I have never commented on this site before, but will break my silence for this one. I am extremely Pro-Choice. Why, you might ask? Aren't all babies precious treasures, to be cherished? That'd be nice. I was not one of those to my mother. I was not a wanted child, and you'd better believe it was made known to me for every moment of my childhood and teenage years. In fact once my mother told me that had abortions been available, I would never have been born. Although I have forgiven her, this one episode acted as a guillotine to my feelings for her. *CHOP!* Children remember what you say. Believe me.
And so, when I say I am Pro-Choice, I say that as an advocate for all those children who would be born to unwilling, unwanting mothers. I would spare those children what I went through. And I would save us as a society, from re-enacting Romania's Ceausescu years. What happens when you ban abortion and birth control? A human-rights catastrophe, that's what happens. And nothing else: certainly you don't end up with a Right-Wing Wonderland.
As for my unwilling mother, she'd love to forget all those memories and pretend they never happened. As I keep my mouth shut out of kindness, I know that I will remember her actions and her words, for both of us.
1
I was 37 when I had my abortion. A few months into a dead-end relationship with a deadbeat guy, I got pregnant. I am a diabetic and had poor health; continuing the pregnancy would be unsafe for the foetus and me. The guy disappeared pretty quickly when I told him he did not have to help. A few days later I went to Marie Stopes by myself and took the Mifepristone pill. When they asked me at the clinic if I had someone to help, I lied. The next day I took the Misoprostol pills. Within an hour the process started. It was painful but a lot less so than being with someone who was mooching off me. I have always wanted to be a mother and don't know if I will get another chance but I was certain about the course of action I had to take. I did not want a 'link' to said person for the rest of my life.
I am grateful I was in a city where I could access medical facilities. I end up wondering how different things would have been had I been in a place where there isn't easy access to abortion clinics. Due to my cultural background it has not been easy to talk about this; however I have been fortunate to have some friends and family support me through the ordeal. Not for a moment have I wavered about my choice.
If this sounds mercenary I am not apologetic. I often apologise to the baby I lost for not being able to choose a better father for him/ her. I am grateful I was able to exercise my choice without much of a problem and believe women all over the world should have this right.
3
Thank you for sharing a diversity of abortion experiences underlining the need for choice in women's lives. When women can have safe, affordable abortions the experience is less traumatic. Making abortion illegal, scary, dangerous, and traumatic for women doesn't reduce the number of abortions. It just makes a miserable decision that much harder.
3
I have never shared the story of my abortion with anyone except my husband. Although it happened 40 years ago, I can still remember crying hysterically through the night before. I knew I had to end the pregnancy but my heart was breaking at the thought of what I had chosen to do. I had two beautiful children and somehow felt that I was dishonoring them. The procedure was carried out illegally in an apartment on a kitchen table. The doctor and his assistant were kind and I was quickly home, feeling so empty. I have since had a third child, a daughter, and I've wondered for many years if I should share my story with my daughters. This has been such a long-kept secret that I fear their condemnation still.
2
The newly fledged hard right wing govt.of Ontario...(jokingly called "Progressive Conservatives". What an oxymoron eh?) have cancelled a progressive sex ed curriculum because of promises to the religious right. They are going back to a curriculum from 1998...no kidding. Their whine...no parental consultation although the consultation group included a parent from every one of Ontario's 4,000 elementary schools. Among the parent's protesting the cancellation is a father whose daughter suicided because she was cyberbullied over cyberporn. She was raped by teen boys who videod it and put in on the net.What is it about the hard right anyways?
4
I had a safe and legal abortion in the early eighties because my chosen method of birth control failed and I was in no position financially nor psychologically to raise a child nor to put her or him up for adoption. While my reactions have been complex, regret has always played a small role compared to gratitude and relief.
4
Behind each story is a person of courage.
Behind each story is a willingness to share with us.
Behind each story is one of us...a daughter, perhaps a sister or mother.
Behind each story is truth. Truth as only the writer can tell us.
For whatever reason...the reason/s is the teller's alone to make.
Thank you for your courage, willingness to share, your truth. Thank you for being you...as you were then, as you are now.
3
When I was a 19-year-old freshman undergraduate I found I was pregnant. I had already broken up with the boy, and never let him know. I had the pregnancy test at a Planned Parenthood Center. I was shocked and scared, and the advisors at the center urged me repeatedly to get an abortion. "You can't have a baby now." It was a lot of pressure when I was in a vulnerable state. But I wanted to think about it and make my own decision.
Ultimately, I felt I had a lot of advantages: white, well-educated, articulate, well-connected and from a wealthy background. I went through with the pregnancy, dropped out of school, and had jobs as a waitress, cleaner, and secretary during the pregnancy and afterward, as a single mother. Obviously it was a major upheaval and difficult. Luckily I was insured, fit, and healthy. Much later I've been able to complete a couple of degrees and develop a professional career.
My point is that I had the freedom to decide for myself. Women must be able to make their own decisions about having children, because it is a demanding life-long commitment that changes every aspect of life. No one should be forced to be a parent. It must be elective. Childbirth and abortion should not be legislated.
5
i had an illegal abortion in 1966 or 1967 that required my meeting a car in a parking lot and transferring to another car that brought me to a supposed doctors house/office, where the abortion took place.
i cant imagine the risk we took because if i didn't return to the parking lot my then boyfriend and future husband would have had no idea how to find me
that being said, root canal has been more disturbing
the abortion was 'no big deal' then or now
3
Kudos and blessings to every one of the women in the article and in the comments who have the courage to share the truth about a deeply personal decision. May everyone learn from what you have shared. Some abortions are done to save a Mom's life, due to a rape, due to horrible birth defects that will mean the baby will die a quick and horrible death.
4
Moving stories, but I much fear that the way they’re presented will do more harm than good. Difficult & painful cases are presented disproportionately in this article. This is inaccurate. The great majority of women having abortions are simply vastly relieved.
NYT— I thought you were beyond, “If it bleeds, it leads.”
10
I found that I was pregnant even after having an IUD fitted. At 20 weeks, I lost the baby and felt that my world had ended even though we already had 2 children.
In May the following year, we had our darling daughter Jane. She is the only child who has given us grandchildren.
To all those readers who have felt that their worlds have ended after losing a child for whatever reason, please forgive yourselfs.
6
I was 11 years old and on a cruise with my mother and grandparents, when a note came from the Captain that an urgent telegraph had been from my father (it was the late 60s). For several nights in a row, my mom went to the bridge of the ship, where she and my dad worked out how to get a legal abortion for a sister, then 20, who had tried to self abort. I recall being told she had drunk quinine.
She ended up getting a psychiatrist's letter, recommending the abortion for mental health reasons. It was performed in a hospital.
That was not the first knowledge I had on the importance of legal abortion and proper use of contraception — but it was the beginning. My sister could have died!
I held off of any sexual activity until I was 18 and had my first boyfriend the summer before my sophomore year of college. He was very decent, used a condom, and treated me well. I went on to encounter tons of college boys who wanted nothing but to grab my breasts and get it on while drunk, but I rejected all of them and had my next decent boyfriend when I was a college senior. By that point, I'd marched myself into a Planned Parenthood office and gotten my first diaphragm. I used it like a pro.
As a woman, I was always aware that my choices were men's business but that their choices were not mine.
I went to graduate school, made good $, and stayed single.
Men, please reflect on this. Women are not your playthings. They are your equal. Love them enough to keep abortion safe and legal.
20
My Grandmother had a son (Staten Island, 1913 or so) who died in the Flu epidemic . My Grandfather wanted a boy so they tried and produced 4 subsequent daughters, two of which were twins. My Mother was the 4th. She told me my Grandfather was so disappointed he didn't even look in the crib at her. Then my Grandmother got pregnant again but my Grandfather insisted upon an abortion. The result of that abortion was two twin boys.
4
If preventing abortions is truly the cause of the pro life movement, why is sex education and the free and unrestricted availability of contraception not available?
Where is the pro life movement on caring for babies that are fully developed babies needing emotional and physical sustenance?
Where are programs that support mothers to become mothers with maternity health care and social care such as paid parental leave?
23
I will tell my mother's story. When I was conceived she already had 4 children and was in a emotionally abuse marriage. Although the marriage was good in the early years, my father came home from the WAR, a changed man. When she found out she was pregnant with me, she and the older children stood in the living room crying.
Subsequently, my father was supposed to have had a vasectomy. At the age of 43 she found that she was pregnant, yet again, and went to a deacon in her church, who referred her to a physician who performed a DNC.
Long story, but the outcome is that I was severely emotionally abused, by my Mom, because she didn't have a choice in 1955. At the end of her life, she asked for my forgiveness, even though I had forgiven her, years earlier. I love and miss her but would rather have not been the source of so much pain. She felt trapped and I am still struggling with the aftermath.
15
Abortion ends a life.
Even if you believe that that abortion is a woman's right without limitation, that fact cannot be altered.
5
I discuss my abortion freely and without guilt. Nobody can make me feel guilty without my permission. And don't give my permission.
12
My dad was born in 1921 because his mother refused to be aborted--by her pharmacist husband, on their kitchen table--one more time. She'd already undergone the procedure a few times and physically couldn't take it again.
There have always been and will always be abortions. People of means will always be able to secure safe and effective abortions. It's our job to make sure that safe and effective abortions remain available for all. And yes, rarely needed.
12
I haven't had an abortion yet. It's something I always been against, yet I have to consider it now. I find it an impossible & horrific thing to even consider & I don't know how people can go through with it when there is even the smallest ray of hope. I have two children, one of them was born with Down Syndrome. It was a struggle for us in the beginning but the Baby was such a sunshine. I had the option to abort it but I could have never done it. Sadly it had a cardiac arrest after a surgery & now is severly brain damaged. I do understand how parents abort severly handicaped children. Should I get pregnant again & have a handicaped child I think I would abort. I want my healthy child to have somebody that helps it carry the weight of the sick sibling. I know it will suffer from having a handicaped sibling. Children can be so crule. Society is crule when it comes to people who are different. I have lost my first Baby in week 8. It's nothing one can forget. I gave it a name and I remember it every year. I don't know how I would deal with an abortion. To me abortions are selfish, because the child is not given a chance. When my child had the cardiac arrest it fougth for its life. The doctors told us if it did not want to live it would be long gone. There are many days I wish it would die because the handicap is so severe. But so many days the Baby is content, even smiles, seems to be more content with life than most people around me. Abortion to me is more conflicting than ever.
5
I can't believe we have to protest against the pro-lifers AGAIN, but I'll be on the barricades until I'm dead.
15
Thanks, Bob. How much unprotected sex have you had?
3
Please use the term anti-abortion. Words matter.
5
We progress. When I said a few years ago that I give money to Planned Parenthood who helped me with no less than 3 abortions before I had my two beautiful children, the Nytimes censored my comment.
12
Had an abortion in the early 80's. Went to my OB-GYN who asked invasive questions. Abortion was legal, so why should I expose my private life to this man who could barely spend 10 minutes with me during annual exams? I told him I had sex with men other than my husband (not true) and he was horrified, but scheduled a D & C in the local hospital, presumably to protect my delicate husband who was himself fooling around. I felt no remorse then and feel none now. Why should fetuses should have more rights than teenage girls and grown women? The answer is: only women have babies and too many people, including other women, think they are lesser beings.
11
Abortion is a very personal decision, based in equal parts on health, religious beliefs, ability to successfully raise a child, financial damage to existing children and a host of other factors. These story make clear the broad range of issues involved--and why the government of any nation has NO right other than to regulate the medical aspects of the procedure (whether medication-based or surgical) by the same standards it would use for any other procedure. As an encouragement for women who are willing to bear a child but cannot properly care for it, the government could play a positive role: provide laws that allow for a paid recovery period as added sick leave, and add women bearing a child outside marriage to the protected classes covered by civil rights, employment rights, etc. laws--in other words, make shaming a crime. All adoptions would be handled through state agencies that allowed no discrimination and which reimbursed the birth mother for the actual pre-delivery and delivery costs as well as any post-delivery medical treatment directly caused by carrying the pregnancy to term. Just a thought on a middle ground that would result in infertile couples who would make great parents being able to do so, protecting birth mothers, and not allowing one religious or moral code to be used to harm those who adhere to a different but perfectly legal code. Great story!
5
The reason that these women are so uncomfortable talking about their abortions is likely because, in their hearts, they know that it was an act who's morality would be impossible to defend. Was it the right thing to do for each of them at the time? Maybe. But, how do you defend the actual morality of the act? Best to not say a word.
5
No. I frankly don't discuss the abortion I had because it is not anyone's business but mine. I am not going to defend a personal decision against judgemental people like you.
30
How do you defend the morality of not providing access to accurate sex education and birth control?
15
Actually, abortion can be the most moral choice available.
15
I would like to read more of these personal stories of abortion from around the world. Very curious about Japan, North Korea vs. South Korea, Taiwan, China. It's helpful for me - for everyone, I imagine - to read about a spectrum of abortion experiences.
4
It speaks volumes that women living in countries where abortion is legal, like the US, still do not want to talk about their experiences. Abortion is an expedient solution to a problem. Even if you believe in the sanctity of life, there are times in your life that an unwanted or unplanned pregnancy will cause you to compromise those beliefs. You aren't supposed to feel good about your choice. It should tear at your heart. That's how you know you are human. All you can do is live your life and do your best to avoid making the same mistake again.
6
I don't think a woman should feel guilty or be shamed that she doesn't regret her abortion.
2
Reader X - the fact that the 'pro life' movement is vehemently opposed to contraception and factual sex education demonstrates that the real agenda is to revert women back to a secondary status. 'Mayberry', where everyone was in a family where husband worked and wife stayed home with children, is not coming back.
9
Smith - you raised a good question. From what I have read elsewhere, women who consider adoption run into strong opposition from their families. Regarding workplace colleagues, neighbors, etc I think many would judge her harshly for that decision.
1
In the 50s, I saw my older school friend almost bleed to death from a botched self-abortion. So much blood. Can't go back. There was so much blood. In the deep night, we buried the blood-soaked towels in the ravine. We could not tell anyone. You. will. only. end. safe. abortions.
26
The Pro-Life movement only seems to care about the embryo and once many of these unwanted children are brought into the world, they could care less and in fact, usually vote for programs that will make sure these unwanted, ill advised kids are denied health care, nutrition, love, any kind of real home. The papers are full of tragic, horrible stories of these neglected, terribly abused kids who die awful deaths at the hands of overwhelmed, ignorant, damaged parents. Recently in Texas (which, by the way, leads the nation in child abuse deaths) a 4 year old girl was beaten to death with whips and bamboo by her mom and the mom's boyfriend. They say her tiny body was covered in bruises and whip lashes. Pro-Life, huh? It's more like Pro-Forced Childbirth. I truly believe the woman should have the choice.
35
I decided to have an abortion because I was young, just starting my career and did not want a child. I had the option and I took it. In Puerto Rico, although abortion is legal, is something we don't talk about and I had no idea where to find a clinic. I was almost resign to have it, but a friend told me about a clinic in the south of the island. As a student, I had no money, but my boyfriend was supportive, my friends were as well, and I gathered the $500. Some told me I could turn to adoption, but I was not ready to be pregnant, period. The process was painful, but the nurse held my hand all the time. I cried because I placed myself in that situation, always being so careful. However, I never regretted it. I now have two beautiful daughters and I love them to death. I was 20 when I had my abortion, I was 30 when I had my first child. Both were good decisions at its own time. My parents don't know, but I am planning to tell my daughters when the time comes, as they need to know they have options and that that kind of decision is personal, only between you and your body, and that I support them to take care of that body.
26
When I reached puberty in the 1990s China, there was no sex ed in school. As a college student in her late teens, I ended two unwanted early pregnancies with pills illegally sold in small street corner shops. (Because of the official One Child policy, abortion was not perceived as a big deal, ergo the broad availability of these pills.) The society behaved as if students were not supposed to have sex, let alone get pregnant or married.
The third time when I became pregnant, the father was, so I thought, the love of my life. I would have the baby were it not for his objection. Two months into the pregnancy I received a notice of admission into an elite American graduate program. With money borrowed from a sympathetic professor I checked into a hospital. The procedure was swift. The real pain, however, was stepping out of the surgery room while my boyfriend was not there waiting. I walked slowly back into my room in pain, helping myself up by the wall. He was playing a video game by my bed. That's the moment I knew that I made the right decision.
This is the first time I talk about this experience. Having ended my unwanted pregnancies made it possible for me to become a well-educated global citizen. I do not forgive, however, my Chinese school education which had a narrow focus on knowledge-transmission but failed to provide any information on safe sex or adulthood. I support women's right to choose. But no one should be put into that situation in the first place.
33
If the child developing in the womb has the potential to be the next Beethoven, Picasso, Einstein, Gandhi, Susan B. Anthony, Mother Teresa, does one woman have the right to deprive the world of this possibility by having an abortion?
1
The next Hitler, Stalin, Franco? Would be a blessing, no?
21
Or another Hitler?
10
Are you aware of how many millions of people already deprive their offsprings from doing what they want with their life? “You want to be a painter? What kind of nonsense is that? Over my dead body, Son! You’re going to work on the farm/be a lawyer/doctor/mechanic just like me!”
9
My grandmother raised 8 boys and buried two husbands.
The only time I ever saw tears in her eyes was when she recounted having to carry a late-stage miscarriage to term because it was illegal for doctors to remove the fetus.
24
I especially love it when anti-abortion types state that there are "tons" of children waiting to be adopted. it's not true, there aren't. But if suddenly, due to abortion being illegal, there was a huge increase in children available for adoption, what makes people think they would all find homes, and that does who do would find a good one? One of my best friends spent almost her entire childhood in an orphanage, despite having no disabilities or emotional issues. Not every child gets adopted pronto, or at all. And if there should all of sudden be hundreds of thousands of them , then it's pretty much guaranteed that many would be left behind. I don't understand why they don't think of that ore are fine with that scenario.
12
Emily - we already have that for the most part. You can get child support from the father of a child.
If men really want to step up then they would go along with mandatory vasectomies after banking some sperm. They would take the onus of birth control on themselves. But they won't, because that would be against their rights, it would be legislating their bodies. But they are cool with doing so to women.
3
wbelm - I don't understand your post. There are lots of kids in foster homes that are not being adopted that could be. We don't have orphanages like we used to, but there are a lot of children looking for families. It's not like we have a shortage of kids, but we do have a shortage of adopters who want a kid who isn't a sweet little baby. Lots of middle school kids and teens looking for homes.
The adopters tend to want the babies, so they may be all for making abortion illegal. I don't know, but I do know that we do not have enough quality foster homes and people looking to adopt a child older than an infant or toddler.
4
Brenda, If your grandmother had been able to have a safe abortion she may have gone on to have as many kids as she wanted. It was giving birth at 16 that lead to the hysterectomy.
2
After not having a normal period for over a month, I took a pregnancy test just to ease my mind. It was positive—a shock to me, and I asked my boyfriend to come to my apartment the next day to discuss something. At that time, he was completing a master's degree and I was applying to PhD programs for the following year. We were both broke, and while we were in a committed relationship, we weren't living together and had been dating only 6 months.
My boyfriend took the news incredibly well and told me it was my decision, that he would support me either way. Although I wanted children, I knew this wasn't the right time. Going through a pregnancy while living with roommates in a walk-up flat, then having a baby in a premature timeframe for our relationship, and giving up on the PhD plans all told me to have an abortion.
Luckily I was able to have it done in the 7th week at a safe, nonjudgemental clinic in the city, though the procedure was not covered by my insurance and ended up incurring costs of almost 800 including meds and follow-up appts.
What surprised me most about the experience were the emotional repercussions. While my boyfriend seemed to take it in stride and move on fairly easily, I struggled with shame and sadness—and still do, almost a year later. Despite having pro-choice parents and friends, I felt uncomfortable telling people about it—just three friends know, and I don't know if I will ever tell my parents.
I was lucky. Thank god I had the choice.
28
Abortion is the murder of children so big people can abuse each other as pornography, making women cheap, accessible, and exchangeable while enabling the man to pretend he bears no responsibility and need make no commitments. Believing people can attain benefits by spilling the blood of little ones is a demonic belief system.
2
Not giving women a choice "cheapens" them. Nothing else.
20
But not all babies grow up to be the next Beethoven, Picasso, or Einstein. This line of reasoning as an anti-abortion argument is hollow. Aside from the fact that many of the esteemed people you mention were born during eras and in countries in which access to abortion, birth control, and comprehensive sex education was non-existent, it is folly to suggest that a woman shouldn't terminate a pregnancy because she just might be carrying the next Einstein. Pregnancies are terminated for all sort of reasons, many of them sad and unfortunate. Women aren't seeking to "deprive the world" of anything; rather, many of them are trying to save their own lives, and the lives of the children and families they already have, by ending a pregnancy that they cannot support for whatever reason. Women cannot be expected to raise the next Picasso or Gandhi if they're struggling with abject poverty, meeting basic needs, chronic illness, under-employment, no health insurance, or several children who already require their attention. Also, women cannot and should not be expected to raise any child without the help of his or her father, although many do so anyway. If a woman is responsible for not aborting the next Gandhi, shouldn't the man be responsible for helping her raise that future Gandhi? After all, gentlemen, what right do you have to deprive the world?
17
It is your choice, but with it also comes the fact that once made, you must live with it.
Act in haste, repent in leisure.
All the rationalizing in the world does not change the truth that the act speaks for itself.
3
I had an abortion. I refuse to apologize for it. I was 29 years old, it was not an immaculate conception. The other party involved considered this not his problem. I was responsible for myself, my family lived on another continent. Who was going to support me and a child if I lost my job? I had an abortion. I took care of what I needed to take care of. I don't care who judges me, nobody else was walking in my shoes at the time. That was 42 years ago, in 1976. Roe had been legal for 3 years. I will forever be thankful that my abortion was legal, done in a hospital, by my doctor. And if it hadn't been legal, it would have been uptown, on some kitchen table and hoping I'd survive it all. That's what one did before Roe. I have nothing to forgive myself for and the only feeling I ever remember afterwards was this tremendous relief. I've since married and raised a family. My husband knows about the abortion, as do my children. I have nothing to hide.
35
In the 1980's, I met a very elderly woman who made fund-raising phone calls for the Democratic Party in southern California, every week, reliably, for years. She explained to me that a friend of hers had violently died during a botched abortion procedure decades earlier. She said she never wanted another woman to have to lose her life in this horrific fashion.
The bottom line is, desperate women will continue to have abortions, whether they are legal or not. These stories prove this is a deeply personal, life-altering decision, that should be between a woman, any involved partner, and her doctor.
33
Hen3ry, you are brave to share your thoughts - they are the response to a typical challenge made by anti-choice folks, “what if your mother had chosen to abort you?” It’s an absurd challenge since there would be no “you” if there had been a termination of a pregnancy. You have so courageously said what to me is the ultimate truth: children are too important for them to be the preordained outcome of every meeting of a sperm and ova.
I hope you’ve been able to find joy and meaning in your life; you have clearly found honesty. Thank you.
11
Well, Joan, people who believe that life begins at conception believe that there would still have been a "you" even if your mother had aborted the pregnancy. Because you were created at the point of conception. It is pretty hard to deny this if you have ever been pregnant and spoken to your baby, felt him kick, felt his presence. A baby's life does not begin at birth and we all know this. That said, abortion is not the simple matter that political arguments pretend. It is complicated and I believe that the decision should ultimately rest with the woman and her doctor.
3
It's disappointing that there is not one word spoken here for the voiceless human beings whose lives are being ended. The demand for abortion for any reason represents the exaltation of individual autonomy in its most ruthless form. It is the triumph of the human person as uber-consumer whose freedom to choose is sacrosanct, whose will to avoid being inconvenienced excuses everything. This is the same mentality that leads to environmental degradation (why should I be inconvenienced to protect the planet?), to unchecked ability to stockpile weapons (it's my right to buy whatever guns I want to protect my family, let innocents caught in my crossfire be damned) and so on. This pro-abortion thinking promotes the kind of myopic individualism that lies at the root of so many social ailments. The fact that not even a fair acknowledgement that another life pays the price for our desire to abort a pregnancy - whatever the circumstance -- is so saddening. Everything in nature is interconnected. From the moment we are conceived, we need one another. Abortion is the most radical denial of this basic, beautiful human truth.
5
Well, George, we all hope it's an act that you never have to consider, much less experience.
2
So, sounds like you'd be a big fan of strapping "one woman" down and forcing her to given birth, even if she was not so inclined.
5
Sandy, this isn't an original thought, by any stretch, but one you need to hear: If you are against abortion, don't have one.
So, get thee to Big Brothers, Big Sisters. Volunteer to help abused, neglected children. Foster a child. Adopt a child. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Leave your, how'd you put it? "myopic individualism" at the door.
One thing I know for sure: the volunteers at Big Brothers, Big Sisters, the volunteers at shelters, the volunteers at animal rescues are, to a man and to a woman, supportive of birth control up to and including abortion. In short, I've never met a single volunteer who didn't whine but put his or her money where his (or her) mouth is and volunteered to actually make a difference.
A fetus is so easy to support; it's the living who are so messy and so difficult.
3
At 29 I found out I was pregnant and was very happy. The doctor seemed worried at my third appointment and told me to go to the nearest hospital for a blood test and ultrasound. While there I found out I had an ectopic pregnancy but I was at a Catholic hospital (and I am Catholic). Once they diagnosed me they told me I had to leave if I wanted "treatment" and go to the secular hospital across town. My husband drove me though the doctor said the hospital should have sent me via ambulance. I then had emergency surgery to remove my fallopian tube and the embryo growing there. I cried from the moment I was diagnosed, but I will never understand why the religious beliefs of my own (now former) church were such that the non-viable embryo's life was more important to them than my own life. And if there was not a secular hospital near by, then what?
41
Support for legal abortions will grow when America finds out from the women themselves just how many of our friends, family, and neighbors have had abortions. The massive change in public opinion about gay rights happened because more and more of us found out that our beloved friends and neighbors were also GLBT. The same will happened with abortion as more and more women become “out” about their own abortions.
22
The person I was dating at the time forced himself on me a week after I told him I wasn’t ready to have sex and that I wanted to wait until that time came. I have no recollection of the subsequent days. Weeks later, I confided in a friend who took me to a crisis clinic. My physical check-up revealed I was pregnant. Aside from this event, my only other significant sexual experience was being molested by a number neighboring young adults at 5 years old. A family member found out and put a stop to it. No one in my family ever talked to me about it. My parents were physically and psychologically abusive. I was accepted into the college of my choice without having any parental support. I was a junior at the time of my pregnancy. I chose to have an abortion. It was a deeply painful experience and I have no regrets, shame, or guilt over it. Unlike my parents who had no business ever becoming parents, I made a difficult and responsible choice. I knew I had to move forward and learn to care for myself. I also knew I needed to deal with my past if I were to become a good and healthy human and/or parent. It took me years of counseling and hard work to reclaim ownership of my body, mind, and spirit. I didn’t have a choice back then, but I do now. I will never allow anyone but me to make decisions (legally endorsed or not) about my body. And I would never think to coerce another human or make decisions for them or their body. We bloom best when we are encouraged to roam free.
30
I had an abortion at 19 years of age at a clinic in Philadelphia that provided a sterile environment and the care of a trained surgeon. Later on that year news arrived that a woman I had know back in Colombia had died from an abortion. I don’t know the details of her ordeal but I wish she’d had access to a safe abortion so that she would still be here with her family.
26
I was 24 and got pregnant on an IUD. I was already 3 months along - and bleeding monthly - when I was diagnosed. Thankfully, Roe v Wade had passed a few years before. I had heard countless stories from friends about back alley abortions. I was terrified. By comparison, my procedure was clean and easy. I have no regrets. It is for certain if I had had to bear this child, I would have ended my own life.
21
If men are wanting to decrease the number of abortions that happen due to financial issues, then I would like to suggest they lead the charge in introducing legislation that would make a man 50% financially responsible for the expenses of the pregnancy and birth, especially unreimbursed necessary medical expenses, which can be high if the pregnancy is complex and/or the mother lacks health insurance.
Modern science allows us to establish paternity by the end of the first trimester via blood test.
22
I had a third-trimester abortion when my much -wanted baby was diagnosed with serious deformities at 28 weeks. I didn’t feel any ambivalence—I had a great sense of conviction that it was the right decision for everyone involved, and I still have no regrets.
I now have a healthy child who enjoys the freedom of movement he deserves.
I resent the fact that although I was a New York resident for most of my life, I had to travel to another state for a desired medical procedure, and my decision was undermined by more than one NY-area medical professional.
I don’t hold out hope that adult women will have full rights to make well-informed decisions about their reproductive health in this country anytime soon,
32
I had a very similar experience and I, too, was sad to let this much wanted baby go but I know it was for the best. She would not have survived without massive medical interventions after birth the outcome of which may still have been an early death in infancy. People who are against late-term abortion often don't understand the gravity of the underlying medical issue. And the pain for parents.
19
Thank you, NY Times for sharing these stories. Far too frequently overlooked in the desire to “win” the abortion war is the reality that both having and not having access to abortion have complicated consequences on people’s lives that are not easy to resolve. Sticking your head in the sand and pretending that this is simple does not make it so. No matter what your opinion on abortion is, if it’s not starting from a place of empathy, don’t bother showing up at the table.
11
I came to on the bathroom floor.
My last memory was of expelling blood clots into the toilet. I struggled to my feet, cleaned up a bit with trembling hands, and stuffed a towel into my underwear.
My father had left for work (he was a personal injury attorney)--a relief. I made my way to the washing machine, where I found the bedsheets I'd hemorrhaged into the previous night.
I thanked my body for saving me--so much blood all at once had scared him flaccid before his genitals could penetrate my own.
Had his last words to me been "Wash those damned sheets!"?
No. They had been, "Suffer. You deserve it. Maybe this will teach you a lesson." The lesson being that I was supposed to have sex only with him, not with the boy who had date-raped me 4 weeks earlier, Thanksgiving of 1965.
Dear old Dad, a pro-life exemplar.
29
I have never had an abortion. I was never faced with that choice. My mother wanted to have an abortion when she was pregnant with me. The laws in the 1950s were such that she couldn't unless it was illegal. I was not a wanted baby or child. Her anger over being forced to have me extended itself to me. I was 16 when she confirmed my feelings of rejection and being unwanted. Those feelings have colored my entire life. It's a horrible thing to know that your parents didn't want you at all.
My parents were not ready to have children when I was conceived. My father wasn't working and my mother, although she was a teacher was going to have to stop teaching once she had me. In those days middle class women with infants did not return to the workplace after giving birth. My mother felt that her life had been cut short by being forced to have a child. Given what I know and have seen I can't disagree with her.
If we, as a society, are unwilling to allow women to have abortions when they want them or need them we must support birth control, family planning, a better social safety net for all, and teach every child about sexual feelings, how to satisfy themselves and their partners without having children. Come to think of it, we should do that anyway in order to improve the quality of family life in America.
And we need to remember that just because a woman can become pregnant doesn't mean she wants to be a parent.
80
Are you not happy to live? I think you like to live. let's celebrate your life. Your mother's problems are not your problems.
3
I had an abortion and I'm 100% glad I did.
It was a hassle and I was annoyed at the hoops I had to jump through but I was glad I lived in a place where it wasn't totally unavailable and that I could afford it, unlike many.
I've never wanted kids and still don't. I don't regret it at all. In fact, if I didn't have the choice to make this decision and have a legal medical procedure, I would be far worse off mentally and physically.
37
I think we should prepare for continuing erosion into this personal tragedy. There will be no grand sweeping away of Roe v. Wade. Rather, the state legislatures, lousy with old white men who have no business nosing around anyone's genitalia, will continue to infest our freedom and privacy with restrictions and regulations that all but nullify a woman's choice to determine what she does with her own body. Some people have argued that women should be trusted to make these decisions. NO. That's as insidious an idea as legislating. Women don't need to demonstrate anything to anybody to make any decision about their bodies.
22
i was accidentally pregnant, my consistently used birth control having failed, to my shock. My mother didn't know about it, but had a terrible nightmare that someone was trying to break into our house. The father didn't want the child. I had an abortion and finished my education. I now have two kids, and my wages from my professional job play an extremely important role in paying for their healthcare, educational costs and the like.
44
Thank you for being brave and sharing these stories.
19
I have always felt the real driving force behind the anti-abortion movement is power and control over women and the Christian Rights' salvation ticket to heaven. That means they voted and supported an administration that lied us into a war, killing thousands and destroying a country, and supported the Global Gage Rule over 78,000 women during the Bush administration.
23
Yesterday I talked to a young waitress in Rapid City South Dakota, an extremely religious city. She was a reformed meth addict who got pregnant a few months after she got clean. And while it was a mistake, an abortion was out of the question. Still, the pregnancy came with a stigma of its own. She apologized for the fact that her son was born “out of wedlock”.
We hear an endless stream of abortion stories, to the exclusion of equal difficulties regarding other pregnancy issues. Unwanted pregnancies come with endless complications. Abortion is one of them, but there are others. Women’s rights issues are associated with numerous issues and reducing them to one is a failure to comprehend what reproductive justice is all about.
10
I think women should have the right to have an abortion legally, but I also think the issue is very complex & those against abortion raise valid points.
The problem is the biology. It is true that it is our bodies, & women are impacted both physically & emotionally by pregnancy & childbirth. It is also true that there is a living baby inside our bodies. When we terminate a pregnancy, we kill that life. I don't think the argument is honest unless we acknowledge that. The fetus at 12 weeks that is aborted is the same fetus at 12 weeks that is grieved if miscarried & that is supported by doctors if something is wrong in development.
I think acknowledging the dualism supports women who undergo abortion as opposed to the opposite. All of the women I know who have had an abortion - except one - were deeply impacted, & still grieve decades later. One of my dear friends, nearly 60, still weeps when talking about it.
Acknowledge that this is a life we are ending, that we are forced to end because we have to weigh the life of a full grown human versus the life of a tiny potential baby. This is not a choice anyone should have to make, but we do. Those against it are not all hypocrites or sexist; many believe that all human life has value & therefore the baby's life is just as valuable as the woman's & one cannot end it unless the woman's life is literally at risk. I can see that argument even as I ultimately side with the woman. But I don't side lightly. It's not simple.
15
I just read a NYT article about a young woman in Iran who was arrested after posting a video of herself dancing on Instagram fully clothed in the privacy of her own room. Her crime according to the male clerics? A woman showed herself, her body, dancing.
In Muslim nations woman are forced by law to cover themselves head to toe and behave like shadow ghosts in public because men -- MEN! -- refuse t believe they are, in fact, responsible for their own violent sexual impulses and urges.
Why aren't the men forced by law to wear chastity belts?
In the same way in America, men feel they have a right to legislate a woman's body. Birth control and tampons (medically necessary) don't have to be a covered benefit, but Viagra for men is. Viagra!
Men are fiercely devoted to making abortions illegal. Why? They claim moral superiority. But I think it's really their desire to subjugate women. Where are their morals when a woman is raped and then disbelieved or blamed for it because she was wearing a short skirt? Where are their morals after the unwanted baby is born and they refuse to support legislation to provide that once-fetus-now-real-baby with universal health care, public education, or social services?
Their claim that a non-viable fetus is an "innocent baby" is simply propaganda used to dominate and control another human being.
66
I had a safe legal abortion in 1972. I was married 2 years and although we wanted children some time, we hadn’t talked about and were very surprised when we found out I was pregnant. But we were happy about it.
At the time, I had been having medical problems and undergoing tests - x-rays, etc. When my doctor found out I was pregnant, he was cautioned us that the x-rays had happened at a critical time and fetus could have been affected. I had more tests that confirmed his fears. My husband and I decided the pregnancy would be terminated.
It wasn’t an easy decision but it was the right one for us. And it was done quickly, safely and locally. I was back at work very shortly afterward and had no bad affects.
That pregnancy made us realize that we were ready to start our family and we went on to have three children that we love with all our hearts. The first of our children was born just 15 months after the abortion. I have never regretted making the choice to end that first pregnancy.
42
I am 3rd generation Calgarian and am satisfied the woman mentioned in the summary was able to benefit from the work my mom, grandmother, aunts and cousins undertook to give all women excellent medical care.
Your story missed many groups who need to have an abortion. Forty years ago in my sex ed class the physician and nurse brought in to speak to the girls in my Calgary high school about abortion put up a transparency showing the numbers of abortions by agr.
By far the largest group were girls under the age of 14 who had been raped as a result of incest by a family member or raped by a paediaphile.
My imagination, then and now, puts me in the hearts of these small girls, held down by their thin arms and heavy adult male bodies pressing down on their small frames to force these children into unwanted sex acts long before their bodies are ready for it.
Forced not only into sex, but into pregnancy and now into motherhood. Long before their wombs can carry a child safely to full term. One tragedy can become two.
Do I like abortion? NO
But I have sat through many public inquiries into the Catholic church sex abuse, the Truth and Reconciliation commission and fatality inquiries to be able to stare a very ugly truth in the eye — there are many depraved pedophiles whofeel it is their right to use their superior strength to sexually assault a child.
Sone of these girls will become pregnant - weneedto take every step we can to help not hibder a bad situation
33
I was lucky. It was 1986 and I had a safe, legal abortion done by a women's clinic with a kind doctor and a nice nurse who rubbed my forehead before I was given ansthesia. The procedure was even covered by my medical insurance policy from my employer.
25
I was a college Chaplain and a pastor who counseled a number of female students and parishioners through the years who had to deal with this issue personally. I found this article to be totally ineffective in dealing with this issue. It does not portray the anxiety and anguish females have to deal with in dealing with this issue. What a dissapointment in terms of creating any sense of empathy about abortion to those who have an absolutist stance on it.
8
I have worked as a healthcare chaplain and also had an adolescent abortion and share your concern for the emotional and spiritual toll that decision-making around an unintended pregnancy can take. However, I disagree that somehow the editors of this storytelling project failed their readers by not selecting stories that focused on that aspect of the storyteller's experience. I am writing a dissertation, nearly twenty-five years later on the subject of my abortion--clearly a formative experience--and my field is spiritual care and even in my story I do not focus on that part. There are so many layers to an abortion experience, not to mention variations (depending on age, relationships, existing children, class, race, and all the other contexts you could imagine) and a little slice of college-educated young women doesn't necessarily reflect all those variations. Nor does a story that is written in retrospect focus on the same things that would be paramount in the days and weeks leading up to an abortion decision, or that someone bringing the issue to a religious professional in the first place would be concerned with. Just something to consider ...
1
That's really lovely, that you abdicate all responsibility for the other party to an unintended pregnancy and instead castigate the one with the uterus above and beyond what is already experienced in facing such an unwelcome situation.
Not even mentioning nonconsensual sex, that birth control fails, etc., until you have the capacity to become pregnant and experience 35+ years of being sexually active and fertile, which amounts to having to avoid anywhere between 16 and 29 pregnancies (see Katie Watson, The Scarlet A, 2018) in one's lifetime, I have to imagine most people here would think your opinion is not worth much. It's also judgmental, patriarchal, and cruel, as a side note.
5
It's unfortunate that you abdicate all responsibility for the other party to an unintended pregnancy and instead castigate the one with the uterus above and beyond what is already experienced in facing such an unwelcome situation.
Not even mentioning nonconsensual sex, that birth control fails, etc., until you have the capacity to become pregnant and experience 35+ years of being sexually active and fertile, which amounts to having to avoid anywhere between 16 and 29 pregnancies (see Katie Watson, The Scarlet A, 2018) in one's lifetime, I have to imagine most people here would think your opinion is not worth much. Frankly, it's also judgmental, patriarchal, and cruel.
3
As a child we had a small farm. We had hens and roosters. We collected the eggs everyday. However, sometimes the hens would outsmart us and lay their eggs in novel places, and those eggs would not be collected for a week or more. I learned to always crack an egg into an empty bowl as sometimes those eggs were fertilized and a chicken embryo would be inside. No one who witnessed such a sight will ever mistake a chicken embryo for a chick. I think more anti pro-choice advocates need to raise hens and roosters. Maybe then they would get the message that a fetus is a potential person, and not an actual person.
52
How hard is the Times working to assure Trump’s re-election ?
Keep focusing on illegal aliens, abortion, LGBQTSC (whatever) and prove to the centrists that we Democrats don’t care about anything that most Americans care about.
Honestly, nobody I know has mentioned abortion, demanded more illegal aliens stay in our country, shouted hatred of the police, or expressed worry that somebody might use a bathroom on a day they elect to be a different sex.
Really, do you so badly want to lose so again ?
Preach income equality, decent paying jobs, and safe cities - and win !
11
The NYT worked very hard to get eyeballs and clicks during the 2016 campaign by giving waaaay too much space and ink to DJT!
3
Pro-life people (certainly older ones) will always fall back on this idea of adoption. They know people who were adopted. None of these stories refute the idea of adoption for what it is...a tremendous, near-impossible ask. It's not a valid Plan B. When adoption was more prevalent (at least in America), babies were often taken from their mothers. Children were sold from orphanages abroad. Mothers lied to, never knowing. Pro-life adoptionists often overlook this. I am not child-minded but talk about things that would have to be ripped from my cold dead hands, even in the hypothetical.
22
A lot of people who claim adoption is always an ideal solution do not consider how difficult it is, - even for the wealthiest/smartest/most loving/resource-rich adoptive parents - to constructively cope w/ the chronic physical &/or neuropsychiatric baggage (whether known or not) - that an unwanted/unplanned/likely exposed to poor pre-natal care child may bring into a household & greater community.
For instance, FL high school mass shooter Nikolas Cruz still grew up to kill 17 people & greatly injured 17 others - despite his late adoptive parents' best efforts to address his special needs (w/c likely stemmed from Fetal Alcohol exposure, a sadly irreversible condition practically requiring conservatorship) & a hefty trust fund he cld live on when he turns 25.
TX death row inmate Gabriel Paul Hall grew up to kill an elderly US Navy veteran neighbor apparently just for the thrill of it - despite being adopted along with his siblings into a well-off, apparently evangelical Christian family of professionals.
As it turn out, Gabriel's biological parents were drug addicts, and his own biological father was a convicted murderer too.
While of course not every adoptee turns into a homicidal maniac, still, these and many other similar cases worldwide must make us think: how many other innocent, productive humans would have still been alive or not maimed, had certain individuals just not been conceived & born into untenable situations in the 1st place?
5
If you think abortion isa problem in our society, imagine the burden on children & communities if an already strained foster care system is forced to deal with more unwanted pregnancies & unfit parents.
CONSIDER THESE FOSTER CARE FACTS & STATISTICS:
Over 437,000 U.S. children and youth are in foster care & of these, 118,000 are waiting to be adopted.
18% wait 3-4 years to be adopted.
61% of children removed from their home due to abusive neglect.
14% are removed due to the inability of the caregiver to cope.
12% are removed from their home due to physical abuse.
Children and adolescents with foster care experience are diagnosed with PTSD at twice the rate of U.S. war veterans.
Why aren’t we talking about ways to improve support for children in Foster Care?
http://www.adoptioncouncil.org/blog/2018/01/stats-show-our-nations-foste...
51
"It took me a long time to recover after the death of my child. I still somehow feel responsible that the failed abortion exposed my baby to infection."
Child? Baby? And one feels guilt that one's attempt to kill said mass of cells might have actually worked?
At least you have the decency to offer the stories of people who aren't wholly enthusiastic about what they did.
But where are the 13 stories of women who faced crisis pregnancies, and choose NOT to have an abortion? One would think, in the interests of presenting all sides of the issue, that should be the next installment of this series.
My grandmother got pregnant at 16, in a time and place where nothing was more mortifying. She birthed my mother, then developed a condition which required a hysterectomy, ending any hopes of further kids. Had she killed my mom -- leave aside non-existence for me, my sibs, my kids -- my grandmother would have been deprived of the one thing she loved over all else: children.
Life's not always fair or easy; surprise, that. And no one can ever see the future; we can't know how things would have gone had we acted differently.
We DO know that every abortion kills an innocent human being, as matter of indisputable scientific fact. So, query: are your problems worth a child's death?
It takes a special kind of person to be a parent: one willing to die for one's kids. Obviously, these folks weren't. Perhaps they would have been such poor parents the child is better off dead.
7
"We DO know that every abortion kills an innocent human being, as matter of indisputable scientific fact.
No, no we really don't know this. "Innocent" is not a scientific concept. Neither is whether something is a human being, or a person. Those are philosophical/social/legal constructs. Sure, a fetus is human, like my hair is. But is it a human being? That's a different question.
"So, query: are your problems worth a child's (sic) death?"
Yep. Women have no obligation to gestate. Just like I can't force you to donate blood or organs to a dying child.
I can't believe how selfish you are, though. Why aren't you at St. Jude's donating blood right now? Baby killer.
(See how stupid that sounds? That's sarcasm, for the impaired.)
13
Anyone can be a parent, it's not as though there's a long list of qualifications. Romanticizing it with platitudes doesn't change the fact that most people, nice or cruel, can reproduce. Criticizing and demonizing women for making tough choices is just short sighted and ignorant. The circumstances of your pregnancies were ideal? Then good for you. To say that these women would have been bad parents and that any potential child is better of dead is the definition of rancor. Your statement shows your myopia and general provincialism, and it saddens me that such hateful "pro life" views are held by anyone who exists in and benefits from a civilized, enlightened society.
53
The most important word is in your 4th paragraph: choose. The government is not forcing women to have abortions; it shouldn't force them not to, either. It's about choice.
51
It's good to see the stories that reflect the statistical reality in the US: most women who have abortions are already mothers.
This bizarre public debate over who gets to control a woman's body is primarily political and religious.
But the issues for women seeking abortions are mostly medical, emotional, financial, and family-oriented.
44
Thanks to my legal right to abortion, I had two abortions, both after pregnancies that were the result of forced sex (rape) by an abusive boyfriend, and where he did not allow me to use any obvious contraception such as diaphragm, spermicide or condom (and I did not like the idea of taking either the Pill or using an IUD...).
Why on earth would I have wanted to bear two children with such a man... a man I knew that I would eventually leave once I came up with a viable plan that would ensure my personal safety after leaving him??!!
#ZeroRegrets
64
These are not very good examples to keep abortion legal! In fact, it looks like The NY Times deliberately tried to make the case against Roe v Wade.
8
What? How are they not good examples? Do you have better ones down there in Atlanta? Something more tragic and emotionally devastating, perhaps, than the Massachusetts woman coerced into an abortion by her vile husband because he only wanted their fourth child if that child was going to be a boy? Or perhaps something more tragic than the Honduran woman forced to have sex with the doctor who performed her procedure? Or the Irish couple forced to fly to England for the abortion only to bring their child's remains home in their suitcase and then bury them in secret? Or the Oklahoma woman trapped in an abusive marriage who couldn't safely bring a third child into the world? Come, share the better examples that you have found and present them to us. We'll wait.
11
This is the US, not foreign countries. Let’s just tell the facts. I am a Catholic mid 50’s white women, college educated. I have lived in the South for the last 35 years. At least 75% of the women under 60 who have not had fertility issues have either had an abortion or have had D&C’s. They just aren’t open about them. But give them a few drinks and they will tell their friends. I have taken friends in the 80’s and 90’s. Now I have bought my teen daughters friends the pills in the drug stores. Sent a cookie package to a young ladie I mentored for high school, whose mother wouldn’t get her on Birth control. I sent her cookies, condoms, and the morning after pill, and directions on how she could now sign up for the pill at student health in college, along with cash for copays. Her ignorant mother did not sign her up for Obamacare. That girl is now posting on FB every time a 20 year old announces they are pregnant, that there are no accidental pregnancies and she is sick of hearing it. If it’s an accident and you have to post that on Facebook then get an abortion or put the child up for adoption.
Notice how in countries like Canada or in Scandinavia, where abortion is legal, safe and quick until about 12 weeks, no questions asked, and the culture is secular, and health care is first world and universal, the women tend to be the least traumatized and the most supported. I do not believe any woman makes a decision to end a pregnancy lightly or easily, but her feelings, like her decision, are hers. The world is teeming with suffering and neglected children who anti-abortion folks give little thought oe energy to. They stand on public streets with poster images of blood and body parts - as children walk by. This debate is a patriarchal one, completely about controlling women's bodies and power.
74
There seem to be a pervasive theme in these heart-rending stories: in countries where abortions are safe, legal, and comes without an enormous and public moral stigma (dare I say imposed by men), the post-abortion mental well-being of the women seem far greater than in countries where women jumped through many hoops to get an abortion. For the latter, sadly, it seems like these women are left with a lifelong feeling of shame and guilt after having made the best possible decision for themselves and the unborn fetuses. Sending my love to all the brave women out there for making their very personal decisions.
30
How strange it is that this private , personal, medical decision is anyone's business but the mother, and secondarily, the father. And the idea that you are changing the course of history doesn't apply. If a woman has an abortion one year and has a child another year, the child of the second conception owes their life to the course of events. Anyway, just let everyone make their own personal decisions. It's not like those judging would have lifted a finger to help the new mother and child anyway.
26
You're missing the stories where the woman is having an "incomplete" or "missed" miscarriage (i.e., the baby dies in utero but is not ejected from the body) and needs an abortion in order to not die from sepsis. This is the story of Savita Halappanavar that galvanized the Irish abortion referendum. It is a not uncommon aspect of the abortion story and is heartbreaking when a pregnant woman has to suffer through not only losing a wanted pregnancy but also the pain and humiliation of not being able to get the merciful medical treatment. Here's some of the stories:
https://www.thedailybeast.com/texas-forced-this-woman-to-deliver-a-still...
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/06/25/us/walgreens-pharmacist-pregnancy-mis...
34
Many of these stories are heartbreaking, especially where the woman was a victim of violence. Many unwanted pregnancies are preventable if teenagers, men, and women have access to good health education and contraception. We have to do more, not less, about that.
I guess it is a good that that we are trying to remove the stigma of abortion. After all, it is legal.
But part of me is sad that it is still taboo to talk about miscarriages.
5
When living in Manhattan in the 60's and on flights returning to LGA, there were always young women with their mothers crying and in great discomfort. NY was the only place in the USA to get an abortion that was legal and safe. If the presidents crowd does manage to get Rowe v. Wade overturned, then the only option young women will have is across the border in Mexico.
There is hope however - maybe. We hear the right leaning justices talking about established law. Hopefully this is not just to keep the presidents critics quiet.
10
I hardly know any women who haven't had an abortion. All done legally, in hospital or clinic. No horror stories, no shame, no regrets, no complications. Reasons varied for having the procedure. None were uncomfortable talking about it. Perhaps it was a more liberal, open time; perhaps the luck of living in NYC. Whatever the reasons - this is how it should be for all.
42
I hope The NY Times can continue for several days printing similar accounts. Please don't let this important issue drop, we need to keep hearing these women's personal stories. Thanks for providing these important, and heretofore nearly invisible, perspectives.
24
What about the parents who wanted that child and planned for that child only to find out that it had major physical problems that would not ever be resolved and that their lives, and the child's life, would revolve around finding resources and the stamina to care for that child and try to provide a "quality of life" him or her? Not every child should be born. But rest assured, every child aborted because of those very realistic and sad circumstances WAS loved and continues to be a ghost at the dinner table and will be til the end of time.
18
That story is included.
2
In 1982, a year out of college, I had an abortion. The circumstances were...none of your business. The decision was made after agonizing, heartfelt prayer.
As we waited together, I suggested to the six other young women that we pray. We all knelt on the cold linoleum and I said a prayer, thanking God that we were in a clean, medical facility, and asking His grace during and after the abortion.
Since then I have marched three times in Washington, have licked my share of envelopes, and written my share of checks. I am a single-issue voter: If you aren't right on choice, I wouldn't vote for you for dog catcher.
I have never regretted my decision, which was made based on the information I had at the time. I have never second-guessed myself, and am totally prepared to meet my Maker and sit at the Judgement Seat.
I am just so very, very sorry that Planned Parenthood did not harness the voting power of the millions of women who avail themselves of the PP services annually, though I understand that family planning issues are not the stuff of bumper stickers of license plates.
And now the majority is governed by a minority intent on forcing its religious views on us. Young women of childbearing age are now forced to travel long distances and wait ridiculous amounts of time to receive birth control information and services, including abortion services, the brunt of which will fall, as it always has, disproportionately, on poor women.
It's a damn shame.
109
A pregnancy that you don't want is like looking at the walls of a jail cell that you can't escape for the remainder of your life. No one should have to have that liability, let alone because you accidentally were born with a female body. Women pay a huge price to be female - their bodies are high maintenance, their bodies betray them, their bodies are seen before their humanity and their bodies beat the crap out of them the entire time they are alive in terms of physical problems of all types. As a (male) doctor said to me once, "Women are so complicated..." and he wasn't talking about emotions. Beyond everything women's bodies do the key thing is that there is a person living in that body already - the pregnancy represents a potential - not actual - interloper who may not be wanted, may be an invasion, may be a nightmare. And it is the person who should control her body. Not the damn state. Not some man with a penis. Not some politician with an agenda. Mess with this, the right to control your own body, and you will see the revolution reappear. Conservatives be warned.
65
If you're a woman who is against abortion, don't have one.
If you're a man who is against abortion and doesn't want a pregnancy to occur, then get a vasectomy or use a condom every single time and hope it doesn't break.
But let others make their own decisions.
157
My exact thoughts...if you are against abortion, do not have sex with someone ambivalent about parenthood.
4
I had two abortions as both pregnancies resulted from the failure of birth control. I didn't want to bear children (career woman) and took great care to make sure that I used the best birth control available at the time. Both of my procedures were at under 5 weeks gestation and both procedures took place in a clean, well-run legal abortion clinic. Today, some years later, I do not regret the decision I made as Roe v Wade afforded me the right to terminate an unwanted pregnancy safely and legally. I remember my Mum telling horror stories of women bleeding to death after back-alley illegal abortions. I was grateful for that 1972 ruling that spared me the risk of an illegal abortion. Abortion was and is not birth control but a surgical procedure made with consultation with my ob-gyn under the best of circumstances. My abortions were affordable and safe which is what I hope will continue for women who need this service.
46
After the first abortion, did you consider having a tubal ligation? It’s a safe surgical procedure that might have prevented a second abortion.
3
As a divorced single mom of a beautiful toddler at the age of 28, I sought tubal ligation. I was virtually laughed away at the consult, doctor saying i was too young to make such a choice & would likely regret it. Procedure was denied. A year later, i had a one night fling with a long time childhood crush— the condom broke & was devastated to learn it resulted in me being pregnant. I was finishing my degree & raising one son— didn’t want or need another. Planned parenthood was my saving grace. No regrets, I’m now 48.
32
My husband and I knew we would never want children. I had problems with every form of birth control I tried, including an IUD that sent me to the emergency room. So early on, we sought a vasectomy at Planned Parenthood. There was a roomful of other couples. We all had to watch a movie on the procedure. Then each couple had to go into a room with a counselor. His questions were all about what was wrong with us that we did not want to have children. Did we come from huge families, blah blah. Our answers left him increasingly bewildered. Our just not liking children at all, nor wanting to pay for them, nor my wanting a career instead of being a housewife, did not suffice. Finally he told us his personal story. He was married for 14 years, and he and his wife never wanted children. They divorced, he married another woman who wanted children, and now he was a father. Then he told us we'd change our minds later and ushered us out. I was astonished. This organization was supposed to help us prevent a conception we did not want. Thankfully, a few months later I was able to get a tubal ligation at a hospital that was trying out a then-experimental procedure. They didn't even ask why I wanted the surgery. Forty-five years later, my husband and I are still together, and have not regretted our decision for one second. I have been much happier not living with the constant dread of pregnancy.
5
Contrary to the rants of some “pro-lifers “ abortion is not a cause or reason for shame, or pride. It is a medical procedure. Not your body, NOT your business. PERIOD.
110
I posed an interesting question to friends the other day. What would they think if they worked with a woman (unwed or wed) who was pregnant for 9 months and returned to work after 2-3 weeks without a mention of a baby (baby was adopted)? Would they judge her? Would their opinion of her be different?
The reality is that men's lives don't change with pregnancy or a baby. Women's lives change drastically on so many different levels (physical bodies--peripartum and postpartum, mentally, careers, socioeconomic status, social status, etc.).
Thankfully abortion rates have fallen due to new contraceptive methods, but the option of having an abortion needs to be a right preserved for those that need it.
40
"The reality is that men's lives don't change with pregnancy or a baby."
Balderdash!
Of course our lives change in a myriad of ways, both emotionally and physically. Its a sorry man who doesn't look on his new-born child as an extension of him. Its an equally sorry man who, following his partner's abortion, doesn't share her emptiness, sorrow, regret - and perhaps, relief - at not bringing a new life into this world that neither partner is prepared to nurture to maturity. Don't tell me that my life hasn't changed - it certainly has.
6
Pregnancy is more dangerous than an abortion. A co-worker of my daughter's died about two months after her second baby was born -- of postpartum cardiomyopathy. Which I'd never heard of. So very sad. And that's just one example. So access to safe, effective, affordable abortions is not just a matter of the judgment of others, but also of the health and possibly the very survival of the pregnant woman who doesn't want to be pregnant -- for any reason.
44
Paladin: Your emotions might change, but your body doesn't change as a pregnant body changes. And you aren't judged or held to the same standards as are women. You might change, no one is denying that, but it's a fundamentally different experience during the pregnancy or birth or termination for the woman than it is the man.
8
I fear and dread the time is coming very soon when women in the United States will lose the option of a safe and legal abortion.
25
The story coming out of Lexington, MA was tough to read. But what message should any of us take away from that story? That it would have been better had getting an abortion in Massachusetts been illegal or all but impossible, ruling out such an option for the husband who didn't want a fourth daughter?
The outcome in that case seemed destined to be an unhappy one either way, unfortunately.
4
The message I took away from the horrifying story by the woman from Lexington is that abortion should be safe and legal, but unbiased, non-political, non-religious counseling should be a same-day part of the process in order to protect women from coercion or misinformation. Just a simple five or ten minute requirement to speak with a councilor before the procedure. Anyone with even the most rudimentary knowledge of psychology or a modicum of emotional intelligence would have known immediately that this woman had been coerced, and might have helped her make a decision that she would be comfortable with rather than caving to her husband's pressure.
10
She'd still have to deal with her abusive husband after counseling and then what would he do to her?
2
Francis Grimble: I would hope that if we provided counseling we would also direct women to resources to protect them if their partner was physically abusive. From her story I only see emotional abuse - bad enough but she found the strength to divorce him.
1
The Trump administration and the corporations that support it are against giving a woman the right to choose whether to have a child, but in favor of keeping the children unhealthy by:
1) decimating SNAP benefits,
2) promoting formula instead of breast milk
3) promoting sugary drinks
4) getting rid of regulations that would eliminate toxic chemicals in our food, water, and air.
95
You are right on. You don’t hear pro life people advocating for better lives, food, healthcare, education for the children who are living which shows the hypocrisy of their position and that this is really all about controlling women and their bodies.
6
Exercised my choice at 17, now in my 40’s with no children and absolutely no regrets. For me it was a safe, clean and successful procedure. All of my contemplation was done before I arrived at the clinic. Not all stories are heartbreaking. Not all choices are easy. The ability to chose is what we must never lose.
127
You know how the saying goes: Republicans are against abortion until their mistress gets pregnant.
178
I would amend that to, "Some Republicans pretend to be against abortion until their wife, mistress or daughter gets pregnant".
21
Or Republicans pretend to be against abortion because the only way for them to get elected is to be against abortion - it's a selling point.
23
Thank you for this article. It is true that many of us who have had abortions seldom speak of it. It is very important to see that there are varied reasons for this decision and various (all normal) responses. Also good to hear of the policies of different countries toward unwanted pregnancies. It makes me feel more strongly about the importance of women having reproductive rights.
29
Concerned Citizen your comments are off the mark. This was not pro abortion article, there is no such thing. It was women’s own stories. Women supporting women trust women to decide. The women know their circumstances, their means of raising a child responsibly until they are on their own and the level of support they have or lack thereof.
If you don’t want an abortion don’t have one, simple as that. Safe, legal abortion is necessary to be sure women have equal protection under the law as wealthy women have and will always have the means to obtain a safe abortion.
Without safe, legal abortion women die and children become orphans. I trust women to choose.
111
These stories highlight all the reasons abortion should be a woman's decision and should be legal. I'm extremely tired of the judgement heaped upon women and the laws currently being inacted in this country to prevent abortion. I was raised in the evangelical south and was raped at the age of 6 years by my best friend's father who also happened to be a Methodist Deacon in his church. Like many children, I suppressed the memory until my 30's. Needless to say, I was very screwed up about sex and men. I had two abortions when I was young & I don't regret these abortions. My mother, a church going woman in her 80's, supported abortion rights for women, but it's not something she'd ever admit to her church community.
57
Stories like these are what we need more of. No more bending over backward to apologetically define the procedure as heart wrenching and tragic. Here we're making the case that reproductive choice is a force for social good.
31
It’s called choice...!
25
The husband who would abort a girl but not a boy is one of the creepiest things I have ever heard.
70
China and India are full of guys like that. That's why they have a large imbalance in the ratio of males to females (too many males unable to find wives). Probably other countries too, although I haven't read about them.
22
Sadly there are women who will make the same choice.
7
@Erik
Yes Erik, it is creepy, vile, scary and evil. Such was the world and view of my father. My mother was always believed in her heart that the last miscarriage she suffered was from the manner in which my father was driving the car - so violently and recklessly that she was thrown to the passenger's side, cracking a rib, breaking her wrist and causing her to abort her baby.
13
I was also like the woman from Lexington, Massachusetts whose husband forced her to terminate her pregnancy. My husband dropped me off at the hospital and went to work; I called him when I was awake and able to leave. I hated him that day and eventually we also divorced. The thought of the child that would have been has never left me. To this day, I am sure that I was not the best parent to my other other children. In fact, I unconsciously was far too hands off. After 30 years you would think that the pain would go away; it has not. I would have grandchildren by that child now, I often wonder what a joy they might have been.
10
Maybe you could consider that the child you didn't have would have caused you heartache.
1
It's so important for women's multitude of experiences to be shared in an empathetic manner. There is so much judgment around women making the decision to have an abortion lightly. From my perspective, that is not the case.
I'll add my story. I was 24 and in my third year of law school; I found out I was pregnant and I was not in a relationship. After much thought, I made the decision to make an appointment at Planned Parenthood for an abortion. The father of the child gave me money for the abortion and I went to the appointment. The first time I was there, I was asked if I wanted to see an image of the ultrasound. I said yes. After that, I had second thoughts and the social worker and nurse both said that it was still early and they thought it would be best if I went home and thought about it. I did go home and think for a couple of weeks about how I could logically raise a child at that time and what kind of life that child would lead, and I ultimately decided that it was the best decision for myself and the child to have an abortion. I went back with a friend and had the abortion.
When I woke up, I did feel sad and for a while, I looked at smiling and crying babies with a lot of sadness. I grieved for what could have been, and wrote a letter to the baby I could have had. I still think about this at times and feel sadness, but I ultimately was able to pursue my public interest legal career, and I know that I can decide to be a mother when I am ready and capable.
173
Thank you for telling your story. Personally, I'm supportive of legal abortion even as I don't think I could have had one. All I pray for is for women to do it early and to be thoughtful about it. I think it speaks volumes about you that you have feelings of sadness -- good people do when their decisions and actions have consequences for others, even if we can't imagine exactly what the consequences are. When you have children, I think you'll raise them with empathy and compassion. God bless you.
11
Caitlin I empathize with you. It was a difficult and painful decision. What I don't understand is why you (and many other writers facing the same dilemma) didn't consider relinquishing the baby for adoption as a possible choice? Or did you in fact consider it, but choose not to write about it? It seems possible you could have chosen this option and still been able to pursue your legal career.
1
Sharon, I will speak for myself here about having an abortion and not carrying to term and giving the baby up for adoption. For me, I was young, poor, and uneducated. I could not afford a baby. I considered adoption, but knew I wouldn't be able to go through with it because I was already emotional about the situation. I also knew that if I had the baby, I would be an unwed mother completely dependant on the welfare system with no way off. Tons and tons of heart-rending thought went into my decision to get an abortion. I don't know one woman that didnt agonize over her decision. Not one. I have no regrets and it has been 40 years. I have a beautiful granddaughter now, and it is for her that I fight - for the right to make decisions about her own body.
4
Heartbreaking in so many ways. I'm not sure why this is a topic rich old white men feel is theirs to determine.
57
I don't know either, but opposition to abortion is consistent with opposition to immigration if you consider that rich old white men may prefer native babies, to "somebody else's babies."
7
Yes, it is deeply personal - and it should stay that way. Must we still be having these conversations? Mind your own business, pro-lifers. It's a form of bullying - this incessant attack on women's reproductive rights.
69
I completely agree as a pro-choice person that it's deeply personal and others should mind their own business, which is why I think women should NOT be sharing abortion stories. You make it other people's business if you share something, at which point it is no longer personal and private. Sometimes there is power in sharing - I'm a huge proponent of #MeToo. But other times, silence can be quite powerful too.
4
Women have been aborting pregnancies since the beginning of time. They will continue to do so, until the end of time.
Why? Really, what difference does it make?
It's nobody's business, only the women's who should have the unalienable right to decide what happens to their bodies and their lives.
The fact this nation wants to force poor women across this planet to procreate, only to then cage, starve and orphan the children they are forced to bear is the real story here.
Shame on anyone who think they have the right to legislate what a woman does with their bodies or their lives.
Shame.
145
Important points. I spoke with an 87-year old woman about the people she knew when growing up--in her family and others who had only 1 child. It's hard to believe these people's birth control was always 100% effective.
20
In later years many women (not all) regret having had an abortion. They think about the life that could have been and they carry a heavy, unshakable sorrow in their hearts. A sorrow they dare not even discuss with friends.
When I grew up in Australia back in the 70s, there was concern for the emotional well-being of the patient if she had an abortion. So women were forced to get approval from three different doctors followed by a long discussion with a social worker before being permitted to have an abortion to ensure they fully understood the ramifications of what they were doing.
Contraceptives (including the contraceptive pill) should be free and available at all drug stores with no questions asked.
22
Having to go through all the sessions you refer to seems like infantilization to me. We don't require persons who would buy guns to be 'counseled' and condescended to.
9
Yes, and there was a time, not too terribly long ago, when many people believed that strenuous exercise, like running a marathon, would cause a woman to become infertile.
How soon we forget.
2
I am horrified that a woman's right to choose is being attacked so obviously and by the highest office in the land and many of his supporters and appointees. When a woman makes this very personal and thoughtful choice it is her choice, her body, and so many other very private matters. I'm fed up with those that call supporters of choice baby murders, which is not the case. Men making these decisions are just using the system that they currently control to control women, as they have always have.
Until we remove that stigma around sex ed we will continue to deny our children their right to choose. Abstinence as the only option is for fools.
"if you don't want an abortion then don't have an abortion and teach your children how they can avoid one." Ani Difranco
61
The rich do not have to deal with any of this. Their money gives them a pass, should they choose to take it. These laws only affect the poor. As they were meant to.
84
Thank you for these stories. Thank you, sisters, for sharing them.
20
It’s a poverty that because of economic reasons, a woman has to forego the life of her child. This is not empowerment, but a sad consequence of our capitalistic culture that puts money before family.
6
Some of the stories are heartbreaking — both about the emotional toll it took, but also the difficulties women faced in be able to exercise their reproductive freedoms and free choice.
The selection of stories, though, was striking imbalanced. It's almost as if the editor wanted to ensure that most of what stories had negative, scarring trauma associated with them.
We need to hear more stories from women who have had uncomplicated, but needed abortions, and gone on to thrive without regret.
For starters, see this column and, then, read through the amazing comments where other comes share their heartfelt, it compelling stories that abortion was the key to a happy life.
“Let’s Talk About My Abortion (and Yours)”
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/06/30/opinion/sunday/abortion-kennedy-supre...
11
Thank you for reminding us that there are as many different reasons for abortion as there are women who have them. This is a powerful piece.
17
Each of these stories is so personal. They just reinforce for me the idea that government interference in this arena should be minimal. It's for the woman and those she trusts to decide what's best.
11
I am struck by the editors' decision to front-load the scary, the remorseful, the sad, the traumatic in these stories. While those may indeed be the experiences of some individuals, the vast majority of women that I know who have had abortions have done so secure in the knowledge that their choice was the right one for them, and without any burden of guilt or self-doubt.
43
You make an excellent point, McKee.
My theory is that editors at liberal publications feel pressured to make the majority of these stories seem like horror stories of rape, incest or medical issues so that people feel less outraged about abortion. The fact is that most women get abortions for less dramatic reasons, like simply not wanting to be a mother.
People are horrified that most women feel pure relief after their abortions, not feelings of regret. This sentiment needs to change, otherwise we will be putting these traumatic yet much less prevalent stories at the forefront as long as the fight for women's right to choose continues.
17
Yes, absolutely. Almost invariably, women are relieved after having a safe, legal abortion. After all, they have their lives back.
The only women who seem to suffer post-procedure trauma are those who have had to undergo an illegal procedure, or those whose family or partner, often religious, shamed and blamed the woman.
13
n who shared these stories. I hope the women who have been spared bad outcomes because of abortion will work - either secretly or openly - to push for more choice everywhere as there was a stark difference between back-alley and modern care. The internet option is intriguing from an access and regulatory standpoint.
3
There is not the slightest likelihood that the writers of the Declaration of Independence were referring to embryos or fetuses when they wrote this. And they were certainly not encouraging the stripping of rights from women. In fact, it is clear that exactly the opposite is meant.
I am sorry for those whose religion defines a fertilized egg as a human being, because they are in a tough position. They must fight for a religious belief that most other people do not share, and they get very upset about this. However, their religious beliefs cannot be used to define the rights of others. Thank goodness for the Constitution!!
31
To me, this is an issue of self-determination. Every person should have right to make up their own mind and self-determine disposition of their own body. I think usually a thoughtful difficult decision gets made that's easier for some to live with than others. But it's a decision made from withing a person and not imposted by a 3rd party.
14
Ask an anti-abortion protester how many children they've adopted. Ask a Republican lawmaker what policies they'll fund for unintended or chronically ill children. Their true answers are zero, which is exactly the same right they have to intrude in women's lives and bodies.
124
Judge Barrett, the likely supreme court nominee, adopted two Haitian children.
5
As I've said elsewhere, this rage to control women's choices is about having unlimited cannon fodder and cheap labor. Trying to make it about religion is a scare tactic to keep women tame and subservient. I understand why the world's power brokers try to do this, but what I do not understand is women trying to force limited options on other women. No one is mandating an abortion. If you keep rooting for overpopulation, then it is possible to end up as China was, directing that families could only have one child. Is that what anti-choice women really want? Either way it represents government interference in people's most intimate decisions, something the GOP claims to abhor.
20
These stories are so important. Pro-choice and pro-life debates are so divorced from the real benefits and consequences of the legal decisions. This isn't just a legal debate; it's real women's lives.
18
Medicine has advanced to the degree that there is no reason a woman should suffer through an abortion.
Abortion is among the safest, most common medical procedures.
Then why do women suffer? Governments, men, want them to suffer--to punish them for having sex, for not wanting to or not being able to mother.
I remind you this is 2018.
45
How many men responded with stories of their experience(s) with a woman having an abortion?
Why don’t we hear men’s voices in these discussions?
The number of abortions reported to the CDC is approximately 600,000-700,000 annually since 2009. For sake of argument, let’s assume at least 500,000 men per year had intercourse that resulted in a pregnancy that was terminated.
What do they have to say? Where are these missing men?
14
Gwen, the men don't get pregnant.
17
I have to say I'm pro-choice, but the issue of men and abortion is complicate do. We probably don't hear mens abortion stories because every time the subject comes up in the New York Times a half a dozen women tell the men to sit down and shut up - it's not their choice.
I know men who have been forever relieved when their wives or girlfriends had an abortion, but I also know a couple who felt a devastating sense of loss and helplessness when a partner aborted the pregnancy of a child those men very much wanted to have. You hear about the men who coerced or bullied a woman in to aborting, not the ones who wanted the baby but had no choice at all. The ones left with the sense that their child had been aborted.
4
No human being should ever be born into untenable situations.
Global climate shifts demand that humans population growth rates must greatly drop, as we sadly will witness an exponential increase of areas where food, clean water, fit-for-humans shelter, quality/up-to-date education, & living wage jobs will only get scarcer.
So many illegal migrants & desperate refugees come from nation-states and cultures whose archaic beliefs & draconian anti-preventive birth control/abortion laws/mores abet high birth rates.
Thus, just as overt slavery was finally banned, the entire planet must also overtly ban unplanned/unwanted/coerced pregnancies by making Long-Acting Reproductive Control/LARC mandatory, affordable, and physically accessible.
Abortion, as seen in this article, is an inherently risky surgical procedure which ideally should only be a last resort, when LARCs or even the day-after pill are out of reach, or when fetuses have devastating/quality of life-destroying congenital defects.
Access to the abortion procedure should nonetheless still be legalized worldwide, to save human lives - both that of the mother and the child - from preventable lifetime misery.
This is not just a women's rights issue.
This is an all unborn humans' rights issue too - the right of future humans to only be born to reasonably mature, adaptive, & loving parents who have the means & drive to provide a child economically decent, legally/morally sound, and ecologically sustainable lives!
7
Thank you for sharing your stories.
Women have always believed they had the right to control their own bodies and make their own decisions.
8
The decision to have an abortion is deeply personal and private. It should be legal, safe and affordable. The decision is between the woman and her doctor. This should not be a political issue. It is note worthy that men can go a get a visectomy without anyone accusing them of breaking the law .
22
1990, New York City. I was 30. My partner was 36. I was using a diaphragm for contraception. It failed.
I's been having gynecological problems for months, the doctor I’d been going to couldn’t figure out why. PAP tests were negative. I had decided to go to another GYN. By the time I got an appointment with the new GYN, I was 6 weeks pregnant. He told me that I was pregnant and that I also had cervical cancer; he could not treat the cervical cancer while I was pregnant, and the hormones of pregnancy would accelerate the cancer. He strongly recommended I have an abortion ASAP. I made the next available appointment; 5 days away.
I paid $400 in cash for the abortion. That was nearly a week’s pay at the time. That financial strain was more stressful to me than the procedure. I had a suction abortion. It was miserable and painful. I understood exactly what I was doing; I did not need to be shown photos or a video. I began treatment for the cancer 2 months after the abortion.
I am forever grateful that I was able to have a safe, legal abortion performed by a licensed physician in his licensed medical office nearby, without interference from the government, and without having to wait weeks or months to go to court to ask a judge’s permission.
I have never had a moment of regret. Nor depression. It was the right thing for me to do at the time. I am forever grateful that I had the right to privacy to make that decision with my doctor. I will tell anyone my story.
155
In every case here, all over the world....women seem stunning ignorant of the "birds and bees".
Hello ladies! if you have unprotected sex, you CAN and WILL get pregnant -- even with a boyfriend or husband you've ceased to love -- especially if you sleep around carelessly, or "forget" to take your birth control pills.
The CHOICE to have a baby or not comes BEFORE you have unprotected intercourse.
Young women are very fertile, and yes, JUST ONE TIME is enough to get pregnant.
This is a very biased, pro-abortion article.
8
Did you read all the stories? In one case it was the husband who did not want a 4th daughter! In another the fetus had no brain. In another a woman was raped by her partner who did not use protection.
Editor’s note: This comment has been anonymized in accordance with applicable law(s).
12
Oh, get off your high horse. Unintended pregnancies are a reality in ever country in the world and won't stop any time soon.
And I'd like to hear you scream at the men like that. After all, it takes two to make a baby and they are just as capable of preventing pregnancy as the women.
28
Concerned Citizen, my parents had 5 children in 6 years -- only two were planned. The other three were two diaphragm failures and one vasectomy failure -- after it was checked and found to be successful. Birth control is not fail-proof; if you care to research it, you will find that women become pregnant at varying frequencies using each and every method. The most fail proof method I know of is not to have vaginal intercourse, which, for some reason, a lot of men don't like.
29
All of these stories are important. They represent the experiences of women who have had abortions for different reasons. There are regrets but there is plenty of relief too.
The Declaration of Independence states that all men are created equal. So are women and we deserve the same respect and rights men take for granted in terms of the pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness. Happiness does not always come in the form of having a child.
122
I listened to Trump make a horrible, and new to me, enunciation the other day on the radio - he was at some rally, and he starts yelling how the constitution protects the "right to life"... I have never heard it parsed that way - it was always to me the " right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." I was absolutely shocked. With that kind of rhetoric, the anti- abortionists will take their crusade against womens rights to the wall, and beyond.
111
Trump is wrong, as usual. Those words are in the Declaration of Independence, not the U.S. Constitution.
18
The right to life is meant for people, not embryos. Considering that we did not give that full right to so many actual full developed, born humans for so many years - blacks, women, gay people, disabled people, etc... - they have some nerve insisting that it be granted to something the size of a pea.
33
Do not let Trump convince you of anything. Surely by now you know that he lies about a dozen times each day.
Nobody owns your body but you.
17
Women were given the inalienable right - by their creator - to decide what to do with their own bodies and lives.
That includes the right to decide when and if to bring new life into the world.
I do not know one woman who decided to have an abortion - for medical or personal reasons - that is sorry.
New human beings must be wanted and cherished by their mother. Otherwise women are just creating war fodder for the demented financial elite.
180
Umm, did you read the article? Many women feel terribly for short to life long periods after terminating a pregnancy.
I am as pro-choice as is possible and live in a community often referred to as a "bubble", and I have provided support to women who have suffered greatly with their choice. That does not make it wrong but why sugar coat and ignore the many narratives of suffering, like the ones told here? Life is not easy, medical and surgical terminations, the hormones, side effects and emotions are not either.
4
Btw "concerned citizen" I'd be interested in your stand on free contraceptives. Pre- and perinatal care is very expensive in the US. I've read of hospitals charging 40,000$ for a normal (vaginal) delivery.
Editor’s note: This comment has been anonymized in accordance with applicable law(s).
31
Correction, Concerned Citizen. This article is neutral. But the term is "pro-choice." That's not too hard to say, is it?
5
These stories are important and I'm glad they're being told. It breaks my heart to read about how hard it is for women to get safe abortions around the world.
I will say that it's apparent that liberal news sites will have a large portion of these stories be from the perspective of a mother who wanted the child but couldn't due to medical abnormalities or wanted the abortion because she was raped, etc. Meanwhile, most abortions take place because the woman simply doesn't want to have a child for whatever reason. We need to start normalizing this fact. I want to read more stories about women who don't have time for a child, who don't have the financial means, who don't want to be a mother. Because those stories are the majority and it's absolutely more than fine.
I get that there's a political agenda behind making the stories seem heartbreaking, but the fact of the matter is women should not need a reason like rape, abusive relationships or medical problems to get an abortion. We don't need a reason--it's our bodies. I had two abortions in my twenties and they were simply because I didn't want to be a mom in my twenties. That's it.
Normalize that.
351
I agree, Natalie. I had an abortion in my twenties because it was the wrong time with the wrong person. And birth control failed.
But I am deeply worried about the future, and access to safe, effective contraceptive and abortions, for whatever reason.m
18
I agree. I had an abortion when I was 30 because I absolutely did not want to go through a pregnancy and raise a child at that point in my life. It was my body, my decision and no one's business to judge.
28
“Beautiful infants”? Gross. Every time an anti-choicer hits us with this simpering, maudlin language I laugh. Do you know what a 7 week embryo looks like? Pro-tip, nothing like a one year old. “Embryo” and “infant” are simply not synonyms. If you need to rely on this absurd, emotive language to make your point, you’re losing.
More to the point: adoption is a solution for an unwanted child, not an unwanted pregnancy. I am not a broodmare who should be forced to give birth because Bob and Sue over at church are so sad they can’t have a baby. Simply not my problem. You’re forgetting that a woman has to gestate and give birth to that baby- I’m under no obligation to perform that service for anyone.
You’re also very confused about the meaning of the word “convenience.” Frozen meals are a convenience. So is a 24 hour CVS. An inconvenience is something like missing your bus, or realizing you’re out of milk. Having a child, on the other hand, is one of the most fundamentally life-changing experiences most women will ever have. It is the most physically taxing ordeal most women will go through, and can have terrible and permanent effects on a woman’s body.
It’s pathetic that you can just brush off a woman’s desire to chart the course of her own life and decide whether she wants to become a mother.. whether she wants to stay in school, maintain her financial security, leave a relationship… all as a question of convenience. Just shows how little you value women’s lives.
17
Try being an unwed mother in the 60s. You were sent away to maternity homes where they changed your name. You told no one, not even your family, if you could. You were not allowed to see your baby which was placed for adoption. you were told to go on with your life like nothing happened. try going on....
248
Right. The devastating reality that unwed mothers have been ostracized, hidden, and discriminated against in employment and housing, has not and will not change because we now have better access to abortion services. We need to both provide safe legal options AND stop treating low-income/unwed mothers like something shameful. Babies are still born into difficult circumstances everyday and our society should provide compassionate services and foster a supportive legal framework to care for the women who chose to continue their pregnancies.
20
For half a century I have kept silent about the illegal abortion I had when I was a young single woman living in New York City. After attempting to locate a willing doctor, and using up precious time, I finally learned the name and number of a Union City, New Jersey, obg/gyn, reachable by a bus from Port Authority. I was required to come in for an appointment a week in advance for a physical exam. The morning of the procedure, I waited with at least seven other women for the start of the weekly illegal abortions with a surly nurse in attendance and in a place known to the local police, who had been bribed. That was how things were done in those days. My boyfriend paid the $350 cash fee. I was the first to have the procedure, which hurt like hell because there was no effective painkiller, but I was warned not to yell so as not to spook the other waiting women. This was the longest 25 minutes of my life as the pain mounted during a D&C and I swore off sex. Afterwards the doctor thanked me for keeping quiet and asked if I were a nurse, which I was not. He gave me a prescription for penicillin and told me to call within the week to let him know how I was doing. I have never forgotten any of the details of my illegal abortion in 1967 and I have never regretted it. I wish I could have thanked the doctor who risked everything to help women in the pre-Roe v. Wade days. He was a life saver. He made it possible for me to decide what the next chapter in my life would be.
327
I could have written this piece almost as you have.
As for me: Young and dumb, driven by hormones and fervently believing that you can’t get pregnant the first time and just to be safe you could vigorously shake up a bottle of Coke, stand up straight, insert and drain. Presto, zesto, you were safe! Of course, the young man had no responsibilities here.
Only sometimes you weren’t safe. YOU were pregnant.
The back alley stories aren’t myths; sadly they were a dreadful part of my late 60s generation. I still dream about a good friend, staggering out of the ally...white faced, groaning and terrified. She dumped her purse out and vomited and vomited into it while great gouts of blood dripped between her legs. None of us waiting for her knew what to do but all of us knew she was dying in front of our eyes.
Finally someone called for help. We watched her take her last breath, locked eyes, and then hands and ran away as fast as we could, leaving her there dead on the sidewalk down from the alley.
She would have been a terrific mother but she was out of step with what good girls do
22
Thank you, Mimi and RegoParkBroad.
We need your words and stories to fight the Mad Men Misogynists.
It seems to me that the key to the rapid change in public opinion about same-sex marriage has ultimately been that there are gay people everywhere, who have shared their own stories and shown their friends and family the human, real-life side of an otherwise abstract issue.
So maybe what we need is for more women who have had abortions to share their stories in the same way. I do feel slightly uncomfortable making that suggestion since I’ve never been pregnant (I don’t plan on children and if I had an uninteded pregnancy I would absolutely exercise my right to end it).
But I recently learned that several close family members have had abortions, and I had no idea. In none of their cases was it a big deal; it was legal, safe, quick, and not especially emotionally traumatic. I have no idea how many of my friends have had them.
And that’s part of the problem: before learning about those family members, I could not have named a single acquaintance who’d ever had an abortion, even though the statistics say they are pretty common.
Incidentally, one of those family members was my mother. I had known that I was a “surprise”; but what I didn’t know was that I was the second “surprise” in under six months, and she terminated the first one.
48
I am a supporter of the right to abortion, so please don't bash me as some unreconstructed male who wants to control females' bodies. I fully understand and agree that there are many and various reasons a woman might want or need to have an abortion.
However, I would like to point out a dilemma: all the women who have had abortions, and all the commenters here, would never have had the opportunity to make any comments, or do anything at all, ever, if their mothers had chosen to abort them.
I also wonder about the rights and feelings of fathers, wed or not; after all, IVF aside, it takes two to initiate conception and surely a father has some rights, too.
4
My mother (a middle-class married woman) did not want me; I was a "surprise." I knew this from the time I was five. She was emotionally abusive my entire life. I could not wait to grow up and get out of the house. Does that answer your question at all?
38
So what? Yeah, we all wouldn't be doing anything if our mothers decided not to carry to term. This is just a tautology that adds no value whatsoever to this conversation.
"it takes two to initiate conception and surely a father has some rights, too."
It takes two to "initiate conception," sure. But it only takes one person to complete a pregnancy and gestate a child. Therefore, that is the only person who has any rights with respect to gestation. You're very confused-having sex and being pregnant are simply not the same activity.
What "rights" do you think a "father" should have? I never understand this. Whenever someone writes that a father should have "some rights" it shows they've never given this issue any thought. How can two people have "rights" here? If there's a conflict, who wins? You can't have half an abortion. There's no way to give a man "some" rights without taking away a woman's right to make decisions about her own body.
48
If you or we die tomorrow, we won't be able to make any further comments in The New York Times...but we won't feel bad about it because we won't know what we're missing, because we won't be alive to have that knowledge. See how that works?
33
I recall when a first cousin of mine had an abortion in the mid 1960s. A close doctor friend of my Aunt and Uncle performed the procedure. Our families were devote Catholics and my first cousin was barely in high school. No one talked about this issue then and to this day, it is still never mentioned.
My cousin is in her 70s now and still refuses to acknowledge the subject or the act. But the look on her face and her behavior continues to scream guilt, shame, regret, sadness. Her parents thought an abortion would make “the problem” disappear instead of having to explain the how and why and where the baby came from, not to mention having a 15 year old daughter who is/was an unwed mother.
My mother was desperately hoping for another child (she had already lost four babies to still born and illness issues)and told me years later that she would have adopted and raised that baby as her own. My mother felt that a life was terminated for “social” reasons and always felt a deep loss and sadness after the abortion. She felt like a failure for not being able to convince her sister to allow her to raise that baby. I can only imagine what my first cousin felt and struggled with every day since she was 15.
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I know women who were unmarried and had their newborns taken from them. They seem to have had a much more horrific experience than women I know who have had abortions.
11
I completely agree Cal. Giving birth only to have that precious life taken from you and never to know what happened to your baby has got to be the loneliest, saddest and most despairing emotions in the world. I think both extremes of either being forced to have an abortion vs. wanting to keep your baby but he/she is taken away from you forever - is nothing short of a life time filled with sorrow and emptiness.
Thank you very much for your added insight. Much appreciated.
2
She was young and she was silenced for social reasons, which is awful. That said, I take fault with a different issue. You are speaking for your cousin, and assuming her thoughts and feelings, that's not right. If she refuses to talk about it, it could be because she knows you already have a perspective about what she went through. It is nice that your mother wanted to raise her baby, sort of. That's not thinking of your cousin, that's thinking of your mom's loss, what your mom wanted. Your cousin may have been traumatized, she may have wanted that baby, we won't know- because this isn't your abortion story.
3
What about the men in these stories? All in the backgroud. Some demanding, some supportive, some not even there. And that's what makes reproduction a uniquely female issue. But then it's overwhemingly decided by those demanding or supportive or absent men. This is a terrible disconnect. Not even the most empathetic male can feel what these women feel. Yet men out there feel compelled to judge women and force decisions upon them.
313
Well said; I remember viewing with disgust the all-male parade of 100% male conservative politicians Catholic priests meeting to try to carve out exceptions to Affordable Care Act requirements that would have mandated
18
@SeekingAnswers
I'll tell you the other half of my story; Him.
My comment has been posted already, it begins with "1990, New York City. I was 30. My partner was 36. I was using a diaphragm for contraception. It failed."
After the GYN gave me the diagnosis of cervical cancer and pregnancy, I told my partner that night. In one sentence, "I am 6 weeks pregnant and I have cervical cancer." Then I told him I'd scheduled the abortion with the same GYN in 5 days.
He heard only the first half of that sentence. He was elated, threw his arms around me and squealed, "A baby! We're going to have a baby!"
I pushed him away, and told him he wasn't listening to me. "I HAVE CANCER! LISTEN TO ME!" I said first things first; I have to get healthy! I'm having the abortion, then I'm going to be treated for cancer. We can plan on having a baby later, after I'm well again.
He argued with me. Think about that for a while.
I was furious. I told him I was having the abortion. I was going to pay for it myself. I'd like him to come with me. But I did't really care how he felt about it. I made it very clear it was not his body and not his decision. If he didn't want me to have the abortion, or didn't want to come with me, I wanted all of his belongings out of my apartment and every trace of him gone when I got back from the doctor's office.
He came with me to the abortion. We broke up 1 year later after he beat me during an argument. He likely would have beaten our child, too.
2
Seriously: ALL of them?
This issue is and will always be about choice; a safe and legal choice for women (and men) to maintain control over family planning. The right likes to characterize this issue like women are reckless when it comes to this decision, but no one goes out of their way to abort a pregnancy. However to deny women (and men) the right to decide is wrong and will not solve the problems we face with family planning in this country. If you don’t want to terminate a pregnancy, then don’t! That too is a choice, YOUR choice!
Instead of this endless battle, let’s begin to prepare young people appropriately about their sexual lives. Safer sex and protected sex should be a corner stone moving forward. To discuss abstinence as a viable option will only make for more unwanted pregnancies or surprise pregnancies. Having a family is no small task. It’s is expensive and a full time job (emotionally and physically) that everyone should be able to choose when, where, and if to begin that journey.
We need to stop lobbing this issue back and forth from left to right every 2-4 years, and begin to have an adult conversation as a country about this very important issue that is not only about the health of women, but also the health of families.
155
In 1973 I was a pro-life activist, marching through the streets with pictures of bloody baby body parts. The idea that I crusaded for the unborn fueled my actions,I was driven. At the same time ERA was making it's way through the states, Illinois being one of the last hold outs. I worked vigorously to lobby for passage of the ERA and was outed inside the pro-life movement as an unstable, unsteady feminist. It was then that I realized how deep the hatred of women runs in the pro-life movement which is most often lead by men.
Emotionally battered, I shifted my efforts towards ending violence against women, while listening to the stories of rape,violence, battering, emotional battering, abuse of children and family pets. More and more I realized that as long as men are able to colonize women's bodies through legislation women would truly never be able to self determine their lives.
Does a life end in abortion - yes. Colonization always takes lives and hostages. Women live under the yoke of male entitlement and the government colludes in the crime. Today I stand for abortion on demand without apology. Only when women are free of laws that invade their vagina's, and other parts of thier lives, will women take back thier bodies.
Even while our conservative friends on the right yell about less governement, they push for greater intrusion into the most intimate part of a women's life.
Government ends at the exam room door and its on us to keep it shut - amen sisters.
302
And that is exactly why we need to stop referring to them as "pro-lifers" and call them by what they really are: "forced birthers." Because the truth is that they aren't supportive of anyone's life; not the life of the woman, which will be derailed by being forced to carry to term a child she does not want and/or cannot take care of, and most certainly not the life of the child who they insist be born but don't want to provide financial assistance or even health insurance to. As someone else here wisely quoted, "Words matter."
4
Beautifully written. Maybe the best statement for abortion when asked for, when decided on, that I have ever read.
2
@Lou Ness Thanks for sharing, Lou. The inability to pursue an abortion legally makes all women potential slaves, with their human right to bodily integrity and autonomy refused to them, plain and simple.
2
It was 1976 and I was home on a break from college, when I discovered I was pregnant. In the midst of confusion, happiness and fear, I started to miscarry. I was rushed to Cedars-Sinai hospital where I was exposed to the most unspeakable and demeaning treatment from both doctors and nurses.
Bear in mind, I needed a therapeutic abortion to save my life and it was legal in California to have this procedure. To this day, I can remember the way the nurses treated me, their abruptness and the anger in their eyes.
As I tried to recover, I was haunted by the way I had been treated. Never did I think I would be subjected to the lack of care or concern displayed by these supposed medical professionals.
I was forever scarred by this experience. Not only did I lose my baby, a heart-wrenching experience on its own, I was also exposed to something no sick or grieving patient should ever be exposed to: blatant prejudice.
We can't go back to the days when women had their rights curbed by people who profess to love God, but exhibit unholy, controlling behavior toward them.
A woman must have dominion over her own body.
291
First, I will never, ever forgive myself for the abortions I had. Even though the situation was terrible and had no good outcome, I can't forgive myself. I have never forgotten the hate I felt for my own body, and how that has colored my feelings about myself ever since. This was 40 years ago, and legal, and still it can feel fresh at times.
Despite my experience, I still strongly believe in a women's right to choose. I deeply resent the horrible, misogynist and hateful rhetoric I hear frequently on this topic. I resent the refusal to offer sex ed and easily available birth control to girls and boys. I resent the refusal on both sides of this issue to find common ground.
We must find common ground.
133
rebecca, i forgive you. I'm sorry that you have suffered beyond the incredible difficult decision and the process.
2
If only more people could be honest about their experiences, both positive and negative. If only we could stop fighting about the legality of abortion and move on to move on to whether or not it is the right choice for that specific woman and her family. If only we could support all women, regardless of their choice. Safe, legal abortion is not the only factor in choice. Having real options, a real option to have the baby as well, is part of having a real choice.
4
please - find a good therapist and forgive yourself. your self hate is likely rooted in something else.
good luck
1
Perhaps a reason so many women felt they could not tell their abortion stories is that they rightly felt shame for what they had done. It is almost 40 years since I had my aobrtion, and I have not told anyone except when I confessed it to my priest, and told my future husband. Is there a reason women should be telling their abortion stories, except to discourage others? Perhaps not.
5
I know lots of women who have had abortions. None of them have expressed anything but relief.
10
@Cynthia Starks Speak for yourself. You should definitely NOT be on this comment thread trying to shame others for their choices. Good riddance.
2
@Cynthia Starks I was 18 when I was raped. My rapist was the pastor of a local Protestant church. Although he used no condom and I, still a virgin, wasn't on birth control, I somehow did not get pregnant. I'd thank God except God wasn't in that room that day.
You can trust and believe, had he gotten me pregnant I would have gotten an abortion, and I would have felt no shame for it. The shame was not mine to bear. You may well feel ashamed of your choice, but it is NOT your place to shame others.
2
I had an abortion easily in NYC in 2011. I was 26 years old, at the start of my career and years into an extremely toxic relationship with my boyfriend who was an alcoholic, emotionally and verbally abusive and at times violent. When I found out, I was torn but ultimately decided to go ahead with it, against the wishes of my partner. In the days that followed while I made the arrangements, he and his family continually harassed me, trying to prevent me from going through with it. At the time, I almost caved under the pressure of the abuse but I am so grateful for my family for helping me through that very dark time in my life. At the time, I questioned my decision thanks to the blindness inherent in abusive relationships, but in hindsight it was clear all along why I could not have that child. Aside from having been raised with an abusive alcoholic as a stepfather... How could I have brought a child into the situation I was in and feel confident in my decision? How could I have raised a child with a father like that? I simply couldn't and to this day I do not regret it. Was it a hard decision to make? Yes. Did I struggle before and after? Yes. But I made it through, I recovered and my life is happier and better because of it and a child is not suffering with an unstable parent because I was too "ashamed" or guilted into having them. One day I will find myself in the right situation to bring a child into this world through love. I don't see anything wrong with that.
8