I respect the author's choice to wear the Hijab.
The primary purpose of the Hijab was to hide women in public. Why? So that men wouldn't get stimulated by looking at their curves. That may have been fine some 1,500 years ago in Arabia where the rules of Hijab were handed down.
Today, to accuse most men of being like sexual animals for looking at a fully dressed but un-hijaded woman is kind of offensive.
20
And even after having her (relative) freedom, higher education, and "tragedies," the writer still knows who to turn to—others like her, and ends her piece, "laughing at everyone else." Laughing at everyone else—that's the true tragedy here.
15
Your hijab whether hoejabi or not speaks louder than your words by conforming to the dogma of religious males. No religion on earth restricts women more than islam, and you are expressing sympathy. Be a muslim woman but be a modern one. Toss the scarf. I have little sympathy for women who do mens sexual bidding for religious so called reasons. It frankly makes me angry to see so many young muslim women wearing the hijab and being provocative underneath or in excessive make up.
Its sad to be so conflicted. Wearing a scarf doesnt make you a person who honors god.
26
I have a question about English usage, admittedly not the focus of this interesting column. The author says she began wearing "the hijab"; I would have said that a woman wearing a hijab is wearing "a hijab," i.e., I would use the indefinite rather than the definite article. As a proto-Muslim, i.e., a Jew, I wear a tallis (prayer shawl), a yarmulke (skull cap), I don tefillin (philacteries, whatever that is), a woman wears a sheitel (wig) or a snood (loose covering of her hair), or a kerchief on her hair (I don't know the Hebrew or Yiddish name for the kerchief covering one's hair). Why the difference? Is it a carryover from the Arabic? Or something else?
10
The author complains about others preconceptions and assumptions about herself, while she assumes her male classmates are all named Mike, guzzle beer, watch patriot games and wave flags.
52
Where did she write that she assumes that all her male classmates are like that ... ?
She didn't.
4
Anyone who has a choice in the matter and chooses to wear clothing with a religious meaning, is going to be assumed by others to be a strong believer in that religion, and therefore someone who tries to follow the precepts of that religion. Why should they assume the reverse? Are they not to take those symbols seriously, and dismiss them as irrelevant?
The sexual behavior expected by various major religions are pretty well known, whether Catholic, Evangelical, Orthodox or Conservative Judaism, or Islam, and so the expectations people have of those who wear such religious symbols are logical and rational.
Why would you expect illogical and irrational behavior from the people you meet?
45
There are things both very unique to the writer, a young 1st generation woman Muslim college student and very general as a person. I remember asking myself some of the same questions decades ago as young many-generation white man Christian college student. I don’t dismiss the uniqueness of things i don’t fully understand or appreciate but we share the challenge of distinguishing our own religious beliefs, sexuality, hopes, and aspirations from those of our family and culture of origin. These conversations are defining. I hope that the is author is blessed by the conversation.
3
When do Muslim women start wearing the hijab? Not when they choose to, but when they have their first period. And what is the point of a hijab, besides identofyimg the wearer as Muslim? It covers the hair in the interest of being modest. So someone has every right to be confused when someone who is visibly trying to be modest because they are now sexually adults also wants to be treated like someone who isn't letting their religion and culture dictate their sexual identity.
30
What else happens when a girl has her first period? Her oil glands start working, sometimes in over production.
If I were a scientist, I would research oil adsorption and absorption properies of silk, cotton, wool, cahmere.
If I were an economist, I would research the cost of the availability.
If I were a researcher, I might ask my elder Tribesmen what was the reason for this.
alas, I am a grandmother, and we keep our secrets, secret, until no one listens anymore, and then we get emotional. Cry and talk.
Rinse and repeat.
Note: rinse and repeat only in pure water sources.
If you are a secular Muslim, why wear the hijab?
Of course you are "automatically held to a different standard, assumed to be deeply religious rather than secular," just like anyone wearing distinctive garb in public. You are sending mixed signals.
39
The great American author Kurt Vonnegut wrote that we are what we pretend to be. I checked out the photograph on your Twitter account. If you dress in the style of a religious person, the world will treat you like you are a religious person. If you dress like a punk rocker, the same. If you dress like a Wall Street banker, the same. This is because most people don't give more than 2 seconds thought to other people that they encounter on the street. If one would like to be taken in a different way, present in a different way, right?
44
That's not how the world functions.
What you may associate with "punk rocker" will depend on the images of punk rockers you encountered in your own life, and the values, ideas and emotions you came to attach to those images, which may be very different from what someone else came to attach to them, whereas the person deciding to adopt a "punk rocker" look may do so for reasons that are different from what both you and other people may associate with it.
The same goes for religions.
There are more than a billion Muslims, which means that any individual Muslim has the right to his own religious practice and beliefs, just like any other religious person, AND that those may vary wildly, so that the only way to know WHAT such a person actually believes, is ... to talk to her, rather than to stick to the prejudices in our own minds.
And certain people try to regularly question their own prejudices, whereas others tend to forget to do so.
What the author of this op-ed is remembering is WHAT the prejudices dominating in the West for two centuries now about Muslim women are, and why they are way too simplistic and often totally false.
That's good to know, because that means that who these women pretend to be does NOT correspond to our images of them, AND thanks to op-eds like this, we can correct those images, and turn them into something closer to who those women really are.
Conclusion: there is no excuse for prejudice. We all have it, so we all have to watch out, and change.
9
Clothes don't make a person holy (if only it were that simple!). It's how you're adorned on the inside that determines your virtue.
4
As I write this comment from a nail salon in NJ, wearing a Friend of the Pod t-shirt I respectfully say, “own what you wear”. The hijab says you are religious, observant and compliant. that’s why people treat you as if you are.
45
If the hijab and other religious wear doesnt signal celibacy (to fellow college students), it at least signals devout religiosity. this was how I approached girls with hijabs growing up in a suburb with a significant South Asian and Arab population. Adding to the sensitivity and caution of men who are woke in the #metoo era, can you blame men for not flirting with conservative-seeming Muslims?
33
The misogyny of Catholic, Orthodox Judaism, Islam, and any other religion that considers women as less than a man, makes one wonder at participation of women in those religions. Why do they participate?
16
1. As soon as you put sacred texts back into their original context, you cannot but notice that Jesus and Mohammed were far ahead of their times, when it comes to treating women equally.
That means that for all those who read those texts in an intellectually valid way, being a Muslim/Christian/... today means applying THAT to contemporary societies, in other words fighting for the next step in the liberation of women, here and now.
And that's exactly what the author of this op-ed is doing too, by remembering that our stereotypes about Muslim women are just that, stereotypes, which urgently have to be dropped IF we want to treat women equally.
2. Western culture today continues to pay women less for the EXACT same job a man is doing, and sexual harassment remains a huge problem, including on the work floor. So it's not certain Catholics, Protestants, Jews, Evangelicals, Muslims etc. ALONE who "consider women as less than a man", many Western atheist still adopt the exact same approach to women.
And yet, you're not asking why certain women decide to "participate" in atheism.
Attacking "religion" when you actually want to attack misogyny is not the right strategy.
5
I, too, have so often wondered at the appeal of these belief systems.
4
Because what you interpret as "considering women less than a man" is not the way those women interpret it.
They interpret it as the religion recognizing and honouring their special roles as women, wives and mothers, which was what life was about for most women until very recently.
They see their role models in Mary, or Fatima, or Ruth, etc..
2
I don't want to reveal too much of my personal life, but I can assure you from my own family that Christians can convert to Islam and become hijabis, and their daughters, who are sometimes hijabis and sometimes not hijabis can marry Irish Patriots fans who may or may not convert to Islam. And they can do this all while having other siblings who marry Jews. Just be sure that during Ramadan, Christmas dinner is served after dark. And it's best to avoid pork, but everyone can eat latkes.
7
Miss Benzi:
The USA chick flick movies you mention are moral trash. Don't watch them again.
Consider yourself lucky that YOU grew up in a culture where your essential values --your sex, your potential, your happiness -- were carefully taught to you, and how to achieve those values. Be grateful.
You will eventually grow out of your immaturity and realize all of this.
5
Dear Ms. Benzizoune, This is my 2d comment submission, the Comment Review algorithm is taking its time with the 1st one.
I have read a sample of the comments and it appears that very few are interested in discussing the hoejabi concept and your focusing on it. It appears that the majority want to express their views on wearing a hijab.
I left the USA 22 years ago to move to Linköping SE where I have met at least once 100s of hijab wearers at the Linköping Red Cross and have known many of them for many years.
All I know about the definition of "hoe" is what I can learn from Googling. Given those definitions it puzzles me why you might want to see yourself as a hoejabi even though you tell us that the word is intended to mock the original use of that word.
I admit I would like to see a second try in which you just discuss the experience of being a hijabi and then going over to turbani. In the very large Somali population here almost every young woman is a hijabi but many whom I know well are high-fashion hijabis. Those who choose high-fashion hijabs seem to me to be making a statement: "In Sweden (Naimi, Suad, Fatima etc) enjoy a freedom not possible in Mogadishu and wearing a different multi-layer hijab every day tells that story.
Final thought, I associate the word hoe with USCB black "race" individuals but you, as Moroccan are white by USCB "law". One more reason why I wish you had left the hoe out of your essay.
Only-NeverInSweden.blogspot.com
Citizen USA SE
2
You say, "To be honest, the Venn diagram of the men who are attracted to me and the men I am attracted to resembles two circles separated by the Atlantic Ocean."
That's the problem right there. You should look into why that is, and find a way to let the men you are attracted to into your life. It's not about the hijab. It's about you.
16
What runs through every part of this article is a "blame others for my problems" attitude, and self-pity, about "my sexuality . . . being decided for me."
Seems to me, the author has three choices: (1) remove hijab and other the clothing that identifies her as an observant Muslim; (2) confront people directly and openly when they make false assumptions about her; or (3) stop caring what other people think, because after all, people's ignorance is their problem not hers.
The author should keep in mind that there are plenty of other people in comparable situations, including women who are Orthodox Jews (who wear head coverings and long skirts), and Sikh men (who wear a particular type of turban).
The author is midway through her college career at a liberal school. As she continues with her education, perhaps she also needs to keep in mind that students are constantly making all sorts of baseless assumptions about other students for all the wrong reasons. For example, what about the black student whom others may "automatically hold to a different standard" of academic prowess, on the baseless assumption that the black student was able to enroll just because of some racial preference?
As Daniel Kahnemann points out in his essential book "Thinking, Fast and Slow," our brains are hard-wired to make assumptions and jump to conclusions. Getting angry and frustrated when other people do what they're hard-wired to do is a recipe for anger and frustration.
19
Contradictions, contradictions! There are nuns and hijabis with warm bodies and active minds under all those clothes, good for them!
An enjoyable writeup about yet another modern dilemma. All the best to Ms Benzizoune is resolving her hoejabi-ness. Like college, these crises too shall pass!
7
Her experience is both cultural and religious. The unifying fact for both is that they were invented by men. Her decision to remain Muslim in dress does negate the fact that said garments are designed to oppress women. Merely pointing this out does not make one a bad person.
8
EVERYONE is figuring out their sexuality at Benzazouine’s age-in marriage, with other partners, or in their own crush/fantasy life. I applaud her honest humor.
We get hung up on the hijab more than any other religious dress, maybe because it is so visible. Non-Muslims-myself included-may conclude it is about religiosity or subservience to men, without any indication from the wearer that this is HER purpose. We don’t allow for breadth of personal meaning for the wearer, as we might with other symbols. Is every Jewish woman wearing a hamsa necklace fearful of the evil eye? Is everyone wearing a cross a confession-attending, abortion-protesting Catholic? For that matter, do those symbols necessarily indicate belief, or perhaps are they family or cultural touchpoints? Many commenters seem to assume there is no range of teaching or belief in Islam.
“Modesty” of school uniforms is often described as a means to focusing self and community on learning and/or work, rather than vanity or wealth. Muslim women scientists I know have cited the same reason for wearing hijab to work. Perhaps a woman wears a scarf (or veil) because she feels immodest without it. Is that wrong? My husband feels naked in shorts. Some can’t bear to wear a visible bra strap, or bright lipstick, or a shirt with no collar. And others feel oppressed by uniforms or like to expose more skin. In Western culture, we allow a range of “appropriate” options. Shouldn’t we extend that to folks who feel best in a scarf?
9
We need a new religion, with the following tenets:
1. We worship a supreme Goddess, giver of life.
2. Men and women are equal (not "complementary").
3. Science yields truths, not heresies.
4. Women's normal bodily functions such as menstruation are not seen as "impure."
5. Non-human life and complex ecological systems are to be respected, not raped for resources.
6. Sexual desire and pleasure are seen as good, and violence is not.
7. Human life is about quality rather than quantity.
I am open to suggestions for what we should call this new religion.
Oh, and people can eat/wear what they want.
11
Where do I sign up?
1
The first step is to lose the religious outfits.
The clothing is an ancient construct that has no place in 21st century America.
If Muslims want acceptance in America, they need confront, contain and expel the extremists. The extremists are not religious and they deserve no special treatment under our form of government just because they claim these ideas are their "religion."
15
It is time, I think, to take this issue out from behind the religious "cover" that surrounds it, and call it for what it really is...
It is about control.
And when it becomes about control, it can become abusive. It can be physical abuse, or it can be psychological. But abuse it is.
I find it odd that the Muslim tradition of holding women in second class status hasn't been more of a rallying call than it it.
If we are working to assure the liberation and equality of women, as we should as basic human right, why are we being so reticent in calling out the Muslim culture for its unwillingness to move beyond the unwarranted exercise of raw power?
20
I'm a non-practising person from a Muslim background. Hardly any Muslims of my age (50s, born in the UK) or older wear a hijab; the more observant women of my generation or our parents' assimilated by wearing normal not-too-revealing western clothing outside the house. My mum arrived in the UK in the early 60s and sometimes covered her head with a loose traditional scarf at home. She would tie on a square silk headscarf when she went out, as did many western women back then (and as the Queen still does on occasion!) and didn't look out of place.
The hijab, which is intended to ensure that not a single hair on the head is exposed, was traditionally only worn by the deeply religious as part of a total package of modesty and piety, including not drawing attention to one's looks or figure.
I think modern younger women, particularly those born and brought up in the West, are drawn to the hijab as a statement of some kind rather than out of religious conviction. Some confused non-Muslims have asked me why many women wear heavy makeup and revealing or attention-grabbing clothing with a hijab. I have to reply that I really don't understand it myself.
Whatever the reason for wearing a hijab, it seems to me that it's somewhat contradictory to refer to oneself as a secular Muslim if one's wearing an obvious symbol of the religion. The same applies to any other religion. If you define yourself first and foremost by your religion, then you probably aren't secular.
56
These women are drawn to the hijab as a statement of identity politics and non-assimilation. It seems very suspect to me that non-Western people emigrate to the US, UK and other Western nations to enjoy the fruits of a superior culture and then refuse to assimilate. Many Americans are very sympathetic to immigration; we are not sympathetic to colonization. Every young hijab-sporting Muslim woman in the US and UK is a walking advertisement for Donald Trump and Brexit.
23
I challenged my parents' religious beliefs starting at around 10 years old, and at 12 told them I did not wish to adopt them. I was not allowed, but as soon as I was on my own at 18, I immediately dropped them. That was 50 years ago. I have very little patience with people who adopt customs that are universally (not just in the U.S.) seen as conservative, and then want the mountains to move to accommodate them. I don't believe in marrying within my religion (I didn't) or that either spouse has to adopt the religion of the other, or even that each person has to adopt only one religion, or any at all.
I'm not going to change those principals, so if you need for me not to believe that someone who adopts conservative beliefs and customs is not a conservative thinker, I'm afraid I won't be accommodating. Large parts of the world are syncretic, and the majority of the world's population does not believe that people have to be either/or.
If you don't want people labeling or presuming things about you because of your religion, you might just look around and to understand that the only people who's religious beliefs are known in a crowd are those who display them in a crowd. People come here from very secular countries in Europe and are amazed that nobody knows what religion each other are. That's our way of life. We will be inclusive up to a point, but if you set yourself off people will assume you want to.
42
So ... your advice to religious Americans would be: run and hide.
How do you reconcile that with the US Constitution and Freedom of Religion ... ?
As to your idea that "the only people who's religious beliefs are known in a crowd are those who display them in a crowd": you're confounding religious symbols and religious knowledge.
There are SO many different interpretations of the Quran and hijabs, within Islam, that you cannot possibly jump from seeing a woman with a hijab to imagining what exactly her religious beliefs are. All you can conclude is that she's probably a religious person.
And no, publicly showing that you're a religious person is NOT the same thing as "wanting to set yourself off". It simply means that there IS a difference between you and people who decide to not wear any religious symbol in public, and that's it.
Finally, many progressive Muslim women wear hijabs too, remember?
The only way to stop labeling people is to refuse to do so. Asking people to take off all symbols that MIGHT make people who still ignore how to not label others, start labeling others, is just being intellectually lazy, imho, or ... wanting the rest of the world to accommodate to your own stereotypes.
2
"I am automatically held to a different standard, assumed to be deeply religious rather than secular"....Ok, I am confused. If you are not deeply religious, why do you choose to go around wearing a sign that says that you are deeply religious?
48
Just as wearing 'punk' regalia is an expression of identity, the hijab is a statement.
Losing the Hijab would be both scandalous and a non-event, but neither outcome would be the author's fault. Wearing the Hijab is normal at home, but a remarkable act in public.
But our clothing being a "statement", is way more true in New York city then in for example, a fishing town in Alaska.
In Alaska, nobody would think about asking you about your clothing choice, they'd see it as none of their business. In New York city, or any city, clothing is one way we differentiate class; who we can talk to, and with whom we can socialize, and why. The boundaries.
I empathize with the author's dilemma, and take it on faith she'll find her way.
7
I'm struck by what I see as a certain lack of empathy in many of the readers' comments. This is a bright, thoughtful young woman's insights and offerings about her experiences to date. As a 70-year-old retired educator who used to teach people English and writing at this age, I'm pretty impressed with what she says and how she says it -- and that's not because I think Muslim women can't be literate and articulate: it's because she's 20. Beyond that, the veiled and unveiled (pardon the hijab pun) slams on her perspective miss much of the point: this is one woman moving through the world and telling us about it, not a discourse on broader Muslim practices.
Ms Benzizoune may be struggling with what hit us as a few ironies -- who isn't these days -- but for one I'm happy to read her current record of a life between one world and the next, of her navigating some uncomfortable rapids. The judgments we are handing out these days are quick and many -- thanks to Ms Benzizoune for the courage to risk our handing her even more.
38
Dear SGK,
There's more of a lack of empathy in the comments these days, as these are the times of Trump. Trump being a divisive, hateful, ignorant bigot, everyone is a little more antagonistic than they would otherwise be. But I'm sure nobody here really wishes bad things upon the author.
Despite the pushback, I too appreciated Ms. Benzizoune's writing, I've liked her previous columns, and I hope she keeps it up. And I wish her a great life going forward, I'm sure it'll be a lot better for her, all Muslims, all women, and all sane people, once Trump is out of office.
2
Her culture has no problem judging others harshly. We are merely doing the same. She's free to judge us. We are free to feel the same way about a culture where women are forced into shrouds to leave the house.
I think some of what you are describing - was occurring in the U.S. among Christian populations Not that along ago - the idea of the "nice" girl who is one who is a virgin at marriage (and marriage only between women and men), to follow your faith is to be a virgin at marriage (note - this is for females only) - girls don't make the "first move" (all tied to ideas of being demure/virginal). We can all see that this was tied to various religions need to control sexuality (which is still going strong in lots of religions here and throughout the world). A lot had to change for these things to change - and one was - after WWII and especially Vietnam - the erosion of authority figures in areas of morality. My advice to you - stop listening to people who narrow your choices -you decide what it is to be a good person, I am sure there are enough you to be able to make the changes required - so you don't have to walk that tightrope.
15
As the great-grandson (and on back!), grandson, son, stepson, nephew, brother, brother in law, husband, father, colleague, and friend of accomplished women, I have zero patience with religions and men who wish to control women in any way, dress or otherwise, or women who aid and abet them through compliance. I'm a radical on this point. I don't care what religion it is, judaism, christianity, mormonism, islam (caps left off on purpose) or any other. I have compassion for you in your current plight, but no sympathy for the choice you are making. Personal decisions about personal modesty are another matter entirely, and are easily accommodated in personal ways. This decision isn't truly personal, but reflects a much larger expression of repression. I ask you to stop for the sake of women everywhere.
32
Despite the log-in name, I'm female. I'm going to risk speaking for more women than myself just now and suggest that the best way for men to stop controlling what women wear is for men to stop trying to control what women wear. Of course, few of the decisions anyone makes about what they wear are truly personal; social standards dictate a great deal, and work standards are typically even more restrictive. Nevertheless, when a man tells a woman what she should wear, he's the one acting on the idea that it's okay for a man to tell a woman what she ought to be wearing. Please don't do that.
17
Expression of modesty is always a social act. There is no such thing as personal modesty. Before feminism, all unmarried women were presumed to be virgins. No need for hijab. Unless you were a nun and committed to lifelong virginity. Once engaged, you got the engagement ring— another symbol of virginity, and of saving oneself for your future husband. After marriage, you wore the wedding band, a symbol of fidelity to one male. When presumed to be honest and virtuous, all the world “knew” you’ve had sexual relations only with that male and that you would not have relations with any other male. So, should we ditch engagement rings and wedding bands? Sweet sixteen parties? There are rites of passage for all females in all cultures, all religions, and symbols that are displayed for them Don’t hold hijab wearers to a different standard. Virginity and fidelity symbols are now meaningless.
1
Ever considered abandoning religious dogma? That certainly simplifies life. The real God, the Cosmos, doesn't care what you wear or who you love. It only cares if you violate its laws, like dumping too much CO2 in the atmosphere or failing to use sun block at the beach.
39
Fewer than 200 years ago, mainstream science denied that the existence of the very atoms that makes up the CO2 to which you refer.
Which is worse, denying the existence of God or justifying yourself with the dictates of a fallible God?
I have met so many atheists bigots and homophobes online, I've lost count. You say that 'The Cosmos' (whatever that means) doesn't care what you wear or who you love.
Yeah, but you do. You want everybody to be like you, and you resent her for being different.
Religion isn't the cause of prejudice. Prejudice is something that existed before religion, and religions have too frequently been used to justify it. But don't kid yourself. Getting rid of God doesn't get rid of hate. That comes with the package--part of the operating system you might say. It's up to you how you deal with your darker impulses. Denying them--or projecting them onto others--isn't a very promising start.
2
Why is everyone ganging up on this courageous woman who is talking about a very personal issue?
"It’s not a Muslim girl thing; it’s a Romaissaa thing." Ms. Benzizoune is an individual, not a caricature of a brain-washed Muslim girl. She has chosen to be a Muslim and she is here discussing one of the consequences of that choice in modern America.
My advice to her: there are many men, from all cultures, races, whatever, who will understand your situation if you give them the time to see "the real you". Many young people in this country are extremely open-minded.
13
I suppose because the description of her situation as tragic is laughable egotism. She is definitely American, self involved to the core. Everybody's got problems, from body weight to pimples, to bad teeth. Wearing clothes that make you look different than others (religious or otherwise) is a choice and its bound to knock up against society's (particularly young society's) strong pressure to conform. Do you think women that dress Goth don't get ridicule?
13
I think that women who choose to wear Goth expect to be treated like individuals who've made a fashion choice based on their lifestyle. If they're ridiculed, it's not something to condone. Nor does it mean they're self-involved.
This rambling, incoherent stream of angst just convinced me of the self-absorption of youth....Muslim or not.
42
So you’ve either never been young or are so far past it you left your heart behind
1
People assume you are religious because you were a head covering that implies that you are religious. It’s a very simple concept
60
Frank, I get what you are saying, but that's the exact point: It used to be that a head covering was simply a sign of respect and modesty, for everyone. Any photo from the 1940's will show every man in a crowd wearing a hat, and usually the women too. You took them off at home. My mom insisted we girls put our scarves on (little hankie things that tied under the chin) before going to JCPenney. So this head scarf/Muslim thing is just an extension of that; another culture's version. The author is no more religious than I was, and the implication that her scarf is "Islam" is your perception problem, not hers.
1
I wore a Virgin Mary medallion around my neck for years because it was beautiful and my aunt gave it to me with love. I don’t believe in the virgin birth but I would wear the medal again. I wear it because it has meaning to me. I don’t owe anyone any explanation why I wear it.
2
Shukran Ms. Benzizoune! For your stimulating, clearly written article. Please consider that seeking a middle ground, hoejabi,while expanding the binary banality of either/or, “hoes” or “hijabis, still limits achieving and sustaining types, levels and qualities of daily wellbeing. “Reality,” however delineated, ranges in multidimensional continua. Perhaps usefully described in terms of “and in addition, and in addition…” When we do not distinguish between the dynamics and dimensions of identity, self-created, as well as stuck-on by the labels of others, (WHO I am, can yet BE, will never BE) from our daily ranges of hidden and visible behaviors, (WHAT I do…don’t do) which are bounded by one’s psyche-soma-ETC., role(s), context, opportunities, ETC., we are trapping our own development. Our wellbeing. In all areas. Including sexual.The issue of covering-uncovering and covering up, in a toxic, infectious WE-THEY daily culture which enables the targeting of selected “the other,” globally, goes way beyond hijab-hymen. And porno; however that is delineated, used and misused. By ranges of influential individual and systemic stakeholders. As you consider “the crossroads of being “hoes” and “hijabis,”consider moving from linear paths to non-linear ones. From human-enabled barriers to walkable-bridges. With others.Whom you choose to know as well as with strangers. Fostering mutual respect. Trust. Caringness. Help, when and if needed.In a culture of menschlichkeit.Not shaming. Shukran
2
In a secular country, you go about publicly advertising your religion. The first thing anyone knows about you must be your religion: everything else about you becomes an afterthought. You certainly have the right to do this, but it is likely to be perceived as obtrusive. Do you really want everyone to think of your religion every time they see you? Let people get to know you without a permanent religious advertisement on your head. What would you think of a Jew who was never seen without wearing a yarmulke? You would think he wanted to be "other", apart from the rest of us, would you not?
45
I think Romaissaa would enjoy the movie "Bend It like Beckham". She could see that she is not alone moving between two
worlds. She doesn't say whether she was born here. The girl in the movie seems to have moved to England from a Muslim country and her parents are strictly old school.
By the way, it might comfort her to know that while the hair covering isn't usual here, everyone goes through pretty much what she goes through trying to figure out just what one is and what one will become as an adult.
6
Agree, but small correction: the family from "Bend It Like Beckham" was Sikh family from India.
The girl in the movie Bend it Like Beckham was the daughter of Sikh’s. It would be great if Americans could be a bit more worldly in their knowledge of the other people who inhabit the world and their religions.
3
The girl in the movie and her family are not Muslim, they are Sikh and from India (a very religiously diverse country as well, though like most places, not harmoniously integrated all the time - note how offended the character gets when she is assumed to be “paki” (Pakistani).
Any good, faithful, capitalistic society will loosen requirements on head gear as soon as they need the economic growth of a a 50 foot aisle with haircare products.
Quick question: in 1960 how many shampoos do you remember besides Breck and VO5?
Shortly after any man or woman cut their hair for stylish reasons and not for the purpose of deleting their histories, we became farmers and worked in fields. Washing hair is another chore. Wearing protection is smarter. Youth tempts reason and urges.
As a writer,
You uncover the truth to cover the truth.
1
I see where you are trying to go with this maybe. But as some have said the Hijab is by no means seen as a symbol of female power but more a symbol of male dominance and dictate. And a 'hoe' is hardly any better as it evokes a male construct of a woman who acts like a whore. So this is kind of a double jeopardy and to try and be a bit of both is maybe not as good as reaching for being neither?
28
I, a (non observant) Catholic, married a (Reform) Jew 48 years ago. Our marriage has been a success. I converted to Judaism 15 years later, not from family pressures. We have raised our two daughters as Reform Jews. Religious observances have never been much of a part of our lives. This would have been impossible if my wife had worn the typical garments young Orthodox women wear (when I met her, in 1968, I loved her legs, shown to advantage by her miniskirt) or if I had gone to mass every week. It seems to me that this very fine writer is trying to solve the old squaring of the Cercle problem.
7
I am Muslim. Oppression of women is a universal evil. We have to fight it. Has sophisticated forms in modern society. Raw & visible in others. The author has a point about immigrant parents ill equipped to handle 'Mike situation'. Here is how they think. Chances are, he will drink alcohol. Probable he will hurt my daughter when drunk & senses are off. Can't afford to see my daughter get hurt / live a miserable life. So why risk? (BTW the theory of women in Islam are thrown into oppression falls apart). There are other good guys. Let's find one who we know is caring, responsible, has good morals and character. Is that a successful approach? There are bad outcomes & there are good outcomes. Just like 50% 'crushes' result in painful divorce.
A Christian woman's trajectory in an Indonesian village is similar to her Muslim neighbor next door. Like a Hindu woman's trajectory in India & her Muslim neighbor next door.
Hijab is not empowerment. It is modesty. Just like Muslim men are not supposed to wear tight clothes & advised to not stare at other women. If you know Muslim men who do, ask them to read The Quran, get their basics right. Women are not 'objects'.
About expressing one self. As a Muslim man/woman, you have a set of boundaries for your own good. If your desires don't fit in those boundaries, you search for the reason behind it. You don't insist on wearing whatever you 'desire' at golf clubs. You don't cross a red light to satisfy your desire to speed.
6
The only solution is to accept the fact that there are many different types of Islam, and that for some Muslim women/men, the hijab means empowerment, for others it's modesty, for others it's a social and not religious ritual belonging to the past and no longer relevant today, for others still it's a practice characterizing polytheistic and animistic societies founded long before any monotheism existed, and that certain young monotheistic societies decided to take over in order to avoid shocking local cultural habits and to blend in more easily, etc.
And the same, of course, goes for "the" meaning of men wearing tight clothes. In colder countries, that's part of very old cultural habits, as it's simply what you need to do in order to keep you warm (as a man and as a woman), whereas warmer countries need wide and open clothing, if not you simply suffocate. You can then decide to attach a religious meaning to this type of clothing, or a sexual meaning ... here too, "thoughts are free", so it's up to any individual to decide.
Cloths will never be just functional, in the eyes of human beings, and meanings will always evolve and be multiple.
As long as we all agree that violence is bad and love, justice and charity are the basic values in life, we should be able to live together in peace, and respect each others' choices without imagining that we alone own the "right" or "true" meaning of this or that type of clothing ... no?
2
When I see Muslim men wearing a hijab, let alone a niqab or a burka, then I will take Muslim men seriously when they write about modesty. Do you not understand what message the sight of nearly naked men followed around by shrouded women in black sends to the world?
Life is short. Enjoy it while you can. All of it, not the narrow sliver allowed by ancient mythologies and their current, self-serving enforcers.
Read "The End of Faith" by Sam Harris for perspective on the source of your needless pain.
You have a clear choice: one foot on the boat, one on the dock, will not work.....
16
The same come be said of Conservative and Orthodox Jewish women living in NY.
10
My suggestion: Stop whinging. Many, many people have to live in a world where others are hostile and have judgments about us that we cannot control. All any of us can do is be our best selves and behave with integrity even when there is outside pressure not to.
13
Better question- who would want to be one.....
9
"To be honest, the Venn diagram of the men who are attracted to me and the men I am attracted to resembles two circles separated by the Atlantic Ocean."
Are you sure? Mike might be crazy for you.
7
So you’re at the intersection of assimilation. Your parents will never assimilate. Your kids will not be recognizable as immigrants - or Muslims. Sorry that you are the one straddling this divide, but it is not new. It is the American story.
29
“How does one convert beer-guzzling, Patriots-watching, frat-partying, flag-waving Mike to Islam?”
A difficult question. but I’ll try to give it the consideration it deserves.
First, I’m surprised you are considering the attempt, given that you self-identify as “secular”.
But were you to make the attempt, presumably both the effort and the result would be some sort of funhouse-mirror reverse image of Mike’s attempts to convert you to one of the beer-worshiping sects of Christianity:
https://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2013/11/03/242301642/to-stave-off-d...
Though probably less entertaining.
But seriously: as a fan of “romantic comedy”, have you considered the possibility that you would each successfully convert the other?
“Modern Love” material for sure!
And the movie rights…
6
This isn't just a Muslim problem. Sexual mores with or without a coating of religion are used to bully women into submission outside of the Muslim world as well. The need to define women neatly as "good girls" or "bad girls" popped up again with the #metoo movement. People who thought themselves sympathetic to women's equality tried to define women as delicate, flawless paragons who needed to be "cherished" and "protected". I even saw claims that women "don't talk about sex" (someone who doesn't know my 80 year-old mother's golf friends!), don't pursue sex, and don't sometimes use sex. Those other creatures who do desire sex are not seen as "worthy" of protection from sexual abuse and sexism while women who try to compete with men on an intellectual basis are equally scorned.
3
"Orientalism. In the Western imagination, Muslim women are either sexless victims or belly dancers shaking it somewhere in Beirut."
I'm afraid that in the meanwhile, there's a third option.
I will never forget how a friend of mine living in a remote, small town in Europe, one day went to the local swimming pool, and saw a refugee family coming from Africa. It was a mother with five young kids. My friend had never personally met black people, so this was totally new for her. She told me that she sat down and starting watching these kids playing with the water. They were SO beautiful! she told me. The mother, however, only look back at her angrily. I tried to explain that being the only black ones in town must be quite difficult, as people probably constantly stare at them, rather than allowing them some privacy. My friend hadn't thought about that.
What actually happened is that she unknowingly activated a third stereotype about Muslim (and even African) women: that of the stubborn, ignorant woman, who actively decided to fully accept cruel male domination, and reacts angrily towards any "Western" woman hating her for doing so, or because she imagines that Western women hate her.
You see that third type (not part of the traditional Orientalism) of Muslim women appear in certain comments below, when people argue that Romaissaa's problem could be solved by simply taking off her turban and deciding to "liberate herself", and when she doesn't, she shouldn't "complain" ...
6
Thanks to Ms. Benzizoune for this. I see a lot of young Muslim women at the campus I work at (it's a Catholic college). I know they're Muslims because of the way they dress--there'd be no other way to know. Because when you listen to them, they just sound like smart funny hard-working American girls. Which is what they are. No contradiction there. But obviously I miss a lot, and articles like this help fill in some of the gaps.
I took my dog to our local green market once, and a little boy, maybe four, came running up, very excited, wanting to pet him. Then his mother darted in--young, pretty, Islamic garb--and asked me if it was okay.
She encouraged him to say hello to my dog (who was large, a little shy with kids, but calm, friendly), but to be considerate. A mother trying to teach her son how to behave, not to be afraid, but to respect the feelings of other creatures. That's all it was.
And I had so many questions I wanted to ask her--and I couldn't. No time. Not sure where the lines are. We need to understand each other better. We need to reach out, and at the same time, we need to be respectful, considerate. Without treading on eggshells. Without falling back on preconceptions. Which are almost invariably wrong.
12
I think women, or men for that matter, who want to be open to romantic love with persons of different religions than their own, or no religion, must be prepared to put their own religion in second place. This is true for Christians, Jews, Muslims, Hindus. Otherwise, religion is a barrier. I am old and long since married now, but could never have been married to anyone with strong, and exclusive, religious views.
I wish you well in resolving your dilemma.
7
Thank you for sharing your perspective. As a secular woman married to a Muslim and raising Muslim daughters, you have provided or me, an insight to a point of view I would never have thought of. I am grateful.
1
Dear Romaissaa Benzizoune, I am writing this directly to you hoping you read the comments, for better or worse.
As a faculty member for about 40 y at the University of Rochester I do not recall ever seeing a woman wearing a hijab and do not believe I ever met any Muslims there. Living first in suburb Brighton and then Rochester itself seeing traditionally dressed Orthodox Jews was an every day event. Nobody ever complained about that.
We moved to Linköping SE when I retired 22 y ago, and here you will never see an Orthodox Jew but the hijab in all its forms is commonplace.
I became a volunteer at the Red Cross meeting mostly high school students 4 days a week to help them with homework and later on to just talk Swedish in practice-Swedish groups. One of the best things that ever happened to me.
I have the signatures of at least 1000 students, mostly born Muslims, all of whom came as asylum seekers. If they were Somalis they had been wearing hijab since early childhood, if they were Kurds or Iranians, the hijab had disappeared pretty quickly after arrival. Lots of neat people, hijab or no hijab.
Made no difference to anyone there. My daughter wrote fine papers in high school and college about the hijab - we have a vast collection of books she acquired - and in those books you can see all the views expressed by today's 44 comment writers.
I think everybody should just relax, but they wont.
Only-NeverInSweden.blogspot.com
Citizen US SE
4
It's very entertaining to watch as most of the people responding to your writing provide confirmation of your main point! Very clever.
You write beautifully and you have offered delicious food for thought. Thank you!
6
Faith is internal, and has nothing to do with the clothes we wear. Religious directives about clothing, diet and other aspects entirely non-spiritual were devised by the profiteers of religions to create tribal identity and exert control.
If you think Mohammed cared about your fashion statements he doesn't seem like much of a hero to me.
Let's reject religious directives that have nothing to do with creating harmony between human beings, and actually have the opposite effect, dividing us into competing tribes.
3
Uh ... on the one hand you propose to not link spiritual connotations to clothes, but on the other hand you ask people to adopt your own personal clothing style ... ?
A bit contradictory, no?
Harmony, by definition, means inventing ways to live together that accept, celebrate and cultivate our differences (chosen or cultural), rather than to naively hope that one day the entire planet will adopt your own individual choices, no ... ?
3
Wow, the patronizing lecturers are out in force today on this young woman’s case.
Women have the choice to wear what they want. They then also have the separate right to be taken for who they are without assumptions about her virginity or solicitations to be grateful etc. She can dress in a hijab and be promiscuous or dress like a sex worker and not.
Now, if she wants a job or a date, given that 99% of the world has these biases she will likely need to lose the hijab, but don’t we all want a world where she doesn’t?
5
Dear Gizmos,
Thankfully in most urban areas, a hijab wouldn't prevent a woman from getting a job. A burkha probably still would; I don't think most American companies would like an employee to be fully covered except for the eyes.
But sure, getting a date, probably best to take off the hijab. And that's the author's choice, she can maintain the garb that sets her apart from most of society, or she can remove it and take down that barrier. Either option is fine, it is totally her choice.
Also a lot of us offering advice are probably of the opinion that the repressive customs of Islam are misogynistic, archaic, and pointless. Rationally, that's how it appears, so most of us would likely advocate to women particularly that removing themselves from Islam's oppression is the best route to being free.
2
No. If Mike were my son, and this woman’s first thought was He’s cute, and her her second thought was I wonder if I can convert him for marriage, I’d tell him to run away fast.
3
No. Some biases are justified. The hijab was some man's idea, to keep women in their place. If she wants to subscribe to that nonsense while living in America she will be at a disadvantage.
4
My fellow muslim sister,
First and foremost I love your article and how you explain your modern day dilemmas as a hijabi. But I do also want to say that in this case this may be your story and experiences but I myself also was born and raised in America but never really faced the same issues that you encountered. It seems that the hijab was forced upon you (which I totally get because muslim parents right) but that's not always the case with every muslim household. I've seen that the more the hijab and dressing modestly was forced upon us at a younger age causes issues when we get older and most girls tend to rebel and wear what makes them feel more comfortable, but then again that depends on your household. That isn't the case for everyone. When we mix culture and religion that's when things tend to go downhill because cultures tend to either dilute or maximize the importances of things. Don't listen to the people who say take off your hijab because whether or not you take it off or choose to keep it on the stigma of the religion will always follow you. But just remember, you always have a choice.
6
Your social life may be more complicated than you like, but your writing certainly rocks. Hope to see more of your work in the future.
7
What is implied in this article but not directly stated is:
1. Islam treats apostates very harshly. Socially, culturally, theologically it is very difficult to opt out of Islam.
2. Islam expects and demands that men control women and their sexuality while it is understood men cannot control theirs.
3. Islam is inherently hostile to other faiths and non-believers.
The young women is in a tough spot. My heart goes out to her!
9
Any religion that does not see men and women as equals is not worth having.
That's most fo them, unfortunately.
13
Thanks - I live in a neighborhood with a fairly high Muslim population, so always appreciate an invitation to think differently about my neighbors - and, maybe, however slightly, understand something of the experience of some of them.
10
This is another example of how Muslim traditions collide with today’s world. I especially think that Muslims who live in the West are so awkward with their identity. Im a Muslim and I live in a Muslim country and I disagree that the tradition of wearing hijab is a 247 thing. I look up to Japanese women who can effortlessly shift from wearing a kimono in one occasion to a modern outfit next, without any issues. Proud of Emirati women and increasingly Saudi women too today who can also easily glide between a life of tradition and a modern one.
18
All Western Constitutions guarantee the freedom of religion, contrary to some dictatorships where a majority of the population identifies itself as Muslim.
So could you please explain how exactly "Muslim traditions collide with today's world. I especially think that Muslims who live in the West are so awkward with their identity" ... ?
Thanking you in advance (no irony).
(By the way, and with all respect, but Saudi women are living in the worst dictatorship of the entire Middle East, and just now conquered the right to ... simply drive a car. How could you be proud of the situation of those women all while believing that Muslims women in the West (where they can choose themselves how to practice their religion, all while being treated MUCH more equally by the law) somehow would be "awkward" ... ?)
4
Political Islam collides with secular government.
In my humble opinion, hijab is a political statement not a religious belief because it falls under gender politics.
It will take a few decades of religious wars and reform before we can become fully secular.
1
@ Alia (second comment)
Thanks for your reply.
If by "political Islam" you mean a conception of Islam where a certain interpretation of the Quran should be imposed by law on all citizens of a country, then indeed, that's not compatible with a secular government. Just like wanting to ban abortion by law because you adhere to a version of Christianity that rejects abortion isn't compatible with a secular government - and yet in the US that's exactly what the GOP is trying to do.
So I don't know whether becoming "fully secular" will ever be possible in any society, rather than being an ideal that each generation has to learn to fight for in a new way.
That being said, I don't think that you can reduce all the meanings that men and women all over the world today project onto a hijab into one singular political statement. Especially for Muslim women in the West, sometimes it's political, sometimes it's religious, and sometimes it's just a way like any other for teenagers to rebel against adults and the "politically correct" notions shared by the specific adults they have to deal with.
Conclusion: "secularism" includes not artificially restricting the meaning of a piece of clothing to ONE interpretation alone ... ?
Perhaps because the hijab is the visible signal of Muslim identity for a woman, it represents Islam to the those of us not wearing it. Even if we are not judgemental - just observing fact - there are assumptions that go with garb. What springs to mind when you see a woman dressed in a black habit with veil? Certainly not the reality that the woman may be an acerbic wit or a fan of baseball, or someone who reads romance novels. And you definitely don't think "mother and wife." There are assumptions that go along with a habit.
When you choose to wear a uniform, you express a group identity.
As more of us meet Muslim women and come to know the person inside the uniform identity, things may become easier. But complaining that an action which identifies you with a group makes it hard to distinguish yourself from that group, strikes me as a bit odd.
77
This is a great comment. It is akin to a uniform, and you are expressing group identity. I wore the uniform of the US Armed forces for almost 25 years, and people assumed many things about me because of the uniform.
14
Uh ... how will you ever "meet Muslim women and come to know the person inside the uniform identity", if you FIRST ask them to take away all visual signs referring to the fact that they belong to this kind of group ... ?
We should NEVER ask victims of our stereotyping to start resembling us a little bit more BEFORE we become prepared to give up our stereotyping and as a consequence treating them unfairly.
It's by definition up to the "perpetrator" to educate himself/herself, and to learn how to adopt a more just behavior towards his/her fellow human beings.
In the meanwhile, second and third generation immigrants are starting to study at universities and writing books, so THEY are actively coming towards us, and they do so as Muslims, and as people who WANT to be Muslims and seen as Muslims. So that should make it even easier for us to start seeing the truth and to drop the fantasy of a "uniform identity" when we're talking about more than a billion people living all over the world and having all kinds of cultures, no ... ?
1
Wearing a religion-associated piece of clothing makes a statement, whether you like it or not, and people will react to that statement.
1
I'm old enough to remember when Catholic women covered their hair -- certainly in church, the more devout or conforming everywhere in public. I can't remember when/why that disappeared.
9
The Second Vatican Council 1962-1965 ushered in many changes to the Catholic Church.
5
I love this op-ed. I am not Muslim myself, so I can't relate to the exact circumstances here, but I am a woman with a complicated background myself, too. Ms. Benzizoune aptly describes the difficulties she faces in finding her own way in life. I think we can all relate to that. Her writing is so clear and succinct. She invites us intimately into her world, while making sure to subtly, but clearly, remind us that we don't get to judge or presume how it is to actually live it every day. Bravo, Ms. Benzizoune! Wow!
16
The comments to this article illustrate how quick people are to use their own emotional baggage to judge Ms. Benzizoune on her religion and/or her fashion decisions. What I don't see is democratic values or the social boundaries I associate with everyday decency. Her right to her own decision grows out of the freedom of speech and religion clauses to the U.S. First Amendment. I don't think it's any of my business, nor is it yours.
I hope this woman finds happiness. And I hope that Americans remember the civic values upon which our republic was founded. It is precisely the time in which democratic ideals are under threat that you must stand up for them.
25
I’ve noticed that quite a few comments don’t seem to recognize that transitioning between the secular and religious worlds and assimilating your identity and upbringing with the dominant culture is an arduous and personal journey. As one who would identify as a black, same gender loving male, raised in a strict, traditional Christian home in America, I can relate to her experience in many ways. Personal evolution takes time and constant reflection. Thank you for sharing your story.
28
To me her experience is very first generation- caught between two different worlds and not comfortable totally in either one. A very American story.
31
Sometime in the distant patriarchal past a bunch of insecure men got together and decided that the sight of a woman’s hair or in more extreme cases, her face, would cause morally irreprochable men to stray into sin through no fault of their own, is a trope running through most organized religions and is usually coupled with the calumny that sexually mature women or girls are “impure” for one week every month. The hijab reinforces the idea of woman as an inferior and flawed being, whatever the sincere or even quirky reasons some women give for choosing to adhere to it.
Although Ms.Benzizoune is an amusing writer and I respect her religious beliefs, she is extremely lucky to have the luxury of making her own decision about whether to wear hijab or not. Millions of women all over the world do not have that choice.
120
Nor do they have the choice of wearing the burka, an even more restrictive garment.
3
I am not a muslim or woman, so I guess I should not use the word, etc etc. But I enjoyed reading your piece and it gave me insight into a life and circumstances that I would not normally be able to fully imagine and contemplate. So thank you for that.
As for all the usual comments about lose the scarf, assimilate, etc... some of it comes from a rational place, but a lot of it is just frustration. Romaissaa's writing this piece and sharing her experiences itself is a form of assimilating and "losing" the scarf, at least the scarf as a barrier between her and us. In case that is confusing, think of all the hijabi women you come across while living in a city as they walk by, do you have entre into their feelings even the slightest bit? Now you kind of do, you see their and our common humanity through the thoughts shared here by this young lady.
I did find it funny to read this - "I am automatically held to a different standard, assumed to be deeply religious rather than secular — an assumption that works the opposite way for just about everyone else." My dear lady, people who see a crucifix on someone's neck do not assume that person is secular, or a Sikh's turban and bangle and think they are secular, so when they see your hijab how can you expect them to suppose you are secular? Not a fanatic or lunatic, yes, but secular how? If you are saying a hijab is just a hijab and not a statement of religiosity, that's interesting to consider.
83
You can be religious and secular! You can follow your religious beliefs and yet have respect and understanding for other beliefs.
2
At first I thought she wore a hijab because she liked to do so, as a fashion statement, whatever, especially since she says she is secular. Then I read some comments who assume she does so because she is religious/identifies with her religion and I'm not sure I see that but given the confusion, I agree it's not properly clarified. So the issue is, why does she wear a hijab? I do think it's possible for someone to wear a hijab and not really be a strict follower Islam (or even follow it in the slightest) just as I think it's possible for someone to wear crucifixes and not be a Christian (or not follow it religiously). There are many people like this following (or not) many religious in my experience. If this is the point, then I can understand it but definitely could ask other people in multicultural multireligious societies that have circumvented this chasm in culture between generations. Humans are likely to be stereotyping for a long time, if not forever.
7
"I am a this."
"I am a that."
It always saddens me to see people create a little box of identity and then climb into it. Of course, we all do it to some degree, UNCONSCIOUSLY. But to do it consciously, willingly ... that is what makes me sad.
I understand we are something like 97.7% genetically identical to chimpanzees and even 60% genetically identical to bananas. Yet we choose to define ourselves by how we wear our hair, or the relative amount of melatonin in our skin.
All this accomplishes, this constant dividing and subdividing into ever smaller categories, is to weaken our natural, human empathy, the characteristic that most enables us to seek and live in peace with each other.
50
I find that often it’s not the individual who defines him/herself, it’s those who observe that person. You would say that I, a black man, choose to identify that way. What would you, seeing me walk down the street, describe me as to someone else?
3
"How does one convert beer-guzzling, Patriots-watching, frat-partying, flag-waving Mike to Islam?"
You want to convert Mike in order to have a relationship with him? Perhaps this is at the root of the Hoejabi dilemma, Ms. Benzizoune. Do you like it when there are plots to change who you are?
206
How sad to belong to a culture so frozen in time that it seems to have left its young with little space to breathe. Perhaps if you remove your turban and let down your hair you might be able to see the world for what it is.
One does not need to be confused by the reasons someone from your community becomes a porn actress, an obvious outlier, or the fact that your culture demands inflexibility in thoughts and actions. You need to realise that what you crave is freedom of thought capable of being translated into action. Its not about Mike or converting Mike or that there were no Mike problems for your parents. Its about falling in love with Mike and considering it a normal part of your life no holds barred. The strings that hold you to this rigid, controlled environment are pretty simple to break free from. So ask yourself this question why can you not?
113
Different folks have different experiences.
People with backgrounds of strong cultural or religious personal roots do have complicated experiences in life.
Simply extolling the virtues of “letting go” as a precondition of “free thought” negates the nuances the author is trying to explore.
The experience of the author may not be such a dilemma, for example for someone who grew up in a family where there are no baggage’s of generational cultural, religious pride and a desire to carry the legacy.
For people who are not impressed, or proud of their ancestry, it’s not that difficult to leave any vestiges of their heritage and adopt everything around.
2
Ummm, it’s not that simple if you think about it.
1
Lose the hijab then lose the hoejab. You’re not in Maghreb/Morocco or Riyadh. Assimilate. Welcome to America!
126
Assimilate into what? An anxious teen or twenty-something showing herself nearly nude in public to be considered modern and free?
People still use the word assimilate in 2018?
5
To the comment written by JB00123 I ask, what is it to assimilate? Would we say that to the Jewish men who proudly wear their yarmulkes? Would we say that to Christians who wear large, visible crucifixes daily? What does assimilate mean in this context? To change our religion? To eat different foods? To insist that Spanish is not our country’s “second language” and stop the bilingual education (which takes place at NJ Universities)?
In 1977 I was taught (by the very wise Professor Charles Hamilton at Columbia University, in a course called “Race and Ethnicity in America...”) that this notion of assimilation is just that, a belief that we think we have, but does it really happen?
The Irish Catholics, the Italian Catholics, the Greek Orthodox Christians, the Hungarian Jews and all the other groups from Europe who came to America years ago did not “assimilate” as we want to believe they did. Our “new Americans”, the Koreans for example, have changed the complexion of small towns like Fort Lee, Palisades Park (now referred to by many as “Little Korea”) by having their own food establishments, churches, shops, and living in the same neighborhood.
Immigrants tend to do the opposite of assimilate, they seek to keep their traditions, culture, religion and language in tact, while attempting to live and work here. I think we ought to be very careful when telling someone to “assimilate” without an understanding of what that means, even if we remove the arrogance of such a statement.
2
Time to ditch the headscarf.
106
No, no. It’s a good warning to Mike what the poor guy would be in for.
6
Keep writing, Romaissaa - Your Muslim sister
15
Empowerment. Check out Nadia Ali online.
You are a fantastic writer with something worthwhile to say. Perhaps you should write the modern day “When Harry met Sally” based on the conflicts brought about by a multicultural America.
16
Look, Islam is a religion. You are wearing a headscarf because you identify with and are obedient to the demands of the religion. Why then is it ridiculous for people to "assume" you to be "deeply religious rather than secular?" If I had a college roommate who put a statue of the Virgin Mary on her dresser, hung a crucifix on the wall, and went to mass daily, I would "assume" she was deeply religious or else deeply hypocritical and I would also assume she probably did not engage in pre-marital sex or else at least believed that it was wrong. Since Islam also teaches that pre-marital sex is wrong, and since your wearing of the hijab is indeed to signal your compliance with the teachings of Islam, why wouldn't people assume that you were either a virgin or married? Help me out here.
wrapped head scarf for a turban style has helped, but not entirely. Every once in a while, someone will ask me if I am married. I am automatically held to a different standard, assumed to be deeply religious rather than secular — an assumption that works the opposite way for just about everyone else.
186
I have to agree with JerseyGirl. However, my compliments to the author for stepping out to broach these subjects. Also, glad you like Mike. It seems to me you should enjoy what you like about him--and change yourself to fit if necessary--rather than trying to convert to something else (which is an unhealthy approach to a relationship under any circumstances).
8
Why is it hard to understand that people, including Muslim women, can be complex, multifaceted, sophisticated, and fully human in their hopes, wishes and desires - even if they wear a headscarf.
2
@ JerseyGirl - You forgot to tell us if you are Muslim. At least in the comment before me it appears that there is something missing since all I see is
"wrapped head scarf for a turban style has helped, but not entirely."
Maybe you could clarify.
As for courage, I know 6 of the sisters in one Somali family here, and it must have taken great courage for at least one of the 6 to have gone over first to turban and I believe then to no headwear. I have not seen her in years since most of the sisters are now nurses scattered around Sweden.
Only-NeverInSweden.blogspot.com
Citizen USA SE
Only-NeverInSweden.blogspot.com
Citizen USA SE
Here's an idea, if you are a secular Muslim, secular Jew, secular Christian or secular any religion, how about just stop calling yourself a Muslim, Jew or Christian. The sooner we leave our tribal religious affiliations behind the more harmonious our species will be.
How long will it take for us to face the universe as science and our senses describe it? Our ancestors lacked the essential information, what is our excuse?
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Science
Yes! It seems the entire, inevitable arc of knowledge deriving from science shows us more and more how unified we are as a species. And even beyond that, how intimately we are tied into the world and all its natural processes.
This is such a great thing. A real revelation. And if we allow ourselves to absorb this lesson it vastly increases our empathy and our capacity for love.
16
Science is a construct for the mind. Faith (in it's balanced state) belongs to the heart. Once cannot replace the other. We need both.
7
Mahb - I don't buy into a dichotomy between heart and mind. Nature, the universe, simply exists, in all its aspects.
Humanity bumps into it again and again. "Mother Nature" invariably wins. The order of Nature is inescapable. Science is simply a disciplined ordering of Nature's data so that we may begin to understand what it really is.
This discipline and understanding has revealed to us such realities as the shape of the Earth, its relation to the sun and moon, the existence and impact of pathogens in water and the importance and techniques of water purification (probably the single largest medical advance in human history and responsible for extending the human lifespan by decades), the relationships between living beings and minerals that have enabled us to increase the abundance and reliability of our food supply. Scientific discipline has revealed the vast similarities between individual humans to each other and between humans and other animals.
I could go on but I think you get my point.
1
Interesting read but I don’t understand why a secular person would chose to wear a hijab.
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Simply probably because the definition of “secular” used by this author may be different than the current western version of it.
In the oriental world, (English aware Muslim world) “secular” is used as one who does not impose their own religion on others.
When someone is said to be secular, it mostly means that the person is respecting, accepting, fraternizing of ones own and every other belief system without feeling the need to ostracize, castigate, boycott others with different belief systems. To put it simply, an oriental secular person is the one who respects other belief systems, inspite of
overtly making a particular choice of faith for themselves and expressing it openly in public.
In current western world, the definition of a secular person is one who is not a person of religion. A secular person is also presumed to hold a negative opinion of people with religious beliefs.
Secularism here is absence of religious beliefs or their expression. Secularism and atheism here is interchangeable.
Secularism there means co existence of all beliefs, not absence of belief in a religion. Secularism as used there is an opposite of “fundamentalism”.
4
To be secular means that ones religious practice is a private and personal affair and does not infiltrate into other aspects of life. The hijab is a personal choice. Look at Malala Yousafzai. She is a modern, secular Muslim woman who wears a head scarf and fights for girl's education.
An you see how a religious person might wear shorts and a t-shirt?
2
Yawn! Such an old tired debate... i wish sometimes these “religiously confident” muslim women would stop shoving their hijabs into every conversation/debate about muslims and paticulaly women. Plenty of muslim women dont wear the hijab and also recognize that the scipture is ambiguous on it...muslim women and hijabs are not synonymous ( just sayin’ as another muslim woman) and weve got plenty of other real problems.
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Thanks for the wonderful essay. You’ll find even more of your space, and I hope you make a romcom—move over “When Harry met Sally,” for its new iteration: “When Nadia met Ali.”
6
"How does one convert beer-guzzling, Patriots-watching, frat-partying, flag-waving Mike to Islam?" - Is that a precondition to a relationship with a possible marriage down the road? What happens if "Mike" doesn't agree with that conversion? No dice? I'm confused. Aren't Muslims allowed to marry non-Muslims?
72
But why do you wear it? It seems to complicate your life at every moment of your life?
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"How does one convert beer-guzzling, Patriots-watching, frat-partying, flag-waving Mike to Islam?"
Why should he convert to Islam? A beer-guzzling WASP can't marry a Muslim woman? That would explain why your two circles are not separated by a bridge but by the Atlantic ocean.
And when hijabi women are considered as either virgins or a wives in U.S., there are many places where a non hijabi woman is nothing more than a sextoy for males. Your "hijabi" life in NYC is heaven compared to a" miniskirti" life in Ryadh or Cairo.
66
Quite an interesting read. I would comment that I don't think this is a unique situation to hijab wearing women. There are other religious groups who set themselves apart to varying degrees based on their dress (Hasidic Jews, traditional Jehovahs Witnesses, Amish etc.) and I would guess that young women in those groups experience similar feelings. You at some point ask "how does one convert Mike to Islam?" Why not just love who you love without preconditions?
23
the difference is that in amish and hasidic culture BOTH men ans women set themselves aside. My teeth are grinding whenever I see a woman in hijab walking with a man in jeans and tee shirt...
2
Dear Ms. Benzizoune, thanks for this article, but I'm afraid I can only see this one way from the outside. Islam is a religion that has never had a reformation, and that considers women to be property and less worthy than men. Saudi Arabia is a good example of the extreme variety of Islam, where women are not allowed out in public unless escorted by men.
So if you want to have a life of freedom of choice, of full empowerment, then ditch the hijab. You don't really have to wear it to be a Muslim women in America, the vast majority of Muslim women I know here do not. Don't make religion the major focus of your life, and people won't see you as being Muslim first and foremost.
Be thankful too that you're not in Saudi Arabia, where your only choice to attain personal freedom would be emigration. And you can have the other option too if you want, keep the repressive traditions of Islam, have an arranged marriage (more expensive in the U.S., but probably still possible), become a submissive housewife. From what you write here though, seems like you prefer freedom, so all you have to do is act free.
Also, I recall your article from 11/16 fondly, and I like your writing style. I wish you the best, and I think you have a bright future, if you're willing to drop the chains of the past.
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Dan, thank you. I could not have said it better.
10
Is there a word for non-Muslims telling Muslims how to live their lives, something along the lines of mansplaining? (Suggestions welcome).
The author is not asking for prescriptive advice. She’s asking for understanding of and consideration for the confusing complexities of being Muslim in America. Can we just listen without rushing to tell her what to do? From where I’m sitting today, it’s not like most Americans have a clue about Islamic life here.
23
I think that the author is a young first generation American immigrant who is finding her way just like many of our ancestors did in the US. Check back in 30 years or check her children as young adults. My husbands grandparents were from Russia, his Mom understood but did not speak Russian and if you asked my husband anything about Russia he would look at you in a very puzzled manner. It takes 2 generations to complete the process- look at Trump.
2
As a Hindu woman who wears sindoor (the red stuff on our forehead) and other married Hindu-woman accessories, I have received a lite version of this treatment. "Enlightened" Hindu women who don't wear sindoor think I am very religious/traditional/possibly-oppressed, non-Hindus (usually white) ask what it means, and whether I am religious. And then if and when I tell them that my husband is white, and not Hindu, and that I am a beef-eating atheist, people have no idea which pigeonhole to put me in. Thankfully, I have never faced a toxic or violent situation for wearing my cultural symbols, so find it more entertaining than aggravating most of the time.
16
You refer to yourself as a "Hindu woman" and "a beef-eating atheist". You also refer to the sindoor as a cultural (rather than religious) symbol.
I am curious to understand your definition of the word "Hindu". Does it describe a religion, a culture, a geographical/ethnic background, something else?
1
Guess I am uninformed. Never thought if the Indian attire as being religious. My reaction has allays been great dress. I wish I could wear one
2
Fellow white people - our collective level of cluelessness is insulting and self-limiting. worse, it is getting increasingly dangerous for other people.
I stopped being Catholic years ago but catholic symbolism is a touchstone (a warm, wonderful one) that connects me to my family, childhood, culture of origin and yeah even the divine.
If I wore a crucifix I wouldn’t expect someone to bark “Ditch the Jesus necklace! Why do you have a Christmas tree if you’re not religious?”
Belief, faith, culture, family, history - personal and shared - are nuanced and complicated.
Furthermore people can wear what they want without justifying it to your satisfaction. Free country and all that stuff.
2
But, but, she doesn't talk about her sexuality.
The topic is glossed over : all we've learnt is that she experiences sexual attraction and it tends not to be reciprocal...
Regarding her veil, why feel insulted when people assume she's a virgin or married ? Isn't one supposed to stay a virgin and marry young as a muslim ?
Wearing a veil marks you out as a practicing muslim in a non-muslim society. Furthermore, the veil is supposed to shield's one's body from unholy looks, and preserve chastity. Thus, her classmates are making the right assumptions about her love life.
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What I found interesting is that the writer does not think of the hijab---which, by the way, isn't a veil, and doesn't really conceal---as a mark of a practicing Muslim. She calls herself "secular."
Until now, I had though of the hijab as similar to those long skirt outfits that I see on conservative Christian women--a mark of religious traditionalism. From what she says, I'm sensing that she sees it as more of a mark of cultural identity, not very different from an Indian friend of mine who always wore Indian shirts. Given that we're mostly told that it's religious, the confusion is understandable. However, I'm not going to assume anymore.
1
Best of luck to you. My problems were with the Catholic Church, zilch in comparison to what you experience. It was all total nonsense with the Catholics. The celibate men in charge knew exactly what we young women should be doing. Right.
Left that institution when I left home to start college. Dad was a bit broke up, said he'd pay my tuition if I'd only attend on Sunday. I could see the marionette strings pulling 15 miles away. Thanks but no thanks, Dad!
I've never looked back and haven't regretted an instant.
This was in 1979 when a part time job could actually cover college costs. Alas.
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as a fellow Muslim woman who was raised in America, I feel you girl! really enjoyed the piece.
9
The headscarf is merely one item of the Hijab; an outward, conspicuous manifestation of Islam. Mrs. Benzizoune seems genuinely frustrated. But it's not American society that needs to understand anything. She's free to wear what she wants. After that, the rest is on her.
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Also, hoejabi is hilarious, an instant classic. Seriously.
11
I think it’s awful, not allowed to me to say and I’m struggling to forget it out of simple courtesy.
2
Great article! Thanks for sharing your perspective.
5
That this author believes that wearing a hijab is empowering in the United States is comical and infuriating at the same time. Brave women from my homeland of Iran are confronting the tyranny of the inhumane forced hijab with floggings and prison sentences. This author thinks she is being brave because she wants to talk about her sexuality. She can drape herself in the cloak of being at a progressive university but she is in no way brave compared to the women of Iran. Hijab is a tool of oppression and great men like Ataturk and Shah Reza Pahlavi forcibly had them removed off women's heads to advance society. Those are my heroes.
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I don't think that she asked to be compared, or compared herself, with Iranian women, so why do you? Also, wearing a hijab by choice is a lot different than being forced to wear one. There will almost always be something worse going on somewhere than what may be happening to a junior at NYU, but that doesn't mean her issues are not valid.
13
So when fanatical male zealots force women to wear an article of clothing, that is tyranny, but when brutal, autocratic men force women not to wear an article of clothing, that is a victory for liberalism and progress?
I know the hijab is used as a tool of oppression in Iran and I defer to and completely agree with you that it is tyrannical and inhumane. The White Wednesday protests and the fight against the mandatory hijab are incredible, and I really hope they succeed in breaking the power of the mullahs in Iran.
But America isn't Tehran: the First Amendment guarantees every individual the right to wear whatever article of clothing they want. It behooves us, in a free society in the 21st century, to welcome everyone without the assumption or prerequisite that they abandon the comforts and familiarities of their own individuality as a price of entry.
2
@ Iconoclast Texan - I know many Iranians and Iranian Kurds here in Linköping and I support your statement. Not a one wears a hijab in Linköping and they make clear what most of us already know, back in Iran the hijab is a mark of oppression.
As an American I must add that it was the USA that did the most to create the revolution by overthrowing the duly elected Mohamed Mossadegh in 1953. I also add that I know the split among my Iranian friends as concerns the Shah who was a hero to some and the opposite to others.
But now all one can do is worry, how long before Trump, Netanyahu, and the Saudis start a war on Iran. Given that, discussion of hijabs seems fairly trivial.
Only-NeverInSweden.blogspot.com
Citizen USA SE
This is quite the pickle indeed. Trying to engage in a community while refusing to assimilate to it's cultural norms will obviously manifest itself in a myriad of problems. Instead of trying to figure out how an observing muslim can interact within western culture, or trying to educate the natives of America exactly how they should interact with you(despite you not quite knowing yourself), mayube it would be best if we just went our separate ways. We could save ourselves a lot of awkwardness and headaches as soon as we are willing to admit that muslim and American countries are wholly incompatible without one of us betraying our values, and I would never ask you to do that.
20
Your response is disgusting. Oh, it is difficult to navigate relationships as a first or second generation immigrant so why don't you just give up and go back where you came from? It used to be that people in this country thought the Irish were awful people who couldn't become part of this society, the Italians, the Chinese, on and on. Who to you is a true American who deserves to be here? And who are you to judge, by the way? "Natives of America?" Western settlers killed most of them! I'm sure we all could have saved them some "awkwardness and headaches," if by that you mean extermination, had Europeans not settled this country. Wow.
Dear child
You are blessed to be asking this question and demanding to be treated as a human being first and later, much later if at all as associated with your religion. Courageous people, those who challenge the historic norm pay a price - only if they seek to please others. Be true to your heart and principles and you will never regret your decisions. Do not live to support beliefs of others, even if you respect them. Be brave and strong and do your thing. That's what America is all about
Ram
7
I am so grateful to the author for writing this article, and the Times for publishing it. I’ve been a Tines reader for 20 years. I’ve never commented on any article, despite appreciating many - virtually in the thousands. I want the Times to know that we, as readers, are grateful for voices from micro-cultures and look forward to more edit from the Islamic community.
12
A public display of religious convictions is likely to be believed. A head scarf worn as such a declaration will be noticed, especially when only one woman is wearing it.
An ostentatious big Christian symbol would get the same. A discrete little cross like many others wear would likely get a simpler question.
Our author makes herself stand out, which is her right. Then she seems surprised that others react to her as if she stands out. They ask questions about what it means.
She can't have it both ways. It is her choice.
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Isn't there a difference between asking questions about it and making assumptions though? Even if it comes from a good intention, the people who ask her if she is married are not politely inquiring about her headscarf, they are assuming that Muslim women do not have agency over their life choices.
6
You have stated exactly what I was thinking. Basically she is wearing her religion on her sleeve, broadcasting it. This seems so obvious, yet the author seems unaware of it because presumably in the culture of her heritage it is not experienced that way.
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Lara -- When we ask questions, real and serious questions, it is because we don't know.
Yet humans don't wander about in a void of ignorance. We fill the spaces of what we don't know with guesses and assumptions from our own incomplete and different background, at least until the questions are answered.
That is true of those of us with good intentions too, until those good intentions give rise to the questions and willingness to accept answers.
So you make a valid distinction, but I don't think it changes my point.
3
As a feminist and a woman who has spent my whole life fighting the Judeo-Christian patriarchy - the hijab is just another symbol of male oppression of female identity, agency and sexuality. In 1970s Iran and Pakistan - hijabs where nowhere to be seen. The commonality of wearing them now is a product of brute force, revolution and oppression. It's interesting to see liberal NY Time readers applaud a feminist-y take on hijab wearing when if this same piece were written by an Evangelical woman - say a Duggar - their reactions would be quite different. And yet the religious patriarchy is exactly the same. I am tired of ancient religions designed by men for men dictating cultural norms - and truly being a feminist and fighting for women's agency does involve rejecting religious oppressive norms that men have dictated.
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Well said!! The author apparently does not see it this way. Hopefully she will read your comment.
11
Wearing the hijab has absolutely nothing to do with oppression. I myself wear the hijab because its my choice and whether I wear one or not is between myself and God. Everyone keeps making the assumption that the hijab is something that if forced upon you (specifically by men) which couldn't be more false. I was never forced to wear one growing up because I was always reminded that it was MY choice. Please don't confuse religion with culture because that's where the doubt and questions arise. Nowhere in the Quran does it say that women are forced to wear it but that's what the people don't understand. They are assuming that the culture is a representation of a religion which isn't true.
1
Far be it from me to question your feminist credentials, I would still suggest that you could think harder about intersectionality in light of recent conversations about 'rich white woman feminism', Trump's election, and the BLM movement.
I would say that the author is, in a free society, exercising her own agency and choosing to wear a hijab. By dismissing that choice as the product of 'brute force, revolution, and oppression', you're really not seeing her as any more of an individual than the clerics who force women to wear headscarves in Iran.
The reality of women wearing hijabs (I imagine, not being one) is a lot more nuanced than your easy dismissal suggests. Whether or not it is the product of historically patriarchical oppression (what isn't?), needs to be thought of in the modern context. The fact is that many white Westerners feel ease with proscribing 'act more white' to people who feel left out, which is harmful in itself.
For example, recent 'feminist' laws like the various European bans on niqabs and scarves in public buildings/employment de facto exclude Muslim women from public life, or force them to make choices they may not be comfortable with.
If mainstream feminism views itself as rescuing minorities from their own personal choices because white women in the 80s determined that bikinis are symbols of women's liberation, but traditional Islamic garb can only be oppression, you will force women like Ms. Benzizoune to be someone other than themselves.
1
This is from a male so it is a different perspective. As I see it you are still allowing your religious views to restrict your right to be an independent woman. Wearing the turban in place of the head scarf is still a restriction mad by men, you hide your hair because the conservative Islamist have decided that what Mohamed said about dressing modestly when he was referring to the women prostitutes in Mecca at which was a crossroads of international trading.
That has been taken to mean you should hide your sexuality, so as to not excite men, and cause them to act badly toward women. So you are charged with making men behave honorable and decent. You might look i0nto the history of the Fatamids who occupied Andalusia. They danced, played popular music, were certainly sexual. The Visigoths raided cities like Cordoba just to steal their women.
Since you believe in Allah, do you think he created women tho hide their faces and not be attractive to men. We do know most men want women as partners, it is part of the animal kingdom, if not Allah would not have made it that way. So hiding your attractiveness, is hiding what the great god in the sky gave you, to be yours.
41
I love reading things that open a whole new area of human experience for my enlightenment. As an Irish-American father, I have been educated by my daughters that there are many things that I do not understand, and I strive to appreciate that. You have done that again here, Ms. Benzizoune. Thanks for your clarity and courage. May you meet the person who is deserving of you, in your own time, and on your own terms. In the meantime, may you enjoy the life you choose!
45
Bravo, Ms. Benzizoune! Thank you for sharing your experience of navigating and carving out space in that "middle ground." What a breath of fresh air in this current climate.
I especially appreciated the directive "don't even think about using this word if you're not a Muslim woman." I learned a lot today from your honest, humorous insights and I wish you the very best!
28
She is not carving out any middle ground.
She has consciously adopted a symbol of Islamic conservatism that was dying out 40 years in the Islamic world but which has been re-energized by the mullahs of Iran and their equally ghastly cohorts in Saudi Arabia.
She is making a very vocal and strident statement of her Islamic purity, she is in effect condemning her non-scarf wearing counterparts as being both less chaste (we call that slut-shaming where I come from) and inferior Muslims.
But she still wants to enjoy the freedoms that western women have fought for centuries to achieve.
That isn't the middle ground, it is rank hypocrisy.
11
Quite informative AND amusing. Thank you and best wishes.
52
courageous and interesting story but I assume readers know that this kind of dance between religion, culture and modernity has been going on for a very long time and you don’t have to be a Muslim woman to be a victim or a survivor.
A woman’s sexuality has almost always been determined by the males who dominate the culture. The males describe, define it and control it. Just like the runaway GOP party is doing both in Congresss and in the state houses, men want it all control, taxes and servility from the women and they are not shy about saying it.
Good luck, my young friend.
18
Men who cannot control their sexual urges seek to control women. Every culture has in its folklore tales of women with long hair. Combing her hair in outdoors is a signal a woman invites a sexual encounter. Orthodox Jewish women cover their hair with wigs; only her husband may see a woman’s hair. Amish women wear bonnets. Muslim women wear hijabs, even though it is NOT prescribed in the Quran.
You can fantasize about Mike, and find a way to signal your interest and availability. He will have to look beyond the hijab that signals you are controlled by unseen men.
2
Your culture is different, not your physiology. So you should be able to talk about the experiences you have or haven't had has a woman. Your culture on the other hand is a closed subject and what I see is that it is all about restraining females while allowing males to run wild and ride rough-shod over the females in their lives. That's a culture that all religious fanatical sides of all religions attempt and employee, well, my opinion anyway. I admit that stern patriarchy is always a brutality where ever it is found, and not only in religions.
I have a friend, or I thought was a friend, who recently immigrated to France from Morocco. We have talked about many things, children, husbands, shopping, politics, and religious belief. Recently, I learned that Muslim women who have their menstrual cycle during Ramadan women are considered no-longer pure and must make up for time missed after all everybody else is finished with it. I do understand this type of observance has the potential to make a person more aware of their character weaknesses and virtues. Something like this is practiced in every religion. What I see, to my understanding, is that there is no other valid culture but the Islamic culture for Muslims, and more so for female Muslims. I once belonged to a similar circumstance.
Yes, I understand what you are writing about. The problem is your religion is your culture and everything beyond it is your no-go. It's a male choice. There's no female choice there though.
27
What is not clear is why the writer chooses to wear a hijab in the first place, a positive, rather than passive, statement of Muslim identity? If she resents being assumed to be religious rather than secular, why wear it in the first place? In Muslim majority countries, a hijab may be dictated by other considerations, but in the US, where the writer has a choice to make a statement or not, wearing a hijab sends confusing signals.
92
Working at the university, surrounded by male colleagues, I can decide to arrive in high heels or not.
If I do, my colleagues will instinctively associate me with someone who's "superficial", unfit for the job of being a scholar (where you need to be serious and search for the very essence of things, not how they appear).
If I don't and start dressing like a man, they will instinctively take my work serious, but I have to hide an important part of who I am in order to be able to do the job I love, and studies show that workplaces where you can be a "full human being" are those where productivity is highest and people truly thrive.
So what do I do?
Follow your advice, avoiding "confusing signals", and hide my femininity and what I love about being a woman (including high heels)? Or deciding to be present in all my dimensions, in order to cultivate and celebrate them, and then through my work teach all those men a lesson and show them that their stereotypes are false and that it's time to throw them away ... ?
Personally, I have to admit that I followed your advice for years. I was too afraid to loose my job if I wouldn't have adapted to these men's stereotypes. But I felt unhappy and even a coward many times.
Today, I've decided to be more courageous, and to contribue to the evolution of society towards a more thriving and fair, open-minded place to live together. So I'm no longer hiding this part of myself anymore.
And I admire any Muslim woman making the same choice.
2
She likely wears her Hijab because her parents want her to and would be very upset if she didn't, or she likes wearing it (after all she's been wearing it since she was in elementary school and it just feels comfortable), or both. Why does a choice of garment have to always be so politicized? Indian women frequently wear a bindi (the dot on the forehead), that for some has religious or spirtitual connotations, while for others, it's purely decorative.
The assumptions are the problem:
- scantily clad = promiscuous
- woman in salvar kameez = conservative
- woman in hijab = ultra religious
- beer slinging foot ball watcher = deplorable
Don't assume. It's a slippery slope. Talk to people. The Hijab may just be a scarf and the beer is just a beverage!
2
I found this piece simultaneously interesting, revealing and confusing. I suspect this is largely due to not being a woman or Muslim myself. But, in addition, it remains unclear to me why the author wears a hijab. Again, this may be my own ignorance but I would enjoy being educated. My assumption has been that the hijab is not simply a decorative or fashion piece, but speaks to the importance of visual/physical separation between women and men. This impression has partly been supported by my experience where Muslim women wearing hijabs have refused to shake my hand when offered. To hear this author's struggle with feeling sexually limited while wearing the hijab begs the question - why do you choose to wear it?
68
Great point Steve. The hijab is meant to be sexually limiting, a woman wearing one should expect to be sexually limited. Similarly, women wearing a nun's habit don't get asked out on many dates.
5
Great piece.
This line struck me. "Talking about them in non-Muslim circles puts us at risk of being on the receiving end of endless, useless pity." I truly get-it, but at the same time...for want of a better expression, being a stranger in a strange land (strange on the land side, US side, more then the other) its sort of your responsibility to help us idiots figure things out. We're mostly ignorant out of lack of exposure, and then due to the very real isolation that immigrants, or those born of immigrants, either choose to live in, or are forced by the surrounding idiot communities.
Curiosity on my part about the Muslims, or Sikhs, or transgender, or whomever is not me being insulting. Its genuine curiosity. I don't know how else to learn about others if I don't occasionally ask some really dumb questions.
Ive also discovered that dumb questions can break the ice, allowing us both to laugh at the silliness...and yes,my ignorance. (I don't mind a good, honest laugh at my expense.)
As a very American sort of white male in middle age, I have to admit I'm attracted to many of the Muslim women I meet these days. But it started many years ago on a trip to the ME, when I wound up in a sticky social situation. It was the women (mostly professionals) who came to my aid...not the males. The males were indifferent to my plight, dare I say, gleeful.
In those women I saw my sisters, my mom, and some exes from back home. They became just regular "folks". The hijabs disappeared.
23
Great piece! As with most first-gen immigrants, you walk the divide between both worlds. Respect your parents when with them; do what you wish when not. Your own children will be more American than anything else. Enjoy your one life and add to our American story. Also, please ignore our abusive President--the rest of us welcome you and your family!
36
As Black male, I have little sympathy for people who are in your situation due to the clothes you choose to wear to project your identity. I do not have that luxury. You aren't born Muslim, you choose to be one and based in that choice there will be reactions and repercussions both positive and negative. Be proud of your faith and truly live it. I think your biggest problem is that you're trying to be a casual Muslim. It isn't a faith that lends itself well to such treatment. The death threats against the Muslim porn actress have less to do with male dominance than simply following Islamic law assuming that the law is truly God's words. If you don't really believe law, you aren't really a Muslim and that is okay too. It is your choice to make and you should appreciate that you have the luxury to make that choice.
54