This is a great column, as are the comments, and I appreciated the NYTimes flagging it as an easy re-read this wintry day.
Having watched SNL's skit last night, "Millennial Millions" (something like that), also have to chuckle, just a bit, at all these achieving Boomer seniors, against the context of that sketch.
It hit a lot of the right notes, for both generations (and even
Gen X).
Laughter is good, right?
17
At 81 the mantra I use is : there is nothing I can do about getting older, but I never want to get old. And if you are up in years, you know what i mean by 'old'. We stay active and interested in all things, and look forward to tomorrow with zeal. We seem to be an inspiration to younger folks on our travels, especially when we snorkeled with the group every day, and I made 8 dives in the beautiful Indonesian waters. Like other comments, we despair at the horrible way our country is being run, but just try to ignore the foolishness.
52
As a literally perfectly happy retiree at 75, my advice to other solvent geezers is simple. (If you haven't had the lifelong prudence to be solvent now, not rich just solvent, no one can help you; you've had it.) Just figure out what you really enjoy, and do it as much as you can: for me that means reading great literature, keeping up with the farce of American politics, experiencing as much beauty through great art (visual and musical) , and traveling for beauty and stimulation as much as I can afford and have time to. Despite your obsession with health and living longer, eat dessert as much as you possibly can, as well as the food in general you actually love. Live each day as if it's your last, and focus all you can on avoiding all you don't like and experiencing all you do to the utmost. As long as your health holds (yeah, go to the gym), and you're not sadly, hopelessly poor, or mentally ill (depression, anxiety, or whatever), you really have no excuse in this age of 4K TV, streaming music over good equipment, good public libraries, and Kindle, for not having the best years of your life right now. America may be decadent, falling apart, and stupider and more amoral by the day, but what do you care? You'll soon be gone, right? And part of the decadence is the greatest provision of fun for all in the history of world culture, at home or outside. Anyone who is bored in today's America is blinded by serious mental illness. As Nike would say, "Just DO it."
98
Articles on this subject continue to be rather rare, even in the NYT's where many, many of the readers are in this demographic. Actually, most of the readers if not already in this demographic, will be before long... if you don't get old, it means you died earlier, even if you drive an oversized, lifted, black dually truck you will get old.
13
I'm 87 now and I truly feel this aging stuff is the pits. I had a fashion
career that I miss and loved my work and now I fuss over the
news , the world state, and the future of our country with an idiot
in the white house. Other than that I did write a novel and was
working on a mystery, but decided that writing is a lonely business
and I prefer going out - to movies, ballet, museums (thank god I
live in NYC) and going out with my neighbor pal to dinner, crab
cakes Wednesday night at the Oyster Bar in Grand Central station (gorgeous place)wandering down to Greenwich Village, etc. etc.
A woman passed by me the other night and said, "you're a beautiful woman" - nice to hear at my age, but I can't agree with her. Keeping busy is a must for me and maintaining standards I've always lived with is important too. The world has gotten cruder, ruder and less civil and young people seem to lack the knowledge
of history for the most part. I've always been a positive person but now I find myself in patches of despair with the world around me.
There is a lack of respect for the elderly and that's a shame as they have a lot of wisdom and life experience to offer. Here and there you can find a young person who appreciates the stories that come with living a long, adventurous life.
82
How disingenuous to write an article on aging well and leave out a major factor that affects many elderly--poverty. Money cannot solve every problem, but it sure does ease a lot of them. Perhaps you should write a column dealing with that.
65
We have two outcomes of time: We get older or colder ~ I prefer getting older ( with grace and gratitude ).
21
I'm enjoying reading these thoughtful comments about aging gracefully. As an active and fit middle aged man, I've promise myself to age well, too.
What can we do for my father-in law, though? He's so up tight. A classic narcissist. Rigid, lacks self-awareness. We can't be around him. He's exhausted our mother-in- law with his pettiness and need to continuously tie up loose ends. Discussions always center on his money; preserving his money. And, judgmental beyond belief. He's losing his family. Thoughts?
6
Just walk away, Renee. Figure out how mom can live on her own and leave him to watch his financial reports. MIL deserves to enjoy her final years. Divorce the guy and move on.
26
I am not yet 70, but immensely looking forward to become a cranky old nutter. I already stopped being patient with children and modern parents that cannot keep them under control. (parents toying with their cells while their children need attention are my favorite targets of "that look")
I support all organizations that promote euthanasia at any age and at any state of mind or body. I do not need anyone to tell me what church or law disapproves of, in this matter.
All I really, really want is to be able to see Trump and his family parading in orange suits, performing those weird small steps one makes when shackled.
91
@sf_ Be careful. Hate will age you quickly.
17
When I see a column by Jane E. Brody, I almost invariably read it because she always has something of interest to say based upon her own experiences and/or those of others who are also informed. I read this one in March 2018 and again today 12/31/18 because my memory is not as good as it used to be :-)
11
For the past two years, I have been painting women who are "old-old" and have met some interesting women. One of my favorites, Dodie (93), wrote recently, "Being very old is like being hugely pregnant -- psychologically, that is--people try so hard to not be obvious about wondering when. Wish I might put them at ease but I have no idea, any more than the Indonesians on the beach when Krakatoa blew, the other day. Life's a precarious business."
I also recommend Martha Holstein's "Women in Late Life."
19
The loss of hope, joy, and purpose can age one pretty quickly.
13
I have have found more interesting elderly who are robust and busy with their lives than young people who unless they are go getters ( I sponsor scholarships for those) they are glued to their phones and not sure what to do with their lives. Part of the reason is too much involvement of their parents in their lives. I am continually amazed at the extremes in young people's behavior - they are either aggressively seeking out opportunities to gain scholarships, get ahead in their careers or afraid to leave their comfort zones. I know not a few seniors in high school that are afraid to leave their home state for college. What happened to adventure that was second nature to the baby boomers? Their children and grandchildren didn't get the memo. Compared to this youthful listlessness I know those over 70 that are busy volunteering, working out, and having fun - age doesn't limit them.
17
I have loved to write all my life. The quality of the work has been evident from encouraging responses to my writing since I was 12 years old. But I knew regardless of the quality of my work, financial success as a writer was a longshot. My dreams were placed on a shelf prior to retirement.
I have been retired for about 4.5 years. During that time I have taken writing courses and hosted a writer's group at our home. I have written three volumes of memoirs one of which I have self-published. It has been an Amazon best seller several times. I will soon be publishing the second and third volumes.
lt is very meaningful to reach out to others with my regrets, joys and wit. At the end of my life I find it comforting that my thoughts and words will have a permanent place, for both my offspring and those who draw meaning and at times laughter from my work.
21
@Curiouser
Give us your name or book title so we can check out your memoirs.
12
These sort of attitudes that support healthy aging, are only possible, it seems to me, when one is sufficiently self-aware and willing to engage in reflection. In addition, a strong foundation is important, in good emotional and physical health in one's younger years? Good piece, thanks.
13
When you've got your health, you've got just about everything, as the old Geritol ad put it. Easy to find meaning in life when you're still busy with life, working, traveling, gardening, motorcycling at 80. We've been lucky so far to have made it deep into geezerhood in good shape and with no prescriptions, but by nature we're inclined to take the long view, so, while we enjoy the days as they come, we want to plan for what's coming, both for us and for the country, in the next couple of decades or so. We're all on a one-way trip to Oblivion, after all, and most of us will arrive at the station as battered as a well-traveled suitcase and missing a few marbles. If we're really lucky, we'll live well, have a great day with the family, and then just not wake up the next morning.
As for the country, an attitude is evolving that old people are just a burden on society. The bolus of aging Boomers will indeed be an economic burden to be carried for a couple of decades before the numbers drop off, and if we don't either raise taxes or increase the numbers in the workforce to support health care for all, families will bear the financial and emotional burdens in a society that says, sorry, pal, yer on yer own. "Half a Life," an episode of Star Trek: the Next Generation, deals thoughtfully with the problem. Aging is a social issue as well as a personal one, and the search for meaning and happiness in life extends well beyond the individual.
38
@R Nelson: Geritol, by the way, had (has?) a very high alcohol content. Explains a lot, no?
9
I look back on my life like a baseball season. There were wins, and there were losses. There will always be some losses over an entire season. But the trick for happiness is to focus on the season as a whole, and a memorable win or two.
And as for those losses..........who cares?
22
We live in a very self-absorbed society. Unfortunately older people tend to get very self-absorbed anyway (fear, insecurity, not feeling well, many many reasons). So if you take selfish, self-absorbed people and then add age it's a very tedious, dreary recipe.
And, yes, ageism is very real. I've been aware of it all my life. People do not like to be around others older than themselves. Like teenagers who think older people aren't on their wave-length. It never ends though. I also remember as a child being literally creeped out by old flesh -- even though all my grandparents were immaculately groomed, perfectly fit for their ages, and lovely individuals.
Old people get sick. Up until recently if you were around sick people you could also get sick, your babies could get sick, etc. Also nature seems only so-so about older people reproducing and it carries a lot more risks for mother and child. If sex makes the world go round, and clearly it does, certainly that creates some aversion to older people.
And let's not forget people used to politely drop dead when they were 60 or 65. There weren't really "old" people hanging about being an extra third-generation. Grandmothers were around to help their daughters with young children. Grandfathers were around when grandchildren were pre-teens to go fishing or whatnot. It was lovely for everyone.
Die young, stay pretty:)
11
Most human misery cones from the inability to sit still. Most of these opinions feed that, like advertising, creating fragile expectations. You will never miss anything when you are dead. So chuck the bucket list. Read a book about ruins rather than tour ruins. Knowledge keeps.
The secret to a good old age is good health and a short memory
11
I am 85+ and am NOT ready to go. I try to remain optimistic & spend time being
active, exercising and trying new things. In our area, I started a 4th Friday party
for the 4 summer months. All ages of neighbors join in-I luv discussions with them. I sleep "late", play 3 sports (so-so), read the paper and watch TV enough to keep up. Stretching the mind seems to keep it in good shape. Eating well,
no smoking & limited liquor helps-as does going to docs, and doing this page.
41
this year will mark my 80years on this planet, so much do i owe the internet it connects me to the world and the big apple that is so beloved by me, spent time at the irving trust building at one wall street one of the most beautifiul buildings in the world ne York though is a tough city it was laterin dc that my years as a bank officer and stockgroker bore fruit now life is in Fredericksburg Virginia in a house with no stairs but i have lived to see a gay man rise to become the ceo of the richest company on earth apple mr. cook makes me swell with pride, yes, i had a private high school education and yes i went to the Wharton school but at night and my employer , a bank paid my tuition iwas a teller but it was rough work all day go to school, but the teachers ans students were great i miss that i believe in fate and destiny it always entered my life and i will never never go to a nursing home
23
Will you marry me?
20
Gardner Molloy was still playing tennis at ninety four! And winning!!!
6
"I've seen the future it is murder." Leonard Cohen
9
I'm in my mid-70 and find it objectionable when I'm told about so-and-so who's also in his mid-70s and is still positive, optimistic, courageous, and able to adapt and cope in flexible ways and does this and that and the other thing.
Leave me alone to be negative, pessimistic, cowardly, unwilling to adapt and with little interest in doing much but reading and watching TV.
I've paid my dues and I'm certain that I've earned the right to just do nothing much but complain.
67
Yes you have! This is "your time!" You can use it how you please! But just based upon your response, I bet you are hoot and a joy to be around! Your humor tells it all!
30
In my seventy fifth year I have learned to "live in today', because the past has too many regrets and it's frustrating to try to control the future. This "discovery" can benefit others as it a truism for all. As I age I require less sleep and I find myself arising before dawn. I have a longer day to live. My to-do list includes both required tasks and desired accomplishments. I have greater appreciation for the good times and a better acceptance of the bad. Today's technology allows me to study online and provides a path to further knowledge. Most of all my enjoyment of others and a new found respect for their journey has opened a whole new undiscovered land of opportunity. I have more time then ever, because I am living in that time.
32
Always bristle at the suggestion that people avoid interaction with old people due to fear or avoidance of old-ness, generally. The positive aging mindset of some of the "oldest-old" described here is fantastic, though unclear how widespread, and geriatric psychiatry ought to be widely available. But what about the old/oldest-old who do not have this mindset (perhaps neither presently nor in their younger years) - negativity and pessimism and complaints can make someone difficult to be around regardless of age, calling for healthy boundaries.
3
This article made me realize all the activities and goals in which I participate yet I, at 69, am ready "to go." I have been taking pilates lessons for 16 years; my teacher is 76 and my pilates partner is 78 and is constantly looking for other exercise opportunities. I just started a program of 10,000 steps a day and already feel guilty if I don't achieve it. For the past two school years, I have been mentoring a young woman in a scholarship program for poor children. I encourage her to use me as a resource; my 69 years have given me the life experience to be able to see around corners; to look down that tunnel and ascertain whether that light is the end of the tunnel or the light of an on coming train. I just started tutoring "reluctant" readers in another tutoring and mentoring program. I recently rejoined a needle group -knitting etc. My husband and I have traveled extensively and continue to plan more ambitious trips. But I wish that we could choose the time of our deaths and be provided with ways to end it and not be put into locked mental illness wards when we take things into our own hands. Although all these activities make my days pleasant, I am just hanging around waiting to go.
16
WhenI was very young I remember watching elderly people and how they coped with age and infirmities. I learned that their are three things about growing older that can make a difference. First accept that there is nothing you can do about old age, so accept the fact while you are young. Second, make sure you are always socially active as this will prevent you from isolation in your older years.
Third, live on a budget during your younger years so that you will have the money you will need to sustain you. These are the only steps that you have control over. Try to keep your sense of humor. Laughing has bee proven to improve ones outlook. If you find yourself depressed do some kindness for someone else. You would be surprised how that will lift your spirits.
30
In March, I joined the Old-Old group at 85. I paused for a few minutes in silent memory of those I knew well and loved who were never given the chance to reach this age.
I have 11 great-grandkids.
Last summer, I re-read Uncle Tom's Cabin with my high school great-grandson so we could discuss it before he wrote his paper on it. Last month, I talked with my oldest great-granddaughter about how to say 'no' and 'stop' when she begins dating hormone raging boys.
Being old is a gift. Enjoy it any way you can and to the best of your ability.
49
I almost died 19 years ago and I knew it. What surprised me at the time was my reaction to the whole situation. I was at peace with death as a possible and probable outcome on that specific day. To my surprise I wasn't afraid. Well, obviously, I didn't die, but I did gain a whole new perspective on being alive, and on the fragility of life. Like everyone else, I assumed death was somewhere down a distant road, and it would be a dark experience. Alas, not only is it as close as the next breath, it is a big part of the life we live each day. So, since that day I've lived my life on my terms. No self-pity. I wake up and go about my day without taking it for granted. I don't have much time for people who complain or feel sorry for themselves. I don't like gossip. Got a problem? Fix it. Don't like something? Walk away. The choices are theirs and the choices are mine. Last year, at the age of 68 I took up the violin. Next month I'll give a recital in a pub of everything I've learned. Am I any good on a violin? Who cares? It's fun! I'm going to play that thing until the day when I can't then I'll put it down and do something else. I've done that my whole life. I've been a writer, actor, director, photographer, teacher, singer, guitar and mandolin player, I had a marriage fall apart, and another one that grows everyday. I've got good kids and wonderful grandchildren. I'm either going to die decades from now or later today. So what? I'm here for the ride and enjoying the view.
96
I also survived a serious illness in my 40s, and am now in my 60s. I sometimes think of a man I know who was drafted during the Vietnam War. He was sure he was going to die. At the end of basic training, his entire group was sent straight into combat but he, inexplicably, was given a desk job on a base in Europe. He told me that every day since then has been a bonus. I look on surviving my illness in much the same way.
24
At age 69, I was trekking in the Himalayas. At age 70, I couldn't' walk around the block. What happened?
What happened is that although I never had any cardiovascular problems, I had a statin drug pushed on me. I went for a second opinion, but unfortunately, the cardiological practice I went to, I now know, got near to $300k from Merck and Pfizer. I believe that this influenced their thinking. Why else would they tell me that "some people think statins should be in the water supply," or make the absurd statement that "statins are the reason Americans live longer now."
Worse yet, why would they tell me that "the science isn't there yet" when I asked if there was a DNA test to show genetic predisposition to problems with statins. Untrue!
I had what was a perfect older age. I traveled in Cambodia, Thailand, Singapore, Nepal, India, Malaysia, often for months on my own. At home I hiked an hour or two almost every day, did tai chi, swam, kayaked, trained in the gym. I loved my life, and I was thankful for my amazing good luck. I could jump in the air at age 69 and kick over my head.
Almost half of Americans over 75 are on statins, and no one has even proven benefit for this group. Risk of death and devastating damage, however, is certain.
Yes, I can read and watch DVDs. I listen to music. But aside from not being able to walk or stand for more than short periods of time, there is the constant pain and fatigue. And I know lots of older people like me. StatinVictims.com
30
Now that I am in my 70's I know the meaning of "success."
Now that I am in my 70's I know the meaning of "success."
Do you know someone rich and famous? Is he confident, popular, and joyful all of the time—the epitome of mainstream success? Or, on the other hand, is he stressed, having second thoughts about his life choices, and unsure about the meaning of his life? I am willing to be that it is the second one. Mainstream marketing and media have effectively brainwashed our society into accepting a false, even potentially dangerous definition of success. Marketers want us to believe that having lots of money, living in a big house, and owning all of the latest cars, fashions, and technology is the key to happiness, and hence, success. This overstated, falsely advertised myth is hardly ever the case in real life. True success requires respect, appreciation, integrity, and patience—all of which are traits that by human nature are genuinely difficult to attain—especially in the face of modern marketers who relentlessly deceive us, control our thoughts, and usurp our independence in order to increase their bottom line.
10
@howard cohn. Sorry, but I don’t agree. You don’t have to watch those ads or buy into that life style. Whether you do, or not, is completely YOUR choice.
6
I'm 82. Broke my ankle in a fall 2 months ago.....I'm going great....walking, no help....soon to go up into the mountains.....
One thing I don't understand is "finding meaning in life". I never believed that there was any meaning to life. There is meaning in the moment, but not in a whole life.Life just happens.
48
My 91 year old neighbor Joe is my role model for a well-lived old age. He has his various infirmities, bad knees, etc. but he is one of the most positive people I know. He is kind, courtly, fun to be around, and he is outward-focused. He stays in touch with his many nieces and nephews, and friends, and he is interested in their lives. Joe never married, although was in a long-term committed relationship and lost his partner to cancer 8 years ago. He goes to Sunday Mass every week; his faith is very important to him. When he turned 90, so many friends and family came to celebrate that we had to visit in shifts!
My takeaway from twenty-four years of knowing Joe: as much as you can, be a source of light, not of darkness.
42
I am 70 years young. I get up every morning at 5 AM walk my two dogs. I then listen to college lectures on You Tube. I feel that I am at the peak of my existence and live life to the fullest every day.
34
one of my first political activist friends was in her 60's, when i was 24. she became one of the most important people/friends i ever had...40+ years later. she taught me so much. first lesson, making my work "more perfect..just like the preamble to the constitution...our work is never really done, even though you have done a remarkable job with this project, but lets work on making it more perfect." (a great way to praise and at the same time say it needs improvment) later i went to college at 44 to 49 years old, my chance to be with young people and it was great in every way. my lesson: in general they did not think the baby boomer ideal job placement, one job, pension, loyalty to biz/boss was a good thing. "how boring a life, i want to have many jobs and move and meet lot of people." i took this to heart and began to listen to ecomonic news with a different 'ear'. this proved to me i had lots to learn from young people. it is very hard to find these venues where young/old can sit together and really share...the 'pub' or 'tav' after school or work does still work, but it's difficult to transfer into everyday life. keep trying 'old' people we have a lot of important things to learn, many of which will help us feel more confident in the future.
9
For ME (now in my seventies), the best thing about being old is: whatever it is that I’m worried about…I won’t be worried about it much longer!
26
A while back - with the good fortune of crossing paths with some world-class neuroscientists - came to realize even more fundamentally what a machine the mind is...
Its scale and connectivity is fantastic - but finite..
No more or less wonderful a machine than my arm - which I can make go up or down, though more stiffly with time...
A machine where you can peer into the gearbox - and get disoriented and fall in and get ground up, if you peer too deeply or too long...
A machine whose mood you can make go up or down - though it may take help of different kinds, at different points...
And - why should it be any different than blood pressure or cholesterol level, in that sense...
But - more profoundly...
Is there any card-slot or chip-socket in there for God...
Am long past trying to know for sure...
Just find - when I think of God, I find myself smiling more than when I think not...
And I do know for sure when - gazing into the face of a newborn infant - God smiles back at me...
Perhaps God is an app - or the world's oldest meme...
..........
For clarity - the path-crossing was mercenary, not personal...
4
I am 78 and still very active. Always positive, yesterday I fell and hurt my leg, difficulty in walking, fortunately nothing broken. In a week or so, I will be better. I am grateful that nothing worse has happened. And the life goes on.
21
I read with sadness comments here where old people declare they have to forsake whatever “pursuit of happiness” is left in life because Trump is president. I hear them and shout, “Wake up!” to anyone who believes this fraud of a human being is anything but bad for America.
15
My mom is 95. Last week I was visiting her at the assisted living place where she lives outside SF. I asked her if she was happy. She looked around and said, " what do I have to be unhappy about?".
35
I am going to print out and give this article to my Dad (86). With my Mother's passing two years ago it seems he is heartbroken and lonely to the point of no return.
10
Happiness is a state of mind. One can be happy or unhappy at any age, it depends on one's choice. Choose to be happy, you are happy at any age. In old age, keeping fit, well and healthy, thinking positive generates happiness. Feel happy, then, everything seems to be happy. Old people must interact with young people with appreciation may bring happiness. Create happiness. Spread happiness. Remain happy forever.
10
At age 93 I am enjoying life each day and love to print photos and enlargements for family and friends. Doing something for someone else is a great stimulant and preserver of youth. Laughing a lot helps too, along with plenty of red wine!
35
I am in my 60s. I have always liked older people and spent time with them. I was and still am fascinated to hear their stories of living through the Depression, being a chorus girl in 1930s New York, and immigrating from Nazi Germany. They had ups and downs, good times and bad, just like me. I’ve watched my older friends struggle with losing loved ones, their mobility, health and mental function.
I am only now beginning to realize how much having those friendships has and is helping me with my own aging. Older people are not an exotic species of life… they’re just younger people with a few decades added. Old age is part of the life cycle, with its own tasks and its own rewards. Yes, some adjustments have to be made, and hopefully, long years of living will can give us some wisdom to do that.
29
You have a loving family, which to me is the key to meaning. For people without close family, close friends can be just as meaningful. All the Pulitzers in the world can't substitute for that. In fact, in a way your piece sounds as if you're trying to convince yourself you've been successful enough, done enough, climbed high enough, gotten enough. It's not about that. It's about connection with other people, deep connection. And it sounds as if you've had it, have it, will have it.
14
I guess I am getting old, at 64 I can't say I'm middle aged, but in my heart I now feel pretty much as I did when I was about nine. I'm one of the people who feels it is wonderful to be retired. I worked hard all my life and tried to make it look easy, because I never wanted to freak out my family I guess, but it wasn't easy at all! Now I'm learning about "taking it easy" and it's the best. I can just stare at the beauty around me or stay home and bake a cake or read the NYTs! Having time to stop and smell the roses is a wonderful gift. I feel very lucky and even when my luck does run out, I still hope to feel lucky.
83
At age 82 as my feet first hit the tile floor in the morning, I remind myself that life is not real, that we are all riding a ball of rock, soil, sand, mud, air and water that is spinning around our Sun at about 73,000 miles per hour while we pick up heat, light and growth from our Sun, which is good, but we are also being bombarded 24/7 by all the trash that is zipping through the cosmos, rocks, boulders, asteroids, comets and occasional meteors. Then we must consider that scientists tell us that our Earth tilts every 30 to 50 thousand years, beyond recorded history, which tilt causes our Sun to strike Earth differently, so that the Arctic and the Antarctic, which has been frozen for thousands of years, suddenly melt, and we are living on a whole different Earth. So don't get too stuck on how things seem as we grow older. Things will change and there is not a damn thing that we can do about it. Happy Easter!
15
My mother just celebrated her 102nd birthday. She remains mentally sharp and amazingly healthy, though increasingly frail. She struggles with diminishing vision due to macular degeneration, so that reading and correspondence, either by email or written letter, has become very difficult. Still, she forges ahead with connecting with friends (new and old) and relatives, because those social connections are what are most important to her. That, and her continuing ability to tell her stories and make people laugh. She is a blessing, not only to me, but to all who know her.
39
At 73 moving to France as an expatriate turned out to be a blessing in disguise since this much older culture still has a very positive attitude toward senior residents.
Health services and many special events are geared to the retired community in my Provencal village. Pets of all kinds play an important role in our lives including therapy dogs who haven't actually been designated with that label.
Several commenters mention being depressed by Trumpism and the negative attitude eminating from the White House. They also decry the popularity of Fox News and it's obsession with crime and everything that's wrong in America.
As I've stated before in this space, when it is within the realm of possibility moving to another culture can be a very positive life outcome.
When asked if I intend to move back to America the answer is always the same no. After 15 years there is nothing that draws me back to the United States and everything that makes me want to stay in Provence!
36
Please do something about the illustration that accompanies this article! My mother and her friends are 86 and older. None of them dress in a shapeless black dress with black stockings and their hair gray and in an old-fashioned bun. They all dress stylishly in both clothing and hair. The illustration is at odds with the point of the article and only validates the stereotype about aging, particularly in women.
55
Good point. Also, it's okay to show an older woman without a grandchild in tow.
30
The Black she wears is for contrast - makes the figure be the prominent visual focus - as for the bun, maybe old fashion but still elegant. As for the grandchild, it is referenced in the article plus the symbolism of life cycle is appropriate.
6
Seeing as how I'm pushing 70, I will be reading those two books. I need all the help I can get.
11
I'd argue that the goal in aging isn't finding "pleasure in the moment," but meaning in the moment. And, frankly, I have to thank Trump for providing that to me. I've never been such an involved, passionate American citizen, and that gives me meaning. Hopefully, When I leave, I hope it is a little better, especially for the Parkland teens and others.
29
Why the ageist (but otherwise charming) illustration? All in black: long black dress with black stockings black shoes and black cane. No old women I know dress like this—not a single one. More colorful than average, in fact. How old is the artist? Cliche visual is at odds with lively essay. Does anyone at—ha, the Gray Lady!—review illustrations for blatant stereotypes? The NYTimes should!
26
Good point about possible age of the illustrator, who can only telegraph age through what looks like a picture of my grandma circa 1965. Old people, even the oldest old--They're Just Like Us! Jamie Lee Curtis had spiky white hair a little ahead of the crowd, now we've all got it, and when she gets to Oldest Old, she's not trading it in for a bun!
9
When it comes to old age and dying, believing in a Hindu or Buddhism philosophy has an interesting advantage. You are more likely to accept death, as that is only the end of an inning and if your Karma dictates you will be back again to play your next inning. If your Karma in this life are so good that you realize "Nirvana" - break from the cycle of life and death! that is even better. So, as I turn 64 this fall, I plan to live rest of my life joyfully and blissfully, wondering how I had a chance be a part of this great cosmic play and be ready to play another inning if need be.
20
I prefer Ursula Le Guin, No Time to Spare, sharp, acerbic and humorous.
4
This is very nice. Seems wildly slanted toward people with money.
16
Old age is wonderful if you've won the genetic lottery, are sufficiently well-off and have sustained a strong social network. If not old age is about decay, disability and loneliness. Those who usually praise growing old usually fall into the first group as comments in this section clearly indicate. However, I suspect they are proportionally quite small compared second group.
28
I think you are right about the size of the two groups. However I would differ on whether it needs to be that way; my dad never met a stranger and had strong ties with many and left not a nickel when he passed. So did my mother keep her friends and made new ones as she move....she left a small collection of Dimes when she passed. So their lives were sufficient, just Social Security and Medicare really, but never "well off" in financial terms. Many long lived populations are "well off" but not in financial terms. A wonderful old age isn't limited to social class or education... although over time I prefer the latter, ....
6
Yes, indeed....having spent the past 5 years taking care of the elderly in all sorts of situations - hospice, nursing homes, assisted living, personal homes, and getting up there myself ( i'm 66), I can say that in general, getting old is much more about decay, disability and loneliness, as Kevin noted. It was rare to find anyone who had a good attitude consistently in the face of the increasing decay of old age. Every illness, every physically adverse event brought further despair and hopelessness. I had many more people crying in despair over still being alive, than i did people smiling with happiness that they were still alive.
13
First, I am a young-old person. I am also in far better health both physically and mentally than many people decades younger. I practice yoga regularly. It keeps me strong, flexible, and capable of good balance. Those three things are real assets to a healthy old age because they prevent or lessen falls - a danger of aging.
I work part-time teaching graduate students and I really enjoy them. Because I am confident in my knowledge and experienced in handling a classroom, I can give freely to students without ambition or self-doubt getting in the way. I am fully present with them and for them.
Why don't we oldsters worry about the future? Well, seeing the prospect at the end of tunnel keeps your focus on the present, which just happens to be where all of us live all the time. Also, you have made it through so many things in life that you have confidence you will handle whatever others are fretting about. You see the broader picture. The difficulty facing you is just one event, not the totality. As choices narrow, you discover the ability to dive deeper into what you have. Monet's water lilies are masterworks that made a gift of diminished sight.
You discover that wealth and "stuff" are meaningless past the point of having enough to be comfortable. Fame is fleeting. If those things made us happy, Trump wouldn't be miserable. He is. Experiences and relationship are what gives joy. Don't fear aging. It is a lousy beautician, but every other aspect becomes ever more beautiful.
35
As they say, it's all about perspective. When life gives you lemons, make lemonades. While still relatively young and healthy, I already know that when the day comes that I may need a cane or a walker, my cane will be the most fabulous 'walking stick' out there, and my walker will be festooned with decorations. No bland straight-from-the-factory geriatric walking aids for me!
Indeed, our society is youth-obsessed, and I'm certain much of it stems from a fear of death...and a fear of aging (which obviously brings us that much closer to death). Life is hard enough, and to then grow old enough that all your friends and family start to die.... for this reason it is imperative to have friends of all ages. Older folks have so much to teach us. And remember, we will all be old one day. We must respect the elderly, and not just shun them or prefer not to 'see them'. In fact, I make it a point to actually take the time to make eye contact with the older folks in my neighborhood..to give a little smile...to let them know that I SEE them. I also try to be aware ...to see if they may need help crossing the street, or carrying heavy groceries. I also take care not to speed past them if they are walking slowly in front of me, for I know that I could 'startle' them. We all need to get our heads out from our phones, and be more considerate of others, especially people who are older than us. We need to pay it forward; one day we will be walking in those same (orthopedic!) shoes
19
I’m 57. The thrill I get when my children express appreciation for anything I might have introduced to them makes my life worth living.
We are celebrating my birthday at ‘David Bowie Is...’ in the Brooklyn Museum. What a life it is, was and will be.
12
I find this article to be full of platitudes. I read John Leland's series on six elderly people and found nothing remarkable. I suspect that Leland's personal interaction with these individuals gave him understanding that he failed to transmit in the articles. There is no one-size-fits-all for aging. Each person finds meaning, or doesn't, through the means available to each one. It is essentially a solitary journey, the resources for which come from many choices one made throughout life.
27
I can't really comment on anything you said, except for the last line. Resources can be in the form of actual money/income...it could be friends, family....it could be in the form of various social groups... non-profit groups that may offer assistance.... community groups...churches.... local libraries, etc. I think one's 'resources' can be constantly evolving, and are not necessarily solely dictated by choices we may have made in our past.
8
I simply plan to be as cantankerous as possible. It makes me happy now so I don't see why I should stop.
35
As an older person, I find I very much enjoy the company of young people as opposed to persons of my own age. While there is something to be said in regard to both situations. I can complain about my aches and pains with my elder friends and receive a bit of sympathy in that regard, but just as with parents and children, spending time with someone who is 20-30 years younger lends new perspective and adds excitement in the mutual sharing of something new.
12
We need these kinds of stories-- thank you.
16
I'm 81---live on and singlehand a 50 ft sailboat around Spain and have a sex life that would make Trump envious. I have a martini while fixing dinner and then more than half the bottle of wine. I have a lavish lifestyle. opera, music, festivals gourmet dinners. Have difficulty spending over 2000 a month (no rent or taxes)
I tell my Spanish friends to check my pockets for money when they put me in the incinerator.
All the blabber about ageing misses the three big issue´....
1-vitamins and supplements--gingko for memory...my brain recently defeated Stockfish Chess Computer at level six.... While I was lazily siplng brandy after dinner.
(Mother Nature doesn't want you to live beyond 50 so they shut your body down... you have to take supplements to replace what she stake away)
2. ESS EE EX.... NYT editors are uncomfortable when I discuss the fact men like to have a "massage" even when old.... Advice! move to a latin country. No issues...no problems... pretty latinas will happily give you a nice "masage"
3... Talk about dying... Mother Nature makes dying easy... you may be in pain on your deathbed but it is painless to go black.... I had a preview... after a big meal and drinks on a hot day I passed out rushing to the bus... I painlessly went black for a couple minutes... then I figured out this must be what dying is like... easy.
Best advise: don't get old...it's not worth it.
25
Fing your comment" pretty latinas will give you a nice "massage" demeaning. You're equating latinas with prostitutes.
You may be old, but not wise if this is how you interact with your host country.
18
You missed the point. I like sex. Having legit sex at 80 is impossible in America. Paid sex is criminal. Putas (350,000 and counting) in Spain are legal and generally wonderful.
A Latina grows up with comfortable intimacy and is kissed a dozen times a day by family and friends... You pay her for sex (No guilt or issues---Hola, vaquero, glad to see you) and usually get a few kisses and hugs and laughs.
She: how old are you?
Me: Thirty-four´
She: Laughs
Me: I love you.
She: I love you too!
We both laugh.
You cannot believe what a horrible wasteland America is to an old man compared with Spain. I have glorious sex, lots of wine, good seafood, fiestas every week, free music, charming kids. The most beautiful teen age girls in the world will smile and offer me a seat on the bus and be delighted to practice English with me. Amen.
4
My best friend is my next door neighbor who is 20 yrs older than me. I'm 71. She inspires me with her "you could eat off her floor" scrubbing, her immaculate home keeps her in shape. Her welcoming"Come on over!" when I call to see her almost every day. Her love for my dog, when others cringe at his enthusiasm. I love her and dread living without her in my life.
40
By the way, I also live on a boat 6 months of the year and cruise with my partner down the east coast to the Bahamas. We sail the boat ourselves and I can handle the boat on my own and so can he.
10
As always, excellent.
1
My doctor told me he didn't want to hear from me about any elderly issues until I was 70.
So I got my cannabis referral doctor to diagnose my bursitis and joined a seniors club to learn tai chi. If you ask me, doc was just trying to keep me from learning how good older folks have it. He's easily 75. I get a years worth of lessons and lunch for $150 a year!
Teacher taught me YouTube is full of Alan Watt's lectures, and he says when we get older, we can all go into the forest and make monkeys of ourselves; our job here is done.
Same way we advise people to stay away from Tucson. It's really hot, ya'll!
7
Now that the baby boomers are older, we are all going to be subjected to endless articles about aging and the ways in which older people are not valued. And yet, when the baby boomers were young, they were at the forefront of creating a youth culture that saw anyone over 40 as irrelevant. The boomers have changed American culture in fundamental ways and one of those ways was to make youth more desirable and more authoritative in some ways than maturity. Now they get to live with the results of the culture they helped create, for good (and there is much good) and for ill. All I ask is that they stop taking off their clothes in movies -- if we can agree on that, I will happily allow them to try to impart some of their wisdom to me.
10
You must be the child of boomers. Gen X really wanted the Silent Generation for parents. They were the ones displayed on t.v. as the perfect family with the stay-at-home mom baking cookies. Boomers did not provide the kind of child-centered parenting their children wished for as we gave up aprons and opened the doors of opportunity to women. What the Gen X kids did not understand is the price those earlier moms paid for baking all those cookies in terms of long-term depression and wasted intelligence and potential. Gen X over-compensated by being helicopter parents and stifling their children's independence and resilience that comes from taking reasonable chances and learning consequences from them.
We boomers smile as the Millienials rise. They will inherit our passion to the grief of their more material and cautious parents.
"Do not go gentle into that good night..." No, have a great time getting there! Embrace the challenges and be who you are as fully as possible. Age is the best-kept secret of all.
5
SDK, I love your Comment. I would add that "they stop taking off their clothes" everywhere as though any public space with lawn is the beach.
Nora, I think there is a lot of wisdom in what you say. I grew up in suburbia to parents from the Greatest Generation. The number of housewives who were on pills or secret drinkers was very, very high. The number of unhappy women was even higher. Seeing our mothers like that made the girl baby boomers want to avoid it at all cost.
9
'Given the explosive pace of technology that often befuddles the elderly, they command little or no respect for the repository of wisdom that was once cherished by the young (and still is in some traditional societies).'
Hrumph. In my experience, there's no fool like an old fool. My wife and I are rediscovering this every day as we try to help our ageing parents, who appear to get their UK and global news from Nigel Farage and from Putin's St Petersburg Trolls.
Trump is also quite old. And becoming increasingly wiser every day, as we all know.
6
On the other hand, one of the frustrations of aging is watching, and living with, what the younger generation fails to do well because of inexperience. Reinventing the wheel is commonplace and, unfortunately, unavoidable.
5
We know that some other countries subsidize housing and care for the old. I am guessing that tax rates for individuals are higher in these countries than in the US. Would Americans be willing to pay higher taxes to subsidize housing and care for our old?
7
Actually, in the UK, many middle class people pay less in taxes than their counterparts in the US. And when you think that their medical care, day care for their children, their own care in old age, and, in Scotland, university tuition for their children is all completely free, a lot less! I for one would happily pay higher taxes for the piece of mind all this gives them.
51
Medicare is heavily subsidized by taxpayer dollars. Medicare premiums pay for only 13 percent of the cost of Medicare treatment. My town, and many others in Massachusetts, offers subsidized housing for low-income elderly residents. Most elderly do not need housing subsidies.
6
social security deductions from payroll taxes stop when someone hits $127,000 in income per year. How did that happen? The middle class is the only category of workers paying into the only program we've got to sustain life here during aging. Ratchet up that payroll tax to ALL earners and watch the program flourish. Money stress does nothing to make life better.
20
One thing that no one can do is select their antecedents. If your family has a history of living to ripe old ages or if you possess identifiable genes that appear in well aged groups, there is a chance to reach the magic centenary mark. As with everything else in life, even with these advantages, there are no guarantees. Being within 3 months of my 90th, having all the putative benefits of family, career, etc. etc. etc. described in this article and others, one should feel fortunate and I really do. But living as we all do among our fellows, experiencing the death of close friends, a child, spouse and associated family, as do those I associate with of like age, the simple wisdom of the past holds: live each day to fullest for there may not be a tomorrow. And, let's not forget that being a kid (pre-pubescent), adolescent, or any other decade of life can be a royal pain. So just apply the simple wisdom of the past and get on with life.
19
Seniors have the right to create a retirement plan that keeps longevity including the distant future in mind. With a specific reference to Laura Carstensen, founding director on Longevity I think it's important to have both short and long term goals. Sure go ahead and focus your energies on things that give you pleasure in the moment however; don't tell a senior that you should not make some plans for the distant future, because through hope and faith many seniors can be tenacious accomplishing goals what might seem to be impossible for many.
7
I read both the article and the comments with fascination. How people fare in old age has something to do with how much money they have. For those warehoused in NOT "the most expensive nursing homes" but places like those many commenters describe, being old is a lot harder than it is for those who are getting better care. And what of those who are childless and single and without other family? What's going to happen to them or I should say-- us? It's not as though most of us live in places where the community offers any help or support.
I am 67, and (so far) healthy -- and when I ask friends my age what their plans are for later, most haven't thought about it, or laugh and say something like: "I'm in denial." The two that HAVE thought about it:
1) X has a loving family, children, and grandchildren AND a very comfortable income--& plans to commit suicide when she can no longer take care of herself. She's betting it will be legal by then.
2) Y, with an even more comfortable income, has age-proofed one of her two houses, and lined up a young handyman who will work on them when she and her partner are no longer can.
But for most people in our generation, who have little or nothing saved and will be living on social security, Y's choice doesn't exist.
Other countries -- like Scotland (at least in small rural communities) do it better. Their care is completely paid for by the government, often in their own homes. Others in the community pop in to help. Not here!
24
And I DO agree with everyone who talks about gratitude and other sources of happiness in old age -- I just don't think it serves anyone to deny that ageism exists and that our culture makes being old a lot harder than it needs to be, especially for those without money or anyone to advocate for them!
22
We didn't "care and help" each other when we were young...why should Americans start "caring and helping" now in old age? It just isn't American.
5
WEll, in the UK the "care" I was talking about is paid for by the government. What the neighbors do voluntarily is extra....and many of the people helping the old voluntarily are young. Sadly, you are probably right that this just isn't American--at least in most communities!
2
I am not sure why, but at age 70, I have yet to feel discouraged about aging. Sure, I'm healthy but that has always been a priority and I work to stay that way. And, I don't depend on social security as my sole source of income. I realize not everyone is as fortunate as I have been in those regards. But, I have habits that don't cost a cent or require me to be in good health. I never utter the words "at my age . . ." And I don't restrict my friendships to people my age. And, I am willing to take on challenges that will take time and effort even though I might fail to complete them. Maybe I'm just lucky but I think not.
16
And I DO agree with everyone who talks about gratitude and other sources of happiness in old age -- I just don't think it serves anyone to deny that ageism exists and that our culture makes being old a lot harder than it needs to be, especially for those without money or anyone to advocate for them!
7
It seems, from a fast reading of the comments, that one base line attribute stands out: gratefulness: whereever one finds one's self as one ages, being grateful for all which has passed and all who contributed to who we are and where we are. Underlying all the other characteristics which enable us to cope, to enjoy and to find postive solutions to continue to live well is gratitude.
14
In a nutshell , I suggest being grateful for what one has; there will always be someone who has “ more” - money, cars, homes, ....And appreciate what we have, not crave what others possess. Maybe stay off social media from time to time ....personal connections like a phone call, sharing a cup of coffee or a whisky, seems to cement friendships .
Material objects don’t make me happy, writing small checks to various charities give me pleasure. Spending time with the less fortunate ate, however defined is richly rewarding.
And look to love, not criticize, tweet or hate.
Btw, not having to talk about the angry people in DC , is both a welcome break , and good fior our collective, aging souls.
Thank you
17
it's a lot more difficult to be grateful when you are living hand to mouth and/or dealing with depression. You could force yourself, in the midst of stress and fear, to be grateful for the beautiful sunrise or that your teeth haven't fallen out yet or that you can walk, but that's not as easy as the "secret"-obsessed, up-up-with-people cult would have you think. I have a friend who became a life coach and gratitude is one of the tenets of her work. But she can't tell you how to actually feel that way without forcing it, and her philosophy actually instills the opposite of the positive attitude she tries to shove down everyone's throat - guilt that one can't just summon all of this at will, which in fact breeds negativity. Honestly, if I have to read one more of her aphorisms or "uplifting" memes on Facebook, I think I'll barf. I'm so sick of this superficial and, by implication, judgemental advice.
19
I am 76 years and work with seniors using a program Successful Aging (Body&Brain Yoga). Most recently I have been promoting to my seniors a book titled, I've Decided to Live 120 Years by IlChi Lee (NY Times Bestseller Author). In this book I find solutions on how to change my thinking and my way of living. Using daily ONE MINUTE EXERCISES and a VISION, I now have new opportunities and a restoring of my dreams and values. My dream is to live my desire of service to the world. I highly recommend this book to all. Enjoy the solution to Successful Aging a program under Body&Brain Yoga.
3
I have read Ms. Brody's columns for years and I have enjoyed her perspective on life as she (and I) have aged. I've got her by a few years so maybe I can enjoy things a bit longer. I have been blessed with great health all my life. I am only dealing with arthritis, but, compared to so many people I encounter in my work, I will happily endure that than suffer their maladies. I do not know if others reading these comments will consider it valid but I have a perspective that has held me in good standing biologically to this point.
I started years ago viewing the acceptance of 'getting old' as my mortal enemy. So to speak, "you shouldn't do that at your age; you're too old for that; be careful doing that you may hurt yourself", and so it goes. I think I can compete with Ms Brody for the number of joints replaced, plus some spinal reconstruction, but I will not relent and give in to getting or being old. It is going to have to force me to do it.
My behavior may certainly not serve everybody as well, but to whatever degree you can, be it physical, emotional, or attitudinal, you should fight the biological pull of being old. Think, feel, act as young as you can and you will be better off for just that, more than if you were to give in to it.
As a reference, google CBS Sunday Morning March 11 and view the story about the Vietnamese woman who just died this week (after the March 11 taping). It is a great story of hope and determination. We should all try so hard.
5
Maybe instead of denying "getting old" we can simply think of openness, vitality, curiosity, and exercise as something all humans can engage in at whatever age. Yes, the body slows down as we age and it's best to acknowledge your personal limits lest you injure yourself trying to act younger at all costs. But that doesn't mean that you should not try to be as healthy as possible, as happy as possible and as open to change as possible.
7
I am one of those readers you cite who has benefited immensely by your writing on health and wellness. Thank you. I don't ever miss your Tuesday column and I look forward to it for years to come. In health!
9
Me too! Well said, MBC. I even found a Feldenkrais class as a result of that excellent article. Thank you Jane BrodY!
3
Like the author, I too love Rubenstein's approach to aging: Limit the repertoire, practice more, reduce tempo to highlight dynamics. So many metaphors there. Thanks for sharing that...
26
My father's mother lived in Manhattan on her own for over 50 years after my grandfather died. She took up yoga in her 70s, and did ceramics, went to museums and the symphony, and walked along the East River near her apartment on the Upper East Side. Even though she fell and broke her wrist and her hip at 96, she recovered well enough to continue her walks (albeit with a cane). She lived to be 106 (outliving my father, who died suddenly at 74, by 10 years), and although she was fragile the last few years, she never complained. Her daughter, my aunt, is in her late 80s. She lives alone and spends time on community affairs, tennis, biking, and taking brisk walks near her home in upstate NY. At my nephew's wedding, she danced every dance (hip-hop, rock n roll, everything). I am paying attention: at 63, I am keeping active, lifting weights and doing cardio, skiing, horseback riding, and getting outside as much as I can.
33
If you want a long reasonably healthy life for your self and those you love, be aware that ~more than one million people are dying due to the medical system (errors?) in the USA every year with no accountability by those in the medical system. This pandemic primarily affects the "elderly"! Ageism attitudes "they will die soon anyway" permeates our culture in the USA!! The majority of these deaths are not being counted including those deaths caused by or contributed to by clinics, outpatient, surgery centers, ambulatory care and doctors offices etc. Where is the public outrage, media coverage, Congress & other government (FDA, CDC. states, etc)? Here is a cause to advocate for if you need to be motivated. Be informed!
13
thank you for years of thoughtful, researched information
6
I'm not quite 71, but I already know the losses: friends, parents, some new limitations on mobility. Nonetheless, what brings meaning to my life is to try to bring meaning and joy to others' lives. Secondly, I try to focus on understanding more than teaching others and sharing what I know when I think it might help others, hopefully in an unobtrusive manner.
20
Expectations drive and shape outcomes. And so our aging population assumes debility and disease await them. Changing expectation is vital to one's future. Thomas Hanna's book Somatics is one of the most important for daily living and longevity.
I didn't expect it. I was perfectly prepared to live forever. It was a big shock. Mt body has its own ideas.
This thing, where people are exhorted to deny reality and blamed when it catches up with them is a bit unsympathetic, to say the least.
16
Absolutely. The ability to "walk about" "do things" in one's senior years is attributable largely to LUCK. Sure, eat your veggies and lift weights, but that means very little if you're not lucky.
19
But Jan, to a certain extent we make our own LUCK, right?
1
As a boy, i strove to be noticed. As a man, I strove to make a difference in the lives of others. As an older man now, I don't want to be forgotten. Thank you for this piece and all the work you publish on healthy aging. It's not about retaining youth. It's about acquiring grace.
28
I lived in South Korea for nearly a decade when I was young, so I’ve had the benefit of seeing two societies’ approach to aging, child rearing, work, ambition and simply quality of life. (I did not realize what a gift it was). I am now traveling in Europe, reconnecting with my French and German friends from Korea. Though still young, one lost his mother only last week and another has lost his agility and strength, and sense of identity as a result. What keeps them going is family, whether biological, adopted or constructed from decades of calling, visiting and creating reunions. The specter of poor health and lack of adequate care is the one universal I’ve observed across three continents.
Many commenters here aver that wisdom and happiness are luxuries only for those with a decent retirement and health insurance. I firmly disagree. That they are reading the NYT and able to write comments suggest they are better off than most. At the very least, they’ve found connection, community and intelligence here in this forum.
Even after a bruising fight with my surly teens or querulous parents, I count myself lucky. Every minute alive presents a choice of possibilities. I don’t always choose well, but I get to choose again...and again and again.
52
You wrote a lovely comment.
6
All my friends who were optimists are dead. I live on alone.
28
Thank you Jane Brody, as always, for your wisdom and positive attitude.
8
I am in my 93rd year. My sage advice about aging is “ JUST DON’t THINK ABOUT IT”
76
Pysical pain that cannot be treated trumps all of these good intentions.
35
Ageing should be abolished. It is barbaric that goes with physical and cognitive decline We should use gene editing, pharmaceuticals, organ replacements etc to make people live long AND healthy lives. Nothing graceful about ageing. People should live till 100-110 on average and 95 percent of it should be in robust health. Quit accepting defeatism by romanticizing ageing.
9
Sanjay - this isn't my experience. I'm 62. At age 58 I went back to school - taking journalism at Harvard part-time, while still writing for corporate clients. The year after, I took up weight lifting. As I age, I've gotten fitter - physically and cognitively and so has my husband at age 69, still working full time. Yes I have some aches and pains and loose teeth. But overall it's still a lot of fun. Plus I've developed one heck of a social conscience.
18
Sure hope you got the money to pay so that all of us can enjoy those expensive and experimental treatments.
6
When I was a child my elders told me I was an old soul. I did not understand what that meant, but my grandmother and all her elder friends became the best friends I ever had! I spoke very little back then, because I could not find words. I think in pictures and over time learned to make each word a picture too. I wrote Treasures of My Heart, for all my elder friends. Here it is for all of you:
Treasures of My Heart
I have an undeniable desire
To touch life in a healing way
I thrive on stirring warm emotion’s fire
To call light to the night of day
I long to cheer the lonely
And set the oldest eyes alight
To bring the sure elation
of a song
To sing one more creation
To the dawn
If through life I achieve
that I aspire
Then treasures of my heart
will come to light
Enough 'twould be for love
To know I was
- D. S. Jackson
author of The Secret of Santa's Songbird
13
Was at a painting group yesterday. The other ladies said "you are not old" as tho that was a requirement, to deny aging at the age of 73. It pushes on ridiculous. I think I have my glasses as good as they can be, the teeth sort of in order and the oncologist told me this week I could stop coming unless something new crops up. So I am lucky once again, but old. Something else is inevitable.
Do I have to be graceful or something too? Joyful, really? Isn't doing the best I can enough? .
63
Your comment really touches my heart. 72 in a few weeks myself and doing the best I can do every day. Why do people assume that it is easier to be 'joyful' or 'graceful' in our older years than it ever was? Wiser, yes, more self-confident, perhaps. Nancy, whoever you are, I appreciate your honesty!
7
It sounds like you are doing fine, Nancy. The only person you really have to please is yourself!
5
Thanks for bringing back memories of Dr. Gene Cohen, a lovely man and very caring and I fully get the "revered" part. He was a wonderful therapist (in 1972) and I was delighted years later to purchase his book, The Creative Age. I know he'd appreciate that at age 75 I am still painting, something he encouraged me way back then to pursue.
3
I've had a life that included medical research. Nonetheless I have anecdotal evidence of and give validity to the idea that proportionally kinder people live longer more fufilling lives. Yes it IS more blessed to give than receive.
My mother and father-in-law were happier and longer lived than their grumpier spouses. They were less self destructive in many ways.
Trying to follow their lead, in my early 70s I: 1) stretch, tai chi, do resistance training and aerobics about 6 days a week primarily to relax; 2) Read fiction and non fiction voluminously; 3) write and publish memoirs; 4) host a writing group at our home; 5) blog and 6) travel with my spouse to American venues we haven't visited and to see our grandchildren.
Trying to grow in my walk with Christ I: 1) co-lead an adult Sunday school class; 2) attend fellowship groups for couples and for men with prayer and study; 3) study the ancient wisdom available to me in Scriptures 4) try to personally help some of the less fortunate crossing my path and 4) write about my faith.
Although I take numerous meds daily I am in good health.
I appreciate that my value to God is not based on my performance, diminishing an inclination to not listen or interrupt I thank God for my emotional, spiritual and financial condition. I consider my wife and I extremely fortunate. May God bless whoever reads this with a meaningful old age filled with love to overflowing and the grit to get through the losses that accumulate in old age.
22
It's true, not everyone ages at the same pace. Some of us age earlier than others. At this time I am 88 years old and have been given a cane. I thought it was the end of the world for me. Not so, I don't stay at home and "stew" about it. Out every day even if I don't feel up to it. Wheel chair? Go out anyway.
Don't sit at home. If possible get out. Please!!
33
Count me as one reader who has been learning from you for many years. I’m very grateful that you are still writing and providing helpful information about my health. Thank you!
4
I'm 82 and on retirement at age 65 I decided to set 4 goals to meet every day: 1. Work on my body (go to gym, stay active, move). 2. Work on my spiritual life (read the bible, listen to commentary, attend seminars, etc.). 3. Read something meaningful. 4. Write something meaningful. I've met these goals, not every single day, of course, but they are always a part of me. Recently, I've added #5: Think about, or do something with, a child or a grandchild. None of this needs to cost anything. Try it, you'll love it, and feel as if you're still 65, or even younger.
16
So what so you do with an elderly parent who has refused to exercise,refuses to follow a proper diet (diabetic controlled with meds), but complains of lethargy and can hardly walk on her own. How do you deal with the stubborn elderly who live in denial?
I have read your column for years. About your walking and swimming. My dear Jane Brody, Not everyone ages the way you do.
23
I made myself think positive and I made myself think I was happy for many of my elderly years. I now regret doing so! People around me saw me as positive and helpful.. BUT so much of my positivity was a forced sort of self brainwashing!! I wish I had faced head on reality.. seeing both the negative and the positive! So although I think articles, books, & info such as this are inspirational, for me it is so much better to have some natural happiness in life rather than "making oneself happy" which could give rise to being happy by "denial". For me it is better to have some true happiness and some true sadness!
31
"Too many in our youth-focused culture currently regard the elderly with fear or disdain and consider them costly consumers of resources with little to offer in return".
Your identity politics are showing.
4
Yet it’s true.
3
My wills and trusts are written and advanced directives filed. But nothing prepares you for the loss of life long friends and those Important friendships. Old age takes its toll on the bodies of all and nothing can prepare you for visiting Ill and dying friends and family. Attending memorial services becomes more common than attending museums.
18
You are right!! There are a many downsides to aging...reality!
4
Not everyone has the disposition for a “happy life” or can retain a sense of humor in the face of crushing physical pain that my 76 year old father is currently experiencing. Older folks with behavioral issues also see these markedly exacerbate levels of depression and anxiety. It’s easy to understand resentment for lost mobility, hearing and eyesight. None of us is schooled in how to prevent, mitigate or cope with issues of our inevitable aging.
Also Ms Brody seems to be forgetting that upcoming generations have no savings and crippling debt and their parents (thanks Boomers) are living a very very long time which means any inheritance is exhausted. How are these people, who face total poverty, going to survive with no savings, healthcare and social security?
This puff piece kind of flies in the face of what’s really happening in our country. Maybe she could try to tackle something meatier than “thinking positive”?
31
I'm sorry to hear of your father's suffering. May he and you find ease. And yes, we are all schooled in the inevitable losses of old age. By acknowledging the losses we experience throughout our lives. For myself in these difficult times I take refuge in reading about people who have faced incredible odds--and survived or died without bitterness. Viktor Frankl for example? Nelson Mandela? Etty Hillesum? I have no answers for how the future will unfold for myself or anyone else. I do know bitterness will age me and kill me faster than most anything.
24
I think it is a piece relevant to the well-heeled or at least the financially not too badly off. But it is not a fluff piece (to me anyways). Poverty and ill health, no matter at what age, is tough and depressing. But it is still a good and inspiring article. My in laws have in their retirement discovered the joys of hiking. Limited because of some ill health, but as the article points out, personal growth is important to psychological health. I noted that older adults who are meaningfully connected to others tend to be happier.
13
Rachel k - True. We *haven't* been "schooled in how to prevent, mitigate or cope with issues of our inevitable aging." But current books and articles such as this can be seen as attempts to change that. As someone on the cusp of 70, I truly appreciate the "fluff" and reinforcement that Ms Brody offers. I, for one, think "think positive" is very wise advice indeed. It may not cure what ails us, but it helps us endure it all with a little less pain and bitterness.
15
A perfect and often hilarious proof of all this is The Five Wise Guys, a TV series based at The Third Act Project website. You can also find it on Youtube.
We live in an extraordinary time. Increasing numbers of us are living longer than ever imagined before. It is a major achievement of modern science and healthcare. The tough part of longevity is working out how to ensure those extra years are spent happy and financially secure and living independently engaged in activities we value.
Anyone with grandparents or older parents has seen that survival until a later age exposes people to vulnerabilities that can make the ingredients for a happy life a challenge to achieve. As a society, we cannot slack off in acknowledging and responding to these challenges.
Read more: https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/the-secret-...
5
Here are some things I hate about the label 'elderly'
As an RN of 38 years (yes, that makes me old), I see a lot of younger health care workers treating just about everyone over the age of about 70, regardless of fitness, as elderly. They never stop to ask this person, who they see as just old, anything about themselves. Many of these "elderly" patients have experience as an accomplished professor, professional artist or singer. Some of these "elderly" patients are still working of course, have large families that they preside over, work as MDs, still do surgery, run companies. But they are treated differently because of that birthdate on the patient profile. 78 year old with COPD. 68 year old with CAD. Then that patient is many times talked to slower, louder and in some cases, called sweetie or honey. So demeaning.
We do all age. The young, of course, cannot see it. I didn't when I was young.
I remember watching the Golden Girls. Blanche was only like 55 in real life! Not golden at all. But who knew.
I think it is important for us as we age to start being more assertive about who we really are and stop letting a birthdate define us.
I recently met Norman Lear at the Sundance Film Festival. I helped him out with something and was so thrilled to meet this legend of a man. He is in his nineties. The younger volunteers were saying, "who is that old guy". They had not a clue until I explained it all to them. But the "that old guy" comment bothered me. It was just rude.
100
I'd be excited about old age if I thought I was going to make it financially. Opera tickets. Not do much.
10
Excellent and very useful article. Thank you!
3
Getting on in years, I have been rejuvenated in some ways. I am even intrigued by the event of dying. I do hope when this occurs, I will be aware of it. Many wish to die in their sleep or quickly in an accident, but I look forward to contemplating death (which is in effect a contemplation of one's life) and experience the moments of passing beyond. I should like to experience myself soaring out into the cosmos (not heaven!)!
44
When I want to dispel stereotypes I always ask people to picture a British guy in his early 70's. When they don't see Mick Jagger in their minds I remind them that, at least for Mick-- to paraphrase Gloria Steinem--that's what 74 looks like. Cheers!
16
This piece brought me back to about 1990 when I was a 20-something ice skating instructor in Park Slope on Sunday mornings and you were always there, gracefully circling the ice, perfecting crossovers...I think. I was in psychology graduate school, and at the time I don't think I really knew how 'famous' you were! So many years ago...but, for me, aging has been much, much better than being young!
19
I think that subtleties such as the use of the word "elderly" contribute to society's negative view of this demographic. The definition of elderly is "aged, old, advanced in years, aging, long in the tooth, past one's prime". I resent the implication that just because I am a certain age I am past my prime. I would like to see the word "elderly" disappear from descriptions of people of a certain age.
13
can't dtsplease everyone. I'm fine with elderly. My first choice would be old(er). I do dislike 'senior'. If I recall aright, > senior you graduate or Graduate. Thanx for the reminder, conventional usage.
4
Well, I don't know about that. Being referred to as "elderly" is surely better (and kinder) than being referred to as "old" or "decrepit," don't you think? In any case, what terminology do you propose be used to refer to the elderly? "Eternally young"?
5
Agreed. I prefer "Seniors." "Senior" often conveys experience, competence, wisdom ... someone with value. For example, Senior Correspondent, Senior Partner, Senior Analyst. I enjoy my various Senior discounts. I don't think that I would as eagerly ask for my Elderly discount. :)
6
While I love this series of articles there is a strong dissonance between the illustrations of out-of-it dumpy grey frumpy elders and the reality I see before me. Please instead show images of us elders as the vibrant members of society we are rather than the old-fashioned little old ladies and geezers who illustrate these articles.
17
As a 74 year old I have found vibrancy of Spirit as I enjoy the awareness of my life, panaramic story...how things have fit together and how each stage has led into the next. Getting ready for the next one is quietly thrilling as I wonder what it will bring...www.vibrantoldwoman.com
8
Nothing has a shorter shelf life than youth. I tell that to young people who are squandering those precious years, but it generally falls on deaf ears. A 21 year old becomes a 30 year old in just the blink of an eye and reality arrives, without an invitation.
14
I remember attending a friend's fiftieth birthday party. Her twenty year old son was there but told me he could not imagine, envisage growing old. Of course, but I replied that as we grow older we become that person and our age becomes an integral and appropriate part of who we are (though, of course, we don't necessarily have to blab our age to everyone we meet. There is strong ageism in Western society). This fellow will be thirty-two in July and he and his girlfriend now own a house. And so it goes!
3
L’escargot! Seeing that collage again made my day. Please caption the image.
The advice of this article can be summed up with the instructon, be happy, don't be sad. This is possibly the most banal and pointless advice ever.
17
Yes, you can not simply make yourself happy. However, your intellectual and social horizons may be broadened as they are more malleable than deep-rooted unhappiness. Still, a psychiatrist might help here.
5
Or not....
3
There is little we can control in life. One thing we can control is our attitude. I choose to be grateful for my life and to accept there are things in it that are painful, disappointing and difficult to endure. That does not stop my gratitude.
4
"Au contraire"
I'm 75 years old. I ran my first marathon last October. I have many friends however I avoid the "elderly". They're looking back not forward.
My "secret"to living well and happy is to cultivate friends and family.Make new friends and...don't retire. Do community work in your interest rhelm.
Be well.
18
I passed the “Big 80” last year. Two things for me are always lurking in the back of my mind:\
1. The 90 year old woman that used to appear on the Johnny Carson Show back in the day, who said: “Old age is not for sissies!”
2. The magazine advert for the TV Series “Six Feet Under” which showed five of the main characters from the show leaping in the air, the caption underneath reading. “Every Day Above Ground Is A Good Day!”
The point being of course that we have to laugh at ourselves. For us as much or more than for anybody else, laughter is the best medicine, and 90% of the time if not more it’s a better alternative to the bizarre stuff we see advertised by Big Pharma on television.
27
Wow I always thought it was Bette Davis who said “old age is for sissies”. All these years & I learned something new, but I bet I forget & will continue to believe it was Bette Davis. And that’s Ok.
2
Let me add my voice to the many people who have thanked you for your columns, Ms Brody. I look forward to them and have learned from them and am often comforted by then. I most remember your columns dealing with grief, after you lost your husband. You have a great, conversational way of writing, and I appreciate your voice. Thank you.
22
I second that! This piece was so true and thoughtful. You had me smiling and crying at the same time.
5
I am in my seventies. Creating and nurturing - rather than “finding” - the values and priorities of a good life has been a lifelong task for me - an essential yearning, a fundamental concern and an often painful struggle of competing choices and responsibilities.
It’s not something to be reserved for old age: an old age when other time-consuming endeavors, entanglements and distractions have faded away; an old age when we stare into the unavoidable abyss of our own non-existence;
Old age is all about a graceful exit in my book, not a time for a newfound or frantic “search” for meaning and happiness - and all the other feel-good words we might grasp to comfort us - most especially if we have neglected these concerns in our younger years.
Better later than never I suppose, but so much better to have undertaken this as a lifelong journey of discovery rather than an afterthought, a pitiful bookend on one’s ebbing life.
Don’t simply float along the river of existence, as if you had all the time in the world. You don’t. Seriously, joyously, thoughtfully consider what you choose to do (and not do) with your fleeting, fragile & precious life, as you continuously & consciously re-create yourself. Choices matter. Your life matters. The very human awareness of an examined life is not only a consideration of old age, and not only of philosophers. It’s the foundation and framework of a life well-lived.
23
Absolutely I agree with those who posted that the illustration is so outmoded. While I respect that this may be an analog depiction of the illustrator's own beloved grandma, the fact is that the majority of seniors I know, including myself, do not look anything like this picture. Our lives are filled with the kind of fulfilling work, study, exercise and cultural pursuits that Ms. Brody cites from these two excellent books. Our so-called limitations are more about choosing to devote more time to what makes us look good, feel good and do good, rather than what we HAVE to do, which often leaves little time and energy for family, friends and community. There are so many positive-aging role models in the public eye - from congresswomen to respected actors to authors and TV commentators - who are over 60, fit, chic, and engaged in intellectual pursuits. Please look to those for inspiration about illustrations, and make sure you consult a 60 senior in your network to screen out any latent ageism that makes you run this photo as if is representative of an active senior.
7
When I turned 70 last year, my granddaughter, almost 5 years old, died, and I left my full-time work as regional director of engagement and education for an innovative group of assisted living communities. My physical and emotional life fell apart. It took me a year to rebound, though I became active in several organizations and had consulting work. I learned from my granddaughter, who had multiple disabilities, how to appreciate every day. I shall never go back to the way I was. I must set a good example for future generations, including my adult children, otherwise my life is not meaningful.
56
My deepest sympathy
14
I think I understand and I certainly sympathize. I am 83. Last October, we lost my niece, my sister's only child, after nine horrendous months of painful deterioration from bone cancer. Those of us who took care of her are having a hard time rebounding physically and emotionally. Everything that could be done for her was done, so there is no guilt, thank goodness. Just very very painful sorrow and emptiness. But yes, one must treasure the life and the people one has left and never lose sight of that.
5
I’m a very busy 72 year old who goes to museums (and other places) with her grandchildren. I don’t look anything like the old lady in the illustration. Let’s update that image to reflect today’s active and engaged older members of our society.
25
For those commenters who disapprove of the illustration, there's nothing in the image that suggests the woman is inactive. Seniors needn't wear yoga pants, have facelifts or color their hair to fit in. Aging naturally shows an acceptance of oneself and doesn't indicate lack of activity.
I know many seniors who are fit and engaged but choose not to bow to societal pressures to appear younger. They prefer to use their resources on activities that are more important to them and/or don't have the income to spend on such luxuries.
6
This is an excellent article. I saw ageism even in medical care when my mother was 96 years old. Our youth-obsessed culture comes up short in so many ways. Those who've lived through history bring a perspective to life that only be gained over time. We lack a collective memory of history. As George Santayana (1863-1952) said, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” Our parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents are our living links to the past and the future.
9
As a nurse who has always worked with elders and their families in their homes, in residential settings, and now in hospice - I learn so much more from patients and families about life, what you look back on when you are in advanced years and your body and energies are different. Unhappy relationships with an adult child, and opportunities not taken ( a travel destination, an unanswered puzzle, an interest that has gone unexplored for years, a career change, a move to a different state/region/country, and regrets about harsh words or deeds that can no longer be remedied) are all burdens in later life. Appearances and possessions lose importance. Making meaning of life, and sharing your wisdom/skills with younger generations are key challenges and sources of serenity and self worth.
10
Thank you, Jane, for yet another wonderful and insightful article on what matters most in life, besides love: health and your perspective on it. I've learned from and appreciated your article for years. Consider me one of those very grateful readers.
8
Thank you, Jane! I’m MAPP friend of 70 Candles, Dr Ellen Cole. My recent PhD dissertation research highlighted active older (ages 70s-80s+) “Women & FitDance,” a positive community Dance/Exercise program designed to reduce alcoholism, drug abuse, loneliness, and encourage connections, resources, & social fitness in older adults. FitDancers demonstrated self-determination (autonomy, mastery and connectedness) in the study; FitDancer’s children also benefited by their mother’s experience in the program! (Participants were FitDancing in group, 2x/week or more for >5 years; some members were active in the 1-hour rhythmic Aerobics /Strengths /balance/coordination/
flexibility training session for 15-20+ years)!
I applied this Community Alliance program design in 1991, and have observed motivated FitDance participants thriving despite difficult losses; many exhibit post-traumatic growth in part due to the group support and positive exercise.
This is in sharp contract to my Mother, who has suffered with memory loss and cognitive disturbances for 3 + years. She resides in memory care close to where I live and work. I see my Mom (and people who reside in memory care) often. It’s sad to see the losses, and limited engagement, connection of residents, despite the pleasant, caring atmosphere.
People age differently. We need to respect, support, and uplift people, their families, and individual differences. It is my mission to help boost thriving and advance positive aging.
5
Ms. Brody, I have been reading your health articles for a very long time. You are an excellent example of a person who works well after traditional retirement age. Think of the countless people you have helped and continue to help. That is quite a contribution. Thank you.
13
Boomers are different not the same and they have different thoughts about living different retirement lifestyles. In Canada we have Public Healthcare and as a result it makes it easier to look for different different economic and social opportunities as we get older. I know that there are many discussions in the USA about the high cost of Medicare and Social Security and as a result it makes it more difficult to develop a healthy perspective on old age.
I'm the Founder in Canada of the Seniorpreneur Project. I'm focusing on the 50+ demographic and the benefits of lifelong learning and senior entrepreneurship. Over the years I found out in my research that the Government at all levels and society in general are basically focused on the under 40 demographic. Is it still possible to find meaning and happiness in old age? Yes it is! To make things even better we need to push the Federal Government to help those seniors that want to be more active,creative, productive and a contributor to our society? Instead seniors today are being sent out to the 'pasture land' before their time or they are under-estimated for their own skills, knowledge, and resources. This forces more seniors to work alone and it also creates more isolation and unhealthy ageing conditions. I think a possible solution is to use the 'ageism card' and insist that older people have more equal opportunities to collaborate with younger people and as a result we could achieve mutual happiness.
9
To Joe and his "senior-preneur" project, please post more details about this project so like-minded renegades in the U.S. can do the same!
3
Joe:
Canada is a healthier society in many ways -- but suffers from some of the U.S. "modern" health care system's general judgments about the old. Ageism is everywhere in the world. I live for 7 years in Ecuador, a small developing country and here we see the 'tercera edads' segmented into their slice of life, less so but it happens.. Older folks here are more venerated and treated as the repository of wisdom in the family. Family is critical to the way people age , IMO professionally and in my own life,.. thanbvs
1
I and my wife are in our 70s. She's vivacious and growing stronger in a lot of ways. In contrast I have alzheimer's and have slowed appreciably in recent years. We have a good life and often cite our go to response to the adverse: "It is what it is."
13
One way to stay healthy is to walk but not just any old walk but walking in a park. The Road Runners sponsor many walks in many parks in New York for
seniors called "The Striders". In my group which walks every Tuesday and Thursday at 10:00 am at the 91st and Fifth park entrance the ages run from mid-sixties to at least 86.
We walk for an hour and talk for an hour and afterwards some of us have coffee in the Smithsonian Design Museum.
20
Gee! Even though I live in Montreal, I just might join you one of these days! 91st and Fifth park entrance, eh?
4
Ageing may be inevitable, but being "elderly" most definitely isn't. Let's start by ditching the phrase "the elderly" (along with its sibling phrases like "the poor", "the homeless") as though people belong to monolithic groups with a single, defining characteristic, in this case, age. I am a woman who lives in the tropical rainforest of Far North Queensland where I do bat research, design websites, and play the occasional MMORPG. My chronological age is 65 , but I do not define myself as a member of "the elderly". I dare you to disagree with me. Double dog dare.
17
Changing the language does not change life. It only makes you feel better. Dealing with reality on the ground rather than engaging our energies in linguistic revolts is what this article is about. If there's no old age, there's no youth, except for the Olympic gods of Ancient Greece, who remained eternally young.
5
My father once said to me that 'old age isn't for sissies'!
Everytime I meet someone of advanced years I marvel that they have endured and enjoyed all of life's challenges and sweetness.
It sure beats the alternative!
9
Unless you die young, age is inevitable. I am among the people regarded with fear and disdain by our youth-focused culture. For my experience and wisdom I get no respect tinged with a sneer of dismissal. I just chuckle because even though they think they'll never get old, today's youth will age. And what will that look like … a society of hunched-backed app tapping elders looking for meaning in their phones? When they are old, todays 20, 30 and 40somethings probably won't notice the distain of the younger generation for their arrogant, can’t be bothered to vote/get involved ways because they will be too busy posting selfies and pillaging what’s left of nature for their technology needs to notice.
4
Yes, but a million or so youth are expected to March in Washington DC this month. This gives one hope for this generation - all humanity, in fact.
14
Wise words. Yet they don't address the coming assault on Medicare and Social Security by Trump.
If you think that aging is tough now.........
28
IN the 1970's we fought back against AGEISM.. I was in grad school and a young single parent, very active ---where were you then?
Remember Maggie Kuhn and the Gray Panthers,? We are all here still , just silent. Why not organize our ranks -- there are zillions of us!
4
Huh? "Assaulting"?? I read in the news that the Ryan Republicans are calling this "Entitlement Reform" - they are helping us!
Excellent point David. People need to wake up - especially the Trump base - working against their own interests and don't even know it.
The most terrible thing in America are labels Age Discrimination is not only relative to jobs. Indeed indeed death and old age are feared but as someone answers each person is different in its circumstances and abilities
We are raising generarions of people who only read negatives of older people.
There is no group so depicted as ugly dependent costly feeble minded and worthy of dying as possible as the elderly in Amerca. As a decease a plague
When one reads of the fifty somethings believing their parents don't know what to do as if imbeciles.
the very worst prejudice is against the elderly. Not black not brown not milenials no one but the elderly
A New Yorker now retired in Miami I cringe as I see the prevailing Adults Care Facilities as if all were mentally incapable
Leo Buscaglia years ago raised the alarm that older people began to be labeled as a different category.
The newspaoers are the worse
13
Maybe I'm being snarky, but why do they depict a grandmother with white hair in a bun carrying a cane, Let's try to update the illustrations a bit.
40
I agree 100%. I’m an 85 year old grandmother who volunteers at the Metropolitan Museum. I don’t need a cane and have a fashionable hair cut. My grandsons say “That’s not our grandmother!” Time to get with the new image.
13
Not a good illustration. Is the woman a grandmother looking at art with her grandson, or is the white-haired woman viewing art with her much younger, much shorter husband, or are they total strangers??!!?
3
At least she has great posture.
Jane Brody continues to hold the 'eternal flame' of cogent, thoughtful insights on a broad spectrum of issues. There is always something I take away from her columns.
4
Wonderful article! There is a four part podcast with Marc Agronin at https://bottomlineinc.com/category/health/aging for more ways to change that "old" mindset.
2
Happiness is a choice for some of us, true. But it's not a choice for many people, and it seems a bit callous to blame them for something they truly are incapable of controlling. Mental illness and depression can rob anyone of that choice no matter how strong and resilient they may be in full health.
20
I'm 75 years old and have had stage 4 ovarian cancer for the last 4-1/2 years. Having said this, I can tell you that I have enjoyed these years more than I, or my family thought possible.
The reason, in great part, is because I have been member of the Himan Brown Senior Program at the 92Y in Manhattan for the last eight years.
This is not just an organization where we only play cards or mah Jong. This is a place with college level lectures, excellent exercise programs.
Yes, we sit over lunch and gossip or more importantly we argue politics. But... we look out for each other; call when we haven't shown up for a day or so and accompany each other to appointments.
Himan Brown Senior Program is a family - not blood - but sometimes better.
This is what keeps us going.
Sincerely,
Marcia Budd
Chair
Himan Brown Advisory Committee
92Y
23
I say keep working as long as you are able. You will stay engaged and have more money to spend on meaningful activities. Hopefully, you have already learned the fine art of juggling.
6
The key here might be "keep working at a job you like or love as long as you are able." I know quite a few retired folk who do not for one second regret leaving the job they hated but had to have just to keep the bills paid.
16
Go Bernie 2020!
7
Absolutely!
1
I really, really, object to the illustration that you've chosen for this article. The lady-of-a-certain-age does NOT have white hair and she certainly does not need a cane! No is she engaged in a passive activity of hobbling around an art gallery with a grandchild. How many "old people" do you know? The ones that I know are often still working professionals, engaged world travelers, digging in the garden, riding bicycles, or walking...etc. Lose the canes in the illustrations, junior!
15
I agree the illustration plays into stereotypes but so does your reaction. Many people of various ages use canes as necessary walking aids. I'm one and I'm happy for the security it provides that allow me to do the things I want rather than just staying home. And yes, sometimes I hobble I bit but I get where I'm going. Same sort of issue with grey and white hair. It happens at various ages and can look terrific. So while checking others' cliches, please check your own as well.
9
Wholeheartedly agree! I happen to be a fan of a certain glamour as an older woman. And you better believe it that I get looks and compliments younger women would kill for. It's not the most important aspect but it is one of them. So, the famously feared "invisibility" is bunk! Yes, lose the cane! Introduce vivacious, interesting, sharp and wise women (and some men :-) ) instead!
2
The illustration would just be confusing if the adult figure had jet black hair and no cane. If the aim is to show a woman who is about 70, she would have grey or white hair (as my age mate friends do) but not be using a cane (though a few do). If the aim is to show someone 85 and above (as mentioned in the article) getting out and doing things, the cane makes sense. The majority of people in my father's senior living apartments (mostly 80 to 95 ) use canes or walkers.
1
My wife and I are in our mid-70s and in recent years have the found meaning and happiness Ms. Brady prescribes by attending numerous lectures on a wide range of topics offered by the CUNY Graduate School, NY Public Library, 92nd St. Y and others. A special pleasure is that most of the attendees are in their 60s, 70s and 80s, and that most of them look healthy, vibrant and smart. I went to CCNY in the early 60s and always have a fond sense that some of my old classmates are sitting nearby. The lectures happily remind us that our brains are still functioning at a high level, still hungry for knowledge, still driven to participate in the cultural life of the crown jewel of our planet, The Big Apple. Heck, when we go we even get a thrill out of jostling along the city’s overcrowded street and inside its subways and busses.
14
I admit to envy of friends who have the resources (both funds and probably long held housing) to age in NYC where there are so many resources. Upstate, where I've had to retire, it takes a lot of effort to find a range of activities, and many are geared for working people (art classes in the evening, needing to drive to most things etc) or children. I worked in and enjoyed NYC for many years and I do miss it but just can't afford it. (sound of me heaving a heavy sigh as I look to see if the exhibits at our two museums have switched over yet).
1
Jane,
I respectfully suggest that your humble expression of reflective gratitude for the multitude of connections with thankful readers is the most genuine lesson in how to find meaning and happiness. Keep it up. Signed, a lifelong admirer.
9
On the positive side of growing old-er, at 78, I still work part time in my profession. I attend and teach classes that draw on the unique talents of elders called The Osher Life Long Learning Institute at my local University. I belong to a weekly play-reading theater group. I sing in private lessons and in (free and welcoming) choral work. Ladies lunches, Writers group, my blog, family gatherings and good food. Balance, strength and anti-gravity routines with my computer videos. I keep indoor plants to give a riot of color during these New England winters. I speak up and laugh more than ever. My husband and I love and tolerate each other more each day and are surprised with the results. I have taught my grandkids to see it's cool giving help and aid to others as their Christmas/Holiday presents.
However. If I could be Leader of the Free World for a week I would declare equal distribution of income for all. I would declare no more manipulation through advertising as a guide for who we should be and what we should own. I would declare that all insurance companies go out of business because they never pay out what you pay in. Also, all end all medical ads on TV and in magazines. The hard sell is creating a culture of belief that creates fear and more sickness. I would make a new definition of "rich" and "happy" and "connected." Yes, I would.
161
Keep the insurance companies, except for health care, which the government can cover best. Car drivers and home owners must buy insurance for the privilege.
2
Social interactions are key to pleasure in old age.This plays out for me each day since I live in a retirement community where the average age is 82.Everyone here has some discomfort or disability but are cheerful and supportive and always ready with a witty comment.There are more smiles and laughter than in any community I have experienced.All of us have the bulk of our lives behind us but enjoy the comfort and companionship of a still lively and engaged group of seniors.
22
Thank you, Jane Brody, for all your years of terrific writing, helping us to truly see all the wonders of science as they unfold before us. This latest entry is especially lovely and a much needed note of positivity at this time of transition.
28
I refuse to accept the words "old" "aging" etc. It's just "chronological maturity" accept the number and as long as your health is good YOU DON'T HAVE TO GROW UP! The only thing that annoys me is that the baby boomers have created a somewhat unfair situation when it comes to skiing. It used to be that you might be able to ski free when you reached 70 but those numbers keep going up(volume) and at 75 it's harder to find a decent "senior" discount. Small complaint. LOL
12
That skiing thing bothered me too: they kept moving that free skiing offer up in age . . .
2
I'm old and if Trump were gone, my remaining years would be a lot better.
599
Indeed.
15
My Doctor agreed.
9
I agree, JB, and I take comfort in the activism of the generation that will soon be voting.
13
And then there is Euripides' " The Bachae ", arguably his greatest play, written in extreme old age. And who can forget Goya's old-age self portrait entitled " Still Learning !"
15
Most writings on finding meaning and happiness in old age presumes that a person has family, friends or a caring community to relate to. Too many unmarried people in the AARP age range don't have those things, but circumstances that they may not have much control over. Plus as people get older, many don't want to establish new friendships, especially with people who are not like them because they don't want to be out of their comfort range or they don't want to expend the energy that having human-to-human relationships with non-family or "friends with history" ("I worked hard so I didn't have to put up with that" or "I'm too old for that). And this culture is not only very family oriented but highly age stratified outside of family ties so that generational friendships without a historical past are rarer. Even volunteering doesn't build many friendships between people of different ethnic groups, religions (Christians vs others), sociological or economic levels.
At one time, families were larger and except for people who chose to leave their biological family group or community (or were driven out of it), that network sustained them. Not that true anymore. It's a rude awakening for the "rugged individualistic" American when they are old enough to be on Medicare and they are alone.
49
thanks for putting another reality into the cconversation...
2
Your photo/ID says it all: You want more of a life? New acquaintances? Company? Pleasure? Get a dog. And get out in the world. Along with the benefit of exercise, all those other things just mentioned can come.(And whatever you do, on meeting anyone new, do not whine!)
6
this is the most inspiring thing I have read in a while. I am 67, about to retire (at least for a while) but looking forward to the next 30 years. the perspectives shared here are a great guide and touchstone to do so.
9
I’m in my 40s now, and I’m not kidding myself anymore. I’m stepping into old age, or getting shoved, and finding time, which I previously held in unlimited supply, to be fleeting. I often remember old people I used to know when I was a kid. There were those who handled aging with indifference, and whom I even envied for their enthusiasm to keep adventuring, and had time to do it. I worry that I’m not going to be like that. I sulk and grouch about dumb annoyances. And then I stew. I sneer at the younger, self absorbed generation, and resent their complacency. I can see myself aging into an old geezer that no one wants to be around. I worry that from here on, I just get worse at everything. The story about the piano player who changed his habits to accommodate his age encourages me. I would like to hear him play, and bring his age to his music, and that might be more intriguing than hearing a young, super talented pianist at the height of his powers. Perhaps the trick to staying relevant and happy is to start looking for ways to do that in everything.
13
Key to me is the principle of not worrying about potential problems, “potential” being the operative word. There are certain to be real problems ahead; why waste energy planning for bad things before they happen?
18
My 80-something father-in-law profoundly enjoys having more sex in his elder years and is grateful to some of the pharma companies and particularly the impending patent expiry dates that will drive down prices for generics. Generics for more geriatric sex!
3
I'm glad to hear that many look to find meaning and happiness in old age. My own experience with my mother (97) and my friends' parents is not so pleasant. They are among the many elderly that have become addicted to what my husband calls geriatric cocaine ... Fox News. Watching these oldsters spend their remaining years captured by anger, fear and bitterness is demoralizing to me, but also an important lesson.
359
Show them the film “the brainwashing of my dad”...
8
I am experiencing this with my ninety-six and ninety-nine year old parents, too. Why are they so gullible? And were they always so gullible?
15
My mother is one of those Fox news watchers -- so my sisters and I don't discuss politics with her, at all, because it doesn't go well.
10
Dogs. Cats, if you must.
61
Dogs are absolutely essential to this aging woman. My two give me a chance to continue to feel both loving and their unconditional loving for me. To be able "to feel love" is a powerful antidote for lives that have known many loses of both body and mind.
24
Another resource edited by Wayne Booth;
The Art of Growing Older: Writers on Living and Aging
8
Ms Brodi, please, a little less-self focus (we know you are just so terrific) and some more science and serious examination of the topic.
17
What a nasty comment. I’ve read Ms. Brody for years and she strikes a fine balance between the general (medical discoveries) and the specific (how these resonate with her).
P.S. not everyone in NH is as grumpy as the prior commenter! Go for a walk, pal!
7
Archie Bunker and Fred Sanford have always been so much older then me, now I’m 10 years older then them. How did this happen, I ask you.
30
I must start by noting that the title of Jane E. Brody's article on "old age," gave me both trepidation and hope. The trepidation refers to my continuing battle with myself to face the future with both hope and positive feelings, now that I have passed the milestone of being 75 years old 2 months ago. After reading the very inspiring essay I must share with the author and NYT' readers that I am more comfortable with facing the future with its combination of the ongoing loss of aging neighbors (from my winter "snowbird" home in Florida), friends and relatives and people in the news that I have never met, but whom are significant to me. The best thing I took from reading Ms. Brody's selection, is what I get from her articles in general; she is very positive in outlook, grounded in good common sense, has a healthy respect for experience, and believes that folks can have a great deal to do with whether they choose to be happy or sad and grumpy. I enjoy my grandchildren and never feel so old that I forget what I was like when "new and small" in the great big world. I share with family and friends my thoughts, feelings and memories and look forward to whatever is ahead for me because I know that if I choose to look at what is left that I can do, I will not have time or interest in feeling sorry for that which I can do no longer. Thanks!!!
15
When I was a teenager I always enjoyed the company of old people because I liked history and could listen to them talk for hours. Now that I’m getting old I hope some younger person will find me interesting in that way or, at least, rather amusing.
57
From the ages of 2 to 15, I lived with my mother, older sister, younger sister, younger brother and my mother's parents, and my mother's grandfather. My mother worked as an industrial designer, my grandfather farmed, my grandmother "kept house", and my great-grandfather (he died at 89 when I was 15) ran a business in a building next to our house. From as long as I can remember until my great-grandfather died in his bed at age 89, we spend hours together each day--minus school time. I learned early that "old-age" meant little. I'm loving mine!
8
I was raised by my mother's parents after her divorce -- a rather harsh grandmother ( who nonetheless read to us, gave us great cooking and good educations and nurtured us as well as she could) and a terrific grandfather, more interesting and outgoing. Quite brilliant naval architect and a good grandfather to me. I feel blessed to have had more contact with many of their friends and colleagues, all their age! Great training wheels!
3
It is sad to see someone measure the meaning of their life in terms of awards. As I get older all I care about is having good doctors who can help me live a lot longer and keep my quality of life
3
What do you mean? She did not say she is "less than" because she did not get a Pulitzer, nor would be "more than," if she did. I took her to say that she is satisfied being whom and what she is and having accomplished certain things and played certain roles.
You know, we all have our unique constellation of what and whom we believe are important as we age. I get that you wish to maintain a set of good doctors to enhance your functioning and quality of life. Good for you. I would like that also. But I also want other things, including the satisfaction and comfort with my life that Jane Brody seems to have achieved.
1
I'm an 86 year old woman. I no longer ski or skate but I do love cartooning.
Drawing and painting fill my days, heart and mind. Cartooning
is simplicity. A picture is worth a thousand words. It's a joy.
A sense of accomplishment . I have been published in the
Hartford Courant, (1970"s?) But I still love this. Do some every day.
Thanks Jane E Body for this article. Us old productive types need to share.
Judy Duvall Westcott
39
I have been reading your sage advice for as long as you have been writing it. No matter the lack of Pulitzer, you have made a difference. Your cook book alone occasioned a major shift in what I eat and how I fix it. At age 75, I am as lean and strong as when I was young. I can no longer roller skate, but there are so many other fun ways of keeping in shape that it does not really matter. Thank you.
15
I smiled as I read this. So much of the "enjoy what you have now" philosophy is what I have learned from the generations of dogs I have cared for. As hearing, sight and mobility decline, they still enjoy their meals, sniffing everything outdoors, a nap in a puddle of sunlight, having their bellies rubbed. Their grace in aging is inspirational.
137
Amen! As the owner of two dogs, I couldn’t agree more. My senior pup, with his gray ears, diminishing hearing and eyesight, arthritic legs, and loss of two bottom teeth teaches me daily the important basics of life. He gets out three times a day running, sniffing, doing doggy things, and being a companion to his younger doggy sister. But, most of all he reminds me every single minute of the value of the moment we are in at the moment. He gets it and reminds me to get it! Make the most of what you’ve got because that’s all you’ve got!
7
It helps to remind ourselves and our juniors that the resources old people consume they most likely paid for in pension contributions, social security and Medicare taxes and personal retirement savings. Corporate 401-K contributions are components of mutually agreed-upon compensation packages.
The problem is that too many working class people never earned enough to squirrel away savings (or they simply declined to do so). By itself, the public social safety net to protect them in their dotage is so parsimonious as to condemn recipients to living their lives out on miserable poverty.
We could do much better, but we are not of a collective mind to elect governments that creatively solve problems. Our solution is to elect governments that create them.
27
Finding Meaning and Happiness in Old Age - Legal Pot!
23
Bottom line at any age there are the good and the bad.
I am a senior and of course the big bad is poorer health but most everything else is good.
By and large, you don't have to work. You are financially secure. Little things in life make you happy now like seeing the grand kids, walking in the park etc.
Of course like with any age in life, you have to work at it otherwise you will run into problems.
8
"...By and large, you don't have to work. You are financially secure..."
Consider yourself lucky on both counts; many do not experience either.
35
Sadly, too many seniors are not financially secure and have no family to interact with. Be glad for what you have...
16
Thank you for your reply human being (and vaccin. ) below.
You are both correct.
It is all relative though. Thanks to Presidents like FDR, LBJ and other people with SS, Medicare, Medicaid, we seniors are much better off then decades ago.
Also thanks to the above, more seniors are financially secure than not.
5
I wonder if people age as they have lived. Of course there are the often uncontrollable difficulties and tragedies that can disrupt the time line of a life.
But if you are curious & open to change - you continue. If you are angry & bitter you continue.
I have always been drawn to books, stories, & people who wanted to talk & explore what this experience of being human is like. Now that I tumble into my 60's I think of the growing list of people I have known & loved who are gone. But I also think of how incredible (& painful) a lifetime is - the stories & experiences. And perhaps the lesson of letting go - let go of anger, of judgement, and forgive.
But as my mother who was a very smart & sometimes troubled lady said, "no one really pays attention or wants to hear from old folks". It is too bad, because the deep lessons & experiences of loving, living, and letting go - of change - those experiences are so rich... but the (younger) world doesn't want to hear them.
So I find some other old farts who get it - what this life can be - and we nod our heads in agreement.
21
Age is no excuse!
My greatest teacher just died the other day, at age 91. For the last 34 years of her life -- since retirement -- Mom became increasingly angry and bitter. Her disdain for humanity and her smoking isolated her from the rich potential of time and untapped talents. She talked of volunteering and painting and travel, but did none of it. She used that talk to buy stuff that would let her pursue those passions, but let them sit in the closet. Mindless consumerism -- manifest most absurdly in the serial purchase of yet another house, just a few blocks from the old one, 12 in that period -- filled her days. Trips to discount stories to buy or return previous purchases occupied her days. She was smart and educated, but off the rails. Her misanthropy further expressed itself in openly cruel comments to strangers, and racist dismissal of black and Asian immigrants. One of them was with her when she passed. What a sad, wasted time. But a great lesson, in how not to engage aging.
78
Stuart:
Thank you for your comments. Everything and everyone we meet imparts a lesson... you are a good learner!
2
Jane, your columns have been extraordinarily helpful to me as I grow older, ponder whether to get a dog, and have lost my parents. I have so much of your writing bookmarked. I wish I were on the Pulitzer committee cuz you'd be getting a call from us in no time!
6
Get a dog! Ask your local shelter about fostering a dog or offer to watch a neighbor’s dog when they’re on vacation or just gone for the day. See how it feels. Every dog is different so get the right one. And they are a huge commitment.
3
My 95 year old mother thinks she should be pitied and given sympathy for being old. She has cataracts she will not correct and ears stuffed with years of cotton off of Q-tips she will not have removed. She is very healthy and resents this as she can not get the "poor old lady" treatment she craves. Nothing would suit her better than attending her own funeral and seeing the reactions from her friends. I am wishing for a different someone who would see pleasure in her grandchildren, she has no use for them as they take attention from her. Help!!
9
I’m so sorry to hear that. It must be so discouraging. Her gift to you is showing you what you do not want to be. Take care.
12
having financial security is 80 percent of whether old age will be peaceful or not
157
Yep, like Tennessee Williams said, "It's OK to be young and not have money. It's not OK to be old and not have money."
6
I'm thinking all the comment I see here are from financially secure people. Good for you!
12
My grandmother married her nursing home sweetheart at 86. The day after the wedding, she looked younger than she had in years...... but quickly reverted back to poor health. She lived another three years with a devoted companion.
She was once a beautiful and vain woman but she met her second husband when she was frail and a shell of her former self. He saw through that anyway. When I think of them, I am uplifted in a way that brings me to tears. Too many times we tell ourselves we can't do certain things because of societal expectation. My grandmother sure illustrated to me how stupid that is.....
35
We’ve formed a Courageous Aging group here in Boulder. We’re reading “Courageous Aging” by Dr. Ken Druck as a background for our discussions. While there are 11 of us in the group, in various life stages, many of us often can’t make our weekly meetings because we’re off to somewhere in the world or involved in a project we can’t put aside. We’ve experienced losses, setbacks and illnesses.
But our group is a terrific support to each other and we’re constantly looking for new ways to enjoy this life stage while also preparing our legacy and our departures.
We were all participants in an Intergenerational Writing group in a U of Colorado’s writing and rhetoric course. We were among 60 community members (i. e. Seniors) each paired up with a millennial student. We spent a semester learning from each other, writing about each other and doing projects on topics of mutual interest. This pilot project has built lifelong friendships among the seniors and the millennial partners.
Our slogans “Onward and Upward” and “Inward and Outward” continue to challenge us to try new things and keep learning and growing and giving back and being in a nurturing community.
39
May I suggest a book edited by Wayne Booth;
The Art of Growing Older: Writers on Living and Aging
2
Your group sounds very inspiring and wonderful... and courageous. I wish I knew some of you bcs I could use a little of all that in my life!
2
I am 60 and most of my friends and relatives a generation older have died but one 92 year old friend who lives independently provides a wonderful example of someone who lives a "glass half full" life. My own parents did not do this and I struggled to cope with their unhappiness. My friend takes university extension courses, makes new friends in her building, interacts with her friends' grandchildren, volunteers for a political party, goes to the movies, even travels despite physical challenges. I think what is most noticeable is her continuing interest in others. I hope I will be like this if I have the chance. One of the things that most amazed me was that, having suffered a lifetime of anxiety, she started therapy in her late 80's (it helped). A hardship for her is the deaths one after another of her friends of her cohort who share her memories but she is honest about the sadness.
51
I live to work in my garden. The winter goes by slowly but spring brings me back to life. Gardening is good for the mind, body and soul. I raise most of our summer vegetables and freeze many of them to take us through the winter. I'm still trying to adjust to retirement, looking for a hobby that can take me through the colder months.
34
Gardening is an incredibly rewarding activity. Just the repetitive, fine motor act of planting can help stave negative thoughts or emotions. You are quite wise to make gardening part of your routine and it's obvious you enjoy it!
12
Knit/crochet, photography, scrapbooking, reading, learn a new language?
5
Mah Jongg
1
And I am one of those "grateful readers" who looks forward to your column every week. I always learn something from you. Better than a Pulitzer!
7
Although I will not be buried, I occasionally visit a cemetery to remind myself of mortality. Which reminds me that my time here is limited.
If that's not a pick-me-up, I don't know what is.
20
Age is no excuse! I am a 71 year old woman who is healthier and stronger than I have ever been. I eat a healthy diet, work out with a trainer 3 times a week, play golf twice a week, volunteer for several non-profit organizations and recently taken up kick boxing.
My life is busier and more rewarding than ever and I plan to continue looking for more opportunities to enrich my remaining years.
21
You sound like you are bragging about your health and your ability to afford gof and trainers. This is not what the article is about.
24
She's not bragging, shame on you! She's an example of what is possible.
4
Why snipe when you could give a hoorah to a fellow old? You’ll never be happy bemoaning other’s happiness.
3
I would appreciate hints as to how to enjoy life better while being a caregiver to a partner who is ill, depressed, anxious and not enjoying life.
26
Depending on your circumstances ask for help from your support system if available, hire help if financially able, join a caregivers group and, most importantly try to detach when possible by getting out of the house to the gym, lunch or a movie. You can also try online classes to keep your mind busy. I lived with a sick child, now deceased, and a sick husband, now deceased so I am not in the dark about your situation.
9
Kudos to you for being a caregiver! I am elderly and, so far, able to take care of myself - but I have no family or close enough friends to look after me when I can't.
Make sure you take tine for yourself for some enjoyment.
6
That's a hard one -- and most relevant in our age when people live ever longer with disabilities that make them dependent on others.
How much YOU spend your time is mostly a personal matter. I say mostly, because it will depend on your level of connection with the person. Some take on reduced hours of work to attend and be with the other; others may decide for public health facility or private help, if possible. In my opinion, HOW MUCH we take care of the other will mostly be what YOU are comfortable with within your philosophy of what you owe to yourself to live the life you are given versus the dedication of it toward looking after another life yourself. Still, you may never feel fully satisfied with one solution or the other because there aren't tidy answers to this situation. Worse you may feel guilty for not doing "enough" and hostile for not having to be fair with your own life that justly demands living.
For myself, I've stopped seeing my doctor, not that I am in great need; I just don't want to rely on outside for what I myself can improve with: diet, exercise, good sleep, and controlling stress, and a generally life-enhancing lifestyle. Without being obsessed with life. Doctor will try to eliminate what MAY be a potential hazard -- Without regard for side effects. I know there is huge overtreatment of breast cancer, including DCIS (Ductal carcinogenic in situ). Docs get sued for undertreatmnent, not overdoing.
All best
7
Thanks Jane, for sharing books/thoughts that we often need, but somehow do not read. Getting older often includes losing the love of your life; I recently lost my wife of 60 years. It was a love story from beginning to end, even tho she fought cancer for five years and lost.
So it is not only getting older, it is getting older alone. Fortunately, I have five grown children/8 grandchildren. They have lifted me up on a daily basis.
I have also joined groups who are in a similar position, w/their mental lectures, physical walks in the parks, and more help as needed. I have great memories to keep going and the hope of making more good memories before I meet my wife again.
31
At 87 I do not know in which category I should place myself..really not knowing if my joys and sufferings are normal ( as they seem to increase as days go by)
Having said that, I found that for me who share interests in many fields the best help comes from the daily reading of the N.Y Times. There, I find world-wide coverage on whatever the subject or almost. Yet I find our paper a bit short on rugby. The six Nations tournament ended with Ireland winning all its games. Quite a feat! But when I come to this perhaps that I did not look deep enough into the paper to discover that it was covered.
16
Yes, more rugby!
2
For me, my "old age" (I am 66) is seeing that for me and most of my boomer peers, it was indeed "a better world". I'm not seeing much upside on all of the new technology except to keep us from having human conversations, face-to-face, and what amounts to a 100,000 mile leash that we call cell phones.
I used to be able to meet friends for a cocktail to catch up on what was going on in their lives without the worry of being interrupted by a cell phone call. We also witnessed the end of pensions (which our fathers had) and any semblance of respect for teachers, law enforcement and "public servants." I can remember when many of our elected officials weren't afraid of their voters.
66
If I could push a button that would make all the cell phones permanently disappear forever I would not hesitate for even one second. How I miss normal conversations and random encounters.
4
Love tech - makes life easier, provides endless entertainment, any information you could need, and allows one to communicate with anyone. Nit interested in going backwards.
2
"words or spelling may temporarily escape me": I have no problem with spelling so far, and when a word escapes me I usually remember it in another language; then, all I have to do is look it up. (I am over 80, and still gardening).
9
Interesting, Aline. I have few problems with spelling also--but darn auto-correct does more damage to my spelling and written word than I do. (: I occasionally have difficulty finding the right word when writing. That is when I find online dictionaries and thesauruses very helpful. I may type in a similar word or just a thought of what I am trying to say and voila, I often find just the word! Having this searching for words occur during conversation or presentations and meetings is a lbit disconcerting, though.
I am still working full time--in fact I just began a full time job at age 66 at a place where I started five years ago at 10 hours a week at very low pay--after being out of the full-time workforce first due to illness and then, even after returning to school to earn another master's at age 60, due somewhat to ageism. I will never again make a salary close to what I made previously, but I am ok with that. It was not easy to land this job and, in the end, I needed a new higher level manager to take notice of the work I was doing--fresh eyes, so to speak. But this happens to younger folks, too.
One advantage that I have over younger folks is that I can write fairly well and this job requires a fair bit of writing. (I use the online thesaurus trick a bit at work). I do have a lot of energy despite chronic impairments so I also very much consider myself LUCKY. Not everyone is as lucky as you and I, Aline. Keep doing what you are doing and ENJOY!
8
For my generation, Baby Boomers, old age for many will include dealing wirh severe financial distress, due in no small part to the Great Recession. It will mean the need to work at any menial job with a scant paycheck, access to limited health care and little joy and relaxation after a life of hard work. But what is even more terrifying is the attitude of the younger generations, that we are to blame for the country's debt, weak gun laws and ineffective government. Their lack of appreciation and knowledge of the advances that we have given to them is appalling. Civil and womens rights, the internet and their cell phones and enormous medical advances are among our gifts the following generations. Disrespect, dismissiveness and marginalizing our right to dignity and care better not be theirs to us.
41
Dear LisaG... I feel your pain. But we don't get to pick and choose what society remembers about us. Did you thank the former generations for giving you social security or curse them for Vietnam? Human beings, and societies, are by nature, imperfect. Every legacy is a package of positives and negatives. The truly educated person learns the pros and cons, and determines whether the dominating flavor is good, bad, or an even mix. And then they try not to make the mistakes of their predecessors. While the uneducated draw conclusions from incomplete information. You're asking a generation to only remember what we did right, but that will deprive them of the chance to learn from our errors and omissions. And our hubris.
Bottom line: the younger generation will - and should - blame their predecessors for leaving them an imperfect world, including gun violence and lack of public financial oversight, unaffordable college tuition with high interest loans, and a toxic ecology. Maybe you were never a member of Congress, a banker or stock broker, but you're a member of the generation that failed to protect those who followed. We hope they can fix some of the stuff we ignored or broke.They will break stuff too, and just like us, they will be remembered for all of it.
9
I ignore their folly.
I know better.
1
Each "young" generation believes they will never grow old. When they do, they feel no remorse for their earlier behavior, they are too caught up in feeling sorry for themselves in their decomposed state. This cycle is everlasting because most humans are by nature selfish and evil. I smile at their conduct because I know exactly what awaits them, while they are ignorant of it and can't see beyond the ends of their sexual organs.
2
In the past few years I have ripened into my 60s and retired, joining the 'senior discount' demographic . My wife and I have sold our city home and moved to the country. While we are not rich, we did plan well and moved to our dream house on the water.
During that time I have also helped my mother, who lives in a different part of the country, sell the family home and move into an 'assisted living' facility as she reached her 90s with failing strength but mental faculties intact.
When I see what's ahead I shutter.
Pleasent, modern, and pamphlet perfect, to the casual observer or the potential customer, it seems to be a veritable paradise for those needing help to live. But the facade hides a dark purpose of just warehousing the nearly dead. Providing demeaning, meaningless distractions, minimal care and profit driven cuisine, it's a system that seems intent on squeezing every last dime out of its residents before they check out. And, like Hotel California, 'you can check in any time you like but you can never leave.'
God save me. But don't save for that.
223
Yes, there are disadvantages to living so long. We are at a place in medicine where we can keep people physically alive but at the cost of little to no quality of life.
8
Old age homes are like the Turpin family described in the media. People are tied to their wheel chairs, left to sit in their own wastes, denied food when the staff is too busy, Never go outside, no mental stimulation, dark and foul-smelling, sometimes beatings, often meaningless needle punctures for tests that won’t affect their quality of life. No rescue and no possibility of freedom.
5
Thank you for this comment. I shudder as well. My grandmother was in assisted living places for years - she lived to be 99. The facilities she was at were VERY nice, and expensive - $7,500 a MONTH. (I'd never be able to afford that, so god knows where I'd be stuck.)
At the end, it did in fact seem like warehousing. My grandmother was carted around for meals, she only sometimes knew who was who and what was what, and she could no longer enjoy any of the things she once liked, even reading books.
One day I was sitting with her in the main room, and an assistant at the next table was with another elderly lady, and they were reading a children's book. Slowly. Sounding things out.
At that point i turned to my mom and said, no, never. If or when i get to that point, just shove me off a cliff. (Yes, ignoring the fact that my mom would be around 150 at that point!) If I'm at the point where I can't do ANYTHING I once liked, even reading or discussing politics or hobbies, etc., then I'm done. Fini. The cliff awaits.
7
I always read Ms Brody with trepidation but usually come away with something useful. This time it was a reminder that my husband and I don't have to strive for anything anymore.
Sure, we can put in lots of effort, me (76) in our garden, him (79) in community theater. But we also adore those activities and feel happiness (?) in striving.
I also felt renewed compassion for others because we're lucky to have enough money plus we're pretty darn healthy.
That could change in a minute but why worry?
13
Both positive and negative comments all contain truth.
Having or having had strong family connections is in the background of many of those who maintain both a sense of humor and joy in living; I think those of us who had problems in our early lives find that we come full circle to confront them once again as we age. Living w/o support of close family or friends is simply hard and sometimes overwhelming( at any age).
Aside from our psychological makeup, serious illnesses which affect cognition and mood severely are a huge luck of the draw thing. "physical" illnesses often have components of depression or anxiety which are not "just" psychological, but caused by the changes in the brain and body.
For those of us who have aged to 70 or beyond and do have out wits and decent health, deciding - and making plans - to continue active involvement are important, so that the days don;t just "disappear." A lot of people I know around 70+ still work, volunteer, go to cultural or sports events, socialize as much as possible - -
When you are in your 20's, say, you seem to do many things naturally, out of impulse. When you hit your older years, you realize that you can't leave the rest of your life to chance: if you don't get busy with what you want to experience, you will lose your chance to dance.
28
As a senior, I think older people fall into one of two categories: those who enjoy and treasure their old age, and the kvetchers who are determined to be unhappy.
I don't think there is much crossover between the two camps. (Of course, if one puts two kvetchers in a room they will complain to each other all day long and be happy doing so.)
I am enthusiastically part of the first camp.
I also think that older people have a lot to offer both to their peers and to younger people. In a society where most young people seem to have more on their plate than they can handle, it might be good to create paths to make it easier for seniors in the first camp to offer their wisdom and help to others.
15
Agree that "older people have a lot to offer both to their peers and to younger people". The trouble is that these groups aren't interested and don't want to hear any counseling from out-of-touch "dinosaurs".
5
They don’t treasure their old age. They treasure being able to do meaningful things, the predictor of happiness at any age.
1
I guess I'm surprised at how big a deal is made out of aging. For me, aging meant being spared a low level mind numbing employment. It meant having time to appreciate life's little pleasures and to enjoy the only thing I've found that is permanent in life, the present. I force myself to physical challenges only to find out how much I've lost which leads to two outcomes - discouragement at how much has been lost and an appreciation that the greater loss is to give into discouragement.
57
Are either Agronin or Leland elderly?
I know many elderly people that are very eager to meet their maker.
They would not describe their lives and "meaningful" and happy.
Ever been to a nursing home? Ever been to someone who has lost their eyesight, their hearing, their ambulatory ability, their independence, are in constant pain? Need I go on?
61
It sounds like Agronin may have worked in nursing homes or is at least familiar with them. Yes, they can be mind-numbing places and many people there do suffer and most do not want to be there. Yet, I agree with Agrinin--some people can and do experience positive aging even in the face of illness and residence in a nursing home. They do not become non-persons simply because they are in facilities and may have less than adequate care at times. I have volunteered and worked in nursing homes and I know there are many dedicated staff and volunteers inside their walls--and many residents who are not merely counting the days until their deaths.
I would really encourage folks, including older folks, to volunteer in nursing homes. Residents NEED social contact and caring so that their days have high points and activities and social contact and warmth they look forward to. Mind you, I am not lining up to become a resident, but we can actually do a lot to make residents days better and add some positivity to their lives.
7
At age 70 years I am now (as a 72 year old friend of mine so delicately put it, "an official coffin-dodger". Getting old certainly takes some getting used to.
Since that age of about 3 when I found out that the girl who lived over the road from me was 'different', I had been hopelessly addicted to estrogen. Accordingly, for decades I was a very keen and enthusiastic student of biology.
Now, at age 70 and after undergoing a radical prostatectomy some four years ago, in order to maintain my interest, I settle for studying mathematics and physics. I began a Bachelor of Science degree at age 55 and completed it at about age 62. My studies in mathematics and physics afford me an interest which is different, but nevertheless, very exciting.
25
Ms Brody has espoused a formula which is working for her and paradigm for any of us in the 65 plus age group. Getting enjoyment out of passionate work or activities. Spending time with family and friends. For some spirituality in the form of religion provides structure and a sense of community. And choose whom you want to spend time with wisely.
10
all of this is, of course, not news...
Thanks Jane for your lovely articles. Always enjoy reading them.
7
While " it is possible to maintain purpose and meaning in life even in the face of significant disease and disability, impaired mental and physical functioning and limited participation in activities" how many of us old actually have such quality? In my experience as a mid-seventies man, I find most people who are retired or over 65, they are often uninteresting, unoriginal, and have too fragile egos which they puff up appearing even more worthless than the yound who can be forgiven for such showing-off.
Yet if there is one thing that makes us interesting -- young or old -- is the deep and well-examined purpose that we follow no matter what age. Then we have some glint in our eyes with a wink, and then we are eager to learn what matters. Otherwise, I'm afraid, even in old age much action passes for distraction: to avoid the real deeper complexities in human affairs, be they in business, politics, health, or sciences, and so on. Without such depth that only comes with open mind and not an ossified personality that too often defines old age. Old age with fixed ideas are no magnet for interesting company. And that is why I, a senior, feel famished for deep conversations along with levity of steps whatever distance they can traverse.
25
The point being made about satisfying aging is that one does not have to live up to someone else's standards. I'm in a writing group of older women - I'm amazed each month at what these people say - more often than not their pieces are interesting, personal, funny, profound and often beautifully written.
May I quote? " . . . an ossified personality that too often defines old age. Old age with fixed ideas are no magnet for interesting company." What if we look beyond our fixed ideas about old age - because when we do there is much that is interesting, wise, and a true pleasure to spend time with. We now have the time to listen, with a quiet mind, and find treasure in what our aging companions have to share with us.
4
Your comments make me want to say Yes. My project in age (nearly 81)
is to keep connecting with those who never get over the wonder of being alive. They keep me alert to the possibilities in each day. You sound like such a person.
4
Martha Graham was a choreographer long before she retired from the stage, and in fact was the central figure in her own dance dramas. In fact I don't know of any dancers who became choreographers after retiring from dance. But some choreographers continue to choreograph long after. Merce Cunningham choreographed until two weeks before his death at age 90.
11
Aging -- it's a fact of life. You can sit and stew about getting old; or, you can be active, finding new outlets to enjoy. I chose the latter; glad I did.
19
"aging itself can be a catalyst for rich new experiences, offering a way to renew passions and reinvent oneself."
I would change just one word in that sentence - the modal verb. How about "may" instead of "can"? Aging may be a catalyst for rich new experiences - but only if you're the kind of person who craves and enjoys novelty. Aging may offer a way to renew passions - but only if you had passions to start with. Aging may offer a way to reinvent yourself - but only if you've spent enough time in therapy or read enough self-help books to believe that a self can be reinvented. If you're not a creative kind of person to start with, the "creative aging" model has nothing to offer you.
11
Having watched my parents and inlays age I have seen what works and what doesn't.
Keeping active and having younger friends is paramount.
Holding on to ones freedom and working with family to prepare for the physical restrictions. Number one: move bedroom downstairs and have a shower with gripping bars installed.
Try and simplify and declutter, this can be extremely hard as often every object has a memory attached.
Review medications as with less activity some drugs take longer to work through our system.
When I turned 60 I realized I had enough stuff and I could enjoy giving away as much as acruing. Be not afraid and be generous. Easier said then done!
62
I am so lucky. My new SIL is Nicaraguan. In their culture he tells me the young visit the elderly on the weekends. So he and my step daughter come over on Sat frequently to visit my husband and me. At first I was surprised and felt “old”. After thinking about it, now I feel cherished. What a nice custom.
77
“Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.” Wise words from Lincoln.
At age 72 and in good health, waking up every day feels like everyday is a Saturday. Technological innovations have made the average individuals
experienced a much more richer life than the emperors and Tsars of old. I hope I live long enough to savor the next round of technological innovations coming from the applications of Quantum computing in the next few years.
21
'...knowing they face a limited time in front of them, focus their energies on things that give them pleasure in the moment...' Yeah but for the better part of 60 years, I've been focused on a 40-year time-scale and now I have to shrink to less than 20. Not so easy to break old habits.
4
Pragmatism. I recommend it.
2
Actually its "Somewhere toward the End." Diana Athill's memoir. Her "Alive, Alive, Oh." also explores old age. She turned 100 yesterday and her mind is still sharp as can be. A wonderful writer!
11
Thank you for this article, Ms. Brody. My wife and I are happily retired in our late 60s. We’ve found that this may be the best time in our lives. We no longer have to meet expectations, prove anything, strive, push, achieve and put on what T. S. Eliot called a face to meet the faces that you meet. The ego — that mighty, awful, but necessary engine — begins to melt and you ride happily on that melting. Reading, exercise, thinking, traveling, being truly available to others: These are among the many benefits of aging. It will all end, but that’s okay. Again, thank you for this article.
151
Hey, guess what? We were in your shoes for 13 very happy months: thinking that we had worked very, very hard for decades to finally retire reap the leisure and rewards of those efforts, to really enjoy the carefree life together, filled with travell, books, hobbies. One day, one stroke, one sudden death ---- and life is over.
Good luck to those few people who find joy in aging. I look all around me and see very few who do.
9
“Many benefits of aging...” to those with money, health and family.
8
You reap what you sow.
My 92 year old father and I would break into bales of laughter if he mentioned any medication he was taking. “I’d say “oh, oh, you’ might be getting old, dad”
He had a sense of the absurd, an understanding of life, and.a spring in his step until the day he wa diagnosed with a brain tumor on what was to be the last day he ever played golf. But oddly enough, he was happy even in his final months, because he was surrounded by his children, grandchildren and great grandbabies. My sister would say his apartment was like a crowded bar. We just wanted to get all that we could of his love, wisdom, warmth and humor even as he was leaving us. My sister also said that our father was the only person she had every known who had reached the fifth level of Maslow’s hierarchy. A person has to do a lot of work to achieve that. But mostly, my father, in addition to the many other gifts he had, had the gift of happiness. And that made all the difference in how he lived and how he died.
207
Happy for your father, but in reality, most elderly (you know, those living in social security, perhaps food stamps or Meals on Wheels never get beyond Maslowes first level of the hierarchy, never mind self fulfillment.
6
After retiring from a rewarding career as an engineer and manager, I searched for interesting things to do. I discovered a senior center that has a ceramic studio with all-week open studio time. Fortunately, my wife and I liked this and immersed ourselves for the last 7 years. I have been concentrating in making ceramic foods and have been showing and selling them at a gallery. Every piece I sold was a reaffirmation of my late-developed artistic skills, and they give me joy. At 74, I can look forward to perhaps another 5 years of relative healthy and active life, and if I am lucky, another 10 years of relative mobility. To take full advantage of these limited years, we decided to make the most of them. We bought a Miata and enjoy driving top-down in the warm spring days. We are doing what the authors advocate. We do what we can today and do not limit ourselves by worrying about the inevitable future years.
8
Jane Brody has a way of touching a nerve with her articles. The comments so far are a mix of the hope and dread among the younger, and resilience and resignation among the older. The road that each of us goes down as we age is so unpredictable and often, it seems, so dreadful. Especially if we're not rich and don't have a big loving family to watch out for us. Having at least one person who'd do anything for you seems, to me, the key to it all. But I don't have that person, so I hope I can make the best of it on my own.
I have no advice or insights. But I'm glad Jane Brody is still writing these columns, still trying to say something useful and interesting about difficult topics. Who knows, maybe she put some wind in some reader's sails today, and that's a fine thing. Keep going, Jane!
130
Ker,
I wish your well!
Jane Brody paints a rosy but unrealistic picture of aging, from books by authors who talked to people in the very best, most expensive nursing homes. (Google those nursing homes and read the yelp reviews; they still have problems.)
The response to abuse and ageism should be anger, not cheerful acceptance. Doctors delay older people's appointments because "they don't mind waiting." Employers laugh when old people want meaningful paid work. Antebellum southern families claimed their slaves were happily singing in their cabins; this article would say old people don't mind being treated as second class persons. .
Not everyone has grandchildren or loving families. There's no compensation for losing the activities that once gave meaning to life, no substitute for being taken seriously and paid market wages for quality work.
Read Susan Jacoby's book, Never Say Die, and Nortin Hadler's book, Rethinking Aging. Hadler, a geriatrician, writes about nursing homes (pp 171-172), "It is a sad commentary that some elderly people would be better off committing a felony such as counterfeiting money; in prison, their assets are preserved, their meals are guaranteed, and their health care is scrupulously monitored and fully covered." That's a much more realistic view of aging, particularly those incarcerated in even the best institutions.
Articles like this one support ageism and encourage readers to ignore the very real problems and abuses associated with growing older.
226
Fact is, most of us are going to get old. I started preparing to be old when I was young. I saved. Worked hard. Exercised. Ate healthy. Kept learning. People are somewhat superstitious - they don't make wills in case they will die. They don't think about getting old until they're old. They sacrifice too much for their children and leave too little for themselves. Pragmatism - and choose to be happy.
15
According to a NYT article, in Japan that's just what old people are doing in order to have three square meals and a community. As usual Jane Brody seems incapable of seeing beyond her own little world. A lot of people won't have grandchildren to indulge, and many will need a job but won't be able to perform one, or find one. This article is squarely in the tradition that Barbara Ehrenreich described so well as 'bright-siding'. Anything to distract us from the righteous anger we should be feeling at how society treats its older and poorer members.
20
I have been a doctor in prisons and nursing homes. Very old prisoners are often released to die in nursing homes which give better care than prison hospitals.
90% on nursing home patients are on Medicaid, which covers all their basic expenses.
There is a qoute from Mark Twain that says, "Do not complain about growing old, it is a privilege denied to many." I think the article really captures that idea and highlights the wisdom that comes with age. It is interesting and saddening how in today's society growing old is seen as something to be dreaded. It is also very unfortunate, as the writer points out, that younger people will choose to not be around those that are older for fear of catching their "disease." There is so much to be learned from our elders who have seen far more than we have. It is nice to see books such as these being published, hopefully it will cause a change of perspective on this topic.
78
yep - at childcare a little boy looked at my neck and said 'wow - you're really OLD ... !'
I replied 'yes - and if you're LUCKY - one day you may get to be old too !'
13
I thoroughly identify with the quote from good ol' Sam, whether or not he really said it!
"Do not complain about growing old, it is a privilege denied to many."
My tendency, like many commenters here, is to focus on negative circumstances in a glass half-empty way but when it comes to aging and all its consequences I'm generally more upbeat. This may be because I had an unusual number of friends die long before "their time." All I need do is think of them and I can once again be grateful to be getting older - to see one more rising sun, for the chance to hear a melody or a joke, for the taste of a piece of fruit, and for who knows what other riches might come my way before the sun sets again. I know that one day the pains of life may become overwhelming, but that will involve actual physical suffering, not mere dissatisfaction with external things.
And to the complaint of many here about our sad political affairs, may we be grateful for the "wake-up call" that the Donald has given to every decent citizen while also hoping to live to see him and his fellow con artists in the "dustbin of history" as is inevitable.
7
@Claire C.
My mom died at age 57 of cancer and it has greatly influenced how I perceive aging. I wholeheartedly agree with Mark Twain. Thank you for this comment, Claire.
1
Happiness is seeing your enemies die before you, and realizing they were nothing but ghosts to begin with.
30
Any women written books you can cite?
14
Diana Athill has written beautifully about old age. I especially liked "Somewhere Near the End."
3
Another fab book by Diana Athill who turned 100 yesterday besides "Somewhere Towards the End" is "Alive, Alive, Oh." Available on Kindle.
2
Another book about growing old by a woman: Margaret Drabble's "The Dark Flood Rises". Loved it, read it 3 times. I 'm a Yank but I favor Brit women writers.
4
There's a lot of negativity below in the comments. From what I've seen, your retirement will reflect the younger you, who you are at your core. I spent my youth learning, among other things, never to give up. I just retired last month and recently experienced a volunteer setback, but hey, I'm not giving up and will find my niche soon. In the meantime I'm going on a cruise withmy64 year old hot, silver fox husband!
It's going to be pure hedonism! I just wish people didn't call me " dear" lately- I call them that!
8
Ellen: There's a lot of negativity below in the comments".
That "negativity" is reality for many of the elderly and it is better to accept the negative part of aging as well as the positives.
I hope at age 90 you feel as you do today. I felt pretty happy at age 64, less so now.
14
All old people do not have "wisdom" to give to the younger generation. I attend pulmonary rehab with old people 3 times weekly and have done so now for over 11 years. Yes, there are a few whom I would call "wise" and who have much wisdom to share with their children, and in particular, their grandchildren. But the majority are none too bright, are not particularly well educated, and even those who are educated, appear to never read a newspaper or keep up with anything going on in any aspect of the world. They have very little to offer other than their love, but that's not the same as wisdom.
62
Very true. Saying old people are wise is just as ageist as making derogatory comments about old people. Age is independent of wisdom.
Besides, saying older people are wise is another way to isolate the old. Who wants to hire a sage for a job?
8
Love is plenty to offer!!! That's what my grandparents, who didn't speak English, had to offer me. Very few things are as nice as the unconditional love of the very old, whether they have Ph.D's in politics or not.
31
Wisdom is not always linked to being 'bright' or educated.
My in-laws were not educated, but they sure had wisdom. I can also say that about my grandmothers.
15
My mother is 92. She experienced lots of hardships during her life, yet I always heard her say that each decades had it ups and downs. She developed some ailments (though nothing major) but never complained. She had hip surgery at 85 and went back to her narrow house with a spiral staircase on three floors. Her bathroom is on the second floor. She hangs her laundry to dry on the third floor - she does not want a dryer. She always had sky high blood pressure but decided it was her normal state. She always took minimal medications. Following in her footsteps I take none. If leaving in the States she would have been provided with lots of meds for any "pre" condition. Her attitude influenced me all my life and will when I grow (even) older. So, yes we can influence the young.
At home I am the "aging police" standing straight, no complaining, no wise words beginning with "when I was young...", no talks about medication. We started Square Dancing recently. What a blast! When we go to Hoedown the youngest I have seen is about 10 and the oldest are in their early nineties. Even those who have obvious body problems go up and dance. This is quite amazing.
We both are very active. Lots of friends. Lots of congenial dinner parties. Card games. And grateful every day.
And when my body reminds me of its long tenure. I think "great I am alive"
49
I'm glad your mother is OK with your being the "aging police." If one of my children started telling me what I could talk about I would lose it.
4
I think she is the "Aging police" to whomever she lives with. Unless I misunderstand the comment, I believe she is saying her mom still lives alone and not in the US.
2
Old age is fine if you have your health and financial means to enjoy life. I tend to agree more with Philip Roth's pronouncement that "Old age is a massacre."
146
It's so common (and human) to stereotype every age group. Such generalizations are true to some extent but blur the lines of individual differences. This article, though inspiring, and many like it, treat older people as though they were an homogenized group. I believe we are as different from each other as are those in every other age bracket. Painting the elderly with such broad brushstrokes as in this article is a disservice to them and to those interested in learning about the realities of the aging process.
217
Absolutely true. The author talks about how much she depends on her grandchildren to give her life meaning, yet many older people have no children or grandchildren. Some don't even like children!
88
This is true and research shows we become more dissimilar with age.
10
My son is a kind, easy-to-be-with 30 year old. Grody, a 60ish male acquaintance of mine, declined to meet my son because Grody doesn’t like men, and my 70ish female friend Zoey emphatically doesn’t like “children.”
Wow. Grody and Zoey. Really?
It’s interesting to read the varied reader commentary about aging. Those with a live-and-let-live message provide a ray of hope. Others remind me, if I needed reminding, how good it is to be retired now and able to choose my own (small) society.
I still like to get out amongst ‘em occasionally and I still make an effort to be presentable and possibly even accepted, just as in younger days.
My special request now would be please don’t call me Sweetie or Honey.
Thank you friends.
Daisy
1
This article has such an important message because every person has fears or anxieties about how aging will affect their lives. I see this struggle with my parents and other older adults that have been in my life who dread getting older and hate the changes they experience with their physical and mental health. Having a different outlook towards ageing can be a huge turning point for individuals that spite it rather than embrace it. Like mentioned here, it "can be a catalyst for rich new experiences, offering a way to renew passions and reinvent oneself."
3
I learned so much and cherished the time I spent with my grandparents and they definitely changed my perspective on life. As my parents get older and close to retirement I can't help but think about how many times I've thought about my parents always being right. Always valuing time spent together over meaningless gifts. I like spending time with the elderly and this article really enforced what they can teach us about life and what's important.
13
What a great outlook for a problem that faces all of us. Some of the most positive and insightful social interactions I have in my life are with those who are much older than I am. While you may lose some of you physical abilities as you age you gain knowledge that can only be attributed to a life of experiences, both good and bad.
3
Well-stated and so true!!
Youth is always focus on what they have or accomplishments in life that will make them discover their life meaning or bring happiness. I admire this article for emphasizing we can learn so much from elders and how they stay happy with their physical limitations and social interactions. I agree with the idea that creativity plays a huge role in someone's happiness because it makes us adapt with our life changes and appreciate what we have. Personally, I think appreciation and healthy relationships with our love ones is what brings happiness and meaning. We live in such a materialistic society, we forget values that mean the most in our lives.
5
It is nice to look at aging in a positive light. For years, society has made growing old a very negative and dreadful topic of discussion. This article helped me realize that growing old does not have to be a depressing subject if we do not want it to be. Happiness is a choice and it is up to us to decide if we are going to take life in a positive or negative manner.
11
More NYTs lotto culture where exceptions to the rule are trotted out in service of a shinning myth. Once we ditch the celebrity dog and pony show we get to real old age where sickness and infirmity narrow our potential in an irreversible glide path. Not to mention friends and family falling away in death or that strange thing that happens to so many, isolation. Would it not be more useful to address the challenges and indignities we older people face? I'm 68, have myriad serious health issues I confront every day. I'm estranged from my siblings and had a falling out over money with someone who was once very close and an integral part of my social circle. Then there is the incontrovertible fact of my women friends suicide eight years ago.
Given the number of people no longer working in this country who are barely surviving on food stamps and social security, who if not for medicare would be dead or living on the streets I find this column completely deaf to reality.
Growing old for many millions is the toughest thing they will ever do. Hang on to your friends, try to be kind. Or become a world renown painter or choreographer as if this is an actual choice.
337
Iconoclast, I'm sorry for your losses and challenges, and yes, growing older is really hard. I wonder if, to some extent, the point of view expressed in your comment may be contributing to your sense of isolation--if it's representative of your usual perspective, it might cause some people who otherwise would value your company to keep their distance, lest they succumb to despair. This isn't to suggest, of course, that anyone should pretend everything's rosy or deny reality, but rather to leaven reality with a measure of gratitude for what good remains.
11
Reply to Iconoclast: I’m glad you wrote this. I have had much luck and good health, but I also am keenly aware that my over-abundance of serotonin (or some other thing about which I have no power) enables me to be cheery/plucky. I read this article and thought: yes, but what if you’re depressed?
You have had more than your share of slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Please get screened for depression and focus on the right medicine. Then you might feel like exercising and socializing, the other legs of the tripod of happiness.
Good luck, fellow traveler.
11
You seek no advice, so none should be given; however, forgiving the friend who was lost due to money is possible. Even our "enemies" can change. Bitterness is as much a choice as compassion.
9
Holy crusades against pain meds, anti-anexiety and sleep promoting meds scare folks, especially older folks like me, especially when experimentally proven meds like psilocybin for anxiety and depression are still locked in Schedule 1 leaving us in constant fear.
Why is the holy crusade against opioids a constant while even the most solid, positive replicated studies of drugs like Psilocybin rate merely one-of-a articles, at most?
Till drug policy becomes science-based, articles about about "meaning and happiness" in old age remain a grim joke.
39
I think/hope this will change when Michael Pollens new book "Changing Your Mind" (about the benefits of psychedelics, particularly psilocybin), comes out in May. He is such a thought leader. Psilocybin saved my life when I became suicidily depressed from Stage IV cancer and the brutality of the treatments.
3
How is this optimism unaffected by reading the news?
8
The news are not worse now than they were 10, 20, 100 or 1000 years ago!
1
Reply to Star Gazing:
We were fighting the Nazis 70 years ago, not extolling and electing them.
5
If you have family, especially children and grandchildren, you know that there’s still important work for you to do. If you have friends, you know there’s still important work for you to do. If you’re a member of a community, you know there’s still important work for you to do. (And if you’re employed, you know there’s still important work for you to do.) Age is a continuum, and some things apply to people of any age. Your work is never done. A life is meant to be unfinished.
121
Even if you just sit and pay attention to a child or a friend, it means a lot to them. The attention I got from my grandparents when I was a little girl stayed with me all my life.
16
True! Beautifully said
4
Some of my happiest years occurred between 58 and 68. I travelled, sometimes alone for months, always inexpensively (so as to isolate myself as little as possible) in fantastic and sometimes challenging places. Cambodia, Nepal, India, Thailand, Malaysia, etc.
At home I hiked, did tai chi, swam, kayaked--and every day I did these things I would think, "Thank you, thank you!" Though I ate well and exercised, I always knew that luck was the major factor.
Then I got hit by what might at first appear bad luck, and my worst years have been after age 69. After much pushing, I let myself get bullied into taking a statin drug...for seven short months. In that time, I lost the ability to walk more than five or ten minutes; I'm utterly exhausted much of the time, to the degree that don't think clearly. Pain is significant and constant, and photos of my legs show massive myopathy.
I turn 75 this week. As hard as I try, I find it hard to make life joyous. Part of the sadness is seeing the same thing that happened to me happening to others every day. We ask if statins benefit people over 75, but why bother asking--half of Americans are already on them. No proven benefit, but to some degree (who knows, since doctors aren't required to report?) the certainty of some adverse effects and even some deaths.
Statins are certainly one of the worst, but opioids are also nasty business. Many people with adverse effects from statins take pain medication. Great business model. StatinVictims.com
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I always consider myself most fortunate, as I was born in 1938 of the greatest generation. Always cherished their wisdom, of what the had been through. The great depression and WW 2.
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Interesting Dan, I was born in 1962 of Depression era and WW2 vets. Very much wisdom, and my Mother seemed to think she was responsible for Depression--obviously not, just early childhood!
Happy 80th!
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Great article. I would place an emphasis on mindfulness meditation while going through old age (or other age for that matter). It is never too late to discover that you can have a significant impact on your physical and emotional well being by becoming more aware of your thoughts and feelings and that it is within your power to manage them. Whether dealing with depression, loneliness and pain, or trying to cultivate joyfulness, peace and curiosity, mindfulness practice can help you achieve meaning and happiness. There are good books and good instructors who can help.
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The only way to survive, especially in old age, is to adapt. I saw my father, who was once a physically active person, rendered disabled by a brain infection at 75. He had wonderful care (me!) and despite a great deal of pain and suffering, managed to accept whatever occurred with grace and humor. He had a reason to live because he was deeply loved.
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Not everyone is so fortunate as to be deeply loved, especially if they become disabled. Families sometimes flee when illness strikes. We need to recognize that for those people, life may have no meaning.
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kr, your father was so fortunate to have you
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At 70, I am well into my second “retirement career” in Acupuncture and Chinese Medicine. I had little time to pursue my interest in philosophy and music when I worked for 30 years as a busy physician. Now I use the healing art as my practice. Also music lessons and interaction with my younger musician friends add joy in life.
I had a “story” that taking care of elderly patients would be depressing as my previous career was in pediatrics. Most of my patients now are “older” or “much older” and I delight in getting their perspective on life. I learn from them about meaning of life. My first elderly patient Helen taught me “Be humbly grateful instead of grumbly hateful.” I find that this formula though sounding trite truly applies to all aspects of my life. I am humbly grateful that my work helps others and their feedback enriches me. I have amassed tools of adaptive behaviors that I can utilize as I learn from my patients -even ones in hospice care have given me perspective on how I might face that stage in my life with courage.
I look for the gems hidden underneath the rubble of the aging process and I see pearls of wisdom that enrich my life. Every day is a new discovery.
So my dear aging friends, be curious and keep learning new ways of responding to challenges - that IS the art of life.
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i am older, and agree with all the things written in this article, there is one point that wasn't made. for all these folks who share their wisdom, there is little evidence that they felt or knew these things in their youth, it was wisdom born of experience. There are few things that people are taught, but many that they learn. For most of those not old enough to have reached "old age" yet, these are lessons that they will learn, just as we did. perhaps discussions like this can speed the process, but....
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Yes, you must adapt to your limitations or you will inevitably be miserable and make others miserable too. But I wouldn't conflate that with happiness. I see very clearly at 70 that I will never accomplish anything again that others see of significant value. I cannot but grieve for the loss of my creativity and originality in research and writing, and I hate facing winter now that I can no longer Nordic ski or Alpine ski race. I miss my motorcycles and most of all miss my love affairs with intelligent, vibrant women. Sitting amongst a group of "successfully ageing seniors" fills with about the same amount of enthusiasm as watching paint dry. Each day I'm stiffer and notice new pains and limitations, my eyes are dimming and half my hearing range is gone for good; I know things will inevitably get worse despite attempts at vigorous exercise and prudent dietary and sleep habits. I'm OK, but scarcely filled with enthusiasm for the ageing process. About all I can say in its favour is I'm now pretty accepting of death. Being relieved of striving is pretty much equivalent to being relieved of purpose, hard to avoid as physical and mental limitations crowd in and the future is clear: there isn't one, at least not for me. Placid acceptance is the only hand left to play.
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Please reply to the earlier comment of "Sr. American".
I am in mid fifties and my boyfriend close to 70, for us it is simply time for love... the bulk of his career is behind him, I am in autopilot at work.... my focus is on harmony, domestic bliss and then again love and for that one is never too young or too old!
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Cephalus, I can understand why you can no longer do Alpine skiing or riding motorcycles. But why do you feel you have lost your creativity, and why can you no longer do research? Find some new interests. Begin raising bonsai trees, learn to paint watercolors, make a list of books and read them. Get on the internet and make some new friends. Become a tea connoisseur.
Placid acceptance is not the only hand left to play.
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I am of an age with Jane Brody; like Jane, I am grateful to be fit and to enjoy physical activity, but the work for peace and justice that has given meaning to my entire adult life was drastically undrmined in November 2016. Yes, I continue the work, but 'happiness' is not in the cards.
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Practice acceptance and you will be much more at peace.
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Nicely put Coby. I've learned that acceptance is not fighting things, which only hurts me. I see friends constantly complain, be angry at the present situation. SMH. Life is too short for that stress.
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Just make you sure vote and maybe register some others in time for November!
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Both of my parents died less than five months ago. Dad died two months after Mom died. They were both 85. We tried hard to help them find meaning in the last years of their lives. No one can find meaning for someone else, but we had to try. They were both suffering as the limits of their lives got more and more tight. I could write volumes but the core of it would be that we need to look after our issues when we can. The chickens always come home to rest. If a younger person is unable to have the optimistic, creative perspective that this article speaks of, it will be difficult for that person to develop it when they are aged.
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Exactly right. My friend is in the nursing home unable to care for herself because in her younger years, she chose not to take care of herself; laughed even, at the suggestion she exercise more and eat healthier foods. Was in and out of the emergency room after falling, and in rehab, got strong enough to go home, but once home, chose to go back to her sedentary ways. Now she wants to get out of the nursing home, but is beyond the point of return. We all tried to get her to see the light, but we could not do the work for her.
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T. Goodridge - I guess you take comfort in knowing that since you (apparently) are following the healthy habits that your friend neglected, you will be spared her fate. Unfortunately, it doesn't necessarily work that way. Even the "virtuous" get old and sick and die.
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Where in my comment did I say I would be spared her fate? I'm well aware we all will die. It just makes more sense to me, should I end up with a similar fate, that I will at least will be able to say I did everything in my power to avoid it and will have no regrets. Is that being virtuous?
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In my 92nd year I motivate myself each morning I wake up, get up, smile and jokingly say, "Get up and work what works' With my cervical stenosis, arthritic knee, poor hearing and eyesight and other age related deficiets, after breakfast to the senior center to line dance.. So I'm not as good as the 70 and 80 year old....but I have fun. I have been where they are BUT they have not been where I am. Yes, at time I lament loses of my yesteryears but 'it is what it is'...Deny myself nothing, don't bargain hunt, use my credit card freely for things, some I never can afford... But we go ound one time "and this is no dress rehearsal" Do the best with whatever you have left... AND DON'T FORGET TO SMILE
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Congratulations on 92, and, great attitude!! Wish you could get together with Cephalus who commented here, I bet you could inspire.
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Wish you lived near me - am trying to find a line dance group...
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Beautifully said, Sr. America! I'm only a few years behind you and you've inspired me.
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For years I have read Ms Brody's articles and sound advice on health and well being. Timely topics, clear writing, and evidence-based research earn my Pulitzer prize for her. I have one regret that seems to appear in her latest article, that she no longer plays tennis. Some tennis rather than no tennis is worthwhile. At 82 years of age and after two total knee replacements, I still play. Granted it is doubles and, granted, I don't want to view the video, yet every once and awhile a good shot occurs.
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When your whole identity/ ego is wrapped up in your body, then old age can be difficult. We are not our bodies. The soul, spirit are ageless and eternal. The death of the body, does not mean the death of that person's conscious awareness of self and being. My experience is that when this lesson is learned early in life - the earlier the better - the person's whole life flows more smoothly with less pain and suffering. Remember pain and suffering can be emotional and mental as well as physical. When you think that the body is all there is and you get something like age-related macular degeneration and can't do the things you used to do like drive, read, play sports and engage in other hobbies, then depression and desperation set in. Life looses all meaning and the physical body deteriorates more quickly. Many people are old before their time or engage in self- destructive behavior.
Once I learned this lesson at a young age, then I was able to face all of life's challenges with grace and joy. My body will get old but I won't.
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We are our bodies too no matter what our age. The body/mind/soul connection is invaluable and must be kept vital no matter the disability or loss of functions. It is the ego's view of the body that leads to suffering as one ages...the belief that once aging sets in the body is nothing more than a container for the mind and no longer has a purpose. If you continue to love and respect and listen carefully to your body no matter the aging-related decline it has endured, then a wonderful spiritual connection arises and integrates the two and more doors and possibilities will open your mind and your world.
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That is great except for being entirely mythological.
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Most of us were never obsessed with our bodies - our ego was not wrapped up in that at all. But when ones body betrays one, one does become obsessed with that loss as it changes everything in ones life.
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I have the great pleasure and honor of leading memoir writing workshops with older adults. This happened somewhat by accident; I never set out to work with people in their late 60s, 70s, and 80s. It has been a wonderful learning experience for me. Not only are their stories full of forgotten historical detail; they show us the universality of human experiences such as romantic love, adolescent angst, and striving to succeed.
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As an older-retired person I have time on my hands. Time that I have chosen to persue new life experiences.
Going to university and taking non-credit courses in literature and presently art history.
Old age may give us aches and pains, but it gives us precious time also.
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This is what I plan to do when I am able to retire one day.
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Because of aging, I have the benefit of insight that can only be sculpted through experience. Because of aging, I understand perseverance and appreciate that "muddling through" is often the answer. Because of aging, I have come to know and can celebrate my internal, truest self. The great gift of a long life is self knowledge -- and, to paraphrase, after a lifetime of exploring we are rewarded by getting to know that place called "me", perhaps for the very first time.
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Me too. It's a joy knowing you have found this as well. Thanks for posting ~
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Almost my favorite TS Eliot line. Beautiful - thanks for reminding me.
And since this is an article finding positives about aging, may I remind us that many of us still carry in our heads the poems or bits of poetry we learned as children in school - enjoyable material to recollect and re-read and not requiring more than our own quiet reflection.
(And there is wonderful google for when you can't quite remember the author or if you got that last line quite right!)
The line BarsWire paraphrased, if I may, is
"We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time"
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People are much happier in later life if they have given to others and not just thought about themselves. Also, if they retired at a healthy age so that volunteerism and activities they enjoyed in younger years can be extended or revisited. Americans are too invested to things, money, consumerism; too bad for them.
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You can retire at an early age if you have the financial means to do so. That said, volunteerism help not just others, it helps the volunteer too. But I am still working at age 66. Hopefully I will be healthy enough to increase my volunteerism when I finally stop the daily work routine--trying to hold on until age 70 but we'll see how that goes.
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