Americans don't get the quiet dignity that Helene has until they are sick enough to be further down the road, on hospice.
Before that the body is poked and prodded and hooked up to various machines providing data to something, somewhere, each department separately dealing with a different body part with that data. In the meantime an old person might not get food because they don't know how to navigate the system to order or if one has dementia one might be overlooked. The sanity described sounds wonderful.
7
Great piece of writing. What an interesting lady! Some Americans are so gauche that they answer a dinner invitation by phoning in their food preferences? No wonder the French hate us.
14
It is up to all of us to consider how we would like to die. Here's to Hélène, wherever you are, for being unashamed and wise enough to contend with a fate that will meet us all.
40
To me it seems it seems that this story is more about accepting your own death than planning it.
9
You can get 'state financed' facials? Mon Dieu! How dignified.
10
Did I just read a magnificent work of Iconization?
The truth is that Helene is a woman who has been overwhelmed by STYLE. If what you are content with is such, then go ahead and put on an act. That is nothing exceptional about Parisians.
Indeed it is remarkable not to make your death a requirement of grief for all those that love you and admire you. In that I concur greatly. And putting her life in order, and keeping as much of a facade of "normality" is, if somewhat precariously, a sign of a certain bit of wisdom.
But Ms. Druckerman was cheated of the truth. Either Helene is the most shallow, superficial woman in all of Paris (at least!), or...she is magnificently formidable---in the best sense of the word. However, when talking about "death" one who is a person of depth will talk about Spirituality, whether you are a person of faith, an Agnostic or... I draw the line when it comes to so-called Atheists--- the ones I have questioned seriously have always revealed themselves to be agnostic. Face it, for most human beings death is profoundly challenging.
I always "laugh" when I see the news of anything catastrophic caught on camera and everybody running, running away!...Of course, we are all terrified of our own "extinction". The fact that we will never exist? Why do you think we created Gods? Madame Helene: [not Helen--even her name is elegant!] I do hope that under all that "makeup" there is more than grand cemeteries and aristocratic robes.
Aaah!...Foolish hearts...
4
“Don’t confuse your joys with anyone else’s”; she is the essence of Randian thought. I wish I knew her.
8
Fine writing about a fine lady.
7
And in a very French way, God was not mentioned.
Bonne nuit !
14
With all due respect to Hélène, Ms. Druckerman and Paris, I have always preferred the attitude expressed in the poem of Dylan Thomas (I have it printed, framed and it hangs in my study):
Do not go gentle into that good night
Dylan Thomas, 1914 - 1953
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Few people know how they will face death and fewer still will follow-through with their "intentions".
I wish Hélène a good and satisfying death and her family a successful funeral event.
I prefer a mixture of rage, faith and ritual.
8
No money for the medical industry in this sort of thinking.
Better to fight, rack up costs, and deteriorate painfully to the bitter end. That's the great American way...
16
This reminds me of my times in France when French people were showing off to me in various ways-- Americans so uptight about sex-- just because they'd had to get used to Giscard, when in fact they were very gossipy and prudish. Look at your clothes-- don't know how to be a woman! You Americans eat all your food out of cans! You think you can get everything with money! You people are always in a hurry! In France we have learned how to live, but you will not learn how to live because you are so afraid to stop making money. Why do you complain about how men treat you on the street? You smile on the street!!! You ask for it.
So this woman seems to me somewhat unreal, like a big stage show.
And you know, she embodies this fact for me-- that there's no French word for cosy.
4
Advice from a Marine First Sergeant who was “in charge” (he maintained that herding cats was easier) of my medevac unit way back in the day, if we were getting even more jumpy than usual, “When it’s your time, you’ll die. Till then, don’t be careless or do anything more stupid than usual.”
Hélène and First Sergeant would have gotten along just fine...
33
The anti “...rage, rage against the dying of the light.” You’re a better person than I Helene.
2
A depressing but factual article (to say the least). Obviously this woman knows/knew where she wanted to be buried. It reads as if she did/does not have much going on with her life to be so concerned/concentrated about death; I find it very sad. My approach to life has always been to enjoy the planet; you will be dead for a very long time. And this article emphasizes that fact. Too bad most people do not realize that fact.
7
I've hesitated long before writing this comment, not wishing to spoil the elegiac mood of the article and the comments. And Hélène and the French do have things of value to teach us. But Hélène strikes me as entitled, her burial preferences putting herself first among others. The state is stupidly oppressive for not allowing her to pollute the Seine, and although there are only 150 burial plots available in the cemeteries, she must be one of the chosen few, and not only that, it must be in Montparnasse. She no doubt eschews burying the body as superstitious and old-fashioned, instead opts for cremation, but her ashes must be treated as special. Not that her ashes will pollute much, but it is the same familiar attitude, the entitled consumer as sovereign that multiplied by billions is threatening civilization. I don't wish to seem petty, but this is just the way the article strikes me. Forgive me, but I see her elbowing others out of the way gently but firmly at epicerie fine counters, opera lines and other such places during her long life.
8
So fortunate to be dying in Paris. They are so much more civilized about their care for the elderly. I am 65 years old and slowly dying of a constellation of chronic illnesses here in America. We have so little to support us through this inevitable transition from life to death. Our reckless disregard for the poor, for the welfare of children and the elderly will be our downfall someday.
25
I have never - and would never - phone ahead to anyone, including my own family, with food preferences. It would never occur to me to do that.
I don’t eat seafood. When we were invited to a neighbor’s for dinner and they served salmon, I ate (most of) it. Each year, we’re invited to a party where duck is served, something else I absolutely dislike. I eat it. Every year.
“Over lunch (I’ve made no food requests)...” - seriously, you need to suggest this a second time? I don’t even know anyone who would do this. This constant painting of Americans as uncivilized is maddening.
8
Thanks Pamela for this piece and all your others. I am always so excited to see you in the NYTimes. I sit up in bed, adjust my pillows, take a sip of coffee and read...
6
My wife is Parisian, born of a mother who bore her sister with a Nazi soldier, and a father who, on the Maginot Line when the Germans invaded France in WWII, was captured by the Germans and spent WWII in a NAZI prison camp, but became her father later.
Her father died of DT's in her arms (she provided him with bottles of wine to do so) after her brothers fled to French civil service jobs, all successful and now living in Marseilles.
Claudine was harbored by her sister, daughter of a NAZI soldier and her French mother who succumbed to Him, until she was 18, when the French Government stopped paying her sister for her harbor, at which point she sent Claudine out into the World.
I married her in America, after she came here to Los Angeles to escape notable shame of being a French indigent, unsupported by the French government that could have provided compensation to her WWII heroic father if he had survived to an old military retirement age. She is an intelligent woman, and central to my life.
There is nothing sad about this story: I love her and she loves me. We are both Americans.
5
Somewhere in France there has to be a quiet, rural cemetery, on a slight rise, with a beautiful vista of the surrounding fields, villages. Trees shading the plots, wildflowers here and there. Forget Paris. Reside with real French men and women. And wear a nice nightgown.
9
To borrow from the late, great Spalding Gray, the French know how to have a good time getting born, a good time growing up, a good time going through puberty, a good time falling in love, a good time staying in love, a good time getting married, a good time staying married, a good time having children, a good time raising children, a good time growing old, a good time dying. They even know how to have a good time on New Year's Eve!
So it's a mystery why France has one of the highest suicide rates in Europe, along with other social ills that contradict its image as the pinnacle of civilization. Yet we are still lectured on the worldly wisdom of the ultra-sophisticated French.
15
@GV Having lived part of my life in France as a child and later on in Paris as an adult working, I think France today is a more complicated place than some people assume, looking at it from the outside. On the one hand, the country has excellent infrastructure, public health system, beautiful regions to visit, a vibrant art and cultural lifestyle etc. But it has also been plagued by several governments over the years who have mismanaged the economy leading to a high structural unemployment and high national debt levels. French people are also highly individualistic and at times only think of themselves and their own neuroses, hence the high number of pharmacies and medicinal products prescribed by doctors. Due to the economy during many years, many extremely talented and entrepreneurial French people today work successfully in New York, Hong Kong, Geneva etc., and often own a home in France to spend holidays in and visit relatives/friends i.e, their connection with their homeland. Macron is a young, talented and intelligent President who is trying to change a lot of things in French society and there has been a "Macron effect" with many French companies being much more active both abroad and at home. He is also taking on a lot of old vested interests and people which have had in too good, for too long and at the expense of an overall high fiscal burden for some and an indebted nation. Compare this to Germany, Sweden for example who have successfully reformed over the years.
14
@GV
Could you please cite your source for the suicide statistic? I'm not finding any numbers that would suggest France has "one of the highest" suicide rates in Europe, or a rate very much higher than the United States. I would also keep in mind that drug overdose deaths are generally listed as accidental. I wonder if every country follows the same classification scheme as a standardized practice.
2
@Marc Faltheim
Odd that you should praise Macron with stock phrases from his campaign, now, when Macron is in serious trouble, having spectacularly protected some "vested interests" of his own. Of course I am referring to the Benalla affair, the details of which have gotten worse by the day. "Too good," all right, and mind bogglingly so.
1
It made me so happy to read this story. I am an American and years ago I "buried" my wife in Montparnasse Cemetary, as it was her favorite place to walk just near our apartment. Sadly she passed away in our Los Angeles home, and there was no way to get her back to her favorite city, The solution was to bring her ashes back the following year, dead of winter and "sprinkle" her in the round-about under the statue of the angel.
That was 28 years ago, and I have not been back in a long time. Reading this makes me long for her. It's a warm, loving longing. I will be there this December for sure.
74
I loved this article. I’m approaching 70, in very good health and hope I have Helene’s spirit when my time comes. But the thing I loved most about this article: the term ceremonie d’adieu. How beautiful!
46
This piece left me wondering: is Helen real, does she really exist? And then I thought, of course, she's real, of course she does, this is the NYT, but it's just that she's such a convenient cliché. The elegant and cool Parisienne, up to the last moment. Yeah, right.
I'm not French, but I am. I was born somewhere else, but I've been living in Paris since I was 12, it's going to be 50 years come October (my parents brought me here, and I add immediately, I'm not American, although I've lived in the States). A number of my French friends and relatives have died over the years, and I've accompanied some of them - including my own mother, who tried to be sort of Helen-ish but didnt quite make it. People here hate dying, like everywhere else. And don't believe them if they say otherwise. Maybe this story works for Americans, who want to believe the French and Paris have something special, even regarding death. But of course they/we don't. Maybe the French have something special to say about love, sex, couples, whatever (and I'm not even sure about that). But death? Sorry, nope. It sucks, period.
11
A moment is taken in memory of Stanley Ann Dunham, who died of breast cancer, aged 53, worrying about how to pay the bills. Her son tried to give Americans universal health care.
I respectfully submit that 87% of the lady's sangfroid comes from having a government pay all her expenses and offer it in her home.
We here in the land of the free and the home of the brave have to face the reality of a ceremonie d'adieu in a Medicaid nursing home.
If we're lucky.
42
Of course, since we all die, having the government pay for our dying related expenses means that our taxes would be raised by exactly the same amounts plus handling charges.
4
@PaulN
And Paul, assuming there are absolutely no economies of scale, why would taxation for this universal need be a bad thing?
Is there ever a time when Americans can stop thinking about money, and think about something else?
If there isn't, then we're poor, aren't we? No matter how much money we manage to hoard.
10
@PaulN That would be well worth every penny!
6
I hope Helene has opportunity to read this loving, clear-eyed tribute to her.
8
Thank you for enlightening us with more insight to a French journey of life and death. There was once a more familiar friendship with Americans and French Citizens near the time of independence through the likes of Benjamin Franklin and Lafayette. An approach for these times radiates with life and death for us all. The familiarity, a way of doing things, I find and learn of France is a way of living that naturally cycles to death. Perhaps Americans will learn a bit from Hélène of how to say adieu and how to live a life less overweight.
Thank you, Pamela and Hélène.
4
I hope when my time comes that I can deal with the inevitable as well as she has.
12
Nice article; i love Druckerman’s writing. I also like how Hélène approaches her end. It’s not a step to somewhere else; it is her ´end’. She’s comfortable with that.
10
When you think about it, it would be pretty odd to worry too much about something that is one way or another inevitable.
6
Helene is a fortunate woman, she's come to terms...her own.. with the inevitable.
I can't say if her approach to dying is particularly French, except for the fact that she's complaining about something right to the end, but it is definitely not American.
I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that many Americans in their life move around a lot, making and losing friends along the way, even to the end where they go somewhere to retire and so end up dying among strangers, The French I've known don't travel that well and when they make friends they usually keep them over a lifetime.
For those interested, a sense of the world Helene inhabits and is leaving can be discerned from a touching French film, "Summer Hours", in which the featured character, much like Helene, controls her end as she did her life.
Au revoir Helene, bon voyage.
20
@GerardM
"Summer Hours" like many French films is just unwatchable. Perhaps the only people who appreciate their films are the French. Tant pis.
2
Oscar Wilde wrote 'When good Americans die, they go to Paris'. His quote came to mind when a friend in New York, the author of 'The Brutality of Nations', with a great love for The City of Lights, left us after a long illness. His spirit can now be found on the rue de Jacob. Salut, mon cher ami!
In the month of June a few years last, my parent who lived in Paris died. She used to visit the grave of her husband in the family cemetery thirty kilometers from the city, and sixteen years later on the same day in June, she joined him.
The funeral mass took place at a small church in Paris, where they were married and it was a solemn affair. My Red Queen had been preparing me for this event with little notes and poems that she wished to have read on this occasion:
One was by Charles Peguy, a socialist who converted to Catholicism, and begins with 'Death is Nothing', causing the priest to go red in the face. This is not by Peguy, he continued, and in any event, it is not true. We moved on.
When asking if the prayers and hymns could include women and children, as well as men, he looked at me quizzically, and I hastened to add that in America, Our Last Rites were slightly different. He nodded, and I decided not to mention our animal friends.
They all came. Her French family members; the caretakers from the nursing home; friends of many years.
Her son has plans to die in the Bronx and his wife will join him, if he promises not to snore.
Bien a vous, 'Helene'.
5
It seems every month there is billionaire that wants be cryogeniclly frozen. Or save his DNA to be used to make a clone of himself. Or, have his genes altered to halt or reverse his cells from aging. I maybe mistaken, but I am unaware of women trying to cheat death, cheating the mirror yes, but, not death.
Going back to the ancient Greeks, there was an "awareness" of life after death. Every civilization has some version of life after death. This could be one reason for the invention of religion. My definition of religion, all of them, it gets you ready in the here and now, for the sooner or later.
People can die of many causes that contribute the final moment.The people on KAL 007 had about 8 minutes, if they could don their mask in time, before they slammed into the ocean. The Genoa bridge collapse victims may have had 15 seconds. Everyone handles the knowledge differently.
I vote for unexpected, fast and painless. Not dying is not normal. And, if there was way to postpone or prevent death, everyone would want to get in that game. Remember, we are all in the circle of life.
1
what an incredible perspective. But where is the desire to hold on, to spend millions in medical equipment hooked up to take care of all bodily functions, so we are merely an observer in our aged life? Oh wait, Helene is in France, not America.
22
Her eagerness for death has nothing to do with a wish to save money on health care bills. France’s national health care makes the path of death a little less complicated by guilt or a wish to not leave your heirs with bills. We need that here.
18
Charming and welcome essay.
2
What can I say? There's much America and Americans can learn from other countries, other cultures, and other people.
6
My mother is 86 and is exactly the same. She lives in Massachusetts. These feelings are quite common and we learn in this article more about the author than the Parisian woman.
People have been dying for a longer period of time than mere millennia.
While this essay was honest, it would be a field day for someone like Mark Twain, who had no patience for foolish writing.
8
Pamela Druckman's report and the 31 comments so far might be very useful reading for anyone who wonders how they might face death if they find themselves in a situation similar in some way to Hélène's.
I write off and on in a notebook with cover, My So-Called 13th Life, and just now have been especially interested in reading articles and comments on the subject before us. One reason is that a new law went into effect in Sweden on July 1 making it possible for anyone to create a legal document stating who is to take responsibility, not in the event of death but in the event of incapacitation, and what you would like them to do, if possible. Swedish title: Framtids fullmakter. Writing such a document leads of course to thinking more carefully about facing death as well as incapacitation.
I talk with my three children in a way that my parents never taught me since both of them found it impossible to talk about this subject. Reading the column and comments might lead one or more readers to realize that talking is better than silence.
Only-NeverInSweden.blogspot.com
Citizen US SE
4
I commend her approach to her final journey and the pre planning of the services. Having assisted in arranging the services for relatives who have passed, it would have been infinitely easier and less stressful had their wishes been know. May she rest in peace, in her beloved Paris.
18
Lovely piece, great subject. Safe journey, Helene.
15
Refreshing piece. How lucky you are to know Helene. I wish all good things for her in her final days. I'm sure the Mighty Mississippi has room for her ashes, but that probably wouldn't be a good fit.
6
I feel for this woman. She approaches the end of her life with calm detachment and dignity that many of us probably would have difficulty mustering in similar circumstances. And she’s lucky to be dying in France. I envy the French for their national public health system. It works well. Although we should copy its best features we never will because the existing American healthcare system’s raison d’etre is to transfer the wealth that Americans accumulate over a lifetime to itself. It’s designed to fleece us. Think of it as an “extractive industry”.
I’d have emigrated to France decades ago for that alone despite my difficulties with la langue and the cold insouciant hauteur manifested towards immigrants by much of the populace were not the rest of France so royally messed up. It’s hard to explain why this is so, but it’s been this way for a long time. The “French way” is, first and foremost, about sanctifying impracticality. Historic examples include the Citroen sedan, their ten ton public telephones on Parisian street corners and the wretched Somua cavalry tank their army fielded in May 1940. In terms of today, their unbelievably complex, self-defeating employment laws reflect deep-seated near-schizophrenic hostility towards business startups (one sees the hand of politically-favored crony capitalists in that). The many arbitrary and capricious difficulties created by it, by landlord/tenant law and the taxation system generally reduce the idea of immigration to an absurdity.
6
@Steve Singer I'm actually in the midst of trying it. La langue is indeed fou, but after only a few months of self-teaching, I was able to come across to most people as earnest enough to elicit their politesse. But it does take long to get anything like fluency- you just have to accept that and keep learning. This area is well known as one of the least welcoming in France, yet (albeit with a few glaring exceptions) if you are nice, and reasonably deferential as une étranger, by and large the French are incredibly nice, and said politesse is a revelation- their rep to the contrary is really a kind of misunderstanding. Also, it's not monolithic here; there are people from all over, a fascinating and fabulous experience. I like your term "sanctifying impracticality;" it's true, the bureaucracy is no picnic, and "C'est la France" is as unacceptable an excuse as ever. Sometimes English is available where you'd never expect it, but just as often it's not, where you can't believe it! But, in smaller places anyway, it's not impossible, and they do try. People go about their jobs with an admirable earnestness here, as it's a matter of self-respect to them, money being so much less of a fixation in this system. It's true, the system has never gotten the balance right, but as the French say as soon as they're done complaining, life is good in France! As for their history, well, things have improved. As for the classic Citroën DS, you are utterly, completely, and absolutely wrong!
7
@Steve Singer So...you obviously prefer France, no? Maybe the "French Way" is the only way such an inclusive health care system would be possible.
2
This will happen for us all. What a healthy approach Helene has taken. I have already purchase my plot and have a stone in place. I have a list of music for the "event". It brings a sense of control and relief. I expect to live for quite a while. My Mom is 98, but as they say, "you never know".
9
Soon it won’t happen. Zuckerberg knows.
Helene has been blessed with the full cycle of life, along with what appears to be many meaningful relationships and events. Her ability to plan and prepare for her departure is a gift to her, and to those around her. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Sudden death, particularly among the young, is the driver of the greatest sadness when dealing with death. In these cases there is no preparation, or natural sequence of events of a life cycle, just loss. I wish Helene the best in her final days, and hope to live out my life to the fullest, as she has.
24
I am always a bit conflicted these days about whether or not to read articles about death and dying since my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer. This article delicately balanced telling Helene's story of her dying without minimizing or glorifying her experiences. The author has helped me figure out a small but significant dilemma I have been struggling with regarding my husband's and my own eventual passing. People don't have funerals any more, they have "celebrations of life" events. I never felt that making the death a Celebration was quite right. It feels like it minimizes the grief somehow. Now, a goodbye ceremony sounds perfect! Room for tears and laughter. Thank you.
43
I appreciated this piece so much- how lucky, actually to have lived.
18
Such grace and dignity! Merci for writing this piece.
16
The Seine is a big enough river to handle a few tons of ashes a year. So is the Hudson, to say nothing of New York Bay or the Atlantic.
6
@sdavidc9
Truth. What the city government doesn't know won't hurt them, I say.
2
@sdavidc9 -
The Seine is nearly five hundred miles long. She can be dropped into it; just not at Paris. Too many communities west of Paris draw water from it. The government is within its rights to restrict pollution discharges to keep it as clean as possible. Her scornful rebuke strikes me as exquisitely Parisian, why non-Parisians say “Paris is not France”.
The “Bas Seine” below Rouen empties into the English Channel. My guess is, she will have no problem anywhere west of Rouen nor in the Channel itself.
Paris is crowded. She must make accommodations if, after her life ends, she wants to stay.
4
Thank you for sharing your thoughts of this remarkable lady.
Looking forward for your next story.
11
Pragmatic and elegant at the same time. If Hélène has lived her life as well as she's planning for the end, she's done well. May we all be able to approach our moment of inevitability with similar aplomb.
46
One doesn’t need to be French or live in Paris to have the right approach and philosophy about the end of our life .
It’s a matter of internal balance, reasoning and acceptance of the inevitability of our destiny.
49
@Inter nos that is the only lens through which Ms. Druckerman knows how to right. It's so tiring. Although maybe having access to universal healthcare eased the blow of a terminal illness in this case (but there too the French aren't the only ones in this position).
14
@Inter nos no, one certainly doesn't. but that's how I'd like to die. also in Paris.
1
I always appreciate your humorous and honest writing- even on subjects that can be uncomfortable.
16
A poignant account of raw humanity in the midst of a growing, ever more senseless inhumanity among ourselves.
Thank you, Ms.Druckerman for this sobering wake-up call. I don't know why I fear not being here. I do know that there will be nothing either to fear or to feel in any other way.
Perhaps that's why I am afraid; that nothing will matter anymore.
21
@John LeBaron It didn’t bother you before you were born, and it certainly won’t after you’re gone. This thought has been expressed by the Stoics, Shakespeare, and Twain. Others as well. If you let it sink in, it may give you comfort when you think of “the great void.”
2
We just returned from a concert by a Christian praise band on the courthouse square in our small town. At least 1000 souls were worshiping as they listened to the music. There were people from several different churches in attendance, from Catholic to Baptist. It was an experience that reminded us that this life on earth is not all there is. There is a better and longer one coming.
8
@Aaron Adams
A life is something where we learn, achieve, make progress, have a bucket list and work through it. A life is something that is shaped by the fact that it ends. If there is something after life and death, whatever it is, it is not life but rather a different sort of existence, one without goals and a future (unless we believe in reincarnation).
9
@Aaron Adams There is no god,there is no hereafter.
My father died a torturous death wondering if he was going to be accepted in his imaginary after life.
Piece and acceptance is what I wish for you all !
2
Thank you so much for this. Perfect timing, for me. (I won't worry anymore about my upcoming test results.)
Whenever I hope there is a place where someone thinks exactly this way, it turns out to be Paris.
"All goes onward and outward, nothing collapses,
And to die is different from what anyone supposed, and luckier."
-- Walt Whitman
59
Oh, how I pray that when my time comes I will have that grace and dignity - and joyful acceptance - like Helene. Such a beautiful lady, indeed. This essay from Ms Druckerman is a lesson to be absorbed. Although I have been fortunate enough to experience and learn the extraordinary love of the full cycle of life from each of my dear parents, I often wonder if I could relinquish all those whom I cherish so much in life, who, as even with my grown daughters, still give me purpose.
But I believe - I hope - that for many of us we will find that peaceful spirit needed to pass from one world onto another. Whether it is wisdom, the grace of a God who does after all exist, or religion, there is a way, I suppose, Death is part of life for all living things. To quote Ecclesiastes, "For everything there is a season." Like Helene, I aspire to accept that warmth during the final days of the winter of my life.
32
@Kathy Lollock
Very nice. We all need a "Graceful Degradation" philosophy to accept our existence in This World, and our passing into the 'Next World', and for some reason it always involves a promotion of some individual who will live on after us - viva la Helene!
Personally, though French historically, I hope America survives the onslaughts from Russia and China.
We "Individuals" live for a "very short time" in World History. But our Spirits live forever.
7
@Kathy Lollock The secret to peaceful dying, like living, is to accept everything as a gift. Death is none other than the right moment to receive the present of a new adventure.
6
What a terrific story. I feel the same way she does now, after being told of a rare condition that was so bad that the end was near. I guess my being 1/4 French, I accepted it but also chose to fight it by going Vegan. I wrote my will at 50 and lost all fear of everything. I have never EVER felt better. I don’t believe I’m really sick, my blood work always is decent. I love this French attitude, glad I have it along with my cooking.
59
@Peter Taylor Blessings to you for a long healthy life!
5
How lovely. Thank you for this piece.
One looks to one's predecessors when commencing a journey. Noted, understood, and valued, Hélène. Thank you.
23
You are the rare writer who can capture the essence of every generation and every place, and impart wisdom we didn't even know we craved deeply. Merci, Madame Druckerman. I wish your friend the gentlest passing.
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This is beautiful. Your friend's attitude about dying made me smile. So refreshing, positive and practical. You are lucky to know her.
And, as others have stated, how wonderful not have to worry at such a time about financial issues because of health expenses. Hopefully, someday, we here in the US will see the wisdom in this.
Peace and blessings to this remarkable woman and to you as her friend. Thank you both for sharing.
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@Karen Wolfer
"Hopefully, someday..."? That day is not any close.
Hélène realizes that the purpose of life is the acceptance of death. That awareness has informed her full and rich life. We would live in a better world if more of us had her perception.
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This is not just true for the French, but for many from traditional cultures that teach the rhythm of live and how to live it with panache.
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always enjoy ms druckerman's take on paris/france.
I've been a few dozen times, but never lived there.
I noticed a dig at the American way with the mention of the national health plan taking care of so much.
the usa deserves shots at its, to say the least, dysfunctional health care system...that's if it even deserves to be called a system.
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There is nothing wrong with requiring self reliance. Frankly, I don't wish to take care of someone like you or pay your expenses. You have the warning. Start setting money aside for your death so you won't be a burden on your family, who, if they are like you, may not care about what happens to your body in any event.
I understand the point of caring for those who cannot care for themselves. Fine. But that's apparently not you. Unless you totally and completely disabled, you should be doing something. You have no God given right to an early retirement. You have no right to an iPhone or a big screen TV. There is no reason that the government needs to take enough money from you so the government can later give it back to you in the form of health care benefits, if you are able work during your life. If the government manages your money, the thieving politicians will spend it--and you will become a burden on the youth of tomorrow whom the government will require to support you. That makes no sense. Keep your money and save your money, don't be a spendthrift.
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I too have lived in France, speak French etc. This seems to me to be a story about a particular woman and her actions and attitude relating to her mortality. I am troubled by the extrapolation of the story of one french woman to the french in general. I notice a trend of mythologizing the French. They are not a psychologically homogeneous population -- France is made up of all kinds of neurotics, just like everywhere else.
I enjoy Ms. Druckerman's columns and do agree that there are general societal trends there that are very different, and interesting to discuss. In particular I remember a column about parenting in France vs. in the US, which I agree is something that our society could learn from.
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@Kate - Yes Kate, I agree, it is always odd when an experienced writer falls into that trap. Comment writers do this all too often, most recently one in connection with I think Paul Krugman's report from Denmark where the commenter generalized stating that Nordic people are boring, lazy, and worse and Americans are energetic, inventive, ambitious and more.
Only-NeverInSweden.blogspot.com
Citizen - US SE - just noting because some repliers see my Swedish flag ikon and tell me that I am ruled out as a commenter on America.
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Lovely portrait of Helene. I wish we were more realistic about death in this country where frequently denial is present up to the last moment.
BTW what amazing benefits provided to French citizens as part of their health care.
Great piece.
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You beautifully captured Hélène's vitality - a doubly difficult feat, too, since you are introducing her at the end of her life.
What she reflects is the distinctly French matter-of-fact take on, well, everything. That approach is often misconstrued as iciness by outsiders, or as morbidity when one is reading French literature.
Death is part of life. It's hard to treat it as such because we simply don't know what, if anything, awaits us beyond this world. It is difficult to talk about what we don't fully know. But you did a good turn for your friend by allowing her to focus on what's weighing on her - impending demise - instead of what you, or the readers, are thinking. That is a deep show of respect, of the sort we all need more of in our lives.
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So beautiful and so wise-and so down to earth! thank you!
And blessings to you, your friend’s love and wisdom will be with you forever.
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This brave woman has it all: A well-lived life and no fear of whatever it is that awaits us after that final breath. May her ending be happy and peaceful, and may her ashes be scattered over the City of Lights that she loves so deeply.
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@Kris Aaron We have billions of people "waiting to die" and haphazard release of ashes is a health and environmental problem.
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@Geraldine Conrad: Some aren't "waiting to die" and some are. The bottom line is that ALL will eventually die. And I suspect cremated ashes are very far down the list of environmental depredations humans are responsible for!
I read this article this morning. I wanted to remind readers of the best summation of mortality, namely, that "the leading cause of death, is birth." Bonne nuit.
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