How Your Brain Morphs Stressful Family Vacations Into Pleasant Memories

This article truly reminds me of the nostalgia coming from leaving a bad marriage, and why we mourn.

This article stood out to me because my family goes on a lot of vacations. Every year my family goes on a big trip together over New Years. Spending so much time together causes problems sometimes. We will get mad at each other for little things and eventually, we will get passed it. After every trip, I realize how important the time that we share together is. This article says, “We have two ‘selves,’” explained Dr. Omar Sultan Haque, a Harvard University psychiatrist and social scientist. “The experiencing self and the remembered self. In the midst of vacation stresses, we may be stressed and annoyed by family and children and the indignities of bureaucratic travel, but the remembered self easily turns nausea into nostalgia.” Looking back on all of my vacations with my family, I remember all of the good things and the great memories we have shared together because in the end, that is all that matters.

Over the years, I’ve been on several vacations. One of the most memorable was going to Las Vegas this year with my soccer team. We had a great time, but when recalling what happened on the trip days later, I realized we had forgotten all of the negative moments. We put this perfect picture of the vacation in our heads, and it differed from reality. Some of these negative moments include: our coach missing the flight, along with him leaving the cones and pennies in the airport. Also, we ended the weekend with losing every game except one which we tied. However, we didn’t think about these things when discussing the trip. We only remembered the team bus rides, hiking in Red Rock Canyon, and sightseeing on the strip. This article perfectly describes our selective memory. Even though there were some negatives on our vacation, we still had a wonderful time. Everyone on our team would go back in a heartbeat if given the chance.

This article stood out to me because I've been in the situation where my family has set standards for vacations only to be let down by bad weather, closures, or bad attitudes. I've always wondered how a trip that ended up being so stressful ended up being remembered as enjoyable with a lot of great memories. This summer was one of those times. It rained every day, we couldn't go to the beach, and we're stuck in the hotel room for the most part of the day some days, but in the end, none of that really stood out to me. My parents did a great job with being flexible to the weather because they always had something planned, that was age appropriate. A lot of what I read in this article makes sense because, in the final scheme of things, vacations are meant to be relaxing and have some downtime. It also mentions how you have to switch it up sometimes, especially with younger kids. This article helps people understand why your stressful vacation seemed enjoyable in memory and ways to make it not as stressful during.

And I thought I was just crazy going on these vacations with my children and regretting every minute of it, then wanting to do it again. I thought it had something to do with masochism. Thank God I'm normal I guess.

I’m going to ask my family, ages two to seventy, to take (imaginary) flexibility pills before we leave.

I still do not see the appeal of young families to come to NYC with babies in strollers. Why? The kid will not remember anything about it and you will find it extremely hard to navigate an overcrowded tourist area with trash and yuck a few inches from your precious treasure. How about come visit before the baby (hit the bars, nightlife and such), and when the kid is about 6 (Disney store, zoo, etc). more enjoyable for all. Otherwise you will end up changing the love of you life’s diapers on the dirty floor of the Port Authority (as a couple did this morning and I walked around them), or having the kid reach out and stick her hand in a puddle of brown toxic waste on 8th Ave, and tasting it (as I saw this weekend), or more. Think about it. Or else spend the rest of the vacation arguing about it.

I used to live in London, and, particularly in the summer, I would see people who were obviously tourists getting into nasty, heated arguments with each other. I would think, "Bethca they're going to go home and tell everyone what a great time they had!".

This must be the same process the mind goes through after childbirth. Only women will fully understand this, but if, as I did, you have a difficult childbirth experience (and I do mean difficult AND long AND painful) you will probably have thoughts along the lines of “If God will only get this thing inside me OUT, I swear I will NEVER get pregnant or give birth again EVER, no matter what, no matter how long.” And what happens. A year or two later, you have spent enough time with that “little bundle of joy” that you have somehow forgotten all the pain and misery, and darned if you don’t go and repeat it all over again. When my first child added insult to injury by having colic the first 3 months of her life, I told a good friend of mine, “why didn’t you tell me how horrible this was all going to be? Why didn’t you warn me?” My friend’s answer? “Everybody tends to forget how bad it is because if you didn’t forget, nobody would have a second child. And if you told other people how bad it is, people would stop having kids altogether.” So yes, the mind does play tricks on how you remember painful experiences so that over time you only remember the good things.

Next week I'm traveling with my 3 sisters to Ireland. For the last month, everyone has been telling me that a dramatic blow-up is inevitable because of our unresolved tensions and one sister who's a loud and compulsive liar. I'm sure they are right. I plan to practice a remote presence. I'll bring back a mixed bag of memories, but my experience will be all good.

We started family vacations when our kids were 8 and 6. The first trip was to the coast of Oregon. We chose it because our kids had never seen the ocean. They flew kites, built sand stuff, ate new foods, andwent to a concert of South American music. As the kids grew we added a museum here and there, but the main theme for the trips was “let’s see something we have never seen before. “ These kids are in their thirties now and we are still going together as a family to see something we have never seen before. There is stress, of course, especially when you add in two new family members who don’t understand our little quirks. But life is stressful, so figure out how to deal with stress rather than try to eradicate it. And dealing competently with the stress of new situations and new people is a great life lesson.

Great things to keep in mind and a timely read as I await my flight to Rome. I love to unplug so I have no problem not checking social media, email, etc. etc. When I have kids I’ll take them to where I had the best vacations growing up - Vail, Maui and Sun Valley. That’s it! I’ve loved these places my whole life and I’m sure my kids will too. We’ll probably skip most (read: all) trips that involve museums and too much planned activities.

Lots of walking and sightseeing is not even fun for adults, and especially not in very cold or very hot weather. Over the years I have learned to keep sightseeing to two three really memorable sights a day, with one museum a day (unless there are some really outstanding museums that we cannot for in otherwise), and try to find fun hotels where one can swim or partake another fun leisure activity. I have allowed the kids to have more screen time, to allow us to relax and rest. Kids still bicker anyways but these has helped. Our favorite holiday have been in the great outdoors, either hiking, kayaking, or canoeing I figure they can go sightseeing when they are adults and can appreciate culture more.

Every city we go to, we try to eat at one place that was on Guy Fieri’s TV show. The first time it was by accident, just the nearest restaurant to our hotel. Now we do it on purpose...but we don’t decide which until we get there. Sort of planned and sort of spontaneous. And it always has something the kids will like.

I went on yearly cross country camping trips as a kid each summer 1976 -1981, with my father and other family friends. These would last for 4-5 weeks (All fathers worked for a Fortune 50 corporation and got that much + more vacation). While we missed our friends a lot during this time and by the 5th summer my brother and I were sort of burned out by these trips, we have great memories and stories from these trips. Even no air conditioning in Georgia and Florida along with Peanut Butter/Strawberry Jam sandwiches and not cold water for breakfast/lunch in July I look back with humor. But I can no longer eat Strawberry Jam with Peanut Butter.

I learned many years ago that travel with youngsters is about subjugating your desires to their objectives for the vacation. I always tried to plan around the things they wanted to see and do, and only fit in my wants as they worked. Our family vacations were always pretty low stress and it’s interesting that they still enjoy the travels. Traveling is stressful enough without pushing the kids. As we get older the kids still really want to come even though they are adults and the trips are “we are going to blank on these dates. There will be room if you want to go with us.

I thought that is just me, I did not know it is a common phenomenon! Every time during the trip I think that is it, I should have divorced long time ago. On the way back somehow it is all ok and we had such a memorable time as family

Nothing to do with the kids. Adults traveling together go through the same thing and end up with the same good memories. And why does most of the article have nothing to do with what the headline indicates?

I’m reading this article from an apartment in Tel Aviv where I am staying with my wife, our 4 and 1 year old children, my 71 year old parents, and my mother in law. We’re half way through our 2 week Israel adventure and this article is spot on. There are a lot of needs in our group and we are trying every day to keep stress low and see as much as we can see. Some days have been better than others but the joy of spending uninterrupted time with your children is worth some aggravation.

A friend calls family vacation an oxymoron.

There is a great blog about this that paints it in a comic light: https://www.mblazoned.com/vacation-or-trip-a-helpful-guide-for-parents/

A trip to the Washington Zoo would have been the antidote for your son and would have been fun for everyone.

Wouldn’t the seventh month in the year be September? Hmm. That’s strange.

This adds to previous research showing that parents are often actually miserable and unhappy, much unhappier than they were before having children, but our coping mechanisms help us pretend to others and ourselves that we are doing great. If humans had to face the reality of how awful and pointless it is to have little children, instead of the free life we could have had without them, the human species would have died out long ago.

About a hundred years ago, the brain morphing (described by this article) was defined as 'repression'. Starting about 1960 this seems to have changed to 'cognitive dissonance', which provides a motivational drive to reduce the unpleasant memories. According to VandenBos (2007): "repression n. 1. in classic psychoanalytic theory and other forms of DEPTH PSYCHOLOGY, the basic DEFENSE MECHANISM that consists of excluding painful experiences and unacceptable impulses from consciousness. Repression operates on an unconscious level as a protection against anxiety produced by objectionable sexual wishes, feelings of hostility, and ego-threatening experiences of all kinds. It comes into play in most other forms of defense, as in denial, in which individuals avoid unpleasant realities by first repressing them and then negating them." (p. 790) "cognitive dissonance an unpleasant psychological state resulting from inconsistency between two or more elements in a cognitive system. It is presumed to involve a state of heightened arousal and to have characteristics similar to physiological drives (e.g. hunger). Thus, cognitive dissonance creates a motivational drive in an individual to reduce the dissonance." (p. 189) Cite: VandenBos, Gary R. (Ed.) APA Dictionary of Psychology. American Psychological Association, 2007.

“ make it a point to give children undivided attention while traveling”. OR, children could develop their ability to amuse themselves and to come to the realization that the world does not revolve around them.

Or you could stay home and simply spend unstructured time with your children. Play with them. Let them be children. Talk to them. Play some music. Read some books. Walk. Bike. You just might find truth in the old saw: The best things in life are free. (And are there at home, right under your nose.)

I started to love travel when I realized it wasn’t supposed to be fun.

So much truth in this article! Time away with family, especially when children are very young, often feels more like a “trip” than a “vacation.” Making memories, yes, but relaxing, no. https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.theonion.com/disney-world-opens-new-ord...

Every summer, the Husband and I take our Daughter and two early teenage granddaughters to Seattle, for at least a week. We pay for their flights, round trip, their own hotel room, preferably next to ours, all meals, and a certain set amount for souvenirs, school/ work clothes, etc.. it’s the best week of the year, for all of us, every time. The big secret: every day, it’s a different persons turn to choose places to sightsee, shop, and eat. Since we’ve all been at least several times, we know what we like, and what we want to explore further. We also keep up on the local news, new attractions, restaurants, etc.. The Pacific Science Center, and Museums are favorites, along with Pike Place Market. And we all love riding the light rail and walking everywhere, we never rent a car. My main point is find YOUR happy place, and really get to know it. There’s nothing wrong with returning to the same place for vacations, especially if you already know you love it there. Bon Voyage.

All of my favorite vacations with my family was what my parents called 'Camping'. With the exception of the first tent, camping never included an honest camp-out again. My Dad did try to remain a humble camper in a small air stream camper he rented. My Mom tolerated it only slightly better than a tent. For the next 3 years the rented vacation trailer was a bit bigger but my Mom hated it. We girls loved camping because we were allowed to go off own our own and explore as long as we stayed on the trails and together. But not my Mom. She was handicapped and that severely limited her ability to participate in any event. Then Dad rented a cabin at Lake Tahoe. The perfect summer for my 15 year old self in my new hip-hugger bathing suit (1965), all day on the beach with other teens. Heaven!. I now know that frightened both of my parents badly enough that vacations became more confined. They went to Las Vegas and had a great time while my sister and stayed in the hotel room and watched tv while shooting rubber bands at each other. The most boring vacations ever. But my Mom had finally found a vacation she loved. Her wheelchair had wonderful access, nobody stared at her, and she never had to cook. Best of all, she had 100% of Daddy's attention all of the time! There should be 2 vacations for parents; one for the kids and one for parents. Then use the national holidays as the 'entire family memory-making mini-vacations'. But, keep in mind, nobody has to work during vacation.

There is truth here. I might add that stress due to unfamiliarity, travel, disruption, etc isn't the province of kids, which is then shouldered by the parents. I think kids, depending on how young they are, pretty much reflect their parents' stress. And for parents, there is a good deal of stress in leaving their stressors - ie routines - behind. Vacation for me, I've realized, "works" when I've reconnected with my family, when I'm able to hold my attention on them in a concerted fashion without thinking about a dozen other things - and not in a way that wonders what needs doing (in either the long or short term), but on them as they are in that moment. This is love. And strangely enough (lefty philosophical turn ahead), this love requires that many or all of the behavioral, material, professional, ambitious and otherwise society-driven demands (markets?) be put aside. Perhaps it was ever thus, but we live in a moment when family and love are revolutionary acts, ones that cut against the 21st century expectations of citizenship - which include a large part of the day working to service debt and a certain part of the day online or watching the television (to be instructed on further debt to accrue). Vacation, when successful, connects us to something that makes these other demands moot - ie, ourselves and other humans. It's not about the place (though nature helps). It's about the people, and connectedness. All you need is...

Vacations are cultural constructs and a way of monetizing leisure. They involve allocating scarce leisure ("vacation") time (at least in the U.S.) and increasingly scarce discretionary funds to increasingly expensive accommodations and tourist attractions. And vacations are marketed as obligatory--who wants to be left out as friends compare their "wonderful" vacation experiences. Obviously this doesn't apply to all uses of vacation time--some gatherings and travels can be fun. But, I would suggest, not most. Given the cultural expectations, allocation of scarce leisure time, and financial sacrifices, who would want to admit that staying home and enjoying local attractions and each other would have been a better choice?

As a long time resident of the DC area, some suggestions. First, spring and fall are the glory months in the area but springtime often sees the Mall area overcrowded with school trips and general tourism, so lower expectations about how much you can do and where you can go are needed. This part of summer, right now, deservedly is called the dog days, though pleasant temperatures can sometimes surprise residents and visitors. If I were traveling with a child old enough to have preferences, I would ask him or her what they would like to do in regard to museums and sights and head there first. Some participatory democracy can help. Staying downtown in DC can be quite expensive, so many people stay in suburban motels and thus create travel problems for themselves. Get to know the DC Metro map and try to stay a short ride away from where you want to go and, if possible, avoid traveling in or out bound at the typical rush hours (your nation's bureaucratic servants, however, can be seen coming and going at all hours, from very early (5 am) until well past nine at night). It is a mistake come to DC and rush through whatever you can see in only a day, just like it is a mistake to go to Paris and stop only two or three days. Two days should be the minimum. Instead of trying to run yourself ragged so you can say you've "done DC", slow down and pick the top things of personal interest. You'll be rewarded more by seeing less and enjoying it.

This article caught my eye because I can personally relate to all of the things mentioned. My family has been going to Cape May ever since my dad was seven years old and it has become a very important family tradition. We all stay in one big house together for an entire week. Even though we keep this tradition alive and always reminisce about the heartwarming memories, it is not aways the "perfect" family vacation. I have many little cousins who get extremely bored and end up throwing temper tantrums just because they don't have anything else better to do. This of course causes an uneasiness in the house and then leads to many stressed out parents and bickering. Now, I can't put all the blame on my little cousins because I am constantly being screamed at to get off my phone. Dr. Saltz addressed this topic with parents by saying, "You have to understand that older children need to be able to connect with their friends and they are going to want time on their phones." I can strongly relate to and appreciate this statement, but my mom always ends up getting her way by limiting my phone use. Although there are many tense and stressed feelings felt during that week, there are also many amazing memories made. After our family dinners, we all sit around the table, share funny stories, and enjoy each other's company. I will always think of Cape May as a place of happiness and family, no matter what happens throughout the week.

This article has caught my attention this week on the New York Times. It caught my attention because my family is this article down to a T. All my vacations are stressful and filled with bickering responses back and forth. My family and I love each other, but it's like whenever we are leaving the house for a long trip, a switch gets turned on and everyone is on edge ninety-nine percent of the time. Even in the process of packing and making sure everything is ready for our trip, my family gets very agitated. Myself included. Dr. Gail Saltz said “One way to bring expectations down to a reasonable level is to consider how we think and talk about the trip ahead of time, If parents position a vacation as ‘the best trip ever,’ then they are setting expectations really high and it won’t take much to be disappointed.” I can relate to this because my father uses this strategy usually only on our flights or car rides. He warns us a head of time and tells my brother, sister and I that we need to plan some things to keep us occupied and comfortable during the long trip to our destination. Another thing that I related to was that "parents often expect that their preteens and teenagers will put down their devices" My siblings and I are all teenagers and we have discussed this issue with our parents many times before. A vacation cannot be completely phone-free when there are three teenagers in the family, but we comprise and set boundaries.

Don’t go into it with the thought “Let’s make these moments memorable.”

Nice piece. I must also say that I have experienced the opposite effect: pleasant outings/evenings that I enjoy, but that don't settle that well in the mind afterward. Hope might have driven me forward through the day with optimism, but in retrospect, hope was not realized... that sort of thing. Unrequited love relationships typify this psychological response, I suppose. The lesson there would be to void spending "too much" time with someone who does not return your affection. It can feel painful afterward, even if you submerge the pain in the present. And with all of life, there is the "years later" view, when anything and everything becomes colored by what comes after. I think it is important to remember that the essence of life is sweet. But this is about vacation planning, not life planning : )

You missed a key issue: Recognize differences. I am a gung ho tourist, not choosing to waste a moment in a new town. My children and spouse want more downtime, so I often don't tour with the full pack, catering to their different interests. It helps we tend to vacation, in walkable cities, staying in one location to provide the older children independence to undertake activities on their own. And as for planning...leave it loose. Collect a list of things to do, and recognize you won't get to all of them. Finish the tour glad of the time together, not sick of each other.

Funny. I have fond memories of our family trip to Yellowstone and Grandt Tetons with young kids. Problem was, the plan had us changing hotels each day, to take in all aspects of the parks. We saw and did so much! Yay! Yet our kids still call this the vacation when mom was grouchy all the time.

Interesting thoughtful article most of my family vacations have been mixed outcomes but memorable

I think all vacations have both positive memories (all eating together, a fun trip to the boardwalk, ice cream, etc), and also the stressful bickering. But the good outweighs that bad, and THAT's why we don't remember the bad.

I completely disagree with this article! I remember the good and the bad and the same is true for my kids. The not-so-happy memories (fights, etc.) don't negate the good ones, though. Just part of the spectrum of family travel. None of us wear rose-colored glasses, I guess.