Would love to read more of this story. Please consider ongoing essays. I believe this voice of compassion is a beautiful thing we can all use more of.
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@Stefanie. I too would like to see you consider ongoing essays. Thank you for sharing.
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Gorgeous. Blessings to all. Love the mention of the court-appointed special advocate -- a volunteer job I held a few years ago and can't wait to get back to (empty nest + retirement).
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My husband and I did the same thing. It’s a blessing.
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You are ( what's the female version of mensch?) so willing to go with your human instinct for compassion when you ( and your husband) decided to do whatever you could for these children.
And you stuck with it! I've been a liaison with foster parents. Often, they - as you know with your children - eventually find their resistance to accepting a connection and parental type supervision too exhausting or frightening, and bail. That, of course, is just what the "problem" foster kids anticipate they will do. Sticking to your initial commitment alone maybe the first absolutely necessary requirement for these girls to be able to build lasting relationships with anyone.
The kids in this position don't have any choice about being thrown into uncertain living arrangements with strangers, something that would scare emotionally stable adults. They have no reason, usually, to trust any adults to provide care or make good decisions.
Your experiences would be a great to share with others fostering or considering becoming foster parents. There just aren't that many of you,and there is great need for those with the courage and fortitude to step in
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Bravo! This is not about filling an empty nest, this is about finding a purpose in life as you age. It is not easy to immerse yourself in bettering others lives. I sure hope the girls quickly realise the opportunity of a lifetime they have been gifted by you and your husband. I hope your daughters read this article and realise their present luck and a possibility of a happy future if they seize this moment. When young it is easier to wallow in what was and never face the present or think of the future. Given their sad past, I hope they teach themselves to think positive with the help of your family.
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A good reminder that foster kids didn't ask for the life circumstances that put them in the system and that the damage caused by that lack of control can lead to self destructive practices. Not everyone is equipped to handle children who have been damaged by what life has thrown at them and the decision to foster children shouldn't be entered into lightly. But those who take on the challenge are unsung heroes.
This doctor doesn't appear to be looking at these girls as a temporary responsibility. So many of these kids end up on their own with no family after they age out. These girls look like they are part of a lifelong family which is such a blessing.
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What an amazing and caring woman. God bless her and hers.
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Such a touching article
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Many blessings to you all. You will be in my prayers as you move forward on your journey.
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I am a CASA (Court appointed special advocate) for a foster youth. We met when she was a teen who had recently attempted suicide-- now she is about to begin her 2nd year in college at a top UC. Her anxiety and depression have lifted. She is thriving. I will be her CASA until she leaves the system for good at 21 and then I will be her friend for life.
Troubled people start out as un-nurtured kids. If parents are incapable of providing good nurturing care, kids get the message "I am not worthy of care.... there is something bad about me." When an adult steps in and commits to them lovingly, this belief is challenged. Though it takes a lot of chipping away to change it.
One extremely helpful intervention I got for my CASA kid is Neurofeedback (Neuroptimal). Neurofeedback communicates with the right brain, where early life trauma and early, non verbal implicit learning is stored, so it helps inculcate self regulation and inner calm. She had a wonderful foster home who still consider her their daughter, and yet the Neurofeedback was key to her SEEING their love and not immediately discounting it, or talking herself out of every relying on it.
Being a CASA is the best thing I ever did. It makes a difference and it is incredibly rewarding work.
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@Megan
Thanks for you account. My personal experiences have led me to believe, too, that it is necessary to " bypass" the "thinking" brain to get to the right brain, or more primitive areas of the brain ( amygdala, ?) to be able to touch and change early established negative experiences. Get those neurons literally firing differently.
Being able to speak about experiences and "understand them" cognitively doesn't, unfortunately, repair the essential emotional harm done.
If neuro-feedback - not very commonly offered to foster kids - can be so effective, it should be widely available.
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Hi thank you for sharing your experiences. I am particularly interested in neurofeedback. How does one go about obtaining this service? I have two adopted children who might benefit from this. Pls share any information you might have with me. Thank you.
At the suggestion of a friend, who teaches in a school with a lot of children from unstable home lives, I read the book, "Forever or a Long, Long Time" by Caela Carter. It's about 2 foster kids learning to trust, and the parents who had to learn how to understand their new kids. Highly recommend it. Grateful for people like Dr. Roy-Bornstein for taking the risk and being able to see life through her daughters' eyes.
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The story seems misnamed. It wasn't a case of two adults considering their house seemed empty after their own grown children had moved away, and now taking in foster children would fill the house again with noise and activity. Ms. Roy-Bornstein, for some reason, was drawn to this set of sisters and decided on a purposeful intervention. I have no idea why these sisters made such an impression on her. But I know of teachers who seeing the circumstances of students decided to foster them in the hope of making a difference. But I don't know of any who watched a situation fester for four years before opting to step in. I am assuming that now after the girls have turned themselves around and are adults, we are looking a book about success with a feel-good ending.
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When you work with children, as a teacher or pediatrician does, you might have dozens of foster kids passing through your classroom or offices every year. You cannot take them all in, so of course, the first instinct is not to do so.
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Maybe the author and her husband needed to get to a place in their minds and hearts that they didn't even know about. It sounds like when they arrived at that place, they were quick to take the girls in.
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@R. B.
Enjoy your cynicism. I hope it somehow makes you feel better.
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It needs plenty of guts apart from compassion to do what you have done. Bravo ! I salute you. It’s too tough given the circumstances under which the foster children have been brought up in their home. Hope you will have a smooth journey. Best of luck to you and the foster children.
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I am not crying. I have sunblock in my eye.
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My wife and i have discussed adopting but i am too afraid. Thank you for being open to the unknown. Love is a movement of the will to put another ahead of yourself. Your choice to adopt is the ultimate example of love. God bless you
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@John The article says that the two girls are foster daughters, not adopted. Perhaps something you and your wife might consider.
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@cc, given that the author identified her daughters by name my guess is that they are now adopted.
John, if you are in LA there is a program run by Kidsave called Weekend Miracles that would allow you and your wife to get to know older children in foster care who want adults in their lives. We participate in a similar program here in DC. You'd be surprised how that fear ca fall away when you both get to know these teens and also move forward surrounded by a supportive community.
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I can’t be the only person who wants more of this story, right?
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@Trixie in the Heart of Dixie
U might want to look into becoming a Guardian ad Litem. We’re volunteers. I wish I had started this years earlier. It’s a way to help.
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Called CASA in some states...court appointed special advocate....there is one mentioned in the article.
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@clct53 Aren't guardians ad litem paid attorneys?
Beautifully written, but more importantly, bravely lived. Best of luck with your daughters.
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Thank you so much for taking in these scared, vulnerable girls. creating a family is always something of a crap shoot, but a foster family is a much bigger gamble.
Somebody had to stand up for them, and thank goodness it was you!
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Beautifully rendered and brilliantly thought through. An author to be admired and read. And as another commentator said, we should all be so loving and generous! Thank you for paving the way for all of us.
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Beautiful and deeply moving.
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What a beautifully written essay--vivid, heartfelt and with those moments of self-realization and depth toward the end.
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Hope incredibly insightful and kind. In our mean-spirited culture these are the stories we need.
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