Harassment and Tipping in Restaurants: Your Stories

I think tipping is bogus and a way to underpay a waitstaff in hopes that customers will pay to bridge costs. I have been approached by waitstaff when we didn’t tip “enough”. I think it’s not right to expect customers to tip or to give customers poor service in anticipation that they will tip less because of the wait staffs preconceived bias. Discrimination and harassment happens both ways. In London a 10% service charge is the norm. That should be the case here. Also tipping delivery drivers when there’s an additional delivery charge. Tipping is stupid get rid of it.

You know there are many places in Europe where you don't tip--it's built into the cost of the meal, like the VAT. And I've never had had bad service, in fact the service is much more professional. I'd like to hear from others what people think about the concept and why certain interested parties are opposed to it.

I once worked as a hostess in a very popular lunch restaurant in Hawaii. I had a deal with a couple of the older, experienced waitresses. If I sat the Canadians, Brits and Aussies NOT in their sections they'd tip me out very well at the end of their shift.

I have always tipped twenty percent or more and respected social norms and boundaries. I am also the type that will react forcefully if I see someone being abused be it a child or a wait staff member. No one should have to tolerate abusive behavior for any reason....

I reject the notion that servers are equal to customers, as expressed by Mr Bernal of Santa Fe, they aren't above or below diners either. A server's job is to take food/beverage orders, answer questions, serve meals and provide the bill. There is no personal relationship between a customer and a server. It is not a server's job to say "My name is Biff and I'll be your server today," to tell me that this isn't his or her real job, to try to interview me, to horn in on the table's conversation, to walk by the table every few minutes and give his/her running assessment of how a date is progressing and other annoying behavior. Just do your job and stop acting as though you are in an SNL skit.

All of these tips on how to serve people. it's not rocket science. The golden rule probably says it all. I wish tips were a thing of the past, but it isn't happening.

I have lived in several countries where tipping does not occur. In America a tip subsidizes the owner giving a sub-living wage. I feel a bit put off with tipping and would much prefer to pay a higher price and see wait staff get a living wage. It is a guilt trip put on customers and I have come to like my cooking more than what I receive in the vast majority of restaurants.

I never worked as a waiter, but I did deliver pizza in college. People can be outrageously cheap. If I got $0.50 that was a good run. Maybe I'd get $1.00 if it was multiple pizzas. Granted, this was in the 1980's, but that was still essentially nothing. And it took me a while to figure out what the experienced drivers were doing. They knew the addresses, neighborhoods, or apartment complexes that tipped well, and which didn't. We were supposed to put our turn marker in the queue in the order we returned from a run. But the experienced drivers would glance at the addresses on the boxes, figure out where they were in the queue, and suddenly have to take a bathroom break if they were slated to go to a non-tipping address. They would then put themselves back in the queue when an address that tipped well showed up.

I have never hit on a waitress, ever. But plenty of waitresses have cozied up to me and still do. I know the game. I know the false flirtation. And i respond as if flattered and usually with a compliment. I fully realize that I am being played for a tip. And I am usually generous within normal bounds without overtipping. Now, ultimately i am the one paying. So. Is my suseptibilty for flattery being exploited by someone who is putting on an act for my benefit ? Maybe. But I don’t. I know the rules. The system works for both of us.

Diners: * When dining alone you are probably halving the potential tip that would be expected from a two-top. Compensate! * If you have some kind of discount, tip on the non-discounted amount. * The waiter is someone's son or daughter, working hard. How much would you tip your own kid? You can complain about the system of tipping, but the waiter cannot change it. Waiters: * Don't introduce yourself (I'm Chad, I'll be your waiter), but I think that has gone out of fashion. Sometimes I would start introducing the dining party (These are Sarah and Dave, they'll be your diners, ...). * Don't disappear and don't hover. Be efficient and invisible. Restaurants: * Don't use a tablet with preselected tip amounts. I can do the math in my head. Others can use the app in their phones. * Don't overwork the waiters with more tables than they can cover. * Keep the waiters informed when a dish has sold out, or a wine is no longer available. No need to shuttle back and forth. Just common sense.

I wanted to work as a waitress during college, like my other classmates. My father wouldn't let me. After college, I wanted to work as a waitress, my father put his foot down, so I left his house for good. Fifty years later, I know why.

The most important thing is a manager that backs their servers. There are too many managers who will kowtow to any customer no matter what they do. Kick people out if you have to and tell them never to come back. Customers like that are NOT worth having in your establishment.

Only 2 countries tip as a general requirement after being served. Canada and USA perpetrate a class system by continuing to expect more from people than what they are paid an hourly wage to do. Tipping thereby creates imbalance and inequality between servers and customers (and their interrelated differences). These differences are based gender, race, religion, par capita income and even the clothes we wear or how we feel any given moment when require the services (or tips) of others. Tipping as a general rule is a singularly naive and very North American one. I don’t tip the bus driver, the street cleaner or McDonalds; someone who pressed a button for coffee or carried a plate 20ft doesn’t deserve an outside equation for effort either.

Two extremes: Try being a woman dining alone. You practically need a flag to get the attention of servers! They just ignore and never come back. I guess they assume that they won't get a good tip or know that one person isn't going to tip as well as a party of 3 or 4. I leave 2 cents for servers who refuse to ever check in on me. Other extreme: servers who keep coming back, constantly interrupting to the point that it is difficult to have an intimate evening of just a few friends having dinner. A well trained server knows to discreetly pour water and bring fresh bread without interrupting. And what about removing plates of diners before everyone at the table is finished?! Gauche!

When will people stop using the term "grow a thick skin"? If you do not want to be harassed or spoken to poorly or treated poorly, it does not mean you are thin-skinned. Stop giving this advice. If someone wants to be treated properly and they speak up about it it's not because of the thickness of their skin. Seriously, this is an annoying thing that people put on other people.

Two additional humiliations: having to flirt with cooks otherwise they give you ugly food or mess up orders (and you loose tips); and "wives" returning to the tables to take some or all of their husband's cash tip. Understanding what might be the motivations for the latter made it all the more painful. My advice: make enough money to finish school and lobby for change to the restaurant industry!

I've never liked tipping. I feel that its discriminatory and tips are only high provided the people who you're serving think you're pretty or deserving of a good tip. How about restaurant raise their prices by 15% and pay their employees a dependable wage.

I was a waiter at a hotel restaurant. One night a customer grabbed a waitress's posterior. She promptly poured hot coffee on him. Best part was that our manager totally supported the waitress. The customer complained, but our manager told him he put his hand someplace it didn't belong, so he had no right to complain. My own observation at that time was that the waitresses who didn't flirt, but treated their customers with courtesy and professionalism, got better tips than the ones who batted their eyelashes at the guys.

the most alarming comments are the first stories, when waitresses admit to allowing harassment for money. Get a different job. Cut back on expenses. Nothing is worth that treatment, stop putting a price on your respect.

As with many stories in this publication, this article is built on interviews with a very very few people relative to the total number of servers out there. If you're waiting tables at a high-end restaurant, and getting $100 tips from several tables a night, you're not starving, and as for the abuse, I'm sure it exists, but the article didn't put the issue in context. Because the "tip" is perceived in this country as an extra, we have many people who see it as an opportunity to save a few bucks, especially if they're not going to be in a particular restaurant again. This is why the built-in service charge used in Europe and elsewhere is a better solution. Personally, I view the tip as a charge for service separate from the charge for food. This means I expect the cost of the meal to cover the cost of the food and everyone in the kitchen. Service I pay for with the "tip", and rarely is it less than 20%. But the other side of this is that if I'm ignored, if the order is screwed up, I will absolutely pay less, because the server isn't doing their job. It's unfortunate that I don't have that option if the food is bad, but that's not the fault of the server, and they shouldn't be penalized for it.

Long overdue that we end "tipping." Charge whatever it costs in order to pay your staff a living wage. It's not rocket science.

This isn't about harassment, but I felt terrible when a friend took me out to lunch the other day and told me, after we had exited the restaurant, "I didn't leave a tip. It's a buffet!" It was a really NICE buffet and we had pleasant and professional service. I was horrified.

I once served an obvious first date. The man was doing his best to impress, ordering for the woman and treating me in a dismissive way. When he paid the check he told me to keep the change as I picked it up from the table. I went to close out the check. He was leaving me the change from a one hundred dollar bill for a $94 tab. I would routinely return these to the table in case a calculating mistake had been made and give the client a chance to redo the math. But as I prepared to do so, I realized he had paid me with two, brand new, one hundred dollar bills stuck perfectly together. He didn’t strike me as a guy who intended to leave a 100% tip so I wedged the extra hundred into his meager tip, returned it to him and watched him from a distance. He startled just a bit as he counted through his change and I watched him sneakily tuck the hundred back into his wallet, leaving his original bad tip in place and walking out the door thinking I had accidentally given him back his one hundred dollar bill. I followed him outside and asked him if I had given him too much change. He took out his wallet, acted surprised there was a hundred in there and handed it to me.

I'm very upset with the recent trend for regular across the counter serving businesses to use iPads at the check out, with an App which adds a range of several unsolicited several different (and large) Tipping options to the customer when presenting the total sale. First there isn't enough service provided to justify any level of tipping. Second the unspoken face to face transaction is designed to pressure the customer via embarrassment. Third the business owner should be paying his servers a living wage without tips. Fourth they won't change back unless a good number of customers contact them to let them know that they will cross the business off their preferred establishment list.

My aunt, who lived in a different state, died one year ago leaving me a not small fortune. I know that though she ate out regularly she was hideously miserly with her tipping or didn't tip at all. I feel like I have a lifetime of tipping to make up for and thus any decent sever will get a 30 percent tip from me ( even pretty bad service will rate 20%). And several times a year for outstanding service I leave 50%. Serving is a difficult job and I'm sorry for all those servers she stiffed. At least she didn't harass anyone.

In Eastern Oregon, you may fare a lot worse than a drink poured over your head if you get out of line in a local restaurant.

I’d like to think that we have progressed as a society since Gloria Steinham’s exposé on the Playboy mansion and life as one of Hugh Hefner’s bunnies. And perhaps we have in some respects, but the regression line looks awfully long and flat.

It bothers me that such a serious subject ends with the margarita story. Yes, it is a funny story but it also serves to minimize the entire column and subject.

I worked as a server for a year. Fortunately, I was never sexually harassed by any customers. Occasionally, I was harassed, but not sexually harassed. By customers. It’s a different story if you’re talking about the kitchen staff.

I have great respect for the profession and typically give 20% because its tough work and I know that a portion of the tip is distributed to others. I have witnessed customers act like jerks, make lewd, and sometimes racist, comments but in general this behavior has greatly decreased over time. While I think the profession is honorable, it would not be one I ever considered because of its considerable physical and emotional demands.

"Lewd comments. Groping. Requests for dates and propositions for sex. We talked to more than 60 restaurant servers about their experiences with sexual harassment ...." This is what I find annoying about the overuse of the word "harassment." The NYT begs the question by including "requests for dates" as harassment. The other items in the list clearly are harassing, but asking for a number? If you chatted with someone on the bus or on a bench or at a club, and asked for a number, would all these instances be harassment? The answer is that it depends: no when done respectfully, and yes when done aggressively and persistently. The problem is that if everything is harassment, then nothing is harassment; if everything is assault, then nothing is assault. The very language is drained of its power--a form of linguistic harassment. And the media, it seems to me, are the worst offenders. My opinion is that the article would have done better to focus on annoying and harassing behavior, and to make an attempt to define the two.

“We were struck by the sheer number of readers who had their own harrowing stories of mistreatment...” Harrowing? Seriously? Roughly 99% of what I read here is inappropriate or unwelcome flirting. Harrowing? C’mon. My first server job included getting my hair cut in the restaurant basement by the chef when he thought my hair was too long. That could be mildly harrowing if he was in a bad mood, lol. But it paid for college!

What really gets me is seeing old men hit on young women servers in restaurants and bars, making lewd comments and complimenting on looks, legs etc. They seem to think that the servers enjoy their attention, when they actually are disgusted by them, which I know from experience. I think that older men are worse offenders than young men, who may have more sensitivity?

I worked in that business for over ten years. There is a line. I never ran into a waitress or any female on the wait staff in my career that could not handle showing drunk customers where that line was. If the customer then decides to keep pushing, there has to be back up to support her. They are called “bouncers” and in NJ clubs and bars etc. they “persuade” the non-conformers to leave immediately. Touching a waitress would have been a serious mistake in any bar or club or restaurant I ever worked in. Not even great tippers or VIPs would insult the owner or establishment like that and be able to return. If you are working for someone who tolerates assault, GET OUT.

The breadth of the stories I read in The New York Times, including this one, is breathtaking. I do not know if this direction is because of your new, young publisher or if we just happen to be in a time of incredible stories. I read stories about our government imploding and stories about the relationship between sexual harassment and tipping. Stories about how social media sells data and how Wall Street responds to those sales. Amazing. At my age, I am not sure how much of this my body can tolerate, but it sure adds excitement to my days.

When the food is great, the service is what makes or breaks the meal. When the server comes over, smiles and says "Good evening, welcome to XYZ restaurant, my name is such and such and I will be your server tonight", I can't help but smile back and say "Nice to meet you", and the evening usually goes very well. However, when the server comes and the first thing coming of his/her mouth is "What do you want to order?" or "Are you ready to order?", I already know that it's not going to be a good experience so I set the expectations low and just let it go, however, I will never come back to such restaurant again.

I've been working in restaurants since before college - and continue to do so. Harassment comes from all ends. I am not someone who is constantly smiling and my job is not to be entrainment for the guest. My job is to make the guest feel comfortable, be knowledgable about the food and drink, be able to answer questions and ensure that the guest is satisfied to what is appropriate. I do not laugh at jokes that make me feel uncomfortable just to satisfy guests. I don't flirt. Thats not my job. When someone touches at me, I tell them not to touch me. With this being said - this has gotten me in trouble. People expect me to be bubbly and flirty because I am a young and very attractive woman. Guests get angry when I don't flirt and complain that I wasn't friendly because I didn't laugh at their inappropriate joke or because I didn't flirt back. Luckily enough I work somewhere that knows that is not my job and backs me up 100%. I was fired from a restaurant job before this because I didn't smile enough. And at this same job was even sat down by different managers telling me I needed to flirt more with guests and be more like another server who was constantly touching and flirting with guests. Some managers and owners back up harassment and even encourage it to ensure the guests are happy and do not protect their staff.

If the bartender is late making drinks, if the entree order is mixed up, if the patrons just don't like the food, or the table, or the noise level, it's often reflected in the tip. None of these things are under the control of the server. Yet, instead of complaining to the manager, people take it out on the server. This is why those of us who once waited tables are always good tippers. Unless a server is rude, I ALWAYS tip well. Even if they are incompetent — we encounter incompetent workers everyday, but we don't have the power to deny them their pay because of it.

I worked my way through college by waitressing, so I am acutely aware of what servers go through, but I must also point out the dozens of times, when dining in a restaurant with another woman/women, that the server (usually male) treats me in a less than professional manner because they assume women are poor tippers. I specifically remember an experience several years ago at the Ginger Man, near Lincoln Center, where the (male) server told us the specials of the day while his mouth was full of food.His service deteriorated throughout the meal; in the end, we made the decision not to tip him at all. He actually followed us out of the restaurant to demand to know why we had not tipped him. We gave him a list of all the reasons, ending with the observation that as former waitresses, we were really embarrassed by his poor skills.

My second job was hostess at Denny's in Miami, in the mid 70s. I was 16 and allowed to work swing and night shifts on the weekend. One evening, a man at least 10 years my senior kept hitting on me every time I walked by his place at the counter. I was supposed to be friendly, so I was, up until the point he grabbed my wrist, and said he wouldn't let go until I agreed to go out with him. I kept my smile, picked up his glass of ice water, and held it over his lap...he got the message real quick.

Tipping is an outdated pay model, just like paying anyone a minimum ( or below ) wage and having the state ( you the taxpayer ) subsidize that work through social payments, or even food stamps. Pay a living wage ( $22hr minimum ) for any job, no matter what or where it is. That is cost of a society that takes care of ALL of its citizens. There will be many that will howl that everyone will be going out of business and there will be $50 hamburgers. The answer to them is that is also the cost of a supposedly free market and capitalism, which is how the system is supposed to work > not like it is now where all at the bottom grovel and put up with inappropriate behavior for tips and to survive, while those at the top pay little or no tax for the infrastructure of a just society. Your choice.

Things I've learned and would like to share on tipping: Consider "chair rent" when tipping - If you sit for a couple of hours chatting after eating, your tip should reflect some compensation to the server for the tips they could have made from customers who weren't able to use your table. Tip big on bargain/coupon meals. The server does the same amount of work whether it's a corporate initiated price cut or not. On those meals, often a 50-100% tip may not be overly generous. In no way am I suggesting anyone should tip for terrible service but if the owner doesn't hire enough staff and servers are run off their feet, don't take it out on the server.

I'd like to buy Kelly Anderson a daiquiri. Her story illustrates how important it is that to say 'No means no' forcefully. Twenty years later it is remembered and I'm sure many women at that establishment have benefitted. It is too bad that servers, like so many people these days, have no union. Not all unions are helpful, but some are, and they give some power back to the powerless by enabling concerted action.

I was a server at a national chain, Victoria Station, 1979-81. One of the most troubling things was how management did not stick up for employees. One time a customer didn't like the doneness of his steak, he picked it up off the plate and through it at my fellow waiter. The waiter reported it to the manager who proceeded to to apologize to the customer and comp his meal. The entire staff felt let down but that was the environment the managers lived in. Abusive customers were always "right". Complain too much and you lost shifts or your job. Customers were, like most of the population, good and bad. I had one guy who came in every Wed., had dinner with his wife, abused our cocktail waitress, always sent something back, and then left a paltry tip, usually a dollar and change on a $40 tab. We finally had enough one night when a cocktail waitress came crying to me about him. I picked up a bowl of soup from the kitchen, waited until it was room temperature and then while talking with an adjacent table deftly poured it in his lap. He usually behaved after that. I didn't pay for any drinks after work that night.

Just pay the waiters the right price and forget tipping.

It is not just the clientele. Other restaurant staff members and management are just as demeaning and at times won't take no for an answer. Then after you turn them down or fight back, the real harassment begins from within. A server often has to deal with it at both ends or sides of the table. Just one step above being a stripper. Actually I think strippers get more protections.