This piece highlights the need for our society to care for each other no matter what lifestyle path we choose. The writer has engaged in the lives of the children around her which is very important (being part of the village). And it sounds like she has a good friend group that rely on her.
Hopefully, she will have receive this same support should she become ill or as her need for help may increase when she is aging. This is the concern I hear from my many friends who do not have children or a partner (and having children/partner does not necessarily mean they will care for you in old age). We need to have better systems of care in place - whether informal through friends and from the state.
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I don’t know why people believe that a woman’s life can’t possibly be happy and fulfilled without children.
Now that I am divorced, I am so incredibly grateful that we never had kids. Post divorce, I am happier than I have been in years. My house is alternately quiet and filled with friends and laughter. I go where I want, when I want with no obligations to be home at a specific time.
But here’s the thing that is not mentioned in the article-very few (if any) parents will admit that they regret having children. They are most likely the ones to tell women how empty their life is.
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Reminds me of Ann Patchett, down to MacNicol’s introductory anecdote about Her encounter with that patronizing successful male writer.
That’s not a criticism. The world is certainly big enough for more than one memoir from a woman who chose a life without/free from (the term matters) children.
Writing this as a man in my 50s, my reaction is sadness, not for MacNicol but for our society, which apparently still cannot allow people—I resist saying “women especially” because we are all pressured in various ways—their life-defining choices, when they have no impact on the lives of those who would stigmatize her.
I wish we could live and let live.
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Well hello there to Ms. Fabulous! I loooove that she is loving her life. Why not? The expectation for women to get married and have children as their end-all-be-all is just plain silly at this point. I’m 48 and a mom of 3 and happy with my choices but they are exactly that - choices. I waited to be a mom until 37 (thanks very much to Roe v. Wade) as I am also an artist/creative and loved my life before kids and surprise - they change everything! You must sacrifice so much of yourself to invest in the growth of your children. So why not choose to not do it at all and to instead invest in your self - your own growth, happiness, and life experience. I hope she writes her book. I for one would love to read it.
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The writer is trying so hard to convince me that she is indeed happy but I don’t feel her joy at all.
In general, people are happy from within when their life has a purpose. This could be raising children or a life of service or perhaps a demanding career, amongst other choices. Instead, the writer talks about being a nanny to her oldest friend’s children (“school runs”) or being the favorite aunt or writing a book about being single or living in Paris for a month. It rings hollow to me.
The writer choosing to be childless is something I totally understand and respect but to brag about being single and happy is silly in this context. You can be single and happy when a toxic relationship ends or you are occupied with things that take a higher priority (caregiver / career /heath / self reflection / in therapy etc.) However, I genuinely believe that it is a human need to crave for companionship especially as one grows older. Life is so much richer with a warm, supportive and kind partner who lifts you up. We may not have it and that’s ok but to not recognize it is immature.
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@P your comment seems to be exactly the ones the writer can’t stand. The whole point is that no one believes a single and child free woman could be truly happy and no matter what she says to counter that, people continue to disagree she could really be happy.
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@P - Puhleeze! Yet another negative outlook on women who have made a decision about living their lives without bringing children in this world.
Ms MacNicol is financially independent, has a career she loves and is surrounded by friends and their children who rely on her for her support and role model. You say “you can be happy and single after a toxic relationship ends”. Certainly this will happen but let’s add a few kids into this mix…not so much.
I got the “live your life” memo at a very young age and am all the happier for it. I travel when and wherever I wan’t, splurge on things I want without having to think about college funds, I too have a fulfilling career and have had some loving relationships with partners until they weren’t and I moved on.
Good on you Ms MacNicol and all the other childless women out there! Live your life, you only get one.
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@P You missed the point. It doesn’t matter one whit if you’re convinced that she’s happy. All it means is that you find happiness in different things, and you shouldn’t project those onto others.
I’m 42, single, child-free, financially independent with a job I love, and fully blissed out living a rich life in a major American city. My friendships are going on 20 years. I find it easy to balance all of my needs while help others’ with theirs. I volunteer at a children’s hospital 8 hrs per month. I have no shortage of date offers, often from guys in their 30’s—a few have been in their 20’s! (I’m told I look much younger than my age). Most of these guys, while perfectly decent, I turn down due to lack of interest (I stay open to a relationship, but there’s no rush because nothing feels “missing” from my life). I remain close platonic friends with a few former boyfriends-turned-lifelong friends, which is an especially underrated type of rewarding friendship in my opinion.
All this, stated as fact, would still lead others to look for the lie in my simple assertion that “I’m happy,” but indeed I am. A healthy relationship would perhaps also make me happy—but would still require more effort to negotiate. My last relationship made me miserable to the point of depression, while ending it and moving into my own place felt like a liberation. Therefore, relish the sense of independence I have, and that includes from others’ expectations. I believe her because I know how she feels.
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