The question is, why on earth would the GOP entertain disqualifying a man accused of sexual assault when they elected one to the White House?
The only thing made clear in all of this is that the GOP (men, especially) are not decent people. And we, the people, should never, ever have to be at their mercy. Especially not in a lifetime appointment.
47
I would suggest this is normal behavior for men. It is what males do. It is neither decent nor forgivable. How men will finally rise above it, I do not know but now we see why not so long ago women had chaperones when they were in the company of a man.
10
My father and his father taught me that real men don't hurt women. They don't try to do sneaky things with their hands and tongues to children on the brink of womanhood. They do not demand "payment" for a date, for a compliment, for attention.
I thank every day that I had these men in my life, because I was sexually abused by my other grandfather. I loved him. I never told anyone. Other than therapists, I still have never told anyone. I am 60 years old. I expect to carry the shame and humiliation of my experiences to my grave.
At least, thank God, my abuser was never in the running to become a Supreme Court justice. My prayers are for the brave women who are exposing themselves, at great personal risk, to bring this shame to light.
42
Last night the PBS News Hour played a segment from FOX News in which Kavanaugh denied having intercourse until some unspecified date beyond the time of the two accusations of sexual abuse. By doing so he very slyly avoided answering the accusations of abuse. Intercourse involves penetration; he is well aware of this. I don't know if the interviewer on FOX persisted in asking more specific questions, but if she did I am sure, based on what we have seen so far, he found a way not to answer. Making excuses for someone because he is drunk only enables him in future bad behavior. The urge to hurt and humiliate another person is part of the personality of someone like Kavanaugh. The alcohol just helped make him bold enough to carry out his urges and fantasies.
The testimonies of those who see him as a decent person may be sincere. However, abusers are very good at hiding their real personalities. They only show what they are really like when there is no chance of discovery or that the victim will not be believed. I think the Republicans who defend him probably realize he is guilty of the abuse, but they are willing to throw decency to the winds to gain their agenda.
19
With every individual assault story read, I didn't realize until now that I had my own involving an instance of sexual forcefulness and ignored refusal to comply.
This helped me realize what isn't okay.
8
Thank you. I have been waiting for someone to articulate this. And where are the voices of the men who have NOT demeaned and victimized women? Why don't they stand up and say, "this is not normal, even if it happens too frequently. I never did this kind of thing to a woman or a girl." Why do we perpetuate this association and thereby, even degrade decent men in doing so. There is a difference in character between boys/ men who are entitled and do this kind of thing and who objectify girls/ women and even other boys/ men and boys/ men who do not. It is not simply a stage of development that your just grow out of and shrug off. If this was who you were when you were young, you have some serious conversion to do.
28
And what about the 'republican woman interviewed on CNN who said all seventeen year old boys do things like this. My husband did not as he quickly noted. Our two sons never did such things. Nor did their friends. What kind of dreadful company did he keep who still cover for him it seems. What does Brett Kavanaugh have to hide that his party is so afraid of an F.B.I. investigation and that they areramming this hearing through so quickly denying so many requests of the accuser? His interview last night was not under oath. When sworn earlier, he only swore to events in his adult life. He needs to have the decency to withdraw his name even though his party is willing to disgrace themselves pushing ahead.
68
"Boys will be boys"? It's an old an excuse for violent behavior, what total nonsense. Not all boys behave in this manner and not all boys are taught that women are mere objects to be used. Where did these boys get these ideas about women? I don't know any woman who has not had her #MeToo experience, more then once, tragically it's the norm...and that also includes many men, far more I suspect then come forward due to the shame involved. Enough of this cultural abuse. No decent man behaves in this way, and no decent man behaves this way and lies about it. The women who tolerate this from men are undermining the lives of all women & girls as well as many men & boys who suffer in silence. 5000+ years of oppression and male boots on our necks must end.
20
I couldn't have been more than eleven-years-old. My chest was still flat. and I was wearing a typical cotton summer dress with short, puffy sleeves and a tie-back belt. I had just finished the sixth grade and had to go to summer school for Spanish. Not many kids had to go, so there wasn't the usual parade of students walking together to and from school. Summer school got out at noon. And one day, walking home alone with my books in my arms, there was a car driving very slowly along side of me. I was nervous, but I glanced over at the can and there was a grown man, alone, driving with one hand and wagging his penis at me with the other. I ran as fast as I could home. He didn't follow me. When I think back on it, I think he got his thrill when I looked in his car. My reaction of fear and horror was what he was after. And yes, I'm 73-years-old now and I remember it clearly.
27
It is very important that these stories are heard. Only through relaying these events can we hope to prevent this in the future. My question to all of you Progressives is where was (is) your anger and anguish over Bill Clinton? It is well established that he's a serial sexual predator. Also, where is your outrage over HRC's concerted efforts to destroy any woman who dared to tell their story? There's a special place in hell for women who destroy other women - especially for political expediency.
4
I participated in the Women's March and thought it was the most amazing experience. And it was, it opened the floodgates for more marches, and, importantly the #MeToo movement. The downside is the flood of memories that I relive almost daily. Being molested at 14,the constant barrage of guys pushing for sex all my dating life, having a man push his erect penis against me in the Paris Metro at 20, date raped at 21, having my body grabbed on the streets, the leers and comments. You think you own your body and your space, but all of these moments chip away at that. I'm not sure, now, decades later, what is mine, or what ever was.
When I see how the government, run by white men whose seats were bought, talk about or completely disregard women I wonder even more whose country is this? Is it mine? My body doesn't always feel like it's mine, public and private spaces haven't always been mine. In the end I also realize its a cultural acceptance that has to change, and the many decent men that do exist have to stand up NOW. Don't ask women to recount their tales to validate this problem. The randomness cannot be controlled all the time, but Congress and the Supreme Court can be controlled. Stop this and stop this now.
14
I became a feminist of the Gloria Steinem variety along about 1968-70. But #metoo has caused me to re-examine my own behavior from the past.
Basically, the worst I recall was taking a young woman on the back of my motorcycle for a picnic in the woods. We made out a bit--no intercourse attempted--then I took her back home.
"No" has always meant "no" to me, and this is because I get no sexual thrill from forcing myself on anyone. Isn't this kind of normal?
Judging from the cruelty of Kavanaugh's yearbook inscription, he is a sexual deviant. Someone who takes satisfaction from forcing himself on others.
I'm not like this, and I'm hoping most men are not like this. A man like me wants to be wanted...and withdraws when he's rejected.
Again...isn't this normal?
14
Decent men, like Brett Kavanaugh, may not even have sex until they finish college. This man is so far ahead of the everyday NY Times mob that I'm not surprised that they'd like to destroy him.
Sexual assault is so bad that every criminal doing it needs to be stopped and caught, but don't you demean every victim when you just go around grabbing political opponents and charging or hanging them on a guess and a whim?
There are progressive Democrats involved with party finances who have been arrested and tried for sexual assaults on women and even young children, but we are spared all those details because that falls in the majority of news subjects that the NY Times never even covers.
Some years ago I was photocopying a long document at Staple's when a much older woman came up behind me, pressed herself against me and started hissing in my ear. It was disgusting, offensive - not just the physical contact, which men, pace feminism, do not want imposed on them any more than women do, but also this woman's attitude of a particular type of condescension, a sadistic, poisonously obvious vibe of malicious depravity. I wanted, in outrage, to turn around and shove her away - but among the first things she sneered into my ear was that Staple's in-store videotape would be used to prosecute me, and not her, if I did anything like that. Every last person seeing the tape would ignore the context, pretend to just see what I did to her, not her initiating a conflict, or committing sexual assault. I was actually further offended by this attempt to pretend that men are childishly stupid about society's political blinkers. I stepped pointedly away from her, and indicated that there was no customer by the store's other photocopy machine. I once tried to describe the pervasiveness of the cultural atmosphere which gave one of my teachers in high school the idea that she was justified in erasing many of the answers on my PSAT score sheet, and which intimidated/confused into hesitation a friend who saw her doing it into silence. My mother's response was vile. Blinkers are dangerous. They degrade us into being more like people who are willing to assault people.
Most all of the boys in my school , as I recall, were obsessed with girls 24/7. It was not uncommon for them to carry a condom in their wallet in hopes of someone actually saying “ yes” one late night at a party. They even rated girls from one to ten as the ones they had heard were accommodating to their lusting. Those girls were known as teasers and if things went to far, the boy would receive a light slap...with a smile usually. None were ever arrested or even ostracized as I recall. It was just a part of growing up back then. A Birds and the Bees Fonzie Happy Daz kind of era.
Thank you Theresa.
3
I grew up with three sisters, and have *never* treated any female I worked with, or whom I dated, with anything like unwanted touching—let alone displaying of my genitals. I was taught the difference between right and wrong, and to respect others. No frat membership for me.
It doesn’t matter how old you are, who you are, what office you’ve been nominated for—if you’re old enough to know better, don’t do it! How do you serial offenders/serial deniers sleep at night? (This goes for religious, film, TV and any other execs who think they are so priviledged and entitled.)
5
I believe most women have stories. My first “story” happened when I was 8 or 9 years old as I was walking to a swimming lesson on an early summer evening. Three or four teenage boys approached me & surrounded me, forcing me against a parked car. One of them grabbed at my genitals while the others hovered threateningly. Soon they stopped & I actually went on to my swimming lesson feeling angry, violated, bewildered. In my early twenties, I was coming home from work & a young man followed me up the driveway to the door of my apartment building. As I opened the outer door, he stuck his hand up the back of my skirt before running away. A week or two later, I thought I saw him again but wasn’t sure. He followed me right to the elevator and, when I asked what he wanted, he asked, “Does Tom Jones live here?” Fortunately another tenant entered the lobby then & he ran off. The third time I saw him, I kept walking past my building, went to a supermarket at the corner & called the police. When they arrived, one of the officers loudly announced that they were there “on a molesting charge.” I was mortified as I introduced myself. They asked me if I wanted to press charges but implied that it wouldn’t be worth the paperwork. The officers took me home & I never saw that young man again. To this day, I wonder if he ever assaulted or raped anyone. If he did, could I have prevented it? That was over 45 years ago. These aren’t even terrible stories, but I hate that I consider myself lucky.
7
This opinion piece, as in others the NYT has recently printed are distinguishable in one important way:
They all presume the guilt of Brett Kavanaugh and then use his accuser's stories as a springboard to tell us their own stories.
This is nothing other than mob mentality, and women's legitimate experiences being weaponized for partisan political purposes.
The contradictions and hypocrisy are astounding.
No NYT opinion piece writers have yet expressed remorse that they, their Democratic allies,( many of whom were in Congress in the 1990s,) or their media supporters, that women from a lower economic strata than Professor Ford and Ms Ramirez were humiliated, ignored, condemned and disbelieved, when the perpetrator was a different President of the United States; Bill Clinton. Hillary Clinton's take was that Bill was a victim of a "vast right wing conspiracy."
Which made it OK.
The NYT has yet to print any opinion piece in which the writer expresses dismay that the real "Patriarchy" exists in the world's Muslim countries. To do so would be "Islamaphobic," and thus, politically incorrect.
The last time white women were automatically believed when leveling sexual assault allegations, and the man was presumed guilty until proven innocent, many black men were hung from trees.
I don't like mobs, or mob mentality, from the Left or the Right. And the NYT fans the flame of polarization in the name of partisan political objectives.
We used to call that "yellow journalism."
4
The cool guys in high school and college were taking soft drugs, listening to and playing rock music and having consensual sex.
The cool guys were not drinking themselves into oblivion and raping girls.
10
How many times have you discovered that a "decent" man, be it a relative, friend, neighbor, classmate, or co-worker, is having a perverse or sometimes criminal sex life? Oh, the shock!
What frat boy is the drunk who assaults women? Does he have a particular look or feature to clue her in? When the whole frat is drinking, how does one tell? And do we know what a pedophile looks like? Bet you can't pick him out if we filled up a room with other non-pedophiles.
And by the way, many more men than women have sexual addictions to porn, prostitutes, and extra-marital affairs. How many of you know about Sexual Addicts Anonymous (SAA)? You might be surprised at the attendance each week and these folks look "decent" like your dad, your grandfather, your son, your co-worker, or your frat brother.
These FACTS are the reason why thorough investigations need to happen when credible allegations arise. I would guess that many of the #metoo accused have sex addictions which I hope they are getting help for. Sex addiction carries a more intense amount of shame and humiliation than other addictions, and not just for the addict, but also for the family members.
So NO Senator can judge any man's sexual life based on looks, resumes, and his quaint little family. Sexual misbehavior, unfortunately, is a much harder nut to crack.
9
Georgetown Prep ... the only Jesuit (that would be Catholic ... boarding school in the United States. Have an ominous feeling omething culturally coincidental going on here - but I just can't seem to put my finger on it.
6
Please NYT stop this madness! Yes yes good men don't assult women. I believe Kavanaugh is a good man and so I don't believe Dr. Ford... but then I know a whole lot more about him then I do her. Where is the investigative reporting regarding her mental fitness and stories about her time in high school? She has made a serious accusation she cannot take back and should be looked into... the Dems won't allow that or then again maybe they did look into and couldn't find anything to back her. There is no evidence to support her claim... in fact its a THEY said SHE said situation. The stories about her are nonexistant because this paper does not want to chase her away. The poor thing has made herself a savior, a golden goose for the Dems and those who support their agenda. Btw... I am not an old white male... I'm a woman who has been sexually assulted however I hate anyone being "lynched" and their family suffer for it because that person happens to be an unfairly accused white guy.
4
Normal, healthy boys do not sexually attack girls (or other boys). Full stop. One knows, inside, you know that this is not to be done. It is wrong, bad. Full stop. I simply cannot fathom how some can find excuses for this type of behavior...
14
Kavanaugh's innocent. Saw it on Fox News.
4
So, I'm a professional, in an office with a colleague whom our supervisor has already arranged (without consulting me) that I should date. And as we discuss some professional issue or another, this colleague takes off his shoes and socks and starts picking at his toes. And then he stops that and proceeds to massage his genitals, at considerably greater length than was justified. And continues to insist that we continue this professional discussion. And never perceives that this is indecent behaviour, pointless, stupid, offensive and quite wrong. This is just because he could. This was just because I could not believe what I was seeing. I couldn't get away fast enough. I will never understand what mental defect would allow this indecency to take place. Not then, not 25 years later, not ever.
8
Shakespeare wrote another play featuring sexual coercion: Measure for Measure. Angelo is trying to blackmail Isobel into having sex with him:
Who will believe thee, Isabel?
My unsoil’d name, the austereness of my life,
My vouch against you, and my place i’ the state,
Will so your accusation overweigh,
That you shall stifle in your own report
And smell of calumny.
(Act II, Sc. iv)
It was ever thus.
12
The problem, of course, is sorting out the truth when this sort of thing happens. We know, for example, that 14 year old Emmett Till was lynched in Mississippi when a white woman, Carolyn Bryant, lied about his behavior in her store. Her husband and another man kidnapped Till, tortured and mutilated him before killing him and sinking his body in the Tallahatchee River. We know for a fact that Ms. Bryant fabricated her story, she later admitted it to an historian studying the case.
5
Women, far from denying your pain, I'm on your side, but if you want change you have got to VOTE! A majority of white women voted for Donald Trump. He is the epitome of the entitled, white, playboy, misogynist, and you voted for him anyway. And he does do those things! These Republican good old boys (GOBs) occupy the Presidency, the Congress and dominate the Supreme Court. What exactly is wrong?
I, a 73 year old man, have been voting against that old, gray haired, white business as usual crowd for 50 years, but America seems to like them. I'd vote 100 times in a row for a candidate like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, rather than her tired old entitled Democratic opponent. Now how about Beto O'Rourke, awesome; why would anyone vote for Cruz? But Americans keep voting GOBs back into office.
Oh, I know, "my vote doesn't matter". Baloney! The people who vote are the ones who keep the GOB's in office. Mid-term vote percentages are typically less than 22% of all eligible voters! How about millennial women making that 30% in 2018 and kick the GOB's out.
20
Man, Shakespeare was good.
4
I’ve never done anything like that and never had to fight the impulse to do it either. I don’t really credit my decency for it—it’s more that the idea of sex with a woman who is being repulsed and terrified by my behavior, might even want to kill me, just isn’t something I find sexy
3
Kavanaugh wrote "beach week Ralph club"
Ralph means throwing up drunk.
what does
devil's triangle
mean?
This man is unfit.
10
I believe Kavanaugh was an offensive, boastful, debauched teenager. The culture of drinking to excess and violating females is a sick culture, and not enough has been said about this environment and the values it engenders.
Unfortunately we will never find out for sure what happened because there will apparently be no investigation. It's obvious that the Republicans don't want to entertain the truth. Get Kavanaugh confirmed quickly, before more accusers come out of the woodwork. Just cover the whole mess up. Disgusting.
4
I am a 60 year old white man and am desperate for women to wake up to this misogyny and stop it
I am on your side but you have 51 percent of the vote
6
Decent newspapers don't print unsubstantiated stories either. Not proof of guilt or innocence but the nytimes refused to go with Ramirez story. Why didn't they?
I let my subscription to the New Yorker go several years ago. It started printing beliefs with only the journalist conclusion.I preferred when they present facts and allowed you to make your own conclusions.
Where will Mr Farrow end up when this witch hunt is over? He's made his name as the machette of #metoo. I doubt he'll be sitting near Woodward and Bernstein in the Journalist hall of fame. 60 minutes? Not the National Enquier their standards are to high.
3
So you have twin daughters? I hope you are honest with them and tell them that your liberal politics takes precedence over the truth. I hope you tell them that they too, as was the case with Norma McCorvey ("Rove as in Roe v. Wade") can be sacrificed as McCorvey was for the feminist cause.Dr. Ford did not want to come forward and was promised confidentiality. Yet the ladies of the LEFT leaked. #MeToo is not about truth it is only about the "ME". Be sure to tell your daughters and please God tell me that you do not have sons.
1
I have known very “decent”, family oriented, dependable racists. They are still racists.
11
Also furthering the misogyny is pop culture's advice to impressionable (mostly) males that women secretly, deep down, really like the bad boys. Or, don't find yourself in the "friend" zone. Or, nice guys sleep alone ... etc. etc. etc.
This kind of absurd meme-train creates an entire cohort (not just adolescents) who believes that you have to be a disgusting chauvinist pig to 'win' that woman. It's horrifying.
4
I want to know if any women will come forward and accuse Kavanaugh of sexual abuse after he left prep school. I'm a rabid Democrat
1
A friend of mine once told me that as student in an elite college she got drunk and a group of boys took turns raping her. When she came to she found herself on a leather couch the seat beneath her was all wet. One if the young beasts took her home and said " we wouldn't want you to get raped or anything." He was smiling when he said it. When I heard about what Mark Judge confessed to his girlfriend it sounded eerily similar though it was several years later. So there is some kind of trained pattern that these groups of men are engaging in at these schools. To me this is akin to the lynching of blacks by whites. This is the Klan against women but they don't dare name it as such - it is all done in secret like an inside joke which makes it even worse in my view. It us all about the degradation of women. We are indeed seeing the underside of our culture.
11
The more these assaults are brought to our attention the more of us relive what happened to us. From this woman's very young encounter with boys a few years older than her to a rape of a friend. Of the few incidents that happened to me the worst memory is of the 17 year old neighbor taking advantage of the circumstances in my life. I was 12, living through a horrific childhood, I knew about sex through school sex ed, but did not understand the "mechanics" of it. He groomed me with "I love you"~no one ever told me that~so while I was bewildered, he got my pants off and it was over. I was freaked out. He dressed, kissed me, said I love you and was gone. I did not have any contact with him after that. Of course did not tell anyone~my mother was a terrible person, my siblings would have laughed, did not have any friends I could tell. This happened 52 years ago. From that encounter, I protected myself from being in that situation again. It was many years into my marriage when I told my husband. His response was "oh that happens to lots of people". Yeah that felt awful. Has not and will not come up again, life has gone on. I am a survivor. Strong enough to fight the PTSD that rears up with every article I read of other survivors.
74
I don’t know anyone - including any white males - who condone anyone attacking women, or attacking anyone else for that matter.
Perhaps the author needs to stop dating “bad boys”, and hang out with the 99% of men who are decent human beings.
Wake up!
The noble men and women of the Grand Old Party support the leadership of a raving lunatic and his creepy cadre. Say hello to the next Supreme Court Justice sitting on our highest court in a land of laws, for life. This struggle is far from over. Every woman I know is praying that Stephanie Clifford takes down our horrid President, his irreparably dishonored administration and the frightening amoral base who hang on every twisted idea. These are men and women that think it is ok to put children in cages. They are capable of anything.
11
You conflate the actions of children, adolescents and young adults. We all took part in curiosity behaviors as children. On two occasions slightly older (7-10 yr old) girls pulled down a neighbor's pants and handled his genitalia. That's what children (both boys and girls) do.
I bet Ms Brown and/or her friends did similar things as children and even adolescents.
1
"Decent" and "Republican" don't go together. It's an entire party of miscreants.
9
There are very few decent men or women in the Trump cult Republican party.
2
Out of the limelight, I wonder what Kavanaugh’s wife and daughters think.
5
In an earliedr comment I noted that from a biological perspective, aggressive behavior of adolescent and post-adolescent males is normal.
Several readers claim I am just making excuses, using pseudoscience, and other similar things one might expect from ideologues, but not people schooled in developmental biology.
So, yo whiners, read:
For lazy people, try: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-human-beast/200907/sex-viole...
Others start with Hormones, Brain and Behavior, 2009, ISBN 978-0-08-088783-8
Or
Jon K. Oxford, Johanna M. Tiedtke, Anna Ossmann, Dominik Özbe, Oliver C. Schultheiss. Endocrine and aggressive responses to competition are moderated by contest outcome, gender, individual versus team competition, and implicit motives. PLOS ONE, 2017; 12 (7): e0181610 DOI: 10.1371/journal.pone.0181610
And, BTW, women have a nasty side too:
Aggression in Women: Behavior, Brain and Hormones
Thomas F. Denson1*, Siobhan M. O’Dean1, Khandis R. Blake2 and Joanne R. Beames1
1School of Psychology, University of New South Wales, Sydney, NSW, Australia
2Evolution & Ecology Research Centre, School of Biological, Earth & Environmental Science, University of New South Wales, Sydney, NSW, Australia
1
It is no surprise that virtually every male politician who invokes the "boys will be boys" excuse were members of fraternities in college. Those organizations breed hostility and entitlement toward women's bodies, and I can say this as someone who was in a sorority in college and encountered many of these slimy Kavanuagh types.
15
It is amazing to hear how little Republican women think of men.
2
Decent men are not Republicans.
4
Unreal. How one sided can you get? You act like there are actual facts that back up Mr. Kavanaugh’s accuser, you act like it’s in anyway been proven that he did it. You give a few cherry picked examples of men doing bad things, no counter examples of women who falsely accuse men. No mention of a Duke lacrosse or any of the countless other hoaxes that have ruined men’s lives. Come on, you just look silly, but I know there are a lot of folks that will fall for it.
2
What a society we live in. Assaulters of women using fire extinguishers on their victims when they protest, African-American men shot by police because they “acted suspicious.” And then when protests are made, the protesters are declared “in-American.” A president who is a known sexual assaulter who then refers to reports of his misconduct as fake news. Both legislative bodies not only refusing to properly fight against Russian intervention into America’s affairs, but aggressively fighting against investigators. A Supreme Court about to have not one, but two members with a cloud over them for sexual misconduct, and given permission to make decrees about what women cannot do with their own bodies. And, to top it off, Bill Cosby about to be sentenced for drugging and raping women. Oh, what a world we live in.
3
There is a man in the White House who is not decent. And he wants to put another man who is not decent on the Supreme Court. There s already a man on the Supremes Court who is not decent.
"What a world!" Said by the wicked witch of the west.
2
Precisely!
It's going to be so wonderful when this nomination is finally settled, one way or the other, and the Times can go back to reporting on SCOTUS, instead of acting as shill for the Left with constant opinion pieces like this one. The Times bragged about refusing to report on The New Yorker piece about a second woman coming forward to accuse Kavanaugh of some dastardly deed because the Times could not verify it, but I've already seen two big references to that charge carried in this piece and Ms. Goldberg's "ruling class" diatribe, and if I read everything else in today's paper, I'm sure I'll find other references to it. So, the Times's reputation for good journalism remains unsullied, because they have other writers and Op-ed people to act as their own shills in getting this spurious information before the public without the seeming imprimatur of the Times. And the readers never really catch on. Amazing!
1
The tactics of the Effete Left have sunk to a horrid predicability. It’s as if we’re watching a Chuck Norris movie with the Kavenaugh nomination.
One need not see “Missing in Action 6” to know how it ends; so too with this nomination. Where is the party of JFK today ??
Keep it up, Democrats.
Well said. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your story. Mine is similar. What I'm beginning to wonder is if, perhaps, decent men do do these things. If so many of us have stories like yours, of multiple assaults and abuses, that can only mean that there are a lot more men out there with personality disorders or worse. Or, that even decent men think it's okay to do something like this, at some point in their lives. Ugh.
5
I feel shame for my gender when I hear all the ways that males have mistreated females - in all its forms from talk to physical attack and rape. I do not understand it how anyone would see this as acceptable. Terrible.
6
And yet women, en masse, continue voting for politicians like Trump and Bill Clinton with known sexual transgressions against women.
Why aren't women rising up against their tormentors?
2
While I totally agree with the author's main point, that decent men do not do these things and that anyone who does is not a decent person, her view of the Senate is more akin to Brutus's than to Antony's.
Brutus and the other Senators openly stabbed Caesar, so there was no question of did they do it, much like how Kavanaugh's accusers are using their accusations to stab him. Kavanaugh is more in the role of Caesar, who may or may not have committed despicable acts but is being cut down over them without proof.
1
As a teenager I lived with my father, a financial well off man. who was a fugitive from the law (tax evasion), he also had a criminal past. Living with him was not my idea and it was scary. Among other things I learned to change my clothes under a robe.
At 17 he, in his rage, stopped feeding me. There was no food in the apartment, only the bag of potatoes and salt I had hidden. He wanted me out. I had no one who would take me. He tired to make me go with a man who flashed a Beverly Hills police badge. To me the man seemed too old to be a police officer, not dress properly, and we did not live in Beverly Hills. He told me that he going to have this man take me to a woman who knew what to do with girls like me, someone who turned out girls as prostitutes. I would not leave with this man.
I did leave not long after with a small allowance and moved into a rented room, I was 17. For years I told people about his starving me out, but it took decades for me to admitted out loud that my father wanted to turn me out. I have always been haunted by this memory for over 40 years.
75
@RB. You might want to check your facts. A tax evasion fugitive has his wages garnished and his property, including his home, will be seized. Anyone with a SSN is easily found. The chances that your father lived well beyond the reach of the IRS are slim and none. Tax fugitives generally flee to tax havens. Anyone who lives well out of view of the IRS should write a book about how it’s done. Not even Al Capone could figure it out.
With 7.6 billion male and females on earth every female can find a good man, and every man can find a good woman. Males that rape women lack confidence as males. These individuals need to be psychologically tested since the first grade in school, every year till they reach adulthood. The propensity to rape and/or kill can be discovered. However, the supreme court will not allow a mandatory law to test kids for any reason.
you are completely right. And, it is also complicated. I did things as a young boy I am ashamed of doing. It was a violent neighborhood and I was so scared, I did things that hurt others. People weaker than I was. Girls.
I also was sexually assaulted as a teen by two different men. I know the stupidity and aggression of which boys are capable. I know the feeling of powerlessness when assaulted by older, stronger men. I did not know it was sexual assault for 25 more years when I suddenly remembered it and had learned what sexual assault was.
I am a decent man, but I was not a perfect boy. What to do with that, when that is the case for many decent men who had to become decent men, having been stupid, even assaultive boys? I don't know. I just know that I have lived for fifty years beyond my young years working to ensure that females and males are safe from stupid, and/or criminal acts. When it comes to this judge, I must say, I don't believe him. Women don't make up the story Dr. Ford reports. The price, and the pain level, as she is learning, is too high.
2
The bottom line is that the author thinks that Kavanaugh should be considered guilty just because he has been accused. But her rejection of any sense of a presumption of innocence or due process is selective. She never once mentioned accused rapist Bill Clinton, whose accuser was much more credible than Dr. Ford.
1
I don't think empathy can be taught, so much as encouraged.
If empathy is lacking to begin with, there's little hope it will find expression through behavior.
The failure to exercise empathy, is an imbalance of emotional forces in the mind of the perpetrator.
Abusers are born for the role, not made for it. There's something wrong with them that can't be fixed or re-educated. They are stunted, under-developed, 'unfinished by god'.
Keep this sicko Kavanaugh off the supreme court, and out of the public service.
3
The "boys will boys" defense is offensive to most boys.
1
Another kangaroo court conviction.
I guess now I know what mass hysteria and "sexual panic" are. It is not a pretty sight. OK some of the stuff is really bad, but some is just ridiculous.
Take the tale that Theresa opens with. She was 6 or 7 and some "older" boys tried (or succeeded, it's not clear) to touch her genitals with theirs. She balked and they called her chicken! But what does "older" mean? Were the boys 7 or 9 or 11? If they were 7, then I call Theresa's story ridiculous. 11 and it gets more worrying, but it depends on the circumstances.
Even I was young once, and I had at least one similar experience and several different ones, but I refuse to join in the general moaning and groaning or to detail my "explicit" true confessions.
I really grieve for those of you who were raped or injured or humiliated. I think I can imagine how that can wreck a life.
But for rest of us who, like me, just experienced some juvenile fumbling or horseplay or even groping (who didn't?), I think you are just ridiculous and obsessive.
Maybe you were groped in a crowded public space. I have been there, and my heartfelt advice is an elbow or fist in the solar plexus.
Or you have gotten paid aggressive compliments. I get it that that can be downright scary. But that doesn't make you special. We have all at one time or another panicked and/or "run in panic" when, say, a group of youths swarms us and demands money.
Bad stuff happens. Your duty and mine is to get over it and get on with our lives!
2
The fact that some women have been assaulted or had unwanted sexual attention at a young age, repress it then remember it later -- is irrelevant to the issue of whether Kavanaugh assaulted Ford. I never knew any girl in HS or college, and I knew many, who was assaulted or raped or harassed. Nor did my wife (different schools) nor my daughter in HS or college. Not even a rumor of such an event. That doesn't mean nothing ever happened of course but it couldn't have been happening with any frequency. And the guys I knew in HS and college weren't the kind that would approve of that kind of behavior. My fraternity was full of rowdy guys who loved to drink, but they also would intervene if anyone in the fraternity behaved inappropriately at a party towards a female.
I also have known women who loved to party and invited as much male attention as they could -- and would participate in some wild behavior. Others I've known have clearly misinterpreted male behavior. An example. When I was in grad school, I was in a seminar in a prof's office. There were four or five people there. One of the students, a woman, had brought up a rather ridiculous theoretical position -- and the prof shut her down pretty hard -- which he did to all his students regardless of gender. As we were all leaving he put his arm around her in a consoling way. She became outraged as if she had been attempting a sexual advance. Clearly it wasn't.
1
you hit it all spot on. thank you.
1
Power. It is all about rich white male power. They will NEVER give it up until it is torn from them. Witness what they are doing to "democracy" in the face of change of demographics. They are packing the court NOW so when the numbers are overwhelmingly against them, they can continue to reinvent the system on the fly. And continue to harass and rape at will.
1
Where were all these complaints when it was Bill Clinton and Teddy Kennedy. Hillary was right there by his side calling the women liars. NOW she's suddenly saying women should always be believed. Oh but that was SO long ago. Well not as long ago as Kavanaugh's high school years.
IF true, this is shameful. But to say it is just the republicans...oh please...let's hear the comments about Sen. Cory Booker - he outright admits groping women...where is the outrage for him? He gets a pass because he's a democrat? Really?
2
The martial arts club that I belonged to as a teen age boy, and later in college offered self defense glasses to woman. For karate and judo to actually deter attackers you have to kick, punch, and put everything you have into.
The male students who were the "attackers" in practice sessions wore heavy body padding to absorb the blows, but even with lots of "encouragement" (verbal), it was very difficult to get the women to "do what it takes" to stop a man.
Still it would be worthwhile for school systems to offer martial arts to female students in phys ed.
Watching a whole class of teenage girls kicking groin high, chest high, and face high makes an impression. Chance are their dates will behave better and that skill won't be needed.
2
Your title says it all, Ms. Brown: decent men do NOT do these things, period.
5
The majority of responses to this article, and to others, seem to start with "I." "I this...", "I had a...", "I had this happen..." These comment sections have turned into solipsistic rant rooms/amateur therapy sessions. Please debate the topic at hand and not simply list your issues. In the words of Neil Page, "It makes it so much more interesting for the listener," which in this case is the reader.
3
Theresa Brown always writes with insight and compassion.
I am only sorry that she does not contribute articles much more often. She is someone who deserves to be read, and to be reread.
2
Excellent. Thank you.
1
Predatory sexual behavior is not something one grows out of.
5
Well, I have finally heard everything. A guy sprays a girl in the face with a fire extinguisher and that is somehow related to the fact that she is a female, so that must qualify as sexual assault? What if a girl sprays a guy in the face with a fire extinguisher? Sexual assault? In both cases, not at all.
Some weirdo pervert is flashing people on a winter's night and that is somehow sexual assault? Not at all. He is a weirdo pervert standing around. He probably flashed a dozen people. Is any normal person traumatized by this? Really? Some weirdo pervert flashed me once. I thought it was pretty hilarious.
#metoo has just gone too far. Y'all are turning us women into victims just for crossing the street and getting whistled at. Every interaction between a jerk guy and an female person is not harassment. Not at all. Quit with the "I was so helpless" thing already. I got flashed on day by a weirdo pervert. I am not a victim of anything besides having the amazing courage to actually leave my house and go outdoors that day.
2
I was a typical, for my neighborhood, young man. But ‘no’ always meant ‘no’, and I didn’t want somebody that didn’t want me. Force myself on some girl? Not on your life, my mother raised me better than that.
This guy is a creep, and creeps should not get to become Justices of the Supreme Court.
But Republicans no longer care about stuff like that. Sad.
7
Do you know why so many men sexually abuse females? Because they know they can get away with it. Over and over again.
It is highly unlikely they will get reported or prosecuted, ever.
They do it with impunity.
3
I have yet to hear a definition of sexual misconduct or even assault. One we can all agree on. Wonder why that is?
1
Brett Kavanaugh and his entire prep school football team may have used their high school yearbook to snidely and very publicly defame the reputation of a girl in his social circle, (https://www.nytimes.com/2018/09/24/business/brett-kavanaugh-yearbook-ren...
but I'm sure he's a super nice guy now.
2
At this point, "Republican" and "Misogynist" are pretty much synonymous in my mind.
11
Well said. I never understand the apologists for sexual assault. There are millions of upstanding men and boys who would never, ever do this. They are the normal ones and those who commit assaults are aberrations. To excuse the behavior of these deviants is a black mark against us all.
1
All women have these types of stories. According to rainn 1 out of every 6 women has been the victim of a completed or attempted rape in their lifetime. We're taught that we must dress modestly, shouldn't drink to excess, and must always be aware of our surroundings. Men don't have to worry about what could happen on an isolated road or a dark alley. Being a woman means being on guard at all times.
The questions that kavenough wanted to ask Monica Lewinsky were too lewd to print. Based on Dr Ford's accusations and the reports that he only hires clerks who look like a Barbie he has demonstrated a boys will be boys lack of respect for women his entire adult life. That he's the GOP choice says a lot about the grand old party and how they view women.
In the #metoo era women have had enough. We're tired of being on guard and we want our daughters to experience true freedom to be themselves without fear of being violated due to their womanhood. There's no place on the supreme court for men who don't respect women.
14
Funny how all the people defending Kavanaugh here are, sadly, men....
3
Kavanaugh should have gone into medicine. The Texas Medical Board’s statute of limitations is seven years. The gastroenterologist who groped my breast in 1988 sleeps soundly. I don’t.
4
so sad there is a lot of weird situations everywhere http://www.translation.pk/korean-translation.html
1
I'm pretty sure that the senate will fight to keep "The Kav"
on the supreme court. When Obama was elected the senate majority leader Mitch McConnell announced that they would not let anything Obama tried to do, happen.
I knew then that our democracy was in trouble.
Putting the Kav on the Supreme court is just another power grab by the Republicans.
I'm ashamed I ever voted for a Republican and will never make that mistake again.
8
tread on dangerous territory because guys who don't "get it" often come in for heavy criticism. But my questions are worth the risk.
Here, a six year old touches genitals with older boys. I would think that she would know that the conduct was naughty, but not that it was abusive. As for Dr. Nassar and all the gymnasts, many seemed to think that the contact was medical until he was exposed as a charlatan. For both examples my question is how and when the offensive conduct becomes traumatic. And if it is traumatic before it is understood to be abusive, how is that?
Next, lots of us have surely seen men who expose themselves. To me, these guys are big time losers akin to the homeless -- they are pathetic, they don't exercise self control, and what they do reflects their lot in life, not what they think about me. So, again I'm lost about what is abusive about flashing.
As for the issue of consent, the need to stop is clear. But what are men supposed to make of a no that comes right on the verge of climax? Does no mean no when a guy thinks it's way too late.
I think that guys sometime deserve a say. And these are examples where I don't understand where women are coming from. That's all.
While I have other questions, I fear I have already gone too far. As I say, my questions are in good faith. And my personal rule is to always put myself in the other person's shoes before judging, My simple request is that some woman do the same.
I wish every woman who has been assaulted sent their story to Grassley's office..there would be thousands.
4
@WHS
I'm a 63 year old man who believes these women.
Why?
Because I'm a 63 year old man.
88
And also a world where men KILL women. Just ask the citizens of Iowa where two lovely young college persons have been killed in the last few months.
Let’s count what percent of serial killers and rapist are women. Almost none. We all know this and we aren’t calling it out enough. How many females are child pornographers? How many women are rogue priests? It’s all about power, guys.
78
Thank you for this article, Ms. Brown. I have learned to trust no man until he earns my trust, which takes some doing. Men who do bad things to women are entitled jerks at best and sociopaths at worst. Once while my boyfriend and I were with a couple who were our friends, I was inadvertently left alone with the husband for a few minutes. Without any warning he walked up to me and gave me a French kiss, as if it were his right. I was shocked and annoyed but I didn't want to make a scene with his wife there. I told my boyfriend soon after, and he believed me. We never socialized with them again but to protect the wife we also never said anything. I was only kissed against my will, but I know friends and family members who were raped (my friend was raped by someone she knew) and it infuriates and sickens me.
It is sad and scary that too many men have not come far from the neanderthal mindset that women are objects to be used at will. Men should be raised to be the protectors of women, so parents and society must do a better job of teaching boys to respect females. To women, I say do not give your trust to any man until he has earned it and know that, given the opportunity, even the men you know might do very bad things.
49
@CJ There's no evidence that Neanderthals objectified women. How about calling this mindset "male" instead?
1
Decent men respect and encourage women’s right to choose.
This goes for any aspect of sex.
Including its potential for pregnancy.
This means Decent Men concern themselves with protected sex, even if consensual. And they concern themselves with the
Effects of Sex - including pregnancy, including what to do about a pregnancy, including recognizing a women’s decision-making ability and right to choose.
Rape cancels choice. It assumes the male has control over her body.
Men who take choice away from women, whether it’s choice to copulate or choice to give birth, such men are not decent men.
2
Indecency against women comes in myriad ways as this author articulates well in this piece.
For me, it was a walk down a dark and desolate dirt road in rural India when an elderly man on a bicycle coming in the opposite direction abruptly jumps off the bike and exposes himself to me; it was on an overnight hurtling bus ride (again, in India) when I had no choice but to sit next to a brawny young chap in the window seat and as I drifted in an out of consciousness I sensed someone holding my hand and it wasn't until daybreak and hours later that I knew with certainty that this man was touching me as I slept; it was during a walk in Brussels, wearing a heavy coat and scarf, when a man in a leather jack urgently shoved a 100 euro note into my hand and enquired, "sex?...sex?...sex?"
1
@Jeremy Bounce Rumblethud
You seem to be suggesting that these acts are a rite of passage, common, expected, unsurprising.
In that case, Kavanaugh should say, "Hey, I'm sorry, my bad. I grew out of it just as it was meant to be."
Decent men own up to their past.
1
Ms. Brown has written an important article and communicated deeply troubling experiences, which, unfortunately, are echoed by so very many women. Sexual assault should not be commonplace, nor should it be tolerated by those of us who know right from wrong. This evil is insidious, worming its way into the psych of victims and perpetrators alike where it breeds for generations to come.
People who dismiss misogynistic acts and laud the character of those accused of these crimes, as conservatives routinely do, speak loudly about their values and the hate they harbour for others. Speaking out forcefully and confronting misogyny and sexual assault in all its guises, keeping it framed in the harsh light of day, not letting up when perpetrators and their enablers try to overwhelm the conversation by shouting over the din of disgust, is the only way to force change.
Thank you Ms. Brown, and all the others who humbly share their experiences, so the rest of us can begin to know what it is like to live with the harm of those who assault and enable it. Decent people do not behave this way and we should call out the indecent.
3
Well said. So many stories. No more excuses for these guys. There are men who knew not to behave this way. Let’s stop giving these guys a pass.
1
Personally I believe Kavanaugh did it. I believe so not only because I find the evidence thus far (yearbook, therapist notes, lie detector test, willingness to be investigated by the FBI) but also because of the sense of entitlement that Kavanaugh is exuding even now. He wants to be on the SCOTUS and he is determined nothing will stop him. It's fine with him the Republicans are ramming through his candidacy, it's fine that a lot of people believe his accuser, what matters to this guy is winning. He stinks, like the rest of the entitled rich white guys in his party.
3
True. It's character and integrity versus hypocrisy, duplicity, and complicity. It's clear what side the Republicans are on. What's unclear is how our entire society can be so unbelievably complicit to hideous behavior. When one considers the Weinstein Complicity Machine, Congress, this presidency in context to the principals we're taught in our youth, does it now seem an extraordinary lie concocted by evil lurking in the shadows? Is Mitch McConnell not the ultimate expression of it? Does the pendulum swing or are we simply flawed reaching out in different directions?
2
Wouldn't it be nice if women had the physical freedom to do what men take for granted: to stroll in a park alone, to walk into a parking garage alone without constantly looking over your shoulder, to sleep with the windows open.... Something has to change and it starts with men. Decent men must take responsibility for calling out their indecent brethren and insisting that all women be treated with respect. Men need to take responsibility and women need to stop blaming themselves. When Golda Meir was asked about placing a curfew on women after a series of rapes, she replied “But it is the men who are attacking the women. If there is to be a curfew, let the men stay at home.” I'm not suggesting we place a curfew on men, just that we think about this in a different way.
13
Oh, well, Kavanaugh has admitted he had a serious drinking problem as a young man. So whatever he may or may not have done - and may not remember doing - should get a pass...
Since when do we need to hire a Supreme Court Justice who has a history of drinking problems????
#PickAnotherJudge
6
Exactly what the headline says, "Decent Men Don't Do These Things". My husband, my son, my father, my brothers, no man in my family would do such a thing to women. A lot of men do things they aren't proud of, but sexual assault isn't one of them. It takes a certain type of spoiled, privileged man who would assault a woman.
2
Thank you! Looking back 40 years to my high school and undergraduate self, I have wondered about those saying things like "What guy didn't do this...?" Well, I didn't. None of my friends did it. I can't even imagine doing it. Did some guys behave very badly towards women--absolutely. They need to be dragged through the mud for the hurt they have caused regardless of how much time has passed. But, there are a whole lot of guys like me out there, so again, thank you.
3
Why the GOP will not pursue?
Because many of them have followed the same cues/triggers that their fellow buds had and still have, leading to an accepted routine and eventually the reward that they conquered the quest!
IT is sickening and it shouldn't matter how well intellectually educated you are and which prominent school you attended that leads to a prestigious, high powered role. These men are animals without the reasoning skills that make them honourable and respectful human beings.
1
"...decent men do not behave this way." That sums it up right there.
As I was growing up and learning what it meant to be a man, no longer a boy, I sometimes heard of or saw men misbehaving as described by the author in this article. We (my circle of friends and myself) instinctively knew this was unacceptable behavior and the repugnant perpetrators were not welcome into our group. It was a natural process of self-selection that required minimal second thought. It was instinctive.
The fact that the crusty old fools of the GOP can't bring themselves to make a similar choice tells me all I need to know about what the values they live by. There are men of noble character in the world, men who don't have a history of abusing women. If that is a characteristic that matters to you, they are not hard to find.
3
In all the hundreds of responses to this article, similar articles and twitter there is not one case of a man being falsely accused of a sexual attack or harassment of any kind. Ford's charges are true and more will come out about this sexual predator the Republicans want on the Supreme Court.
2
It was late at night. We were drunk. I was drunk. We were in a College Dorm Hallway. Me and two other women. We heard the screams. They were coming from a Room. The women knew we had to something. It was an Assault in progress. Possibly a Rape. They looked to me to take charge. I dipped my shoulder and entered the room forcefully. I asked if she "needed help". Yes, please, get him off me. I pulled him off. I remember very little. I remember his hair as I grabbed it and applied Fist to Face. Repeatedly. It was violent. I remember his blood. I remember my pain. I remember his eyes. His piercing blue eyes. Eyes of a mad-man. I remember the women huddling around the victim. Holding her. I remember him scattering the scene in a blur. I remember the blood, my pain, and his eyes. I could pick him out of any lineup by his eyes.
I never learned what became of this incident. It was the end of the School Year at a small New England Liberal Arts College. I never learned if even a Police Report was filed. I know that the following year the guy was not there, I looked for him. I only knew the Victim's first name as she approached me the next September. I remember very little of the event. I was not the Victim. I remember his eyes. His piercing blue eyes. To this very day, they haunt me. That is all I recall.
Good people do bad things, yes. But good people recognize when they do these things and correct their behavior. This man has a pattern. Good Men do not share that. I agree.
2
I cant help but think how different our society would be if women were in charge- held the power- and respect- whether grudgingly or not. Sexual assault would simply not be tolerated. This is not normal behavior. Most men would not/ do not behave this way.
I suspect that this is a difficult time for decent people who have friends and relatives who watch Fox and who support the republican effort to confirm this person for the supreme court.
3
Mr Kavanaughʻs deeds hurt all of us, both women and men. Such criminal acts -just like racist, xenophobic and homophobic acts -create tension and mistrust even among the inocent of a society. They tear the fabric of our community making us weaker as a group, less affective in our work and studies, fearful of each other. Yes, he should be heard as should all witnesses of his crime BY the FBI as well since they are equiped and paid to do this kind of work. We must think of our societyʻs needs first, for without society humans are naked and defenseless creatures, the prey in the field, not the hunters.
Yes, absolutely decent males raised with respect for themselves respect others. That being said what more does it take for men and women, mothers and fathers, sons and daughters, friends and lovers to understand ????
1
There should be such a thing as a "speak now or forever hold your peace moment" in Confirmation Hearings.
Trump announced Kavanaugh as his Supreme Court pick on July 9. Judiciary started hearings September 4.
Anybody who had anything to say about Kavanaugh should have made themselves known by September 4.
Deference should be paid to the finite quality of human life.
www.wednesdayswars.com
1
The problem with Kavanaugh and the Republican Party ad a whole is that they do not accept women as real human beings. They virw women as a lower level life form, somewhat higher on the human-ness scale than the way slaves used to be viewed by their “owners.”
Yes, these men make exceptions for their own mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, and friends. But if they don’t know you, you are of little consequence or value.
And many call themselves Christians.
Unfortunately, it appears there are even some Republican women who, for some reason, buy into this.
5
My mother used to come into my room after I finished my homework and listen to radio serials with me.
One of them was called “The Shadow,” whose real name was Lamont Cranston.
He had the ability to turn himself invisible and knew all about the evil that lurks in the hearts of men.
He was also famous for saying “The weed of crime bears bitter fruit! Crime does not pay.”
I wish he was here living with us today.
3
In 1967 as a high school senior, I sometimes took classmates to visit my cousin at Yale. We pretended to be college girls and went to the mixers. One spring night, when my escort took me back to the Taft Hotel, he would not take NO for an answer. Desperately I explained that my doctor had forbidden intercourse for six weeks due to danger of infection... after a D&C abortion.
Steve Goldin then violently raped me, considering evidence of sexual experience to be tacit permission. As he withdrew he said "I don't think I ripped out any stitches." I gather he's a rabbi now, probably highly regarded and "respectable."
His assault, er, youthful indiscretion has stayed with me ever since. I couldn't tell anyone. Abortions were illegal. Maybe soon they will be again, if Kavanagh is confirmed.
8
This is a nonsequiteur. Some young men did bad or evil things to Ms. Browm and her friends. Therefore, any men accused of doing bad things to other women are guilty? This seems to be the prevailing view sponsored by metwo and many commentators.
Some people have sons who take on the role of big brother to their friends who are women.
I am appalled by the number of comments to the effect that attempted rape is "normal", that we was just being a "drunk jerk", that " biology informs us that decent men can and sometimes do behave exactly this way."
Rape is "normal" in the sense that it is common. In that sense theft is "normal", murder is "normal", child abuse is "normal." However, if Kavanaugh was charged with beating a small child I doubt many would be claiming he was a "decent man" who made a forgivable mistake.
The writers who claim that attempted rape does not reflect on Kavanaugh's character reveal their true beliefs. Men need not restrain their desires because women do not really have the right to refuse them. Sexual assault is not really assault because men are entitled to take what they want from women. It is those core beliefs that render Kavanaugh unfit for the Supreme Court and disqualify him from being considered a "decent man."
3
How bizarre that no woman in his workplace has made accusations. If this was Anita Hill, Weinstein accusers or Cosby crimes it would be shameful and illegal. What we are missing is accusation is not truth. So if anyone can simply accuse a man and smear his reputation without facts to back up a politically based story we have moved to mob rule. And yes decent men don't do indecent things to women. Do women ever tell falsehoods or are they by nature flawless purveyors of the truth ?
I am struck by how many commenters here warn us all not to "ruin the man's life" (Kavanaugh's) by rejecting him for the SCOTUS or even listening seriously to the account of Blasey-Ford. For heaven's sake, people, passing a guy up for a lifetime appointment to the SCOTUS is hardly ruining his life! Are the rest of us, who will never get within a thousand miles of sauch an appointment, miserable losers with nothing to show for ourselves? Of course not. Kavanaugh will feel disappointed if he fails to get confirmed, but he'll be in good company. Just ask Merick Garland if his life was destroyed.
6
You are a hero for speaking up. And, you're correct that decent men don't do these sorts of things. And, there are lots of decent men out there who have never done any of these things, or even consider them remotely appropriate (i.e., "what boys do.") The pigs who do do these things make the world worse for all of us, including decent men. Bless you for your courage.
1
The question asked by the author (paraphrased)- Where would children of such a young age get such bizarre ideas about assaulting even younger children? I know of one very likely source and it not the conservative individuals espousing or supporting it. It is the Democrat left and the movie industry in a strategic way trying to break down societal norms. See the half-dressed men amen nd women on TV, fully undressed in the movies and undressed with wardrobe malfunctions at the Superbowl. See the depictions of terrible violence. See the bizarre and destructive relationships identified throughout the media. See the passes given for decades to powerful men in creative industries. See the applause at the awards ceremony by ALL of the Hollwood left to Roman Polanski, a rapist of a sub-teenage child who was plied with liquor. That is all you know about the left and all you need to know to answer your question.
Do decent men tolerate those among them tho do such things?
Do decent women accord them social prestige?
To both, yes.
2
Most boys are abused and humiliated by older girls at some point in their lives too. I think that you only see the abuse of girls by boys because that's the only type you care about.
When I was 10, my best friend and I lured his 7 year old neighbour into a basement and told her to take her clothes off. When she refused, we threatened her with a broken bottle.
My friend and I thought it was a game, until Julia started screaming. Nicky and I tried to bribe her with ginger ale, looted from a crate in the basement. She screamed louder and we let her go, suddenly defeated by the enormity of what we had done. I remember the horror of that moment when I realised what we were actually doing - the resonance of a small, terrified child screaming as her trusted neighbor and his friend suddenly turned into monsters.
By all accounts we were decent boys. Well spoken and polite children with affluent parents. We hadn't been influenced by anyone, and we knew that what we were doing was wrong, but that made it more exciting. Like putting firecrackers in post boxes or breaking windows. Only when little Julia started crying did we realise how deeply, indelibly wrong we were.
Perhaps decent boys would never do such a thing in the first place, but we had enough decency to stop when it became clear it wasn't a game for Julia.
I've never done anything like that again, but reading this I feel shame all over again for what Julia had to endure that afternoon.
229
Thank you for your honesty.
5
The university professor who told me my essay was just wonderful, come to the office and talk about it. Stuck his hand up my skirt. The co-workers in every job I had as a young woman who made comments about my body. The man who grabbed me on my way home after class one night and tried to drag me behind a wall. The wealthy prep school guy who stalked me for years, turning up in my yard or at work or on the phone. And I was a well looked after, well behaved middle class young woman. That's the gauntlet every woman I know has walked, all these years. Enough.
204
There is a major cultural shift going on right now. Regardless of what happens in the Kavanaugh case, I am hopeful that the outpouring of stories from women of all ages will shape younger generations.
Young men have been forewarned: "Boys will be boys" will NOT get them a pass. Their behavior towards women, starting from the time they're teenagers, can indeed make or break them. Young women will NOT have to remain silent when some guy gets creepy at school or at their first jobs. They'll know it's wrong from the get-go and assert themselves immediately.
Until this older generation of male toxicity dies out, there will be some growing pains, but ultimately, it will make our society stronger and women safer.
3
Thanks, Ms. Theresa Brown for your courage, your tenacity, and your truth.
The exact details of whatever "incident" occurred is not important. The impact it has on the lives of the victims is the most important.
That the perpetrator is not an honorable man, be he priest, Congressman, or Supreme Court nominee, matters, too.
Women's lives matter. Women's interior hearts and minds matter. Women have a right to go about their lives without the fear, trauma, and self-doubt that these kinds of actions impart upon them. There's plenty of good reasons that these actions are considered crimes: they change lives forever -- and never for the good.
2
"Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country." That old typing drill, which I pounded into a manual machine as a ninth grader, has been running through my mind in the days since Judge Brett Kavanaugh's confirmation process has devolved into a national disgrace. In my view, Ms. Brown's piece begs the question: Where ARE the decent, good men, and what are they doing to protect America's daughters?
I, too, was molested as a young girl by the teenage son of my parents' friends. Like Ms. Brown, I blocked out memories of these events until my early twenties, when they resurfaced in psychotherapy. Like Ms. Brown's friend, as a college freshman, I also was raped by an erstwhile boyfriend. And like Blasey-Ford, Ramirez and countless others, I didn't recount details of my sexual trauma because I felt partially responsible, sick, and ashamed.
Now it's the GOP senators who have tried to rush a vote on Kavanaugh who should be ashamed. Imagine how these same senators would have responded (had they had the decency to grant him a hearing) to the slightest whiff of sexual impropriety surrounding President Obama's moderate nominee, Merrick Garland. Their moral outrage would have been as thick as Trump's proposed Wall.
Kavanaugh's responses, meanwhile, expressing both hubris and entitlement, only bolster the sense among women that he's not fit for the job. Now is the time for all good men and women to come to the aid of our country: Ask Trump for a new nominee.
9
But what if they do?
Decent guys don't do this, even once. What would have been the right way for Kavanaugh to respond? Was there a right way for him to respond, to make it better? Can you be indecent and change? Why would someone say "no, you can't change" and then want to give felons the vote?
Is something you did when you were drunk and/or young your destiny? What about Mitt Romney forcibly cutting the hair of a classmate, who was held down by Romney's friends, a classmate who later killed himself? I find that FAR worse than being held down for a few minutes, then again, I was beaten daily as a teen.
I have to wonder, why would liberals try to get the vote for felons, if they think a person who never broke the law, or maybe more correctly would never have been prosecuted or punished for a perceived crime, should have their career ruined.
I just don't know if the guy who started to take my clothes off when I was very drunk in college, after pushing his way into my room, then left before anything else happened should now have his career ruined.
And I don't know if my parents should have gone to jail for beating me with a belt or not telling the police who broke my shoulder and gave me a concussion. They were decent people...
2
There needs to be more discussion about the "decent men don't do this" part. What boggles the mind is that these GOP member (men and women) don't seem to grasp that their noxious lines --which boil down to "boys will be boys" and "it was just a party," and "but they were only kids"-- does a gross disservice to the legions of men and boys who would never dream of doing any of the things Judge and Kavanaugh have now been accused by several women of doing.
My money is on Avenatti, whose batting record is a thousand. Quite literally every thing he has said and done over the past half year has been proven with time to be true. Last night he asserted on Maddow's show that the woman he represents, now the third woman to make claims of violence and sexual abuse, has significant corroborating evidence about the claims that Kavanaugh and Judge both participated in gang raping drugged women at parties. Will that be enough for the GOP?
Ha! When they smell a "we can shut down abortion rights" moment, it's anything goes. And let's be clear. Anything includes norms of decency, decorum, civility, morality, ethics and rule of law.
There is no excuse at this point for not ceasing the proceedings and having a thorough FBI investigation. There never was. This behavior brings new meaning to the "Old Boys Club." The GOP now routinely aligns itself with sexual predators (hello Mr. "President," Rob Porter,et all)in order to push through a malign agenda. Deplorable doesn't begin to cover it.
7
‘Accusations’ are not facts unless and until they are PROVEN to be facts. Hard to remember....but try.
@Shenoa
Which is why we need an FBI investigation.
In a court of law, absolutely. In the course of vetting a Supreme Court nominee, even a hint of repulsive behavior should be far and away enough to derail the nomination, end their career and cast a pall on the person who nominated them.
4
Just a thought from a non-American. If sleeping on a park bench at the age of 17 is considered sufficient reason to deny you the right to vote, why would sexually assaulting a woman at the age of 17 not be considered sufficient reason to deny you an appointment to the highest court on the land?
13
Call your senators and give your opinion. TODAY. And do whatever you can to get the mid-term vote out.
Bottom line: there are better, decent men out there for the Supreme Court. AND, for senator and congressperson and governor.....
4
The lesson of MeToo is that most women are abused and/or harassed, and it's got to stop. But that is the wrong lesson.
If the problem is pervasive, sexual abuse is the rule, not the exception. Abuse is not an aberration. It is business as usual. And cracking down on the problem with all kinds of punishment is unlikely to work. As with drug-related crime, abuse offenses are generally not responsive to firing or incarceration. You don't solve addiction by throwing millions in jail. And the same is true of abuse.
True, drug crimes are frequently victimless and abuse crimes never are. But the bottom line is the bottom line: you can't eliminate abuse by filling up our prisons and firing all the abusers. It's time we stop feigning outrage and ostracizing the abusers. The common sense approach is treatment, rehab, and self-help programs.
I believe in forgiveness. I believe we are all capable of doing something awful and redeeming ourselves by apologizing, reckoning with it, working to be better. I would never write anyone off completely. The problem for Kavanaugh is he is trying to pretend he is a paragon of virtue. Given the evidence of his own words, the company he kept, the societies he joined, and the allegations against him — not to mention his rulings — he has no awareness of his privilege and no compassion for the mistakes other teenagers make. Moral hypocrisy is terrible especially when it inflicts cruelty. Unless Kavanaugh comes clean about who he was and is, why should he be forgiven? Why should he have more power? SCOTUS should be off the table. He is not worthy.
7
No, decent men or boys don't sexually assault women, whether intoxicated or not. Nor do they murder, commit arson or beat up children. There are qualified men and women throughout the country who would make excellent associate justices of the Supreme Court. Some, unlike Kavanaugh, actually tried cases in courts before ascending to clerkships. Most have a deep respect for the truth.
Heed the consequences of having a troubled man on this court: it's an appointment for a lifetime, an opportunity to undermine the most precious rights that protect a free people.
4
Ditto et al...
Brilliant editorial opinion
Articulates a summary every American female. Experiences
Nurse to Nurse we should all share now .
Compare our plight to those women in war torn countries.
This mess is for women to fix.
2
I wish someone had told me not to drink at the Frat parties. Freshman year, Ivy League school and I find myself passed out in someones bed. Then I remembered vividly the 3 classmates that raped me while I was out. Of course I told no one and not even confronted them at reunions.
So-are these men decent human beings? Would they cringe if this happened to their daughters? Can we forgive them as "boys will be boys"? And I should have known better. Lets remember without the internet and shows such as "Law and Order" my suburban world had been safe and classmates were supposed to be my friends. Kavanaugh took advantage of these situations. Drunk or not, it was not the behavior of a decent human being.
9
It’s anti-feminist to not believe these charges.
However, isn’t it equally anti-feminist to assume women are incapable of mounting a defense of abortion rights? To assume women are incapable of engaging in Machiavellian politics? To assume women didn’t know an unprovable accusation could not only block a nomination, but potentially win the senate (and a SCOTUS seat in 2020) for democrats? To assume they’re too weak or too honest to implement such a strategy? To assign smart strategy and devilish planning to republican senators in rushing to get Dr. Ford in front of committee quickly, but to view Feinstein’s concealment of the accusations not as cunning strategy but as respect for the victim?
We believe women in part because we believe they’re incapable.
The comments clearly shows that we, as a society must put a stop to any men misconduct.
My Daughter was rape, and her life and ours change completely. That man is free and might do it again.
7
Why wasn’t Kavanaugh vetted? Why are we finding this out after the hearing?
5
I wept as I read these stories. Who didn't? As for Judge Kavanaugh, there's no such thing as presumed innocence in the Court of Public Opinion. So. Blasey-Ford has requested an FBI investigation. Kavanaugh has not. That implies guilt, as far as I'm concerned. Case closed.
2
Kudos to Ms. Brown for sharing her painful story. Decency is undervalued in today's climate. What is also disturbing is how these overgrown frat boys circle the wagons and defend one another; our Abuser In Chief seems to have a knack for supporting other abusers, from Kavanaugh to Roy Moore, and has held forth on the importance of never admitting guilt. Not to mention the women who reinforce their bad behavior and want abuse and assault survivors to shut up and go away.
2
Yes, "decent" men don't do any of this.
But how many "decent" men are really out there? Given the pervasive cultural norms that indicate that males should engage in sexual conquest to prove their male-ness, I don't think it's a majority. And certainly the majority of women--and many men--have tales of abuse and assault. If there were only a tiny fraction of men feeling entitled to do these things, that probably wouldn't be the case.
I can't imagine the fury many women must be repressing on a regular basis--probably why there are television shows like "Dietland"--but I suspect that rage is going to come out in various ways (hopefully a lot of it will be directed into November's election).
Unfortunately, this will all continue until there is massive cultural change. (Although, if sexual abusers really did start dropping bound out of airplanes . . .)
2
As a man, Father of two daughters and one son, I subscribe to the sentiments in this article, i.e. that many, if not most, women have had to put up with offensive behavior from men throughout history and continuing to the present. I do remember that the private high school which our children attended was educating male students to these truths in the 1990's, so there are many fine pockets of sanity and thoughtful educators. We do need to mandate a different kind of "sex education" in all public schools.
That said, I am sad that the writer does not see, as many of us do, a long list of tell-tale signs that Dr. Ford is either a partisan liar or has a mistaken recovered memory. Personally, I lean toward the latter. Hopefully, Thursday's hearing will clear the clouds and fog and we will all be on the same page, one way or the other.
@SonomaEastSide
And what, pray tell, would these "tell-tale signs" of Dr. Ford's being a "partisan liar" and "mistaken recovered memory" would these be? Please be specific, and remember, there was an article published in this newspaper last week that debunked some of these "theories."
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/09/19/us/politics/christine-blasey-ford-kav...
1
Sure he's monstrous, but he'll support diminution of abortion rights (oh, but he won't outright overrule R v W so Collins has all the political cover she needs), guns for all, workers' no-rights, and voter suppression. In short, he'll support far-right Republican doctrine, which is now mainstream Republican doctrine. So Republicans will do all they can to approve him until he becomes so politically poisonous that they cannot. That moment seems to be coming soon. Then they'll find another one from the same list.
7
Let's connect a few more dots: 'Decent men' who assault women are also assaulting the earth, children, people of color, indigenous cultures. It's the same mentality, justifying violence as harmless, justifiable, business as usual.
Every single woman I know has experienced some form of sexual attack or threat, including me. Every. Single. One. Violence against women and girls is an international epidemic. The rape of the earth has brought us to the brink of ecological collapse.
If Kavanaugh or any of his shills were 'decent' men, they'd realize that a man who assaults women or justifies it as normal has no understanding of what it means to uphold the law impartially or in a way that protects the vulnerable, much less the living systems we depend on.
Einstein said you can't solve a problem from the same mind set that created it. Similarly, you can't be a decent man, or a defender of a decent man, who thinks it's ok for half the population of the world to be attacked by the other half.
11
The searing eloquence of Theresa Brown's essay commands profound respect. How unspeakably sad that our mothers and daughters, our sisters and lovers, should be so vulnerable to being robbed, in an instant, of their joy and of their freedom to decide with whom to share themselves, or not, and yes, even to make occasionally foolish decisions without being deprived of a safe exit, all for no better reason than that they were born female, a roll of the genetic dice in which they exercised no choice.
Any one of us XYs could have been an XX, and vice versa. The next punctuated equilibrium in the evolution of Homo sapiens will be achieved only when a critical mass of individuals develops that understanding, not just about gender but also about race, ethnicity, culture, about all of the fortuitous aspects of who we are, aspects that are still used by individuals of little understanding as wedges to Balkanize us into mutually hostile and predatory factions.
One look around, to the likes of Trump and McConnell, Kavanaugh and Thomas, to the pathetic drones who march through the night with tiki torches, and to the dysfunctional political system that somehow gives the minority party in the US all of the levers of power over and over again, and it's easy to see that long overdue evolutionary step is not yet within reach.
We must urgently resolve to hasten the day when eloquent protest such as Theresa Brown's is rendered unnecessary because, as a species, we have finally outgrown it.
5
If the GOP shoves this nominee through and places him on the bench of the highest court in the land for his LIFETIME, then we as a society will have completed our nightmarish descent to the abyss that is America under Trump.
4
This is a moving, well-crafted essay by Theresa Brown, based upon a personal experience which is probably far more common among women than anyone suspected just a few years ago.
Older white men like me, contemporaries of the men on the Senate Judiciary Committee, with young grandchildren, have been dismayed and disgusted with the rush to confirm Judge Brett Kavanaugh by a contrived proceeding which is dismissive of serious accusations against him of sexual misconduct.
Donald Trump is not a normal president, and in spite of the heavy-handed public relations campaign to shame the accusers, Brett Kavanaugh is not a normal Supreme Court nominee.
The days of ‘boys will be boys’ are over. Dr. Ford, Ms. Ramirez and anyone else who comes forward deserve a full F.B.I. investigation of the behavior of Kavanaugh and his best friend, Mark Judge.
5
You may know the truth of these allegations, your summary assume it. I do not. Is it wrong for people to await a chance for the accused and accuser to testify? Why must one be assumed truthful about this instance just because some men some place, perhaps millions in millions of places, behave this way does not prove this accusation. For you who have decided in advance of the normal approaches to justice. Guilt determination by accusation is the wrong road to travel here.
I don’t think any of us should try to ruin Kavanaugh’s reputation. It is what it is and will be what it is. We should be attempting to prevent that reputation from spilling over into the Supreme Court.
And perhaps we should be trying to get him into therapy.
2
Double standard: 1) Framing the girl in this story who got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher as a victim of character assasination because no one would believe her side of the story. 2) not seeing that it’s possible that Kavanaugh is a victim of character assasination due to two as yet unsubstantiated accusations that have been levied against him; many do not believe his side of the story. Bottom line - we need to find out the truth in these matters; it has yet to be revealed and confirmed.
My sister is a brilliant psychoanalyst. She was at Yale from 81-85 when Kavanaugh was there, but she never met him. We share similar attitudes about women's rights, discrimination, and politics in general.
I called her after Trump won the election. I expected her to be feeling down What I wasn't expecting was to hear my strong, courageous sister crying.
"He's bragged about molesting women, Scott," she said in an almost silent voice. "He was elected anyway." She was so disillusioned that intelligent men and women would vote for Trump even with that knowledge. (My sister was sexually assaulted, in a terrifying way, by a neighbor when we were in our early teens.)
I had not thought about it the way my sister described it. I tried to imagine being her, what it must feel like, to be invalidated by an electorate that accepted such despicable conduct by Trump.
Sure, it was awful that someone like Trump was elected .... but it was even worse that he was elected even with the knowledge of his sexual assaults. The shock is not that a man like Trump exists. The shock is that millions of people are okay with his character.
We are living in strange times. I believe it is not a mere coincidence that Trump has placed a number of grifters, liars, narcissists and fellow sexual assaulters in his Administration. Like chooses like.
I will, however, be more than a little distraught if this Kavanaugh appointment goes through with all that we now know.
21
@Scott F. In the interest of fairness, your sister’s analaysis of Trump distorts the facts. Trump bragged about the fact that women let him have his way because he is rich and famous. He did not brag that he is abusive. The porn star sa id she had sex with him because he expected it. The Playboy Playmate thought he was a catch. Trump was right. Young attractive women let him have his way.
My mother tells this story that makes me think my grandmother and her sister were superheroes. On the walk to school there was a man who would expose himself to girls. This happened repeatedly. So my grandmother and her sister boiled pots of water and found the guy in his trench coat and gave him the scalding of his life. Justice served.
4
Great article. Decent men don't assault women. There have always been decent men and indecent men. Today, however, the indecent men have far more opportunities to engage in assaultive behavior. Prior to the sexual revolution random sex was not the norm. Men had girlfriends, women had boyfriends. Men did not spend their college, now high school years. looking to "hook up" with as many women as possible. We now place boys and girls in situations where sex is expected, and situations are created to result in sexual encounters. Decent men stop when women say no. Indecent men do not.
Why did Kavanaugh go on the Republican news channel to talk about when he lost his virginity and his moral character in school?
To speak directly to Republican woman.
How can we say with a straight face that our Supreme Court is unbiased an impartial if a candidate giving an interview like this is subsequently confirmed? His nomination should already be over. If you have to go on TV to respond to multiple allegations and say "I'm not a predator" you should not be on the Supreme Court.
10
I have become ashamed and embarrassed by my initial reaction to these allegations. My first thought was, it was years ago. My second thought was, they were teenagers. Slowly, slowly, did it occur to me, with help from my husband, that normal, decent men don't do things like this. My husband never did things like this. My previous boyfriends never did things like this.
Yes, it is political. But politics is about personality and character, among other things. So no, Kavanaugh, you are not qualified. You are not a decent man.
317
@myasara I know! I am a middle-aged white woman and I thought the same things! Is speaks to how we have been brain-washed to let "boys be boys." Such an eye-opener for me and I thought I was a fairly cognizant person.
@myasara Your husband is right, decent men don't do this things, and they don't excuse men who do.
1
Thank you for sharing how your thinking has changed.
Thank you for sharing your trauma and for framing the issue so clearly. If we were to ask 100 teenage men whether Judge Kavanaugh's behavior as a teenager was that of a roll model and future civic leader, I feel confident that every one of them would answer no. If we asked them if they had witnessed this kind of behavior by their peers, I'm sure all would answer yes. How do young men and their parents rationalize that discrepancy?
2
My heart breaks for innocent young women...those who have lived in the past, those of an age who live in this present, and those like our granddaughters (including my own) who have been or will be subjected to our American society of violence, male domination, and class warfare.
Shame, if it still exists, should fall on every man who has ever disrespected a woman, and on every woman who has stood behind such men with impunity. I'm not hopeful about a sea change.
2
It's sad, but true, that people can be horrible, especially when they are drunk. It's not OK to rob someone, but people do it, so you'd best keep your purse to your chest rather than let it slip behind your back. It's not OK to rape someone, but you'd best not get drunk and expect others to behave while you're passed out on the floor. It's not OK to kill, but it happens, more often in certain kinds of situations best avoided.
Freedom comes with a price. Either you're up for the risks it involves, or you want to return to a tightly controlled society, as in Victorian times. This is not a false equivalency. We must understand that we are animals, and behave accordingly, however unfortunate that may be.
I'm looking forward to when the conversation turns towards how evil women can be. Evil to the tenth power. And what's worse about these psychological crimes is that on the surface they're not brutal enough to justify laws to prevent them, even though that trauma, too, could last forever if you let it.
So when I was about 9 my school arranged a class
outing to an ethnic restaurant in Manhattan; my
waiter served my soup with one hand, and with the
other he squeezed my breast. I went home and told my mother, we had a meeting with the principal, and they
wanted me to go back there and identify the waiter.
I could not, as I never saw his face and wouldn't look
up after that incident. He probably kept doing that
for a long time, whenever a young group of girls came in.
It left me with a feeling of disgust and shame, but it also
awakened my sexuality, far too early.
It took a long time to speak up for myself when anything happened that I felt unfair, in regard to men trying to take advantage in any way, just because I'm a woman.
I believe this is going to change; men will think twice before drinking too heavily if their actions could come back to haunt them someday. And let's hope that parents
will bring up their boys a bit differently now.
3
Republicans want to stop funding Planned Parenthood, Affordable Care, and birth control reimbursement for women. They take away funding for international women’s health and family planning. Then when overpopulation plagues the world, they paint immigrants as evil. It seems that Republicans see women, immigrants, healthcare and a decent minimum wage as evil.Viagra is good. Vote.
2
Kavanaugh has 2 daughters. How does he want them treated? It's true that the allegations are about acts that are far from decent, but allegations don't constitute proof of guilt. Despite that the mere accusation of misconduct or criminal acts by women has caused difficulties for many men as innocence is no defence. Is a false allegation worse than a real assault? Possibly not, but it is unquestionably damaging. Once bitten, twice shy.
An equal concern I have in addition to Kavanaugh's puerile behavior in sex, alcohol, money management and sports mania is that his obvious impulse control difficulties are reflected in his legal work and mindset and in his advocacy work on behalf of special counsel Kenneth Starr and the Bush 43 administration.
Some of his judicial opinions have been derided - not just by philosophical opponents - as blatantly prejudiced, and often of strained legal reasoning to get to his desired outcome. His advocacy work on behalf of Kenneth Starr and Bush showed blind partisanship and immature self-righteousness. Credentials only go so far (and the Harvard-Yale club has in any case been of dubious overall benefit to this nation). Is this stunted sub-adult someone we should have on SCOTUS? Granted, he'll be in good company with a couple of incumbents, but should we continue a bad run for Republican appointments?
4
Here's the bigger problem with the "boys will be boys" sentiment that permeates the defense of young men who behave as sexual predators. It sullies all men and boys and leaves no room for those who are truly decent, respectful, caring people period - no asterisks needed. It is not just women who suffer from the excuses for such behavior; it is the boys and men who would never, ever assault another human being in any way. The implication is that they haven't truly lived because they never "sowed their wild oats." Decency itself becomes the outlier.
4
The indelibility of sexual assault does not get balanced out by ones accomplishments over any amount of time. There is no "but" that can make up for violating another person. The act in that moment is bad enough, but the fact that many victims are affected for life, in some ways, is a second kind of bad.
3
Yes, "Decent men don't do these things".
That says nothing about the question at hand,
namely, did Kavanaugh do what Ford and Ramirez claim?
Thank you to all the women who have told the truth here, of which I could add mine but since they did I will go further to say why this is important: this is bad because men who rape women go on to rape whatever they can get away with including our country.
Young men who are allowed to objectify women and take away their will unchecked learn the skill of ignoring others and paper over the truth for their own ends.
That it is rewarded by other men as it is in these settings, men are emboldened to do the same in other settings like heading corporations then lie cheat and steal for profit. They learn they can objectify voters and redraw district lines in their favor or enact other sneaky laws and policies to ensure their opponents are repressed.
Or justices who hand down decisions like corporations are people.
How is that different from holding a woman down and forcing yourself on her? It isn't. So you can bet that if every woman came forward, we could get rid of all of the skanky men who are destroying our democracy, because THAT is what rape is to a woman, suppressing her voice and will and what those men do when they get in office is suppress the voices and will of the people they've pledged to represent.
The reason this is bad because men who rape women go on to rape whatever they can get away with including our country.
5
You are right, Ms Brown: decent men don't do these things. Bad men do.
Given what we know already--Ford's allegations, Judge's book, Kavanagh's yearbook page, the emails among Kavanagh's Yale classmates, Ramirez's statement, the new Avenatti claim, the new Montgomery County Sentinel report--I think Brett Kavanagh is probably a bad man.
2
To all those who are concerned that so many are rushing to judgement over Kavanaugh: all he has to do is say that he thinks there should be an FBI investigation into his alleged assault of Dr. Ford. He was not smelling so nice before this accusation; he's already a proven liar, could be investigated on multiple fronts and is the special first choice of a president who knows he may be impeached and judged by the Supreme Court. For those of us who are sufficiently informed, he is not the poster child for unfairly railroaded people.
3
Exactly, a boundary pushing, sensation seeking adolescent who habituates objectifying women and leading his peers in lower ordered acts of lust, greed, gluttony, sloth, pride, wrath and envy is a distinct kind of person with character traits that focus on winning, not serving.
1
"Badness" is not gender neutral. While most men are not bad individuals, it is a truism that most bad individuals are men.
1
I was an 11 year old boy when my thigh was groped for what seemed like an eternity by a Catholic priest, in a Catholic school. Shame and shock prevented me from telling anyone about it for 6 years. I have no problem understanding why Dr. Ford did not come forward until now.
It has taken tremendous courage for her to tell her story. There is no joy, pride or happiness for her and her family in this process.
In the debate over,“she said, he said”, I believe Dr. Ford.
5
Decent men don't engage in "what ifs" to justify violence, intimidation or humiliation.
What if she said this or that? It sounds like some men are looking for an excuse to demonstrate their "manliness".
Spraying a woman with a fire extinguisher?
Why wasn't he expelled?
I won't indulge in dispair as that is a luxury unavailable to far too many.
1
Like Christine Blasey Ford, it took me a long time to tell anyone that I’d been raped—twice—not by a drunken prep school boy—but by my husband. It was two years before I told my therapist, even though I was was in therapy when it happened. Who would believe me, I thought? No one in those days thought that a sexual assault by a husband was rape. After all, he had a license to rape. The crazy thing is that the physical proof of rape was there—swelling & bruises that made walking difficult for many days. My doctor (whom I also did not tell—for years) could have substantiated rape. So I get it that Ford, like many women, chose not to report.
I believe Mrs. Ford. I don’t discredit her by saying that if it had really happened there would be a police report to substantiate the truth. I understand her reluctance to come forward publically. Look at what has happened to her and her family as a result. I understand her reluctance to testify because my EX-husband made me do that also—in a courtroom in my community (not his)—in an effort to impeach my credibility. And yes—that felt like a second rape. That was when the waking up screaming from a nightmare began to happen. Dr. Ford is a brave woman.
There are no excuses for boys (“boys will be boys”) or grown men who abuse women. Let us be clear—senators who attempt to cast doubt on Dr. Ford’s testimony will be look to many like just another rapist.
5
It's a huge problem that we are dismissing boys not to mention men's behavior to the extent that we have and still do. We need to figure out what's driving this--wrong messages at home, one ringleader who is basically a troubled kid egging others on, whatever--and make a plan to drive this way of thinking out. Women are getting sick and tired (finally) of this. There is no excuse and we are fed up with having to live our lives in fear and trepidation.
3
The most important lesson in all this is that we need to encourage women to speak up about harassment/abuse and we need to teach our children, from a very young age, to tell a trusted adult if someone touches them inappropriately.
Like most women, I have my share of memories of sexual harassment, once so bad that I quit my job. Why did we put up with this stuff? Because we needed the job, we were afraid of violence, we were used to being treated as sex objects and society told us it was our own fault. When my grown daughter recently told me she had been raped as a young child but never told me, it really opened my eyes to what a huge problem this is.
No more! The fault is with those males who think their lives are more important than others' lives. Kavanaugh may be confirmed, and those old male dinosaurs may never understand or care what it is like to be treated the way women are treated but, from now on, women are going to demand to be heard and to be treated with respect.
7
From junior high through college (in NYC) I traveled to school on the subway and frequently saw men exposing themselves. There were times on crowded trains when I was rubbed up against by perverts. So when it came time to find a job and move out of my parents' house, I first found the job and then an apartment which was within walking distance of the job so I didn't need to use public transportation. As I grew older the harassing mostly stopped. The perverts tend to target young women who look as if they don't know how to stand up for themselves.
4
“‘Decent men” indeed don’t do these things. However, there are elements of ‘indecency’ inside of us all. In a society of laws we depend upon our political entities to decide which elements of ‘indecency’ are to be considered ‘criminal’ and which not. One cannot outlaw ‘indecency’, only criminalize its’ worst manifestations.
2
Like Theresa, many years ago I was walking home from the hospital when a man exposed himself to me. I kept walking. I thought he never did anything more, why should I be upset? I never told anyone and tried to forget it, but I have never truly felt safe since then.
6
As an older teen, I participated in my church's Youth Sunday, when we provided the lessons and religious teaching at two services. In the early service, I purposefully hid but stood with the other teens greeting the parishioners as they left. Many thanked me personally for things I never did such as my "wonderful sermon".
I learned then most plainly that people often attend church or other events as rituals without listening and without thinking.
If those activities which purport to give us moral guidance are merely places where we have our tickets punched, it is no surprise when we can overlook aberrant and even criminal behavior when it's done by the "good people".
How might we be acting if we had a "Greta Kavanaugh" as a nominee to the Court who as a 17 year old woman had held down a man, attempted to remove his clothing and covered his mouth to silence him? Would it just be "girls will be girls"?
8
It is very simple. Investigate. Why would Mr. Kavanaugh not demand the FBI look into these accusations if there is no there there? The rush to place someone on the bench that has a cloud over them for a lifetime appointment is a disservice to the citizens of this country.
14
Agreed, but the accusation that Kavanaugh did these things is not proof he did those things.
1
Like many older men, the Kavanaugh accusations have sent me back to my own memories of high school, military service, and college in an attempt to consider (or reconsider) my own past behavior.
Although I can't say that I was an "alter boy" (though I was one in church), I never used force on anyone in order to get my way. At lot of us never did this sort of thing.
One thing that is missed in this discussion is that some young boys in private schools (i.e., the sons of rich and/or powerful men) almost naturally gravitate to "gangs" that abuse other boys socially, psychologically, and physically. They then reach out to women at other schools and abuse them socially (townies), psychologically, and sometimes physically. This is often seen as part of the process of become leaders. Like the Ancient Spartans allowed their young to murder slaves (Helots) as part of their training as warriors. This sort of behavior not only happens, it is condoned and understood as they way boys are supposed to become men.
They need to practice their techniques on others.
6
I've been curious about any legal protection regarding the fact that Kavanaugh was a minor under 18 at the time of this horrible act. What if Blasey had responded immediately (as many have wished) by reporting this to the police and criminal charges were filed. Then if Kavanaugh was found guilty I suspect it would have been in a juvenile court. My expectation then would be that those records from the conviction would be expunged when he was 21 or so. I'm not on board with any of this boys will be boys talk and I'm not defending him, however, I'm curious if this alternate outcome had taken place would it have shielded him from this dialog and kept us all in the dark. Also, does he still have any rights or protection because of this happening when he was a minor? Since the other accusation has him over 18 I realize that this is more or less moot.
1
@Oliver He's not being put on trial for a crime. His character is being vetted for a lifetime appointment to the highest court in the country. The fact that a criminal record is sealed doesn't mean no one is allowed to discuss what happened, does it?
11
@nw2 I agree with you and support the discussion of this event. My understanding of how sealed juvenile records worked was that they allowed for the convicted to not acknowledge the crime as an adult for example in a job interview. I was just curious if he had been convicted then whether this might have been erased from the public discussion. I'm not qualified to answer that.
Had a discussion with my teen son in the car yesterday while listening to radio reports. It was centered around the various defenses offered that run along the lines of "He didn't do this, but...he was a teen...boys will be boys...what was she doing at a party like that?", etc., etc. The central theme of such defenses is that the behavior alleged is somehow excusable or at least "not that bad". While hardly the worst consequence of this - that would be the experiences shared by the thousands and perhaps now millions of women recently including my own mother - excuse making like this is also a smear on all men including those of us who don't demean or assault others. Decent men rejecting this lumping and the implicit normalizing of the behavior is a key step making things better.
19
If Brett Kavanaugh is confirmed, I hope he understands that when it comes to his reputation there is no statute of limitation. Selling one's soul won't help.
12
None of this is funny and all of it is distressing.
Not sure I ever thought of my actions before these past few days,but "just being a guy" doesn't ring as true or as easily as it thoughtlessly did just a few days ago.
With the exception of my first wife, I don't think I have egregiously offended any woman, but at this point I'm not so sure and if I have all I can do is to apologize and I do.
15
An extraordinary essay that deserves wide distribution for the clear way it gets to the heart of the matter. I've found myself welling up with anger and hatred with increasing frequency lately, feeling battered by the horrible news all the time - and even though Ms. Brown writes on the same subjects, her writing seems derived from understanding and intelligence and a keen eye for what is real and true.
17
When the man behind me on a subway train was suddenly close against me, I was too self conscious, at 15, to say anything. I made a quick calculation and, in my new high heels, came down on his shoe. I will never forget the satisfying feel of the leather giving way.
26
Such a well-written, succinct essay. At 60, if I went back and listed all the times that this range of experiences happened to me--including, not only on dates and with "friends," but also w a gynecologist, a counselor, and a pastor--I'm sure it would sound unbelievable to many. Or that somehow, since it happened so often, it must have been something I was doing to encourage it, thus, I would be the one to suffer further, not the offenders.
So I've never told anyone about any of it. It has only been in the past few years that I am able to actually feel unequivocal rage, unalloyed by any feeling of guilt.
Been reading about how polls of reactions to Kavanaugh accusations indicate that women in my age range are particularly outraged. Yeah. Looking back over decades of such experiences, and considering that the idea that this bullyboy club is still winked at--no.
I don't think the Republican machine has any idea of how familiar Blasey Ford's story is to huge numbers of women. And the likes of Graham, Cornyn, Hatch, et. al. don't admit that the more well-born, well-placed, up-and-coming, and "likable" a young man is, the safer he is in doing whatever he wants and getting away with it. Rude and unexpected awakenings are coming.
53
Recent articles and readers' comments proved enlightening. Even as I considered Kavanaugh unfit for a seat on the Supreme Court, I thought the drunk-boy episode was relatively minor, though believable adolescent behavior best forgotten.
My eyes are now open.
I long excused the unpardonable by believing men had less control over sexual urges, so responsibility fell to women. I blamed myself for every unwanted touch, imagining I'd somehow sent the wrong signal, and I misjudged other women who suffered similar offenses.
The courage of Kavanaugh's accusers, the amount of good reporting, and the clarity of their supporters, women and men, finally got through. I feel relieved of a burden I didn't know I was carrying, and worse, was putting on women i tended to misjudge. No more excusing.
40
The contempt some people have for men is astonishing. Of course these behaviors are not typical. It is offensive to men to imply that they are.
When I read one woman's words that "all teenage boys have done things like this," I actually burst out laughing. I am a woman. The men I associate with, in high school and the 33 years since, never behaved like this. They are disgusted by these guys.
Can we not expect a Supreme Court Justice nominee to rise to the basic level of decency exhibited by our brothers, our husbands, our friends, our fathers and sons?
11
What is the governing rule of law here? If the GOP is seen as using Trump to abrogate American democracy for political gain, then it must be seen that the party of the ACLU is fired up to do the same. Senate confirmation hearings about high school? What's next, testimony of his third grade teacher that he was a schoolyard bully?
Whether or not evidence is credible, it must be relevant to be admissible. As aggressive as his lustful youth may, or may not have been, the man's standing as a judge over decades is unimpeachable. His ability to render legal decisions in keeping with the law is not in question - it is all about exposing him as a conservative with debauchery in his past - a desperate last-gasp, effort to prevent a right-leaning court.
This kind of abuse of process is what the rule of law was meant to prevent. Who is defining it and standing up for it now?
1
@Louise Phillips, why are so many on the right trivializing sexual assault? "Youthful lust?" Rape isn't about lust. It's about power and domination. It's about the character of the man who is applying for a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court.
I find it insulting that Kavanaugh's supporters dismiss his accusers as political pawns, if not liars. If you're convinced of his integrity, then demand an FBI investigation. Republicans are abusing the process by refusing to reopen the background check and shoving the nomination through without a real investigation or hearing.
For millions of us, this isn't about his political positions. It's about whether the allegations are true, because we consider them disqualifying. Trump will nominate someone else acceptable to the Federalist Society, so why go to the mat for this man?
@Louise Phillips In your fulsome praise and admiration for your preferred nominee, Kavanaugh, you conveniently omit the fact that he lied to Congress - several times over the span of several years on several different matters. That is not high school or third grade; that is the known, documented behavior of your "unimpeachable" judge. I hope he will be impeached from his current position and he must never be allowed onto the Supreme Court. His character makes him unfit.
I just got off the phone with my 93 year old mother who shared with me for the first time her MeToo memories from 80 years ago. She understands Dr. Ford and supports her. She was only 13 when a local storekeeper, who had just waited on her with his wife in their little grocery, assaulted her. My mother left the store to walk home and he was waiting for her in the bushes. At school, a classmate kept referring to her as Mae West. When she told the teacher, he smiled which made her uncomfortable. 80 years later, she still wonders if there's was something " wrong" with her to make that happen. She, too, buried the memory, until she had daughters of her own. I have my own stories, that I never told her and never will. Me too. 40 years ago. It could have been yesterday.
26
My parents raised me to respect all people. It would never even enter my mind to disrespect, much less abuse anyone! How a child is raised has a lifelong reach!
Are there men who are abusive? Absolutely without question. But there are many many men who are not! Let’s not forget that!
Remember, when someone is accused of abuse, it is an INDIVIDUAL who is being charged, not a group. It makes no difference if millions of men are abusive to women. What is important HERE, and is the ONLY thing that is important, is if the individual being charged is, in fact guilty. I abhor “guilt by association” and so should you. Assuming that just because someone is a “man” he must abuse women, if someone so charges, is a very dangerous standard to adopt.
Now I don’t particularly like Judge Kavanaugh, and I hope he is not confirmed. But to “find him guilty” out of hand, without a fair unbiased hearing, would be a travesty for our country we need desperately to avoid. There’s an old adage, “what goes around comes around!” The stigma of accusation alone should not be enough for any of us. Some sort of “due process” must always follow!
2
I had my first beer with my father. I was not yet sixteen and headed to a residential college at the time. He said that since I was going to drink in college anyway, I may as well learn the right way. "No more than two drinks in any party anytime, and never misbehave with ladies. If you can't behave after having drinks, then you should not drink at all."
My father did not go to elite preparatory school like Judge Kavennaugh. But based on excuses being made on his behalf by his former classmates for his sexual assault upon Dr. Ford, I am very glad that my father didn't go to any such elite school. He did not have to, because his sense of decency was much higher than what any of these schools could ever teach him.
18
If -- on the day the story was published -- if Kavanaugh had confessed to behaving with shameful low standards as a student, who quit that behavior long ago, -- behavior he'll admit he doesn't recall, through too much drinking -- at least he might have redeemed his own character.
7
Your last lines resonate with me. I too have twin daughters, 16 yo. And I do not want them to have stories either. That they might suffer indignities at the hands of indecent men is all I have been thinking about all week. Thankfully my spouse/their dad is a decent man with buckets of respect for women. And after this past week, it seems to me that I got the last good one....Thank you for this piece.
7
"Because “the evil that men do lives after them,” and I have twin daughters. I don’t want them to have any stories. I don’t want them to have any stories like these at all."
The full quote from Shakespeare's Julius Caesar from the speech of Marcus Antonius's after the murder of Caesar is "The evil that men do lives after them; The good is oft interred with their bones."
In the case of Judge Kavanaugh, if there is any good in his career, that shall certainly be forgotten. What will be remembered is the "evil", whether real or not.
Ms. Brown can indeed rest assured that even if he is confirmed, it is doubtful that his legacy will include "decent".
6
Theresa, if you could go back in time and talk to your 7 year old self what would you say?
You and Doctor Ford are examples of moral courage at a time when our country greatly needs moral courage.
The arc of the moral universe will only bend toward justice if we lean on it.
Thank you for speaking up. The world needs people like you and Dr. Ford.
The next time the memory comes I hope you can have a conversation with that young girl. The scars remain but the character grows.
5
Let's get one thing straight. The actions involved in an attempted rape or an actual rape or physical assault involving sexual dominance have nothing to do with the expression of "boys being boys. These actions are violating actions of physical violence. Over the past 3 decades I have worked with countless young and older men. Not once, have I encountered a physical sexual violation. The hundreds of different men I have worked with are decent human beings that respect the integrity of the women and men they work side-by-side with. Our society and that includes women and men must prosecute people who violate other human beings physical space using actions of physical and sexual violence. Like murder... rape is an action that must not be tolerated. The "myth" that "boys will be boys" allows these acts of violence to go unprotected. All human beings, male and female must speak out and demand that the people who commit these acts of violence are duly prosecuted and pay a huge price for their disgraceful, threatening and damaging actions.
11
Those seeking a job with the FBI or other federal law enforcement must provide “evidence” of their fitness for the job by taking a polygraph on whether they have committed any crimes in their life. Dr. Blasey Ford has passed a polygraph. Perhaps the man seeking a lifetime appointment to enforce his view of the law on our country should be asked to take one as well. His public refusal to do so would be evidence of who is telling the truth.
17
Deciding to cut to the chase. Not only to vote in November but to send a donation to credible opponents of all Republican Senators up for re-election in 2018. Will pledge toward same fund for 2020.
Knowingly or not, the Republican behavioral request is to be voted out. Happy to help toward that goal.
20
I wish we were in a science fiction tv show. If only we could tap into both of their brains and see their memories. It would be quite amazing to see an image of Kavanaugh from Dr. Ford's teenage POV (or, I suppose, a POV of it being someone other than Kavanaugh, if you buy what he's selling.)
Why do we have to even consider a Supreme Court Justice that has such allegations against him? We have seven other Justices who never had such things come up. Our other Justices also don't have unexplained sources of income and gambling debts, nor do they write apology emails to their friends about getting hostile after losing at dice. Sheldon Whitehouse has pointed out Kavanaugh's unexplained income and possible gambling addiction. Worse than Nannygate to me. If these financial and sexual matters aren't investigated and resolved in his favor, I wouldn't feel comfortable with Brett Kavanaugh walking my dog.
22
@Ann Even if none of the sexual allegations had come to light, Kavanaugh still lied to Congress! He lied about various matters - to Congress! This is a nominee to the Supreme Court and he lied to Congress and he believes the President of the United States is above the law. Just like he, apparently, and his fellow indulged. privileged, self-entitled prep-school cohort think they are all above the law - whether the laws of the land or the laws of decency. No wonder he and Trump are in league.
2
@Ann Well . . . six.
1
I am a 62 year old white man and came of age in the late 60s and early 70s. I honestly can’t say whether or not I behaved as it is suggested that Mr. Kavanaugh did ( lots of drinking and smokingpot during those years) but if someone made the claim I would be mortified and remove myself from the spectacle.... what do the denials do for the man. I hope my daughters never have a doubt how I acted but if they did I certainly wouldn’t want them to have to view these articles in the nyt. Nor have them hear the gossip at what I’m sure is the prestigious school they attend
3
Exactly right. Decency. There are so many good, decent judges and lawyers out there. Can't we find one who isn't accused of sexual assault? There's no way a woman would make these allegations if they weren't true. Who would want to be driven from their home, told their crazy, of easy virtue or just "mixed up"? Poor Dr. Ford. Anita Hill all over again.
5
Regardless of what happened with Dr. Ford, I'm kind of uncomfortable appointing someone to the Supreme Court who was evidently a frequently-inebriated frat boy.
18
The 1983 year book comments on our would-be judge are particularly frightening.
Has he continued his binge drinking?
Is he still an active alcoholic?
Was he aware of the general acceptance of equality for women in the 1980s?
He lived in a privileged enclave from the Real World for a while, but he must have realized times had changed.
6
I’m not someone who simply declares anyone guilty or innocent, but there are a few excuses that are complete non-starters. One of those excuses is this “it happened [x] number of years ago” nonsense.
If someone asks me whether I ever sexually assaulted someone, it’s a “yes” or “no” question. What does the passage of time matter? I am a man and I have been drunk plenty of times. Yet I do not identify with whatever subset of our country seems to think that drunken sexual assaults are, even hypothetically, something that can be argued away as a matter of youthful indiscretion. Should someone’s life be ruined for a violent sex crime committed decades in the past? Sure! If an 85 year old man is found to have raped someone in high school, he can spend his final years in lockup with his fellow rapists. Bury him under the prison for the balance of his sentence. Someone explain why society should reward people for escaping punishment for decades.
I simply don’t understand arguments to the contrary, but it keeps being floated. From Roy Moore to Donald Trump to Cosby to Kavanaugh... if someone is claiming innocence, we can weigh their reputation/character against their accusers. But TIME? As far as I’m concerned a person who sexually assaulted someone decades ago without being found out was always been on borrowed time. If they’ve “changed” since then, they’ll understand why they belong in prison. If they don’t understand that, I would say they haven’t really “changed.”
13
Haven't we heard the expression, "Street angel, house devil". Two sides of the same person. Yes, Brett Kavanaugh, I'm sure, is a terrific dad, coaching his daughter's basketball team. I'm sure, in many ways, he's an outstanding member of his church and community. That's doesn't mean he doesn't have a dark side. I once attended a day seminar on mental illness, taught by a practicing psychiatrist who works at an esteemed psychiatric hospital. His patient at the hospital, at one point, needed to be placed in restraints on the ground due to her violent and life-threatening behavior to herself. While in restraints, she was gyrating/writhing her pelvic area. The psychiatrist took notice. The upshot was that she was tied up against a pole in the basement every Sunday morning and raped by her father while her mother attended church. Her father, for years, had been awarded citizen of the year award in this small sleepy town. When Republican senators defend Judge Kavanaugh by stating he's an upstanding citizen, they're probably right. It's up to us to remind them that "upstanding citizens" can also have a very dark side that shows itself to only the victim with no witnesses to bring this dark underbelly to light.
11
I am a psychologist and the mother of a 19 year old daughter. I am horrified that, in 2018, residents of this country still find it acceptable to blame victims of sexual crimes while making excuses for the perpetrators.
I am appalled that things are no better for young women today then they were for women from my generation. This country is truly broken.
26
Baloney.
The field of developmental biology informs us that decent men can and sometimes do behave exactly this way, when they are in, or emerging from, late adolescence and that such behavior is driven by hormonal activity.
There is a difference between socially acceptable, and normal.
It is absolutely normal for young males to behave aggressively, both physically and sexually.
Anyone in the health field should understand this implicitly.
Socialy acceptability is a different matter, as is legality of behavior, and that is a matter for the courts.
The NY Times seems unusually eager to publish articles by people who reject the notion of innocent until proven guilty.
I guess that's because they subscribe to the "any means to an end" school of journalism.
4
@Objectivist
The "field of developmental biology" describes behaviors as they are shaped by genetics, hormones, environment, and a host of physiological factors. Behaviors do not exist in a vacuum, are not "biologically" determinate or fixed or predictable, and when you factor in that behaviors are overwhelmingly performed within prevailing social constructs and environments that privilege or suppress particular classes, races, genders, sexes, it's scientifically imprecise to claim that boys will be boys because they are boys, which is simply circular logic and not science. If it were true that hormones cause adolescent boys and even men to sexually impose themselves on women against women's wills (because that's the issue here), then all adolescent boys and even men would behave this way. That they don't is proof that your theory is just classic sexism masquerading as "developmental biology." I have known boys and men who have held me down and tried to rape me. I have been sexually assaulted. I have been groped and grabbed. And all by strangers and even boys and men I have known. I also know plenty of boys and men who would never think it was their right to assault and grope girls and women. This isn't about "behavioral biology," it's about sexist entitlement and a failure to recognize the humanity of the person you're assaulting.
4
@Objectivist
The rest of us -- including a lot of actually decent men -- know that the definition of "decent" excludes people who behave like this and who hide behind pseudo-science to excuse a lack of moral fiber and basic empathy.
1
@Objectivist
I work in the mental health field. Before that I taught high school. I then worked for years as a therapist at a university.
And no, it is not normal. Not at all. Most of the guys I knew growing up didn't act like this. Most of the teenage boys I taught did not act like this. Most of the college men I counseled were not like this. Sexual and physical aggression by boys was considered deviant in all of those social contexts, both by the adults and the kids themselves.
Anyone who says it is "normal" or "biological" is just making excuses for themselves and anxious about the reality that their perverted form of "masculinity" is no longer going to be tolerated by society.
Times up.
Senator Graham in a moment of arrogance and accidental truth-telling, basically admitted that the hearing was a sham and Kabuki theater and the facts would not change his vote in favor of elevating Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court:
“I want to listen to her, but I’m being honest with you and everybody else….What am I supposed to do? Go ahead and ruin this guy’s life, based on an accusation. I don’t know when it happened, I don’t know where it happened, and everybody named in regard to being there said it didn’t happen. I’m just being honest. Unless there’s something more, no, I’m not going to ruin Judge Kavanaugh’s life over this.”
Graham has the audacity to compare the rejection of Kavanaugh for a Supreme Court seat to ruining Kavanaugh’s life. Kavanaugh would keep his position with lifetime tenure on the D.C. Court of Appeals. That does not sound like a life in ruins.
23
@Larry Finkelstein Although Lindsey Graham seems most adept at finding a microphone, camera and reporter to pay attention to him, he has lost all credibility. Graham should retire. Somebody must "have something" on him, otherwise his very strange behavioral changes are inexplicable.
1
ALL men would like to do these things. Some act on it.
3
@No
I don't believe you can speak accurately for all men. But even if you are right, let's still hold those who act on these impulses accountable.
@No You do not and cannot speak for "all men." If you truly believe that "all men" would like to rape or otherwise attack women, you should seek help.
You say “decent men don’t behave this way”. How do you know he behaved that way? What proof do you have?
1
@Charliep What does Dr. Ford have to gain by coming forward? What does Ms. Ramirez have to gain? I believe Michael Avenatti speaks the truth when he comes forward with information. What does his client have to gain? Death threats? Horrific verbiage and attacks and disrespect?
Now, what does Kavanaugh have to gain?
Who you believe about Dr. Ford's accusations and Ms. Ramirez's accusations is one matter. The incontrovertible fact is that Kavanaugh lied to Congress about other matters, several times, several matters. He is a proven liar. He is unfit to be a judge because he does not love the law. He may love being a judge, but he does not love the law. He must not be allowed onto the Supreme Court and I hope he is impeached from his current position as well.
2
Well written piece. And it goes without saying that everything stated is awefull and should never have happened. But this is also a very lobsided picture. I also know of two women who had during vacation willingly sex with one and the other even several boys. Only to have remorse a couple of days later. Which lead to accusations of rape with terrible consequences for the men involved. Even though there was consent at the “heat of the moment”. My point is that this is not just about evil man predating on women. It also happens the other way around. In many different guises. And it is difficult as a bystander to distinguish between real assault or rape or for instance remorse after consent. But bottom line is, it is wrong and inexcusable. No matter who perpetrated.
3
My husband and my 26 year old son wouldn't dream of this kind of behavior. They are decent men. Kavanaugh is not.
11
Why continue the nomination process with this flawed candidate? Is there not one person in the whole country who is both a competent jurist and a decent human being?
17
I didn’t think the words “decent” and “men” were permitted to be used in the same paragraph, much less the same breath in the same sentence.
A friend of mine, a lawyer, just hired a male secretary to replace his female secretary who had moved on. My friend is a totally decent guy, but like many other decent guys, feels like he could get tarred by a female employee. It’s not like it hasn’t been found that there have been many men doing time (and some lynched) on false charges of rape. But then that only happens to poor guys accused by poor women.
A lot of men who could be recruited to effect change are hunkered down in the shadows out of fear of being swept up in the fever of la revolution francaise.
I have been told that if a man acts properly with women then he has nothing to fear from women. But I think women do not understand a decent guy’s fear of being cast in a false light or falsely accused, in the same way men don’t understand women’s fear or anger over being mistreated because they are women.
What I see happening is men and women going to their separate corners and refusing to fairly spar in productive contact. Not good.
3
@Duane Coyle, what a shame that you feel attacked. Women--and men--would welcome you joining us in this struggle. It isn't about men vs women--it's about treating people with respect. This is about an individual man, not about men as a whole.
1
It is often found that serial killers (one of those "he seemed like such a decent neighbor" kind of guys) did things as children, like torturing animals. We now know it's an early sign of a disturbed mind. So to suggest that it doesn't matter what Kavanaugh did as a 17-20 year old man is absurd. I was a 17 year old man in the early 80s too. The vast majority of people I knew then were not misogynists, they did not assault women and they did not get blackout drunk. They were decent people. Period. They didn't grow up to be decent people. I've found that most people, good or bad, don't really change that much as they grow older--the bad ones just get better at hiding their indecency. Until one day, like the serial killer, they get caught.
13
I was raped on a date at age 16. I’m 51 now. My mother is a nurse and my father a police officer and an alcoholic. Very dysfunctional family dynamics. My date picked me up at the door and dropped me off. I never told my parents because I knew they would not have supported me. I’ve never told a soul. His name was Justin. I remember what jeans, sweater and shoes I wore. I remember what he looked and smelled like and what he did to my young body. I’ll never forget.
18
I have raised a male child. He is now 41 years old. I know that he would NEVER EVER disrespect a woman. I know that he has never disrespected a girl as an adolescent, or as a young man. I would NEVER EVER want a man unlike my son in terms of his perception of women, to be on the Supreme Court. Men like him are out there. Why are we even considering a man for the Supreme Court whose actions towards citizens of this country could be considered demeaning or patently disrespectful. If the allegations about him concerned mistreatment of men, he’d be thrown out on his ear.
8
The fact is that familiarity with certain actions does not establish them as activities to be condoned. That is reliably the description of many invasive actions by people against others. Rape, assault among them and other behaviors that are invasive of another person. This must be remembered about individuals such as Brett Kavanaugh who through their hubris deprived others of the sanctity of their personal space.
5
I appreciate this column by Nurse Teresa Brown. In general, the American public has no idea of the trauma that a rape victim endures. Not only is it traumatic at the time it happens, but the trauma never goes away. Women live with the memory and almost universally, they do not talk about it. It is too personal and it is actually painful to talk about it. It is about the most private part of your body. It is not a subject for casual conversation when the body is your own. Another reason for not talking about it is from that moment, the woman often feels that she has a different and negative status in society. Years later, people still may refer to her by saying “Oh yes…I remember her... She was raped by so and so when she was a teenager.” I have heard those words more than once. Additionally, in some parts of our society, people refer to teenage girls who are thought to be not virgins as “damaged material.” Many young men think it is important to them to marry a virgin. Another more basic reason for the trauma is that during the experience of being raped, the girl may feel like she is being trashed and made worthless. Being raped is frightening in that if the man is crazy enough to commit the rape, he may be crazy enough to commit murder. We need more awareness about the prevalence of rape in our society and acknowledgement that it is a life changing experience that should be severely prosecuted.
17
I don't believe there are good people and bad people. Neither do our religions. People do good things and bad things, some of us more of one than the other, and more of one at different times in their lives. They should be held accountable for the things they do and make amend, reparations, and look at why they did these things and how to stop doing them. Then people move on. If someone attempted rape they should be held accountable.
1
My son was accused of inappropriate conduct in 8 th grade. After absolutely horrible sessions with teachers and the accusers parents she admitted to making it up. Damage done.
Hear all sides.
3
@Terry, absolutely. Let's have the FBI investigate.
The only ones opposing a full FBI investigation are Kavanaugh, the White House, and the GOP. Everyone else thinks it's a good idea.
Ms. Brown - thank you for telling your experiences about the varieties of sexual abuse women often are subject to that some don’t think are really abuse. The same often goes for men as children or teenagers.
Your column was powerful, touching and, yes, even cringe inducing. I think we all can relate to similar situations we’ve had as a child or young adult. I know I can - and your column brought some of those ‘innocent’ events crashing back for me.
7
At freshman orientation in the 1980's at a small, Catholic university, I was given a rape whistle and told never drink the punch at a frat party. The message: you can avoid getting raped, and it's your fault, if you do. So, after I was sexually assaulted, I said nothing.
I don't blame the school, I blame the prevailing societal norms. Sexual assault isn't normal or okay--even for the handsome, smart, popular, fun-loving boys. I welcome all the discussions about Kavanaugh's past behavior. It's uncomfortable and inconvenient, but if not now, when?
483
@Louise P. I am not sure that you were being told that you can avoid rape so if you were raped it was your fault. I think they were just giving you some good advice to avoid being in a situation where you could not control your environment. I don’t think that in anyway lessons the responsibility of the men who choose to perpetrate assault and rape against women. But I see nothing wrong with suggesting ways in which women can protect themselves. Would you have preferred that they said nothing to you?
Another point. People who use the argument that it happened a long time ago don't convince me. I don't think people change very much from what they were as children and teenagers. They often learn to hide their bad traits in order to succeed in the world. But essentially they are the same deep inside. Just go to your 50th high school reunion. It is shocking to see the same Sam, Mary or Pete, but in an older body. Some very successful, some not so much, but the same Sam, Mary and Pete.
10
We all have done things that we aren't proud of, but it appears that some people can live with themselves and easily forget what they might have done so many years ago. This whole Kavanaugh scene reminds me of what we would like Mr. Kavanaugh to say.
I specifically refer to Morgan Freeman's lines in The Shawshank Redemption, when his character is up for parole review, and he says:
There's not a day goes by I don't feel regret. Not because I'm in here, because you think I should. I look back on the way I was then: a young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him. I want to try to talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. But I can't. That kid's long gone, and this old man is all that's left. I got to live with that. Rehabilitated? It's just a bullXXXX word. So you go on and stamp your form, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because to tell you the truth, I don't give a XXXX.
Unfortunately, this will never happen, as the Supreme Court nomination is too much of a goal than redemption!
8
Request for evidence? What evidence can there possibly be?
3
At an age 4-5, I was led into the bushes by two older girls. Even at that age, I quickly summed up that what was about to happen would not please my parents. I went along with it. Afterward, I did ask myself whether I should I feel offended and/or violated. Nope, was the answer. Decades later, I jokingly mentioned the still memorable incident to my father. He said the same had happened to him but under a neighbor’s porch. Girls will be girls?
Like these, exceptionally rare, experiences, initiated by girls/women, the particular experiences, portrayed here, as having been initiated by boys/men, are as exceptionally rare. Nothing to learn, here.
2
I think it is normal for prepubescent children to be curious about their genitals, the differences between boys and girls, and their functions with regards to sex, even if sex is something they do not yet understand. The difference between men and women with regard to activities of exploration at those ages when reflected upon later has everything to do with what they know as adults. Females soon learn that they are usually physically less able to protect themselves from males with sexual intentions. Women learn that society may shame them if they are used for sexual purposes by men, whether or not the contact was made without their permission. They also learn that they are expected to guard themselves by way of avoiding the contact, and that men may not be held responsible for their behavior. Women look back and think that shouldn’t have happened, and they will think that could have been much worse in other, kind of similar, scenarios. Men have the luxury of looking back and only thinking, “Can you believe that happened?” One can see where both you and the author could define your childhood incidences similarly, but it is also quite understandable that you do not.
None of this applies to behavior involving your genitals as a pubescent or post-pubescent person, and in that vein, I agree that the author’s incident isn’t quite applicable to the Kavanaugh story.
1
You cannot be serious, Chris.
Any type of physical intimacy without permission is wrong, as was yours.
But please, take yourself down from the cross and quit pretending that this happens in anything resembling equal measure when girls are the aggressors.
Real, effective, change-making power is not guaranteed through credentials. It only happens through those with high standards, a clear sense of morality, a courageous and honest character.
8
A man who assaults a woman either physically or with crude actions or language is not a decent man but a man who is lacking something within them , a man who neither respects themselves or others , a man who should not be given the power to decide what will affect the lives of others . Denying the FBI to do an investigation is very telling ; if Kavanaugh is without any guilt then it proves there is something to hide . There seems to be a case of wart breakout among certain members of the senate .
17
Judge Kavanaugh comes from an elite segment of the society, was brought up in an entitled bubble and rose fast in the hyper-partisan Republican circles. He seems to lack empathy and an inner moral compass. His career path demonstrates that, for him the end justifies the means. He is a partisan political operator, who is being rewarded for his extreme partisan service to his party. His confirmation would prove that America, as a country, is a misogynistic society in which women are second class citizens.
29
@randyjacob I'm going to raise something that will probably be unwelcome by many or most here, but I think it is worth noting that Kavanaugh attended a Catholic school, and an all-boys school, at that. He was raised and educated in a "religion" that does not respect, value or treat women well - not to mention children. Add to that the "machismo" of being a high school athlete and drinker and in far too many high schools in America, such boys are a danger to girls. Some girls find that kind of stuff attractive, but neither normal boys nor normal girls fit those patterns.
8
Thank you, Theresa Brown, for so movingly captured the indecency that could well befall the Supreme Court.
15
@mk: Indecency that could befall all of us.
Back in the late 60's in college, my boyfriend lived in a fraternity, I had stopped by the frat house to see him after class in the middle of the day. We were sitting in his bedroom chatting, and without saying anything (or asking), he pushed me on the bed. It frightened me because he clearly crossed a line. I felt that my only "out" was to do something unconventional because he was stronger and it was clear that I was not going to participate in what he had in mind, so I 'fainted'. The ploy worked to get him to take a different course of action, perhaps he got scared, but, he ran out of the room to get help, I jumped up, ran down the stairs, and out the door. Never wanted to see him again. I'm now almost 70, I never mentioned the incident to my sorority sisters, friends, family, or sorority headmistress, the only thing that I told friends was that the guy lied to me (he had lied about his age, I saw his drivers license, which showed him to be 4 years older than what he told me). Mr Trump has no clue how a young woman might have felt. My incident happened 50 years ago and I did not "immediately file charges with local law enforcement", nor did I tell my "loving parents" (and mine were loving). To this day, I can still see the room on the second floor, the afternoon sun coming in, the arrangement of the furniture, where the door was. Back to the title of this opinion column, "Decent Men Don’t Do These Things".
54
OK, guys, polish up your resumés. Make unwanted advances (putting it politely) to women, and you too could end up on the Supreme Court. Or, who knows, the White House.
22
Yes, ask the women. But so many stories are so heartbreaking with such lasting effects, ask all! Decent men, most people do not condone or trivialize assault or harassment.
19
I have worked as a psychotherapist with many sex offenders. They most always believe in their belief that they are a good people. They have character disorders. When confronted with their behavior they redefine it or go into victim mode. These men are not decent and mature people, no matter what they have contributed to society. They do not change unless they have to,and even then the internal change i e having real empathy for others is not often there. I don't know whether B K is a sex offender, but so much of his defensive responses and lack of consideration for the women who have come forward reminds me all to well of many of my former clients. Decent mature men are concerned abut those who have felt injured by them. They account for their behavior and make amends. They don't view success as " what I can get away with,or who I fooled or got back at " They don't think winning at all costs is worth it. Certainly in this circumstance, a responsible man would back away from these hearings, demand a thorough investigation and pay close attention to those who claim to have been injured, even if he doesn't remember or recall. That's what maturity and responsibility looks like.
84
@Roxanne
I'd say ghosting also follows this power-over scenario. I was ghosted by a superior court judge.
2
It matters not the age, what Kavavanaugh and some other young boys, teenagers, college students have been accused of, touching women, expousing themselves and other raw behaviors have been going on for years . In my days it was called "being felt up" and it happened many times. No girls spoke about "it", but "it"happened frequently. I felt in some way (s) I had caused the behavior(s) but I could not explain how? Often, I resisted and was called the B word or worst. I learned to " expect" the harrowing attention. I would be touched and called names and worst. I, poor, a minority, had no "protection" no support of parents, family, etc. no one would even pay attentionor believe me. "It" was consider a part of life of "growing up."
32
@Kenya I'm 76, and I remember all of those "events". One as an early teen, a boy grabbed my breast while restraining my arms and trying to kiss me. I bit him as hard as I could and wouldn't release even when he did. It set my attitude about what I would and would not tolerate. There were more events, but not without a violent unexpected reaction from me.
@Kenya I like "Kavavanaugh." He's the covfefe nominee.
Social repression and isolation force natural human drives to bubble up as unnaturally disproportional impulses. Kavanaugh grew up in a multiple-repression environment where males are artificially isolated from healthy mixed-gender settings and with cultic macho peer pressure too easily develop warped notions of male behavior. His reported severe difficulties in controlling his alcohol intake are an additional sign of impulse control problems and repression.
Not surprisingly, Kavanaugh's outward persona is of a conservative, well-behaved professional gentleman - the two faces. And his philosophical bent is toward - and his income derived from - protecting large social forces of repression: conservative, authoritarian government and religion, and favoring an ultimately socially repressive form of vulture capitalism. He's all too representative of the American culture, unfortunately.
33
I'm curious. How many men have lived through something in any sense equivalent to these large and small threats and humiliations? It's not a rhetorical question.
17
If Kavanaugh was truly a decent man he would withdraw from the confirmation for the sake of the integrity of the Supreme Court in the hopes of keeping it above the slime of our politics. But as we suspect he is only concerned about his own needs, wants and aspirations. This in itself should invalidate him, guilty or not.
38
@Josie J Oh, it's way too late to keep the Court "above the slime of our politics." Bush v. Gore and several subsequent rulings put paid to that. And that's just in the modern era. Kavanaugh's investiture may be the tipper on an already deeply sliding tilt into disrepute for the Court.
One of my Senators is Dean Heller. I called his office and told the young man that answered the phone, who I might add was very polite, that all women have these stories. If it didn't happen to them, it happened to their best friends or sisters or cousins or mothers or teachers or aunts. They were whispered among them because to tell was to set one up for ridicule, embarrassment or worse. I also said that there must be a Republican woman or man who is above reproach and not tainted by an abuse allegation who could be seated on the Supreme Court. Call the Republican Senate offices and make your voices heard.
53
A really decent man would not accept an appointment to the Court from Trump no matter how much he wanted it.
60
This is so discouraging. Growing up on Delhi, the rape capital of the world, we used to routinely face eve- teasing ( as it is called in India). This was especially true in public transport ( DTC) buses, that were crowded beyond comprehension, but which we we had to take perforce. My friends and I took to arming ourselves with safety pins. Nothing felt better than digging the sharp needle into that hand that strayed towards your chest or bottom. When I came to US I thought that definitely this was a place where I could breathe freely. My disappointment in the system, in the country has reached fathomless depths. We can never ever aspire to be great again.
33
I am so glad we women are finally telling and writing about the episodic nature of sexual harassment and assault. It may “only” happen once every few years (exposure, touching, confinement, threats, harassment, or even much worse) but the intended target remembers each incident forever. And this panoply of abusive male sexuality structures the environment women move about in. It’s why we women are always checking out the spaces of an otherwise empty public restroom before using a stall, looking around and behind us in parking garages, standing near the elevator exit door during certain rides, scanning the street at nighttime, declining to hike alone in the woods despite very much wanting to go there any time we wish. Misbehavior by some males towards many women ends up having a huge multiplying effect. We need to change that. Talking about it publicly is a first step.
45
Another story for the heap. When I was 10 years old, my 16 year old cousin and I were sitting on the floor in his room playing some kind of card game. I do not remember what. Suddenly, he grabbed me around my waist and pulled me onto his lap. He held me so tightly while pushing down on me, leaning over me, his chin in my neck. He kept saying, "Oh sweet little cousin." I tried to get away, but could not. I did not know what to do. I was frightened, embarrassed, and knew even as a 10 year old that what he was doing to me was wrong. After what seemed like an eternity, he heard someone walk up the stairs and he pushed me off, quickly letting me go. I fled the room. I didn't even imagine telling my mother or my aunt; my cousin was the adored, perfect nephew/son. They would not believe me. I was afraid of being punished, being the bad girl, upsetting the family.
I never ever have forgotten that this happened. Ever since, I have made every effort to avoid this cousin, making excuses so that I didn't have to look at him, talk to him or be in the same room with him. My aunt has since died and my mother has dementia. I finally told my brother and sister-in-law this past May about this ugly, indecent, unpunished person. I will be 69 in a month. That's how long I kept this hidden.
82
@EJGV I hope that sharing helps you and makes you feel stronger. I know that sharing helped me. I’m sorry you had to carry this burden alone for so many years!
3
Heavy self-medicators and misogynists have generally grown up in narcissistic families, which practice denial and repression, and cultivate false facades-- and these families are steeped in power dynamics. Narcissists do not truly see the personhood of others the same way more intact and healthy people do. This is why Kavanaugh is a danger as a Supreme Court Justice.
He also shares the conspiracy paranoia of the classic narcissist (rabid paranoia, re Vince Foster). These are all character flaws, albeit ones that ar pretty easy to cover up in public, with a good education, hitting one's marks at work, knowing how to be presentable, etc.
But people at closer range are exposed to the dark sides.
32
The standards for a "decent man" appear to fall far short of how we judge women. Dr. Ford appears to be blemish-free. She has a reputation for honesty, integrity, and is well-respected by her peers and students. There could not be a more impeccable witness, yet the GOP, especially the men, cannot wait to question her veracity against an admitted drunk.
46
I was in a college fraternity in the mid-'60s. These events were not uncommon. I believe Dr. Ford and Ms. Ramirez.
50
@Jerry Place Fortunately our legal system would not right now. 'Believing' is different than proving, as many children will tell you around Christmas.
Bravo, Theresa Brown. Some actions define character. Having been assaulted or harassed 5 times as a teenager I also remember the many boys and men who did not act violently or cruelly, even when inebriated. In fact, I have known many more gentlemen than predators. That just makes the predators' behavior all the more egregious. Decent people don't harm others. Period.
48
I can surmise that under all the accolades and education of the latest SCOTUS candidate is an indecent example of male privilege and hubris. We need an example to point out that greed and expectations have limits in our society. Kavanaugh appears equal to the task. Take him down.
15
I think you've done it very well yourself Ms Brown.
We are not taught properly well IDK what kids have learned since the 70's but then it was basically some version of Sparta where anything you could get or walk away with was yours and it was the other party's fault if they felt shorted or worse.
2
@magicisnotreal
This is not meant to apply to sex only, it is what every part of daily life was like then and still is in many places in America. It was a very "it's just business, nothing personal" way of approaching the world to justify selfishness. Much of that is perfectly portrayed in the stories we are hearing from 2nd and 3rd parties about what went on in the DC area prep schools and the ivy's.
It came to me last evening that this may be the source of the emotional disconnect and self righteous justification that explains why the republicans feel no compunctions about the de-regulation that has exposed defenseless people to predatory practices by business. They may be transferring that morally bankrupt social behavior into their standards for how to behave as adults. Which may explain Kavanaughs self righteous anger at having what he thinks is perfectly normal thrown in his face as if it meant he was a bad person.
I was 6. He was the babysitter's son, somewhere between 13 and 15. I don't know where she was, but he had my sisters and me alone in a bedroom, and said we were going to play house. He said it was bedtime and we all had to lie down. He pulled me on top of him and fingered me, insisting that I open my legs wider. I resisted, but he told me he would beat me up. When we were done "playing" he told me if I told anybody he would beat me up. I never said anything to anyone until my late 30's, when I told my sisters, and both of them said he had done the same thing to them. None of us ever told any of the adults in our lives at the time, or since. I have googled his name, and looked him up on Facebook. I've found members of his family but not him. I hope he's dead. I'm in my 50's now. The rage and the shame have never gone away.
58
Better yet, ask those of us who have not experienced it, as well. Those of us who had fun in high school and college. Who sometimes had to much to drink with our friends at a party. Who said “No,” and it was respected because it is not a normal right of passage for young men to assault young women. No, “most guys” haven’t done that, and most wouldn’t have tolerated it. Most don’t have to, or want to force a sexual assault on someone else. This should not be accepts as normal behavior. It is a character flaw unbecoming of the highest court in the land.
32
At some point, I surmise that kids learn this behavior from adults or "friends" who have learned it there. I'd hate to think what sort of home that was -- that kids would try to entice a girl to show her genitals for money.
Kavanaugh appears to be showing some of the cartoonish signs of having been a typical preppy, where prep school and college take on the image of "Animal House". I think people can redeem themselves; we do sometimes grow up. However, it doesn't look good if these allegations are actually true. If the allegations are true, I would think the better thing to do is come clean.
I think conservatives are overemphasizing the fact that the evidence (necessary for a conviction) is thin. The interview on Thursday is not a court of law, and it is not clear that it will be a genuine inquiry into the truth either. Unfortunately, because of how this has emerged, neither Blasey nor Kavanaugh has actually been granted due process in these hearings.
At this point, I still think the correct attitude is to wait and see.
1
“They can say Ford is a liar who concocted this story for political effect, falsified therapist’s notes from 2012 to corroborate her story, pretended to be unwilling to go public until journalists discovered her identity, and has volunteered to withstand the tsunami of hate and death threats guaranteed to come her way on the chance that she could torpedo Kavanaugh’s nomination.
Or they can say that they believe her, but that Kavanaugh’s alleged actions as a 17-year-old shouldn’t be held against him (a dispensation they’re notably unwilling to grant to, say, black teenagers shot by police).
Or finally, they can say that since it’s impossible to prove definitively what happened, Kavanaugh must be given the benefit of the doubt and confirmed. Because wouldn’t it be a tragedy if he were innocent and still wasn’t granted a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court? Women understand that argument too: The man in these situations is always the one whose future is vital to protect.”
D
19
I am a 70 year old woman. When I was in college in the 60's, I was chatting with my college roommate and we got onto the topic of our first sexual experience. She told me her first sexual experience was being raped at 15 years old. She never told anyone and hid her bruised body from her parents. Another friend was attacked and raped at knifepoint by a stranger in her apartment in the seventies. He told her if she told anyone he would come back and kill her. She never reported it. Another acquaintance, in the eighties, was followed home and raped at gunpoint. The man took her briefcase and miracle of miracles, the police found the man and he was prosecuted and went to jail. In my little world, I, alone, know three women who were raped. I wonder how many others there are who have never said a word to anyone. I think we have only BEGUN to realize the violence that has been and is perpetrated against women in our society. It begins with condoning the behavior of the likes of Brett Kavanaugh. Enough!!
62
I was in a meeting where the ice breaker was “tell us about your first kiss.” What a terrible question. My first kiss was at twelve, an 18 yo near stranger molesting me. That whole first kiss thing is for me just a bad memory. I was surprised and taken aback to be asked that question. I lied. I admired another woman who arched her eyebrows and said simply, “that is too personal a question.” I wonder what she too protected.
How odd that so many young people in this country 'get' that sexual assault (no matter the 'party' setting) is wrong and that those who were subjected to such remember it much better than the aggressors. Would that our national leaders had such moral compasses & understandings!
18
Rape culture is epitomized by a woman’s life being shaped by an assault that the male perpetrator cannot be bothered to remember.
1
The sad thing about your essay is that you are incorrect, it is normal for boys to behave the way you describe. However, the difference between boys who grow up to be decent men and those who grow up to be indecent is that decent men recognize that one's instincts have the potential to cause suffering to a group of people and therefore don't abide by them. Indecent men like Kavanaugh, Trump and their apologists use these instincts as an excuse where the boys will just be boys.
I was in a junior high photography class once and, while in the dark room, I saw two boys flirting with a girl who was flirting back with them. The flirting somehow escalated to touching which she seemed to like at first but all of sudden the laughter on her face gave way to dread. Seeing this, the boys eventually stopped and tried to smooth the situation over but she was still distressed. I have other stories like this. Sadly this type of stuff is normal and I don't need to wait for the behavioral psychology field to publish an academic paper on the subject to believe it.
It seems to me that the primary mechanism of sexual reproduction in the animal kingdom is what zoologists term "forced copulation" and what everyone else would call rape. Humans are indeed animals, but this is nothing new. Decency has always been an appeal to the better angels of our nature. Some people heed this call, others choose to ignore it.
10
@C. M. Jones, rape and attempted rape are pathological behaviors. They aren't instinctual. They're symptoms of a personality disorder.
Those boys in your junior high photography class backed off when they saw the girl's fear. That's the behavior of someone with a conscience.
So I have no doubt that the Senate men will decide that boys will be boys, and that an otherwise respectable man will not be held responsible for bad behavior as a teenager. It seems ironic that those Senators and Judge Kavanaugh's message to teenage girls is this: if you get pregnant, even if the sex was not consensual, you cannot undo that pregnancy with an abortion--you are going to be a mother and that status will stay with you for the rest of your life. We don't let women call "bygones" the way entitled white boys get to. No get out of jail free card like they are giving to the good judge.
That double standard for teenage girls stinks. Why would a fertile woman ever vote for a Republican again? According to the Republicans, her life is not her own--it's part of their platform, and it has consequences she cannot even imagine. And as an involuntary mother, it is not the least bit likely that she will get into an elite law school, clerk for an important judge, and end up nominated by a serial groper to the Supreme Court.
Two young people go to a party and drink too much. He comes out with a free pass and she comes out as a mother-to-be. He marries well, gets a series of great jobs and important people defend him. Her standard of living drops, she raises a child alone, her education ends early, and she is deemed a disappointment to everyone who hoped for great things from her. Republican fantasy.
31
Let's take a moment to moment to review the similar allegations leveled against Kagan, Sotomayor, Alito, Breyer, Roberts, Garland and Gorsuch:
Oops, there aren't any. Thomas is another story, but it looks to me like the problem isn't "Democratic smear campaign" since this didn't happen in the Gorsuch nomination.
51
Yeah, I know a lot of guys and I not a single one of them think that forcing a female to do anything is OK at any age. The idea that "boys will be boys" includes just some playful coercion, or some playful near rape is just repugnant to me. If we are not both consenting, then there really isn't any point. That is the way we were raised.
19
When I was in college I knew several guys who bragged ceaselessly about the girls they'd raped. Most of my friends and I knew what was going on but either felt powerless to do anything or just wanted to mind our own business. I graduated in 1985, I've talked about it with multiple people, warned my daughter as best I could when she went away to college, and have never forgotten my disgust at how those guys behaved. I agree with the author; decent people don't sexually assault, harass or rape, young or old, drunk or sober. And frankly, I think it's likely that every single apologist with a "boys will be boys" attitude likely takes this stance to help them justify, in their own guilty minds, their own histories of awful or violent behavior; except maybe women who say this...they're likely trying to justify the actions of their own fathers, husbands and sons. It's not ok, it's never ok, and it's never been ok.
30
Men have no idea what it is like for women - we face harassment and fear of sexual assault every day. Talk to any woman you know and she will tell you stories like Theresa's (and much worse). Many women restrict our activities because of this fear. How many men have thought about being attacked if they go jogging alone? It's not part of their reality. Even more shocking is when we don't fear, when we trust and have that trust broken by people we know. Ask your wife, your girlfriend, your daughter, and if they are willing to open up to you, you will be shocked. This is why women believe the accusers and men don't.
31
When I was 15 my boyfriend raped me. He pinned me down and covered my mouth with his hand and then a pillow. I thought I was going to die. The experience was surreal. The next day he bought me flowers.
I attempted suicide a few months later. A former 4.0 student who had tested as "gifted", I struggled through high school and failed my first semester of college. I was held afloat by affluent parents who could afford to pay for second and third chances while I got my life together. I spent years in therapy. I didn't have another relationship until I was 27.
I threw up when I read Ford's letter.
This isn't normal. There are millions of boys and young men who understand consent and female humanity.
The men that do this are not "decent men." Rape isn't a "youthful indiscretion." It's not something that "just happens". It's not the result of stupidity, or an error in judgement, or desperation, or even a crime like theft (which I've also been the victim of), which can be atoned for, from which you can move on and be redeemed.
To commit sexual assault you have to have a total, callous disregard for the humanity of your victim along with a brazen sense of power and entitlement. The scars and long term permanence of its consequences are second only to murder and torture.
A seventeen year old boy who shoves, locks in, pins down, and suffocates a girl while she screams, stripping and grinding against her while his friend laughs, is a fundamentally depraved person.
1320
@A F, this brought tears to my eyes. You have so succinctly, eloquently, perfectly and powerfully put words to the issues being raised by the current proceedings. Thank you.
6
@A F My heart aches for you dear one. Hope you find happiness in life despite what he did to you. I am angry you have this as a horrific memory from your teen years. Been there, still get angry even after it happening 52 years ago. You are a brave survivor.
2
@A F
Reading your note, my heart aches for you.
There are so many people, myself included, holding this hurt and not knowing what to do with it.
At the very least, speaking up about our pain, even if it puts us through the pain again, should help prevent our daughters from dealing with a world in which they feel helpless and silenced and ashamed, a world in which the standards of "decency" for men are so low as to be non existent.
1
This!
I’ve lost count of the times boys and men forced themselves physically or verbally upon me.
Decent boys and men never take advantage of girls or women in any situation.
13
Back in 1974 when I was a senior at Barnard college, I was walking by myself from the college library back to my dorm at about 9pm. All of a sudden a pack of two dozen completely naked guys from the Columbia College football team suddenly appeared running towards me. They yelled like wild animals, knocked me down, trampled over me, and ran away.
I'm sure they saw me in their path and got a big kick out of mowing down "some random girl." This happened during the Streaking craze, and I wasn't badly hurt, but it was a terrifying and humiliating experience. I told a couple of people, but I never reported it.
23
No, decent men don't behave in such ways. The man who exposed himself to you should have been arrested. But 10-year-old boys? Boys at that age need to be taught that decent men don't behave in such ways, but they shouldn't be mistaken for the men who should know better, either.
10
It is a reportable offense when older boys assault younger children. All children by age 5 are taught the difference between safe touch and abuse. This is not normal Behavior for 10-year-olds and as a mandated reporter I would have to report it to the department of social services. It would then be investigated and if substantiated those boys would be in trouble.
1
@K
Heavens, K, we're in late 18th century England and we've come upon a child who has stolen a loaf of bread. It's the rope or Australia!
There has never been a time in my life, no matter how young, where I would have thought what Kavanaugh is accused of doing would be acceptable. Moreover, even if I thought it would be acceptable, I don't find the idea of forcing myself on an unwilling partner the slightest bit arousing. But what I'm now really confused about is how many other men feel as I do: 90%? 75%? 10%? It's starting to seem like a very small number...
40
The way to get elected:
Listen to people, make lists. Do what you can to help them.
Work hard to find ways to help with the problems that are habitually experiencing.
Do not judge them, try to help them cope.
Do not brag.
Do not lie.
Do not put people off.
Work to change their lives for the better.
Be available, be real, be involved.
In this false and spin oriented culture you will stand right out and get noticed.
11
I don’t want my daughter to have ANY stories like this either, because I have too many.
46
Prior to assessing a SCOTUS with Kava -- is that something you would favor, or not? -- is the issue of what actually happened at the intersections of the lives of these women with that of the nominee. So far, despite all the fervid reporting, NYT and elsewhere, it sounds to me like multiple cases of 'she asserts vs. he denies'.
In our system, there is only one way to begin to get towards the bottom of such haywire, but that route has now been blocked by the GOP, which thereby shows itself for what it really is -- contemptuous of due process.
10
@An American in Sydney
There are levels. This is not a criminal case, the totality of what is said is evaluated not with an eye to beyond reasonable doubt but with an eye to what is most likely to be true.
3
@magicisnotreal
It can, of course, be evaluated according to any number of criteria. If "likely to be true" is the agreed criterion, we should consider the impartiality of the minds of those likely to assess the issue. An FBI investigation might help remove that assessment from those with vested interests in the outcome.
There's an obvious asymmetry in the way men and women treat each other sexually. The question I'm most interested in is: How much is this down to patriarchy, and how much physiology? And: What should a civilized society do to eliminate the damage caused by the physiological part?
5
@Watercannon, sexual assault is always associated with personality disorder. It's not a natural instinct.
If Kavanaugh is sure of his innocence, he should be asking the FBI to look into it and opening the door to as many witnesses as needed.
But he is not.
A principled man would be in favor of transparency.
A principled man would have answered the question of whether he had spoken to President Trump’s lawyers about the case (that may come before the Court he is being appointed to).
A principled man would have clearly answered the question on whether he would recuse himself.
And a principled man would not have purposefully thought to embarrass President Clinton with brutally explicit questions on his sex life during an investigation that had nothing to do with his sex life because he wanted revenge on the person he thought was “demeaning the office of the presidency”
And, last, a principled man would not then turn around and support Trump, who has done nothing but demean not only the office, but the basic institutions of our democracy.
Kavanaugh’s words are meant to distract us from what his actions tell us he is: a partisan who cannot uphold the principles of the constitution for all.
107
A principaled man would have walked away and spared his family further humiliation. Instead his ego seems more important than preserving dignity for his family. Shameful to want something so badly.
There is a very simple reason why Kavanaughesque behavior is exhibited again and again by powerful men: truly decent men almost never ascend to positions of real power, which are therefore mostly populated by charismatic, "big" men whose muscular ambition and appetite for power is easily rationalized by themselves and their enablers.
By extension and obvious analogy, this is also why women almost never ascend to positions of real power unless they show themselves to be willing to behave like the men they are competing against.
In sum, the Republican aide's lament that the halls of governmental power would be emptied and vacant if all were subjected to a "decent" standard of behavior is vacuous. I assert that this outcome would, in fact, be a good thing.
Niels Nielsen
Corvallis, Oregon
44
A decent man would express genuine compassion for any human being who has suffered.
An accused man could express compassion for his accuser. That expression should come naturally if the accused is innocent. Even if guilty decent man could face the pain he has caused and do something about it.
Guilty or not, an indecent man casts aspersions and doubles down. For a Supreme Court nominee, this indecency seems disqualifying
69
Seriously? A falsely accused man should have compassion for the liar who is accusing him? Please.
Yes. The same older boy younger girl episode happened to me. Fortunately, I told my mother—the abuse ceased, and I am not haunted by the memories. Having a champion in your corner makes a huge difference. Other abuse instances—we all have them—were not so traumatic because I can reflect on the memory of my mother’s immediate action and that insulated me, to a very large degree, from the self shame that is so common. God bless my mother, who was certainly not perfect, for charging in to protect me.
44
Victim testimony is evidence. Eye witness testimony is evidence. For every victim of sexual assault, and we are many, to say otherwise is deeply offensive. What experts say about a victim memory of assault “rings true.” We have just to compare the violation we can’t forget with the unimportant details we can’t remember.
31
I find it interesting that anecdotes about other women's trauma some how proves Ms. Ford's claims. She has absolutely no recollection of when or where the a alleged attack occurred, individuals she named as witnesses deny it ever happened. Dito for the second "accuser" Ms. Ramirez. No date, no time, but a place. Drunk and doesn't remember who did it but heard someone say it was Kavanaugh. Of course none of the people at the party have any recollection of this event - and trust me you don't forget this time of incident.
Your analysis assumes that Kavanaugh is guilty since decent men don't behave this way. They don't and know one has any proof that he did behave this way.
Try this out..your 19 year old son is falsely accused of sexually abusing a woman. His Ivy League college investigates and finds him guilty and tosses him out even though there is absolutely no proof. Do you believe him or the accuser?
10
You’re correct in that the author seems to imply that Kavanaugh is guilty. However, her earlier point is accurate: some are brushing off Ford’s accusations by depicting Kavanaugh as a decent man. And the author is 100% right: Decent men do not force themselves upon women in any way, nor do they disrespect women with vulgar and demeaning treatment or language - and that applies to college-age men and teenage boys as well.
37
@Bill, you're simply making the case for a thorough FBI investigation.
Why do you think Kavanaugh and the GOP oppose an investigation?
There is a somewhat more charitable view than the author's of the people she is complaining about. With so few details, and those only coming from one side of the story, people naturally tend to fill in the blanks based on their own experiences and biases. Psychologists have studied this in regard to eyewitness testimony in criminal trials.
As you fill in details from your own experiences and biases (especially bias starting from "I do/do not want this guy on the court"), you can come up with a lot of different scenarios, some very grave and serious, some a lot more minor.
The charitable, and I think hopeful, view is not that people have vastly different moral senses, but that people are responding to their imagination of two quite different incidents.
2
@Jeff W. Please enlighten me. What are the "more charitable view than the author's of the people she is complaining about." Inquiring minds want to know.
2
@Kate It's charitable in general to assume that political opponents are fundamentally morally decent, just starting with different facts, priorities and biases. In particular, that people might apologize for Kavanagh's alleged behavior because when they imagine what happened, they imagine a quite different incident than Ms. Brown does.
@Jeff W., the allegation from Dr. Ford is that he and Mark Judge forced her into a bedroom, locked the door, turned the music on loud to drown out her screams; then Kavanaugh pinned her down on the bed, groped her while trying to take off her clothes, and pressed his hand over her mouth and nose.
What is the more innocent rendering of that incident?
As a man, now 64 and yes, I went to parties and did some drinking in my youth, I find the alleged conduct of Kavanagh, Judge etc. appalling. This is behavior in which I never would have participated, and would not have condoned among friends, dorm mates or anyone else. Call me boring if you want. I am not and never was a saint, but having fun does not have to be inconsistent with decency and respect.
99
Exactly! I’ve gone to my share of parentless parties in my youth with both drugs and alcohol in use, and never did any of the guys behave as indomitably as Kavanaugh is alleged to behave. He was a binge drinker, so it may be that he doesn’t remember, but to call it normal, youthful hijinks is absurd.
This op-ed asks a fundamental question:is growing as a young boy compatible with growing as a young girl? The two sexes learn about the outside world through haphazard encounters which form ,and often deform the perception they build about the social codes they will have to live by.
The main issue is that nobody is immune to lasting damages every time something happens to us without our consent.Being the agressor is not limited to boys taking advantage of girls ;in many instances it turns out that young boys become marked for life by experiments suggested and acted upon by a more astute or mature girl.
In consideration of the above ,it is unfortunately impossible to limit the debate within the narrow confines of one particular memory of one given occurrence.This means that in the case of Judge Kavanaugh,it is not reasonable to squash an entire life on account of a moment of folly at the ripe age of 17. Dr Ford has moved on and become a distinguished professor,and Judge Kavanaugh an admired legal mind.
A society cannot become paralyzed by obsessive hunts for AHA moments having taken place dozens of years ago. It is unfortunate but our society is far from perfect:ask the pope, president Trump, or ex president Clinton...Yet they all must soldier along.
2
@Marcelo Brito "it is not reasonable to squash an entire life on account of a moment of folly at the ripe age of 17" No one is suggesting the his entire life be squashed. But to reward him with a lifetime appointment to the highest court in the land? No way. He does not deserve that.
7
@Marcelo Brito, I sincerely hope that we evolve beyond the attitude expressed in your comment.
I hope to see that day when we don't accept sexual assault as a "moment of folly" at age 17. I hope we see it as the crime it is.
I hope we can stop obsessing about ruining the life of the accused, and we can start to think about the lives of the victims.
I hope the day arrives when we value the futures of everyone equally, and we don't accept assault as a normal part of growing up.
I don't assume that Dr. Ford has moved on. On the contrary, if her allegations are true, I imagine that this attack will affect her for the rest of her life. This is a trauma you live with daily, regardless of appearances.
Nor do I think that it would "squash" Kavanaugh's life if he were denied a position on the Supreme Court.
We need to get beyond these old societal attitudes toward sexual assault, especially if we want assault victims to heal and come forward.
2
If the allegations are true, Kavanaugh is 100% disqualified. No one is asking for him to be put on trial or to be incarcerated, but getting a lifetime appointment to the highest judicial body in the nation is absolutely not something that should happen.
Now let's have the FBI investigate, have Kavanaugh, Ford, and the other person in the room testify under oath.
42
Based on these standards, Donald Trump is also 100% disqualified for his office. And yet, there he is. Sadly, I predict that none of this will matter, as it didn’t matter for Trump and it didn’t matter for Clarence Thomas. Kavanaugh will be confirmed, and the Elite Boys Club will carry on.
17
Thank you for this well written essay, Ms. Brown. It is incredibly sad that you and many women and men have had to endure this kind of treatment by "decent" men. I am fortunate to be associated with many decent men who would never ever consider doing the kinds of things that the supposedly decent Brett Kavanaugh supposedly did.
24
I told my wife if he did it once and got away with it, there would be more women out there he did it to. Looks like that is the case. This is not a court of law. "More than likely" is enough evidence to decide whether this "man" is good enough to sit on the Supreme Court. That is why we have advise and consent. We trust our representatives to make the best decision. But that is my opinion, and I am just one vote.
46
What boggles the mind is how quick so many are to defend Kavanaugh. But if you take away these facts about him, his being a lawyer, a family man, being a Supreme Court nominee and turned him back into a teenager who had been caught (and who was African American) he would have had the proverbial book thrown at him.
The only thing protecting Kavanaugh is his skin color and the GOP. This is not about someone trying to ruin Kavanaugh's life or bring down the GOP or Trump. Blasey Ford didn't report it because she knew, like the rest of us, that reporting it would expose her to more trauma than it was worth. And she knew that as a teenager. So do most women. We learn as young girls and teens that it's okay for boys to be boys. It's not okay for us to say anything.
I never reported on the doctor who molested me when I was a teen. He was a doctor. I was teenaged girl. I'd had enough experience with adults to know who would be believed to and it wasn't going to be me. I wonder if anyone understands how lonely that is: to be raped or molested or sexually assaulted and know that you will not be believed no matter what you say or do.
It would be a better world if people understood that rape and molestation are crimes that are not provoked by the victims. But, judging by the reactions of many it's not.
92
@hen3ry, the good old boy club is not limited to the people Kavanaugh knew at prep school, or at Yale. It's the culture. Patriarchy degrades and demeans women, and most of the population is brainwashed into believing it's just fine and dandy. If you were to poll 100 or 1000 random men with the question, "Do you think men are better than women?" you'd be absolutely appalled to hear the answer ...
1
Unfortunately too many men in our society display this kind of behavior. It is done with impunity because the perpetrators are aware that the system is unlikely to punish them or their peers simply unwilling to judge them or hold them accountable. It is horrific enough that we have Clarence Thomas on the bench. We definitely don't need another like him on the court. Not even if there is only a whisper about it. It is time that we started holding our public officials to the standards that our parents held us to :A complete display of decency and ethical behavior. Out with Trump and Kavanaugh and others like them in public spheres of life. Go away somewhere else.
29
I was raised by three older sisters. Without knowing or truly appreciating it until I was an adult, I was raised to respect women. Decent men don't and really can't behave this way. As a high school basketball coach I view it as my primary responsibility to teach my players to respect women and girls. I don't assume they receive these lessons at home.
Thank you for your thoughtful essay. I look forward to reading "The Shift".
44
Of course it is not acceptable. I haven’t heard anyone say it is. But the Kavanaugh matter hinges on the imperfect recollection of a women who doesn’t know when the event occurred, where it occurred, or who else was there.
2
Check the stats women know who abused them with extremely high accuracy. this is not something people get wrong.
7
@TW Smith: Stay tuned. Looks like we’re up to three now. Heavy drinking, gambling in the high six figures, his desire to “get” Clinton by utterly humiliating Monica Lewinsky? Not a pretty picture.
So Kavanaugh gets a pass to the high court regardless of what accusers say. At least we know where you stand
Every young (or adult) male does not participate in behavior harmful to others. There is nothing "normal" about these kinds of actions. Some may cite peer pressure, drugs, or drinking but anyone brought up with a true moral sense of right and wrong knows that no matter what, it is never acceptable to harm another human being.
33
My 19 year old son said flat out that if Kavanaugh did this, he's disqualified for the Supreme Court. 19 years old, and he knows decent young men don't do this. Doesn't matter how drunk or how much time has passed. Disqualified.
1351
@MJ thank you. I have 2 teenage girls, and I've known so many wonderful boys growing up with them. My own life experiences are strikingly similar to those of the author, with plenty more stories thrown in. That was our era. I live with the consequences everyday, in countless ways. I can only hope our children have a better, more mindful, respectful chapter.
8
@MJ,
You wrote, "Disqualified."
Your son said, "...if Kavanaugh did this...."
Kavanaugh has stated that he didn't do it. If he did, that's all the reason needed to disqualify him. But all that turns on whether he did it, and it doesn't take questioning Dr. Ford's recollection to see that it is highly unlikely that he did.
2
@MJ
IF he did it. But an unsubstantiated accusation alone from a women who cannot say when or where it took pls e isn’t enough to ruin someone’s life.
1
Just 12 years ago I went to a doctor for a severe ear infection. I was 4.5 months pregnant and I had 3 young children with me. The doctor, who was head of the ENT department, had 5 residents with him and seemed to be leading them on grand rounds. He rubbed himself against me on the pretext that it was too much trouble to walk around the exam chair to check my ear, and it was completely obvious and very embarrassing— but I needed medical help. I stayed quiet; he told a resident to write me a prescription for Avelox, which stops cell division (I learned afterwards); and the medicine killed the baby without helping the infection, so my eardrums both ruptured. That’s what perverts do with their power.
12
Thank you for sharing your experiences Theresa. And 'decent' men need to speak up, be upstanders, and raise their kids right.
10
I worked last night and we (our ER) had a young woman who was physically abused by her intimate partner/baby daddy. It is unfortunately not uncommon.
The sexual and physical abuse of woman comes in so many different flavors and is still disturbing to me after 30 years + in healthcare. The perps are not men- they are monsters- who abuse the full range of women from little babies to elderly women. As an agnostic I really do not believe in evil in a spiritual sense, but the sexual and physical (many times both are seen together) abuse of women would be a good example if asked to provide one.
I will retire in about 10 years and I will miss many things about my work, but seeing this kind of thing will not be one of them. It is tragic how common it is.
Men do not abuse women, male monsters might, but men do not. They are not men.
25
@David Gregory When I was a 15 year old girl an older man made a graphically indecent suggestion to me in the beach parking lot. I had to think twice about running him over with the car. He had stepped beyond the pale of humanity and I truly felt a need to exterminate him for the good of my community. It was instinctive.
1
When I was 10 years old, a teenage neighbor walked right into our apartment uninvited and attempted to rape me. He picked me up just like I was a toddler being naughty. Then he grabbed my private parts and threw me on a bed.
The only reason he stopped is that I screamed I would tell my dad. I did tell him later, and the only punishment received was by me. I was told I could no longer go out of our yard.
So was the long silence that followed: my mother, who was off at college for the summer, never found out about it and I didn’t tell her. I saw the young man often at school and he never met my gaze. I never understood what happened until years later when I told one of my sisters and my husband. I physically shook so hard when I told my sister that I thought I was having a seizure.
Men are stronger than we are and know they can depend on eons worth of woman blaming to get away with stuff. They are so confident of their invulnerability that they prey on children as well as adult women. No woman or girl is safe from a male predator.
Please, let’s not have two on the Supreme Court.
46
I know many decent men and 'no' they don't do that. They wouldn't even think of doing that.
23
When I was 30, I told my husband that all of my closest friends had been molested as children, raped or beaten up by family members, husbands or boyfriends. He thought I had a very weird group of friends.
My friends were teachers, lawyers, artists, doctors, grad students, professors, musicians, mothers.
"You have a very weird group of friends."
What I think now is that my friends and I all trusted each other to talk about what the violence we'd been subjected to. This became a bond between us and a source of strength.
Keep talking to other women. We really need each other.
60
@fast/furious
Many years ago, as a graduate student, I went to a gathering where there were about 20 or so women. The topic turned to sexual assaults. We talked about being forcibly touched, coerced, and assaulted. Out of curiosity I asked for a show of hands. Each and everyone of us had experienced some form of the above. And, not one of us had told a family member or anyone in authority.
The anger that we see pouring out now has been a long time coming.
2
It seems to me that girls are shocked, absolutely shocked to find the world is a sometimes dangerous place full of people with a different agenda than your own. In the American culture expecting that no woman may happen onto situations that are sexual is naive. And if its because the stakes are high for a nominee to the supreme court and his actions of over 35 years ago should be brought to light, then accuser has to answer why the stakes weren't high enough for her to do it then. We should be taking action at time of the event....not years later. Don't let the accused get away with it. Isn't this as much as an act of revenge as it is a revelation?
1
@Al Morgan No. Apparently you have not been reading much of the reports of women all over the country who had similar encounters - encounters that they never reported because of a variety of reasons. Trauma, shame, embarrassment, emotionally derailed for years and the big one - fear that they would not be believed. You need to read the news a little more closely.
3
@Al Morgan I don't think most "girls" are shocked by this at all- it seems to me that almost every woman I know has encountered countless incidences of "situations that are sexual" from their childhoods, through their teens, and all through adulthood. The reasons many victims don't report at the time an assault occurs are many and varied, but often include the fact that we are not believed, and are in fact discouraged to come forward. Open your eyes!
1
@Al Morgan, you represent a point of view that's as old as the Bible. According to you, a woman accuses a man of sexual assault as an act of revenge, like Potiphar's wife. Also according to you, the victim is responsible for her assault because she was naïve. If she doesn't come forward immediately, you think she must be lying.
Fortunately, most men and women no longer think like you. They know why victims remain silent. They know that victims aren't responsible--their attackers are. They don't attack the victim for what she wears and which party she attends.
If the allegations are true, the accused did get away with it. The only question is whether he deserves a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court.
2
Men and boys have their stories as well. When I was a 16 year old boy I was kidnapped by a convicted rapist at knife point that my testimony helped put away for a very long time.
I was lucky enough to escape before the man assaulted me, but he drove me around for several hours and told me where he was driving me to "initiate me the way they do in jail" (where he had spent several years for beating and raping his aunt when he was only 17).
There was other testimony from a couple of people not so lucky, including a woman he raped and beat so badly her heart had to be revived in the hospital and a man he badly stabbed.
Obviously, women are usually the victims and men usually the sex criminals but it is not accurate to suggest sexual abuse only has women as victims. Believe me, a lot of adolescent boys have suffered similar experiences. I have other stories.
It is equally inaccurate to suggest a majority of men assault women or ignore atrocious behavior by other men. Of course, most people are not brave enough to lead.
11
At issue here, I think, is the definition of what's acceptable.
What we are finding, in our country, now, as well as elsewhere, is that the culture of violence against women IS the norm.
So when there's an outcry--"Kavanaugh is a great man, a decent man,' there's no hypocrisy. He's just like everyone else, because this kind of behavior has been getting a pass, forever.
13
Yes, decent men don’t do these things.
Kavanaugh didn’t do these things.
1
@RS, how can we know one way or the other? That is a strong pronouncement for something that does not necessarily seem knowable either way. Shouldn't we at least all reserve our judgment and hear the testimony of those involved? See if there is any more evidence?
5
A clear concern is that teenage boys who behave with aggressive sexual impudence, and survive unscathed to adulthood, seem to be those who rise to the top in business and politics when compared to peers of equivalent talent.
These men are successful less due to their personal capabilities than their entitlement mentality, demanding to be first before others in all things.
This is how men like Trump and Kavanaugh rise to the top because they demand it, not because they earned it.
And that is our fault.
14
I wonder how many women have had these sorts of incidents occur in their past...middle school? high school? college? We told no one for the same reasons as all the other women and girls who told no one, shame, humiliation, fear, feeling we did something to deserve it, worry no one would believe us.
This is the moment to speak out not the time to discredit. This is not something one forgets it is simply something one doesn't talk about.
12
I am glad this article was written. I'd like to see a similar article written by a man or a male teenager. This week's excuses not only insult men but teens. As a teen, I had many male friends and at my school, we even had slumber parties and overnight trips which were co-ed I personally never felt threatened by any of my male friends. While not all the boys were, some did come from similar privileged backgrounds like Kavanaugh. I also routinely played sports with my brothers' friends. Just because SOME teenage boys are dolts and predators does not mean most are.
19
Many, many women have experienced what Christine Blasey Ford, and Anita Hill have experienced. And, we too do not talk about it for fear of being further humiliated, and victimized, if we reveal our experience.
Sadly, the onus has always been on the women. The men are excused as "boys will be boys", or "grown men just being men engaging in locker room talk". It's a historical fact that women
have always been victimized in this manner, and the men almost aways get away with this behavior.
Society, in general, always places the onus on the women. In some societies, this egregious behavior towards the victim culminates in killing of the victim, to restore the honor, and male egos in her family, or that of her spouse.
The kind of men who treat women in this manner feel entitled to behaving this way just because they are men. Some of this might have been modeled at home by their fathers. They do not respect women because in their eyes, women are not seen as equals who merit respect. These men are narcissistic bullies, and they do not belong in the Supreme Court of the United States of America.
70
Many men would describe themselves as "decent," though they did the things women are finally coming forward about.
That's the problem: they excuse their behavior because they think being drunk, or young, or inexperienced somehow means they were not at fault, or shouldn't be held responsible now.
But decent boys and men don't do these things. Period.
30
“ Man Up” you say, eh! Knowing w/m Republican Senators are already guilty as charged by The Democrats in office ,and out, no matter what they may ask this woman at the hearing. What they ( Democrats and the plaintiff) don’t want is questioning by a female attorney under any circumstances! And we know why....
2
It used to be that drunk drivers could kill people with no consequence or penalty. It was waved off by saying that the driver was a good person, and he or she were drunk, but it was an accident. Today, we've changed that attitude a lot. Now we see pedestrians and cyclist killed by ordinary drivers often not drunk and the courts usually side with motorist over the bike. Bike's are a nuisance they say, what were they doing in the street anyway? And of course we have woman and sometimes men that are very harmed by the actions of good drunk people who sometimes commit to assault when drinking. Why do we do this. Why do we always take the side of the inebriated, the careless motorist? We say kids will be kids or they're a good person, they just get violent when they drink. Republicans hold themselves out as a party of responsibility of the individual. Where is that now?
21
“Brett Kavanaugh may have held down a 15-year-old girl and made her fear she was going to die, but Brett Kavanaugh is a decent man. ..." I have no idea whether he did these things, though I have no reason to doubt Ms. Ford. But this quote, and really the entire piece, is disengenuous in that it does not reflect the narrative of his supporters, which is, we don't believe he did it - *not* even if he did, he's a good guy. This sort of misrepresentation only weakens the arguments of Kavanaugh's critics and trivializes the debate over how to treat allegations from events long ago that may not have clear evidence for or against.
2
It’s hard to speak for all of his supporters, but there have been commenters on here and on tv arguing that his mistakes as a teen shouldn’t hold him back. Those are the ones that this author is confronting.
Some of these say that it’s not a problem because it happened so long ago (Grassley: what was I doing 35 years ago...). He was a Senator. Some because he was a teen (are we ready to let a teen’s mistakes deny him opportunities in the future?). We do, with incarceration, lost financial aid eligibility, lost rights to vote, job ineligibility, etc, or deny security clearance and fire a person accused of domestic violence, for example. But maybe we shouldn’t let that block a path to the US Supreme Court.
You’re right though, there must be other supporters. Maybe these people really believe Kavanaugh and want him to be able to clear his name. Unless the Senate can completely destroy Dr. Blasey Ford in the hearing, however, he will remain tainted like Thomas after Anita Hill’s hearing. Anita Hill offered measures to help them do that, delay the hearing so that the FBI can investigate, and get witnesses under oath. Grassley has refused.
So, I think several authors challenge the view that seems to be driving the Senate’s procedure here. Maybe they hope to push the Senate toward good faith and fairness, using shame. It’s hard work. Grassley’s actions promote the opposite of “decency” (get it done while you’re young) and evangelical groups support him, to remove women’s rights.
3
@Koho, I think there is a credible narrative that his supporters don't care whether he's guilty. We've seen that from GOP senators who have already decided how they'll vote. We've also seen it from commenters who dismiss either the women or the crimes.
I think those supporters who really do take these allegations seriously should step forward and demand an FBI investigation. So far I haven't seen anyone do that.
It is time for us to tell stories that contrast with the stories of of sexual assault and gross behaviour by those who abuse alcohol because Theresa Brown is correct; Decent men do not do the actions described in the accusations against Kavanaugh.
I remember one of the first weekends at my small liberal arts college when two male friends from high school and I took a bottle of vodka and a half gallon of orange juice, walked 12 or so blocks to the river bank where we sat and shared both.
I did not drink alcohol during high school parties; it just wasn't what my friends and I did. This was my first time being drunk. I was not sexually assaulted. I was not made to feel unsafe. We looked at stars and laughed about actually being at college. I was with two decent men who did not need to assault female acquaintances to prove anything. They were smart, funny, cute as freshmen could be in the mid-sixties. These men aged into good husbands and good members of their communities. They were decent men at 18 years of age. They are still decent men at 70+.
My husband who attended a non-coed Ivy school in the woods of New Hampshire is a decent man, too. The industry in which he worked is famous for alcohol abuse which he avoided because he did not feel the need to prove he could "fit in" to a drinking culture. When you are confident in yourself to produce good work, you don't need to be one of the "frat boys".
There are decent men. I know them. You know them. Don't settle
39
My father repeatedly exposed himself to me in his bathroom until I was 6. That's when a little boy, my neighbor, told me that adult men didn't usually invite their little girl into the bathroom with them. So, I learned not to go into the bathroom with him. But then, when I was in my 30s, he had his first heart attaack, and when he was in the hospital, he felt "liberated" to flash me while in his open hospital gown. He continued this behavior almost until the day he died, even after I confronted him about it. All my friends and past therapists know what my father did to me, but I've never told a soul at work. When his friends or acquaintances told me how much they liked him, I remained silent even when it was to my disadvantage. He was a respected pillar of his community and I a) didn't want to disillusion them and/or b) didn't want to risk being disbelieved. The Kavanaugh alleged attempted rape and exposure are deeply troubling to me. If there's one thing I know it is is that flashers can't stop themselves.
50
Very few people of any political party condones sexual assault or dismisses it. The thing is that it needs to be proven. We shouldn’t persecute based on allegations alone, even if some believe the accuser is “credible “. The accusations need to be substantiated with facts and/or corroboration. No man should ever assault a woman in any way. Sexual assault should end with jail and being on a sexual offender registry. First comes proof though and that step cannot be overlooked.
2
What in God's name is Kavanaugh teaching his own daughters? What will his standards be for them as they go through adolescence and teenage years? Will he be able to tell them with a straight face how to deal with boys who attack them, or will he tell them "Boys will be boys"? What a sad state of affairs.
62
Men like Kavanaugh don’t see any connection between what they did to women and what other men will do to their daughters. Their moral blindness is absolute.
5
The fact is that women, all over the world, are prey.
Once that is realized, one can understand the light sentences for painfully proven sexual offenses, the "boys will be boys" rhetoric, the "but look what she was wearing, where she was alone, how much she drank" excuses, the disbelief and scorn when offenses are dared to be reported.
Many women have so fully incorporated being prey into their consciousness that they actually vote for misogynists and gropers who will be empowered to govern them.
Yes, decent men don't do these things and I know many of them. But there are many men, and too many women, who need to change their definition of decency.
10
The fact is that weak men, men that don't understand what manhood means, do these things because they believe that their actions are not only accepted, they're expected.
No thinking man, at least no man that's ever known a woman, can possibly think that he will impress a woman by exposing himself. So they must be doing it to impress someone else. And I suspect they do it mostly to impress other men.
That is evident in the yearbook postings of Mr. Kavanaugh and Mr. Justice.
It's difficult for most of us men to understand the world view of women. We have a hard time believing the sort of behavior we hear described because we couldn't dream of behaving that way ourselves. But as a minority, I know that it takes only a few members of the more powerful group to undermine your trust in the whole group.
For women, I suspect, it's hard to trust men when you know that some of them, but you don't know which, are rapists or abusers.
36
He wasn’t a man he was a kid.
1
I knew a girl who carried a knife wherever she went to defend herself against sexual assault. Maybe it wasn't normal, but she certainly wasn't surprised when it happened.
13
I was stalked for a year by an ex-boyfriend. My own parents took his sides, with my dad telling me, "That's how a man gets a good woman", and my mother chastising me for being mean to him and not giving him another chance. To this day, she talks about what a "nice guy" he was.
When I was working on my Master's degree, a professor repeatedly asked me creepy and intrusive questions about my personal life, despite--or perhaps, BECAUSE--my obvious discomfort. When I complained to a classmate, she dismissed me, telling me, "Oh, he's just being fatherly".
"Nice guys" do NOT act like this.
86
The fact that Prof Ford is willing to testify, under oath, to the FBI and Judge Kavanaugh and Mark Judge won't speaks volumes. If they have nothing to hide, let them tell the FBI. Of course under oath.
Men I know are appalled by this behavior (not to mention Trump's). Our reaction to men who engage in this type of behavior is, "what's wrong with these guys?" Are they from some "elite pampered class" that was brought up thinking they can do whatever they want?
Grassley and his committee are an embarrassment! While Judge Kavanaugh deserves a fair hearing, there is enough evidence to warrant a more extensive investigation by the FBI. I would think Kavanaugh would welcome it. The longer this goes on it seems that the Republicans are hiding some important facts. Hopefully, the public will force Congress to do the right thing. We don't need this appointment to be another stain on our democracy.
20
First of all, thank you very much for your comments and for making it clear that you are speaking about some men and not all men. I regularly cringe at NYT articles that make broad generalizations or imply that *all* men have horrible sexual behaviors.
Second, thank you for saying this! Speaking as a man, I don't find any of the behavior described in this article remotely acceptable and I find it horrifying that these events define a major element of the female experience. Several of the things described here are crimes (as they should be); but for all of them, I personally don't understand how any man can defend his actions in any of these cases.
To me, the term "decent" means someone who hasn't done any of these things (including the stuff Kavanaugh is accused of), but maybe that word should just go the way of the buggy whip. Maybe we evaluate supreme court nominees on being "woke?"
9
The fraternity culture has always been in a self-destructive cycle with alcohol fueled binges leading to various bizarre rituals and deaths. They seem to attract certain personalities.
They are equal opportunity sadists because they torture and kill their own as well as degrade women.
They basically create an artificial social value through torture and subjugation ..... so the applicants earn presumed social status of belonging to an elite group.
Alcohol is the drug of choice..... and it fuels violence.
11
@C Wolf The behavior is vile and we can not afford to place a person of such low character on the Supreme Court
A "decent" man, under these circumstances, would withdraw his name from consideration. He would put the good of the court and the country ahead of his own ambition. Many others have done so. Remember the graciousness with which Gore accepted the judgment of the supreme court when they appointed Bush president. He was grace under pressure, caring more for the welfare of the country than a lifelong ambition.
There are no "decent" men left in today's Republican party. There is raw ambition and an ethos of might makes right. The rest is hollow, empty. McConnell, Trump, Hatch, Grassely are men without honor who care not a whit about the good of the country. If they cared, they would slow down, investigate. Goodness knows, they spent months and millions investigating Benghazi. If they could do that then, why not now? Because their donors demand that Kavanaugh be seated so lawsuits brought by attorneys general for their crimes against the environment never get off the ground. Abortion is a sop to toss to their base, but rape of the environment is the goal.
Yes, when you want to rape the environment, what is a little rape - or attempted rape - of a young girl? Kavanaugh is showing us by his present actions that he not worthy of a seat on the high court. He is a flawed, ruthless, ambitious man who - like his patrons - thinks only of his own pleasure.
28
Of all the support offered in defense of Kavanaugh, the idea that sexual assault is expected behavior of boys and young men is the most hideous. I blame this excuse as a consequence of Trump’s own “locker room” defense when caught bragging about sexual assault—before he lamely claimed the video was a lie. Perhaps this kind of behavior is more common in privileged alpha males, but if it is, we had better quit putting them in positions of power. Yes, I agree Kavanaugh has a right to defend himself. So does Bill Cosby. So does Trump. So does Bill Clinton, for that matter. But the defense cannot conclude sexual assault is acceptable. Equally appalling is the double-bind women are put in when they are castigated for not coming forth sooner—and at the same time—accused of lying when they do. Sexual assault happens precisely because the perpetrator knows how much the victim in our society is tarnished for “bringing down” a pillar of society. Unfortunately, blaming the victim is the status quo among the elite who hold court in the corridors of power. It is a second assault on the victim, and it makes a mockery of all claims of equality and justice under the law.
13
Continuation of my incomplete reply to Butch S above or below.
It is not true that most men have sexually assaulted people when they were younger. It is also not true that is they did, that they continually regret it later. Rapists ( in a broader sense ) are not particularly regretful or empathetic.
2
We women must not project anger from our own bad experiences onto men who might be innocent and who deserve due process. We must not reinforce stereotypes of ourselves as being "irrational, hysterical, anti-male" or of concocting "straw man" arguments about people thinking sexual assault is normal. I know no person who thinks so.
This article is excellent and meaningful until it devolves into a clear supposition that Judge Kavanaugh is guilty by accusation and that is that.
Unfortunately, the unscrupulous natterings of many on the left make political shenanigans more believable. It makes otherwise reasonable people become suspicious of a victim's claims even when their natural instinct is to empathize and be fair.
2
@
Marcia Stephens It's the refusal of due process that has angered so many.
4
Thank you so much for writing this. Thank you for your clarity. Thank you for your
decency.
14
Well, my dear ... then there are no decent men.
And that is nearly the truth, because I can't tell you how many times I've been sexually assaulted or said "no" only to have things continue. I agree with everything you've said in this article. But ... someone needs to say it ... these are not 'evil' men; these are our brothers, our fathers, our boyfriends, our husbands. (Let me clarify - our brothers/fathers may not be sexually assaulting us directly, but may have assaulted other women.)
I would say at least half the men I know (I am 42) has behaved like this in some fashion (especially if you are around people who drink and party). And what you are asking women to do, is to NOT excuse them. And then what? Rid them from their lives forever? Their husbands, brothers and fathers? But they DO excuse them - on a daily basis!
And this is the problem -- you can't call every person "evil" who has acted in this manner. Obviously, they were VERY WRONG in their behavior. They should have been punished or jailed, probably. But they didn't even know they were doing anything wrong. Because until now ... we never stood up and said it was wrong. In fact ... I will venture to say that there are still some women out there who think this behavior is the "games men and women play".
What's more ... you will be hard pressed to find a man who has not behaved this way. A man was elected President who CRUDELY BRAGGED about sexually assaulting women. Some people are obviously still OK with it.
3
Thanks for your state-of-the-art comment! It’s a crazy world and perhaps we’re 500 years from truly comprehending what’s going on between men and women...
@Yes Right
When I was in college, I got very drunk with some guy friends, two of whom were attracted to me.
They helped me up to my dorm room and sat with me until my RA arrived.
They did not rape me. They took care of me like friends do for a person.
Most men I have known do not rape. It is not normal male behavior.
When I taught at a Catholic high school a "youth minister" came to talk to the kids about sexuality. He launched into a long, manipulative rant about how all boys were pigs, how they didn't love their girlfriends, how they had no feelings attached to sex, how the girls needed to find a "real man" like him who had conquered his violent urges through the grace of Jesus.
I stood up and called him out in front of the kids. I said that abusive boys were NOT normal. That those who committed sexual abuse or assault were abnormal. That most boys had tender feelings themselves and understood love and consent, and that love and consent is what we should expect from them, grace or not.
He got enraged and shouted at me in front of the kids, then he went into some weird story about how his wife didn't need the Pill anymore for health reasons because he had "cured" her endometriosis by praying over her belly.
I was proud to lose my job over challenging him.
He was later fired from Youth Ministry for abuse.
Most of my boys have gone on to be good young men.
The people who say "all men do" are projecting and speaking only for themselves.
I am so tired of white-male class privilege. If Kavanaugh is guilty, then he is responding by not only lying but lying to himself--out of white-male class privilege. Look at motive. The women have motive to tell the truth (and seek an FBI investigation to back them up). Kavanaugh, if guilty, has motive to lie, in fact several motives (save his Supreme Court appointment, save his family from embarrassment, save himself from humiliation). And what's worse, the Republican male senators on the Judiciary Committee are also behaving, by putting the women accusers down, out of white-male class privilege. This isn't a criminal trial. We don't need proof beyond reasonable doubt. If there is so much as suspicion that Kavanaugh did one or both of these things, he should be denied approval.
33
At the age of 5 I was lured into the bushes at a park by a 16 year old boy and sexually assaulted. At age 8 an older man exposed himself to me on my street in front of the house. At 13, an old man exposed himself to me as I was walking to school. at the age of 19 I was chased through my neighborhood by a young man (who I outran) as I walked home from the bus stop after dark. At the age of 20 a friend of my older sister pinned me down and forced himself on me. I have 3 daughters, two of whom were raped before the age of 25.
We live within a deeply disturbing culture of misogyny and rape. It is horrendous and disgusting that there are so many women with so many stories to tell...
133
Many defend Kavanaugh by saying "drunken teenage boys and young men do this kind of thing. It's just a normal phase." But most of the boys and young men I knew back in the day did NOT do this kind of thing.
If you are reading this comment, and you are a man, would you please let the rest of us know whether this was normal for YOU? I think we need some numbers here, some kind of #NotMe movement. We're normalizing this in really, really weird ways.
56
I don’t like Kavanaugh. But he does deny the charges. He says they aren’t true. The senate must decide if it believes his denial, and it ought to also determine just how close to the wind he did sail.
1
But the Senate refuses to investigate, refuses to call Mark Judge, the other boy in the room. The Republican Senate has greased the rails, and refuses to allow a real debate on Kavanaugh. The Fix is already in.
11
During this entire ghastly episode -- what number are we up to now in Trump & Co. Ghastly Episodes? -- the first question that pops in my mind is always, "Who are these women who pooh pooh Doctor Blasey's account?" "Who are these women who say Brett Kavanaugh is a fine man?"
And my mind says, "They are the woman who don't know what sexual assault is. For whatever reason."
14
@Rea Tarr
These women know what sexual assault is and they blame themselves. It's called identification with the oppressor.
1
1 in 3 are sexually assaulted in their lifetime. That's a lot of perpetrators. ....and a lot of nervous people because the Millennials aren't having it and have empowered Boomers to speak truth to power.
Boomers were lead to believe in equality while messages to be deferential were bombarding them; they fortunately gave their children the message of equality by their words AND their behaviour and now their children have shown them the way.
5
We would have to be crazy to think that Ford is lying. Why else would she put herself in this position. I also tend to believe that Kavanaugh probably has no memory of the events. He was just a teen-aged jerk, growing up at a time when this behavior was tolerated who now sees himself as a "decent man".
But being decent also means that when one learns that they did something horrible to another person. We shouldn't even need a hearing, because what decent men do in situations like these is basic--they apologize.
It is pathetic that Republicans think the right thing to do is fight this. There is nothing to fight. Kavanaugh should reach out to Ford to say "look, I was young and stupid. Now, I know better. I wish I could take this back or make it up somehow. And, I will accept whatever consequences befall me. More than anything, I really want you to know I am sincerely sorry". Short of that step, he deserves nothing.
For those on the left, Kavanaugh does not need to go to jail. 1980 was a different time when society was even dumber. Kavanaugh needs space that will allow him to do the right thing.
And only then should the nation let the political consequences be as they may. Either way, Kavanaugh doesn't have to be a Supreme Court Justice, but if he can't apologize we should hold him accountable. A decent person is willing to admit what they did. Let's not lose track of what it means to do the right thing.
23
JK, I was thinking along the same lines. Why not say, “I don’t remember this incident, however, I want to apologize and make things right.” Or some other recognition that he was caused a young woman pain. Young and stupid when it happened doesn’t make acts such as this ok.
I attended a Catholic Boys Christian Brothers School. I reviewed the Yearbook and there were no students comments about membership in the 100 Keg Society or "triangles." Certainly, no sense that what happened there stays there. What in the world is going on at Georgetown Prep?
19
I am a 68 year old man. When I was a teenager, when I was in college and ever since I would never, ever have behaved as Kavanaugh is accused of doing. The reason was not because I was uninterested in sex with women. The reason is that I was raised to respect everyone, definitely including girls and women. That is how decent men and boys behave.
1392
@James Gulick I concur and no one has proven that these accusers are telling the truth. Do they have the burden of proof???
@James Gulick Thank you for your beautiful response. Other "decent" men I associate with have said the same thing. Please vote.
5
@James Gulick
Thank you James for being a decent human being. Unfortunately, some men think of girls and women not as human beings, but as "things". The trauma that follows these mens' indecent actions lasts for years - sometimes a lifetime.
Kavanaugh has just denied having sex with anyone while he was a minor. This could get interesting.
5
Right, I heard Judge Kavanaugh make this statement as his wife, looking more irritated than supportive, looked on. LOL, LOL, LOL, LOL was my reaction. On the other hand it isn’t anyone’s business when Judge K had his first sexual experience.
Here’s an interesting twist on a child’s recollections:
When I was 9 or 10, my parents used to drop us off at the small theater in a small town (in the 50’s) for a matinee movie.
I’d been warned about strangers. So when a male stranger tried to touch me (apparently), I got right away from him.
Maybe I told adults in the theater. Or maybe just my parents when they picked us up.
I have a stronger memory of my parents immediately going to the local police station than whatever events occurred in the movie theater. They took a statement and wanted a description, which of course I couldn’t provide as it’s dark in movie theaters.
But the reaction of my parents surely had a powerful effect. I knew for sure they would believe me and do something! They were always extremely careful about dates when I was in high school. There was a curfew and they told it to the boy when he picked me up. (When my brother started dating, I was the “designate driver.”)
We parents bear a heavy responsibility in raising our sons. Our son learned early that we expected him to treat women with respect and that sex was something within only within a caring responsible relationship.
24
If the republicans were real men they would not insist on designing the hearing as a "he said she said." They would acknowledge that they must have time for investigation because -- if they insist on interviewing both people themselves-- what exactly does that demonstrate except intimidating one or both of them or failing to. NO real information can come from this. Collect real evidence by the FBI, the professionals at their disposal. Why don't the republicans really want to know? How can such a collection of people with no conscience all be in one place?
14
This story strikes a powerful chord with me. I too have these memories. Being groped by a neighbor when I was seven. Being cornered in the walk-in refrigerator by a cook during my first restaurant job at the age of 15. And I can still barely talk about my first experience of Rome. Let's just say I'll never go back. But then, my experience was universal. My friends have these stories to a person. And what we learned as we grew up as young women, was 'this is the way it is'. It's how the world works. Get over it. Get on with it. The 60 year old movie star romances the 30 year old starlet. And when I try to explain to my husband, a good man who has never treated a woman in any of these ways, he is baffled. As you observe, he tries to parse the experiences. To get clear on which parts are over the line. Not understanding it's ALL over the line. Uninvited. Unwanted. Belittling. Scary. Scarring. And none of it should have to be tolerated. It should not be the way it is. That is point. No more. And if Kavanaugh is confirmed that is what we will be saying to this generation of young women. To my daughters. Get over it. It's the way it is.
98
Terrific essay, brave and bold as necessary.
19
When I was in college, I really liked my advisor. C. was a smart, funny, sensitive, artistic guy. We became friends.
C. had a lot to drink one night and told me about what he called his "biggest regret." He loved motorcycles as a teenager and starting hanging around with some guys in a motorcycle gang. C. was flattered they seemed to like him.
When he was 17, the bikers invited C. to a party and he took his girlfriend with him. Everybody got very drunk and some of the bikers grabbed his girlfriend and started gang-raping her. C. was terrified they'd kill him if he tried to intervene so he ran, leaving her there.
She survived. C. saw her again but she turned away. She never spoke to him again.
He was 21 when I knew him. After he told me this story, I avoided him the rest of the time I was at college.
His story gave me nightmares.
37
Although I am sympathetic Ms Brown's point of view, I demur to her view on decency. Decent men and women can and do do indecent things. Oscar Schindler was an indecent Nazi before he saved the lives of thousands of Polish Jews and the State of Israel conferred the title "Righteous Among Nations" to Mr. Schindler and his wife. Not many god-fearing Christian Germans or Frenchmen were so decent. Are prostitutes decent women? ...It is doubtful that Mr. Kavanaugh would have been charged with a criminal offense in regard to his "indecent" behavior. No, the problem with Kavanaugh is not that he is indecent, it is that he is a liar. He is unwilling or unable to admit that his memory may be faulty, as revealed by his unwillingness to have his "case" be investigated by the FBI. He and his supporters are also unwilling to have thousands of documents relating to past judgements scrutinized. Just as with former President Richard Nixon the indecency is revealed in acts of dishonesty and cover up. So, like Brutus, he is a dishonorable man, one not not fit to serve as a Supreme Court Justice.
14
In so many ways things are worse today than in yesteryear. But in our response to female assault we are actually making posiitive stride. There's not a female I've ever met that didn't have a tale to tell. A tale that was never discussed openly much less officially reported. Because in my day...as we all know...boys will be boys..or what was she doing out so late...or why was she wearing that revealing dress, etc.
But we actually changing and for the better. I teach in a small college. Just recently a group of males approached and touched a female...within hours a campus email was sent around and a few days later the event made its way in the local newspaper. In another event, a student informed me that she was the subject of a verbal threat by a male. I took immediate action, the school took immediate action...and poof...the male was gone from classes. I was so proud of the response. No more sweeping under the rug.
Does it matter an event took place years, decades ago? Not a whit. What you are now is what you were grooming yourself to be as a teen. Kavanaugh begone as quickly of the male student in my college.
12
Great use of irony a la Mark Antony. But Trump said Kavanaugh was decent, and we all know Trump is a decent man! The evil that Republicans do, lives after them. The evil that Kavanaugh will do, will live after him. Watch out GOP, or like the plebiscite in Rome, we will rise and mutiny!
9
My grandfather liked to tell a very short story. A story I finally understand in all its understated irony. "He was a good boy. He killed his mother. He was sorry after."
10
I find it hypocritical that many American men, and the GOP in particular, behave in very much the same way with regard to attitudes toward women and how accusations of sexual and physical abuse of them is handled as it is in most Islamic majority nations, then turn around and criticize those nations as repressive - dangerous, even - to women.
The utter lack of self reflection is stunning.
40
Kavanaugh was under 18 at the time of the alleged assault, therefore not yet a man. Beyond that, haven't Bill Clinton, several Kennedy's, and even Martin Luther King also been accused of similar behavior? Why the double standard?
4
@me
No double standard. Women have decided they are not going to take it anymore. And my 19 year old son said that anyone who does what Kavanaugh is accused of doing is disqualified from serving in such an honorable positition. He's 19, much closer to Brett's 17 than I assume you are, and he knows that a decent man doesn't force himself on anyone no matter how young or how drunk. What aboutism is classic Republican defense. Women have had enough.
7
@me although a number of commenters seem pointed at one party, that is ludicrous. Definitely an equal opportunity problem.
2
The so-called decent men who cover up for abusers and automatically look to blame the woman (what she wore, that she went to a party, had a couple of drinks, etc.) are like the so-called good cops who lie to protect the criminals in their ranks. It's a systemic problem, not just a "few bad apples."
30
To all those congressmen/women and others who want to excuse the predatory behavior contained in Dr. Blasey’s allegations as alcohol fueled “boyish” immaturity -how dare you! A 17 year old boy knows that sexual assault is wrong whether he’s been drinking or not. We knew it was wrong in the 60’s when I was a teenager, and it was wrong in the 80’s when Brett Kavanaugh was a teenager.
Alcohol doesn’t commit sexual assault - people do!
104
Seventeen year olds are often tried as adults these days, depending upon the crime. Imagine instead of being Brett Kavanaugh, the young man who assaulted her was a young black man.
Here's a poser for equivocators and enablers, aka the 'boys will be boys' crowd:
What if Kavanaugh had tried to force himself on a boy, instead of a girl? Revulsion, disgust, immediate withdrawal of support from evangelists, conservatives, and macho guys everywhere, right?
My question: what's the difference? Would the same conservatives and Fox friends be explaining this behavior away if it had been a homosexual act? Certainly not. And would a boy who had been thus victimized have run right to law enforcement and reported it? No way. The shame and stigma would be overwhelming. Get it?
Sadly, some men need this analogy to understand the double-standard and violations of such acts to Ms. Ford, and any other woman who says no.
People like Trump and Kavanaugh are an insult to real men.
86
I am also disgusted by those on the right who dismiss abhorrent behavior as normal when that behavior is attributed to their (male) leaders. When Trump was caught on video bragging about grabbing women's genitals, many Republicans dismissed it as "locker room talk." During the Clarence Thomas / Anita Hill hearings, many men responded to accusations that Hill and other women were forced to listen to graphic sexual language in the workplace by saying it was "all in good fun." Fun for them, perhaps. Not for the women. Decades have gone by between the two incidents but nothing - at least nothing about the attitude of conservatives in this country - has changed.
Two GOP senators, Graham and Cornyn, have already stated they will not pay attention to evidence regarding the accusations against Kavanaugh but will vote for him anyway. They, and all those who would ignore or justify the vile behavior Kavanaugh is accused of, are disgusting.
63
@Mrsfenwick Can't the same be said about the Democrats who "will not pay attention to evidence regarding the accusations against Kavanaugh but will NOT vote for him anyway"?
every woman on the planet has these stories
37
The only time police were involved in my many similar incidents, was when I about 5 or 6. I must have told Mom, (no wait, the babysitter who collected me from the bus stop had to have done) and the only thing I remember is being asked how the teen boys had managed to take off my underpants from under my cute red and white dress. In public. The police came and sat in our apartment. And I have no idea if anything was ever done. And so many things since- boys grabbing me, lifting tops, cracking snap button shirts, harassing me in the pool, and more and more and more, but it all seemed so normal. Just what girls had to go through to grow up. I honestly didn't think it was so bad cause I was never violently raped.
I am a successful woman, who loves (most) men and women. The thought of this man being on the SCOTUS with the power to overturn Roe makes me ill. And I applaud the women coming forward to try to stop this.
49
Long ago, as a child I thought :"if the adults knew, they would help." Now that adults are confronted with realities they have denied forever, the strategy is to parse, parse, parse right into an ugly corner. I do believe a slate of prisoners could do better than this pathetic Senate power grab by men who have had the best chances in life: white, affluent, educated. No wonder elite has become a dirty word.
21
Not recognizing the damage sexual misconduct and assault has on its victims isn’t limited to the crusty old Republican men on the Judiciary Committee. My own sister first refused to believe I was sexually assaulted by a relative, and then after grudgingly acknowledging it, believes I needed to get over it, just like that. I’ve been depressed for decades as a result. The MeToo movement and the Kavanaugh hearings are unpleasant for many reasons, but even worse for people like me, who are still just trying to get over it.
60
@C.M. Lund
I am sorry to hear you had to endure this.
I don't know why you feel you need to "get over" it. We all live with baggage, and it's how we address it, deal with it, and keep it, that matters. Maybe you don't have to get over it, but more, just live with it, as I do mine. (date rape and a pregnancy that I terminated).
I don't know the stats, but I'm guessing better than 50% of all women and girls have had some horrible experience with a man.
Wishing you well, and hoping you somehow find peace and a valley of calm along the way.
6
@C.M. Lund: You might find some solace that you are far from alone in being assaulted. MeToo should be a turning point for women!
Good grief. Kids are curious about sexuality. When I was six, it was a couple girls trying to talk me into 'playing doctor.'
Women are raped, sexually intimidated, face reprisals for not submitting sexually, and live with anxiety over how sexuality is going to be used as a weapon against them. Don't trivialize that just to give yourself a spot on the "MeToo" train.
This current impulse to suggest that every single woman is a victim and every single man is a predator is demeaning to both. Not everything that happens in life is worthy of being dramatized into a life-altering trauma.
7
@Philboyd used to work as a counselor with girls, many of whom had been sexually abused. Here in Colorado, at least, an age difference of 3 years between minors is enough for the older child to have committed a crime.
What the author describes was not something between equals.
Children who were abused by other minors show the same symptoms as children abused by adults, indluding depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and other dissociative disorders, anxiety disorders and so on. I have seen this first-hand.
The author's story in no way trivializes #me too.
9
@Philboyd used to work as a counselor with girls, many of whom had been sexually abused. Here in Colorado, at least, an age difference of 3 years between minors is enough for the older child to have committed a crime.
What the author describes was not something between equals.
Children who were abused by other minors show the same symptoms as children abused by adults, including depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and other dissociative disorders, anxiety disorders and so on. I have seen this first-hand.
The author's story in no way trivializes #me too.
1
@Philboyd that may be true, but be careful trying to tell others how to feel. Women do not tell all the time because they weigh the value of their experiences against other and others' experienc es.
4
Unfortunately the touching between single digit aged children might lead to real crimes later in life, or not.
A supreme injustice would be to allowBrett Kavanaugh a seat on the Supreme Court.
4
It's very clear now that Brett Kavanaugh is an extraordinarily decent man.
4
When I was a teen I had to fend off the advances of a father who was driving me home after a night of babysitting for his two young children. His wife stayed behind at the house. I was terrified as this drunken, lecherous man lunged at me in the front seat of his car. He was a local judge. I never told anyone.
54
In 1973 Syracuse University promised its’ students college life would provide lasting memories.
They didn’t disappoint.
Even decades later, college memories remain etched deeply in my psyche. Especially if like me you were sexually assaulted. More than once.
The boys will be boys mentality was in full force in the multiple fraternity houses that lined the leafy tree lined streets of the university. These gracious stately mansions on Walnut Ave, were the breeding ground for male entitlement. Raucus, boozy keg parties were the norm. So were sexual assault and harassment. These bastions of boys clubs filled with privileged white lads, smirking and high fiving one another, followed in the Brett Kavanaugh credo - what happened at Kappa Phi Delta stayed there. But it also stayed in my mind.
This was 45 years ago and yet once again because of Bret Kavanaugh we are reminded that boys will be boys. .It is still a get out of jail free card, a free pass meant to trivialize male behavior their entire life. https://wp.me/p2qifI-4l0
698
@sallyedelstein,
Because this happened to you does not mean that Kavanaugh treated anyone that way. Dr. Ford's charges can be perfectly accurate as to her recollection, yet still be factually inaccurate. Religion is based on faith, that is, believing things that cannot be proved. If this process, which after all the denials remains essential a judicial process, is run to that standard then the United States is finished, done, over. Two wrongs don't make a right.
1
@sallyedelstein
"It is still a get out of jail free card, a free pass meant to trivialize male behavior their entire life."
Indeed it is - as long as they are white. Boys of color mimic the behavior of white ones at their peril. They will never be excused. They are held accountable for their actions to the fullest extent of the law.
I figured that out in college while attending the same type of frat house parties at a brand name men's school and watching what was going on. Luckily for me, my date was a gentleman. Other girls were not as fortunate. Somehow, I knew that the drunken displays I witnessed and the trouble they got into in town where they would be returned to the college for discipline (never handcuffed and put in jail) would never be tolerated had they been poor or non-white. It was privilege and the worse punishment was not being allowed to participate in Home Coming events. Sad, really. It taught them a lot. It taught them they would always get away with things. It taught them that they were special.
The complete rush to judgment in this and many other pieces in the NYT has me questioning what world I live in. The author of this piece expresses absolutely no doubt that Judge Kavanaugh committed these acts. What kind of a world are we living in when any accusation is assumed to be true? Are we creating a new privileged class of victims who are always presumed to be telling the truth? The #Metoo movement is going to lose it's credibility if we continue down this road.
99
@WHS
What kind of world have we been living in when any accusation is assumed to be untrue? It was the victim's fault is what women have been living with. The patriarchal society created a privileged class of perpetrators. The #MeToo movement has only just begun. Women are finally getting JUSTICE.
5
@WHS I am just going to repeat your phrase by itself: a privileged class of victims."
Since when is being a victim a privilege? What privileges do people gain by loudly proclaiming their victimhood, aside from the very fun list that follows: ostracism, violent threats, having to move their families and seek police protection, having their friends desert them, having the public sphere mock them, having their perpetrators lauded in their faces.
Some "privileges."
3
@WHS All the victims and Democrats asked for was an investigation by the FBI (who conducts back ground checks) and a delay in the vote to accomplish that. The rush to judgement is on the Republican side which will neither investigate the claim as they should with any back ground check, nor allow the time for other witnesses to come forward. Why is that?
4
The fact that Kavanaugh, the White House and Republicans are trying to portray this as “vast left wing conspiracy” is disgusting. Vote, get out the vote, and throw these misogynists out of Congress.
42
1967, I am 14 and drunk for the first time ever at a house party with other 14-year-old kids I knew. Four of them dragged me into a room and started to pull my clothes off. I punched the 17-year-old "supervisor" in the crotch (he's now a well-known self-help astrologer) and he told the boys to stop. Years later, I was telling a woman about this and blindly said, "I mean, they weren't criminals," and she said sharply, "No, they were about to become criminals." As an early and avid feminist, I am ashamed that I had to be corrected on the point of criminality.
77
Thank you for this eloquent article. it dovetails nicely with one of the lead stories today about how teens, some younger than Dr. Blasey was in her accusation, are perceiving this Kavanaugh mess.
I was struck how they all were appalled, thought a boy of 17 surely knows right from wrong, and how today's teen culture really hasn't changed that much from 3 decades--or 6 decades--ago.
So yes, the man Trump calls "fine" really can't be if he tries to chalk this up to a 36 year old allegation, or from another time and place.
Judge Kavanaugh has boasted of the rough, lewd, drunken culture of his high school years. And now he denies an episode that sounds straight out of Mark Judge's book that elevates said culture to something to be proud of?
No, these attitudes are not the hallmark of fine, or even merely "decent" behavior.
Mark my words: there will be more stories, "allegations" and stories, just as there were for Donald Trump during the campaign.
No wonder the two are attached at the hip these days. Birds of a feather, and all that.
59
Sitting in line today while listening to NPR and so many women thought that he should be forgiven! Obviously they have never had the experiences that I have had
3
Decent men don't do these things but drunken teenage boys do. Most of them grow up to become decent men.
There are many reasons to oppose Kavanaugh because he will be a disaster for women's rights and the environment, and will continue the sale of the US to corporations. But being a drunken jerk as a kid should not be reason to destroy grown men decades later.
67
@Jeremy Bounce Rumblethud
First of all, most teenage boys don't behave that way. Second, lying about it now is disqualifying for a Justice.
Third, not becoming a Supreme Court Justice isn't destroying anybody's life - hardly anyone gets that opportunity, and being a federal judge is a perfectly fine life without the promotion.
65
@Jeremy Bounce Rumblethud
“Destroy grown men?”
Tis their own deeds that destroy them!
25
@Jeremy Bounce Rumblethud
If not now then when?
1
All I can say: is right on! # metoo. These things have happened to all girls/women! It is done by men/boys who get away with it. But there are decent boys/men who don't do these things. Good men need to not cover up for the not decent ones. Men are responsible.
20
@jhurwich in Stamford CT: Your subway story reminded me on an incident when I was target. I was a pre-teen, maybe 11 or 12, and I was walking on a street in suburban Long Island. It was 1962, Kennedy was still alive. It was in many ways “The leave-it-to-beaver years” in full display.
In those days we gave directions to strangers without a second thought. I once told a guy how to get to NYC! This lovely summer afternoon, a man sitting in a van with a road map propped up against the steering wheel, said to me through his open window as I walked b, “Are you familiar with this roadmap?” As I looked in, getting ready to be his human GPS, he mentioned downward with his hand and there it was on full display—his penis in full display. I laughed nervously. Not because I found it funny, but because nervous laughter, then and now it is my first reaction to shocking or anxious situations.
I didn’t tell anyone, at least not right away. On the rare occasion when something prompts my recollection as your story did, I wonder if I was one of many women over the years since then, albeit my being a young girl at the time, to find his genitals laughable.
17
While it's not the point of the piece, the example from The Tragedy of Julius Caesar is a misinterpretation and a common one at that. Marcus Anthony's speech is very famous, but Brutus' speech, the one he's responding to is not. Antony talks of how Brutus is the greater orator; yet Antony delivers a speech in verse, while Brutus speaks in plain English. Antony deceives the Roman people, who have just moments earlier, accepted Brutus' reasoning and defense of his actions.
Brutus, after nearly three acts of deliberation, decides he will indeed kill Caesar. Caesar is his friend, but Caesar intends to become the dictator of Rome. Brutus believes in the Roman Republic and knows it will die if Caesar lives.
Brutus explains it was, "Not that I loved Caesar less, but that I loved Rome more."
He then asks the crowd, "Had you rather Caesar were living and die all slaves, than that Caesar were dead, to live
all free men?"
They see Brutus is correct. But then Marcus Antony arrives and tears open the casket to show the crowd the wounds in Caesar's flesh. He appeals to the crowds emotion and they forget Brutus's reason.
Antony makes the better speech and it brings the downfall of the republic Brutus sacrificed everything to save.
The reality of "The Tragedy of Julius Caesar" is that its actually "The Tragedy of Brutus". He is the honorable man who cannot stop the inevitable.
Brutus can stop his friend the tyrant, but he cannot save the citizens from themselves.
12
Does anyone remember the Duke Lacrosse team ?. Or Brian Banks the HS football player who was falsely accused of rape and had his life ruined. Or Colonel David Riggins who was falsely accused of rape and had his career destroyed. Or Tawana Brawley who accused several police officers of raping her. These are just a few examples of where women falsely accused men of sexual assault and where found out to be false. I'm not saying that Professor Ford is lying. But the overwhelming feeling I get is that because she is a women she must be telling the truth and Judge Kavanaugh because he is a man is obviously lying. There is also the possibility that maybe both are telling the truth . That human memory being fallible could have given one or the other different memories.
9
@prpgk1
The Supreme Court is not a Lacrosse team or a football team. A supreme court justice nomination must be held to a higher standard. It is true that we do not know if these allegations are true or not, but the American people deserve a thorough investigation.
The career or reputation of one man is not the issue here. At stake is the credibility of the supreme court and the very basis of our democratic system. Why won't Grassley conduct a proper investigation? Why the rush to a vote? Could it be that installing a rank partisan on the Supreme Court trumps protecting our democratic institutions?
36
False reports of sexual assault are made 2-10% of the time, about the same as other felonies. We also know 1 out of 4 women admit to being sexually abused— that’s 25% of all women. With the climate that includes assault of Olympic athletes, college athletes, Catholic boys, victims of Harvey Weinstein, yes, it’s reasonable and responsible to believe Dr. Ford’s story.
9
@prpgk1
Yes, it happens. But, stop and think of all the women who were not believe, who were falsely accused of lying. Millions is not too high of a number if you think in terms of a lifetime. You came up with 4 examples. What do you think the ratio is of women who told the truth and were not believe to women who lied? What is the ratio of men who lied to men falsely accused?
11
Having men expose themselves to me when I was in my early teens was an all too common occurrence. I told my parents the first time (I was about 12) and we filed a police report. After that, I didn’t bother. I remember each incident vividly.
24
I have a lifetime of experiences: toddler: a man exposing his genitals to me; 6th grade: two boys chasing me and feel me up; junior high: a boy lifts my skirt while another lifts my body whilst pinning my arms, parades me during recess in upperclass halls; coercion into sexual acts that i said no over and over to, but finally relented; lifetime: being called a whore, b*tch, or c*nt when i ignore someone exposing themselves to me in the street; college: brown out in frat house and waking up naked, then climbing out a window to find my tampon had been ripped out (hazy memories of many men being in room); rape by "good guy" from same frat that I was tutoring; waking up after one drink to someone on top of me (too many times to count)... do you sense a pattern here? ALL OF MY FRIENDS have had these same experiences. I am also the product of date rape. He's a "nice guy" too apparently.
37
Accusations and true events are not the same. Evidence should guide the conclusions, not emotions. Right now a woman can say anything and somehow it is the truth. All people should be treated equally, not preferentially. Provide the evidence first.
75
@DL Such a classic anti-woman statement. Right now a man can say anything about an episode involving a priest 30 years ago and it is most definitely taken as the truth. The only evidence I've ever heard being provided is the man's recollections of events. Explain the difference to me, please. And I'm waiting and waiting for women to be treated as preferentially as men have been throughout my long 64-year lifetime.
246
The laws of evidence for criminal and civil charges are different, as are those for getting a job. I agree with Brett Kavanaugh that a rejection from the appointment by uninvestigated claims will make it harder in the future for many good people to want or qualify for public office. This is why he should be calling for an investigation himself and why it is so troubling that he has not.
22
@DL. So why won't the Republicans allow any evidence whatsoever to be presented?
10
It should not be a surprising that the republicans in congress are rallying around Kavanaugh. Trump got elected partly because he boasted about grabbing women and forcing himself on them. It should not be surprising that republicans are crying foul when democrats are trying to stall the lifetime appointment of a man who clearly has been less than forthcoming in the nomination process. Their president has made a mockery of truth and justice in his administration and the country at large. It is about time that women (and some men who support them) have finally risen up and spoken out about abuse that has been going on for centuries and I hope with all my heart that my daughter will be able to live her life in peace because of the #MeToo movement. It should not be surprising however, that in the current political climate, Kavanaugh will probably be confirmed and will take the bench on the highest court in the land. He will sit down the line from Justice Thomas and the two of them will ogle any woman who comes before the court for years to come.
35
Here's the issue; "decent" thru whose eyes? By what measure? Who decides how far to take the measurements, and who read the results?
Repubs, claim all these wholly for themselves.. They've been doing this for some time now, claiming the role of moral/ethical arbiters. While Dems have let them get away with it. Seemingly incapable of calling them out on their lies.
Ive known many a "decent" man who suddenly is not. Be it the exposure of an unsavory past deed, or by a recent fall from their pedestal. And then upon deeper analysis, with the lens wiped clear by the events/incidents - that decency strains at the seams and often, in my experience, bursts wide open.
Decency is a thing others label others with, based on expectations of behaviors, and in this case of a judge - heightened expectations of a too often, too highly elevated profession. A profession that is ridiculously said to be populated by nothing but the creme of decency. That decency is the mitochondria of their very profession. Hogwash!
I dont trust the term "decency" when so much political games playing is going on. For any current sitting Repub to claim they know decency when they see it, tells me they do not. As they are a wholly indecent club. For any Repub (esp. McConnell) to call out the Dems for playing political games with this appointment - post the Garland game they played - tells me they wouldn't know decency if it slithered up a pants leg.
Decent men/boys who make mistakes, admit them. Period.
20
@Boregard Is there any chance he is innocent? Is a mere accusation the same as proof of bad conduct?
2
@WHS
If you noticed, which you did not, I made no call on The Kav. I was discussing the generality of others deeming others decent, which is not something that can be hard measured. We know decent men and women can be shown not to be, with simple examples, much less then these accusations, in fact. The term doesnt hold much weight to me...not when a Hatch, or of all people McConnell utters it.
I dont trust the Repubs, not this crew, to know much about evaluating decency in others. Their behavior towards Trump, convinces me of their lack of a functioning decency radar.
Re; The Kav. He's already lied under oath. Why not now? I also expect, with no proof, that he made promises behind closed doors to various Repub Senators as to how he will vote. But even without such proof, I expect him to fall in line with the other Cons justices, and fulfill Trumps promises. I expect him to be as partisan as the day is long.
When I was 28, well-educated and known to have a level head. I married one of the same. Respectable, solid society family ( yuck) and came home one night to find my beloved sitting in bed with a gun. He had worked as an investigator for the DA’s office before law school.
I was very pregnant.
His father had died suddenly at age 61 of a massive heart attack and my husband wouldn’t seek professional help.
Then he made a comment about the numbers on his new alarm clock being red.
He filed for a divorce the following week and although devastated, in retrospect, I am lucky to be alive. His daughter was born a few weeks later and although I had done “ all of the right things “, I was a single mother.
I haven’t trusted men since. He was decent, kind loving and then he wasn’t
1
No, decent men don't do these things.
And it's imperative we teach our sons not to do these things.
And we need to teach our daughters they don't have to tolerate these things. Because we have to listen to them, and believe them, and not use the few who do lie to discredit the vast, vast majority who are telling the terrible truth.
I guess about a year ago I watched a movie I remembered from the late '60's as very funny: John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara in "McClintock". I was HORRIFIED! WHAT had I EVER found funny??? Spanking a full grown woman with a coal shovel?? That the premise of the movie was that she, and her daughter DESERVED it?
I was totally ashamed I ever found this piece of filth funny, but relieved that I've grown enough to recognize it. And, yes, it's filth, even with such icons, and I wouldn't let my minor son see it.
It made me wonder: Just how much of our entertainment in film, TV and media convey these very misogynist acts as "normal", "admirable" and even "funny"? It's not just Harpo Marx chasing blondes (and never catching them)!
15
You're joking, right? Little kids playing doctor is now sexual assalt? And it affected your life so dramatically that you forgot about it? And from your article, it means that those little boys under ten years old are sexual preditors who now can't be decent men? You are really stretching things in order to call yourself a "victim".
Decent men do not behave this way? How in the world would you know and who elected you to say who the decent men are in the first place?
6
@Full Name I thought little kids playing doctor was mutually consensual, not two older boys forcing themselves on a younger girl.
4
Sounds like someone who played doctor.
I agree that decent men don't do this, but the fact is that aggression, coercion, etc. are normal. In the sense that it happens all. the. time. For that reason, I *might* have been willing to hear Brett Kavanaugh out if he said, "Look, I am a product of the same confusing culture that encourages women to stay silent or protect others' feelings and men to be sexually aggressive. I struggled with these things. I wronged people. I drank too much. I was 18." I truly believe that this #metoo moment needs to address all the ways in which our culture has failed men and boys, and left them sexually confused and unsure of where lines are drawn or what constitutes normal behavior, too.
Had Kavanaugh said these things, I would have an entirely different view of him. But he's lying. Decent men don't lie, either.
121
@JKR Brilliant.
4
@JKR Beautifully stated!
2
@JKR How do you know he is lying about these allegations? On what rational basis can you conclude this?
3
"The good is oft inteered with their bones." Brett Kavanaugh has probably done more good than evil but that is no test of his fitness for elevation to the Supreme Court. I do not come to praise Caesar. I come to bury him.
7
Does anyone understand that an accusation is not proof of another person's behavior? A result of #MeToo ts that now the mere of accusation sexual assault by a male is verified fact.
4
@a href: #MeToo wouldn't be necessary if sexual assault weren't so common and pervasive AND if our legal system took it seriously. Until then, expect #MeToo to be the new normal. Women will tell their stories in whatever means they deem necessary whether men like it or not.
6
@a href
If the shoe is on the other foot, it’s about time!
3
@a href
and if your daughter came to you with a similar horror to tell, it would be helpful if you believe her. She deserves that.
10
I would remind those who think Kavanaugh is decent or innocent that they might want to look at the salacious questions he wanted a sitting President to answer. How anyone could ask them (even of a ordinary citizen) and become a judge is beyond me, though maybe Kavanaugh likes to hear people describe sex acts in explicit detail. I seem to recall Justice Thomas liked to discuss the sex acts he saw on porn sites with his female employees, so Kavanaugh at least will have company.
And Republicans say they have family values?
290
@C.M. Lund, it’s not just republicans. Catholics are supposed to uphold family values but when kids know and see the priests abusing children they too think it’s fair game cuz the priest did it.
1
KAv- just admit you were an arrogant out of line creep who drank too much in high school and college, and probably in grad school. Apologize to your families, the women you humiliated , and that you're embarrassed and shamed, and that you hope your adolescent mistakes ( and your gambling debts) won't harm your or the women's futures.
Then, WITHDRAW. Your poor daughters.
155
@zula Z
Yes, how soon will it be that his daughters will find their friends are no longer allowed to visit their home?
I wouldn’t let my daughter visit.
12
@zula Z I cannot help but wonder what Mrs. Kavanaugh and the two daughters are thinking as this goes on. I also wonder whether they're hiding their own #MeToo stories.
8
@zula Z How on earth can you rationally conclude he is the man you are describing? What evidence do you have?
For those of you who assert that the venality and perfidy of cases like this lie entirely on the Republican side, I would direct your attention to the comparative news blackout surrounding the far more credible allegations against Keith Ellison.
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/08/13/us/politics/keith-ellison-abuse-karen...
1
@Ralph, as well as Democratic Congressional candidate Gil Cisneros, running in a California district that is important for Democratic Party hopes to flip the House. Credible sexual harassment allegations from a woman who is a fellow Democrat have come forward against Mr. Cisneros and yet where are the similar cries from Democrats and the opinion pages calling for him to step down?
Now, that said, in fact, I believe whether it is the allegations of misconduct against actress Asia Argento; or NYU Gender Studies/Philosophy Professor Avital Ronell; or Democrats Gil Cisneros and Keith Ellison; or Republicans like Brett Kavanaugh and others; whether you are a man or woman, whether you are Republican or Democrat, you are entitled to due process rights and the requirement that allegations of misconduct should be proven.
And there is legitimate discussion about what standard of proof should apply. Probably the standard of proof should be based on what is being alleged. So if someone is alleging a crime and using the media to try the case (even if not bringing criminal charges), they ought to still prove it based on the criminal standard of "beyond a reasonable doubt." If they are alleging a civil violation like breach of contract and, again, using the media to try the case (and not bringing action in civil court), they should prove it by "preponderance of the evidence."
1
As long as when men get drunk, we are supposed to write their actions off as"he didn't mean it" and "boys will be boys", and when women get drunk it is "she deserved what she got" and "what a slut", we are going to have this problem.
Myself, I find Kavanaugh's own admissions and statements about drinking till he blacked out, or not remembering the night before, to be far more damning than anything Ms Ford or Ms. Ramirez might say.
And I suspect we are only seeing the tip of the iceberg.
113
I never knew of a guy with a “ reputation “ but I did know guys with pig lists who would go on pig runs
It's incredibly disheartening to me as a female attorney, and a survivor of multiple sexual assaults, to see what is going on right now. I have always looked up to the Supreme Court and some of my biggest inspirations in life are Supreme Court Justices. At the same time, I largely became an attorney because of experiences working to end violence against women and my desire to protect survivors.
What is going on right now is everything I have tried to fight against; we have a panel of men on the Senate Judiciary Committee, six of whom voted against the Reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act in 2013, essentially stating that these women who have risked everything to come forward with these allegations, are lying or they are "mixed up". I shudder to think what message these statements are sending to survivors of violence across the United States. I similarly worry about its effect on young men who are given the message that treating women this way is somehow acceptable. There is the added layer that Clarence Thomas is already on the Supreme Court after Anita Hill's allegations. Should Kavanaugh be confirmed, there will be *two men* on the Court who are accused of violence against women and are likely to overturn Roe v. Wade (again controlling women's bodies).
Trump already has 19 allegations of sexual assault against him. Is it too much to ask that women not have to live in a country where alleged rapists rule over them?
163
This is an outrageous piece.
This woman has no real evidence that this guy did anything,
No real evidence.
No corroboration.
44
@dick west
Well, for that that matter there is no "real" evidence that he didn't. PS. What is "real" evidence?
11
@dick west Testimony is 'real evidence.' If Republicans wanted to know the truth, they wouldn't resist calls for an FBI investigation.
539
@dick west
It is nearly impossible to gather the evidence and corroboration when the White House and the Republican majority of the Senate Judiciary Committee refuse to allow an FBI investigation into the allegations. Dr. Ford wants an investigation. The Republicans do not. You have to ask yourself, why don't they?
747
Kavanaugh was happy to publicly humiliate Monica Lewinski by suggesting obscene questions to be asked President Clinton.
1188
@Atlaw
Ummm. With Clinton, there was DNA evidence. Remember the blue dress? There's nothing but an allegation here and a flimsy one at that. I would note, though, that the Democrats were more than happy to smear, denigrate and attempt to humiliate all of the women who were victimized by Bill Clinton's sexual misconduct. (Poor Paula Jones) Unlike this accuser, all of Clinton's victims had more than ample corroborating evidence. The Dems hypocrisy on this issue seems to know no bounds.
3
@Atlaw, and the lawyer for Dr. Ford, Debra Katz, who defended Bill Clinton versus Paula Jones sexual harassment suit, was happy to publicly humiliate and marginalize Paula Jones. Here's what Katz had to say when Jones alleged Clinton, without her consent, put his hand on her leg, slid it toward her pelvic area, tried to kiss her, and then dropped his pants and exposed himself & asked her to kiss his exposed self:
"Paula Jones' suit is very, very, very weak. She's alleged one incident that took place in a hotel room that, by her own testimony, lasted 10 to 12 minutes."
"[This was] clearly a one-time incident that took place in 10 to 12 minutes, she was not forced to have sex, she left on her own volition"
"If a woman came to me with a similar fact pattern, I would probably tell her that I'm sorry, it's unfair, but you don't have a case."
It seems there may be a long history between Debra Katz, on behalf of Clinton; and Brett Kavanaugh, on behalf of GOP.
And slightly strange to me Dr. Ford chose Katz as her attorney instead of an independent, nonpartisan attorney. Why would she select a lawyer known for defending powerful men and marginalizing accusers?
I still tend to believe Dr. Ford but it is a strange history with lots of overlap and coincidences.
4
@Atlaw. that's EXACTLY RIGHT.
Do we believe this (about Kavanaugh) because we want to believe this, or because we know for sure it is true? This nation is built on innocent until proven, not guilty just because it fits the narrative.
6
@Lawrence The criminal justice system is built on innocent until proven guilty, but nothing else is. In fact, invoking the fifth in a civil trial is to be interpreted exactly the opposite of how it is in a criminal trial. Ergo, if Kavanaugh refuses to answer direct questions, one can infer the worst.
20
@Lawrence
In a criminal trial the threshold for guilt is 'beyond a reasonable doubt'.
This isn't a criminal trial, to determine guilt or possible prison time for Kavanaugh, this is a confirmation hearing to determine Kavanaugh's fitness to serve on the highest court in the land. Almost like a job interview - for a job that you can't be fired from.
Innocent until proven guilty doesn't apply here, any more than it would apply to you're not being hired at a job because you have an arrest record. Regardless of whether you were guilty or innocent of what you were arrested for.
31
@Lawrence Putting aside the issue of what actually happens in practice for certain demographics, our criminal justice system is built on the principle of “innocent until proven guilty.” The Senate Judiciary Committee hearings are not a court of law presided over by an judge and impartial jury but rather by elected members who have a constitutional duty to advise the president on his candidate(s) for the high courts. No such standard applies. In fact, candidates are generally subject to FBI investigations which, the White House claims was done with Kavanaugh, but obviously not thoroughly done here, given multiple recent allegations and corroborating statements from people who know both the candidate and his accusers.
20
Well said. Even *if* Judge Kavanaugh's accusers are mistaken or lying, there is still the question of his basic decency towards women.
When his friend Mark Judge was drunk and behaved in aggressive ways towards girls *as Judge himself has recounted in his book,* did Brett Kavanaugh upbraid him? Or did he encourage him or even join in his exploits?
When the brothers in Kavanaugh's notorious DKE fraternity treated female students as conquests or worse, is it believable that Brett Kavanaugh went against his peers and stood up for women? Is it really plausible that he chose to join the frat and then spent his Yale years trying to rein in his friends?
Not likely––just watch the video of public events where Kavanaugh himself makes jokes about his wild behavior in school and law school.
Those are not the jokes of someone who spoiled the fun of other drunken, aggressive young men like Judge. And they are not the jokes of someone who has had an awakening in middle age about such behavior inevitably insults or harms women, in ways big and small.
243
@Nancy B Check out the Fox News interview when they asked Kavanaugh's wife a question and HE answered while she looked really uncomfortable and looked at him rather than answer. Why would she do that? I have my own ideas, and they aren't good. But I could be wrong.
Kavanaugh is not on trial, and is not entitled to criminal standards of evidence. He is being interviewed about a job in nation's highest court.
If Senators had used their judgment about his character, his nomination would have been ditched by now. He committed perjury during hearings for a previous appointment but was not called to account. Decent men don't do that, nor so they give a pass to a man who does.
Kavanaugh does not across as a decent man. If he were truly innocent, he would tell the judiciary committee: "take your time, give the FBI enough time to fully investigate, and the accusations will be proven baseless". But no, he had to spend hours in the WH being coached on how to talk to the Senators - not the action of a decent man, especially since his coach was none other than Bil Shine, who was deep in the sexual harassment culture at Fox before he was fired.
He's the last person who should rule on the intersection of law and morality - not only on the Supreme Court, but even in his current position.
Finally: as a regular communicant, I don't want to impugn the Catholic Church in en masse. But it's interesting that the Catholic Georgetown Prep shared a predatory culture with much of the Church itself. After all these years, guilty priests are being called to account. What makes Kavanaugh so special that he's entitled to escape to a decades-long sanctuary on the Supreme Court? He should thank his stars if he can keep his present job.
338
@mancuroc
Were I able, I’d have made this an Editorial Pick!
14
The reasons for Kavanaugh’s nomination and the reasons that it should be his downfall are all connected to how men can improperly use sex to diminish women.
Kavanaugh is expected to vote to overturn Roe v. Wade. Women will no longer controll their own bodies.
Kavanaugh is expected to vote against indicting a sitting President if the Stormy Daniels case proceeds.
Kavanaugh is denying he assaulted a 15 year old when he was 17, long past the point when he should have learned right from wrong.
The Trump-GOP line that it happened long ago and that Kavanaugh shouldn’t be held accountable sends a clear but separate message to teenagers right now.
Boys will be boys, so no worries mate, still applies.
Girls, don’t be victims. Assault is a crime. Push back harder, take names, report assaults now. No one will believe you if you wait. 30 years will be too late.
There’s another message in this
opaque nomination inquiry farce.
If someone tells you that reporting an assault can ruin that boy’s chances for getting into university,
or for a career, claim to be a patriot.
Ruin his chances before he gets nominated to the Supreme Court.
5
Unfortunately this is true . . . and not true.
"Decent" men and boys have gotten away with these things for millennia. Unless . . . they are black men and boys in America.
Then, then may be hung or shot with impunity for having the audacity to look the wrong way at a white woman.
164
I have my doubts about any fairness coming out of this cabinet voting. The republican committe and president have already made their decision. They openly express how little they practice democracy. I hope in November the American people will express their opinon too on election day by sending most of them into retirement.
69
Your story about a man exposing himself to you reminds me of an incident that happened several decades ago on the New York City subway. I was taking a train far uptown, and there were very few other people in the car. I suddenly realized that the man seated across from me was exposing his genitals and masturbating, I didn't say anything--I would have been scared to approach him to ask him to stop doing it- and he eventually got off at the stop for a well-known university.
When the #MeToo movement bagan, I mentioned the incident to my husband, a lawyer. His response: "So what? he wasn't targeting you personally." Being targeted just because you are a woman apparently doesn't count.
143
@jhurwich
I think your husband is wrong on who was being ‘targeted’.
4
Wow, I am so sorry your husband had that response and I hope you educated him! do you have children? How would that have factored into his response?
8
@jhurwich. I've had that happen to me on the train too. It was incredibly disturbing, and I was afraid too. I am still disturbed by it and still feel violated when I think about it, even though it happened a few years ago. No one can understand these things unless they've happened to them; and men can't understand them unless they've felt that fear, disgust and self-loathing.
1
This type of behavior is all too prevalent in the corporate world, regardless of all of the efforts of human resources to stymie it. I've worked for several companies that turned a blind eye to male colleagues sexist behavior. When an influential customer decided to physically degrade me with sexist comments in a room full of my male colleagues - not a one stopped him. It wasn't until the meeting was over - 90 minutes later - that my manager rushed to me to apologize. When I asked why he let it go on, he said that he felt frozen. EXACTLY.
107
"Who, when a woman says to stop during sex, instead hears “go?” What kind of person uses a fire extinguisher to silence another human being? Why would a man, on a cold winter’s night, display his penis to a tired nurse just wanting to get home?"
A man who is excited by the use of what he perceives as his "power". It's always about power. And that tells me that I do not want Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court having power over me and my body. His Trumpian "not backing down" makes me think there is something there he does not want to come to light in any way.
217
Yes, does the standard of decency change with the age of the male? It's okay for him to expose himself to, or force himself on, a woman when he's a drunk teen but, when he becomes 37 years old, sober, and puts on a shirt and tie, he suddenly becomes a decent person??? Would he okay this behavior if it happened to his young daughter? Would it be okay if a poor, Black teen behaved like this? (As opposed to a white prep school student?) Boys will be boys and people make mistakes when they are young, but decent behavior is either decent or it isn't. No excuses are needed if one behaves decently.
51
As one who shares unforgettable memories of both my own mistakes and the abuses of others (to me and to others)
it seems that the injured remember and at least when politicians are out to get whatever they want at whatever the cost, abusers just can't recall.
As an inexperienced person deposing someone under oath, I asked a question that surprised the deponent, and that caused a very long pause. Finally the deponent's very experienced attorney said, "If you don't recall, just say you don't recall."
And so the answer came. "I don't recall."
If there is no honor, no decency for those in power, how can a humane public bring back fairness, honor, decency?
TIME'S UP.
Doug Giebel, Big Sandy, Montana
11
I was forced down on a bed but managed to fight him off. I had a man expose himself directly in my face, I was groped under my skirt on the subway. All of these things happened to me over 40 years ago, but I remember every detail as if it happened yesterday. I did not report this to anyone except to close friends. It never occurred to me that I should because these attacks weren't actually rape. I'm not sure I would have even reported rape because of the way victims were treated at that time. I hope young women today will never feel that way.
101
I honestly don't know any women over the age of 30 who do not have one or more stories such as Ms. Brown's.
All these "decent" men leaving scars on so many women - I wonder how many even remember their behavior, as everyday as it is.
The man who grabbed my breast as he jogged by me 35 years ago most likely doesn't remember, but I do. The boss who fired me 40 years ago because I wouldn't sleep with him probably doesn't think about it, but I do.
These men may even think of themselves as decent but they're not.
236
“Decent men don’t do these things.”
And decent men don’t brand them “smears” when women report they’ve been subjected to such things.
99
@TheraP
So what does a decent man do if someone tells a lie about him?
We live in a deeply misogynist culture that despises and punishes women every day of our lives - institutionally, socially, physically, mentally, financially, maritally, professionally.
There is no time or place in our lives where we are wholly embraced and fully valued.
In the scale of history, we are a flash of a moment from chattel. And we are headed back there again.
White men are purposefully erasing rape and sexual assault as crime - decodifying the violence against our bodies.
Don't imagine for a minute that Kavanaugh will not be installed. The GOP has spent decades trying to re-establish its total and complete control over women's lives. They will do anything to achieve their goal, including rape and murder.
69
@Tee
You are absolutely right.
4
Aren't his supporters making this very same point? He's a decent man and therefore they don't believe he did what he's accused of? (Not, he did this but forgive him because he's a decent man.) The writer is starting from a point of believing the accusers; his supporters are starting from the point of disbelieving them.
6
@Jeezlouise his supporters are saying that they never saw him do what he is accused of and therefore do not think he did it. That does not mean that he didn't do it when they were not there.
His accusers are saying: He did this to me. I will believe someone who there, not people who were not.
Ms. Brown, you are misinterpreting the actions of the many women who are testifying about Kavanaugh's decency. They don't claim that it excuses his alleged misconduct. Since they can't disprove the allegations (any more than she can prove them) they are doing the next best thing: defending his character. Please try to be fair. You are a hospice nurse. Suppose someone accused you of secretly abusing a now-deceased patient. Wouldn't you want your colleagues to defend you by citing your many years of dedicated, caring service? Would that be irrelevant or wrong?
5
@Stefan Michalowski
It is a bit strange that the Republics had a letter waiting with some 65 signatories within hours of the first mention of these accusations. It’s also a bit odd that most of the signatories have not been located or denied they had any knowledge of these incidents.
26
Good point, but then I insist we also ask Kavanaugh what added-value there was in asking a sitting President to describe sex acts with a consenting adult in salacious detail, repeatedly. Or that we have a more fulsome discussion of his phenomenal gambling debts. 0r the fact that he lied under oath in 2006 about using stolen documents or being involved in the failed Pickering nomination. Talking about character must include more than recommendations solicited by his handlers, something he’s refused to do. To me, even putting aside his extremist views and activist judicial decisions, he’s not showing us that he has unimpeachable integrity. Bring on someone else from that Federalist list his name was pulled from— maybe they can select a nominee from the first list of names instead of the third.
2
#metoo
Molested by a relative as a small child.
Sexually assaulted by a schoolmate as a teenager.
Trump and the cowardly GOP have no clue what women and girls have been through or the fury they are unleashing by stating they don't believe us and indicating our experience doesn't matter to them.
Our very lives don't matter to Trump and GOP.
180 Democratic women are running as candidates for the House of Representatives. Let's send the GOP an unmistakable message in November.
I want us to elect ALL OF THE 180 DEMOCRATIC WOMEN RUNNING FOR THE HOUSE IN NOVEMBER.
Trump and GOP don't own us.
Vote and take back our lives.
204
And don't forget the women running for the state houses and senates.
@fast/furious I am very sorry that these things happened to you. However, Trump and the GOP have only been in power since the last election...all these terrible things happened before that...I assume. Did the Democrats believe and understand women better?
It is definitely not normal for men to do this and the overwhelming majority would not only never do it, it would never even enter our minds.
Kavanaugh is clearly a sick pup. He's lied under oath, allegedly sexually assaulted women, has a drinking problem and almost certainly a gambling problem as well.
Still, he is entitled to one of the 9 Supreme Court seats according to the Republicans. Let's show them what we think of that come November.
140
The dems have gone crazy. DECENT PEOPLE don't try to destroy a man's life through hazy accusations from high school, and also use delaying tactics and other shenanigans. Shame!
4
@Shamu
Unjustly accused people let that slide off their back.
Terribly abused people have an absolute right to come forward.
Let victims speak their truths.
10
@Shamu. When a respected college professor risks her life to make an allegation of sexual assault, decent people conduct an investigation of any and all witnesses. They don’t make statements to the press that they will vote for confirmation no matter what she says.
10
@TheraP
I'm sorry but if someone unjustly accused you of something heinous you'd not just let it slide off your back, especially before a big promotion. And why should you let it slide off your back. That makes no sense.
Years ago my wife and I drove to Detroit to the customs. We were picking up a large package we had sent from Germany to our new address in Illinois. My wife stayed in the car while I went to see the customs officials. It was dark. When I came back and got into the car my wife said a man had stood in front of our parked car, had opened up his overcoat and exposed his genitals to her. I said: Are you sure? Did he do anything else? She affirmed she was sure. He did not do anything else but apparently disappeared in the night. I believe I remember there were lamps illuminating the parking area. I have no reason to doubt this story My wife has never before seen anything like this. Nor experienced rape. Jesting molestation by fellow male students at the university. Sexist comments. Again and again.
12
In the GOP World, and mind, “ decent “ men are those that weren’t caught. That’s all that matters, to them. PROVE IT.
Funny how sexual assault is the only major category of Crimes in which the VICTIM must first prove a crime actually occurred. Then, just maybe, after an investigation, unending questioning, exams, etc.. the perpetrator may be charged. Then, another round of investigation, while the DA decides to prosecute, or NOT. And then possibly a Trial. Just another day a the beach, right ??? Oh, NO. A nightmare of character assault and every shade of victim blaming. And some people wonder why MOST victims do NOT report Rape. Abuse women WILL be blamed, no matter what happened. It’s always HER fault, because of something she did. Or something she did not do. It doesn’t matter. Please VOTE in November. Vote for Democrats. We can, and must, change the status quo. NOW.
59
Women and sex are not unlike mental illness and the stigma it holds for women
And the evil that a man has done will, if confirmed, live on his his judgments.
18
Over and over again women feel compelled to remember and offer public testimony about the sexual assaults and harassment that we have endured in order to try to convince society in general, and the men that hold power in particular, that the experience of assault and harassment is fairly ubiquitous among women, and that remembering particular details and not others is common to such experience. Over.and.over.again.
I am tired of having to do this. I am tired of the memories that spring to mind, unbidden, every time a man in power is publicly accused of having assaulted and harassed. The experience wounds me. Isn't it time to accept that these experiences are common, and that perpetrating sexual assault and harassment is both evil and wrong? If not now, when?
46
I have these stories too. Too many of them. Once, I even called the police. I told my story and, after a weakly suppressed eye roll, was asked "well, what do you want us to do about it?" Us? If "us" is men, there is a whole lot I'd like you to do about it. Listening would be a good start.
169
"The good is oft interred with their bones." Brett Kavanaugh has probably done more good than evil but that is no test of his fitness for elevation to the Supreme Court. I do not come to praise Caesar. I come to bury him.
4
Women of all ages should take heed
Yes, no woman or man should be disrespected or treated in a threatening manner
That goes for women too
Some times women are the aggressor just like a man
Just that they don’t use physical violence in the same manner
Yet it can be as cruel and damaging and include sexual violence or aggression
7
Thank you, Theresa Brown, for such a straightforward account. It saddens me that you have to take the time to point out that decent men (and boys) don't behave this way.
20
There is much that we do while young, while drunk, while under the thumb of the crowd or peers - yes, I among others - but accosting or abusing a girl or woman is a line not even approached, let alone crossed. I am convinced that the memory of the abused is deeply embedded and accurate, and that the memory of the abuser, to whom the antics were just another night of fun - "what happens at Georgetown Prep stays at Georgetown Prep" - ...well, not so much.
93
Nobody wants to trivialize the pain and anguish victims of sexual assault or inappropriate physical contact have experienced one iota. But we have to put things into context. Life is full of traumas of every kind that have deep and lasting psychological impacts on children and can linger long into adulthood.
Divorce, bullying, economic privation, emotional neglect, and physical abuse without any sexual component are just as common as sexual assault and inappropriate touching. Soldiers coming back from war suffering from P.T.S.D have symptoms of emotional and psychological trauma nearly identical to sexual assault victims.
Human trauma is a multifaceted phenomenon and its appearance and effects are actually far more common than, so-called, normal well-adjusted humans. The social economic conditions of the household, educational attainment, and emotional development of the parents have a great deal to do with the development of well-adjusted children.
In 1940 only about 5% of the populations of Americans had a Bachelor Degree. In 2018 over 33% So the future looks bright as many more parents begin to raise children from a position of strength educationally and emotionally. Trauma has been a part of the human conditions for as long as there have been humans. Humanity is a work in progress and we need to take our collective history into context when we discuss human trauma.
5
@Smoke'em If U Got'em. So are you saying that suck it up because, hey, trauma happens? Sexual assault, misconduct, etc. is not restricted to those w/o college degrees - witness, allegedly, Brett Kavanaugh. In fact, entitlement breeds bad behavior and worse. Back to the point, why should one more person have to live with this type of trauma? What kind of context is necessary here? What if it were your child?
22
@Smoke'em If U Got'em
Seems like you’re trying to minimize the trauma people feel, whether it’s unwanted touching or outright rape.
You have no right to tell traumatized people to “just put things in context” - no right.
12
@Smoke'em If U Got'em
How much of the other trauma you mention is rooted in the victim’s gender? All that trauma PLUS sexism PLUS sexual assault is what women are born into. Don’t diminish women’s very particular, gendered, millenia-old, codified, indelible experiences of sexual harassment, assault, and rape. Women close to you are victims. We don’t forget.
8
Decent men also don't behave the way the Republicans on the Senate judiciary committee - in fact the vast majority of GOP Congressmen - have been comporting themselves.
1029
@Tom Benghauser
That's a bridge too far. The are indecent in a sense, but politics ain't bean bags and they are politicians. You have to give a little no that one.
@Tom Benghauser That's why it is called "The Swamp" but it is everyone there, Dem and Rep., they are all complicit in the mess we are in.
@Tom Benghauser
Well stated, and sadly, so true. How many of those men have also committed sexual assaults?!
What's sad and upsetting to me about the allegations of sexual assault against Brett Kavanaugh as a woman, a feminist, and a refugee to this country is that the male Republican members of the Judiciary Committee and the Senate, with few exceptions, don't give a fig for whether Brett Kavanaugh is a sexual predator. Their sole concern is to place Brett Kavanaugh on the U.S. Supreme Court asap so it will have a conservative majority. Whatever qualities they once had that made them human beings with empathy for others is long gone, if it ever existed.
1326
@Sonia Pressman Fuentes As if the Heritage Foundation doesn't have an infinite list of conservative judges.
2
@Sonia Pressman Fuentes, exactly. Several of them have already stated that they don't believe Dr. Blasey, and I can just see the eye-rolls now about Deborah Ramirez's allegation against Kavanaugh. And now Michael Avenatti has come out and said that he represents a third "victim" of Brett Kavanaugh, along with several "witnesses," presumably witnesses to some of Judge Kavanaugh's conduct in question. But Mitch McConnell is openly recorded telling a conservative audience that it's a done deal that Kavanaugh WILL be confirmed. So what the heck is the point of even HAVING a hearing? Simply so that they can humiliate and attempt to shame Dr. Blasey and villify her for the record? Hasn't her family already been threatened, hasn't she also received enough death threats, haven't the family been driven by fear out of their own home, and Dr. Blasey's career threatened by the "old boys' network" at the college where she works? Why hasn't Kavanaugh demanded a follow-up FBI investigation into his background to CONFIRM the innocence, the absolute innocence he is claiming? Why haven't the Republicans on the Senate Judiciary Committee demanded this in the name of fairness to Dr. Blasey AND Judge Kavanaugh? And what's with denying the Democrats the right to subpoena other witnesses? The fix is in. It's obvious. It's even obvious to Republican backers, although they twist themselves into pretzels trying to deny it.
@Sonia Pressman Fuentes It's a question of moral ethics not just empathy.
I keep thinking of the men I know, not really my relatives, but colleagues and neighbors and friends. I can imagine them getting drunk in high school and college, even to the point of blacking out. I cannot imagine that drunkenness changing their personality so much they would do the things Kavanaugh is accused of doing.
But if any man I know were in Kavanaugh's position, accused of these acts, his first reaction would be stunned disbelief and horror that he might have done such a thing. He would express deep sympathy for the victim, and would request and fully cooperate with an investigation. He would not participate in the character assassination and stonewalling the GOP has perpetuated, no matter what a lawyer told him.
Maybe the men I know are just that much better men that Kavanaugh.
75
@karen Or maybe you haven't ever met Kavanaugh and are just parroting the party line of the moment?
1
@me
We have all met Brett Kavanaugh, just by a different name.
1039
@karen
That is absolutely what I have been thinking...there is an unwillingness to want to know the truth...a fatal flaw for a Supreme Court candidate....it’s as if B.K. Is entitled to this nomination.
I would be deep into the research to understand how this could be possible if I were the candidate.
How many cases has Mr Kavanaugh ruled on where his patrician upbringing and religiosity has overwhelmed his ability to be empathic and recognize...”there too, but for the grace of God, go I”.
12
Sexual assault is absolutely wrong. And, as Harvard Law school's Elizabeth Bartholet has argued, seemingly in vain, firing people from jobs or kicking them out of college for instances of misconduct that are alleged but not proven is also wrong.
9
Then subpoena the friend...
8
@Lexi, yes, it seems entirely fair to have an investigation, whether via Maryland authorities given the lack of statute of limitations or via the FBI as part of the vetting process.
Matt Judge did provide sworn testimony but it would be interesting to see him questioned.
I would also like to hear from Maryland prosecutors and police detectives as to whether, based on what has been reported, there would be enough evidence for Maryland authorities to proceed with a prosecution.
I would like to see Ms. Ford and her lawyers bring the case to Maryland authorities and see what they say.
No woman in this country grows up without experiencing some form of sexual harassment or sexual violence. It is part of the fabric of our lives. When Anita Hill accused Clarence Thomas, whether or not you believed her accusations often depended on your gender. Men were sure Anita Hill was lying. Women believed her because, I would suggest, men generally do not experience to the constant objectification and sexual harassment that women routinely do. That is not to say that men have not suffered from sexual violence or harassment, we only have to look at the scandal in the Catholic Church to understand that this also happens to men. I hope that someday we can get to the point where everyone understands that this is wrong. It should happen to no one. But as long as we have a society where women are objectified and little boys are taught that the worst thing that they can be called is a “girl,” or show their emotions, there is little hope that it will change. But Theresa Brown is correct. Decent men don’t do this.
109
@CMS: I sympathize with what you say about women. You are quite mistaken, however, about what it is like to be a boy faced with bullying by older and larger boys. One either excepts the bullying with stoic silence, which can earn respect and take the pleasure out of the bullying -- or one can show emotion in the form of swift retaliatory violence that hurts badly enough so that it will not be forgotten. Crying or showing fear will only invite more bullying and derision. I dare say it has been that way ever since humankind evolved, and it is not likely to change.
2
@Penseur As a long time high school teacher, I witnessed bullying of boys and have seen them react exactly as you stated, either with stoic silence or swinging their fists. However, it always made me angry that boys were often taunted by being called “girls” if they did show any emotion, suggesting that to be a girl was “less than,” a boy. It is toxic for boys and it is toxic for girls, and unfortunately the way we raise both genders in this country is toxic for our society. Having had an opportunity to spend a great deal of time living and working and visiting parts of Scandinavia, (although they are not perfect) I know it does not have to be this way.
Yes, I had forgotten how my cousin got me down and ground himself on me and backed me into a wall and felt me out when I was 14 and how I couldn't tell because I didn't want to get in trouble. It made me feel dirty and just "bad." Yes. Of course, I would have been the one in trouble. And he knew that too. And have spent all my life trying to forget, to say it didn't happen every time we visited, and this whole "me too," I was saying oh, nothing like that happened to me really. . . and now this nominee brings it all back. It isn't just boys will be boys. There is a character flaw in any person who believes because they are bigger, stronger they can treat another human being just any way they want. And it goes deep and will show up in other ways. It's a total sense of entitlement, and, yes, even pride to be able to do something, get away with something harmful, just because that person can. Is that the kind of judge we want? And if he doesn't remember it. Well, he was black-out drunk then. Is that also what we want?
175
Most of the men that I know never engaged in such behavior and would never have even thought it was something to do.
A male beyond the age of 70.
17
This is good to hear. And yet most of the women I know have one or more stories like this. And most never told anyone until much later, if at all.
A woman in her 70s.
15
I'm slightly uncomfortable with referencing Shakespeare's Mark Antony in this moment. That feels like a bad omen to me. The rhetorical irony is accurate and correct. However, Antony was a seriously duplicitous character. I might also mention Antony was denied the dubious privilege of speaking first and therefore controlled the last word on Brutus. Are we sure who exactly represents Brutus in this situation? I'm not sure I want to witness that answer in reality.
2
The basis of our judicial system is 'innocent until proven guilty'. We must insist on evidence of guilt in this case because the political posturing does not allow us to do otherwise. This article, though right on, is premature until we see the evidence. It must be crystal clear that the allegations are true. For the future, we must teach all women exactly what to do when they are assaulted or harassed. Call the police. Video record with a cell phone. Pull hair or scratch skin for DNA.
4
@JES
A lot of us know that calling the police can be futile, or worse, an ugly demeaning experience.
16
@JES your comment shows a lack of understanding of what girls and women are made to feel in this moment. That it was their fault, that they brought this on themselves, that reporting it, no matter what the evidence, will only end up hurting them and ruining their own lives. Just look up Amber Wyatt, who reported her rape right away and her life was ruined as a result (and no one was ever prosecuted, despite definitive DNA evidence). This is not rare - it is the norm.
12
@JES. Look this is NOT a trial. It is a job interview. If you would hire someone who did this, that's your prerogative. My view, we have no need to hire someone with this type of issue in his background.
23
Absolutely Right. Women demand decency--not requesting it. This President has single handedly coarsened politics so no small wonder on his SC Picks. ---Trump is a man of TV-animated consciousness that makes him exhausting to the soul and corrosive to the spirit. (Mr. Trump's Wild Ride) -----Chortle
10
@That's what she said America's wild ride.
1
So well said. You captured in words and examples what women have had to deal with all our lives.
8
This rings true, but if all sexually-improper behavior is perpetrated by men (all of the examples were male aggressors, and all of the examples I can think of involve male aggressors), there must be a lot of men guilty of improper behavior. What to do with them? Keep them off the Supreme Court, I suppose, but where is the line drawn?
4
Sorry - the idea anyone thinks sexual assault is "normal" or "forgivable" is false. The case here is that there is NO EVIDENCE supporting the allegations against Kavanaugh. If we move into an era where a mere allegation is enough, its over for this country. If there is evidence, then fine, bring it so it can be evaluated. The word of Ford and Ramirez *is not enough*. And in the case of Ford, we have a juvenile crime system for a reason. Right?
3
Wrong @Dave. Testimony by a credible witness, in this case the victim, is evidence. Where do you get the idea that a statement by a victim is not evidence? Is it enough to convict someone of assault, actually yes, if a jury or judge decides it is. But in this case K is not on trial. He’s up for a promotion. And if a credible human is raising a question about his job qualifications, and the deciders believe her, then that should be evidence enough to disqualify K for this extraordinarily prestigious position that he is not entitled to.
183
@Dave Why do you say there is NO EVIDENCE? There is evidence, and in fact their "word" is evidence - whether you believe it or not is another question, you may not and that's ok. But,you need to add a few more to Ford and Ramirez, at least two more we know of - when will it be "enough"?
13
@Elise
Wrong @ Elise. Sorry. Unless the statements are made under oath and the penalty of perjury, statements such as these are not evidence. I've yet to see this accuser's affidavit, declaration or any other type of statement made under oath and the penalty of perjury that would be acceptable as evidence in any adjudicative forum of this country. I also doubt that if these statements were made under oath that any reasonable jury would find credible any testimony of events that allegedly occurred over 30 years ago, that are denied by all individuals allegedly at the events and that lack any certainty of time or place. People have day dreams with a firmer foundation in reality than what we've seen to date from this accuser. No authoritative body, including the U.S. Senate, should act on, or react to, such gossamer allegations as this.
I completely agree. The difficulty for the parent of a daughter is that one wants to protect them from pain and distress, so one gives warnings that may seem to legitimize ugly male behavior. Such as, don't get drunk at parties with guys you don't know. This sort of advice may seem to place the burden of responsibility for ugly behavior on the victim, which is how some of those who seek to excuse such behavior present their admonitions to females. But the fact that girls/women need to protect themselves is not an excuse for what they need to protect themselves from. Ugly male behavior should be recognized as such, called out, and punished.
19
Thank you for your stories. I once, when I was 18 sat in a phone booth in Grand Central Station, and a man opposite in another phone booth exposed himself to me. I left.
One time in New Hampshire after I was married, I took a walk in the beautiful woods, near our friend's house. A stranger, a man appeared and started talking, yelling from a distance. I turned and ran away from him, as fast as I could. I no longer dare to walk alone in woods.
Today at 1pm I walked out, and stood in front of Whole Foods with two other women. My sign said "I believe Dr. Christine Blasey Ford." Kavenaugh's "deflections" mean he is not honest.
621
@jmfinch I, and so many other women, also won't walk alone in the woods. And for good reason. But it's so unjust. Even a wide wood full of mostly chipmunks and squirrels is staked out as men's territory, men's space, in women's psyches.
@jmfinch
Good on ya! Wish I'd been with you!
@jmfinch So a man yelled at you from a distance in the woods and that equals sexual assault and/or sexual harassment? I guess that man, if identified, should never work again for the crime of yelling in the woods...
Thank you for contributing this. You have found the words for what I have been trying to say.
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I would add, girls do it to boys too, though it seems to stop when boys start puberty.
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Ok, but why the assumption that Kavanaugh is guilty as charged without any corroborating evidence? Doesn't the burden of proof reside with the accuser? Isn't the presumption of innocence one of the fundamental principles of our jurisprudence?
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@BD
This is not a trial.
This is a cost/benefit decision regarding what is best for society: Do we want people serving on the Court with histories of alcohol abuse and even a few cases of sexual assault accusation?
The Supreme Court is a tiny group of people. Already one of them lives under a cloud of suspicion, having been credibly accused of sexual harassment - and this is never going away.
If Kavanaugh is confirmed, then we’d have 2 out of 6 males on the Court living under clouds of suspicion. That’s a Third of Males on the Supreme Court. That’s 2 out of 9 total Justices.
Is it worth the Risk to place a clouded nomination before the Senate? Is it worth the Risk that a full third of males on the Supreme Court would have credible sexual abuse histories?
I think not!
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@BD this is not a trial! There is no burden of proof!
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@TheraP How is it that Obama's admitted drug use throughout his adolescence didn't bother you?
I'm starting to believe anyone who defends these things is secretly either guilty of doing them or guilty of wanting to do them. At this point I can think of no other explanation for people making excuses for it. I'm sick of it.
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@Sally I believe you are absolutely right. Yesterday, someone for whom I had the utmost respect defended Kavanaugh by saying that Ms. Ford would have mentioned the incident sooner if it were true. Then, he asked why she'd be wearing a bathing suit at a party...and said he would have tried sleeping with her, too.
I can't respect this man anymore. Too bad I don't have a choice about working with him.
not mean to lessen the powerful impact of these words and this story.
I just want to add that, although to a substantially lesser degree, that men are also victims of sexual assault. Often at the hands of women. and, they often suffer, in secret, a lifetime of silence and shame.
Do not forget us.
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@DJ And that there are children who have been sexually abused by women. Don't forget us, either.
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You're missing the point. I don't think any of Kavanaugh's reputable supporters are advocating a view that the alleged behavior is ever acceptable. They are not. Kavanaugh denies the incident ever occurred. That's a big difference than saying such behavior, if it occurred, is acceptable. I think your article is a bit disingenuous in asserting that Kavanaugh or his supporters are attempting to excuse such behavior. So far, there's only allegations neither supported by any of the individuals at the alleged party nor any other evidence at all. Ms. Brown, if you have a son who is accused of such behavior, I think you'll never agree that his life should be destroyed by a mere allegation of misconduct and nothing more. You'll want evidence, as any rational, fair minded person should.
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@B.K. What I am getting out of all this is that there was pervasive underage drinking, on the part of both young men and women - where were the adults in the room? Why were all these parents going out and leaving their homes to their kids to get drunk in? There should be a message here to kids of both sexes about drinking. Both Kavanaugh and Ford were lucky in one sense - they got home and weren't killed in a car wreck at the hands of an underage drunk driver.
1
I find myself these days imagining the thoughts of Dr. Ford and Ms. Ramirez. They were sexually assaulted by a man, and the Republicans want to make him a supreme court justice.
A supreme court justice.
I was once a registered Republican. I am a woman. I will never vote for another Republican as long as I live.
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@Loyle-
How can you reach the conclusion that these women were assaulted when the only information we have is two vague, incomplete and uncorroborated allegations of events that supposedly took place 35+ years ago?
I have no doubt that incidents like this are real -- it happened to me -- but blindly accepting these stories as fact, especially given their potential political motivation, is a sad step back in reshaping the culture.
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The problem is that you don’t know that they were sexually abused. You’re just assuming it. Would you have the same attitude if your husband/brother/son were presumed guilty just because a woman without evidence said so? At this point you’re just part of a mob, and it’s not pretty. Let’s hear the testimony before judging, shall we?
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@NT
The issue is not that we "know" the allegations are true. It is that the Republicans in congress refuse to allow a proper investigation to establish the truth of what happened.
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It's ironic that Judge Kavanaugh was said to be the person who insisted on embarrassing detail during the Ken Starr hearings about President Clinton.
The wheels of justice grind slow, but they grind exceedingly fine.
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@Jane,the universe works in very precise ways.
1
Brett Kavanaugh, as a father of two daughters (like you) I ask you, have you ever done anything that in hindsight you now feel was inappropriate? This is not a trick question and there is only one right answer. If your answer is no, than you have learned nothing as a man. And, if you took a girl's clothing off without her consent and God forbid you covered her mouth and took away her voice then rest assured you deserve hell on this earth and in the afterlife. The questions you are about to answer aren't about you anymore but about the world in which you want your daughters to live.
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@Kip BrundageI Some people would congratulate themselves for their supposed moral superiority; and it appears that you're one of them. It's ridiculous to expect Kavanaugh to answer for anyone but himself.
1
@Kip Brundage
Sorry, Kip, but speak for yourself. I'm a normal hetero man in his 60s, and I have never, ever coerced, manipulated, pushed, or aggressively seduced a woman in any way, and that includes my high school and college years. It wasn't prudishness or shyness, or any ethical code beyond basic human decency.... that it's wrong to treat other people like objects.
@Kip Brundage. ....when this happens to BKs daughters, and statistically it is likely, will he be outraged? Will he blame the girls or say boys will be boys. Will he be OK with that?
I had to wrestle about five fraternity brothers during my years in college who were drunk and tried feeling me up.
Was awoken by the male roommate of a friend from a local men's college getting on top of me. I yelled and people came and yanked him off me. Yes, witnesses! I remember all their names, time, place. I easily found one of them on FB. I toyed with asking him and decided, no. He won't remember me. I didn't report it.
Have been ambush kissed three times: by a stranger; a first date; and a colleague. Didn't report.
Been flashed three times (once at church). I called the cops. "Nothing we can do," I was told.
Had porn shoved in my face on the job. Porn watching was pretty common. It was silicon alley, the late 90's. I was one of few women in the (tech) company and did not report.
Got chased me around my apt and damn near thrown on my bed by a "friend". I considered reporting and then thought, "they won't do anything. I wasn't raped. Only grabbed against my will."
My sister was molested by her art teacher; I only found out last year, and she isn't the one who told me. My friend was abducted and raped at knifepoint. Rapist never caught. She never told her family. Heard of a HS girl a year behind me who "pulled a train" at a neighboring university. Years later, I learned that she was gang raped.
We have no one on our side. Not pols, not cops, not clergy, not laws.
We need men — decent and non — to view this as a problem that needs to be ended NOW.
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@AmesNYC Thank you for sharing your stories. I am sorry this happened to you and your friends.
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@AmesNYC
This is a pretty common tally of sexual violations for women, both in volume and type.
For the men who are feeling like due process is being sidelined by the fury of women, you just don't appreciate the sheer scale of these violations in the average woman's life. They're not rare. Plus, they're often done in private and when the woman is vulnerable in some way. That means they are almost impossible to prosecute - if you could even find (mostly male) authorities willing to listen.
So where does that leave us? With decades of justice denied and all the aftereffects of rape, sexual assaults, and harassment. Women wouldn't believe these reports if they didn't have so many similar experiences of their own. That's it in a nutshell. They also know that women tend to minimize their violations, if they reveal them at all. This means that what we've heard so far - from any of the indecent men in the news - is a tiny fraction of what's out there and greatly sanitized.
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@AmesNYC NO, we need to fight back ourselves. I was raped. I knew going to the police would do no good (this was 30 years ago). I paid someone to beat the guy up and tell him if he came near me again I would have him killed. Never saw him again.
I know this can happen and be forgotten for years and then come back to haunt forever after. It happened to me at 8 or 9 yrs and because it was a family member , a young boy, I said nothing. Never wanted to hurt other family members or disturb family relationships then or now some 60+ years later. I do remember it being an ongoing molestation and being scared. But ever after SILENT about it. Till this moment.
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@Dharma reyes: I am sorry this happened to you. Would you consider talking to a professional about it now?
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Win or lose Kavanaugh's is tainted,
His action when drunk is well painted,
In his memory he'll bear
The full truth of this sordid affair.
Another such Truth has come out
Though the POTUS may tweet and may shout,
There’s a fire 'neath this smoke
T'will be revealed to all Folk.
27
It is a sad truth that few if any adult men have not done things in their youth that they regret, some daily for the rest of their lives. Kavanaugh greatest sin, if any, is not showing that regret and admitting to it if the allegations are true.
19
@Butch S. I am a 68 year old man who knows many men of relatively similar age. My friends all regret things that we failed to do, mistakes we made with relationships, careers, choices. We do not regret assaulting or purposely harming women, or men, because we did not do things.
We do know many men who did use power and privilege to hurt others, particularly vulnerable women. They are not are friends. They are jerks and worse. While often in positions of power smart sociopaths often make lots of money because they value it so highly, they are easy to spot and shun. Shunning them, of course, is ossicle only if one has sufficient power and privilege oneself to not need to work for one of these people.
It is not true that most adult men have done things such as sexual assalltu
10
I think the indecency of the alleged acts is of a piece with Judge Kavanaugh's -- indeed, with all conservatives' -- wish to impose restrictions on women's reproductive health.
Who tells men that they have the power or the license to control women -- their bodies or their babies?
I'm not convinced there is any justification in the originalist jurisprudence of the Federalist Society or the Heritage Foundation that sanctions a government intrusion in women's private health matters, but not men's. Where does that come from?
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I got chills reading this opinion piece. All of it is so true, sad as that may be. If Mr. Kavanaugh did in fact do any of these things, even if he doesn't remember fully the details due to being drunk, the smartest thing he can do is say that he doesn't remember all of the details and that for this reason he will remove himself as one of the candidates. He has a wife and two daughters - this can be a lesson to them in the importance of staying sober. If he is lieing, this will not only tarnish him work-wise, it will tarnish his relationship with his family.
Boys and girls need to be taught that you do not touch someone's private parts without their permission, period.
There needs to be a class taught at a young age called "Respect". Without that, the fear and anger will always be there.
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I've got multiple similar stories, as do most of my female friends. I only once reported an incident in which a neighbor's husband exposed himself to me. The cops said they would file a report. They never did. I was not surprised.
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I had a similar experience to Ms. Brown's when I was a young girl. An older cousin decided to play doctor with me, without my consent. I was about six to his ten, I guess. Because he was older and my cousin, I don't recall protesting very much.
Mostly the activity was harmless, except when, much later, I realized how the event made me feel. Powerless and confused. I remember feeling as if I belonged less to myself than I had before, and I lost my trust in him. It turned out to be not at all the kind of thing you bring up to the perpetrator, but I have wondered if he ever thought about that day and whether he regretted his behavior.
A ten-year-old boy is quite a different person from a seventeen-year-old. And you can bet that if I'd been fifteen when he tried something like that, I'd have protested and fought back fiercely. Like Dr. Ford.
59
As a college student I remember hearing some coworkers - bouncers at a local college hot spot - talk about a party they attended the night before. The two of them raped a girl who had passed out from drinking.
Of course, they didn't say rape; they said something like, "we did this passed out chick."
I was sickened by their words and their actions. I wondered what could possibly motivate someone to rape another person like that. I knew I should do something about it, but was uncertain what, so mentioned it to a friend. He wasn't sure either. We were both young and a bit naive.
We talked about going to the police, the university, but we didn't know where this happened, the name of the girl or any other details. Eventually we concluded wrongly there was nothing we could do.
Over the years we've talked about our lack of response; our wish that we'd had the courage and knowledge to act more decisively. My lack of action is one of the greatest moments of regret from my life. It's one of the moments that cemented my resolve to stand up for people who may not be able to stand up for themselves.
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@DCS
If these two were your co-workers, then you know -- or can find out -- their names.
So publicize their acts. Tell people what they bragged about. It's time to stand up for yourself, now, too.
4
If the author wishes to prevent any risk of these sorts of stories, she should assure that her daughter never participates in an event with alcohol when she is 15. And to prevent the misconduct that occurred at college, her daughters should not participate in drinking games to the point of intoxication.
It's wrong to blame victims. We don't blame people who have had their cars stolen. We blame the thieves. But we also remind people to not leave the keys in the ignition with the engine running.
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@ralph2239 "she should assure that her daughter never participates in an event with alcohol when she is 15."
That sounds good in principle, but in the real world kids can get in situations that they didn't intend and can't always control. They don't deserve the consequences in any case nor do their parents.
9
@ralph2239...so to me that sounds like you are saying males are not obligated to control themselves. If you drink...you deserve it? That is very close to "What were you wearing? Why were you walking down the street? Are females supposed to stay inside their homes until the day they marry or die? Where is personal responsibility on the part of males?
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@ralph2239 Because they're, um, asking for it?
2
High nominees are investigated and vetted in formal ways, and then transpires a period, lengthy or not, during which the public and the press may come forward with information pertinent to the nominee's character. However you want to dress it, this is what has happened with Kavanaugh's nomination process. He has things in his past that point to the inner person. There is a history and an ugliness that is not explainable. The man is, therefore, not qualified for a lifelong post on the Supreme Court.
As for the rest of us, we men may experience remorse or be horrified at things we did in formative years, and be capable of heartfelt introspective change. But, this does not qualify us for the Supreme Court, either.
362
Yes I believe this points to his true character. regardless, I distrusted him from the get go. He has a face like Ted Cruz. Sort of smirky. His picture in high school evokes an insecure nerdiness which is the typical type of entitled nerdy boy who seeks attention and throws himself at women. Real men with personality and security have no problem attracting women without assault. Frankly, he still looks like a goofball -- like Cruz.
6
@Woody Yes. Thank you.
4
@Woody, this also points to Kavanaugh's character: there is no indication that he has expressed remorse or made any attempt to apologize or atone for his behavior. A man who cannot admit his own sins, to go through the basic process of reconciling himself to his own misdeeds and to those victimized by them, has no business making decisions that will impact the lives of millions. He has already shown himself to be capricious and cruel in his prior rulings towards women and prisoners of war; these latest allegations only fit with what we know of his character.
10
How often do we hear about “decent” men, when what is meant is “powerful, connected, wealthy men”? (Or young men, similarly connected to power, when they try to rape unconscious women on a sidewalk behind a dumpster.)
We know that one is decent or not because of what one does, which embody one’s attitudes towards others and the world. Kavanaugh, we’ve seen, is a slick evader of answering questions. He’s a bender of facts. He may also be a liar and denier of his own actual behaviors. Sound “decent” to you? Decent enough to have a lifelong judgeship? To decide the fates of milllions of Americans relative to the Constitution?
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I have a daughter and I do not want her to ever have a story like that. Worse, rage at a human being that could do this to her as a child, teenager or college student can end up in a tragedy, like it usually does when organised justice, in the form of courts and the law, veers besides and away from vulnerable persons who are wronged.
I have no problem with a conservative judge whose politics and decisions I passionately disagree with, sitting on the Supreme Court. I have a big problem, feeling incapable of protecting my daughter, if he or any other judge with which I may or may not agree is not thoroughly investigated before getting to that life-long appointment. It's a position of someone who gets to decide if and who gets justice in this country, which is important in its own right. But the much worse effect would be the enabling of a generation of males that they could get away with it, all the way to the highest court.
Ms Blasey Ford is said to have looked up immigrating to New Zealand when she heard of Kavanaugh's nomination. I can understand her, and would start looking for a more secure and equitable place to raise my daughter. A quarter of Norwegian I took in college can perhaps help. It may well be that some Americans will immigrate to Norway instead of the other way around.
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@Yasser Taima I do have a problem with this conservative judge sitting on the SCOTUS. He grew up disrespecting women and I bet it was often his modus operandi. How do you think he'll deal with issues concerning women's rights when on the court? His history of disrespect and abuse doesn't bode well for half the nation (women).
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@jsutton-
"Grew up disrespecting women"? "History of disrespect and abuse"? How can you reach these conclusions based on two vague and uncorroborated accounts from 35+ years ago? If Judge Kavanaugh used this kind of analysis, he never would have graduated from law school, let alone risen to the second-highest court in the land.
Thank you for writing this piece. I am finding it increasingly difficult to continue watching the Kavanaugh coverage, but I am making myself do it anyway because it is so important. The hardest part is hearing the comments like the ones you write about. The ones that say "what boys don't act like that sometimes?" The ones that say "why did it take over 30 years for her to come forward?" It is especially hard to hear those comments come out of the mouths of women. We all have these experiences we carry with us - and it is serious baggage. And no - "all boys" are NOT like that. And boys that are like that should NOT be on the Supreme Court.
406
@JMF Sorry. Rape is derived from "steal" - the "idea" being that to have sex with a woman is to steal her from either her husband or father. This is just to say: this has been a problem from time immemorial and will continue to be a problem for the forseeable future. And yes I am a man but no, I have never raped, and (partly from stories from female friends) hate rape intensely.
Thank you for this timely and extremely relevant juxtaposition.
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And for all the decent men (and there are many out there) who do NOT do these things, those who do need to be called out and ostracized or punished.
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@Sara And they need to be called out by the decent men.
17
I'm so glad Ms Brown has written this article. No, it is NOT normal to disrespect another human being. I taught both my boys kindness and respect for others - it wasn't a difficult thing to do at all! Because they were naturally kind to begin with and understood. Now as adults they're true gentle-men. "Boys will be boys" is has-been and passe, in the process of becoming extinct like the dinosaurs. Real men don't assault other people.
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@jsutton You don’t even have to “teach” them. You simply model kindness, respect, decency.