As a fellow 0331, I understand some of what you have gone through, if not all, we are all imperfectly different in our journey through life. ED is not an easy thing to deal with, it is a loss of masculinity, so much of a man's self-image is bound up in that little piece of flesh. Especially when one has experienced the hyper masculine world of the FMF.
Just because you suffer from ED, does not make you a lesser man. Understanding that can be jarring in the beginning, but we men are so much more than just a walking talking penis. We have so much more to offer a woman, or man, when it comes to be a companion.
Accepting one’s shortcomings, and not focusing on them is part of the healing process, it isn't easy, no therapy ever is, and you will never be the exact same as one you used to be. Thus, accepting this and living within those parameters are important.
Honesty is as a commenter here said the best answer, get it out, no pun intended, and let the chips fall as they may. If your date accepts it, then great, if not move on, there are plenty of fish in the ocean, and you should never accept someone who is not respecting you, that Jason, is action and drama you do not need my fellow weapon brother (double entendre totally intended), And remember Semper Fidelis, not just to the Corps, but also to yourself...
18
Your piece is really well written. Your experiences come alive.
I wonder if my father's experiences in WW II might help you. He fought at Kohima in Burma, 1944 and he also fought the Chinese Communists in the Malayan Emergency 1950-1953. His best friend was killed at Kohima. My father did not talk a lot about it, but he did not shy away from it either. He actually wrote about his experiences at Kohima in a diary. He died in January 2017, and I went home to the UK for the funeral. My sister showed me the diary. Boy, it came alive then! He had taken the dog tags off three dead Japanese and was trying to figure out which regiments the Brits were facing. He had an army pamphlet to translate the Japanese characters and he showed the results to his friend. The Brits were facing 15,000 Japanese soldiers in the jungle. They only just held them. The Japanese finally retreated back to Thailand. Thousands of them died in the retreat.
My sister was unwilling to let me read the whole diary, but I could tell it would have made interesting reading and might have made a valuable contribution to the historical record. Maybe you could right down your memories as a way to exorcise them. Maybe your memoirs would be of interest to a historian also. This is just a suggestion. The best of luck to you, anyway.
7
Greetings Jason...full disclosure, I'm writing a book
about Canadian and American soldiers who had to take mefloquine
Lt.Gen.(retd) Bill Carr DFC former RCAF Commander
is my friend. He and many other officers, serving and
retired have helped with my research.
I would like you to meet Jake, a Canadian who fought
with the U.S. Marines in Iraq. He was wounded and has a similar story.
Jake is a true Marine with a big heart...he has been helping homeless Canadian veterans. His comment: "I used to help some homeless veterans in Toronto, but they're all dead now...suicide" is a haunting reminder of how badly many combat veterans have been treated.
(ref CBC radio documentary Kate Cochran)
Jake got a good Marine Corps disability pension and finished University...many weren't so fortunate.
Soldiers who were deployed GW1 GW2 Somalia, Rwanda and Afghanistan should tell their physicians
that they may have been prescribed neurotoxic mefloquine and the symptoms can appear long after
they stopped taking mefloquine
"Most of the problems of Canadian and American
soldiers in Somalia were due to mefloquine impairment." (CAF medical officer, post Somalia conference Ottawa October 1993)
There is much more and it is more complicated than that.
saludos de Yucatan
David Andrew Henry
ps
The French Army never prescribed mefloquine.
ref
pratt passey mefloquine toronto star
"A Few Bad Men" Macleans magazine March 1994
2
Try dating after having a total mesorectal excision (TME) for cancer, like me. Making out while wearing an adult diaper is a special experience.
5
Jason,
Be smart and take my advice.
Stop dating females who undress in your presence and tempt you to fornicate. Fornication is not going to help you move forward in life.
You've rec'd much praise for your book on your exp. in Iraq.
Keep educating yourself. Read Sayyed Qutb's "A Child from the Village". SQ was an Egyptian Muslim Bro Founder who sensed Nasser's betrayal of the Egyptian male underclass. Nassar was seduced by western US biz-men and their political allies who salivated at exploiting Egypt and other mideast countries, like Iran, to get their oil for cheap, then resell it for wealth elsewhere. (Russia built the Aswan dam, btw, ruining the livelihoods of farmers along the NILE River).
Read other books on the topic. Then you'll understand why Mohamed Atta and Al Quaida arose. Bin Laden did not arise out of a vacuum.
Then maybe, maybe, ...you'll stop feeling sorry for yourself and realize your part in the "Arab Spring" mess in Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, Egypt and beyond. You might even inspire other vets to STOP writing narcissist Rambo-style memoirs in a misguided attempt to eliminate ISIS.
1
You have a flair for the written word. Maybe if you continue to write about your experiences it will help............?
6
Why are you even thinking of having sex on the first, second, third, fourth or fifth date?
7
Commenting strictly about Viagra, not the rest of the article: People need to understand that if you take Viagra (or similar) and settle in to do your income taxes, you're not going to be "ready to go." If you take a Viagra and have a big fight over the dishes while waiting for it to kick in, you won't be "ready to go." If you take a Viagra and go out to a baseball game odds are high you're NOT going to be sitting there with a "pistol in your pocket." Not unless you detach from the game and focus your mind on sensual fantasies. Sex is in the head *without* Viagra and sex is in the head *with* Viagra. What the drug *does* do is make the taker "more able, more responsive" with a partner who is being affectionate and friendly.
15
Some good weed is what you need, dude. It's the best for whole categories of pain, dispels anger, makes you happy AND well.
You're in Colorado, take advantage of it! Surprised your docs haven't had you bonging for years.
Good luck and peace out.
10
Risks for PTSD and consequent medically or pharmaceutically induced impotence exist in MANY professions today including teaching. American society could care less about those who serve in war, battlefield or classroom. Lip service: "Thanks for your service" nauseates me both in its text and tone. The Idiot disparaged McCain's service AND got away with it, hardly causing a ripple among his deplorable supporters. Lesson learned.
4
Thank you for you service and for sharing your story.
Perhaps slightly off topic, but I wanted to add:
I consider myself a feminist, and cringe when I hear those who share many of my feminist views blithely belittle the use of medications such as Viagra—what I often see as a shallow, ill-conceived counter argument to slut-shaming. Or, they are aiming to point out gender discrepancies in health care, but fail to see the stigma they produce when espousing one-dimensional characterizations of Viagra’s use. These people miss or ignore stories like yours, thereby overlooking those who seek to improve their health and the well-being of their partners. I’m hoping that you haven’t been on the receiving end of this uninformed outlook yourself. I will save your article to help broaden my peers’ understanding.
Wishing you all the best with your health and the dating world. Thank you again for your service and for writing such an honest and open essay.
11
There is really no harm in taking Viagra when you don't need it.It does not automatically cause an erection, and even if one occurs, it will go away if left alone. An unused erection should not be a big problem. Good luck to you.
4
"While texting on Tinder, she suggested I might get to play with her kitty."
I think it might have been safe to take the Viagra after she said that
28
As a Vietnam vet I can relate. But hold on, man. Love and patience and the right person or persons (as the case may be) can make all the difference. And thank you for your service. War is hell. We know.
8
I cannot read this entire essay. Dude is talking about erectile dysfunction on a FIRST DATE. Maybe respect yourself and others more than that and see what happens. I'm no puritan, but dang!
11
Perhaps giving yourself the permission to go slower will help. Instead of planning on sex with a woman you barely know after dating a few times, take time to get to know the woman first. Kindle a friendship before the romance, then there are other ED drugs besides Viagra that keep that window open longer. Dry spells suck but you will survive without sex for a few months.
And keep working on healing those injuries to your soul. Meditation and yoga would be a good start. Read up on natural supplements that help the GABA receptors in the brain and naturally help anxiety. Investigate other forms of therapy too. EDMR therapy helps PTSD. And also investigate EFT, it works like EDMR but with acupressure. And look at your diet for help with your back. Read up on Antler Velvet capsules for joint and back pain.
Find a Chiropractor to see if adjustments will help. Bulging discs happen because the spine isn't properly aligned. Chiropractor adjustments, yoga, anti-inflammatory diet and restoring the magnesium in your body can help. An inversion table would probably bring you lots of temporary relief while you work on relaxing those tight muscles and reducing that inflammation in your body.
Finally, be kind to yourself. Don't take your anger and frustration out on you. Treat yourself with the kindness and compassion you'd give a fellow soldier going through the same thing.
18
Jason,
It takes guts to be a Marine, just as it did to write this essay.
Antidepressants, particularly the newer SSRIs and SNRIs like Prozac, Celexa, Cymbalta and Effexor, are a mainstay for treating PTSD and depression but are well-known to to cause erectile dysfunction and delay or preclude orgasm. This last effect is particularly severe in women. These side effects can be reduced with addition of bupripion, a different class of antidepressant. All of these meds can make seizures more likely however.
An alternative to Viagra that's less expensive, more reliable, and much quicker-acting is injectable tri-mix, a product available only from compouinding pharmacies. I've used it for 28 years since radation therapy for testicular cancer left me impotent. It does require injection into the base of the penis with a diabetic syringe, but I've found this minor discomfort a small price to pay fo reliable
results within 5 minutes. I've recommended it to several men over the years but most cannot get beyond the idea of an injection into the penis. Don't let this deter you. Talk to a urologist.
6
A few years ago the NYT had an artcle on dating websites for people with health issues. I remember because I sent it to two friends.
Editor’s note: This comment has been anonymized in accordance with applicable law(s).
Thank you for sharing your story. Check out Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. This 12 step program is for folks with various issues about love, romance, co-dependency and relationships in general. When I go to a meeting I can breathe and relax and know I'm not the only person struggling.
GREAT writing! You are my kinda guy. Any lady would be lucky to be with you.
7
Bring back the draft, but make it fair this time, your # comes up you go, period. The folks thanking you for your service and telling you your a hero, are just glad it was you and not their kid who couldn't find a better job. Good luck finding a recruiting office in Silicon Valley.
I admire the veteran's candor and sincerity, as well as his service to his country! I wish he had mentioned the medication by name but agree with the physician below that it is likely to be an SSRI. Though not necessarily-- I have seen a wide range of medications used. It is unusual for someone to report great results. Some of the med choices are occasionally very unusual and seemingly contraindicated.
Benzodiazepines certainly relieve anxiety but alcohol abuse is so often seen in conjunction with PTSD that most clinicians are skittery about using them much.
Potentially the most effective and helpful approach is psychotherapeutic. At least there are no debilitating side effects. I have never seen anyone get "cured" by this but a better adjusted life with some pride can emerge. Some veterans need to be helped to understand that PTSD is an "honorable wound". Those afflicted are in good company from over the ages. Medications are sometimes somewhat helpful but-- as we see here-- side effects can out-weigh benefits.
Viagra and the other erection enhancers can be very helpful and best of all would be an understanding and accepting lover.
Concur with others who thanked you for your service—your intent to make a positive contribution.
Regarding relationships, perhaps ficus less in the equipment performing in a superficial scenario and more on establishing a relationship over time that builds to intimacy. By its definition, intimacy requires time to share, trust, etc.
June
3
Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry for the loss of physical self you have suffered. Not everyone wants "a little action" - many women actually would like a little less than what is offered. Persist. Don't give up. I treat women with PTSD and believe me, they are out there - real people who aren't completely hung up on sex. Persist.
3
SSRIs can feel like a godsend at first, but then you start to miss feeling emotions and yearn for another option.
CBD is a cannabis product that doesn't make the user high. It's very calming and also can be a pain treatment, with no sexual side effects.
Using psychedelics at a microdosing level is gaining traction but still isn't available outside a few research trials.
PTSD can wear many different coats, but it's so important to have therapy of some kind. Seek out treatments that are less problematic.
1
As a psychiatrist and veteran, I’ve seen this situation all too much. Standard antidepressants are safe but lead to sexual side effects for both sexes nearly half the time. Low dose lithium could be an option leading to uplifting changes in more than your mood.
1
As a Sailor who caught way too much weight coming down a ladder, being a heavy-duty welder, pipe fitter and Naval Firefighter with damage control, helicopter crash crew etc, I can totally sympathize with you on several of the points.
I am not the kid they sent out to a ship 36 some years ago in the Reagan Era with Soviet Subs actively on the hunt, and us a Sub Tender which, as the resupply and repair base, we were the first target if hostilities broke out. So there was an intensity onboard ship that could be cut with a knife.
That lives with you as much as the injuries! Then to come back to land where the civilians do not speak the same language, seem to be intent on tiny stuff with huge problems towering around them going unseen.
It makes it hard to connect to the people unless they have 'been there, done that' for our Nation as well.
As far as the pills go, I have way too many, the neck has been rebuilt and the fusions failed. The VA has kept me in run-around mode, only finding half my papers at a time. So I have PTSD surrounding dealing with those problems too.
But when I lost a girlfriend because things would come to a literal screaming half, with me doing the screaming, in pain; normal relations plain became impossible.
I have set myself to live on $750/mo SSI, SNAP and Medicaid. They at least give me helper a few hours a week to help me do things in my camper I cannot, shopping and rides.
But this old Sailor is hard-grounded on the beach, with no party, as well!
1
Jason, thank you. As a psychotherapist I hear lots of stories about dating, sex and relationship. I think our culture teaches us that men are sex machines. That they can be “ready to go” on a moment’s notice and that there is something wrong with men that aren’t.
Sex is a powerful experience. Energetically, people’s bodies are joined. It can be deeply spiritual and sacred, not immediate and casual. You’re a special and sensitive man. Why not date a woman for a number of times and get to know her? Set a number in your mind - like seven dates. You can start with a goodnight kiss and not just jump into bed. Form an emotional connection first. You have to decide if you even LIKE this woman before proceeding to sex. For all you know, she might have relationship wounds, too. You’re not the “identified patient.” There is a strong connection between the body and the mind. Wait. If the relationship is meant to be important, it will be. Nothing is lost by waiting.
The first several dates, focus on the positive - what makes you happy, what you’re proud about having accomplished. Then, as the dates proceed, you can begin to talk about PTSD and medication. But, don’t lead with this, as you’ll scare the woman. Let her see your goodness, your specialness, your kindness.
You can also speak with your doctor. Sometimes medications need adjustment. There might be a simpler fix than you know.
Good luck to you in your search for love. I believe you can find it!
16
This was written very well. My only question is if the problem is loss of libido whether an ED drug makes sense. Don't ED medications enhance the physiological accompaniment to desire, but not the desire itself? That's why the idea of female viagra for female loss of libido did not make a lot of sense to me. Maybe I'm wrong about ED drugs, though.
Wonderfully written piece.
I have a child on the autistic spectrum and have worked with myriad specialists (psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, OTs) to help him manage emotional intensity and irritability. Almost all suggested or actually prescribed meds. One psychiatrist suggested a drug after interviewing me, before meeting my child.
I happen to have expertise in pharmacology but hold that card back when I’m “just a mom.” The oversimplistic analogies to “push” me to be more comfortable agreeing to medicate my child boarder on outright deception. “It’s like insulin for diabetics.” It is not REMOTELY like insulin for diabetic. I’ve also heard the line a commenter on your piece trotted out. “Chemo patients take anti-nausea meds... No med is side-effect free.”
No one ever asks about quality of sleep, healthful eating, exersice, social networks, areas of strength that could be leveraged.
Psychotropic meds are powerful drugs (else they wouldn’t have such profound effects on the interworkings of the mind and bodies) with high profit margins and an army of pushers out there promoting them, including (especially) many doctors.
I cannot fathom your pain and suffering. I thank you wholeheartedly for your service.
1
Dear Jason, thank you for this wonderful, honest piece of writing. You are a strong man to show your vulnerability. I would also add, that even men that haven't been to war, but have been "wounded" by life events that require them to take similar medications as you do, struggle with the same issue. I would assume that many men that have to take anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications, are victims of decreased or lacking libido. As are women. Another commenter suggested Cialis as an alternative to Viagra for men, maybe that will make a diffrence for you. And I have lots of respect for not looking for the solution "at the bottom of a bottle", that's not where it is. Wishing you continued light and strength on your journey.
2
Jason,
Your essay is courageous and quite well done. As others here attest, it reveals your strengths, and your better character than most.
This veteran of the American war in Vietnam, and survivor of child abuse, has had years of SSRI's, and some with Viagra as needed. Over time, I have been most fortunate to have met sincere, accepting, connecting, and humorous women. Along the way I was able to learn some self-forgiveness, and self-acceptance, annnnnd still had safe adventure and fun.
Because you can write like this as a young man, I am confident that you will do very well in meeting women, or a woman, that prize who you are, Viagra or no Viagra. Volunteer work is often a great place to meet. More gets done, and more is revealed often, than the usual haunts. I like Habitat particularly because of the opportunity to communicate in different ways, through the shared work.
6
Perhaps the NYT can send this essay to those in Congress who think war is a good idea. No one wins in a war, especially those brave men and women who give up their lives to fight for the rest of us.
I am sorry that you had to suffer these ravages.
I hope you find peace, contentment and love.
You deserve it.
2
Canine Campanions for Independence (cci.org) makes dogs available to veterans at no cost. These dogs are specially trained to assist a veteran with a physical or mental injury. My wife and I raise puppies and CCI completes the professional training and the matching of veterans with the best dog to help them.
5
This is for all the men out there, two things so...
In my 20's I met a man in his early 30's. There was no such thing as Viagra at that time. He was a VN Vet. We dated a couple of times. I like him and found him interesting. Then it all stopped. I thought I was the problem he couldn't overcome. How much more ill matched can a person who will live her life a hippy at heart and returning Vet be? But I liked him and he never said goodbye. He vanished. Then he called me 4 years later. At first I wondered why? During the conversation I learned much more about him. I learned that he took a Religious Sabbatical and then went straight into a Buddhist Sabbatical. That he had a lot of problems and felt isolated, helpless, and a failure. He chose Sabbaticals. He found his way back but it was a long road for him. If he had told me any of this when we were first acquainted I would have had empathy and helped my friend in anyway I could have. Instead, his secret shame hurt both of us. Sex is important to a relationship but not as important as trust. We met, went out 2 more times, but it felt disconnected. Why? He was the same man I had been interested in. I realized I no longer trusted him to be an equal partner in a long term relationship.
Forget the second part. It was off topic. If you are not comfortable have sex with another person for any reason then just say so.
AH! A real person on Tinder!
A beautifully written piece, and I do think women will respond differently with your side effects from medication...honesty is your best policy.
As for your butterfly collection, that would be a deal breaker for me, since I'm unnaturally terrified by them.
Nice if you could be a regular columnist for the NYT.
Your style is a cool drink on a rather hot day.
3
Somebody should show this to Mr. Kagan the next time he bemoans the loss of the liberal world order.
1
To me, this is written by a Man. I'm not pandering when I say that Congress, the President and Supreme Court deserve Vet Administration health benefits, and vice versa. You have a gift for communicating, and are a realist. I would hope that you can stop being ambushed by the past and embrace the amazing future that awaits you, should you chose to use your gifts.
You're probably right about the pills, but have you considered the effects of intimacy? A pre-first-date email exchange with an offer to "play with her kitty" suggests a casual relationship, with a lot of built-in expectations.
Personally, I find that that an intimate relationship improves sex. The psychoanalysts suggest you first build trust, intimacy (the sharing of secrets), explore if you have a compatible gender identity, and experience an emotional response to one another (what they call a 'transference'). Remember, you're not storming a beach...it may take at least three or four dates and a bunch of phone calls. Once a loving relationship is established the rest is much easier.
2
Thanks for your beautifully written piece. I'm amazed at the bravery it takes to write about--and attach your name to--common problems that stay hidden.
Despite my handle, I live in Colorado now. I'm too old for you :) --but I'll try with some advice. First, get off Tinder. Your date thought a tattoo'd Marine would be a hot hook-up. With your particular set of challenges, this is the wrong venue for you. Be patient. In actuality, your issues are easy for a woman who cares about you to handle. Our plumbing is rather fickle itself, so we get it.
Second, the human body is an amazing thing. It is the finest instrument you will ever own. Treat it that way. There is nothing wrong with drugs that do a job you need them to do. But while those drugs hold everything at bay, perhaps try working your way into some alternatives that can help you--and maybe ultimately stand alone or help you minimize your drug regimen. Boulder is a font of such things. Some are bizarre, but some are legit. Consider hypnosis (by a psychiatric professional). Pick one thing to work on.
Get outside. A LOT. Whatever your back can take and you enjoy. And don't forget that food is a drug, too. Eat for your brain, not just your body. Do you have a dog? If you are situated such that you can have one, there is nothing better than the unconditional love a doggo can provide. Also, walking said dog is a great way to meet women.
Be well.
6
I represented a former Marine with documented PSTD before discharge who violently raped a woman and in a separate incident, broke into his childhood home thinking a cop lived there (suicide by cop) and tied up it occupants and burglarized the home. The Marines documented this mans PTSD and wrote “this soldier can be a harm to himself and others” on his medical release form. They just let him go.
4
Eudora Welty says that "fiction depends for its life on place." You opened the door to a place in your heart that is full of hurt and hope. It's a place every human knows about but few will speak about. Thank you for speaking.
2
This song came out in 1969. Our "leaders" have learned nothing nothing nothing in almost 50 years.
I wish some of them would read you article and learn form you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01-2pNCZiNk
1
It’s absolutely unforgivable what this country and our government has done to these young people. They gave so much, but so little was/is given in return...
“Young man, if your potential lover is not understanding and works with you through the intimate roadmap, then that’s a potential lover not worth having, trust me... Thank you for your service!”
Thank you, Jason, for your service and your insight. There is the someone out there who will pop into your life when you are not looking, who will understand and accept you as you are.
As my nephew would say: Semper Fi.
Maybe stay away from gals who basically just get "hot for soldier" and aren't mature enough to understand how much hurt you've gone through and live with.
You made a rotten choice in life. You volunteered to go to a pointless war, and it chewed you up. But you're alive, and much more functional than many, and now you have, I hope, the painfully earned maturity to begin to understand that hookups may not be what you need.
Instead of worrying about satisfying a date, try to build a relationship with someone who has the maturity to be willing to take on what will never be an easy life. Find someone willing to go for love and not just easy thrills and the boasting later that "I did it with a Marine last night."
7
Sending love and healing out to all veterans and anyone with PTSD. I'm just asking the question: have you ever tried Reiki? There is Reiki program at the Jesse Brown VA Center in Chicago, and all the veterans who participate feel better and return regularly. It may be an unconventional idea to you, but if it will help, I just want to put it out there. Google Reiki & PTSD.
2
The issue of PTSD raises serious questions: is the
problem all PTSD, is there a risk of misdiagnosis
and does mistreatment make things worse?
First, it is necessary to separate combat injuries from other factors.
Over 45,000 Canadian soldiers deployed to Afghanistan between 2002 and 2014.
There were 143 combat deaths and about 300
serious combat injuries. Canadian combat soldiers
saw lots of action in Kandahar and Helmand Provinces. There were 160 suicides, most were combat soldiers who had to take mefloquine.
Over 20% of the soldiers are disabled. What caused such a high rate non combat related of disability?
The answer can be found in a 2015 medical journal
article by Dr Mary Nettleman MD "Gulf War Illness:
Problems Persist" and a 2007 article by Dr Mark
Rowland Phd, "Why is the U.S. Army still taking mefloquine in Afghanistan?"
In short, mefloquine is neurotoxic and can cause
central nervous system damage. CNS problems
can appear long after soldiers stopped taking mefloquine.
RCAF and USAF members were banned from taking
mefloquine.
Soldiers deployed in GW1 and the first year of the
2003 Iraq war had to take mefloquine. Were they informed about adverse effects?
There is much more and it is more complicated than that.
google
nevin mefloquine forensic...note the caveat about
PTSD misdiagnosis.
also
The Sand Beneath Our Feet by BGen Joe Sharpe RCAF...hundreds misdiagnosed mistreated...2002
Chris Chivers NYTimes and the British Library have my research.
1
Jason you may wish to consider using cranial electrotherapy stimulation to treat your PTSD symptoms. There are several on the market and one in particular works transcranially and is an excellent substitute for drugs. A cousin of mine who fought in Iraq uses it and has had great success, without the side effects of drugs.
While reading this excellent essay, I was given pause by the double standard that it so clearly illuminates. Who says that a man always has to be ready for sex anytime a woman wants him to? Think about how different this essay would be if the writer had been a woman on a first date during which a man had invited her back and to his house, taken off his clothes in front of her and expected sex. A woman would have been perfectly comfortable saying, "No. I'm not ready". Perhaps it's time we men rejected the toxic ideas about masculinity that place so much pressure to perform on us and make us ignore our emotions.
20
Very honest and sensitive man that is worth his weight in gold. Dating online can seem like everyone is in heat but
if your on a serious sight then write the truth in what your
looking for. Someone that is maybe like you. There are
women with issues. Some women would rather hold hands
and be together without all the sex. In taking things slow
it might get more comfortable.
2
Jason - thank you for your service, Marine. I wish you the best in dealing with your post-service psych issues and your love life. Also, a modest suggestion from this 64-year-old former Navy lieutenant: Vardenafil, 20 mg.
2
So many of the women I know -- granted, older than the writer -- comment on how most of the men they meet, especially the ones on the dating apps, seem to want mostly/only sex.
As someone else noted, dating sites are not a good fit for everyone at every point in their life.
I have to believe that there are women out there who would love to meet a smart, kind, self-aware, thoughtful man who wants to talk to them before deciding if sex is on the table.
1
Have you considered the new, often effective psycho-therapeutic treatments for PTSD? There are even a few research projects using LSD which might be helpful.
As regards chronic pain, have you considered medical marijuana . . . not the strain the contains THC which causes euphoria . . . but the strain that is high in canabinol which reduces pain.
2
It may help for you to be aware that there are many, many men (and women!) on antidepressants who suffer the same sexual problems. Having been with several men with ED issues all I can say is play to your sensuality and be open about the ED thing. If she can't deal with it so be it. Rest assured it probably won't be the only time she confronts this, in fact, she may have to deal with it herself at some point in her life. These drugs make orgasm difficult or impossible for both sexes. Best wishes.
1
Some day you'll find the right woman, and she'll be everything you ever hoped for.
And just as smart and real as you are.
1
Jason,
You are brave.
I admire your determination and willingness to navigate your way through relationships after trauma.
I wish you well.
Thank you for your service to our country.
1
Thanks so much for this honest article. Like two other commentators, I’m most interested in the specific medicines/approaches prescribed and responses to them. Big Pharma has done a lot of good, but any prescription is only as good as the physician who follows it up...and way too many physicians now are rushed by our dysfunctional medical system into not giving sufficient time and attention to their patients. Patients and doctors get lost, and the drugs win out. Don’t get stuck. Keep working it out. Don’t give up until you solve it in partnership with someone who has the time!
Maybe he wasn't cut out to be a Marine in the first place.
We are told today the civilian work force must work longer into old age because of the cost of entitlements.
This man, a trained, young fighting machine, could not handle a few years as a gunner before his body broke down.
How could he have been a brick layer or auto mechanic into his 40s or 50s?
I'd like to know what is it in the veteran's mind that makes them think when they come home that it is America that has changed so much they don't recognize it and that it is their view that is now the correct one.
As long as this nation continues to be governed by a minority of its citizens we will continue to descend into the ultimate goal of the "America First" crowd; ironically, the destruction of our democracy, as we see with Trump and the GOP able to exploit the weaknesses and counter majoritarian portions in our Constitution.
4
@Paul The first four paragraphs of the above comment, I am sorry to say, are nonsensical and judgmental. The commenter obviously does not have a clue as to what the Marine involved went through, yet applies this lack of knowledge to an assumption about surviving hard work in civilian life. Huh?
The op-ed deals briefly with the disillusionment that many in the military express about their service and how what they saw changed their view of the nation and its objectives. We owe them the curtesy of listening to or reading carefully what they have to say. If nothing else, they've certainly earned that.
2
@Paul
You must be out of touch with the current war experiences of our Marines in Iran and Afghanistan to say the writer is not
"cut out" to be a Marine. Their experiences are far worse than Viet Nam and Korea. The method of engagement is different. There are no "zones" for R&R like Viet Nam- these Marines are in combat, hand to hand,and as a gunner on top of roofs sometimes for 10-12 hours without air support because of civilians- children- who are present and aiding in the fight. Clearly, the duration of this war demonstrates it is much more difficult than anyone understood. Our brave Marines went in first and without sufficient planning by our government. The writer is just one of hundreds of Marines who are suffering from "their war". His bravery is unparalleled.
5
@Paul - I’m having a little trouble following you here, Paul, but your first sentence about not being “cut out to be a Marine” strikes me as the height of insensitivity. Who is “cut out” to be a trained killer of other human beings? To do that, I imagine, one has to tamp down a lot of feelings - fear, horror, guilt, anger, sorrow. Those feelings don’t evaporate, they just go underground, only to resurface as PTSD. It is a physically demanding job as well, and this man’s back suffered ill effects.
It is my understanding that when a lot of vets come home and try to return to their former lives, it is incredibly difficult. They have become accustomed to the constant flow of stress hormones that war causes their bodies to produce. The closeness with other soldiers cannot be replicated in civilian life. They feel alienated because those who have not been over there cannot possibly understand what they experienced. It is a tremendous adjustment. Their view is their subjective reality - there’s not a right or wrong view.
I don’t see your comment as helpful to this lovely man who opened up publically and shared about his current struggle.
3
Jason,
Thank-you for your bravery in serving our country and in sharing such a personal essay. I, too, agree with commenters that dating Web sites may not be the best way to meet women who are interested in getting to know a man before intimacy.
I believe there is a wonderful woman out there for you that will understand all that you have gone through and appreciate and love you for it.
23
Thank you for sharing this essay and for being vulnerable enough to let your readers in. In talking with my therapist last week, we discussed how my generation, millennial, is at pivotal point in which life is starting to lack meaning. With technological developments and social media as smoke screen to hide who we actually are, genuine relationships have no chance of being developed.
Don't ever think it's you or that you have to alter who you are to fit well with someone. At the end of the day, a person who is whole-heartedly interested in you will not care a whole lot about your libido. Trust me, some people want to stimulated intellectually before being stimulated physically.
29
@C A Byrd-Tucker in the olden days we got to know people we might want to be in a relationship by doing stuff together in a casual way. Maybe it was organizing something, volunteering or serving on a committee or sharing a sport or simply being neighbors who chatted a lot in passing. Dating was always hard. Be kind to yourself. You're doing better than you think.
2
@C A Byrd-Tucker I'm amazed these days too. But that's what Tinder is all about. Nothing wrong with it between consenting adults. But many people, frankly, get creeped out by the second date. We are in a world where even calling someone on the phone is a borderline trigger situation.
1
Thank you for this essay. I don't know much about PTSD, or about your medications (again, I thank you for the education), but I did want to offer this about relationships:
Time is your friend in relationships. We all come to our relationships with the package of who we are at the moment. Some packages have more complications, others less. Still, we all have our package. If you take the time to get to know someone, they will be better able to see you, and the particular package that you bring to the table, and you will be able to see them. The person who truly sees you and loves you, who is the right person for you, that person will be willing to work with who you are, as you will with them. It can take time to reach that point with another human being, so I encourage you to allow that for yourself. I wish you all the best, and please keep writing!
28
There is nothing I can say that will take away all the kinds of pain that you are going through. But I believe you will find relief, serenity, and love. Thank you for your vulnerability, both in your service to your country and to those who might be struggling with the same issues and find a way to healing through your words.
13
Thank you, Jason, for a beautifully written essay. You have helped educate me more about PTSD. I wish there was a magic potion to eradicate the syndrome completely.
Down the street from me here in Eugene is a new regional VA medical clinic. As I see vets coming and going every day, I often wonder about their stories. You've reminded me that a veteran who otherwise seems OK physically may be hurting in unseen ways.
I wish only the best for you. Please keep writing!
24
One lesson this soldier has not forgotten is courage, not only to fight, but to be honest about what one is fighting, and what for. We are programmed to survive, but not necessarily to kill on command. And these create deep conflicts and psychological scars. And hope of recovery must begin with courage and honest. Our best wishes, both for your service, and your recovery and assimilation in society.
35
Thanks for sharing this, Jason. I really appreciate your perspective in knowing I'm not alone. PTSD definitely makes dating difficult, and not just apropos ED caused by a cocktail of drugs; PTSD makes everything difficult. It's affected all of my personal and professional relationships for the worse.
I understand, though, how it feels when you take medication(s), whose side-effects are worse than the symptoms you're suffering from. I took an SSRI for my depression and anxiety (itself related to PTSD); the medication that was supposed to treat those illnesses made my PTSD worse. I was even more irritable, scared, lonely than I had been before and am now without it. I know what it's like to not have slept well in years; I know what it's like to wake up drenched in a cold sweat; I know what it's like to be blitzed with flashbacks, the kind that stun you and steal your focus from what surrounds you, pulling you back into moments of extreme violence and cruelty.
I'm glad that dating has been somewhat helpful for you; I know, too, how anxiety-provoking it can be, too, though, especially when you feel like your date or your partner doesn't understand. Where we differ is the principle cause (sort of) for our experience; my traumatic experiences were not based in combat. I'm not blaming you--I don't know if I should blame anyone--but support networks for those who haven't been in combat or assaulted is non-existent.
I hope you can find hope and healing. I'm still searching.
25
Wonderful essay. My brother served in Iraq and he came back forever changed. The lingering emotional strains and repercussions of war are too often overlooked by our society. I wish we did better by the men and women who serve.
As a mother of four boys I wish there were more men like you who were strong enough to share their vulnerabilities and experiences with others rather than hiding behind a mask of false strength. I am going to save your essay, so someday when my boys are old enough and might need to read it they can. You will have touched and helped more men than you can possibly know.
And you sound like a prize, by the way... don’t give up and keep looking. Frankly, this essay alone would be enough to make any good single woman very interested.
75
@SkL
I think the author just had bad luck in finding someone who just wanted to have a little fling. He certainly sounds like someone that many thoughtful and caring women would love to meet. If I were younger...
1
Thank you so much for your willingness to share intimate details about creating a life for yourself after risking your life and facing the trauma of combat. I teach and train counselors who work with people with disabilities, so your article is going in to my training on Chronic Pain. Thank you.
I will make a suggestion, please forgive me if I am being insensitive in any way.
There are many things you can do with your partner to please her while your Viagra takes effect. I know negotiating these things with a partner can take the spontaneity out of intimacy. As risky as it can be, you sound able to talk about these details because you have spent time working on yourself, and you sound committed to your recovery (as I am to mine).
Not everyone will know how to handle your openness and self-knowledge. That can be a sign that this person isn't quite ready for the honesty and maturity you may be looking for. Please remember that is about them, not you. There's no judgment either way, and it's okay for you to want and need what you want and need.
When I realized my mental health and trauma-related issues were going to effect my intimate relationships for the rest of my life, I decided to be gentle with myself, and not to settle for relationships when I felt unsafe or at risk. I don't know if that resonates with you, I just know it works for me.
Taking your time with love making is not such a bad thing. There are plenty of women out there who would love a man to do just that.
49
@A. H. Pfohl In addition to delving into other forms of intimacy that will please a partner (there is more than one tool in the tool box), one wonders about the age/maturity of selected online dating partners. If there is a significant age difference, which sometimes seems to be the preference (i.e., for men to couple with much younger women), one potential option might be to consider including potential partners up the age gap continuum. Age and experience can be value added.
5
The organization I raise puppies for trains service dogs for veterans with PTSD. The dogs can have an incredible effect in many ways, including boosting confidence, alleviating loneliness, and perhaps even lessening dependence on medications. And as every guy knows, dogs are chick magnets. They don't ride motorcycles too well, but maybe one of these dogs would be right for you.
25
@John B
I am a vet who fostered dogs for many years after I returned and they helped me in many ways. Finding homes for them and seeing them have a permanent place with a family gave me a connection to people I had trouble with otherwise. Thank you for what you do to connect people with dogs, it's fantastic.
I am not sure about the motorcycle/dog thing though, check out Chopper the biker dog.
5
@John B Love this suggestion!
This is a wonderful essay about a rarely told problem for our vets.
It takes a lot of courage to write about sexual dysfunction, PTSD, the medications prescribed and the emotional toll.
40
As a Marine vet who deployed as well, thank you for the essay. Some of us who are hurt suffer in the intimacy department, and that's never been an easy area to ask for sympathy and patience from others in the first place.
I love that the illustration with this article is also by a Marine vet, the Terminal Lance himself. Great article.
43
@BooBear If it is by him then they spelled his name wrong. I hope they correct it.
Thanks for sharing -- you write beautifully. I am quite sure there is the perfect woman out there you, and I pray you find her.
We all have wounds, some more than others. Yours are nobly won, and you will have a lot of people pulling for you -- not everyone perhaps, but all the decent ones.
58
thank you for your service and thank you for sharing your story.
i would recommend a look into plant-based medicines...
*always remember diet and exercise*
and that could include plant supplements and mental exercises like meditation. i recently read through the work of levine and van der kolk, highly recommended for approaches that actually work. my studies suggest that a good exercise for anxiety/depression and stress, even traumatic stress happens to be humor. so don't feel bad if you spend many hours watching/listening to a bunch of funny stories. it really may help.
and maybe you can take a date to a comedy club :)
<3
15
@ev overhill And here's the usual "cure your mental illness with veganism and exercise..."
I am happy for you because it tells me that you have never experience serious, real mental illness. You simply cannot yoga yourself out of it. Could you cure leukemia with exercise and diet? Most mental illnesses cannot either. Some of us need medication to survive. Denying this is simply ignorant and insensitive.
Dryly funny, compelling, and serious. Never stop writing.
67
Jason, don’t take a whole pill...
20
Thank you for writing with such incredible honesty. You will definitely help others by being so open.
52
Thank you for sharing this essay.
I’m so sorry that you’re struggling with both the physical & psychological effects of your service. I’m also sorry you’re suffering from the iatrogenic complications of treatment for your illnesses.
Thank you for your bravery in telling this very personal story. I hope that sharing it helps you in more ways that one.
Perhaps a potential date will find this article online before you meet up. While it may lead some to “pass” upfront, those people were truly never going to be the ones to understand & support you through these challenges.
Thank you for helping to educate the public. Too few individuals are aware of the sexual side effects of many medications & medical conditions in both men & women.
Physicians (including psychiatrists) are not always incredibly helpful on this point. Many (if not most) probably fail outright about side effects of meds, especially new ones.
When doctors don’t ask about sexual side effects in particular, they fail those patients that are too embarrassed, ashamed, etc. to bring up these problems (especially with physicians of the opposite gender)!
Keep up your wonderful work & the “good fight” on all fronts. I’m sure you’re aware that your choice of dating sites & locations of early dates MAY affect others’ expectations about how quickly things may proceed sex-wise & MAY help- though by no means are they panaceas.
All the very best to you.
24
Jason-
My heart goes out to you. You WILL find someone who truly understands PTSD and all of your "special needs" and who will actually respect and love you more for all of this. PTSD is hard for people to understand, even for me as someone who suffers from PTSD. Amendment-i understand it fully for a Marine but not for myself as a civilian bodily harm accident victim regardless how devastating. I find it hard to accept that I have this when there are heros like you who have been through real stuff. But the Lim is system ....... You will find an empathetic, caring person- and you will grow and better manage your difficulties in the process. The best relationships have healing elements. As a <arine, I can't even imagine what you're dealing with. But what you seek is seeking you- and this example is of someone who isn't whom you seek. I hope the NYT will update us! Prayers for you and - just wait- your eventual partner will be amazing beyond your hopes. Will look for you in the 'weddings' columns :)
15
Beautifully written; thank you.
17
Jason, great essay. Just letting you know that we women have the same issues, at least regarding sex.
38
Just more destroyed kids to placate corporations and politicians’ machismo. I used to wonder when it would end. Then I grew up.
23
Jason, there are plenty of women who will take the time to know your heart and mind before expecting sex. But they may not be on Tinder, where instant gratification is the point for most users.
You're courageous, smart, and articulate. I hope you will take seriously the idea of writing more about the horrors of war and how our politicians are breaking generations of young people, over and over. That, in my mind, could be your most heroic act.
Peace to you. You will find someone to love and be loved by as long as you never give up. You deserve it.
120
@Christine
That was my thought as well, that Tinder, where there is the expectation of sex after the first meet, might not be the most appropriate place for him to be looking for meaningful dates.
As a physician, I have three comments:
1. There is no single medication that is the best for the treatment of PTSD and although he doesn't name the medication he is taking for it, I sense it might be an SSRI.
As there are multiple medications in this class and although they all can potentially affect sexual function, there is a great deal of variability regarding this from person to person so he might try another one.
2. There are also multiple erectile dysfunction drugs and when they need to be taken for sexual function varies so if Viagra doesn't work well for him, another may work better.
3. As far as medications chasing medications, this is common in medicine. Many patients taking chemotherapy also take medications for nausea and vomiting and there are many similar examples. The good thing is that there are medications to treat the side-effects of necessary medications. There has never been a medication discovered or created that is side-effect free.
62
"There has never been a medication discovered or created that is side-effect free."
Of course, but there's a big difference between side effects that are severe enough to require a chaser medication versus something that is mildly irritating or inconvenient.
But good job on pushing those pills, Doc.
Thank you for your essay. My husband is a Vietnam combat veteran with severe and unrelenting PTSD. He could have written the same essay. It's a difficult life for him and anyone close to him. War is only destructive and achieves nothing.
107
@Deborah
How do we get young men to realize your last sentence? I wonder whether a great start would be to raise the enlistment age from 17 to 30. Old men should not be sending young men, whose brains have not fully formed, to war!
1
Jason -
What an authentic, thoughtful and excellently written essay.
What I most appreciate is the deep feeling and raw honesty that you have shared with us. As a psychotherapist in training, your words and experiences rung especially true for me. Very touching, indeed.
You have a marvelous way with words and I intuit that your sense of humor adds meaning and joy to your life, despite the clear difficulties and challenges you face.
You have likely already thought about this, but with regard to being "good to go" at times convenient and inconvenient, it might be worth a discussion with your doctor to switch to another ED medication, such as Cialis. It facilitates being "good to go" at almost anytime for up to 48 hours, or so.
I wish you well and am very grateful to have read your essay.
129
hang in there, buddy. you have been through so much. give yourself time. i know you will find someone who can appreciate you as you are--how can be patient and kind--there for you and gentle. when you find her she will walk your path with you. peace--and thank you for your service!
4