I don't see anything wrong in recounting the ways in which a person touched your life when they have passed away. It's a matter of humility. My old cleaning lady died recently; I spoke at her service of her dedication, her friendship, her generosity, her inventiveness. I relied on her help, and I loved her. I spoke of her, not me. Yes, I suppose I started with "she worked for me," but I didn't leave it at that. That's the difference.
27
I would like to make clear that I never knew John McCain. John McCain was not my friend. I once nearly knocked down his mother on a sidewalk near the Republican National Committee building about 11 years ago, but that's because neither of us were paying the slightest attention to our surroundings. I'm very glad Roberta McCain is still alive and kicking at 106. I'd like to think I had a little something to do with that.
28
I get it, I do.
But I have never heard or read any eulogy worth its name that didn't have at its core the eulogizer's own experience with and appreciation of the person being eulogized.
48
"Does anyone want to share any thoughts or remembrances?"
I heard these words in Church as a kid in the 70's at a memorial service. We didn't have selfies then. And Trump wasn't President.
But we- those left behind- wanted to remember and spread the love and joy we had for the deceased. And the only way to do it was to include how WE were touched by them.
To do this, we had to say "I" a number of times.
I think Mr. Bruni is confusing an obituary or appreciation with a remembrance.
One calls for a recounting of a life, the other asks for personal moments.
37
"The New York Review of Books", November 25, 1965, published an essay, "Dashiell Hammett: A Memoir". The author, playwright Lillian Hellman wrote about her long-time companion: "For years we made jokes about the day I would write about him . . . I would say I wanted to get everything straight for the days after his death when I would write his biography and he would say that I was not to bother writing his biography because it would turn out to the the history of Lillian Hellman with an occasional reference to a friend called Hammett." Nothing new under the sun. Only the names change.
22
I'm a little more concerned (worried) that there are children of those seeking asylum in our country who are still in isolation, still caged, and have no idea when they will be reunited with their moms and dads. Ok with John McCain, but what about those kids?
Here's our life right now: lie, tweet, golf, tv, tweet, golf, tv, hate-speak, lie, bone spurs, lie again, hate and lies in the tweet...wash, rinse, repeat. "I like people who weren't captured..."
I like people who don't cage people.
17
The body was barely cold and they were picking at the carcass
like it was road kill. Whether it was GOP candidates for his office in AZ. or a seated U.S. Preisdent, the lack of decorum and essential dignity on display is truly appalling.
12
I know this article is mostly about McCain and Trump, but Neal Schon sounds like a first class jerk. Sad.
4
Thank you SO much for this column today. So true.
And yet, in the comments, so many , my god it is disheartening.
Even some of the ones who start with "great column, needs to be said , etc" digress into" although .... I'm not sure ... on & on and so forth. Seeming to be unable to say "Ya- good comment. I recognize that in myself".
I don't know the proper word for it even. It has gone beyond Narcissism it seems.
How about "Rest in Peace Mr. McCain, I hardly knew Ya" ?
2
Entertainers need to self promote. They need to pump air in their own balloons to be noticed and stay relevant. When Americans hired an entertainer for their president, all of the years of Trump blowing himself up wasn’t going to stop. Putting Madonna in the same class as Trump isn’t fair and is letting us all off the hook. We elected a self promoting, un-funny Don Rickles as leader of the free world.
3
You forgot to mention the ultimate narcissist, Donald Trump, who refused to do more than tweet a two-sentence reference to McCain's passing, then had the White House flag raised to full staff - thus making it all about him and his butthurt reaction to McCain and his "disloyalty."
7
Have been waiting a long time to encounter an essay on this syndrome. Thank you, Frank! Far overwhelming the opioid epidemic in this country is the Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder epidemic, a sort of metastatic malignancy sprouting from Narcissism. Is it possible, do you think, that where extremely narcissistic personalities (particularly celebrities) deliver eulogies that they are aggrieved at being temporarily upstaged, at having to endure the hour or day during which the spotlight is on someone else?
By the way, the best ‘eulogy’ I have ever read was written by John Steinbeck, about his Cannery Row friend and mentor Ed Ricketts, entitled “About Ed Ricketts.” It is usually published as a sort of preface in Steinbeck’s “The Log from the Sea of Cortez.”
27
Tell us about YOU, Frank.
1
Interesting article on a topic that hits home to us all. Sometimes it takes an outsider to make us conscious of our behaviors.
I think back to Mr. Bruni’s column about his eyesight problems. Reflecting on my mother’s eye problems , I commented about how thus similar medical issue affected me. My apologies to you Mr Bruni and to my mother. It ain’t about me!
3
Thank you for this. Insightful and accurate. And you didn't even need to mention Trump's disgraceful behavior.
Let's hope you prod some of us to rethink our manner of condolence.
8
When I attend a funeral, particularly of a family member, I share with those who are grieving things I loved, respected and admired about the deceased, what I will remember most about their loved one, how he or she influenced me in the best of ways.
I teach in a high school and I feel like a field explorer observing adolescent behavior as it is so foreign to me. The cell phone is a third appendage and the students spend a good portion of the school day posing for selfies and sharing them. They are the center of their own universes.
I was in college in 1968 and I don't recall rampant narcissism. We were being deluged with events much larger than ourselves - the assassinations of Robert Kennedy and Martin Luther King, the Civil Rights movement, the Women's movement and of course, the Vietnam War.
A young lady at the school in which I work remarked that if she goes to a party but she doesn't take a selfie, it is as if she did not attend the party. Branding of the self becomes the only reality. This distancing results in less empathy and less humility.
Trump is the polar opposite of McCain. After McCain's involvement in the Keating Five, he redeemed himself in public service. Trump is incapable of feeling shame. McCain lived with integrity and humility. While Trump yelled Lock Her Up, McCain corrected a woman who referred to Obama as an Arab.
If we are the center of our own universes, the world becomes smaller and so do we.
Rest in Peace Senator McCain.
12
Amen Frank. I will be glad when narcissism is no longer in vogue.
Trends come and trends go. Hopefully the Trend of Trump will go next.
6
@Jean: Narcissism comes and goes. Mozart was buried in a Potter's field because that how Viennese were interred at the time, all equal in death.
The "personal PR" happening in public grieving is not limited to celebrity deaths. I have observed this trend on social media when community members pass away (say, a college classmate or a law school professor) or when a tragedy occurs. Everyone, it seems, pays tribute by noting how close they were to the deceased or explaining how the tragedy impacts them personally. Some of it is clearly attention-seeking, some of it may be an earnest reflection of someone's feelings in real time.
1
I disagree. Expressing your connection to the person who has died is a way of grieving. You are expressing feelings of loss: I felt a connection to this person, and will miss him or her.
These anecdotes, similar to those told at a funeral, also help to capture and memorialize the person who has died. At one funeral I attended, for a successful, endearing but stubborn man, one of his kids related how, when teaching her to drive, he told her to "always be confident, because then people will get out of your way."
About her, yes. But also captured the essence of him, demonstrated the strength of their relationship (he took time from his busy schedule to teach his daughter to drive), and said, "I will miss him."
Some people are narcissists, but most tell these stories for reasons other than to aggrandize themselves.
2
Funny that most of these comments on narcissism start with 'I believe' or 'when I...' etc. But, while we're on the subject: I wonder if our obsession with the self/reality show characterization/memoir/facebook, has to do with the way we relate to each other since the internet.
Since the rising importance of multi-tasking, it seems we do a lot more things with a lot less value. If 'easy' is the new 'happy', the easiest conversation to make is about one's own self or somebody else. Who was it that once said it's easiest to talk about people, interesting to talk about problems, and great to talk about solutions to problems with people?
Bruni does a great job pointing out the problem with people, but what do we do about our increasing lack of concentration outside the self?
2
@Coles Lee, life is a shared experience. Dying is lonely.
To some degree isn't this about laying claim to the right to grieve--to assuming the authority to speak about someone who is now gone? Four years ago, when my father died, my sister decided that I should deliver a eulogy at his memorial service. While I'm comfortable writing--and writing about a subject under pressure--I hadn't before written a eulogy, much less for my own parent. My first draft was composed in the dark of night in a hotel room, half-way between my home in Georgia and my hometown in Pennsylvania. When I woke up the next morning and looked at it, I realized that what I'd written was all about me (as this comment is...), and MY relationship to my father, as if I'd needed to validate my right to eulogize him. Luckily, I caught myself before it was too late, and rewrote the eulogy, focusing on my father's life. Of course, my siblings would have quite rightly been unsettled by that first draft, but I do understand the impulse to write about ourselves:
narcissists or no, we are all the centers of our own universe.
4
Well said! And the blame squarely lies with social media as a "narcissism multiplier."
[Change by-line to any subject]... I was reading your opinion...
3
This would have carried more weight if it weren't followed with links to your Twitter handle, Facebook address, and mention of your publishing success.
5
Trump is a narcissist, almost to the exclusion of any other personality traits. John McCain was not. Trump is a serial liar. John McCain was a serial truth-teller. John McCain served his country his entire life. Donald Trump has served only his own selfish interests his entire life. The most recent polls show Trump’s approval ratings among Republicans to be above 80%. John McCain’s approval rating among Republicans? 36%.
9
It is Donald Trump's ignorant immature imnoral inherent innate intemperate insecurity rather his narcissism that threatens the survival of our divided limited power constitutional republic of united states where the people are the ultimate sovereign.
While Trump reflects the moral depravity of the Roman Empire Tiberius, Caligula and Nero, they were the result of malign divine royal sanction selection. But Trump was elected by the votes of 63 million Americans along with assistance from Julian Assange, James Comey, Benjamin Netanyahu and Vladimir Putin.
Trump is a petulant cruel selfish dotard by nature and nurture. Yet he is only an infectious symptom of the rot at the root of the American Empire. Look in your mirror for your foe and friend.
4
So many times I've wanted to stand up at memorial services and interrupt with, it's not about you, have you no manners?
3
A favorite anecdote about narcissism involves a princess remarking to one of her attendants while fussing before a mirror; 'enough about me, what do you think about my hair'?
The recent weekend of cable TV news reporters interviewing each other about their Senator McCain experiences, except for the select few like Tom Brokaw, began to feel like an endless serving of compulsory platitudes. They did however devote a large segment of commercial free programming respectfully paying tribute to the Senator (CNN and MSNBC).
2
@Solar Farmer, Drug ads are less credible when they appear as commercial interruptions of funerals.
Literally everyone has been affected in some way by this one man. It's a phenomena all are qualified to comment upon.
Frank, as an old person from India, all I can say is, I am glad you are here. I am glad you write and keep us all regaled or informed about this or that. The literary world is blessed because of you and so are we, the readers of your thoughts and feelings.
2
I guess the best word to describe me is "I am a pacifist." I do not understand the mentality of individuals, mostly males who believe that it is a badge of honor. I don't get it. But I do respect those who engage in such action. It does benefit all of us that some believe they are called to serve.
I respect John McCain for what he has done. I may not agree with some of those decisions, but he was doing what he felt was the best for the country at the time. Donald Trump is another story completely. He is a grifter, the Grifter-in-Chief I would add, and needs to be.......I am not sure as I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I do know we need to vote in November.
5
The Celebrity culture, which has been heightened by social media, has taken narcissism to a new level. How sad are the lives of people in our country that they have to live vicariously through the megalomaniacs and narcissists who have enriched themselves by rising to celebrity status. Even now, in the age of Trump, cable news and social media are promoting more celebrities as an alternative to him. All of us want to feel like we matter even though society is telling us we don't. To what lengths are people willing to go to have a following of YouTube or Twitter? Until the majority of us realize it is all smoke and mirrors and many of these so called celebrities are empty vessels we will continue to be manipulated and ultimately disappointed.
2
I submit that "social media" is a great sleeper of an oxymoron, mostly unacknowledged but right up there with 'military intelligence,' 'non-working mother,' and 'jumbo shrimp'!!
2
You were discreet in not mentioning the former President who sounded almost as self involved as he compared himself to Senator McCain as Madonna sounded comparing herself with the Queen of Soul. Let's hope the non-mentioned former President does better when he deliver one of the eulogizes for the late Senator this coming weekend.
The worst thing about losing a person you love is that they won't be calling for a chat any more. That's why I feel for Mr McCain's family and friends. I never knew him except as a figure in the news. But he was loved. That matters more than anything else.
2
This essay by Frank is more valuable than a doctoral dissertation.
Substance A+
Expression A+
Timeliness A+
Educational Value A+
Reader's Enrichment A+
In short: Perfect.
I have a compulsive talker who is a narcissist in the family. No matter what you say, it comes back to her and she controls the conversation with her onslaught of words. After a while, you the participant cease to exist. On a micro scale this reflects the macro. If civil society is to exist we must walk away from the narcissists and join those who can see and appreciate the us. As us, we can establish healthy balanced rewarding groups that merge to become a society. Rewarding a narcissist with control is self destructive at any level.
3
Eulogy: "a speech or writing in praise of a person or thing, especially a set oration in honor of a deceased person". Like someone else commented here, it is about the deceased. You can add something personal to the eulogy but do not make the mistake to do an entire eulogy about yourself. Start with the deceased, continue with the deceased and for the end add a little anecdote about that person and you. I think that is what Mr. Bruni is referring. It will be silly to think that the purpose of the column is not to talk about a person who just passed away, but do it with humility and try not to fall in the ego side of your brain. And of course, He has to mention Trump and Madonna because they are the most recent figures who felt to their side of their ego big time.
How pitiful Trump’s insatiable need for attention is. He will never be satisfied/gratified. The truly unfortunate thing is his pathology has been cast upon us.
Frank; let's not pretend: life is about "me" for each of us, it is absorbed thru the lenses of one's own eyes. I have ran a statistical analysis on your last 7 articles (for the sake of time) - you on average use "I" 28 times in each of them. So, let's not degrade to hypocrisy here, eh? Dixi.
There are plenty of people who are fans of John McCain who also voted for Donald Trump.
They want to pretend the president doesn't affect our daily habits or reflect who we are, his twitter is just noise, that Trump should be ignored in honor of McCain.
It doesn't work that way. And it does a disservice to us all to pretend what is isn't to commemorate a true American War hero. Or not a hero, because Trump prefers the soldiers who weren't captured.
1
The article explains what I fear is becoming part of the national character of Americans. Narcissists have always existed, but now they have a microphone and larger audience to play to. I keep reading the tributes to Senator McCain - all well deserved and all different. Like most things you have to consider who the tribute is coming from. That said, though I know Obama's heart was in the right place, my initial reaction to his message was that he somehow managed to put himself in the statement and in the same league with McCain. Trump's roll out and statementS were an abomination- but consider the source and Geo Bush was gracious
1
Human nature at its worst I suppose.
John McCain was the most recognizable soldier
of the Vietnam War. His death reminds many of those very difficult times, the deaths of so many and the ruined lives. Can you be against the war yet support the soldiers? Can you be for the war and yet support the right to protest? The country was being torn apart.
Today as the McCain era ends we again as a country are being torn apart. McCain saw this,
was frustrated by this and asked the Senate and us as a country to find our better selves.
I doubt we will as discord and hate rule from atop.
40
Facebook: Everything relates to me, where I've gone, what I've seen and done. Someone posts about the most remote, hard to get to spot on the planet aside from the summit of Mt.Everest and the comments that are posted run from "when I was there..." to "my 90 year old uncle" also sailed there, climbed there, ran up that mountain, built a cabin there. Did you try such and such restaurant?
Life is a competition, a constant effort to relate how the famous, the well known and the far off are actually part of your life. This once was called name dropping, now it is name checking on facebook and other platforms. Vacations are not opportunities to disconnect and enjoy places and scenes far away from your everyday experiences, they are a chance to one-up your neighbors, relatives and cyber-friends. And...you've got a photo to prove it.
The eulogy for a famous person that comes down to "what she meant to me" is obnoxious unless it is carried off with great skill, humor or even self effacement. What most often happens is the person speaking tries, one last time, to show the world he had a connection with someone famous that was far greater, far more important than anyone else knew. It is boasting at a most inappropriate time. When I hear that, I was to tell the person speaking: If that's all you can come up with, please sit down and be quiet.
3
I'm not sure I agree with all of what Mr. Bruni says. I read a sweet anecdote this morning about someone who chanced to be in a Capitol elevator with John McCain, and his recap of their scant minutes together was endearing -- and gave me new insight into the senator. I thought it was generous of the writer to share his single, brief, first-person memory of this man with whom none of our lives will ever again intersect.
But I do agree that social media has turned death into a rather disgusting public spectacle of real and ersatz mourning. It's not necessary (or particularly tasteful) for everyone to weigh in on everything all the time. I often feel that people are coat-tailing on the newly deceased to inflate their own profiles or self-importance.
But mostly, I wonder how and/or why the news of someone's death engenders in an authentically grief-stricken individual the impulse to Tweet. In my own experience, the loss of a someone I hold dear, or the loss of a someone whose work I hold dear, doesn't prompt my dashing to the nearest mobile device.
241
Dara ...I would like to know about the McCain anecdote you're referring to.
@D Price
"It's not necessary (or particularly tasteful) for everyone to weigh in on everything all the time..."
Well, you're getting in your two cents, why not the people on social media?
1
While I get the point of the article, I'm not sure that I entirely agree. There is a long tradition at funerals of sharing personal interactions with the deceased. I'm not sure that is so much an expression of narcissim as it is the expression of a memory in context that celebrates the deceased.
Bruni is onto something though. Perhaps a better title might be "Narcissim in the Age of Narcissism." The current narcissitic prediliction is so prevalent. I'm not sure that I can count the number of posts on social media where comments pivot or downright ignore the original post and the commentator absconds the platform to sing praises of themselves or their own activities. Intellectual curiousity in the activities and lives of others has generally fallen out of favor, replaced by the need to bring attention to the self. How else can you explain the popularity of the photo post of breakfast, or appetizers, or the lovely bottle of wine I am sharing with my BFF? Why would anyone ever care what I had for breakfast, and why would I ever feel compelled to bring it to your attention?
45
@M. Downey.
Aside from anything else, in this the Age of Narcissim, created and nurtured by the Supreme narcissist, we are fostering a model for today’s young people which makes narcissism, bluff and bragging the norm and modesty a social handicap.
1
You hit it on the head when you said that Donald Trump suffers from “megalomania.” It’s currently called Narcissistic Personalities Disorder (NPD) by the American Psychiatric Association. It’s an anti-social mental illness that accounts for just about everything Donald Trump does or says. With major narcissists like Madonna or Trump “It’s all about me” 24/7. Everything revolves around them and how great they like the new trade deal with Mexico. You must be totally loyal, that is subservient, or else you’re a “rat” like Michael Cohen or “not a hero “ like John McCain. Another major characteristic of NPD is a total lack of empathy also seen in Trump’s inability to console the Gold Star widow of a fallen Green Beret or to the McCain family. The biggest failure of the media and the mental health community is their collective unwillingness to confront the “clear and present danger” of having a mentally ill President.
8
Yet, when I write out a sympathy card, I always include stories of the person who died, to remember a kindness or an influence or simply a good conversation. In that anecdote, I sometimes have to include myself or a third person. It is to give a memory to those left behind.
What a powerful statement it is that so many people have stories about conversations they had with John McCain. How many people in his position touched and reached out to so many "just fellow Americans?" It speaks volumes to his character. It is not necessarily self-aggrandizement of the story-teller.
But I do agree it takes thought and self-editing to do it well. Madonna could have used a whole lot of restraint and would have gotten her point across.
274
@Currents I think the difference when you include a personal anecdote in a sympathy card is that you are writing personally to the family of the person - not writing a public statement for the whole world to see and (presumably) admire you for.
5
As someone who lost a child, I appreciate your comments about the sympathy cards and anecdotes. Those are the ones that mean the most. xo
@Currents
5
@Currents: After Ed Koch died, so many New Yorkers commented about encounters they'd had with the mayor that the Times ran a long story about it. Koch was always out and about in the city, shaking people's hands and asking, "How am I doing?" Some of the stories were heartwarming and/or hilarious. All were enjoyable to read.
28
I agree 100% with Bruni's sentiments.
However, when writing to the deceased’s family, they often will not know me or my husband (as retirees, we are our second post-professional location, neither of which is near our original home.
Going forward, we'll just try to keep the description of our connection to the deceased to a minimum.
1
Grief is about identifying with those we have lost and are missing, and recounting our ties. Its expression cannot exist separately from memories of precious interactions, associations, encounters. I think your piece is being far too harrumph-y. Chill.
5
People need to establish our position or connection to or lack thereof to the person in the spotlight, pundits do it almost with every column they write. Like with everything there is a line not to cross into self promotion and self importance. Today we live in the culture of "me" not "we" and yes social media has been a major contributor to this.
6
I agree that remembering others without intruding oneself is a fine line. However noting a connection to the remembered person provides the status to reflect. It is then personal because of the connection and not merely a political necessity.
12
Reading this, I was reminded of a brief scene early in the movie Lawrence of Arabia. If I recall it correctly, two people, at least one of whom was a British officer, were discussing Lawrence and a British soldier who overheard them took umbrage with what they were saying. The soldier was asked if he knew Lawrence, and he said 'no', but added that 'I shook his hand'. It was said with pride; that simple action of shaking hands clearly meant a great deal to that soldier. That scene touches me every time I see it.
Later in the movie the handshake is revealed. Lawrence has returned to Cairo in between his desert campaigns. By now Lawrence has gained a reputation, an aura, if you will. The soldier, not an officer, asked Lawrence, an officer, if he could shake his hand. Lawrence obliged. The soldier beamed. The smallest of connections was made, but it was significant.
So what does this have to do with this column? Well, when the soldier said 'I shook his hand' he did not embellish it by saying 'it changed my life', or 'it helped me become the man I am now'. It was just a simple expression of a humble, personal connection that was important enough to make the soldier attend the funeral out of respect.
Did the soldier convey this story to show Lawrence's impact on him? Yes. Did he try to draw attention to himself through the story? No; he was too humble and respectful. We need more of that today, and not just when talking about someone's passing.
15
Well said!
2
No wonder Steve Perry won't sing with him.
3
So instead of really writing about McCain he writes about Trump. The press is nothing but enabling Trump at all levels. If they so revered McCain they would ignore Trump and focus on McCain for a day or two. But they don't do that, they will focus on why Trump doesn't honor McCain instead of just honoring McCain. It's all about Trump and the media feeds this. Just stop already. Stop covering every stupid and petty vindictive move Trump makes. It's not news.
9
But seriously, that's enough about McCain, 8 articles a day since his death is enough. We get it.
Great man, great senator, war hero......et etc
We get it.
4
Bravo, Mr. Bruni. As in so many instances, those who are ahem, immodest, don't lose those feathers even as they memorialize someone's death. The greater the celebrity, the greater the self-reference. No surprise re: Madonna, Trump, and too many others less "famous" in their homage to some departed person, a la Franklin or McCain. Thank you for this.
5
It doesn't matter what starts a war. Once the bodies start piling up, the war continues so the dead shall not have died in vain.
R.I.P, Sky Pilot.
1
The typical American influence-peddler has a whole office full of mementos of meetings with the rich and famous. With the proliferation of cell phones and selfies, there are more influence-peddlers than ever before.
3
A great piece! Thank you. Nothing really new, however. Goes back to at least the time of Jesus, and most likely well before him (say, the prophets he reflected on). The thing is, few believe any of this stuff ... not at the level of the heart. What we’re really good at is justifying ourselves in the disguise of nobility. And we go on to live the life of “fake.” What’s interesting is how popular a new “self-help” book becomes ... “world without end” ... when released and given some advertisement. And we choose political leaders who promise to make us “happy.” I don’t know how much needs to be experienced, but we Americans are marching in the wrong direction for “making America great again” ... if at all. It may be a matter of maturity ... or having authentic courage.
I share this albeit far fetched fantasy about Melania hating Donald enough to secretly cooperate with Mueller and bring him down... the Slovenian immigrant who saves the USA. If she loves Barron, I imagine she doesn’t want him modelling himself after such a hideous man. And, if she is worried about the money she’ll lose because of an iron-clad prenup, I’m sure she’d get much more from a GoFundMe supported by all the Trump haters. Do it Melania!
6
"... journalism ... is in a phase that encourages its practitioners to treat big developments as branding opportunities, carve our own niches in others’ narratives and become characters as well as guides. Doing that without preening is tricky business, and so many of us bungle it that I’m not going to single out anyone in this column. For similar reasons, I’m not going to point fingers at the politicians and aides who pivoted so awkwardly from McCain to their own navels." Maybe this is true, but doesn't this column commit the very fault it's decrying? John McCain's death is the "big development", and this author is using it to 'carve his niche' as someone whose insight and understanding is above the run of the mill journalist?
1
The link to an earlier Arthur Brooks column is quite useful, especially for its reminder of Jean Jacques Rousseau’s distinction between two kinds of self love.
On a related note, when did dying become a free pass to beatification?
5
To blame social media for widespread narcissism is just plain silly.
This is not a new, modern, evil development.
Gossip—mean and vengeful and petty and self-interested gossip, and also kind, sympathetic gossip—has been powering social interactions between people for a long long long time.
Now it’s public. We can read it.
It seems to me, Mr. Bruni, that when you attack Madonna for narcissism, you are gossiping.
Isn’t it fun?
@Deborah I would say there is a difference between saying terrible things about a person, and talking truth about a terrible person. More like the latter in this case...
Spot on Frank! I too have been guilty of this. I think it’s our natural propensity to feel important; to identify with the subject. How can we curb this? Maybe by remembering what you just brought up to all of us.
Here is a quote from The Urantia Book: Pg 554 7:
...But though the work is important, the self is not. When you feel important, you lose energy to the wear and tear of ego dignity so that there is little energy left to do the work. Self-importance, not work importance, exhausts immature creatures; it is the self element that exhausts, not the effort to achieve. You can do important work is you do not become self-important; you can do several things as easily as one if you leave yourself out.
2
Frank - one of your best columns.
2
Trump defends Paul Manafort, a convicted felon, calling him a "good man" who was treated very unfairly and yet cannot find any genuine words commemorating the life of a true American hero who endured torture in a POW camp while Trump was partying at Studio 54, and soothing his bone spurs. A very sad, very small man!
7
@ Janice Badger Nelson - There is a difference in reflecting on how someone of great and noble stature had the grace to find meaningful common experience with so-called "ordinary people, and an individual clamouring publically to stand in the reflected glory of the famous by saying "I'm so cool that this celebrity agreed that I'm so cool by hanging out with me". The former is a tribute. The latter is egotistical. It is touchingly human to feel personal loss because of the death of a public person who touched our private soul.
4
Mr. Bruni, is there a certain number of words that makes a comment about how someone’s life touched mine that automatically turns my comment from heartfelt into narcissistic? Is 20 just right? Have I crossed the line with 30?
4
“ I really don’t care. Do U ? “.
Excellent, Frank.
2
Madonna, Trump, blah, blah, blah. Soon dead and, in the former instance, soon forgotten, and in the latter a memory lingering like a dose of ... well, you get the drift.
We'll always remember Sen. McCain for, if nothing else, his beautifully gracious concession speech in November, 2008.
1
Is it possible to eulogize someone without having met them or had some association with them? That is the whole point of a eulogy. It must be personal otherwise your comments will sound generic and platonic. That is not narcissism, Frank!
2
@DA Mann: My response to your letter: Some time ago, in reading about tributes to FDR, a African American man, watching the train carrying FDR's body from Warm Springs to Hyde Park was observed crying as the train passed. He was asked by a bystander, "Did you know the President? "No I never met him but he knew me".
5
"solipsistic stupor"
Nailed it. You may be the new William F. Buckley Jr. (only a little more to the left).
6
Dear Mr Bruni,
You are one of the few people in the public eye who can write what you do here with real integrity. I heard you interview the president of Wesleyan College at the 92nd St Y a while back. What I remember from that interview is not the college president but your skill in drawing him out and focusing the spotlight on him. I marveled over your non-narcissism--the philosopher Simone Weil would call it sheer attention to the other-- in an age of narcissism.
7
Every now and then, one of those personal anecdotes can be charming and revealing of that deceased person's character. When Roger Moore passed away, I read an article by a young Indian man who, when he was a child, had recognized "James Bond" in an airport and asked for his autograph I will let you Google the story for yourselves but it said so much about Moore's graciousness and tact. However before telling any anecdote about meeting a famous person, ask yourself what it reveals about that person rather than about you.
6
Everyone dies. "So it goes." Most are mourned by their family and friends. Mourning is personal and, for me, private. So let it be with McCain.
1
I immediately thought of the following when I read Mr. Bruni's article. I remember seeing an interview with Paul McCartney and he was asked about The Beatles and their legacy. He responded "They were a pretty good band, weren't they?" If anyone has the right to be a megalomaniac it would be Paul McCartney and if he is, he sure doesn't show it.
8
Andy Warhol said many years ago "In the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes". The future is now and with the rise of social media sites such a Youtube, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and many others people have made it a daily mission to display every moment of their private lives as if they are Hollywood starlets seeking fame and approval.
I left Facebook long ago when I realized that I wasn't posting anything about my life because it wasn't anybody's business but I had to scroll through other people's vacations, parties, opinions unless I stopped following them. I was vey glad I left after the 2016 election showed the propensity of Facebook to sell out this country for profit.
I will miss those that passed away for the contributions that they made to the society I live in but the whole idea of using someone's passing to promote yourself is disgusting. I still remember the Justin Timberlake fiasco at the Superbowl where he had the giant image of Prince projected as he attempted to sing one of his songs. I guess he conveniently forgot all the public spats they had with each other over the years.
6
I have been looking out for someone to regard Obama's statement at the time of McCain's death with the same critical facility that they used to judge Trump or Madonna. Didn't happen here either! "John McCain and I were members of different generations, came from completely different backgrounds, and competed at the highest level of politics. But we shared, for all our differences, a fidelity to something higher-the ideals for which generations of Americans and immigrants alike have fought, marched, and sacrificed. We saw our political battles, even, as a privilege, something noble, an opportunity to serve as stewards of those high ideals at home, and to advance them around the world. We saw this country as a place where anything is possible - and citizenship as our patriotic obligation to ensure it forever remains that way...."
7
@Jeana I'll give President Obama a pass. He is definitely joined with Senator McCain forever as they ran against each other for president. Obviously this was not a brief encounter. What is important is that even as one time foes they could recognize the good in each other. They both represent decent men of integrity unlike you know who.
Excellent column. And I hope one day we come to recognize what social media is doing to our country and the world. We would all be better off is Zuckerberg found something else to engage him at Harvard.
6
@Jeana
You make a salient point -- I like Obama but when I read his tribute I thought, "Oh, Barack, this is not about you." It was also self-aggrandizing and no one called it out in the media because media would be terrified to do so. Period.
1
@amp,
It is not supposed to be about Obama. That is what this column is about! I think using Obama's self serving tribute as an example would have made this piece more interesting, except that maybe all of the comments would have been about Obama vs Trump and it is not supposed to be about that either!
This is not a new phenomenon. The local news have been doing this for decades. When a disaster strikes, a mass shooting occurs or someone notable dies, local news anchors are immediately on TV/radio talking about how it connects to their town - however faint that connection may be. That has always struck me as a bit morbid and self-aggrandizing. Maybe it's something they teach in journalism school or on the job - find the local angle to gain more eyes and ears.
5
@Mark
So true. A plane crash happens in a jungle in a place no one in this country could readily ID on a map, dozens of people from another land die and the media reports on the one American who almost took the flight but didn't.
1
I've lived a pretty remarkable life in that I've crossed paths with quite a few celebrities, history-makers and, politicians. When one of them dies, I really have to restrain myself from posting anecdotes online, because Mr. Bruni is right: their death is not my advertising opportunity. I did it a few times as an early user of social media, but it felt...unseemly. So now I try to take the time I would have spent posting online and just remember the time I spent with the person. While sitting on my hands.
14
Mr. Bruni, as a hospice nurse I work with the grieving often. Grief is something we feel when it is a loss to us personally. We miss someone and it creates a hole in OUR lives. So of course a lot of grief talk may look narcissistic, but people are rarely good at talking about death in general. They many times can only relate it to themselves. There is nothing wrong with that.
And people do enjoy hearing about how a loved one greatly impacted their lives. It is a great service to the bereaved to hear this. So understand this and encourage the stories please.
I have lost many wonderful people in my life. And I miss them. If that is narcissistic because it is all about me, then so be it.
12
@Janice Badger Nelson
You have made a very good point. But he mostly referring to politicians and "celebrities" who only care to talk about themselves and not the deceased.
3
@Janice Badger Nelson. Thank you for this comment, and as a lay grief counselor, I completely agree. From a personal perspective, after losing my husband and parents, I found that the most comforting comments came when people told me how my loved ones had intersected with and affected their lives. I hope people are not dissuaded by Mr. Bruni from sharing such stories with the bereaved.
7
@Janice Badger Nelson; ...and then there is the Catholic Church: My Doctor/friend's funeral mass (?) included many references to Jesus and Catholic beliefs about the after life, but very little about the Doctor, a wonderful, warm selfless person who died trying to save the life of a passenger as his plane sank in the Pacific.
1
I often cringe when I hear politicians selling themselves. It’s rather pitiful. I, very simply, could not do it.
Is it any wonder we have terrible mistrust of politicians? The good leader, who doesn’t spend her whole day boasting, is left in the dust by the lying braggart.
6
Frank has succinctly captured two problems:
“social media, which can make some kind of immediate response seem almost compulsory, like a homework assignment. It’s a midwife to bad judgment and a narcissism multiplier, with its promise of likes and shares.”
And:
“journalism, which is in a phase that encourages its practitioners to treat big developments as branding opportunities, carve our own niches in others’ narratives and become characters as well as guides”
Two ills we have no idea how to remedy.
8
I was sad about John McCain´s death. I am glad you are close to Meghan, Frank. Those are "I" statements. What we feel comes from the "I" . Thank you Frank and Senator McCain.
1
Uh Frank, I'm still straining to get your point here. If folks weren't seeking in some way to aggrandize themselves, even in the wake of the death of a notable personage like McCain, social media as we know and use it would not exist. In that respect, you are as guilty as I when we both advertise ourselves on Twitter. I took this article, laced with a certain amount of spleen, as it was.
I hate social media. I refuse to have anything to do with twitter or facebook. It is dragging this country down into the gutter and encouraging narcissism. Look at the buffoon that the American electorate--or at least the Midwest electorate, through the undemocratic institution of the electoral college, elected. Enough said.
8
@Caroline
Social media is a vehicle, not the source. You're just learning more about what has always existed.
1
I left the USA fifty fifty years ago to protest against the war in Vietnam so when I see Americans glorifying McCain and other veterans I have very mixed feelings. Those of us who opposed that dreadful war were right and those that fought in it were wrong. Yet those who were wrong are still honoured and those who were right are forgotten. McCain was a jingoist. Whenever there was any conflict in the world his simplistic solution was to send in the US military, which has killed sixteen million people since the end of the Second World War. I am a Quaker and I believe that all human life is sacred. But I will be forgotten and McCain will be remembered.
8
@Robert Dole You are right, and that is why, in my opinion, he didn't win the presidential election.. But he was good man, and he admitted he has done mistakes and I hope he understood that what you mentioned was one of his biggest mistakes.. But the way he defended Obama while running against him, was a teachable moment out of many.
2
Hilarious anecdote about the band Journey- I wondered where it was going at first. Their attempt to associate their utterly mediocre music with Aretha Franklin is indeed laughable.
7
The irony of saying that those that eulogize the famous when they die are narcissists. Aren't they just bowing to a cultural icon? Far from narcissism, this is the supplicant recounting when they were touched by the divine. They are defining themselves by their brief encounters with people that they don't even know. It is more pathetic than it is egotistical.
6
The American flag is plastered on almost everything from t-shirts to thong underwear. It isn't any longer a symbol of unity or patriotism or even recognition of a common culture. It has become a cheap, crass representation of a country that no longer exists. It's the brand that was. It no longer promises a future. And at the forefront of its demise is the pathetic creature Donald Trump and his enablers (republicans) who would sell their mothers to be in the spotlight.
10
not for the spotlight, but for the $$$.
1
Wow-- what a great column by Frank Bruni. You know, when I first met Frank in Kindergarten he was already quite articulate and a pretty decent writer and thinker. I gave him a few pointers on articulateness. And writing. And thinking. By first grade he had improved quite a bit. I can even see it now.
Years later I bumped into him in an elevator. He stepped on my toe. I was about to punch him out when I recognized him as that kid from Kindergarten. He told me he felt that he was on a dead-end treadmill. So I gave him a little life-coaching before we reached the 13th floor, where I had to get out.
Glad to see it worked out well for him and he's now a bigly columnist at the Times.
13
Donald Trump had good reason to hate John McCain.
McCain served in combat in Viet Nam, was badly wounded, suffered terribly as a P.O.W. and refused an offer to be released earlier than his fellow prisoners.
Trump spent the Viet Nam war avoiding it because of a bone spur and fighting his own battle as rich young man, terribly worried about contracting venereal disease.
McCain was a feisty politician whose clever sense of humor and sincere fellowship was enjoyed by both Republicans and Democrats.
Trump’s humor tends to be schoolyard rhyming taunts, and among Washington politicians there is a bipartisan hatred of Trump, although Republicans are too scared to say it out loud.
McCain, when his ambitions were thwarted by political opponents, was graceful and classy about it.
Trump has an enemies list for any politician who even disagrees with him.
When Barack Obama was elected, McCain gave a stirring concession speech, calling for everyone to recognize the historic occasion and to help Obama.
When Trump was elected, he falsely claimed that his victory was larger than Obama’s. When Trump was inaugurated, he falsely claimed his crowds were bigger.
Stop wondering why Trump hated McCain -- or why he hates Obama or anyone not named Trump.
8
Yes upon a bit of reflection it is safe to imply that we are all a bit narcissistic. It stands to reason though simply because we have to live with ourselves first and foremost. Then there are those narcissists who take it to an extreme and can see nothing but themselves in all things.
In terms of McCain, Trump and the ideological end of things I believe libertarians can safely be described as the political extreme of narcissism. There is nothing wrong with narcissism as long as one is aware of its presence and works to keep it in check.
In order to keep it in check one first has to recognize the value of humility. That value is literally what defines the stark parallel between Trump and McCain as decent people.
4
Pathetic narcissism is the obvious result of the misguided Ayn Rand individualism that social mis-fits have branded a philosophy.
8
In the age of Trump, we all become more like Trump?
Speak for yourself Frank.
Not me.
3
Frank Bruni is the best writer on the Times staff. He understands that English grammar is a great engine, not a stumbling block. His use of vocabulary is razor sharp. His topics are well chosen and connect well to his audience. Bravo Frank!
13
There is also the matter of Kelli Ward, an Arizona Republican who wants to get John McCain's Senate seat. She claimed that his death was timed to hurt her.
There's a word for this sort of person, and vanity and self-involvement doesn't begin to touch it. It's short (four letters), is considered sexual harassment per se, and fits Kelli Ward and her ilk (no matter their gender--this would include Trump) like a glove for someone's private parts.
When she recently complained about political correctness in showing Mr. MrCain's death the respect he has earned, it's time to use that word on Ms. Ward and others like her with impunity. She opened the door to this Pandora's Box.
11
@Carl Ian Schwart
Just to clarify, I believe Ms. Ward is in a primary race for the seat of Jeff Flake of AZ, who is leaving the Senate. And she criticized the timing of McCain’s family’s announcement that they were ceasing his treatment, not the timing of his death itself. I am certainly NOT defending the woman, who clearly lives up to the name of “deplorable”, but facts matter these days!
Peter Gregory would say ... that he was not disappointed in Snapchat. Mr. Bruni really nailed it with this excellent column. Many thanks to him.
2
"The rest of us have neither the megaphones nor megalomania of Trump and Madonna,..."
What is the MSM's total, complete and unending obsession with the mother of all false equivalencies that involves comparing people of major significance, like a US President, to a specific pop star?
I cannot tell you how many columnists, in liberal and conservative venues, ALWAYS play the Madonna card when they need someone to compare to the worst in world leaders.
It is phone-it-in editorializing every time some ersatz seer compares people in popular culture to persons, good or bad, of stature, significance and notoriety.
Frank Bruni, an excellent column, thank you. We need to reminded of this failing in our own writing to our family and friends and in social media. In any case no one really reads it anyway, its all white noise in an ocean of garbage information on the web with an occasional gem...
2
It's the congruence of narcissism and power. Narcissists are drawn to positions of power. That's why powerful people so often sound like narcissists. If you want an honest opinion about a famous person, ask the ordinary people. Which, I guess, is what this comments section is for. John McCain was a great American. It's ridiculous that we should have to filter anyone's qualities through their political affiliations. McCain is an antidote to that. May he rest well.
5
There was a day of blessed silence from the monster in the White House. Perhaps John's parting gift to us.
7
Oft thought, ne'er so well expressed.
3
Sadly, the branding Mr. Bruni writes about is all too evident in media outlets such as the New York Times and many others on both sides of the aisle. It screams "look at me, I represent your ideology." It compromises credibility but it sells.
2
I honor and respect Senator McCain because he put his country and values above himself, the opposite of what a narcissist would do. The country will miss him dearly, but I hope we all continue to remember what he stands for. I wish the leaders of the Republican Party would consider what kind of obituary they are creating for themselves by their action (or inaction) in these trying times. Those Senators may have served with John McCain, but most have shown they do not even come close in stature. They are selling the soul of our country for their own short-lived benefit.
7
IMO
John McCain was not a hero for getting shot down. He is a hero for serving when he could have avoided duty. His character during the long stay as a prisoner in the worst conditions revealed a character of resiliency, dedication, determination and concern for his fellows.
An ace pilot? He had a tendency to fly risky and had at least three significant accidents in a profession where accidents are often fatal. You try landing a jet on a bobbing postage stamp! Hard work even when you're not receiving multiple surface to air missiles.
Was he a hero for his political opinions and work? No, he was a hero for adhering to the perhaps bygone concept that no matter how much you absolutely hated the __position__ of the "other side" __they__ were not "the enemy" and a compromise could be had. He was a hero for living the role described by Edmund Burke "Your representative owes you, not his industry only, but his judgment; and he betrays, instead of serving you, if he sacrifices it to your opinion." Nov 3, 1774
He was also a human being, an American, complete with flaws, mis-steps, bad decisions and perhaps a hazy memory that served a good personal story.
I disagreed with him often, yet, especially today, I'd rather have more of him in the Senate than almost any other member of a Republican Party that has drifted from the moorings that made it an admirable organization in the mid-60s.
John McCain, Naval Officer, Aviator, Senator, AMERICAN
We are made poorer by his absence.
17
I really like the message being sent here. I've enjoyed, and learned from, many of Mr. Bruni's columns. Indeed, I regularly read the Times's Op-Ed columns, making me better informed and better able to discuss the issues of the day than most people I know. I look forward to reading many more pieces like this.
Oh, and BTW - I'm wondering: who was this McCain person?
(I hope you recognize that this is written facetiously.)
5
I agree, Frank. Young people now often talk about themselves as a "brand", taking a cue perhaps from media personalities.
Narcissists do well in large business organizations, where getting people to notice your "brand" is prerequisite for success.
Often "brands" rise well beyond their ability to actually do what's needed. My personal term for people like this was, 'Boardroom Ballerinas'. One, let's call him 'Jimmy', was going into an important meeting woefully unprepared. "Don't worry, Bob," Jimmy said, "I'll dazzle them with my footwork". The meeting was a disaster.
6
It’s sad, isn’t it when one is compelled to make it all about them. A friend once commented about a mutual acquaintance, “needing to be the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral”.
8
I am forced to wonder whether Mr. Bruni will carry his umbrage to its logical conclusion by eliminating the Comments section from his opinion columns. That would be a good start to see if he really means what he says, and would spare his readers from the ostensible narcissism, and now Bruni-induced guilt, fed by seeing their comments in print. It would also spare him from his own, triggered by reading their reaction to his opinions.
When a famous individual's light is permanently dimmed, people feel compelled to notice the darkness that results, and to share their feelings about it. What Mr. Bruni fails to acknowledge is that many people feel a connection with the more famous among the deceased, particularly when they are permanently disconnected from us through death. Certainly, part of this connection is itself engendered by the steady stream of media, social and otherwise, that forces its way into our consciousness and triggers a response in increasingly readily numerous and available channels of communication.
It all may, indeed, by self-serving to some extent. It may be narcissism in some essentially benign and harmless form, but it is no more narcissism than that manifested by many entertainers themselves, who like actors, politicians and yes, columnists, revel in the public notice taken of their work by the followers they assemble.
Sorry if I hurt your feelings, Frank, but it's not about you, even if it's not about us either.
4
As a clergyman, I can share that Bruni is spot on. When someone begins a eulogy by telling an anecdote about themselves, you know you are in for a long ride.
8
I was struck by how Trump, when in the Oval, after the new "NAFTA" deal was closed, was asked about John McCain and his legacy by several journalists in the room. He folded his arms, over his chest, like a petulant child and ignored the questions. He is a very small man.
Showing respect to McCain doesn't take anything away from him, but it does help unify a country in a moment when we together we should reflect and be grateful to an honorable man, no matter what his politics, who served his country to the best of his ability. Trump should have led that rallying call.
15
I'm not convinced that every person who notes a connection to a recently deceased famous person is in it strictly for the narcissistic rush.
Consider the common practice at funerals, during which friends, family and co-workers are encouraged to step up to a mic or podium or altar platform and speak a few words of remembrance, which typically include the person's connection to the deceased.
I've been lucky in my life, as a journalist, to interview or meet, not all, but many of my favorite writers. So when, say, Ursula Le Guin died a few months ago, I did indeed let people know that I had been privileged to speak to her.
Is that automatically "virtue grieving," or simply noting the simple fact that I was lucky enough to speak with her?
Obviously, this can be taken too far, and often is in these narcissistic days. But I think censoring one's own experience or connection to the deceased from a heartfelt expression of sadness or praise is to artificially truncate one's natural human inclination to connect with others.
9
@C.B. Evans Interacting with a famous person is not the same thing as knowing that person, in the way that those who truly knew a person who has died eulogize them with an anecdote about some personal connection at a memorial service. What did you achieve by noting your tangential connection with Le Guin to your social media friends, upon her passing? If you managed to relay something deeply insightful that she shared with you in private that is not generally known, then yay for you. If you did it just to establish your personal/professional connection with her, and suggest that your world intersects with the orbits of celebrities (ergo you also must be an important person), well, that's narcissism, bud. Why can't you be content just to have had that interaction, and keep it to yourself? Why the need to share that with others? To me, it's no different than visiting some beautiful place, sitting there and being content to just imprint that scene into your memory. Our urge to instead pull out the cell phone and take photos and post them to our social media feeds so that our 'friends' can admire (and be jealous of) our worldly adventures, is the same narcissistic urge at work when we must share our tangential connections with other over an inconsequential social media feed.
@C.B. Evans Sorry. Interacting with a famous person is not the same thing as knowing that person, in the way that those who truly knew a person who has died eulogize them appropriately and meaningfully with an anecdote about some personal connection at a memorial service. What did you achieve by noting your tangential connection with Le Guin to your social media friends, upon her passing? If you managed to relay something deeply insightful that she shared with you in private that is not generally known, then yay for you, and your friends; maybe they learned something because of you. If you did it just to establish your personal/professional connection with Le Guin, and by doing so merely suggested that your world intersects with the orbits of celebrities (ergo you also must be an important person), well, that's narcissism, bud. Why couldn't you have been content just to have had that special interaction, and keep it to yourself? Why the need to share that with others? To me, it's no different than visiting some beautiful place, sitting there and burning that scene into your memory, so you can cherish it yourself forever. Our urge to instead pull out the cell phone and take photos and post them on Facebook and Instagram so that our 'friends' can admire (and be jealous of) our worldly adventuring, is the same narcissistic urge at work when we share anecdotes and photos of brushes with celebrity on our social media feeds, feeding our own self-inflated egos.
Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less. It can be very liberating.
To ask people whose entire lives, public and private, have been self-promotion in one form or another; Trump, Madonna, just about any rock star or politician you care to name, to become someone else entirely upon the death of some other luminary is a bit much at any time. In this time when self-promotion, branding, is considered a virtue by so many, one should not expect even modesty, let alone humility.
8
Reading the essays following John McCain’s death have been uplifting and inspiring. Many of them have been by people who knew him well in a variety of settings. Russ Feingold, Jeff Flake and Mark Salter show those who didn’t know him sides of him that others never had the opportunity to see. Others, who didn’t know him personally, have reflected on his numerous achievements. One more personal note was on Facebook by a young woman who lost her sight at an early age. I’m not sure how she knew McCain, but she did, and commented on the Braille letters that McCain had sent her over the years. Those are aspects of John McCain that I would have no way of knowing otherwise. I rarely agreed with McCain’s politics, but I admired and respected him for his intelligence, valor, dignity, and courage, and most of all, his recognition of what makes America truly great. His ability to find something larger than himself to which to dedicate his life is admirable, and I can only hope that when I come to the end of my days, I will be able to look back at a life well lived, and look forward to the unknown with grace and courage, which McCain surely did. He was and remains a great role model.
It’s too bad that Frank Bruni missed all of that.
17
@Assisi: Politicians are more remembered for their PR than their policies.
1
Some of us remember and talk about our connection to these recently passed celebrities as a way to attach an anchor to a point in our lives. Their passing is our timekeeper. It's not always self-aggrandizing. It's more like remembering milestones we've already gone by.
17
Can someone explain to me how trump is able to have all these rallies at the taxpayers expense? What government business is being accomplished at them?
42
@JR
I think it would behoove the public to know the cost of these rallies to taxpayers. They are to boost Trump’s ego under the guise of promoting his candidates.
They are just rants and sound bites for the rabid base.
1
At a memorial service for a deceased senior partner, the comments of several partners partner were in essence "I owe my success to John," followed by five minutes talking about their success
8
Social media and the selfie culture which magnify the importance of oneself as the center of the universe infiltrate all walks and times of people's lives including times when poignant words and reflection are called for. As the writer observes in the column, the media is not free of their part in this behavior change. 24 hour news means sooner or later you have to scrape the bottom of the barrel to put up something else new that was not on the other channel. Stuff that is not worthy of news gets broadcast and posted and further propagates this behavior.
8
Always, the easiest way to gain attention is to latch on to the subjects that people are currently paying attention to. Go where the eyes and ears have already gathered. Brands and marketers know this well. Memes leverage the concept. Apparently now everyone else gets it, too. Talking about dead celebrities is great way to call attention to yourself, whether you make it about you or not.
3
Every time I think Trump has plumbed new lows in presidential comportment there's another Trump attack on all that is good and decent. The fact that he had to be pressured into saying anything positive about John McCain demonstrates that not only is Trump disconnected from the truth, he is also too small a man to acknowledge an American icon. Perhaps it was because McCain had the courage to stand against his own party and not scrap the Affordable Care Act. Or perhaps it is just envy that Trump, a draft dodger who used a laughable bone spur excuse to avoid service, can't cope with the fact that McCain is revered as a military hero. The closest Trump ever came to the military was the time he spent in military prep school. I hope Trump's reign of cultural despair and divisiveness is nearing the end, but even if he survives impeachment and/or indictment, he can never succeed in sullying the name of John McCain.
25
One of the responses grief counselors give to friends and family is to share a personal experience one had with the deceased as a means of bringing comfort to those grieving. Maybe that is one reason we focus on ourselves when trying to comfort others.
9
We focus on ourselves because we are afraid. When we are not afraid, good happens.
@June. So true, June. When my husband and parents died I found the most comforting comments came from people who shared how my loved ones had intersected with and impacted their lives. I hope Mr. Bruni’s essay doesn’t discourage people from sharing their experiences with the bereaved.
1
Bruni may be mixing up cause and effect. I suspect all the range of reactions expressed via Twitter et al were expressed as much pre-Internet. Now, social media just provides a platform to broadcast. Maybe narcissism was always a strain of American culture (exceptionalism, after all!) but now social media and blogging just had amplified it. Worth pondering.
Or maybe being more aware of how many people are on this orb, many of us somehow want to feel heard or have a presence.
When we tell kids they should be developing their brand at age 10, and invent selfie sticks, what do you expect?
7
Eulogies were, are and will be questionable over and for all times. Some happen to be sordid or maligning too. And there are those where is the speaker is everything.
This panel is well known over Centuries, sorry to say.
1
I once heard this problem summed up thus: In a eulogy there are three parts: The Deceased, the Deceased and I, I.
Apparently the recent trend is increase the last part of this schematic.
5
Our experience of others takes place in the context of relationship. To express something of the impact another has had on our own life is not only narcissism, it is often the most honest and personal way of sharing another's importance.... To merely repeat the facts of another's life, or to imagine a person as floating in space and unrelated to us-- as if this is somehow a more virtuous way to speak to the importance of another's life-- seems to me to be another form of selfy-ness. It's as if we are so afraid of seeming selfy that we try to imagine what a person is or what their life meant without referencing their deepest and most long-lasting impact....
Do we really need to pretend that we are not a part of our experience of someone whose music or courage or guts has meant to us, inspired in us?
14
@Wendy Maland
Yes, it is true that oftentimes we are so quick to pass judgement, in this case calling people narcissistic, when all they do is tell a few anecdotes of their relationship with someone. We draw conclusions based on what we perceive about people without verifying the truths behind these perceptions.
However, subjectively speaking, we are all prone to narcissistic behaviour in a sense that we can't have enough of ourselves and that we tend to seek for recognition in almost every opportunity. And that is what this article is trying to point out, using examples that I personally think are spot on. It is our responsibility to keep our narcissistic tendency in check and we can start by reflecting on the way we describes our relationships to others.
@Wendy Maland. Very well-said And I agree. It’s tertibly sad we have an extreme narcissistic holding the highest office in the land. Trump is so abhorrent that we fear being anything like him.
1
A first year psychology major could diagnose Trump’s clinical narcissism simply by listening to a few hours worth of speeches. Why forty percent of Americans don’t choose to see the blatantly obvious truth about this man by now is a self-destructive tragedy of selective perception. After twenty months, all that can be said of Trump and his remaining fervent supporters is that they truly deserve each other.
27
@AndyW.....You might have added that narcissism is a recognized personality disorder characterized by delusions of grandeur and chronic lying. Not exactly reassuring qualities for someone occupying the office of President.
6
@AndyW
"they truly deserve each other." Yes, but the rest of us DON'T deserve to have our country messed up by this guy.
3
@AndyW
"A first year psychology major could diagnose Trump’s clinical narcissism simply by listening to a few hours worth of speeches. Why forty percent of Americans don’t choose to see the blatantly obvious truth about this man by now is a self-destructive tragedy of selective perception. After twenty months, all that can be said of Trump and his remaining fervent supporters is that they truly deserve each other. "
I disagree about that 40%.
They do see the obvious truth and they love it; they
live vicariously through Trump as a medium for expressing their inner rage.
After all that suppressed antagonism, what they've wanted is permitted: to lash out against The Other.
What an imposition it was, having to show a 'better nature', to live decently and with kindness and tolerance.
The 40% are out of their closeted minds.
1
I agree wholeheartedly with Mr. Bruni. And Trump has ushered in the Age of Narcissism like never before in our history. Like a disease, it is contagious. As much as I admire him, I thought President Obama's message of condolence was far too focused on his own characteristics and what he had in common with McCain. In fact, it was embarrassing how far you had to read before anything like a compliment of McCain's courage was mentioned. George Bush's was far better in my opinion. It focused on the positive attributes and contributions of John McCain. Unfortunately modesty, humility and generosity are no longer values which are cherished in this country. I long for the day when they are again.
6
We don't know other people. We only know ourselves and the things others awaken in us. When we grieve when someone dies, we are sad because we won't have that person around to remind of us something we like about ourselves. When we talk about others who have left us and how they affected us, especially when that was positive, we are personally honoring the things inside us that they brought to our consciousness.
I think it's a bit self-righteous to criticize others for saying what the loss of someone means to them. I don't know what Madonna actually said, but if she was saying how Aretha made a difference in her life and career, I wouldn't find that so bad. On the other hand, if a person like Trump is speaking of the loss of Aretha merely to build himself up with little actual regard for her, that's not so good. And we know that pretty much is Trump's modus operandi. But when a person like McCain dies, let's not be too harsh on others who are relating how he was special to them.
20
@John Woods. Google is your friend. "Aretha Louise Franklin changed the course of my life. I left Detroit when I was 18. $35 in my pocket. My dream was to make it as a professional dancer.
After years of struggling and being broke, I decided to go to auditions for musical theater. I heard the pay was better. I had no training or dreams of ever becoming a singer, but I went for it. I got cut, and rejected from every audition. Not tall enough. Not blends-in enough, not 12-octave-range enough, not pretty enough, not enough, enough.
(pg. 1)
2
In the eyes of writers like Mr. Bruni and so many others in the mainstream media, the President can do no right. What could he say, not say, do, or not do that would not be scrutinized, over-analyzed, and interpreted in a negative light. It seems like ordering flags in the nation to fly at half mask and offering some kind words was the most appropriate action he could take, given the very public bad blood John McCain seemed to harbor towards him till the very end. Politics aside, it seems everywhere we look there is a lot of narcissism to go around.
3
@toddchow....Really? He had a hissy fit when it was pointed out that his inauguration crowd wasn't the largest in history. North Korea is no longer a nuclear threat, the minor tweaking of NAFTA with Mexico is the greatest trade deal ever? Overly scrutinized? Narcissism is a recognized as a personality disorder characterized by delusions of grandeur and chronic lying.
2
@toddchow
Look how long it took Trump to be "appropriate."
The man is an embarrassment.
No class, whatsoever.
1
Perhaps narcissism will diminish as a dominant social trait in much of America when the media stars also realize that it is not all about them.
Endless self-promotion in the media is tedious and worse, it reinforces the m.o. of the President. It offends the president when they (e.g. CNN) are more narcissistic than he is, as any competent narcissist would.
A little humility and respect for the world we live in would go a long way to improving our public discourse.
5
I noticed the same phenomenon when a student at my son's school died by suicide. Suddenly all the kids claimed to be so close to him, and all the adults claimed to be so close to his parents. There was a strange one-upmanship going on. If only people could be so kind to one another and interested in one another before tragedy occurs.
29
the work of mourning is less for the other who passed away than for the self who mourns. as Freud once said, "healthy mourning" separates the self from the other, and is committed to establishing the more firm self. as a result, it's basically narcissistic, and self-centered.
and it may be put to the question that whether it is really "healthy" or possibly another violence against the other who we lost.
1
Thank you, Frank. It must be tough to feel like you have to shout the truth, but I am grateful that you do. Grateful for Aretha and for John. Thank you.
3
@Lisak
Aretha huh, that's some reach...
Frank Bruni, in today's world we are encouraged to "brand" ourselves, to make ourselves unique, to use every conversation we have to make ourselves stand out from the crowd. Yes, these are cliches but they are what I see going on around me all the time.
The words thought leader, subject matter expert, excellence, and others are a constant in employment ads, resumes, job descriptions, and every other place imaginable. We are not allowed to be average, to make mistakes, to be human. We have to be recognized, applauded, experts, and selflessly selfish in today's America.
It's not all narcissism. It's the lack of community and recognition that forces us to adopt these stances. We're told that connections are important to find jobs, to get into a good college, to get a ticket to that big concert. The evidence doesn't contradict that either.
If we want to end the "narcissism" Frank Bruni is describing we need a society where the economic elite do not have as many advantages over the rest of us, one where the average person can have a decent life without needing to inflate him/herself past all reason just to get a decent job.
16
@hen3ry
"The others made me do it" , is not a defense. The fixation on self remains narcissism regardless of external pressure.
When I review the resumes of applicants, I am particularly critical of ones that claim too many skills. Very few of the applicants turn out to all those skills (or are proficient in them). The point is: I look for potential, not perfection, and those claiming perfection are almost always narcissistic and imperfect.
4
Frank, journalists seem to also crave the spotlight and are not immune to narcissism. Seems like TV news personalities don't want to tell the stories of real people, but they would much rather BE the news. Book signings, tabloid stories about bad boys and accusations, celebrity appearances, giving lectures about all kinds of things they really never studied.
Why just deliver the news when you can BE the news and make yourself a celebrity and some money.
5
You capture my sentiments so well. Whether in written word (NYT) or spoken (MSNBC). I, too, ache for the loss of great ones (e.g. McCain, Franklin). I shudder for the self involved expressions of grief hogging stage light, ala Madonna. More, though, I fear the man who would have us believe that he is the light, along with his lemming minions.
8
Too many people talk too much and too many listen too much.
7
One of the sub-alterns running for the Republican Senate seat being vacated being vacated by Jeff Flake opined that the McCains had announced they were ceasing all further medical intervention in order to mess up her campaign momentum
FB is right. A shot at the brass ring causes lots of bizarre behavior. But blaming McCain’s medical care for a blip in campaign momentum has to be right up there with the worst of the “its all about me” syndrome.
16
Frank: Yours is a good idea to put others in the spotlight and not other war heroes and nothing about ourselves this time.
The last few days were all about a war hero but there are other hero's.
The poor,trying to get by every day of the year.
Care givers taking care of others all day long.
Teachers, trying their best to help young, and sometimes difficult, students.
Underpaid nurses,changing bed pans during the night and day. There are many heroes who feel like they are at war 24 hours every day, 365 days every year,
The "Hanoi Hilton" that held John McCain in Vietnam is not the only difficult place. There are many difficult places and many heroes spend their time working these every day of every year.There are many heroes in our world.We just never hear about them.
6
I thank John McCain for reminding me that there are brave human beings. I need to hold that idea in my mind.
9
Grief and sadness are intensely deep and private, reserved for unfathomable personal loss. While saddened by the deaths of Sen. McCain and Aretha, I am not clinically sad. Nor am I grieving. That's the domain of their most intimate friends and family. Death happens.....
2
I'm guilty as charged. I posted on Facebook that I'd had lunch with him at the Capitol. At 21, I'd been invited to the Capitol as a recipient of a Goldwater Fellowship in Science and Mathematics during the Fall of 1989. It was the fellowships first year of existence. There were 100-200 recipients in total (2-4 recipients from each state, I can't fully recall). I was in awe of everyone there, particularly the many senators. John McCain sat at my table. It's only now that I put together that he was also a fellow old boy from EHS, and he had replaced Goldwater as Arizona's senator (I'm pretty slow). Therefore, he undoubtedly had a hand in the bill's passage that funded the fellowship (part of the B2 bomber program as I heard), and he may have had a hand in my selection. Otherwise, I'm not sure how I was in the present company of talented people being Longwood College in Farmville, Va. Irrespective, his commitment to selfless service gives me something to aspire to (and fail at) as it should us all.
1
Is it a surprise that when people seem to determine their worth by how many "friends" they have, that that translates into aligning with others to glorify self?
We really have lost our ability to be humble and well, quiet. As a writing teacher once said to me, "Ask yourself if anyone should really care about what you think or write." Good to remember.
4
In high school speech class we had to do a eulogy. The great screenwriter, author, and TV star Rod Serling has just passed away. I loved everything Serling did, growing up in the 60’s - 70’s so I picked him.
My eulogy, my teacher said, was very good. But he gave me a “B”. I asked him why not an “A”? His reply always stuck with me: “ you said in your eulogy he was short ( Serling was short but that wasn’t the point) and you must never speak ill of the departed in a eulogy even if what you say is factual and correct.”
A lesson we should all remember. Remember - people who hated his guts (except Hunter Thompson) said nice things about Nixon when he died. Or said nothing at all.
4
@Van Owen
Obviously not the best lesson from your teacher. Eulogies should recognize good and bad points as well. In other words, understand the person with all his or her strengths and weaknesses.
2
I think for many every day folks like me that it is not so much narcissism during times when condolences are necessary. Rather it is an anxiousness to connect with both the bereaved and the admired deceased. I think I am not alone when I say that even at my older age I still search for just the right words to convey love during times of death. Frankly, it's not easy.
It is this basic innate insecurity that separates humanness from "Narcissus" reincarnated. And it is particularly during these times that we both watch and look to our leaders for consolation and empathy toward those who are left behind. I was not surprised by Mr. Trump's "expedient" and abrupt words after Senator McCain's passing. What can we expect from a man who is amoral and egomaniacal? However, I have found myself thinking back at our past president....his tears re Sandy Hook and his voice reaching our ears and sad hearts as he sang Amazing Grace for those many taken from life so violently.
7
We have all formed some image of McCain. These are imaginary, not real. The real McCain is dead, finished, over. We, the living, use our imaginary images of McCain (and every other person who is of significance to us) to orient ourselves, to recreate out world. The eulogies are for us, not for the dead McCain. They cannot help but be self-serving.
1
Twitter is giving celebrities and journalists a pedestal for this narcissism. I always remember Meredith Viera interviewing Nora Ephrom, who I knew little about, but was taken by her authenticity, integrity, kindness...which was all too much for MV who proceeded to cut her down...
1
I would say John McCain had a healthy narcissism...a knowledge and appreciation of his own talents and strengths, as well as a recognition of his limitations. And...he could laugh at himself.
So, he was a role model in more ways than one.
5
Sad-but most of us are doomed to wallow in a sea of perpetual obscurity but continue to search for any opportunity to align ourselves with anyone or anything that will bring us closer to the spotlight. Just as I am at this very moment, responding to Frank Bruni’s column. :-)
7
Social media - Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, etc. and all the rest - is ruining us. I do none of it but none of it is going to end.
Narcissism unbound in the Age of Trump.
2
Just please once, write an article that doesn't mention Trump. It will be so refreshing, it will be like a new day. And many will thank you.
3
Frank -- I wanted to tell you how much I enjoy your column. Yes, all the columnists in the NYT are at the top of the heap, but there's something about your take on things that offers me a new view. You bring into focus some angle about the subjects you write about that I hadn't considered. That's the real power of op-ed in a publication like the Times -- to help us think beyond our previous viewpoints. And, I invariably find myself saying several times, "Oh, now that's a good word to use there."
So thanks. I look forward to future pieces.
4
Thank you, Mr. Bruni. It seems that when a famous person dies, even people who didn't know him or her has something to say. And why does the media even ask a stranger about the person who died?
As usual...right on the money, Frank. I also noticed a lot of narcissicism in the reporting of Aretha Franklin’s death on the part of the media. Al Sharpton in particular. I’m not insinuating he was t her friend - just saying that it shouldn’t have been about him.
1
One of the best columns of the year. The natural human who no longer has the sense, in the modern world, of larger community to ameliorate him.
4
“She worked for me.” The remark was classic Trump in its offensiveness."....In addition to being vulgar and a bigot, Trump is a narcissist. Narcissism is a recognized personality disorder. It is characterized among other things by delusions of grandeur and chronic lying. It may take a while for Trump supporters to figure this out, and no doubt some never will. Unfortunately for the rest of us and for the good of the country, a narcissist belongs in therapy and not in the White House.
17
Many of us are uncomfortable dealing with death and condolences. We don't have much experience with it. We don't enjoy it. Most of us are just not very good at it, and want to get away from it, not think hard about doing it better.
Those with pre-existing personality disorders will be worse in such emotional situations.
All of this is on display at times like this.
With Trump, I think it was something more. He fought with McCain, and was getting in a last shot, a typically nasty one. Kick 'em when they're down.
7
I remember the Friar’s Roast of Don Rickles, sponsored by Kraft, back in the day. Johnny Carson hosted. Henny Youngman, in his tribute, delivered his one-liners, which had absolutely nothing to do with Don Rickles. One of the very few mentions of Rickles in his piece was “As everyone knows, Don Rickles has a large family … but what about MY family?”
Leave it to Bruni to wind up a weekend of McCain by getting a final column out on so much derivative and personal narcissism using McCain as a launching pad. Gave me a chuckle. But Trump should have left the flag at half-mast AT LEAST until the elaborate state funeral arrangements were completed.
2
I have been musing about what kind of response we might be exposed to when our current President dies. We're about the same age, so I think about these things. Other than his family (I think) I don't suspect that we will see any outpouring of heartfelt respect or love for the man.
I was also think about who will be asked to serve up a respectful, thankful, eulogy for DJT. My answer comes down to Mike Pence -- but only if Trump dies in office.
7
I remember the first time I read a Frank Bruni column. I became aware that he was somewhat like me. I always put other people in my life first without ever seeking accolades for my sacrifices. I know Frank if he knew me, would be a good friend because it appears we have so much in common. We are not narcissists.
18
Thank-you for your thoughtful article.
It gave me pause to reflect on how unconsciously, and with seeming ease, we cross the line between identification and self-promotion in our attempts at showing respect and relevance.
13
This phenomenon is not exclusive to the acknowledged narcissists among us, famous or not. Even President Obama, obviously known for his writing, succumbed. He began his statement with the following:
"John McCain and I were members of different generations, came from completely different backgrounds, and competed at the highest level of politics. But we shared, for all our differences, a fidelity to something higher..."
While the statement sounds thoughtful enough on first pass, by emphasizing their differences – and mentioning his *own* "fidelity to something higher" – Obama is as guilty of making another's death about himself as anyone mentioned in Bruni's article. Coming from one of our society's most respected leaders, I found this to be both disappointing and also a good reminder of how easily we reveal ourselves, even when we're supposed to be – and are trying to be – on our best behavior.
We can all do better.
18
@Matthew Hunt Well, I'm not sure your observation about Obama is fair. They did compete, very publicly, for highest office, so I will give Obama a pass even if your observation is technically correct.
4
When my friend's mother died, she asked the funeral reception attendees to tell stories of how her mother had impacted their lives. I believe that this is the greatest honor someone can give to another--to appreciate how someone changed your life.
I will refrain from stating how I've impacted other people's lives.
23
It reminds one of a conversation where the proponent waxes at length about themselves - and then stops to say "enough about me - what do you think of me?"
2
I would have cheerfully voted for McCain in 2000, although the person I preferred was Colin Powell who chose not to run. Four years later, I left the GOP forever because my son was serving as a young Army Officer in Iraq, a war that made no sense whatever, except to draft dodging neocons. I voted for Obama in 2008. I didn’t fault McCain for Palin, because I regarded her selection as a desperation Hail Mary effort. After Dubya, no Republican had a chance of being elected.
I considered McCain a hero because I considered all American POWs to be hero’s. In a comment accepted in another NYTimes column, I did state that like McCain, I was a retired senior officer who had served in Vietnam. I was not a hero, just another Military Officer fulfilling his duties. I mentioned it only because it showed I was familiar with military service, and because I got to know quite a few recently repatriated POWs when I attended Air War College. Maintaining the will to live when faced with daily torture is heroic, as is flying hazardous missions over heavily defended combat zones.
Let’s concentrate on getting rid of Trump. His election proves we are a sick country. Our recuperation may require guillotines.
95
@James S Kennedy, I shall always remember Colin Powell as the man who led Hillary down the primrose path of private e-mail servers.
3
The underlying psychological mechanic at play here is well studied by social psychologists. It’s called “basking in reflected glory”, and it refers to how we try to more closely associate with successful others, e.g. by wearing the sports jersey after our sports team wins or using the pronoun ‘we’ (as opposed to ‘them’) when describing their victory.
...Or now in the age of social media, it can look like broadcasting our personal affiliation loud and proud on social media, just as you described.
Social media platforms have provided an amplifier to this phenomenon. Previously, this phenomenon’s observance was restricted to those who saw you walking around campus after game day or those who got stuck talking to you at a party.
See “Basking in Reflected Glory: Three (Football) Field Studies” by Robert Cialdini, Richard Borden, et al published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 1976. A classic!
8
Editors who are assigning stories and producers who are hiring panelists are looking for people with connections to the recently deceased. Their credential is thisconnection. But it would behoove them to remember who is the deceased.
6
Excellent, thoughtful column Frank. Thank you for reminding us that everything that touches our lives isn't all about us. Something the person occupying the White House really hasn't a clue about. The gall Trump had to lower the flag at the White House in honor of Senator McCain for only a short while was low even for him. It finally has been lowered to half staff again after many protested.
I would imaging that Trump is jealous of the media attention Senator McCain is getting right now, even though it is taking the harsh spotlight of revelation away from Trump's problems. The dishonor Trump has shown McCain in life and now in death is disgusting in its meanness and pettiness and foulness.
I did not always agree with Senator McCain politically but I have always respected this man's rare courage, honor, and integrity. He is a true American hero. He served this country with dignity. Something Trump knows nothing whatsoever about.
May Senator McCain rest in peace, and may his friends and family be granted peace.
59
@Diana, whatever we think about ourselves is, at best, temporary.
1
Would have been a better article had you said nothing at all about yourself. Ha ha. But really.... just focusing on trump would have been stronger
2
Its perfectly OK to relay appropriate, personal stories of someone’s life, especially when they embody values and experiences that we hold dear in our remaining lives. Staking a claim that a loved one or famous person has impacted our lives for the better shows that we respect and honor that person. Besides, storytelling is fun.
12
@Ben Savage, Everybody has perspectives from their own lives that they believe to illuminate the lives of others.
1
I suspect that the best way to refer to this is my own pet phrase: "Outrage Actors."
An "Outrage Actor" is a people who will take a selfie with the dead before angrily proclaiming those that copy them as vultures or malicious monsters. They like your status on Facebook without reading it or often jump on memes or pronouns to proclaim their superiority. They may cry on demand to show sympathy with no real empathy. The Outrage Actor knows no party, no creed, only that you know they feel one way or another, "honestly."
2
"He is the author of three best-selling books. @FrankBruni"
45 isn't the only one who likes to blow his own horn.
2
"Alas poor Yorik. I knew him, Horatio... He hath borne me on his back a thousand times." --Hamlet
13
@JerseyGirl, Striving is to leave more legacy than one's bones.
Social media, and the New York Times, has given everyone the unique ability to blow their own horn. It’s interesting to see what’s being tooted.
4
For me this is enough, you need not have written the article that followed. As for finding a new name I think the one we have still works, narcissism.
"Death in the Age of Narcissism
But enough about John McCain. Here’s some more about me."
If you think this was bad..... just wait until El Trumpo acts out to make us forget how he just disgraced himself with the flag flying over the WH.
5
Journey is a “band”?
2
When Ted Kennedy died, an old friend of Teds I'd never heard, told a terrific story at his funeral from an early period. Ted had invited him to some event which involved the two of them sailing a small boat across Cape Cod harbor in rough seas, etc. Terrific story, well told and super memorable. He smiled as he retold Ted assuring him the journey was no sweat etc. Surprise perfection for the moment.
10
I think that connection is more important than how we explain our connections. The stories told about someone else are also about ourselves - how we feel about that person and why
For instance - I forgive Madonna. I understood what she was trying to say, however imperfectly. Aretha was her go to choice when she was young. There was none better
Narcissism gets a lot of attention these days, for reasons that are obvious. And the internet makes it possible for a nobody like me to have an immediate opinion show up at the NYT (maybe)
Maybe we should all start cutting each other some slack. The world is mean enough without over analyzing every single thing that comes out of our mouths
12
This is exactly right, Mr. Bruni. It’s not clear why, but we have become an utterly self-regarding people who have lost the ability to put others first. We’ve seen it not only with the coverage of McCain’s death but those of other famous people. When Anthony Bourdain died, CNN practically turned into a funeral parlor with different anchors and reporters talking about what Tony — they all called him Tony — meant to then, their encounters with him in the cafeteria, and on and on. Maybe our extreme self-obsession in part explains when we elected a narcissist President.
7
America's democratic institutions were already on the decline, but Mafia Don and his enablers have sped up the process by several years in just the 20 months they've been in power. Ditto on climate change.
5
This is the new political strategy of dealing with alienation. A continuance in the ongoing thread of vituperation against Trump, by other "personalities" who seek to shame him and his associates, from what has become a bastion of Puritanism.
Journalists and media personalities who are most vocal in this regard preach from an all too familiar moral high ground, that seeks to authorize a political hegemony based on hypocrisy and deceit.
A great portion of the college graduate middle class, who naively stream into the bi-coastal realm of cultural elitism, are subjected to challenges that erode and compromise their morality from the outset. Those who "Can't go home again" wend their way through a process of abandonment of dreams, while continuing to strive and coalesce among the accepted acolytes who are getting on with their lives.
Each generation is gifted a name by cultural media, opening the pathway to a new refuge, that replaces small town America, where they may discover new personae to refresh their fading egos.
Divisive political agendas are driven by manipulation of emotionally pent up energies, providing increased leverage for media as unification fragments.
1
Loss makes you selfish because you are hurting, and we are living in a petty age. For the latter reason I'll let the me-me-me factor squeak in with my personal desires:
The first has already been dashed since I had hoped John McCain, a war hero who survived a horrific term in the hands of the enemy, would live to see Donald Trump 'captured' and carted off and imprisoned for putting a For Sale sign on our country.
As to the second, I hope the 'crowd size' for Senator McCain's memorial dwarfs the turnout for the last presidential inauguration.
I didn't always agree with McCain but I respected and admired him, and am sorry for those he has left behind. Another gone from a dying breed.
16
Probably I’m of like political persuasion as you, KJ, and I also could not help but respect and admire McCain. Among other things, he was an articulate man who could stir me with his words. Words on serving something greater than yourself, on finding your courage, on admitting fault. I’m also certain, without ever having the opportunity to meet him, that he was a world class hell raiser. Raise the glass.
It's not narcissism. It's a power play. Associate yourself with a hero and therefore you're a hero too.
2
This prompted some much needed self-reflection. Thank you. May Senator McCain rest and peace and his family and friends find comfort in their grief.
8
Not sure if my first, longer post will make 'the cut,' ... but wished to add this, and maybe it is more to the point anyway.
And that is, for ALL of this, all that Mr. Bruni discusses, the horror in the Oval, all of it:
I blame the Kardashians.
8
Well said, Mr. Bruni. If it isn’t about me, then why should I be interested?
2
I find it fascinating that Donald Trump never, ever comments on his narcissism, which is constantly deconstructed, analyzed and ripped to shreds. It’s like the third rail for him. He just won’t go there, even to refute it, call it fake news, joke about it, or rebut it. Is it because of a lack of self-awareness? Is this a thing with narcissists, that they can even bring themselves to deny it? I think this must be telling in some huge way, but I just don’t know how.
4
And then today, August 27th, just following publication of this column was the White House and Oval Office in ultimate narcissism and selfishness. Silence. Shocking lack of tradition and protocol and what that indicates about the WH.
The silence of the U.S. president was, as McRaven said last week, an instance when the president of the United States embarrassed us all in front of the world and our children. What a egomaniacal act on the president's part. Self-centered petty ego and quite sickening when one really reflects upon that lack of joining others in grief and mourning. Will this get through to voters?
Here in McCain is one of the Senators who was willing to talk across the isle. He had some humility, he talked about his foibles and rose above them in many ways. As Obama wrote, he was tested beyond what most of us know. In the best of senses, McCain's arc of time in public service eclipses the very being of Trump. Then too, silence about McCain is an abuse of our military. Bad move.
One understands in the Age of Narcissism, the immense contribution of social media, making self-centeredness and arrogance "normal" in current culture. So, Trump seemed part of the normal, self-centered culture. He is not.
One hopes with an increasing focus on empathy, concern for the other, the reason to have a working conscience, the focus on community vs. individualism, that those vital, cherished values will get through to the voters in stark contrast to Trump.
6
@NextGeneration And if Trump had gushed and waxed poetic over McCain you would have hated that too...The man can't win.
Let's just remember, United States, next time the farcical debate about the patriotic duty of football players rolls around...
The Commander-in-Chief of the United States is so petty that he could not find the patriotism within himself to acknowledge the service of a deceased veteran and POW. It is not as if anyone could demand Trump claim even mild friendship with McCain, but to be so small that he couldn't manage so much as a DIRECT REFERENCE to someone who, by any definition, knew what it meant to suffer in the course of one's duty? Even curtailing half-mast honors?
Trump asks about Sessions, "What kind of man is this?" It's time we all admit that this country has been asking the same about Trump for quite a while now. It is one thing to dodge Vietnam. I'm told it was a very strange time, and fair enough! I could truly accept that and let it go. But just what kind of person is too cowardly to perform their own duties when called upon, but finds the bravery to mock the sacrifices of those who DID? And now that Trump has INEXPLICABLY found himself entrusted with literal armies, fleets, wings and battalions of people like McCain ready to do and die... what kind of man is he that he deludes himself into to imagining he's equal to so much as a prospective recruit thinking about enlisting?
Commander-in-Chief... please. We may as well throw in Surgeon General or Dalai Lama for all the substantive meaning such titles hold as they relate to him and his character.
11
I, too, am a journalist, and I think Frank Bruni is using a paint roller instead of an artist's brush in this column. Many people who are touched by a death want to give their grief some context. Simply repeating that "He was a great man and a courageous hero" adds nothing to the conversation about McCain's death--the obituary covers that. Instead, many attempt to describe their grief in context to their own lives. Is repeating the trite ad nauseam of more value than sharing an anecdote or a point of connection to another's life? There is a difference between "I am sad that..." and "I am sad because...".
12
About the problem of extortion of narcissism of social media.
Because myself is the authorization of self-love, social media is not good because there are aspects sensitive to excessive self-love of others.
"Self-satisfaction" and "self-manifestation" appear on the front as soon as they lack objectivity, a neutral perspective, and a bird's-eye viewpoint.
It is impossible for everyone to have a high journalism soul, but I think there is a need to raise awareness.
Addiction to Facebook and Twitter — posting every emotion, thought, deed and urge — has all but erased the expression of personal feelings of deference, humility or respect. The only leadership Trump provides is the non-stop bad example of posting every self-serving stray thought and insult. An utter lack of sympathy for McCain serves as yet another sad instance of Trump’s self-centered pettiness.
We're an egotistical bunch.
And thanks for sharing your thoughts. It's always good to know what someone else thinks our goal should be.
2
My initial impression of even President Obama’s tweet was that it was overly self-referential, and I’m an Obama fan.
3
Important reflection, Mr. Bruni. As a former minister who performed many memorial services, this makes me reflect on "eulogies" that often were about the living, as I suppose they somehow, understandably "need" to be.
Yet, I'm also struck by how your article could be applied to religion itself. The "Great Teacher" dies or disappears and his (always a male) instructions end up all about US (the church, synagogue, mosque, temple).
Could we say that religion is the ultimate narcissism, esp. given our anthropomorphic gods?
2
I just discovered Frank Bruni. An article as insightful as it is well written. Madonna is solipsistic? Had to look it up. Great word. Great summary of the age of narcissism. I'll be reading everything of Frank Bruni going forward.
3
This is hardly surprising given that we now live in a "selfie" world. Unfortunately.
1
Talking about one's own feelings when a loved one or a much admired person dies seems normal to me. After all, we are the ones who are left. We are the ones who must continue living. The trouble with our current President's response to John McCain's death is that he still hates Sen. McCain even after he is gone. And it doesn't bother him to let everyone know how he feels. That's rare. That's sick.
20
I mostly disagreed with John McCain and his political positions, but I found him to be accessible as a human being and honorable in the spirit of integrity. I mourn his passing and the passing of the Republican party he represented. What is left is an ugly facsimile of conservative politics.
10
A person doesn't have to die for this to happen. If someone gets sick, doesn't one often say "Get well soon!" and then relate how they recovered from a recent illness in the next breath?
2
"I also blame journalism"... Journalists incessantly ask witnesses to some tragedy or news event "so how does this make you feel?" or "what are you feeling now?" The press positively demands people to tell the story through how it impacts their feelings. On occasions it's positively made me sick when the emotional ramification becomes becomes the story itself. Narcissism indeed. No surprise Frank.
2
Not a new literary genre.
...I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him...
3
Obitutunity is the portmanteau for which you were looking.
1
GREAT WRITING: sharp.
3
Narcissism is the bane of todays American society.
Bruni is right-on in identifing this scourge of
self-entitlement laced ego.
Every aspect is magnified by the media in search of
selfaggrandizement and vanity.
The large majority of the time, completely groundless.
F3
Politicians do strange things when famous people pass away. Famous people do strange things when politicians pass away. So???
Our president has a significant mental disability (probably Narcissistic Personality Disorder with sociopathic features, an extremely dangerous diagnosis in a position of power, and yes, we do have enough evidence at this point). I do not blame him. But, which political party nominated and elected him? Who are the propagandists for said party? Who is allowing the guy with the mental disability to remain president?
Madonna and Neal Schon are in rather harmless positions, Trump is not. The analogy is not perfect. The first two may continue their narcissistic ways, the latter at our peril.
4
I have always felt that you are one of the master opinion columnists of our time, always with your arrow in the bull's eye, or the heart, as you have done here. And who should understand this better than ME.
1
Instead of becoming infatuated with airplane pilots who joined the foolish idea to bomb the people of Hanoi, Vietnam and for no good reason, It might be a better thing if we rose up with Muhammad Ali to fight against unjust and unnecessary wars.
Seems to me that John McCain was mostly a decent fellow with some strong feelings about certain things. Like many others during war,he was captured by the enemy and suffered.
As for real heroes, i'd pick those who are daily trying to get by with little or no money, those who care for the sick and dying and teachers who try to help some difficult kids all day long also nurses changing bed pans night and day.If anything, we've got our hero's mixed up here in the U.S.A.
11
Frank, McCain came back from Vietnam, after bombing it relentlessly (23 sorties) and being captured, tortured and brutalized, to write in praise of Nixon's bombing of Cambodia. McCain supported the brutal Gulf War, the invasion and occupation of Afghanistan, the invasion and occupation of Iraq, the Saudi led bombing of Yemen, which is now the world's largest humanitarian catastrophe. McCain opposed the Iran Nuclear deal. He joked about bombing Iran (using a Beach Boys song). He ran on a militarist "surge" in Iraq platform. He voted with Trump 83% of the time. Hagiography is not obituary writing.
14
It is such an easy trap to fall into. Someone tells a story about their children, their vacation, their work, and the immediate impulse is to tell one own's story. We tell ourselves that we are relating to the person and their story but we are simply trying to insert ourselves into the limelight. It is hard to just listen but something that we can all learn and keep working on.
5
A very well written article. Theme, insights, knowledge/research/examples, text; all exemplary. Best Times article of the year.
5
The deceased cannot feel anymore and suffers no more. We on the other hand have suffered a loss. It is us who are diminished, so it is only natural to express condolences that include specifics about ourselves. Your thinking this over too much and should cut people slack, including yourself. Although you are correct about celebrities and their interests in honoring someone who has died.
I general refrain from saying anything about the dead. I am a big fan of Aretha. That's all I have to say on that. Not so big a fan of John McCain, but I didn't hate him either. He sided with wrong many times, but then, he was honorable when running against Obama. I give him credit for that.
11
No one lives for long. The hope is that people will remember the dead with a smile, with respect, with admiration. Some people die and the living are happy for different reasons. For instance, good riddance. RIP John.
1
Simple, straightforward, and one of your best, Frank.
Thomas Murphy
Trump, narcissist in chief, a small man, does not know how to honor McCain, a giant and a hero, It is not in his playbook even if his staff write the words and urge him to tweet.
6
Madonna is a brand, and like any brand, she globs-on to any other brand that burnishes it. After all, Louise Ciccione's stock-in-trade are cultural artifacts she's purloined from the black, gay and Puerto Rican communities. It certainly isn't that dreadful "voice" of hers.
As for the rest of us, making a celebrity death all about "me" is not narcissistic. How else am I supposed to memorialize someone I didn't know and whose life only impacted me symbolically? I grew up listening to Barry Manilow. When the man dies, I'll be distraught - not because I knew him or even met him, but because I was a gay teenager living in Texas in the 70s during the height of his career.
Finally, John McCain was a public figure. Trump's pot-shots about his military career were and are disgusting. But his politics were pretty awful and he played his own role in the rise of Republican reaction - and those like you who supported him in spite of it. Memorializing McCain's warts isn't narcissistic; it's part of the cost of being a public citizen.
8
"It's ME, ME, ME" that concerns "Citizen Trump" most - his brain is too small to even try to focus on others. Will we ever get used to it? Only when he is impeached, convicted and jailed will we be able to return to our 'normal' selves.
7
why can't the whole world (led by 'media') have a, "let's not mention...him...day". included of course would be his name, implying his name or other obscure reference to 'him'. If a national security comes up on that same day don't refer to the 'office' as a replacement for his name; choose something appropriately base as...'it', (small case 'i').
Just one day, please.
3
I am glad you are acknowledging the role of the press in the declining standards of decorum. Here is another example. Today's on-line edition of NYT has on its front page a discussion about the White House flag being raised from half mast today while the flag at the Capitol is still at half mast. Inside the story it says that the standard is to have the flag at half mast on the day of death (in this case Saturday) and the next day. So, as far as the reader can tell, the White House did nothing wrong. So why is the NYT suggesting that the White House is trying to "stick it" to McCain or his loved ones? If we are all supposed to be putting aside our differences for a period of "national unity" upon the death of a national hero, shouldn't the NYT do its part by not making a big issue of the fact that the White House chose not to do more than what protocol requires?
3
And while we are speaking about credit to a hero who has died, why hasn't there been a tribute to his still living mother who is 106 and his deceased father? Both of these people had some input into the hero McCain.
2
@Becky
The time will come for that.
2
I rarely agreed with John McCain on any issue and the choice of Palin was more than appalling, after all these years, I am still incredulous. Yet I have never felt such sorrow for the death of a public figure as I have for him. How can one choose to stay in a prison where there is every possibility one may not leave? Yet he did. That was one classy act. Yes he is a maverick, erasable, annoying, unpredictable, etc. These are the qualities that got him through those five years in the Hanoi Hilton. Nothing worse could happen to him. So he is free to make the decisions he did because the possible recriminations are nothing like he had already suffered. But more than that, he was a kind, decent man. His death forces us to face the horror that is in the White House now. When all we want is a decent man.
48
@Janet Yes. A decent President, woman or man.
2
@Janet
I do believe you meant irrascible, along with maverick et al.
1
With all that's going on in the world, I could not care less about this "issue." Who gives a hoot about Frank's picking through social media posts and videos and finding examples to support this narrow narrative? Now we have to express sorrow or grief through a filter approved by Frank Bruni?
Mr. Bruni used to write about things that made me think. Things that mattered. Things that made me expand.
I don't know what happened this summer, but depth and breadth has been in short supply with his columns. Remember the recent "greatest first lady" and "secretarial school" drivel? None of it worth my time or attention like this column today. It's like a summer intern is pinch hitting.
10
As the narcissist at a cocktail party famously said to his companion, "Well, you've probably heard me talk enough about me. Why don't YOU talk about me?"
5
I have no idea what the point of Frank Bruni’s narcissistic sanctimony is other than to demonstrate the depth of his own hypocrisy.
Some of us aren’t attaching our analog selves to our digital proclamations in so ‘transparent’ a manner.
4
Good column. What a shame Mr. Bruni had to spoil it at the very end by boasting of all the important jobs he's done and the books he's written.
2
@William Turrell That blurb is at the bottom of each and every column Frank writes. Similar blurbs appear at the end of every other NYT columnist's output as well. Stating facts in a brief bio is not boasting.
3
@William Turrell Oh, come on! There's a short bio under every columnist's piece. You protest too much.
1
@Paul it was a joke.
You should write my obituary. At my request, it should not include any reference to me.
2
@richard wiesner
Next we'll see selfies from the Kardashian clan saying:
"Here's what our bodies in bikinis looked like when we heard that Senator McCain had died."
That is our culture in a nutshell.
4
Anyone who has studied the Victorian Era is familiar with the concept of mourning etiquette - by that measure, I would argue that "death in the age of narcissism" has existed since then, to an extent. There is a societal expectation of a complex of behaviors in which people participate upon someone's death. Though they vary over time, these customs have long been somewhat of a status symbol and an opportunity to show the depth of your grief. Yes, some of it is genuine. Some of it is for show. But I don't agree that this impulse to insert ourselves into the narrative of someone's death is new. I think that showing the depths of our grief through personal narrative is not exclusive to the present. Sure, it's not all genuine and can be quite distasteful. But I believe it stems from a much earlier tradition.
3
When someone dies, their friends and loved ones tend to gather and share stories about the person - some touching, some humorous. It is a way of memorializing the person and of grieving. It is a way of remembering the person as they lived, instead of how they died.
I think we are still trying to figure out how some of that works in the age of social media. When friends and family gather after a death, everyone tends to know everyone else or at least introductions have been made that help people know how others were connected to the person. In social media, I think people sometimes honestly struggle with whether their story needs to be prefaced to provide some of that context. I would distinguish between stories that focus primarily on something kind or helpful or humorous that Mr. McCain did and statements that are more clearly just about the person making the statement.
3
Over 45 years as a Lutheran pastor, including 20 as a hospice chaplain, I have had the privilege of conducting many funerals and memorial services.In that context one learns to recognize comments and tributes which honor the deceased and amplify their best or most human qualities and how they affected the speaker. By contrast it also becomes clear when someone uses the life of the deceased as a pretext for a statement about themselves, their status or their own agenda.
To be generous here let's assume people in both circumstances are well intentioned. Some just don't have the appropriate social or emotional awareness or skills to know or do better.
35
And the road to hell is paved with..?
2
The likes of Madonna helped to elevate the likes of Trump.
5
What can one expect in a country where the leader of the state refers to himself in the third person and raises the flag on his DC residence - one that belongs to the people - to full mast when the one of the Capitol is still on half mast?
The King has returned form his golf course, up with the flag, pronto.
3
Frank....of all of the 'tweets' (good,bad & mostly goofy) penned by our President over the course of the long national nightmare that is the Trump administration....I don't recall him including a full picture of himself as he appeared to do in his 'condolence tweet' to Senator McCain's family.
Nice Touch...
3
Heads of state don't get the elaborate send-off that John McCain is getting.
@sharon5101 -What a curious (and untrue) comment. You seem to have a complaint, but why? Sounds like something a Trumpist would whine about.
6
Well, Frank you certainly nailed it...Enough said.
8
The petulant little child once again shows his true colors. McCain dissed me, so no mention of him at Ft. Drum. He dies, so I lower flag for a few hours and issue a vanilla "thoughts and prayers" bit of pablum, then start tweeting about how great I am.
All about me.
What a public servant.
Just when I thought he could not get any more repulsive, he comes up with this stuff. Incredible....and sad.
6
Like Rick Warren says in his book, "The Purpose-Driven Life" - It's not about you.
3
Frank, ever noticed that the biggest, loudest braggarts are usually total frauds ? It’s like they are compensating for their teeny, tiny, minuscule...shortcomings. It’s all a part of our celebrity, reality TV culture. Any no talent, ignorant , nasty person can finagle themselves onto a TV show, and become
“ famous “. THAT is apparently the NEW American Dream, and God help us all. Seriously.
4
No offense, Mr. Bruni, but aren’t you committing the same obituary opportunism of which you blame others? This column isn’t about McCain but about the eulogist eulogizing him or herself instead of the dead. Of course, we like to think that the people we admire have traits in common with ourselves, which smacks of narcissism. As Anthony said, “I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him,” but irony notwithstanding, all of the good he eulogized about Caesar was true of him. “I am no orator as Brutus is but a plain, blunt man who loves his friend...I only speak right on.”
3
@Ichabod Aikem - Frank"s article isn't a eulogy.
@Joe Yes, it is eulogizing the death of sincere eulogies about the actual deceased.
1
On point. And related, note the frequency with which journalists now use the expression “in my reporting”.
2
Thank you Mr. Bruni. Well said.
2
And then there is the AZ senate candidate who complained that McCain died just to throw shade on her candidacy.
21
Congratulations Frank. You actually managed to indict someone, if not OTHER THAN, at least IN ADDITION TO Donald Trump. It's a big step, I know. Maybe your TDS is subsiding, just a wee bit.
1
When Trump issued his brief tweet expressing condolences to the family but not mentioning the Senator, there was a full-length photo on the left side, running from top to bottom, dwarfing the message. Guess whose photo it was? (Hint: He's the most obnoxious narcissist to ever set foot in the White House.)
12
This column is so right, but the phenomenon -- using someone else's death to talk about oneself -- has been going on for decades. I remember it in an obituary of Northrop Frye, who died in 1991.
Mr. Bruni makes a lot of good points in this op-ed. However, in Madonna’s defense, MTV asked her to tell a personal story about how Aretha Franklin had inspired her throughout her career. MTV reps also confirmed this, and added that they plan to do a full length tribute to Ms. Franklin at some point. So enough with the Madonna bashing!
8
I can't get over the fact that the current occupant of the White House has neither the decency -- nor the guts -- to even mention the name of John McCain.
No doubt it's because any mention of someone else takes the focus off of Trump, but more importantly because the current president knows that Senator McCain was a thousand times the man Donald Trump could ever be.
31
@Smitaly- I don't want to here this guy say one think about McCain. Not his name. Nothing.
I agree completely with Mr. Bruni. He writes just what I would have said myself, had I become a journalist. I would have been a great journalist - great, had that been the direction I chose, but I didn't. It's terrific that Frank Bruni is on my wavelength on this. People simply spend too much time talking about themselves!
29
@Cathy
LOL
4
This column is one of Frank's best. Without being heavy-handed, it shines a clear light on an aspect of American culture that we all need to think about and question.
23
This is a beautiful, brilliant and timely article . It becomes increasingly clear in this age of “I Me Mine” how someone like Donald Trump could be elected, and how so many of his offensive actions could be met with a shrug by nearly half of the American people .
10
I agree with D Price. I have a story about Leonard Nimoy, which for obvious reasons I will not share here. The only reason I ever tell it is to demonstrate how kind he was to a nobody--me. The true test of character is how someone treats people who cannot benefit them, so sometimes such stories can be more illustrative and truthful then any branding.
48
“Me-generation” begot “MElennials” and here
we all are, locked
into the “I”
5
I suppose expressing one's opinion becomes less narcissistic when one is paid for doing so.
6
I date this to the tragic death of Princess Diana where the Queen was forced to atone for her initial lack of public grief.
3
Yes to all of this. Your use of solipsistic in a sentence brightened my day. Here’s your SAT word kiddos!
3
Guilty as charged.
Mia Culpa .
1
I think this narcissism business is a bit overdone. How else can we discuss somebody in any interesting way except to tell a story about what he or she meant to us. How arrogant would I be if I were, for instance, to speak of Michael Tilson Thomas, the conductor, and say what a great conductor he is. What do I know about conducting? I do know that when I was young I met the gentleman at a Carnegie Hall function and chatted with him, somewhat dwarfed by his position. He addressed me in a disarmingly friendly manner. Likewise when I met Paulina Rubio, the Latina pop star, and the ballerina, Viviana Durante, both of whom were gracious. What's wrong with discussing what impression a celebrity might leave on us? If people aren't talking about their personal encounters, they'd better be historians. When Hamlet sees the head of the court's jester, Yorick, does he give an encomium about the man, and be deemed presumptuous? No, he says: "“Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rims at it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now? your gambols? your songs? your flashes of merriment, that were wont to set the table on a roar? ” Would you prefer he had referred us to Wikipedia?
14
I agree. While I understand Bruni’s opinion when pointing to the extremes (Trump, Madonna), I don’t thinks it’s fair to include the vast majority of eulogies in this narcissistic category. For example, the Feingold essay over the weekend allowed the rest of us to picture McCain in a way we might otherwise have missed—the humorous McCain—and all the stories Feingold told were personal ones that brought this particular attribute to life. Whether remembrances of a famous person like McCain, or eulogies for my uncle given by people I’ve known all my life....it’s all just about stories. We need to hear the stories to laugh, to ponder and to connect.
4
Great title!
2
I don't know what pleases me more, the fact that this great man only wanted other great men at his funeral and, therefore, specifically asked Trump not to attend or the fact that we would have surely heard the worst eulogy in American oratory history. It might have been the "Have you no decency, sir" moment we've all been waiting for...."I knew..him.. when he was just an ex-captured guy I thought might help me win the election. It didn't turn out that way but I won bigly anyway, as you can see by the Electoral Map I set up behind me. The thing I liked most about..him.. was how much he liked me. I hear from people all the time that they like me. I'm more liked than Lincoln on twitter, did you know that? A lot of people don't know that. They tell me.. he.. stood for courage, decency, individualism and patriotism, you know, a loser. I could have told..him.. how to win but he had to listen to some higher power when that crazy lady said Obama was an Arab. He corrected her instead of affirming her fears, which, turns out, was the winning strategy. Well I didn't think I'd be able to fill five minutes talking about..him.. but I did better than expected. Remember It's two for one drinks at the Trump Hotel in DC for all mourners as long as the flag is half staff over the White House. Let's have another big hand for..him, come on let him hear it. It's been a pleasure talking to you but, if I'm being honest, you haven't, exactly been a rally for me." Trump couldn't shine..his.. boots
9
Frank,
A so-so column saying things we all know already. You must be running out of ideas. I can give you plenty if you want.
Meanwhile you have much work to do to make up for your praise-fest on Melania last week.
1
Oh Mr. Bruni! That was delightful. Thank you.
It reminds me of something I wrote a few years back--and the very next day a letter addressed to me PERSONALLY arrived in the mail. A letter from--oh what's his name--right!--Senator McCain and I remember thinking as I opened that letter. . . . .
. .JUST KIDDING, MR. BRUNI! I'M PULLING YOUR LEG.
Midway through your piece, I did look up something on Wikipedia. Lincoln's Second Inaugural. Has anyone noticed this? I'm sure they have.
The man had a HORROR of the first person singular.
Think about it, The Second Inaugural is the GOLD STANDARD of inaugural addresses. I have heard, when composing his own address. . . .
. . .. our twentieth President (James Garfield) spent many a long hour pondering the effort of his great predecessor.
Well, sir--to come to the point:
The word "I" occurs once. ONCE! The word "myself" occurs once. ONCE! And that's it.
"The progress of our arms is as well-known to the public as to MYSELF. . . .and is, I trust. . . .."
The end. Elsewhere, Mr. Lincoln does NOT say, "When I was delivering the inaugural address. . . ."
Oh no!. He says, "When the inaugural address was being delivered . . . ."
Examples could be multiplied.
I have not counted the number of times I have used "I" in this comment.
A lot more than Lincoln did--that's for sure.
And I'm ashamed of myself.
Sorry.
5
Just this cutline: "But enough about John McCain. Here’s some more about me." ....I've been laughing since it went up a hour ago.
4
"I also blame journalism". Yep
3
I read and write here because the participants are selected by their ability to read the New York Times.
3
Perhaps the most persistent narcissistic message has to be the individual pictured on ever cover of "O". Enough said.
3
Hard to believe but it really isn't about YOU!
1
Ah. If only I had the gift to render a story with the elegant turn of phrase of a Frank Bruni, instead of writing something "obliquely or clumsily attached to the sadness at hand."
Sadly, only a few qualify to write for the Times.
3
Don't be so hard on yourself, Frank, or your wide pro-am circle of wordists – you’ll want them to say nice things about you when you kick the keyboard…
Whenever anyone puts something into writing, they have ample chance to revise - or even delete - their smarmiest and most self-absorbed utterances...
Most anyone, anyway – and it shows…
TV gravitas and play-by-play and color commentary – on the other hand – offer no chance or cause for introspection...
Last HDTV display of this – Megharry nuptials...
“…The carriage has begun to move from the front of the church…
“…All four spoked wheels turning in synchrony – metaphor for the well-oiled but dated and gnarled machine that is the monarchy…
“…now the carriage itself is turning – all part of the plan, upon reaching a curve in the path…
“…Unless things change, we’re told we can expect the carriage to turn at every such curve…
…..
Usually, find some facts…Just made this stuff up – what’s out there is worse…
Now just waiting for 84 hours of nonstop coverage as they break into regular summer reruns already in progress…
“…He looks so peaceful…
“…As if he’s just sleeping – in the Lincoln bedroom…
…We’re trying to get a reading from a SCOTUS justice on whether he can cast a vote against something Trump’s pushing – up to the point they (gravediggers, not team Trump) cover him with dirt…
“…A vote against a new NAFTA – from the hereafta…What fitting tribute that’d be…
“…Just in – NRA to be staging a 21 million gun salute…
5
If I use "obituary opportunism," do I have to give Mr. Brunei credit and cite this article?
1
insightful
1
Frank, I think you are correct in your perception but perhaps a bit too harsh: After all, the person being eulogized is dead and cannot possibly benefit. It may be more accurate to just say that almost ALL of what goes on after someone dies is about those still living.
My takeaway is that when Mr. McCain passed, his life's work became more fixed and known. How each of us measures up to our perception of him and who he was became easier to assess. And assessing themselves against McCain's giant life is too tempting to resist.
Let's just say that there are some massive egos out there trying to stand on the balls of their feet in an effort to look bigger...and better...by comparison to McCain's imperfect but worthy life.
3
@Lkf
"...ALL of what goes on after someone dies is about those still living."
True, but I've always thought that just for a few short days it should all be about the person who has died, because for them that will likely be the end of such focus and attention. Those still living can surely wait gracefully for a few days.
1
But what comes next? Will there be a post-narcissistic period or is this just the way it will always be? It sucks, The news media has become painful. The narratives and the individual points of view have become so strong and predictable that consuming the “news” is just no longer enjoyable. It would be nice if the NYT would take the lead and create some balance. Regardless of your politics, does anyone really want to read 10 different self-aggrandizing stories of personal outrage over the Trump Administration every day? NYT doing better than WAPO but not by much.
2
At the heart of narcissism, ironically-- is the fear of really being seen. Narcissists often exude what seems like self confidence: it is a cover for what they fear will be betrayal: "what if someone finds out I'm just a hollowed out nothing on the inside?" Hence the need to hitch one's seemingly sad wagon to someone else's more seemingly famous, charismatic, powerful, star etc. Thank you for pointing out a hungry place in the human heart that affects so many.
1
FINALLY, the flag at the White House is back to half-staff, where it should have been all along.
John McCain was like the storied Roman Senators of old, the stuff of myth and legend, whose personal courage and virtue and service to his Republic were simply unquestioned, but were part of the iron spine that held people together; no less shall we honor John McCain.
2
Personally, I'm tired of the petulant adolescent posture of Trump. True, he has always been the petulant adolescent from the earliest I ever heard of him.
As to our honoring hero's: words are spoken but deeds are what matters. The reality is that McCain tried, sometimes failed, but always tried to fulfill his commitments to both nation and family. He was human like the rest of us and acknowledged his flaws and mistakes.
As a fellow Navy Veteran who served in Viet-Nam I know something of what it all meant and McCain's drive to try and make things right. All I can to do honor his memory is to be the best citizen I can be.
40
At the root of such self-absorption & pathological narcissism is immaturity.
Adulthood is supposed to be a gradual maturing and outward movement away from self-centeredness to concern for others and community--as least according to Erik Erikson's theory of psychosocial development that describes psychosocial advancements, or not, from birth through old age.
On the positive side, young adults become better able to engage in intimacy ("deep communicative relationships") with others. Middle aged adults become more generative (concerned with the larger community, giving to others to make the world a better place). And old age can be a fulfilling time of feeling a sense of integrity, wisdom, and peace (that life was lived with honesty, fidelity, and caring, despite life's setbacks).
The opposite outcome for each of these 3 stages is self-absorption, stagnation, and despair.
The sad thing is our materialistic, hedonistic, celebrity culture promotes immaturity and coming up short on healthy psychological development.
Just look what kind of people manage to rise to the top of the status hierarchy here in politics, business, finance, and popular culture. And then there are all the ambitious wannabes jockeying for position and playing their self-centered zero-sum game that they can only win if others lose.
Here's the irony. Studies of leadership, morale, and productivity indicate the best leaders are humble people who look outward and care for others.
Vote accordingly
28
People write about their thoughts. That’s pretty normal.
Criticizing people because they can connect with another human being in a personal way doesn’t seem very kind.
Eulogies often refer to personal experiences. It exemplifies human beings engaging with other human beings. And memories can be so telling.
I (excuse me for I, I guess) would feel honored if when I (excuse me again) die, people can remember me (excuse me, a form of I) with a personal story or connection. Isn’t that humanity, after all?
18
Perhaps you shouldn't be blaming "social media" or "journalism" for what you acknowledge is your own narcissism. The problem doesn't get better until we all start to own it.
Trump is a mentally unstable extreme narcissist. He is and always has been. His inhumanity, amorality, greed and gross incompetence, his disdain for the American people and the rule of law - this is Donald Trump through and through. He is the face of the Republican Party - they chose this lowlife to represent them.
This is the most critical election year in US history. Americans must now be so disgusted to the point that they are willing to go to the polls in massive numbers and outvote the rabid MAGA hatters. They must be so upset by the daily onslaught of Trumpian nightmares that they rise up in anger and protest to throw Trump and his Republican lackeys out of office. If not, then there is nothing more to say.
70
@jefflz
"Obama is who we aspire to be, Trump is who we are" DL Hughley
2
@James
Trump was greased into office by a mere 24% of the potential electorate. He is not who we are unless we remain passive. Get out the vote!
@jeffiz in San Francisco - don’t forget the slippery Russian lard that surely helped those votes slide — and trumputin’s admission, during the campaign, that he was aware that election was “rigged” right around the time he also asked Russia, directly, to “find” the emails of his political challenger.
If Mr. McCain hadn’t been unfortunate enough to witness it all while alive, he’d surely be spinning in his grave. For _this_ America he suffered all those years as a POW?!
RIP, Senator.
Amen.
2
At first I thought the unaccountable rise in first person singular was a grasp at authenticity. There are so many voices in media's ocean of ink and sound that presenting yourself as familiar somehow conveys expertise. The speaker is explaining their relationship to the subject such that their voice will be heard in all the competing sound.
Shameless self-aggrandizement at the expense of others is something entirely more recent. I don't know. Maybe it's old. We're only now just becoming accustomed to it's mass application. There's always someone at the funeral trying to demonstrate their love and affection for the deceased like the ceremony were some sort of contest. Keep you're eye out for them next time. They are always there. I'm simply unaccustomed to remote celebrities competing for the self-important status of funeral know-it-all.
2
A while back, when it was revealed that Trump's "charity" had paid $10,000 to commission a portrait of--yes!--Donald J. Trump, I figured that we, as a nation, had passed some invisible point of 'no return' in its acceptance of extreme, vulgar narcissism.
But Frank, 'class' and 'grace' are timeless personality qualities celebrated in antiquity. Yes, these values appear to be eclipsed--for the present--but I doubt they'll disappear permanently.
'Teaching moments' may occur through negative examples--perhaps the absolutely wretched example of Trump (and many others) will ultimately draw our attention to what's sorely been missing in public life. A hint of how far we've fallen will be noted, perhaps, after Barack Obama and George Bush share some much-needed thoughts at John McCain's service... while also reminding us that examples of grace and class do, in fact, live on.
38
Another area where this country could be a bit less narcissistic is politics. People seem to spend a lot of time thinking and talking about how one's vote affects or reflects on oneself ("I just can't bring myself to vote for so-and-so...") or that one is a passive participant to be courted by politicians ("so-and-so hasn't earned my vote.") When speak of their reasons for voting or not voting, it is much more often about "I" or "me," and rarely about "we" or "us" or "the country."
Perhaps we should think more on how our votes affect the ultimate course of our country and the world, and a bit less about ourselves. Even where the ultimate course might not be our ideal one, we should focus on our duty to steer this ship away from the icebergs.
13
Mr. Bruni: Many thanks for your thoughtful piece, really shining a spotlight on who and what many of us have become. I am firmly coming to the opinion that the experiment has failed. The pendulum has swung too far out to ever come back. It's time for a healthy meteor strike... or, at the very least, a benevolent, loving Creator that realizes that a strong grip upon the existential Etch A Sketch followed by a nice, liberal shake or two is well in order.
15
I actually agree with the publicist of Neal Schon. Speaking clearly matters. The band "performed" together, but it was Neal who had "arranged" the tribute alone. What if it was a real pain for him to do so, and he had to really convince his unwilling band members? Why should they get credit for his idea? "That" would have been narcissistic, and not of Neal.
While I agree that generally narcissism seems to have increased I think it is equally important to take measures to sort out the difference between "healthy" and "unhealthy" narcissism. Just because someone looks in the mirror does not make one a narcissist. But if one looks in the mirror 24/7, well, then that's much more likely the case.
1
@Aly: Because the entire point of a tribute is the person being remembered, not the person or group who arranged it! That a publicist even reached out to make sure everyone knew who arranged the visual tribute to Franklin is precisely what Bruin is lamenting. Anonymity is a virtue much underused and underestimated in our Trumpian, selfie-obsessed, Instagram era of “its all about me.” Enough already.
1
Jeez, cut us mere mortals some slack. People try to connect with others. Some of it may be virtue-signaling, or whatever you call it, but mostly it's just an attempt to relate some sort of connection to someone we didn't know personally but were touched by. I didn't see Madonna's display of ego, because I don't watch music award shows (yes, I'm virtue-signaling), or read about them, thus avoiding the terrible suffering that apparently results when multimillionaire celebrities preen.
8
Amen! But it isn't just in regard to "mourning" or "grief" that the third-person singular gets subsumed in the Great I Am. The other day in the NYT - of all places - there was a piece that had the word "I" in it thirteen times in one paragraph. It seems that every event, occasion, or emotion is of value mostly as a hook on which to hang a comment, op-ed, or memoir.
3
Aretha Franklin : National Treasure, Donald Trump: National Embarrassment. What else really needs to be said by anyone?
Where Trump's silence on Senator McCain's passing is concerned and his continued need to wage war on a dead man, it speaks volumes, much more loudly than any of his tweets do, to his smallness, pettiness, insecurity.
86
People share little anecdotes about their interactions with the deceased at funerals all the time in person, so perhaps it’s appropriate when done respectfully to highlight the other person instead of sharer.
I do wholeheartedly agree we live in a time of social media narcissism and some of the ridiculous, self-serving “tributes” embody this trend.
What a time to be alive.
3
It is in poor form when performers are so stuck on themselves that they do not pay proper tribute to someone else. But that is in a different category from when a sitting president not only snubs an esteemed political leader, but begrudges him posthumously. How petty can anyone be? No, John McCain did not take well to Trump. Why should he have? Trump made fun of McCain for being a POW. Trump went so low as to suggest that McCain's "no" vote on a bad healthcare bill was due to his illness. Trump never apologized for McCain's terminal condition being referenced disparagingly in a White House meeting. And McCain was right to criticize Trump's meeting with Putin. Why would McCain have invited this shameful man to his funeral?
Donald being himself, he of course has to think he's getting in the last word. But he's wrong. History will have the last word and will show that Trump doesn't hold a candle next to McCain.
19
You may be right Mr. Bruni, some people may insert themselves in the deceased's biography due to narcissism. But in the case of the "nobodies" or mere mortals...like me, we feel we need to justify our grief. When Roberto Gómez Bolaño died, I cried as if he were my own family. Why? I never met him. It is sort of embarrassing to mourn someone you never met in person, and even worse, a person who doesn't know you even exist. It gets worse when you acknowledge publicly (social media) that you are saddened by the dead of someone who didn't care about you. As for McCain, he was a public servant and his constituents play a small role in his life; and I felt he cared about me, about all of us really. I am mourning him, for a very selfish reason. I feel he was one of the few dissidents and revolutionaries in this nightmare of a presidency. He was a beacon of light in the Republican party. He was living proof that there was some decency in that party left; but he is no more. As for the Unmentionable resident in the WH ...are we really still trying to understand his classless behavior?
8
@siyque i can relate to your feelings for Bolano, but i have no feelings for McCain - there I go relating myself to the "great" deceased.
I believe we are making up for the lack of attention we felt (lack of love?) from our mother as a kid. Mom, look at me, mom, over here! Mommyyyyyyyyyyy!!
Our mothers are a representation of The Mother, our life giver. Therefore we must prove that we (ego?) exist.
2
Better late than never that the president of the United States just this afternoon lowered the flag over the White House to half-staff and recognized the death of American patriot and Senator John McCain on Saturday? Enough about John McCain, the hero -- what about Trump, our first and last supremely narcissistic president? We are living in an age we never could have fathomed when the internet was created. Never could have believed that social media would be guiding our lives to the sickening extent it does today. The American character of 2018 is Trumpian via Twitter. We are ashamed, but hey, as President Trump said at the death of Aretha Franklin last week, "I knew her...she used to work for me". How low we have fallen in America today! The abyss of morality and human kindness, the burial ground of democracy lies before us. Morality and human kindness, American values -- all that we have treasured in our 200 year history -- have been trashed in the ashcan of narcissism.
19
Instead of pointing out the shortcoming of the way others make tributes you could have left a worthy tribute to Mr. McCain. You wasted your opportunity.
5
Of course, now I am all too interested in seeing my comment appear here. Guilty!
Yes, a good point.
But in addition to the absurd self-reference included in "tributes," I find most of the tributes ridiculous. Why people who had no relationship to McCain feel compelled to tell us how they feel, is beyond me.
It is the same, stupid, phenomenon when a famous entertainer dies. Oh, the agony! Really?
I don't mean to be calloused, but this odd need to grieve a celebrity seems to be getting worse.
My friends and family members are actual human beings I know. I will grieve (have grieved) them with all my heart.
Some distant famous person . . . not so much.
5
@Barking Doggerel
Couldn't agree with you more.
Blame the cult of celebrity & outsized fandom. And while I'm on my small soapbox, the whole selfie thing & posting photos of your meal or new lipstick, etc is just nuts and boring.
2
@Barking Doggerel
To follow this to its logical conclusion then....maybe the Comments section should be discontinued?
People do it at weddings too: “let me tell you how I met the groom/bride...” followed by a lame, always unsuccessful attempt to be as funny as the world’s greatest standup comedians. “But enough about me. What do you think about me?”
4
“I, Me, Mine” are the only words I could ever imagine being “writ large” on a Trump tombstone one day.
15
@Susan beneath a statue of himself three times the size of the Lincoln Memorial.
1
Seriously!
Thank you. You nailed it.
5
“...did not make even the most cursory public show of respect on Sunday for Mr. McCain...” And, Mr. Bruni, how’s that for narcissism?
Above and beyond (below and beneath?) this supreme symbolism of pettiness and smallness of soul is the jarring contrast of a military man who “walked the walk” against the fraud who can only “talk the talk.”
This president is making a cultural issue of the flag. It has been a symbol of honor for fallen heroes but, in this case, this president apparently doesn’t think the deceased Senator (or his grieving family) warrants this traditional respect.
One man spent 5 1/2 years in a concentration camp and the other, during those same years (1967-1973), spent the fruit of his manhood hastening away from the dangers of combat with its every promise of painful, crippling (perhaps permanent) injury or the Biblical “long home.”
So, with (most of) America putting on the crepe for the deceased pilot, our “commander-in-chief is conspicuous in his silence save to betake himself to a golf course. And, upon returning to the White House, he peremptorily orders the colors run up their highest point—a pointed insult to a man who went to a place where he himself would not go.
This will be a week in which the GOP’s priorities will be on high display; not so much in policy as in decency and courtesy in its remembrance of one of its men who may have been the last link to a bygone era.
12
This resident of Arizona voted for John McCain one time. It was not in 2008. But, I also sent him email a couple times about issues. And, I really grew to respect him greatly, especially when he announced his stance about torture.
Directing this comment now to the behavior of our dear leader: I cannot believe that the flag at half-staff has been taken down at the WH. It was not OK to disrespect Soldier McCain in the past and Senator McCain in the present. I hope that all veterans take note of this when they vote. Is this the model America wants to teach our children?
389
Trump's sympathy tweet to McCain's family (the condolences included an exclamation point!) included a full length photograph of...Donald Trump.
15
I don't think one can make easy generalizations about this sort of thing. It is a fine line between telling a personal anecdote about one's own connection to the deceased person to highlight the deceased person's impact on the world and the people around him or her, versus capitalizing the death as an opportunity for self-aggrandizement or even unconscious narcissism.
(But tweeting about one's own approval ratings in the wake of tragedy falls well on the ugly side of that fine line.)
14
I don't understand where Robert Bloom and others get the idea that "the philosophy of capitalism is that success is measured by selfish pursuits rather than by efforts to make it a better world." Capitalism actually suggests that the pursuit of economic self interest (which is the path I'm sure Robert and all of us pursue in our own daily lives) results, through no purposeful action, over time, in the best production, of the best products, at the best price, given a level of technology. Saying things like Robert says betrays him either as poorly informed or an ideologue. That so many are critical of capitalism without understanding it is troublesome.
1
It's not just some of our top leaders, it's the cultural thing that we've perpetuated for decades now. We've marketed narcissism as a symbol of success, leadership and now here we are.
23
Of course I must also add, and admit, that these cranky complaints are coming from people, I included, who find it necessary to share every thought they have, almost always with a dollop of self-reference.
2
@Barking Doggerel, Obviously opinion delivered on behalf of corporations carries much greater authority.
"The remark was classic Trump in its offensiveness. But it also reflected a more widespread conflation of eulogy and personal P.R."
Such an astute observation. Like you, I find narcissism is very much on the rise and I do blame it on social media. Where else can anyone be a star of his or her own making (or imagination)?
But public eulogies as PR extensions of the "mourner" are really crass. I can't imagine the impact they can have on families, who probably don't read them at the time but later on will and be saddened all over again.
I think what's missing today is a sense of decorum, of place, of propriety. And it seems to be getting worse. As a modern day Dorothy Parker, Frank Bruni, you're performing a great service by studying the manners of our time, such as they are.
So I thank you for speaking out on this. Maybe if enough people read it, they will try to avoid such excess in the future, when posting on online Obituary "Walls" hosted by funeral homes.
This column reminds me of a funny saying about an over-heightened sense of self: "I may not be much, but I'm all I think about."
Words to remember when giving tribute to others, deceased or living.
50
No one is surprised by the endless pettiness of Trump, a tiny child in a man-suit. Would it really diminish him so much to say John McCain's name? Couldn't he even pretend?
McCain was many things, but he wasn't petty and vindictive, and that is why even in death he stands shoulders above Trump our petty, petulant, presidential pre-schooler in a man-suit. Thank heavens he will not be in attendance at the memorials to McCain this week.
No doubt Trump will do all he can to turn the spotlight on himself. Don't gratify him, press. Let's have a week of tribute to someone who could put country first minus the temper tantrums of one who makes everything about himself. Turn him off; tune him out. No retweets. Silence. Ignore him. Give McCain his due in honor and eulogies to selflessness in service to something bigger than himself. We will be a better country for it. Maybe we will even start to remember when we were worthy of committed public servants; when we were worthy of greatness and capable of shared sacrifice. Bring us together if only for a few days.
152
Thank you. Well thought out and well stated. Silence from the White House would be a relief.
@nora m: I rather suspect that Trump is going to deliver himself of the Mother of all Tweet-storms during McCain's funeral.
A thought provoking column. To those who find this narcissism epidemic too depressing, it may be worth keeping in mind that some of us out there don’t tweet, don’t have Facebook accounts, and only rarely comment about anything online (e.g., in the New York Times comments section) when we feel we have something worth saying.
Narcissists by definition produce a disproportionate amount of noise in this world. Ignore them, stay off social media and you’ll be fine.
91
Yes, yes, and yes--thank you, Mr. Bruni. And thanks for calling out Madonna (UGGHHHH), as well as His Accidency on his classy implication (What? You don't SAY!) that Aretha's claim to fame was that she had been his employee. What an honor THAT must have been.
9
I share John McCains principles ,if not his politics, as I think most AMERICANS do. I share my love of music & God with Aretha Franklin , if I do not share her experiences . They are 2 John Wayne's who have passed recently. I apologize for their names to be shared in the same paragraph as Trumps , he is President COWARDICE. I only share shame for him . God Bless America & save us from the anti-christ. We are blessed in that John & Aretha inspired us to do better. November 2018 is the time for America to be great again ,we lost our way in 2016. Celebrate what we have had to do better.
4
Well said, and how true...
2
You have made an excellent point Frank!
Many of us are very self involved.
This weekend I learned a new concept: malignant narcissist.
The president is a perfect example!
2
Bravo Bruni. Prior to reading this, I endured a snatch of just what you write about at the outset...from John Kasich, seeking to milk some political advantage on TV by talking about him and McCain.
1
@James
They actually were friends, which is why severalmnetworks have asked for Kasich to share memories.
Worth remembering is the fact that Aretha was anointed the "Queen of Soul" by her fans. She didn't do it, we did because what else could we do? We may not have even been worthy of her as it was.
Contrast with the self promotion of today's "artists", selfie addicts and worthless politicians.
The Queen is dead. There will not be another. But that voice will live forever. Thanks!
7
It's going to be difficult to comment on this op-ed.
If I write, "I agree with Frank Bruni's column. We all tend to put ourselves in front of what we are commenting on or complimenting" am I now putting myself in the center?
I guess I won't comment; that seems safe! Ooops, I did it again.
4
@Dan G: We come here to share our experiences equitably.
The McCain family has been embedded in war for generations. Shot down in Vietnam , he was a heroic prisoner but still a war criminal , as the US invasion of Vietnam was wrong and a disaster .
We need to memorialize that .
It is simple.
Anyone who continues to support this so-called president should be pronounced "stateless".
Anyone who defends this so-called president should be pronounced "traitorous".
Anyone who has been or is now part of this so-called president's staff should be
proclaimed as "classless".
All of the above should lose all their rights, all their privileges and all their benefits as Americans.
They are no longer to be deemed citizens because they have chosen to stand against America not for America.
11
@M Blakeslee, They've decided to put logs in their own eyes to detach character from action in the name of mammon.
1
The person who boasts the least is often the best at what they do.
17
@Doug Yes, Warren Buffet comes to mind.
2
Thank you. This really needed to be said.
3
You had to know that a tribute by Madonna would be about Madonna. Trump is the same.
8
I first remember hearing about John McCain while a student at the University of Texas at Arlington. The Mavericks we were called...
2
You are hilarious! Send that to SNL!
Once a person rises to any level of prominence in the public sphere, he or she starts to lose part of their humanity and becomes a "brand." The higher you go, the greater the amount of disconnect between you as that person and the brand that's been created around you. No doubt Elvis and Michael Jackson, for example, could tell you all about it.
In our instant world of potential worldwide moments of internet stardom, which will vanish as quickly as soon as whatever else knocks this moment off the pedestal, little wonder some indulge to make the fading star illumine whatever amount of glory they have, or think that they should have, as if such could rub off in a coattails effect.
It may strike as crass, but people are people. Those who leave us are kept alive in all the stories. And who knows, maybe some future star will wax how awesome she is, thanks to the then dearly departed Madonna. Madonna who?
4
I remember, as a child, when I would become too full of myself, my mother would respond with these words, "Who do you think you are? Queen Bee?" People would probably be horrified today, listening to a mother say this to a child, as wrapped up as we are in building "self-esteem."
But I appreciate my mother's words today. Whenever I become tempted to aggrandize myself - or against my better judgement actually do so - her words come back to me. She taught that being puffed up is never attractive and it demonstrates weakness. Humility is where strength resides. We saw that demonstrated in the life of John McCain.
36
@Lilla Victoria my Mom did the same, except she would call us Mrs. Astor.
Thank you Mr. Bruni. So very true and so very sad. I even cringed at one of the Senator's family member's statements. Ouch.
2
Might social media be taking over the role of family and friends in offering reassurance and encouragement ? Are we more engaged in social media than we are in person? Might this be why children are growing up preferring to talk to Siri than their parents? Is the narcissism increasing because people don’t feel listened to? So, they interject themselves personally in every story. Obviously, this is not a healthy sign that we are discussing, if our president and pop stars can’t look past the end of their noses to see the bigger picture. Recently, I was at a funeral when I was broached by someone with the question, “When will you find the time to ask me about me?” It was extremely apparent that this person is not whole. Our culture at large is NOT whole.
6
This expression of solipsism's many faces is at least as old as Homer, and social media - while undoubtedly the ultimate and proximate vessel of every fall of man since Paris before Helen - didn't invent it. Look on the bright side, for a change: people might wonder what excuse they have to share their uniquely gorgeous grief, without proof of some imputation of blame to the underlying subject. Credentials, the sine qua non of the Press's privileged prestige, dangle from us all these days.
1
Excellent observations . There are many well publicized trafic events which "celebrities" use for personal aggrandizement and to remain in the public eye. I hope this causes your readers to recognize this the next time one rushes to offer their " thoughts and prayers " to someone totally unconnected to them. Frank, when you die I will say that I read your columns.
3
Everything is a competition at funerals. Who knew the deceased the longest? How recently did they see the person before passing away? Who had the person at their wedding? Who went to their wedding? Who is grieving more intensely? Who is going to miss the person the most? Who's going to miss the letters/postcards/holiday greetings? It gives new meaning to the funeral dirge. "Direct all the attention on me."
5
@EnEsEl - Agreed. I attended my first family funeral at age eight and noticed this type of behavior.
I eventually stopped attending funerals and have found other ways to honor and remember my loved ones.
2
Well done, Mr. Bruni. It's very difficult to traverse the narrow path along the precipice of self-regard without oneself falling into the depths below. So true that the death of a public figure has become more an opportunity for self-promotion than for genuine mourning and celebration of a great life. No question as well that you right on point about social media offering the perfect platform for narcissists and their deluded followers. Anyone for a tweet?
3
The Time cover for Person of the Year should just be a mirror...with stars around the edges and pats on the back.
Well done, me !
32
I agree. These quests for reflected glory are unseemly. Bad taste also (unless the deceased is a mass murder or something close) to attack the person unduly in print on the day of their death. Narcissism, yes, the proliferation of outlets for anyone to opine, and a breakdown in authority in a way or a leveling where any opinion or reminiscence is somehow deemed equally useful or pertinent.
2
All too true, unfortunately. We are a society of Narcissus imitators, endlessly gazing at our image in the pond.
2
Nice piece, Frank. I was near you once. Honestly. But I failed to get my camera out quickly enough.
16
Yes. In a culture where success is measured by selfish pursuits rather than efforts to make it a better world (a philosophy known as capitalism), this is what you get. Look out for ME and the rest will fall into place. In the US of A, people vote and make other choices based on an evaluation on "|what will it do for me?" That is how a totally selfish person gets people to vote for him to be president. He embodies their very unpleasant approach to life. Sad, but this is America.
5
So so true. Best column you've done in ages, Frank. Your message has real portent for us all.
5
Yes, and one the those Bruni doesn't mention was Barack Obama, who spent the first several sentences of his "eulogy" referencing their shared history. I cringed reading it.. Smiled when he sailed into clearer waters with the focus on McCain, only.
At the same time, one needs to legitimize the connection to the person, find a way to make it personal. The trick is to do that without jumping into the spotlight.
11
@CC Forbes
Agree on Obama statement. He can do better. I hope he does so this weekend. Shorter and more about John McCain.
And in a muted response to McCain's passing, the President says even more about himself.
Without having to utter another word.
20
Something is happening to you Frank. It feels like you are reflecting adult thoughts and feelings - not the right or left narratives that are flooding us and the airwaves. McCain was a public servant worth celebrating - why can’t we be satisfied with that instead of making it about ourselves. Thank you.
3
I don't have a problem with "this is how I connected with him" or "I respected him a lot even when I didn't agree with him." I'm thinking of Russ Feingold or MIcheal Bloomberg. But, as some of the "heroic" types pivoted from "This is a sad day" to "And this is why we need to pass my bill" or "This is how the other party is behaving badly", I turned off the "news" station and turn on country music. That is saying a lot about my disgust with many of these self promoters.
13
Mr. Bruni, what you outline is symptomatic of why the USA is in such a pickle now. As pop culture has become defining, identifying with stars has become so as well. And it's distressing. It translates into a the mistaken impression, by those who are enthralled by fame, that they too are part of the phenomenon. And not only is that false, it's a selfish lens through which to view the world. It's pervasive in sports viewership, where the perennially unfit identify with extraordinary athletes, and is the common denominator of advertising. Wear the makeup that Katy Perry does, and you will look like her; ha!
5
I agree that narcissism has gone too far. The best way to honor Senator John McCain is to actually name him (ahem, certain folk in power) and assert that he was a true patriot and a great American. Nuff said.
4
Words of truth and wisdom, Frank Bruni. More modesty, less braggadocio would be so refreshing. My late mother often admonished us when we boasted about some achievement, that it is more meaningful if you let someone else say it about you.
Yet here we are today where even in offering supposed condolences, some have to self aggrandize.
I did not share many of Senator Mc Cain’s political leanings but did know of his bravery and integrity and those are the qualties I hope to remember.
On the other hand, the President we have now would do well to live a very long life after he leaves office so there enough time to soften the thoughts and comments that will be expressed about him when his time comes, if that’s possible. Actually, he probably wouldn’t care as long as things were said about him.
3
Great column. There are many situations where genuine emotions are cheapened when cast into words. To be charitable, people who post in these circumstances may be searching for ways to express the real emotions they feel about public people and events, and simply fail because they write quickly and lazily, and because social media has a way of cheapening everything. And then there are those who can't see past the end of their noses and make everything about them every time.
9
I do say so myself, I wholeheartedly agree; Mr. Bruni's observations accord with my own.
As accurate as this insight about explicitly self-referential eulogizing may be, there's another in some ways much more insidious, others more innocuous, sort, that's probably a bigger issue: The deluge of commentary that purports to be about other people & issues that is driven by craving for external validation in the form of "likes", "Times Pick" etc. I'm often guilty of this, looking for just the right turn of phrase to catapult my "likes" into the triple digits. I don't talk about myself, but I display my opinions & eloquence (such as I can muster) hoping to impress people, & some of the effort is repaid or not by the quantity of "likes."
While I hope my comments are sincere, authentic & truthful, definitely an "ulterior" aspect. But then-- isn't all public discourse tainted by aspects of self-disclosure, self-expression?
3 philosophers who dedicated much of their careers to this aspect of speech, Arendt, Austin, & Searle, coming from different perspectives, all agreed we create ourselves & our relationships through speech, no matter what we're talking about; it's unavoidable. Indeed, anyone remotely connected to continental philosophy thinks in these terms.
We all speak with "ulterior" motives (showing off I have an inkling of contimental philosophy); some are just more obvious or blatant or unsavory.
Doesn't every opinion writer -paid or unpaid- usually hope to make a spash?
5
This has been building for a long time. Social media and relentless attention paid to celebrities has pushed into a very bad place.
I remember distinctly the first time I noted it. It was when the Iran hostages were released. People came into work telling me how long they'd stayed up watching the coverage, how happy it made them, how they felt about it, blah, blah, blah.
I understood that it was a moment of great joy and relief, but their connection to it was trivial and meaningless, as is so much of this narcissistic behavior today....
7
In all of us there is a bit of "I remember where I was when XX died," and, through narrative, to bind ourselves to the deceased.
In a broader sense, I agree with Frank that we are in a cycle of super-narcissism, aided and abetted by social media.
We've come a long way from the way things were in the public realm; a time when my parents used to tell us whippersnappers that they wouldn't countenance bragging. To be caught blowing one's horn was to incur a tongue-lashing.
Sad...
15
Excellent column. It reminds me of all of those happy birthday pics on FB and Instagram where the person that should be celebrated is overshadowed by, usually, toothy smile of the well-wisher.
8
Great column - if the purpose is to give tribute or comfort nothing beats sharing a personal anecdote, if done sincerely and modestly.
8
Great column
Unfortunately, sadly, captures the moment we are living in perfectly
7
I'm also not sure I agree with this. What would a "non-narcissistic" version of a reaction be? A biographical re-cap of McCain's life? Why bother, when you can get it on Wikipedia? Of course when we grieve we talk about how someone touched us. A controversial writer died several weeks ago who'd had a great impact on me, and I noted that his example taught me that writing could be both important and a dangerous adventure. When great people die, we offer the changes they've made in our lives as praise and thanks, a tribute to a spirit leaving us all.
45
@Doris i tend to agree Doris, I met john mccain in 1986 when i was 26 and I shared the story of how he took time to sit with me and other young people to speak of his experiences
. We were riveted and it speaks to his values in mentoring young people.
9
People don't even notice you anymore unless you're on their phone, and they speak openly and unironically about "their brand" development. I blame social media for ratcheting the problem to this apogee and doing so very quickly, but let's not forget that Christopher Lasch's "Culture of Narcissism" was published in 1979, a fitting ending to "the me decade."
10
It's been a while since I saw the 70s called "the me decade"; if that tag works, what do you call the 80s? "The Me, myself and I decade?" I think the narcissism, once it took hold, only got worse- and worse and worse and worse (although w/ welome abeyances with waves of more idealistic, empathic, communitarian cohorts, typically during financial downturns) till we have a world dominated culturally by Facebook & financially by gazillionaire narcissism enablers.
Actually, this may work for the 80s (don't know how catchy, but seems to fit): "The ME, MORE decade." Seems to capture the raw unfettered greed that so disgustingly compounded the earlier narcissism.
2
Amen. We live in the Age of the Selfie and Celebrity and unfortunately also a President who embodies, embraces and painfully extends that shallow sense of reality. A turn or return to great literature (which can encourage empathy and acknowledgement of human and nonhuman others) or perhaps an interest in Buddhism (which is grounded in selflessness) might provide healthy counterpoises to such navel gazing. One has to wonder, however, if it will take a deep social, economic, or political tragedy to wake the mirror-loving world up. Hyper-individualism has certainly run its course.
52
@David Macauley Christianity is supposed to be grounded in selflessness (obviously most practitioners miss that point) and the Rohingya might disagree with your view of Buddhism.
2
Personally I don't feel entitled to weigh in on a public person unless I do have a personal connection somewhere or other.
8
@APS - It depends. It's a nice tribute when someone reflects how a public person inspired them to become a better person or achieve something that makes the world a better place.
When Leonard Nimoy died it was wonderful to read about all of the people he inspired.
3
Unfortunately, we live in a cultural and economic environment that rewards narcissists. We're all put in the position of being enablers of celebrity self-promotion. I don't mind it when ordinary people tell about their random encounters (in fact, I have my own Nora Ephron story). What's toxic in the public sphere are the celebrities and would-be celebrities who gaslight the public with their fatuous self-importance and, in a case like McCain's, tarnish his memory. In McCain's case, Trump's jealous behavior, because he's not the center of attention, shows how whenever he seems to hit bottom, he goes even lower.
77
Dexys Midnight Runners once played their tribute song to Jackie Wilson on the show 'Top of the Pops'. The show's gormless producers used as a backdrop a stock photo of the large Scottish darts player Jocky Wilson instead....
6
An interesting column. Perhaps people feel the need to promote themselves because the alternative is to be selfless. Most people don't even know how to start that process.
14
When John McCain came home after having been a prisoner of war in Vietnam, many of us who had been protesting the war for several years cried at the pride this once-tall warrior showed as he struggled to disembark from the airplane. When someone is a public person, especially when he or she devotes a life to public service, he or she becomes part of the public conversation. We see him or her in our living room constantly, on the news, and we form an opinion. It's almost as if we've met him or her in person. It's important for me to express my respect for people despite having had differences with them, because that's what this country is supposed to be all about. The "maverick" John McCain, who endured pain so few of us can even imagine, never left us wondering what he was thinking, and always put country first.
I agree with the person who said he/she always includes a story of anecdote about the deceased person in a sympathy card. I do the same. Memories are frequently all we have. Interactions with people enrich us. And yes, we bring ourselves into those stories. However, unlike what Madonna did, or what Trump would have done, had he been invited to speak at McCain's funeral, it's not all about us.
173
Frank – thanks so much for your observations. Maybe it will make us think a bit more when we respond to the death not just of famous people, but also of our own friends and loved ones – or to any big events in others' lives.
We all need empathy at times, but we need to offer it, too.
23
I want to virtue-signal about this entertaining exercise in virtue-signaling against virtue-signaling
First, what's with the squeamish refusal to name names? I'd quote the best of the worst, so they'll either think twice about their mourning etiquette next time, or they'll trumpily and cluelessly brag-tweet that they got mentioned in a Bruni column.
Second is the dig at "cranks on Twitter" with a dislike of McCain. This smacks of that other annoying nostrum which states one must never speak ill of the dead. The same tut-tutting happened when Ma Bush died a few months back, and one professor nearly got fired for criticizing her. We pay far too much fawning obeisance to the rich and famous, which is partly why we're now in such trouble. McCain was already a "maverick" legend in his own time thanks to the access he gave to the media. No surprise that his death is being fetishized out of all proportion.
Every event, namely mass shootings, is an opportunity to tweet out thoughts and prayers and sell brands. They've had plenty of time to calibrate their spontaneous outpourings of grief re McCain, even getting the 24-hour warning that euphemizes celebrity dying with the banal "refusal of further medical attention."
So convenient they're coming back from the Hamptons and the Vineyard just in time to air-kiss for the cameras at the "full dress" funeral before the politicians among them hit the Labor Day picnics in their annual pretense of caring about regular working stiffs.
125
@Karen Garcia , Right on. What better time to honestly assess a public life than with public debate about the issues at hand? Fetishes indeed.
2
@Karen Garcia Miss you, Karen. Where ya been?
1
@Karen Garcia. Bruni is being kind when he talks about "cranks on twitter." Check out the vitriol on the Fox News and Breitbart websites.
The only things I can recall ever agreeing with John McCain about were his vote against the ACA repeal, though I might not have agreed with the logic behind his vote, and willingness to speak out about the Trump Administration and his own party.
I think he made a huge error in selecting Sarah Palin as a running mate, especially given his health status and age. That could have led to a devastating scenario for the country.
I can understand his participation in the Vietnam War as an extension of his family history. Politicians and generals bear the bulk of the burden for that tragedy rather than the soldiers. I think John Kerry deserves more credit for coming home to speak out against the War, once his service led to an understanding of the futility and horror of it.
Other than all of that, I do respect John McCain's sense of duty to country over himself.
138
@Look Ahead In fairness to John McCain, he acknowledged that he made a mistake in picking Sarah Palin as a running mate. He didn't run her into the ground, but he admitted his mistake. Of course the guy he said that he wished he had picked, Joseph Lieberman is no prize either. We would have been better off if McCain had been elected instead of George W. Or maybe Obama could have appointed him as Secretary of Defense. In the end, McCain's legacy is one of heroism and decency, whatever his other flaws may have been.
@Look Ahead: You might recall that by the time McCain got home, the Vietnam War was a moot point. His solidarity with fellow prisoners and refusal to accept "early release" speaks volume to his character.
Beyond that, your post is a poster child for the malady that Bruni identifies.
1
@Historian
The legacy of the Vietnam War did not end before John McCain's return to the US, it was a lesson we should still be learning from today, especially in separating the soldiers like McCain from the politicians and generals who promise easy victories and "Mission Accomplished".
The malady that Bruni identifies is "self serving eulogies". My post was neither.
Thank you so much, Frank. This needed to be said. Your rather pessimistic article reminds me of the old insight that 'our boasted civilization' (caring for and sympathizing with others for their own sake, rather than as a means of promoting oneself, being a crucial element of said civilization) 'is but a thin veneer.' In this case, of course, it should actually be 'our boasting civilization.'
So sad!
8
Narcissim's unwelcome intrusion into tributes that are ostensibly supposed to be about others is not limited to eulogies and is not a recent phenomenon.
More than twenty (20) years ago I attended the graduation of a cousin's high school class which my cousin had been unable to attend because he was in the hospital after suffering a disabling stroke that among other things left him partially paralyzed. During the graduation ceremony the principal specifically noted my cousin's absence, mentioned that he was missed and wished him a speedy recovery. However, he then went on and on about how wonderful the graduating class was for expressing its concern about my cousin's well-being and for having him in mind. At the time I couldn't help but think that the principal had inappropriately taken advantage of my cousin's misfortune and used it as an opportunity to extol the virtues of the graduating class.
18
I was taught, a half century or more ago by a female teacher, not to use "I" lots in whatever one writes (letters, emails, texts, etc.) Good advice then. Good advice now... She was, as they say, right on.
278
@Bill
What my parents and teachers taught me to never start a letter with "I".
4
@Bill We must have had the same teacher!
It's a good rule and particularly relevant when writing letters of condolence.
2
@Bill, some great advice I received once (yet can't remember from where) is "take yourself our of the communication." But OMG--I'm doing it right now, sort of! Let me try that again...
Some great advice is, "take yourself out of the communication."
1
Insightful article. We all recognize how different Americans are today from the sixties. What was left unsaid was the connection between rampant narcissism and the social and political mess we now endure. Where are the marches? Where are the campus protests? Students are more interested in amassing wealth, securing followers on Facebook and having as many hook-ups as possible than in working towards change that will benefit others. There is no sense of the national community nor creating a better life for all- only for the individual. We can only hope the pendulum will swing back before it is too late.
50
@Disillusioned
Actually, those campus protests and marches were arguably even more narcissistic than current students' self-absorption.
Don't forget that the driver for most of those marches and protests was the Vietnam War, and those who were marching and protesting were -- surprise! -- most likely to find themselves issued a helmet and machine gun if the war continued.
I was at a liberal college in the late 80s and early 90s, and I'm pretty certain that those leading marches, encouraging academic strikes and "occupying" campus spaces were mostly engaged in self-promotional virtue-signalling or liberalism-as-intimidation.
So give those people who just want to make money, hook up, or enjoy their lives a break. At least they're just doing what makes them happy, and aren't desperately saying "look at me and how 'woke' I am".
2
@Disillusioned
All that you ask for is their,but also all that you didn't ask for is there too,just as the " 60's" you proclaim. Remember ,our current president was elected by our 60's generation. But the true question is ,where are you? You are missing. Change the frown to a smile & make the difference.
@Disillusioned
A strong argument can be made that those Americans who were protesting in the sixties -- the Baby Boomers -- are the Americans who created this mess.
7
So true - it's all about us, isn't it. Pretty sad commentary on our society.
79