husbands. And boys who will become men. It’s time for the abused to speak up and be believed and have the power to change this pervasive dynamic in our culture. I remember the time when I was a young girl. My best friend was a boy. A boy who cried when he was too sick to come out and play with me. We were naturally curious about each other’s bodies. One day we were in his bedroom and decided to show each other what we looked like undressed. His big brother came into the room wanting to join us. Scout’s Honor he said he’d show me his. Sadly, he was the kind of boy whose word and agenda were not like his little brother’s.
6
Thank you for your courage in sharing.
4
I’m in tears reading your story. My tears are also for the victims of sexual assault who
like you had been silent and silenced and thus had suffered for a long time. Thank you for your courage.
2
Thank you, Padma, for your brave and powerful essay. Your willingness to share your past trauma will help women now be able to defend themselves and stand up to abusers and rapists. I admire your courage and am grateful to you and all the women who are putting their private lives in the spot light to better the human good. i believe you. y
Your sacrifice will benefit us all. Thank you and stay strong.
10
Dear Ms. Lakshmi,
Thank you for sharing your story. I, too, was raped by someone I knew when I was 16. This was many decades ago and I still think about it, but I'll bet my rapist stopped thinking about it the very next day. And I'll bet he never thought that what he did was rape even though I said "no" and fought to get away from him.
Like many women, I became convinced that it was somehow my fault, so I kept the horrible secret to myself for about 20 years, and allowed my rapist to skate away free as a bird.
All of these decades later in this "civilized" society, very little has changed. Our country's president, who has been accused by many women of sexual assault, is eager to appoint to the U.S. Supreme Court a man likewise accused of sexual assault by more than one woman.
Before we witness the complete devolution of this country, we must continue, as the lawyer for Josey Aimes declared during trial in "North Country," to "stand up and tell the truth."
No one is alone in this any longer. We must stand up and make some noise. If not for ourselves, for our sons and daughters. They should not have to keep the secrets we did.
12
I am an Indian. I was sexually abused by a cousin of mine when I moved to the US. I was around 10. I haven't told anyone other than a coworker while I was drunk when we were sharing our secrets. Some of the people that are closets to us abuse us. Don't let it happen. Seek out help.
7
While various sides of social and political leanings try to make their various points and assert them with absolute, on-going authority, are we missing the larger part? It is this: we haven't begun to tame sexuality in our culture and unless we face up to the nature of these incredibly strong impulses, it is likely we never will.
The journey through adolescence and into mature adulthood is burdened by difficulties at every turn. Where is the guidebook? Western religions? Prohibitions, waiting till marriage, restraining your desires and feeling deep guilt over urges that cannot be suppressed, does that work?
Boys learn from other boys who are likewise brain addled on testosterone. The friends are out to prove their acquired, big time status as a male who is accomplished in bed, even if they've never been there with a girl or a woman. Lying and bragging are common, as is the false bravado of not caring so long as you get "it".
We are a puritan nation by cultural origins (at least in the Anglo-Saxon segment of the nation), caught between that time and attitude and a porno infused video culture of anything goes, at any time. Where's the line? What's the limit? What, more importantly, is right and wrong?
The problem is not just with preppy boys or with the heavy drinking that goes on inside and outside of the college world. The problem is we don't know what we want sex to be in our society. We're all over the map and there are no accepted authorities to guide us to safety.
2
@Doug Terry I think the problem lies not so much in how we view sex but in how we view consent. I would argue that most people, and women to be sure, want sex to be consensual. And beyond that, people can be as tame or wild as they please.
6
Two things about sex I think we do know. It should never be against another’s will, and it should never be an act of violence. Not so complicated, really.
7
@Doug Terry- not many men speaking up in here - it might be good for their soul to do so.
1
It’s been 3 years now since I was a victim of rape. I haven’t filed a report and I am not sure I would ever do it now. At the time, I thought it was my fault and the people that I trusted with my secret asked me all the wrong questions: “what were you wearing? Why did you go to his place? Nobody is going to believe you without evidence”
I’m a wife now, I have a degree, a good marriage and a beautiful dog. I can say I live a very happy life. However, sometimes when I’m walking my dog alone at night my heart beats faster than usual. I get sweaty hands when I’m alone with a strange man in a small space, like an elevator. Sometimes, I might get flashbacks out of the blue and my husband holds me tight while I cry a little bit.
I have always wonder what he’s doing now. If he’s still successful like he was back then. If he had done this to somebody else. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever come a time when I find the courage to file that report even if nothing happens out of it.
The day after it happened one of my teachers asked me after class if there was something going on with me. He could see it all over my face. I said nothing was wrong.
I wished I had said different.
24
@Erica
File the report Erica. If nothing else, it will pin him to the wall and mark him for life. I think that it will give you some sense of control and help make you feel better and thereby heal a little. Times, they are a changing.
6
@Erica- yes - file the report or at least write to his place of work.mine was a high school teacher - I wrote to his school telling them to believe the next person it happened to. These guys do it more than once. You have the courage - That is why you wrote it in the NYTs.
6
A girl doesn't forget: When I was a freshman in college, a boy I thought I liked threw me down on his dorm room bed and tried to rape me. I said NO, but he kept trying. I remember being surprised that I had to struggle so much before I was able to get out from under him and run away. I wasn't drunk and neither was he. I told no one and just stayed out of his way afterward. I had dated plenty of boys in high school and none of them had ever forced themselves on me before this event occurred in college. To 1) say a young girl or boy will forget such a disturbing incident is hooey just as to 2) blithely say all boys force themselves on girls is far from the truth. Christine Blasey Ford: speak truth to power!
25
#Me Too!” Padma as I am about to turn 74 in seven days. Only recently this year did I free myself from my abuse secret. I see the sun of trust slowly returning.
8
Thank you for speaking your truth. As a man I’m sorry for what happened to you. And I am troubled. Troubled because I don’t understand your date’s behavior. But I don’t understand Weinstein‘s behavior either.
I grew up with 4 sisters and I have three wonderful daughters. I know that statistically sexual violence has likely touched some of their lives.
I watch the machinations around the Kavanaugh confirmation and I don’t understand. Republicans have daughters too. They must want the best for their own. A vote on the Supreme Court is one of the most important elements in our system of checks and balances.
How can a group of men put generations of women at risk of having a key vote made by someone who may well have shown lapses in respect for half the population?
Why is another “win” so much more important than a thorough investigation to determine the truth? Especially when so much is at stake.
5
When a little girl I was molested by several men for years. I am married but have never had sex with my husband, nor will I ever have. It took me over 40 years to speak about it and only to my husband and sister. It was not easy. It never gets easy.
8
@A I am so sorry. Sex, when you love someone is an expression of that love. Hope that sharing the pain of the past can help free you up so that you can eventually love your husband and he you, totally.
6
My sister was raped as a teenager.
Our mother, a woman who buried herself in religion due to an inability to cope with life, told my sister to stop making trouble.
Thank you Padma for putting a face to the story and pain of too many young girls/women in this tragic world. Your bravery and dignity is so appreciated. We admire you for taking this stand.
11
Thank you for sharing your personal story. Iam 73 and still unable to share my own story. However, I do want to share my mother’s untold story of incest and how it affect not only her life, but the lives of my sister and I.
Throughout our lives our mother suffered from chronic anxiety and depression. Over the years, her doctor referred her to psychiatrists many times. Each time she would get to a certain point in her therapy where she would say “I have a secret, but I can’t tell you what it is”. The psychiatrist would try to help her move past this block; but, she never could. Eventually she stopped treatment “because it was not “helping” .
When she had passed her 93rd birthday, my sister said: “mom, you are running out of time, please tell me what has been bothering you (that you never have been able to speak about) for all these years”? My mother did not answer for a long time, then she began to cry. She said that her oldest brother had raped her when she was 11. The assault occurred in 1927.;She carried her secret for 82 years!!
She only told her mother. Her mother arranged for the oldest son to be removed from the household within 3 days. He was married shortly thereafter. My mother continued to have interactions with him and his family for the rest of his life. In fact, she became very close to his wife, their grandchildren and great-grandchildren. But, she was very close to her other brothers and sisters and was barely civil to him.
15
I wasn abused repeatedly, often beaten and humiliated as a kid, but thankfully never sexually abused. I often went to my parents and other adults for help but was always denied. They were dismissive of my claims, never caring, always refusing to even consider the possibility, never mind looking into my claims of abuse. It figured with my parents, the prime abusers at home, country bumpkins from Ukraaine, where corporal punishment was doled out for even not obeying their orders was the norm, just as if they were greeting a friend they were meeting on the street. Totally justified, nothing wrong with beating your kids or humiliating them. The ukrainian tradition , i suppose. So why would they even consider helping me with my outside or school beatings that were occuring with such regularity that i could set an alarm clock as to when to expect it next. Dismissive. That's the word i use. A deep ridden, ugly word, that all male dominated cultures seem to have taken to heart, when women are concerned. As for male problems: we're supposed ot drop everything and solve the problem(s) immeditely, usually though it means either going to war, or domestically, using gun violence as the problem solver. i hope women can own mega corporations someday soon, for money is power and power to change things.
8
I get it. You and every other woman who was raped or assaulted have many reasons for not coming forward when the rape/assault happened. And they were completely, utterly valid to you at the time you decided to not come forward. So I accord Dr Ford the same understanding - she did not come forward when the assault occurred because of those same reasons. Or perhaps even others that have not been voiced.
But that doesn't make her accusation about Brett Kavanaugh true. And if you believe her just because she's a woman who says she experienced sexual assault with no verifiable proof, then you are no different than the mobs that lynched black men on the unverified accusation of white women in the south.
There is no statute of limitations in Maryland for felony sexual assault, including Dr Ford's alleged attempted rape. She had reasons 35+ years ago to avoid filing a criminal complaint - those reasons are gone now, obviated by her coming forward and giving WaPo her interview. Filing a criminal complaint will trigger an investigation into the alleged crime that took place, which is what should happen.
3
@KarlosTJ What proof would you like her to provide? Do you ask the same of the boys who were molested and raped by priests?
2
It was difficult to the article and the comments and reflect on my own experiences. So much pain and suffering, and no decent president to lead our nation and world in demanding safety, healing, and justice for those who are vulnerable or who have been harmed irreparably.
5
This: "Some say a man shouldn’t pay a price for an act he committed as a teenager. But the woman pays the price for the rest of her life, and so do the people who love her."
31
Thank you so much for your courageous article. At this moment, I'm so proud to be a woman in the company of great women like you. God bless and rock on.
19
My daughter's marriage lasted only a couple of years because she had been previously so psychologially and physically hurt by rape that she could not bear to have intimate relations with her husband......
SAD, when one's humanity is robbed by a criminal........
29
Thank you, Ms Lakshmi, for adding your voice to the growing chorus of women who are revealing their own sexual assaults, many of which occurred years ago and have not been publicly revealed until recently.
I believe we are in the midst of a profound cultural shift that is long overdue. The longer these stories stay in the news, the more women (and men) are being triggered with memories of their own long-repressed assaults, and the more men (and women) in these victims' lives are starting to realize just how pervasive sexual assault is, how common it is to stay silent for years, and how long-lasting and devastating an impact sexual assault has on victims.
Likewise, I believe there is a special place in hell for those who continue to doubt, mock and shame the brave victims who have chosen to come forward. The bandage is finally being peeled back from this giant gaping wound, and still these people want to pretend it's just stage makeup.
No more. We WILL be believed, and there WILL be repercussions.
10
Thank you for sharing your story. I was molested at a young age thru high school and never said anything until I went to therapy after a suicide attempt years later. With all the willingness to accept what Catholic priests and brothers did to some of us, it's the height of hypocrisy of those Republicans who are so committed to getting Kavanagh confirmed to try to rush this through and find ways to make it appear better optically. Alleged victims do not always tell the truth of course but the majority of us do tell the truth because it's so important to our survival and Recovery. boys are victims too and we have all the stereotypes and shame tying in with are Notions of masculinity and self and such events often cause some of us to question our own sexuality. I can only imagine how it also screws up girls and ladies for life. Thank you again for sharing.
29
Thank you and everybody who speaks out. I completely understand why you did not tell anyone. I was sexually abused as a child and didn't tell a soul for many years. I felt such shame and pain and that I was wrong. I did my best to file the experiences and the fear that went with them away in a distant place in my mind and when I eventually confronted my abuser years later, he said it was my fault...
I was 11 when it started! In those days there was no thought in society of taking such people to court for what they did and still now nearly 50 years later we the girls and boys/men and women who have been hurt, raped and abused are still not believed. We have to fight this by speaking out. Why would ANYONE make up a story like that?
I say enough is enough. We need to speak out and stop the cycle of silence and disbelief.
In hope and trust
15
I was heavily involved in student politics when I was at university, and often attended political events and conventions with other members of the mostly male club I belonged to. At one particular event, I was the designated driver as all of the others had had ( or planned to have ) a bit too much to drink. Along with another student, I found an unoccupied hospitality suite and fell asleep on the sofa, he slept on the floor. Sometime after midnight the occupants of the room returned. I remember a loud male voice saying "there's a GIRL on the sofa!', and other people laughing. Someone threw a blanket over me, and the others lowered their voices. That was all that happened. These somewhat drunken young men never even considered taking advantage of me in any way. It is an insult to them and to most other men to excuse the behavior of Kavanaugh, Trump, and other of their ilk as 'boys being boys'. It is violent, criminal behavior that most men and boys would never even consider engaging in. Writing it off as normal male behavior is demeaning to boys and men, and incredibly dangerous for girls and women.
22
I was 23. It was nearly 45 years ago. I didn't report it. I was afraid the rapist would be sentenced to death (in a southern state). Anyway, I could hardly admit it to authorities when I couldn't tell myself.
It took 15 years, an incremental melting of denial, and then a traumatic, dramatic, no-saying, crying and crying encounter with a second predator to heal my spirit. And the healing was a private experience. Even now, after the healing, with this forum inviting comment, I can only whisper it: I was raped. I don't want to put me and 'rape' so close together in a sentence.
So, for a thousand reasons that are personal and ethical and justice-seeking, THANK YOU for writing and for publishing this article
24
Deep thanks to you for your courage to share this with the world.
Michael
5
This column as well as the comments are very difficult to read.
I haven't really given much thought or attention to a problem which many men, such as myself even know exists. May seem naive, but it is true.
May be that guys who are privileged take that role seriously
6
Back in the '80s, when men tried to touch me, handle me, force me, I told my parents. Their response still shocks me: "Why can't you get along with anyone? If you had more confidence, boys would know they can't get away with that with you!" I hope that 30 years later, no girl (or boy) will ever be made to feel that there is shame in speaking up about abuse or that this unwanted attention is something for which they are to blame. I'm still trying to come to terms with my parents' bizarre and damaging response.
20
@rox I know how you felt - when I told my mother I thought an old friend of my brothers was coming on to me she sarcastically said “oh Betty, you always think men are after you!” I thought maybe she was right - went out with him - he tried to rape me! Mind you she had a point - I was pretty attractive in those days :-)
2
@BettyInToronto
Thank you. I am crying reading all these comments ... but I had to smile at your last sentence, even if it is all sad...
Sex offenders view themselves as good people. They truly believe in their beliefs that they are fine honorable men, and will point to their resumes to prove it. I have seen this often.The fact that your ex didn't seem to think this was such a big deal is typical thinking of men who are character disordered. Integrated, responsible men do not act the way he did. They have empathy, something missing in offenders. No matter what these people have accomplished in their lives, or how good and godly they act, they will never be whole people until they own up to the hurtfulness they have done, make amendments and work very hared every day to change their objectifying thinking and behavior.
11
Thank you Ms Lakshmi. Thank you to all the women who have come out about the abuses they suffered.
I know, have known far too many women in my life, friends, lovers and relatives, who were sexually abused. One thing that has struck me over time, and is so much more disheartening, is that there is never just one episode. An uncle, a cousin, a neighbor, a boyfriend, a friend of a boyfriend, a brother of a female friend, a coworker, school mates, the odd random date. All but one of nearly 2 dozen women who admitted to me the abuse (how many more have not?) were abused by people they knew in some manner. Only the one reported it. And she didn't fare well in our alleged justice system. Only one of nearly 24 women I've known reported the abuse.
The knowledge, the secrets shared...each one killed a piece of me. It kills me that I cant help them, fix or right the wrongs. All I could do was hold the space for them. Listen and learn.
Then be awed by their courage, and strength of will. Their tenacity. Leaving me to wonder how I, a manly sort of man, would do. Frankly, I'm just not sure.
The reality this nation must now face; the fact that women, girls, do not feel it would serve them, or be productive to report their attacks. They do not feel safe to default to reporting the attacks. Due to absurd lessons they are taught that, as Ms Lakshmi said, a report would result in a form of ostracization, and the usual blame.
This must change; The default position of not reporting.
8
@Boregard
Yes, but that will not change until victims are taken seriously and treated with compassion instead of being blamed, shamed, and scorned. How do we get there?
Thank you Ms. Lakshmi for bravely sharing your story.
5
Novice human early sexual interaction is generically a sloppy business, including drugs and booze, new unpleasant experiences, failed attempts at individual or mutual gratification and endless regret and stress. When it's remembered as magic it's probably a one-sided recollection. It's a practice that like Catholicism is often tried but rarely achieved.
Virgin newlyweds in love practice failed sex as often as not, in many established couples it's a one-sided affair of going through motions. It's phony, laded with excuses, selfish, and uncaring, and that's between people who are devoted to each other. Between strangers, acquaintances, and buddies the notion that sex is wonderful & good is more likely positive malarkey than reality. People use each other generically especially when sex or money are at stake, the one often used as leverage for the other.
As the brilliant historian Barbara Tuchman relates in A Distant Mirror in an attempt to circle the square of the decadence of the ultra-religious 14th Century, "Economic man and sensual man are not suppressible." She's right. People with super sex lives and no complaints, no transgressions, and no regrets are no doubt the very small minority and probably lying.
2
Thank you, Padma. I too was raped. I was 23, single, alone, unemployed and I told no one at the time. Like you, I felt that I had foolishly put myself into a potentially risky situation and I was embarrassed by my lack of judgment. I also became impregnated with my rapist's baby and rather than compound the trauma, I chose to have an abortion. It was the nadir of my life. It took me until recently to talk about this publicly and I am now 68. Those of us who have suffered this kind of violation, especially back in the days when police and prosecutors often put the victim on trial, critiqued her sex life and wardrobe, we well understand why rape is the least reported of all crimes.
13
Finally. Thank you for the clarity. The public statement that it doesn’t matter where a woman is, what she’s wearing, if she’s eaten or drunk something or if she knows the attacker to be a victim of a sexual crime. Also, the complete lack of understanding I’ve seen demonstrated by men “I thought it would hurt less if you were asleep”, or as vocalized by a man currently being charged for attempted rape in Seattle “It won’t break you”, or the relatively recent fathers dismissive comment “It was just 20 minutes of action” response to his sons rape of an unconscious woman. Astounding lack of value for women as 50% of the human population. And you’re correct, in the 80’s, the language of sexual crime simply wasn’t part of our social vocabulary.
7
Your story and those of so many others who responded brought me to tears. What I will never understand is the lack of compassion by so many who dismiss these women’s stories. Have they never been hurt by someone stronger or more powerful than them?
5
"Some say a man shouldn’t pay a price for an act he committed as a teenager. But the woman pays the price for the rest of her life, and so do the people who love her."
Such a powerful and compelling piece, including the sentence quoted above. Everyone should read this piece.
19
Thank you for your courage in sharing this. I know so many women who were assaulted as girls (myself included) who never reported it--to their parents, teachers, or otherwise. As girls, we held each other's secrets. We were taught silence. We were taught shame. I don't doubt Ford and Ramirez, not even a little bit. I also understand that Kavanaugh is a product of a culture that dehumanizes and devalues girls. I don't necessarily think he's a monster.
I do think he fails to see women as fully human (as capable, thoughtful, and agentic as men are), which explains both his past behavior as well as his stance on issues that affect women (e.g., access to safe and comprehensive healthcare services). There's no inconsistency here. And a person who does not recognize the full humanity of approximately half of our country's members (at least), he should not be a Supreme Court Justice. End of story.
The fact that McConnel and Trump are defending him is also no surprise. They, too, fail to recognize the full humanity of people who are not just like them.
My hope is that we can collectively be louder than them. Thank you for raising your voice, for being a courageous example. For not letting shame win, for the sake of our daughters, but also for ourselves and our sisters and our mothers.
16
I am so sorry this happened to you. I am sorry you will always be processing it. I thank you for sharing your story with so many of us who are strangers to you! It is wonderful that you put this in writing! You are an articulate person and a brave one at that! Such an important day for this piece to come out with the Cosby Sentencing and another accuser of Kavanaugh. I think the way you ended the piece, the last 2 paragraphs are particularly resonant. I wish you all the continued success in life.
7
It takes a tremendous amount of courage to speak up, and what you’ve written will help so many people to find their own voices. Thank you.
14
Excellent piece that goes to the heart of the injustice Trump perpetuates with his callous comments about Kavanaugh's accusers. Thank you Ms. Lakshmi, for speaking out on behalf of us all.
19
Thank you for sharing this painful story. It helps us all to know that you can survive this experience, be affected lifelong and from there, find the courage to speak up. And most importantly, you teach your daughter so her body and life remain her own. Thank you.
13
"But we all have a lot to lose if we put a time limit on telling the truth about sexual assault and if we hold on to the codes of silence that for generations have allowed men to hurt women with impunity."
YES.
19
Thank you for speaking out. You are brave, beautiful, and so many of us fully understand your haunting face-saving, guilt-ridden silence all these years. God bless you for taking this giant step for all women kind.
13
I thought after listening to these stories for 50 years, and for countless hours this week, I had become numbed. But this story made me cry, again. For all of us who have swallowed this pain—our own and that of others—this must stop.
28
Thank you Ms. Laxmi. I have been thinking for the past few days to sit down with my eldest daughter to talk about these things. I will today.
15
So many others with similar stories are responding to this powerful essay here and elsewhere. It breaks my heart. After finding some measure of healing for a different kind of traumatic experience I would like to offer up EMDR as a suggestion for those of you who are still silent and/or in deep pain. It has been very successful in helping with trauma. Peace to all.
6
Very powerful, moving and raw. Thank you for sharing and helping others to share. Brave indeed.
16
Padma, you are so lovely and so brave. I'm sorry this happened to you, but so grateful that you have shared your experience. The thought of appointing someone to the highest court of law who carelessly inflicted this kind of pain on someone is unfathomable. We must do better! Thank you.
13
@Jennifer
Sounds Medieval: Conclusion before evidence or corroboration--accusation is enough? Belief without evidence becomes fact? Women never knowingly lie about such--save an occasional La Crosse story?
2
You have helped millions of girls and women by writing candidly and honestly and offering techniques for resisting when it seems about to happen. Sincere thanks and best wishes.
20
Thank you Ms. Lakshmi, for sharing your story and for being a good mother.
15
My brother was falsely accused of raping a girl at a college party. How do I know? He was with me at a football match more than 500 km away at the time the woman said he was attacking her. When the police came to my brother's dorm room with an arrest warrant, he told them that he was at the stadium and showed them the ticket stub he had kept as a souvenir. The police told him he could tell it to the judge.
He was kept in jail overnight before he was arraigned the next morning. After entering a plea of not guilty his attorney asked for bail and showed the judge the ticket stub. The prosecutor said that the complainant was scared to leave her dorm room so the judge set bail at $25K which my brother could not make. While he was in jail, he was informed by the University that he had been suspended because there had been a hearing where it was found that there was probable cause to believe he had committed the rape.
Ultimately the accuser recanted and admitted that she made it up because she was angry with my brother because he had received an internship she wanted. It took my brother over a year to get back into school and the accuser was never punished because the school and the prosecutor believed that any punishment would have a chilling effect on other woman coming forward with accusations.
While this anecdote has nothing to do with accusations of Dr. Ford and Ms. Ramirez, it points out that Ms. Lakshmi's personal experience is equally irrelevant to the matter at issue.
8
Choosing to share equally horrific acts does not make either irrelevant. Rather it points to the many ways in which public discourse on these topics, through op-Ed’s and/or their responses, can be both informative and eye-opening (and empathy inducing). We need these stories ..
22
@Gregg Duval
Your brother was wrongfully accused for terribly wrongful reasons. Lucky for him, the other party recanted. That she went unpunished is crime. But no more of a crime than the many, many men who have assaulted women.
I presume your point is that bad things can happen to good people. They can and do happen.
And while your brother's incident is in your opinion not relevant or as relevant as Ms. Lakshim's, they both are terribly relevant today. For example, had the FBI investigated your brother's claims, might he not have been exonerated while not having to wait for the other party to rescind the accusation?
All most of us are saying is that instead of a he-said, she-said hearing, there is more, much more at stake here and getting as much clarity in front of the committee prior to a rush-vote is relevant to the matter at issue.
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@JG
While I agree that people sharing their experiences through the media can be informative and eye-opening and can promote conversations on sensitive topics, the timing of this op-ed suggests that such is not its purpose. Rather, the timing and subject matter in this op-ed suggests that it is being offered in an effort to buttress the credibility of Dr. Ford and Ms. Ramirez by saying to those of you who don't understand why these women would not say anything about the alleged sexual assault in Dr. Ford's case and exposure in Ms. Ramirez's until it became politically expedient, "I waited and it happened to me, therefore the fact that they waited should not be considered or should get minimal consideration in evaluating there veracity. However, in attempting to show the problem with that logic I pointed to the tragic story of my brother, which would suggest that to those who believe women will not fabricate stories about rape, such is not true and therefore you should not believe the accusation against Judge Kavanaugh. This is obviously not a fair conclusion, just because one woman, or many fabricate stories does not mean that these women are, but likewise, just because Ms. Lakshmi waited and told no one does not make Dr. Ford and Ms. Ramirez more or less credible as is the intent of publishing this op-ed at this time.
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I am so sorry to hear about your experience, Ms. Lakshmi. I can only imagine how much courage it took for you to share this soul-wrenching experience with the world. Thank you for your bravery and willingness to speak out against sexual violence.
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These columns from women who are famous and not that have come forward are deeply moving and important.
YES, we need to give our young women the safety, the support, and the courage to come forward.
The description of date rape in Ms. Lakshmi's column is all-too-familiar.
The man isolates the woman who is often trusting. He forces himself beyond the boundaries she has set. If you asked him at the time, he would have likely said that sex was inevitable between them, that it was not rape, that he cared for her.
Ms. Lakshmi's story is part of the fabric of a very important conversation we need to have with our daughters.
It is also a very different story from Dr. Ford's, and we who are outraged at the chance that he might sit on SCOTUS need to understand that sex or attempted with a partner who is attracted but not consenting is very different than tossing someone on a bed and putting a hand over their mouth. The later, while more directly violent, is also less likely to have been a serious attempt at rape (while still being a traumatic event for Dr. Ford). We will see what the testimony reveals.
Regardless, no one should have to keep an event like these bottled up for three decades or even a day. It can't just be "believe all women all the time," but it can't be that we make it unsafe to come forward and then blame women when they wait.
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My wife was raped by her cousin for years. she never said anything. she told her sister. she told me and I helped her get the confidence to avoid family parties, then to deal with it. she forgave him. she never went to the police, teacher, or parents until much later. Her grandmother said... well these things happen.... yes, I guess they do.. it seems much more than we ever thought. I hope my daughters never have to go through this ever... I fear for their future. I work hard to give them confidence to overcome and to be safe.
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Does everyone has to make a statement on this?
Can nothing be private anymore. Does everyone have to come out to the entire world about everything that’s happened to them now?
Enough!
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Crossing Overhead. The reason it is necessary for survivors to tell their stories now (most for the first time) is because the ruling Republican Party including its Senators and POTUS are saying the reason they doubt Dr Ford is because “if it had actually happened, she would have told someone at the time.” What the stories of the brave survivors show is the fallacy of that Republican retort.
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Yes. Too many of us have lost our privacy when another took it. They have kept theirs.
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@Crossing Overhead Why shouldn't people feel free to talk about rape? Certainly no one is obligated to talk about past traumas if they do not want to, but there is NO reason people shouldn't be free to talk about these things.
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I am so sorry for what happened to you. Thank you for bravely sharing your story.
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I am sorry for Ms. Lakshmi's experience. I applaud her courage.
I am a guy who was molested by my aunt for years when I was a small child. I hope METOO encourages more male victims to come forward. Thus far, understandably, METOO has been presented and seen as a women's movement. Male victims who have come forward--when their attackers are female--have been treated dismissively and derisively. 2 such instances are those of Asia Argento's much younger assures, who as a child acted in a film Argento directed, and who was later an underage abuse victim of Argento. The female NYU professor who had a coerced sexual relationship with her male advisee has been a victim of attacks by her female colleagues. I hope METOO does not lose much of its well-deserved moral authority by turning its back on male victims ( boys are over 1/3 of child victims, and females make up over 40% of their attackers), and by averting its eyes from female attackers.
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@Jojojo
""The female NYU professor who had a coerced sexual relationship with her male advisee has been a victim of attacks by her female colleagues."
to be clear--and I wasn't--it is the victim of Prof Ronell, and not Ronell herself, who has been attacked b y Ronell's female colleagues. What if the accused prof was male, and his male colleagues wrote an open letter supporting him and calling the female victim a liar? Think that would get a bit of coverage?
Thank You Padma for writing this; I thank you for your courage. In all the news stories, in the last year which have been made public, your testimony is the most eloquent. Your concern for raising a new generation, by making this a vocal promulgated topic that needs awareness, will hopefully take the sigma and shame away from woman immediately speaking out.
No woman deserves to be violated. No woman should submit to any form of sex unless she gives her heartfelt consent.
By teaching young men and boys to respect woman - the paradigm will change. By teaching young girls, as you stated, that NO one is allowed to touch your private area without your consent - it will change. Woman and girls, Should not be embarrassed. The men involved should be embarrassed. The shame is theirs to be tortured by.
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Thank you for writing your story, and in a non-sensationalistic way. Two things to underscore:
1- Lack of vocabulary.
Women had no words to name our experiences of sexualization and sexual assault in the Kavanugh assault era of the 1980's. As Lakshmi points out: the term "date rape" was not in circulation. The term "sexual harassment" had only been created in the 1970's to name the pervasive phenomena. If we have no words to name our experiences and realities, that is another reason why traumatic experiences will not be spoken about by the victim, or be understood as a pervasive male entitlement. If we think this is just an individual's private experience, that too will make it harder to talk about.
2- Protecting our kids:
Lakshmi's message to her daughter, coaching her in advance of any danger she might experience, is a possible deterrent and a tool that her mother and millions of other women never had. THIS is one of the major benefits resulting from so many women putting their sexual assault and harassment stories out in public.
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I am very sad for Ms. Lakshmi's awful experience at the hands of a criminal. I too was physically assaulted by someone(s) I knew, when I was a bit younger than she was. That was many decades ago. I wish I had reported it to someone contemporaneously so that there would have been at least some record in case one was needed at some time in the future. In the absence of that record, it would be unfair and help open the doors to a floodgate of human perfidy if I were to make a claim against these people now, by name, for any purpose.
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My heart breaks for all the women and men who have suffered in silence for so many years. Maybe now those in denial will finally realize how prevalent and widespread rape and sexual abuse is in our society. Keep speaking out, the shame belongs to the abusers, not the victims.
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Dear Ms Lakshmi, I thank you so much for sharing your heartbreaking and courageous story. I am the father of a 17 year old girl, and it is almost unbearable to think of her suffering the way that you have, and for so long. I hope that sharing your truth further liberates you and those that you love and those that love you from the ongoing pain of this horrible assault you endured in the past, and that the light and power that emanates from your words will add to the collective strength that we must find to change our culture so this behavior no longer exists. I wish you and your family much peace, happiness and safety.
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Dear Padma,
I am very sorry for your pain and very proud of you for making your ordeal public. I am a huge fan of Top Chef (not that it matters) and I wept reading your story. This 45 year old, heterosexual African-American self-declared tough guy, wept for you. People of all walks of life emphathize with the victims of abuse and we all stand with you. I only wish I could do more.
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The day in which a women/girl is robbed of her strength is a defining moment. Fortunately for most of us it does not go as far as rape. Being held down by a man is a defining moment in which I realized I was not as strong as I thought. Until that moment, I was ready to achieve my fullest dreams. After that moment, I lost confidence. Physical dominance is real and destructive to our community as a whole. Both men and women need to end the denial. It’s time to move forward. It’s time for change.
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I have had my young ones read your story. Thank you. I know the pain you must feel must have been hard to finally let go. Im sure you let go in stages. All i can really say is Thank you.
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Thank you for sharing, Padma. So many are carrying such a burden because some man couldn't respect another or control himself. Parents, friends, siblings - teach boys and girls to not touch anyone without their consent.
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I appreciate your story and am sorry this happened to you. And I agree that dress, location, drinking etc does not excuse rape. Period. And I understand that many abused victims do not feel comfortable speaking out. Where I am conflicted is that is it right to speak out 15, 20,30 years later, naming the accused, with no proof? The accused basically has no defense and seem to be presumed guilty. These crimes are so horrible the accused is basically guilty and sentenced just by being named. Any person male or female could be accused for a crime that occurred many years ago. I think we walk a fine line between speaking out about what is wrong and creating a "guilty without a trial" environment. Something doesn't seem right about that.
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@A-4151 I would strongly suggest you read Tarana Burke's piece in Variety today.
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She didn’t only name the accused. She’s named an eyewitness in the room. She has asked for an FBI investigation. Kavanaugh and his sponsors have ejected that. And you think that is all right? I call that willful blindness on your part.
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"I have a daughter now. She’s 8. For years I’ve been telling her the simplest and most obvious words that it took me much of my life to understand: “If anybody touches you in your privates or makes you feel uncomfortable, you yell loud. You get out of there and tell somebody. Nobody is allowed to put their hands on you. Your body is yours.” "
I have a daughter of the same age as you, and I'm telling her EXACTLY what you wrote. Thank you for sharing this painful experience. It helps us all heal when we know we are not alone.
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