One doesn't have to degrade themselves just to continue the conversation. "Oh, thank you! I like the colors on it. That's why I bought it. So, how are your kids?"
42
I often give a sincere compliment as an icebreaker, costs me nothing & makes the receiver feel good! Lessons in life 101!
32
I try to say
"Oh - thanks! Well, aren't you kind!"
Because they are. Kind enough to verbalize something and make my day.
And, in a way.... I return the favor.
50
“I like your dress” is a statement about the dress. It says nothing about you.
6
It's true! Women do deflect compliments...at least I do. Taken to the nth extreme, watch Amy Schumer's "Compliments" skit. You're welcome! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzlvDV3mpZw
7
Sometimes a compliment is just a compliment.
15
As one ages compliments thin out, possibly because the things people tend to compliment become less important as they affect our lives..business perception, finding a mate, being accepted into a group..change or become moot. They are not rare, but the daily onslaught lessens, making it easier to find a response.
I love to compliment people after a life of career necessitated nitpicking and watching for the negative. I find it liberating.
At least for the physical compliments I have finally come up with what for me is the perfect, honest repost: "I like your dress," "Really? Thank you. So do it. You have wonderful taste." Or sometimes a smile with something like, "We aim to please. I am so glad it worked."
6
We were at a resort last week as I passed a young
man sweeping in the courtyard, I smiled and said
"Good Morning". He replied, "I feel it. You smiled".
Sometimes the delivery counts more than the words.
19
"Thanks, I really like it too." or "thanks, it is one of my favorites." However, when I compliment someone, I don't expect anything other thank you. I don't understand this whole idea that it squelches any conversation. If you are strangers it doesn't matter and if you know each other then just start talking.
20
I enjoy giving compliments. When someone simply says thank you, my pleasure is mildly curtailed. If she says O this old thing, I have the enjoyment of reiterating the compliment, feeling all the while that I'm giving pleasure as well. What's wrong with this?
10
I lived inEurope for many years. The custom was to smile graciously and silently. I was told that a “thank you” is offered to someone who fulfills a request you have made. An unsolicited compliment is acknowledged. non-verbally and subtly. I came to appreciate the dignity of the practice, though back in the USA, it can be perceived as rude.
9
This misses the point. Do say thank you and follow up with appropriate positive chat. Don't respond with a negative or self-insult. Follow a positive with a positive. Simple.
19
These are the Times Picks?!!! Such unkindness. When someone complements you, it is about the process, the social interaction, not necessarily the content. So when they are being nice, it is an invitation to be nice in return. One needn't stick to the dress motif. It's fine to ask how they are for example. In response to the dress complement, "Thank you. I haven't seen you in awhile. How have you been?" or "How good of you to say so. I hope your well, I'm sorry I don't have time to chat right now, Take care." There is no call to hurt the other person's feelings for trying to improve yours.
99
This may get away from the exact topic of social expectations, especially of women, which I understand may be different from those of men, in social interactions like these. But having this much opening, I'd like to say a word complimenting compliments--not the appearance or possession kind of praise, but the human kind. The kind that notice others' finer qualities--humor, patience, grace, art or skill--that we too often don't think to praise.
My mother walked in the forest with me one winter day, sodden and gray woods with bare trees and brown floor underfoot. Suddenly she bent and picked up a deep purple leaf, and smiling, showed it to me and said, "You know, in a brighter season, we would have missed this!" She appreciated things, and people, honestly and deeply, and walked in beauty, as the native people say. I wish every child could have a teacher like that. It helps me now, to remember to give the kind of compliment that counts--the kind that shows someone else his or her beauty, not by way of seeking thanks, but by way of thanking.
21
I always respond with “Thank you so much — I’m so glad you like it.”
7
If one wants conversation, say thank you and then talk about something more interesting than your outfit.
8
I read this entire article and still don't know how to accept a compliment. Was there a point hidden here?
10
The article’s point was don’t ONLY say “thank you” because it doesn’t give the other person anything to reply to, and a compliment is often an opening to have a conversation. Do say “thank you” but ALSO say something else—like “thank you, I got this hat on a trip to Milwaukee a few years ago. Milwaukee is such a great city.” Then the other person has something to reply to and the conversation continues.
9
Reminds me of that scene from the movie "Mean Girls", which underscored that no matter what a woman says in response to a compliment, she can't win:
Regina: You're like, really pretty
Cady: Thanks
Regina: So you agree?
Cady: What?
Regina: You think you're really pretty?
Cady: Oh, I don't know...
11
This article doesn't say anything.
14
If you want to keep the conversation open, try 'Thank you, I'm glad you like it'
Thank you in US practice, means the transaction is complete
5
Nice article!
5
You may watch the Amy Schumer skit
1
And here, I thought I subscribed to the Paper of Record.
6
The French have a different approach -- not to dismiss the compliment, but to be a bit modest. "Vous trouvez? Ah, ça me plait." ( You think so? Oh it pleases me that you like it.) Loose translation. It gives credit to the person giving the compliment.
I like it.
15
What I'd really like to see or hear about in a column like this(plus comments) is what to do with the backhanded or left-handed compliment, if it can really be called one.
I mean comments/compliments like - You're looking better - or - You must be working hard, you look so tired - or - Are you OK, you seem bushed.
What does one reply to this kind of remark - Thanks I'm working on my recovery?
My favorite blindsider though is - Well we're all getting older. Now that deserves a - Thanks for nothing.
10
“I like your dress!”
1. Is that a compliment? --an expression of admiration implying recognition of virtuosity of some sort. Good taste in this case.
It depends on intent and interpretation--linguistic give and take. As irony, it may be (intended as) an insult--implying bad taste.
Even if the giver is sincere, if the taker disrespects the giver's judgment, it won't be taken as a compliment; it will be worrisome.
It might also be out of (social, organizational) place--e.g. a male subordinate saying to his female boss--"I like your dress."
2. Yes--compliments--with the right give and take--defined above (see MW "Collegiate") are invitations for followups--further engagement.
After all they need kindred spirits--and are indications of exactly that.
3. This essay is an indication of the tip of the iceberg of Speech Act Theory--see Austin, "How to Do Things With Words."
Compliments to the author for realizing that speech action is not limited to grammatical moods.
Now is that a compliment? Or a criticism?
uh huh...a tad overthought perhaps? Thanks usually suffices.....
4
How about “Thank you, that’s so nice of you to say”.
3
Thank-you works for all times and situations - if the complimentor was looking for deprecation or a compliment back - they weren't giving a compliment.
By the way - dudes - you need to stop giving out compliments to our distaff fellow travellers these days.
2
Just answering "thank you " is enough. If it's a gambit to further engage in conversation, then add, after thank you, "it's such a nice day!" There is no reason for false modesty when complimented on something that you obviously like, since you're wearing it. This is such an American thing. You don't have to say anything else and you don't have to engage in fake friend posturing. Just grow up.
4
I've now switched from "Thank you" to "Thanks". Carolyn Bucior is soooo inspiring
Next article: how to respond to someone being unnecessarily harsh.
2
My attempt:
Oh great, thanks! How are you today?
2
Thank you.
You people (and I mean, Americans) are weird.
1
I get the point, thanks :) But instead of self-denigration, could you just say, "Thanks, how nice of you to say so!" or "Thanks, I'm glad you like it"?
2
A gracious "thank you" is sufficient. You didn't "miss" or "fail". Why don't you keep trying it and see how others respond?
4
In the final paragraph, there should be a period after "connection and conversation." As of now, the passage reads, ".... connection and conversation I have since shamelessly returned to my previous ways...."
Today the NYT says "receive a compliment!" Tomorrow it will be: "Did you receive an inappropriate compliment? Email us here [address] and ruin a man's life!" Don't believe me? Check this out (scroll down about 2 thirds, to "Do you have any information about X?"): https://www.nytimes.com/2018/05/17/us/USC-gynecologist-young-women.html
Moral of story: Men, never, ever, ever, pay a woman a compliment. Especially not at the behest of NYT. It's entrapment.
2
The amount of self-pity I see from my fellow men over this business is amazing. If you don't know how many of us have treated and talked and thought about women for a long time, you haven't lived long. I don't have women wanting to hurt me, chasing me with pointy sticks, or otherwise mistreating me----and if you do, John, it's not because women are awful creatures who just don't like John. Man up, eh. So to speak.
10
Nice piece, Carolyn.
1
Over a half-century ago, I stood in a reception line with my boss. A woman approached him, shook his hand, and said: I love your tie! I would not have had any idea on how to respond to such a compliment except with a kind of an ahh-shucks embarrassment. But my boss's eyes sparkled; he broke into a smile and said: Do you really? It's one of my favorites!
I instantly realized that he had established a relationship and a kind of a bond with this person. Not only that, but this type of reflected compliment is not difficult once the concept is understood, and can be used in many and various positive ways.
103
That’s a very nice example of a compliment well handled and the benefits of excellent social skills.
28
I don't think this should be so complicated. This is about human interaction, something that continues to get more awkward as we become more isolated. Texts, tweets, snapchats have diminished the face to face interaction of communication.
I've noted how, in almost every situation, even phone call communication is shunned. Face to face? - forget it. Of course, this hasn't just developed with electronic communication, it's been developing for a long time but it's gotten worse.
When you meet someone on the street you don't have the impersonal cyberspace to hide in. Your interpersonal skills are out there, naked.
When someone says, "nice dress," that person, whether a good friend, occasional acquaintance or total stranger, is reaching out to you and would like to engage if only briefly, It's shouldn't be so burdensome to respond with a bit more than the minimal reply of, "thanks" and then duck away.
Women, for some reason seem to be more inclined to engage with other women as opposed to men with men or women with men so this is more obvious and concerning to them. But this leads to a whole other topic that's probably dealt with "somewhere in the literature."
Everyone needs so hone their personal interaction skills. Use them or lose them. Look at the tweeter in chief. A glaring example of diminished personal interaction skills. Do you want to be like him?
2
How about "Oh, mind your own business"?
Of course, nowadays, complimenting somebody risks a lot more of an exchange than you bargained for--specifically a sexual harassment rap. Maybe it really is better to mind your own business.
23
Context is very important.
15
I have noticed that if I only say "thank you" that the person on the receiving end seems to want more. If I don't know the person and they complement my kids looks too profusely I thank them and when they persist I repeat. I do this because when my eldest was a baby I noticed that strangers would do this as an opening to try to get close to my child like he was a pet to be touched. So, I do it to extricate myself from people who may have boundary issues and keep them at, literally, arms length.
However, I do feel that if I know them, to be polite, I should say something more, for social reasons. But, then again compliments from friends, truthful or not, always makes me feel good.
1
Good examples of differing responses for differing contexts.
I find that “ why thank you, how nice of you to say, you really made my day!”, said with a smile is the best rejoinder. It makes the complimenter feel good too and a sort of social parity is achieved.
16
I am sure there are as many ways to accept a compliment as there are types of compliments. This piece leave me rather dumbfounded; why Miss Bucior felt the need to write about it? Every topic- does not- an article- make.
6
Ok then, I think the next article should be how to accept and respond or not respond to online critiques.
3
This article doesn't address the compliment-as-putdown or the inappropriately personal compliment, but I am assuming that the omissions are deliberate, and that the author has no problem responding to those in the same spirit.
2
Oh, is this yet another rule that is being added to the "Rulebook of Life " ?
Ignorance of the law is no excuse Son. Doesn't matter if you haven't read that addendum,
if 'n you make that terrible faux pas - your'e a gonna be in trouble !
1
Forget thank you. I was asked by a colleague not to prefix my emails with Dear. So no more Dear xyz.
Yeah, just ignore him or her.
3
Grammar can be context-free - salutation, less so...
Is person...
> Same or opposite gender
> Known or unknown - in general, or more specifically re likability
> 1 foot or 3 feet or 10 feet or 30 feet away
Same sort of variability for venue...
From a game-theoretic standpoint - your response was in-bounds...Same person could've pointedly ignored you - or said, “I don't like your dress"...Or do either of these things the next time you walk by...
No one owns or controls your narrative - any dialog needs to be a mutually-agreed joint venture...
Perhaps men just approach things differently...
For example - one might remark to another, having just met:
"I need your boots, your clothes, and your motorcycle"
The other might - quite properly - say back:
"You forgot to say please"
.....
No ambiguity in sight - or must everything be mansplained to death...
True, True...By the way, I like your article, Carolyn.
5
Giving a compliment does not obligate the recipient to engage in “small talk”. So now the complimenter is offended and is the victim of an ungrateful response of a polite, simple “thank you”. If you want to engage is a conversation a mere compliment without a follow question or inquiry will get you nowhere. How do you think some man are better at impressing the ladies at the bar than others. It’s because they are able to go beyond the initial compliment or pick up line.
Thanks! But no thanks!
3
The three rarest sentences in everyday conversation are:
“Yes.”
“No.”
And to a compliment:
“Thank you.”
If only all the wisdom we needed in life could be distilled to pithy quotes that fit on candy wrappers.
"Accept a compliment" doesn't mean "grab it and toss it in your basement" like it's a ball some kid hit over your fence and you're the neighborhood curmudgeon, even if you dispense a Mona Lisa "thank you" as you shut the door.
It's an opening for an exchange of warmth. It can be an ice-breaker to start a conversation or just a pleasantry so you're not passing in stony silence left to wonder, "What's eating her?"
But by returning to your resistance of compliments, you've doubly failed the experiment. Don't use a compliment as an occasion to actually TELL people what's eating you. What kind of sadist (much less masochist) would continue to compliment you if they knew each time it would elicit a sad-sack story?
What is it that leads you to discover compliments help people learn to perform new skills—something I've observed in teaching environments since childhood—and then refuse to learn that skill?
Don't you like sex and cash?!
Don't take that the wrong way, it wasn't a compliment. It was a joke. To which it's both rude and pointless not to laugh. Do you see what I'm getting at?
A compliment, in the deluxe-assortment edition of your bit-o-chocolate aphorism, is an opportunity for someone to brighten your day and lift you out of an inner monologue—in this case, that anything remarkable about you is old, cheap, or someone else's.
Let them.
And respond in kind.
1
I think you may have missed the author’s point. And perhaps have drunk too much caffeine this morning?
1
My god, is everything in this world to be torn apart and analyzed because it doesn't fit someone's idea of a proper response? Lighten up! "Thank you" is just fine.
10
I’m sort of surprised at this piece. Since the rise of the #MeToo movement almost all of my female friends (I’m a man) told me that they don’t want to receive “compliments” at all. They want no attention whatsoever even if the compliment is something as simple as “That’s a nice dress you’re wearing.” So my question is, which is it? Say “thank you” or should we all just stop giving “compliments” because deep down all men have ulterior motives?
3
Wow, the women I know are glad to see the changes Metoo has brought in calling out bad behaviors, but not one minds compliments a bit more because of that. I have some reservations about your assertion, frankly. Or perhaps about what compliments you might be giving....
Btw, I don't see why compliments seem to be seen here as all about dress or appearance. A great idea, or kindness, understanding, or artfulness, etc., are all worth appreciating with a bit of praise.
8
Context context context.
1
I forget to give complements so when people go to the trouble of giving me one I always say, “What a nice thing for you to say. Thank you!”
4
"research" is required for you to understand that complements are meant to encourage behavior? Have you no background in the findings of the social sciences over the past 150 years?
1
I've noticed that if you compliment someone on something you genuinely admire that they are wearing or have in their house, you can get great tips on where they found it, often with a great discount. It often happens that I'll say "I love your watch! Been looking for one just like that" only to be told "you can find it half off at xyz". Happens all the time - shoes, watches purses, gadgets in the house - people seem very eager to tell you where they got a good deal or to tell you about this really great store that's the best secret in town.
3
Why not have asked Caren what she thinks is an inappropriate dress, so you'll know what to wear, to her liking, in the future? Then you could exist as her bound "wardrobe pet?"
As Shamu might say: "Thanks but no tanks."
2
Why is "I like your dress" a compliment? Unless you were the one who made it...
Very good point. To say you like the dress has nothing to do with the person wearing it.
Oh, yippee. Another directive on how women should act. Reminds me of how men think it okay to tell women they don't know to smile when they pass them on the street.
4
But what are the international standards for accepting a compliment? Apparently in Russia if you compliment a person on a particular item they are expected to give it to you. Oh, what a lovely vase! You like it? It's yours. I give it to you. Perhaps the complimenting guest will receive a package with the admired item a few days later.
I always wondered about that.
2
Perhaps, if sincerity is off the table, and interacting is so difficult, we should keep our mouths shut.
5
Why must every NYT article about human nature be forced through a #metoo lens? I’m a man and also find myself deflecting compliments. I was thoroughly engaged with the article until the author explicitly made me feel that the article was not meant for me. Are there any data showing that women deflect compliments more than men? The article doesn’t present any. Was it really necessary or even helpful to make this article primarily about women?
7
I have a hunch that women are taught to deflect and men are taught to boast. But such scholarly evidence was not included in the article. Women often seek connection through chit chat whereas men are taught to compete.
26
Well, it's telling women their behavior is wrong if it doesn't conform to the author's views, so I wouldn't feel too left out.
1
Japanese researchers equated compliments with both cash and sex? Maybe this is fertile ground for some grad student's additional research. Never a dull moment in academia.
4
After reading through some of the comments I suddenly remembered a funny thing from the book, _Bridget Jones’s Diary_. Whenever plump Bridget’s gay friend got on the phone with her, he would exclaim, over the phone (this was before smart phones), “Bridget! You look so thin!”. Friends do things like that for each other.
1
30 years ago, in January 88', I landed in Texas. I was a European foreign student at UT Austin. On my first day, in the elevator of my dorm, someone paid me a compliment, something about my shoes being nice, I simply answered thank you. After the person who had paid me the compliment walked out of the elevator, another student, an American student, said to me: it was rude of you not to return the compliment, you should have said something nice back.
This to me is a prime example of what is wrong with political correctness and how it profoundly manifests itself in people's daily life in the USA (I have never encountered the problems of political correctness elsewhere in the globe). You cannot live your life trying to be what society dictates you to be. This is going beyond being polite, it is being fake, it is trying to be someone you are not and being pointed the right way by dunces who talk without thinking, like robots or monkeys who have been shown a trick and repeat it automatically. Why can't you just be yourself?! especially if you are not in any way "rude". If you need to fill your life with small talk, go ahead, but do it because you want to, not because society dictates it. Where is the breath of fresh air if we are all expected to talk a certain way and respond a certain way? It is pathetic.
6
Whoever said that to you was the one being rude, Marge.
3
Oh boy. You speak to me; an older man. How I absolutely detest the tendency of women to degrade themselves and the complimenter!
I say to host that her meal she served was absolutely fabulous. She responds that it could be a bit warmer, needed a bit more spice, or something along that line.
I go ballistic - inwardly. And yes it is a woman's thing. Men do not do that. That is not a prejudice.
5
Agreed! Nicer to say “I’m so glad you liked it!”
This being said, it seems the home chef is always harsher on his/her cooking than the diners. Home chefs are engaged in a project, an experiment that they want to perfect, so they’re looking through a different lens—what I can do better next time? Still, “so glad you liked it!” is definitely the better response.
Also, I appreciate your awareness of (corrosive) gender training of women to be modest and self-deprecating.
3
I think the best response is to look delighted and say something like, "how NICE of you to say so!" Share the positivity.
6
I find I enjoy your writing style. I will read at least one of your books forthwith.
I find compliments a bit disconcerting. In my retirement I’ve morphed into a solo jazz guitarist. At gigs, people sometimes tell me a play well or beautifully and I just smile and say “thank you..” or sometimes add after “I try hard to sound nice..” But its an awkward transaction to be sure.
Compliments are just emoticons set to words.
1
There are as many ways to respond nicely to a compliment as there are ways to cook shrimp in 'Forest Gump' - You got your Thank You (boiled). Your got your Thank you, glad you like it (broiled). You got your Thank you, how are you doing today (sauté), You got your Thank you, good to see you (creole). You got your Thank you how is your husband/wife/kid doing today (Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried) The list goes on and on... Is this really that hard?
3
I recently heard an Irish poet quote his wife; " it's fine to accept a compliment, just don't inhale"
2
Let's talk about the unwelcome compliment. You know, the kind that implies you could look better or have done something better-- scorpion tail-like, stings at the end. For example: If you've been horribly sick and you look like something the cat dragged in, yet, someone says, "You've lost weight. Congrats." Or you show up at a meeting that follows a dressy event and someone tells you how 'appropriate' you look. Sigh. Tired of being judged on appearance as *polite conversation* openers.
Best lesson learned about compliments from "Everybody Loves Raymond": Ray's father is in the hospital, quite sick in the bed, and Ray comes in and says, "Dad, you look good."
1
This is great, unless you hate small talk. And as women, can we find something else to compliment each other on other than fashion and beauty? Perhaps small talk wouldn’t be so bad if it had more substance. In the meantime expect a heartfelt “Thank you” paired with a very sincere smile from me.
4
The Buddha said, “Speak but only if it improves on silence."
8
Wake up, lady! It's the time of MeToo, where a well-intentioned compliment about someone's appearance can be a career-threatening form of harassment. Better to shuffle along through life with eyes averted and mouth shut. As this article shows, even a simple compliment that is actually welcomed can lead to an agonizing and stressful conundrum about the politically proper response, especially if you're a woman trying to do what's best for her entire gender. Don't want to inflict that on anybody.
1
Upon receiving a compliment, one should simply say "thank you" and immediately change the subject.
I like to return the compliment. So when someone compliments an article of my clothing, or one of my art pieces, I say, “thank you, you obviously have good taste”.
1
“Thank you” works great.
1
Compliments between women is a ritual that reinforces the bond between them. Answer a compliment with'thank you' and quickly find something of theirs to compliment. It is a way to show appreciation, kindness and validation all at once, and to receive it feels good. Giving this back to friends a way to say 'All is well with us' or 'I like you' and also feels good to give.
Compliments between strangers is usually woman to woman. I don't recall ever having a male stranger tell me he likes my necklace. I'd be suspicious if that happened. But between women in line for coffee or walking down the street is very common. I see it as a genuine act of friendliness.
Compliments about work accomplishments is another story. Competitive people often give backhanded compliments or snarky...like, 'nice job you work sooo hard how LONG did that take?' As if you worked TOO hard, why aren't you at the hairdresser instead?
Women are never supposed to brag and accepting a compliment for work or academic accomplishment is seen as braggy. This speaks to how we are socialized to deflect and deny our own intelligence, skill and talents.
I say, just say 'thank you' look for something to compliment back in all situations, especially at work. And stop worrying about it.
4
Ok, this is helpful. But... speaking as an introvert... sometimes I *do* just want to lob a compliment at someone ("Hey, what a beautiful dress!") and keep on walking. Like the way supporters cheer on marathon runners, without expecting them to stop and talk. So I don't think compliments are always a bid for small talk. But I appreciate this reminder to be open to it. I have probably missed this in the past.
3
I like to smile and reply something to the effect of "Aww, thanks! You just made my day/That's so sweet of you/I really appreciate you saying that!" Besides the fact that that's genuinely how I usually feel, this style of response makes me feel good, it makes them feel good, and if I want to chitchat and have a human connection that doesn't involve me being absorbed in my phone, the door is open. Either way, everybody leaves the interaction feeling happy and they can carry that positivity forward into the day :)
5
A good conversation is like a friendly tennis practice: the object is to keep the volley going, not to end it by a swing and miss or by slamming it past your partner.
In such a fashion, a compliment is a serve and, in order to keep the volley going, it must be returned. mere "thank you" is the conversational equivalent of a swing and miss.
So, pay me a compliment, and I will try to volley back with something.
And when I pay someone a compliment, I'm inviting a conversational volley. If they don't cooperate, too bad. We will both have missed out on the chance for some pleasant in a world that does not always offer such opportunities.
3
Another great thing to do if it is a service person you want to compliment is to take a moment to find a supervisor and let them know how you wanted to commend the server, or salesperson, or whomever. You never know what that might mean to someone. And no reason you can't say it to both. I've even, when I've had exceptional help from some person over the phone, asked if there was a supervisor I could be connected to relate my experience. It make me feel really happy to do that for someone, and again, it could really make difference.
5
How or why I accept a compliment always depends on how or why it was given. I can sense when someone is being sincere and true vs. deceptive and attempting to play me for some ulterior motive.
The primary reason I give someone a compliment is to brighten their day when they look like they could use a kind and positive gesture. Every instance when I have reached out has always resulted in a sudden reaction of “Really? Thanks.” accompanied by a big smile and a sincere look of gratitude that someone said something nice for no reason other than to be kind.
I always thought when a person used a compliment as some sort of “jumper cable” approach to begin a conversation with me, I wondered what they’re really after. When I know I’ve put on weight and yet someone states, “Wow – you’ve lost weight and look great” I want to run for the hills and get away from that individual. That style of communicating is not only shallow and insincere; it can also be viewed as manipulative.
Shouldn’t a compliment be given without any expectations in return? I would think whether a person says thank you or not should be irrelevant. My sharing the kindness of a sincere compliment is to hopefully make someone feel a little better, if only for a brief moment. Just seeing their smile is the best return of a compliment.
3
Sure, it is sometimes appropriate or polite to add something to the, Thank you,", but the main reason for this discussion is that some people feel it is conceited or show-off-y not to deprecate a compliment. It really makes you and the complimenter feel happier when you just smile and say thanks, and some children and adults find that really difficult to do. Add something else if you wish,but don't reject the politeness of someone's compliment.
3
Fortunately, since compliments on one another's personal appearance and/or accoutrements are now implicitly discouraged at school, the workplace, and in casual social interactions, the crisis of how to respond to them will soon subside.
2
I totally agree! I tend to compliment people on outfits, hairstyles, etc. I often see these two things artistically, and enjoy sharing when is see something I perceive as different, interesting and fun. I welcome the more conversational responses I receive, and I think the recipient of my compliment enjoys sharing as well!
2
Just saying "Thank you" is perfectly fine if you give a big smile and continue to walk by. Nothing at all wrong with that & it isn't missing any point. The complimenter has had the pleasure of saying something nice and being thanked for it.
Since this came from someone you slightly know, yes, it could have been a bid for further conversation, especially since it seems that you paused for long enough for an awkward silence to form. That was the cause of the "hard eyes," unless your neighbor is unusually thin-skinned. (Her remark about appropriateness could support the latter conclusion.)
We have trouble with a friend who seems to go out of his way to find something to compliment so that most times, it feels artificial. We're sure it's "sincere", but we would almost prefer not making a big deal out of what we think is quite ordinary.
2
Sigh. Life is just too complicated these days. I was at a family function and said to two little girls who are sisters, "Oh, I love your dresses! The two of you look so pretty." Their mother absolutely glared at me - so much so that other people noticed. I was later informed that the mother is a "feminist" and doesn't want her daughters to get compliments on their looks. As Steve Martin was wont to say, "Well, excuuuuuze me!"
11
I like your article.
4
I often answer, “I’m okay!” And once I added, “but the fact you said that once before has gotten me through many a dark night.”
How about “That’s a nice thing to say-thanks”
Complimentor also complimented.
3
This seems really obvious. Two one-syllable words are not enough. Almost anything else added to those words--"I just got it" "I like it too" "my mom got it for me" "It was on sale, too!"--is sufficient. Doesn't really matter what it is.
But yeah don't say, "Ugh, no, this? It's terrible!" That makes the complimenter feel as though THEY have bad taste.
3
Hmmmm. I don't think anyone has complimented me in years. Is that a compliment?
1
Good observation. Not meant as a compliment, so much as a statement of fact. Thank you.
I cringe when people compliment my appearance (or my daughter's appearance). Yuck. Please don't do that. If someone says, "I like the color of that shirt," I can say "me too." But if I am told "that shirt looks good on you," I feel rather sick. I am not happy with how I look, and I don't want people commenting on it. What is my kid supposed to say to: "you look very grown up in that outfit"? She's 12. Why are you noticing how grown up she looks? Ick.
1
Then why bother dressing nicely? Sheesh.
1
Well, well. You've stymied me this time.
It sounds insecure to constantly downplay yourself. There should be something you like about your wardrobe -- after all, you picked it out. You can chit-chat by adding your own comment on the subject, like so:
To compliments on appearance:
-"Thank you. It's my favorite color."
-"Thank you. I just love lace."
-"Thank you. Isn't it fun to finally be able to pull out our sundresses?"
To compliments on appearance:
-"Thank you. It's so fulfilling."
-"Thank you. I love it."
-"Thank you. Took five years of practice."
-"Thank you. I can teach you, if you like."
And then there is also the suggestion that a few others have already discussed -- asking the other person about himself or herself:
-"Thank you. And how is your job going?"
-"Thank you! So what are you up to in this neighborhood?"
4
A friend once said to me, "A compliment is also a judgment."
1
Say “Thank you”. Do not say “No problem”. Or uh.
A compliment can truly enhance your day, sometimes even your life. Memorably for me a couple of decades past.
Compliments should be sincere and given in a throw-away manner so that the recipient, who may be caught off guard, doesn’t have to struggle for a response. Or so that they don’t feel that it was a come-on.
1
Compliments are fun! I love getting them, and if I’m walking down the street and a random person says something nice I usually find myself responding instantly (before I can even help myself!) with a big smile and a delighted “thank you!” Which I can’t imagine doesn’t make the complimenter happy - who doesn’t want to make someone’s day? If it’s a compliment from a good friend I would probably blow them a kiss and say “thank you, darling!” And yes, sometimes I might follow up with “I got them on sale” or “isn’t it lovely? My friend made it for me” or “gotta take advantage of the weather!” - and none of those seem to me to be ways of minimizing the compliment, just ways to connect and give something back to the person who made the compliment. But many other times I’ll just keep walking (in the random person situation, that is), or move on to another subject, or keep with the flow of the conversation, and in none of those cases do I think the person doing the complimenting is upset about the lack of a “proper” response.
Regarding (usually) men complimenting women, compliments can often come across as patronizing. If I was in a work situation and I felt as though I was being complimented on my appearance instead of being taken seriously, that would be extremely frustrating. On the other hand, I enjoy putting some effort into how I look and I love it when people notice! That doesn’t make me shallow (I’m a professionally very successful woman) but as always it’s about context.
2
Oh brother. Sad day when we have to pick apart compliments and responses.
As my mother used to say “Children are starving in the world!”
Which basically means, let’s not make a big deal out of stuff unless it’s a big deal.
11
I have no dea what the writer is saying here, can someone help?
What’s with the run on sentence that comprises one of only two sentences below?
In trying out the supposed right way for a woman to accept a compliment, I learned what such pleasant commentary really signals for Americans of all genders: connection and conversation I have since shamelessly returned to my previous ways, which is to add a little P.S. or a bit of resistance after saying “Thank you.” To do otherwise would be to miss the big point of small talk.
1
Sometimes a person compliments you because they're flirting with you.
2
I got the best lesson in accepting compliments from my home ec teacher long ago. One day it was announced that I had won two school awards that I found very funny and somewhat embarrassing because neither was anything I had sought or expected or was even much interested in: the Betty Crocker Homemaker of the Future award, and an award for the highest score on some kind of military aptitude test (ASVAB, maybe?) I burst out laughing and made a joke about it; Mrs. James gave me an unamused look and said, "Just say thank you, Luann."
2
The MeToo movement has put a stop to my complimenting women about any aspect of their appearance, particularly ones I don't know well.
4
I've been resisting discounting compliments lately. I dislike the tendency we women have to downgrade ourselves! I try to find something neutral to confirm instead: if it's "I like your skirt" I'll say "Me too! The color cheers me up this time of year!" If it's "Great haircut" it's "Thanks! I'm really happy with it!" Sometimes people seem surprised but mostly they smile, and it makes me happy too.
1
This is a horrifying idea to me. I would NEVER give a compliment in order to open the door to chit chat or small talk, both forms of conversation I abhor and avoid at all costs. I give compliments because giving compliments makes the person receiving them feel good. Mirror neurons are powerful things. I do it solely for the rush it gives a person to feel seen and valued. If it opened the door to conversation in any way, I’d stop doing it.
I started something called “the tiara project” a number of years ago, carrying a bag of tiaras and giving them randomly to women who might never receive a tiara. Women who probably weren’t the prom queen or the queen bees in their work or social lives who might have never worn one or thought of themselves as being “royalty.” The positive impact is surprising. Even then, it is less than a 10 second exchange. A chance to light up someone’s eyes through receiving an unexpected acknowledgement of their awesomeness!
As a socially graced, highly introverted female CEO who is black, bald and chubby, all of my needs for conversation are met a 1,000 times over every single day. I’m “on” most days from 5 in the morning until 9 or 10 at night. But I’ve observed that too few women are showered with compliments and that receiving positive, unsolicited feedback from a complete stranger operates like an unexpected gift. It’s okay! Accept the gift. Enjoy the gift. Don’t ruin the magic of a meaningful gift with meaningless small talk.
5
NY Times, please do a story on this person! Is it a real Tiara? Can men get it? What is the criteria? How long do they wear it for? How many do you carry at a time? Is it a special type of bag? Has anyone ever rejected it? So many questions!!!
Given all of the Title 7 and Title 9 training they’ve put me through at work, I am now hesitant to offer compliments to anyone in that setting. It only feels safe to compliment strangers out on the street, but they look at me strangely when I say “Nice dress!”
2
Oh Puh-leeze.
Honestly, you were giving Caren a compliment in return. "Thank you" was a nice thing to say. She should have appreciated it and moved on.
Kind of sounds like the germ of a Seinfeld episode. LOL!
3
It's perfectly okay with me if a person says thank you to a complement. It's not a payment, negotiation, or demand in the least.
2
(Oops, "compliment")
When a man compliments another man it's because he thinks a compliment is deserved. And when a man receives a compliment, he weighs it. If he thinks he earned it he says thanks. If he think it's nonsense, he says so. And if he wants to start a conversation, he just starts it. Men are superior beings.
2
A lot of of these comments begin with "women need to...". No, deflecting a compliment is just fine. Men need to learn the subtle pragmatics of modesty.
2
If a person's intent is to start a conversation, then just do it outright. Don't couch it in a compliment.
1
It is a conversation starter and no more. All of the "how to talk to anyone and build rapport" books emphasize this. Really people are so phony with the compliments, they absolutely have no effect on me anymore. There is nothing worse than insincerity.
I expected more from this than just a lesson that I need to small talk. I guess this is a lesson for us women who give compliments when we really mean it that society is simply "not ready" for us yet.
When a person doesn't accept a compliment, they're in essence telling the person who gave the compliment that they have poor judgement or taste.
This is silly! When offered a compliment, saying thank you is fine. If the other person wants to continue the conversation, they will. If not, accept the compliment and move on. Likewise, when giving a compliment, offer it and move on.
3
When someone offers a compliment, it is a way of saying they are "open" to additional conversation. People that can't read a straightforward cue like that are socially backward and a a large component of our loneliness epidemic. One more example of our loss of social fabric that David Brooks has written so much about.
How are we going to wake people up and rebuild face to face communications.
This was a weakly written article.
Right, like when someone says "How are you?," and you reply "well, I could be better; I think my allergies are acting up, and I have a nasty recurrence of my scalp psoriasis." A signal for connection and conversation? NOT.
3
A compliment is a gift and sometimes we want to know that the recipient is not dismissive of it. A simple "Thank you" can be taken that way since it is so short and vague. To follow up a "Thank you" with something like "that made me feel good," or "you just made my day," or "I hope you have a great day", confirms to the giver that the gift was accepted and appreciated. And statements like that don't make it a transaction or put one's worthiness in play. To strike up conversation, build on the compliment with something aimed toward a third party. "Thank you, that reminds me of the most beautiful rose I saw earlier..."
2
I learned from observing a Southern colleague, many years ago, to also say, "Thank you - it's so kind of you to say so." In that way, you are not only thanking them for the compliment, you are also mentioning that they are a kind and thoughtful person, to have taken the time to make the compliment.
17
Sometimes a compliment is just that - it doesn't need psychoanalyzing - or time wasted at work to consider all the possibilities. Some people have too much unproductive time on their hands.
10
I used to reject or downgrade compliments. It took me a long time to realize that, in a way, that was rude -- a rejection of the judgement of the one giving the compliment. Now I simply say thank you, and that has never resulted in an awkward silence. Just because the compliment may be an invitation to converse, doesn't mean the conversation has to center around the compliment. A simple expression of gratitude, a simple thank you, is what we need to hear more of.
13
The way compliments (and gifts) are received is also very culturally-specific. As an American from the South where in my youth accepting a compliment with a simple thank-you was considered arrogant, I quickly learned on moving to France that anything more than a simple thank-you should be reserved for very good friends. Among casua acquaintances, indeed on should offer a simple thank you and if one wants to continue the conversation, move on to another topic.
5
I very much agree. It seems to me that Ms. Bucior was just looking for an excuse to go on with dodging compliments. Of course a compliment is an invitation to have a (quick) talk but you can move on to about any other topic after just having said "thank you" without having to deflect the compliment.
1
Another tidbit from mom: when someone asks you an uncomfortable or impertinent question ("How much did your dress/apartment/car cost?) just say pleasantly, "Why do you ask?" It puts the onus on them to explain their nosiness. A sputtered, "Just curious," allows one to smile and move on, without answering.
9
I often complement people when I sincerely like something they have or they do. I want to help in a small way to make their day and in turn it cheers me up. Much of the news is nothing but negative and we have this easy way of pushing back. It is good advice not to dismiss a kind word.
10
My mother taught us how to accept a compliment at a very early age: "Thank you."
5
If a compliment is an invitation to chit-chat, why not respond,
"Thank you."
pause
"How are you?"
British people would never think Americans had this difficulty of self-deprecation. We fail to accept compliments all the time. So I told myself sternly that I will accept others' judgment. If they think something about me is beautiful, or something I say is profound, I will appreciate their taste and discernment. It does not pause conversation, and people here do not object.
8
Or,
"Thank you!
What do you like about it / Why do you like it?"
While it's certainly hard to argue with "the research", I'm not convinced that a compliment is an invitation to a fuller inaction. Saying thank you without any negative qualifications (e.g., it wasn't all that difficult, my job, lucky I guess...) would be my goal. For me, and I assume others, it's difficult to accept positive praise. I'm too used to "constructive (or not) criticism".
In the same vein, I would also suggest that it's also difficult to express gratitude, both to oneself and to the "provider".
5
An essay well-wrought. Thanks!
3
Sometimes a compliment is just a compliment.
Unfortunately, there is no rule you can rely on: you have to read encounter on a case-by-case basis, picking up clues like tone, context, the background relationship, the personality of the complimenter.
I think being able to navigate such matters is called "social intelligence." In any case, if you think or treat all such interactions the same (eg, "coded invitations...") then you need some learning in this area; there is no comprehensive rule: people are different.
15
Try this when receiving a complipment: thank you, I think so too. Or; thank you, I am glad to help. When giving a compliment consider saying why: I like your suit, it is so... Otherwise the compliment is either insincere or flattery.
6
Not necessarily: I often give a quick compliment en passant because I notice something I like -- a dress, a tie, hair, wild sneakers -- and I just want to give the wearer a little lift: "Great dress!" -- I do not necessarily want a conversation. And if the other person smiles, that's all I want. I'm talking here about compliments to strangers, office colleagues, neighbors. This heavy-duty essay seems unaware of the quick, pleasant lift a compliment can give to both parties.
35
It's worth pointing out that consensus on the correct way to accept a compliment is culturally based. In France it is considered unsociable - if not rude - to accept a compliment with a simple thank you. After a trip home, a French colleague related to me that while there she had responded with a simple Merci to a compliment, and the complimenter had replied "I can see that you've been in the States too long." I was gratified to hear this because it reinforced warnings from a "culture moment" in the textbook I had used as a university French teacher. Basically in France you can respond to a compliment in any way that does not indicate that you agree with the compliment.
Of course we're here, not over there, but I point this out because I can remember receiving occasional lectures here in the US from complimenters that approached irritable sternness (found in many comments here), along the lines of "Good Grief! Can't you just say Thank you and accept the compliment?" as if this were self-evidently the ONLY sane way to respond. It never hurts to be reminded that what may seem like the ONLY sensible reaction to a situation is not really that at all, even in another Western country.
21
I do not see the particular difficulty in responding to compliments. Different situations call for different responses; sometimes "thank you" is enough, sometimes not--but any response spoken in goodwill should suffice. (The complimenter should not be picky or judgmental here, else the compliment comes with strings.) A greater challenge lies in responding to backhanded compliments. How do you show that you are wise to the insult without actually displaying hurt or offense? Perhaps "how kind of you" and then a change of subject or end of conversation.
4
I like, "I can't tell you what that means to me."
1
I think this article forgets the fact that other people can make social faux pas as well. That lady could just have said,"You're welcome!" and went about her day. I would suggest trying to accept a few more compliments before jumping to profound conclusions about the social contract of compliments. :)
15
At 70, I regularly receive compliments on my hair - a beautiful wavy white brought back to middle age with dark "low lights" and a short, funky cut. Interestingly, the compliments often come from young Black and Latino men on the street - some in their teens - who get a big smile and warm "Thank you!" and African American women - who, in addition, are told "It took my stylist and I a year to come up with this," which is the response I give to most people. Different situations, different responses. Both appropriate.
At my age, being anything but invisible is a surprise - getting compliments on my style (also eyeware and necklaces) all the more so. I "play it forward" to women I pass on the street of see on the subway. "Great handbag!" can make a person's day.
31
I'd love to know who your stylist is! I've never been happy with my hair. At 62 I'm still looking for something better...
11
The writer seems to have missed the point of the articles she cites. The Bustle article she quotes is about how women tend to sabotage themselves by responding to compliments with self-deprecation or deflection. The article does not say that one should restrict one's reply to a two word "thank you".
There any many ways to respond positively to a compliment without insulting yourself or the person who gave you the compliment. In some circumstances a brief "thanks!" may be all that is needed. Other times a whole conversation can ensue.
But to say "Thanks, but..." or "It's so old I was about to give it to Goodwill" is insulting to the person giving the compliment, and to say "I feel like I look like a hobo" or "Hmm, you think so?" is insulting yourself.
The length of a conversation is independent of the topic of the conversation.
14
A Native NYer and long time DC resident, I find myself perplexed by the complimenting mores of my latest home, San Francisco. Frequently, complete strangers will interrupt my in awkward settings to throw out a compliment on my dress or appearance and then walk away leaving me without a meaningful response.
Examples:
1) A college age girl interrupted me while I was looking through my wallet on a dark crowded street to tell me she liked my necklace. I clutched my wallet tighter and said, 'uh..thank you?'
2) A woman in her forties interrupted me in mid-sentence while I was talking to my sister in a crowded craft fair to tell me she liked my jacket and then walked away. "I like your necklace" I called after her, "how rude was that?", I said to my sister with my next breathe.
3) As I was walking out of a theater a woman in her 20s or 30s stopped me abruptly by grabbing my elbow to tell me she liked my outfit. Then she walked away as I stood there flumoxed.
My sister, who has lived in that city for many years, finds this pattern is so common she, a former model who worked for Vogue early in her career, modulates her style of dress to avoid being confronted by strangers. We have a mutual friend in SF, also a female NYer who has remarked on impertinent compliments there, as well. She calls it enforced conformity.
I have decided not to reward this rude behavior with my thanks, anymore. I will say: I like my outfit, too, that is why I am wearing it!
Compliments, who needs them!
2
Never encountered this behavior in decades spent in the bay area. The interruptions are rude and unmitigated by the compliments. (Have experienced rudeness, just not this variant of it.)
It must be wonderful to have so much confidence that external compliments are an unwelcome intrusion. It may be a cultural thing. I grew up on the west coast and it is part of my cultural vibe to give compliments. But wow. I’m so glad that I’ve never encountered anyone like you in my 56 years. You could just smile, accept the acknowledgment and move on with your day. No response is required to a compliment. Although a smile and “thanks!” Or “you are too kind” both work well. None of the compliments given to you actually required a response. My guess at a craft fair where people are attuned to beauty it was a fleeting second of solidarity. I tend to wear my handmade one-of-a-kind garments when I go to such shows and the shoppers notice the pieces and frequently comment positively.
I receive a lot of compliments for my smile, my friendly eyes and my warm laugh. I am flummoxed when someone feels a need to command me to smile when I’m having a challenging day. Your harsh and judgmental response filled me with sadness.
2
“impertinent compliments” sounds like something from Gone With The Wind when Scarlet was wearing a curtain. Lol.
1
Ah, I understand this. I don't think it's good for either party to perform self-disparagement, and I also don't want to have a conversation about earrings or a pair of pants. If someone says to me, "I like your [object]!" I usually say, "Thank you; I do, too!" It may be an unusual response, because it always makes the other person laugh. If a compliment is a stretch for positive connection with another, then I think to express that the opinion is shared is to reassure that the stretch is accepted and reciprocal.
12
Right on! That's what I always say too, accompanied by a good-humored chuckle or smile that makes a momentary friendly connection. Then both of us walk away with a brief boost to our spirits!
Instead of critiquing the response why not dissect the compliment? If general, it can be seen as a conversational gambit, but made specific it bestows a clearly sincere gift.
Add specificity and you make someone's day...and a sincere connection.
9
Of course elongate the conversation once it starts. It's human interaction. Stop and talk. Compliments serve to begin a talk.
One reaches out. No hamstringing is involved. Nothing is required, yet engaging is the most appropriate response.
Why not? Find something equally interesting about the other person. We learn it in pre-school. It's a means of practicing random acts of kindness.
17
But what about the etiquette of compliments that are solicited?
As in "how do you like my dress?"
Or like when the Stable Genius goes around the table demanding that his cabinet members surpass each other in verbally prostrating themselves before him.
24
Ms. Bucior misses the point, or at least falls short of a fuller evaluation of a compliment. Yes, it may serve as an opener to a more detailed or substantive conversation. But it is also a "stroke," a way to acknowledge people outside of our ever-shrinking network of contacts in a non-threatening and positive way.
Equally important, the deflection of a compliment is a way to show humility, also in short supply in our Me First society and it's preoccupation with self-gratification and aggrandizement.
15
Er.
This isn't a binary decision.
I usually say something like, "Thank you, I just got it done today" or "Thank you, the blue color makes me happy".
In other words, the follow-on comment can encourage small talk while confidently acknowledging the compliment rather than shifting credit, downgrading, or trying to appear faux-humble.
It's ok to acknowledge that you invested time and effort into something and that you appreciate that it was noticed. Some version of "Thank you, I worked hard on this and I appreciate the acknowledgement" works really well.
75
Thank you, I am glad you like it.
1
Lessons learned: (1) There are people for whom "Thank you!" is not enough as a response to a compliment. (2) These are people I do not want to be friends with in the first place.
90
Compliments are often a way for the complementer to start a conversation.
"I really like what you've done with your garden," is often more than a compliment, it is an invitation to get more information on gardening.
16
When offered a compliment, I accept these as a bonbon and dwell longer on stings received. Earlier I listened for the duration of a May afternoon to an acquaintance recount her bitterness and resentment of years that bubbled to the surface. She came to the conclusion on her own that a vacation with a male companion would be in order to ease her heart and give her some joie de vivre.
'You have nothing', my Red Queen murmured in my mid-40s and I decided to take to my bed. The greatest compliments received in a life past sixty, I rarely share with anyone. Anyone might place a pin in the balloon.
One of the great joys in life is finding ways to give compliments. The best are meant to be unexpected and make the most dour of recipients feel better in some way. The receiver does not have to smile, or feel obligated to acknowledge it, but in the end, this small act of politeness is for both of you.
Mille mercis, Carolyn Bucior, and perhaps you will indulge us with an even more enlightening column, on the perils of making unfortunate personal comments to others. Wishing you a happy spring in Milwaukee.
20
Very wise, and elegant. As usual.
4
Ms. Dalmatian,
You are kind and thoughtful to come in on this column, and I have taken to enjoying your own comments on a myriad of diverse topics with great pleasure and interest. Many thanks.
Pro tip: The best way to accept a complement is to respond with a wild exaggeration. For example: I've enjoyed surfing for more than 30 years. I'm good at it, okay? That's a fact. But whenever someone I meet says something like, "I hear you're a really great surfer" I reply with: "That's not true. I'm not good, I'm the best." Instant chuckles. The person complementing you has gotten their point across and you've pierced the awkwardness of the moment. Thank you, and goodnight!
6
Hilarious: spoken like a man!
It seems to me in this day and age, everyone is fishing for compliments. Every time I visit my doctor or purchase anything, I get a survey. When I call a bank or other call center, the person on the line tells me his or her name and mentions that I can expect to get a survey in my email, and I know that person's employer is counting the compliments the worker gets (I have had the misfortune to work, briefly, in a call center). I must say that the compliments which have meant the most to me came from people who tend to be sparing with their praise.
12
Businesses trying to get you to fill surveys aren’t looking for compliments, but ratings. Apples and oranges. But if a customer service person does a good job you should take the time to rate them. It might contribute to an eventual raise, or even promotion, for that person.
21
Sing it, sister !
8
Someone at Social Security helped me so much I asked to speak to their supervisor and told her the person had been tremendously helpful.
3
I struggle with compliments and find them to be pure torture when I don't agree, yet I enjoy the exchange with a stranger. I see the opportunity to connect with strangers from a compliment and the talk is easy. This article challenges me to find opportunity that is not so obvious with a friend or acquaintance. Thank you.
8
My 26 year old daughter has recently started the practice of not commenting on anything to do with appearance. I love the concept of this and am trying to adopt it, though it is challenging. I like to make people feel good, so it is easy to say, "i like your dress" or "your hair looks pretty". The challenge is to really engage someone in conversation. And we are all so busy for that, sadly. So, if you don't have time to really talk with someone, and are simply passing by, why not say " i hope you have a good day." That's genuine and not focused on appearance (which is why it is so hard to take a compliment. There'e too much pressure in this media-focused world to feel genuinely good about how we look).
16
Your daughter has the right idea, Anne Marie - follow her lead.
"i like your dress" or "your hair looks pretty" ?
Oy vay.
And "i hope you have a good(nice) day" is the single emptiest, automated and most overused expression in modern American history, regardless of intent, enough to drive discerning adults toward the madhouse, and expression that deserves to be banished to the dustbin of linguistic history.
Sometimes it's much better to simply talk with your eyes.
14
One day, while I was working at a retail store, a number of customers visited who all either wore something interesting or put things together in an unusual way that just looked good. As a crafty person I have a great appreciation of, and find inspiration in, so many of the things I see everyday. For some reason I apparently greeted a succession of people that day by by complimenting them on one thing or another. I felt rather embarrassed about having done so when one of them questioned me by asking if everyone receives a compliment upon entering the store. I made a concerted effort to stop doing so.
1
To me your daughter’s pose — and I do think that is all it is — speaks of a selfish motive. She wants to make a statement by not commenting on appearance? That’s for her own satisfaction, not for others. Saying something (sincere) to another person with the intention of making him or her feel good is, on the other hand, an act of generosity and kindness. Who cares if the comment has to do with appearance? If someone has dressed carefully for an event, for instance, why not tell that person that they look especially nice that day? I am so tired of everyone politicizing basic, social interactions. Sometimes it’s just nice to be nice, Anne Marie.
4
Why is Thank You inappropriate? "No problem" or "sure" is an inappropriate response to thank you. I understand language is fluid, but courtesy and civility seem to be flowing away from daily interactions in US.
42
I also feel like, "You're welcome" is sorely lacking as well and has been replaced by "no worries" "no problem" or "sure"
2
Instead of 'No problem' which landed in our social midst at least a decade ago, 'My pleasure' or 'You are welcome' might be reinstated.
2
Most of the time, a "Thank you" or "Thank you, I appreciate you saying that" is totally adequate and appropriate. I think each situation is different. It may be more about reciprocity, than whether or not you say the right thing in accepting a compliment.
25
While working on my gratitude by thanking and complementing people I've run into this dilemma; my social capacity is 20-24 hours a week and for others it seems limitless. Those who see any spoken word or smile as an opening to socializing are exhausting to many of us.
Thank you.
19
I agree with you! Saying "Hello" and behaving in a friendly manner is not an invitation to begin talking for a lengthy period of time. That's like being the party guest who doesn't know when to leave. Exhausting.
8
James,
You raise a good point because on occasion when asking for a cup of coffee from someone, I tend to want to know the story of the person's life. But if I can make someone laugh with a simple-minded pleasantry, it makes for a pleasant parting of the way.
5
Once after a show I had the chance to tell a musician that I had enjoyed his performance, and he replied, "It's nice of you to say so." I thought that was gracious -- he turned the compliment back to me. I now try to do something similar when I am complimented.And, yes, the whole point is usually to keep the conversation going, at least for a short while.
56
Performers and presenters do like getting feedback, as long as it’s not fawning fandom. It’s important to recognize when they don’t want to linger.
5
"The answer: a coded linguistic invitation."
Yes, but the invitation is not limited to the option of self-deprecation.
You could return the compliment.
You could take it as an invitation to talk about something related, from where you got it to why you chose it for today -- weather, party, expected visit, anything -- or just how good you feel today and how you'd like to share that.
There are other invitations here than to run yourself down.
20
Yes, for example, if it was "I like your dress," what about something like "Thank you, I really enjoy wearing it.
How's your day going?"
That's an open invitation for the complimenter to either stop and chat, or, being busy, to say "It's going great. Hope yours is the same. Bye (or See you)"
Still not sure what's wrong with "thank you" in response to a compliment or any other small kindness (someone holding a door for you, letting you go first through a door, or giving you the last shopping cart).
A little simple politeness is appreciated by virtually anyone. And God knows, the US could use a little more simple civility in our daily lives and political discourse.
Similarly, I don't see what complements are somehow a gendered social interaction either. EVERYONE likes compliment--on SOMETHING--and there's nothing inherently condescending about complimenting someone else either.
18
My thoughts exactly.
I think saying "thank you" with a genuine smile is perfect! If you want to continue with a conversation, it doesn't have to be directly about the compliment, you can segue into anything you like.
1
I've developed a response to compliments that feels right to me: I say, "Thank you--what a nice compliment!" That way, everyone in the exchange shares a little bit of happy.
22
But reading your explanation, it all seems a little rehearsed, pre-arranged and lacking spontaneity....that's no way for a Greek Goddess to live.
8
Ah, wise Socrates, but it preserves my dignity and masks my awkwardness without my having to lay waste to a village--a win-win in my oracle, even if it doesn't get me many sacrifices.
I started using the plain "thank you" recently too. No one has ever reacted negatively to a sincerely expressed thanks and big smile (and an uncontrollable blush) without a deflective embellishment that leads to small talk. I would suggest that if anyone, friend or stranger, is offering the compliment for their own reasons, like to initiate chit-chat I may not want to engage in, that's their problem - and a total misuse of the compliment. A compliment is a gift, and a true gift is offered without strings attached. Want to start a convo? Say, "Hi! How are you? How's your day going?" If you expect more than a sincere thanks for your compliment, question your own motives in giving it, not the recipient's perfectly polite and acceptable, "Thank you!"
200
I guess there are not enough things for people (especially women) to worry about--now we have to ponder and ruminate about what to say after someone gives us a compliment.
NO thank you.
32
Holy cow what a bunch of mule muffins. I'm happy to be exiled and outcast by simply speaking honestly than score enough points in this insane game of fakery.
20
Sing it, brother !
1
Justice Now,
This is how great wars often begin and honesty is not always the best policy.
4
Mule muffins! That is the best.
2
Your friend was unkind then.
A warm thank you is enough.
Giving compliments with an expectation of something else - that's commerce.
"Thank you, your opinion means a lot to me" ... maybe.
But a gift freely given is freely given and 'thank you' is enough.
And - the gender piece of this conversation....if we don't want to push everything through the gender extruder all the time - then let's not.
Thank you.
40
Was it Emily Post (or Miss Manners) who said the way to accept a compliment about your clothes or your home's decor or your new car (or most anything ) is: "Thank you. You have very good taste."
14
I once had a boss who insisted the only way to respond to a compliment was to say, "Thank you" I knew that was hogwash, and after a quarter of a century, it's gratifying to know old JLK was wrong.
3
Even "thank you" is passe. You say it and don't even get eye-contact as acknowledgement. Maybe eye-contact is passe now.
2
Pasee might even be pasee. I can't worry about stuff like this! Seems like a lot of separate realities. Or maybe rituals? My life is much simpler. As in don't worry about anything. Be genuine. This seems like the small stuff, worrying if you accepted a compliment correctly.
Ridiculous.
If "thank you" is insufficient, then the compliment was insincere.
36
As a man, I completely ignore what a female colleague looks like and make absolutely no comments on appearance, dress, hair, etc. I do provide compliments on cookies though.
26
Not all compliments are equal. If a compliment seems sincere and is offered with a friendly, open smile, I usually respond with, “Thank you. That’s very kind of you.” This is especially true when it comes from a stranger. But sometimes a compliment is clearly insincere or — worse — loaded with indirect insult. Meant to be a barb. Women often do this kind of thing to each other. The response there is a neutral, “Thanks,” and then either change the subject or find someone nicer to talk to.
The formality of exchanging compliments — one for one —has always felt fake and uncomfortable, to me. At a rural retreat, where most attendees dressed in hiking gear all day, I complimented a women who had clearly taken great pains to dress stylishly for dinner, and I meant it sincerely. She reciprocated with, “You look lovely, too.” Me, in my grubby hiking clothes and scraped-back hair? This is one of those circumstances where the recipient is forced to deflect, because the compliment is clearly false.
A sincere compliment can be a gift. I try to compliment people —even strangers — whenever I see a reason to do so. You can see that it brightens their day. They’ll smile and say, “Oh...thank you!”, and feel good about themselves for a time. That’s how it should work: accept kind words as a gift, freely given.
6
Maybe you looked lovely for yourself, aside from your clothing. She may have been sincerely going beyond superficialities.
6
I was not implying that she meant anything negative, Thomas, but that it was an automatic act of reciprocity. That’s what bothers me. A compliment should be accepted graciously, not bounced back.
I agree that bouncing a compliment back makes it meaningless. I dislike meaningless politeness (and I support meaningful politeness, of course.) Thanks for your explanation.
Forget the small talk. I'll take the simple "thank you" (and a nice smile if you want to give it) over a potential hijacked turned narcissistic conversation any day.
9
This compliment thing in your essay is how a woman should accept compliment. But what about men? Should'nt they any rights to be complimented. Besides, in these fraught times of #MeToo, a compliment might take a very dangerous turn.
4
Know your audience. The older I get the more skeptical I am of making ANY compliment to a woman 5 years younger than me. The fact that men are hardly noticed or encouraged to be noticed certainly plays into it.
2
To a married man of a certain age, a professional driver, he helps with the weekly errands and his company is enjoyable, he always says when depositing the groceries on the counter 'Call me if you need anything'. This is kind and meaningful.
Earlier as he was leaving, I bantered about writing a small book 'My Wednesdays with Louis', causing him to reply that we can always go elsewhere. It is a courteous quiet understanding that this could be a viewing of the Hudson river in spring, and not a room at the local motel.
When I teased an engaging young technician, old enough to my grandson, with 'What, no one-night stand!' and he paused for a moment, the blame of this faulty laugh was mine.
No compliments were extended by two friends when this farcical misunderstanding was relayed.
Some men at the moment are probably keeping the doors cautiously open, but hopefully a polite compliment need not lead to perdition and a fate worse than death.
1
Men will take anything as a compliment:
"Nice weather today."
"Why, thank you."
22
Some men have a subtle sense of humor.
13
“It’s appropriate. I like when people dress appropriately.” What kind of compliment is that? Is that a comment about the way I usually dress? And who is she to tell me—or anyone—what’s appropriate? Appropriate for what—my age, my body? She didn’t have to say anything. Why did she have to say that? I hate her! I’m never talking to her again.
36
Terrific essay for a peculiar phenomenon. Now can you write a companion piece about how one might apologize sincerely?
6
Goodness. The last thing I need in my life is more banal chitchat.
9
Funny, I always found men, more so than women, to have a harder time taking and processing a compliment.
2
Still sounds a lot like policing what a woman says. Let us respond to compliments however the heck we want to, and everyone: please stop telling us what to say and how to go about saying it.
10
If you want to engage in small talk or get a compliment back, then engage in small talk or fish for a compliment. Otherwise, dont get mad when the person you are speaking with does not respond with the exact words you were expecting.
3
There should be a clear distinction between a genuine compliment and an undeserved platitude. Some compliments of dress, made by a man to a woman, are inappropriate. I recall once struggling with words when I wanted to compliment a saleswoman at an optometrist's on the pattern on her tights. "Does one say tights, or is it to intimate?" -- I ended by using the word stockings.
Also, the good taste forbids complimenting the hosts at a table on the quality of food served -- I do not know, why.
1
So the failure to add a comment to a "thank you" after receiving a compliment is tantamount to a test for being on the Asperger's scale by showing a lack of appreciation for social expectations. Language acquisition and good usage seems to require a theory of mind.
3
I would thank you for this insightful article if I found it to be so.
2
Why must everything be so transactional? Why can’t someone giving the compliment just get satisfaction out of making someone feel good?
10
A simply "thank you" is, and always has been, the right way to take a compliment.
You felt the "pause" button because *you* were uncomfortable saying it, and made your conversational partner feel she had to fill in the awkwardness which resulted.
Getting comfortable saying it is the answer.
Resistance is, and always has been, rude and wrong.
You might work on the conversational skill of filling an awkward pause with an interested question instead of rudely negating the compliment.
4
My mother was incapable of taking a compliment with or without saying anything because she never felt anything she could do was worthy of one. Not really one for small talk either.
2
I once received a compliment, and I was so taken aback I didn't know how to react.
5
The appropriate way to accept a compliment is to simply simply "Thank you." No explanation or excuses. No self-consciousness. The polite next gesture however is turn the conversation outwards. "How are you doing?" rather than "I got it a cute shop in such and such a place." If you don't know the person, ask them something about what makes them like the XYZ. If the compliment is about a floral dress, how about "Oh, so you like carnations?"
What you say doesn't really matter. The important thing to remember is you're shifting the conversation from "I" to "you." That's how you present polite interest in the person offering the compliment. That's how etiquette works. Obviously a conversation will normally ensue. If the person starts dumping too much detail on you, politely excuse yourself.
8
This may come as a surprise, or even a shock, to many people, but not everyone in the world likes "chitchat," or wants to engage in pointless small talk, or even pointed small talk. I myself go out of my way to avoid "chitchat," and will continue to slam the conversational door. Anyway, saying "Thank you" is simply a matter of common and ordinary politeness, and we don't have to turn it into a deeply meaningful signaling exercise. Call me a curmudgeon or grouch if you want to; personally, I identify as a chitchat conscientious objector. So shoot me.
7
Americans take life too seriously. Same applies to a good sense of humor. Sarcasm is considered a good sense of humor. I say its fine to accept compliments, lighten up, really laugh heartily instead of plainly saying "Thats funny".
I'm one of those women who finds it almost impossible to say "thank you" to a compliment without nullifying it with some self-deprecating addition. But, after reading some similar advice a while back, I have taken to meeting the complimenter's eyes and saying, "Why, thank you. You made my day." It has the benefit of almost always being true, and it makes us both feel good.
10
Does the fact that we rarely compliment men on the street suggest that actually compliments are a kind of patronization or condescension? Or, does it mean that we just don't expect men to chit-chat?
1
Wearing my yellow pants and summery blue shirt & high tops today I was complemented several times. "I like your outfit!" said a woman in the hallway....."You make me feel happy" said the owner of the flower shop. I think they were genuine.
My usual response is to affirm the comment. Something like: "Yes! I like it too! Makes me feel 'springy'!"
And smile and move on.
21
A few years ago I noticed the same pattern with compliments among the women I work and study with - ‘I like your skirt’ - ‘it’s so old’ ‘it was on sale’ ‘I look so fat in it’ ‘I hate it’ ‘I almost threw it away’ - what should have been something nice became an expectation to hate on yourself! I resolved to just say ‘thanks!’ or a comment away from my looks to function instead ‘I love the pattern’ ‘it’s my one of my favourite colours’ ‘I’m so glad it’s cold enough to wear it again’ ‘it’s super comfy’ or my favourite ‘I made it myself’. I noticed that some people were disappointed not to receive a self deprecating comment in return for their compliments, and eventually they stopped giving them. Others were surprised at first but took it as a chance to talk about their own favourite colours, comfiest clothes, items coming back in season, or whether or not I might be able to teach them to knit (yes, always yes). I can do without the compliments designed to generate a put down, and the compliments I do receive now are from genuine friends.
6
@Beth: Yes! I had colleagues like that, too. It got to the point where the compliment was really a barb, and really difficult to avoid or respond to in any kind of neutral, polite way.
In all seriousness, When a beautifully turned out woman compliments you on a day you've been fingerpainting with kindergartners without a smock, you know she's playing mind games.
Exactly. In American speech practice, compliments are a form of phatic communion.
1
"... the compliment is a coded invitation to chitchat..." No, it's a compliment. Done, move on. I give them to brighten someone's day as I pass by. It's a one off. But then, I'm a man.
5
"Thank you": I appreciate the compliment, but I don't want to talk to you any more.
"Thanks" (followed by silence): get away from me you freak.
"That's very kind of you": I don't really believe you, but I appreciate your trying to make me feel better.
"This old thing?": At best, I'm embarrassed by your compliment; at worse, I think you're lying.
"Yes, I've always loved this dress (or tie, or whatever)": means what it says, except it's not always true.
Compliments are an invitation to human interaction. It doesn't necessarily mean a lengthy conversation; maybe just a nodding daily relationship in the neighborhood. We have to make our own decisions about who we want those relationships with.
But these comment have given me a lot of ideas as to how to give and receive compliments. I guess I don't think about these things much.
To those who belittle 'small talk'--most large talk begins with small talk. I've never been very good at it myself, but I envy those that are.
3
It is interesting that researchers equated receiving a compliment to receiving a cash gift. I have often anecdotally commented to my friends that each compliment is worth $50.00.
Spend $100.00 on an item and 2 compliments later, it has paid for itself. I know it is a silly way to view your acquisitions, but apparently not as silly as I thought.
1
OOOO NOOOOO. As a female nerd somewhere along the Asperger's spectrum, I am, after reading this, wholly terrified of giving or receiving a compliment ever again. Do we have to over think this? I say "I like your dress" when I like the dress, and would have liked to have bought and worn it myself. No more, no less.
Help, I can't adult at this interactive level.
13
That "Prevention" article starts with some examples of compliments received on a tennis court. If I may use that as a metaphor, I wonder if, instead of treating compliments as tennis balls to be lobbed back for a conversational volley, it's okay sometimes to receive them like a flower receiving water from a watering can. How about if the recipient simply (and of course not TOO flamboyantly) blooms? "Nice dress!" "Thank you, you're kind to say so and I do like the way it looks on me!" No overt invitation to small talk but the compliment-giver does get the gratification of having made someone feel good, which is real.
Xactly. A compliment is a conversation starter. A simple "Thank you" slams the door. Better to give an outfit history or far better start chatting about whatever comes to mind.
1
Not entirely sure this observation addresses accepting a compliment, but one observed cultural difference between Canadian and the US citizens is that Canadians often respond to a "thank you" with "you're welcome", while many Americans often seem to respond with just a "uh ha" as if unsure what else might be said. I think a simple thank you is in fact a courtesy compliment, an expression that your help or comment in whatever form it took was sincerely appreciated, so perhaps one should practice both giving and receiving a compliment and the world would feel just a little more civilized.
5
Some Young Americans respond to “thank you” with “no problem”. Try parsing the meaning of that.
A compliment definitely shouldn't be negated, and is an opportunity to engage, but shouldn't have to be.. If a co-worker said "I love your dress" I might say,"O thanks! Big meeting today! So, that's really nice to hear".. or to a neighbor maybe "O thanks so much! I love your new flowers!..I give alot of compliments and try to make it specific and sincere..."I love those earrings!"..I hope they appreciate it. I don't need to engage. It IS awkward if someone compliments you face-to-face to JUST say thanks. It's always a chance to connect in some way, even if you only have time to say "thanks! great to see you! let's grab coffee soon"..
1
There's an art not only to accepting compliments but also of crafting the compliment so that it expresses precisely the sentiment you wish to express. Sometimes an earnest compliment just comes out the wrong way. About thirty years ago, when my wife and I were starting out as musical entertainers, eager for positive audience reactions, a woman came up to us after a show, full of enthusiasm and good will, and here's how her compliment came out: "Ya know, there's so much junk on TV...You could be on TV!" We thanked her as graciously as we could without laughing.
13
Ha ha. Maybe she meant that if you were on TV, then there would be that much less junk on TV!
I enjoy using a simple "thank you" as an opportunity to open a conversation. For example, "Thank you! You're so kind. [smile]. How are you doing?" I feel like in this way I can graciously accept their generosity and kindness, but also bring it into a real two-sided interaction that I deeply enjoy. It's what I feel most comfortable doing. Certainly it is not, and doesn't have to be, the preferred method for everyone or every compliment.
14
Being 62 years old and having discovered 3 years ago that I am on the autism spectrum, this type of article is of tremendous help to me. This is just one aspect of life in which many of us on the autism spectrum have to learn how to respond - nothing, or at least very little of the nuances of human interaction are picked up by us organically as we go through life. Thank you.
9
My stepmother taught me the most gracious way I have ever heard to accept a compliment: "Thanks! I'm glad you like it!"
13
Odd. I have long said, "thank you" or simply "thanks" often with nothing following. Conversation still happens. I suppose one might add, "it's a favorite" or some such about a dress, but it's not necessary.
Right, though, that too many women simply cannot stand to let the complement ride. At my Mom's wake, I approached a woman I had known growing up. She had borne and raised ten kids and was always a bit roly-poly. As I approached her I said, "You look great" (she did, having aged gracefully). Her response was, "Well, I'm fat." That was so sad to me. I was a relative stranger not having seen her in decades and not really at all adult-to-adult. AND, she did look great - and was actually less "fat" than I remembered her being years earlier...
3
To me that woman’s reply is a signal that she wants to just acknowledge the obvious (she Is carrying more weight than she would like to) and get past that. You can’t agree with her statement, of course, even if true, but you could say something like, “Oh, no, (Name), you are absolutely perfect.” And then change the subject and ask about her children, etc. But do find something specific to compliment her on, in that conversation! Maybe tell her she has beautiful skin, if she does, or that her outfit is really flattering, if it is. Find something to make her feel good about herself for a bit. Was she especially bright, funny, or kind when you were young? Tell her you remember that about her, fondly. Deflection doesn’t always mean back off.
2
I have always complimented men for their looks. their intelligence their sense of humor and a lot of other attributes. They love it. I get huge smiles, lots of hugs and thanks. It is very easy for me to do. It is the best way to initiate a great conversations and exchange knowledge. I don't see why it is so problematic for most people. Most people I met came to visit, brought their kids and their friends, men and women.
I don't like small talk and usually get straight to things that matter. My husband and I have an extraordinary social life. We often help them with their careers, find a job or just made them feel good about themselves. It is an art that develops with time.
We have the most popular shop in our neighborhood. People like to be appreciated and recognized. Fame and fortune doesn't cut it for me. At one point I got seek 10 years ago. My neighbors plowed my sidewalk, some brought me prepared food they made for an entire month and some opened the shop for me. I was overwhelmed by their kindness and generosity.
The advice given in this article is rather simplistic, it's okay for people who don't want to be engaged.
7
AS an elementary teacher and a male, I have seen that compliments among my co-workers have always meant something else: "Good Morning", "How are you?", I see you," "I like you," "I am on your side," etc.... I have always joked that this was female bonding behavior. I have also noticed that many men do just the opposite: We actually joke about our friend's appearance. It serves the same function as the interaction among women. Of course, this behavior is not universal at all. With all this said, when I make a compliment, I just mean it and really don't have any other purpose. Usually, I just notice the clothing, tattoo, etc and make a comment. I often hold my comment because I often fear it may be taken as something more. To avoid this discomfort I think it is important to follow up the compliment with further inquiry: Where did you get the shoes?, What does the tattoo mean?, etc... I really want the compliment to be understood as just that. I have had some amazing conversations with people with the followup questions.
7
"Thanks! I really like this (dress, hair style, tote bag, etc.), too." I've been known to give a scarf to a complimenting stranger, just because... Confident this gets played forward.
7
What a provocative column...and what great comments. I love that among the top rated comments are those encouraging small talk, or as some would have it, communication, engagement, and those who believe that we should be communicating as higher deeper incisive selves or only matter of a factual nature.
I'm ambivalent. Reading the comments has been education for me--and I'm an old dude. I still often don't know what to do. This may be the most interesting comment thread I've ever wandered along!
10
To those who have had the keen intelligence and obvious good taste to recommend me: Thank you!
4
Oh, please, please, please. Could all of this overthinking narcissism end? "Thanks!" and a smile is great. I don't give a compliment in order to talk...I'm just expressing an appreciation of a visual experience. If I have to have a conversation with every compliment, I may have to stop giving them.
9
I have literally never had anyone respond like Caren to a cheerful, "Thank you!"
I suspect the experience was an outlier that the author is reading way to much into it.
14
Hog wash. A compliment is a compliment. The only response it requires is a genuine thank you. If the giver feels a need for something else, that's his/her problem. It's a gift, and supposedly, gifts are given from the heart, not because something is expected in return.
23
Compliments are nice most of the time. But there are those moments when compliments do hurt. That said, having received both the nice kind and the hurting kind I find that saying "Thank you" to the former is appropriate although I will occasionally ask what the person likes while my response to the latter is to simply nod my head and move on.
I like giving compliments too. Very often it puts a lovely smile on the person's face. Sometimes that small compliment about the lovely dress, nice pair of shoes, or neat tie or t-shirt makes a person's day.
8
I'm sure some will disagree, but times when I am told that I am great or best at something, I often demur, minimizing it. It is not because I lack for confidence or self-esteem, but my feeling is that minimizing ego is appropriate in a group or team setting. I've become aware, over the past few years, as my spouse and I have considered leaving the country for something more amenable to our personalities, that traditional male egotism is not something to emulate but to avoid. Honest, it hurts sometimes, since there are benefits to having a bloated ego, particularly in combative male environments like finance and technology, in that egotists often prevail.
8
You could probably just leave the City. Leaving the country is not necessary. Try Milwaukee?
1
My feeling is that it would have a more sophisticated urban environment. Manhattan is great!. I have no issue with the politics or our life in NYC. Many other cities would suffice, like LA, SF, Portland, or Seattle. The issue is the US culture at large, epitomized by Trump.
Although it sounds simplistic, using Hofstede's cultural dimensions, Trump embodies the exaggerated traits of Americans. In moderation, such attitudes are not so bad, but in the aggregate makes for a horrid country with low quality of life, with short-sighted, gender traditional, and self-serving policies that harm more than they help.
Not quite related to the topic, but my mom _hates_ when servers at restaurants/ customer service people say, "no problem" in response when she says thank you. She insists that they should say "you're welcome" and that "no problem" makes it sound like the person thinks they're doing you a huge favor by serving you. I bristle slightly when a server says "you're welcome" because to my ear, it sounds just slightly passive aggressive. There's just not a one-size-fits-all way of interacting! Everyone takes things differently.
21
Please tell your mom she has a lovely way about her.
MDM - I'm with your mom on that. "No problem" is a generous response to "I'm sorry" - as in, "you needn't fear that what you have done has caused me too much distress, discomfort or inconvenience." I think the much better response to "thank you" is "you're welcome" - as in "you're welcome to have and to enjoy [whatever it is that I just gave to you or did for you]." Why even interject the idea of a "problem" into those situations? Here's why: it's the inadvertent result of linguistic laziness.
Imagine this:
- "Nice dress!"
- "Thank you!"
- "No problem!"
- [Huh??]
1
It's not "passive aggressive," it's basic etiquette. Listen to your mother, she knows of what she speaks.
interesting - as a guy my first thought was most people only talk to others when they want an opportunity to talk - about themselves. So there's that.
OTOH I often like to compliment females in passing if I see them dressed interestingly - with no further need to talk (about myself).
I am often struck then - if I am in a supermarket or such, that the female I complimented will often then start to hang around nearby apparently wanting more conversation - and then appear somewhat disturbed when I don't spend more time talking to them.
Frank in Sydney Do you even hang around long enough to hear "Thank you", or more?
If you were ever to mean your compliment as an opener, then you would consider it a (rude) brushoff if the recipient just headed for the Lean Cuisine without engaging in conversation. The women you mention are probably expecting you to continue talking (not necessarily about yourself), and confused or even miffed that you don't.
OTOH, if you are actually speaking of their attire, not an overall "You look great", then they should realize you're not interested in them. We're not born knowing that distinction; I'd bet you are speaking to young women.
I don't think there's any justification to treat nuns -- whether of the 13th century or today -- as symbols of female self-abasement and recessiveness in quite so unexamined a manner. Possibly there are some women religious like that, but it's hardly at the heart of their vocation. Rather, they value truth, and honesty, for themselves and for everyone. And so they understand that a certain measure of humility is fitting for one and all.
It's those who indulge competitiveness and seek frequent signs of approval, whether they live in "the world" or in a convent, who are seriously confused.
7
Isn’t this overthinking things just a bit?
58
I agree! Everyone knows that social life is really easy, transparent, smooth, straightforward, and direct, and that comments like the one I am posting don't exist.
2
Of course it is. This is the new world order according to NYT. Analyze everything to death, even how to take a compliment.
1
Although being humble is the female response in a strongly-gendered country like the US, my guess is that it would be appropriate for both genders in Scandinavian countries. The issue is not that women are lacking something for being humble, our society lacks gender equality, hence lacks humbleness as a neutral standard.
Are you suggesting that women behave, and think of themselves, in the same unrealistic terms that many men think of themselves? Note recent studies showing how male students think they are smarter than their study partners, even though they have the same or lesser grades. Rather than justifying the egotism of our society as expressed in men, maybe you can appreciate the civility and equality of women.
5
I disagree that accepting a compliment needs more than a smile and a thank you. It depends on whom gave it. I give compliments all the time and don't expect or actually want small talk. I just want to acknowledge that I liked someone's hair or nails or way of speech. If they are a stranger, that doesn't mean I necessarily want to draw out our conversation.
If I get a compliment from a stranger I will usually add something small to my thank you: have a nice day, this is an old favorite, but I don't feel compelled to talk. That sounds more like someone is giving me a compliment in order to coerce me into conversation.
18
I like your article! And thank you! Compliments are a way of approaching someone and starting a conversation. I've had this conversation with my dad several times when he asks why anyone would comment on someone's shoes. It's a way to get them to talk. It's a way to make a connection.
13
I usually agree with them and then say where I got the shirt, tie, or whatever. Mention my hair, and it's usually because I just got it cut, so I say so. I wouldn't be wearing the said clothing or whatever unless I thought so too!
3
I say,
“Thank you so much! That just made my morning! You know, I was meaning to ask you, ...”
The second sentence can be subbed for something equally bright and positive but contextually appropriate. It still fills the slot in the conversation and fits the usual rhythm. Then I reciprocate with a question.
Mission accomplished, without putting myself down. I’ve thought about this a lot, starting when a good friend in high school bluntly analyzed my response when I deflected a compliment on a dress by saying its low price. He was right— it was a graceless response. I searched for a long time for the perfect alternative, so I loved this article!
23
Not sure if this is a positive: when someone compliments me I have learned to do the opposite of the deprecating remark. I tend to say, "Thank you, I love it, too!" and then start explaining why. Hopefully this is engaging in the invitation? Perhaps simply saying "thank you" because that's what you are supposed to say is like saying "I apologize" when you have no remorse. Sincerity is perhaps the key. Honestly, every five years or so, if a woman compliments me on, say an inexpensive necklace and I'm not overly attached to it -- when they are truly taken with something and I can tell, I will sometimes give it to her. Because that simply seems like a nice thing to do.
8
My favorite way to respond to a compliment is to say, "Thank you, I'm glad you like it." And I make sure that I smile when I say it. That usually leads to a sweet exchange of pleasantries.
18
I'm one of those women who find it almost impossible to say thank you without a self-deprecating addition.
So, after reading some advice similar to that offered here, I tried adding something on the order of "How kind/nice/dear of you to say so." But that often netted me a retort on the order of "I'm not being kind/nice/dear; I'm being honest."
These days, on the rare occasions I receive compliments, I try to meet the complimenter's eyes, and say (with a smile in my own), "Thank you. Your compliment made my day." It has the benefit of almost always being true, and it usually makes both of us happy.
48
The vast majority of the compliments I receive have nothing to do with the speak wanting to chat. They are usually an expression of gratitude for some kind of job well done. They are also usually a part of a farewell. I never receive, or ever have received, compliments on my clothes or appearance. Maybe that's a difference between men and women.
I was raised to think that giving women compliments was a good thing. Now I fear that, say, telling a receptionist that I like her outfit, or the way she's done her hair, will be taken as a unwanted familiarity. I.e. creepy. This isn't so much a problem with women my own age (over 60), however. Maybe that's generational thing.
13
Since the offering of a compliment is an act of kindness and an invitation to a conversation, you could respond with: "Thank you, that's kind of you! It was so very nice of you to say."
In effect, you are returning a compliment, and leaving the door open for a conversation. Mission accomplished and a kindness returned.
17
You don't have to stop with just those two words, Thank you. You can say, "Thank you for saying so. That's very nice to hear!" Or "Thank you for saying so, "I've always liked this dress/I like the way my hair turned out/I felt like the speech went well, too." Or "Thank you, that's kind of you to say so," or "Thanks, that makes me feel more confident." Then it really is a person-to-person exchange of feelings.
66
The "problem" in the past was that women made self-deprecating comments when they were complimented. The advice was to drop the "this old thing" line of conversation and just say thank you. I still believe it is sufficient to just say thank you when complimented. If you believe small talk is required, segue to something else. No one really wants to hear how you rummaged through the piles at the Salvation Army thrift store or how you dropped thousands of dollars at Saks Fifth Avenue.
18
"If you just say “Thank you,” you’ve missed the point."
I'd argue that people who offer a compliment and are sorely disappointed with a heart-felt "thank you" in return are missing the point.
281
In Wisconsin, if we do not voice some humility when given a compliment, we may be judged as “putting on airs”. I struggle not to self deprecate immediately as a reflexive response.
19
This is interesting in that our current environment closes a door for many men; In the past I might compliment someone regarding their clothes, hair, etc as a means of starting conversation. However, now I dare not tell a women I like an article of clothing, hair, eye-color etc for fear it will be thought of as inappropriate. I can still tell a man that I like his tie, shirt, beard etc. Difficult, when better communications between the sexes is what we need the most.
27
Compliments don’t always have to be with regard to appearance or apparel for goodness’ sake. How about finding ways to compliment a woman’s or a man’s attitude, behavior, et cetera.
21
misses the point of "our current environment". we've had a brutally honest team performance report. doing better is a skill you/we CAN improve. it's going to vary based on person and context, but we're capable of figuring out what small talk topics people actually appreciate.
3
It's fine to compliment anyone on their clothing regardless of gender. The best way to do it is to tell them what you like about it. For example, you can tell them that the color of the tie suits them well, the floral pattern of the dress is nice, that their hair looks great in the headband/ponytail combo, or that you like the ruffles on their blouse and are glad that's back in style. If your intent is to tell them that you like the way their body parts are shown off by their clothing, that's the line between appropriate and inappropriate . Sticking with compliments on aspects that they consciously chose to portray is key.
2
Doesn't it depend who is doing the complimenting? Our reactions to any comment depend on whether it comes from a friend, a neighbour, a boss or a random stranger. It's OK to indulge in a little 'really, this old thing?' with a friend. Self-deprecation isn't always a sign of insecurity or an inferiority complex. (Plain thanks are not necessarily a conversation-stopper either.)
But once I was complimented on my dress by a male professor: I pretended not to hear, never wore a dress in his class and never went to his office again. Sometimes even a 'thank you' is too much.
19
I wonder if the fact that the reader lives in Wisconsin matters here. My sister-in-law is from Wisconsin, and she's joked before about how she gets into "compliment competitions" with friends - "you look great!" "no, you look great!" This is a funny cultural thing where she's from, whereas I find it mystifying and would feel really fake saying anything more than "thank you." There are other ways of keeping the conversation going by simply asking, fro example, "how's your day going?"
16
As a transplant to Wisconsin, I agree that the paying of compliments here feels almost (passive) aggressive and often insincere. As someone who doesn’t notice aspects of appearance unless they are particularly striking in some way, and even then, rareIy comments upon them, I frequently notice the awkward pause after I offer only “thank you” in response. And, like it or not, a failure to appropriately participate in the social norms of a small community (of which there are many, many of both here) places one at a disadvantage. I would agree with the author that this behavior is gendered to some extent, but I’m disappointed that she chose to fall in line with the norm instead of refusing to be bullied (sorry—not the best word to use, but I can’t think of a better one).
I often say: "Thank you! That made my day!"
Because a compliment can do that -- and we often think something good about a person in our heads, but don't share it with the person -- and we should do that more often.
By the way, I really liked this article. :-)
108
That’s what I say too! I guess we’ll easily know if we ever meet and exchange a compliment!
4
Oh, c'mon, small talk, forced empty smiles and pleasantries are the banes of American civilization.
The reason you were flummoxed about the “I like your dress” comment is because it was a vacuous comment wrapped in a forced smile celebrating another bane of civilization, fashion.
Two banes don't make a right....or three for that matter.
Instead of complimenting and 'have a nice day'-ing each other to death, perhaps Americans could learn to develop personalities, some intellectual substance and instead of soaking themselves in a black hole of politeness.
We all know small talk is spiritual suicide.
Next time, tell your vacuous neighbor..."thank you, I just shoplifted it....do you want me to get one for you, too ?"
That ought to send her back to where she belongs while simultaneously liberating you from her wretched small talk.
Life is good.
207
Oh Good Lord, please chill out! My deepest, best conversations (including with select coworkers) are about our understanding of the Divine. Do you think I lead with that? Of course not! I dig, bit by bit, into a person's perspective by starting with gentle, "superficial" conversation and pay attention to clues about whether I should go deeper or stay at the current level of conversation. And if the clues tell me to keep it surface level, at least I've had a pleasant exchange in the lunchroom with someone who would otherwise have walked by me without so much as a howdy-doo.
135
Indeed, Socrates.
I suspect there are many who can accept a compliment but cannot accept the premise of this column.
24
I agree, Socrates.
Sincere compliments on meaningful aspects are powerful and likely always welcome: "I admire your courage." "I appreciate how clearly you said that." "Your sense of humor is wicked." "Your kindness is moving." Anyone can say these things to anyone, regardless of gender, age or station in life. They reinforce the attributes that make society better. They express what we value.
Superficial comments about appearance or clothing can create confusion and discomfort, especially because they are so often heavily gendered: a lot of scrutiny and commenting on female appearance, and then a lot of judgment about how females respond to those comments.
Let's make more of an effort to acknowledge and compliment things that matter. If we must comment on appearance, let's compliment people's handsome dogs and adorable children (or grandchildren.)
31
If I receive a compliment on my appearance from someone I know well I will often say, "Thank you! It took a lot of hard work for me to get (whatever) to look this good and it is so nice to have it appreciated." Folks often get a chuckle out of the remark and, sadly, at age 77 it is true.
52
Like many altruistic things, people often give compliments not strictly for the other person, but for themselves, because they want the satisfaction of the person's reaction and the small debt of gratitude that person will owe them. They compliment because they want to be thanked, and probably complimented in return. That's why I think the best reply to a compliment is to acknowledge it and then compliment the other person on something, although that isn't always appropriate or possible. The next best thing is a really sincere Thank you that demonstrates you were touched by what they said. And then I agree, keep talking, don't punish the person with awkward silence for trying to be nice.
9
I have to disagree with you, Samuel. When someone brings something remarkable into a situation, be it in their appearance, behavior or whatever, my compliments to them are offered with no strings attached other than to encourage them.
11
Saying a simple "Thank you" should not cut off conversation. Most of our responses to compliments are to minimize and dismiss them, because to acknowledge them would be to engrandize ourselves - or so the thinking goes.
Continue the conversation, but don't minimize and dismiss yourself in the process.
7
I agree; I continue the conversation, but I try to find ways to accept the compliment without downgrading myself or the complimenter: "Thanks, but now that I'm outside I realize it's a little chilly for this dress!" Or, "Thanks, I like this dress because it reminds me of my sister."
6
I've always found Thank you to be satisfactory, maybe because I'm not a very outgoing person, but I've always worked on the right intonation, something that sounds like I appreciate the compliment - and I do.
Just the other day, I was planning on buying new shoes and a woman walked by and said "those looks great!" and I responded with a gracious thank you! - and that was enough to make me buy the shoes, because I'm frivolous. Then in the check out line, this same woman is chatting up another customer visibly uninterested in the conversation, and I had to second-guess my frivolous decision to buy shoes based off of someone who might give compliments so frivolously!
9
Just because she's chatty doesn't mean she wasn't sincere. The shoes probably are great. :)
2
I do think it depends on what is being complimented. If someone says I look great for my age, I say thank you because I work at it from all aspects everyday. If someone compliments my hair colour choice, I say thank you and finish with saying that my stylist and I communicated beautifully to create the outcome.
3
Compliments too frequently contain the edge of envy and so, to ward off potential aggressive retaliation, we mute the part of the exchange that calls attention to our excellence or good taste.
10
Thank you is quite enough, thank you. The whole idea of small talk is an anathema to me. I compliment folks all the time and a simple "thank you" has always been enough for me. Guess I better shut up and keep my compliments to myself.
What's going on with the NYTs? Columns extolling the virtues of greed in women, how it's important to clean your own house, and now a column about how to accept a compliment. No thank you!
59
So you don't like small talk? That's interesting. Are you a Capricorn? How about them Mets? Boy traffic jams are annoying, don't you think? Hot enough for ya?
My usual response: "Thanks. What a nice thing to say" or "Thanks, I appreciate that." Anything is better than a put-down like "This old thing?"
116
One response I usually use (particularly when someone is complimenting me on my work, not so much my apperance) is "Thank you. That's very kind of you to say."
One issue I have is when you say "Thank you" to someone (perhaps to your server at a restaurant or someone ringing you up at the checkout) and they say "No problem." Whatever happened to "You're welcome."? It's a simple, appropriate response and, yes, it does close the conversation but in those circumstances, it is appropriate.
28
The response of "No problem" to a "Thank you" in the situations you mentioned is one of my pet peeves. I haven't said it, but really want to respond with "I didn't realized that my spending money at your establishment was a problem."
30
I compliment people frequently and sincerely, especially men--they don't receive enough compliments.
I agree with you on the "no problem" irritant.
It's "thank you" and "you're welcome." How did so many folks make it through childhood without learning a little basic etiquette?
And while we're on the topic of etiquette, addressing a 57 year old stranger as "Miss" is as insulting as addressing a 57 year old man as "son."
I very much deserve my "ma'am," don't rob me of it. I like a heartfelt compliment too.
2
Good point. I find Canadians typically say "you're welcome, but Americans, at least the ones I've encountered, say "uh-huh."
2
Is this an American thing?
In London, even with a total stranger, it is entirely appropriate when complimented to reply "Thank you, what a lovely/kind thing to say"
282
Doesn't context have something to do with it? For a passing moment on the street, no one expects a compliment to turn into a conversation, especially if it is shouted as the parties go off in opposite directions. A social event is different. There you would go for turning a compliment into a light conversation.
55
I think that we women sometimes take compliments too literally, i.e. wondering if we really look exceptionally good, doubting whether we truly did an outstanding job at work, and miss the deeper point that the compliment was given to make us feel good about ourselves.
The spirit in which a compliment is given means even more than the topic of the compliment.
8
When given a compliment, I frequently respond with, "Thank you! What a nice thing to say."
27
Another way to make a compliment an exchange and not just an observation is to add something about how the compliment makes you feel. "Oh, thank you. You just made my day." "Thank you. That was nice of you to mention." A compliment can be a conversational gambit, but the one giving the compliment is often hoping that they are making you feel better. That they are giving you something nice and both sides end up satisfied when the compliment is appreciated. Often that takes just a touch more than the expected and common "thank you."
271
This is my approach. A warm smile and “Thank you. How nice of you to say so.” We both walk away feeling buoyed.
7
Women often compliment each other as a status check- you seldom hear men compliment each others' hair or clothing because we are socialized to assess status in different ways. (Not necessarily better ways.)
12
" You give great compliments , the BEST compliments ".
62
I like Dolly Parton's response:
Thanks, it costs a lot to look this cheap!
7
Having read this, I'm not left knowing how I'm supposed to accept compliments. "Thank you!" has always worked just fine for me.
69
I've always found Thank you to be satisfactory, maybe because I'm not a very outgoing person, but I've always worked on the right intonation, something that sounds like I appreciate the compliment - and I do.
Just the other day, I was planning on buying new shoes and a woman walked by and said "those looks great!" and I responded with a gracious thank you! - and that was enough to make me buy the shoes, because I'm frivolous. Then in the check out line, this same woman is chatting up another customer visibly uninterested in the conversation, and I had to second-guess my frivolous decision to buy shoes based off of someone who might give compliments so frivolously.
I'm not sure I've made any point here.
16
The shoes look great, Jack, and you make them look even better!
I like your column.
49
Well, what a nice little passive aggressive gesture. Kudos.
2
Thank you, I love your shoes.
SKK - thank you for the laugh!
I suspect that much of the reticence is due to the fact that people assume sarcasm when someone says something positive. "Oh, what a dress" may be mocking or it may be a compliment. Most people train themselves to respond almost instinctively to these out of the blue remarks from strangers, and so "thank you" is pretty safe. The problem with the instinctive response is that it will likely be used even in a situation when the remark was a genuine compliment. Maybe when there is less sarcasm, there will be more give and take that the author would like.
7
No worries: this op-ed could fill a trunk with small talk.
43
Of course just saying "thank you" kills the conversation - it leaves the other person with nothing to respond to! There are plenty of ways to apply the "Yes, and" principle without deflecting the compliment itself.
In the scenario described here, you might say, "Thank you! Now that we've got this beautiful weather, I can finally take it out for a spin!" or, "Thank you! I love this color combo, it's always seemed kind of '60s to me," or "Thank you! I'm a sucker for floral prints." You just have to follow up with something that gives them some conversational traction. There are countless ways to do that without dismissing the compliment or sounding self-aggrandizing.
533
Totally! Or you *can* just say thank you, but not say it curtly. Make you reply profuse, as in "Oh, thank you so much!" (big smile). And then you can say "how are YOU doing today?"
19
What if the goal is to end the conversation?
9
You obviously know the art of small talk. Your comment has some nice examples of how to express appreciation and invite further light talk. :)
10
Your friend Caren acted strangely to me. What else were you supposed to say? "I know?" Did you ask her why she took umbrage at your polite, "Thank you"?
Did she expect you to compliment her on her appearance? If so, that automatically nullifies the compliment she made as compliments--if sincere--are gifts we give each other. Compliments should not be transactional. We should never expect to receive one in reply.
Yes, women need to be more forthright in their acceptance of compliments--and taking in that small bit of appreciation. This means acknowledging the sincere and rebutting the passive-aggressive and insincere.
Good will and kindness--in such short supply at the government level during the Age or Trump--must be encouraged and amplified in our daily lives.
Ideally, we pay it forward.
I hope everyone has had a good day and has a great weekend (whatever form it may take).
241
Context: It was in Wisconsin. I.e.: Lake WoeBeGone. No kidding, I recently engaged “Ralph’s Hardwood Floors” for work at my home (excellent workmanship). In every reference, I thought of “Ralph’s Pretty Good Groceries”.
4
I initially had the same thought about Caren, but I wonder if she picked up on the author's discomfort in using a simple "thank you" response. If so she likely felt she needed to qualify her compliment (not knowing what was causing her neighbor's discomfort).
14
"Pay it forward" applies to situations where one is unable to pay it back at the time. If there was nothing about the neighbor the writer felt authentic in complimenting, some other pleasantry would suffice.
Although I can tell the story in a different way.
Take the compliment out of the equation. Two neighbors approach one another on Main Street in a small town.
The writer admits she had heightened focus on herself and a new approach to social interaction she's auditioning. Her impression of the exchange is so surreal and awkward that she writes a piece about it (at the end of which she abandons the experiment). She plays over in her mind and imagines it as seen from another perspective.
Was it not?
Let's assume the writer is not the only person the neighbor has seen along Main Street. From "I like when people dress appropriately" we can infer she's been displeased by inappropriate dressing.
The compliment is shouted, as in could be audible to others. Perhaps the inappropriate dresser themselves, walking behind the writer, just around a corner, washing their car or what have you? The silence described as awkward, the look described as hard, the comment taken as a change of subject, could all be the point of the neighbor's comment all along.
Perhaps this isn't a story of a writer's inability to come up with words to say, but of a neighbor's willingness to return a social offense in kind, by shouting a snide remark at a third party's expense in their earshot.
8
I taught my children to accept any compliment with ease and a gracious tone. And don't forget to compliment others when the circumstances warrant.
Would that I could follow my own advice!!
18