I’m near Jane Brody’s age, reading this column in the comfortable large home where I raised my children. I admire Brody and want to cheer her, and myself, on. But as I struggle with a 91 year old parent, in a losing (lost) battle to get her to accept desperately needed changes, I know what may well lie ahead for me. And my children.
Folks like Ehrenreich, who chirp about planning to die before it gets that bad, are as much in denial as Brody, removing throw rugs and installing handrails. To both (and myself) I say, “Good plan. But what’s your back up?”
Roz Chast, in her excruciating memoir “Can’t We Talk About Something More Pleasant?” captures the anguish of being trapped by the intransigent elderly. We need to plan for the worst and give authority to implement the plan to the folks who will be stuck with us when we stop making appropriate decisions. If we don’t do that, we shouldn’t expect their care and support.
That’s what I tell myself, my friends, and my children. But how do I say it to my parent?
101
I could and should have moved somewhere else long ago, but the back yard is surrounded by big oak trees which provide wonderful
shade for Kota the Wonder Dog, so ....
63
Thank you, Jane Brody, for this and your other terrific articles--you are a real asset to us aging readers--best...
17
I've dealt with aging parents. Sometimes, like with my father-in-law, it's a joy. Sometimes, like with my mother and mother-in-law, it's simply awful.
The biggest issue is their sense of entitlement regarding driving. There are essentially no people over the age of 70 who should be driving, imo. (I have been a professional driver and driving instructor.) They simply lack the vision and reflexes to operate cars safely. Add in their likely lack of knowledge of the many changes in vehicle codes since they were last tested and their lack of awareness of their physical limitations and it's a recipe for disaster. You cannot know what it was you didn't see, and aged people need much more light to see things than young people.
Age in place if you like, but do it without driving everywhere. If you love your suburban home, learn to use cabs, buses, Uber and young friends to go to stores and such. The other road users you don't terrorize will thank you for making the mature choice and admire your grace.
55
My childhood best friend had a disabled family member living with her through the entirety of her childhood. Their house was exactly like the split level my family lived in across the street, but theirs had been modified to accommodate a person left paralyzed on one side by a stroke. The experience from a young age, seeing disability as a normal part of life, informed my decision to buy a home that is accessible. A bedroom and full bath on the first floor were more important to us than finishes in the kitchen. The problem with a lot of housing is that it becomes unusable by the elderly or disabled. The immediate aftermath of a disabling illness or accident is the worst possible time, financially, to incur either renovation or moving expenses.
35
Americans are famous for moving. Toqueville found on his travels that Americans sell their orchard even before the apples are ripe. But "home" has religious values for all human beings: This is where I belong. Being married for 53 years to a physician who is also a superb home-maker, I agree with Jane Brody. I have problems with many others, also neighbors and friends, who have two residences for tax or climate reasons: Where do you put the plants when you once again have to pack up and head south or north? Or with those who move to an assisted facility and sell their house: We could not possibly move our two professional libraries. Especially not two times a year! Aging presents not only physical safety issues: More important are psychological and spiritual issues: Finishing that supremely important book! Mastering those language skills! Throwing light on those darkest secrets of human life that remain stubbornly opaque despite all our science and wisdom! Really understanding that history that is part of my life - and so intellectual and cultural "home" - so I can make meaningful decisions when I vote or when I communicate with those near or far across oceans in what I write and say. The internet makes communication so easy: It can be and too often is dreadfully trivial or hurtful or destructive. But it can also build a genuine "home" in that broader sense of meaning, belonging, belonging and salvation: After all, those values are humankind's deepest goals. Stay put!
27
Of course, cognitive decline throws all thoughts of aging in place up in the air. My mother-in-law began to decline, so we moved her to the town we lived in to an independent senior facility. As her memory declined, we moved her in with us, and for two years my husband was her full-time caregiver while I worked. As her mental decline increased, especially paranoia and psychotic episodes, we have placed her in a memory care facility. Never ask your loved ones not to place you in a nursing home. You do not know what the future holds. Find loving family members (I hope we all have them) who will do the best for your comfort and care.
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The problem is often not just with the throw rugs. Walking outside presents the same, or worse, problem with uneven sidewalks and potholes -- these are more of a menace for me. I have to keep reminding myself not to shuffle along but to pick up my feet as I walk. Also, to avoid the "dowager's stoop" that puts us off balance forward so if a foot catches we too easily fall over. I got instructions in the Alexander Technique and learned to keep my weight on my back foot moving forward and this has saved me from falling several times. Also, grab bars are good but even better is to learn how to move in balance on the feet, especially getting up and down. These are my aims, I don't always live up to them!
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<organisemyhome.com> I'm just beginning to use this site in the 92nd year of my life. It provides, more than ideas, tools for doing the work. Some stuff is free. Some appears to be pricey - but if it works it IS cheaper than living in specialized housing for the elderly. That life is pretty nice, I liked it when I did it at Laurelmead in Providence RI. Now I live independently in a community for people who are more than 55 years old, including my eldest son. And I have other children nearby who are nearly as old.
Moving again is too much to contemplate, but how to maintain my optimal level of order and comfort and independence as I slow down is my new adventure. I utilize self-hypnosis to stiffen my spine when I 'just don't feel like doing anything;' "Small Move, Big Change" by Caroline L Arnold, "When" by Daniel Pfau, to help me understand myself well enough to change my ways; and I employ both a handyman and a handywoman to do what I no longer won't or can't. I don't drive anymore, a huge problem in this semi rural area, but I use an electric powered tricycle that gets me around in good weather and burnishes my image as an amazing 'crown' as well. And that cheers me on and makes me feel swell.
Good luck! and Love&Blessing&Laughter
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We are going to be moving one parent to a reasonably priced and good continuum of care community.
It could possibly have been less expensive for this person to remain in their home but the house needs a new roof, a large tree removed, and wiring updated. The maintenance costs of a home never end. Nor do property taxes.
The other issue, not addressed here, is finances. Or rather what to do after discovering a parent has dug a financial pit that they have lied about and hidden. Had this not come up now who knows what would have happened.
21
The golden suggestion is the bathroom grab bar. Fortunately my bathroom is nano-inspired and no one can fall flat.
3
“is ‘nano-inspired’ and no one can fall flat”. Please, I want to know more.
14
The challenges faced by those of us currently in a caring role for parents in their late 70's and mid 80's, are common. Thank goodness it isn't just me. Stubborn hoarders of parents are a challenge to begin with. Having them both infirm, living with us as they never thought to plan for their retirement, only to realise that what they call the Old Age Pension here in Australia hasn't really kept up with inflation. Saddled with no assets other than a proliferation of junk, they are mostly housebound under my roof. Being an only child there is no support from anyone else. What makes it tough is their stubborn denial. With pain and inability comes anger and frustration, but the utter shame of having to ask for help is anathema to them. Mum clings like a limpet to the fact my dad has remembered (for once) what day of the week it was without asking a dozen times in the morning. I need to go away for two nights and 'oh I'll be right, I don't need to get any help in'. The frustration here in Australia is that they have managed to register with certain care organisations they qualify for, but I can't actually ask for the help. They have to do the asking. Denial, shame, hoarding, and that awful attachment to 'things' is a daily struggle. I don't have kids to pass this on to, but with dementia on both sides of my family, I know I have slim chance of being of sound mind at that age, so here I am at 50 starting to think ahead for when it's my turn.
40
You have my sympathy. Begin practicing flexibility now. You'll need it when you're 'old.'
L&B&L
20
I genuinely feel for you JP! Hang in there and try to take care of yourself, do what's best for YOU (was advice I was given).
"This too shall pass" (but probably not soon enough . . .)
11
Unfortunately, for many of the elderly, the age in place movement comes out of a real sense of entitlement. "I am old and I deserve to live how and where I want, even if it is at my children's expense." Their adult children leave their families and jobs to fly across the country to help the mom and dad who insist on staying in their home when they get pneumonia, fall down the stairs or have other health problems. And the expectation of the elderly parent is that, each time, the children will come to prop them up so they can continue to live as they please. And they expect their children to do this over and over again with little to no concern of how their decisions are affecting their adult children. They do this at the same time that they are telling us that they "don't want to be a burden." I have found that the parents who are most insistent on staying in their home are also the ones who don't want to pay for any outside services. Instead, they expect their children to accommodate them at any cost. From adult children to their elderly parents: If you are going to tell me that you are staying where you are because you "don't want to be a burden", then you need to act like it! Being unwilling to allow helpers into your home and pay for services and then expecting your adult children to rescue you in every crisis you create is not living up to your claim that you "don't want to be a burden."
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I'm 91. In my own comment, I've described my own independence. Don't do it any longer. You need to care for yourself - and begin practicing open-mindedness and flexibility NOW, so you'll be ready when you need your children. Yeah, I'm proud of my independence. I moved to be near my children when I was 75 and could establish a new life for myself. I know they are proud of me.
L&B&L
34
I was wondering if I would regret not having children, and then I read your post.
36
Sadly, you need to be wealthy to stay in your home with private pay nurse's aides, and most decent assisted living facilities are for the rich. Many, like myself are caretakers for their elderly parents. If you fall ill and need to go to a nursing home and haven't put your house in your child's name or in a trust, and or don't have the proper medical insurance, medicaid will get your lifetime savings and your home. The smartest thing my mom did was placing her house in my name years ago. As her health and dementia declined to the point of needing 24 hour care, she was able to get 24 hour services because of it. You should do a followup article showing your readers how to protect their assets to keep their home if they choose to stay in it with special needs trusts and hiring an elder law lawyer, which is essential.
Despite the fact of even having 24 hour care in the home, families still are responsible for all the financials, the food shopping, medication dispensing, refills, doctor appointments, lawn, any home repairs or problems, etc.It is a full time job. So even though it may sound ideal to stay in your home, I can tell you first hand, it is an enormous task. I wish my mom could go to assisted living after me taking care of her for 10 years, I am so tired as I have an adult son with severe autism as well, but she can't afford assisted living. It is a huge problem for our aging population. You truly need to be a millionaire to cover your care as you age, it is very scary.
81
The "Golden Years" are a joke.
And the joke's on us.
17
Very useful piece. We're in our getting late 70s and have taken many of the precautions recommended here. We have hired house cleaners who now help in the yard and belong to clubs that are always ready to lend a hand. Having a mobility problem I have become very interested in accessibility issues and am working with organizations and businesses to clean up their acts. So in house and out of house strategies are in synch. Finally, and this is important, learn to use on line services like "our friends" at Amazon. They save slipping and sliding and, like old Sears catalogs, introduce products that can be life savers and fun. And in these days of lunacy in Washington, try to avoid too much Trump. That bugger will give you a heart attack.
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Just one story. We moved my aging in-laws from Florida to our state when my father-in-law had health problems and my husband could not keep flying down there. We moved them to an independent living facility against my mother-in-law's will. We just took charge and got the move done. My mother-in-law was unhappy for 6 months and then slowly came around to enjoying the time spent with us and her grandchildren, having Sunday family dinners. She actually admitted she was happy she made the move- Something I thought I would never hear. And she was a social person and met lots of friends at her place. And when they each had their medical declines at least they were close to us so we could manage their care.
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“It’s money well spent and a lot cheaper than assisted living.” But surely most people would not be choosing between staying at home and assisted living. The alternative that is being missed is “independent living,” the preferred entry-level option available at Continuing Care Retirement Communities (CCRCs). Independent living would generally be both more appropriate and less expensive than assisted living.
7
Independent living facility can be pricey as well. The place my parents lived offered breakfasts and dinner and a wide array of services, shuttles to stores, help with groceries, a wellness center in the building for certain medical issues. Much more than an apartment rent.
12
The going rate I've seen is $2,000 - $3,000 per month.
6
The NY State system-Dept of Health & the Public Health & Health Planning Commission - are supposed to be stewards of the most vulnerable: the aging disabled.
They are not...in fact, Albany has been complicit with the worst predatory, so-called Assisted Living residences as well as the 'Rehabs' -which are de facto Nursing Homes that kick in as such after Medicare runs out.
Who of the readers of this column hasn't heard about Nursing Home/Assisted Living developer churns in NYC? Closings...real estate luxury housing repurposing...?
So what to do? We must demand- we who're aging in growing numbers-that Governor Cuomo change the reprehensible system now in place. This is a Governor who continues to defer to Nursing Home lobbyists such as Leading Age. He's been co-opted by malevolent consortia of Nursing Home chains that continue to understaff & overmedicate w/psychotropic drugs to keep their patients less troublesome.
The tsunami of the 'old-old' must avoid these too often dreadful places. Must be able to remain at home when possible. Must bolster aide care & hours to be made sufficiently available. Must be reimbursed/incentivized for the cost of maintaining a loved one (or ourselves-as we face our own dwindling years). We must insist that our taxpayer dollars be used to sustain ourselves in ethically decent ways.
The template for senior care in NY has been sold to the highest bidder, namely those who pay-to-play.
Concerned? Here's where you can make a difference.
16
There are two things not taken into consideration in this article- personality and dementia. When you go into a parent's home which they are used to running and being in control unless they have a very sweet disposition and are in command of understanding their changing reality your "suggestions" are going to be perceived as butting in and rebuffed. After many years of asking my parents, and then my widowed mother to move closer and then in with us we finally moved in with her after the children went off to college. From almost the beginning she resented our presence as my husband installed safety measures and I helped with food shopping and cooking. There were real problems- getting a horrible scald burn on her arm from a tea kettle- sneaking up and down flights of stairs to "check" things with macular degeneration- and finally locking herself out of the house while we were asleep. She fought us every step of the way as our attempts to help represented her failing abilities and loss of her fierce independence- in her own home. Our previously pleasant relationship deteriorated as her dementia took over- we were intruders trying to take over. "Get out of my kitchen"- "I'll call the police if you don't stop bothering me" screaming "No" while attempting to modestly help with showering- it will take me a long time to get these words out of my head. This is a huge issue that doesn't have a list of simple solutions.
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Please try to understand that dementia/aging can cause paranoia and frustration such that elderly parents can and do turn on their well-meaning children and say horrible things. My friend's father accused her of stealing when she simply tried to help him pay his bills so his electricity would not be cut off. This is not personal and doesn't reflect the "real" parent you know.
25
So true, and so hard. Good for you for doing your best despite the stress and challenges. My situation is similar and even though I KNOW it's the disease, the constant anger, harsh words, accusations and dangerous behaviors are so difficult. Those words ring in your head, but know that you are a good daughter, a good person.
22
All good thoughts, but.....it is extremely difficult when a parent is able to hide the truth of their existence. My Mother slid into dementia and was able to keep the extent of her delusions hidden until we heard from the police that she was calling 911 on a regular basis. Luckily the police were compassionate and helpful, and we got her placed in assisted living.
Now she is safe, busier and healthier than before. She is eating regular meals, taking her meds, and seeing other people.
It began to seem to me that aging in place can be as much of a myth as the one about being able to have it all. I wish we had been able to make changes earlier. And I was in the same city and saw her on a regular and frequent basis. I can’t imagine handling things long distance.
29
Looking back, I regret that my brother and I had as our first priority letting our mother "age in place."
10
check out the Golden Violin online catalogue, which is also a paper mail catalogue. They have hundreds of useful items and ideas for making your home moe accessible. My mom told me about it and I especially love the rolling trolly dolly which I use to haul a folding chair to festivals and outdoor events.
2
My boyfriend and I bought a home when we turned 50 and have made it our age-in-place home. We installed pull-out drawers in the lower kitchen cabinets, a grab bar next to commode in each bathroom, grab bars in shower in MBR. We have a ramp in the garage that leads to an interior door - we use it everyday. We've done some other things as well and it has been great for us and our visiting family. Every little bit helps as we age and I have had far too many family members go to a nursing home because they did not have a way to physically access their home. An added plus - our friends with disabilities can visit us. We are very glad we did this and are encouraging our parents to make some changes to their homes too.
21
cheaper to stay at home with paid helpers than move to assisted living? not if you need them for more than 10 hours a day
14
It is good to do the math when the situation presents itself. For my mother, an apartment rent with a live-in would have been cheaper than assisted living in our area. But she was then living not in an apartment but in an independent living facility where some services were provided and rent was quite high. She couldn't then also afford a live-in and stay there.
1
"I plan to" are famous last words.
My parents are Ms. Brody's contemporaries. They will begin this effort not a minute before she says "I did."
I look forward to part II of this article that describes the changes the author made to her home.
4
Occupational Therapy- this is what we do!
6
After having to move my elderly parents out of their home of 50 years,and gone through 4 agencies(one stole jewelry and charged personal items when Taking my mother shopping, the rest could not find ways to get in the door when my demented mother would lock them out). I reject all of the advice in your column I am sorry to say. Universities ban cooking in toaster ovens because they are fire hazards!
I am disappointed Jane Brody.
23
One other thing ... US housing developers put amenities in their communities, but necessities are on the periphery. Build villages instead. Put small shops for necessities (grocery, post office, hardware store, pub) in the CENTER of a development. Cluster senior housing around that.
69
This is so important, and the village idea suits everyone's needs as a way of reducing driving. Seniors, in particular, are best served in this setting.
13
Memo to bath designers:
Come up with rubber tile flooring that doesn’t look like a gym.
Offer serious padding for vinyl flooring.
Design zero clearance and BIFOLD shower doors so one can roll into a shower in a small bathroom.
If you do a “wet room,” have a shower enclosure of some sort for warmth.
And if you have frequent UTIs or bowel issues, install a Japanese bidet. It’s a warm water rinser worth the $400. UTIs can kill.
Thanks!
32
A bidet is a good idea, period, and one often missed in the US.
20
This approach, with lots of good advice, doesn’t even mention that fact that even aging people can also adapt themselves to improving aging. There are countless ways to improve balance, agility, and posture in old age. We know enough about neuroplasticity to know you don’t give up on the aging brain. Mindfulness can be just as good at preventing a serious fall as environmental and infrastructural precautions. I recommend “Younger Next Year” by Chris Crowley and Henry Lodge. Some elderly really are limited by illness and so on, but many of us (I’m mid-70) can, with some effort and discipline, lead very active and safe lives. And one more thing: my mother, who approaches 97 right now and lives on her own, hides the remote and gets up out of her chair to change the TV channels and volume. She also says the one flight of stairs she navigates is the best workout all day.
25
Would someone please define "senior citizen." I'm so sick and tired of being "lumped" in with other people based solely on age. I'm sixty-seven, can still wear a swimsuit (sans skirt!) and work out like a bandit: Spin. Boot camp. Free weights. And, yet, I'm constantly told: "Oh, you look so good...for your age!" I'm tempted to respond (but seldom do) with a sassy, snappy retort: "And what, pray telI, would that age be?" I'm constantly called "Sweetie" and "Dear" which, although, are not rude monikers in themselves, become very tiring to hear the whole live-long day. Americans were not always "ghetto-ized" by age. Rather, each family lived in a multi-generational home: Grandma had her own bedroom, kids to talk to and aunts and uncles and cousins galore. There was much respect afforded to everyone in the household and always a rapid response to a crisis, without seeking outside "help." What say we do a "double take" on age and stop the ugly stereotyping of our fellow citizens. After all, we're all "headed that way" in the end.
21
Billie: You seem to feel the need to defend against any notion that skin, energy and stamina and strength will deteriorate for you. But this article is about what to do when these things manifest. And as someone who thinks that the " modesty panel "in some suits is a nice option I see no reason to bring up that you do not need a skirted suit. This article is talking about tripping and falling, difficulty bathing and cooking and not feeling safe.
I think that one of the most important things brought up here are that even expensive modifications ( $50,000 range) are truly less expensive than many extra years in assisted living.
If you can get mom to stay out of the basement a huge danger is averted.
14
Journalists have deadlines to meet; you should do this, you should do that. Everyone's situation is different. History, interests, personality. You mostly have to figure it out for yourself. But, a condominium can be a reasonable compromise if you have neighbors who know you and a good maintenance crew to do the heavy repairs. None of this is perfect and you have to make do, improvise. But, that's the challenge. Mainly we all need to stay active; stay in shape - engaged in lifetime interests. Keep working on your trumpet, ride your bike, fix stuff. Run until you can't and then taper off and finally, walk. But keeep moving! And keep your fingers crossed. And avoid the doctors if at all possible. Not so sure re the vicarious grand children thing. Need to keep growing, moving forward.
13
Don’t forget the virtual villages that have sprung up in many places. They help connect you with seniors in your town to help avoid the isolation that can happen as we age, can’t safely drive anymore, friend and neighbors move on or pass away, children have their own lives or live out of town. Isolation can be the beginning of a downward spiral: skimping on nutritious meals you don’t feel like cooking for yourself anymore; loneliness leading to depression etc. Virtual villages like the first one on Beacon Hill in Boston and Avenidas Village in Palo Alto CA can help you make those important connections virtually and in person. Vetting of repair companies etc help protect seniors from shady dealings. What I like to call “Remaining safely in your own or a smaller home” (rather than Aging in Place - something bananas do) is not for everyone and you shouldn’t feel like a failure if you opt to move into a senior community. As a Senior Living Advisor I would advise exploring numerous options including staying safely in your home or downsizing to a more manageable single level condo, perhaps in a 55 community. It’s a big wide senior world outside of your personal sphere. Check it out.
11
Wish someone would address these issues: am an only child whose parents (healthy 86 and 82) are not only in their own home but a state away from where I lived with my family. Have literally begged them for over twelve years to move to our community. They could afford to do so easily. But will not. (We have looked at over 100 properties ranging from smaller homes to condos or townhouses...they are like Goldilocks--this one's too small, this one's too big, this one is on a lot they don't like... NOTHING is just right. I can look forward to one of them eventually getting ill, or hurt, or simply dying and enjoy the absolute hell that will ensue following that: the remaining parent, grief stricken and forlorn, having to move out under duress and in crisis; me handling everything, financially, emotionally, as well as figuring out a move, helping organize and pack up a house they have lived in for fifty years. (Have I mentioned neither uses a computer and only one, my mother uses a cell phone?) And I can manage all this, presumably while working a demanding, full time job here. While planning a daughter's wedding here, where we have lived for 40 years. Extended family? All have passed on or reside in Europe. Advice anyone? I can see this nightmare coming closer and closer...and see no actual solution. (Oh, and did I mention a partner with cancer as well?) Seriously, just shoot me. And thank you for letting me vent.
56
It's not easy for older people to leave their communities to move near grown children and grandchildren who often don't have time for them. They cut their connections and it's hard/impossible to rebuild them at an advanced age. They are not "old people", they are people!
One obvious thing you haven't mentioned is in-home help at their current location when they need it. I would like to gently point out that you are making an issue where none yet exists, rehearsing pain and anxiety when it may not be necessary. There is a middle ground between being unprepared and obsessive worry.
23
Now that you’ve vented, get a grip. They aren’t children. Until they become incompetent, they make their own decisions. Deal with it and don’t borrow trouble. While death is certain, disability is not. Start playing things by ear. Lighten up. Otherwise they might outlive you.
36
I was in a similar situation- only child and in another state - but my parents were living in NYC in a coop apartment not a house and didn't want to move closer to me for all of the reasons people enumerate. They were a few years older than your parents and my mother had already given up driving. Over time I persuaded them that it was better to move closer to me while they were healthy and able to do things as they could choose where to live, engage in activities, and build a life together so that if and when something happened to one of them I would not have to move the one parent in a crisis situation to an unfamiliar place and at a time when options might be limited. Eventually they came around to this. So they finally agreed to move to a lovely independent living facility near me where they had a large enough apartment and many services (breakfasts and dinners and concierge service, wellness center,e tc). They were very very happy there for 7 years and in fact made many friends there and enjoyed it. Best thing for our family.
11
Inevitably, we're all going 'in the wrong direction'. I would actually look forward to a modest, affordable, well-run independent-to-assisted living reminiscent of the fun of living in a college dorm. And, a ceramics studio onsite would be heaven...
14
It would be glorious if the most famous septuagerion in the country were to be forced to relinquish his tax paid benefits while in the White House and retire permanently to Mar-a-Lago. We could all benefit from a little extra cash in our pockets and a lot less stress in our lives.
58
We went thru this with my Mom, mother and father in law, and my aunt. All had a different journey, from staying in home to assisted living. In WA State we have licensed adult family homes which proved to be perfect for my aunt and mother in law. A house in the burbs is converted to a retirement/assisted living center, can hold up to 6 residents. In our state they are generally owned by Filipino and Romanian families, who also live in the house. You get your own bedroom, private half bath, and have full run of the house so you feel like you are living at home. 3 meals a day, someone is on call 24 hours, they leave you alone or tend to your needs as you wish. It's still pricey, starting at 4K a month, but are a far better alternative than a large institution, especially in dementia cases. Most are gorgeous homes in great neighborhoods. My aunt did the perfect run down to her passing at 90...house to condo to retirement condo in over 55 village to adult family home, selling and giving away things as she downsized. We laughed about her getting rid of everything, but now I see how wise she was. She was relentless and fearless to the end, no emotional ties. Also, the 20+ kinds of dementia we can get in our old ages are the wild cards that frequently throw all plans for independence out the window. If we are lucky to have homes that are paid for, it is those houses that have to be sold to pay for our care. Your home is the final asset.
28
Get rid of my antique oriental "throw" rugs? I don't think so.
13
But do put a proper pad underneath to protect the rug and also protect you.
9
Hang those smaller oriental rugs on the wall. Do not trip.
9
Another good piece from Jane Brody. My wife and I have passed age 75 years. We are still fully active: I work part-time, mostly from home, as a blindness researcher in a med school and my wife still does most housework. (She does most inside work and I do dishes and trim the dog's nails; she does lawn mowing and I do gardening and all other outside work.)
We have investigated assisted living/"senior living" outside of our home; so far, we found only poor options. All we've seen are very institutional. I now think being with only old people and care-givers would itself be depressing.
My wife favors aging-in-place. We will continue doing that as long as we can.
25
Why is the article referring to “assisted living” as THE option which is for the individual that can no longer complete the tasks of daily living? Formerly called “the nursing home”. There are many apartment arrangements for those just needing someone to look in on them.
18
There are degrees of assisted living. My grandparents started with one where they had their own apartment with small kitchen, but there was also a dining hall, shared laundry facilities, and medical assistance available on site, as well as regular van trips so they could go shopping, etc. without having to drive as their eyesight deteriorated. Lots of group social activities available, etc. but they still had their privacy, their own furniture, etc.
5
I’ve read so many of these pieces about aging-in-place, including this one, which fail to confront perhaps the single strongest reason not to do so: easing the burden of aging parents which falls on distant children. As much as we might love to age-in-place in a home and location we love, we cannot ignore that doing so places an enormous burden on children who live on the other coast (for example), and who shouldn’t - or can’t - pick up and move closer to grandparents. It also ignores the fact that although we would love to age-in-place, we would deprive ourselves of the ability to spend frequent quality time with grandkids, seeing their soccer games, their performances, and talking with them about their teen love lives, their college decisions, etc.
Sometimes - perhaps often - aging-in-place is simply not an option if we want to preserve or grow family ties separated by a continent. So, in the waning years of our lives, we need to give up our wonderful homes and move ourselves to circumstances which both ease the burden on our children and offer priceless together-time with our grandkids.
56
Bless your hearts. Please talk to my parents.
18
I realize that people have different financial capabilities but for those who can afford it senior residential places are the best. There are independent apartments. It is not all assisted living until you need it. And seniors should remember they have income from the sale of their residence. Many senior places are rentals so they are more affordable than people think if they don't check it out. And companionship and activities is very important. Plus getting good meals and dining with neighbors every day.
13
My fantasy is to build a small home with wide doorways, lip-less shower, large kitchen and living room...and four on-site casitas. One for a live in care-giver, and the other three for my older female friends. Each casita would have a small kitchen and living room. We could have pets, independence, dignity, and fun! My mother died as a result of poor care after a stroke in a nursing home. Not a route I want. Nor anyone cllose to me I know this is a dream, but perhaps doable! Think of the fun living among friends in small quarters yet having big dinners, parties, and freedom to live out our lives independently yet have the bonus of a social situation at hand.
43
I may not agree 100% with the writer but she provides a very valuable service by helping many folks and their families "to have that discussion"
There is no one solution for everyone.
We baby boomers will challenge our national resources based on the sheer numbers of us approaching these critical years.
We need to find a way to make living in assisted living facilities more affordable without leaving a massive debt load for the generations behind us.
17
I think its a mistake to place high value on staying in the same house. Isolation, depression, and loneliness can ensue if you live by yourself in your old familiar house but your only social contact is from a healthcare agency. As neighbors move away, seniors no longer have ties to the people around them. The group that routinely met to play golf or cards no longer is around. Traffic gets worse, and seniors can't safely drive to shop or eat out or visit friends a few miles away. Moving to a place where you have a chance to meet new people would bring safety as well as mental stimulation and social interaction.
45
Induction stoves are great for seniors (or anyone) who might be forgetful about turning burners off. The stoves use magnetic friction to heat up and ,won't start fires. You will have to get a set of cookware that is compatible (if a magnet can stick to the pan it will work) but that is a small price to pay for safety.
18
I live in a CCRC in Lantana Florida, the average age here is 92, with several 100 year olds. I made the decision at age 80, my wife was resistant. After 2 days of "worry free" living, she said you were right to make the move. It is not cheap and if you can afford it do it. Many people come to look, but, say "I'm not ready yet". When does one get ready? There is an open door, that closes when many are ready.
22
Not very helpful article because it is so lacking in details.
Here's a list of must-do's
1. Remove the tub and install a walk-in lip-less shower with firmly attached steel bars for holding on to. Buy a ADA approved shower chair to sit on. This is at least 10k to do by the way. More if you want fancy. Many seniors dont do this because of the expense but it is ESSENTIAL for safety.
2. Stairs are the most common serious accident issue that will put a senior in a nursing home in which they never return home again. Since most homes are two storey and/or have a basement, this is a major issue. Therefore bedroom has to be on main floor. Even if it means putting a bed in the living room or dining room. If you want to age-in-place, you have to make your home one level.
3. Throw rugs are mentioned in the article but my elderly parents absolutely refused to remove them. And this was after both had knee replacements and one had a major hip replacement. And they both are having greater mobility issues with every year. There was no logic to them wanting to keep the throw rugs. So they are still sitting there on the floor.
4. Steps into the house are a MAJOR issue, often with no simple fixes. Steel Ramps that are ADA approved are found on Amazon but they only work if you have sufficient room for them to sit correctly. Falling is a major issue and it only takes one fall on steps to end a life or seriously compromise a person's independence.
17
- The best time to get rid of throw rugs is before you buy them, irrespective of your age.
- For stairs, it is a good idea to have a second handrail installed: that's what I did, so now I have no trouble going up and downstairs (even when my knee hurts), and my bedroom is still upstairs.
- Instead of carrying your laundry to the basement in a basket, put it in a pillow case and throw it down, then walk downstairs with one hand on each handrail.
- Bathtub: I stopped using that years ago, when I noticed that getting in was easy, and getting out extremely difficult. A regular shower will do (but pay attention to how you lift your feet to get in and out).
Selling "safety devices" to old people is big business. Use your head; ask yourself: "Do I really need this?"
25
I turned 77 yesterday. Moved to an independent living 2b/2b apt with balcony 6 months ago. I'm single, no children. Have given up no independence, joy of living home alone by moving here. But yesterday early evening, after a birthday luncheon at fav restaurant, home and feeling horrible. With heart failure, I wondered is this "IT" should I be racing to ER, again, or it food poisoning or too rich eating, or anxiety attack, it was clear what I gained when I pressed 0 on inhouse phone and minutes later Nurse Practitioner in my bedroom, security had opened door for him. He had wheeled up a portable mini ER case, did tests, talked with me, made suggestions, brought me a cold drink from my fridge. 20 minutes later back as he said to call if x reaction happened. It did, was given a pill and more instructions. No trip to hospital, no notifying friend who really can't do anything at this point, and no agonizing : do I go to ER, is this the heart attack? or stay home and get sicker. I have no way of overstating the value of this service and peace of mind.
82
We installed a chair lift because one of us can no longer climb the stairs. Without it, the person could not reach the shower on the second floor, and the first floor powder room is too small to add a shower. I'm surprised that Medicare picks up zero of the cost. It seems that staying at home is probably cheaper for the health care system in the long run, but evidently is an option only for those with the funds to pay a contractor to make necessary modifcations.
11
This article has a great motive - I am moving to 66 - but rather little content. More like passing the baton to Ms.Shrager. Also the tone could be less gloomy & more cheerful. We like to see our sunset years as the best years of our long lives...
7
This is the usual: how to change the home. But how about changing the occupant? If older people exercise, they can prevent muscle wasting (sarcopenia) and continue to live independently.
Editor’s note: This comment has been anonymized in accordance with applicable law(s).
22
A lot of us do just that: exercise; but people are not aware of it because we don't quite look the way we are supposed to: to many people, being 75 or older means walking with a cane or a walker and complaining about this, that and the other thing. Neighbors who see us talking a walk everyday or sweating in the garden (pulling weeds) tend to assume we are in our sixties or early seventies.
8
My mother just came home Tuesday from rehab after she had stroke brought on (probably) by a genetic defect. Swimming three times a week and living an active life didn't trump genetics. Or even bad luck. Most of the rehab patients were stroke victims like my mother--one of them a fit woman in her twenties. One man had both legs amputated above the knee in an accident--is exercise going to prevent that?
Exercise ups your odds of remaining healthy and independent. It doesn't guarantee it. Meanwhile grab bars in the bathroom help people of any age avoid debilitating accidents.
15
This article does not address the expense of having home health aides. After the elder reaches a certain point, home health aides are a must. At $24-$36 per hour, the cost is astronomical. Real estate taxes and house maintenance are burdensome. Assisted living with a high level of care becomes much less expensive . If one lives long enough, eventually, staying in the house is not sustainable unless one lives in a low tax area with several close relatives who live in the same town and are willing to spend a lot of time helping.
21
As a geriatric care manager (GCM), I can tell Ms Brody and anyone else who will listen that insisting on "aging in place," i.e. your home or apartment will cost far more than modifications to add grab bars, ramps and accessible bathrooms.
While engaging a caregiver for "a few hours a week" may be financially manageable, if/when you need caregivers 24/7
it's minimally $20,000 a month. That's in Lincoln NE. In NYC?
Unless you have family ready, willing, able and nearby to help manage your care, you may need a geriatric care manager...like me. But that's pricey too. We charge less than $100/hr but GMCs on east and west coasts charge double that. True we keep people safe, honor their wishes (within reason), practice preventive care to manage chronic illness, and usually keep people out of the hospital. But we're pricey.
So what's to do?
We recommend, if you have adequate assets, that you get thee to a safe place before you are 80. Find the best retirement center you can afford and make the move while you are still in control. Engage a GCM if you need help managing your care. You may be surprised to find that you like your new digs....and join the chorus: "I should have done this a long time ago."
If your assets are moderate or quite limited, call the Area Agency on Aging in your area. This federal program offers sliding scale care management services that are invaluable in helping seniors make a plan. But make a plan you must. That way you stay in control.
60
My parents live in NJ and have a live-in caregiver. While she may be "off the grid", we pay about $4,500 per month to her with 4 days off (my two sisters and I rotate caring for our parents on her days off). Even if we went with a professional agency, the day rate was about $250, so that's about $7,500. I am not sure how you are getting $20,000 per month for live in care.
17
This is such a great response. My mother, who is 80, positvely refuses to leave her home for reasons I cannot understand. Yes, she "loves" her house, but she cannot take care of it, or herself, and on top of it refuses outside help. To have peace of mind would mean everything to me, her I cannot understand.
9
My experience is that you can make suggestions but don’t count on them. My father reacted with outrage and tears about clearing up the clutter after mom died. He has gone, but I am still clearing up 20 years of stuff in my spare time.
My advice is to let them live as they wish and what will happen will happen. Try to mitigate dangers but you can’t force them to change. Let them live as they wish until the end.
57
Your parents, in my opinion, have a very, very good child (son or daughter, your comment does not say). (Personally, I thought of the clutter and started "decluttering" last year.)
19
I have begun to pester my husband about making changes to our home, or moving, before we turn 70 in 10 years or so. The onus of planning and making accommodations should not be the responsibility of adult children. Come on Boomers, let’s get with it and behave responsibly instead of burdening our children.
58
I am almost 60 and I still have the same energy and many interests and curiosity I had when I was in my 30's. My nightmare is just one: going to spend my future years in a nursing home or, WORSE, with a married child. Independence is the soul of my existence and I want it more than anything else. At same time I know that to maintain that autonomy I have to stay ahead of the game, so I exercise my body and my mind with one important element in it: enjoyment.
19
Forget your "nightmare"; it's not going to happen unless you let it happen. I would guess that the people who end up in nursing homes are those who shared their time between visits to doctors and watching TV, with nothing else inbetween to keep them alive. If there are statistics or studies on the subject, I doubt that they would be widely published. Just keep going, you will be all right!
8
My mom is 62, she is very independent, she still works and likes to travel. I am her only child and I, at one point, will have to care for her. I've lived in New York for the past 11 years, I'm married and starting a family, my mom lives alone in Argentina. She does not want to move to America and live with me and my husband. It has been a serious discussion we've had for the last couple of years. She does not speak English and every time she comes visit she has a hard time adjusting and gets homesick. In the future, it's going to be very hard for her, but her moving in with me is the only solution I can come up with. I would never even consider putting my mother in a home. I can only hope she keeps healthy for a long time.
5
Keep enjoying your delusions. Today would have been my mother's 97th birthday. She died 3 years ago after widowhood, becoming a huge fall risk, and quickly descending into dementia the last year of her life.
She did not just go to doctors and watch TV, yet her quality of life declined as she aged. If my teenager and I hadn't lived with her, she'd have been in a nursing facility.
Were our lives stressful and impacted as a result? You bet! As much as you love your parents, you need to intervene if they're a danger to themselves.
4
If anyone needs to clear out burdensome clutter start ASAP. It's one of the toughest jobs there is. However the freedom and peace of mind that comes from doing so is priceless.
Also, be sure to have a Will. You never know.
30
Renovating my 86 year-old father's house (a new bedroom on the ground floor so he could avoid the stairs, grab rails, walk-in-bathtub, etc) was a piece of cake compared to getting him to give up his car keys.
42
The paradigm presumed in this article is a house, but an apartment is much easier to manage: no basement, no driveway, no need at all to go outside in extreme weather, because everything can be delivered. And in many cases, there is a doorman or other building staff to help.-- Of course this is a paradigm that presumes a comfortable bourgeois life, an elevator building, and other amenities. But it's worth mentioning to complete the examples in this piece.
31
A very good point. Apartments make more sense then a full size home.
11
I think Manhattan is one of the best places for retirement, obviously if one can afford it. I am single, plan on selling my current walk up apartment and my second "home" (more of an investment rental property) and buy an apartment with an elevator (no stairs), a doorman and hopefully full service staff. Food and other services are a phone call (or click) away. Taxis and Uber are abundant so no need to drive. We have the best doctors and hospitals right here. We have parks, gyms and an abundance of culture to keep us physically active and mentally stimulated.
9
At any age, in my opinion.
4
You make no mention of dementia. A missed opportunity. My dad is physically healthy at 88. He walks miles most days. The problem is that he wants no part of assisted living (jail) and does not want to leave his city. He does not realize how compromised and difficult he has become. Our latest issue is that he wants to go on a trip. He is not able to make a plan, but is capable of buying a ticket and boarding a train or bus. He can make immediate decisions, like getting food for lunch, but not capable of planning past the next few hours. He relies on the generosity of strangers.
24
I think all these super healthy older people (God bless them) are missing the point. 2.5 million older Americas (65+) suffer fractures each year. 300,000 are hospitalized every year for hip fractures (CDC) And even relatively minor fractures increase mortality and morbidity. So absolutely stay active, eat right, avoid social isolation. But, its both frightening and frustrating to watch your loved ones getting frailer and frailer. And still refusing to allow any modifications to the bathroom, et al. My aging relatives want to stay in their home, and its just dumb not to maximize their potential to do that. A change will come when there is a crisis. And that's sad.
16
"avoid social isolation": I disagree. "Social isolation" is a blessing; it is what keeps me from wasting hours listening to nonsense on the telephone.
I once took an "adult class" precisely as a way to avoid "social isolation". What I saw was women of all ages endlessly rehashing their personal miseries while the "teacher" was telling us all about her divorce (he cheated on her with a colleague) and her four children (one of them was or had been on drugs, lost his driver's license, so she had to drive him to work and back everyday). The class was about learning how to draw.
9
Thank you for writing this. the biggest problem however, is that the majority of seniors do not have the money to either move into assisted living or hire aides. Communal co-housing and other shared housing situations that address the needs of both the able and disabled can be another part of the solution to staying in one's home. Giving up part of your home is difficult for many seniors, but when you can't climb up the darn stairs anyway and you're alone to boot, it's time rent out the upstairs, or do 'care trade' for housing. Safety issues and downsizing are easier when there's another person around - not to mention companionship and mutual assistance in times of need.
32
How did we all get here so quickly? A chrisis in most of our lives.There must be a way to navigate through all of this. If anyone figures it out...please let me know.
5
My parent is in her late 80s. She lives in her own home. There have already been many falls including one that was terribly dangerous. She will read this article and think it confirms staying home alone was a good idea. But she'll never see the comments that suggest that, for many, remaining in one's home alone doesn't make sense. For her, reading the NYT is done exclusively on actual paper. That's unfortunate because, for her, I think it's unsafe.
14
Exactly. My mother stills lives in the home she purchased with my father 54 years ago. My father left the house feet first as he had intended, and my mother will not leave either. This despite 2 serious falls in the past 6 months, broken bones, and injuries requiring 3 surgeries. I can only do so much from across the country. Nag all I want, it makes no difference. Some day the call will come that I do not want to receive, and that will be that.
13
Although I did my duty and held my tongue, emotionally I was angry at my 80+ mother for forcing me and my siblings into taking care of her so she could stay in her home as she wanted. we pitched in on maintenance and upkeep, but it was the health crises (fall, breaks, pneumonia, ambulances in the middle of the night and hospital stays) that really took a toll. Those who lived closer bore a heavier burden and those at a distance suffered a whole lot of guilt and angst. This went on for the better part of ten years. We took her on many tours of senior facilities but in her mind she wasn't old - they were. I vow never to make the same mistakes and set myself up as best I can in my senior years so my children, friends and relatives are not put in the same position of having to be my pseudo health care providers.
24
As usual, Ms. Brody assumes we readers all come from families with parents and grown children who talk with one another and share their lives, ups and downs included. What of so many Americans, like myself, who fled dysfunctional, cruel families, have no children, and face older age alone in a society obsessed with youth, tech and money? Or just older people whose families were small, are long gone, and whose friends have also passed? The fact is that American society is cruel and unsupportive of those alone. “Family values” only apply to those with families. Barbara Ehrenreich’s book is a source of inspiration and comfort to me. It helped me face my mortality and gave me peace about dying in place.
92
What is the name of the book by Barbara Ehrenreich’ to which you refer please? Many thanks, in advance.
3
YES! I too love Barbara Ehrenreich's books. Glad to meet another fan, even so briefly!
3
I too am a home health occupational therapists who helps 70 year olds after
Maybe write Fewer articles on how we should manage our parents and MORE articles on how we should manage **ourselves.**
I noticed the author “plans to“ make changes, but has not.
14
Please look at Johns Hopkins University Professor Sarah Szanton's CAPABLE program. It's spreading across the country. Also the PACE programs (Programs for All-Inclusive Care of Elders) are available in some communities to help keep older adults in their own homes. Additional innovative models of care developed by nurses can be found at http://www.aannet.org/initiatives/edge-runners
9
Safety for the elderly? If you live long enough you will die of something. The Gregorian date on which you die WILL honor Jesus Christ, an historical figure who per considerable evidence including hundreds of eyewitness died and was resurrected. He did so for the sins of humankind to provide eternal life in the Kingdom of God to those who accept him as their savior.
No less an intellect than Blaise Pascal was deeply concerned with those who failed to accept Christ as their savior as they peered into the abyss of eternity. That was also true of Augustine and Thomas Aquinas, two staggering intellects.
Nonetheless, you say there is something anti-intellectual about Christianity? The initial major universities in Western Civilization were created by Christians seeking truth and Truth, the capitalized being the non-material or spiritual form.
Those who scoff believe in many things they cannot prove with certainty. One question to ponder is which version of the Truth will be in your heart at your final goodbye. That is that goodbye to those who reside in this dimension. Goodbye itself is a contraction from the Middle Ages of God be with ye. If you are willing, give it some thought. At a minimum it is likely to be a fascinating exercise.
4
Two words--grab bars. They rule. In the bathroom, I have one lengthwise in the shower, another across from the john. I also had the bathroom remodeled to make the shower ground level, not five inches up. No--it doesn't leak. My knee are very arthritic and I have poor balance--If I must cross an open space with nothing to touch or grab, I count my steps to stay mindful...I may sound like the Rain Man, but it works.
31
And, bathroom fixtures (towel bars, toilet paper holder and, etc)) that look "normal" but are really ADA grab bars are great. Bathroom plumbing fixture companies have expanded into this and you now have attractive choices beyond the clunky white plastic or institutional look.
8
Three years ago at age 68, I moved back to the South of my youth, making big changes in the type of housing I now have. My former home was a condo with three stories and a garage on the bottom floor. My current home has only step if I use the garage entrance, a place that could be easily adapted for a ramp. The main entrance has one step up to the porch and one to the interior.
A wide slider door to the screened porch could be adapted with a ramp easily if I ever need it. Meanwhile, it is only one step lower than the house and one step down to the outdoors.
Rather than carry things around the yard and house, I invested in a folding cart that can move 100 pounds. For the yard, I also have a combination seat/cart with an interior compartment and a long handle.
I insist on small rugs at the doors, but they have anti-slip pads under them. Asking people not to wear shoes in my house means less dirt and therefore less cleaning.
If I insist on climbing a ladder, I usually call a friend to let them know I am doing so and then again to let them know I am safe.
Good lighting is also imperative. Even though my eyesight is better than ever after cataract surgery, I need more light to read small print and to avoid running into doorways and arches.
As I have only one adult child who lives over 800 miles away, I have to take care of myself. That includes keeping my home safe as well as comfortable.
67
Would add that it is also important to recognize that mobility aides may be required. How many falls would be avoided if only people had used that cane or walker?
Particularly when it comes to the bathroom, the "most dangerous" place. It's not only in the bathroom. Too many people fall GETTING TO the bathroom.
I'm working on upgrading the lowly bedside commode so that it is an respectable substitute for a flush toilet ( see www.facebook.com/ThePPAL). If they had an attractive night-time alternative, more people might choose this as a safety precaution. Think of the pain and suffering avoided. Not to mention the costs that find their way into all of our premiums.
I've come to learn that equipment manufacturers want "proof of market" before taking the risk of innovating outdated designs. One important indicator of "market" would be for Medicare and Medicaid to see equipment innovation in terms of optimizing Functional Independence for those with mobility-related disabilities.
13
I couldn't access your page. But I think the existing product called a "cassette toilet" would address this issue.
2
The article is far better than the book, which is patronizing and simplistic. Most of the suggestions have already appeared in ladies' magazine articles. And I recommend strongly that "experts" on aging speak to those of us who are aging, not to our children or younger friends. There's nothing so demeaning us being "talked about" while we're in the room. I'm smart and involved in making my own life changes anyway.
34
Stay with your parents a few days… Then everyone’s happy!
This is so unrealistic to believe that you can get parents who refuse to make changes to suddenly be agreeable after a few days visit.
28
One thing is for sure, if you plan on getting old, be sure to bring your wallet.
126
There is no good solution to life in decline. But I walk walk walk, determined to not be a burden on my son.
28
As a 64 year old, I've been decluttering my home for years. I am an avid reader, but saving and piling books on the floor was replaced with donating them to charities. I have no throw rugs and my house slippers firmly fit my feet-no more terrycloth sliders. I cook for 4 people tops so big appliances are either placed where I have everyday access to them; no more reaching for them on an upper shelf-made worse using a step stool. Yes, I have already installed a safety bar in my shower. I might be able bodied but even fatigue can make one wobbly. All of these changes have made my place easier to clean and I love it.
32
After a fair amount of living abroad and a consideration of health statistics and other information, I now believe, rightly or wrongly, that the American way of life, particularly the way we eat, is dangerous to my health. It was not always so, but since my youth has come to be designed by corporations primarily to make them lots of money.
14
How about maintaining some physical fitness so that you don't run into all these issues...?
6
Yeah, but if you stick around long enough, something is going to get you. Focus on extending quality years in the middle, not the difficult and expensive years at the end.Unfortunately, despite whatever practices we may implement and whatever we may wish, hope, or think, we do not get to write the end of the story.
26
My post-hip replacement roommate was 49 year old elite runner who had just had a double hip replacement. I am sure that her rehab went well because she was already in great shape but staying fit doesn’t always allow you to avoid joint replacement, debilitating arthritis or other pitfalls of aging and illness.
30
Sorry, so self righteous. I was 63, working out daily during the week, when I slipped and fell in my own home and broke my pelvis. Sometime things just happen. Oh, and I walked the dog 3 miles a day just because I enjoy walking with the dog.
16
Dealing with the physical and emotional symptoms of aging is a challenge for both aging parents and their adult children. Support, however, is not limited to expensive home aides and senior housing communities. A great in-between option if you’re lucky enough to live by one is a village organization. I volunteer at Ashby Village, one in a growing network, that offers neighborhood-based social opportunities based on member interest AND help with day-to-day chores. We can help members go to the doctor, feed their pets while they’re away, do yard work, change lightbulbs, go grocery shopping, or even just hang out or talk on the phone. And that’s just a sampling of available services! It’s a great way to grow aging family members’ social circles as well as an easy way to get help with stuff that, frankly, I would love, even in my 40’s. It’s fun, it’s practical, and annual membership fees (which can be subsidized in some cases) are affordable. I pay more for the plane ticket to visit my husband’s 90+ grandparents on the east coast. Why aren’t we hearing more about villages? I know membership is in my future...http://www.ashbyvillage.org
18
Thanks for another excellent article!!
We wanted to downsize to a smaller home near family while we could do it with less or no assistance – a 1400 mile move at ages 73 and 76. It was easier to select the “keepers” from a small pile with the rest going out to the categories in the article as well as to recycle. We didn’t have to think about organizing or decluttering since they happened almost automatically with less stuff. It also is easier for me to toss unused articles, books, etc. when I ask myself “if I can’t keep up with current reading, will I really go back to this” or “will I look at this, or do an online search.” Some advantages: happier with less; more time for experiences; enjoying the present; sharing things – rather than leaving as inheritance; having control over where things go; less risk of tossing historical items that should go to archives or valuable art, jewelry, etc.
16
One thing this article does not address is the social aspect of aging in-place. As seniors (I am one in my 70's), we tend to become less mobile. There are also less of us as our friends and neighbors die off or must move. So we have fewer interactions with others, including our very busy children raising their own families with limited time, and also some distance from their parents.
There is an excellent NY Times article that talks about loneliness and its effect on a senior's health.
https://www.nytimes.com/2016/12/30/health/loneliness-elderly.html
My mother-in-law, who was in her 80's aged in-place and lived 60 miles away, until one day we got a telephone call telling us she heard a voice in the house. She realized it was her voice and she had not spoken to anyone in over a week. We both quickly realized it was time for her to relocate somewhere closer to her children and where she could socialize with others.
Aging-in-place is not always the panacea it portends to be.
49
My husband and I live in an isolated area where the medical care (to be kind) is left wanting. My ophthalmologist here wanted me to see a more specialized ophthalmologist to confirm his diagnosis. To do this, we had to travel 150 miles. My husband and I always said that when our medical needs exceeded this area's resources, it was time to move. We spent the last year and a half wandering South Florida like nomads sans camels seeking a similar environment but with excellent medical care reasonably available. We had long past that euphemistic red line in needing more and different medical care but in the end, decided to stay where we are and accept the difficulty and expense of traveling long distances for anything more sophisticated than an aspirin. I fear that there will come a time when we will have to move and be physically and cognitively unable to handle the complicated tasks required. Our one story four room cottage will become our prison. We have no relatives, no one to help us. I have said we have made the decision to die here but it is because we would be unable to go anywhere else.
17
Interesting. My mother in law also said she would die in her apartment. Nature does not always listen to our wishes. Alas, after 3 years of very expensive skilled nursing, you can guess the outcome.
8
I’ve been living most of my adult life in the heart of the Silvering Society of Japan. Approaching 50, I am inspired by the 80-100 year old demographic in the neighborhood. They are active in their gardens, community sports clubs, gardens, volunteering and light post-retirement jobs. Very few of my generations’s counterparts State-side could keep their pace. Culturally, multi-generations living together is not taboo, but the number that live independently defies US logic - I look learn, live, and grow through them every day!
28
Reading the comments here, I see many people have houses, gardens, and, most importantly, children.
For those of us with apartments, no gardens, and especially, no children, many of these comments and suggestions are totally useless.
Also, I live in NYC, a block from the subway, within a block of many restaurants and food stores.
And what some people consider clutter, I think of as my collections -- though I did recently sell off my pulp magazine collection.
30
Mr. Porter gets a thumbs up from a fellow apartment dweller - in Manhattan (a renter). Living in a small apartment, alone & elderly has its challenges especially in a hi-rise building. Think of living on an upper floor & the elevator goes out for days (I chose the 5th floor which was wise). Think about loss of heat & hot water (& sometimes when the water is scalding hot); the need to change a light bulb; being alone in the daytime when most of the neighbors are at work, their kids are at school or the nanny takes the little ones out for the day. You have to wait along with your neighbors in an understaffed 1930s-era multifamily building with maybe one maintenance guy on call to address the multiplicity of aging plumbing and electric systems along with the rest of the infrastructure.
There are times when my neighbors are away on vacation, visiting family, on business & my only alarm about people in the corridor is my dog. There is comfort in having neighbors, markets, shops, pharmacies & transportation not far from your front door. All these are balanced by the general anomie of living in a mega-city in an area & building with constantly changing owners & tenants. Traffic on the streets around me are death dealers. When owners want the elderly out of their rent-regulated apartments, those owners turn into pit bulls on 2 legs. Apartment living meets the needs of many New Yorkers, which is why so many of us have been aging in our units for decades. It has pluses & minuses.
17
Depends on your POV...I moved to AZ 22 yrs ago to take care of my mother. Now I am living in a house in the burbs, staring at a cactus and too broke to move back to Washington DC, even if my friends and life were waiting for me, which they are not. You are in the city! I am jealous.
4
Fortunately, although I didn't plan it, I've been in my rent-controlled apartment since 1968, longest resident in this building of 68 apartments. A non-eviction co-op conversion in 1987. My building was built in 1883, but "modernized" in the 1930s, when they took out those unwanted (at the time!) fireplaces, and the architectural flourishes that made the exterior far better than it is today.
I've built relationships with people here and in the neighborhood, and am connected through the computer with people and friends around the world. So though my world is much smaller on the outside, its larger on the inside!
3
At the risk of sounding selfish, another reason to start thinking about how you plan to handle aging is for your children. My mother was always very healthy, active, ate well, and loved her home of 40 years that she had filled with things she loved. Then in 2014 dementia hit. It took me two years to get her out of her house, and now I am trying to figure out how I'm going to handle cleaning out the house. I'm an only child with young children of my own, a husband, full time job, etc. It has been the most stressful and emotionally challenging thing I've ever confronted. When I say the house is filled, I'm not exaggerating. My mother wasn't a hoarder. She just liked nice stuff. Due to the overwhelming time and effort it will take to get rid of everything, the house has been simply sitting since I moved her out. For years I begged her to start getting rid of things and she always agreed that she needed to clean out, but never did.
The good news is that she adjusted well to her dementia unit and continues to be healthy and enjoys the socializing. The bad thing is the $180 a day cost. Fortunately she had a pension and I am able to pay the shortfall. I'm happy to do this. If I ever get the house cleaned out and rented that will help with the cost of her care, but I honestly think she will pass before I get it done.
21
There are companies that specialize in house clean outs. It'd be worth checking in with them.
You'll feel better; the process will go more easily; and the house can go on the market sooner.
One key is to not reminisce over each item, but categorize things as worth keeping, recycling, donating, tossing, or good for auction. The companies can help you with that.
You can venture down nostalgia lane later!
28
You are so right about decluttering services. I worked with a crew (several days spread out over a month since I had other commitments too) in my late parents' home when I realized I was getting nowhere. That was just what was needed. For instance they knew other services that would come get still useful stuff (one company, for instance, takes old trophies and refurbishes them for schools). Plus they listened as I talked about my sweet memories of our beloved parents and family home. So worth it.
17
Why not take a few treasured items and then donate the rest of the contents to a local consignment or estate group? You’ll get a nice tax write off and it will be done.
8
A good article that I intend to share with a couple of my senior friends - I am one too, fast approaching 70 and living alone.
I am lucky in not having clutter because I move around so much.
I spend six months of a year in a better climate where it is not too hot or cold.
For the past 3 years, I have spent winters in Mumbai, India - though it will end soon. Last summer was London and I just moved to Bogota, Colombia.
All this to tell you that every place I rent, my first request is to remove as much furniture as they can. I rent a 2 bedroom apartment and convert the second bedroom in my tv room.
I get a big tv and the best WiFi available. Also, I employ staff to take care of things that I do not want to or just simply am not interested.
As to safety, I put emergency phone numbers on a kitchen door with instructions on whom to call and in what order.
I join some expat groups to stay connected and attempt to pick up local languages to get my brain engaged.
This last item of a table top small oven is something I will now definitely employ as it makes a lot of sense.
So, here is a tip to declutter. Think you are moving and think what would you like to have near you that makes you feel comfortable.
In my case, now over the years, I have found I need to take nothing but clothes and shoes. And in a couple of years, I am thinking of stocking up at every place I spend six months.
10
I wish I could do this! Was bi-coastal US keeping same west rental, too much stuff now consolidated!
Finally learned to write not only date but state on everything, food and personal care items, that helped.
Still clearing duplicates, consolidating files, how to rich people cope??
4
Their personal staffs take care of it all!
4
One person's “clutter" may be another person's cherished mementos. Sometimes it’s all he or she has to remember of their life, experiences and memories. It’s part of them in a very real sense. Therfore it’s arrogant that someone, even a close relative, should come in and simply "clean house".
As for making your home more aged-friendly- there are many seniors, especially in New York City, who live in both public and private apartments where physical changes (beyond such things as grab bars and non-slip rugs) are difficult, impossible or costly. The question of accessibility is crucial. If the apartment both interior and exterior is not wheelchair accessible then the person is essentially trapped there. For such things as building wheelchair ramps the regulations are sometimes unclear or even conflicting as to what is required and who pays for it. The New York City Commission on Human Rights Law Enforcement Bureau and the Mayor’s Office for People with Disabilities can be contacted for assistance or if a resident has been rejected after making an accessibility request.
6
This approach sounds fine -- but "A Guide to Modifying, Organizing, and Decluttering Mom and Dad’s Home" says the author is talking to adult children, not to the seniors in question, and that they (the children) will be deciding how to accomplish the task. A number of the quotes included in the article support that impression.
While of course some seniors may no longer be capable of making independent decisions about aging in place, the default assumption should be that most seniors are competent adults capable of making informed choices about their living situations. Ideally, from my perspective, one such choice is to proactively enlist the support of children or other younger adults and to have ongoing discussions as health, preferences, or finances change. I've made that choice and for me it's a good one.
Personally, I'm put off by a book whose very title implies I'm so [old, frail, stubborn, incompetent, fill in the blank] that there's no point in even addressing me directly. This book apparently contains many valuable suggestions. I could just do without the side helping of condescension.
25
Bravo! My mother-in-law just turned 88 years-old and remains mentally competent. Her only serious physical issue is bad knees, which she also refuses to address with surgery. She is stubborn as a mule about her surroundings and has strongly resisted every attempt to modify or declutter her home. For example, she absolutely refuses to allow us to put a handrail down into her basement even though she has bad knees and has her washer/ dryer there (she says no handrail is "good for legs and balance"). She also refuses to have any clutter removed or allow us to move the washer/ dryer to a safe location up-stairs. The best we (along with her other children who live nearby) can do is be there as often as possible for moral support and immediate assistance if she asks.
Although she refuses any improvements, I finally figured out that she will gratefully accept money from my wife and me, which at least gives her the means to make whatever changes she chooses. We also quietly arrange for odd jobs around the house that don't involve her immediate surroundings (outside repairs, grass, new TV antennae, etc.).
Ironically, she chooses to give most of the money away to others who she deems to be "more needy" and we never ask for an accounting. That's the best way we have found to make her life more comfortable and fulfilling and at the same time soothe our collective conscience. At least until, if ever, she is unable to make those decisions herself.
11
I am 90 and recently moved from a house with a washer /dryer in the basement because I was tired of going downstairs with my bad knee. I cant blame your MIL for avoiding knee surgery , having had one done at age 77 I am aware of the issues of recovery . I used to throw my laundry downstairs in a pillow case and then hold on to the railing. I absolutely shudder at the thought of her not using a handrail. Have you considered having her laundry done for her by a pick up service? since she is so generous , caring for the needy perhaps finding a person who could use the money and do the laundry would appeal to her.
I wish the article had mentioned the value of exercise to help with aging. I drive to a gym three times a week to do water aerobics, which accounts for my strong legs. I use a cane to make walking easier. Unfortunately many older people with arthritis dont move their bodies because it hurts, but some sort of movement does help arthritic joints .
2
Basement stairs with no handrail = eventually, a bad fall. Just put in the handrail or move the laundry facilities upstairs.
I hate to think of your mother lying at the bottom with several broken bones , head bleeding ,on a cold concrete floor. Because it is just about inevitable.
3
Articles about "aging in place" always seem to be beating around the bush, avoiding mentioning dementia -- when that is really what they are about. Can you imagine an article about young adults with physical disabilities -- say, hearing deficits and reduced mobility -- suggesting they cook only with a microwave or toaster because it's "safer" than a stove? Would an article about physically disabled young adults talk about how their family members try to "wheedle and cajole" them to make changes to accommodate their physical deficits, and they irrationally refuse? Of course not. These are references to cognitive decline. Let's be open when the subject is dementia, and refer to it by name rather than just using the term "aging" as a euphemism. Not everyone experiences cognitive decline with age, so the terms are not synonymous.
25
I'm 71 and continue to live in my home by myself. I have a number of ailments including Type 2 Diabetes, heart by-pass, had a stroke and usual stuff like blood pressure, etc. Recent years falling down a lot and hospitalized.
The number one resource to maintain my wellbeing is the Veterans Administration. I take 72 pills a week at discount, via MyHelthlyVet.com can order refills on the web. I know many assume VA healthcare is poor but my healthcare is exceptional. My VA is attached to the University of Michigan Medical System and all doctors are all UofM docs. My primary care doctor occasionally emails me asking how I'm feeling; you with private care does that happen? An electronic system Metronic, asks me daily at home to report and I get my blood pressure, weight and blood sugar report. If I miss a day I get a call from a VA nurse. Since I have fallen down stairs a number of times VA installed a stair-lift.
From the Area Agency of Aging I have housekeeping twice a week keeping my home, laundry in order. I order my groceries two times a month from Meijer, a regional grocery (template for Wal-Mart) and they deliver.
I moved to Ann Arbor, MI from Birmingham, MI for the care in 2000. Without question, without Ann Arbor VA care I’d be dead.
30
And, most important, recognize that you are going to lose a lot of the time. My father lived alone until he passed away at 99. He always retained enough soundness of mind to refuse to cooperate whether it was clutter, mouse infestations, fllth (we had to insist on cleaners), bathing, health issues, driving, up to and including living alone!
I am not advocating neglect but if I had realized in the beginning that resistance was futile, we would have argued less, I would have worried less and we both would have been happier. He even told me once I needed to take a step back - good advice! Yes, something terrible might have happened. But it's their choice, as a still functioning adult.
For those who may be dealing with these problems now - relax, take a breath and do something nice for yourself. Pick your battles - Rome wasn't built in a day. On several occasions, i stopped pressing for some change and then he would do it, including moving to a safer location.
Plus I want to make clear that my father was a very decent person, and clean, which you might not realize from this short description of the worst part of his life.
44
In the conditions you mentioned, there is a good reason to be concerned about dementia. An elderly parent who denies the need for assistance can be trying to maintain control the only way they can - by saying "no". Congitive screening by his GP might be in order.
1
Margo if it is dementia then there is no treatment or pill or anything for it. So what is the point of the "screening." Been there.
4
All good ideas. As my husband I contemplate a move and a long-hoped-for home purchase (finally!), we are being very pragmatic (we're in our 60s) and looking for a one-story home. Kitting it out for the next 30 (!) years is much easier than ever.
Two things: 1. Jane, were you EVER able to persuade your friend to pick up those rugs?
2. How DO you convince your independent and headstrong 80-something mother to get and use a cane? We never could, although she needed one. Or maybe 3. She took yet another fall and 3 weeks later, after being hospitalized, was dead. That quickly convinced *me* that a cane, when it's needed, will be my friend. No problem using one. Or more. And I already have my eye on several very cool Margaret Mead walking sticks that would be great!
13
I've been through the aging/dying process with both my parents and am now living it with my mother-in-law. There is no one-size-fits-all answer. Preparing for and managing someone's needs due to a physical decline is very different than managing someone's needs who has suffered cognitive decline due to a stroke or dementia. One of the most important "tasks" to check-off your list is to think about how you want to live out your life under either circumstances. Those who wait until their circumstances change to first decide what they want are doing a disservice to their children or others who will assist them. My 89 year old mother-in-law did everything she thought would keep her healthy until at least 100 years of age. She is thin, never eats processed food, is very active, etc., etc. and yet a month ago suffered a stroke resulting in cognitive deficits that make it unsafe for her to live alone. We tried engaging her in the discussion about how she wanted to live out her life just last year but, she refused to acknowledge that she would ever need assistance. She refuses to move to an assisted living facility - which she can afford. We have in-home care for her at the moment but, she does not have enough money for that to be a long-term solution. So, we will probably be left making a difficult decision that will cause great emotional pain for all involved.
16
Each experience will be different but I have twice been the healthcare proxy for someone with cognitive decline and agonized over the decision about what to do much longer than the person involved spent adjusting to life in a memory care unit. Both times I selected a non-profit, caring institution. The social workers in each place were fabulous helping me with the process and even suggested other places to consider. The social workers see this all the time so their experience was invaluable. I will admit though that I am terrified of having dementia myself. Having seen it up close, it is not how I want to spend my final days.
14
I am sorry for what your family is going through. This scenario is, sadly, not unusual.
3
You might want to look into residential assisted care--single families accredited by the state and overseen who take in 2-3 older clients--they cook, help with night time bathroom runs, dressing, and all the niceties. My mother could not live with my sister or me so in the 18 yrs we had her Power of Atty, she lived in two residential homes and two large facilities. We saw her 3 times a week--lunch, a pop-in, and hairdresser day. The second residential home was the best...they loved her and even when she was in the hospital, came to visit her. She could not remember a lick, but knew us and liked to look through fashion mags, eat lunch, and chat...
2
I wish my parents unloaded their house when they would have been at an age where they could adjust to the change. They are now both turning 90 this year. I live 3,000 miles away but my siblings still live in the neighborhood thankfully. They almost sold the house 15 years ago to move into a condo in the neighborhood but then got cold feet and decided against it. They have a three level house, no bathroom on the main floor where they spend the bulk of their time. They've compensated by getting the stair lifts, have a cleaning lady come in and have someone who mows the lawn. I'm on pins and needles when there are snow storms and other weather related issues, I worry a lot.
15
Jane seems not to have thought about the Village Movement, which began on Beacon Hill in Boston and is now nationwide. Our village started with three couples; it now encompasses 130 households and three suburbs.
A village's goal is to help people stay in their own homes by providing recommendations for services great and small, friends and social events, and ways to help others. We all contribute what we can: rides, computer help, book groups. Look into it!
14
One big barrier for one of my aging parents, all facilities, assisted living, independent living places, ban cannabis use. After decades of pain and heavy prescription narcotic use, elder was able to wean off all opioids and find both pain relief and relief from various effects of long term oral chemo from vaping pot.
of all the elders I really want to have easy living situation for! But their medicine is banned, and so effectively they are too.
will someone please start a 420-friendly assisted living on Oregon?
oh I know, federal law and Medicare dollars.
11
Jane Brody is doing her readers a terrible disservice by encouraging them to believe that they can stay in their homes indefinitely by making just a few modifications. As I learned from experience with my elderly parents, it is far more complicated than just remodeling the bathroom, or taking up some throw rugs! Mental and physical decline can come slowly, or rapidly, but it will come. I have to roll my eyes at all the commenters in their 70s, 80s (and even 90s) who claim that diet, exercise and positive attitude can keep them youthful and independent. If only it were so simple. I recommend everyone read Atul Gwande's "Being Mortal" for a more realistic view of the ravages of time and age.
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yes. not everyone is the same. I agree; there will be the "super seniors" who are still active and functioning well up into their 90s, but they are not the norm.
"Uber managing" your parents is now the new "helicopter parenting your children" in n reverse. I am stunned at adults who brag, brag brag about their elderly parents, and how they need "no help at all", then are completely gobsmacked and unable/refuse? to step in when their parents inevitably decline? I suspect it's because it reminds us all..... we're all getting older....and no one likes to be reminded of that!!
11
You are so right Liz. I too learned from experience how truly hard and difficult this was for my parents. Alzheimer's would take over my Dad and my Mom would suffer from congestive heart failure. No they couldn't remain in their beloved home of 50 years. But they were able to live in an apartment(all handicapped accessible) attached to our home (for 13 years) till the day they died, here with us, who loved them so much.
14
One important issue that hasn't been covered here is the challenge of sibling disagreements about how to help aging parents. I am the eldest of three siblings, the one who plans, strategizes, analyzes. My siblings were in total denial about my parents' decline, even though my sister is an insurance professional who had power of attorney due to her proximity to my parents. After my father became ill and we went through a hideous assisted-living and nursing-home roulette that culminated in a dignified care facility when he passed, I was determined to spend more quality time with my mother to plan better for her care when she ultimately became dependent. Noticing quotidian red-flags like the fact that she put raw chicken in kitchen cabinets, I tried mightily to conference my siblings - in person, by phone - scheduling as if we were in business together. Because that's what it is if you are expected (and desire) to contribute to funding your parents care; you have to plan for that. My siblings refused to discuss it. When the time came to put my mother into professional daily care, she ended up in the first available nursing home, rebelling fiercely against what she saw as incarceration. She spent the five years before her death last October in a dementia unit, overly medicated, uncommunicative. Take charge of your parents' care, learn from that, plan meticulously for your own care.
62
Thank goodness my mother had MPOA me and POA a brother, and a Trust in place. It was difficult but that helped a lot.
1
I think we need to take into account the increasing medical costs required to keep us living. When we are not investing well at start of life in terms of education and early health - is it fair to spend money at the last phase of life - specially the money that we have not earned but is taken from current working generation? We can only live longer by engaging in generational theft.
17
There is a difference between subsidized housing and assisted living, cost and autonomy, being two. I, at 72, and living alone, found that all my income and energy was being eaten up by just keeping the place going, small mortgage, water/sewer, utilities, etc. not to mention, yard work, shoveling( did have someone plow) and minimal house work. Leaving my home, was not a perfect situation, but very workable. It signaled my inability to manage on my own. Not all children have the luxury of significant assistance for aging parents. I chose subsidized housing, feeling that after raising children, I did not have the right to expect them to reverse raise me! I have felt that elderly parents who insisted on that type of support are a bit selfish. Actually I felt article was written by white upper class female, as many of your articles are and while interesting, not particularly pertinent to the majority of elders, or at least me.
47
One response to this dilemma has been the nationwide rise of “Naturally Occurring Retirement Communities.” These are groups of seniors who band together around a base of helpers and supporters. Typically they are organized on a “concierge” model, directed by paid staff that provide or find services for members. To maintain such a staff, a membership base of several hundred people is required, each paying fees of several hundred dollars.
Lexington MA’s Lexington At Home is different. Our aim is to provide social, emotional, and practical support from member to member for our target population – the “well aged”. Ideally, members will come to depend on one another for short-term help and long-term friendship.
Celebrating our 10th anniversary this year, Lexington At Home is an all-volunteer organization, with no paid staff that has grown to more than 150 members organized into chapters, to keep gatherings manageable and foster the development of personal relationships within the chapter. The chapters are named for Colonial patriots.
Our goal is to improve our lives by strengthening our links to one another. This is especially true today, when many of us are far from family or have limited community connections. But even those with family nearby or who belong to other social groups appreciate the special value of a group of peers who share the same life stage with all its challenges and pleasures. See our Facebook page. https://www.facebook.com/LexingtonAtHome/
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My mother and her sister had their own NORC (different apartments in the same building) for the past 12 years or so. It worked until they both hit their 90s and one started needing far more support amd attention from the other, who then became stressed over feeling in charge and responsible (and then guilty for not wanting to be). A fall in the home for one of them has now changed everything. They will soon both be moving on to AL locations on opposite coasts (near adult "kids"). I don't know about my aunt's kids, but my sister and I would have preferred if our mother had moved to an AL place a while ago so she would have made friends and be settled in while she was still more active and it was a choice. Then again I suppose we shouldn't complain that they both made it to 91 and 94 without needing any help!
15
This article needed to discuss the financial aspects with greater detail. If your house is "homesteaded", you may not be kicked out (states and laws vary) when costs of a health crisis arise. Retirement facilities can go under or decide you must leave over payments issues, particularly a looming threat with the Social Security, Medicare and tax uncertainties generated under Trump and the GOP. I am looking at moving overseas because I cannot sustain those threats despite a careful downsizing to a house retrofitted for aging.
9
Keeping a stash of homework papers does not keep your motherhood alive and hoarding boxes of china in the bowels of the basement or depths of the attic does not keep Granny alive. Take a few pics of favorite kid art, give the China and old golf clubs to an AIDS thrift shop, where someone will love and actually use the items. What to keep? Keep what you actually regularly enjoy looking or use. Haven’t used the dining room in 2 years? Downsize. Keep your budget flexible for fun, get a little place in a city or town with a community garden and enjoy your children’s happiness and sanity knowing you will be easy to care for. At age 57, I don’t need a house that maybe one or more kids comes back to at Thanksgiving or Christmas. We can rent an awesome spot that works best for all kids and grandkids of any age at that time. One year in the snow another year in the sand or mountains. Simply holding onto a house or stuff is existing, planning fun for the future is not only living but thriving.
44
The trouble with renting in my area is that owning is so much more secure. There's a lot of "churn" - rent increases, evictions, places taken off market, etc. So renting takes the hassle of maintenance, repairs and other things off the table, but in return you might be forced to move more than you'd like. The days when landlords wanted long-term tenants and were happy to sacrifice some rent profit for long-term security and no hassle are gone, in my area at least.
It's very YMMV depending on your area. Some places have sufficient rental stock that an elderly person can rent for years, even decades, without much in the way of rent increases or housing insecurity. Some don't and it's better to own.
15
I working for years on my parents house [living there as caregiver], I made boxes for each (of four) siblings and when ran into hoards of report cards, art work, letters, ceramic sculptures from grade school, placed them.
It was 60+ years of that kine stuff. I took my box, not idea if they enjoyed theirs or burned it.
2
Another trouble with renting is the focus on short-term rentals these days airbnb, vrbo etc.
Many property owners would rather the flexibility of being able to rent for a few nights at a time, for high rates, instead of having long term tenants. So the # of rentals for people to live in dwindles.
But I'm all for downsizing when the time comes, just think it's a good idea to own the roof over your head if possible, so your living situation is not subject to someone else's whims.
4
"...identify changes that can make things safer and easier, ...and everybody will be happy.”
I tried that with my parents, when they got to that point. Not a chance. Neither with persuasion nor with sneaking in the tiniest change. Over our dead bodies. Literally. I had to wait for that before I could change anything, preparing for rental.
14
Old age is not for cowards ! This article and the comments prove it once again. Care giver children who are often middle aged adults and seniors themselves in some cases often think they can take their parents rights away from them. Not everyone who is “old”’a very relative term is incapable of making decisions for themselves.
Safety features such as grab bars are ageless. In fact they should be installed in new construction and should be part of most renovations and remodeling projects. No one wants to slip and fall.
The idea of someone pushing someone else around and taking over their life to make it easier for the caregivers without regard for the dignity or autonomy of the “elder” makes me cringe.
19
Totally agree on the grab bars...When mine were being installed, the young plumber, his asst, and my daughter immediately used them...
1
Folks, the issue of assisted suicide has not arisen in the comments I have read. Sorry if I missed some. Not a solution for everyone, of course, but many of my European friends have already made arrangements, already, in their 60's, to be able to exit peacefully at a future point when they do not feel they have quality of life. How humane and dignified to have such an option for those who are comfortable with it.
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My in-laws were adamant about staying in their house until the end and they did. But in the case if my mother in law, who had dementia, the last few years required round the clock nursing care. Fortunately, the resources were available to pay for this. At some point it’s about more than getting rid of the throw rugs.
35
Yes like early on, hiding all tools, restrictions on heating source usage, then child locking doors and prevention from eating hand cream or eye drops in nose--pharmacist cheerful, better than nasal spray in eyes!
It was, and by that time I laughed.
Still recovering.
These chipper articles are exhausting.
5
Having just reached the age of 70 I have embarked on clearing out as much of my cellar, attic, spare rooms, etc. Thanks to single stream recycling I can toss much more and not feel guilty. St. Vincent de Paul is one of my "best friends" as I can wash or clean and donate almost anything. My father in law used to volunteer there, and when people are burned out of their homes for instance, clothes or furniture that is out of date is still much needed. Finally though-cross off the yard sale --too much hassle. I had one ONCE and said NEVER AGAIN!
28
I cleaned my garage (my stuff and Mom's) and two other rooms and a gigantic bookcase by cleaning 15 mins a day (timer). At the "ding," I quit. Eventually it was all done.
12
Impressive!
3
We have lived healthy lives without medicines due to healthy diet, daily exercise, good sleep and good company each other, from friends and relatives. Good health advices always come from hundreds of functional medicine doctors. It is unthinkable for us to live anywhere else because we cook all the foods from organic material, drink osimos-filtered water, though it is not structured like my brother. We follow our health by the annual labo tests with additions by advices from such doctors. It is very important for us to gather information to read labo test results because doctors are too busy to give advices. I always find medical problems from labo tests.
3
Congratulations to you, Wind Surfer, for maintaining excellent health habits. You may also wish to acknowledge that you have benefited from good luck, and good genes.
9
It is not from genes because both of our families suffered from all the kind of diseases and illness like cancer, stroke, perkinson disease etc. We believe it is from our strong desire to live long healthy. How many people among readers including many doctors know How to find out our toxication level from heavy metals and toxic chemicals from labor test results? How many people that know how to improve our own detoxification pathways ?
Something goes kerflooey (a doctor's word, believe it or not) at some point...I don't mean to be a buzzkill...sounds like you are on top of it now. Appreciate each moment, if that doesn't sound patronizing...I don't mean it to.
1
My Mom lived in the same big two-story house where she and my Dad raised my two siblings and I until the day she died. She was in her 90's.
Her day usually started with breakfast, an old movie on TCM, then some time planting in her garden. I'm sure the neighbors thought she was the crazy old lady on the block, but they would always wave and say hello when they'd walk or drive by. After lunch she'd take a nap and spend the afternoon reading books on her porch. The church she attended for 50+ years was closeby if she ever wanted to play bridge. Her reply to assisted living was "never".
What was most important, beyond what my siblings or anyone else thought, was that this life made her extremely happy. I hope my last days are as happy as hers.
124
Assisted living can be CHEAPER than maintaining a house and hiring aides. I don't mean the fancy places where you have to buy in, but a month-to-month rental or yearly contract in a staffed facility. For a resident who doesn't (yet) need help with bathing, dressing, and taking medication, a rented studio with kitchenette, utilities and meals included, may cost as little as $3,000 per month.
Add up everything it actually costs to stay in your house: aides, housekeeping, or yard work (including seasonal items such as snow and leaf removal or irrigation set-up), home maintenance and repairs, property taxes, HOA, insurance on the house and car(s), perhaps an umbrella policy, all utilities, and food.
If you have equity in your house and a reasonable amount of retirement income and social security, you may be pleasantly surprised at the financials. And you won't have to eat dinner alone.
37
I’d love to know of a place you can get for $3,000 a month. My mother has dementia but can still dress herself, use the bathroom, has no other health issues and the cost of the dementia unit she’s in is $180 per day, roughly $5,400 a month.
8
I know places up to ten grand a month. We paid $3K at both the family home and big places--this was five yrs ago and this was Arizona. Even at $3K, I cannot do it myself.
1
I live on top of a mountain, a mile from the mailbox. But I have deer, wild turkey, and on occasion black bears in my yard. I can put up with less interaction with others (most of my friends have died or moved out of the country) but I couldn't imagine moving into assisted living unless there were absolutely no alternative. Moreover, who would look after my cats? They have given me uncritical love all their lives. Should I leave them just because I am aging?
72
Many assisted living places allow pets. There's usually a weight and numbers limit, but one or two cats shouldn't be a problem. My dad lived in a place that allowed cats, small dogs, and small caged birds (budgies, not amazon parrots).
10
You are a hero of animal protection and a sage deserving immense respect. It is the animal bond and dimension that affords us greater meaning in life. Thank you for taking care of your cats. They appreciate it and provide you wisdom and energy.
9
One thing that would be really nice for aging in place would be if meal-delivery businesses like Grubhub and Freshly were able to deliver food that was not so high in sodium. Grubhub delivers from fast food and restaurants, where they tend to oversalt the food terribly. And Freshly gave me some PR nonsense about sea salt and how it won't make your ankles swell because it has other minerals too. They serve every kind of dietary restriction except low sodium.
Imagine all the people who would gladly purchase meal deliveries online tailored for aging-in-place parents who don't live nearby.
54
How about meals on wheels? It has been around along tine
6
Safeway delivers real-ish food in many areas, like Northern Virginia, I relied on it with broken leg. And before when Mom couldn't get out to store with me.
Just ingredients not sure probably their pre-made in store stuff too. Comes in super-refrigerated trucks and they will bring in and put in kitchen.
You just check off lists on line and set up delivery time.
I hope this helps.
3
I use Safeway delivery...also my daughter shops.
2
I’m 53 and an empty nester. I am already starting to purge my home. I am someone who hates clutter, my husband on the other hand is a borderline hoarder...I say borderline because if it wasn’t for me cleaning up all the time my house would be full of junk. I am already planting the seeds of downsizing in my husbands mind because he is slow to change and a procrastinator. My knee and hips are already aching and giving me problems and the thought of living in this old drafty house in 10 years fills me with dread.
The hardest things to let go of are the things that were my mothers like old china and crystal and also my children’s, like their old school work and toys. I decided to start giving my mothers things away now as family heirlooms to my kids. It’s the only way to do it.
51
Amen!
9
Make a box for each kid and put their artwork, report cards etc in it some may cherish later, sme may burn it--up to them.
1
"As long as possible" isn't a good plan. The thing about falls and medical emergencies is that they are unexpected.
Deciding to stay put makes it very likely that one day your children will give up their lives on a moment's notice to tend to your needs as you make your way through the ER, possible surgery, hospitalization, rehab, decisions about assisted living versus live-in help versus nursing home, endless errands and doctor's appointments. On your side of the equation, you won't have any option to pack up your own stuff or help pick out your next home - you'll be flat on your back in some facility, never to see your house again. Depending on how disabled you are at that point, physically and/or mentally, it may be too late to be able to form meaningful friendships and become oriented at the new facility.
I don't think that children should force their parents into a CCRC, but I do recommend that parents should try to be more realistic about what the future holds and don't imagine that because you got rid of the throw rugs everything is going to somehow work out fine.
133
Jean, you are 100 percent right. Been there, done that.
19
I feel fortunate that my parents chose to move into a CCRC eight years ago while they were still well and in their mid 70's. They were eager to leave their house, which had become a burden with stairs and maintenance, and they worked with a professional organizer for several years to gradually relinquish nearly 50 years of accumulated belongings. They moved into their new apartment on the day the facility opened and have been prominent members of their community ever since. My husband and I joked that it was like moving them into a college dorm. They have loved making a whole new set of friends and have warm relationships with staff members who are devoted to working with the elderly (not nurses - they are in an independent apartment - but managers and maintenance workers and waitstaff in the dining room). They have each had health crises over the years and have had friends to support them and keep them company when one was in the hospital or rehab. Last month my mother had a mild stroke and I was with her when staff members greeted her upon her return - with a huge hugs and tears in their eyes. My parents thoroughly enjoy their independent but socially connected lives and I am reassured that they are safe and content and thriving.
31
Amen! If one lives long enough, the question won't be if you need help, but when. Our plan, at ages 72 (him) and 62 (me), is to sell our house in the woods and on a lake and move to a condo in a nearby city in Michigan. Live there for the next 10 years or so, Lord willing, then move to an appropriate dwelling (depending on what's available and our needs) near our kids in another state. We've both watched parents stubbornly insist on clinging to the status quo until the last dog was hung, and it wasn't pretty for our parents and it definitely wasn't pretty for those who had to scramble to help them from a distance. Look the facts in the face, people!
27
My grandparents and my husbands grandparents all died in their 60s or early 70s. This means that our parents did not go through what we are going through.
When and how to take away the car keys. Dealing with ever increasing medical emergencies from far away. Finding home aids and then assisted living, All the while worried about how much longer the money will last while we are still raising our own kids.
This means that for example my in laws will not leave their home even though it is way too big, most of their friends have moved away. I could go on and on. We also have no idea how much money they have.
More than 50% of those over 85 will have some dementia. But every 80 year old is sure that they will make it to 90 in great physical and mental health.
Please don't tell us not to worry about our parents
We love you and we can see your decline clearly, even if you can not.
Please please admit, you can not do at 85 what you could do at 60.
We accept the circle of life, we just wish you could as well,
One thing my friends talk about all the time is that we will not do this to our kids.
We will move to assisted living. We will move near our kids to make it easier for them to care for us. We will accept our inevitable aging with grace and not make it even harder on our kids by pretending that we are not really that old.
189
Ha! We said the same thing! My F-I-L insisted on staying on his Vermont farm miles from the nearest anything. My s-I-L drove 1 1/2 hr EVERYDAY to check on him. We said we will never do that to our kids, and anyhow the lovely independent living facilities look kinda fun! Now we are up there and we ARE NOT gonna budge from our house! Those lovely independent living places now look dreadful, all situated out in the countryside too far away from vibrant life. Hopefully we will be able to afford home care. At least we live in an easy to reach location ...
31
I honestly hope I do not outlive my in-laws. They seem to have forgotten the mess left behind by one set of their parents. The possessions of the other set, dead since 1988, remain intact in the house next door - a dark cluttered time capsule. They are in their mid-80s. They shop at Costco for bulk products and stuff they dont need. And a major remodel 10 years ago did not include widened halls or doorways, in spite of my suggestion. Would've been handy the last 2 years. After my second bout of cancer, I advised them they should not count on me to be around to deal with their stuff. I have already dealt with mine.
64
I notice that none of the comments talk about letting go as a way to live, and ultimately die. I am currently watching my elders and my spouse decline, and I am ready to let go of many things I once thought important... purging and simplifying. Living in my own home will not be that important even though my home is special in many ways. None of this matters. Our time here is but an instant in any case. We can be present in the sunlight of the morning or the awareness of the song of a scarlet tanger. We can see a future in our kids or grand kids and we scan leave when the time comes.
68
A typo on the last line... “and we can leave when the time comes”. Don’t know how the word “scan” got in there!
9
Many of these suggestions are common sense repairs/modifications. The problem is an elderly parent who refuses to part with anything, insists on throw rugs and 'collectibles' covering every table. Can't move because of all this 'stuff', but complains about loneliness and lack of social activities, as well as the endless cost of maintaining an aging home. I have two mothers--one in independent living and the second in the above situation, the one in independent living is much happier, by far.
33
The primary problem is that the parents and older folk can't make decisions or get things done. They want to stay in control and won't let their children do it for them. They wind up living in nasty cluttered houses which are bad for them. If they aren't conserved, that is their right.
30
Yet another advice piece by the NYT full of suggestions that every reasonably intelligent person knows well. By the way, a careful age-proved entryway is completely irrelevant for those of us who come into our homes through the garage.
9
I don't think it is best or cheapest to stay in your house. My mom wound up isolated in a big old house poorly maintained and full of junk. Her friends and neighbors had all moved to Florida or died. She was no longer able to be active in the community. It was hard for her to get to doctors. She was trapped in the house when it snowed. She wasn't eating well. She was an hour from all the kids. As far as economics, it depends on the value of the house. If the house is worth $500k the investment proceeds yield about $25k in income. Add to that the elimination of taxes and maintenance of 2k to 4k square feet and it is a swing of 50k or so. Enough for assisted living where all her needs are taken care of, she is not isolated and there is lots of social stuff.
42
If you remodel a shower or tub, make it a low or no step. Or a toilet room, put 2x10 blocking between studs at the height for grab bars for now or in the future. In our 50's we had all this done and notes recorded on paper taped to the inside of the bathroom cabinets as to the height and length of the support blocking to attach the grab bars. Much easier to install at a future time.
23
No one here seems to be talking about interventions to minimize the rate of decline with age. Everyone just seems to take the decline for granted. Exercise. Walk as far as you can every day with ankle weights. Get some dumbbells and start strength training. Do balance and agility exercises. Take up juggling. The sooner you start, the better. There are dozens of books or videos on youtube to give guidance. If there is an affordable fitness center or gym nearby, see if there is a trainer willing to start you on a path ... then you go on your own for free. Become an athlete. I like to go to youtube and watch videos of the Senior Olympics. Those folks are an inspiration.
47
I swim 5 hours a week, try to eat healthy and have a good social life. None of this protects me from a fall that breaks a hip. Planning for that possibility means my kids won’t be stuck dealing with issues I should have taken care of.
18
...as if we ALL could do those things!
Of course the things you advocate are great but they dont always work... so their unintended consequences are a society where people who are sick and/or disabled are themselves blamed for it. (So no need to make access to medical care universal since individuals have only themselves to blame if they are sick or disabled?)
Please read Barbara Ehrenreich's book BRIGHT SIDED. It's an easy and entertaining read....
2
All this regurgitated aging advice from the know-it-alls is germane for the independent elderly, yet woefully impractical. The old are having their lives taken away from them on a daily basis, the end potentially with their next breath and the kids want to come clean out your home of 50 years and leave you with nothing. Now, all of a sudden, they know what's better for me than me. No thanks. I've spent a lifetime in this home, making it mine and as I lay dying after tripping over a throw rug at the bottom of the stairs my last thoughts will be that I really need to paint that ceiling.
190
It is your right to live in that misery. However it doesn't mean it is the right thing for you or that your kids have to like it. You forced your kids to do a lot of things they didn't want to and make decisions they needed to make. The tables have turned.
34
Kurt of Murphreesboro, TN: If only it was just about you! Aging is not an island but a web of mutual responsibilities with family and community. Orneriness and independence are important to stay strong, but so is honoring interdependency.
If only my parents’ Alzheimer’s was only about them. I had to make decisions I honestly never, ever expected. I did the best I could. And I cleaned out and sold their house with some help from my brother. I am a better human for the care and love I gave and received. But truth be told, it would have been less difficult if my parents had cleaned out their house. Coulda been worse, but coulda been so much better.
Kurt, thanks for inspiring me to call a few charities tomorrow to come and pick up more stuff, mine and my parents. You oughta think about doing the same.
55
Kurt, consider the possibility that you aren't going to die when you trip on that rug, but instead you are going to end up crippled and in a nursing home that you don't get to choose. Kids can be obnoxious, but they probably have good intentions.
15
I was surprised that the article did not mention handrails on stairs. We are planning to stay in our home as long as we can manage. We got the contractor who had worked with us on prior projects and made some changes including handrails where we did not already have them. They are attractive and we are very pleased. We also noted that the stairs from our deck are sometimes slippery and put rough surfaced treads on them. We also added grab bars as mentioned in the article. We already had a first floor bedroom and full bathroom. Next up is to explore options for a washer and dryer - but that is more complicated. I do need to look at some of the pantry and kitchen ideas - so far I can reach what I need, but the ideas in the article make sense. In time our second floor will probably end up being for visiting kids and grandkids.
6
My mpther in law always wanted to age in place and cried the day she moved into a CCRC because her home was just too much for her to handle. A year later she is on the commitee to meet with potential new residents to tell them "My biggest regret in the past decade is not moving here sooner."
She dispels myths for them, like the idea that they won't control when they eat, or wake, or won't have privacy. Or that it will definitely cost more than living in their home. With no real estate bill, no additional cost for home insurance, food, utitities and much entertainment she is spending no more than in her home.
One huge benefit is the onsite doctor who has taken care of minor medical issues in a "drop by" on her way to lunch or dinner rather than spending half a day to get to, wait for and get back from a medical appontment.
Her greatest upside is that she is no longer lonely . She has many friends right in the building with whom she plays bridge (something she loved but had stopped doing because it was hard to get out in the winter months) and belongs to a "slow walkers" club that does a full course around the inside of the building twice a week. And she gets to pursue her hobby: painting. It was too hard for her to manage the clean up and organization of her paints and brushes at home. Now she gets to work with other amateur artists in the on site studio where they store and clean everything for her. What a blessing this had been!
166
I had the same experience with my mother.
16
Another excellent column by Ms. Brody. The points she makes are all good. A suggestion to all of us white-snouted dogs: Aging is not a project with specific goals and objectives and milestones. It is not linear. Of course we need to do everything we can to stay healthy — exercise, diet, no smoking and more. Beyond that, enjoy life and don’t worry. Look for joy at every opportunity.
23
All very good common-sense advice, plus many comments here are helpful. My mom's (and dad's before he passed away) situation illuminated something that I hadn't understood before. Home for them is of ultimate importance. where you are comfortable in familiar surroundings, and able to do, eat, sit, sleep where and when you please. That was worth more to them than their safely and health. Way more.
Now dad's gone and mom diagnosed with Alzheimer's--the ultimate game-changer in aging, it seems much more cruel than the physical changes you might be able to prepare for and accept to some degree. Mom, now 90, wishes only to remain in her home where the memories are. We're trying, through a team of family live-in caregivers, regular finance-minders, fixit-people as needed, constant cooks and cleaners to keep her there as long as possible. We do not mention moving and we try to minimize the changes in her home so that her cognition can work as well as possible and so she feels happiest.
This has been a delicate balancing act for nearly a year now and we know it can unravel at the seams any time. Also, this time has made me see how much at 57, I have the need to visualize both a future that I choose and one that may be visited on me.
I am trying to picture my next places to call home and communicate now to my kids what I anticipate wanting and needing later. But it may require more than removing throw rugs and installing grab-bars and that's the rub.
31
As many commenters note, all these precautions are great but dementia is a game changer. Even early dementia or MCI (mild cognitive impairment) creeps up slowly, erasing judgement and planning ability first. You won’t have the “juice” to put precautions in place if you haven’t done so already.
Make changes now, not later, and extend time at home, in case we aren’t one of the lucky ones who don’t get dementia.
Both my parents had Alzheimer’s. They had me and my brother to care for them and make safety changes, which kept them in their home 4-5 years longer. I don’t have children, so I must take my own advice - and take good care of myself.
75
And dementia is expensive, not covered by Medicare, per 2015 NYT article - https://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/27/health/costs-for-dementia-care-far-ex...
1
Related topics have been covered over the years in The New Old Age blog and column. There could be more internal links to those pages.
11
Is there a chapter in the book about how, as people age, they get more stubborn?
27
they're often scared, they know they are "slipping" and it makes them angry, they blame others and get paranoid when they misplace things themselves. They are often the angriest at family members, who are the ones in charge, and are the ones who try to keep it together. It's mostly because they are afraid.....
11
Yes there is! A big portion of the book is focused on how to navigate difficult conversations and help aging people even when at their must stubborn...
This is often the most difficult part! I definitely recommend checking it out.
1
How many times can I say "Amen!" to this statement? My older sister and I (2 of our mothers 4 children) have borne the brunt of Mom's aging issues. We love her dearly, but it seems that our concern is almost always rebuffed. It's beyond frustrating. It's almost as if Mom has to prove how independent and "right" she is by excluding us from helping her.
14
There is quotation in Sanskrit which says " The greatest gift one can have is to die without suffering 'anayasa maranam'.
I truly pray for that and wish to avoid the horrors of modern hospitalisation with all the monitors and tubes hooked on to you. Of course i do agree that we should make our living safe with all the precautions and safety steps suggested.
15
Oversimplifying monitors and tubes as "horrors" is such a mistake. If I had a stroke I would want every monitor I could get. Of course I have already filled out a DNR.
In dealing with my parents, I found planning for, and coping with, mental decline to be much more difficult than physical decline. Thankfully, my parents made plans to move to a continuous care retirement community, when they still qualified for Independent Living. It has been a godsend to me, and I am so grateful for their forethought.
21
Though I have yet to reach 90; close to it, I find these posts to be typical of children who feel they are responsible for their parent's welfare. Believe me, I do understand in the case of those unfortunates who have dementia or physical limitations interference is warranted.
However, may I add that we oldsters are very different in our outlook, not all of us think the same. I have told my children that as long as I am able I wish to remain in my two-story house. If I fall, I fall. Whether the fact that the stairs are carpeted makes a difference, I don't know the statistics, but I will take my chances. I drive, and continue my classes, book club, volunteer work.
It is my life and I wish to live it as I want, and my children are fine with it. I suppose my point is, for all the children of elderly parents out there, don't push your wants on them. Certainly, we are aware of the fine assisted living facilities out there, the adult communities, as well. Let us make the decision when the time is right.
25
I just went through aging parents, a father with severe medical conditions including dialysis, and his wife of 50 yrs and primary caretaker, I agree that the parent should choose to live as the desire and I wasn’t about to “bubble wrap” them to keep them safe in their home. Where I do draw the line is where the behavior threatens the community such as the wife with dementia is forced to continue driving him and that could potentially result in the death or maiming of another on the road. So yes please stay independent in your home and also be realistic about limitations when driving becomes more dangerous to those around you.
30
But do you really want your kids bearing the burden of you dying at the bottom of the stairs? That is an awful thing to foist on them. I know this from personal experience. I have 2 friends who are extremely traumatized because their parents lay at the bottom of the stairs for days before they perished. They both had moved far from their kids, and were in the habit of either not answering their phones or letting the batteries die. The guilt is all-consuming.
20
Children are projecting fears more than expressing wants. If someone wants to put themselves at risk and is of sound mind, then let them. My mother would not get a personal alarm until she fell and broke her hip at 90. If they understand the risk, no need for anyone to feel responsible for checking in.
Leaving a big house for someone else to clear out is an imposition, a job that takes months. If being inconsiderate is the legacy you want to leave, then enjoy living in your 50 years of accumulation. Your own life could be more pleasant if you put the effort into meaningfully donating unneeded items. It's an ongoing job to dispose of junk and it takes time and thought.
Leaving sorting out and disposal until the task is beyond the physical ability of an old person is often what happens. If parents will not accept or hire help to thin out the mess, Someone else will have the unwelcome task.
My mother couldn't wait for me to leave and was far from grateful after I cleaned her pantry and refrigerator. She had 25 year old packages of Jello, six year old crackers, ten year old cans of tuna, permafrosted hotdogs, bites of meat in tin foil, juice and milk spills, onion hulls -- and no room for new purchases. She watched me like a hawk and vetoed disposal of many long expired foodstuffs. What a thankless job!
4
People from other countries talk about not being old at 60 or 70 years of age and ask why this isn't the case in the USA.
Here's an observation: almost half of Americans over 65 take one single category of medication--a statin drug.
Many articles have appeared right here in the NY Times telling us that statins take away the benefit of exercise; that statins cause muscle and joint problems; that statins cause neuropathy.
Here's an experiment: ask your older friends which of them takes a statin; then ask who has foot cramps, leg cramps. Or do this in reverse. Tons of old folks on statins have foot and leg cramps.
With statins comes also an increase in tendon damage, lower testosterone, ALS-like symptoms, insurmountable fatigue, etc.
Locally, I have become friends with five fellow sufferers of severe changes right upon taking a statin. We were all very athletic (trekking in the Himalayas at age 70; racing 20-floor stair-climb events; doing aikido, yoga, tai chi, etc). Now we are almost instantly old: weak, balance off due to neuropathy, etc.
Half of older Americans on one drug. Good luck on living at home for a whole bunch of us. Photos at statinvictims.com give you an idea.
18
I am 76 and I have been taking statins for a couple of years. I do have leg cramps but they did not come for several months and go away if I stop exercising. I don't seem to have any of the problems listed but I do have arthritis in one hip. I bike to work, walk 45 mn to an hour and lift weights twice a week, along with working around the house. So, let's not generalize pessimistically.
11
So, why are you taking if the side effects are having an impact on your quality of life? You may not live to be 90 (and may uconciously be afraid of having heart failure) but are you happy? Doesn't sound like it to me.
You have a choice: take the statins or don't take the statins.
4
I don't take a statin. I took one for 7 months, stopped almost 6 years ago. For some of us, the effects of statins are permanent. As my neuromuscular specialist put it, "Statins, in those genetically predisposed, trigger diseases that they wouldn't have gotten for 30 years."
That's the worst case, and the five fellow-sufferers I mentioned in my comment are all in this category. All young right up into their late 60s, then almost instantly old after starting a statin.
More common, from what I can see, is the case of Jacques below. Leg cramps, exercise intolerance (the cramps go away by stopping exercise), etc. But in a sense, Jaques' case is worse, since no one have even determined that statins are of benefit for those over 75. (There was a recent NY Times article about this.)
With no proven benefit, why would someone over 75 take a statin drug? The risk of adverse effects is 100%, and death is among these possible effects (rhabdomyolysis--I know one local case).
The US has no sensible system for reporting adverse effects. Doctors are not required to report nor paid to do it--and they don't. And I doubt that Jaques will report his leg cramps....
A great survey would be to visit an assisted living facility and see who's on a statin compared to who's using a walking device like cane or walker or crutches. I'll make a bet on the results. StatinVictims.com
2
Good points, but the home must be situated to account for transportation needs because self-driving will be a thing of the past. A better discussion might be how to stay independent. This involves choosing a home base with security, proximity to stores and services and convenient transportation options. In my experience, if the seniors are not willing to love independence more than their property, someone else will take responsibility for placement.
17
Toward the end of his life the great journalist and social critic H.L. Mencken added a single line to the end of the obituary he had written for himself many years ago.
It was:
“As he got older, he got worse.”
36
It's hard for me to reconcile concern for great-grandchildren and their generation with a desire to live to 100.
10
It's a tough one. On the one hand we have a lot of blind spots when it comes to assessing our own abilities. On the other hand we by human nature get defensive when people, no matter how good the intention, point out our weaknesses.
Someone once said that getting older is not for wimps. How true. It takes courage to face our decline and then do something about it.
22
I notice that all the advise is not from the elderly themselves but relatives and people who considered themselves to be experts at everything. And when someone refuses their help they complain that they are fine. I doubt any of the advisors have any experience living in one of those places.
Our country does not take care of its own at all. Only very wealthy families can afford proper help.
Let your elderly relatives age in place if they want to. Let them live where they want and leave them alone to make those decisions if possible. If they are able to make those decisions. Help them with things that are impossible to do alone and include them in social events.
When they can no longer live alone help them move but don't be angry when they balk at these decisions. It is hard to give up everything a person has and don't forget loneliness. It is a horrible thing we suffer in our independent society and remember each person and family is different.
31
I don't understand what you're saying at all. The people who are giving advice are trying to help older people remain independent. The people giving advice are also the people who will wind up taking care of aging parents and other relatives.
I've been through this with an aging parent and believe me, the advice my parent got, from me and health professionals such as physical therapists and doctors, was on the money.
It's not invasive or cruel to suggest giving up area rugs to reduce tripping hazards, or to suggest grab bars. Why are you behaving as though they are?
49
NoCar Girl,
If you don't understand what BKC is saying then don't respond as though you do and chastise the person for saying what he/she thinks and feels based on your assumption(s). BKC does not use the term "cruel" or "invasive" in the comment, that is YOUR harsh characterization of the commentor.
Adult children don't necessarily "wind up taking care of aging parents and other relatives" -- that would be the choice, perhaps, but not a must, not an obligation.
You've heard from one adult child story about their experience taking care of aging parents . . . you've heard ONE adult-child story about taking care of their aging parents.
3
One important item all seniors >70 must have especially those who live alone in their home is a smartphone. Keep it handy, and know how to use it (i.e., the difference between 4-1-1 and 9-1-1). If you live alone is a 2-story home you should have at least 2 phones; one upstairs and one downstairs. And be aware that a "dead" cell phone can always be used to call 9-1-1 as long as the battery is working.
11
FYI: landlines are not affected by power outages and they don't run out of charge.
9
It depends on who provides your landline service. Ours is bundled with cable and internet and we often lose it when we lose electricity (the culprit is usually downed lines due to storms).
1
Handhelds do, though, and wired phones can be hard to reach after a fall. The Apple Watch??
1
The bottom line is neither Medicare or Medicaid pay for 24/7 in home health care. Most of us as we age, whether it be 2 years, 2 months, 2 days or 2 hours, are going to need some kind of hands-on physical/personal care like toileting, feeding, medication administration, etc....We all need to figure out who is going to pay for this if we don't have family/friends hanging out without day jobs ready to move in with us and provide these services. Personally, I can't even find someone free enough to drive me home from a colonoscopy. If one is eligible for hospice towards the end, even that benefit does not cover 24/7 in home care. You have to have a family/friend or be able to pay out of pocket for this.
So while I applaud discussions about how to modify one's home to stay in it longer, few people are mostly functional until they just suddenly drop dead. For most it is a slow, gradual decline and incremental loss of function that will require an increasing higher level of skilled assistance. Anything else is a fantasy.
80
Call the local aging department and they will inform you that every state has a law to provide transportation for the handicapped and elderly. Or just call the main line for your Ann Arbor and ask for help. It's a progressive city so there is probably more available to help. Hurry before Trump cuts this program.
16
Generally speaking, this may not be satisfactory to colonoscopy providers. They do not want their patients going home in cabs, etc. and such transportation is more akin to cabs than having a friend or relative accompany you.
3
I wish it were that simple. In my mother's neighborhood, you need to make appointments far in advance if you want to get driving assistance to appointments and often you are picked up and dropped off hours before and after your appointment so it turns into a whole day affair.
1
This is great advice, but sadly my mother won't listen to me. She's 71, still working and physically/mentally fit, but it's only a matter of time. She lives on her own 3 hours from me (we see her monthly), and her "plan" if she has her way is to just wait until something happens and then she can move in with me where I can care for her. Her house is old and problematic, and I and my kids have helped her clean the shed and attic, fix, repair, paint, etc..., but when it comes to making safety changes to help her "age in place" (she won't consider an apartment or assisted living) she refuses. I'm a single mom of 2 teenagers, and with my work commute I have 10-12 hour days, and I have no room to move her into my home (nor the finances to care for her). I have tried so many times to get her to make these changes, have offered help constantly, but unfortunately I see her ending up seriously injured at some point down the road. I feel bad, but am also angry because she is refusing to take responsibility for her own health and safety, instead choosing to see me as a one-stop nursing home, which isn't going to happen. Maybe I'll send her a copy of the book....
27
Kally, does your mom know she will not have a place in your home? Your mom sounds like my mother-in-law; wanted to move in with her daughter who had two teens at home, a stressful job and long commute. She never actually told Nana that she would not take her in ... so Nana lived with the hope that she would wear her down. If she had known it was not going to happen, she might have been more cooperative.
22
Kelly, maybe you're worrying too much. It is not absolutely predictable that old people will become frail and helpless before they die. A friend of my husband's died at the age of 83 after his morning run. He was having a cold beer in his outdoor hot tub and his heart stopped. Sometimes old people who feel fine really are fine right up until the end. Your 12 hour days sound pretty stressful. Don't forget to take care of yourself.
24
Patricia- that sounds like the way I want to go! lol We can all only hope that we can be so energetic right to the end. Thanks :)
Nancy- yes, I've explained the situation but it always ends with her accusing me of abandoning her (that started when I moved away for college 25 years ago). She's very involved in our lives, goes on vacations with us, we see her monthly, talk on the phone several times a week, she's at all my kids games, etc.... but she's unhappy that I never moved home and won't live with her. So her response is very angry when I try to do anything to help with this process, be it suggest potential safety issues to fix as she ages, find senior groups for her so she can expand her circle of friends, etc... We're basically at an impasse.
3
I live in a Senior residence after I had to have a Pacemaker installed. My doctor strongly suggested I do so and at first I was not happy when I followed his advice. Now I am very happy with many fun activities such as Yoga, Book Clubs, Trips to the Botanic Gardens etc. I have an apartment with a living room, a bedroom, 2 baths, 3 closets including a large walk-in closet and a small kitchen. The cost is less that I had paid when I lived in my home after taking into account the cost of food, a cleaning person, utility costs, taxes and maintenance. My doctor gave me good advice- both medically and financially. I suggest other 86 year old thoughtful people consider such a plan as I did.
52
Thanks Jane.I think I am a bit older than you and I have read every single article and book you have written.10 years ego,at age 72,we moved into an active adult community condominium complex in north Jersey. Most residents love it,a small minority hated it and moved out. I see it as a good choice to age in place.
No steps,walk in shower,accessible granite countertop with convenient storage,long heated hallways I can walk in inclement weather and best of all a state park with hiking trails bordering our property
20
My aunt lived by herself until she was 99, she has a neighbor that looked out for her with the food shopping, etc, the house surprisingly didn't look like a total mess, just very dusty and she hadn't opened any mail for quite some time. One day while opening the front door, I guess to get her mail, she must have slipped or something and that's when a neighbor called 911 and they took her to the hospital, then to a nursing home because nothing was physically wrong with her. They wouldn't send her back home until she had some kind of home care set up. She's now either 103 of 104 and has a 24/7 home aide. So if you're lucky enough to live to a certain age with no major health problems, just as long as you have someone to shop, clean and cook for you there should be no problem to stay in your own residence until "the Lord calls you home" as my aunt says
16
Number ONE rule : NO stairs. A disaster waiting to happen.
12
Phyllis, when my house was being remodeled, the remodeler asked me if I wouldn't prefer to just sell my house and buy a new one without stairs. Because it would be better when we age to have a house without stairs.
The problem for me is that hiking up and down those stairs adds to my activity level, and helps keep my bones strong. So living in a house without stairs does not appeal to me. I feel like going up and down those stairs is one of the little things that conspires to keep me from becoming frail enough to have to live somewhere without stairs.
I understand that if I were to become frail or need a wheelchair, well, things would have to change.
But not everyone becomes frail or needs a wheelchair when they get old. Some old people keel over when they are still able to go up and down stairs.
23
Patricia, you are more brave than most people, and I wish you well.
I do some things on my lawn mower that most people would regard as reckless. But, I do NOT drink and Mow. And I have 3 whole acres.
8
Brave to walk up and down stairs? Quite the opposite. When we go to the Rockies in the summer, I get stressed because the condo is one floor and the lack of exercise drives me nuts. Yuck. Bad feeling. Like I can feel my bones lose calcium. I think those stairs are going to keep my bones strong until something else gives out.
3
If I can afford it, and that's a big if, I think I'd like to move to a continuing care place between 80-85 just in case I get Alzheimers. I don't want family to have to take care of me if I got that.
As long as I have my mind, I'll be able to stay in my own place (or move to another) as circumstances dictate.
9
It's isn't that preventing falls is not important and that in my over 50 years of nursing the elderly I haven't emphasized it myself. But now being an elder (74) myself and being bombarded with having fear instilled in me I say for myself, that's enough—I'm not going to fall, at least not now, maybe when I'm weaker and more frail it would seem more likely. I moved to my small condo where I could see I could 'age in place' 10 years ago. My point though is what seems to me is missing in the piece is that it isn't only, or so much, the danger of falling as it's just harder to do everything, bending to low places could cause imbalance however I can get on the floor safely if I have to, but it can be tiring to bend over and do almost any task and I'm careful about how I spend my energy. So I agree with the suggested interventions and safety is very important though I would more heavily emphasize “ease”. It's more likely to get an elders cooperation.
15
Good points. I lived in a small house fitted for wheelchair son of landlord--most comfortable place ever! Not that old then either.
Millions of elders live in areas that will be subject to perils of climate change in short order - flood zones, coastal zones, etc. These risks need to be factored into whether an elder stays in their home or moves to a different situation. My brother's in-laws were rescued from their flood-destroyed home, but the stress of that displacement killed them.
11
My 90 yr old mom moved into assisted living this weekend to my great relief. I lived with her in her home for many years and had constant disputes with her over things like her love of throw rugs - she had many trip and falls after her hip replacements- and her tendency to throw my mail away because she'd become too near-sighted and confused to sort the mail - which she insisted on doing. Mom is able bodied and still has most of her marbles and with her fierce independence is going to have a hard time adjusting to her new home. But I'm so relieved. My brother promised 5 yrs ago that she wouldn't be driving anymore but Mom conned him and even has her car at assisted living. She's never had an accident so I'm not sure how to deal with that one but I think it's an upcoming issue. Why do people become so much more stubborn as they age. I'm trying to be mindful of many of the pitfalls I've seen with her attitude so I hopefully 'age' better. Also to each his own but I think stopping having any medical exams is crazy....
22
The physicians at Ohio State refer their patients for driving assessment and they tell the patient if they can pass then they can drive and if not they will no longer be able to have a license etc.
11
Dear Fast/Furious,
Please work with your mother so she finds someone else to drive her. It's urgent. Do work with your doctor if necessary. Thank you for being a caring daughter.
7
The assisted living places I have known all have their own shuttle buses for transportation. Not just to doctors and grocery stores, either - they'll shuttle residents to the symphony and plays. So your mom doesn't really need a car anymore. What with shuttles, Uber, food delivery, and so on, a car is less and less of a necessity.
1
Both my mother and mother-in-law refused to consider moving to independent living where they would have help available. We watched them both decline for years.
In our 50s, we started talking about aging gracefully, visited different resident communities which might be useful, discussed the issues with our siblings and children and took great thought and time to figure it out so our kids didn't have to.
We told the kids ( in their 40s) that when they see something we do that could endanger us, please tell us. And remind us that we told them to help us make decisions when we couldn't make them any more.
We are currently in a mobile home park living near my sister and her husband. My husband is 86, I am 77. So far so good. I still drive, my husband hasn't for 10 years. We live in a small town on the Oregon Coast where Dial-A-Ride is available, it takes us 5 minutes to get to the doctor and 10 to get to the hospital.
We spend all our time together. My husband is losing his vision, I am grossly overweight, our social life is limited, but I like to read, he likes to listen to podcasts, I do the cooking, he does the cleaning. It all works out.
We like to stay home. We have traveled a lot over the years, have done everything we wanted to do, and are content to stay put.
57
Location and social support are important considerations for "aging in place." When my mother died six years ago I moved in with my dad, in the house where I grew up. Although he was healthy and independent, at age 88 after 60 years of marriage I didn't think living alone would be good for him.
He's now 92 and still healthy and independent. But that condition is subject to change at any time and his life expectancy is unavoidably limited. So I have to consider whether I want to continue living here myself.
I'm in my late 50s, never married, no children, and no family other than my dad. I live in a suburban "bedroom community," with nothing within walking distance and essentially no mass transit. It's impossible to do anything without driving. It was a great place to grow up, and may still be a great place for a young family. But it's clearly much too isolating and automobile-dependent to be a good place for a single adult to "age in place."
I have one "true friend" within a reasonable driving distance, but minimal interaction with neighbors who don't seem interested when I take the initiative to reach out to them. Opportunities to expand my social circle are very limited, and of course require a lengthy drive.
It would thus seem obvious that when the time comes, I should sell the house and move to a more suitable place. What's not obvious is whether I actually could build a better life from square zero in a Midwestern city where I could afford to live.
44
Ted, have you tried joining a local YMCA and participating in its activities? My local Y offers not only swimming and gym activities but monthly birthday parties for all, pot luck lunches weekly and other programs that appeal to older folks and allow them to make new friends. Join a book club if that is your interest, go to church and volunteer, offer to sit at a polling place (great way to meet neighbors). See if there is a Welcome Wagon in your area and make it a practice to greet others.
There is a lot of life out in the suburbs!
4
Ted, are you able to drive? You mentioned that there is no mass transit where you live but not whether you have access to a car. If not, perhaps you can do some research: find out the days of the week when the most activities are happening in one place and take an Uber to get there and back. Hang around between activities and chat with other folks over a cup of coffee or lunch. If you do this a few days a week, you will meet people and will, perhaps, find someone who lives near you and can pick you up.
1
@Lenore, I do drive. My reference to the lack of mass transit reflects my frustration at the lack of alternatives. Where I previously lived I could walk to shopping, movies, the library, restaurants, and numerous other places. There was also a bus stop around the corner. It was practical to avoid driving in very bad traffic. Now that I can't go anywhere without driving, I realize how important walkability is.
I haven't considered the YMCA, but Google says the nearest one is 15 miles away. I do regularly attend Meetup groups. I belong to a religious organization and even "own" a group there. I haven't made any real friends that way. It's not for lack of trying.
Meetup groups typically meet monthly, which isn't enough to promote friendships. People also are inconsistent about attending. At the end of a meeting I announce that I'm going to lunch, dinner, or coffee at a particular restaurant and invite everyone to join me. Usually nobody accepts; and when someone does it's usually because they want to sell me something. The group I "own" continues to exist only because I personally contact every member before every meeting, even though it meets on a regular publicized schedule. If I don't do that, nobody shows up. It seems nobody wants to commit to anything. They're busy for the sake of being busy.
It also doesn't help that I'm not old enough for the senior activities my dad attends. Maybe I'll age into them. Or maybe I'll move somewhere that isn't so isolating.
5
I think the most important factor is for a person to be able to accept reality that they are mortal and may become physically or mentally disabled and then plan for this. Some people are completely resistant to facing reality and in their denial comes danger.
My parents have been wonderful in this regard. They moved to a senior community as soon as my dad retired. When it was time they installed the grab bars, got rid of the rugs and did all they could to make the house safer. They had long term care insurance and always planned for the possibility of becoming infirm.
My mother is now 86 and living independently. She will move to assisted living if she needs to, for now she is ok.
My parents were always comfortable thinking about and planning for eventual death, and made sure to have everything in place, including pre-planned funerals.
It is difficult to lose someone, but aging and death are part of being human and it is best to face this with open eyes.
33
Aging in place is a wonderful thing! Until, of course, you are no longer footloose and fancy free, and don't have family nearby. What happens when you can't hop in your car, or on a plane, or even a taxi? The biggest downside to aging in place is the isolation that happens as aging almost inevitably takes its toll on our independence. Our friends age too and may not be available to socialize. Care givers are hardly a social network.
Living in a continuing care community is the best of all aging worlds. We can be as independent as we wish, acquire a whole new cohort of friends if we want, have services we want and need, and have health care at our elbow. Perhaps the most important thing is that our supportive environment is a gift to our children who all live far away. In an emergency they know that we will be well cared for until they get here and, equally important, after they leave.
38
I think there is a lot of misunderstanding about continuing care communities. My Mom now deceased lived in Charlestown, an Erickson community in Maryland for over 20 years. Just about every one of her friends who came to visit the poor dear confined to a home ended up putting themselves immediately on the waiting list. There is a stigma that such places have that is really undeserved. Men are the hardest sell.
29
Curious title. If you age well, you can stay in your home indefinitely. It all depends on mental acuity, mobility and hearing. For instance: my mother's mobility is, at 89, better than mine. Her hearing is good; her vision isn't great but that just means she has trouble reading. She gardens, cooks for herself, and, being very short, uses kitchen stools all the time. And she likes her rugs in the winter.
Sure, I worry that one day she'll fall and become incapacited. But unless and until that happens, I have no intention of interfering with her chosen way of life or moving her away from her home and her garden. The inevitable must come for all of us.
38
I have children still at home and ageing, ailing parents who refused to do/think/talk about this stage of life for over a decade and refused any attempts at loving dialogue about it. Then, guess what? When trouble came, it came with a vengence. They're now the oldest old, frail, feeble, cognitively impaired, and miserable. The fact that they insisted upon "aging in place" has cost generations of our family time, money and energy none of us has had to spare. In addition, though I remain dutiful, my relationship with them has dwindled. A house is just a house. And stop arguing with the kids about how you don't need to pick up the throw rugs before you fall rather than after.
182
I am 68 now, and 7 years ago I downsized from my large colonial home to a small ranch house. I had been divorced and children had grown up and moved out. In doing so, I was anticipating the future. In the new house I also added a room with a walk-in shower and brought the washer and dryer up to the main floor. Many friends have visited and stated that they really need to do the same.
The basement is fully finished with a shower an quasi kitchen, so If we ever need to do so, my current husband and I can always hire someone to live downstairs to help take care of us. Or we can move to an apartment or maybe assisted living.
I don't want to be like my mother, who fought me every step of the way in going from a huge house to an apartment to eventual assisted living.
74
Thank for this thoughtful article. I will be sharing it with the members of our community and our own Committee on Aging in town.
10
When oh when may I read an article in the NYT well and health sections, highlighting elders who remain vibrant and basically independent from outside interpretation of what is needed to live safely, comfortably ?
Helpful advise is sometimes welcomed, needed, absolutely. On the other hand, many of us move along just fine, thank-you, in welcoming anticipation of each new day of possibilities opening to us.
Write equitably when framing narratives about elders, some articles about those in need of aid, other articles highlighting elders who remain capable and yes, vibrant in their abilities to determine how their lives will proceed.
28
I am 77, and moved to a smaller place 12 years ago, when I couldn't manage the garden, or afford major repairs.
Like many people, I wish to live at home for the rest of my life. We are lucky, here in Australia, that in home Aged Care is subsidised by all levels of government, and depends on your personal health and care needs, and your financial situation.
The government's aim is for people to stay in their own homes, which is far less expensive for government than subsidising places in nursing homes.
When I broke my hip, I needed hand rails, handheld shower, and shower stool, plus raised seat over the toilet, before I was allowed to come home. The costs were minimal.
I have help with cleaning and shopping. My contribution per month towards this is $ 45.
Downsizing twelve years ago helped me to get rid of a lot of excess possessions, however I very much miss having a cat, and also miss my Persian rugs. I am so lucky to have this Aged Care package!
202
We lived in Australia for three years in the 60's! Should have stayed there for all these benefits!
28
I'm glad to hear that Australia is so enlightened about providing in-home help for elderly or disabled persons who need it. However, when I visited two years ago, I was struck by the lack of public accommodations for such folks. For example, the stunning Sydney Opera House has many stairs - and no elevators for patrons! When I asked what people who cannot manage steps do, the answer was that they stay home. This wasn't the only instance of a lack attention to the needs of the less-fit.
13
Wow. On this and guns, Australia is on the right path. Good on you!
9
It’s this that makes me crazy:
You get the idea. “Don’t avoid the conversation,” Ms. Shrager urges. “Tell Mom, ‘We’re really concerned. Please let’s talk about it. We want this to work so you can live your life and be safe and we can stop worrying.’”
What a patronizing comment that is.
I just had grab bars installed all on my own initiative without suggestion from my children! Wow.....
now it’s time to get to my job. (Age 74.5)
32
you are ahead of the game, but most seniors with cognitive issues will fight everything, particularly from their children. it's a fact. you are smart to do it. most people don't. why do you think it's a constant topic of conversation? it happens all the time, every day.
58
God for you! You are obviously smarter and more realistic than many others of your age. Some think that they will live forever and that they have the capabilities of nineteen year olds.
11
I'm a mere 68 and definitely not "old." I ski with a guy who is 85, and he may be elderly but he sure isn't "old." And we do not ski slow on the easy trails: 35-40 MPH is a normal cruising speed for us. In good weather I ride my bike 60 or so miles a week and plan to "ride my age" later this summer and do at least 68 miles in one day, but do over 70 miles if I can put together the right route. It's all in the planning and mental outlook.
For me, the thing is not to be like the folks I know who have caved in to age and act like they are 99 when they are in their 70s. I see this happening to a lot of people who hit "retirement age" and basically give up. It is discouraging and is not the path to follow. I'm actually writing a book about this, focused on bicycling as a path through middle age and the later years.
Sure, health plays into this, but while one probably can't do all he/she could when younger, one can still be active and find new "personal bests" to pursue. Never give up. As Tom Petty once noted, "You never slow down, you never grow old."
34
Tom Petty died at the age of 67, so I guess that is one solution.
5
Tom Petty died at 67 of a drug overdose. I suppose you could call that not slowing down and not growing old.
1
Are there rent regulations that compel landlords to allow installation of grab bars? Or perhaps changing out a tub for a walk in shower. I don’t think I’m allowed to in a tent regulated apt.
6
In San Francisco, landlords must allow these assistive aids but do not have to pay. I found an agency, when calling the tenants rights board, that had a grant to install for free, so I got a bar in my bath/shower.
5
elder care is a nasty, for profit industry. it relies on fear and on often busy, distant children to assist in getting the raw materials (seniors) in to the maw.
Some may provide abysmal care - some provide good, all are institutional environments, no matter how hard the decorators try to make the place look and seem like a lovely residential hotel.
Thye take away your humanity and individuality.
Age in place - YES!
27
That is just not so. They offer a nice alternative to people that wish to remain independent but can't do so in their own homes. My aunt lives in one and it's very nice.
17
Not true. My mother is in assisted living because of dementia, and physical ailments which made it impossible for her to live on her own. She has a lovely apartment, kind, competent staff who genuinely care about her well-being, all in a beautiful building. Like anything else, you get what you pay for; this place is definitely not cheap but worth every penny.
19
To Elise: This kind of alarmist over-generalization does a real disservice to people. There are bad operators, so it's essential to do your homework thoroughly before moving into any assisted living or other caregiving type of facility. But there are many who provide excellent care and very positive environments. There's a lot of research showing that an active social life not only makes your later years more enjoyable but even tends to extend your life- and health-span. For people who've lost spouses, outlived most of their friends, and are leading increasingly solitary lives, there is often a big boost in happiness and sense of well-being that comes with moving into a place that puts you back in touch with people and activities. It's not for everyone but it is a great option that people shouldn't be scared to consider.
13
The notion of "aging in place" is just catering to an inappropriate emotional attachment to a physical object (a house).
The article and book overlook an array of options in-between assisted living and staying in a home that is oversized and otherwise ill-suited. What about downsizing? Do it as soon as the kids move out! You moved to a larger home when you needed it, now move to a smaller one-story home or condo that is all you need. Do it while you're physically, cognitively, and emotionally able to handle the move. You can stay in the same community and take your favorite stuff with you. Spend your time, energy, and money on something more enjoyable than maintaining a house.
A decade ago at 58, I downsized from a 5-bedroom suburban empire into a 2-bedroom apartment and it was the best move ever. But alas, I have to spend one full day each week helping my 98-year-old dad clean and maintain the house I grew up in.
133
Yes staying in the house without downsizing is a very poor choice.
4
Yes! So encouraging to hear this has worked for you. At 53, with our youngest child headed to college in the fall, we just sold our house, are making daily trips to Goodwill, selling on Letgo, and giving away on Freecycle. While it is embarrassing how much stuff we’ve accumulated, the prospect of being free of it is exhilarating—and makes me feel younger.
15
My sympathy about your 98-year-old!
1
Best initial step is recommendation to use a countertop toaster-oven. I did so after spinal surgery and haven't gone back to regular oven except at holiday time. Perfect for 1-2 people, saves energy, perfect no-strain position. I now use my real oven for pan storage most of the time-- the height to retrieve them is far easier than low cabinets, Also consider a bottom freezer, so healthier fresh veg and fruit aren't in low-level crisper in fridge with freezer on top.
25
The key to being able to age in place is mobility. And the key to mobility is exercise. If one cannot get out of a chair without assistance, one has allowed ones body to go. A round of good physical or occupational therapy can help an older person to become more agile and more mobile.
I'm 73 and still live in my house. For all practical purposes, it's a 3 story house - basement garage/WD in basement, bedroom on 2nd floor. Are steps a problem for me? Only due to my pulmonary problems but I know how to use various breathing techniques to help me. Going up and down steps is good for one! Just plan the trips so they are minimal.
Most houses can't really be adapted for wheelchairs and walkers very well. At that point, a move is necessary. And there is no question that mental acuity is key to successful independent living. But with mental acuity and some degree of physical fitness (can get in and out of a chair unaided, up off the floor, out of a bathtub), one can manage quite well.
20
My grandmother lived alone in her house till she died of congestive heart failure at age 77 ( her husband was still working in another town). Until she was 75, she went down to the basement every cold morning to put coal in and stoke the furnace. The house had only running rain water from the cistern so she went everyday to a neighbors house to pump water from an outside pump - summer and winter.
After she died, grandpa, at age 77, was released from his job with a letter of recommendation to any future employer. He didn’t find one, so he moved into “grandma’s” house where he lived until he fell down the steep stairs to the basement at age 91. In the hospital, he told his children, “I’m ready to join mama”.
16
I plan to move out as soon as the nest is empty--it's a good moment to do it. My parents insisted on staying in their home, but upkeep became a full-time job for my siblings who lived in town (and who had their own homes and children to take care of). Eventually, my dad had too many issues with falling and bad (nonexistent) monitoring of his diabetes and they moved to assisted living. My mom was crushed and became very depressed, but she was a quasi-hoarder and too frail to cook or clean. The house was infested with roaches, and she was ashamed and dug in harder than ever to keep helpers out.
Re cooking: many pots and pans are too heavy for older people to lift (esp when full--a pot of pasta) and pose serious burn hazards.
Chair lifts can help with stairs, as long as the person doesn't have vertigo when getting in at the top.
22
My single Induction burner ($80) was meant to be temporary but I have found it has great safety features: A) it Beeps if I turn it on and neglect to put a pot on it or don’t turn it off when done. B) if the pot or skillet gets super hot, it first beeps incessantly and then turns Off. C) also, it is Fast.
I now also have a glass top stove so there is no open flame... and it gives me pleasure to keep its smooth surface clean and shiny.
46
My wife and I are in our middle 70's with no mobility or cognition issues. We are only children and have no children of our own. Thus, we form a very small family.
The article is good in that it speaks to the needs and safeguards for the ageing person.
The only problem is one we will face: How to know when to take these safety measures?
Of course, we are all convinced that we will go on forever in our present state; in essence kicking the can down the road.
I do not want to wait until a serious accident makes the decision for us. I like the idea of having a home health aid come in from time to time, but we have not yet seen a need for one.
We live in a community where we have a number of friends who are in their 80's and still going strong. I hope we will know when the right time comes to take steps noted in the article.
16
At 75, the time to prepare is now. My new neighbors are doing a patio home refurbish and putting such features in while in their 60s. I want to do mine next year, at 66. Three rapid surgeries -- only the first planned--depleted me severely 5 years ago, and I'm only now getting back to being able to handle the thought of the project. Please don't wait!
27
Now. Because you do not know when problems will arise.
At least do legal paperwork, and if intend to stay in house widen doorways, put washer/dryer on ground floor, grab bars in showers, and perhaps a wheel/walk flat in shower set up.
All critical if break your leg even younger as I did, and necessary later.
And can add value to home if move.
2
Cats & small dogs are such a tripping hazard for seniors. Cats, especially, are so quiet you don't even know they are there. I'm amazed by the number of seniors who have them. But I know that they have them for company.
12
Animal lovers keep animals around and sometimes for company.
5
Animals provide so much comfort and companionship to all of us that I'm sure on balance any slight "danger" they might pose is outweighed by the happiness they add to one's life at any age. You can't insulate yourself from every hazard no matter how old you are.
13
Pets are great company, which offsets any "hazard" they might pose. It's one thing to install grab bars, get rid of rugs, etc. but it's impossible to wrap yourself in cotton wool and remove all hazards. Life itself, after all, is ultimately fatal.
4
Sage advice. As a 73-year-old widower, I decided to face this myself before my children had to, partly because a friend had lost his father due to a household accident. Then, along came a research team working at the behest of the county where I live asking if I would like to participate in a study of seniors’ homes to determine how safe we were in our county. At the same time, my late spouse and I had saved money with which to do a thorough redo of our house one last time in the early days of retirement. As a result of the research team’s work, I had a complete list of safety suggestions. I handed it to my contractor and told him, “And do all of these things.“ This was one of the best moves I’ve ever taken because of the peace of mind it has given me and, hopefully, will provide for my children in the years to come.
151
Anyone who has ever shopped for assisted living quickly realizes that it's a black box when it comes to pricing. While $50k a year is around the median monthly cost across the U.S., this number reflects the base price of a one bedroom apartment. If a resident needs any additional services, such as physical therapy, skilled help with daily activities, etc., costs quickly mount, and if a loved one needs memory care, figure $100k-$120k per year.
78
If you think picking up area rugs is the solution, you're living in a dream world. I actually lived with my Mom until she was 85, but I still had to work. She over-medicated herself, fell so many times she got a blood clot on the brain, and was clearly slipping into dementia. She needed a wheelchair to get around. I was lucky that after rehab, she had no problem adjusting to and feeling safer in a lovely Assisted Living facility where she was surrounded by people, music, daily medical care, and hardly ever fell in the two years she was there. My advice is simple- if your parent has all their mental faculties and is steady on their feet- great. But plan for the day they are not- and that means money. I'm not saying to buy insurance necessarily, but put money away for your parents care. I was able to visit her with her beloved dog, and have lunch with her every weekend. She made friends. When it comes to facilities, you get what you pay for. The guilt associated with an Assisted Living facility is baloney. It kept my mother alive longer than she would have ever been being home alone all day. Some days I would come home and find pots burning on the stove in the kitchen while she was sound asleep in her chair. I most certainly would have come home one day to find her on the ground with a cracked skull. The peace of mind that comes with knowing they are safe is priceless.
388
Ms. Brody never said that picking up area rugs "is the solution." The point is that every situation is different and there are a lot of variables.
18
"Some days I would come home and find pots burning on the stove in the kitchen while she was sound asleep in her chair."
"Some days"?!
Why did you leave your mother home, alone, after the first time you found her, asleep , with pots burning on the stove?
15
That is not the question and it is not our place to blame. The question is what could have been used to replace the stove? These are not straightforward issues.
21
My 91 year old mom lives alone in her home that she and dad bought in 1968 when he retired from the army. After dad passed away in 2011 the thought of moving into a retirement facility was briefly entertained. We made some modifications that enabled her to stay in her home. I am convinced that staying in her home has contributed to her continued positive outlook on life. She enjoys living so much that this Friday, mom departs on a trip that will find her cruising down the Seine. As others have stated, the big obstacle is finding items designed for folks with visual and mobility issues. Those items are out there, just difficult to find.
59
We want to live to 200 so we can travel and do more stuff on our bucket lists. When you’re in new places and doing new things you are more likely to fall or otherwise hurt yourself. So the younger you act the old you will soon be. Find a comfortable chair and spend your old age smoking medical marijuana and eating pizza and ice cream.
30
New situations make me focus more thus less likely to make a mistake. It's after I get back to my rocking chair that I'm dangerous.
2
Curious that a 60 year old thinks people are better off if they die at 75. When he reaches 75 would he move that limit to 85?
150
Maybe. We all have our little failings. What is yours?
21
It’s not thinking that people should die at a certain random age...
I was horrified by EE's comment about wanting to die at 75 - based on something about how he would no longer we at the top of his productivity! Talk about reducing people's value to their productivity! And how must that make his family feel - that he cares so little for them he can't be bothered to stick around?
5
Here in France I often see more older people alone, independent and more active than their counterparts in the States.
In the countryside where I have a home, there is a whole "gang" of older women (80's and 90's) who live alone. They are active gardeners and participate in local activities. You can see them at the market buying their own healthy food! What's the secret here?
Insteqdof concentrating only on the " fear" factor might we be better off taking tips from these seniors who appear to be aging well.
500
I agree that many people become fearful as they age. But life with wonky vision,hearing loss, and balance that works some days and not others is the contributing factor.
So glad these French ladies are happy. Maybe the grey-sters in my neighborhood who are also happy could meet them and we could all celebrate life.
28
Life in France is quite different from the US. Diet is healthier, snacking (for native French) and high sugary foods is minimal, serving size for meals is smaller, and the main meal is lunch - or used to be more so than today. Socialized medicine and government support during pregnancy and after childbirth mean less stress for parents. All this contributes to the health & well-being of people over their lifetime so many seniors in their 70's - 90's are still able to be independent. Wish it were the same in the U.S., but it's not.
135
I lived for many years in a building in Greenwich Village where many of my neighbors were elderly and most lived alone. It was a walk-up building and just about all of them walked up and down the stairs every day, including my 90-year-old neighbor who walked up the stairs to her 6th-floor apartment every day in her high heels. No one fell. I think the stairs probably helped keep them healthy, along with being in familiar surroundings.
78
Am I old at 73? I think not; I have much to much to conquer.
As for going to a home; I hope not. Memories of my mother and mother-in-law in a "home" are not good. So I want to avoid such which means I must take care of myself.
That's the plan.
72
Having a plan to stay in our homes is key. Think you might need a little help? Check out the village movement www.vtvnetwork.org. Here in Portland Or we have 6 villages open www. VillagesNW.org. It's a way to stay in your home with a little help from your neighbors who do the kinds of things an adult child would do like errands chores rides and more. It's a membership organization run by the seniors who are members.
15
Visit a local assisted living community. Many are really nice.
6
Assisted living facilities may be really nice but here in Portland at $6,000 a month they are cost prohibitive for 75% of seniors. And most seniors do not need this kind of 24 hour intensive and expensive health care.
Reading this I am amazed that people in their 60’s and 70’s consider themselves old. I know many people here in Europe, who live normal lives at that age and older. I myself am 90 and live alone, shop, cook and drive like I have always done, as well as take care of my large garden. I do have a woman to clean for a few hours a week. And a friend of mine in his 80’s does the same.
What people should really be concentrating on is eating healthy fresh food, and stop buying ready made. I take no sugar or eat wheat products and feel great. One should also keep active, so that you have no problem reaching all those drawers. I also walk about 3 km every day and my friend in his 80’s still wins swimming races in the 70 age group. Live your life and forget your age!
776
I was shocked to find that the dictionary definition of "elderly" (at least in the U.S.) starts at age 65! I am 67, and have no sense whatsoever that I am "elderly." That word to me means perhaps people in their 80s and on up (some of whom may take issue with it themselves).
Who sets these arbitrary and nonsensical lines?
156
The definition was set MANY years ago when the majority of people didn’t live as long as we do today and has not been updated.
In addition, we all age at different rates based on genes and lifestyle.
11
Had you been raised in a neglectful environment like my parents were, and lived a life of hard labor, like my parents did, you would not only be old now, but dead. Like my parents were at 66 and 67.
24
I was taking a class for retirees. One day a classmate came in and complained about her daughter. The older woman had fallen and eventually reached her daughter who upon arriving said that mom should move out of her home. Mom was angry. Did she have cleaning help- no; did she have lawn care - no and on and on.
The next week she appeared with black and blue marks. She had fallen when she was (fortunately) out with friends. Still won’t move. I stopped going to class. You see I’ve been the daughter and I know how it ends.
I’m an aging baby boomer and I believe that the time to act is before things happen. So when my adult child said give up the house I listened although all was fine. Then. Things can change quickly.
I have friends with the cracked steps and the dangerous throw rugs and on and on. There are those who live in homes that are monuments to past lives, filled with clutter. The driving long distances alone, without a cell phone is really frightening because others are also endangered. Elderly drivers can be a menace.
We never see it in ourselves.
408
Indeed. I find myself doing things that I admonished my Mother not to do when she was about my age.
30
We should all take stock of things and make a life plan before we become unnecessarily attached to a building that might be the death of us. I'm in my 50s with one kid fledged, the other flapping his wings wildly, and my husband (late 50s) and I are already asking ourselves about our next move because we do not need a large house if there are just two of us and we don't want to take up space that a family could use. Elders staying in large houses that they can't navigate or keep up is a big part of why it costs so much for young people to find housing.
39
Bingo! There now with elderly folks who have been in denial. Love the advice to get rid of stuff - yeah we’re all not doing that with our own folks by choice?
I’ll ask the taboo question- do we have a duty to die?
14
"What will it take to age well in place, in the surroundings we’ve long cherished that bring us physical, social and emotional comfort? "
What will it take? A lot of luck and that is after the renovations to bathroom, kitchen etc.
35
My husband, 59, has MS and we live in a 100 year old stone house with many floors. He has some trouble navigating the stairs but he CAN do it. His doctor said not to move to the first floor if he can do the stairs. Use it or lose it-- sooner. We just installed a second handrail so he can hold on to both sides. So far so good.
286
If your husband is a veteran the VA has grants for stair chairs. After the handrails on both sides for my Dad weren't enough we contacted the VA and the chair was installed at no cost to us. It takes some time from the first request but it kept my Dad at home another 2 years.
29
My experience is that an elder’s clarity and judgement may decline as they age. It is very important to spend time with your parent in their environment and try to determine if they are really able to competently and safely live at home. They may want to, and they may think they are “fine”, but the bottom line are they are safe? Are they getting nutrition? Can they take their meds? You can tack down the rugs, but some things can’t be fixed with retrofitting. Trust your gut, and visit often. And make a plan.
36
The conversation is never easy to have with your parents. What it is really about is the ending of ones lives. Who truly is ready to face that? Wanting to remain in your home until you die is a false hope. Until you are able to accept that fact that yes we aren't getting any younger, yes we need the help, yes we will make adjustments to our home to ensure our safety then the conversation falls on deaf ears. We all need to be ready and willing to have this conversation in order for this work.
21
The reason that older adults cannot remain at home is rarely purely physical. If that were true, few young disabled people would live independently.
I am an occupational therapist, and I worked in geriatric homecare and adult rehab. And then my mother developed dementia. My suggestions to change anything to make her home safer were perceived as threatening, new gadgets were confusing to her (and some old ones were too!) and she refused "strangers" in her home to help with anything at all.
So much for having paid my tuition and receiving free professional advice!
Adaptations can only improve safety and quality of life if the elderly are able to comprehend their benefits and use them effectively. Sadly, many older people find that their cognitive and sensory abilities fade at the same time that their mobility and strength decline. This is the real reason that many people cannot age in place: multiple deficits and progressive loss of skills.
Get rid of clutter, adapt and adjust, but accept that you may reach the point when you will not be able to stay in your home. It shouldn't be a shock, and it should be part of your overall plan.
317
I agree with this; cognitive decline is more challenging than physical when it comes to aging in place. As you said, young people with disabilities, sometimes very severe ones, can and do live independently.
I've always thought that the horror of "strangers in my home!" was generational, but I think it might be more cognitive related. People who know their faculties aren't up to par, who *used* to be smart, who now feel vulnerable to scams and baddies - they become fearful of "strangers in my home!" because they can't tell who is out to exploit them or how to defend themselves.
10
There is a flip side to this. Houses have always been and continue to be built with steps to outside porches and doors too narrow to easily fit a wheelchair or rolling walker. Some of these are required building code but stupid, nonetheless. How high a step is needed to prevent flooding? My point is that for literally only a few dollars more, houses could be disabled-friendly rather than disabled-hostile. Retrofitting is costly, usually ugly, and decreases the value of the house, as do banged-up door frames.
81
Amen. I wish houses were designed for all possible residents. As it is, stairwells are a problem if you so much as twist your knee. Developers must all be under 40 and in perfect health!
5
Great article and super useful for info!
I was able to find Lynda's "Age in Place" book on Amazon if anyone is interested in picking it up. Link below:
https://www.amazon.com/Age-Place-Modifying-Organizing-Decluttering/dp/19...
5
You can get kindle version free
12
I hared over to the Amazon site to get my "free copy", but NOPE, I had to pay. I am sure it will be worth it.
4
And there's always the public library for those of us who are Amazon-adverse (yes, we exist).
5
Good article. One aspect of this is that many older people don't need a large house and don't need a two story house. They can sell the large house and buy a smaller house and use the extra money for other things. Here is a way to calculate the savings: http://mwir-financialhealth.blogspot.com/p/downsizing-houses.html
9
But they get to decide "need". Perhaps they want to stay in a house with extra bedrooms to make it easier for friends and family to visit.
Also, in places like California where house prices are high, they may not be able to afford even a small house in the same area. Leaving a familiar place may not be worth the trade off.
74
Your comment may be true, but it is unnecessary. People need to consider moving - the "norm" has become aging in place in housing that is ill-suited to elder life, and it is a bad idea to default to that for too many reasons.
Because they are open to logic?
2
I would have gladly done this for my mother, but at that time she was quite hostile toward me. She did accept a 'help I've fallen and can't get up' device, but she kept the fob on her key chain, and several times pressed it instead of the garage-door opener when she drove away. She would not wear the fob around her neck. After several alarming occurrences, I insisted she move stop driving into an apartment. After five weeks there, she fell and broke a leg. Fortunately, her upstairs neighbor heard her banging on the door, but she had lain there for about 8 hours by that time. If she had still been in her home, no one would have heard her, and she might have lain for days. In rehab after leg surgery, she fell and broke the other leg. She went back to a skilled-nursing facility to recover from that. A year later, she was able to move to the assisted-living side of that facility, where she remains.
Her demeanor is kinder and even grateful to me now. I fully believe that the stress of handling her finances (and come to find out, she had been the victim of a financial scam), and the stress of driving and navigating, with the general cognitive decline of her age, caused her hostility.
If you're or near the stay-at-home decision time, please consider that when someone asks if you need help, they probably mean YOU NEED HELP. And by that time, you're probably already in significant danger. As with so many aspects of aging, talk with your family in advance!
89
Recently friend and I flew to east coast and spent a week to fix and clean things around house on a hill, for his aging parents (Mom in 70’s and Dad in 80’s), we did our best to keep things they can use and they should and willing to throw it in the dumpster, it made me think, what is important, mobility, not only around the house and outside in all weather conditions, day or night, kitchen, easy access to appliances, pots and spices, forget the top shelf, oh the pill cabinet with good lighting, bedroom/bathroom which is easy to use, remodel and hire people to do things, you did once and you have tools to fix it, you are better off on so many fronts, find people to walk and interact, don’t wait for an accident to take actions, do it sooner, you are glad you did it.
44
I would like to complete my life in the environment in which I can best maintain my physical and mental capabilities given medical science's best data about how to mitigate the infirmities associated with aging. That does not necessarily mean staying in the same home, even if it is upgraded to be as elder-friendly as possible. The big question still remains: when is your home no longer suitable? I suspect that is a very individual decision.
54
Good article because the issue covered is of course reality.As I aged and now Are touch if you can believe it with high school classmates,as a group of us make the effort. Now approaching 80 what is again reality is,everyone remains in there home as they planned it that way. Point is most folks won’t move. Some of the ladies are widows but again stay put surrounded with possessions and clutter.
13