As the Navajo prayer chant intones: "go in beauty" and say those hard truths. For they have a kind of sharp beauty too.
23
Such a loss--have strength and as the Navajo prayer/chant states, "go in beauty". It sounds like you are doing that with hard truths, which have a kind of severe beauty.
5
Beautiful piece. As a white man frustrated with those of my generation who have not moved and adapted and grown (Weinstein Trump and their following), I can only say that I and others like me must Always speak up and take a stand against racism, sexism, and trumpism to denounce the minority of white men in america.
21
A beautiful piece. Marriages like Erin and Alan's seem the best way to bring racial harmony to our country.
11
What a beautiful marriage. I am so sorry for your loss and so very moved by what you’ve shared with us. It’s inspiring!
37
oh erin.....
your break-in my heart. so sorry for your loss... keep telling us about you and Alan. after reading your words, we all cannot help but to love the two of you.
-r
22
"In Alan’s privilege he expected change; in my non-privilege, I expected struggle. For all his wokeness, he couldn’t escape his American sense of entitlement, and sometimes I watched it from the outside with a kind of bewilderment, even admiration."
First and foremost, Alan's immigration into the United States more than likely followed Aubry's. Any black person who can trace his/her entry into North America prior to emancipation is, obviously, an American. Why black Americans relinquish their right to call themselves Americans, without a modifier, is beyond understanding?
Black Americans have used the excuse that they don't feel like Americans. My question is how does it feel to be an American? Whites claim to be Americans as soon as they set foot in the United States. They make that claim on the strength of their skin color. For me, skin color does not hold enough strength on which to base nationality.
Blacks born in the United States who can trace their progenitors existence in this country to antebellum times are Americans, like whites whose progenitors arrived in this country at a similar time. The courts can try to deny objective reality but that denial does not supersede objective reality. In the United States, one is a citizen just on the strength of being born in its territory.
Black people who meet the criterion set by the constitution should claim their Americanness; i.e., not "black" or "African" Americans. Unmodified Americans. Simply Americans.
12
This column was moving to read. The kind of dialogue Erin & Alan had is what we need more of, and now we have less of it because of his loss. But what beautiful strength of mind and character both these folks obviously had, in Erin's case, still has. I'm glad she's out there.
17
My heart breaks for you and for our country. Your husband sounds like an amazing man. I am so sorry for your loss. I truly thought we were beyond all this hate and fear of "others". I thought by race not mattering to me, I was progressive and fair. I thought I was aware and had empathy for those who faced challenges that I will never bear because of my white privilege. I've been outraged by every unfair treatment of a black man that I've seen in the news, while the silent infractions slipped by beneath my notice. I'm learning every day, trying to understand better. I thank you and others for helping me understand, for drawing our focus, for illuminating what is still wrong in our country. I hope we can do better. I hope that Trump and his divisive policies are a major wake-up call that we need to do better. I was angry and fearful through the campaign, just seeing his rallies on the news, hearing what he said and then the shocking reactions by his adoring supporters. My friends and family said not to worry, he would never be elected, that I was being hysterical, but they were complacent, they weren't seeing what I was seeing unfold nightly on the news. In all my years, whether the candidate I voted for won or lost, I have never felt as defeated as I did Election night. I openly cried for our country and what I knew was to come. I only hope we find a way to learn from this and become what I thought we were.
21
Man, to read this is to share heartbreak. You had a good old man! I wish I were that good for the woman to whom I am married.
13
Thank you for this beautifully written essay that shares your relationship with a loving and supportive life partner now tragically gone.
The honesty of your relationship is to be envied and admired. You were very lucky to have experienced that kind of partnership that makes both stronger and shares both worlds.
Alan may have seen the future before he passed. That would not surprise me given his heart. And given the historic alliances between black and white to fight injustice and push for equality I like to think his spirit surrounds you as you continue your journey.
He would be proud of you as he always was and part of him lives within you as you go forward.
13
Beautifully written. So very sorry for your loss ... and losses. I lost my husband 5 years ago. He, too, was a thoughtful, caring and passionate individual. Stay strong, knowing many of us share your resistance. You owe Alan that. Again, my most sincere condolences.
12
When you mentioned that your husband read Naomi Wolf, the late Chalmers Johnson and Chris Hedges, I thought what an amazing person to have as a High School Teacher, as a friend or as a spouse. I have read and continue to read and value the works of these authors.
Your writing sounds as if there is the spirit of a teacher in you, beyond the journalist in you. Maybe teaching in some capacity is in your future.
As a descendant of Southern White Slaveowners who has been trying to deal honestly with issues of our nation's ugly racial history, I am as dismayed as you and many commenters over the age of Trump and all that comes with it. I really think the unspoken truth is that much of Trump's support was a racial backlash against President Obama. I really hoped we were better than this and were somewhat beyond all of this.
It sounds as if you married well, but it was sadly gone too soon. I hope that you have found or find love again if that is your wish and the time is right.
19
Dear Ms. Kaplan,
I am white and my husband is Mexican. The day Donald Trump became president my half-Mexican daughters cried, worried for their and their children's futures and this country's future. Ms. Kaplan, you are not living the next adventure by yourself. Every mixed race and ethnic couple and family in the U.S. is right alongside you. God bless you and stay strong.
24
Is your husband white?
Being Mexican does not mean you are not white. There are brown, black, asian and white Mexicans.
1
I look forward to more incisive editorials on the difficulties of life under Mr. Trump. For example.
"Buttering my bread is harder in the age of Trump"
"Chewing gum and walking simultaneously in the age of Trump"
"Keeping Liberal readers in a state of constant panic with Trump articles in the age of Trump"
The more of these you publish, the faster your decline.
9
Wonderful essay. I am sorry you lost this lovely man. As the white half of an interracial couple, I have had many of the same conversations with my SO. The interesting thing about our dynamic is that he is a light-skinned man, often trapped in conversations with non-woke idiots, and I am a quiet listening female, often trapped in conversations with same. Both of us "passing" at times, and oh so surprised/not-surprised on a daily basis. Our respective experiences with racism and sexism inform our regular discourse, and we both learn from each other's reports on the Front. I am guessing you found a similar haven in your Alan. I wish you peace, and again, my condolences.
94
What blacks in this country have really suffered is the inability to accumulate wealth. Employment opportunities are about the same today. I inherited serious money from both of my parents who grew up and accumulated that wealth at a time when blacks were legally stopped from doing the same. This left me as a white person with options the vast majority of blacks do not have even to this day. It is the accumulation of wealth that most distinguishes blacks from whites. Time value of money.
13
Except not all whites inherit money or anything else for that matter. My white parents left me with nothing but their debts, as did my husband's white immigrant parents. There is a lot more going on and a lot more variables involved.
3
Employment opportunities are not the same. Recently the New York Times published an article that showed with all things equal, that is black boys being raised in affluent neighborhoods, going to the same great schools as their white counterparts, they are far more likely to end up in poverty. Something else is at play. When black families make it to the upper middle class, it is far more likely achieved with both parents working, than in white families where this can be more easily achieved by one working parent. So no, I respectfully disagree with your comment. Obviously there are other systemic traps that prevent Blacks from obtaining wealth...equal education and employment opportunities are still myths in this education.
6
I grew up in Detroit and our house was virtually worthless when we moved out of Detroit. And it was the crimes of the residents of that neighborhood that turned the formerly modest lower-middle class neighborhood on the near east side into a war zone.
Long story short, I moved from the lowest 20% to the top 10% of income distribution. High school? Detroit Public Schools. My high school was over 55% African American. College tuition? The GI Bill after serving a tour in South Vietnam at a public university in Detroit. A lot African Americans also qualified for that during the Vietnam Era. Accumulated land wealth? A two family flat that was worth about $25k in 1987. Inheritance? My father was assaulted one day when getting of the bus coming home from work. He was about 63 year old and was left partially disabled by that. No one was arrested for the crime. I have been paying for my mother's care in an assisted living center in order to keep her out of state run nursing homes.
So your story is not my story. If you want to run your racial Mea Culpas please feel free to do so. But life outside of Whiteopia is not quite like you imagine.
7
You don't really share what the nature of those arguments . Are they the same opinion from different angles? Are they opposite opinions?
By the way, every time you use the phrase "white folks" you lose a few more white supporters. (I'm assuming you wanted them in the first place of course).
2
"he could still be a white guy with privilege .."
Can't believe that someone married to a socially aware person still subscribes to cliche trope such as this. The 'white privilege' meme hurts black folks by dis-empowering them, convincing them they are victims without agency. And it is nonsensical.
8
He died too young and I'm sorry for her loss. But, I found her article typical of the racial thinking that rose anew, not in Trump's administration, but in Obama's. Ironically, Obama acknowledges the great improvement in racial relations in the last 50 years after centuries of oppression. When he was elected, there was talk was of a "post-racial' America.
But, that's not what happened. Obama now says that it is the best time ever to be a minority in America, but while president he sometimes fanned the flames himself. He invited in Sharpton and Black Lives Matter to the WH. He reflexively took the side of minorities in controversies, rather than assess the facts of an incident. And he championed feelings of victimization, as did his wife.
Sadly, what has recently passed for civil rights is a reversal of Martin Luther King's legacy to judge people by their character and not their skin color. "Civil rights" advocates now demand that we be judge each other by by our color. Character, or facts has little to do with it, if at all. If you are white, many people, whites too, insist you are a bigot. That's pretty much what the author is saying. It's why her mourning is qualified by her husband's "whiteness." The headline says it all.
I do think Trump is a little bigoted, and I'm not a supporter, but he's no more one than Obama or the author. And he's not the problem. Judging people by color or ethnicity is. "Reverse" is not a better type of racism.
9
More whining...
6
Reading this was a welcome tonic for the nausea induced by just reading David Brooks' latest bit of semi-conscious pablum on Trump. Would that the Times provide more space for writers of Aubry Kaplan's caliber.
7
damn you Mrs. Kaplan, you made an old man cry. I cried because we're moving backwards on the most important thing holding back humans for better selves, racism. But, your chronical of Mr. Kaplan is a worthwhile account of why truth and goodness matters. You're a talented writer.
12
May his memory continue to be a blessing, May the Holy One bring you comfort. Thank you for such a heartfelt, thoughtful column.
3
Simple. Elegant. Admirable.
I can see why you would mourn being part of such a balanced two cylinder engine.
Thank you for sharing,
6
Thanks for the moving piece, a powerful tribute to your husband and your relationship. As a "woke" as I can be white man who used to be in a loving, fulfilling interracial relationship myself, I can identify with a lot that you two shared and went through. Tears in my eyes. Peace.
8
Thank you for writing this tribute to your husband. May it be one of the healing steps as you mourn and move onto the next stage of your life.
9
As someone who took Mr. Kaplan's AP US History class in the mid 1990s, I want to share that it was one of my favorite classes ever. Being exposed to Howard Zinn's work was an eye-opening experience, and it probably played some role in later earning a J.D. I haven't forgotten him.
16
I commend you for this essay and I am so sorry your husband is no longer here and I can feel how he is sorely missed, especially his voice of reason and historical facts, since reason and facts are currently divorced from today's superficial rhetoric and discourse. So many of us do not recognize or acknowledge the pillars of white privilege - and it seems as if reality is seen from a lense that does not reflect reality at all...
5
Loved this essay. Thanks for your perspectives and optimism, which I'm sure your husband appreciated more than anyone. I'm so sorry for your loss.
6
This beautiful piece brought tears to my eyes. On my first date with my husband in 2000 I said “I need to warn you. I’m a p*ssed off, militant black woman.” And my now husband of 16 years without missing a beat said to me “I’m a pinko commie jew, we have a long history of alliances.”
He is the journalist and writer. I am the community builder/organizer. Together we’ve raised his two and my one sons from our previous marriages in a vibrant and loving cross cultural home. Although always an anti-racist, my husband is still shocked and angered by the unfair racial treatment both my son and I receive even when we are presenting with extreme excellence and competence. He was diagnosed five years ago at age 60 with Lewy Body Dementia. Although he is still doing well, every day I am aware that one day maybe not that far into the future I will lose my beloved husband, partner and the person who has always loved and valued me within my black skin without demanding that I become someone or something else that makes white people more comfortable.
Sometimes you just want to comment because a story reflects a light on your own story and you see yourself partially on the page. That is rare for black women in our country. Thank you for sharing.
277
Nice.
2
Thank you.
3
Donald Trump's so called racism is a figment of the national media. Before he was president, he was all over the news, had a popular television show, had the Clintons to his wedding, etc etc etc...all the NYC high society liberal parties, etc etc...Now he's the president and he's a racist. All those white Democrats who helped Obama win numerous counties across America, they overnight became racists also because they voted for Donald Trump, swinging counties to Trump over Clinton, counties that Obama won big time, Clinton lost....why? Because all these deplorables suddenly became racists overnight? What the left, Democrats, and most of the national media, are doing, is horrible, they are pulling this country apart, and for what? To stay in power? To push an agenda? We've always had elections, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Then four years later there is another election, and you go out and try to win again. The peaceful transfer of power, it's what America is historically famous for, why destroy it now?
8
Trump was probably always a little racist, but he soon ratcheted up his comments and staked his presidential hopes on racism by denying President Obama was even born in America. He certainly said things like Obama was at Harvard Law School because of affirmative action and demanded transcripts. He stoked the "birthers" fears of a Kenyan Muslim President. Those racist statements appealed to a certain segment of the electorate who could not accept and may never accept a black man in the White house. In the end, he dispensed outright with the dog whistles: a Judge couldn't adjudicate a lawsuit against him fairly simply because he was hispanic; Mexicans are rapists, etc. And one can only assume "Making America Great Again" harkens back to an American Past where people--women yes, but minorities certainly--knew their place. This isn't a figment of the National Media's imagination. It's a plain documented fact and its obvious to most of the world. And it worked.
But in doing so, Trump has certainly caused irreparable harm to our country and divided us.
I'm hoping you're right, that we can vote this awful RACIST out of office. But he is set on destroying more than 200 years of ethical and procedural norms. He speaks of locking up opponents simply for being his opponents, he has a very strange love of Russia and he even says that those who kneel to the flag shouldn't even be in the country so I'm more than a little worried he is fan of "peaceful transfer of power."
10
I do not understand your point. Are you saying that because Trump appeared on a popular television show and had the Clintons at his (third) wedding, he cannot possibly be racist? How does this make sense?
I agree that it is not helpful to identify all Trump voters as racist, because I agree that there were many motivations driving voters.
However, Trump himself has a history of taking the low road, in examples too many to name here. His message after Charlottesville was exceptionally clear.
After Parkland, he made the famous claim that he would have walked into the school unarmed to take on the shooter. And yet, when unarmed James Shaw Jr does exactly that - takes on and disarms the Waffle House shooter, then raises over $200,000 for victims families - Trump waits weeks to call him. No tweets. No invitation to the White House until after reporters raise questions.
And yet Trump can immediately tweet about Tomi Lahren getting a drink thrown on her.
Of course, she is blond. Not black, like the Shaw and the Waffle House victims.
Can you really not see why people perceive bigotry?
11
No one is trying to destroy the peaceful transfer of power. That is a fiction, invented by the Trumpists to try to discredit anyone who dares challenge Donald or investigate him. Trumpism must be defeated at the ballot box and then it can be purged from the national psyche.
6
Thank you for sharing. I hate that you, and the world, lost such a wonderful man.
Selfishly speaking, thank goodness we still have you. Sending a mental human ((hug)).
2
Jews aren’t white. Yes the Europeans tried to rape the color out of us for the last 2,000 years, after the Roman conquest of Judea and our whole sale of our people into European slavery, but that doesn’t make us white. Jews come from Judea In Western Asia, the Middle East. We aren’t white, and the idea that we are had only been around for about 50 or 60 years. We aren’t.
2
Yeah! Don't let anyone try to cheat you out
of your rightful spot on the podium in the Victimhood Olympics. I'm Irish and we'td not white either. Or at least I keep telling everyone that.
2
Still claiming some genetic right to a religion and a culture. Go for it, I guess, but it is sad.
1
Thanks.
Alan knew he was leaving Hell on earth in the Trump era. And would be moving to a racially blind utopia that would be heavenly.
1
Such an excellent marriage and an excellent man, I am sorry for your loss.
4
I, like other readers, object to the author's moronic use of the "white privilege" generalization. I am a white person of Ashkenazi Jewish descent and grew up dirt poor. No one handed me or my family anything. I've had to use guile, intelligence, hard work and perseverance to overcome my circumstances. I view the incessant indiscriminate invocation of white privilege by the black community as "lazy" argumentation. The author's husband was right.
16
Privileged: There are degrees of white privilege and you may have been allowed less than some white people. However, do you need to worry about being followed around a store? Do you need to worry about being stopped by police? Do you need to worry about having people call the cops on you when you're going into your own home. And the list goes on.
12
We need more Alans. I commend you for this essay, your husband sounds like a good person, with a sturdy moral compass, diametrically opposed to the idiots, and greed mongers who are our supposed leaders now. What a disgusting time.
92
As a white racist myself, I deplore the unwillingness of this journal to allow people with my convictions to be published in these pages, a form of unexamined prejudice common to the liberal press.
Wouldn't you prefer to know your enemies?
3
You are not alone, Ms. Aubry Kaplan. Many people - white, black, yellow, red male, female, transgender - agree with you.
You say, "“Look, Alan, Trump is running for president,” I exclaimed. “Can you believe it?” I knew the answer: Of course he believed it. He’d been talking his entire career, and our entire marriage, about the gravitational pull of racial fear and loathing on politics, and Mr. Trump’s swiftly rising appeal was the storm that had been gathering during eight years of Barack Obama."
Yes, racism and sexism have fully shown themselves since President Obama served us. It was the beginning - not the end - of OUR fight for true democracy in OUR United States of America. The Con Don sitting in OUR white house is the ultimate shame and wake-up call for us to take action to end racism and sexism once and for all.
WE THE PEOPLE of every sex, race, profession, religion and political persuasion who have a social conscience and believe in social and economic justice for EVERY American are taking action. WE must continue to step up, speak out, march, demonstrate, call and write OUR lawmakers, file lawsuits and take every other action to stop their destruction until WE VOTE THEM OUT OF GOVERNMENT AT EVERY LEVEL.
Do not let OUR American dream of equality for all die.
3
So beautifully written! Such a powerful reminder that people are just people and that culture is really what divides us. Not race. Not religion. Not environment. Rather the culture that grows from these factors.
I wonder if we shouldn't be paying more attention to the Anthropologists and less to the Politicians.
2
I'm so sorry for your loss. You present these very personal--yet also political views brilliantly and personally. Thank you. I am a white woman who teaches at a public urban high school that has a mostly Black and immigrant student population. I have conversations about race and relationship in nearly every class as I am an English teacher, so we explore both through literature and through personal stories. We all just need to keep talking and processing don't we? That's where hope resides--in the conversation. Good luck to you and thank you again for a prescient--yet deeply personal essay.
4
I read your piece Ms. Kaplan, and I loved it. Not because I can relate. I am white man married to a white woman for almost forty years in a predominantly white part of the country. But I just happened to watch a re-run of "Guess who's coming to dinner" the other night on a cable channel.
In that 1960 era soap opera of a movie staged in San Francisco, a liberal enclave even then, the writers had to portray, not just a good looking educated black man, but an extremely good looking and extremely well educated way- above-the-highest-norm black man to try to make a story about an inter-racial marriage remotely acceptable to an American audience.
What would it take today I wonder? I am sorry that I don't have an answer, but I suspect that if I had one, it wouldn't be good.
1
Lovely, thank you for this. You've shown what a conversation about race can be within a relationship of love and respect.
3
I loved Ernestine with my whole being and we married in 1970 and had 37 short years together. I was always aware I was othe white half of an interracial couple but not because she made me...but because the white world did. Living in New York as part of a creative community) we were somewhat protected from daily abuse. But frequently, when I was alone, everyday white racism gripped me as a white cab driver or shop clerk or doctor or professor would make some horrible racist slur assuming that because I was white and preppy. that I would agree. And right then I would be shaken out of my easy privilege and be forced to take a stand and refute the clear hatred that was staring me in the face. I was woke before the world was awake because I had no choice. And then sadly she died and I was agonizingly alone. Not half of anything. Assumed by black people who did not know either my history or my heart that I was asleep and privileged and often by racist whites that I was one of them. I found some relief in working for the Obama campaign in 2008 but it was and still is a very hard road to travel. Blessedly I fell in love again unbelievably with another beautiful and far more intelligent than black woman than me. And I’m happy doing wonderful work in Charleston SC as a Hospice Chaplain and soon to be be ordained Episcopal Deacon. But I have had to earn my Street cred about racism every day and no one; be they black or white should have to do that.
141
A beautiful piece Ms Aubry Kaplan.
4
Mine died in Oct '15 and one of his last posts in late summer was a meme that said, Donald Trump is racist and if you are voting for him, you're a racist too. He was white, I'm white.
I grieve as this author does. Our conversation of 14 years ended too soon.
113
'Our conversation of 14 years ended too soon.'
All good marriages are conversations and they must all end. As you say it's a shame yours fell silent after fourteen years.
11
As I read your piece I thought about the basic love humanity and the concept of white privilege.. It made me consider Ivanka and Jared as the embodiment of the latter in the extreme. Well educated and well "finished", they claim to be and are thought to be religious Jews. They are nothing of the kind. Practicing Jewish dogma is not a substitute religiosity. You cannot be religious with a mean soul and a larcenous heart. You found someone loving and self-aware and appreciated him. Good for you
7
Lovely article.
2
And the day will come when we are no longer "black writers", but writers, no longer "black women" but women, when "colored" disappears from our language as a connotation because irrelevant (besides sounding offensive) to being American as colored always reminds us that the baseline of measure is "white". The question begs, if you are a black writer, does that mean that you are also a little less American? Maybe an American but only peripherally ? When that day comes, "black lives matter, Me Too, Times Up" will all loose their raison d'etre.
2
Dear Erin Aubry Kaplan,
It would have been an extraordinary experience, I am sure, to have heard you, “seen as black” and your husband, “seen as Jewish” talking about racism – as well as the American idea of “race”.
In your phrasing, you point to “the issue of race” and “the import and meaning of race” rather than racism. That leads me to wonder if you and your Jewish husband discussed with “singular honesty and clarity” racism as distinct from “race”.
As soon as I have sent this comment, I will order the Kindle version of your book. But right now, I ask you to please return with another column where you deal with Professor Dorothy Roberts’ and many others’ deep arguments that America via the USCB must declare that there is only one “race”, the human, but an infinite number of varieties of racism the form of which depends on time, place, and mixture of different kinds of individuals.
Roberts, the daughter of parents one skin color black and one skin color white, argues in her “Fatal Invention…” that America must end classification by “race” and focus on making life better for all who are the targets of racists and their virulent and harmful racism.
Only-NeverInSweden.blogspot.com
Citizen US SE
US birth certificate 1932 – Color – white
7
@ myself LL - I ordered and received EAK's book minutes after sending my comment and the book is going to be good reading.
Just want to add that none of the several 1000 asylum seekers and/or former asylum seekers now Swedish citizens who have signed their names in books I take to the Red Cross here in Linköpiing, none ever knew they belonged, for example to a "black race" or some other "race". There is a large Somali population here in Linköping and I have learned a lot from many of them and a smaller number of Eritreans and Ethiopians. They know nothing at all about the American concept of race, and Swedish sociologists teach students about ethnicity, not about "race", not least because Sweden once had a "race-maker" named Herman Lundborg who was a close confidant of Hitler or Hitler's race-maker staff and Sweden wants to put that in the past. In addition, the giant of anthropological genetics, Swedish-born Svante Pääbo, ridiculed the American system of assigning people to races in a talk I saw him give at a Nobel symposium several years ago. Sweden like every country has more than enough racism based on religion, language, cultural practices and more.
True enough, an outsider would think that the only kind of racism in America is white on black but were Erin Aubry Kaplan's husband still alive he could dispel that false view pretty quickly.
Wow!
It’s raw and captivating -your grief. And your relationship stands as an example of the kind of dialogue that blacks and whites should have. And it’s about love.
Much love as you journey on with and without him.
85
@Olivia
Such a beautifully stated post. I believe you captured the true essence of this article. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
13
Ms. Aubry Kaplan, thank you for sharing an incredibly poignant, honest and heart wrenching article. I am not moved to tears easily, but my eyes never stopped tearing up throughout your story.
I admire the plethora of qualities Mr. Kaplan embodied. His argument, “. . . but that doesn’t mean you can be a lazy thinker,” he’d shoot back. “If you don’t have a strong argument, people can take you apart.” is so true and applicable across the board. His words serve as a constant reminder to me to do my homework before yapping aimlessly in the heat of the moment, trying to make a point.
I thought you nailed a major difference in perceptions when you wrote, “In Alan’s privilege he expected change; in my non-privilege, I expected struggle.” Wow – that sentence is so powerful.
But what I found most touching and emotional was in your expression of feeling “more alone than at any other time in my life” as well as how you described your husband’s “hard-earned view, his heart, his organic and sometimes abrasive indignation that was part of who he was, not a response to a particular moment or crisis or president.” My heart just broke for you at that point. I just wanted to hug you (apologies for being so bold).
I am extremely grateful for this article. I learned so much and your words will continue to resonate in my heart and mind for a very long time. I am deeply sorry for the passing of your husband. I wish you peace.
8
Our sense of American Society has a very narrow frame of reference, constructed only recently, as the Giant European Wave of Immigration began to receed after WW2 and the USA entered its period of world dominance....A new breed of leadership was moving to the forefront, armed with a philosophy of "Good vs Evil"....no grey areas. What is difficult to accept....any attempt to wipe out racism ultimately becomes Racist....to the core.............because "racism" is inherent in human behavior, it is NOT an individual trait....it is a societal trait....."birds of feather flock together"....and thus America, like every other nation, society, tribe, on the planet...will always be racist. What makes America different front all the others.....is that we have laws and Americans respect the rule of law......and we have forged our legal code to punish those of us who would apply racism to various life factors that prevent the "pursuit of happiness"....AND we will fight vigorously to protect and enforce those laws......as Americans have demonstrated time and time again.....no other society on our planet can demonstrate an equal record........
2
Erin,
So sorry for your loss.
No question race relations in this country have been bad. They are though getting better every day.
Unfortunately for political " power " reasons racial tension is being stirred up by the the Press=Democrats=Liberals.
As long as this goes on successfully , there will be a drag-delay on much better race relations.
Minorities are hearing everyday how bad the President is from the Press+Democrats+Liberals...they are being brainwashed. The reality is in the last two years opportunities for blacks in this country have skyrocketed,,thanks to Trump.
To me, what is sickening is those power hungry Liberals and Democrats being supported by the Press would rather keep a race of Americans down for their own political advantage.
Go ahead , you and you know who you are keep telling blacks that its bad out there, shun opposing views, and it will take longer to get any better. But you people don't care, because your selfish.
Makes me sick.
1
This is a story of a fascinayting couple, and I feel for this woman's loss of her husband. They seem to have had a unique and strong bond, a living relationship. I hope that they are Believers in a risen Christ so that eternity awaits them both.
But....
Progressive Democrats block themselves from finding truth when they get lulled into thinking that Trump's reason for being elected President was about his racism or anyone else's racism.
You make yourself look childisly ignorant when you approach everyone who disagrees with you as, first and foremost, a simply awful Ra-a-a-a-a-a-a-cist.
The horde of progressives trained to hate all opposing voices do this, and it remains a reason they keep losing elections.
Honest, clear-headed Americans saw the people of the U.S., their jobs, their economy, and their futures in danger from the leadership of the country during the Obama years.
That reality had nothing to do with race, even though Obama would never have been listened to OR nominated in 2008 had he been a white guy saying the same things.
3
An incredibly informative piece to read for a white guy. Much obliged.
Black people have plenty of privileges in the USA that white people don't enjoy. This racially generalizing and hypocritical opinion piece by Ms. Kaplan being featured in the NY Times is but one example. One sentence in this piece illustrates Kaplan's blind spot. She speaks of her deceased husband's "white privilege" of thinking his views should be influential because of his whiteness (presumably), but then concludes his influence was minimal. This ineffectualness is "white privilege"? Yet here is Ms. Kaplan reaching a much wider audience than her husband probably ever did.
8
“Black people know you as Erin Aubry,” he said bluntly. “They’ll resent a name so obviously white and Jewish. It’ll get in your way.”
Her Indian wedded name did not get in the way of Ruth Prawer Jhabvala: Ruth Prawer Jhabvala, CBE (7 May 1927 – 3 April 2013) was a German-born British and American Booker prize-winning novelist, short story writer and two-time Academy Award-winning screenwriter. She is perhaps best known for her long collaboration with Merchant Ivory Productions, made up of director James Ivory and producer Ismail Merchant.
2
I love the quote "in the age of lies-as-truth, honesty feels like the only path left".
2
This could not be improved.
1
Beautiful. Touching. A candle of hope and enlightenment for these dark times.
1
Very good read! Thank you Erin Aubry Kaplan. Teacher Kaplan had this topic nailed down long ago apparently. I'm a 70 year old white man, a career police officer; I think that I've seen a significant slice of our society and the foot prints of different demographics and have heard and seen the best and the worst; and, I have witnessed all the nuances of forthright and the most veiled intentions. Teacher Kaplan saw better than I no doubt, but this current white 'back lash' goes way back in it's brooding: 'White Flight' out of urban areas of the north, 1950's and on; the 'Southern strategy' during Nixon years to take advantage of gains in civil rights, nefariously; and, more recently, the birth of the Tea Party movement.... bottom line - whites circling the wagons. Now, a merit-less scoundrel elected to the highest office in the land ( Planet ). Look at who his base is comprised of... what's next?
3
I am so sorry for your loss, Erin.
I wonder about something you don’t address here, namely what effect your husband’s Jewish heritage played in his outlook. I’m always shocked when I meet Jews who lack empathy with other minorities, both because we are still a distinct ethnic-religious group that has experienced discrimination and even genocide in living memory, and because the Torah commands us to love our neighbors.
2
I don’t believe Anglo Saxon America consider Jews as “White”. Having light skin is not a sufficient criterion of being “White.” White is a socio-politcal concept that is more relevant to people of Western European ethnicity. Jews are not Western Europeans.
2
Sorry for your loss. And also, I’m still waiting for non-racist whites to carry that message to other whites. To refuse to accept the racial status quo culture. To step up and speak up among their own people. To infect the racial illness until it becomes the status quo. But, alas it’s hard to talk someone out of their “privilege” and you’d have to want to.
At least you found the love of your life!
51
Richard--Thanks! This is a real "if you see something, say something" opportunity, even if it's to one of your friends (although I cant imagine being friendly with such a person,) or one of your family. Step up, step in, and defend your fellow citizen, as well as your own humanity. Stick your neck out. It's the right thing to do. You won't get congratulations, but you will get a better world.
6
I'm stepping out and stepping up. Racism is a white sin - and white people are responsible for ending it. In fact, we're the only ones who can.
10
I am white, of European origins. I married a Cameroonian woman. By the time the divorce from my third wife was final, my Cameroonian friend and I were in Burkina Faso, she a refugee from the possible takeover of the Malian government by AQMI, the Al Qaeda affiliate in the Tuareg desert area of the country.
When I was in Guinea before (2003-2005) my women employees always asked why I was not married to an African. I thought this embarrassing as they knew and liked my black American wife.
My current wife and I speak French and English. Much to my dislike there have not been sexual relations between us for years, but it seems as if these relations are coming back once her US citizenship issues are final and she and her son and my stepson can travel to Guinea on US passports. I have been in Conakry alone since February, working for a Guinean woman doctor and MPH who used to be my star employee.
Africans may behave according to racial coding but there is little analysis. Being black and white simply is – for me at least. I think that my wife is suffering from injuries of the past, so she refuses to confront the pain of externalizing them. But she now refers to me as “my husband” and enjoys the daily WhatsApp conversations.
We have yet to converse on her being black and me being white. For the future, when she is comfortable.
1
Beautifully written and enlightening piece. Her husband's concerns about the author taking on an obviously Jewish name was glossed over and lost in the "white" glare. I wonder if Ms. Aubry Kaplan has had any anti Jewish experiences based on her name or presumption of religion. Would she recognize it as such or would it melt into the toxic mix of racism she lives with always?
3
Too bad it never reached a level of just two individuals, without gender, nationality, culture, race, age, class, age, geography, sports affiliations, or music
5
Gender, nationality, culture, race, age, class, geography, sports affiliations and music are parts of what makes each of us an individual. We are beautiful composites of all of these things and more to become who we are. To pretend that there are humans who are not influenced by these factors, including heritage, race, religion and experience is ridiculous. The author and her husband seem to have reached true Love and Understanding of the other. They decided that they are different human beings and that these differences are just fine. Too bad that so many can only love when important factors of humanity and individuality are ignored.
1
This is honestly just beautiful writing. Nothing need be said about it except what it says. Thanks for sharing.
2
I would have thought the Professor would have been more critical in using the term “White” as a racial category. Moreover, I’m not sure Jewish were considered “white”, since Jewish people can range from very dark skinned to fair and, historically speaking, Anglo Saxon cultures have never included Jews within the “whiteRace” category. It is only CNN broaden the definition to include any type of light skin ethnic group. Having light skin is not a sufficient criterion to be considered white. Yes, a dark skinned Nigerian man could considered white if he possses the necessary cultural, historical, political characteristics with the Western European framework.
2
At this point in our accumulating scientific knowledge, we know that the human race originated on the landmass we now call Africa. So everyone on earth is African, since we all share that same mitochondrial DNA. When, oh when, are we going to cease and desist with racist modes of identifying others and pretending to cope as a black or a white person? We are all but one human race and the laws of the USA need to change to reflect this.
1
"I wasn’t excited because I thought we’d be some kind of symbol of racial resolution."
Of course not. But our children may be the resolution and not just the symbol of it. The sooner we are all tea-colored the better.
This beautiful article should become a book.
What a beautiful writer.
For America's survival we need more Alans and less Donald Trumps seriously.
2
I feel for your grief. I have not lost my wife, but I have lost two brothers recently (aged 51 and 55). With that said, I am sooooooo tired about hearing about "white privilege."
Our family of eight (two adults and six kids) grew up in a working poor town in New England. My grandmother was knocked up by an older man when she was 18. She was abandoned at 19 with a 4-month old (my dad) and lived across the street from the main gate of an asbestos shingle factory.
My dad was an alcoholic at 16, married at 21, and had five kids at age 30. We grew up a block away from where he did, catty-corner from the shingle factory, across from the funeral home.
Pop went on the wagon in '68 when #6 was born, and through the 70s was in and out of work. We attended public schools and got our clothing from factory second stores. We had no money for college, but pop was back to work in the late 70s, so we got no financial aide, either. I joined the Navy for college.
I have had a good life, but have struggled every step of the way. Every time I go up a rung on the ladder, I get pulled back because of my "privilege."
So forgive me if I have no sympathy for that term. Race certainly can be a limiting factor in life, but if you don't try to advance and assimilate, it definitely will be. The same can be said for poor white people, who are routinely referred to as "white trash," even in polite society that eschews bigotry. Privilege is what you make of it.
7
Did your husband consider adding your last name to his name? Interesting that neither of you considered that you were a female enabling male supremacist norms. Both of you only thought of the issue of race, and did not even realize your own internalized and normalized female sexual slavery that has you convinced that male supremacy feels "romantic."
1
Beautifully written and very sad love story. O mourn my late uncle a wise school teacher, and my high school history teacher who by being honest helped me survive - they have both been gone for years.
I am surprised you did not speak here except in the beginning referring to his name about his Jewishness. Most Jews are very aware that they are suspect, they are not considered quite white. Just as we women are not considered exactly trustworthy and certainly not worth the same money or acceptance level even when we try to act just like "them".
1
Your column seems to me to indicate he lives on, in you. A good marriage.
1
My sons gave me a mother's day present with a card that said, "best mom in the world". I never could have said that about my mother because the love I felt for mother belonged to my black nanny. She was the best in the world. Love, the real stuff, is the only thing that will help our honesty and openness land on fertile soil. Americans are entitled to struggle for change. That is the pursuit of happiness many understand as the right to make a lot of money. As an expat, I am guilty of expecting change and do far too little other than read the NYT to actually bring it about. I rant and rage, of course, desperately missing decency in our leadership. But, as you carry the integrity of your husband's name, I know a large part of my soul is black and struggling for justice and full of that love which would always let a lonely child crawl into bed with her at night. So my children who are white as unicorns at first glance, are indeed bi-racial after all, because it turns out that I am the best mom in the world. And, you get the best spouse in the world award for passing on this brilliant testimony. May it find fertile ground, we have a lot to learn.
2
God Bless You Erin and thank you for sharing this with all of us.
Let me get this straight.
It's somehow OK for blacks to feel that whites showing up in a "black space" can be an incursion - but not the other way around. That's not OK.
With all due respect to the deceased Alan Kaplan, there is far too little emphasis on all of the day-to-day getting-along interactions between people of all colors. It's about time the media shifted some of its coverage to all of these positives. Including all of the ways that whites allow (and often welcome) these so-called incursions into their space.
7
I am sorry for your loss of your husband. May his memory be for a blessing.
BTW I think he was right... racial fear and loathing in America has a lot to do with Trump's ascendancy.
By "white guy with privilege " does the author mean to suggest that every white guy has privilege because he is white, or is it specific to her husband because he grew up with more of something than her?
Thanks.
4
Your account of your husband’s political passions made me think of the long dinner table discussions in my parent’s home wth their many close friends, activists all in one way or another. And of how painful it is that they are all gone now and that sorrow is made unbearably bitter as everything they fought for is torn down and trampled into dust by this sadistic buffoon in the White House. I weep for our country.
2
I wish I had a friend to talk to like you and Alan.
59
Erin- Well said. Thanks for writing.
A very moving piece except for the white privileged segment concerning a Jewish man. As someone who's parents were sent to concentration camps and had nearly all their relatives murdered during the Holocaust it's hard to agree with your assessment that Jews have been privileged. Not to mention the enormous discrimination still faced by Jews throughout the world.
7
This is a truly beautiful piece. Your relationship was profound, your loss is heartrending. Thank you for sharing it. I can't help thinking that on some level your loss is a loss for all of us, a loss for America. How many black Americans can truly say they love a white American? How many white Americans can say the same of someone who is black?
I've long held that everything bad In America is a caused by slavery and racism. I, like your husband, expected Trump to win. Those who say Trump was elected in spite of his racism lie, he was elected because of it. A civil and criminal rights attorney who has worked in numerous communities, I witnessed in many predominantly white working class and suburban communities a breathtaking level of racism. As their attorney, they shared their racism with me unedited, though now, thanks to Trump, they'll share it with anybody.
I understand at times you found your husband still "entitled", though in areas I worked he would have been in real peril as many of those white people hated Jews as much as blacks. If there's one thing I disagree with your wonderful husband about it is this: "If you don’t have a strong argument...They’ll take black people apart. You’ll lose what you should win." Unfortunately, they'll take black people apart no matter how strong their arguments are. I've seen it again and again. Blacks have been making winning arguments for centuries, yet still losing. If enough racists say you lose, you lose. Just ask Trump.
4
This is a wonderful piece. Thank you for writing it. My sincerest condolences on the loss of your husband.
You and your late husband had honest discussions about racial matters through the lens of your love for each other and your shared intimacy.
Hopefully you can always cherish that fact, especially at a time when “lost white Christians” now feel empowered to express their racism unabashedly.
May you find peace in the all too short time you had together and his obvious love and commitment to you.
Please share the white privilege you're talking about. Did it give your husband a 5% advantage? 10%? Maybe it was in 1980, but I'm not so sure in 2018.
The last time I looked at police shooting stats by The Washington Post, there were 30 white people shot unarmed vs. 20 black people shot unarmed (6 white women vs. 1 black woman). That's out of nearly 1000 total, half of which are white. The % of blacks shot, armed or unarmed, are FAR lower than their percentage of violent crime arrests would predict.
I'm sorry for your loss, but it's the identity politics that you both indulged that are bolstering the identity politics on the far right.
5
black history is american history. the extent to which black history is hidden is the extent of american racism.
90
This eloquent essay encompasses every aspect of an informed, loving, dynamic partnership between two strong individuals of very different backgrounds. There is romance and redress, intellectual theory and grounded experience, expansive respect, advocacy and dedication to each other's right to be who they are, yet share in a marriage.
This piece Should be taught in High school and college classrooms, whether Civics, Sociology, English/language arts, Life Skills-- young people are hungry for higher ideals and positive role models.
Thank you, Erin Aubry Kaplan for opening your life with Alan to us. I am very glad you were able to have the beautiful partnership you did with him. It feels very rare.
7
Insightful and honest. What a loss - yet what a vibrant marriage this was! Few of us - in ruth - really have a partner where we can be completely free to discuss anything. For those who think that the issue of race is somehow overplayed, and that not-seeing is preferable to brining attention to bear on our issues, pleas - it won;t disappear. She brings also the understanding that "whites" can be seen as interlopers when they are involved in "black" groups.
And this is a time when politics have been resurrecting the worst of our past, a time when the loss of someone astute, caring and with whom we shared everything - can definitely affect resilience and add to sorrow.
3
Beautifully stated, Erin Aubry Kaplan! The year I was born FDR became President and remained so until I was 12 years old. The year I was 75 Barack Obama became President - the best one since FDR. I was so proud and tearfully happy that "we" had arrived at that place. And now this presidency. Great sadness and great anger at what we have allowed - the tearing down of so many good things because the President was black.
6
Powerful and necessary message....I especially like "privilege who thought his views should wield more influence than they did".
4
My condolences on the loss of your husband. This is a beautiful piece. I'm the white half of an interracial couple; my husband died over 30 years ago. I still have conversations with my husband, talking about things happening in my world. I sobbed the night Barack Obama became president and said "look Bob, look how far we've come. Our boys have grown up to see this happen." I know he is proud and I know he would be outraged at the things that are happening in our country today. I miss having his different take on what it means to be a minority in this country, to have that voice that came from the streets of Harlem raised by a single parent. I envy your time with your husband as I've spent more time without mine than the number of years we were married. Maybe that's how we should heal our country, that we all need to have a serious, lengthy conversation to present how we feel. I like to think that my marriage helped to start a conversation in my little corner of the world with my family. I hope your memories of conversations with your husband will help you through your dark times.
11
Thank you for writing this. And I am so sorry for your loss, but so glad you had each other for as long as you did. The whole time I was reading I was wishing I could meet you to continue the conversation.
12
Thank you! Other words fail me at your loss and your courage.
10
The author wrote: “He was sometimes dismayed that I was pegged as a black writer when what I wrote should have resonated equally with readers of all races. He hated that.” But the whole article is based on race being an important distinction between human beings. I found the whole premise false, and the link to Trump forced. (Full disclosure: I’m Chinese American and I have never felt the racial anguish. In fact, I found America a very welcome country.)
12
You simply don’t understand racism in America. You have never felt it, much less had to spend a lifetime dealing with it. I hope that you spend some time getting to know some writers who deal with the subject and have an open mind instead of dismissing something you have little experience with.
1
Sympathy to the author for her loss, and appreciation to C Y for an insightful observation. The article is focused on race so no wonder readers associate the author with race issues. I am Irish-American (therefore Caucasian) but never get invited to the "white privilege" meetings. Generally speaking there has never been a better time for black Americans. The Catholic president was shot before completing his 3rd year on office. The black president completed 2 full term and left with good ratings. If occasional bad things happen to a few blacks we now know about it sooner and it gets addressed. Blacks are achieving greater success in more and more areas both public and private. If you want a niche, that's fine. Sports reporters write about sports. Race reporters write about race. And others write all sorts of things.
2
My entire life has been bound by race in this country. My placement in the foster care system in 1962 was due to my white parents not wanting anyone to know that they had black blood in the family so they turned their 7-month old child over to the state to hide the “stain” once my melanin came in. From the all white community that gathered to insist that I not be allowed in the public school at age 4, to the high school guidance counselor who told me that I should never go to college because I was worthless—even though I had a 1568 on my SATs in 1980.
You are fortunate that you always felt welcome. We have two very different experiences of life within our skins in this country. Every word of her story rang true to me. I’m a black woman married to a Jewish man. It describes very much the dynamic of my marriage. It is the utmost of arrogance to take someone’s deeply personal narrative and decide that it “rings false” because YOU didn’t experience or live in her skin. You are denying her lived experience as though if you didn’t experience it, it just can’t be real or didn’t happen.
On election night my beautiful blond/blue-eyed 26 year old son burst into my bedroom with a bottle of bourbon in his hands. He slid down the wall and began to weep. All he could say was “I’m so sorry stepmommy. I’m so sorry.” I can’t imagine what I would have done if I didn’t have my family with me that day and every day since as I despair the resurgent popularity of public white supremacy.
1
First, my sympathy regarding your great loss. Second, I am certain that you and your husband were/are a great couple. In this sad state of affairs where our president is not only a racist, but a grossly incompetent, I miss our last president. President Obama was of course not perfect, but compared to Trump, President Obama was/is a giant in character, intelligence and policies.
11
Thank you for your beautifully written story. Am sorry for your loss. I can relate. Am European white; my husband is from India. We married in mid 70s. I was so naive back then to think that everyone would embrace us. But through the years I realized that there were racists on both sides of the aisle. Some of the racism is subtle while some is pretty crude and blunt. The worse part is when you find out your own family is racist. But alas, you just learn to live with it and seek out those who are open minded and loving.
I disagree with the person who wrote that you make a case against biracial marriage. Clearly, this person doesn’t understand what love is.
15
Fantastic Article! I thought that when Obama was elected that the civil war was past halftime. I was completely wrong as the USA is more racists today. We allowed a racist to be elected President. The voters will either correct this or the USA will go down the racist path as a country. I like the idea of just human race. Our biggest problem today is a Congress that will not stand up for democracy. Congress is afraid of trump and their silence puts them in agreement with trump. I am concerned for my grandchildren as more than likely they will not have the opportunities that have been available.
3
Your late husband sounds like a very special person. You can be sure that he impacted many lives and minds over the course of his life. I’m sorry for all of us that he’s gone.
8
Death is always sad and unfair. But it is even more sad when people who look at the world with equality and empathy die early. Especially in this day of Trump one feels like one needs all the balancing forces one can stack up. Your marriage sounds like it was more than just a marriage it was a synergy of souls trying to right historical wrongs. I hope in some small way it was cathartic for you to write this article.
It is scary to see how right wing politics and racism is finding a strong following across the globe. Sometimes the wrong spark is all it takes for a devastating forest fire. So is ours due to a calculated confluence of bigotry-tinged-conservative-leanings and mega-wealth that has now put Trump at the helm of setting the priorities for the nation? This power circle that is dictating the Presidential moves is succeeding in finding ways to push through its true agenda, of ethnic cleansing and deepening its coffers.
Today we have....High school shootings galore. Kids creating change while we adults are paralyzed. Collusion and interference in the most respected democracy in the world. Racial tensions and deep distrust.
For a country where most have immigrants only 2-3 generations deep in their family tree, how is it that we have such little empathy for immigrants? The confidence of free speech. Agreeing to disagree. Decency. Truth. The tenets of a strong democracy. That’s what America has always been the global beacon for. How do we find our way back to that?
1
Ms. Aubry Kaplan - in the interests of honesty and "not holding back" which are qualities you obviously hold in high esteem, I'm going to urge you to stop seeing white people as a monolith of privilege. Instead, view many of them, especially poor, struggling, and working class ones, as victims - albeit to a lesser extent - of the same individuals and dynamics that have devastated African and African-American communities. Once you recognize that your common enemy is economic elites and unbridled capitalism, you will be in position to unite in support of true justice.
8
Give it a rest Sam Rose. Anyone with white skin knows that, all else being equal—same income, same economic background, etc—a person of color will not experience the same privileges as a white person. You and I don't have to worry about being pegged as criminals unless we actually commit a crime. Chris Rock, however, gets stopped for driving while black in his own neighborhood. Oprah gets told that she probably can't afford the handbags in a high end shop. Neil Degrasse Tyson in a suit and tie gets stopped by security when the alarm goes off at a store while whoever stole the item walks right out. You honestly believe this writer doesn't know her own experience?
1
Super-wealthy Oprah publicly accused a saleswoman who showed her a cheaper handbag--a perfectly ordinary thing to do for any customer--of racism and in doing so made life difficult for a person who probably couldn't afford any of the bags in the store. Who had the privilege in that interaction?
1
i grew up in segregation, white in a rural setting. At 12 years old, I understood that being white was a privilege.
My frustration now is that I want to have an honest conversation, but fear offending. I have some Black friends, but not friends to the gut level, trusting that I want to understand my ignorance, trusting that I want to do no harm.
I know that I have prejudices that were planted in my heart in the cradle. Occasionally, I stumble over one, totally by surprise. I guess what I'm seeking will take courage and wisdom on both sides to dare to knock down our protective walls.
14
This is how I feel so often.
1
My deepest sympathy for your loss. People are people, they come in many shades and shapes, judge the individual by their action not their color.
5
Erin, thank you for processing your profound sense of loss --as well as your profound sense of what you have gained through the adventure of your relationship-- into such an honest and clear-eyed account of what holding on to intelligence and humanity in these bizarre times can look like.
You, and the students I'm sure were almost equally blessed by coming in contact with a special teacher like your late husband, will sow the seeds of future clarity.
Good karma.
Un abrazo.
2
Death is always sad and unfair. But it is even more sad when people who look at the world with equality and empathy die early. Especially in this day of Trump one feels like one needs all the balancing forces one can stack up. Your marriage sounds like it was more than just a marriage it was a synergy of souls trying to right historical wrongs. I hope in some small way it was cathartic for you to write this article.
It is scary to see how right wing politics and racism is finding a strong following across the globe. Sometimes the wrong spark is all it takes for a devastating forest fire. So is ours due to a calculated confluence of bigotry-tinged-conservative-leanings and mega-wealth that has now put Trump at the helm of setting the priorities for the nation? This power circle that is dictating the Presidential moves is succeeding in finding ways to push through its true agenda, of ethnic cleansing and deepening its coffers.
Today we have....High school shootings galore. Kids creating change while we adults are paralyzed. Collusion and interference in the most respected democracy in the world. Racial tensions and deep distrust.
For a country where most have immigrants only 2-3 generations deep in their family tree, how is it that we have such little empathy for immigrants? The confidence of free speech. Agreeing to disagree. Decency. Truth. The tenets of a strong democracy. That’s what America has always been the global beacon for. How do we find our way back to that?
just a note to say thank you for writing this, and im sorry for your loss.
4
This is a very emotional piece.
We are torn between joy for a couple with racial differences who were able to overcome so much because of their love and respect for each other, and sadness for the world where there still Is such strife because of racial differences.
I don’t think people who wish skin color should not continue to make a brutal difference should be necessarily thoroughly condemned or criticized. They probably are naive, but if we stop even wishing for equality, we have little to grab unto.
Martin Luther King Jr. was a wisher, too. So is John Lewis. The Freedom Riders were wishers, both black and white. We have many wishers who do work to make a difference - because they are a wisher at heart and in their soul.
So many barriers that are inhumane are still with us. Read the NY Times article about Lowndes County in Alabama. They can’t even get proper sewage disposal. They live in the county of the Selma to Montgomery march of 1965. Yet here it is 2018 and they cannot be provided with proper sewage disposal because they’re poor? And yes, Black?
What kind of human would I be if I didn’t wish that was not happening? And all the other racial inequalities? It sickens me.
I guess a question would be - what can we all do in reality in 2018 that would make sense? We can vote, we can be helpers, we can teach and hopefully direct our kids, we can show kindness, but there’s got to be more. What?
2
White Jewish, white Jewish.
I hope the other white Jews reading this will recall that it's only been about 30 years since we were promoted to white, in this country, and that the promotion is provisional. It can and no doubt at some point will go away. We were recruited around the time of the Willie Horton ads, around the time the demographics really started to shift, and the people who had been quite certain that we were not white at all felt need of reinforcements. Then we were promoted, and so were Italians and Greeks and other Southern European types.
I remember distinctly my surprise at the news of my promotion. For 30 years I've enjoyed most of the privileges of whiteness. (Not all. We still don't get them all, and we never will. Close enough, though.) But that's some very expensive privilege, once you recall to yourself just how it was we came to have it.
13
I found this very insightful. Thank you.
1
The author notes that: "White people showing up in a black space, including the intimate space of a relationship, is seen by many black folks as an incursion."
Since when is the intimate space of a relationship black? Or white? It used to be the conventional progressive view that in relationships the vast number of things that unify humans make the tiny number of things that divide along (socially manufactured) racial lines look trivial. But now the progressive view seems to be that we should play up every difference, assume that whites come up short in the comparisons, and treat all of the differences as moral and political trump cards. It may be satisfying and perhaps for some temporary period politically necessary, but in the long run it's not good for truth, justice, or social peace. And the casual use of white as a mild pejorative or as a synonym for only encourages support for Trump.
10
I think the racial element is the secondary issue here. What is apparent is that Trump has intruded into the life experiences of all fair minded, rational people: something as personal, and devastating as the loss of a spouse--I'm widowed, too--is colored by this tyrant. This goes beyond social justice, and politics. We all feel unsafe.
1
This was a beautifully written piece. Above all, I believe out of all the articles on race, you’ve managed to articulate the nuances of race & the way it does effect everything—love, relationships, work, etc.—in a way other authors, both black & white, have not.
As supportive & loving a marriage like yours is beautiful, and my apologies for sounding trite, but much as you didn’t go in to it seeing yourselves as the poster couple for an interracial relationship, I can’t help but feel as though your story is what white people need to read.
I’ve never written this about another think piece. Why? Because as emotional as they may be, they’ve lacked the kind of realism & the human factor of how we can love, be with one another & work with our differences. I don’t intend to suggest others were wrong, I just wanted you to know how viscerally this particular piece hit me.
My words feel small compared to what I feel, but I am sincerely sorry about the death of your husband—especially given the world right now. How I wish you still had your person who, in many ways, likely could have made this just a little better simply by being physically by your side.
With gratitude. This is one that will stick with me.
4
I am sorry for your loss Erin. Beautiful piece. Thank you.
2
Thank you - your relationship and your ability to have objective and subjective discussions about race are exactly what this country needs more of right now. I am sorry for your loss and hope you are able to find friends and colleagues to continue these important conversations with, though they can never replace what you have lost with your wise and honest husband.
6
I feel for Ms. Aubry Kaplan’s loss. Her husband appears to have been a decent man in his own right as well as providing meaningful support of Aubry Kaplan’s passions; in fact, meaningful enough that he disagreed with her if he thought it would strengthen her positions. I thought this was a wonderful, well written, and compelling piece until gratuitous invocation of Trump.
While the person occupying the highest seat in the land should be of interest to everyone, Trump’s name appears incongruous in this situation and I am surprised at Aubry Kaplan’s inclusion of the ‘T” word, I prefer to think that it is not because it is now de rigueur if one wants to be published in the NYT.
1
This may sound too simple, but I strongly believe it is true and should be considered a matter of common sense. People have got to stop labeling themselves as one race or another. There is only one race, the human race. Whenever I have to complete a form and the question of race is included (optional of course!), I write "human race".
I once received a call asking if I was willing to complete a phone survey from a state university in Florida. The questions were mainly about climate change and the environment. Identifying my race was included; again, optional. I told the young person asking the questions that I would be more than willing and in fact happy to supply that information. Silence greeted my answer. "Madame, that isn't an option!" I asked if there was a box for "other"? We had a lively discussion about my answer and he agreed he would list it on the survey.
My point is, we have to stop identifying ourselves as members of different groups based on color or our place of birth. It may take time, but I believe it will eventually be assumed we are all part of the same species. Please try it and report back on how our little "experiment" is being received.
11
With all due respect, that canard about there only being "one race, the human race" is ridiculous and delusional. Tell that to a black man who's stopped and frisked or pulled over for DWB (Driving While Black). Tell it to a black woman who's followed around by department store security because of her race. Tell it to a brown-skinned immigrant who may be a third-generation American but is asked to provide proof of citizenship. We have a president who reached the White House using racism and fear of non-white people as his major campaign tactic. Johnnie Cochrane said it best: "Everything is about race. The sooner we stop dancing around that issue, the better off we'll all be."
3
We cannot stop identifying ourselves as members of this race or that until whites stop discriminating on the basis of race!
The concerns over identity arise from at least two major sources — a sense of self and history — and a reaction to mistreatment and oppression by others.
When voter suppression and police brutality are race-based, we need to call that out. When whites profit from White Privilege, we need to decry that.
When other disparage our heritage, we need to proudly assert it, not pretend that we are equal or members solely of the human race!
After a year + trying to understand the hatred being spewed in the country regarding "race" I've decided the same thing.
Erin I'm sorry for your loss. You are a good writer. The Obama years set up Trump as you mentioned but not for the reason you mentioned in my opinion. Most people don't think about race. It's a small universe that actually do. What the Obama years did was shove it into people's faces. It turned them off. Terms that you have used like "white privilege" are offensive in that there are many in that race who don't do well. The term takes away from people who have gotten up every day, and gone to work for long hours to make a better life for their families and communities. It is like labeling all people of color by some negative label. It shouldn't be done but here we are using it to stereotype a group of people. It's horrible and will turn more of them off.
And finally, you don't address the high black employment figures we see reported these days. That should give the black community optimism and encouragement that race is front and center in the current administration but for good reasons not negative ones.
11
"What the Obama years did was shove it into people's faces. It turned them off."
So, it's OK that blacks exist, but this "being president" thing is just a bit much.
Actually, what we got shoved in our faces for 8 years was nonstop opposition to everything Obama attempted to do, even as his efforts succeeded in lifting us slowly out of the economic mess that 30 years of Republican policies & actions had caused.
"That should give the black community optimism and encouragement that race is front and center in the current administration "
So the upward trajectory for 7 straight years prior to Trump, which by all reason should be expected to carry over for some time, doesn't point more strongly to the previous administration's efforts (just as the serious recession of 2008 did)?
How many times did I have to read that Obama, mild mannered and cool beyond all understanding, was the most divisive ever?! Of course, there was much truth in that claim; his opponents made sure of it.
9
I question the comments from J from Va. How did the Obama administration shove race in peoples' faces?
What a biased and inelegant thing to say. Better employment rates are not a consequence of the current administration and improvements should be a reason for optimism for all Americans. Perhaps J does have a white privileged mentality.
2
What a beautiful instructive piece. I'm sorry for your loss, Alan sounds to me like a man that valued principal over all else. This is what is missing in our lives, politics, religions,businesses,institutions,and reasoning in all matters racial and otherwise.
There is growth, understanding and hope in those that value principal over all else.
I'm sorry to say that so many of us have lost our mind in thinking that we can fashion our religious, moral and ethical standards without placing the principles of love,truth and justice as the infallible guidelines of a fair and equitable society and or individual.
7
A well-expressed piece that, among other things, shows the importance of two people who are different in many ways, coming and staying together.
4
Thank you for such a thoughtful and timely sharing of your experience. We need to magnify every voice in the country speaking up for a deep and thoughtful discussion of the clearly unresolved and massively unfair policies of racial injustice in the US.
i am not the first person to say that we need to teach our children, in an age appropriate way, about the crimes based on race and ethnicity in the formation of this nation. If not, we may never move past the replay of the Civil War that seems to form the consciousness of so many white Americans. When, even in a terribly flawed election, someone with the racist views of Donald Trump can become president, it is crystal clear that we need many more educators with Mr. Kaplan's level of insight in order to even begin the process of moving towards a just society.
9
"Mr. Trump’s swiftly rising appeal was the storm that had been gathering during eight years of Barack Obama."
Yes, I fear so. That is what those who awarded the Nobel Prize to Obama failed to understand. His win was not the arrival of racial understanding, an earlier than expected arrival. For many it was a match to set off what might follow. It did not turn out well.
It did not have to be that way. The Nobel Committee could have been more nearly right. As it is, their hope is a signpost of the failure of our politics.
I also want to make note of her "it felt romantic" as her reason for her name change. Good for her. There is a place for the joy of emotion, and for knowing your own emotions. It is not the right answer for everyone, but she found an answer with joy for her. There is a lesson there too. Find your own joy, by acknowledging your own feelings.
29
I agree with you, I also like the romantic touch of her taking his name. In my own biracial marriage, 32 years and counting, both my wife and preferred she keep her entire name, intact, because she is a strong and independent woman in addition to being the center of my life as I am the center of hers.
It's occasionally amusing when people call me by her last (asian) name, assuming that we both have the same surname. It took me a few years to realize that one benefit of my white privilege is that I can afford to be amused by something like that.
3
Thank you Erin. No one could possibly feel the loss of Alan as you do. Still, it is a wrenching loss for all of us.
Racial reconciliation mandates an almost impossibly tricky path though vastly disparate experiences to an eventual satisfying conclusion. It requires, at the minimum, an extraordinary and universal effort of understanding and empathy.
Still, you and Alan have helped the rest of us learn that there is indeed hope to get there one day. Again, thank you.
18
A nicely written piece. I especially liked what I felt was a key encapsulation of the differences between people in any unequal power situation, especially our racial one:
"In Alan’s privilege he expected change; in my non-privilege, I expected struggle."
And there it is, the basis of the chasm that separates (even well meaning) individuals in the racial relations of our society. It all comes down to perception and expectations when expressing power doesn't it?
So it goes.
John~
American Net'Zen
31
"In Alan’s privilege he expected change; in my non-privilege, I expected struggle."
Yes. Thanks to a pervasive evil in the minds of people in American society to undermine and thwart a positive sense of self.
People like you and Alan rise above that pressure and prevail with your humanity intact.
Having reached the beginning of the end of my life, I bemoan the descent of my nation. Seeing it now from afar, hope abandoned, I grieve for US.
Youth's power has always been the instrument of its elders. The New Idealists who may, but probably won't, vote for the first time in 2018, will rave and rant as my generation did, and then it will be all over.
We have collectively betrayed ourselves, with no redemption in sight.
38
As soon as we are born we begin to “reach the beginning of the end of our lives”. Be honest. Do good work and love extravagantly. It is all any of us can do whether our life be one breath or many thousands.
19
I am so very sorry for your loss; and I applaud your courage. I almost didn't read your piece, fearing another apologia for the misunderstood White Man.
I too am a Black woman married to a White man. And I too changed my last name; a change that surprised my family and friends. I have always been such an independent firebrand.
Every word resonated with me, including your 15 year marriage. We celebrate our 15th anniversary at the end of this month, May 31. My husband's health crisis came sooner in our marriage - open heart surgery and a triple bypass five years into the marriage. He, and our marriage, survived.
Your frank and honest appraisal of America's "race problem" was refreshing and elucidating.
I will never feel as alone in my experience as I have in the past. Not alone because of my mixed marriage, but because of the experience of being married to a White man who fully understands the Why of my reactions as a Black woman, as I fully understand his. Most mixed marriages I am familiar with result in one of the partners affecting a camoflauge of the other race, opting to be more White or more Black, but not two persons retaining their unique identities.
I understand your joy, and frustration, in your discussions with your husband. The freedom of always being able to honestly discuss thoughts and opinions, experiences and reactions, from each respective vantage point. Truly rare and special.
105
Thoughtful, clear, and very touching -- so much to learn from.
The writer is now teaching her husband's students -- all of America right now -- some very important lessons.
Perhaps the US-UK royal wedding will be seen one day to play a part in that as well -- with 2 billion watching world-wide.
May you find comfort in family and friends during your bereavement and find reason to hope for a better future.
26
Great writing and the subject touched my heart. The loss of a great teacher is truly a tragedy. RIP Alan Kaplan.
19
Thank you for sharing this.
Teachers are so important to society.
15
What I really appreciate about this sharing is how much it draws me into the heart of a relationship where differences can be looked at and dropped. This is the sea change we need to make as a people and a nation: we need to see that we're all in this life together and we have more that connects us than separates us. Truly our common humanity is what matters.
19
What a pleasure to read this! Both clear thinking and a loving engagement with the American dilemma are in every paragraph. I agree that race has “a vastly underestimated impact on the national psyche.”
The author writes that, in her marriage, around issues of race, “Sparks flew because the stakes were high on both sides personally and professionally.” If only we as Americans were as lovingly engaged with the issues of race! If only we as Americans recognized that the stakes are “high on both sides personally and professionally!” This article is pure poetry.
36
@ Ruth Appleby - Santa Cruz - You follow what seems to have either become or has always been an American custom I only became aware of after moving to Sweden 22 years ago and then reading 100s of articles and 1000s of comments in what the Times calls Race/Related field.
Race is used as some kind of synonym for racism even though they are in no way synonyms.
You write using her phrase "race has a vastly underestimated impact on the national psyche"
I suggest just once today that it is racism that has an underestimated impact. Donald Trump's racism has a gigantic impact on the national psyche but his so called "race" has no impact.
If I were an editor reviewing Erin Aubry Kaplan's manuscript for international publication, I would have asked if she does not mean racism. In a country like Sweden, where two major founders of the concept of "race" had a giant impact, no well informed author would assign people to races and on that we are led by Svante Pääbo, a giant in anthropological genome research.
If Americans were truly engaged with issues arising from the USCB's use of race, we would be having a serious discussion on ending that system as proposed by former USCB Director Kenneth Prewitt - coming from one angle - and by Professor Dorothy Roberts , coming from another, daughter of parents with different skin colors who taught her from the beginning, there is only one race, the human.
I
As a white Jewish male coming from relative privilege, who is in an ever more serious relationship with a black woman who has come from a background of relative hardship, I cannot tell you how much this article resonates with me. While I have always been a politically progressive individual, and I have prided myself on my ability to attempt to view the world with a broader perspective than my own interests and experiences, there is no question that being directly involved with someone who comes from such a different life experience gives me a more tangible ability to relate to it and internalize it than I otherwise could. I do feel that we are each embracing the bridge to one-another's culture that we provide each other with, and I certainly have a richer degree of empathy toward that culture than I would otherwise and I am sure we are each growing as citizens of the world during this process.
I thank Ms Aubry Kaplan for her insight into living a shared experience that my significant other and I are embarking upon but are nowhere near as far along the path as she and her late husband have traveled. It provides me with a reinforcement and an existence proof that navigating this journey together can be as rewarding as I hope it to be.
49
Doug, I don’t believe you’re “White.” Though you may have fair skin, this is Not a sufficient condition of identifying yourself as White. Remember, Anglo Saxon America never considered Jews, Irish, Italian etc, etc as White.
1
Wow! Thank you for this beautifully written article. I am so grateful to you for sharing with your readers the beautiful journey taken together with your husband. I’m even more grateful that you’re a professor.
24
Whatever else your husband was right about, he was right to fall in love with you. God bless you in the adventure of the rest of your life. I suspect that you will do well. I hope we all do.
37
A very poignant piece. I have never commented online before, but you moved me. I am a white male historian in Alaska who is saddened by the state of racial affairs in America today. You and the legacy of your husband give me hope and courage. Thank you for sharing your story.
69
This is beautiful. Thank you.
26
Thank you for sharing the story story of your marriage and how your husband’s vision, passion, and love gave you hope and connection. I’m saddened by your loss, but also moved and inspired to hear about him and his dedication to education, justice, and to you. May those of us who read your tribute, work for justice and teach the truth in his memory.
31
I'm so sorry for your loss, and thank you for this.
19
This is a lovely, thought-provoking, and poignant essay. You have my sympathy for your loss and my apologies for the commenters who are trying to counter your lived and hard-won experiences with their delicate offended sensibilities and reactionary politics.
18
Thank you so much for this. Reading it is inspirational for me to think about things in different ways. Thank you!
16
What a lovely, thoughtful letter to us, your readers.
Thank you.
26
Your article is a wonderful tribute to your husband. What I think would help carry on his legacy and the story of what inspired Alan Kaplan such a passionate about exposing the racism woven into our culture. We need more people, more teachers, to make us aware and to educate our children about overt and more subtle racism.
I know you are doing doing this important work and carrying on but you are one person. I spoke to a criminal justice educator about one of my students who was being harassed by a local police officer. The instructor told me that as long as the officer did not use the N word the officer was not guilty of racism even when the officer pulled the same young man over for some minor traffic infraction real or often invented almost every time he came to class. The officer told the student that he would make sure the student never graduated with his Associate's Degree.
Our country clearly needs an army of men like your husband.
47
Please escalate the issue with the police officer beyond the criminal justice educator. A racist police officer trying to deprive a student of his civil rights should be removed and charged. Move up the food chain until you find someone who can act responsibly.
2
So after reading your response i hope you will do the wright thing and file a report with the officers supervisor about what the cop said. It takes people reporting things like that in order to change the very racist attitudes of people. Harassment of that nature is a crime report it!!
2
I did escalate it. I made a report to several supervisors. I believe the educator was "spoken to" and send to training to increase awareness of racial bias.
I'm so sorry for your loss, but enlightened by your truth. My sincere thanks to you for writing this essay.
45
My wife and I married in 1970, we didn’t give much thought to the rarity of interracial marriages -I spent almost 40 years as the “white guy” in the room. I heard the endless stories the slights, the outright insults, stopped by cops for driving while black, followed by security in stores and on and on, and, yes, being skipped over for promotions because you might be “too black.” Our white friends looked on my wife as “strong” we both worked for a union and were fully engaged in civil rights activism.
With each insult or slight my anger bubbled over, today I remember my late wife by acting as she would, not standing at football games, calling out inappropriately or hurtful or racist comments and proudly passing the baton to my son and his children.. we’ve come a long and have a very long way to go.
349
What a poignant and lovely essay! The sadness really draws me in. Thank you. The loss of a beloved spouse is difficult under all circumstances, but your sense of loss is noteworthy for the ways in which he helped you grow. Even though he is gone, you have his voice in your heart and head to carry with you.
50
Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry for your loss.
31
This is a heartbreaking powerful article. I admire your strength and your ability to speak truth to power.
33
I cry for your loss. I smile for your strength.
59
A beautiful piece of writing. A moment reading it that caused me to admire you and feel for your loss. An insightful explanation, viewed intimately but from the third person, of the place from which a white male (such as myself) sees the world.
Particularly, pointing out that while I expect change to come from understanding, others may see it as the beginning of struggle.
Thank you for sharing this with all of us.
32
This is beautiful and really sweet! All the best to you as you work through your grief and profound sense of loss.
25
"Our different upbringings made for different outlooks. In Alan’s privilege he expected change; in my non-privilege, I expected struggle."
That was beautifully expressed.
165
Yes these words are right on target
2
bravo!
1
We hear you and take your words into our hearts to cherish. Thank you for your gift freely given.
60
It occurs to me that tyrants and would be tyrants use the tools and freedoms of democracy against itself. So why shouldn't we White people who abhor racism use our inherent White privilege against itself for good, rather than for evil and tyranny?
Those who don't see White privilege everywhere, even in the poorest regions of the country, don't understand what it is, because it's so taken for granted. It's as simple as a group of White teens come into a store aren't seem as a group of Black teens. We're not seeing young White men being shot so quickly by police as young Black men.
Just think: If the Bundy gang who took over a national park had been Black, there wouldn't have been dialogue, standoffs, etc. No, SWAT teams would have laid down suppressive fire then charged in shooting anyone in sight.
THAT is the extreme example of White privilege.
So many White people don't realize that old Joni Mitchell lyric:
"Don't it always seem to go that we don't know what we have till it's gone"
49
I think you are making the case against interracial marriage.
7
Yes,yes, I can see that the advantage of having a small mind is that there's less to nurture and develop.
19
Patrick, Please read the article again. I am afraid you missed the essence of this incredible piece of writing. It is what we all need to hear and talk about. When Trump and his followers speak of political correctness, they are looking for a way to squirm out of doing the right thing on so many levels. This writer speaks with clarity about such a complex issue and I figured someone would miss the essential message here.
34
There's a truly bizarre response. Just a guess: Mr. McCord does not approve of interrracial marriage.
18
You've made me feel you loss, too.
BTW, Jews know about white incursion into black spaces because we know about gentile incursion into Jewish spaces.
22
Unfortunately, intense anti-semitism exists among blacks, too. Are gentiles whiter than jews? I find this remark ill-chosen.
The Fake President is getting away with murder. Glaring among the reasons is the fact that there is no opposition, no pushback, no cogent, firm refutation. His values, his beliefs and actions need to be undermined. He needs to suffer the corrosion he submits us to. We need to outrage him, force him to continue his rants and irrational behavior. We must force him to self-destroy. But, Democrats in Congress have proven worthless.
So, where are the Obamas? Where are the mayors, governors, civic leaders who speak out and challenge the Fake President. Strongly contradict him and call him a racist, hateful bigot. He is in the end a small man yet no one is saying so out loud to his face.
Ms. Aubry Kaplan deserves a megaphone and our thanks. Keep writing those invitations and hope they will some day speak up.
29
Great point! I supported Obama for eight years and I have to admit his lack of resolve and outrage damaged him and the nation--especially in his second term.
Now he and Michel will produce Netflix programming while the hateful, petty Anti-Christ from Queens dismantles every initiave Obama passed.
As the Democrats have proven to be consistent cowards, he should protect his political legacy and go after Trump instead of playing Gahndi or MLK.
We desperately need SOMEONE besides Muller to protect our Nation!
1
"All it takes for evil to triumph is for" good"people to be silent" the Republican Party embraces Trump who looks back to the USA of the 1950s. People see the 2 parent family, male and female roles clearly defined as are sexual norms at least publicly. White Christian privilege was a given. Manufacturing jobs enabling a middle class lifestyle were plentiful. Many who wish a return to that world over the present stay silent.
1
Thank you very much.
More, please. Meanwhile, I'll seek out the things you've already written.
27
This is a story that so needed to be told. Thank you so much for sharing it! I am profoundly sorry for the loss of your husband, who was clearly a wonderful man of high integrity and honor who loved you deeply, of course, but who appears to have genuinely liked women. What a gift your marriage was. I wish you all the best and hope your transition to life without him has been as peaceful as possible.
34
Thank you!
5
Just wow. Thank you.
16
Please, please, please give it a rest with the white guy privilege stuff. Seriously, it's getting beyond tiresome you don't need to tear one group down to try and build another one up. Just stop. Why is it that you can't judge or generalize about anyone based on their race... except white guys?
31
You are missing the point Mike. No one is saying that all white men think alike. Rather, the point is that white men automatically enjoy privileges not available to others. Consider, for example, Dadof2's comment about a bunch of white teens vs. a bunch of black teens coming into a typical store in a typical American town . The white teens don't need to be concerned that some customers or employees will automatically feel threatened, but the black teens do. Even the most enlightened white person in this country benefits from this sort of privilege more or less all the time. BTW, I am a white male.
4
I get your point, and as soon as I can expect to be able to shop without being asked where the light bulbs are or followed around the store, I'll be sure to give a rest. That so many people agree with you is how far we have to go.
Here's a case in point for you; one of my"friends" who completely enjoys her white privilege blithely walks around stores carrying whatever bags she happens to have, with whatever they have in them. Something for me to aspire to....
2
it shouldn't hurt anyone's sensibilities by speaking truths.
1
I'm sorry for your loss, and wish you the best moving forward. Btw, I know a pair of interracial couples who could possibly provide some perspective. They seem quite happy and vote Republican. Inconceivable, I know. Severe lack of "wokeness."
4
Mrs. Abry Kaplan, I'm truly sorry for you loss. My story regarding race is quite different. I grew up as a middle class Jewish kid in Brooklyn, NY. I learned early in life to appreciate a multi-racial world. My parents were people of high character who never had a bad word to say about anyone unless they deserved it. My father was a society musician and knew and worked with other musicians, black and white, Jewish and non-Jewish. I was constantly listening to music. Never once did I hear anyone question whether a composer or performer was black, white or Asian. As a child, the first time I heard Louis Armstrong play his horn I jumped for joy. The Basie band could swing like no other. When I learned of the pitfalls the musicians of color had to endure, it truly sickened me. My professional career, allowed me to travel extensively, domestically and internationally and I saw firsthand, the depth of racial bigotry that exists. I still can’t fathom how people can develop a deep seated, racial hatred. The superiority of one race over another due to color is pure nonsense. Jesse Owens '36 Olympic performance provided a world stage for black sports talent. It's frightening that a president of the United States and Congress can turn their backs on immigrants. In my mind, the various peoples of the world provide us with a multi-faceted rainbow of races, religions and colors that make life so wonderful, so enjoyable, and so worth living.
71
Ms. Jordan, you were extraordinarily fortunate to meet and marry a person as enlightened as your husband. Your sudden loss of his company an his counsel must certainly be devastating.
However, to equate your loss of your soul mate to the loss of Hillary Clinton to Donald Trump is indicative of someone in dire need of his wise counsel.
Politics is about winning at the ballot box, the sorting of concepts and ideas about how our governance should work. As such, it is an evolutionary process with each side articulating its goals, and The People collectively choosing...electing...the path that is to be taken.
By couching the election of Donald Trump as you do you expose yourself as one who is far too committed to her own narrow and biased view to even consider the processes of compromise that achieve meaningful and sustainable "progress".
Another point that I wish to make is that if you hold yourself out as a black female journalist dealing with black and female issues, don't be at all surprised if people view you through that sort of lens.
Now, as to the substance of your discussion about 'white privilege, I would suggest that in this day and age any "privilege" that is claimed is that which others have chosen to afford the claimant. One needs only to look to Hillary Clinton to see the assumption...and granting...of privilege solely on grounds like "being a woman" and "its her turn".
Stop granting privilege where none is due is the easiest way to end it.
14
Who is Mrs. Jordan? The author's name is Erin Aubry Kaplan.
My error. My sincere apologies to Ms Kaplan.
But the distance of my remarks remains in challenged by the error.
A sort aside. Ms Kaplan should she come to speak in our little town in Southeastern New England, we would be delighted to provide her with a place to sleep and say many Mel's for as many days she wishes to stay. We do not agree, I am sure on many issues, but it is the conversations that makes friends, and I would love to have those conversations with herbwhile she stays with us under our roof.
Your husband was not white, he was Jewish. I am assuming from your piece that he was Ashkenazi, from European background. He may have been white-passing, like myself. From my experience, this does shield one from many unfair and unpleasant experiences, but not completely, especially if you choose to live an openly Jewish life. I wish you had shared what influence his ethnicity had on his inclusive worldviews. I feel that the values of my culture combined with my lived experiences of anti-Semitism have helped me glimpse the oppression of others.
39
I am African American, my wife is Jewish and white. We've been married more than thirty years (not to mention two kids) and I'm pretty sure I understand the author's thoughts, assessments and observations about her husband. I don't think any of us have the right to say he was "not white, he was Jewish" and then follow that up with an ethnicity label. You didn't know him and are in no position to label him. He saw himself as life made him see. Perhaps you should rethink labeling yourself as many of us in interracial couple relationships inevitably find it necessary to do. We see through a window most don't look through and don't have the luxury of closing our eyes.
2
Undoubtedly, Alan Kaplan had an expansive worldview that did not discriminate on the basis of ethnicity and religion. However, as we have witnessed in the sixty years since the Nakba, there are millions of people who suffer discrimination and outright persecution under the Jewish state located in what was formally known as Palestine.
1
How dare you attempt to dictate someone’s self characterization of themselves or their partner. It is simply not your right to enter into a relationship in which you have no part and describe this woman’s husband as “not being white”. In a relationship with a person if color if she describes her husband as white is us her right..,not yours to do so. Try putting your Jewish privilege on the shelf and be a little more sensitive to the surviving spouses intentions. My brother is Jewish but he is white and no reasonable person would describe him any other way. Unless your heritage is related to the clearly discernible color of your skin (which in most cases it is not) most Jews would be described as white.
3
Erin
Very well done piece. I can understand how you feel. I lost a white friend of mine a few years back. I damn sure miss his wit, his understanding of who we are collectively, and his willingness to speak truth to power.
Please never stop your craft. You are the sum of all of your family before you. Your voice is important.
Peace/Love
Salah M. Abdul-Wahid
20
Thanks Ms. Aubry Kaplan for an excellent column, and I am so sorry for your loss. Please don't hold back, keep telling the truth and fighting against the lies. I hope we see the end of this awful Trump time soon, and hope for the best for you.
9
Your husband was correct, in my opinion.
You husband was not only white. He seems to have been a secular Jew. You should consider that difference in your ideas.
He was not a "white" voice.
11
Anger, anger, anger.
It produces nothing, helps nothing, is nothingness itself.
I'm done excusing it, just as surely as I am done excusing racial hatred. This piece just isn't helpful. As learned and gentle as it appears, it's still part of the problem.
12
This is what denial looks like.
1
How long have you been excusing the anger, Joe? What are you going to do, now that you're done excusing it?
1
This id pol navel gazing is what helped bring us Trump.... I cannot fathom why these pieces are still published in the Times again and again.
Beautiful and interesting. Thank you so much.
4
As someone who has been with my wife for over 30 years, your love letter to your husband was moving and sad. However, as a white man married to a Dominican for over 30 years, I was offended. Your husband was special to you, that is clear and he should be, but he isn’t unique in America. Millions of whites feel the way you and Alan feel about race. But, I’m not surprised by the support for Trump at all. The backlash has been coming and anyone living in the biracial would have to have been blind not to know that. The subtle racism never went anywhere. TV and the movies got better, but my neighbors didn’t. Trump and Fox et al. have allowed the racists to step out of the shadows. But don’t let the bellicose mob shake your faith. My hope is our youth. Intermarriage is way up. Even a flaming liberal such as myself gets lectures on gender from my kids. I’m crossing my fingers that the next decade or three, as my generation dies off, this phase will be seen as the death rattle, the last major gasp of an ignorant breed.
21
Thank you for a beautiful, passionate, and thoughtful piece. As it is read and shared, may it inspire us to open our hearts and minds just a little more in this age of shouting, posturing, and head butting. Peace to you.
7
I'd sure like to read a book detailing those conversations about race, whenever you are ready to write it. Best regards, and thank you for a very honest column.
10
"....Mr. Trump’s swiftly rising appeal was the storm that had been gathering during eight years of Barack Obama".
Perfect.
16
As a Black reader of this very poignant and personal essay I wish the writer had left this line out: "That’s true, but that doesn’t mean you can be a lazy thinker."
A White person describing a Black person's thinking as "lazy" made me wince.
No matter how well meaning we can be in a genuine effort to cross the racial divide in love, work, and friendship, sometimes our choice of language belies that effort.
3
No, we also need to stop sanitizing our language. Be clear, lazy thinking is what has "this" persist.
If the writer understood her husbands comment as one often employed by teachers, I don’t understand why you think he was implying something else. Lazy is a perfectly good adjective.
Thank you for sharing this. What a great marriage, what a profound loss...and a really superb lesson in marital communication. Most important things are possible, if only we can trust and listen.
9
A beautiful tribute to an admirable man and I'm wishing the author all the best in healing from a loss of this magnitude.
I can't help wondering if the Kaplans ever discussed Judaism's impact on Alan. Jewish-Americans may share "white privilege" in some ways -- some doors are open, and we have come in. In other ways, we're not privileged. If being "white," means not having to worry about prejudice, no we're not "white."
And like other groups in the national mosaic, our backgrounds can influence our worldview, sometimes in ways that broaden, in other ways that decidedly narrow our vision.
13
This is such a deeply insightful personal expression of the conversation we all need to be having. So sorry that it had to come from such personal loss, but grateful for the candor and clarity you bring to the topic by sharing your life. I wish we could find a way to make “talking freely” about race, equality & civility more “an act of love” between all of us. I know that may be idealistic but I believe in the power of communication, true listening and empathy. That back and forth is critical to our shared future.
And this passage gave me the words to define a feeling I had many times, but have never been able to clearly articulate about the (white) men in my life: “For all his wokeness, he couldn’t escape his American sense of entitlement, and sometimes I watched it from the outside with a kind of bewilderment, even admiration.” I understand that sense of admiration, often I would call it envy, about that platform men have without being aware of it. This renews my own sense of commitment to keeping up the conversations with those men. I too am hopeful that the flaws can be repaired and maybe even transformed.
23
In the vast scheme of things love really is the only thing that truly matters. I am sorry for your loss.
63
I'm so sorry for your loss. Reading about your husband, and you, and the two of you together, I feel like it's a loss for all of us. Thank you for this beautiful personal reflection that illuminates a larger story.
98
Thank you for this insightful and poignant article. I wish that you, and Alan's friends and students, still had him here. I mourn all that we have lost and are losing as a country. And even though Trump and his supporters have basically just shown us the very ugly and racist underbelly that was already there, the impunity with which racial discrimination and violence (both physical and verbal) have lurched into the open is very hard to bear. Good wishes to you.
41
I struggle for clarity on racial relations every day. I wish I could have met your husband or listened in on your conversations about race. My best to you.
28
I dated an African American woman as a white man. Yes, Ive had openly hostile engagements with African American men when walking downtown in the midwest. Some asked if I found her in Las Vegas. Others said thanks for bringing their girlfriend back, or cat calls from a bus stop. Best was a black photographer pulled her aside and started taking photos for his instgram. It was unreal. White people just usually stare.
The writer is 100% correct in her observation of this African American culture oddity.
8
"while I’m determined not to hold back with white folks anymore — in the age of lies-as-truth, honesty feels like the only path left" - how undeniably true!
The real "PC" nonsense has been the centuries of holding back from speaking the simple truth. If anybody thinks that education takes place in the absence of speaking the truth - just take at the dimensions of the current mess. Speak up! Speak out! This is one area where intolerance is not only advisable - it's absolutely indispensable.
17
I thought this was such a lovely piece! I'm white, grew up in CA and teach high school US History and my boyfriend is Black and grew up in NC and I felt like I could really relate to the conversations about race that you referenced and the connection it builds. So sorry about your loss, it sounds like you had a beautiful marriage.
26
I find myself speechless.
This is Ms. Kaplan's story/witness and she tells it so clearly, so eloquently and so poignantly that to add anything of my own to it would be to take away from it.
Sometimes one is privileged to hear/read something so true that one can only respond with stillness and silence---awe, if you will. This essay is one of those "somethings."
115
I agree, this is a lovely piece.
12
Amen
2
I am sorry for your loss, but your story really touched me.
22
I am sorry for your loss. He sounds like he was a great human being.
27
“In Alan’s privilege he expected change; in my non-privilege, I expected struggle. For all his wokeness, he couldn’t escape his American sense of entitlement, and sometimes I watched it from the outside with a kind of bewilderment, even admiration.”
To belittle the insistence on change as an American demand of a more perfect union as “American sense of entitlement” is very very very sad and far more than half asleep to what has “woke” much of the world. Americans privileged to escape into wokeness don’t talk much to those who come from other wheres to America as the refuge they were chased to for being woke in their own country at the threat of their own life.
2
Warm thanks for sharing the ongoing poetry of you and Alan.
15
I'm very sorry for your loss. You two sound like a wonderful couple.
Trump is President because of race and economics (and Russians, etc.). So many Americans are struggling and desperate; including millions of white Americans.
I taught at a high school in Arkansas with @ 70% of students with free and reduced lunch (meaning, coming from poor families). They were all colors, primarily white and Hispanic. Great kids, and a great school.
I don't like the words 'white privilege' because I've known too many whites in poverty. Where's the 'privilege' in that?
We've dividing the working class instead of uniting them. Steve Bannon was right when he said, "As long as you talk about race, we have you". Sure. Poor whites don't understand 'white privilege' or 'black lives matter'; they're barely holding on to survival. Who cares about 'them'?
Poverty must be eliminated, for all races. Maybe that requires higher taxes on those with tens of millions, hundreds of millions and billions of dollars. So be it. We need to talk economics. That is the foundation of a good and decent life.
30
I think you don't understand privilege. It doesn't have to do with whether someone is rich or poor. Instead, it has to do with being given advantages solely based on skin color. For example, a white person at a shop is far less likely to be viewed by shop security as a potential shoplifter than a black person at the same shop. This is solely based on race. It has nothing to do with whether the person is rich or poor. White people get the benefit of the doubt and usually don't even realize they're getting it.
4
It's not about rich or poor. If you are white the chances of you getting killed by the police are far far far less than someone black. And that's a fact. That's white privilege. You may not like using the term and that's ok. So no -as poor white folk you may be struggling as hard as hell but your struggles are nothing compared to being lynched for just being black back in the day or sitting in a Starbucks and having the police arrest you for absolutely no reason except a white person called and said you were trespassing. So no disrespect- but take off those rose colored glasses.
1
Yes, good point. My point is economics; everyone needs enough money to have a good life. I want to focus there. I think that's been marginalized by 'race' talk. They way we treat the workers, the poor in America: criminal, immoral, shameful.
I don't want to load up a comment space with something that's insincere. I don't know you, Ms. Aubry Kaplan; I never knew your husband. But I am pleased to have read this confession by you and how you both struggled with your sameness as difference. I admire your honesty with your husband and now, with your audience.
It's a little edgy knowing that two people in love, as you both obviously were, still could not always find common ground about race. It's always going to be there, a shifting dynamic probably just out of reach. Having a loving, giving partner cannot and does not insulate one from life's casual cruelties, especially those who see one thing and think that it's everything. That's the Trump presidency; there's no nuance; no subtlety; no curiosity.
Everything with him and his administration is a stone monolith. One wonders whether that's because that's how his "base" interprets complexity--by denying it--or by mindlessly bowing to the inarticulate utterances of a man-child who has probably never had a thought in his life deeper than his own immediate need.
I thank you for sharing your love and joy and pain and hope and unquenchable honesty with us. Dealing with such a toxic ground-zero issue in this melting pot of a nation of ours, curdling now at the top, in such a personal way, may help others to find their road. There is no perfect way; the only one that will work, I think, is the way through love and forgiveness, for it takes that to accommodate another.
22
Thanks for sharing your story. My condolences on your loss.
My adopted dad is black and we too engage in these types of discussions. He's a Muslim immigrant from Morocco so his take on racism in America is seen through the lens of an outsider who never experienced racism until he came here. We both have biases and we both have blind spots but I find that I have grown thanks to our candid conversations about race and my privilege as a white woman. He often points out that white women benefited more than black people from the civil rights movement because racism trumps sexism.
We're never going to move forward from our original sin as a nation until we talk about it. Had the civil war not led to lynchings, Jim Crow, the need for a Civil rights movement, and our current lock them up mentality when it comes to policing black people we would be so much further ahead. Unfortunately the battles fought 150 years ago are still being waged today. Slavery ended but it morphed into other injustices that constantly evolve.
36
Thank you for a beautiful piece. Wishing you comfort and peace.
21
People, including the author, who cannot get beyond race do nothing to help our society. Sure, there is racism. On both sides. It's interesting how she mentions that just a having a white person interject into a conversation of black people is viewed as an unwelcome intrusion. And she apparently has not problem with that. But if the roles were reversed she'd pitch a fit.
As long as race is mentioned discussed, debated, cataloged, legislated, analyzed, quantified, etc, etc there will always be racism. There is no other way around it. Same thing about age, gender, hair color, etc, etc.
11
You just don’t get it. White people cannot understand what it is like to be black in America even though we have heard it in protest movements, rap music, Black Lives Matter, and other forums. I try to listen even when it’s hard; you think racism is not worthy of discussing because YOU are not on the receiving end of this hateful uniquely American institution.
20
I lost my husband of 20 years in January of 2015. He was blind. Thank you for articulating the bracing joy of loving someone whose perception of the world is fundamentally "other" and yet, aligned. I don't know what it's like to be blind, any more than I did the day I met him, just as the fact that I have adopted siblings who are black means I know what being black in the USA is like. But I know what love is, and you have it.
41
From another woman who suddenly lost her husband and best friend:
A POEM ON DYING
Henry Scott Holland 1847-1918
I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze
and starts for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until at length she hangs
like a speck of white cloud
just where the sea and sky
come to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!" "'Gone where?"
Gone from my sight. That is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull and spar
as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear her load of
living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.
And just at the moment when someone at my side says
"There, she is gone!"
there are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout,
"Here she comes!" And that is dying.
11
there are many kinds of white privilege. one of them is the assumption that hard work will be met with success. while not always true it is more often than not. for non whites that assumption is absent, and that absence can be very debilitating. it is very motivating to know that if you work hard you will succeed. lacking that motivation must contribute to the racial inequalities we have. a corollary of the privilege of success is that the future will always get better. we can see now that is not always the case. the white trump supporters who are experiencing futures that are not automatically better may be getting a taste of what it means to lose the success privilege.
13
Thank you for this heartfelt piece.
9
What a beautiful and remarkable marriage. Thank you for letting us see inside a truly significant element of it. It makes me think of a line from a song: "The great relief of having you to talk to." I wish you comfort and peace.
17
This is the first time I've ever responded to an op-ed like this, because this is a truly great, wonderful piece. I'm not near as talented a writer as you, so not sure of much more to say than that. Absolutely terrific, I have to read your stuff now.
30
I agree with Concerned Citizen that the tension of race has increased in 20 years and even more dramatically since the '70s. The need for honest discussion increases as the possibility for it decreases. Beyond race our country increasingly is divisive and being able to converse regarding differences more valuable, and at this time, rare. Thank you Ms. Kaplan for sharing your experiences, and deep condolences for your loss.
12
“The need for honest discussion increases as the possibility for it decreases”. Beautifully articulated. The more diverse we become the more fractious we become. Welcome to the future.
4
Thank you for sharing your poignant, heartfelt, and illuminating story. Godspeed on your travel through this difficult time.
15
This is a beautiful piece. We need more honest conversations like those you had with your husband and you are generating with this essay.
As a life-long progressive, I have become increasingly turned off by liberal self-serving righteousness--including in the pages of this very publication. I long expected such intolerance from the right wing. The inability by so-called "liberals" to brook challenges and anything resembling a dialogue in terms of race, class, gender and sexuality has made me more conservative than I ever thought I would be.
17
Ms. Kaplan,
You have my condolences on your great loss.
The "back and forth" you describe illuminates the unfolding of a wonderful marriage. The space that holds both persons in love, each one able to bring their perspective, yet open and influenced by the truth and wisdom of the other. A most helpful tale that could/should be a model for our country.
Also helpful to me as grandmother of a biracial child. I am forwarding your piece to my son and daughter-in-law.
Peace to you.
29
Brilliant piece. The personal and the widely perceptive melded together. We could all use more such reflection and less reflexive reaction. Tragedy can be inspiring. Good food for thought.
12
What Alan may have missed, not despite but perhaps BECAUSE of his social engagement, was that very few PEOPLE, forget about just Americans, are as energized by an issue as he was. Most human beings stop growing emotionally after their formal educational years. What they want is three squares and loose shoes, with as little bother as can be made manageable. If some transformative perception doesn’t embed itself when they’re young, it almost never does in a way that guides their life. As an educator, he had the opportunity to impress young minds with his example, not with his energy and sense of focused outrage, but with the real impact of racial prejudice on human beings. And he may have been one of the few who DID embed that recognition in young minds that would help form kids into the three squares, loose shoes people they would become for the rest of their lives.
I’ve always thought that a good methodology for educators to follow in this regard would be to focus on a single image that brought home with gut-wrenching illumination what a black person personally experiences in America, in all its implications on an entire life. That one holistic and emotional image, if embedded young enough, could inform and mold a generally decent person for his lifetime … before he became enamored less with issues and more with loose shoes.
My profound sympathy for the author’s loss of Alan. I would have enjoyed knowing him.
19
I read this twice. Thank you
2
We are provided with soooo many examples of a 'single image' today that the collective weight of them is far more oppressive than any single example.
Would you like to offer one that comes to your mind, Mr. Luettgen?
Trayvon Martin? Any of the many examples of an unarmed black man being summarily shot multiple times by police? trump at a rally? trump in practically any setting? Charlottetown?
Once you step out of the realm of noble abstraction by giving an example, your own distance from those who are comfortable with 'three squares and loose shoes' is less clear. Given all that you have advocated in this space, just how far above their indifference can you claim to be?
Just how might the author of the article feel about your advocacy of trump? Well...she's already told us.
3
Reading Mr Luettgen's comment, I had a sense of the detached observation of a scientist holding up a peculiar specimen (an insect, a fungi, a microscope slide) in the dying evening light and then making all kinds of strange allusions - eg.(1) most human beings (couldn't he say PEOPLE?) stop growing emotionally after school and Uni (really? Was he describing himself?) (2)transformative perception - like Saul's at Damascus?) (3)"three squares, loose shoes people"- a dismissive view of humanity akin to Scrooge's surplus population, and so on.
Did you also notice he never alludes to Erin Aubry Kaplan, the black wife of the white man except in this circular way- the author's "loss of Alan"? Did the dead white husband loom larger in his mind than the living black wife?
Finally he allows that he would have enjoyed knowing the husband of " the author." Ms Kaplan, her grief at losing her husband and the eloquence of her writing,are all peripheral to the entire odyssey which is focused on Mr Luettgen's "solution" to the impact of racial prejudice - ONE gut-wrenching, holistic and emotional image - disturbingly, this reminds one of the practice of branding cows. I suppose what he proposes could be a form of psychic branding.
In a strange way, I enjoyed reading Mr Luettgen's piece because it unwittingly revealed how insidiously white privilege is embedded within the American psyche.
My deepest condolences to Ms Kaplan. I hope and pray that she is blessed and comforted by her faith.
3
Of course the poignancy of losing a spouse is evident and for that one can only feel empathy. Having grown up as a bi-racial, first generation American whose parents could not marry in 1960 because of anti-miscegenation laws, it would have been conceivable that like the author and apparently so many people their life's journey is rooted in race and race relations. My parents largely ignored race in their daily lives and as such it played only a very peripheral part of the lives of my brothers and me. Of course, there are moments when racial differences become evident but I see so much of today's turmoil as evidence of racial self-doubt rather than evidence of racism. Take the small question that has been posed to me hundreds of times, "what are you?". 99.9% of the time, it was posed a matter of curiosity and why would I be offended? Instead, we are creating a dialogue of aggrievement where there is a constant barrage of hurt feelings, cultural appropriation and racial distinction. It does little to inform and much to incite. We would do well as a society to find more moments of humanity and look beyond the small things
27
I have also been asked that question, "what are you?" hundreds of times and I am multiracial and don't really get offended at the question and yet I can't for the life of me see how race played only a peripheral part in your life. You must have grown up in paradise because we all caught hell! I don't think i have any "racial self-doubt" and yet I've been in fist fights with white males and females several times for being the wrong color and I'm a small person. You may ignore racism, but it still comes for you and I would really ask you to think twice before you input your experiences onto a whole race of people. Being extraordinarily lucky isn't the same as providing evidence that "largely" ignoring race will guarantee it will play a peripheral role in your life.
What an incredibly moving article. Thank you for writing something so meaningful and thought provoking.
44
First of all, I can not imagine your grief since we are still happily together.
About 55 years ago we married. My new wife was not then Jewish,later she completed the conversion process. After a brief respectful period her parents agreed with our choice but I would like to point out that sometimes we joined them at their church services. They attended our children's bar and bat mitzvahs. We invited Irene Mandexter, a very feisty black integrationist professor who was a friend of ours in Tallahassee, Fla where we had gone to graduate school during the civil rights revolution and she came to our son's Bar Mitzvah. I will not claim that my relations with people of color has been perfect but we both feel strongly about supporting them. Part of my point of all of this is we married at a time when some Jewish people would have thought our choice was inappropriate. All of my family and hers accepted our choice so perhaps that made it easier. Very few couples married while they were still in college and to the best of my knowledge we are the only ones still married to each other. Actually, we had two ceremonies, the 2nd was by my wife's conversion, reform rabbi, in my parents backyard under a grape arbor. We could and did easily ignore people who knew the details of our lives and objected. I understand certainly the difference. Attending synagogue services in Tallahassee was a very strange experience. All our best to you.
5
Thank you for sharing you and your husband’s story. I’m so sorry for your loss, and hope that we can all learn from your example.
32
It's not surprising to me that the husband in this piece was Jewish. White Jewish identity is different, of course, from white non-Jewish identity. Jews are, obviously, a minority group with a long history of oppression and otherness. It doesn't feel quite right to assume that "white" covers the whole story in describing the author's husband and I'm a little surprised that she doesn't attribute some of the awareness she describes in him to his own minority culture. I'm guessing he was totally secular and it didn't come up a lot. But even so, our history informs who we are and secular American Jews have a very pronounced history standing up against injustice in this society and questioning the unspoken norms.
Lovely piece!
133
i so agree. its still odd to me that a people who suffered attempted genecide for based on race (refer to nazi propaganda here) can be so easily described as a simply "white."
19
Conversely as a Jew I have met many Jews, not in my own family but certainly in my family circle, that are just as racist as anyone else. We often are way too self congralulatory about our history with other opressed peoples. There are plenty of rich old Jews at my parents Florida golf club who voted for Trump.
51
It is true that we can be too self-congratulatory regarding our history with race in America. At the end of the day, what counts is how particular white, American Jews choose or don't choose to empathize and relate to people of color based on our own historical and present experiences of difference, and how we act upon those choices. I've seen many examples of both negative and positive choices, and strive to make the right ones.
I was on a routine check-up at my doctor's office this week. He pulled me into his office - we've been friends for 25 years - and said to me, "This is highly unprofessional of me, but I have to tell you that I am so depressed. When does this stop?" Two white guys sitting in a room bemoaning the age of Trump. "Everyone I know is," I replied.
But I'm not after reading this. The beauty of your prose brought me joy. Weaving together the very personal loss of your husband with the very personal loss of our public hopes – whether we anticipate change or struggle - delivered a moment to me that is the uplifting encouragement I crave. Thank you so very much.
240
Yes, our sorrow is part of today's world, but we must go on, to survive and to build a better world for ourselves and our children, the future. My idea is to express my anger, then take care of myself and figure out how I best can help make a difference. I try to talk to others, give money, sign petitions and help phone bank from California to other areas, Swing Left. Timothy Snyder writes On Tyranny that we each should contribute as we can. I think if Black people have made their way all these years, I have a lot to learn. Talking with each other is a good first step.
15
I am so sorry for your loss and i do thank you for writing this essay.
Perhaps a ray of hope. The recent wedding of Megan and Harry carried a powerful message about how black and white can live and work together. It was watched by millions. Hopefully more than just a few caught the message behind the wedding.
The best to you always.
39
So, do you have a podcast?
15
I don't know whether she has a podcast but I'm going to buy her book.
4
I fully commiserate with you and believe I understand . I am a white Jewish male married to a black Dominican woman , and have been for 45 years . I understand white male privilege , for I have lived it . Things changed when we married and later moved to Florida , where I saw racism at its ugliest , not so much directly , although there surely was solid evidence of that , but via stories my children told me years later , after we had moved . On many occasions they were called , "nigger" while waiting for the school bus or riding their bicycles around the small , very white town we lived in . While the racism I experienced was more insidious , somehow my lovely and brave wife became a businesswoman in that same town and was very successful, in spite of the odds against her . She knew who the bigots were , but never showed that, but rather, forged ahead in her business so that she could enable our family to eat and to live . Her positive attitude and serious professionality didn't allow her to get lost in the weeds ; she was too busy creating success . I'm sure these qualities enabled her to succeed and change some entrenched minds . My kids moved away, thankfully . My wife and I left a little bit more aware , but with our pride well intact.
54
This was an interesting read - I have not ever seen anything quite like this before. You nuance the racial with subtlety. I'm sorry for the circumstances that led you to write it.
56
Thamk you for this beautiful and moving piece. My close community and family loved ones are mostly POC; it has been eye opening, humbling, and devastating as a white Jew to see what most of them deal with on a daily basis. White folks need to face head on and fearlessly the consequences of the racial oppression in this country and understand that it diminishes all of us. We as white folks need to deal with our white fragility, take the blinders off and stop whining. I want to be on the right side of history, not the damned. I want the people I love to be able to live to their fullest capacity and I am committed to helping that be a reality.
25
Thank you.
21
I'm sorry for your loss. In a time of regressive white male power, your husband had the kind of strength that can come from the sense of belonging and responsibility that, unfortunately, mainly white men experience in America. He surely felt he had to try to own, and own up to, our legacy of racial prejudice. This is a huge support to real equality, and more like him would be a boon to real democracy.
22
No, a boon to democracy occurs when diversity of thought and opinion coexisting together, i.e. not by everyone joining one side of the political spectrum.
10
"Belonging and responsibility."
Yes, these arise from privilege. Are we suggesting that these tools should be disdained because they come from a regrettable history? Very few nations have not had a ruling elite. In some they produce a Marquis deSade. In ours, it produces a William Sloane Coffin whom, I will attest, was not a very nice guy and I could not care in the slightest.
1
You are wrong about that. Do we need to consider both sides of the Holocaust?
Everyone "joining one side of the political spectrum", if it's the side that is accepting of others who are different from ourselves, would indeed be a boon to democracy.
1
Dr Seuss
Don't cry because it is over, be happy that it happened.
Take the strength you gained and move forward....the only possible direction. We are all trying to grasp this situation and understand how to move us all forward, high school kids, harassed Black men, pregnant Black women, DACA kids, undocumented, pregnant women, disabled. Together. Write and help us understand.
17
Excellent article. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings
15
Such an incredible testament—to love but also humanity. Sending a hug from an east coast stranger. Here if you ever want to talk (and mean that ... as strange as it may sound on a NYTimes comment thread)!
18
That one great love. You and your husband had it. May you have peace every day.
24
May Perpetual Light shine upon him.
14
Grateful,for your sharing.
14
This was freaking great, an important read, and clearly a dialogue—relationship—to imitate. Sad, beautiful—but right on.
35
Thank you so much for sharing.
6
Condolences on the loss of your soul mate.
12
What your piece reinforces for me is the extent to which our snap judgments of each other are just lazy lies. It's so easy to toss someone into a mental box based on how they happen to show up.
A little deeper down, of course we humans have more in common than what separates us. Science tells us that. History tells us that. The mystics tell us that. But it takes time and effort (not to mention curiosity) to find out what the content of a persons character, as MLK said, might be. So much easier being the one-person snap judge and jury.
A they multiply beyond comprehension in our time, I can imagine the entire stinking mountain of lazy lies at some point collapsing of its own weight. After the shock perhaps some will start over... by slowly and thoughtfully sifting out from the rubble the traits that are known to be good in humans. Such as empathy. Humility. Love.
8
I absolutely believe sometime in the future, a racially ambiguous society will look back on us like we look back on people of the Dark Ages - and simply marvel at the inexplicable concept that they are our descendants - at how we refused to be each other’s keeper.
This essay is my proof that day will emerge.
18
A misguided thought experiment. Humans will divide and categorize themselves in some manner in perpetuity. The only solution is a move beyond humanity.
5
In a racially ambiguous future, people will find other reasons to hate and discriminate against each other
1
I seriously doubt East Asian countries will ever be racially diverse. Does anyone really think that Korea or Japan could become "racially ambiguous" in the future?
Notice how it's often only Western, majority White countries that are constantly hounded as being racist and not diverse enough.
2
Erin, what a wonderful, wrenching piece. Tommy T
6
Beautiful writing - clear, honest, true.
10
Thank you--you've given me valuable pointers on how to be a conscientious white person in a transracial family, and how to face racial issues together and openly.
6
I felt like I was reading memories of life with my late husband. I miss his honesty during our almost daily discussions of race. I actually became more angry, more acutely aware of racism and more politically active of the great gulf between black and white life because of my front row seat on his white privilege.
I also got the added perspective of living on three continents and seeing how our relationship played in other cultures. We both learned a lot and grew a lot over the course of our marriage which ended with his death at age 61. He always said the first black president would be named Tyrone! He got that wrong but I read that one of the horses pulling Meghan Markle and Prince Harry's carriage is called Tyrone! He would've loved that!
19
Thank you for writing this personal story. I am sorry for your loss, but appreciative of the hopefulness that your integrated life with Alan represents during this grim time.
5
How poignant and brave to share the story of your marriage filled with love and loss. Our names carry us through time so your union is there forever and can never be denied...big hugs from across the oceans...
7
Very moving essay.
as a movie title said, it's complicated.
2
I'm a white man with an Ethiopian wife and although I thought I understood racism in this country pretty well before meeting her- seeing it through her experience has certainly broadened my understanding.
What I've learned from my wife is that the unspoken condescension is the most difficult thing to tolerate when you are black and working with certain white people in business. She can never be guilty of an actual mistake out of fear it will be associated with the color of her skin- some white people tend to expect and even want incompetence from darker skinned people.
There is also the way their faces often drop the first time they meet her in person- her phone voice and name offers no clue of her African origin.
24
'I am living the next adventure by myself, though I take some comfort in living it — surviving it — with his name.'
Good luck Ms Kaplan!
9
Thank you for telling your & Alan’s story Erin. The pain of losing someone who understood you so deeply sounds harrowing. I could cry thinking about what you are going through in this ugly political climate without your most passionate ally. Your words inspire me to contemplate the ways in which I may ease the burdens of people harmed by racism. They are a generous gift that I hope someday you won’t have to give. Till then, I will receive them with humble gratitude and an open heart.
5
I am truly sorry for your loss. In some inexplicable way, it feels as if perhaps the rest of us have lost something, too.
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
14
I have always been in inter-racial relationships. I have to admit, being in one during the Age of Trump is hard. There is a tension that did not exist when I first started pursuing serious relationships 15 years ago. Sure, there have been the slick comments from black men about "their women dating white men". I have seen the stares from white women questioning why "he is with me". But the Age of Trump is different.
My partner (white male) has associates that voted for Trump. I made it clear to him that I will not break bread with these people, laugh over a glasses of wine and pretend like their vote did not happen. I explained to him that their vote is for the removal of policies and laws that helped me do all the things my mother, grandmother, aunts could not do. He understood.
That said, I hold his hand really hard and I am ready to verbally pounce on any black person that says anything negative about our relationship.
We say things openly to each other that we would not say to other people. We are open about racial issues, but also laugh at each other and our differences. There are a lot of "your people" jokes. We love each other and will defend our love to all. I am going to hold him a little tighter and be thankful for every day with him.
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Best wishes for as dynamic a love and partnership for you, CC, as Ms. Kaplan had with her husband. Their relationship sounds like one we all could have wished for.
1
yes!
A lot has made me sad since Nov. 2016, but your loss and this beautifully written piece is making me really sad. Maybe it is knowing how lonely you feel in this lies-as-truth United States of Trump. The truth was hard enough as it was.
One thing I have felt thankful for is that my dad didn't live to see Trump, or this terrible time. But reading this, I realize, though he's been spared the demoralization of it all, we've also lost his contributions to the side of good. When he was a young (white) businessman in NYC the 1960s, he sent Martin Luther King, Jr. a congratulatory telegram after the March on Washington. I grew up hearing that story and took it for granted, but I don't take it for granted today. It was only a gesture, but even the smallest gesture seems to have ripples of hope now.
I am so sorry you lost your partner and soulmate. Hope is cyclic and it will turn again. I have to believe it.
33
Your essay reminded me of my father and the conversations we had over the years. He was a history buff, but first and foremost a newspaper man. He taught at Syracuse's Newhouse School, and set the bar high for speaking truth and backing it up with at least three verifiable sources.
Thank you for sharing a little piece of your husband and your marriage with us.
12
Thank you for this moving essay and for your honesty and courage in sharing it. It is clear from your words, and from what your husband's former students have shared in their comments, that his was a life well lived, one that made a difference in the world. May his memory continue to be a blessing.
21
Such a touching tribute. What a wonderful legacy your husband left you, and all of us.
11
what a marvelous relationship you got to have with your husband. the way you describe his angst with not as much progression i could feel. as a white male 2 years older than your husband i get that feeling. thanks for a great article.
15
Thank you for sharing this.
I wish I could have met your husband. He sounds like the sort of teacher I have always striven to become. No doubt he touched many lives in a profound way, and his legacy endures through them, as it does through you. What more can we hope for in life than to love and be loved in such a way?
41
Thank you for sharing your truth. It does seem like absolutely the only way to carry on these days.
29
I am so sorry for your loss. I am white. I tried to join a black church but in the end did not continue as a member because as you articulately stated, I felt like an "incursion."
You had a beautiful relationship, very unique and deep which crossed the racial divide. As others have said, I hope you can take strength from that relationship and apply it with your other relationships and activism.
God bless.
22
Mr. Kaplan was a teacher among teachers. Erin Aubry Kaplan - I remember when you two met. I was a student in Mr. Kaplan's class - when there was turmoil at the school surrounding him. I remember when you showed up at our graduation that year thinking "the story is over, I wonder why she's here....." and a few years later, when I was in college I found out you two got married.
Mr. Kaplan shaped much of how I view the world. Not so much in specific opinions, but in my approach and how I come to conclusions. He was truly the best kind of teacher - the kind that showed you how to think.... and that's what we need more of.
All my respect and best wishes to you.
401
" The kind that showed you how to think", those are the teachers that make a thoughtful nation, very much needed nowadays, I don't know Mr. Kaplan but will thank him for the positive influence he left behind, a life worth living. Sorry for your loss.
21
I honestly wish I could have met Alan. As a man who is of both Irish and Hispanic heritage, but retains unearned white privilege because my skin is a much lighter tan than others of Hispanic heritage, race and how it has and is shaping America, is a topic very close to my heart.
I realized the inequity of treatment as early as 13, when a group of kids I was hanging out with, many of them Hispanic or black, were stopped and frisked by police in my hometown of NYC. One of the boys had less than a gram of marijuana in his pocket.
He was arrested (w/o the police even attempting to contact his parents, who were white and well off, he was also adopted), so were 3 others, for "loitering", even though we were in a park, in daylight. Out of the 7 of us, 3 were let go without as much as a lecture. The 3 of us let go were "white", or, in my case, looked white.
From that day on I saw it everywhere. This thing called "white privilege", which had only been an abstract concept prior to that incident, had become reality.
I have been hired over people with Spanish last names, even when they were more qualified, because I am adopted and have a white last name. Fair? I think not.
Racism exists on every side of the equation. Privilege is not just for men, but white men get both. The non privileged have every right in the world to be angry!
In our current Trumpian reality it is impossible NOT to see it now. We need far more people like Alan. I mourn his loss, and so should the world.
229
As much as you grieve the loss of your husband, please don't give up hope of someday finding another person with whom you can share the kind of conversation that you had with him. If you keep writing and keep talking without holding back, over time it may become easier--somewhere among all the people who respond to you, there may be one (or more than one) who can both support and challenge you to the degree that he did. Kindred spirits can at least make you feel like you have a home with them, even if they're not a physical presence in your life. Just being the kind of person who could have this relationship in the first place makes it much more likely that it will happen for you again.
16
Such a touching essay. My father died in Jan. 2016 and I suspect that if he hadn't died when he did that Trump's presidency would have killed him. He also lived for social justice and would have been heartbroken over the retroactive path this country is taking.
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But Emily, his daughter now has the privilege, if somewhat painful, of watching our fellow Americans with better instincts try to turn the tide.
I think he would have been proud of the scores of former servicepeople, academics and professionals, particularly of those who don't fit the profile of the average Congressperson, who have stepped up to run for office this year.
3
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your essay made me miss your husband too, though I never met him.
262
I’m sorry for your loss. And sorry Alan is not around to fight the good fight.
50
Sorry for your loss. Very nice reflection. I enjoyed reading it.
16
Your essay illustrates the unique power of marriage, wherein two people can find the ultimate freedom to express themselves in love and acceptance, for better or worse, and ultimately develop in their humanity as a result. Thank you for sharing that. Not everyone will read it or gain from it, but for those that do, hopefully we can pay it forward. Isn’t that the power of sharing?
177
This was a beautiful, thoughtful and profound reflection. I am sorry for your loss - I can imagine in the current climate it feels that much greater. Your relationship sounded very, very special.
155
This goes into the heart inside of the heart of things. Thank you for writing this
53
So moved by this. My very best wishes and thanks for your strength.
32
My sympathies for your loss.
I am white and Jewish and I have spent most of the last 30 years where I was a visible minority. I watched the debate on Friday featuring Michael Eric Dyson, partnered with Michelle Goldberg vs Jordan Peterson and Stephen Fry.
I had known Michael Eric Dyson, Jordan Peterson, Stephen Fry from television and youtube and Michelle Goldberg from her NYT column. I knew them to be people of tremendous intellect and education and admire them all.
https://www.facebook.com/munkdebates/videos/1918492438163250/
Dr Peterson is clinical psychologist who has fought his demons from childhood. Pastor Dyson is a public intellectual who has informed us of the black experience with great understanding and sympathy. Stephen Fry is great wit, writer and intellect who is British, Jewish and gay. Michelle Goldberg is the here and now of American female understanding.
While Fry and Goldberg deported themselves with dignity and wit, Peterson and Dyson seemed to not understand their audience and their opposition. We need Peterson and Dyson to listen to the other voices. We need a dialogue without the prejudices that make our fellows the other. When two of our society's outstanding intellects can fail so miserably at listening to each other what hope is there for we mere mortals.
25
Your essay moved me to tears. Thank you.
51
Ms. Aubry Kaplan, it is so clear why and how much you miss your husband. Cherish what you had; it's rare. And keep hammering away at the ills of this nation; maybe the effect will not be as positive as one may hope in the short term, but I (in my white privilege) keep hoping that the long-term outcome will be better.
80
Two people who seek to understand the history behind our individual behavior and choices within a larger framework of systemic oppression, and yet there's still a cutesy ending glorifying the fact that a professional woman chose to erase part of her own identity as some sort of patriarchal tribute to her husband.
"He didn’t think changing my name was a great idea." I doubt he ever considered adopting her last name.
It's sad how we don't even question the inherent inequality and internalized misogyny involved in this antiquated custom.
9
I'm thinking the author made her choice knowing exactly what she was doing and doesn't need to be batted about the head for it because others think she sold out. Lots of women chose their husband's last name, mine didn't. I wasn't threatened and it only confused our son's school. Apparently Aubry Kaplan had no negative repercussions from her choice.
58
In what Ms Aubry Kaplan writes, I read neither inequality nor misogyny. On the contrary!
13
I hate it when the far left gets as authoritarian as the far right.
2
Alan Kaplan, Mr. Kaplan as I knew him, was my teacher, and I cried reading this because you capture him so perfectly and so beautifully. I was lucky to have him as a teacher: he taught me so much about race and racism in America and about how to read history. His teaching still influences me today in ways I probably still don't even realize completely. If every American student could have a history teacher like him, I think the impact would be profound. Thank you for writing this and sharing. And I am so sorry for your loss and the loss of all the conversations you still might have had.
1156
You were fortunate to have had such an understanding and illuminating partner for life. You can imagine how he would react and what he would say in the current political climate. He would share your views, he would support you, and he would be as appalled at the condition of our country as the rest of us are.
73
Blessings upon the Path you Tread. You take his name and memory with you. I am so sorry for your loss.
Thank you.
110
You sound like a great pair. I would have been happy to know you both. Carry on, and He will be pushing you forward. Best wishes.
77
Thank You so much for sharing these words. I want you to know your words have inspired me . I am sorry for the passing of your Husband, but please be comforted in the fact that your words and passion are helping others. All we can do in this incredibly cruel time that we are experiencing, is to reach out and comfort , advocate and support others whom this cruelty is directed at. We need to find each other, and hold on, and believe that Love and Justice will prevail in the end. Otherwise we are doomed, and I refuse to go there.
129
Thank you for writing this.
80
Simply beautiful.
93
Bless you, Erin. I have kept my white husband's name as well. He died in 2009, happy that Barack Obama had delivered our country's promise. We did not know then that it was a moment in time. Like you, I miss his love, his wisdom, and his color-blindness. Soldier on, my dear. This dark period in our history will pass. We were blessed.
690
I always knew that Obama would be a moment in time. A time of peace in this nation. I saw Hillary or Jeb in our future. Little did I know.
The Democrats should have been finding and developing more President Obamas. The only good thing about this current Presidency is that more women are running for office.
33
This says almost everything about the beauty and the struggle of being different people in a world together. Thank you so very much ... my words are insufficient.
400
Thank you for your beautiful essay, memorial and unique perspective about race in America.
It seems many people anticipated the brewing storm, but it really caught me off guard. I knew that some friends and family hated Obamacare, saw a few crazy photos on social media of orangutans, and even I was disappointed with some of Obama's decisions. So in some sense I suppose I can understand the backlash.
But I never dreamed it would morph into what we're seeing now. I think Trump could utter the N word in a rally and his support would not waver. I think we see a new cop vs. black person video every week. It's bad, and seems to be getting worse. So perhaps your writing and personal experiences can somehow build a bridge. Assuming everyone wants there to be a bridge.
92
"Not waver"? His support would be as rock solid than as ever.
10
Thank you, and I am sorry for your loss. It seems that the two of you provided a terrific example of what it means to be married, to be partners in life in the truest and deepest sense. You apparently enriched each others lives in your diversity, and that is a message we all need to heed and nurture.
It is particularly important that you addressed race explicitly in this piece. Ignoring race, saying that we should be colorblind, is a lie that we need to confront as a society. We need empathy much more than denial, or we will never acknowledge the depths of pain cause by racism in all of its forms. Without such recognition, we will not be able to grow past it.
401
Fascinating column... thanks.
I'm dismayed the author so blithely assigns everyone to a racial category, though. Alan was her husband; she his wife. To say he's her white husband, and she his black wife, is to credit the social construct of race with a fundamental and prime reality. But if people are people are people, and all people just inherit physical traits from their biological parents, then how can one honestly place people so definitively into such categories?
Sure, most people today operate under the assumption that there are races. It's just honest to admit that most people looked at Alan and saw 'white man' and at the author and saw 'black woman.' And its just honest to admit that construct fundamentally affects the lived experience of all of us. There's no escaping it.
But the only way out of racism is to stop seeing people as having a race. Irish people and italian people have different ethnicities, sure... but we don't see their common physical traits as indicative of a race. The same thing needs to happen with all common physical traits. They may suggest (rebuttably!) an ethnicity. But there's no race. We're all just people. Maybe we can start treating each other like it.
21
Unfortunately, although we are just people, everyone still sees race. And that is intensified by classifications such as Japanese-American or xxx-American. I have personally always hated the Japanese-American label applied to me, as I felt it highlighted race differences instead of letting me be seen, as you suggest, as just a person. So I completely understand why the writer writes about black and white.
Very emotional article, wish Erin all the best.
26
It's not a matter of "physical traits." It's a matter of family and community experience. Even a "Black" person such as Meghan Markles whom most people might not classify as "Black" on sight based on "physical traits," embodies the lived experiences of "Black" ethnicity. So do Jews whose personal appearance and even surname may not clearly say "Jew" to those who do not know them closely.
Race-as-a-social-construct means that an entire community's heritage and culture, including -- crucially -- the heritage and communal memory of persecution and struggle, remains alive in all the members of that community and is passed down to their children, if not intentionally then unintentionally. Until the outsiders to the community begin to accept, believe, and appreciate the significance of this enduring heritage, we will continue talking past each other about skin color, physical appearance, color blindness, etc. etc.
53
Sam, the old trope of "there's no race" is simply a manifestation of privilege. Yes, we're all people; and as such, we should honor each other's experiences, rather than hide in the rabbit holes of our heads where "there is no race."
To criticize the author for writing honestly (and beautifully) about HER OWN experience is the height of mansplaining.
239