My father died when I was 15 leaving the family in severe financial jeopardy. I have always thought the tragedy of his death was partially offset by the sudden termination of my theretofore carefree adolescence and the focus, determination, maturity and seriousness of purpose that I had no choice but to develop.
8
My father died at my feet when I was twelve. It's impossible to say how I would have grown in to a different man, but I do know that I had some very good men in my life to be examples. Family friends, scouting, coaches, the church, all good, caring men. None of them were really father figures, so I had to figure out a lot of stuff on my own, but I knew what it took to be a man.
8
The obvious, but unmentioned, counterpoint to the successful fatherless subjects in this article? Of course, it's the negative, money grubbing, illegal exploits of the Trump Team, featuring mentoring Papa Fred and favorite son Donald. We know how the fruit from that poisonous tree turned out! Isn't a few generations of pathological narcissists enough for this country?
2
Who your father is makes a lot more difference if he lives through your adulthood, than if you never knew him for whatever reason. Just look at Donald Trump. He is exactly what his father groomed him to be. This may well be why he never talks about his mother.
8
I am sure Bruni means well by giviing us some homey platitudes for Fathers' Day, and I must quickly add that most of the time Bruni is incisive and bright, but this essay doesn't have much merit
For example, Bruni speculates that the trauma of losing a Father can force one to augumnt one's abilities and pull oneself up by one's bootstraps and become President ala Obama.
Trauma can do different things and what it will do is dependent on myriad circumstances that superficiial OP ED essays cannot begin to delve into. For starters: Whether trauma induces strength or psychopatholoy often depends on whether the person who has been traumatized feels he is worthy of esteem and happiness or whether he feels guilt and self hate.
I realize I might sound like an unrepenent, anti-deluvian Freudian, but sometimes when a boy's Father dies, the boy feels guilty for having his Mother all to himself and this guilt can only be assuaged by self sabotage, self hate and psychopathology.
Also, when a boy does not have a Father, he can be alienated from other men and suffer in business because he does not know how to interact with other men. (Fatherless boys have lower wages)
3
Thank you Frank Bruni for this moving piece.It povided insight and validation for the feeelings I've always had about President Obama and even David Axelrod. Obama, whom I loved more than any other president in my 77 year old life, has shown extreme sensitivity to others, and great strength in his determination to always do the "right" thing, morally speaking. David Axelrod always seems poised to say the kindest words possible in a given situation,( not necessarily including our current so called "president"). I now agree with your analysis of the effects and affects of early paternal loss on these two men. Early loss of a father, for a boy especially, does create that dark hole that cannot seem to fill up by itself and requires alot of determination, diligence and persistence. I feel these two men found the strenth to carry this burden with grace and love and it also enabled them to triumph so brilliantly.
7
Talk about an appropriate title; What we witnessed in our former president- Barack Obama was a loving father with positive parenting skills.
What we see in our current president is a lost father who certainly is making "history" (with his kids).
2
Thank you. We in the US and the free world (minus dictators) miss him, and his steady hands, his compassion toward another mankind.
4
How can an absent father have influenced Obama more than his watchful, involved mother? She was the loving presence who insisted that he study, that he finish his schooling and who was always there for him.
16
How in the world did Frank fail to mention the current President's relationship with his father; how to conveniently skip over this relevant issue; Mention Obama, Bush, Ford and Reagan- but 'forgot" Donald Trump & Daddy?
3
Thank you for a beautiful column, Frank. I was lucky enough to have my father until he was 83 and I was already in my early 50's. I am so grateful for the perspective that kind of longevity gives one. In my eyes, my Dad transitioned from strict disciplinarian when I was a child and teenager to a gentle and beloved soul as we both grew older. Not sure if he was the one to change or if I eventually developed the maturity to see him as he was. In either case, I am so thankful for that time together. (Btw, I could say the same for my Mom, but after all, this is Father's Day.)
5
Seems the biological connection actually matters less than the psychological connection to the child growing up---of caring, involved step fathers, or male relatives, mentors, and mothers and female relatives and teachers.
Let's not leave out society.
It can give or deprive children of crucial support. Societies can either reinforce the deprivation of fatherless kids, or help make up for this lack, so kids have a better chance to grow up safe and secure, educated, healthy.
It can support their mothers with decent jobs, pay and health care.
Vox article: Most Western European countries have what's called a "universal child benefit," or a basic income going only to families with children.
And a new UN report says US has higher poverty rates than many OECD countries. Says the US also has the highest % of people incarcerated. That's where the fathers of many American kids are.
5
Oh, and I never met my biological father, my first adoptive father died when I was 5, my next one died when I was 18, the last one died when I was middle aged, and I never met my biological mother, but was passed around family members while my adoptive mother worked after her first husband died. I turned out OK, and not the kind of nut some have whined about becoming because of their 'loss', and not a political freak. Get over it already!
2
And now we did a 180 and elected a relentlsss drama queen in the WH.
9
Thank you for this thoughtful column. Fatherless daughters also must find their way, a painful but empowering process.
16
This is a thoughtful and poignant column. I appreciate that you included Presidents Ford and Reagan. I saw President Ford talk about the courage his mother had to leave her abusive spouse and return to Michigan with her 2 year-old son. One had the sense that President Ford understood his life's chances grew immeasurably as he literally became "Gerald R Ford."
Recalling how President Obama went to Newtown in 2012 and met with each and every family of the tragic shooting and how he went to El Reno Federal Prison and became the first President to meet with convicts reflected the best of his humanity and understanding of the connections that we all need, that sustain us, and from which we grow.
21
Appreciate Frank Bruni’s column on this Father’s Day. In my case my dad was both father & mother, a humble, gentle man who taught by example. His passing when I was 53 was a double loss. I honor his memory by sharing much of his life lessons with my son & grandsons. Happy Father’s Day to the dads & dad figures who guide & nurture kids of all ages.
13
As always, a thoughtful premise insightfully explored. Unlike Mr. Bruni's three subjects, my life was blessed with a loving father for 57 years. Although an ordinary man, by most measures, yet loved and admired by all who knew him, his unconditional and unwavering support enabled me to sally forth into this great big world, when the time came, and sometimes even get it right.
4
Thank you Frank, a lovely piece for Father's Day. I lost my own father to a car accident at age 13, during a time of family turmoil. It was a long time healing. Admire all those who were able to get to their best through the worst.
7
"The Loss That Is Forever" by Maxine Harris and an excellent stepfather helped me cope with the death of my father 3 days after my third birthday.
5
Beautiful column on fathers, Mr. Bruni. The historically important and complicated nature of the father-son relationship in particular was also captured initially by the ancient Greeks in their creation myths. There, two tyrannical fathers—Uranos and Cronos—are usurped and killed by their sons, Cronos and Zeus, respectively, because of their fathers’ cruel and unjust leadership. The usurpation stopped with Zeus, as his son Apollo, in spite of a somewhat rocky relationship when Apollo was a teenager, worked out a healthier connection as Apollo matured. Still, Zeus would forever “look over his shoulder,” in fear that karma might be a factor, likewise, in bringing him down. Since myths are morality tales, to me the “father/son” motif suggests that power rests best on the shoulders of men who strive, albeit perhaps imperfectly at times, to use their power not with an iron fist but, rather, justly and with sensitivity for those who depend on them...lessons still relevant today and why the Obama, Axelrod, etc. examples still appeal.
6
I’ve always liked Frank Bruni, but now it’s love. Thank you, I appreciate the message, and so do a lot of other people that might never comment.
10
Maybe our country will find inner strength and eventual peace after the abuse we are experiencing from our “father” in the White House. These examples suggest there is light at the end of the tunnel.
6
I know it’s Father’s Day, yet I can’t help but think a lot of the “shaping” came, not from the fathers who weren’t there, but from the mothers and grandparents who were.
30
Lovely article, thank you Frank
4
Lost my Father when I was seven and an only child. Merely took me three decades to realize that, sooner or later, we all become our own Fathers.
3
Having lost my father at age 3, a lot of this piece resonates with me - the drive to be self sufficient, the "faint but stubborn" ache, and being forced to confront painful loss at an early age. I think drawing lessons about leadership is a stretch, but I'm not as bothered by that as some readers, several of whom seem to bear particular animus towards the examples chosen. Even though it's Father's day I wish Bruni had said more about the role of the surviving spouse. In my case - like Berenson - my mother (who never remarried) did as much as she could to help me know my father.
5
Thank-you for a beautiful tribute on Father's Day. I have missed my Father everyday since his passing eleven years ago. It is my Father who would be able to explain to me how our Country has gone so askew. We are holding on Dad and your love is our shield from the abundant hate of our time. Thank-you.
8
And now we have a President who is mentally unsound, has been married three times, was a draft dodger, has cheated on his taxes, frequently goes bankrupt, is always getting sued, consorts with porn stars, is touchy-feely-grabby with women, evicts senior citizens, helped wreck Atlantic City, peddled fake university courses, doesn’t read and can’t spell, watches Fox News all day, sold cheap neckties and bottled water, makes promises he has no intention of keeping, lies without rhyme or reason and doesn’t own a dog.
I wonder what his father was like.
22
A few books have documented that Trump's father was not a nice man. Based on his son's behavior it must have been far worse. Don, Jr., in an interview said he rarely saw his father for years after his parents divorce. Sometimes the father you have is far worse than the father you never knew.
On this day I feel really lucky to have had the father I did. Not only was he an honorable and decent man but having grown up poor he made sure we learned how to save and manage money. The older I get the more I realize that's a huge gift of love.
So while there is nothing I admire about Donald Trump, his entire world is based on lies and threats, it does seem to have been nurtured at home.
1
Frank, thank you for blowing up the petit-bourgeois myth that only a child from a household with two parents can grow up to be a good citizen.
10
Bruni mentions Obama and Ford and Reagan but left out Bill Clinton not only lost his father but his step-father was an alcoholic.
5
Good or Bad. Dads cut huge swath in a child's soul. Curious how Trump this Father's Day feels knowing damage to countless immigrant children, separated from Fathers.......
10
Once again, the media reaches into it celebrity bag of adoration to point out the effects of losing a parent at a young age. Perhaps a parent that was never or could never be replaced.
This writer lost his father in 1958 at the age of 9 and my mother never remarried. But I am not an adored celebrity of the media culture we live in today, so who cares?
The same culture that only determines a societal problem exisits when it affects headliners. You know, like suicide, the recent media mob obsession or opiods and drugs when they kill a rock star. The NYT's obituary notices only enforces this bias. If we think your famous when you die then we will recognize your passing.
Rank and file Americans deal with the real world everyday while our so called press now rubs shoulders with the likes of Kardashian, Trump, Hillary and Billary, etc. And then the press, our fourth estate, bleeds for them, not the everyday American. How boring.
Give it a rest Bruni, the folks you pay homage to in this article, don't deserve the attention you lard on them. Just another clever way to make us "feel" sorry for them? Really, another set of hypocrital political architects that have also affected
myriads of us in (gasp), negative ways through their own bias?
Try a little harder and get down with the unwashed.
Bill Clinton's "keen need to feel people’s love." Really, Frank?
You just had to weasel in a gratuitous hit, didn't you?
1
Sometimes losing an alcoholic father that you never really knew can screw up your view of reality. We recently had a president like that.
Half of our genetic material comes from our fathers .
If our fathers were present or not during our growth and development is as important as the presence of our mothers .
They both are unequivocally drawing the direction of the path of our lives .
I was blessed to have had both of my parents until I was in my fifties .
They were the seed and the propulsive force of my life , my personality, character and essence .
They were both of humble origin , but they were there to guide me through the perilous paths of existence.
2
Of course the presence of their mothers might have had something to do with their sons’ success....not just how they resolved the absence of their father’s.
23
Cry me a river, Mr. BRUNI. Tragedy, loss of one's loved ones is an inherent part of life, but is Obama the only one to have missed the affection of his father, Axelrod the only one to have a relative commit suicide?But why choose celebrities to illustrate your point, rather than speak of the calamities that affect so many every day.?"Entre parentheses," am amazed that you do not seem to be aware of controversy surrounding "Dreams from My Father,"and hunch of many that it was co written with Bill Ayres, since the literary style of the narrative resembles his.In response to the question of his co authorship,Ayres even joked that questioner might be able to get him some of the royalties.Let me remind you of a far greater tragedy written about by Times's investigative photojouralists:Father in Afghanistan whose sons lost their legs when they picked up by mistake an i.e.d.Authors note that although they were given wheelchairs, the rocky terrain of their village is not wheelchair friendly!They deserve all the help that the Times and other outlets can give this poor family!
Today we have a president who praises mass-murdering, propaganda-spouting dictators - and calls the most brutal of all, Kim, on Father's Day. Somewhere, as he celebrates the removal of United States military from the Korean peninsula - in exchange for no nuclear activity monitoring at all - Kim is singing George Michael:
"I will be your father figure
Put your TINY hand in mine..."
We miss the days of presidents we weren't ashamed of - of presidents we weren't scared of - of presidents who were true fathers to our nation.
9
“I tried hard to have a father, but instead I had a dad.” -Kurt Cobain
The thoughts expressed by Frank Bruni are informative and confirmatory about the life-long effect on Barack Obama, David Axelrod and Joel Benenson caused by losing their fathers at an early age. It is a fitting message on this Father’s Day.
On this particular Father’s Day, there is a more important message.
There is an ongoing gratuitous cruelty of Donald Trump, his chief of staff, John Kelly, others in the Trump White House and, most of all, Attorney General Jeff Sessions in separating young children from their fathers and mothers when, seeking refuge in the United States, they present themselves to border officials for processing and mercy.
Whoever, besides Trump, conceived this barbaric policy – and Stephen Miller is the prime suspect – is a sociopath.
All Americans should be outraged and should be insisting that the Republican leadership in the House and the Senate eliminate the shameful practice immediately.
16
As a woman whose mother was sick all her life, and died when I was just 21, I can relate to this story. One really does make the decision to “sink or swim”. Fortunately, I had a number of caring women in my life, early on through my young adult years who filled in the gaps. I was blessed and just darned lucky.
2
I lost both my parents when I was between the ages of 19 and 23. I sank until I was about 30. At 31 I realized I needed to learn to swim. 53 now and living a life that, in my 20's, I never imagined. Thank you for reminding me how "blessed and just darned lucky" I am, too.
My father I have bitter bitter thoughts of.i was as a boy ,very interested as many kids were in being an astronaut.im 10 years old and Apollo 11 is being launched,in 1969.i was unable to contain myself,i was totally bouncing off the walls , just jumping up and down ,thrilled.dad would not let me watch the launch.he had arthritis , I know, but his bitter casual cruelty to me and my interests left me with very , very bad distasteful memories of him.once, the Atlantis shuttle was landing at Kennedy space center, and he waited till the shuttle was at wheel stop, landed ,then and only then, would he let me watch, so I missed the landing entirely.on this father's day , my memories of him are bitter bitter ones
5
Articles like this are among the reasons why I am ok paying $16 a month for the NYT. Thank you for the article.
5
OBAMA.
MISS HIM EVERY SINGLE DAY!
Enjoy the love of your beautiful daughers and know that you are LOVED and so MISSED, and I was never prouder to be an American than when you were our president.
Now, every night, I take your big photography book recording the images of your presidency to lull me into my dreams (or nightmares). Remembering those glory days and your life in general. So much grace and humanity! I'm just so grateful for the time you served and as I saw the helicopter lift off and take you away from Washington on that very fateful day I cried like a baby.
I'm still crying but its tearless and silent. The horror, The horror of each single day with Trump has left me completely numb.
18
Mother's Day, Father's Day -- losing our mothers at an early age is also a vulnerability as we grow from childhood to adulthood. Barack Hussein Obama is our father today, Frank Bruni, for so many reasons, not least of which that he was and still is a man of kindness, a father in full to our country. Barack Obama is so wonderfully unlike the father in the White House now. Donald J. Trump, is not a good or kind man. He is a father in name only, though his 5 children, 3 boys and 2 girls, bear the stamp of his genetic contribution. Today, Father's Day (though every day of the year is Mother's Day), we remember those fathers who have left us and gone to the country of no return. And wish the ones who are still with us a happy day in this year of 2018. C.S. Lewis said -- "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." Abraham Lincoln said "All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother." The 3 men you honour, Frank -- Barack Obama, David Axelrod and Joel Benenson -- grew to manhood without their fathers. They mastered their grief of their absent fathers and found their own ways into adulthood, wisdom and support. We wish them a happy Father's Day.
6
I hear that Trump’s father was not so nice and it would have been instructive to bring him into the discussion.
1
why?
Thank you for this piece. I lost my father when I was 19, on Father's Day, and I have grown to appreciate that time in my life as a painful but important crucible, that has shaped me in ways that I greatly value. I always dread that stream of heartwarming father appreciation on these days because it just reminds me of what I lack, but your article reminds me of the strength that I have developed in the intervening years because of that absence.
14
Theodore Roosevelt was another who lost his father, whom he absolutely adored, while he was in college.
2
So I guess President Obama felt Putin was "small stuff," that did not need "focusing on"? That would be consistent with what Obama himself said more than once in public, assessing, with brutal honesty, that Russia was in obvious decline as a world power, lagging by every economic & social metric.
Those were obviously highly provocative words to the Kremlin. Perhaps it would have been better not to proclaim them to the world, to stick to the old-school script of treating Putin as "big stuff" meriting "focusing on."
Your column is an elegant riff on Fathers' Day, Mr. Bruni. But fatherlessness has been a constant through history, given the immense losses inflicted by wars; the horrors of totalitarian killing fields, esp. in the 20th c., casual sex, rape, poverty breaking up families, poverty leading to diseases, etc. When some women don't want to mother, they may abort. When some men don't want to father, they may walk away. In a more just world, there may be less war, poverty & disease, but there will be more freedom.
Princes kept at a distance from their busy sovereign parents were also emotionally orphaned. Child Development is a relatively new science, just about 100 years old. It should be on everyone's "big stuff" list, to "focus on."
We can all know our fathers, very well indeed, if we only study our own selves a little more closely. Our fathers are within us, always, all the time. It's just a matter of focus & of flinching less during the search to know more.
It's interesting to read a column mourning the loss of a father in the NYTimes.
Most of the articles are misanthropic and feminist, describing the many alcoholic, abusive, and deserting dads. We have lost our way of revering fathers, because it might offend a woman or a lesbian couple or a child that grew up as an orphan.
Fathers are powerful. Every child measures their life in the years when they lost their father. I was 44. While it seems like a lot of time, it was never enough.
On Father's Day, it is important to remember the complementarity of fathers and mothers, the fact that not all fathers are domestic abusers, and the hope and possibility that men (even White men) have redeeming value.
Whether or not they outnumber women as CEOs.
4
“Most of the articles are misanthropic and feminist, describing the many alcoholic, abusive, and deserting dads. We have lost our way of revering fathers, because it might offend a woman or a lesbian couple or a child that grew up as an orphan.”
Are they now? You’ve done a careful analysis?
5
The articles that bother you seem ubiquitous because the press and patriarchy are finally reporting/revealing men as they are, warts and all. It really has been wrong to so exclude and ignore the role and achievements and positive characteristics of women for so long. Please try to accept this important societal shift as it will enhance our culture and our nation. Men and women, all human beings, are good and bad. Equality, not superiority is what it is about! Be patient.
2
Other than it being Father's Day, what's your point? Not having a Dad doesn't make someone a better person then those of us who did.
2
Are you confusing the fact that their fathers died or were not in their lives and still doing well, with them somehow being better? My take away was to think about my own Dad, who died when I was 43 in the city you live, and consider the impact he had on me and wishing he had lived longer. From my perspective, having one or two parents does not make one better, but there are consequences of an absent parent.
Mr. Bruni is a superb writer and I try never to miss reading his articles. This one on Fathers Day is very touching and very thought provoking. Thank you Mr. Bruni .
7
In 'Losing Fathers, Then Making History', Bruni has invited us to reflect. He considered how three outstanding men were affected by the loss of their fathers when they were young. Commentators shared feelings about their own fathers and mothers, but many have turned to Trump for comparison for with Obama, Axelrod and Benenson. Donald J. Trump, the son of Fred, is that the big. bad man that has also made history It seems impossible for us to get away from this Fatherhead of our country. I don't know why Bruni drew us back to a better time, navigated by more admirable men and women. Perhaps this OP-ED is a rorschach on the American Family now.
Benenson was Hillary Clinton's strategist.
The strategy was not fully developed.
I believe the Clintons could have hired better talent, and would have, if they had had an inkling of what they would be up against.
The Obama Administration was not taking the threat from Putin seriously enough.
Some Clinton supporters were actually hoping Trump would be the GOP nominee. They thought he would be "easier to beat."
So no, I am not impressed with Benenson.
Please, Dems, learn from your mistakes. So much is at stake!
Maria Ashot, The animosity, hatred to be more exact, for Hillary Clinton seemed baked in. Benenson was also handling a candidate that was never natural and almost always extremely cautious. While you point to imperfections in Hillary Clinton's campaign, and I believe have an incorrect interpretation of Obama's position on Putin, those criticisms do not diminish Bruni's considerations of the role of fathers, particularly when they are missing.
Fathers, present or absent, good or bad, have incalculable effect on their children. (Mothers too, but it is Father’s Day.) Adam had 2 sons. Noah and his children. Abraham and Isaac. And later on you have Jehovah and Jesus. Laius and Oedipus. Faulkner’s Sutpen and his damaged offspring. José Arcadio Buendía. Shakespeare is full of fathers and children. Hamlet of course, where you have a dead father and a living stepfather. Henry IV and Henry V (and Falstaff, of course). King Lear (I have often thought that Goneril and Regan are much more like their father than is Cordelia). Kushner’s Roy Cohn and Joe Pitt. Western art would be so much the poorer without the examination of fathers (and father figures) and their children.
If there have not already been thorough examinations of the relationships between fathers and presidents, I suspect there soon will be. Certainly the present man enthroned in Washington has lots to add to that history and analysis, considering both his real father and his mentor (one he shares with Joe Pitt).
I recognize it's Father's Day and your column is crafted accordingly, but the loss of a father at an early age is one event. The day-to-day parenting of the remaining mother is, in my estimation, what shapes those children. Mom can be a rock--as it seems all of these men had in common--or she, too, can check out in which case it's likely their stories would have had a very different outcome. I'm not diminishing their respective losses. What I'm suggesting is that stability in the face of tragedy is an important factor that isn't quite as sexy or dramatic as the narrative of being molded by losing a Dad at an early age.
19
your writing is so eloquent, I always enjoy your editorials, but this one spoke to my heart - thank you
7
My mother was killed by a hit and run driver when I was 3 years old - I’m the youngest of 6. My father just abandoned us after a couple of months. Passed around among neighbors and friends and shunned by unwilling relatives who didn’t want to deal with our father’s erratic behavior, I witnessed 3 brothers ( 9, 13 and 15 ) deal with this “absence of father” dilemma for the rest of their lives. The only thing I believe that they all wound up having in common was an extremely intense sense of loyalty and commitment to their families. I, on the other hand being female, have learned to never trust or count on any man no matter his intentions or assurances of my safety and security, and, I’m ashamed to say, even the “fatherly” type man that I married at a very young age who did his utmost to convince me that I would always be safe and secure in his love, even he, I constantly tested and mis-trusted. So, I guess what I’m getting at here is, age, gender, IQ, these are ALL deciding factors in the “absent father” equation - not to mention socio-economics which always further complicates any already tenuous situation. As for the absence or presence of empathy in anyone due to this particular type of childhood trauma, for me at least, after having watched 5 siblings and knowing my own “empathy scale” so well, I’d have to say that much like the Nature/Nurture dichotomy, I think it’s just another crapshoot....
15
I am a Warriors fan and have watched their incredible rise under coach Steve Kerr. After reading your column, I think Kerr was shaped as well by losing his dad when he was in college. He wants his players to find joy in playing because he knows it is a GAME and they are privileged to play it. It is not life or death which he understands at a level that his team can relate to. I believe it's also why he speaks out about the President; he knows there are times when one can use his popularity to speak out when someone is doing unspeakable things. We in the Bay Area are grateful that he is here to show all of us what it means to be a decent man who has been wildly successful in his chosen profession.
28
Frank Bruni might also have mentioned LeBron James, born in poverty to an unknown father and an unreliable mother. I don't know if James has ever talked about the ache of being fatherless, but his foundation's work on behalf of inner-city kids, his speaking out on social issues important to him, and of course his leadership on the basketball court all speak volumes.
37
The memory of an absent father is shaped by a child's mother. These examples say much about mothering and wise grandparents. One wonders what might have been had any of these fathers been present. What can we learn from these examples? A strong and effective single parent removes the ambiguity that comes with two parents. No one argues about bedtime or homework. Fantasy may be a better alternative to reality. The memories of a bad father can be reshaped as recurring teachable moments by a thoughtful mother. The pain of longing may increase understanding. Are physically present fathers a hindrance to success? I would suggest that many physically present fathers are also absent, struggling financially, working long hours after decades of financial stagnation. These poignant examples also need to be countered by looking at the flip side, those who lost fathers but have little empathy. There are many of them in Washington just a heartbeat away from the Oval.
7
When listening to Mr. Axelrod commenting on TV, he struck one as a wise and well-balanced mind with layers of rationales so well constructed that one never fail to follow and understand core issues at stake.
All three men turned out to be highly professional and influential suggested that somewhere along their individual path, there were positive minds other than their fathers that have nurtured and shaped them. It's less sure if same can be assumed of many who have suffered similar loss.
10
My father was killed in a car accident when I was almost two and my brother was 5 weeks old. Our mother's father was killed in a plane accident when she was 3 months old. There was always a hole in our lives and I know that losing a father at an early age makes one different. But while I feel a bond of shared experience with anyone who lost a father early in life, I don't think one can generalize on the impact. Widowed at 23, my mother went on to get her doctorate and was an influential arts educator and that was greatly due to the devotion of her own mother who committed her life to her only child. My brother and I have had success in our careers but again it is, I believe, to a large extent attributable to the love and devotion we were given from both our mother and grandmother. Losing fathers creates a hole that can never truly be filled, but it is the impact of the mothers who by necessity become both parents that drive the trajectory of the child's life. I am proud of my brother because he is a truly devoted father. He did not have a father's model to follow but he (we) were raised by a loving parent and grandparent and that made the difference. I know President Obama was shaped by his mother and grandmother. That is the common denominator that means the most in my view.
77
I was blessed to be raised by a wonderful father who protected me from childhood nightmares, played ball with my brother and me every night in every summer, and was present in a way that many men in his generation (he was born in 1917) weren't. I also had three sets of cousins who were raised without a dad. Two fathers died young and another divorced my aunt and was never heard from again. So, I saw how difficult it is to be raised without a father - to be without the confidence and security a strong, loving male presence can provide.
This certain knowledge and appreciation of the value of fathers makes me very concerned about the trend of single motherhood today. Yes, women can raise wonderful children alone, like the mothers of the three men in this column did. But let's admit that it's not ideal. We should be encouraging strong parental partnerships. There are way too many fatherless children in the world and it might just be the underlying cause of a lot of societal problems.
18
This, coupled with todays photographic feature about hands on fathers made me pleased, proud even, to be a man. There has been and continues to be so much criticism of men, especially white men, lately and its a relief to read something positive about us. We are, on the whole, dare I say it, decent, loving, supportive and sensitive and deserve some appreciation!
27
Two of the most difficult days of each calendar year, for me, are the ones devoted to our parents. As the child of two deeply flawed and, in the case of at least my mother, pretty widely admired people, I've spent much of my life trying to put parenthood and family heritage into perspective. My own flaws and strengths have to grow directly from the models and experiences I had. My freedom from them continues to be part of a lifetime struggle. I suspect this is the lot of all of us, whether we like our own outcome or not.
Many of us are also parents and grandparents. As we watch the extensions of generational influences continuing, we can only take pride in the successes and watch, mostly without much influence, the power that each of wields on the next and following generations.
13
Why is it that discussions of fathers is so often focused on fathers who were absent or fathers who were domineering or abusive? An overwhelming majority of the fathers I know are present and loving. Why can't we, for one day out of the year, express thankfulness for all the wonderful thing our fathers have done for us and the wonderful things we do as fathers?
39
Because this one, lone article was about fatherlessness. It was written for us, the men who grew up studying the fathers of our childhood friends for answers on how to grow up to be a man. We are the men in society who were raised by women.
10
The overwhelming majority of fathers you know in your settled, comfortable life, yes.
Not far from you, to the south, fathers are committing suicide because a celebrity paterfamilias who would certainly never allow anything of the sort to be done to Ivanka's children is having them forced apart from the kids they were trying to provide for, then jailed & prosecuted as criminals for having followed their basic biological instinct to find a better place to protect their progeny's chances of survival.
The fathers & mothers being subjected to what really is torture at the US border, by taxpayer-funded employees of the American people, really are doing wonderful things. They are exposing to the world the shameful lie behind the words, "land of the free, home of the brave."
We are not brave, in America: we are terrified of destitute people with brown skin, who speak Spanish. We are terrified of their children, even their babies. A nursling at her mother's breast is as terrifying to us as a terrorist: we must immediately drag that shrieking infant off, wean her by force & "lock her up!" What if she grows up to be another Hillary Clinton? Another Shakira? The horror of it!!
We are certainly not "free." We are not free to act in any way not approved by the latest member of the dictators' club. We are not free to hire someone to look after our frail or needy family members without ensuring those applicants for the precious privilege of changing diapers arrived on the Mayflower.
2
"It can also create a certain perspective."
Interesting column Mr. Bruni, but your statistical survey consists of 3 people. The level of generalization is so great that the column is beyond criticism. Take, e.g. 10 presidents, or 15 prime ministers or whatever and their advisers.
In any case, read some of the major works on psycho-history and relationships of historical leaders to fathers, mothers, families etc. etc. It does not have to wait until next Fathers Day.
You provided one perspective, but a very wobbly one indeed.
8
I don't think this brief column was meant to be a comprehensive disquisition on pubic figures' relationships to their fathers, but rather a look at paternal influence on the lives of a few well-known men, apropos of fathers day.
1
Our parents make us or break us but we ultimately must decide how much we're going to allow them to impact our lives. For me, fathers day is the day my mom finally chose to leave an abusive husband. I've spent my life making sure that I'm the adult the kids in my life can rely on because I know what it feels like not to have any support from your parents.
These men have all channeled their losses into ways to make a difference in other peoples lives. They have empathy for others and the self reliance to do something about it. Thank you for sharing their stories. Not all of us fatherless kids will go on to be a president but we can all use our experiences to make a difference in the world.
53
David Axelrod might carry the heaviest burden of these three extraordinary men. Of course, everybody carries his own stress and her own joy, but emotionally as I see it, the only thing more troubling to a developing youngster than losing a parent to suicide is losing a child for the same wrenching reason.
36
This column doesn't ring true to me. My father died unexpectedly when I was twelve and now I am over 70. One phrase you used was "sink or swim". Your three examples swam but "sink" is the other possibility.
Aside from the death of the father, one might ask what else and who else were instrumental for better or worse in the young person's life after the event?
16
I was blessed to have my father until he died the day after my 40th birthday. By that point, he had become my friend as well as my father.
People matter. Parents matter. Let's never take that for granted.
23
My father grew up poor and fatherless. His mother threw his alcoholic father out and raised two girls and a boy alone. Yet, my father was a very successful businessman and a great, caring father of three. I didn't realize until after he died that he did it all without a role model or counselor.
Now that my children are parents, I can see that my father's drive to succeed in business and in life came from something within that drove him to change the course of all of our lives for the best.
Thank you, Dad. Love and miss you.
51
Just occasionally, certain people make me wish for retroactive contraceptive. Or even abortion. Naming no names, as Frank has asked us to be civil. Just saying.
14
Phyliss Dalmatian,
You submit some wonderful comments.
DP
3
Thank you. I'll be here all week, and please tip your waitress. LOL.
I love me some Frank, and Gail.
1
Neither of my grown children will become president, but I hope my example of being a father (and husband) meet the same criteria thatmy father and President Obama exuded: honesty, empathy, compassion, humor, and servant leadership.
22
Paul. That’s a great list of character traits. Happy Fathers Day .
3
After reading this column, Mr. Bruni, you're wide--by a great margin--of the unwritten truth: the absence of fathers does matter; but what of the "quality" that the missing father may have brought to bear?
I ask this because the president of the United States was shaped by his father, Fred Trump, a man who taught his son the ins and outs of red-lining. The 45th president was certainly shaped by his father, and not, reportedly, for the better.
In the case of the three main subjects of your article, Barack Obama, David Axelrod and Joel Benenson, they all took steps as (a) a boy and as (b and c) teenagers to fill a void with positives, with a will to the good. This cannot be said of the racist refusers, Trump père et fils. Fred Trump lived 54 years before dying in 1999.
So I return to my first paragraph. It's not the length of the relationship that matters, but the quality. Trump's obviously was lacking. Obama, Axelrod and Benenson, in the absence of a paternalistic presence, learned how to live without a parent without using his absence as a crutch. The success of these three men, without the obvious advantage of a father in the home (Trump) and enormous wealth (Trump again) redeems them as human beings who persevered against a crippling deficit.
One wonders how Donald Trump, with no such impediments barring him from either emotional stability or social acceptance, turned out as he has.
Your colleague, Maureen Dowd, describes him less generously.
Happy Father's Day.
54
You are so right.
And the other aspect of Trump’s poor modeling from his own father (no excuse, certainly, but I think he reflects poor input and bad complexes from Fred) is how that, in turn, was passed on to his own children. On the surface, they have known success both academic and financial, but on the inside? Do they carry fear of seeming “a loser” to Dad? Did they internalize his cutthroat competition and drive for success by any means necessary? Then their lives aren’t enviable at all.
Trump described his late brother as having been driven to alcoholism by their father. Donald claimed that he could handle their dad, but his brother couldn’t. Well, he might not drink, but he still clearly didn’t cope well with life.
The legacy of poor fathering can continue destructively, just like the legacy of absentee fathers.
Happy Father’s Day to you and yours.
34
According to the New York Times, this is what Donald Trump said to the people who attended his father’s wake, including a number of real estate and political big shots:
“My father taught me everything I know. And he would understand what I’m about to say. I’m developing a great building on Riverside Boulevard called Trump Place. It’s a wonderful project.”
So, he certainly was shaped by his father. Never pass up an opportunity to sell.
3
CAT AND GOWN
I reached 71 years old this morning
And my wife gave me a new dressing gown
While the boys gave me a book about cats
With the latter all being survivors
Of the Christchurch Earthquake
And as I drank my tea in my big green chair
My wife and I discussed spun cotton or terry towelling
And how you couldn’t buy for love or money
The kind of dressing gown that I liked
And the conversation drifted to my mother
On the 9th of June 1944
And how she had not really wanted another child,
In any event with my father, and that
After his death with the RAF in October 1943
She was left to pick up the pieces alone
Except for a 7 year old daughter and a newborn baby
And I explained again that my father’s terry towelling
Dressing gown which had been handed down
To my stepfather, but which he never used,
Hung behind the bathroom door at the farm
And how I used to pick at the cotton
Trying to understand
And I could see my wife bite her bottom lip.
104
Gorgeous. Best wishes, and more please.
22
Sigh, exquisitely expressed; that dressing gown belongs with Borges' "Things" ( "Which serve us, like unspeaking slaves,/ So blind and so mysteriously secret)
13
One doesn't often see poetry in Times commentary. Doggerel and limericks, yes: poetry, no. Thank you, Keith Johnson, for your lovely poem.
2
It's be interesting here to pschoanalyze Trump's relationship to his father. Was the latter's toughness instrumental in shaping 45? It probably was.
5
Just like a farmer raising a pig. The trough is always full.
Though I'm a conservative, I read a lot of liberal press. I can learn more from those with whom I disagree. But I have never read anything more egregious and destructive than this piece.
Is Bruni really trying to extol the virtues of growing up without a father ? "Where does a man get that confidence? Maybe from realizing early that he can fend for himself. Maybe from developing a resilience that others didn’t have to, at least not as soon."
By contrast, the data universally demonstrates that growing up without a father in the home is significantly worse for kids. "Research by Sara McLanahan at Princeton University suggests that boys are significantly more likely to end up in jail or prison by the time they turn 30 if they are raised by a single mother."
http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2012/07/single_motherhood...
As if this isn't bad enough, Bruni tries to eulogize the tragedy of fatherless homes by using examples of where fathers died early. Obviously, in such situations, everyone is blameless. But consider the plight of blacks especially in the last half century. An amazing 72% of black children are born to single mothers. Anyone who doesn't connect that to the problems in the black community just isn't paying attention. And anyone who blames racism is ignoring history - since as recently as 1965, 76% of black children were born to married parents.
We should be venerating family not celebrating its destruction.
6
That is a very negative take on this column. Frank is not promoting absentee fatherhood, he is looking at why some individuals rose above it. We always learn of, and can appreciate, stories of people thriving despite adverse circumstances; these are no different.
And as for the reference to black absentee fathers, you may recall a man of color who called upon others to step up and take responsibility for raising the children they made. This man was willing to take heat for his challenge, too. He knew of what he spoke, being a devoted father despite having grown up largely without his own. That man was soon elected president. And he was no Republican. That was Barack Obama.
58
Bruni is paying tribute to the accomplishments of 3 men who managed to make a mark in life despite their losses, not arguing that this is what anyone would choose.
55
Princeton, you really twisted this story. Bruni isn't promoting fatherless homes. He is merely discussing how these men rose above it and that it might have led to their self-sufficiency. I think that there were other adults in their lives that helped them on their way. We all need to admit that fathers and mothers come in all tyoes. Some are good and some aren’t. Most of us also agree that having two good parents is a good thing but having a bad or abusive mother or father can be crippling. I’ve seen single mothers and fathers who do a great job of bringing up their children. People are, after all, a varied lot.
8
I was always somewhat surprised that my mother seemed to be impacted by the absence of a father she never knew. He died of a massive coronary 7 months before she was born, but somehow she missed the idea of him & his presence. The loss did, on a practical level, profoundly change her life. With 4 children to support, my grandmother worked long hours, so they were all 'latchkey kids' in a family which had to move a few times because the rent went up.
Still, it was the sense of profound loss because she had no father present which was striking. Whether through death, imprisonment, abandonment, divorce or something else, loss of a father (or mother) changes a child - and potentially changes the whole trajectory of his/her life.
46
I worry about my step-daughter's little girl (16 months old). She is the product of a "whoops" with an ex-boyfriend. The boyfriend is faithfully paying substantial child support, has asked for (and seen) pictures of his daughter, but has never met her. What will the impact be of having a father who exists in the world, knows about you, but chooses to have no contact? This frightens me.
2
This was a beautiful column, even though largely speculative. I'm sure the early loss of a dad in childhood (or adolescence) played a huge role, and while Frank might not have it entirely right, who can quibble with the essence?
Most of the examples were sons of fathers cut short too soon. Yes, you did include Hillary, but on Father's Day, I can't help but look back at my own father who had an outsized influence on me and my relationships with men. I was 33 when he died, and as jarring as that experience was, it was also transformative, in a largely positive way.
Mothers and fathers, daughters and sons. We don't get to choose either, or when they die, but it's up to us to figure out where we go from there.
47
It's mystifying that the ordinarily intrepid Mr. Bruni manages to avoid the elephant in the room: why no mention of the toxic relationship between Donald J. Trump and his late father, Fred? Who can deny that our country's affairs have been contorted and damaged by the fact that the senior Mr. Trump was apparently a cold, distant man, impossible to please, who provided his son with all the accoutrements of a comfortable lifestyle but with little affection and less respect? Had he never struggled to impress the old man, it's likely that The Donald would have stayed out of politics, been more accepting of his own limitations and less inclined to transform American society into the cesspool that validates his own lack of ethics and moral decency. It certainly would have discouraged him from taking credit for his father's accomplishments by promulgating the fiction that he alone was responsible for the success of a business that he has himself brought to the brink of bankruptcy on four separate occasions. Judeo- Christian theology dictates that we honor our father and mother. Fred Trump may have been an emotionally aloof parent but he certainly deserved better than this. Anyone taking bets on the likelihood that our feckless leader will be visiting his father's gravesite in Queens come Sunday? Or on the near-certainty that most of his fellow citizens will never experience the sort of warmth and caring from Mr. Trump that he sought in vain from the man who raised him?
86
@ Stu: isn't it, however, a relief, for Father's Day, to be looking at men who overcame an early deprivation of fathers' influence, to become decent, high achieving human beings? Good for the blood pressure?
Trump has been analyzed to the nth degree - his life has been picked apart, by amateurs and pros, to come up with a reason for his cruel, greedy narcissism.
I disagree that Fred Trump deserved better -from what has been reported, old Fred definitely sounds like the block of ice this Trump was chipped from. Perhaps Donald and Fred Jr would have turned out better had their father vanished from view before installing twisted family values? If they had seen so a mother
We can perhaps have a anti- Father's day followup devoted to the Trumps - focused on how over-exposure to a bad father can be toxic.
26
Good insights. I would bet his mother was contemptuous, demanding, and critical too.
8
But how much nicer to think about people we admire for a change, don't you think?
4
As the facts continue to emerge about former President Barack Obama’s less than stellar behavior in office (the latest being his untruthfulness In telling the American people that he learned of HRC’s private server at the same time as the American people and MSM did), one can’t help but think of the ‘character’ issue. That if he, Obama, had had a closer relationship with his father growing-up that it could have made a difference in his conduct while in office. A father’s authority and discipline in establishing right from wrong is critical to a child’s moral upbringing. Unfortunately with an absent father, Obama didn’t get near enough of that.
3
Phillip Ruland....Barack Obama was the most decent and ethical human the United States has had as President since Jimmy Carter graced the Oval Office, no doubt thanks to the moral guidance and intelligence of Barack's mother Ann Dunham, and of Barack's grandparents Madelyn and Stanley Dunham, who raised him after age 10.
Obama had a scandal free Presidency.
Contrast that with the current horror show of a President, who was born with a million dollars in his mouth and who is devoid of thought, grace, nuance, compassion, ethics and any sense of propriety, adulthood, or right and wrong.
Proof that sometimes not having a father - so to speak - is sometimes better than having one.
Your father would not be impressed with your lack of critical thinking skills.
268
Mr. Ruland, obviously you have decided to ignore history, like Mr. Trump does every day. During Obama's tenure we never had a singly scandal or the numerous incidents of moral horror we have become used to during this administration. Obama made us proud as a family man who was a beacon of hope for the rest of the country. Look at what we have now in the white house, no morals, so many scandals that new ones no longer have an effect upon the nation's citizens along with making our once great country the laughing stock of the rest of the world.
18
I cannot understand the hypocrisy of your party allowing your president to govern through tweets. Then you have the audacity to talk about Hillary Clinton’s private server? t has provided top secret Information to the Russians in his office, uses his office to build fortunes for himself and his family, broken the emoluments clause over and over that I could go on and on. We have had scandal after scandal following one of the greatest presidents the United States has ever had! As you know President Barack Obama is Considered to beone of the top 10 presidents and go down in history for saving our country‘s economy. Your president on the other hand has taken a growing economy and is ruining it with his huge tax breaks to the wealthy as well as Trade war he has implemented.
17
It is so remarkable that President Obama, with an absentee father, was so accomplished not only academically and career wise, but also as a father himself.
The sun rose and set in Sasha and Malia to Obama. He not only adored them, he wanted them to have every opportunity that young males could take for granted. President Obama had high standards for his daughters and for himself as a parent. He deeply loved and respected Michelle, giving their girls a model of how they should ultimately expect to be treated in a relationship.
When Barack Obama was running for president, he boldly (and controversially) called for men to be responsible fathers. Any fool can make a child, he said, but it takes so much more to stay and raise that child. Imagine how good a character President Obama had to understand a role which was not modeled well to him.
153
reply to NM, NY
I agree with what you have written about President Obama, but wish you had not used past tense throughout. Unfortunately, it reads like an obituary for the entire family of four wonderful, still-living and actively involved human beings.
4
Use of the past tense in your response makes it an obituary. Barak Obama continues to be an exemplary parent as his daughters transition from teens at home to independent adults. Let's celebrate his parenting skills--which didn't end when his presidency did.
3
This is a very poignant column and well said. It should remind all Americans on Father’s Day that our government is now practicing state policy to forcibly separate children from their fathers and mothers.
While Trump spouts off about the “democrats are to blame”,that’s a lie. The policy to separate families at the border as a deterrence to come to America in the first place violates international law and this is a new precedent set in our names as citizens.
Trump supporters will also claim that President Obama did this with refugees from Central America. This too is a lie as the Obama administration was adapting to overcrowding rather than issuing a decree like Trump did to use family separation as a deterrence, even justifying it with Biblical references.
This is Father’s Day in America but we should also be calling our representatives in Congress to oppose Trump’s horrific state policy aimed at forced separation of children and their parents.
37
I think Obama, Axelrod and Berenson (and Clinton) had some strong, smart and loving women in their lives.
My Dad died three years ago but we lost each other decades ago due to his alcoholism. He was present in my life even though he was mostly unpleasant.
Still when I see this new generation of men taking active nurturing places in their children's lives, I am happy and hopeful.
34
I have never been a father ,but I think I understand the difficult relationship
between fathers and sons, as I had
a very difficult relationship with my
own father.the extraordinary thing
about this column is that we can
overcome these problems and still
find our common humanity, whatever
our struggles and come out the other
end as human beings and proud parts
of the resistance to a man who never
learned any thing from his own father
except how to make a deal whatever the
costs to our American values.
16
My father died over 25 years ago, but I still think about almost everyday and the wisdom, manners, etc, he imparted within me. Each and every year on the date of his death, there is a bittersweet moment, since his granddaughter was born on the same day. At least he got to spend a few years in her life.
I think it will be much the same for me 3rd daughter, because she was born on my birthday. When it comes for my time to leave this coil, I believe she will go through the same emotions. I can only dream of imparting to her the same wisdom that me Da did for me.
Wherever he is, I hope he is having a grand time.
27
Happy Fathers Day to all the Dads out there. A special greeting and thank you to the Dads treating all their kids equally, and fairly. Children remember everything, and tend to pick-up their Parents habits, both good and bad. Just saying.
31
Thanks for this Father’s Day column, Frank. My husband and I are both missing our deceased dads this weekend. Mine has been gone for nearly 20 years, his for only two years. We were both fortunate to have had our fathers alive until we reached adulthood. Mine, however, did not live to meet my husband or to see us get married. Those people who have lost a father (or mother) while young likely faced a more difficult childhood. But a loving family—-and friends—-can help to make these most painful experiences more bearable. And while broken hearts never completely mend, the pain associated with losing a parent eases over time. To all of those who are dads or are father-like figures to others, Happy Father’s Day.
18
I was born when my father was away, fighting with many of his compatriots, in WWll. He was a medic in the 4th Armored Division, first ambulance company to breakthrough at Bastogne. He was a stranger to me when he came home and I was 4. He was present in my life until I was 58, and while I was keenly aware, not only of his humanity but his nobility, he also was strangely sad, alcoholic in those middle years. Reflecting on his life and relationships, I wonder that we have to bring to bear the impact, multi dimensional, of life experiences on these men we call "Dad". My sense during my childhood was that there was something wrong but he couldn't help it. Now I believe there was something transcendental that he stayed. I am grateful for that but not sure he knew that.
6
My ex-husband has recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. He is only 57 and his doctor has told him he has one or two years. Our children are ages 20 and 23. While he was not the best of husbands (perhaps I was not the best of wives), he has been a loving dad
who has been present in his kids' lives as much as he would have been had we remained married. I am so very sad for what he - and our kids - are going through. Life truly is unfair.
6
A telling point here is that Barack Obama had no father figure to speak of, and his successor did. Obama made the most of a life without fatherly love and guidance and rose to the great heights of the US Senate and the presidency.
Conversely, the sitting president was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, yet lacks compassion, grace, charm and dignity, noble virtues that his predecessor has in abundance. He had every advantage that Obama did not have, mainly money and the right color. Ask American citizens and world leaders today which of the last two presidents they admire the most.
Barack Obama had no father but gave his country everything good and decent. The current president had a father but has given his country nothing but misery and regret.
189
Well, it's interesting how we both picked up on and wrote about something similar! ;) It's a bit of an example of how the same thing which melts one person strengthens another. President Obama intuited what he deserved in his own life and was able to rise to the occasion himself. Others failed.
If I can share this, my own (now late) father was like that, too. His parents separated when he was young (in a time and place when that was not common or looked upon well), was raised by his widowed grandmother, and rarely saw his own father before that man's early death. Yet my dad was always there for his own children and was very involved in our lives. He filled a role which had not been demonstrated to him.
This is our first Father's Day without him; he passed away last September, just shy of turning 97(!). We miss him and feel his absence. But we will enjoy being here in the home he loved, we will enjoy each other's company just as he did, and we will appreciate how a good parent's greatest legacy lives on in those who survive them.
Thanks, as always, for writing.
32
@NM -- we do seem to be on the same wavelength. Your excellent point about character is what separates Obama from his successor. All the wealth and privilege enjoyed by the current president cannot disguise the dark and ugly malevolence of his soul. He is a wretched man in spite of his station in life.
Your father may be gone in the physical sense but he is closer to you than you think. His influence and teachings are evident in your posts that contribute so richly to the Times' comment threads. For these reasons, he lives within you. 97 years is a long time and not many people are blessed with that kind of longevity.
Obama believes in America and worked hard to aspire to great heights. His successor feels that life owes him everything and his smallness of person resents the success of the Obama years. His heart and soul are bereft of character and integrity which is why America is such an unhappy land today. As always, it's great to chat with you!
2
Agree. Trump had every advantage. Every advantage and yet he spews lies; foments hate; demeans, disrespects, and blames others; grabs attention at every turn, and paints himself as the victim.
10
Biology does not a father make. My stepfather was the guiding influence in my life. He taught me manners, decency, and that all human beings deserve the same respect. He was there for us. My biological father was absent in my life, and when he passed away, I am not certain I shed a tear. When my stepfather passed away I mourned him as the true father for me he was, and at 72, I still think of him often and miss him.
Happy Fathers Day to all those who are called and thought of as "Father".
142
Thank you for remembering stepfathers. They aren't all like Charles Dickens figures. I couldn't help wondering what influence Obama's Indonesian stepfather may have had on him.
My brother is biological father to two adults and stepfather to two slightly older adults whose biological father beat their mother, then moved out of the state and refused to assist in their support or upbringing ever after. My brother told me how these two young children sat down on the couch on either side of him when he was first introduced to them. He was smitten and so were they. If you ask them who is their father, they'll tell you it's the man who raised them and who still lives near them now.
13
Flaminia, I thought the same thing about President Obama. His stepfather must have had some influence on him in his upbringing. Your brother's stepchildren are fortunate to have him in their lives.
Lovely, Diana..
2
Bruni asks: "Where does a man get that confidence?"
Please. These men had mothers too! Why ignore them? Obama's mother, who has gotten much less press than his absent father was an exceptional woman. She surely developed much of his intellectual breadth, broad humanitarian and cultural viewpoint, and intelligence. His grandparents gave him love and assistance too.
Who gains by bemoaning absent fathers and ignoring the powerful contributions of mothers and other family support? Assuming the power comes primarily from the father is an error of patriarchal thinking. That framework makes women's valuable work, skill, and contributions invisible.
204
Even so, this is surely true: "their absence as much as their presence wields extraordinary power.
14
Our daughter was six when her dad died. Yes, I’ve done (humbly) an outstanding job raising her alone. I’m told she us a well rounded, kind, mature, and smart fifteen year old. Yes, I get some credit for that. Mr. Bruni isn’t focusing on that but I don’t care. I appreciate his speaking to my daughter’s loss and recognizing the huge impact her father’s absence has in her life now and as she moves into adulthood. Today, the silent loss of many children without fathers who are physically present is heard.
25
I wonder if this article was about fathers because tomorrow is Fathers Day.
2
Thank you for these moving words about three men whom I respect and admire. What really hit home was David Axelrod's comment about Barack Obama: "There is a humanity to him." Perhaps that is why I am glad that I lived long enough to experience the presidency of this intelligent, compassionate, and moral man. His humanness..from singing Amazing Grace at a memorial to shedding tears, crying openly, over the senseless and ruthless killings of beautiful, innocent young children...spoke to my heart and mind. Perhaps, yes, it was the fact of losing their fathers at such young ages or never really knowing them that drove these individuals to become men of character and leadership. But we must give them credit for whom they are and probably would have been as adults even if life was kinder to them. We all know of one man, a father himself, who had both his parents while growing up. But we are forced to question his humanity and moral compass, are we not? Some men - and women - are just born good while others are not.
127
"Perhaps" is the only accurate part of this comment.
Phacops from Texas: If "perhaps" you are a father, Happy Father's Day to you! How's Texas doing btw with all those immigrant children who have been separated from their daddies - and mommies? Hope their facilities are air conditioned well. I hear it gets pretty warm there in the summer.
I never met my biological father.
When I was in grade school, my mother married a man who subsequently adopted me. He was never bad to me, but he never treated me like the son he and my mother had together.
He had no interest in what I did. Never helped me with school, sports. Never taught me how to drive or even how to tie a tie.
I was not his real kid. It was obvious, to everybody.
Sounds sad.
But it forced my independence. I worked odd jobs from grade 6 on, sought out strong male mentors that saw a spark where my stepfather did not. And so far, it has worked out. I have a great career and a wonderfully supportive wife.
Unfortunately this does not happen for everybody.
My most successful and my most screwed up freinds have one thing in common, the absence of their father.
For the lucky ones it drives them. For others who are troubled it compounds it.
For most it is abit of both.
My mother decided before I was born that I would never meet my father. Repeated inquiries, visits by him and his parents were rejected.
Forty years later I finally found my Dad, in an obituary.
I understand why my mother did what she did. It does not make it any easier to accept and forgive.
All I would ask is for women who have difficult relationships with their ex's and want them out of their and their son's lives. As long as they are not evil, do what you can to include them.
Boys need a Father and Fathers need their sons.
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