Surviving the Long-Term Trauma of Sexual Violence

I am here to bring the good news that survivorship pays off; that if you keep working at the issues and stay clear of addictive substances, life gets really good. I was a kid and I was raped multiple times. It started working on it when I was in my mid-twenties. Now I'm in my early-50s. There where long years when I simply lived like all the "normal" people I saw around me: ups and downs, good days and bad; I truly thought I had PTSD whipped. (I hadn't counted on things like raising children.) But sexual assault is no longer the determining factor in whether or not I have a good life.

Thanks to the author and participants in this article which makes it perfectly clear to me that, after 50 years of never dealing emotionally with my own experience of sexual assault at age 21, back in the days when women were still virgins at that age, I need to finally see a therapist to open a deeply-buried cyst in my memory and see how it's affected my life, if only through the unconscious. It took the distressing 7 hours of Christine Blasey Ford confronting a sniveling Brett Kavanaugh to awaken my own painful memories of an event in my own past, one I suddenly have to consider was not just "sexual assault" but actual rape in the light of today's #MeToo ethical lens. I have decided to stop feeling proud about my own apparent resilience in dealing with that humiliating event by never talking about it to anyone, neither friend nor therapist, and try to unpack it with a therapist so that I can move on with the rest of my life. Many thanks to all the women who have shown the path to healing by talking about their experiences.

What can I do to be a "survivor"? Because I don't feel like I survived. Everything was taken from me. Therapy, medication, hospitalizations, incarcerations, addictions, recoveries, groups, talking about it till feels pointless. No one understands if they even believe me. Will I ever have an authentic emotion again? Or am I doomed to "life" in the "in between" because it sure seems more like purgatory. I feel more dead than alive. After 20+ years. Please don't get me wrong. This article/project is great. I'm glad to see some of my thoughts and experiences aren't finite and I'm not alone but some of us are still voiceless. "Bee"

Thank you.

I am a physician (MD) and I have an interest in a drug called lowdosenaltrexone (LDN). Initially naltrexone was used for addicts. A doctor found that a small dose, about one tenth of the usual dose, worked for numerous conditions. For years I have been prescribing it eg for fibromyalgia and numerous auto immune disorders. The main list is on the American website www.lowdosenaltrexone.org. Last year I came across a reference to post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and its effects on rape victims. A student was raped, spent several months in a psychiatric unit and came out on two antidepressants which did not work. I put her on LDN and six months later she was back in college, had a good relationship, was off the antidepressants and her only medication is 4.5 mg of LDN. Last year a patient of mine was in despair. Aged 52 he told me he was raped frequently when he was a boy. He described his quality of life as 0/10. On LDN it is now 5/10, He was reclusive, could not work or have a relationship . Now on LDN he is living with a girlfriend and working part-time. The range of LDN is extending all the time and now it is sometimes used in psychiatry. Apparently LDN is an antiinflammatory drug without the usual side effects and mental conditions have an inflammatory aspect.

My adopted son brought true awareness of sexual violence into my life. When he was 15, I become a mentor to Brandon. He had spent his life in an extremely abusive family situation, and received no support from his school system (outside of Boston). In his junior year when the assaults on him grew, he was banned him from the school; they sent teachers to the public library, rather than holding accountable those who were groping him, simulating rape, etc. I took Brandon in at the age of 18 when his family threw him out. He is 26, a graduate of The New School (3.9 GPA) and beginning his MA to go into clinical social work. Through Brandon I have learned what having PTSD and Anxiety Disorder is like, and what living with a survivor of sexual abuse in a loving, compassionate, and supportive way means. A few years ago Brandon discovered Hidden Water NYC, a volunteer nonprofit working exclusively in the realm of sexual abuse. Hidden Water uses the indigenous modality of healing circles. There are circles for survivors, circles for family members of survivors, circles for non-abusing parents, and circles for perpetrators. If each of those in a family unit has completed their own work, they will also conduct a family circle. Brandon trained as a circle keeper, and now leads for survivors. I have participated in a circle for family members, was trained and now keep circles for family members. We conduct circles in-person in Tribeca, and online. Healing is difficult, and is possible.

I’m afraid my perspective differs. As a victim of a violent rape (stunned, tied, raped by an intruder only to escape/run naked to a nearby convenience store) I think we all need to not fall prey to this victim mentality and move on already. Women are more likely than men to be victims of this form of abuse and we are only perpetuating the perception that we are weak and not worthy of promotion, advancement, a place at the proverbial table. We need to stand up, be strong, and be fearless. Sure it’s painful and traumatic.. but once we recover it’s time to reclaim our positions and not perpetuate this notion that we are weak.

This is a great piece, and it comes at a time where I truly believe that things are changing for the better. The photos make it some much more personal and palpable. As a man, even we “good guys” have a lot to learn about respect and how to treat others. We can all do better, and the people of my generation ( I’m 54), grew up in a very different time....we need to evolve.

Kate Ryan, Thank you. Thank you to the women who participated.You know all that writing on bathroom walls (that is now also in comments sections)? This should go there and also in looping public spaces like around parks where you see a stunning photo and walk up to read the text. You are strong. You are brave. You are beautiful. You are making us more human one story at a time.

I salute these women who were brave enough to speak about their experience. May their stories reached the corners of this Earth where victims seeks shelter from shadows and help them cope up with the stigma.

I had an experience where I was sexually harassed (assaulted) at school for about four months. This was in 1989. It was in between when schools got rid of the strap but before Ritalin and zero tolerance policies. I complained to my mother who told the school. It was seen as bullying and that’s the way I thought of it for years. But after #metoo I realized it was really a sexual thing. He was grabbing my grotch — feeling my thighs — every couple of days. My friends and I constantly plotted against him, although I was the only one he was touching. Eventually I took revenge in a way you might see in a movie and it was great! It did probably change my life, though. I am sometimes afraid of men and I often don’t like them near me, but I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. I remember at a party at uni I felt things were going south and I became hyper vigilant (I couldn’t leave because I was visiting a relative). I became pretty publicly prudish, but I think that’s fine. I could never tolerate a man who was mean and I married a great guy who makes me feel safe. For me I think a lot of positives came from this experience, including the ability to see the world as it is. At the same time, it makes me sad that my teachers couldn’t do anything. It started, by the way, in a sex ed class where he was sitting at a paired desk with me (paired by the teacher for other subjects). There’s a reason they separate the girls from boys, especially for sex ed, but at one time for everything!

Listen to these horrific accounts. Why rape isn't taken more seriously in our society baffles and saddens me to no end. Life in prison, ONE STRIKE.

I ask men if they have known a woman who was afraid of sex, afraid of men, and whether or not they talked to those women about a history of sexual assault. I also ask men whether or not they have talked to other men about making women feel afraid. Ask yourself, and ask other men to think about what they may be doing or have done to cause women's fear. Men may be aware of what they have to do protect themselves from other men, but they don't have to think about being attacked by women. Women have to spend so much time and energy to protect themselves from men, and then after rape, they have to spend the rest of their lives in recovery, as well as staying alert to a possible repeat attack. It's exhausting....

I echo the comments by sfdphd and Socrates: thank you to Kate Ryan and the other survivors. This work will help people to understand the aftermath of sexual assault. Suffering an assault changes a person and can permanently alter the course of their life. We live in a world in which sexual assault is denied, and its impact minimized. We who have been affected must speak up, because it's the only way everyone else will understand what has happened to us and how it has affected our lives. Everyone needs to know that there is an immediate impact, and then there are the long-lasting repercussions, which is what seems to be more difficult for the un-molested to understand. There are many aspects of being violated in this way that affect how others respond to a person who has been harmed. The un-violated want to preserve their good fortune and may unconsciously blame the victim. Others are discomfited by the pain, their own potential guilt, and their own vulnerability. I hope that it is true that the more people try to understand the suffering, the greater the understanding will be, and that the arc of the universe will continue to bend toward justice for all. I also hope we can devote sufficient energy to prevention. A person who carries out a sexual assault is a damaged person: damaged by upbringing or circumstance. In addition to keeping potential victims safe we need to stop the perpetrators from being harmed in the first place.

It is a lifelong sentence.....rape is a violent violation of body AND soul. I was eleven. ELEVEN. I still wanted to believe in Santa Claus. And I stayed silent and ashamed. No therapy. No support groups. No place to talk about it. I packed the memory away in a deep dark part of my brain. Forty five years later at my high school reunion I learned there were other victims. You see, our rapist was also our sixth grade teacher. I felt such a sense of sadness, relief, love, empathy, and gratitude toward my fellow survivors. We were children.....it was not our fault. I finally understood what a vicious predator he was. I do not know how many children (both boys and girls) he violated, but I know that night, so many years later, we found comfort with each other. Comfort and peace.

As a survivor, I thought I had put it all behind me. Even though I've gone through 4 major depressions since college, when it first happened. Even though my sex life had never been good, I'm inhibited and hardly ever get aroused. I thought I put it behind me because it's been 25 years, and there are some weeks when I don't even think about it. Then Harvey Weinstein hit, and the flood gates opened. I realize I am not okay - I haven't been for a long, long time.

Thank you. It's been 27 years and I doubt I'll ever forget it, but I finally stopped thinking about it every day. It helps (and hurts) to know I'm not alone.

The summer I was 18 (I’m now 61) I was babysitting for my 18 month old goddaughter, and after she was all tucked in I fell asleep on the couch in front of the TV. I was awakened when my head was jerked back by the hair and a butcher knife put to my throat. I never saw his face, and for many, many years it became every face I saw. Night terrors waking up screaming, paranoia, hearing that voice echo in my head over and over growling “I’m going to kill you”… I’ll never forget, never not be afraid to be alone at night without every door and window secured, and a plan to get away just in case, even as old and bold as I am now, alone in the house at night, I’m still that terrified 18 year old girl.

This makes me angry, sad and hopeful in equal measure. Angry and sad that it happens at all, and hopeful that these women have found some strategies ( at some level) to live/grow with the aftermath. I feel fortunate to never have been assaulted, and hope I can live out my life with that fortune... I was most struck by woman who said that there was no vocabulary equivalent for demeaning men in the same way that men demean and degrade women. I think that is so...it remains with us always in the background.

The trauma of rape goes on for a lifetime, but one can still have a life afterward--it's difficult, but it can be done. These women are so brave, and their photos are so beautiful. I wish them the best of everything.

Thank you for this. I just want to put in a word for male survivors too. I was raped when I was 4, and my trauma kicked in last year in a big way. I’m 45. Ptsd is crippling. I have suffered terrible panic attacks, the inability to work, rage, suicidal thoughts, etc. I’m finally getting help...working with a trauma therapist, receiving EMDR, attending a group for male survivors. Thanks again for doing this...very meaningful.

I have a five year old sensitive, beautiful daughter. I love her. And I'm so scared for her. What do I tell her, when the time comes?

I think that all of us who have been sexually assaulted can find ourselves here, or someone like us. I really wish that the men who assaulted us could read this, listen to us, and understand, but I suspect that the only way for them to "get it" is for them to be sexually assaulted, themselves, by someone bigger, meaner, scarier and more opportunistic.

Sharing stories and experiences is very important. But I would caution those who have been raped to not let the rape define you and render you a permanent member of a victim group. If 'rape victim' or 'rape survivor' becomes your primary identity it will rob you of all the positives in your life. Bad things happen to good people, every day, all day long... don't let that be your primary focus for the rest of your life.

Thank you to Kate Ryan, and to the amazing and strong women in this story. In telling your story, you are educating our men on the devastating impact of sexual assault. Thank you for your courage and willingness to be part of such an important project.

I was kidnapped and violently raped at 16 by my sister’s ex-boyfriend...I was a virgin. I married at 19, divorced at 35 and 43 years later have never been able to have a committed solid relationship because I cannot sexually surrender to a man.

Thank you.

We all have mothers and grandmothers, many of us have sisters, aunts, neices, cousins, daughters. We all grew up with girls around us. We smile and laugh, work and play with women, we have known and been around women all our lives. What is wrong with us? Thoughtless animals? Just grab 'em by the whatever? Is this who we are? Who we've always been? I don't feel comfortable.

I hope Kate Ryan will interview some male sexual-assault survivors because when guys get the message that they could be victims/survivors also, there might be a little less forced sexual activity and a lot more pro-active intervention, in my opinion.

Phenomenal series, thank you. I want to harness the intelligence, strength, and fury of these women (and all women w/ similar experiences--so many) and unleash it into our political climate. They're coming. We're coming.

Thank you.

Thank you all for speaking out and for having the courage to let other people know what happened to you. You have my admiration.

This is phenomenal. I appreciate that this is particularly geared towards women, but a part of me wishes that the stories of male (and transgendered) survivors were also included. There is a cruel irony in my particular cultural privileges: being a straight white male adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse is about as lonely as it gets.

Thank you for this article which I will share with my clients most of whom spent lifetimes recovering from child sexual assault.

Thank you for this wonderful piece. It is beautiful, heartbreaking and deeply inspiring. My gratitude goes out to the brave women who have shared their stories here, and my heart to everyone who lives with the aftermath of sexual assault.

Thank you for sharing.

I've always wondered why the act of rape and rape's impact, is difficult for some men to understand. I hope these stories help overthrow the stigma women and girls carry here and in other countries where rape is a lifelong sentence. I feel hopeful viewing the photos and hearing their voices.

Thank you Kate Ryan for doing this..... I am a survivor and will tell my story for the signed x project...

Kate Ryan and all of the other survivors have performed a great public service. Sexual violence is a horrific crime and must be outed, shamed, prosecuted and eliminated from human civilization. https://www.signedxproject.com/