Think You Always Say Thank You? Oh, Please

Thank you for the article. I think I say thank you a lot. It's kinda funny because, while I am pretty laid back, I can be a force of nature whenever somebody abuses power. The change up in demeanor sometimes startles observers.

We got google home as a gift, and I have to say that it is a lot of fun having it in the house. I got a survey from Google asking how did I like it. So I told them that even though I thought it had been helpful and it was fun, there was something I didn't like about the product. And it was the fact that my kids and their friends where just demanding for answers when they wanted to know things but a few times they asked me for things to eat without using the word "please". Anyway, even though they never got anything from me if they didn't ask politely I didn't like the fact that their gadget was contributing to a impolite and self-centered generation, when everything is expected because they say so. Ant to top it up, I told then that I was going to disconnect it because they were getting not only impolite but lazy to go and find out by themselves anything they wanted to know...

I am a believe that NO MATTER where you are one always has to be polite. Yes, the world is changing but that should not! My family and I lived in one European country (I'm not going to say the name, out of curtesy), for a year and at restaurants the waiters were not welcoming at all. Some people even questioned and laugh at my daughters for using "please" and "thank you" when asking or receiving. People said it was the culture, I've been in and out of a lot of countries in Europe and to me it's just plain rude. American countries seem to be much more welcoming, polite and appreciative of tourists and people in general. Politeness and courtesy are a way of living and it doesn't have to do with social class.

And then there is the substantial pleasure-- on both the giving and receiving sides-- of the neat little thank-you note. What a pity that more people don't enjoy writing the note -- or receiving it when they send a gift or provide a treat. When I have the lovely experience of a thank-you note from a child, I speak to the parents to thank THEM for raising their little one well.

I make a point of slowing down and saying ‘Thank You’ in a kind and meaningfull manner. I don’t linger I just really mean it. I also hold doors for anyone. Smile

I learned from my Mom the following; "Please is a little word, thank you, not long" Be nice, people. It isn't hard.

Thank you, Texas Liberal! Your words are appreciated. My pet peeve is offering a sincere thank you and getting one of the following responses: Yep. No problem. No worries. Ok. Etc., etc.

People have de-evolved, or hadn't you noticed? I am afraid that the lessons the parents of my generation taught their children are lost on folks who listen to rap and think that they are 'entitled'!

This generation needs to go home and watch Barney and Friends and Blue's Clues along with Sesame Street. I was raised on them and my now grown children. Sad when these millennials along with their Gen Xer parents failed to instill and learn these simple but important words. It's no wonder that the world is going to hell in a handbasket. It's like saying I'm sorry without being and totally sincere about it. Sadden by this relevation by true.

Women say, "sorry", more..as if we've done something terrible. I say thank you all the time, not a big deal to do so.

Has anyone else overheard people ordering and prefacing their order with the words “I’ll do” as in “I’ll do the latte.” We used to say “May I have a caffe latte, please?” Those were the good old days.

Yesterday as I was walking to my car in a full up parking lot on a university campus, a driver pulled up next to me and asked whether I was leaving. I recognized the guy as a professor though I don't know whether he recognized me. and I said yes I was leaving and got in my car while he waited. I quickly moved out of the space allowing him to take it. As we passed one another I expected to get a nod, smile, or at least some minimal token of acknowledgement. Nothing. He looked at me with an ugly glare - there was no visual hint of a thank you whatsoever. I felt quite annoyed by this man's rudeness. I'll think twice before helping someone out like that again.

I surely wish the researchers had included France in their study -- I'd bet good money that their stats would be different. Two anecdotes: (1) Before my first long stay in France, a friend in Berkeley warned me to say "merci" much more often than I was used to saying "thank you." And I do, most definitely. (2) Just this morning I was chatting with a couple of Australian women at a train station here in Languedoc, and the topic of cultural differences came up. One of the two women volunteered that she says "Merci" much more often here than she does back home. So, if you're reading this comment, Nick Enfield et al., please consider expanding your database!

In metaphysics [laws of how our minds work] it is axiomatic that whatever you are grateful for, increases. If there is something you want more of, give thanks for however much of it you have now. This sincere appreciation strengthens the energetic bond between your mind and the good thing or experience you would like to have, or have more of. Thanks is one form of expressing love, and love is magnetic. This being true, it surprises me how many clerks in stores do not say thank you to the customer; in fact they seem to expect the customer to thank them for waiting on them. This is such backwards thinking. Business owners would do well to train their employees to sincerely thank each customer if they want to increase the prosperity of their business. In close personal relationships there may be some leeway as others have written here. However, it still seems to me that I don't want to take someone for granted. The cultural differences written about in the study were interesting. I was not aware that there are cultures where saying thank you in some circumstances would be rude. However, here in the USA I would like gratitude for all the goodness around us to increase. Thank you for the opportunity to express my feelings on this topic.

[extra space needed!] There was something at work that was more complex, it seems, than say, a surgeon not having to say thank you for every piece of equipment slapped into her expecting hand. More complex or far-ranging also than not expressing verbal thanks to your immediate family and siblings for the expected sharing of common goods or tools (or clothing!). The presence and advertising of thank yous in US media is at the other extreme of the magic of giving or granting recognition. For each section of interview it makes, for instance, NPR makes sure I can hear the "thank you for coming on my show" and "thank you for having me," instead of "my pleasure" or "you are welcome," or clipping those extraneous remarks entirely. It usually cheapens the exchange as its material, economic components (recognition) are at odds with the expression of grace and sound fake and slightly repulsive, especially when the issues discussed are of the essence. BBC on the contrary doesn't practice this tit for tat that I explain to myself as an intrusion of capitalist rationality in the shrinking world of grace.

Even my husband and I decided early on to be polite to each other no matter what. After 32 years we still say please and thank you. I love saying "Thank You, Have a Nice Day" to bus drivers, taxi drivers, cashiers, and others I come into contact with during the day or night. But I like being that pleasant and helpful New Yorker who gives up her seat for someone who needs it or helps that poor tourist who seems lost. And I'm not the only one, but we need more of us! It is up to all of us to keep and pass down these good manners and what little civilities we have left. (This from a woman who grew up curtsying and wearing party dresses...-:)

One day in my childhood in Brittany—I may have been twelve or thirteen?—we were working on piling sheaves of wheat or barley on a cart, I needed a fork (two-tined!), asked my father for it, and said thank you when he passed it along. He stopped for a moment and told me thanking someone you were working with for passing a tool along was not done. I was surprised to discover that his hidden network of values and their expressions conflicted with what I was being taught at school, as I was on vacation from a Catholic boarding seminary. I was even shocked because I knew that my parents were extremely conscious of what they "owed" to their neighbors and extended family. In fact, it took me many years to realize how infinitely complex the sense of reciprocal duties was in the farming community we were in, and how it lived a hidden life, across time boundaries, below the world of social graces you encountered when you put on your Sunday finery or met, awkwardly, the powers that be: teachers, priests, banking officials, your landowner, etc.... It would take many pages to give a proper idea of this world of quietly enforced reciprocity, social status determination, and expectation of grace. This was a community of Breton speakers, with French fast becoming the main language. Breton has a "thank you" as I discovered later when I studied its "modern" form, but it was never used among my kins or neighbors.

The researchers seem only to have counted verbal expressions of gratitude. Often thanks are expressed via a smile, a wave, a nod, a thumbs up or OK sign, etc. Sometimes such gestures are the only option--when acknowledging a courtesy on the part of another driver, for instance. Unless extralinguistic communication is considered, I'm not convinced that human beings are primed to take favors for granted.

and what about "you're welcome". hardly ever hear that either. it's usually something like "no problem".

Acknowledge the gift, not expect an obligatory. No one has to help. I think I say Thanks or Thank you pretty often. It makes me feel good when I acknowledge an effort, even an expected one. I often start with Thanks for helping me, I find I get better help. Someone told me I say Thank you and they admired the action and started doing it too. They noticed how the work environment changed, but not in the family. When a child helps, I especially thank the child and then the parent. Positive reinforcement goes a long way. My fatherś (almost) last comatose words were Thank you. I think some of it depends on how big of a chip is on your shoulder and if you require others to acknowledge it.

RE: "People signal the need for assistance frequently: about every minute and a half, according to the researchers’ samples. And they usually get it: " This isn't my experience. Unless the "signal" is a direct verbal request. It is my observation that we've moved from a culture of general civility to a culture "you can just go around me". Am I wrong? I've observed "you can just go around me" when driving, walking, using public transportation, at the beach. People studiously ignore another's situation if it means that they have to put any effort into it such as moving from blocking the door or entrance, or yielding, or giving up a seat. In the "you can just go around me" culture people will, reluctantly, provide assistance such giving up a seat, moving their cigarette, if they are asked. The onus is on you to ask, not on them to see, that you are older and struggling to stand and hang on against the movements of the subway and offer the the disabled/senior citizen seat they are sitting in or move from the door so you can exit the train.

There is a decided lack of civility in the 21st century which I try, in my own way, to fight with regular thank yous. Apparently "you're welcome" has been replaced by "no problem". I guess I should admit that I have a grumpy problem with the evolution of our language.

It doesn't really matter to me from what point of view the study approached this topic (it states "reciprocal behavior from an evolutionary point of view"). We are talking civilized behavior in daily modern life. I'm old enough (and traveled extensively around the world) to state herewith that I have never ever met a person or institution who were not pleased about being thanked for their service. I even heard many times a happy, "you are the first person who is thanking me. Thank you!" I was brought up to thank people, that includes friends, for everything: dinners, invitations, presents, thoughts, support; strangers I thank for their service. Living in L.A. and riding the bus (yes I do, it exists) I'm always baffled and amused when almost 80% of the riders get off the bus and actually say "thank you" to the bus driver - and almost always get a nice to witty answer. It's not "necessary" to thank the bus driver, I know, but it's the oil (snake charmer's oil?) that makes interactions nice, human, interesting, funny, respectful and smooth. I LIKE the feeling of saying Thanks, sometimes I expect a response, often I don't. I'll stick to that tradition and regret the rudeness and the fading of style...I DO feel free to NOT thank people who are hostile, arrogant and unprofessional, celebrating the Freedom of Thanks.

I can't tell you how many times I've held the door open for women (usually white women) and have got nothing more than a look of entitlement. But I still do it because I'm a gentleman. And in New York City, simply saying "excuse me" can save your life!

"Thank you" has become a grudging or absentminded "Thanks," "Excuse me" has become an incoherent mumble, and "I'm sorry" has become a sulky or perky "Sorry" (to be reinforced later with a defensive "I SAID I was sorry!"). Profanity, vulgarity, and kidspeak (remember when newspapers, when they had to refer to it at all, called it excrement and not poop?) have replaced our Magic Words in the contemporary lexicon, the same way that "racist" has become the new "communist" as a short form "I hate you." And if the woman who chased me down the street once years ago because I didn't thank her for saying "Bless you" when I sneezed (even though I'd said "Excuse me" immediately afterward) should read these lines, you're welcome.

Saying, thank you is my only requirement when I purchase something. I don't care if you say hello, I don't care if you engage me in conversation, but please quit telling me to have a good day in lieu of saying thank you. Now, get off my lawn!

My mother taught me better. My dad ensured the lesson would stick with me. I like thanking people, animals and plants. The response is worth it, even when “You are welcome” does not follow. Karma, Karma, Karma.

Did they count non-verbals, such as a nod or smile?

Even in ideologically polite Western cultures, using Pleases and Thank Yous in informal settings with intimates often times seems overly stiff and formal, and would be more remarkable than their absence.

I am tired of saying thank you then having the other person say 'no problem.' Where did this come from?

What is more avoided by Americans is the traditional response to "Thank you": "You're welcome." Why? Is it felt that saying "You're welcome" implies that the other has received some sort of charitable gift, that it demeans the other? I noticed this when I first immigrated to the US from Canada in the 1960's. I was brought up with the "Thank you" and "You're welcome" as the appropriate interchange, and everybody we knew back there spoke that way. But Americans have regionally distinct ways of avoiding "You're welcome." In Indiana, the standard response was "Uh huh." Once, as I was walking away from the register in a drug store, I was ten feet away when the clerk realized she had not responded to my "Thank you" and yelled across the space -- with others waiting -- "UH HUH!" Then there's "No problem!" Well, I am certainly pleased that I didn't cause you a problem. I guess that, in such regions, if I don't hear "No problem!", I must have caused a problem. On rare occasions, it's "It was my pleasure" which leaves me feeling better for having initiated a situation that gave the other pleasure than barely avoiding a problem. I'm sure there are other variants, and invite my readers to post replies with them. Thank you for reading this. I hope it was not a problem, and it was a pleasure serving you . . .

The research reported here borders on the kind that used to receive the Golden Fleece Award from the late Senator William Proxmire if it had been funded with public money. Consider: “It’s completely asymmetrical,” Dr. Enfield said. “People typically don’t give their reasons when they comply. This just underlines the fact that cooperation is the default mode.” Well, of course it is. When A asks B for assistance, the probabilities concerning B's behavior are skewed from the outset. The request sets the default. Now, a study of thank-yous for unsolicited assistance might be interesting. And in what undiscovered world might people feel it incumbent on them to give reasons for complying with a request? The person asking for assistance presumably doesn't need to be convinced that the one complying is doing the right thing. Again, the default is the default by default. I wish the researchers had specifically probed the consciousness of those people who email strangers for information, receive it in abundance, and then vanish into the cybernight without another word. Just troubling them to explain themselves would be a service to society.

Complying with a request for assistance and saying "thank you" stem from two entirely different human behaviors. Complying with a request for assistance comes from the human recognition that another needs help and it is in the nature of a duty to help another. Refusal to help another in obvious need requires a certain degree of contempt for humanity. Saying "thank you" is more refined. It is an acknowledgment that beyond fulfilling needs, there is, in some of us, a desire to add a degree of civility to society. It's kind of like saying, "I know you didn't have to help me and I appreciate you're not being a jerk."

To counteract the paucity of 'thank yous,' I made a point to learn it in 25 languages. This comes in handy not only when traveling abroad, but also here in Los Angeles where hundreds of languages are spoken. The reward is the smiles of gratitude I receive in exchange for that small but significant courtesy. Expressing gratitude should never be lost -- even the busiest among us have time for it.

In many cultures, gratitude is expressed in other ways than saying words equivalent to "Thank you." In some cultures, saying these words would be considered excessively formal, especially between friends and relatives. In modern Hindi, equivalents for Thank You, Please, and Sorry have been invented, but these are so formal as to be mainly used in letters, not in person. In person, there are much more graceful, verbal and non-verbal ways of expressing gratitude.

And there’s no mention of ‘please.’ People don’t request things much, they order them. ‘I’ll have the fish,’ or ‘a toasted bagel, butter no jam’ and similar, are rarely followed by ‘please.’ Coming from Britain, I thought it was just a symptom of American sense of entitlement. After forty years, I haven’t changed my mind.

I've noticed that if I send an email to a friend or friends, I seldom get a reply let alone a thank you. Also the same is true of phone calls. If I ask a yes/no variety of questions, it's expected no reply is a "no" answer. People don't realize that a thank you can't help someone, but the lack of one isn't forgotten.

Many of us say thank you in a purely rote way with no or little feeling behind it. And likely almost as often, the receiver says you're welcome in a rote manner. When this happens it is almost meaningless. We can tell when there is true emotion behind a please or thank you or you're welcome. That's when it becomes meaningful and that is what we need to employ. In my opinion, fewer but more sincere thank you's are what is needed.

The study makes some good points but seems to leave out the pleasantry of a positive interactive experience with another human being who has offered services or actions kindly and is in return shown gratitude verbally. Another aspect is that people seem to say "thank you" as a response much too often instead of "you are welcome", implying that a thank you response is somehow more polite. Herein, in my view is the overuse.

I would like to understand the context of the assistance that's being requested and provided in these situations. I think with people we're close with, there is an alignment of needs and interest that may make a vocalized "thank you" unnecessary or even inappropriate in many instances. If my wife and I are leaving the house and taking the cardboard recycling out, my wife might ask if I can grab the last box if her hands are full. Thanking me for doing so might imply the job was hers and I'm merely helping, whereas the social contract of our marriage holds that it's our joint responsibility to take care of our home. If a delivery driver sees us with our hands full and presses the elevator button for us, he would certainly receive a thank you however - there is not necessarily an assumed alignment of interests with him so he's done us a favor in his kindness. A study that demonstrates we don't usually offer a thanks in the first instance, as I understand this study does, does not seem outwardly novel or groundbreaking to me.