I stay with my son (6) till he falls asleep. After that, he sleeps like a stone while I return to my own bed to sleep fitfully, waking at every small sound and tiptoeing to check on him or just making sure his blanket is pulled around him. I keep looking at his bedroom window from mine (L shaped apartment) and wish he was in my room instead. My husband though has no such problem.
4
It is amazing to me how many parents think parenting is about them. It is about the kids. My wife and I naiively did co-sleeping and at around two and a half realized it was a habit we all had to break. But we wanted to do so without making our son feel unwanted. So we put a thin sheet on the hardwood floor next to our bed with no pillow and told him he was getting so big and grown up that we made a special place in our room just for him. First night he slept on the sheet on the floor. Second night at some point he got up and we found him in his bed. Third night he just went to his bad and never co-slept again. We are far from perfect parents and expect our son will be in therapy at some point about something we've done or not done, but hopefully not about that!
11
Just wondering-- why was it a "habit you had to break"?
6
I'm sure people freaked out that I breast fed my son until he was three, but he went to sleep so easily, had no illnesses...how could you argue with that? You know yourself, you know your kids, do what feels right in your gut. You will know the how, when and why of ending this sleeping arrangement....as I told my son (now 35 with his own two kids) on the night before his 3rd birthday 'tomorrow you are going to be a big boy and we won't be nursing anymore". He nodded, tried to get into bed with me the next morning, I said, no, remember what we said? He cried, I cried and his father took him downstairs for breakfast and that was that.
5
My 17 year old daughter is amazing, thoughtful and a normal developing adult, who slept with me for many years. Did our lives turn out perfectly? No. Did it change the course of our lives? Who knows. Will we both be miserable or amazing? Also who knows. We have a great relationship. Co-sleeping is just a choice among many choices throughout our time together.
10
As a married father with two young (2 and 4 y/o) children, I, too find the experience of sleeping next to the little ones, (who find their way in 3 or 4 nights a week) a very sweet experience. As a married man interested in staying that way, I keep this from being an everyday situation: our bedroom belongs first and foremost to my wife and me, and my kids are just visiting.
15
Dr. Bazelton’s sleeping arrangement, although absurdly seen as suspect in the US, is the norm throughout most of the non-Western and developing world. I’d venture to say at least half of humanity shares a family bed and/or bedroom. Criticisms of her family’s chosen sleep arrangements are extremely ethnocentric.
28
Our daughter hated sleeping alone and every night from about age 2 until something (hormones, presumably) kicked in in her brain at about 12, she slept in our bed. Yes, she squirmed and wiggled. No, it didn't bother me. I didn't expect this to happen when she was a baby and we didn't aim for this. My husband and I were (and are) married and happy. But she needed our closeness and I learned to love it too. She chose when to end it. But I wish I could turn back the clock and experience that sweetness again.
12
Too many of these stories involve husbands and fathers leaving the family, often at very formative times in the children's development. It seems very selfish of these supposedly adult men, and very sad.
19
American parents too frequently forget their job is to be parents - not friends - and they should be assisting their kids to be strong independent people.
Using your children to satisfy your own needs and wants is child abuse at worst, and child neglect at best.
14
A parent who does what is best for her, not what is best for her kids, is - imo - not a healthy parent.
13
Of concern to me are the single parents who "co-sleep" and become emotionally dependent on their kids. I've seen it too many times.
19
Children have to learn how to self-regulate their feelings and they will have difficulty learning to do this if their parents are not skilled at self-regulating their own feelings. Parents first have to do what's best for their children. Kids are hypersensitive to the emotional state of their parents. Feelings are contagious - if their parent is anxious then they get anxious. It is a major responsibility for parents to teach and model for their children how to cope with stress and anxiety. Yes, divorce can be traumatizing and stressful but there are ways other than co-sleeping for dealing with these challenges such as psychotherapy. One comment states: "Lara needs to get a dog." Getting a dog may help some. But for long term benefits for herself and for her children Lara needs to get a good therapist. As a psychologist, Dr. Dennis-Tiwary should know this.
11
We slept with our twins once. The first night we brought them home from the hospital. One threw up in the bed in the middle of the night. From the next night on, we put them in their own cribs in their own rooms. We have never regretted it. We now, 11 years later, sleep down the hall with our door closed. Kids know they can knock of there is a problem, but there never is. My husband and I enjoy lazy sex on weekend mornings. We would have it no other way.
12
One more thing. Lots of you are saying "the child moves into their own bed whenever they're ready, no problem." I have no doubt this is often the case. BUT I should mention that, as someone who slept with her mother till about 13, I did of course eventually move to my own bed, but I did NOT do it without anxiety or worry over the move. In fact, I felt for a LONG time beforehand that I should be in my own room, but I didn't know if I could handle it. At least consider that you may not know all your child's feelings about the matter, even if they move to another room without any discussion - that may not mean they did it without any FEELINGS or any repercussions.
13
And, to be clear, I certainly would never have discussed my feelings with my mother, and I never even considered discussing it with her later. We did not have a close relationship. Sharing a bed does not make a close relationship automatic. Past about 12 years of age I told her nothing about my life and I left home the minute I could at 18 and never spent more than a night or two under her roof again until she was old and I had no choice but to help her. Anecdotal yes - but the point is co-sleeping is not a magic bullet for a well-adjusted child or a close parent-child relationship.
10
Just a reoccurring flash from the past: imagine sharing a family phone attached to the wall with seven people/ 2 parents and 5 kids 7-17.
4
Lara needs to get a dog.
8
Reading the reactions here, I think context matters:
-- Co-sleeping in the same bed is different than sharing a sleeping room.
-- Age and appropriate boundaries should be considered. Co-sleeping at 4-yrs-old is different than at 13-14, after puberty.
-- Providing an environment where a child feels safe, loved and part of a 'tribe" is different than allowing attachments and unhealthy dependencies, being inappropriately intimate, and projecting an emotional "adultification" onto the child, which makes them confused about their role in the parent's life and within the family dynamic.
There are so many factors that make the outcomes of co-sleeping and sharing bedrooms healthy or ill-advised -- ie, a possible benefit, a neutral experience, or a situation that produces (or is an indication of) underlying behavioral or psychological issues with the child, the parent or both.
It seems common for divorced parents, especially dads, to extend co-sleeping with kids past a healthy period of time. I think it's probably wise to limit co-sleeping and sharing sleeping rooms by the time a child is 8- to 9-years-old, and it should probably end by the time they are 10. Otherwise, you may end up with the proverbial Daddy's Girl or Momma's Boy. Society doesn't need any more of those!
7
Ms. Bazelon’s words and sentiment ring so very true for me. I have an occasional co-sleeper. Although my son is a bit older than Ms. Bazelon’s children were when she wrote this piece and my family has not endured the trauma of divorce, I have been reluctant to send away my co-sleeper for similar reasons. It is a harsh, cruel, and often very sad world out there. Yes, my son needs my warm embrace. But I, too, occasionally need his sweetness, his innocence, his warm little body next to mine to shut out the world and bring me comfort.
4
Our cultural attitude toward shared sleeping is just that--cultural. My husband and I shared our bed with our three kids until they chose to move to their own beds--though at first that might have been a foam mattress tucked under our bed and pulled out for them at night. Today, they are happy, independent adults. One lives two states away, another on the west coast, and the clingiest of the three in France. Enjoy it in the moment!
9
Actually, a lot of sexually abused children would have been safer, sleeping next to their mother.
9
Many Americans have no common sense sense when it comes to child rearing. If a child has difficulty falling asleep or frequent nightmares, let's withhold the natural antidote to these common problems by insisting the child stay in his or her own bed, tired, miserable, and awake. These problems generally resolve themselves as the child grows older, especially if the parent provides the reassurance of physical presence. I was raised to stay in my own bed or be punished. I remain a poor sleeper decades later. When my son was small, he was also a terrible sleeper and we often slept in the same bed, his or mine, until his sleeping problems resolved. Today, he has no sleep problems.
12
Anecdotal. I slept with my mother till I was about 13, and I've been a raging insomniac most of my life.
9
A parent isn’t a pervert if they simply sleep in the same bed with their children, but thanks for putting that in our heads. Is there anything “experts” can’t ruin?
5
Families co-sleep all over the world. In cultures where grandparents live in the family home, they get to sleep with the children—wonderful for the old people and the children. In any case, in our western culture, here is what happens where parents feel they’re doing something wrong if they don’t get the kids to sleep in their own beds: we maybe eat breakfast with the kids(but probably not), drop them off at daycare, pick them up maybe at 6 pm, eat with them (but probably not), wash them (maybe but all that fatigue!), put them in their “own room” (so we can have peace and quiet), watch TV while handling childish protests, go to bed and refuse the children access!! P.S. anybody commenting on parenting in The Times can call themselves a psychologist, which is just so much shouting. Use the brains god gave you, people!!
8
Odd but predictable in our culture that we choose to overanalyze human behavior which varies according to circumstance. It's as though we're supposed to have been given a rule book at birth. All deviancy from those implied rules recommends an expensive study or at least therapy $$$. Ah capitalism at work!
7
Just another example of “it’s all about me” suburban culture.
It should be about the well being of the children. Maybe mom should get a teddy bear.
Everyone goes through trauma in this life. Don’t feel rained on.
M
12
This is common. It only gets weird and inappropriate when the kids are older. I saw my mom do this after her divorce with my little brother. Only my father being a sadistic man decided to try to accuse her of or at least insinuate it was a form of sexual abuse. That promptly ended it.
4
I never had children to sleep beside me. I had dogs, though. But this made my cry. How beautiful to be so vulnerable and honest.
4
I can only assume that none of the co-sleeping parents has sex any more once they have children. Sounds like a pretty good method of birth control, provided neither parent would still like to be sexually active -- at least once in a while -- without either endangering the marriage or traumatizing the kids.
6
Just last week, the New York Times ran a feature questioning why Americans were having so few children. Perhaps the popularity of co-sleeping would be one of the reasons.
5
I na not a mother, so I can only tell my perspective as daugther. Me and my two sisters slept in my parents bedroom until we were 6/7 yr. My parents justified it with the same arguments made by the author and most people comenting the article. They thought ir wars great, that many cultures did it, that we erre kids, that it was a fase...you name it. The real thing was they wanted it. We didn’t know other way. The three of us had consequences of the co-sleping, some obvious, some only discovered in our adulthood. Bottom line, now I realize that it was very selfish of them To have us co-sleeping with them, no matter how they racionalize it. It was bad for us. Even if they can’t ser it until todas. Don’t do it to your kids, put their needs first. Kids are not teddy bears, or safety blankts. We will pay the peixe, even if our parents never admit.
7
There are some nights I hear: “Mommy. Sleep with me please.” Other night I hear: “Mommy, get out of my bed!” He’s 4 1/2.
I comply with both requests.
3
Our daughter would come in every night, and climb in with us. But she kicked too much! So, I put a mat under the bed, and she would come in with her pillow and I would sleepily pull the mat out from under the bed and she would lay down and go right back to sleep! Near us, but not too near.
3
I am 36 and single, and still "migrate" when my parents come to visit...
3
One thing I know is that if you think something your family does that is “out of the ordinary” do a little research to listen to why it is considered “wrong” then do exactly what works for your crew. I loved it when my privileged children decided to move their beds into one room together and use the other room for Playmobile. Years later they moved apart when privacy became important as long as everyone does it by choice, why not? We are talking about young children and a single mom and happiness.
6
I find it funny and also disconcerting that people feel the need to explain co-sleeping, or that it has its own special term. There is nothing wrong with wanting to sleep next to one's children, or one's parents. It is in fact entirely normal and does not need to be justified with reference to any deficiency, illness, divorce, etc.
Let people sleep wherever they sleep well and beware of anyone who tells you otherwise. Enjoying the comfort of being near one's loved ones, especially when winding down for the night, is not something one needs to "get over."
Does it surprise anyone that there is a "Sleep Health Economy" and it is "growing?" Investors are being advised to get in on this billion dollar market.
From the Guardian: According to a 2017 McKinsey report the sleep-health industry – anything from bedding and sound control to sleep consultants and prescription sleep aids – “is collectively estimated to be worth between $30bn and $40bn and has historically grown by more than 8% a year, with few signs of slowing down”.
5
To ponder sleeping arrangements, ponder also waking.
In Hindu Some say prayers to the waking time. They ask mother earth for permission upon leaving the flow of sleep that the physical hands may labor and feet may touch the earth.
So this may help you define sleeps meaning for you and a child.
2
I think many individuals are missing the core point of some (not all) of the critical comments seen here. Many reacting negatively are expressing commentary relative to this particular outlet chosen by Ms. Bazelon to cope with her divorce. This feedback should not be conflated with indictments of co-sleeping in general. Had this family chosen co-sleeping from the beginning rather than having it commence post divorce, it is an entirely different conversation. For the purposes of an intelligent, coherent, productive dialog, it is absolutely imperative to be able to separate commentary critical of co-sleeping at large from those questioning the tactics used by Ms. Bazelon in this specific scenario.
4
All the people commenting positively seem to be single mothers. I would be interested in hearing from married mothers and fathers. I’m surprised that nobody who grew up sleeping with their mother has commented one way or the other.
2
Rick, keep reading, I did comment, several times.
Well, you can make a cat neurotic this way, too ...
Married, co-slept happily, now we have a13-year old with no sleeping issues (except getting up early for school), loving&helpful, and each day more independent.
1
The illustration is brilliant! I want a bed cover like that...
(OK, and now I am going to read the article.)
1
I also thought the illustration was beautiful. Definitely pulled me right into the article.
2
When my spouse and I separated, I got a dog. She hogged the empty side of the bed and helped me more than I imagined possible.
6
To those that object to cosleeping, I have a couple of questions for you. We don’t sleep with our partners simply for sex, right? No, it’s also for comfort - why would you deny your child that comfort? Ever thought about why children sleep with stuffed animals? Also for comfort. Life is so short, why should we deny our loved ones this warmth and comfort?
8
first world problems.
and everyone concerned with what’s “right” because they’ve unlearned how to listen to honest instincts.
i had friends growing up who could only afford one room, one bed, for the entire family.
they’re fine.
all this self-inflicted torture over options.
11
I do not know if co-sleeping with your children is a good or bad thing but using your children to make yourself feel better when you are feeling physically or emotionally bad does not seem right and could potentially become emotionally abusive. I hope it does not become the job of her children to make her feel better whenever she is ill or is experiencing some kind of trauma in her life.
6
As an old man now, I have a lovely memory of our little girl coming in the middle of the night with her blankie and saying "me hops in", enjoy it while you can
16
Sleeping together is the most natural thing in the world. the tight warm family bonds of most hispanic families are not created by artificial constructs that dictate that a child has to sleep by him/herself through the night. Who invented this rule??? it's not how most traditional societies have done since families began. I treasure the warm, cozy moments snuggled with my kids, one in each arm, even now years later, long after they decided they wanted their own corner for the night. but they know my door is always open.
7
Co-sleeping with the children might be healthy - even healing - if it comes from the place of selflessness, generosity and love. If it comes from a needy, angry and disappointed place, then this is essentially vampirism that will scar children for life. And make them perpetuate it.
Don;t do it. Get a cat.
3
To be honest, co-sleeping is not the problem. It is how the parent manages all situations where a child wants something and the parent is unable to set boundaries.
It is the parent who cannot deny little johnny that toy or dessert or keep them from running around a store shrieking. Those are the parents who need help to learn how to provide love without giving in because it is too much work to, well, parent your child.
6
I come away from this not thinking about whether or not co-sleeping is a problem, but rather that we as a society still haven't come to grips with the damage no-fault divorce has done to all involved.
We had a little migrator also. She was terrified of the dark. I always thought it was a genuine act of bravery on her part to walk in the dark to our room at night. Now she is leaving for college and is a very independent young woman. Your children will be fine and you will too.
9
I was a single dad. However, when I was married to the kid's mom the kids slept close. As infants, the kids would sleep next to mom because mammalian woman have the feeding apparatus attached to her torso. As they got a little older I made a simple bed so that they were right next to us, but in their own bed. When they were one and three I made a bed that ran the length of the foot of our bed. It was like a twin bed at the foot of our Califonia King.
After the divorce, the kids still wanted to sleep close. For obvious reasons, a man isn't allowed to sleep with his young kids. My solution was simple--I made simple sleeping palettes that slid under my bed. The kids could go to their room and sleep, but they were always free to sleep with me, but on the mattresses on the floor. If they fell asleep on my bed, then it was an easy move.
When the kids got older--seven and eight--they opted for their own beds all the time.
I think that the kids were close because they needed to be close. I think that it is healthy to allow them to be close.
I grew up in a large family and I shared a room with my brother until I was in the eighth grade. I was almost never alone at night until that time.
I think that we, as a society, need to reconsider what it is that our kids need and we must find a way to accomodate their needs in ways that still maintain other healthy boundaries.
It is as easy as tossing a futon on the floor next to the bed and calling it camping with Dad.
11
Seems like the kids were default therapists for the mom. At any rate all should be fine with this sleeping arrangement ONLY IF everyone feels refreshed in the morning and is not sleepy or fatigued or short-tempered during the day. If anyone, kid or any parent, has chronically disturbed sleep the whole family will suffer. Three beds in the same room is fine too, as long as no one disturbs another.
4
This is a general question, but I would love specific answers: as in the case of this lovely piece, but in others as well, why do people feel the need (or qualification!) to judge the decisions others make as parents?
12
Co sleeping is different to room sharing. Japanese and various other cultures used mats traditionally. I am assuming that a child getting their own mat in a non nomadic culture might be a celebration just as a papoose might be in a nomadic one. could be it has connection to childs day on the fifth day of the fifth Moon. Actual birthdays may or may not have been celebrated.
So if you are using culture as a basis are you including a majority of the other cultural norms that do not express individuality over group.
Running/hiding from attacking tribes, for example
1
Why was the divorce so traumatic and why didn't the author seek professional help instead of turning her kids into therapists? I too was a "mom" that got on a plane on Monday and came back on Thursday except for when I was out of the country. The difference, my kid was older and I made an exceptionally poor choice in husbands and doubled down by staying for 14 years. I was unable to mother my kid being away so much and didn't fool myself or him like the author did. I did the best I could. The divorce was a blessing and released us all from the trauma of the marriage. Outwardly, people thought we had it all and were happy with mom bringing home the bacon and dad being a super cool Mr. Mom.
In reading the article the words I, Me, My, Mine stick out. It almost sounds like her plans were not in step with her husband's. Plans need to be fluid and it is unhealthy to project your trauma onto your kids. Kids are traumatized when they see adults acting out trauma. Sadly, divorce is part of everyday life. Perfect pictures get shattered and you put them back together and try to patch the gaps. Plans often include detours like a 25 year detour in getting a PhD.
6
Well, this is nicely said and poignant. But I didn't co-sleep because of a hole in me, I co-slept to keep my children whole. And it did - the adults are strong and confident and successful. Physical contact and security - holding your children and being physically available - can only ever make them stronger, not weaker. When they are strong enough to move away and not cling, they will - and hopefully they will be strong enough to hold their children close. Leaving small children several days and nights a week does not hold them close and build their confidence.
We all tell ourselves stories and try to explain what we did or didn't do, especially when our actions/inactions fall outside current norms. For most of human history, co-sleeping has been the accepted norm. The last century's "science" on what parents should and shouldn't do has changed, then changed, then changed again. Science on child development (roughly including psychology here) always shifts, and my guess is that parents and caretakers and educators who devote a lot of time to co-sleeping, breastfeeding, educating, teaching, leading - basically doing the real and hard work of raising children - probably aren't the same parents and professionals who are writing grant proposals and driving "science"....
Look back at this again in twenty years. Wait till your children are parents. You will see holes in them that you can't even guess at now, and be glad that your co-sleeping helped fill some of them.
10
My beloved daughter was diagnoses with autism at 24 months. Once she was out of the crib she was quickly in my bed. It was the honest truth to state she needed to be in my bed because with her sleep disorder and incredible hyper-activity I needed to be ever-alert to her movements at all times. But she stayed in my bed for years. I recognized was that I NEEDED her physical presence.. I'd lost the child who spoke and responded verbally to me, I'd lost the child who gave me eye-contact and played with me. I desperately needed her physical presence to assure me "she" was still with me, even though autism had made her into a completely different person. Rose is 18 now. Everyone comments on how "loving" she is. Could it have been that in the dark of night for so many years she had the reassurance of a mother's strong love by her side? We'll never know. But the Dalai Lama would say, unequivocally - "yes."
13
Co-sleeping for breastfeeding is the best way. Lying on your side and breastfeeding in a big bed allows the safety of the baby and the comfort of the mom to be optimal. The baby can sleep through eating and not even open her eyes as she feeds as it's instinct. It's easiest on the mom physically. I didn't want to co-sleep at first as it is not pediatrician approved however by 4 months it started happening. It was easy to get to the baby to fall asleep when laying down when feeding her and then keep up with the feeding throughout the night. This should be discussed more as it is quite natural to do. It is the way I imagine co sleeping starts for many of us. I figured it will end when the breastfeeding does yet can see how it's a hard habit to end if everyone is sleeping well.
6
My estranged wife and I raised her sister’s daughter for years. While my niece had her own room and bed, she slept on my side and me on a sheepskin “mattress” and pillow on the floor. She had slept with her grandmother when younger. She seemed insecure and I loved be a parent despite my morning back ache.
7
As I was reading this, I began to think, "so what?" I'm sure there are some places on earth where the family slept/is sleeping together out of necessity of some sort. Your kids feel safe and loved. There are so many worse things you can do to your child.
8
I thought this was beautifully written. Once a week or so, our daughter appeared by the side of the bed in the middle of the night. I would grab her, swing her over my body, and there she would stay, between her father and me, for the rest of the night. This lasted until she was about 8 or 9. She is now a well adjusted teen with excellent sleeping habits. She looks back fondly on those nights. I read an article in the Times years ago, "Who's Bed is it, Anyway?" in which a pediatrician was quoted as saying that he guaranteed the kids would outgrow it, and eventually sleep in their own bed. I firmly believe that you have to do what's best for you and your family. No judgements. Rock on, Lara, for going with your instincts!
12
In primitive societies the children in the family tend to sleep with each other, but not with the parents. Though a lot of people here agree with you, I actually think your children were too young to be placed in a position where they felt they had to support you emotionally through your traumatic and lonely time after the divorce. I think it would have been better to have seen a good child psychologist who could have counseled you on how to truly nurture your children at this crucial time, really working through how the children's needs could be best met, rather than encouraging mutual reliance, perhaps co-dependencies, which no child is emotionally mature enough to take on without it causing it's own set of problems, or even further trauma. Your ex-husband should have confronted you about it, but clearly felt too guilty to do so.
Parents need to think twice about clinging to their children in times of crisis. They need to ask themselves regularly if they are genuinely helping the child recover, or if there might be a chance that they are dragging the child down.
9
It's funny that you are referring both to "primitive societies," and to "a good child psychologist," as sources the author should look to for guidance. What happens in the former is probably not guided by the latter, but by human instinct and mutual love and affection, as in the author's family.
9
What's a primitive society?
3
We had migrators too; one would come in and climb into bed without waking up. My husband or I would wake up with a child cuddled in.
We did walk them back, if we were awake, or later if we woke up and found them there, even though they really were not bothering us.
The problem with being a parent is that you have to balance what you need with what your child needs. And sometimes the child needs comfort, but mostly the child needs to learn to comfort himself. So the occasional foray is fine, but the habitual is maybe less so.
I don't like parenting advice and o-sleeping is a pretty loaded topic. So all I'd say is, once you figure out whose needs are being served, and what is best in the long run for the child, you have to act in the interest of the child, even if it isn't what you want or need. Parenting can be very hard on parents.
9
It is strange to think that only in the last tiny speck of human history, only for people who have accumulated wealth, sleeping alone has become the norm. For all of human prehistory, for hundreds of thousands of years of being roughly human, we have most often and in most places, slept curled up together for warmth, safety or comfort. To think that we now argue over "co-sleeping" or even have a name for it, much less fear it, is very odd indeed.
26
Perhaps that is because in primitive societies, humans, like most mammals, spent parts of the day curled up resting in the sun and shade. Our modern society requires children to be in school all day and parents to be working all day. Children need a lot more sleep at night that most households accommodate
4
Sure, and since co-sleeping seems to make everyone sleep better, more the need for it?
You are absolutely right.
4
A new term for me and surprised that it is so common. How does it teach boundaries? A couple I know slept with their son -at age 5 he did not understand that it was not ok to sunbathe with to teenage girls and put his head on their stomachs. He did not respond to no. My daughter had a nightly ritual of stories in the rocking chair.
2
You don’t have to be separated/divorced to co-sleep. Our daughter usually ends up in our bed, or starts in it, or stays all night. Sometimes I have to leave if the wriggling is intense, sometimes mum. Sometimes no one leaves. We get along and our daughter (yes I’m bias) is secure, funny, very happy and has loads of friends. Go with the flow.
19
I understand very well. When my husband died last year I brought our two pug dogs into bed with me. Their warm little bodies have been such a comfort.
15
When my dad left us, 5 kids and a wife, youngest not yet a year old, we held on desperately to each other. Poor, abandoned, but not alone. Part of our recovery meant all six of us sleeping in the same room. We told stories, comforted each other, grieved, and also used humor to survive. It lasted a year or three. Don’t remember exactly how late MH, but as we got stronger, each of us retreated to our own bed on our own schedule. We are still as close as ever and we are the better for our mother encouraging us to cling to each other and not worrying about dictates that had nothing to offer a wounded and vulnerable family.
40
As a child psychiatrist, I've counseled families with young children that the best sleeping arrangement is the one in which everyone gets the most sleep. For some, that philosophy means some variant of co-sleeping, and for others, it does not.
50
I was the youngest of 3, my parents were also divorced, and when I was very little I always slept in my mother’s bed. I used to fall asleep with my arm around her imagining that if someone tried to steal her in the night I would wake if they moved me and I could save her. I realize this was a child’s fear of abandonment and In retrospect I look back and realize that it provided me with a closeness and deep sense of security at a time when I needed it most, and it formed in me a sense of responsibility for caring for her safety.
My own 2 kids were different from each other in that the eldest needed us to fall sleep with him in his bed, but the youngest wanted his own space in his bed from the get go. When the time is right the child will want space for themselves on their own accord.
Early abandonment and the attachment disorders that result lead to a life of depression, addiction and violence in interpersonal relationships.
It’s only in the first world that families sleep apart. Humanity was designed to sleep together as a form of protection from predators.
32
Our oldest never co-slept and she remains independent to this day (fiercely so). The other two co-slept until 2 1/2 and 3 respectively. We found when they were ready to stop they signaled they wanted to stop. It took one or two nights to segue and that was it. Neither has shown any resulting lifelong scars or deficits. Yes, Ms. Bazelon is very honest regarding her motives, but every parent has motives regarding their children learning to sleep, and who is to say that what she did wasn't an effective counterbalance to her children's trauma at their parents' divorce?
The judgemental outbursts of some commentators is disturbing. They are her children, and if the father did not object then back off people. The "huge burdens" placed on the child are projections in my opinion. Independence builds from security and strong attachments. It also grows from emotional stability at home. I think it worked for her family. That is sufficient.
30
I only co-slept with with my kids when they were wee and still breastfeeding - they would start the night in their crib at the foot of our bed and join us when they got hungry. This ended once they could sleep through the night without hunger - around 5 months.
My older child was very independent and fortunately, when we moved to a house where she had her own room around 9 months old, she took to it well and never complained about being alone. Her little brother is a little more attached, but he enjoys sharing a room with his sister. In the mornings, they can keep themselves entertained for over an hour, reading books together and playing. We hear it all through the door. Co-sleeping doesn't have to just be with parents. We plan to keep our kids in the same bedroom for as long as they both tolerate it, and each other. After all, they're going to rely on one another far longer than they will their parents.
14
I'm not a believer in co-sleeping. Most of the people I know who did this, were leaning on their child for the emotional support they were not getting. That's a huge burden to put on a child.
I need my sleep. I've always needed my sleep. A child crawling into ones bed in the middle of the night would disturb my sleep. In our culture, it has been the practice for at least the past 100 years, for children to sleep in their own beds, and parents in theirs. I do believe that when this happens, everyone sleeps much better.
What my husband and I did enjoy with our children and with the grandchildren, was a quick snuggle in the morning after the alarm went off. Nothing lovelier than a warm sweet child who is still a bit drowsy, crawling in at that time. It was a very nice way to start the day after a good night's sleep.
My first husband left us when the children were 2 1/2 and 5. They had lost the everyday benefit of one of their parents, and they did not need to lose the other by me expecting them to become my emotional support. I was the adult in this picture - the parent - and it was my job to be strong and supportive for them. I needed to find other ways to meet my own emotional needs. I was lucky to marry 3 years later to a lovely man who was a 37 year old bachelor and adored my children.
Was I lonely during those three years? Of course! Did I miss that warm body in the bed next to me? Yes, but I had a substitute - 4 cats! Far healthier for all.
24
Wrong! co sleeping is much better for every one all involved. It reduces the children's natural separation anxiety and increases attachment and bonding. It prevents the mother from waking up to settle the child in the middle of the night, so the parents get better quality sleep. Parents who co sleep develop a much stronger bond with their children. But some people, like you perhaps, don't have or want a close bond with your children. The children suffer.
3
I turn 60 this year. I am the mother of five adults and the grandmother of six children all under 5 years of age. I co-slept with all of my children and do so now with my grandchildren. I’ve never considered it a “bad habit” that needed to be broken. It is simply a sweet human moment that I wouldn’t have missed for anything. My children all outgrew it as, I’m sure, will my grandchildren. What amazes me is the lack of historical perspective and the strangely prurient attitude toward something that has been so common among humans (and other mammals) for millennia. The practice of putting small children into separate rooms to sleep by themselves is a very, very recent innovation. And, to my mind, not a very good one.
83
I appreciate Ms. Bazelon's candor. Contrary to much of the criticism in the comments, I do not get the impression she is trying to justify the practice of co-sleeping so much as she is simply explaining why she did it. Her reflection has sparked an interesting and important conversation.
Many of comments supporting the practice, however, are disturbing. To claim that it's healthy because other human cultures or other mammals practice co-sleeping is a naturalistic fallacy. "Natural"--however defined--is not always good or healthy. Children generally dislike receiving vaccines, but the benefits far outweigh a few pokes. It's also unclear whether co-sleeping is prevalent in other cultures because it's best for the child--as supported by empirical evidence--or for some other reason (tradition, economic necessity, etc.). I do not know the answers to these questions, but some of the comments assert them as fact without supporting evidence. And no, personal anecdotes are not scientific data.
To be clear, I am not a pediatrician or a child psychologist, and I am unfamiliar with the scientific literature on co-sleeping with children. Perhaps the recommendation to avoid co-sleeping is based on inaccurate or insufficient data. Or, perhaps there is solid empirical research justifying this recommendation. Whatever the case, I hope those who are promoting co-sleeping against the recommendation of experts have a more scientific reason than "other animals do it" or "it worked fine for me."
19
There's a time when co-sleeping has to stop. The moment when you realize it's for your own "healing" is it.
Kids have a right to bodily privacy, and a trusted adult in their space for his/her own purposes is infringing on that right in a way that can do very significant harm.
Lara, with all respect: cut it out.
22
Thank you for your beautiful essay and experiences. My 2-year-old daughter and I co-sleep. It started when she was four months old and went through a "sleep regression," and has continued. I love it. It feels right. She sleeps so well next to me. I tried to stop it several times out of fear I was doing something wrong, but it never stuck. We both sleep better that way.
I firmly believe it's cultural. My Native American stepfather put it very well when he explained how he and his siblings always slept in the same bed as their parents: "Can you imagine how lonely and afraid a baby must feel in a room by themselves?" I always think about that now. He considered it a form of child neglect to leave a baby to sleep in a room alone.
I'm so comforted reading these comments and knowing there are more of us out there. I'm going to keep doing what feels right.
42
How do you know the child feels lonely in their own room? I came from a very large family and would have loved to have my own room--or even my own bed. Also, said doctor asked you to imagine loneliness that none of remember. Please allow your children to grow up.
12
What a full, forthright, and tender account of such meaningful and rare interactions.
Thank you.
24
I totally empathize. My ex and I divorced when my son was 2 years old. At the time, he was still in his crib. When he graduated to his big boy bedroom, he'd migrate to my bed in the night. Then he wanted to fall asleep in my bed, with the understanding that I would put him in his own bed a couple of hours later.
There were nights that I was just too tired to move him and he would sleep in my bed the whole night. My mother was horrified and thought he'd be scarred for life. When he was 9, though, HE decided to sleep in his own bed one night. After that, he never transitioned back to my bed. While I was relieved - I took it as a sign that he was growing up and feeling more secure with our lives - it was still devastating for me. He was growing up. He's now 15 and though he's such a good kid, he's not crazy about the idea of spending lots of time with his mother now!
I realize there are lots of sides to this argument. Many think parent child bed sharing is unhealthy and in some situations, I can see where that may apply. For example, it would have been completely inappropriate for him to have shared my bed after he went through puberty. That said, we both needed that extra little security during a rough time in our lives - he as a child that had experienced a very sad event and me as his mother that wanted to comfort him (and herself).
22
At what age will that stop, and why? So many people are so judgmental; there really is no age-limit if the parents need their child in bed with them, probably.
Why should the child be kicked out because of the new relationship, just for the convenience of the adults? The child's need must still exist.
1
In other words, it's fine until it isn't?
1
All this judgemental talk is strange. Pediatricians have pathologized co-sleeping, and many of the comments reflect their point of view. However, viewed across the range of human experience, co-sleeping is perfectly normal, and far more common than the middle-class western standard of one-child-per-bed-per-room isolation that depends on abundant space, abundant resources, and central heating.
49
"Pediatricians have pathologized co-sleeping, and many of the comments reflect their point of view." - That may be the case with some commenters, but it's not with me. As I described in another comment, I slept with my mother till I was about 13, and I always knew something was not right about it, as I understood when I was fairly young that it was for her benefit, more than mine. This would have been many, many years before I had the slightest idea what pediatricians had to say about the matter. Now, you could argue that I was influenced by their views because I knew none of my friends slept with their parents. But children do know ... children learn to "read" their parents very, very early, and along with many other things that were wrong with my relationship with my mother, I was quite clear, independently, very early that our relationship was not healthy or normal. That is surely not the case for everyone co-sleeping - I think in many cases it's just fine. But I'm refuting the notion that any of us have qualms about it because of pediatricians' views.
3
Sleeping with your kids, no. Wrong on so many levels. My siblings and I never slept with our parents and rightly so. Thank you Mom and Dad.
14
Lighten up, Olivia.
72
I don’t ever remember sleeping in the same bed with my parents and I would have found it strange. However, on reflection, I see no problem with it as long as all are acting in the interest of the others, and all are maximizing their sleep. In the developed world we are lucky to have the option.
1
It's not my place to judge anyone. Parenting is hard. We all question our decisions from time to time. No one manages to do everything right.
Nighttime routine can be a big issue for many families. I want to share something that worked well for my family and made bedtime hassle-free. My husband and I felt co-sleeping was not an option. But my daughter hated her crib as a baby. The compromise that worked: we ditched the crib, put a full sized mattress on the floor of my daughter's bedroom (no pillows or blankets, bedroom fully childproof), and I would lie down next to her every evening until she fell asleep. She loved being next to mommy, wouldn't cry at bedtime and learned to soothe herself when she woke up in the middle of the night. When she wouldn't fall back asleep on her own, I would go lie down next to her, sometimes fall asleep by her side until morning. She quickly learned her mattress was her space, mommy and daddy had their space, but mommy would be there for her whenever she needed me (which decreased over time to zero). I never had to rock her to sleep, or do other crazy maneuvers. I didn't let her cry for hours alone in her room. I could cuddle her every night but still get a good night sleep. My husband and I had our room to ourselves. A win for everyone involved.
I know someone who put two mattresses side by side, kid on one, mom and dad on the other. Works great if space is an issue or you want your kid close to you.
9
Our Queen bed was too small to comfortably sleep three but I never wanted the kids to feel frightened or alone, so we kept two sleeping bags under our bed and they were welcome to sleep next to us on the carpeted floor. Sometimes, we'd hold hands until sleep came.
22
My daughter and I fell asleep reading every single night for years. I nursed her for four years. Her father came out of the closet and moved out when she was a baby and I was so tired running a home business and trying to be a good mom that we just fell asleep together every night. She eventually went to her own bed and that was that. She has grown to be one of the strongest, smartest, independent young women I know. It worked for us and I expect the author's children will be just fine.
41
Nursed her for four years? I’m glad she turned out great but that seems odd. I guess kindergarten finally cut her off?
1
With all due sympathy, empathy, and respect, I cannot support "co-sleeping". Having lived through multiple divorces with my parents and siblings (some violent) and having been raised in many "combined" family arrangements as I was growing up, I am not sure of much, but this I do believe: Our generations penchant for self-indulgent child rearing is not helpful to the children. Yes, it makes us feel better, to deliver multitude of snacks to the dugout; to attend at all cost every school performance; and to co-sleep with our children, but a selfless analysis of these behaviors indicates one simple truth: a wildly harmful selfishness.
At the very moment when it is our ABSOLUTE OBLIGATION AS PARENTS TO TEACH OUR CHILDREN STRENGTH, PERSEVERANCE, AND INDEPENDENCE, we instead show that that at even as an adult and at an advanced age we are unable to sleep alone.
If you take nothing else away from these comments, be assured your children's intellectual development is ahead of where you think it is.
When you invite them into your bed on a regular basis, be assured they are legitiametly concerned "what is wrong with mom (or dad)"...they regardless of their age, are not sleeping as soundly as you believe they are.
34
As Socrates said, lighten up.
3
Our 8-year-old boy sleeps with my wife and I , or with just one of us, semi-regularly.
It's the greatest joy of our lives.
40
He’s still sleeping in your bed at the age of 8? I hope you get him used to sleeping in his own bed by the age of 12, or before he starts puberty, which can start as early as 8!
You are so wise Socrates -both personally and politically.
Great answers.
2
Okay Socrates, now I am sure. You are a perfect man.
2
There is a major difference between the kids wanting it and the parents wanting it. There is so much cry about child labor in the developing world from the developed world, why celebrate it when a child is made to perform emotional labor for needy parents?
34
I sympathize and it is comforting to have someone next to you in bed. But after my husband died when our daughter was two, even though she had a hard time sleeping for quite a while, I made a conscious decision not to make sleeping in my bed a regular habit- for both our sake. However, it was and still is after 15 years, reserved for bad dreams, anxiety, weekend mornings, etc.
16
On average what time do co-sleeping children get to bed and wake up? My toddlers are in bed before 7 and sleep until 6:30am; I don’t need anywhere near this amount of sleep. My most productive time is 7-10pm and I get 7-8hrs of undisturbed sleep - I can’t imagine it working any other way. I have always wondered if co-sleeping doesn’t lead to sleep deprivation on all counts - which affects children the most significantly.
18
As a single parent, I was very concerned about co-sleeping. It was not something we did. I would read with my son at bedtime and lay next to him. But I avoided having him spend the night in bed with me.
Each family should do what's best for them.
10
I've always wondered about the great planning that goes into a room being transformed into a nursery with cute wall paper, the cute stuffed animals lined up for display, all the safety paraphernalia, baby monitors and diaper change discreet tables. And most important, the tastefully decorated 'crib'. And then we leave the tiny baby in that huge nursery - alone in the dark! And it is ironic that the parents cannot themselves retire without the spouse in your own bed! Then we moan and whine about the baby monitor waking you up and the fact that you have to walk to the nursery to rock and feed the baby! Co-sleeping could be the simple solution for the baby to feel safe and warm, unafraid of the dark. For those skeptics, yes, babies are afraid of the dark, afraid of feeling abandoned. And no, I did sleep well without pesky baby alarms going off and my babies crying every few hours for whatever their need. And this goes for kids 4-5 yrs. old. I co-slept with my kids until they were 4-5 yrs. old. Without any prodding or pushing they moved into their own room when they are ready. I talk about myself only, of course. But the greatest upside is I saved a ton of money and have two beautiful children unafraid of the dark in deep slumber, every night. What's not to like about co-sleeping.
47
I am trying to figure out why this essay is on the Opinion page of the New York Times when clearly it belongs on a parenting blog, the appropriate place for the pro and anti cosleeping camps to engage in their ritual battle and for people to announce their children’s personal business for all the world to see and comment on.
2
For Japanese families , co-sleeping is the norm. I remember a Japanese guy I met expressing surprise that when he went to the States to study, his host parents slept together -- for him, the norm was for mom to sleep in one room with the kids, and dad to sleep alone.
In my case, my wife and I slept together and our daughters joined us. Not very romantic, but they liked it, I gather. Once when my oldest was 3, we had some friends over who had a daughter her age. We thought she might like to sleep with her little friend in the next room. But even though she was just a few feet away, she cried and cried -- she wanted to be with Mommy & Daddy.
So what's the big deal? Why is it so crucial that they be kicked out of the nest as soon as possible? OK, maybe it's easier for parents to sleep by themselves, but frankly, I thought there was never anything more peaceful than a sleeping child. They just radiate waves of peacefulness. We found it much easier to sleep with them than by ourselves.
32
My son slept in our bed until he was 8, which is around the age most Japanese kids sleep with their parents. He's 15 now and he's fine. People warned us he'd be needy or weird or unable to fall asleep on his own. None of that happened. I loved having him next to me when he was little. I think it was good for all of us.
28
I'm not a parent, but I don't see why kids can't sleep with a single parent as long as the parent and kids want to. Many cultures co-sleep, and in the middle ages, it was normal for many family members to share a bed.
There will come a natural time for separation--when then kids want their own space, or when the parent starts a new relationship.
Eventually, the single parent and child will get used to sleeping alone. I've been single many years, and there's nothing I love more than sleeping alone, undisturbed, in my king-sized bed.
11
I cheer the author's candor. I'm not nearly as comfortable with her using the kids for comfort.
It's not being judgmental to observe that it sets up some confusion for the kids. If the sleeping arrrangements are for Mom's comfort, don't the kids get the message that it's their responsibility to comfort Mom rather than the other way around? Is that healthy? There is the small worry of this emotional incest thing.
And what happens if/when someone comes into Mom's life? Do the kids stay then, too? If not, they are going to feel disposable. If so, the new relationship will surely suffer.
16
I wonder if divorce didn't help the author recognize the impermanence things. They're only little for so long. Why not enjoy the physical closeness while we can?
I still get excited, and open up my covers, when I hear my 7 year old's footsteps as she comes down the hall (less and less frequently these days) to join me and her dad in our bed. I already know I'll miss it in the future.
23
My children didn't co-sleep with me, I am a light sleeper and it would have exhausted me beyond functioning. But I find this story very touching.
If it doesn't bother this mom, or her kids, if they get emotional comfort from sleeping in close proximity, why is it so wrong? Eventually the kids will stop doing this, they eventually pull away for more independence, it is part of growing up. It might be hard for Ms. Bazelon when that day comes, but until it does, let them all co-sleep like puppies, and more power to them.
21
I tried to sleep separately and train my son to sleep on his own at birth. It didn't work. I didn't think it was possible for an infant to stay awake so long, but he held the record for it. Only sleeping when he was being held. Four years later my son still sleeps in my bed. It's his nightly ritual to be with dad till late and then curl up with me. He actually prefers to wake up when I do in the morning and give me hugs and kisses and wave me goodbye when I leave for work in the morning. Typically he will then lay back down with my husband, his father, and go back to sleep till he wakes up. When I take my son out places it's very evident that he is much more mature and independent than most kids his age. He's emotionally mature for his age and can comfortably talk about his problems and feelings. He spends the night with family members just fine. Co sleeping shouldn't be a curse word. I think it's natural. It will eventually come to an end. Until then I'm going to enjoy our extra time together.
22
This is totally fine. It ends by itself after a time. People shouldn’t overreact about this. Other cultures do this and actually find it strange that here there is pressure to not “co-sleep.” Whatever instinct spurs a mother to do this, she should listen to it rather than ignore it. Children let you know what they need.
27
A lot of these comments are coming from women - divorced, abandoned women. Perhaps by having their children sleep with them is a way of avoiding intimacy with their partner? If having children in a parent’s bed every night is so great, why do so many experts recommend against this?
22
Regardless of the reasoning, the US is considered by most of the works as almost child abusing with regards to forcing young babies/children to sleep alone. Like past commenters have stated, this is a normal mammalian practice.
...not to mention next level joy. It’s called feeling the love in life.
On a side note, I would encourage the writer to consider the concept that as she may be “using” the kids for comfort, she will have to work through this trauma of the divorce. Please do not keep leaning on the kids to handle your adult problems. That’s not fair.
24
Manon Debaye -- That is a gorgeous picture. Well done!
5
While not actually separated or divorced until they reached high school, my children’s father and I lived very separate, emotionally distant lives from the time they were infants. (His choice.) I was a married-single parent. Co-sleeping was pretty common until they reached about age nine and then stopped without drama. We also took long walks holding hands. I loved that. Now young adults, my children are kind, compassionate, responsible, emotionally healthy people. All, including my sons, have never hesitated to hug me or say ‘I love you’ in public - even during the middle-school years, when public displays of parental affection are pretty taboo. Co-sleeping was one way we survived a less-than-ideal household together. People who don’t get it, just don’t get it. But it’s not anyone else’s business. Thank you for a lovely essay.
30
In response to Not optimistic:
Just as the overwhelming majority of cosleeping parents would never dream of transgressing sexual boundaries in bed with their children, there is, unfortunately, no law of nature that makes it impossible for an abuser to violate children outside of the bedroom at any hour of the day or night. While I deeply sympathize with any victim of incest who has been abused behind closed bedroom doors, it is a logical fallacy to suggest that sleeping with a child automatically increases the risk of abuse.
Parents, along with all other adults, are always responsible for keeping their sexual impulses in check around children. This is equally true whether they are teaching children, coaching children or counseling them, as well as when they are bathing children, dressing children or sleeping with them.
To conflate cosleeping with abuse is a manifestation of our own cultural biases, rather than a reflection of objective reality.
12
People who say "in other cultures sleeping with your kids is normal" are romanticizing poverty. I hear this kind of thing almost exclusively from privileged white women. People in other countries sleep in a family bed because they have no space and little money. It's not some profound ideological choice based on their superior spiritual state.
Sleeping in separate beds is not an "American construct." Most of Europe does the same thing. I spent half my life in Germany, Sweden, France and England and they're more likely to think that co-sleeping is yet another weird American trend.
And if you look at many of these romanticized developing-world countries, I'm not sure why you think the results are superior. It's not like all those cultures turn out generations of enlightened, stable, respectful and wonderful men with sensitivity to women's rights, for example. Most have abysmal views on women. Co-sleeping apparently doesn't create the splendid results you imagine.
In most societies, as soon as there is money for things like more bedrooms and space and furniture, adults do not sleep with their children. Of course there are exceptions, but generally this is how it is. I'm half-Afghan and come from a good socioeconomic background, and I can assure you no-one in my family co-slept with their kids.
If co-sleeping makes your whole family happy and causes no harm, then why not. But it makes little sense to justify it on the basis of anything other than your personal feelings.
58
My 9 year old has GDD and we've been working to get her emotional level up to par with her peers. She will usually sleep with me about once a month usually when she's in a very loving mood or when she's had a rough couple of days and needs comfort. My 6 year old son usually walks in the middle of the night to sleep with me when my husband comes home late and he feels I need 'protection'. They both have their own rooms and beds and for me it's not a big deal as they're seeking comfort from their mom.
7
Co-sleeping is beautiful and provides for the emotional needs of both children and parents-to feel loved and secure. Cherish these times!
19
Am I the only one who disapproves? Adults’ job is to teach independence, not the opposite.
18
Why? What is so wonderful about independence? Why not let people decide how they want to live, independently or interdependently?
2
Cosleeping is standard practice in the developing world where there are not that many rooms or space. The whole family sleeps on mattresses on the floor side by side. I think it is quite healthy.
5
Thank you for the brutal, brave and beautiful honesty of this piece. I have experienced the very same thing. I feel absolutely zero guilt about it, though. There’s lots of love and lots of sleeping. My older son has naturally migrated to independent nights in his own bed. I’m cherishing the limited time I’ll have to snuggle with the younger one. Time passes quickly and the window is small.
21
This is all going to work out just fine. My daughter’s father and I divorced when she was 2. She and I co-slept together in various permutations until she was 5. Usually, I would fall asleep in her little bed while reading bedtime stories to her, then get up and move to my big bed where I got an hour or so of alone-time before she “migrated” in. When I was tired, I told myself, “This too shall pass.” I thought I would be the one to kick her out, but in fact, she arrived at that developmental milestone in her own way and on her own time. When her kindergarten teacher announced the entire class would be spending a week away at camp (children sleeping in cabins with their teachers and parents banished to a nearby tent city), she made a sticker chart for herself and posted it over her bed. She gave herself a fancy sticker for each night she stayed in her own bed, and within a few weeks she was sleeping 100% independently. She’s now a strong, independent, intelligent and wise-beyond-her-years teenager. We have a great relationship: we communicate, we are close, and we give each other space. She has wonderful relationships with her friends. I have no regrets, and I’m really proud of her.
18
Good Mom!
1
My son still reached for my hand when we were walking until he was 11 or 12. I cherished it for as long as it went on.
21
We never had trouble putting the kids to bed. My husband went with them, read to them until they and he fell asleep. He'd get up later and have some time to himself until we went to our room to sleep. Never a problem.
2
I cuddled with my son just as long as I could, that is, until he moved back to his own bed. Last night, according to our usual ritual-he spends Friday nights and most of Saturdays with me-I climbed in bed with my three-year-old grandson, read him a couple of stories, then nodded off a bit in the silence while he went to sleep.
A few minutes ago, I got up from my big bed, where I left him taking his nap with my cat.
If there is a problem with all this, please don't tell me :-)
Ms. Bazelon, love them extravagantly just the way you're doing it. Brava!
22
To the commenters who are outraged at a mother acting on her own emotional needs: 1) Parents have emotions and emotional needs, and that’s okay. We have feelings about our children. This is part of attachment. Attachment is good and helps us fulfill our part of the family social contract, caring for our children and putting their needs before our own. I don’t think any of us would want to be raised by un-attached parents (although many have been). 2) Parent-child relationships are symbiotic, deeply intertwined and intuitively responsive. Most of our intuitive actions are responsive to and protective of our children’s needs, even if we aren’t consciously aware of that. This author was likely responding to her children’s needs as much as her own.
26
I am not "outraged" by the practice at all, but I think it's also wise to consider whether something we're doing in parenting is for our own needs or the child's. Yes, they are intertwined, but a little self-reflection is still a good thing. I am a bit concerned at the people who think that because they co-sleep, they will always have a close relationship with their child, they're meeting all their child's emotional needs, their child will never have any problems, etc. Look at how many people insist their child is "fine" because they're nice kids, they get good grades, etc. We are not hearing the child's perspective, or what the child will think at, say, 30 or 40. Again, I'm not saying co-sleeping is wrong per se (we did it for a few years, too). But it's not some kind of magic elixir for all of a family's problems. It does not cure trauma from divorce. My mother would have told you I was "fine," and I was assuredly not fine. In fact some of her later betrayals made me all the more bitter about co-sleeping. I don't mean to dismiss the people who say it is a lovely, close experience; I felt the same way with my own child. I am just concerned by the people who think it automatically means their children are "fine." Co-sleeping does not mean your child never be depressed, will never do drugs, will always be well adjusted, will finish college with good grades, or you will always have a close relationship with your child. Ask me how I know.
18
No needs to criticize co-sleeping, but there is no evidence to recommend it either.....I have little doubt all these posters kids are sensitive caring adults, I question though how resilient and independent they are. You'd have to do a controlled experiment with divorced kids the same age , and no parent would consent to be randomized-this mother obviously needed to sleep with her kids, but she can't conclude her kids needed to sleep with her.
(It was a bit surprising she did no comment on how HER parents approached this issue ....that would seem to rather pertinent)
5
Hogwash! I co-slept my own childhood with my divorced mother and was the most independent and self sufficient of all my siblings. I married, left home and had my own family starting at 22 and never returned or needed a handout.
My siblings lived at home into adulthood 30’s and very emotionally and financially dependent ....They each had their own room btw.
My kids are incredibly independent and they both co slept at various times with us. The eldest was more needy in his sleeping habits the youngest more independent. Different but both grew to be independent responsible adults.
I’m still married btw and both my siblings are divorced. Food for thought?
I believe that if you meet the need for security in a child when they are young, they will carry that into adulthood and become secure. It’s often the lack of security and attachment in young children that create insecure adults and emotional problems.
3
I can certainly sympathize with this mother's situation. It is very similar to my own mother's. I also understand the comments about how co-sleeping is 'normal' in some situations and societies. However, children can sense when they are being depended on for the emotional well being of a parent. Even if at some level it is also comforting for the child, this is an unhealthy position to put them in and can have long term consequences in terms of relationships and intimacy. This can be especially true for a mother and Male child.
When parents are in a strong emotional place and being close to their children is clearly expressing parental steadiness, love and support, co-sleeping may avoid negative consequences. Doing so in a period of deep emotional need to fill a void can burden children with long lasting emotional issues of their own.
16
Lara, co-sleeping is natural, beautiful and healing; kudos to you for listening to your heart, rather than succumbing to wrong-headed pressures to the contrary. What a gift for all of you, especially during your most vulnerable time.
21
I’m struck by the dissonance between an article about a Mother’s feelings about co-sleeping alongside her children and those about our country taking even the youngest of children from their mothers at our borders. The comfort this mother takes in her children’s closeness is understood whether or not we agree with her style of parenting. I refuse to believe that American women with children or grandchildren are hardened against immigrant mothers who have their children taken away. My heart was recently broken hearing about very young children who do not recognize their mothers when reunited and again this morning by reading about children in “detention”. I cannot help but believe that all American women would be universally heart broken if they really thought about it and empathized with these immigrant mothers and imagined their own loved ones summarily taken away from them. Every mother should think about these mothers and children this fall on Election Day as we leave our children at school and daycare. As we pick up toys, snuggle a grandchild in our arms, or text a child whose has left home to head out into the world, we must reflect on the pain these mothers and children suffered being separated at our borders. We are half the population. We’ve seen the power of the MeToo movement. Let’s all get out to vote this fall.
50
This is gross. And dangerous. Parents teaching children that it’s ok for adults to put their own need for intimacy from an adult into sleeping with a child. Call it co sleeping or whatever but this is grooming for abuse.
16
No, no, it is not. You're misinformed. It is a very common practice around the world and almost always has nothing to do with sex.
3
Separate bedrooms is a social construct & was/is a sign of wealth. Across time and around the world, most human families sleep together.
32
Our daughter just turned 12 and still co-sleeps with us. There are periods when she sleeps in her room but she does not want to sleep alone. Typically if she goes to sleep alone we'd get dive bombed at 4 am.
Now we're all in the family bed with the new puppy. It's a bit crazy and I don't sleep great, but we know it's not going to last forever. I can't imagine what it's going to be like when she goes to college.
12
Give it time. Let them sleep next to you as long as they need to. THey will get over it. So will you. They'll get over it before you do. Then you will. They won't be sleeping next to you the night before their senior proms or their weddings, be assured.
26
Agree that "They won't be sleeping next to you the night before their senior proms or their weddings" literally, but perhaps metaphorically. Look around at the epidemic of helpless, dependent children and young adults.
8
Exactly what I was about to write!
It's not a big deal.
Others make it a big deal.
It will pass.
Let your anxiety go.
7
Maybe the helpless, dependent children and young adults are the ones who were forced to sleep alone in the dark, scared.
1
Good for you. Children are precious.
21
On the day a parent begins to snore, the child will begin to sleep in his own room. Don’t worry - it all works out.
19
Whatever works for your family. The “experts” are usually wrong....
22
For all the commenters asserting that co-sleeping will create problems for children's development, I suggest you look into the research by John Bowlby, discussed in the book Love Sense by Dr. Sue Johnson.
7
Get a dog. The fluffier the better.
8
It's sad that there is so much guilt over co-sleeping. It's done all over the world and children let you know when they are ready to leave your bed. What's strange to me is letting an infant or toddler sleep alone in another room. We are pack animals and if packing together in a bed happens, enjoy it without guilt!!
35
I know I repeatedly would try and sleep between my parents and often ended up on the floor. We lived in a large ish multi bedroom in Manhattan and waking alone, as the heat made banging noises made me want to be near people-i'd have slept with my brother but he hated me. My sister, later, as a little one-would ask to sleep in my bed and I let her because kids in the 1950's didn't all have the dumb hangups that kids in the 1970's and later have , mostly as a result of their damnable parents' paranoia.
Once- we all-people- slept pretty much together, when humans didn't have so much space and the various models of 19th and 20th century housebuilding didn't dictate who spent what time where. Best people learn to get along awake and in sleep, when young-that way there is less fretting of couples who will try to spend time together in bed. . . If we let our animals-our cats and dogs sleep with us-surely we can allow the kids-be they sisters, sons and brothers -to share a set of covers and pillows on cold and lonely nights.
Girls I later knew were thankful for a compatible bedmate who knew how to share a bed, and get a glss of water for them. . .
5
Sleep with your kids while you can!!
31
This fall we celebrate our 30th anniversary. Looking back on parenting our daughter, a centered, strong, joyful young adult in a healthy committed relationship, surrounded by deep friendships with people all ages, we regret nothing. Our home was filled with laughter, and messy with crafts. If she cried, we responded, from infancy on. We respected her feelings as real, and that pain over a toy or not getting her way was no different than adult pain about similarily stupid things. She still didn't get the toy, but she was hugged. And she slept on my side of the bed for many years. It just felt right.
Childhood is so brief, and so fraught. Why spend so much of it pushing a child away? And if you CAN raise a strong, independent, wise, compassionate and successful adult through a deeply bonded and physically close parenting style in which a child is fully respected as a human being with the same rights as you..why not do that? Every time someone tells me how amazed they are at my daughter's "beyond her years" wisdom and kindness and competency, I'm glad we didn't give in to everyone who told us we were doing it all wrong.
20
This is an excellent example of a symbiotic parent: a parent that insists that their children serve the parent's needs. As a clinical psychologist I can tell you that this is always detrimental to the child, and there'll be a price to pay later. Parenting is a "one-way street," i.e. the parents serve the needs of the child. But there are parents that, while serving the needs of the child, also demand that the child also serve the parent's need, in a symbiotic relationship. This is always at the child's expense.
19
Nothing I read in the article caused me to think the author was forcing or demanding her children fulfill a need of hers at their expense. (I also think you misunderstand the meaning of the word symbiosis.) I suspect that, given your experience as a psychologist, you read something into this article, and this caused a 'knee-jerk' reaction. In any event, I encourage you to reread the article tomorrow; you may feel differently.
1
The author, Lara Bazelon, wrote this article in a defensive mode from the get-go. She tried to justify why co-sleeping with her kids was okay in the face of her divorce. Why did she write the article? To assuage what she thinks other people might think? They wouldn't even know about it except for reading the article. What gives?
8
is this the crybaby forum? parents divorced. got divorced myself. never went through all this hand-wringing this author brings to the table here. look around and get real.
10
https://www.naturalchild.org/james_mckenna/cosleeping_world.html
1
Most of the comments here use the "appeal to nature" fallacy to argue that this is a good thing. First, you can't claim this is "natural" because some societies and some mammals do this because there are mammals and societies that don't do this. Secondly, even if it is "natural" doesn't mean that it's good. You could say that murder is natural but that doesn't mean that it's good either.
Next, the author admits that she is exploiting her children as an emotional crutch. She seems less concerned about their wellbeing then her own. She's using her position of power as an adult and their mother to use them for her own needs. You're supposed to be the adult. Suck it up, grow up and learn to stand on your own two feet.
A parent's primary job is to teach their child the skills and knowledge necessary to survive in the world. But, the author is turning her children into needy dependent people who will always need Mommy to solve their problems. This is good for her because she won't have to worry about being abandoned again like her ex abandoned her and will always feel useful and needed. But, it's terrible and abusive to her children.
27
The dog and cat sleep with me until I turn out the light..Then they get in their own beds. They know the rules. Both of them snore and they know I need my sleep.
10
My family has no trauma, no divorce, no single parenting. We both live and work locally, no cross country or international commute.
We both immigrated here to the US, and had kids here. There was a constant barrage of negative comments from pediatricians, nurses, and our friends in the community to start training our babies very early on to sleep independently and away from us. We ignored all of them.
They coslept as long as they wanted, and when they were ready, started sleeping in their own beds. They are growing up to be young healthy teenagers, well adjusted, do great at academically, sports and socially. We have no guilt, we look back and have good memories.
It takes effort to do this in the western culture, not so much in the rest of the world (and yes, we have travelled extensively across the world and have friends from all over to be able to say this). Ignore the experts. Love is emotion, not technique. So do what's right for you and your family, because no one will get it right like you will.
21
Let the children guide you. They will seek independence soon enough. Just like they seek privacy when going to the bathroom, or go through that "I want to do it MYSELF!" phase. If they come to you for comfort it is because they need it.
5
This. All the feels.
My wife has been sleeping with our daughters since they were babies. They are now 10 and 7 years old. I joke that by the time I get her back into bed with me, she'll be a grandmother!
2
Hmmm... you could get a cat.
4
Thank God I don't have kids
10
Let someone imagine this changing the genders.
A divorced father sleeping in the same bed as his young daughters. Clothed? Unclothed?
We all know men get erections in the morning.
When did her children’s stop breastfeeding? There was never anything of hands anywhere in the middle of the night?
If you can’t admit to the fact Lara that you’re physical longing, need for physical contact, did not somewhere have something even more intimate the. You should talking to a therapist immediately.
And yes, on some level, you knew this was wrong. You didn’t want to discuss it with the pediatrician.
Your husband had enough decency to put his young daughter in her bed.
And you crossed lines.
Disgusting.
8
Same.
2
Agreed, thank you
There is nothing to say. You know this is dysfunctional. You know that you ought to think of the kids. There is nothing to say that you don't know. Perhaps writing this out has helped you find the strength to do the right thing, perhaps not. I hope it has not normalized this bad behavior for others.
3
Only in the Western world is there any question about whether you should sleep with your kids. Of course you should. You are a mammal. All mammals sleep with there kids, especially the mother. It is a protective, selected for trait. Mothers protect their offspring. In the wild, if there is a threat, the mother has to be right there to protect her offspring. You have good instincts. It's males who don't sleep with their offspring. I think any guilt you might have comes from a pernicious paternalistic demand that women always be available for sex. Which is why male homo sapiens insist on sleeping with their wives or girlfriends even if they have children. I know this might not be a popular opinion, but I think it is true all the same. Don't listen to the experts, follow you instincts.
8
I am curious, when do these adults have sex?
13
Sorry, but....exacty how is this an opinion piece? Is this not a personal essay? With the credentials on the subject being that she is a mother of two children, and the essay entirely focused on her and her particular situation, this belongs in Real Simple or Redbook, both of which are fine magazines. But I don't get what this is doing in the opinion section of the Times.
16
Wife and I four-sleep with our dogs. That's probably some psycho-abnormality but it feels good.
7
Why is this a problem ??? Good for you, and for the kids. Now, try sleeping with two 100 pound Dalmatians. The male migrates back and forth from the Husbands bed, and mine. The female must be touching me, at all times. I keep them very clean. They are super affectionate clowns.
YOU are doing just fine. Seriously.
3
Americans are so hung up about sleeping with their kids.. In Japan, they roll out the futons each night and everyone sleeps in the living room..
5
The difference is that in Japan everyone has his own futon, including the baby. Sleeping in proximity is not the same as sharing a bed with your child.
8
Sleeping on separate futons is not the same as sharing a bed.
It's potentially a suffocation hazard for the kids, but, you know, trade-offs.
9
Enjoy your time sleeping with your babies. It will end when they are ready and no one will be the worse for it.
7
"co-sleep" "migrator"
All these pseudo terms. You know what we call it in our 4000-year-old-Asian-culture households? "Sleep".
Yes, that's how billions of people, thousands of cultures, over millennia, sleep.
That is, of course, before the invention of 2 bedroom apartments and bunkbeds, as God and evolution intended.
13
So never mind what's best for your kids and their developmental needs—it's all about you, and using your children to cope with your loneliness.
14
My parents had me sleep in their room until I was quite old because I had asthma and my mom's anxiety wouldn't allow her to sleep in a different room. Not so coincidentally, I was incredibly stunted socially and emotionally and struggled with basic interactions. I don't think this is the sole cause but it definitely was a major factor.
16
I went back to work as an anesthesiologist in a busy hospital soon after our daughter's birth. I had early morning case starts, long days, and frequent night call, and was also getting up several times a night to breastfeed her in the next room. My Indian colleague expressed astonishment that I didn't just put her in bed between me and my husband, so I did. We all slept better. Night feedings were simple; no staggering from room to room, no resentment. We all flourished. Of course I got flak from friends who proudly told their Ferberizing war stories--nights listening to their children cry for hours. The co-sleeping lasted for years, and they were happy years; our daughter never had nightmares or sleep difficulties of any kind, and we used to love listening to her laugh in her sleep. When the time came, moving into her own bed was easy and natural, because she was ready for it. Today she is an independent, well adjusted young woman.
I paraphrase words of wisdom from another working Mom (who grew up in another country without our strange preoccupation with sleeping alone), "We are gone all day and we work long hours. How else will the child feel the love of the mother?"
17
You co-slept with an infant? There is a real, factual reason doctors advise against having an infant in your bed. They can — and do, too often — sufficate. Not worth the risk, by any measure. It’s not about a “strange preoccupation with sleeping alone.” (Not sure where you got that.) It is not about winning some imagined competition, or scoring points off of parents who train their children to sleep in their own beds. And it is definitely not a contest between “working Mom” and any stay-home parent. It’s about what is best for the child. And when it comes to infants, safety should be paramount.
4
I have two kids, one teen and an almost teen. I wish I could visit myself 15 years ago and give myself some advice about kids. Namely, most of what “experts” say is crap (usually designed to sell books.)
One thing I would do is let my baby fall asleep on me and my husband all the time. It was something I curbed after reading that it would keep them from sleeping in their own beds. There is nothing quite as wonderful as a baby asleep on you, and I regret I followed that advice.
When my kids were younger, my kids would have “sleepovers” in my room, when their dad was on business trips: one kid in the bed and another on a mattress on the floor. They loved the idea of sleeping in Mom and Dad’s room.
My younger child will still sleep with me when her dad is away but my elder will not; she would rather be alone. Soon my younger will feel the same.
Don’t sweat the small stuff with your kids; as long as their sleeping with you is not adversely affecting your marriage (which in the author’s case it wasn’t), just enjoy the fact they want to be with you. You will miss those moments.
7
I, childless then, gave advice to old girlfriends. But one was still convinced that sheepsin on a wall was more impressive than having expeienced numerous other's infants-and sister-brothers helping to change, feed and to give aid on the spot.The doctor's fame , consisted in insistingher kids sharing a room sleep in closed cribs. Soon, regardless, it was discovered the older one would literally "drag her bed on it's wheels, across the room(from in her crib) like she was plying a lake or river-to reach her brother's crib. She Parked them together, climb over the high fence of rails-to sleep with & next to her baby brother -both in diapers, yet! It was an epic voyage! As Odysseus or Jason & the Argonauts, while carrying ARGO around the snows of the North to return via Ocean's river to the middle sea!
What i'd have done to record the events and hear the two talking in baby language to each other at 4 AM or so. It was the greatest adventure in her 2 1/2 year old's life, and I have only the parents sense of shock and disapproval to remember it by. . .
Am I alone thinking what a wondrous miracle this was? What an accomplishment! She did it sans parents-holding her fort till morn.
1
I know that sleeping arrangements vary. I don’t have any intrinsic disagreement with the idea of cosleeping. What I think is dangerous is causing your children to believe that their behavior is in anyway essential to your personal health or well-being.
They are not responsible for you. You are responsible for them. Changing this priority seems to me to be a distortion that could cause long-term emotional problems.
9
I do not have kids and I'm sure there is chatter in the parenting circles about when and where and how blah blah blah on kids sleeping the right and proper and best way. But what is wrong with people sleeping together? This separate bedroom idea is the result of wealth not because group sleeping is wrong or harmful. Group sleeping was the norm and still is in some societies. Teepees and igloos and frontier cabins and old victorian's with big tired families all had group sleeping.
So since there was (and still are) times where group sleeping was the norm why is it such a bad thing to do it in 2018 esp in times of desperation and uncertainty? When we need comfort and reassurance and don't want our space why should eye brows be raised and talks of "united fronts" to undo the "bad habit."
I sleep with my dogs. I'm sure I'm not alone in my doing that and I'm sure there are plenty of people who think I'm ridiculous for letting it happen. But humans have slept with their animals since time began. Ditto their children.
There's no harm in it. Kids will stop doing it when they want to. And when Mom or Dad get a new partner they too will stop the practice.
We all need two things - people we love to be near us and a good night's sleep.
8
I implore everyone commenting here to now try to reconcile what it means to be a parent who understands the power of cosleeping - or any arrangement that makes a child feel safe and loved - in a society that is ripping thousands of children from their parents. Those kids have Mylar blankets, fluorescent lights 24 hours a day, and ungodly treatment in detention. Their parents didn’t want to give up cosleeping or intimacy either.
Impeach Donald Trump and Mike Pence.
16
At least the author admits her self-serving motivation. But there comes a point when it’s bad for the kids. I know a woman who has had her son in her bed for the nearly ten years since her bitter divorce. Yes, you read that right. The boy is 10. It’s twisted. It’s too needy, on her part. And it is very confusing for the boy.
12
Thirteen? In full-on puberty? That is so wrong. His future relationships will be affected.
7
The author of this essay shows a profound lack of understanding for the healthy boundaries that need to be nurtured and developed and every child.
A child relies upon a parent to make good decisions on their behalf in their best interests, and not the other way around. Serving your own needs at the expense your child is selfish. Justifying it through the emotional guise of 'intimacy' and 'bonding' is even worse. Calling back to the practices of 200 or more years ago, as some commentators have done, is bunk. Our children died from small pox, our mothers from child birth, and we held slave auctions in the public square. In the time since, an argument could be made that we have learned what is right and what is wrong. We have, in a word -- progressed.
If the author is so enamored of co-sleeping and its many splendored benefits, perhaps she will have no issue when her 'migrator' son or daughter next reports after visiting with their father that they are sharing a bed with his new 'special friend'. And what would be the impact to your children if you decided to engage once again in an intimate relationship? Tossing them from your bed, or bedroom, summarily -- what then? Healthy? Selfish? Any guilt? Or is that just 'natural' too?
These boundaries exist for a reason. They exist to protect children. Enforce them, so that you and they both have a chance at normalcy.
14
It may be good if you have an amicable split, but if not it's some pretty heavy ammunition to be used against one.
If you are a man you are insane to do so in today's climate.
2
On a tangential but important matter: EXTREME care should be taken when co-sleeping with an infant, particularly a younger or smaller child. Occasionally an exhausted - or intoxicated, sometimes - parent will roll over on and fatally smother a small child in bed with her or him. I'm a forensic pathologist, and would agree that overlying fatalaties are rare, but must also note that it is not "rare" when it happens to you. Please be careful with small infants; I'd be really happy if I never had to have that conversation with a grieving family again.
11
My daughter is now 25 and we still sometimes sleep together when she comes to visit. She started out as part of our family bed all those years ago. We never once believed we would roll over and smother her. Then when we got her into her own bedroom because we moved, we put in a double bed. This was her bed, we told her. But because she was still nursing, I would go in it with her, and often fall asleep too. Thus I became the migrator, starting off the night in her room, then moving back to my bed in the middle of the night. Finally she was old enough to want her own bed around middle school. Then I started snoring. It bothered my husband but my daughter could sleep right through it, so I started in my bed, and ended often in hers with hers through high school.
My daughter is an engaging, happy, creative young woman doing fine as she pursues her dreams. And I cherish the connection we have, from the moment she started in my womb until now. The family bed is great just for closeness wherever you are.
3
When my grandchildren are visiting, I cherish the moment when they choose to sleep with me. Sometimes, I offer an alternative, but the answer is always the same "Grandma, I'll sleep with you."
5
Thank you, Lara, for sharing your story. My daughter also went through divorce when her daughter's were very young. Originally, I disapproved of her co-sleeping with her girls, I'm programmed to believe co-sleeping is wrong. But, now after several years I do not see any harm and instead see that my granddaughters are close to their mom and all is well.
We do more harm, by ignoring or denying our children's needs.
7
I’m not sure why the default position on co-sleeping is to frown on it. I think that negative view is uniquely American. We don’t co-sleep with our son to mend trauma; we just all like it. He’ll move back to his bed when he’s ready, and we’ll miss him.
9
This brings back so many bittersweet memories of the time immediately after my separation and then divorce when I would lie with my then two year-old daughter and sing her to sleep. I was always exhausted caring for her and her then eleven year-old half brother, my stepson, but, if only I could, I'd conjure up those times again in an instance. My life then had a purpose like it never had before or since.
7
My daughter slept with me till age 12, when her legs started to lengthen. She moved out at age 19 and never returned to live with me.
Yes being single afforded us that luxury. In some ways this is such a non issue . The bonding that occurred till her 12th year cemented so many emotions of trust, love and predictability in our relationship. No regrets.
9
I think cosleepingn is much more common than usually reported, as people are afraid to admit it. Thanks for this article.
13
My older son had disturbed sleep patterns that lasted well into age 10. The battles we fought over him sleeping in his own bed were emotionally scarring for both of us but, in hindsight, I wish we had not felt this nebulous social pressure to force him to conform by sleeping in his own bed. He was bullied and was on the Autism Spectrum but it took a long time for us to get a formal diagnosis. How was making him sleep in his own bed good parenting when he so obviously needed not to be alone?
When my second child came along and, occasionally, had the same issues, guess what? Dad was told to move over and the child was welcomed in. I stuck to my guns that he would do what he needed to and, once he was ready, he seamlessly transitioned to his own bed.
How many cultures force their kids to sleep in separate room? In a bed alone? Just because ours does so it does not not mean it works for every child. Kudos to this mom for being open about her own and her children's needs. For those who feel so free to judge, you know NOTHING about what the child was feeling, why he was having difficulty sleeping alone, what trauma he may have been experiencing. The author has, rightly, not chosen to share that with you. Why this huge urge to judge her ability to parent?
21
Attitudes around co-sleeping are indeed social constructs. I think some people here in the comment thread are judging the author of this article too harshly. If her kids turn out to be productive, independent, mentally healthy and well-adjusted adults, who cares if they co-slept for a longer period of time than some in our society deem "normal."
I have an acquaintance whose teenaged sons would at times crawl in to her king-sized bed while her doctor husband worked the night shifts in the ER. One of those sons I had in class as a student of mine. He was a kind, hard-working and respectful kid. His older brother was a near carbon copy and won accolades for his academics, school citizenship and athletic accomplishments.
Moreover, these boys were both successful high school hockey players that went on to college and semi-pro careers.
One couldn't ask for more in how they have evolved into their adult lives.
So take a deep breath, y'all and relax. The kids will be fine.
25
I still co-sleep with my 4 year old daughter. The interesting thing is that she is an *excellent* sleeper and has no problems sleeping in her own room for naps or whenever I ask her to, such as if I need to stay up late to work. My hypothesis is that co-sleeping helped her develop very safe and secure feelings about sleep since going to bed was never made to feel like a battle between us. So, while she prefers to co-sleep, she can also sleep fine on her own as well because going to bed has been established as a very positive & safe experience for her each night versus an aversive battle leading to isolation. Mornings also go remarkable well as it’s not like I’m barging into her room to disrupt her peaceful slumber. With co-sleeping, she senses and hears me when I get up to start getting ready for work. When I get out of the shower, I stroke her hair and say “it’s time to slowly start getting up love”. I usually get one of 3 responses that always gets me: “okay, mom” in her sweetest innocent kid voice; “can you lay with me just for a little bit? Just a little?”; or the sweetest “good morning mommy”. Why our culture promotes forcing young babies to sleep alone is beyond me. For the record, my brother and I co-slept with our Korean grandmother until we were probably 9. Anthropologically, co-sleeping among family members is the norm.
21
I came away reading this article that it had little to do with co-sleeping (symptom) but rather (problem) the children were being used as an emotional comfort/security blanket by the mother. To the author's credit, she revealed her vulnerability and acknowledged her true motivations for co-sleeping. However, children are very perceptive--and in my view, they should not bear the burden of having to comfort a parent's emotional grief (for any reason).
I don't feel like infants should be scheduled or that bedtime should be fearsome or quarellsome for a child. If an infant/child is hungry, feed. If scared, comfort. The fulfilling of those immediate needs establishes that emotional and physical comfort and security will always be met. (And I will never understand the reasons why withholding this was ever advocated by some "experts"). I've never thought about co-sleeping. My both of infants were in a crib beside our bed for a couple of months. That's all the co-sleeping that went on in my house. Once moved to their rooms, any comfort needed was done in their rooms. They were never motivated to seek comfort in our bed.
As parents, we know there are many fine lines. Two lines are drawn here: (1) where is the boundaries of offering comfort and fostering independence; and (2) who's offering whom which?
25
Humans coslept until the Industriali Revolution. Humans need touch.
1
The Fear of co- sleeping with children is unique to white Americans . I feel sad that the author felt guilt and Shame over her nightly routine..... my wife and I noted this same shame in our white circle of friends and would discuss it at length when we were with our Latino friends...... all we could do is shake our heads in disapproval ..... “Que Lastima” was most often said. My wife and I both of Mexican descent grew up sleeping in the family bed during our childhood.... as did most of our friends in our Spanish speaking communities . It was something we both shared as we were getting to know each other as young graduate students ..... years later we married had children and the idea of not co-sleeping never entered into our conversations ..... our children now 11 and 13 have long left the family bed ..... with an occasional early morning visit from our long and lanky 13 yo and tiny 11 yo - both playfully trying to find space in the family bed -we all enjoy one or two hours of intimate conversation about our week or retell funny stories of their toddler yrs.....As their “papi” I cherish these fleeting sweet moments. Our children are growing up fast and are becoming independent - my wife and I know leaving for college and starting their own lives is fast approaching ...... Looking back We have no regrets ....only beautiful memories of our children during those early years and we hope they keep the family bed alive if they become parents
3
So many red flags in this story: drinking every night, bicoastal work every week, cosleeping to answer the parent's need for comfort and intimacy. I feel so sorry for the children having such a selfish and self absorbed mother. No wonder the marriage fell apart. Marriage and parenting require time and attention and presence during our waking hours.
It is hard to sustain relationships with that kind of work and travel schedule, coupled with self medicating with wine every night. Sorry to be so critical, but the author needs to examine her life in a more constructive way for the sake of her children, as well as her own recovery.
27
This is a ridiculous response.
1. The author never states how much wine she had each evening. If it was simply a glass then it is not a concern or so-called "red flag" - many people with extremely healthy lifestyles take an evening glass of red wine - something that has been linked to good health.
2. How is a mother who took time to do guided meditations with a struggling sleeper a selfish mother? She could have simply threatened him with consequences if he didn't stay in bed, assuming that sleep would necessarily follow.
3. Sitting through swim practice (not a meet, mind you - practice) is - in my personal opinion - BORING. And yet, this mother was there, watching the endless laps in an unpleasantly chlorinated environment.
4. Finally - and most importantly - this woman and her spouse clearly took pains to stay united in their parenting efforts despite their divorce. This is admirable and something not enough divorced parents attempt to do.
You should be sorry for being so critical. Take time to read more carefully!
7
What is "proper" and 'improper" varies largely by culture, and also by person. In some cultures, whole families bathe nude, in others, this would be highly "improper," a major taboo. There is no single right way to raise a child; love and respect go a long, long way in assuring their health and happiness regardless of the conditions in which they are raised.
30
we have a child born with insomnia, colic and as we found out at 13 a high functioning aspergers neurology. he slept with us a lot as an infant and so did his 18 month older sister. with a giant kind bed we made it work. if I could change anything it would be never felling at all that this was harmful to my children. as a mother, especially if one infant who projectile vomited often and without notice for the first 2 years, then just vomited a lot, as he got older it turned to upset tummy issues, and somehow I was strong enough to ignore all criticism and co sleep with whoever needed it and wherever and still work a full time job. my children are blessings, I listened closely to all the criticism from family and teachers, and pediatricians. and only after a talk with a lovely psychiatrist in a social setting when i told her how at 11 our son was having a really hard time sleeping. she was honest and offered such comfort. in fact she said one of her boys was in there room until he was 13 off and on. no matter what I always had an instinct that my babies were like any other animal and needed comfort and snuggling to sleep. as I observed so many mothers doing the complete opposite I realized how sad it was, what we did was right for us. I now have beautiful grown children who are confident and also not afraid to ask me to comfort them or snuggle when they are sick, sad or just tired. being a mother is a job of the heart and soul..not of rejection
27
The idea that children should not sleep with their parents is very new, historically. Few cultures have policies about children sleeping alone, like ours. We are still built with the same fears and needs as we had when putting a child in the cave next door might lead them to be eaten by a bear, and to the extent that children can still be in trouble away from an attentive parent, those fears are still justified.
There is no proof that sleeping alone makes you more 'independent' or whatever it is that people are looking for through sleep separation. Independence comes from feeling safe, a feeling which sleeping alone when young does not provide. There is a lot of consensus, however, that affection, physical touch and closeness (non-abusive of course), are of great importance in a young child's development and thriving. If both child and parent want to sleep together, I see absolutely no reason for them to be made to feel guilty about it.
39
A couple who’s been cosleeping with their son. But the doctor’s been pressing them to let the baby sleep in his own in his crib and out of their bedroom. They tried , didn’t work. Then at year and half the pediatric assigned a “sleep specialist” to go to their apt arrange the crib and left an instructions to follow on how to do it. It was a disaster . The specialist said that he would be fussy but he would get used to it. And I thought: wouldn’t this have psychological effect in this baby? It was a disaster. I told this story to another friend and he said: it doesn’t matter because this is a country of “specialists”. If anything happen to that baby in the future, that they will have another specialist for that again and life goes on. Because I come from a culture that women and babies sleep together. We don’t have special name for it, just “sleeping”!
3
I can't say who needed cosleeping more me or my son. As a working mom all time together was good time. When my son was in school he struggled and kept too much inside but when the lights went out he told me everything. I was able to figure out what was going on in his little life and be there to help. My husband would joke that I might need to go to college with him so he could fall asleep but sure enough at 13 years my boy told me, mom - I got this, that was a hard day. New moms are under so much pressure to keep kids on schedules, do this, don't do that, I say do what feels right they will be fine. They grow so quickly enjoy every moment and create those everlasting bonds.
23
Please....do what is right for YOUR children. I'm sure I let my kids come in past the "acceptable" age. So what? Some nights they needed to, other times they didn't. Their sleep is fine---and they are confident, smart, loving middle schoolers....everything good. The quiet twilight time is wonderful for sweet and personal talks that may not come up in the brightness of daytime.
I recall cringing when I used to hear mothers talk about the trend of "training" their infants/toddlers by letting them cry for hours. (And of course the hundreds of books parents should buy on how to "train"!) I have to believe this is mainly a US thing.
25
I too am a single parent, a dad.
I commute from Hong Kong to Milan for ten days every month to be with my sons, 7 and 12.
When they are with me in our flat I can’t get them to sleep in their own beds. And I’m not sure I want them to anyway.
All three of us suffer the separation and distance and we all crave the intimacy. We read stories together, we talk about what I was like when I was their age, we talk about their own intense elementary school lives in a different culture.
Despite some misgivings and others’ disapproval I’ve decided it’s ok. No- it’s excellent. The day will come when they move on, upstairs to their own, never used beds. And that’s ok too. But until then I will enjoy these last moments of the childhood of my beloved sons.
60
Everyone always has an opinion about what goes on in another household, but so much of it is just needlessly judgmental.
I am also divorced, my kids have always been welcome to sleep in my bed if they were frightened or whatever. For us it started with my first, who was a very fussy infant. Nights I co-slept with him I actually got sleep, which was good for both of us. It continued as the kids grew, occasional co-sleeping when I was married, and then their dad and I both continued it when we split. In his own family co-sleeping was no big deal - even in adulthood when the need arose (house guests? sharing a hotel room? no problem).
While I wouldn't say that I ever needed my kids in my bed post-divorce, and while it wasn't a nightly thing, it was a comfort for them at different times and never any problem. It's tapered off over the years, but even in the last year we've had a couple of nights of co-sleeping (house guests, hotel, and just company in sad seasons of adolescence).
I'm ten years divorced, my kids are in their late teens and fantastically successful in school, personal relationships and life. We are a close family and I wouldn't change a thing.
17
always not great when a parent puts his/her needs above the children’s. not so much about co-sleeping per se but sounds like mom is causing the issue due to her own grief and problems...how else does she use her kids to comfort herself, rather than the other way around.?
when does it stop? are the kids being prevented from maturing?
12
I write this one day after the twentieth anniversary of our sons death.
Our son would wander into our bedroom, favorite blanket in tow, and climb into our bed in the middle of the night - most likely seeking comfort. My wife and I did not object. We all slept peacefully (well most of the time).
I treasure those precious moments-still-and am so glad we did not make him to return to his bed.
84
Beautiful words, Paul.
My thoughts to you.
1
My mother and her 3 sisters all shared a large bed when they were growing up because their family was so poor and didn't have the means to give everyone their own bed/room.
My aunt would always want us to sleep together with her every summer we visited. I loved my aunt and she has always been a very important person in my life.
I never thought much about the co-sleeping history of my family until one time I had 2 nieces visiting one summer. We watched a movie that scared them so much they didn't want to sleep alone. So we slept together, the three of us. Well, they slept I didn't so much. I was soothed by their quiet breathing much as the author describes here.
The next day I was full of so much love and connection with them. I finally understood my own childhood experience and my mother and aunt's experience in a new light.
Humans were meant to co-sleep, I'm sure of it. It's what our ancestors did, it's embedded in our DNA.
28
I’d love to see some large scale studies looking at how co-sleeping affects kids and parents long term (in the US).
Who co-sleeps past the age of 2? Is it disproportionately single parents and/or widowed or divorced parents?
Do these families disproportionately choose options like home schooling later? (Parents know best)?
What are the long term sleep patterns of these folks?
Are these parents able to spend quality time with their children otherwise, especially at mealtime and doing activities?
8
In other countries throughout the world, families sleep together. It shouldn't be a problem unless it interferes with sleep, parental sex, or devolves into something unsavory.
I'm a single mother of 5 who left an abusive marriage. When I started the divorce process, my kids were ages 5-15. When it finally ended - my ex took it all the way to a trial since he "wanted to ruin me,"as he put it - it was 4 years later. The whole process was hell &, when I think of it, I'm still traumatized, 10 years after it was finally over.
Unlike the author (& like the vast majority of divorced moms), I wasn't in a financially secure job, & ended up unemployed 3 times before finally landing a permanent teaching job. I lost my house. Worst of all, 2 of my sons revealed their father had molested them.
My point is this: co-sleeping is nothing in the face of all this. My youngest slept in bed with me until he was 5, then drifted in an out for a while after that. So? If any doctor had said anything about it, I would have laughed in their face. My oldest suffered from suicidal ideation & PTSD & depression; it was so awful. Seriously, who cares about co-sleeping for a couple of years? Sure some of it may do with the soothing comfort, the feeling that *at least* you can be there for your kid at night. But so what? This article both made me empathize & annoyed me. I wish she wouldn't be so defensive about it. There's nothing to be defensive about. No one should judge her. 10-15 years from now she will care a lot more if her kids are not suicidal, are in college, are not doing drugs, are finding their way. If co-sleeping helps now, do it. Period.
71
Cosleeping and divorced overlap and support one another in many ways.
8
My 9 year old migrates with our dog to our bed some nights. So great waking up and seeing her peaceful face in the morning. Also get the benefit of a snuggle with our sweet beagle.
12
I see no harm in this. Parents receive messages from the medical establishment and from the culture that there is some sin in doing what comes naturally. Sleep states need to be safe, both physically and emotionally. If it takes longer for the latter to be 'on his own,' so what?
18
I forced my first two children from my bed because I was vulnerable to medical and parental ( read grandma’s) criticism. I nursed my third child for four years, co sleeping all that time, and beyond, to be honest, not giving a hoot about other opinions this time around. And there was no divorce, no illness, to excuse it, just the mutual sense of love and safety. I strongly suggest parents go with the natural flow of their family dynamic. My son is thirty now, and quite the young man.
28
Beautiful essay. Although my wife and I have done the opposite, putting our baby in his own room when he was 6 weeks old, I think it is wonderful when people throw off the shackles of how you are expected to parent and do what truly works for them. I doubt that this or any other minor parenting choice will have any negative effect on the kids long term.
18
Many parents who are involved in divorce litigation have been punished for allowing their children to sleep with them after a separation. One parent will often lodge a complaint against the other parent for allowing the child to sleep with them and restraining orders are put in place. Pediatricians and child developmental experts also demand parents make their children sleep in their own bed. There is a disconnect on this issue among the parents, medical experts and the law in some states.
20
Awful! Doesn't seem that the law should be able to dictate such a personal choice.
1
I admire the honesty of the writer, and that she illuminated out a practice which has some dangers.
Some commenters extol "co sleeping." I have NO problem with children joining parents for a cuddle, or perhaps for comfort. But not every night (that they were together) for four years.
If an adult caretaker is despondent and the children are in that bed to provide comfort to her/him, that shifts an emotional burden to a child, as if the child has become the parent's partner, responsible for comforting her.
There ARE sexual implications after a certain age: they simply exist. There can be overt abuse, but I am not talking about that - it's a developmental issue.
A child in my extended family became emotionally enmeshed with his mother who also "coslept" with him after the parent's relationship broke up.
It can become unintended emotional extortion, where the parent's distress is absorbed by the child. It makes it harder for children to differentiate themselves from the parent, even to enjoy themselves when separated from the parent- because they are worried about the parent. At some point they may realize that their experience with mom(dad) is not the norm, and end up burdened by a secret.
Children can provide a reason to live - but not to absorb the injuries of adult life.
She ends with an admission that she wasn't cosleeping for yrs to comfort the children: What I told myself wasn’t really true . . . It was important for me, the parent, after the trauma of divorce."
20
It doesn't sound like it hurt anyone.
Co sleeping is fine in some cases and not so in others. It is important to understand for yourself why you are doing it. Then, at what point do you stop? I knew a co sleeping pair. Then mom got a boy friend and first the 11 yr old moved to the floor at the end of the bed and then to the floor in the hall outside the bedroom door. Co sleepers be aware and relax either way.
1
Be careful going to sleep while listening to meditation tapes. To use meditation for the purpose of inducing sleep is feeding a habit that will carry over to daytime attempts to meditation. Guess what? When you attempt to meditate, you’ll fall asleep.
However, you can effectively use meditation to relax BEFORE trying to fall asleep like this: have a routine body position while meditating and a different one for going to sleep. It can be as simple as turning your hand palms facing up while meditating and then down to go to sleep. And, more importantly, make the mental intention to switch. Drifting mindlessly from meditation to sleep will make it difficult to meditate without falling into stupor. Meditation is essentially about habit: breaking old one and creating new ones, hopefully better ones.
5
I see co sleeping as a way for the family to heal after the trauma of a divorce but like any pain reliever it must be used carefully and not abused. I think it is a good thing as long as you and the kids realize that at some point the co sleeping must end. And when it ends is up to you as the parent but that it ends is a given. And we want to encourage independence but we also want to nurture kids and give them comfort during difficult times. Again co sleeping is OK if used carefully and judiciously. Just be sure your kids know the rules and that it won't last forever.
9
Ridiculous...your child is NOT required to give you comfort and relief from sleeping alone. Anyone who lets an infant, toddler or child sleep with them is interferring with the child's development of independence and/or safety as well as ruining YOUR sex life and/or own sleep. This is a "trend" that needs to be reversed!! Similar to carrying or "walking" a child around. Put them in a stroller or allow older ones to walk on their own.
37
No, children are not required to give adults comfort and relief. However by their very nature as human beings in a relationship with other human beings they naturally and freely give comfort and relief. Just as their parents give them comfort and relief. All relationships are, well, relational, with attachment and love and caring flowing in both directions.
If the children were still choosing to co-sleep with their mother, then clearly they were also getting comfort and relief. The author's point was that "experts" were telling her to stop this practice, not the children, a practice that was beneficial to all of them.
Also, what ruins a person's sex life is a lack of connection with their significant other not co-sleeping. And how many marriages/partnerships suffer from emotional distance/lack of communication?
6
I'm amazed that so many people recommended your harsh comment. We in America are too afraid that something innocent will become sexual. That's the only reason I can see for your comment. Co-sleeping is common all over the world. It's only a problem is there's actually a problem.
2
Barbara in the Bay Area,
With all due respect, nonsense! Rather than guilt-trip others with harsh judgement of their parenting styles and sleeping arrangements, please take a moment to reflect on your own experience as a child and/or parent. Has it worked out so wonderfully well for you? Imagine needing this kind of comfort (and comfort takes many forms, some involving alcohol and other substance abuse) and having it available during times of rest and sweeter dreams? Where is the harm? Nurtured children grow up happy and healthy; it’s the adult criticisms of them and their parents that create stress. No shame, no blame.
I’m sorry if you’ve suffered. You did not deserve it and it was not your fault.
4
I felt real anger when I read that last line, your inside wink to the co-sleeping community. the implication is that your community has a primal "in" to a intimacy with your children that non-co-sleepers don't understand; yet your story shows that you are leaning on very young children for emotional support.
Parents exist to see their children's needs . Not the other way around.
59
It seems that some adults sleep with the children to satisfy their own (the parent's) needs. That is wrong. It's one thing to give comfort to young child - up to the age of 8 or 9, especially if the child is insecure. But after that you are harming the child and just indulging yourself.
38
My daughter happily co-slept with her two children, now just turned 2 and 3, until
a few months ago when they both suddenly began sleeping....sideways across the bed. No sleep for Mom! I thought, How bad could this be? Until I slept one night with one of them. Yikes. Next day, grumpy Grandma, grumpy Mom. She bought them their own little Minnie and Mickey beds, they took to them, and everyone sleeps in peace.
16
My daughter slept with her father and I until she was almost five. I had a husband and in tact marriage and still loved having her there. After my husband died, both my son and daughter would come into my bed at night and we’d read or watch something stupid on tv. Sometimes my son fell asleep and I let him stay. One night his sister screamed at him and told him to sleep in his own bed. He was eight at the time. We all needed to be together in the aftermath of our tragedy....
13
We all brothers and sisters slept on the cotton mattress that was rolled up every morning. The mother slept last but she was in the centre and we all knew that she is just a cry away. Actually I have never seen my parents sleeping together and we never asked even when we grew up. And it went on till I was in college.
Till I came to the US I did not know that small kids do not sleep with their parents. I was aghast. Who tells them stories before they sleep?
38
Some of my best memories of my grandkids being little are the memories of being in bed together. Does that sound kinky?
I knew, just as their parents, my kids, had grown up, slept in their own beds, moved on to apartments, got married, and all that, Time goes all too fast, and the grandkids would someday be moving on, too.
Being in bed together, reading and telling stories, having silly and fun conversations, then preciously dozing off, were priceless times. I felt stuffed in between them, one girl, one boy, on each side of me. The old quilt spread out, the old quilt that has never left the bed, but now just holds the memory of those little kids and their grandma, their Mima, all squished in for those nights.
I say, it all goes too fast. Tired of people, including doctors, and “specialists”, and pediatricians, harping about sleeping together. There was a time when holding a baby “too much” was frowned upon (and almost forbidden) too.
I bet in years to come, when asked about some of the best times with their grandma, they will say, being up north at her house, in bed on a cold winter night, all warm, and listening to her stories til we fell asleep.
Memories are in the making, folks. Let’s not spoil that. Sometimes that’s all we will have.
49
Sleeping with our children is lovely and sometimes annoying. Musical beds has been the norm in our house for years.
I couldn’t imagine banishing our children to sleep alone when they were scared, tired or overwhelmed by a new situation at school.
I believe that human beings, by our very design, are meant to be in close contact with other human beings. Why not have the most vulnerable among us be close by.
Our now 17 year old son does not want to sleep in our bed any more, he stopped doing that at around 13. But he still hugs us and wants me to stay in his room and talk with him at the end of the day. He still shares his joys and his worries with us.
Luckily- our daughter is still comfortable sleeping with us. That too will stop one day. She also loved sleeping with my mom- which made my mother very happy in her last few years. I slept with my mother the summer before she passed away and climbed into her hospital bed whenever the nurses weren’t in the room. I am so glad that I did. I loved being her daughter and she knew it.
Yes- marital intimacy was challenging in some years but as our children got older there were many nights that we declared as mom and dad night.
Do what works for you and your family and for those of you who pass judgement from one side of the table or the other, cut it out! We all need to give each other a break and appreciate how much time and effort goes into parenting regardless or specific styles.
38
Jwalnut
As a nurse I am shamed you had to hide being in the hospital bed with your mom. How dare a profession, any profession, dictate such profound love rules.
As a mom, if my daughters ever climbed in bed with me in the hospital, I would know love. Nothing could be more precious.
You are a gem.
MIMA
2
With my children , before the birth of my first; I read every child care book around.
I joined the Laleche League and was surrounded by like minded pregnant women who were breast feeding their infants into toddlerhood and promoted “ the family bed”.
So my kids , now 30 and 26 got to sleep well with mommy and daddy.
When my oldest turned One ,we bought her a queen size mattress ,and put it on the floor in her bedroom.
We had a routine for years with me falling asleep next them on their floor mattresses, listening to music and novels.Both kids were in their own rooms in normal beds sleeping well alone by age 6.
I miss those days.
12
Hurray for co-sleeping! Why is it only sexually-involved couples (and groups of teen-aged girls) that are allowed to benefit from this close experience? Without any particular intent, co-slept until they were aged around 14 or so, when it stopped naturally and without any special intervention, and everyone turned out fine. We still have a family sleep when we want to celebrate a special reunion.
22
I am so sorry to the author for the horribly judgemental and negative comments here. It is sad to me that being an author in 2018 means opening one’s self up to such misery.
Each parent is different. Each child is different. Each marriage is different and each divorce is different. Live and let live, folks. These children sound very well loved and their Mom is finding her way through a difficult period with grace, introspection and humility.
Enjoy the snuggles wherever you can get them — my kids are grown and I can assure you that the snuggles are short lived in hindsight.
62
Co-sleeping is frowned upon in the US, but totally normal in many other cultures, for example in Italy. My husband and I co-slept with our kids for as long as they wanted to, I never understood the American obsession about trying to force kids to sleep in their own room and in their own beds, it's really weird. It's actually not very natural at all to force "separate sleep", especially from an evolutionary point of view.
36
We have the same obsession in Australia. Apparently this need for separate sleeping has its roots in the industrial revolution when people's days became very structured and children were required to fit in with adults' sleeping habits.
My toddler attends a playgroup with loads of south-east Asian families who co-sleep. It sounds so natural to me. A Filipino friend told me that her family of 10 would sleep on mattresses on the floor with one parent either side and the eight kids between them. I'm not sure how her parents conceived so many children with that sleeping arrangement?!
14
It sells baby monitors and crib side video cams...
1
It can work the other way round, so take care.
When our second daughter was born, my wife (then 48) was so tired at her bedtime that she lay down with our new daughter in our bed, to see her off to sleep. And she fell asleep herself. And when our older daughter (7 yrs older than our second daughter) became jealous, she too insisted on going to sleep in the marital bed. It was a big bed, but there wasn’t room for four of us. We tried, but every night I had to decamp to a spare bedroom, and after a while that became where I would go to bed, because when I got home from work all three of them would be flat out and of course I didn’t want to wake them unnecessarily. Older daughter was a very light sleeper and would wake and protest if I tried to carry her back to her own room.
Five years of this went by, and my then wife - who despite all reasoning by me over that whole period consistently and firmly refused to disturb or end her co-sleeping with our two daughters - declared we should divorce because all intimacy had been lost.
And that’s what happened. The most severe damage was of course sustained by our girls, followed by me, and then by my then wife. The girls still suffer, and my then wife remarried.
The old truth is as valid today as ever it was. When things go wrong in the bedroom, that’s the beginning of the end of a marriage. And they can begin to go wrong very quietly and subtly, but wrong they can go.
I now have that same marital bed all to myself.
79
To all of you co sleepers out there; being grandparents is even nicer. We live close to our daughter and her husband and their three little ones. They are the youngest, 5,7 & 9, of our nine grand children. For years now, when they come to visit or for dinner and one of the kids calls me aside and "secretly" asks if we can have "a sleepover" it makes our day. They love it, and their parents graciously and lovingly realize how much it means to the kids as well as to my wife and I. Then all three argue about who sleeps beside who. If all three stay we divvy up the treasure between the master bedroom and the guest room. It's wonderful, it helps everyone. We snuggle, talk, read, joke and learn from each other. Keep on doing what your doing. It all will work itself out.
41
JPM
Agreed! They don’t even ask to bring their electronics to grandma’s bed with them. Imagine!
MIMA
1
Replacing the intimacy (closeness, connection, physical touch) of an ex-spouse with the intimacy (author's own intimation) of your former spouse's spawn...I understand the need but not this specific outlet to meet that need. I feel the children are being used in a way that wouldn't have occurred without the separation. Is that fair? Is that healthy for any of the parties?
I'm struggling to understand the ultimate intention of this piece. Perhaps that challenge and the thought and consideration it prompts is the point. Moreso, I hope that documenting this and sharing it is a type of therapy and attempt at closure, because that seems to be what is needed.
21
Nurse Jacki, I think you misinterpreted my comments. I was very intentional and clear in how I defined intimacy (closeness, connection, physical touch). If you're mind jumped straight to something being sexual by the mention of the words intimacy and physical touch might I suggest might I suggest you check your own internal level of crudeness. Simple touch (hug, pat, squeeze, any contact) is a human need.
Furthermore, my comments were very respectful in that I was acknowledging my struggle with understanding a perspective and situation which I have not experienced and do not share. I struggle to understand intent and you pass judgement when you automatically assign my words to have a sexual connotation because I'm male.
Respectfully, I ask that you reread my comments with this context on mind.
I couldn't co-sleep with my kid in a million years. She slept in a bassinet in my room for the first 6 months, but then I evicted her to a crib. The only time I have to myself is when she sleeps and I desperately need that time. It's also pretty much the only time she is alone as well. In fact, up until recently the first thing she did every morning was come into my room and I've been trying to teach her to just play by herself until I'm awake. It was hard at first, but it seems like she's having a better time moving at her own pace with her own stuff than having to adjust to my adult schedule. Being alone, just like everything else for a child, is a skill that needs to be learned. I don't give other people parenting advice, but this works for me.
26
A truly shallow perspective of life.
A focus on children sleeping with a parent rather than the deep disruption of a marriage involving very young vulnerable children.
I hope the lifestyle of the commute from SF to LA for a job, a daily drink of wine & self serving focus on illness brought on by stress was worth the financial reward & accolades.
The children and parents lost the support of the family unit & coped by needing emotional support in the form of sleeping together.
This emotional blind spot is the bane of our society as we race to an utopia based on shallow family values.
31
Well, I don't judge as harshly as you do, but it did seem to me the focus was clearly the author's needs. Her marriage unraveled. She was literally away from home half the week while her children were very young, and in the aftermath of a divorce. She was also sick (not surprisingly). It does seem we are ignoring some rather large elephants in that room, such as her young children's trauma.The story doesn't really have all that much to do with co-sleeping. If anything, it seems to further the stereotype that co-sleeping is for the parent's needs, not the child's. I guess though, if it were just "We co-slept and it was great," it wouldn't make a good story. As I wrote in another post, I have very mixed feelings about the whole thing.
15
Again I have very mixed feelings, but .... I admit to feeling a little bemused by the notion that they were getting her "undivided attention" when she was ... asleep.
13
Yeah, pets ... that's a whole different matter LOL.
1
Thanks for this vulnerable and beautiful article. I never thought I'd co-sleep but my two-year old comes into bed with us in the middle of the night. It's human, comforting, and one of my joys as a parent. I love that you were courageous enough to share your own humanity, and share this perfectly imperfect story, Ms. Bazelon. Thank you!!
27
Something doesn't seem quite right if a child still continues to sleep with the parent past 3 years of age. Even worse is when a parent needs the child sleeping with him or her, because now it's the parent who is emotionally dependent on the child. A divorce, or some other kind of loss is not a good reason to be turning the child into the parent for one's own grownup emotional neediness. This is damaging to the dhild. At this point, it's best for the parent to turn to a professional counselor.
37
I proudly cosleep with my children aged 3 and 5, though I carry the 5 year old to his bed as soon as he falls asleep. He prefers to fall asleep with a parent - who can blame him!
I find the practice of putting newborns, infants, toddlers, and even very young children in separate rooms (if this is upsetting to the child) cruel, especially in times of emotional distress like divorce. They’re human beings, not dolls...
If only I had a dollar for every time someone criticized our choices, from on demand breastfeeding to cosleeping to holding and soothing the baby when he cried... Being told by friends and relatives that their “newborn was in its own room from birth and that’s that”, and that we are crazy for not doing the same thing - “creating a rod for your own back”. Like keeping a newborn close is something we had to consistently defend...
This was a beautiful essay. Go easy on yourself, and know that there are millions (yes maybe even billions) of people out there who cosleep, without guilt, knowing there is absolutely nothing wrong with this.
And you know, sometimes mother’s need healing too. I for one cherish this time, and so do my kids.
66
Couldn’t have said it better myself
I shared a bed with my sister from childhood until I left home after high school graduation; and, ever since I left home and could be on my own I have LOVED sleeping alone. As a grown single woman, with my own home, I owned a King size bed and loved not having to share it. I've been married now for almost two decades, and I still prefer sleeping in my own bed. So, my husband and I have adapted. I have my own bedroom that I sleep in whenever I want to sleep alone and not have to share the bed. Many nights a week, I start out sleeping with him, but later move to my bedroom after he has fallen asleep.
Aaaahhhh! To sleep alone and not have to share the bed, or have put up with snoring, someone's tossing, or have them breathing in your face...Now, that's a good night's sleep!
58
This article describes me post divorce. Even now, remarried and happy, I would love to have kids crawl in bed with me in the middle of the night. Cherish those moments of physical closeness with little ones! It flies by!
26
Our son makes it a point to fall asleep in my arms every night. I love it and hope he never tires of it. I love the softness of his hair and the expressions on his face when he sleeps.
18
I may as well be the child in your story. My brother and I coslept with our dad - the single parent in our story - well into our teens. As adults, both my brother and I feel that cosleeping as a family was the best thing that happened to us. Today I am almost 40 and cosleep with my 4-year old. It’s my poor, dear spouse who has to leave the bed and use the guest bed to get a peaceful night’s rest.
27
Twenty years ago, my 9-year-old twins kept climbing into my bed after my ex walked out. I woke up in the middle of one night and found myself squeezed in, with my daughter on one side, my son on the other, the dog on top of the covers, one cat on the floor nearby, and the other cat on the window sill.
I started to laugh. It seems the entire family was in my room, craving company and reassurance.
This went on for a few weeks, and then the kids drifted back to their rooms on their own. The three pets, however, spread out, taking turns sleeping on each of our beds. When things are falling apart, sometimes it's best to stick together.
198
"When things are falling apart, sometimes it's best to stick together." - That's a useful motto to get through life. Thank you.
13
There are two competing issues with co-sleeping with older kids:
1. The kids (and sometimes, the parent's) needs for reassurance and intimacy: So long as the parent owns his/her needs, and doesn't make it the child's burden to bear, I think it is healthy to be vulnerable sometimes.
2. The kid's need to self-soothe and deal with loneliness: After all, life comes with breakups and other forms of rejection and loneliness, and it is important kids learn to deal with it in small steps.
No right or wrong solution here, and let us no rush to judge parenting decisions different from our own, but compromise between 1 and 2 is key.
I am all for good marital sex, but tired end-of-the-working-day routine sex in my opinion is not real intimacy. A wise couple should rather teach the kids to give them "grownup privacy" and seek that intimacy when it is not a conflict with anyone's bedtime.
I grew up in India, my parents politely asked for privacy some evenings when they needed it. I left the room to play elsewhere. I always slept with at least one parent until I left the house at 23. Lived and slept successfully alone ~10 years, now live with my husband and child.
When my 6-yr-old wants to sleep with a parent I explain to her that part of growing up is managing our feelings of fear and loneliness, that I miss her too at night, and compromise with sleeping in her room once every week. She feels heard and loved, and yet challenged to self-soothe on other nights.
33
Mixed feelings here: I am all in favor of co-sleeping, in some circumstances. Our son slept in our bed till he was nearly 6. However, I can also tell you the other side. I slept with my mother until I was nearly 13, and a big reason for this was her estrangement from my father and her extreme emotional neediness. And I can tell you that it is not something that I count as having a positive effect on my life. It did not make up for problems in our relationship, and it does not automatically mean you will have a close relationship with your child in the long run. If you realize you're actually doing it to meet your own needs, maybe time to make changes. Also - never get in bed with your child (or let them get in bed with you) if you're drunk or impaired by drugs.
59
Lara Bazelon, beautifully written, it brought a welling up to my chest. The clincher was when your ex-husband asked about the situation. I'm sure your two children are still perfect. :-)
9
The divorce created "issues". The father's relationship with his son is more important than his dating life, and that means you.
6
When you allow your 10 year old to dictate your love life, you have problems. They may be small ones now, but it will get worse.
8
I'm there right now. I've going through a divorce and recovering from domestic violence. My 2 year old just started speaking and one of the things she says when I tuck her in that breaks my heart and strengthens it at the same time is, "snuggle me." We are both healing and growing and dreaming when we duck under the covers at night. The closeness that I feel with her by my side, tells me for a minute that everything is going to be all right.
31
Sigh. I had no strong feelings about co-sleeping, one way or another. My oldest (almost 8) would love to sleep with us every night...but. She is a tosser, a turner and a flailer. Big for her age and manages to somehow take up most of our king bed. And, a light sleeper, so wakes up if one of us had to get up early for work, which happens a lot. It has been a journey to get her in her own bed but needed to happen for EVERYONE to get better sleep!
24
Moving story. Please don't assume everyone has the same reason for co-sleeping. Justification is not needed.
19
My kids "moved out" to their own beds when they were ready, when they wanted to. Husband moved out, said it was like sleeping with a pack of puppies. I liked it. So did they.
12
Well, yes. But after that corner of the nest starts to empty, may I suggest cats? Good for up to 22 hours a day asleep, warm, relatively clean and quiet.
34
What a fuss about nothing or rather something recently invented in the West. In India ( and many other parts of the world), children sleep all of or part of the night with parents, especially mothers.
38
The good divorce--nay, the best divorce--is when you don't ask your kids to replace the roles occupied by your former spouse. I know it's hard, but let them be kids. Let them learn how to self-soothe. Do you want them to go to camp? Do you want them to go to college? What you do now will make it so much easier for them--and you--later. Good luck, good mom.
47
The kids likely get as much out of the sleeping arrangements as the mom. It's not just she who seems to like it.
5
I love this article. Parents who co-sleep with their kids should never have to justify their routine to others. It's a beautiful thing that will one day be over.
The assumption that children who always sleep alone magically grow up independent and confident and that the converse isn't true is ludicrous.
Speaking form personal experience, my mother takes great pride in telling me that I never spent one night in her bed as a child. I was probably one of the most insecure, homesick child I knew. Sure. N of 1 but proof of concept for sure.
I am so happy you had that comfort to tap into. Not everyone is that lucky.
32
A parent using a little child for emotional support is so sadly unhealthy. Unfortunately, our society rationalizes all sorts of emotional abuse by adults against children, done in myriad ways.
50
Wow do I identify with everything you wrote. I similarly find it hard to give up sleeping in the bed with my eight year old. She looks so perfect when she sleeps. I think it’s also hard when we have spent so many years literally breaking our physical health, in my case working long hours, that we feel that by co-sleeping we can make up some of the time we have lost by working so much. My child used to wake up a lot at night to feed and spend time with me. The midwives called it “reverse cycling.” I used to feel like a mom dog in a puppy mill. My kid was torn away from me so I could work and make money for some faceless employer. I still feel terribly sad about how I never got a real choice about whether to stay home when my kid was a baby. I simply had to work myself until I got sick and burnt out and got laid off. I lasted about two years. I had a fever for three weeks immediately after I was laid off. I had been drinking 6 cups of coffee a day and felt so sleep deprived that I felt ill. The world is a barbaric place. At least at night she learnt she had me all to herself, she had my undivided attention.
21
After my father died unexpectedly when I was 12 my sister 4 and my brother 1 ...we all slept with my mother for years. It comforted all of us.
43
Thank you, Tina.
1
Why is it a bad habit that needs to be stopped?
I'll chime in with the others. What's the big deal? No adult or teenager wants to share a bed with their parent. The kids will stop sharing your bed (or throw you out of theirs) when they want to. Sometime be now and then it will stop. Enjoy it.
32
Our children slept with us before our breakup. Once separated their mother wanted them in their own beds, but they chose to sleep with me until 9 or so when they decided on their own to sleep in their own beds.
When we were in one room huts, children slept with their parents. Separate bedrooms for everybody is a very small fraction of human existence.
17
Parents of infants should research the risk of SIDS with co-sleeping, particularly if they consume alcohol and/or smoke. Co-sleeping isn’t ok in all situations and should be approached with caution and consideration.
27
I have been on that call. 3 month old baby, suffocated.
What should be approached with caution are these studies. Consuming alcohol hurts no one but the consumer and I have yet to hear of a case where someone smoked while they were asleep. I know alcohol might put you in a state where you role over on your child and don't wake up, suffocating the child. That's the only way that could even plausibly be a problem. Probably not a good idea to smoke in bed no matter whether your child is there or not. I don't think anyone has the answer on SIDS.
We never had a crib for either of our two kids. Instead we put two queen mattresses side-by-side and slept together for years. My husband and I eventually realized we sleep better in separate rooms, and that became our new normal. At 10 and 13 the kids mostly sleep in their own rooms, but whenever them want to sleep in my bed they are welcome to. If they are sick they usually sleep with me until they get better, and then for a few days more — just because we enjoy the snuggles and the late night talks about life and wonder.
My parents were worried about the co-sleeping being unhealthy when the kids were young. But then it came out that my dad shared a bed with his mother until he was 13 — because it was the depression and several aunts and uncles all shared the same small Brooklyn apartment, and there weren’t enough beds to go around. Still, he didn’t think co-sleeping as a choice, only a necessity.
Fast forward to the present when my mother, now elderly, was ill and in the hospital and rehab for a month. When I came to visit I slept on my mother’s side of the bed, next to my dad. We didn’t think twice about it, and when I became emotional at one point about my mother’s health, I came in for a snuggle with my 90-year-old dad. It was so incredibly comforting.
No one could ever tell me that what my family is doing is unhealthy. It is the most natural thing in the world.
38
Children are entirely helpless at a young age. The power difference between children and parents is physically, emotionally, and legally a huge gulf. Parents are able to use children with almost complete impunity.
Co-sleeping has an ugly history of infanticide and sexual abuse. This is why it is a suspect activity.
The argument that it is done in other countries or that all mammals do it does not address these concerns. Furthermore, neither of these arguments is compelling. The practice may not be healthy in other countries, and humans are uniquely equipped among mammals to abuse their young. Also, the argument that anecdotally the practice has not caused harm must be suspect at best. Abused children are unlikely to ever consciously admit to being abused, even in adulthood, and the harm is often invisible or unrecognized by those involved. And of course, not every family situation is the same.
All humans need skin to skin contact, but physical closeness between parents and children does not need to take place in the bed.
Finally, the author admits to needing the practice emotionally, clearly demonstrating that the activity may have very little to do with the needs of the children, who may go along with it because they sense that mommy wants it (and it may be the only time they have their mother’s approval and undivided attention). Children are not appendages to be used for personal gratification. They are separate human beings who must be respected as such.
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In response to Not optimistic:
Just as the overwhelming majority of cosleeping parents would never dream of transgressing sexual boundaries in bed with their children, there is, unfortunately, no law of nature that makes it impossible for an abuser to violate children outside of the bedroom at any hour of the day or night. While I deeply sympathize with any victim of incest who has been abused behind closed bedroom doors, it is a logical fallacy to suggest that sleeping with a child automatically increases the risk of abuse.
Parents, along with all other adults, are always responsible for keeping their sexual impulses in check around children. This is equally true whether they are teaching children, coaching children or counseling them, as well as when they are bathing children, dressing children or sleeping with them.
To conflate cosleeping with abuse is a manifestation of our own cultural biases, rather than a reflection of objective reality.
3
In response to Not optimistic:
Just as the overwhelming majority of cosleeping parents would never dream of transgressing sexual boundaries in bed with their children, there is, unfortunately, no law of nature that makes it impossible for an abuser to violate children outside of the bedroom at any hour of the day or night. While I deeply sympathize with any victim of incest who has been abused behind closed bedroom doors, it is a logical fallacy to suggest that sleeping with a child automatically increases the risk of abuse.
Parents, along with all other adults, are always responsible for keeping their sexual impulses in check around children. This is equally true whether they are teaching children, coaching children or counseling them, as well as when they are bathing children, dressing children or sleeping with them.
To conflate cosleeping with abuse is a manifestation of our own cultural biases, rather than a reflection of objective reality.
How did this surge so quickly from the personal conclusion (this was a parent elevating their needs above their children's needs) to the universal one (everyone who does anything like this is hurting their children to give themselves selfish succor)?
Only the author knows the truth about the personal part of that. As for the universal, that doesn't resonate with me at all.
When I had young children (circa the 2000s), there was no meaningful consensus or evidence base about the benefits and costs of co-sleeping. There were warring camps and judgment galore. I didn't then, and I haven't since, seen solid evidence to suggest that parents are harming children in some meaningful and categorical way by having co-sleeping arrangements or other arrangements in early years. If that exists, cool: bring on the data.
I can't and won't pretend to tell the author how to feel about their situation. I will ask the author to slow the roll down a bit before universalizing their particular situation to something like "all cosleeping parents are selfish and I know this because I think I was".
9
I grew up in a family where we all slept in one room, then moved to college and then grad school and work (outside US) and shared small rooms with one to 11 roommates within the course of 10 years. We slept like you would sleep in a tent, no bed and someones leg would rub against another’s head. Then I was drafted for military in my native country and shared warehouses with 100s of other soldiers after days of training. Then I moved to US and lived by myself in a 2 bedroom house for few years, then I rented the other room to people. Then I moved in with my partner in a single bedroom apartment where we shared bed. We didn’t have the best sleep. We now moved to a bigger house and have separate bedrooms, we still sleep together some weekends and whenever we want, but we sleep in separate beds all the other times. All of those worked for me, some more, some less and I don’t think any of them were the right sleeping arrangement.
I don’t think anyone should feel bad for their sleeping arrangements, whatever works for you as a family, works.
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My 2 sons "moved out" to their own rooms when they were ready. My husband moved out because he said it was like sleeping with a pack of puppies. I liked it, they liked it and he (husband) liked sleeping alone anyhow.
Much to do about nothing. Whatever works for each family.
I still miss the little puppy boys who slept all over me. It went by so fast.
My parents never let me sleep with them, despite my frequent nightmares. Once Daddy left for wor each morning, Mom and I went back to sleep together. Loved it! No bad dreams then.
32
I knew a family that practiced co-sleeping, and as each of their four children got older, they took the initiative and left the family bed. I knew another family that also successfully shared the "family bed." I've never understood the extreme reaction we have in this country tip something widely fine around the world. Why do we have to look for the pathology in this?
As an only child who had no physical contact with my parents (they were unresponsive to my attempts at hugging) and now a childless widow, I'd love to be in a position to enjoy the warmth and coziness of a family bed.
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I love Ms. Bazelon’s legal writing. But this article made me cringe. I don’t know why she feels comfortable violating her children’s privacy, and not for the first time.
The wrong-headedness of habitual co-sleeping is three-fold. First, the parents need it and assure themselves that the kids like it too whether that’s true or not. Second, the parents think that co-sleeping is the same as spending time with their kids (no substitute for mealtimes or hikes or walking to school together). Third, that there’s no harm to the parents relationship to each other. No wonder parents are having less sex than ever!
It matters not to me that co-sleeping is common in other cultures- that’s mostly driven by the necessity of small living spaces. It is an entirely appropriate question for doctors to ask, and I hope others learn a healthier form of intimacy with their kids.
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Who, may I ask, is the best judge of their childrens’ needs and what is true or not for them?
It is not a substitute for other forms of quality time, but in addition to, and of a unique and special quality of time (sleep time) as well.
A sexless relationship between parents happens for many reasons. Stress, fatigue, the need for two incomes, etc. all impact the opportunities and desire for sex. Childless couples know this too.
31
People co-sleep in other countries not only due to necessity. I'll never forget when a friend in grad school from India told me he co-slept with his parents when he went back to visit. I was shocked and horrified. Two decades later, I am much more open-minded and realize there is no one right way to live.
26
I have to disagree with you. Her children were seeking her out and were able to relax and fall asleep in her physical presence. Children are very good at making their needs known, we just have to be open enough to hear it. And sex can be had in a host of other locations. It's fine if it's not your thing. It's reassuring to know ppl are living with conviction and connecting with their kids in such a beautiful and healthy way.
12
I understand what Professor Bazelon is writing about. I used to be a high-flying trial attorney in Manhattan, until my ex decided to move to Texas and file for divorce. I quit my job and moved to Texas to appear in the divorce proceedings.
Our case went to a final trial, and the judge granted me sole custody of our two daughters, one was 2 and the other was 5. I became a single dad overnight. It was the happiest time of my life.
My 5 year old girl is now a senior at high school. My 2 year old is now the youngest ever student to be admitted to our local community college at the age of 13. She is highly gifted and talented and is now taking college courses after having passed the 12th grade high school tests at age 13.
I was never able to return to legal practice because I became a full time dad. But I have never been happier.
52
I grew up in a family bed, I love the closeness it brought to my family. My parents worked multiple jobs at times so it was nice to be together in one place. I wanted a family bed for my own family but after all the safe sleeping agenda we opted for co-sleeping in the same room instead. It’s definitely not the same. Now we have our 4 year old in her bed on one side and and our infant in the crib on the other side. I love watching them at night but so miss their warm, squirmy bodies.
20
Great article. Author is honest, personable, and vulnerable. The comments flow from parents that experienced similar concerns and conditions of sleep and nurture with knowledge born of experience.
I remember a very hip sophisticated female supervisor vehemently commenting when I shared that my child still invaded our bed at night. (I just don't remember how old my child was at that point--I'd guess three or four)
As I look back I'm embarrassed that I would even care what that aging woman with obvious issues of her own would observe about my life.
My children are grown and sane and I sleep well enough. Absolutely no harm done.
63
Agreed - except for the uncalled for and unnecessary jab at the "aging" woman ... She may have been wrong, she may have been obnoxious, but it's a shame you took the opportunity to suggest that it doesn't matter what an "aging" woman thought.
4
Philly
You are, of course--or, at least most probably-- correct. I should not have used the word "aging". But, you are civil, and obviously alert, so allow me to ask you a question... First I must point out I used three adjectives: Hip, Sophisticated, and aging. The woman, my supervisor, simply did not behave age appropriately. She advertised herself as full Hollywood (yes, this was in LA) and deep into the cutting edge of all sorts of liberations. My amateurish brushes with 20th century psychology bring me to make two observations. She was fighting the aging process tooth and nail and just too quick to criticize someone caught up in the more mundane battles of child rearing. Her take was no one with an active sex life would allow a three year old to invade her bed.
So, I tried to convey that.
My questions to you are: Is it wrong for me to refer to what I call age inappropriate behavior? What I recognize decades later as compensation for personal issues on her part got buried at the time in our relationship. She was my boss. Another aside; she pointed out flaws in my behavior and attitude often, generally being correct.
Or, is age an issue I should never address? At least in the case of women? Have I attached myself to shakey ground by stating that a sixty year old person is different than a 30 year old? Having hit my 70th year, I'm quite sure of this. My male friends who talk as if they are 30 prove it everyday. Thanks for the comment. Hope you respond.
1
Okay, Michael. I see what you meant, I think it just kind of came out wrong ... Not an easy thing to convey and I don't blame you for finding her criticism very annoying.
I understand the closeness - but I was struck with the sense that there's a need for the author to develop other close relationships too - hugging friends and family - talking to a therapist - exploring whether a closer job would feel better. There was a sadness to acknowledge that not only children can help with.
43
It worked for us, but we didn't so much need them with us as it just made more sense to sleep with them. Our children are now fiercely independent people, which is one of the alleged benefits.
33
Co-sleeping is awesome. I was afraid I was weird for doing this, but I feel much better after reading this article, and the comments. My kids are 13 (he was done with it years ago), 10 ( talks about moving on but hates sleeping alone) and 7 (huge smuggler). It’s a joy to have those moments of playing with them with the dog in the bed, reading stories, looking at fireflies, or counting the seconds between thunder and lightning in the middle of the night. They move on when they’re ready.
178
Yup and yup. Wonderful stuff
Did you mean to refer to your 7 year old as a snuggler?
I loved sleeping with my kids, never wanted it to end, now my adult daughter is struggling to get her toddler into her own bed. I listen, but want to tell her, “Enjoy this time, it is precious.”
73
I love this article. While my kids were growing up, they always managed to sleep or snuggle with me. I loved every minute of it. My kids are now 18 and16, and they don’t want anything to do with me. (I’m lucky to get a snuggle now and then). I’m a therapist and parents often want know how to sleep-separate: I just want to tell my clients to enjoy it while it lasts. Trust me, your kids won’t be sleeping with you when they go away to college.
102
It’s a great gift. Enjoy it as long as you can.
134
This father co-slept with his two young sons during a separation and sad divorce. I needed them as much as they needed me. It was winning all around except for mom, who had her own agenda. Gradually they fell asleep in their own beds and migrated, until they didn’t. So glad I chose our needs and not conventional wisdom. However, it was used against me in family court, which is a bastion of said “wisdom”.
31
This brought back such lovely memories of co-sleeping with my only daughter. I remember in the hospital how it felt so weird to have her in the plastic bassinet at the foot of the bed, fussing. A night aide (not US-born) suggested I hold her in my arms. I did and we both fell asleep. The next day, my pediatrician came to visit and I tentatively asked where our daughter should sleep. I'll never forget her response -- "Get her in a crib, or else she'll be sleeping with you until she's ten." The crib, lovely as it was, never worked for her, and so she slept with us until she was about twelve. I went back to work when she was four months old, and loved the "catch up" time we had at night. She is almost 19 now, away at college and doing amazing things. I will never regret our sleep practice. It all went by so quickly and I can't imagine not having had that sweet time with her falling asleep on my chest, sleeping back to back, and patting her back to sleep after a bad dream. Ahhh.
182
Thank you! So beautiful. I’m a mom of two, and co-sleep. Some nights it’s hard and I don’t get enough sleep but that physical closeness with my baby is so important. Our children need and sense us when we are awake and when we are asleep!
10
My son co-slept with me until day 2 of Middle School. Then, when I thought no inducement (nicer bed in his room, new sheets, etc.) would get him back in his own bed, he was gone. I miss him, but I knew the day was coming, so I made sure to watch him sleep often enough. Yes, he looked like an angel. No, he never had problems with sleepovers with his friends, nor does he seem to have any other related psychological issues now, a year later. So, I guess it was OK. He just grew out of it. I will say he wandered back for about 2 days mid-year when he had strep. That was OK with me. Kind of heart-warming to get to watch him sleep again and hear his breathing.
71
My kids and I co-slept. For the first few years, their dad was there with us, but then his arthritis worsened and he moved to a recliner in the next room. My children and I would snuggle down together; I would read to them for over an hour, my older son would braid my hair, my younger son hold onto my arm. And then we would turn out the lights and go to sleep. Early morning became my husband's and my alone time together. -- I very much miss those years. My children are grown now. They moved out of the family bed to their own rooms when they turned 12 or there about. They sleep through the night, are independent and wonderful. One is in college, one is finishing high school. -- Sometimes, I look into their bedrooms when they are still asleep, and each one is snuggled down with one of our cats. No one wants to sleep alone. Why should we?
118
To kkm:
Please don't be so quick to make sweeping generalizations like "No one wants to sleep alone." But I am glad you found an arrangement that worked for you.
My perspective is that of an Indian, where a co-sleeping arrangement often continues even when the children become adults. When children return from college for example, many will share a bed with their parents.
Judging by my long years on the planet, I can confidently tell you that this will not have a negative impact on your kids. But that is only part of the story. The homo sapiens are a resilient bunch and it will take a lot more than this to do long lasting damage.
What you should be more concerned about is what this does to your child's personality, as recent research has shown that by the time kids are six, important personality traits are already set.
Co-sleeping is a part of a broader cultural pattern. In India, this pattern results in strong family ties, elder parents having unlimited respect and authority, children being meek and respectful and I could go on. In China a reasonable case can be made that the communist party survives only because of these values permeating through society.
In the western world, there appears to be a strong independent streak that is ingrained into the children, especially in the boys, who then go on to take great risks and achieve what other cultures have not managed to.
This of course is a uni-variate analysis, the situation is much more complex.
Good luck!
89
Fantastic Point. And a very thoughtful one. :-)
3
I personally love co-sleeping with my kids. I really don't care what anyone thinks about it. At one point, we actually had two king beds pushed together in our master bedroom so everyone could sleep together and everyone had enough room. It was heavenly. Nightmares? No problem -- pat the child on the back when they first start stirring and everyone falls back to sleep. Every feels safe, secure and loved. My oldest moved on to his own bed at about 8, but he still visits from time to time for "snuggles". My 7 YO still sleeps with us almost every night. If the child is happy and the parents are happy and everyone is sleeping, I don't see why it's anyone else's concern. Nor to I see why it's a problem that needs solving -- the reality is, co-sleeping is the norm throughout the World. Americans are the weirdos who force their kids to be separated from them in the dark and scary night.
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Co-sleeping is far from a norm in the western world, is definetly not the norm gere in Europe where studies show, that in long term co-sleeping os very harmful pacologicaly for children. The studies also show that parents that choose co-sleeping find any reason To justify the habit.
2
Robin, I loved tour coment. I had a similar experience when I lived in the US. When I moved To England I thought I would have the same problem dating single dads. But here, things are very different. I wish we could Be more mature in the US.
Sometimes I think one of the things my family loved about camping was going to sleep together in the little tent, all the breathing and coziness and love surrounding us.
Without any discussion, in the days following my husband’s, and their father’s death, the kids(aged 10-20) threw enough mattresses in one room so we re-created that comforting together sleep for awhile.
We often just know what we need for comfort. Better that a prescription sleep aid for sure.
226
It's not "a problem" unless it is- actually a problem. I get what is sweet and no biggie about co-sleeping with older kids- but I've also witnessed and experienced the discomfort and stress of a needy single mom. My mother needed a lot of emotional support and seemingly still does. No kid likes being used or finding out that they were later when they can understand the dynamics. Especially when boundaries weren't enforced- like their own bed/space/independence, not because of their needs/fears/development, but those of their parent/trusted adult. With that said, the part about how it started, with you being sick makes perfect sense. You do what you have to do and necessity is the mother of invention. There was a practical reason. Now it seams, your own private meditation tape time in your own bed might be better.
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But it often is a problem. Read the comments: the women who want this are rejecting their spouses/partners, in order to bond with their kids. It's not about the kids. Kids adapt very well to sleeping alone (or in a room with siblings) -- it is about a PARENT who seeks to make the child a substitute for a romantic partners. Many of these stories are about unhappy divorcees. They are only and want "someone to cuddle with" and are using their children in appropriately. Others want to infantilize a growing maturing adolescent and keep them "babyish".
Sleeping in your parents bed once in a while -- when you are sick -- a bad storm -- nightmares -- is no big deal. Being your parent's "main squeeze" and being that emotionally dependent and a substitute for a spouse or satisfying job....is deeply troubling.
Also, most of these stories are mom's stories. Would you think it was OK for a single DAD to sleep with his adolescent 12 year old daughter? who was already menstruating? (*the average age of menses in white girls is 11.5).
3
This resonates with me as my son was a co-sleeper as well. It started after my husband died when our son was 2. We both needed that comfort from each other to get through that difficult time. I used to love to listen to him breathe, and to smell the warmth and sunshine in his hair. Even now, I sometimes will wake up to find him with his back pressed up against mine when he has had a rough day or is not feeling sure about himself. I, myself, was a migrator and my mother would wake up to me leaning up against her reading a book! Everyone else worries about it, but I don't. He won't want to crawl into bed with me when he's grown.
106
When my parents divorced me, my brother and my mom couch-surfed among relatives for about a year. That often meant the three of us sleeping on pull out couches or all together in a spare room.
My mom worked full time and we saw her very little during the day. I think it was good for us to "spend" that time together through a difficult period when we were all kind of freaked out. We kept the co sleeping arrangement for a long time. My brother and I are now healthy productive adults and I cosleep with my kids now.
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Our firstborn, our daughter, came home in 1998 on day 3 of her life. She wailed like a Banshee, and we knew not what was going on with her. After making clear her presence, she found the crook of my right arm and fell asleep ... and would not be contented until age 3 unless she was there. We tried about age 1.5 to practice the American slogans of "just put her in her crib and tell her everything's OK and she'll fall asleep in five minutes ... or maybe ten" and didn't in three hours two nights in a row. So she came back to us and stayed there till she was ready to leave. (I know exactly when our son was conceived). Our second never followed that path, always on his own. Our third was rather independent until we moved overseas when he was five months old -- it was then that I took him back on the right arm, and he's always felt comfortable.
36
In that most populous continent of Asia, in countries where I've spent a lot of time (China, India, Thailand, Vietnam), the norm is for kids to sleep with their parents.
The notion that kids *must* be trained to sleep alone is not for the benefit of the kids; it's for the benefit of the parents who will sleep more if they're not in the same bed as the kids. The kids have the large vulnerabilities and need the comfort, after all.
It will all work itself out as they grow up.
155
Yes, this is so true. Most importantly, because it is the norm to co-sleep, parents and children aren't shamed for co-sleeping, nor would they have to explain or justify these habits to a doctor.
43
Yup. My husband also co slept with his parents until he was ready to head to college at 16. My 25, 26, now 27 year old son will also move into our bed when he visits us in winter months, after watching something on netflix on the couch in our room...migrating into our bed somewhere in the middle of the night. Not so in the summer when we all need elbow room and its too hot to sleep close. My daughter lingers a lot in our room, but with eventually move to her bed in her room to finish up some reading. We welcome them, sometimes we tease them they are not little children any more, but its ok that they still want their mamma and daddy. Our dog loves to join in as well...
3
As an Asian person though, I would say that it's different that what is being portrayed here. First, kids might be sleeping in the same room but not necessarily in the same bed. Also, a lot of what is practiced is dictated by necessity: dense cities with little space or poverty. It is not a cultural practice or necessarily a choice.
My parents grew up in China and SE Asia and so did I as a young child. When money was available, kids were allowed separate beds or separate rooms.
4
Lara,
I understand co-sleeping has worked for many cultures. But sometimes co-sleeping can lead to separation anxiety in kids. They don't want to be sleeping over at a friend's house as they get older or go away to sleepaway camp. They feel anxious if away from Mom. Be careful about that -for both your kids sake and your own.
50
No
That’s not at all true. My son co sleeps with me. Never has had a problem getting to sleep at camp, at sleepovers, with his grandparents or babysitters
No one has the right to tell another parent how to do this job. But it seems in America, where there is no real support for parents especially mothers, everyone seems to delight in doing so.
2
I love sleeping next to my kids while they are young, even if it means less quality sleep. They smell lovely, even when they don't, I can hear them breathing, and my heart is full. No parenting book can tell me feeling safe and loved is bad. They'll go back to bed when they're ready.
308
In many cultures, sleeping with your children even when they are "older" is very common and natural (and sometimes necessary). It is also easier on the parents in many ways. Go for it!
46
My great-grandmother believed that (1) cake mixes and (2) baby beds were the work of the devil. Why? (1) How hard is it to mix up a few ingredients to make a cake for your family? and (2) Look at the animals, aside from snakes and such - the young sleep with their mothers. Now I indeed have used cake mixes (when I had the time for them), and my daughter had a crib. But she too (and I too) spent years as a migrator. Maybe that is how she, I, my sisters, my mother, and my grandmother, learned to travel, and travel light, across thousands of miles.
53
My husband walked out of our marriage shortly after the birth of our baby, while we were living in Europe. It was his choice to abandon the family.
I know exactly what you mean about snuggling, migrating, and sleeping together. It ended in its own good time.
209
Sometimes when I worry that I'm indulging my children on something, I remind myself: they won't be doing it when they're adults. I remember worrying about my 4 year old sleeping with us when he got pneumonia and then it became a habit once he was well. I worried that he was "too old for this". And one day, I realized it doesn't matter. He went back to his bed at 7, and he's 15 now.
Enjoy it now. It won't be forever. Nothing is.
323
There is nothing wrong with this. All mammals sleep with their children. Even adult mammals will sleep in a big pile with their family/relatives/neighbors. It's completely normal for human children, and parents, to share sleep, especially when under emotional stress or when mom or dad is gone a lot. The idea that babies and children must always be isolated in a separate room from their parents is a weird obsession of modern culture and comes partly out of late 19th century ideas about efficiency/Taylorism as well as anti-immigrant sentiment and fear of germs ("dirty" Italians and others would all share beds). The tradition of "real" Americans is to physically separate mothers and babies as much as possible--see the cruel and needless practice of taking all newborns away to the hospital nursery separate from mom right after birth, which was the normal and "correct" thing to do well into the 1980s, among other things. You are OK and you are doing the right thing.
412
Sing it, sister....from the rooftops !
3
This is so beautiful. What a lovely essay about motherhood and love and life.
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I once dated a divorced dad who had allowed his 10-year old son to sleep w. him on most nights when he had custody, since the divorce when the child was 2 or 3. His ex-wife did the same.
The first time I stayed overnight when he had his son too was one New Year's Eve. When the child realized that I wasn't going home, he called out to his dad. Next thing I knew, I was being sent home because the kid was upset. I lived an hour away & a long highway drive at 1 am on Jan. 1st was not even safe for me.
I soon realized that the child had become a kind of surrogate spouse to both of his parents and, in his mind, I was replacing him. There was never any effort to integrate me thoughtfully into their unit. I thought that unconsciously the dad was using his son to avoid commitment.
We broke up a few (painful) months later. co-sleeping might be ok in other cultures, but here, I think it only creates issues.
241
Wow, being sent home, alone? The breakup shouldn't have been painful to you. What kind of guy does this?
6
the only issue is you were dating a good parent who put his child first as he should
3
I'm not convinced that the sleeping arrangements had much to do with the father's failure to integrate you into their unit. The child could have slept with his dad as usual that New Year's Eve while you slept in another room, or on a couch, couldn't he?
6
Sadly I was of the generation that believed co-sleeping would harm a child irrevocably. My second child hated to sleep alone and “sneaked” into our bed almost every night. We dutifully carried her back to her own bed and listened to her sob herself to sleep. Happily she is a well-adjusted Mother herself now but I have always regretted my obdurate stance on this issue. Interestingly, her daughter (my granddaughter) is just like her Mother and when she visits me we always end up sleeping together. And I love and treasure those moments. Please follow your heart.
149
Thank you for sharing so honestly. A possible perspective to share is to consider what any action does to a child when it is motivated by the deep need of a parent. I have taught over 600 children and there are patterns that emerge with parenting styles. Children who are called upon to meet a parent’s needs often times are insecure, unsure and confused by the roles of adults. It appears that they sense when they are being asked to fill in empty emotional holes. Maybe because I work with young children and see these patterns I believe the parents’ role is to suck it up and do what is best for the child no matter what. Co-sleeping pops up in parent conferences. The pattern I see is that dads usually have issues with it and moms do not. I wonder about the needs and desire for intimacy. If both adults are all in, go for it. If one of the parents feels left out, slighted or that children are interfering with their sex life, I’d say you’re playing with fire.
147
The most rationale comment here.
1
I also co-sleep. The worst part of it is having to justify something so positive, normal and natural. Before my son was born I also believed (thanks to our societal norms) that children should sleep in separate beds in their own room, and even was critical of parents for co-sleeping. Well low and behold, my son was a terrible sleeper from the beginning. When I went back to work when we was 4 months old, out of sheer desperation and in order to sleep more than 2 hours a night, I put him in the bed with me. Perhaps parents who had good sleepers from the beginning or who didnt have to go back to work or who simply have more resistance to sleep deprivation cannot understand these choices. He is now 8 and still either sleeps the whole night with me or migrates to my bed. He is a lovely boy who has lots of friends and does well in school, so I dont belive that this is harming him. I realized that there are many ways to parent, and it is really much much more difficult to go against thousands of years of nature forcing a child to sleep in a separate space. I treasure every beautiful moment with him and know that it won't last forever.
151
Thank you Lisa. I am sad to see so many letter writers upholding the normative view that co sleeping is somehow bad for children. That view is simply a cultural, societal acceptance, and just ONE way to look at it. It got crowded in our bed with 4 children (born in a five year span) --as soon as they were each old enough to want more, or their own, space they each went to their own rooms one by one--usually at nine or ten or in the last case at eleven. All have grown up happy and healthy. My granddaughter is single and slept with her son since he was a baby--he recently decided he wanted to sleep alone in his own room-- he will be eleven soon.... no problem.
9
Thank you Lisa. In most of the world, in many cultures, children sleep with their parents.I am sad to see so many letter writers upholding the normative view that co sleeping is somehow bad for children. That view is simply a cultural, societal acceptance, and just ONE way to look at it. It got crowded in our bed with 4 children (born in a five year span) --as soon as they were each old enough to want more, or their own, space they each went to their own rooms one by one--usually at nine or ten or in the last case at eleven. All have grown up happy and healthy. My granddaughter is single and slept with her son since he was a baby--he recently decided he wanted to sleep alone in his own room-- he will be eleven soon.... no problem.
12
I totally agree. I also breastfed on demand and co-slept for as long as our children wanted: we are still married after 30 years and the children are very productive and well-adjusted young adults now. I always ignored all the rules in American books about putting babies in their own room and breastfeeding on a schedule, I thought they were totally culturally biased but sold as absolute truths. Ridiculous!
259
Exactly! American parenting books are culturally biased but present their recommendations as if they’re based on Universal truths. As parent I been curious about how children are treated in other cultures. I’ve found that a lot of the recommendations in American parenting books make things harder than they need to be, in ways that are not necessarily conducive to family happiness.
4
Absolutely! When our pediatrician advised me to stop breastfeeding at 18 months (many years ago), I tried for about one day. The baby and I were both looking at each other sadly and confusedly, and I realized it was silly to give up such a wonderful, natural form of affection and nourishment before we were ready. When he was ready, it stopped easily. Co-sleeping is the same. Why all the judgment? Oy!
2
Lara, We coslept for many years as a couple, without a divorce, with our 2 girls. Now kids are 12 and 13 and everyone is fine. Don't let them tell you different. It's ok that you enjoy that physical immediacy as well as your kids do. Give yourself a (thousand) breaks.
180
I would stay in my daughter’s bed till she fell asleep for years. Then one day she kicked me out; she was about 5. I missed it too. She is now a very well adjusted independent young woman. I think we are generally kind of hard on kids. Night is scary when you are small.
94
As a child advocate in abuse and neglect cases I urge parents to practice safe sleep with young children. I have had many cases where children were smothered in bed or even on a napping parent’s chest. A child over 12 months lost 5 toes due to circulation being cut off by a sleeping parent.
49
Seriously? Your ("professional") goal here was to scare parents (or grandparents) away from napping with their children? My wife and I did it for many years with our young children (one parent per kid - alternating - every weekend afternoon). I do it with my grandkids currently. Those quiet, restful moments of contact are some of the best parts of grandparenting. And an infant sleeping on one's chest? Priceless, and soothing for adult and child.
9
Three years ago, the mother of my son declared she no longer wished to be married. After every attempt to save the marriage failed, I filed for divorce. Despite her declared desire to not be married, she dragged out the divorce for over two years. While this was happening, I sold the four bedroom house that I had bought for us and rented a two bedroom apartment so my son could have his own room. From what I gathered, his mother was co-sleeping with him. I was trying to be the best dad I could, which in our society dictates finding a way for children to sleep alone in their own beds. Many nights I woke after falling asleep next to him on his bedroom floor, or in his reading chair. Now the divorce is past and the financial destruction is settled, my six-year-old son and I are sharing a one bedroom apartment because that’s all we can afford. We co-sleep each night he is with me. I knew this was coming so we practiced it for the last few months we had our two bedroom. It turns out he loves sleeping close to his father. It gives him much comfort and security. Our little dog also sleeps on a corner of the bed so the entire family unit is together. One day I’m sure he will want to sleep by himself and we’ll buy a sleeper sofa and toss a coin to decide who goes where. Until then, I’m happy to keep our co-sleeping arrangement in place and I don’t care for the judgement of anyone.
108
Good for you and your son, and your dog. We all need sleep and we all live life better unjudged.
1
Many serious points addressed here, and in the comments but, with no disrespect, let me attempt to add some levity, if not an alternative perspective: How nice it is to have a whole, big, beautiful bed to oneself, especially if a co-sleeper is itchy, twitchy, sneezy, wiggly, awake, snoring, unwashed, too hot or too cold, hogging or dumping the covers, checking email, stretching out diagonally, sweaty, complaining, has to get up really early, petting a co-sleeper pet – you get my drift...
47
Ha! Yes. My son was usually, though not always, in his own bed by the time he was about 6, but if he was sick, he would still come in sometimes, up till he was about 11 or 12. I found myself less enthused about the practice than I had been when he was small. My husband said it was like sleeping with a wolverine. Kicking, flailing, flopping back and forth, chattering ... I felt guilty about it but by then I was relieved if he went back to his own bed.
5
I am truly amazed at all the commenters who loved sleeping with their children, I am more amazed that none of these kids ever kicked, moved around, snored, took the cover or peed in the bed. C'mon people where are the parents of the wild sleeping children the ones you wanted to kick out 10 mins after they got there, they should be represented too.
53
Maybe you are only "truly amazed" because somehow, somewhere, people are getting a message that every story is a request for judgmental responses and for taking sides. Telling a story (which is what this piece is, mislabeled as an "opinion") is not a request for judgments. What happened to listening and accepting and respecting someone else's experience and point of view?
19
And did it matter? Did they do it at age 16? I think not. And did everyone sleep peacefully? No doubt. And is it anyone else’s business? Absolutely not. It amazes me that us westerners think we must spend time agonising over something so trivial, and over a practice accepted as standard in so many non-western countries, where people are too busy surviving to do anything but trust their instincts to nurture and more importantly, do whatever it takes for life to function normally - that is, to get on with it. If everyone sleeps, there can be no issue. This “dilemma” is purely one of our own western creation. First world problems alright.
65