From a Pediatrician, Lessons for Dads-to-Be

My former spouse is an excellent pediatrician but his narcissistic behavior destroyed our family as his son approached adolescence. As wife #2, I became invisible when the demands of marriage and parenting went on. When my daughter was 8 she was diagnosed with leukemia and although dad was downstairs working in the ED, he never once could spot me for lunch.

This gives me so much hope. As the child of a neglectful, uninterested and abusive father, I can testify that the damage lasts a lifetime. Even without the abuse, the "there but not there" part itself is deeply depressing to a child, for their sense of worth and need to feel loved. So I'm incredibly happy that dads are getting more involved, and actually want to. One silver lining of the brutal American system of depriving mothers (and parents in general) of adequate parental leave after the birth of a child is that the two parents are on a more equal footing than they are in other countries. If the mom has to go back to work after just a couple of weeks, and both parents work outside the home, neither has a significant advantage (or excuse) to do more or less of the work. So dads just have to get involved. I've noticed this with my American parent friends vs. European parent friends. With the latter, the mom stays home for a year or two and the dad barely sees his kids, so it's easy for the mom to take over almost everything, including decision-making. The dad falls out by the sidelines by default. But American dads with working spouses often have no choice but to step in, so they're more involved from earlier on, and have a more balanced family dynamic. That's not to say our system is better - it's still inhumane to send women back to work while they're still bleeding and exhausted. Both parents should get decent leave of some sort. But at least we have a silver lining.

I think the Dad's involvement in the care of the baby brings out the underlying dynamics of the parent's relationship. I will say from personal experience and observation of many parent-child relationships that mother's who are critical of a father's care see the baby as their child, and the father is just a helper. This can make the father feel marginalized. It is not a healthy situation. In a healthy relationship, each parent is supportive of one another efforts to be involved with the baby. The baby, in turn, has a more secure attachment with parents.

As part of a familial "village"(one grandma in addition to three other grandparents) who care for two little boys under two I think this article was very appropriate for "dads to be"! I'm proud the younger Dads are speaking up and reaching out to their peers! They will be able to teach their boys that they are important from the moment the baby comes home!

I recommend to all new dads to take a swim class with your 6 month old WITHOUT MOM. It is critical to force yourself to be in change of getting yourself and the baby, swim, shower again, get dressed and get home. The actual class is a total waste of time--easily any hour of getting changed for 20 minutes in a pool. BUT it is really good for your confidence to do it with your kid and to force yourself to figure it out. (little hint-its also much easier to parent without mom/grandma/nanny watching and correcting what you are doing)

This is a fantastic article, thank you! Both the doctor and Mr. Penny are truly models for positive community engagement and nurturing personal growth, and I hope their initiatives spread across the country and throughout communities.

This is balanced by the phenomenon of maternal gatekeeping- where a mother gives negative feedback on a father’s care. Repeated instructions “ Not that way !” or redoing work that a father has already done actively undermines paternal involvement. Offen the same mothers who are constantly “correcting” the father also complain to their female friends that they have to do “all the work”. Yes it’s good to empower fathers, let’s also address maternal sabotage of that involvement.

Saleem! What a wonderful update on a great human being and Emerson Hunger Fellow alum. And what a great article, as I have experienced with my own husband, who had never held a baby before but took extensive notes at our baby care class and jumped right in care-taking our newborn son.

I had difficulty with breast feeding, so much so that my daughter needed to be bottle-fed. The plus side of this was that my husband took over many of the feedings. He absolutely loved doing it, and said that feeding her really helped him bond with her.

As a stay at home dad, I can echo the isolation felt by Dr. Garfield on the playground. It can be really tough. And there’s little support or sympathy. The absence of other fathers at the playground, the constant exclusion from social/parenting groups by moms, the insensitive numbskulls who ask crying children- while their father is holding them- “Where’s your mommy?” And the discussions about challenges facing caregivers always focus on women to the exclusion of men. For example, I’m not sure why we refer to a “gender” pay gap when we know it’s really a caregiver pay gap- it only appears after marriage and when child and elder care issues arise. Dads who are the go-to childcare parent face this exact problem, and it is quite frustrating to see it framed in a gendered lens that doesn’t recognize that fathers face the same issue. So thank you for bringing some attention to the male half of child care. It’s well overdue.

It never occurred to me that a parent would be so disconnected from the upbringing of his own child until I saw other dads avoiding their own children for anxiety, "traditional male" expectations of just plain selfishness. Get over the fear, get off the couch and bond with your child. You have a responsibility. The video games and sports can wait. But if you need to be told this, you probably were never ready for the responsibility. I laud these dads for getting educated. Time is fleeting. Before you realize it, you'll have missed all those "firsts."

This is a great idea, but I would hope they start a program like this a couple miles south of Northwestern University... So much of these great programs are offered to highly educated (typically white) 30-something first time parents. I think it'd be great to offer it in other areas of the city to different socioeconomic groups and younger men/teens on the brink of becoming first time parents.

Why would we be consulting physicians on what is a psychological issue? Physicians are not psychologists. Physicians should stick to what they know, giving shots and writing prescriptions, and let experts in matters of attachment, adjustment, and parenting lead the way. That would be psychologists.

Great to hear about this class in Chicago. Definitely need them in every city. Every obstetrician should be able to tell the father where to attend one. My own father did not do any of this but I know a father who does and it has made such a difference in his daughter's life. She got lucky...

So we begin with the premise that most new fathers are incompetent fools who are innately disinterested in, or terrified about, their children. and of course, the moms-to be- desperately want them to be involved. Get back to me when some of these men actually suggest to their child's mother that she might be seriously mistaken about some aspect of THEIR child's development. Being involved (how nice!) in my child's life has been an ongoing battle with his mother since the day he was born. But I'm still here, and I'm not going anywhere. Happy Father's Day.

A little advice from a dad of two boys, now 12 and 14. 1. Enjoy each moment with them. The memories you are making will sustain you to the end of your days. 2. Obnoxiously take thousands of photos and movies and store them on a 2tb hard drive. A decade on you will look back on their earliest days and cry. 3. Be a good man and buy term life insurance that will leave their mom debt-free and the kids college paid in full. Don't skimp on this. Enjoy!

I love the idea of a dads-focused event at the local Children's Museum. More child-focused facilities should hold events like these to encourage dads to attend with their kids. It's also an opportunity for fathers in marginalized communities to get access to information they need such as health advice. It could be that some facilities are wary of such events in case they exclude families where no father is present but surely the benefit to fathers who are present in their children's lives would be greater than any hurt caused.

I think these expectant fathers will look back on this program with gratitude for helping them establish deep bonds with their babies from day one. In the bigger picture, in addition to benefitting families, fathers expanding their parenting roles should have a positive effect on workplace issues like those reported in the recent NYT article on pregnancy discrimination.

"You are a team and you are forever with this child." Yes indeed. Fatherhood, parenting in general, is forever. Or at least the remainder of your life. So enjoy the adventure; because it truly will be one. If I could offer but one small piece of advice to anxious new Fathers (and Mothers, too) it would be to ask you to pull up, recall, your own earliest memories from childhood. Go as far back as you can and pull them up. Remember them. They're there. Relive them from your now adult perspective. And then with that in mind focus on your child, who is now at that very same point. You may find you have all the guidance you need to secure, do right and be comfortable with, your child right there and available. You'll know what they are going thru and how best to help, all available from that fount of your memory. It's the gift your childhood memories gives to you (the adult) to pass along to your daughters and sons. John~ American Net'Zen

A wonderful article. I work in women’s health and feel a renewed effort to involve husbands/ partners when they are also at the visit!

At my daughter's elementary school, there was a Dad's Group that organized activities specifically for Dads and their kids eg a weekend at a fun campground that had lots of outdoor activities. It was a great bonding experience for Dads and their kids as well as Dads with other Dads.

So very true. I come from a family of at least 3 generations of highly involved fathers (which made my father a really odd duck in the 1950's) and I can say for certain having a father who is hands-on makes such a difference.

Happy to read about all of the positive aspects of an involved father. Our 5 month old daughter has the biggest smile when she sees my husband - it’s the sweetest thing. My husband took a great class before our daughter was born called Bootcamp for Dads. He too had never held a baby or changed a diaper and at this class the instructors bring their infants to give the expectant dads hands-on experience. My husband was so proud to show me the picture of him changing his first diaper in that class and he has changed countless more since she was born. We highly recommend this class or one like it.

One of the most beautiful pieces of advice we got in our childbirth class was that shortly after the delivery, when they put the newborn under the warming lights, my husband should stand close to the baby and speak his name. The instructor explained that our son would turn to look for that familiar voice. That is exactly what happened and it is one of my husband and son’s very favorite moments in recounting their life together thus far. Fathers matter tremendously. I was fortunate to have had a terrific Dad in an era when Dads were often less involved. My Dad was always present, despite a long commute and some travel. He was president of the PTA one year! I think this is very important work and I am glad to see it being undertaken.

It is disappointing that there are only six comments to this article. I am reading it at 10:30am EDT Saturday, June 16. I think it is so very important that fathers understand how important their role is in the healthy development of their babie; however, I also believe it is important that the mothers of the babies understand how important the father is as well. I have seen too many mothers dismiss what their spouses, boyfriends, baby daddys want to do and how the fathers want to be involved. Just because the "other" parent does things differently, does not mean he is doing it wrong. Mothers involve the Fathers of your babies!

Toddlers too! Many dad's are around at the beginning and for the cute parts but once the kids tantrum, slow investigatatory walks...

A German friend told me recently that her charge a 3 yo boy was playing a touching a baby at the playground in New York City . The baby’s father told to tell the boy to stop touching the baby! She was surprised of “why can’t baby be touched ?” I told her that I was surprised too at the beginning that people here don’t touch each other’s baby. I’m from a third world country and once a new baby is out, every grown up sees it hold it. A soon to be father in the article was never held a baby? But now I know that there’s a class for that!

The moment your child is born, you go from the man who fears never attaining anything in life to the man who fears losing everything in life.

Dr. Yogman is a wonderful pediatrician! Fathers are so terribly marginalized in our society: bring on the research and action to give us all the education and support to bring families into the 21st century!

It's great to read about such vital and frequently overlooked issues being addressed. Bravo! One important point that wasn't covered in the article--and I hope it is covered in the class--is the value of teaching expectant dads how to take on the subject of postpartum contraceptive planning. Becoming the best dad possible can hinge on not having the next child too soon, yet fathers' role in addressing this is too often ignored. I especially appreciate your remarks about the importance of increasing eye contact with males during couples' doctor visits. Historically, education about family planning has been targeted to women. That's changing, but not fast enough. Many of the most effective methods of contraception are used by the female, so when males learn that, they often figure, "It's up to her." For 15 years as a sexual health educator I worked effectively helping people see that even if the method is used by the female partner, males can make an enormous difference by using their voice, caring, and supporting their partner throughout the process. We need to be talking to our sons as much as our daughters, and to fathers as much as mothers. I address the importance of male involvement in more detail in the chapter titled "Those Quiet Boyfriends" in my new book "OOPS! Tales From A Sexpert" by Vivian Peters. My website is VivianPetersOops.com and I'd be happy to hear from readers.