The condemnation of the mother's affair and of her decision to tell her daughter about her lover and their long involvement is . . . strange, imho. So judgmental. So mean.
Why so eager to cast stones? Why not be glad there was love in the woman's life?
3
The idea that your parents’ business is not your own seems to me to be one for those who do not wish to live an examined life.
The way one’s parents lived in their marriage, both during your childhood and to a lesser extent during your adulthood, has bearing on your personality - sense of security, degree of selflessness, regard for societal institutions, boundaries in interpersonal relations, .., and much more. It usually bears on one’s own choices in partners and spouse, and in how one regards and works in a relationship.
The LW describes a long term lie on her mother’s part. One commenter suggests here that it is important for her children to know because they would benefit from knowing that she was loved. But it is just as important for them to know that she betrayed their father and lived this lie. The truth would allow them to interpret their relationship with HIM, and her, in a different light and in a way that may offer some forgiveness, greater peace of mind, and greater knowledge of self - all things that likely contribute to improving the quality of relationships with the living.
"But it is just as important for them to know that she betrayed their father and lived this lie."
Maybe "their father" "betrayed" their mother and lived a lie. Maybe he had a second family or was forty years older than his wives or was in prison or in an insane asylum. Et cetera.
But I agree that knowing the truth, however disagreeable it may be, is important. Genealogy reveals a lot of information that some people think should be kept secret. One example: people routinely lied (and lie) about their true ages. Easy to find the actual birth dates on Ancestry.com and other sites.
The college professor is bound to do what she was hired to do and is paid to do: teach the courses at the level they are advertised in the college bulletin.
If the students are able to grasp the material and do what the syllabus requires them to do as far as attendance, class participation, writing papers, taking tests, etc., then they pass. If they can't do the work, they fail.
Why would anyone think it would be ethical, after students had signed up for an advanced course in Latin, for the college to give them beginning lessons instead?
6
Unless you have a reason to believe that one of your siblings was the result of this affair, keep this to yourself. Your siblings have no "right" to knowledge about your mother's sex life beyond whatever she chose to share with them. Yes, there is inherent value in truth, but this is not your truth to tell, it was your mother's truth, and she made her choices about whom to confide in.
8
If it's possible that any of your brothers and sisters were sired by "the family friend", those siblings need to know for their own medical issues. Of course, once one is told, the cat is out of the bag and everyone in all of the families will know. This may include the family friend, his wife and their children. Do they deserve to be hurt? How will your aunts and uncles on both sides of your family react to this information? To these people, this will not be ancient history but will be a fresh wound. I don't see how any good can come out of whatever you do. Terrible spot in which your mother put you. All outcomes are bad.
2
No, they don't "deserve to be hurt." Being denied the truth of one's identity, paternity, ancestry, etc. hurts. They deserve the truth. Adults have a right to information about themselves.
3
I agree that the letter writer should tell the family. The real damage was done when the mother told the son or daughter about the affair. The mother will rest in peace no matter what comes out now. And I believe that this secret will eventually come out. DNA, a slip of the tongue, a discussion in the family. So it's best if the letter writer provides the information to her siblings who need to know.
In addition to possible health issues, some of the kids may stand to inherit something from their mom's lover. And the letter writer is free of this burden.
What a burden the mother placed on her child, the letter writer. Mom got the benefit of cleansing her soul by confessing her transgressions while her child carried this burden all these years. It's time to dump that load.
When my mother was dying, and I was asking her questions about her life, the family, and my deceased father, she told me, "Gary, there are things about us, our life, our marriage that you will never know." Now that's quite a beautiful gift she gave to me.
@Gary
IMO, the damage was done when the mother had the affair. Her telling the LW was infraction #2.
“…[your mother’s] post-mortem interest in the matter fades as time passes. So tell your siblings what you know — but be mindful of how much you still don’t.”
I’m stunned by this answer. I find NOTHING ethical about sharing a confidence. To what end? LR#1 does not know if his/her mother shared the information with anyone else, and it doesn’t matter one way or another. Unless there is a question that one or more of your siblings has a biological father other than the one who raised them, in which case medical and genetic factors may be important, there is no reason to “unburden” yourself and pass it on to others.
Beyond that, I’m puzzled why, after so many years, LR#1 would be experiencing angst over a parent’s long-past choices. The ethical thing to have suggested is that LR#1 seek professional counseling to examine his/her discomfort, discuss the issue in detail (which is missing here), examine the perceived "need to know," and understand possible ramifications before making a decision. To give offhand advice to share with siblings something significant enough to change how they feel about and remember their mother is nothing short of irresponsible.
17
I think so long after your mother's death the question of whether to tell your siblings about her affair becomes a pragmatic one rather than an ethical one. Will it be of benefit to them to know or not? Will if benefit you to tell them? Those questions can only be answered with knowledge of the people involved. I can't see any sensible basis on which to insist that you ought or ought not to tell them on a priori grounds.
6
Human beings have a right to family history, just as nations have a right to their countries' histories.
Of course it is "of benefit" to know. That's why every band of hunter-gatherers had a poet/historian/genealogist/griot/etc. It's one of our primary needs.
5
Why did the mother tell? What was the point? To relieve her own burning desire to blab? Maybe she wanted her children to know she had loved and been loved.
4
Nothing was said about "confidence."
2
This may sound naieve, but listen. A married woman does not have to have an affair to enjoy the company of someone other than her spouse. There appears to be too much drama in this story that urges me to shout: people, wives, husbands, mothers and fathers, can associate with people of the opposite sex and not instigate an affair. My suggestion is that this writer examine whether her urge to relay such a story, albeit directly from her mother, is more dramatic gossip and a better route might be to relay to siblings the richness of grandmother’s life.
1
“Not academically prepared ?” is the reason students are failing classes? The professor notes that they don’t have time for studying, a different problem. So it’s not clear whether he is a snob who won’t tolerate poorly written papers or a snob who can’t figure out how to make sure time challenged students get the most value out of class despite their challenges. Perhaps the class requires lots of memorization- is that valid for the goal of the class? Yes, there is an ethical issue of a different sort here: should a professor run classes based on some idea of tradition or an understanding of what really benefits students? The quandary appears to be the questionable values and culture of the professor.
1
If your mother confided only in you and did not tell you to share this information, then keep it to yourself and appreciate her trust in you. If she had not told this to you, and you found out another way, it would be an invasion of her personal privacy to share this with anyone. A parent's lovelife is not her/his kids' business.
8
Letter writer #1.
Why are you struggling with the knowledge of your mother's affair? You didn't make us or the Ethicist aware of your reason(s). Your parents are both deceased. Unless one of your siblings is really a half sibling, suggest you see a therapist and leave the others out of it unless drama is your real motivation. Too bad your mother felt she had to place her personal burden on you, her child, which wasn't actually your business. Why do that to your sibs and change their good memories?
10
Harsh to decide the mother was "guilty." Maybe she wanted her children to know she was happy. Loved. Maybe the lover gave her what she was denied by her husband. Maybe he was the father of some or all of her children, and she was giving them gift of truth.
3
See a therapist? Why?
What is the point of any human being telling anyone anything? Was the mother relieving herself of her "own burning desire to blab?" Maybe it was simply a desire to share with her children the truth about her life. Maybe she hoped they would refrain from prissy judgment and be happy for her.
Genealogy is now the 2nd most popular hobby for Americans. (It may have moved up to first by now.) With the ease of obtaining lists of relatives on DNA sites, more and more discoveries are going to be made. So be prepared.
Imho, it's best to tell the truth in your own words. Give names, dates, etc., rather than let your survivors try to piece together mysterious clues. Write it out with details, so they will understand.
Assuming mom told only you, keep it that way.
If she told the others, they already know.
7
Question #1
Advising someone to break a confidence says a lot about the author.
9
To LW1
Nothing positive results from revealing this secret. If this knowledge burdens you then seek professional help. Either your siblings already know or they don’t. If they know then they realize the knowledge is best kept to themselves. If they do not know then what good comes from you potentially altering the memories of their mother?
Memories are very personal. The same event can be interpreted in vastly different ways, especially over time. You are also assuming you know the whole story, which may not be the case.
8
The problem begins long before college. There are minimal educational standards in terms of content (facts, skills) to be learned.. E.g. no more cursive: is there such a thing as touch typing? A contestant on "The Bachelorette" swore the earth is flat. Aliens, anyone? All classes starting with KG should have online line equivalents with clear closed captioning. All college lectures should also be online with CC. Readings, relevant images should also be online. (and law school lectures and syllabi.) Coursera, EdX, Udacity should be known to all students. Gripping is easy. Doing something is hard. How about a useful blog for students learning the material with which you are familiar?? Teach yourself X,Y,Z. PS new educational model has students watching online lecture -- discussion and follow-up in the classroom. But IMO no reason why the majority of teaching cannot take place online. (International students sign on into Coursera, Udacity, EdX in droves. The Brits have very systematized online programs with learning materials delivered to people's dwellings. But in the US it's all about the stock market and creating garbage (consumer economy).
2
I couldn’t disagree more. Part of what makes college or university attendance so valuable is the real-time exchange of ideas that happens within class discussions, between and among the professors and students. It isn’t just about memorizing material. To be able to read something, synthesize it, present it to your peers, receive critical feedback, and absorb alternate perspectives in a way that enriches one’s initial understanding...these are of the utmost importance. Online learning is wonderful for skilled trades or straightforward instruction, but it is not for the person who wants a true liberal arts education.
We’re already entering an era in which young people have difficulty participating in meaningful discussions with those whose viewpoints differ from theirs; we don’t need to further erode the state of discourse by raising entire generations that will enter the (largely collaborative) workforce without knowing how to interact with anything but a computer.
I don't understand how this would solve the problem. I have taken classes in person and online. There are the same issues with students who know the material and those who don't, those who are prepared and those who aren't, etc.
And if you just mean a bunch of online material with no or little mediation by a teacher - well, I have taken those too. The vast majority of students (80%) don't even get halfway through the course.
6
The issue is, though, that the college is taking money from the student each time the student takes the course. If the student really needs to take four or five courses before they will be ready to pass the class the professor is teaching, this is basically a scam, and the student is the victim. Most defaulted educational debt is held by people who never earned a degree. Paying for classes over and over again could have a negative effect on a student's finances for decades. This is happening more and more.
4
In his faux-poignant plea, Tenured Professor clings to all the inane conventions of his trade--students should be prepared the moment they walk in the college door, a course should only be taken one time, offering remedial classes is unfair to those who don't need them, schools shouldn't treat their attendees as customers, and on, and on, and on.
The military allows recruits to repeat portions of their training, hospitals allow interns (& residents) to repeat rotations, lawyers can re-take the bar exam; the examples are endless.
Yes, many first-generation collegians are ill-prepared, and many of them need to hold jobs, and some of them have a fuzzy idea of the purpose of higher education--and so what? They are not there to fulfill your Platonic ideal of a university, they are there for their own selfish--but perfectly valid--reasons. The best of them will succeed, Your job is to help them, not parade your nobility.
4
The way to help the ill-prepared students would be to prepare them, by way of teaching to their level, but that requires an honest assessment of the students' skills/knowledge/abilities and the level of the course. On the flip side, if the course is made easier to accommodate these unprepared students, those who are prepared aught to know about it so they can (hopefully) skip over the course or take a more challenging version of it.
2
Throwing more money at the colleges won't fix the underlying problem students being unprepared. Yes, it may help the ones who need to work while attending school, but even if school was free, many would still be working to make ends meet (much of the benefit may be in reducing future debt burden as opposed to current cash flow).
IF more money is to be thrown at the problem, it might make sense to throw it at primary and secondary education. Even then, I'm skeptical that just money can fix the problem. Unless education is prioritized at the personal, family, and societal levels, all the money in the world won't matter.
I am the child of two alcoholics who knew more about my parents' sex life than I ever wanted to know. I learned of my mother's affair via my sibling, who added details I could have gone through life without knowing. I can heartily affirm that parents' sex lives are none of their children's business unless said parents are molesting children or others incapable of giving consent.
11
If I had been told by a parent about his/her affair, I wouldn't even consider telling a sibling! What would be the point other than to relieve my own burning desire to blab? If LW has managed to control herself for 18 years she should pat herself on the back and go about her own business.
15
Mothers often tell daughters (and sons) intimate details they DO want shared.
And why assume "the secret" was "toxic?" Maybe its "many years' duration" was the happiest part of the mother's life. Joyous. Life-sustaining. Glorious. A perfect antidote to the stultifying dullness of an arranged marriage to an old grouch.
Maybe she wanted her children to know about that happiness.
But she only told one of them. We can't know why. The only question is: is it ethical to tell, or ethical to withhold, this information. Our fantasies as to the mother's feelings about the affair, and her reasons for telling one sibling, are not relevant to the ethical discussion, because they are unknown and unknowable.
You don't know that the mother "only told one of them." She may have told all of them.
As my father the law professor would say, “A liberal arts education is like furniture for the mind”.
2
To the first LW - your mom probably told your other siblings who have believed they were the only ones privy to her confession. They may be wondering whether to share this with you.
2
#1 - It's been 18 years. Is your telling this "information" for their benefit or yours? Mom and Dad can't speak to the issue. What makes you so sure your siblings will believe you? Should they? Or are you the sister that knows it all and we have all done this dance with you for years? What is your motive? Certainly isn't going to reverse the past, and don't be surprised if the response is either, "Thanks for sharing, what took you so long?" Or "Yeah, I was in the family too, Sis. You think we didn't know?" Mr. Appiah needed to put a bit more thought into his Ann Landers answer.
6
I don’t care why a student decided to attend college.
Your ethic is to teach. Your job is to do the best you can.
You occupy a lofty position, and your tenure grants you safety.
If you compromise your ethics, you are teaching your students to be expedient and compromise theirs too.
Ethics become particularly messy when they conflict with maximizing the “bottom line,” whether that is money directly or personal advancement.
Compromise will probably improve a student’s chances to advance in business, just as it will your own. That is one of the dynamics of life’s tests.
Teaching someone to become a better person just may be the purpose of education.
I have never met anyone who said, “I wish I hadn’t attended college.”
3
There is no way that the sibling can give a complete and neutral report of his mother's affair. There is also no way to truly know what the mothers motivation was for telling her child (I have no idea what the mother was like, but it is a fair assessment that she was capable of deception for her own gain and benefit in at least some instances). So spilling the beans can at best resolve nothing. Also, it is not really the children's business, as difficult as that is to type.
Regarding the professor: she/he is pretty much a cog in a system that is so screwed up it might be better to tear it all down. The myth that colleges and universities are somehow above rapacious capitalism is on a level with our President's tweets. The willingness to "pass" students who don't belong there can be addressed by spending billions on the junior college system, but that only helps students. The college/university quest for profits is best explained by campus rules and secrecy regarding sexual assault statistics and reporting. Nothing "bad" can get in the way of limiting profits. Higher education has become just another Big Capital institution.
3
Re College Professor:
College used to be a place for motivated, sophisticated, mature kids to satisfy their thirst for knowledge or pursue a passion. They were sent there by parents who shared that passion and either had the means or scrimped and saved.
They then sent their children to the university they could afford. There were private schools that offered a better education and states schools.States built massive, publicly funded and supplemented university systems to provide an affordable education to residents.
College wasn't vocational school. We had those. It's where kids went to learn a trade.
Today college is attended by kids who have neither passion nor aptitude. They skate through high school then are encouraged by their parents to attend the best school money can buy, even though the parents have no money. These parents can't save a nickle over 18 years. They do, however, manage to have a new iPhone, BMW lease, multiple $150 football, basketball and baseball jerseys, tattoo, regular dinners at the sushi restaurant, trips to "the islands," Starbucks every morning...
Based on recent news of hazing, date rape, violence, etc. it's safe to say that college is now a place for philistines. High school with more booze.
Most colleges allow students to drop classes if they do so fairly early in the term.
Rather than dumb-down, why not ramp up. If you and your colleagues made the first few weeks harder maybe more kids would drop out early and save themselves.
5
Your fantasy of the luxuries that parents have is so far off base as to astonish. It conjures memories of Reagan's lobster-eating Cadillac-driving welfare mothers. Solutions to our educational problems won't be found in hyperbole or contempt for people you don't know. If we became a people who read again, actual books, instead of the nonreaders we often are, that would be a start. A campaign for reading might start. But sneering and scolding as you do here is fruitless except as an exercise in bile, I am sorry to say.
5
Agree that the person to whom the mother entrusted the secret should tell the siblings. The mother probably hoped the secret would be revealed and told the person she thought most likely to tell the others.
If she didn't want her (and her lover's) children to know, she wouldn't have told.
2
Mothers often tell daughters intimate details they don't want shared. Especially when age makes the secret less toxic to the mother than to the daughter.
Say nothing.
5
If the mother "probably hoped" the siblings should know, it was hers to share with them.
3
OR, perhaps she told the child she thought least likely to tell the sibs. The mom may have revealed the affair to relieve her guilt or other burden and used LW1 as a means to an end--consciously or unconsciously. LW1 does not disclose the circumstances of mom's revealing the information. suddenly? Unguardedly? What was dad/husband like? Emotionally distant? Possibly verbally or physically abusive? LW1 seems sure his/her sibs do not know. Why is LW1 certain of this? Mom said so? Could someone else have told the sibs? Could they have surmised what occurred? Did dad surmise or tell? Friends? Relatives of the sibs or the lover? Mom and LW1 are not the only components of the family systems here.
LW1, after all these years, should work with a neutral third party, bound to confidentiality, to discover his/her motives for considering disclosure and, importantly, how the mom's revelation has already affected LW's relationships, including with sibs. BUT the LW must absolutely think long and hard before revealing the affair to the lover's children, if any--as you suggest. Why? To avenge LW1's dad? Even if mom wanted the affair divulged to her other kids, as you believe, would she have wanted it divulged to the lover's kids? If, on reflection and consultation, LW1 divulges to sibs, s/he has no duty nor right to divulge to the lover's kids, unless there is more to tell than is in L1--such as a half-sib.The dead may have no right to privacy nor should they impose an obligation to reveal.
1
Re: Mom's affair.
I've given this a lot of thought. My father died 20 years ago. He fathered 5 children in 2 failed marriages. I'm the oldest of 3 from his 1st marriage. My father was never faithful in either of his marriages - & tried to involve my brother & I in covering up his adultery. I once overheard a bitter argument between my parents about his numerous affairs. My father subsequently married a much younger woman & had 2 more children. Now in their 30s, my 1/2 siblings were 6 & 16 when he died. They both have idealized memories of him & one has a daughter she named after our father. My brother & I remember our father as an intelligent successful man who had secretive abusive personal relationships. My brother's memories of him are bitter & I had therapy to deal with my relationship with my father. Because my 1/2 siblings were so young when our father died, their memories of him are very positive & uncomplicated. After he died, my stepmother referred bitterly to his infidelities in front of them - which I suspected they didn't understand. I don't see my half-siblings often but I wonder if disturbing memories from their childhoods will catch up & negatively impact them eventually. I've chosen to leave them with their memories of our dad from their childhoods - I don't plan to tell them things about him it would pain them to know. But it's disturbing to be left with a dead parent's baggage.
11
Tenured professor would be better served if he, his fellow university employees, the students and their families petitioned their state government for better funding higher education funding while at the same time be willing to pay the additional taxes needed to finance that funding. Solve the underlying problem(s) and the the other problems will be easier to deal with.
4
Georgia State University in Atlanta has received national attention for its mentoring program for first-time students who have difficulty adjusting to college. If this was imitated nationwide, it would solve at least some of the problems that the professor has outlined.
The problem of students lacking skills for advanced work would be partly fixed if colleges did a better job of determining pre-requisites. ( I once attended a class that got slowed down because a lot of the students didn't understand the math and the professor had to explain it to them, throwing off his schedule.)
In short it is colleges, not individual processors, who need to do more work.
10
Tenured professor says not a word about how he has changed his teaching strategies to best serve the new generation of students entering his classes. To me that strongly suggests he is a major problem and would best serve by resigning his position.
2
Do these classes also have weekly discussion groups led by TAs? My daughter, an honors student, benefitted from those weekly groups, especially in difficult classes. Also, are students tested and enrolled in remedial classes if they need to be? Do professors serve as advisors and mentors to a group of students? All of these things were part of college when I attended and when my children did. Support might be harder for students who work long hours but they should be offered.
10
We are a strange country. We underfund public education and drive families into debt for the costs of entertainment and appearances, but not for learning. Then we pack kids off to colleges that charge tuition for remedial courses to cover for inadequate public school education.
The professor, like the rest of us, should advocate for better public schools.
19
Should I Tell My Siblings About Mom's Affair? It's not fair for a parent to reveal to one child about the other parent's affair, upon their deathbed, or any other time. This happened to me, and I felt it was highly unfair of my father to reveal this to me, and then ask me to continue keeping the secret, which in this case produced two half sisters. When I asked him why he had not revealed the truth to my sisters, he simply said: "I raised them as my own, and I did not want to lose their love, once they realized I was not their biological father". Yes, this about him was admirable, not very many men would have done this, while remaining married to my mother, but to burden me with this family secret, I felt was very unfair to me. So, I chose to tell my sisters; I thought that as grown women, they should be able to handle the truth. Instead, they shunned me for telling them, said it could not be true, accused me of speaking ill of the dead, and have never spoken to me again.
I do not regret telling them the truth, as it was finally revealed to me, but I did not expect their reaction. There are people who prefer denial to the truth; in this case, even when a simple DNA test would have put the question to rest.
18
Professor, I have no doubt that everything you say is true. But if your college admitted only qualified applicants and flunked out those who could not or would not do the work, would you have a job? It seems to me that the principal beneficiaries of this admittedly flawed system are the college faculties and staff.
At the same time, there are many jobs that require a college degree, not to do the job, but to get it. The students know this, and thus they want the piece of paper even though they don't really want to go to college, or don't have time to do the work. Who can blame them? And your college is fulfilling this legitimate need.
So, if you focus on what really matters, your school is fine and you are fine.
4
I disagree, and for the reason stated in the letter. We have a local college that has recently gone through similar changes. But most high school students and parents are not aware of this if they work outside of academia. So they throw teens of thousands of dollars at the school, only to be disappointed, to have to consider transferring, or to be unprepared for the next step in life.
It is also just kicking the can down the road. I know people who teach in the masters program in this same school, and it is discouraging when those with a BA can't do the work. They don't want to just pass these students since they are training them for real world jobs like therapists and guidance counselors, and not fair to clients if the people can't do the work.
If a school has changes it's philosophy of education, it needs to be transparent about it and not rest on previous reputation.
It is also not fair to an entire generation. Employers will say they are lazy or stupid but really their education has failed them.
2
Several thoughts on college education:
Given the high cost of a degree, it is proper to question "Is it worth it?" Many of the students who graduate from college are going to be burdened with debt for decades. Would a technical school be a better fit? What about a Community College? Is it possible for a 4 yr institution to refer unprepared students to a community college? They might get more support and would save substantial costs while they decide if a college education is right for them. Many students are now spending their first two years in a community college and then transferring to a 4 year institution for their degree. Lastly is a 'Liberal Education' worth the cost? It would be possible to cut a degree to maybe two years if just those courses relevant to that particular degree were taught. Is all the other course work really necessary or is it welfare for Liberal Arts professors?
4
I think the situation is somewhat worse than the professor describes. Many schools have adopted mandatory grading curves that force grades into a certain pattern irrespective of the quality of the students' work. Grades lose their meaning; today's B may be yesterday's C or D+.
I agree with the professor that the chief cause of this particular phenomenon is economic, but an underlying--and in my view more important--cause is our society's devaluation of education. Good education is expensive, and requires highly intelligent and dedicated teachers. But, as a society, we do not pay our teachers nearly enough to attract the best people and keep them. That is unfortunate for all of us because it shortchanges the students, the teachers, and the rest of society. People gripe about school taxes without realizing that without good schools, society decays. People become unable to think critically, which leads to knee-jerk reactions to complex problems.
The only thing more expensive to a society than having a first-rate educational system is not having one.
17
To the professor and the change in standards, this is a common problem and I suspect will grow as more for profit colleges pop up. With the change of administrations in DC they are lifting regulations on these institutions.The ideal student for these colleges is the one who fails a few classes but continues on. They are the "cash-cows."
7
There's no right or wrong answer about telling you siblings - or your family - about your mother's affair (that's part of what makes it an ethical question). My brother died without knowing and I had no need to tell him. If you think it would be helpful to share, as a better understanding of your parent's relationship, ask. You can ask by having a conversation that includes questioning your sibling's perceptions. In my mother's case, she had a 10 year affair that stopped when my father died. I have no doubt it's what made it possible for her to stay in the marriage, which was vital to my father's well being. As a teenager, I knew what was happening. So did my father, I'm sure. Although she never told me at the time, she knew I knew. I didn't love her any less or think she was a bad, cheating person. The comments I've read seem to imply an affair could not have been a good thing and it reflects poorly on the person having it. My friends and some of my cousins know, and it didn't tarnish their opinion of her. Perhaps, in part, because of how I told them. This is not a black and white issue or situation. I don't think you can generalize to everyone.
20
Very sensitive reply.
4
The university in my small, rural community (Western Oregon University) has an office dedicated to providing services to first-in-family students. The U recently was recognized for having the highest graduation rate for latino students of any university in the country.
Are these two things related? You bet they are.
30
I loved WOU! I camped there for Eclipse. As a former college teacher I was so impressed with the students, campus, etc. I would love to teach there.
9
Letter Writer #2: Do the best job you can for your students. Give them realistic advice if they ask for advice. Explain the purpose of assignments and the value to them of being able to do these assignments.
Yes, it used to be easier, and yes, people who are unprepared and unmotivated are harder to teach. But your job is to teach the students you have.
Of course you should use your faculty senate, or your faculty union, and your political power, to set up remedial classes, to develop liaisons with the local high schools, and to work with employers in your area to strengthen the economic incentives for students who have succeeded at more challenging college work.
But for the students who, for whatever reason, wind up in your classroom, you owe your best efforts. Even in the good old days, you occasionally got an especially weak class, or an especially strong class, and made adjustments.
There's a lot of literature on working successfully with non-traditional students. You, your faculty colleagues, and your student affairs officers, should be aware that there are strategies that work better than what you used to do.
24
The business model has been corrupting the academy in the same way it has corrupted our government. Students at community colleges and state universities are considered consumers, administrators are well paid, high level managers, and faculty have become service providers who are evaluated on their ability to satisfy students. The model purports to give students “what they want,” in other words, a degree, while failing to give them the chance to discover what they might find worth struggling to attain: a real liberal arts education. The business model focuses on creating a new working class of young people who hold diplomas but have no idea what they might have been able to learn had they chosen (and been chosen by) a better brand, that is, a private college.
This sounds cynical, I know, but after decades in the trenches of higher education, I face this heartbreaking conclusion daily. The people who make the most money and wield the greatest power are the administrators. The people who are the actual educators are treated with disrespect bordering on contempt. The students have no idea that their tuition is supporting a system that cuts curricular programs rather than increasing the taxes of the wealthiest citizens.
The system is designed to discourage intellectual rigor and to disparage the value of hard work. If a class is too demanding, the consumer/student complains. The ones who know the most about learning, the teachers, are expected to comply. Education loses.
26
Question # 1. No way Jose. Let her rest in peace, let your siblings have peace of mind. Let them remember the woman you each knew, as your mother.
23
How does LW#1 know that mom didn't tell the other siblings & they've all been keeping the big secret each to themselves for 18 years?
41
College administrations have lost their professional responsibility.
They have forgotten what their responsibilities are, and instead embraced consumerism and all manner of number games, all the while increasing their share of the college budget while treating the teaching profession as disposable adjuncts.
No profession can operate without adherence to ethical standards. Law, medicine, research, everything can be easily corrupted when ethical standards are ignored and some greed based system takes over.
A college education isn’t for everyone and high school students need to know they can make excellent lives for themselves pursuing mechanical and construction trades, among others.
College professors should have the right to do their job ethically—- teach the appropriate material as well as they can, offer reasonable help, and assign student students the grade they have earned. Administration needs to honor ethical work by faculty, and might try remembering their own mission.
If only those who did those college ratings included number of classes taught by adjuncts in their ratings system. Not that adjunct professors don’t teach well. Those that do this as their life work deserve a living wage with benefits.
27
As a retiring professor, I share the writer's concerns. Regarding Kwame's suggestion to "discuss it with your colleagues," I'm somewhat pessimistic. My university has recently pushed to get more students (typically freshmen) to pass "bottleneck courses" (the euphemism for tough courses -- often introductory science courses -- that a high percent of students fail). The university has tired various programs, such as "supplementary assistance" (i.e., study sessions and tutoring outside of regular class time), but most students--and especially those who would most benefit from it--don't take advantage of them. Subtly and incessantly the higher-ups in the university push faculty to relax standards, both in terms of course content and grading. And increasingly, students are poorly prepared for university work and poorly motivated to pursue it. Those that do graduate are often poorly educated, lacking basic reading, writing, and quantitative skills. We are in a downward spiral to mediocrity.
52
This was my experience many years ago when students were clearly not meeting basic standards. The money that my department needed from continuing students made failing students (who were failing on every measure) something we were asked to consider. I am not surprised that this is the ongoing dilemma for professors - integrity in our profession is being compromised as enrollment trumps all other considerations.
15
I have 40 years of working in higher education, editing, marketing, and selling textbooks. I think that the ethicist lays out the dilemma very well. The move toward student as "consumer" has removed the notion that students are the ones responsible for their education. Certainly, the institution has a responsibility to provide instruction and resource for learning, but you can't force students to learn or to want to learn. Many administrators have removed the ability to flunk students and are more concerned with retention at all costs. As the writer notes, students want the piece of paper, not the education. And, so is it any wonder that industry is unhappy with the applicants that they see. There is an attitude or approach of doing what you can do "to get by." Can I pass the course without the textbook? Yes, then let's not buy one. Can I pass the course and not attend class? Yes, then why bother attending. It's not about learning and education, it's about a piece of paper. Happily, there are places where learning is still going on. Check out the good liberal arts colleges. And if you're looking for a young employee to hire then choose the English major from one of those schools rather than the business major from the school where you can "get by." You'll get an employee who can think, learn, and grow in the position.
51
I have known people whose parents divorced after40+ years of marriage. Most were shattered- in their minds, what they thought their childhood was like turned out to be a lie. This brings no comfort. If your mother had wanted your subs to know, she would have told them.
I fully under the college situation. My late husband was a high school math teacher who supplemented his salary by teaching nights and weekends. He taught in the Prep Division if the local university- students who either had not taken the necessary prep courses for college math or who had graduated years before. They were reasonably motivated though often in over their head intellectually. At night, he taught a math course for nursing students at the community college. No motivation, none to bright. He always said he hoped he never got one as his nurse!
12
It is appropriate that Matthew Arnold is quoted concerning American universities having two missions, one the liberal arts and the other preparation for careers. Arnold was decidedly one sided on this subject. When my alma mater, Cornell, was founded in 1865, he was aghast. There was career preparation for engineers, architects, medical doctors, and plant geneticists, and others. Therefore, where these were allowed to be present, true learning could not exist. He mourned that there could therefore be no liberal arts, which he called "sweetness and light", there.
8
Education is no longer valued. The current occupant of the White House is as ignorant as they come. His supporters are prime examples of the dumbing down of America. LW#2, teach to those who are there for the education and not just the diploma. One more educated person is better than none, plus you’ll feel better about yourself.
48
Death bed confessors, if you are on your way out, keep that baggage to yourself.
If you happen to be on the receiving end of the soul cleanse, keep your mouth shut. There will be no good to come from it, and you're now as guilty as the confessor.
36
Just stop funding this nonsense from the financial aid officers, to the banks who are protected from bankruptcy. Loan money to students based on ability to succeed just like you would loan money for a house based on ability to pay. Finally, change the law so that banks are subject to financial risk and students have bankruptcy protection.
Within a couple years the quality of the students will improve.
19
As a professor for 30+ years, I can confirm the concerns of the professor who writes about changes in students, the classroom & the university in the past 10 years. Many students are unprepared for College-level work. I see students driven only by passing the course. Few students reach out during office hours to discuss material. There are few questions in class. Students are using laptops in class; often on social media. Many students do not attend class. Students are often angry at the Prof if they fail, or do not get the grade they need. I know Profs that pass everyone - this is a disservice to students who have passed on merit.
The scenario is different from when I began teaching.
The University counsels faculty to provide assistance & support. The vast majority of faculty are ready and willing, but the students do not materialize. They may email asking a question. Frequently the answer requires a lengthy written response. I find this inefficient & offer to meet students at their convenience. My experience-and that of other faculty-is students do not show for these appointments the majority of the time.
So what can we do? As faculty, I see knowing my material & being able to present it such that students can learn as my major responsibilities. It is not entertainment. Nor, is it easy for students. I often think that is where the problem might lie. Both the faculty & the student have obligations. The subject matter requires study to be learned. There is no substitute.
58
I think this is the natural outcome of treating the students as consumers and education a commodity to be purchased.
36
Clare makes good points, in this post and elsewhere. But here is another perspective. In the 1960's I took courses from a young professor who rose quickly in his field. He advocated what he called the "filling station" philosophy of education. When you needed to learn something, you drove to the university and it filled you up. Before you call him a yahoo, be aware that the courses I took from him were advanced Medieval Latin, and his primary teaching field was an esoteric and quite philosophically deep area of British Literature. He thought that many people would feel a need for the liberal arts under his preferred education system, and would therefore apply themselves to learn it rather than hate going to class.
1
The college is downgrading the income value of its degree. Short term gain for long term damage, the current American business plan. I'd advise my students to take a lower class load if they are also working, and take longer to get the degree so that they leave with an education not a piece of paper. A degree can get you in a door, with a better starting salary, but a lack of skills or thinking skills can get you sidelined or fired. We don't actually know the lifetime value of a watered down degree because the college-industrial complex is reasonably new. Most people retiring out of their jobs grew up in a time when college was not a minimum requirement. 30 years from now may show that only certain colleges have any income value overall, and the rest were bad investments.
36
LW1: If there's a chance that the "family friend" is actually the father of 1 or more of your siblings, then they have a right to know.
53
This was my first thought. The siblings should know so they are aware of potential paternity issues.
9
Parents have a right to privacy in most instances but not this one, especially now that siblings can easily determine if they share the same father or not through DNA tests.
LW#1, When someone dies, we often say, "Rest In Peace". Allow your mother to do so. Unless there is a credible reason to believe you or one of your siblings was fathered from your mother's affair, then take the knowledge of the affair to your grave, something your mother ought to have done.
LW#2, I wonder if a root cause of the problem of unprepared students being accepted to your state university is a growing tendency of state legislatures to cut back on the funding for their universities? That would force the university administration to undertake means to maintain or increase revenue to support or improve its functions and facilities.
But part of the problem of unprepared students rests with high schools that aren't rigorous enough to prepare their graduates for college. Fault also rests with state boards of education that mandate state tests that fit a narrow curriculum. High schools teach to the confines of the test so their state evaluation looks good.
18
LW#2, college professor: Your unprepared students don't realise that in the long run they're sabotaging the very benefit they expect to derive from a college diploma. The value of a degree has already been undermined by the hordes of students who got straight As just for showing up and not throwing chairs through the windows. Credentials inflation will soon be at the point where you'll need a Ph.D. to get a fast-food job; anything less will not guarantee toilet training, much less basic literacy. And Third World grads who actually did the work will eat their lunch.
LW #1: Welcome to adulthood, and the realisation that your parents are/were separate beings beyond their relation to you, and ultimately strangers. (I've often wondered who my parents really were; sometimes I saw the spectres of that GI, that nurse, longed to ask: if you could go back to 1944, knowing how it would turn out, would you do it all again? Any of it?) As for sharing with sibs, only you can guess - possibly incorrectly; they're strangers too - how they'll take the revelation. What exactly do you hope to accomplish? Is the lover still alive? How did/do sibs feel about him? How do they feel about infidelity in general - though even for the laid-back and tolerant, it's always different when it's *your* parents! -? If it's going to shatter existing friendships, or risk a sib turning up at the lover's nursing home with a shotgun, honesty is not the best policy, especially when Mum and Dad are gone.
25
LW1 - I find it ever more tiresome that so many today feel they have some right to know all about the private lives of their parents - they don't. After all, do they think they, then or now, owe a detailed account of their personal lives to their parents, including every peccadillo, affair, etc.? Something tells me most would say NO! There is little to be gained in most instances - and certainly not in this one - of revealing this matter. Let it rest.
LW2 - This letter raises many said issues. As the Mr. Appiah describes it, the classic consideration of traditional liberal arts education was and is of great value - but as we have seen, it remains that in name only at many institutions. Students study less than ever, can major in the most useless degrees, and the aim for many is just to get a piece of paper that many employers ask for even when the jobs in question (most, to be frank) do not require one; the proof of the latter is that in most cases ANY degree seems to cut it.
This is why I view much of higher education today as the "educational industrial complex" a vast machine aiming to enroll as many students as possible, raking in as much money as possible (all of those administrator and fancy brochure decorating buildings don't come cheap), and feeding into the "everyone needs to go to college" schtick. The government compounds this with many of their programs and requirements. Yet the students often know little. Sad.
22
"I find it ever more tiresome that so many today feel they have some right to know all about the private lives of their parents" - Fine, but this isn't about whether the letter writer "had a right to know" about his mother's affair. The issue is that she told him.
32
Yes, but the LW tells us, “...I have been struggling with whether this information is something my siblings have the right to know...”. I argue they don’t, it’s none of their business and certainly not “a right”.
2
LW2: What we're witnessing is the slow death of a once great education system. Talented people used to come from all over the world to attend college in the U.S. Fewer and fewer do now. Part of that may be due to the political climate here but part is due to the decreasing quality of education as administrators focus on numbers not quality.
34
I've been an adjunct instructor for 9 years, having started my "career" at the community college level, and I can certainly understand and agree with the issues within higher education highlighted in the dilemma. I teach freshman English courses and over the years I've developed curriculum with unusual themes for my courses that most don't expect, making my teaching interesting for them as well as for me, but I never cut them any slack. One student has said I'm tough, but I'm fair.
I'm always upfront about the fact that a college degree is no guarantee to the security they seek, but I do say that had it not been for my two degrees, I wouldn't be standing in front of them. Education creates opportunities, but it's up to you to leverage that degree. What are you going to do with the knowledge you gain here? Every semester I ask these questions of my students.
I feel I can do more at the freshman level, putting them through their paces by not only teaching them writing, but also the demands of college life, i.e., meeting deadlines, communicating issues, study techniques, seeking assistance without being told to do so.
If we, the professors, really believe in the importance of our discipline and its purpose in the world, then we should be able to circumvent some of those difficulties through creativity.
52
I don't know where you teach, but none of the schools in my area pay enough for adjuncts to spend any time on their courses. The reason I stay at the community college is because of my department head, who openly refers to the adjunct situation as exploitation and gives us almost complete autonomy over our classes.
28
"So tell your siblings what you know"
Wait! First make sure they have opted in — to learn something very private that your mother once told you. If so, *then* tell them.
14
LW 1, Let your parents and their deeds go. Your evaluations and business with them, much less "struggles", are wasted time without any earthly use. And visiting them on your siblings would be no favor to them or anyone. There must be other, more reasonable matters with which to occupy your thoughts.
47
Excellent comment - Thank you...
6
The root of the problem with some colleges is the requirement that job applicants have a college degree, even for jobs that have little to do with a college education. This developed in the '70s and '80s and greatly increased the demand for college degrees but not for actual college educations. Many colleges took advantage of this economic opportunity, and it has caused some of them to lose their soul.
65
I taught at colleges and at high school. Everything about this letter rings true. Not everyone is best served by attending university. Along with all the other help recommended, we in education ought to help students by suggesting they examine themselves to see if they and society might be best served if they not attend until they are prepared academically, financially and and emotionally to do what a college degree requires of them.
43
For most of them, that will be never. People without college degrees can not save enough to ever be financially secure.
2
That is just plain false. Union electricians, welders and plumbers come to mind. Talk to a social worker with a Masters Degree about financial security....
7
Clare - to the first part ("For most of them, that will be never."), "most" might be a stretch, but you are right, for many, they shouldn't go to college, especially if they are not prepared for it. To go unprepared will likely lead to dropping out, with only debt (or loss of savings), lost time, and dissatisfaction/loss of confidence.
As to the second part, utter hogwash! There are plenty of ways to be financially secure (that don't involve too much luck) that don't require a college degree. They may require education (like a trade), but not necessarily a college degree.
Re LW #1: If it had been my mother, I would want to know. I would not have been the confidant, and there were in fact important things I didn't know about my own family for a long time. I am the casual family historian, and I find that the secrets and lies obscure that history--which is a part of our larger story.
18
I would first like to know why LW #1 is asking this now, after remaining silent for 18 years. What changed? Or has he been in torment over this question all these years? I feel like some key to his motivation is in this information, and I'd like to know more about it before I could consider the ethics. I don't think the (long-deceased) mother has the right to her son's silence on the matter; on the other hand, I don't think he's necessarily morally obligated to tell. It would be a complicated calculus of who might benefit from the information and who might be hurt - including the letter writer; his/her feelings count, too. But sometimes people feel a need to "tell" in cases like this in order to hurt someone, and if so, it's someone still alive, since the dead can't be hurt. For instance, does he perhaps want to get revenge on a sibling who he felt was favored by his mother, by disillusioning the sibling about her character? Or does he feel resentful at carrying this burden, and want someone to share it with? Or does he feel perhaps his siblings already suspect, and it would be a kindness to confirm their feelings on the matter? There are many possibilities.
55
I suspect it may be as simple as that the first LW is getting older and realizing that if they don't tell their siblings soon, it is possible that they may not be around to tell them at all.
(Separately, I wonder why some in the comments referred to the LW as "he" or "son". I did not see anything to indicate whether the LW was male, female or otherwise.)
Regarding the first LW: one of the useful guides I have found is that significant family secrets affect all family members - even those who don't know there is a secret. They may be painful to learn, but also can bring understanding, depth and compassion. The parents are dead, so it is no longer their marital secret to keep.
33
For the professor, I recommend a "test" on the first day of class, or preferably before. The test should either actually test or simply let students know what they're expected to know before starting the class. If they fail or realize they're not ready, they can drop the class and take a lower-level class instead before it's too late to drop without penalty.
If a remedial class is necessary, maybe it should be added to the schedule of courses if it doesn't already exist and the school insists on admitting unprepared students. It does nobody any good to have a course that is between the abilities of the prepared and unprepared students; the unprepared students will still struggle while the prepared students will not be taught.
Depending on the characteristics of the "expanded" portion of the student body (I'm not talking Freshman Fifteen), these students may be intelligent but not learned, able but lazy, or simply not capable of grasping the subject. For the first group, which I'll call those who were never given a chance, remedial classes may be the most helpful; the second group won't appreciate them; the third might plateau at the remedial level (obviously subject to individual variability).
25
No administration would allow such a thing. Teachers, except at the graduate level, have no say in where a student is placed. Students sometimes take classes over and over until someone (not me) passes them.
22
Then it sounds like a variant of a question from last week: working for an unethical (or fraudulent) employer...
What's to stop you from giving students warning about what they're expected to know - on the first day of class - so they can drop the class early?
1
Your recommendation is very similar to what the mathematics department at my current institution does. We give all incoming students a placement exam which determines what classes they can enroll in. Similarly, when I was an undergrad at the University of Chicago, the mathematics department there also had such a test. We do, as with the letter writer, have the problem of the number of less prepared students increasing, and this has been a big issue issue for our department.
11
Teachers at state universities and community colleges have the exact same moral dilemmas. The writer fails to mention the adjunct status of many teachers and how that affects the situation. We are not paid enough to do our jobs. When you can barely make ends meet teaching ten courses at three different schools, how much time does that leave for each class? The students are unprepared, often unmotivated, too busy to do the work, but they and the administrators expect us to pass them anyway. After all, the Meanwhile, the admins are going about making promises to the business community about how well educated our students are. What's really sad is that the serious students actually believe they are getting real college level courses. It doesn't matter how good the teacher is, if the students are not even at high school level and have no interest in learning, the course will not be college level. As for comments suggesting the faculty take back control, tenured faculty has been reduced to the bare minimum and the ones that remainbeen bought off. Nary a peep out of them about the treatment of adjuncts or the effect of this system on the students.
88
This comment posted before I was ready. I meant to say that after all, the students are consumers and therefore they call the shots.
7
What we have here are two questions regarding the same basic subject - that being the "truth" --
People like to engage in sophist's debates about the idea of a "subjective" truth -- however, one of my life mentors had a point which was not subject to philosophy or debate --
He would say to me - "There's the truth - and then there's the lie about the truth," --
It took years before I was able to really understand what he meant by that -
In the first letter - what NW is really asking for is the permission to unburden himself ("...and I have been struggling...") from carrying the weight of this
secret for the past eighteen years by telling his siblings the "truth" about their mother --
What the Ethicist fails to address here is the question of what good will this do for anyone - both NW and siblings - and the possibility that the siblings will react badly to being told and it could end up causing a severe family rift --
If NW had written this letter to Dear Abby - she would have probably told him that no good can come of telling the siblings - he should just let it go and move on -
In the second letter - the college professor writes a lengthy and somewhat ironic exposition of - the truth (!)
NW explains exactly why many of his students are unprepared and unqualified to attend his college - yet both he and the Ethicist miss the opportunity to really help those students by reaching out with compassion to offer them useful alternatives --
"Truth" is not philosophy...
8
What useful alternatives would those be?
4
@ Clare -
Word limitation prevented me from elaborating on that point -
Regarding the students "who are not academically prepared for college" - and - "want a diploma because they have been told that they will make more money if they have one" --
The alternatives would be to counsel them by presenting these uncomfortable, yet important truths about their situations - and offering assistance to steer them towards more realistic goals - such as considering transferring to a two-year college which would provide training towards a viable career path --
Or - perhaps taking off for a year or two in order to work and establish themselves - then returning as either a full-time students - or consider adult continuing education and/or evening courses - along with a more realistic course load --
When I was a student at major music conservatory, may teachers advised their students to get a degree in education, so they would be qualified to teach - should it turn out they are unable to make a living as a performing musician --
This being a column about ethics - one would think that the professor has an ethical obligation towards his students to provide then with realistic (truthful) advise about what lies ahead...
Maybe I'm jaded, but people don't understand how corrupt our higher education system is. Administrators have increased by sixty percent since the eighties (they all make six figures); schools have over-expanded, and turned into country clubs for the privileged; so keeping up enrollment numbers is crucial. Any adjunct who fails too many students will be terminated without cause. It's not a secret where I work. If you fail too many students, one of the many deans will speak to your department head. In addition, a whole underclass of "professors" who can barely make ends meet, who receive NO benefits, and have no hope of a future career in academia need those classes to survive. Want to hear something ironic? I now support my teaching through my writing.
3
The ethicist's replies ring true. I appreciate the moments in such enlightened company.
The writer of the second letter well describes faculty concerns amid what I narrowly see as the vicious cycle of expanded admissions at financially strapped universities multiplying freshmen seats to make up for tuition losses caused when indebted students vacate 2nd-, 3rd-, even 4th-year class seats projected in university budgets. The ethicist's reply is superior to my biased summary and heartens me.
The writer of the first letter will perhaps act on the ethicist's reply. If so, siblings may better understand any vague feelings about their parents. Discoveries may follow. Truth reaches out to shake hands with shyer courage.
6
I would stay silent about the affair unless one of the siblings brings it up directly. What’s the point in tarnishing their memories of her and causing pain when she is dead and can’t speak for herself?
70
The mother is the one who revealed the secret in the first place. Maybe she wanted it known by her other children. I don't think we have enough details to say.
4
Moms Affair: Keep your mouth shut. Your Mom told you, but presumably not your siblings, for a reason. Maybe she wanted a confidant, or wanted to set the historical record straight, for some reason. What good could possibly come from spilling some very old beans, NOW ??? Telling your sibs now would just be an example of moral Vanity. Bad Idea.
Seriously.
89
I agree with this advice. Unless there is some compelling reason to reveal this secret to your siblings, why not let sleeping dogs lie.
I wonder if your mother had a guilty conscience and told you after her husband had died? (The letter doesn't say if he died before her.) She should have carried the burden by herself, rather than trouble you with it, Name Withheld.
16
I'm glad I'm not the only one this seems obvious to.
14
I would want to know. Affairs affect the whole family and the truth matters.
Yes, it may open up wounds, and there will be questions that no one can answer. Over time we learn to accept what we can't change. Life is like that sometimes.
10
Faculty have forgotten - or have been made to forget - that it is they who run the academy, not the suits who command large salaries for counting the beans.
The faculty senate is the place to have this discussion. And perhaps a Board of Trustees might want to know about how the academy in their fiduciary care has changed. Getting facts and comparing flunk out and quitting rates now vs back then would be essential.
53
LW1 - There are two families allegedly involved, the Letter Writer's and the Family Friend's. Both could be impacted by saying anything. The mother has been dead for 18 years. Hindsight is sometimes 20:20 but it seems at the time the LW was not aware an affair. What would saying anything accomplish? How does the LW know this is true?Absent a child from the affair, I see no reason so say anything about questionable history.The LW would then have to explain their silence for a number of years which is another question.
42