Thanks so much for sharing this. So glad to hear you were able to break out of your mental prison.
16
Aye yai yai. It should be so easy.
10
I noted milder tendencies in myself towards useless ritual, but started years ago to just do the opposite: For example, sometimes I'd see a jar of nuts and think "I should grab a certain one for luck" and then very directly never grab that nut. This practice keeps the compulsions to very rare and faint whispers.
6
This sounds more like superstition than ocd to me, like Silver Lining Playbook. Though OCD is a heavily superstitious illness. I struggled with superstitions in middle school all the way into my twenties. I had mystical thinking, looking for signs. I think some humans are more prone to it. I’m a Christian, but some Christians are too out their for me. I find comfort in logic now. And there’s nothing remotely logical about OCD. My husband has it.
3
I loved this story and his humor because I related to it a lot. To comment on some people's criticism that his condition was too quickly "cured," I would like to offer my thoughts. It seems his OCD was a manifestation of him trying to manage social acceptance, creating magical spells that would protect him from rejection. It's not surprising to me, then, that when he finally was vulnerable enough to let people see what he felt was a very shameful truth about himself, and was accepted, the compulsions were no longer needed...
10
Thank you for your warmth, your humor, your honesty and your kinship.
8
I am delighted that the author was able to cure his OCD by coming clean to all his friends and family. In my experience it has not been that easy. I have had OCD for 45 years. But it only troubles me every few months. I am on an old-school medication - clomipramine - and I consistently go to therapy. It was the most acute when my hormones where going up or down: menarche, ovulation, pregnancy, post partum, and menopause. Things are pretty mellow now at 58. If you are not as lucky as the author to have a complete remission, know that help is still available!
17
Many of the commentors have repeated the belief that the underlying physiological causes or processes behind OCD symptoms are unknown. Elsewhere, I have seen that doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, and websites and organizations repeat this belief. The acceptance and reinforcement of the idea that no one knows about the physiological processes behind OCD beliefs and behavior creates a self fulfilling prophecy. If you and everyone you know to be concerned with the physiological underpinnings of OCD believe that those underpinnings are unknown (and largely unknowable), no one in your community will go searching for the people outside your community who may have some insight into the disease process.
I faced a similar situation when my partner was suffering from what was misdiagnosed as rapid cycling bipolar I with psychosis. As with OCD, the prognosis for that condition involves little or no knowledge of the physiological processes behind it, no cure, and a lifetime of poorly understood drugs that perform poorly in many instances, coupled with psychological therapies.
I got curious, however, about what was known about the physiology of the brain and body when stricken with the psychiatric symptoms from which she suffered. I discovered that ALL of the major anxiety and mood related psychiatric diagnoses involve brain inflammation driven by chronic activation of the brain's immune system.
Are you curious? Start here:
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/318036.php
11
Since our son has OCD, and since other people in our families are probably undiagnosed, and since we know a number of other folks who experience it, my wife and I can tell you that this while this writer's "cure," while wonderful if it actually occurred as described, is emphatically not typical of most folks who have the illness. OCD, an anxiety disorder, is a chameleon. When defeated in one part of a person's life, it tends to transmogrify, transferring the apprehensive obsessions and ritual compulsions to other parts of life or manifesting in new forms that may have nothing to do with the original symptoms. It may vary enormously in intensity and even go into remission for brief or extended periods of time only to reemerge even more powerfully, especially when a victim is experiencing stress. You'll notice that the author of this piece claims not to have had a single compulsion since he developed the rather obsessive compulsion of telling everyone he knows about his OCD. What he doesn't say is that he hasn't has a single obsession since this monumental change. I have little doubt that he still suffers from an anxiety disorder, and that he will need to continue dealing with it. It is a lifelong battle for most sufferers.
38
Agreed. I had the same feeling when reading David Sedaris's short story about beating OCD when he took up smoking. What worked for me was 6 months of intensive Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which also taught me the tools to cope with anxiety going forward- scripts to say to myself when I had the urge to do a compulsion. It's never 100% gone but it doesn't rule my life anymore. I wish I had had some magic bullet like this guy.
15
Thank you for sharing your story
7
As psychologists, we at GoVa Hawaii’s Counseling Center feel that there is tremendous merit to this authors focus on overcoming OCD. We work to be the best therapist we can be in Honolulu and help people identify the roots of where their anxiety symptoms come from and have found that with Counseling people can discover the roots of where they’re anxious symptoms stem from and develop the empowerment to overcome them forever. We at GoVa Hawaii’s Counseling Center believe that each person deserves the best therapy and help to take back control of their lives in a way that increases their sense of freedom and resilience to stressors that’s may have controlled them in the past. At GoVa Hawaii’s Counseling Center we hope to provide the best therapists on the island and work as psychologist to unravel and resolve deep set issues that can otherwise control and damage someone’s sense of well-being and happiness.
2
This article is inspiring, tragic, sad funny - I simply adore the strength of the writer to lay it all out there. That’s courage. The things that we hide from everyone else are truly the things that keep us captive. Bravo to this person for being brave enough disclose his rituals and reasons.
9
OCD is a common mental disorder that can range in severity over time and may go from disabling to sub-clinical in some people spontaneously. It may also go from sub-clinical to disabling. We don't know why this happens. Sometimes people will assume it was because they did something but that assumption probably represents a logical fallacy (Post hoc ergo propter hoc). Most people who have OCD will get significant benefit from evidenced based treatment including CBT and selected medications. Very few will get to the point where they have no symptoms. A significant number of people with OCD think they have no compulsions, a presentation called Pure O. What they don't recognize is that they are engaging in mental activity that either is itself a compulsion or is the equivalent of a compulsion in terms of it's function.
13
SO well-written!! And I'm sure we're all double or triple happy at that last line.
Congrats!
11
Geez ... evidently not! I just finished reading the other comments.
Accusing the author of somehow trivializing the disorder. Asserting (I loved this one) he's merely replacing his original set of compulsions with compulsive "oversharing." Suggesting that only the (same old) cognitive-behavioral therapy or SSRI-use are legit therapies ...
My goodness, what a lack of generosity and humility!
So ... from me, double congrats!
15
Hello,
I agree that we should be congratulating him for his working through OCD, I would like to point out that OCD manifests in many forms. One such manifestation is what is called "Have to Tell" whereby someone feels compelled to tell people things. This can be quite a variety of things. For example, one might have to tell people the absolute truth always for fear that something bad will happen. Or, one might have to tell people all the ritualistic things they used to do in order to keep their friends.
I am not saying the author deals with Have To Tell symptoms, but as someone who has dealt with an unconventional form of OCD, I can tell you it raises some red flags.
6
Sure would be nice if the public could finally get an exemplar of OCD who doesn't exhibit bizarre rituals; Pure O sufferers go lifetimes without diagnosis because unless you wash your hands or overorganize it simply doesn't seem like OCD to your general member of the public.
Another thing that would be nice: realizing that a title like this is a cruel and extreme over-promise. Almost nobody ever enjoys a complete disappearance of intrusive thoughts or compulsions. Almost nobody ever.
16
The author's miracle cure for OCD sounds very suspect. OCD usually doesn't go away because you tell your friends you have the 'disease'. His next step will be appearing on 'Ted Talks'. Then the OCD Cure Book, etc, etc.
11
And you have a sense of humor. The best medicine.
http://www.thecriticalmom.blogspot.com
5
Thank you for a generous explanation of your personal struggle. And for showing that mental health doesn't always come from a pill. I suspect this is news to most readers.
2
If this man had true clinical OCD, then his little confessions would not have had a prayer of defeating this debilitating illness. Were it that easy to rid one's self of such an adversary, OCD would no longer exist. This essay provides false hope to desperate sufferers. It's flip, trendy, and useless.
28
This article has the ring of a 1 hr tv mystery that wraps up all the loose ends in the last 60 seconds. Glad it worked for the author, but in real life and the rest of us, it is not that easy.
29
Rich, freedom is great, isn't it.
2
Fascinating. Thank you for sharing your story, Mr. Monahan. So glad that as you opened up about it, the OCD dissipated.
The importance of owning and sharing our mental health experiences with a trusted therapist cannot be overestimated.
5
Thank you, Rich, for sharing your story. I totally enjoyed reading this.
5
The magical thinking, the belief that his rituals would keep friends around, that Mr. Monohan describes is not inconsistent with the diagnosis of OCD. His recovery is atypical but why not? Psychiatric disorders TEND to follow certain courses but as with any medical disorder, there are exceptions galore. Just because courses of illnesses do not follow usual paths doesn't mean the diagnosis was incorrect to begin with as some here seem to be suggesting. The man is telling his story. IMHO is should be viewed as encouraging not as a put down for people who have not been able to "kick it."
12
I have suffered with OCD since I was ten. Now I am 33. And I've been in treatment for nearly four years. The treatment has been intensive at times. I had to take six weeks off work to spend four hours a day at an OCD clinic at UCLA. Yes, as well-informed people have been saying in the comments, cognitive behavioral treatment with exposure response therapy and usually some form of SSRI medication are the only research-approved treatments for this wily disease.
Unfortunately this article makes it sound as though spilling your guts to your friends and family is a cure for OCD. However, that sounds an awful lot like reassurance-seeking, which is actually just another compulsion and can lead to worsening symptoms for most sufferers. That isn't to say one shouldn't share their struggle with mental illness. I firmly believe in sharing one's story to help other sufferers. But to suggest that sharing is the cure. No. This goes against everything I've learned from my UCLA-trained cognitive behavioral therapists, all of whom would caution against sharing or "confessing" one's obsessive thoughts.
I'm proud of the author for being brave enough to share his story with the world, but I'm also concerned he doesn't have the appropriate insight into the disease. Those of us who have gone through extensive treatment and have come out the other side need to clarify what OCD really is and how to really get help. I'd be happy to write a response to this article to straighten a few things out.
59
" I start therapy in earnest and begin to see that — although this might not be true for everyone — for me, all the power I give the rituals lies in shame."
He pinpointed the real cause as social anxiety/shame. Cognitive behavioral therapy can help, but there are some people that all the therapy and medication don't seem to help at all.
Note his insight in WHY it started: "t started in seventh grade, when two childhood friends aged out of hanging out with me. Already depressed and on the verge of friendlessness, I was desperate to preserve life as it had been."
Many people are triggered into OCD due to isolation, grief, or other trauma that increases anxiety beyond what was previously manageable. I'm glad he is in remission.
Maybe he's just switched to being OCD about sharing, or he just resolved the root cause of his OCD. This does not mean he cannot develop it again, but now he has better coping tools, a network, and hopefully if he is triggered again he will be able to admit it and get help faster.
He doesn't say it was the answer for everyone nor that he snapped out of it. From what he says, he suffered with it nearly 20 years (from age 14 onwards) before getting therapy and coming to a realization he had to confront his worst rejection fears.
Rumination is a very unhealthy and tedious form of OCD as it's a verbal stuck needle, but it does not seem to have been a major issue for him (he was doing improv comedy!), so this was a workable approach.
8
A response from a person like you who has had significant problems with this and who has worked intensively with professionals (‘recieved treatment’ would be too passive a description for an interactive process where the therapist works hard to tailor the therapy but the patient works hardest and most creatively - to make it succeed) would be a real service to the OCD community (2% of the population or two on every bus).
Come on NYT - please contact this person.
2
Thank you.
3
The 'concerned MD with OCD' is correct. For the vast majority of people, typical or traditional therapy that aims provide non-directive support or to achieve insight is useless in treating OCD. What does work in the vast majority of cases is a form of cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) emphasizing a method called exposure and ritual or response prevention (ERP).
9
Bravo. I too suffered from OCD - ruminations and fears that I would hurt my child. I, on the other hand, over shared with anyone and everyone in hopes that someone would have tips or words of wisdom that would cure me. I finally found exposure therapy and an end to that nightmare. Kudos to this author for baring his soul. Because yea, it sounds crazy unless you've been there.
10
" Kudos to this author for baring his soul.".why praise him for this? it seems that baring his soul is just his most recent compulsion.
2
My son has OCD since he was 13. His daily rituals have improved drastically since we treated him with antimicrobials. He has LYME and strep infections which traveled to his brain, causing his immune system to attack parts of his brain. Many mental illness are due to some sort of infections ... schizophrenia and bipolar are examples of this. For m son, he got diagnosed with PANDAS/Pans and improved with treatment. It is very possible the author of this article had the same.
7
Thank you for sharing that. My partner has neuro-Lyme disease and it caused extreme bipolar mania with psychosis. According to the many psychiatrists we visited, she had a choice between taking anti-psychotic drugs that caused terrible GI tract disruption and carried high risks of diabetes and organ failure in the long-term, or she could put up with rapid cycling (bi-monthly) mania and psychosis while neuroinflammation steadily damaged her brain.
Fortunately, we were able to prove the pill pushers wrong. I studied the underlying mechanisms of the disease and identified supplements and herbs to offset each of the inflammatory cytokines and hormone imbalances the infection was promoting. After three months of introducing those remedies one by one to make sure each was getting the expected response, all of her neurological and psychiatric symptoms, and almost all of her many bodily symptoms ended. On a couple of days, she missed a dose or had to substitute a less reliable source of a remedy and the corresponding symptoms reappeared, so we know the underlying disease process still exists. We are using natural immunotherapy and anti-microbial agents that can pass the blood brain barrier to rein in the infection without damaging her gut flora, as probiotics, probiotics, and a low sugar, high fiber are critical pieces of conquering the psychiatric symptoms.
The research I did indicates most psychiatric symptoms can be approached similarly although extreme damage may not heal.
1
You speak of pill pushers; they definitely exist. But so do herb-and-supplement-pushers, generally people who have just as garbled an idea of the origin and treatment of this condition. If it fails -why, attribute the failure to the severity of the ‘damage’.
Someone here talked about Type 1 or Insulin dependant Diabetes., a dood metaphor/example. Relying only Insulin without appropriate diet and exercise or on the other hand on diet and supplements without insulin (“medication”) and exercise (which improves the function of one’s own physiology as well as any medication, incidentally).
Exercise (and a healthy diet) is important for any human being and especially so for anyone with an illness of the brain or any other organ(its all physical!!)
2
The entire profession of psychiatry exists to push pills. They may require that patients see therapists in order to get meds from the psychiatrist, but they rarely bother with informing themselves about anything that is not promoted by a pharmaceutical company. And the pharmaceutical companies have no interest in acknowledging that the drugs they patent are often less effective than unpatented substances that address the drivers of inflammation and metabolic brain injury known to be a causative factor in most psychiatric conditions, including OCD.
For example, deficiencies of the amino acid serine are often a factor in auditory hallucinations associated with refractory schizophrenia. Clozapine often fails to control the symptoms it is meant to address, perhaps because it does nothing to address the serine deficiency causing the problem. There is no serine lobby, so no one is suggesting that people simply eat foods or supplements that contain serine and solve the problem without drugs that add their own risks and side effects. Instead, drug company sponsored researchers have determined that the food preservative sodium benzoate can stop the breakdown of serine, so they are adding it to their defective medication and, suddenly, their troublesome product works more often than it fails. My approach was to skip the drugs whenever possible (always, it turned out) and address the root causes of the physical conditions behind psychiatric symptoms. And it worked very well!
2
I saw a wise psychotherapist for anxiety when I was younger, and learned that my anxiety was separation anxiety because I was a twin and now we lived in opposite ends of the country. Knnowing WHY I felt anxious freed me of that anxiety.
One of the wisest things my therapist said to me, when I was indecisive through fear of something, like flying (fearing the worst, of course) was: "there are probabilities and possibilities , and the PROBABILITY is that nothing bad will happen. Take a chance."
That mantra, "take a chance," has served me well ever since. The compulsive person can "take a chance" by not doing a certain ritual, and, finding that nothing bad results, can build on that success to rid himself of his OCD.
The movie "What About Bob" illustrates this perfectly. Bob learned to take "baby steps" and gained confidence and eventually overcame his compulsive behavior.
12
My O.C.D. manifested when I was in middle school. It was mild, but certainly hindered my happiness and wellbeing. I would run through a nightly ritual of touching my doors and chairs in the right order, paying endless detail to the number of times I did something, if I did it incorrectly, if I broke a chain in my plans. During the day, I would have to make hand motions or touch the ground whenever I walked through doors or finished an activity.
I overcame these compulsions, but by a different process. I never told anyone of them, I think because I felt a sense of responsibility that if I was going to get through this problem, I had to be the one to do it. It felt very much my own, to an extreme degree.
Getting rid of my compulsions was an exercise in self-control, and it was a long process. But after coming out of it, I felt almost happy I had these symptoms, because I gained so much from the process of overcoming them. I feel my O.C.D. case, although mild, is another testament to the changeability of life, that potential to turn some hindrance into a stepping stone for something greater. That potential is always there, no matter the hurdle, and it’s something important to remember.
19
You hit the nail on the head. (My obsession was prime numbers) still is, but not nearly so much) do able, livable, but annoying. Thank you.
6
That last sentence gives me hope for my own issues.
Thank you, Rich Monahan, for having the courage to write this.
14
Best wishes to you.
3
"In sharing with friends and family the weirdest things about me, I expect humiliation, or at least some solid recoils in horror. Instead, they mull it over, ask a couple of questions, then tell me the weirdest things about themselves."
Sweet story, glad you have good friends (and a good therapist). I come from a family riddled with mental illness including chronic schizophrenia and bi-polar to personality disorders, anxiety and depression. OCD is in there too. Managing the conditions seems the correct attitude: these things are persistent, maybe even hard-wired. Most relatives, with lots of treatment, have endured to have as reasonable a life as anyone does. That is the best way to go.
10
Makes a good story, but I fear it is not generally that easy.
46
Thank you for sharing your story. More people need to and need to address the stigma that is associated with mental illnesses. I am happy that you for you in that you no longer have these compulsions. I have not been so fortunate. I am a 57 year old male and have been living with the OCD for the past 35 years. Therapy and medication have helped me immensely. I have a master's degree in counseling and do my best to help others. For others who suffer from this or any mental illness get help. If your doctor does not understand go to a different one. Do not feel ashamed. While no one wants to live the obsessive compulsions and ritualsI the good news is that they can be managed. I would also like to think that having OCD has made me a more compassionate and hopefully better person.
12
I'm happy for you and don't want to minimize your ordeal, but your OCD case is not typical. I feel it necessary to point this out to readers. Exposing your compulsions to others does not usually remove them. Many people with OCD struggle for life with triggers (I don't like the word obsessions) and compulsions despite all efforts at therapy. Therapy for OCD consists largely of exposure to a trigger with subsequent response (compulsion) prevention, which is known as cognitive behavioral therapy.
32
Maybe it's possible that he did ERP without knowing at the time that's what he was doing. If his main trigger was the possibility of social rejection, and he was deeply ashamed of the rituals, then telling everyone about them is maybe a form of ERP.
5
It's not particularly clear from the article, but acknowledging the problem is only the first step, and not in itself enough to 'cure' obsessive thoughts or OCD. It's a genetically determined misfire of brain chemistry, and no amount of will power or self knowledge can make it stop.
Fortunately, there are many treatment options. Talk therapy, exposure therapy, medication, and combinations of treatments do work!
https://iocdf.org/about-ocd/
17
Thank you for putting into words what so many struggle to come to terms with. I have thankfully avoided falling victim to OCD but I have felt it’s tendrils gripping me. Why didn’t they take hold? I honestly can’t say. I have been a drummer for 30 years and if anything is going to create a compulsive disorder it’s having to remember all the different parts of a drum kit when packing up after a gig. When we were done and I had packed my drums into the car I could not leave a venue without standing on the empty stage and scanning from left to right and back again. Sometimes I even outstretched my hand like some type of organic metal detector. Even now, when leaving a table in a cafe or restaurant I can’t leave without looking around every part of the table and chair. I am glad that OCD has not totally taken over like it did with you. On the plus side, during my ‘table scans’ over the years I have found phones and wallets that other people at my table would have left behind!
9
I'd say you are just careful. The fact that you have found things in the past by doing this, reinforced your regime. And since apparently one complete pass is enough for you, I don't think it could be considered an OCD ritual. For that you would have to go over and over the same locations, and if you missed a spot, you would have to start the process all over again.
I have had to return to my office several times over the years because I had forgotten to put my iPad in my bag. I wish I had a little of your organization!
1
Lol. Whenever I travel, I play out this ritual of checking and rechecking my hotel room and then checking again when my packed suitcase is outside the door that I have left nothing behind. In spite of that, I have discovered on more than one occasion that my iPad charger was left behind plugged in right under my nose. I think that this is why airline pilots have these detailed checklists that they go through. The human brain is inherently not designed to registering whether you have everything you came with, or everything you need to go forward with. So we end up overcompensating. That’s my theory anyway. It is really not, being in the Heideggerian sense ‘thrown into the world’ that We need to function in, our fault.
1
This is a fantastic viewpoint on overcoming mental health obstacles. In coming to terms with the illness, it gave you all the power to change. And I know that is not easy in the slightest but it can be done as you have shown us. It will never be completely gone but there are ways of managing it to where it does not take over your life. This is an especially great article for anyone who is dealing with the same mental struggles and they do not think other people understand, but there is other people! Very insightful!
6
Rich, the acronym is actually C-D-O, in alphabetical order, as it should be! :).
7
In my experience, a mental illness isn't something you can kick, like a bad habit. Curious that he was able to be "cured" simply through sharing.
16
This is correct. A mental illness, like OCD ( a species of anxiety) is a brain disorder. It might be ameliorated by drugs, it might fade as a person ages, but it will not disappear, and may be triggered by by stress like the death of a spouse or parent or a divorce.
6
Even inherited or "genetic" behaviors can be unlearned.
1
That is a confusion of terms. Genetic refers to innate behavior like acquiring a first language. Learned refers to behavior that is acquired by experience and can be modified. Innate behavior cannot be modified or unlearned.
1
I'm conflicted on how to react to this article. on the one hand, I applaud the author for publicly revealing what to all of us OCD sufferers feels like shame. on the other hand OCD sufferers have different brain chemistry anatomy and giant revelation won't bring a cure.it seems like exposure response inhibition works the best. As a struggling kid one day I decided it was an attitude problem so I declared myself cured. Strangely this had no effect on my neurochemistry or neuroanatomy.
21
I've claimed for sometime to have OCD, but I believe my OCD is not irrational or even harmful. I hate clutter. I can tolerate minor clutter and then I go into overdrive to organize. This has worked well for me. I have collections of art material, but its organized, same with tea cups and tea pots. I think without a degree of OCD my work as a Civil Servant would have been an ordeal, instead I thrived in an environment where keeping track of details is a necessity. OCD is only a negative if applied to pointless endeavors, direct it to constructive efforts and you have something worth doing.
5
There's an essential distinction between a drive for cleanliness, organization, precise order, or lack of clutter... and the actual, chronically disabling obsessive-compulsive disorder. OCD has made its way into common parlance in ways that lead to light-spirited misuse of the term + profound misunderstanding of the genuine condition.
See, for example, this article, which you might find illuminating: https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/02/ocd-is-a-disorder-not...
12
OCD is not just not liking clutter or paying attention to details. That’s just being tidy. OCD is a debilitating medical issue, and its seriousness is made light of by people claiming “a little OCD” is why they’re so tidy.
13
These are not symptoms of OCD. You just don't like clutter and chaos and pay close attention to details and processes. For example, if my OCD daughter's teddy bear was in a different place from where it should be, she thought it meant she had gone into another dimension. While she was at her worst nothing in the house could be moved without her knowledge or she would flip out. By tapping objects in her world twice, she could anchor herself to her correct world. I truly believe that during the worst of her illness, had I left her alone and the house caught fire, she would have died double tapping her light switch.
By saying you have OCD, based on being organized and detail oriented, you dilute the seriousness of the condition.
In other words, if your teacups were disorganized, and you had to chose between going to work and organizing the teacups, and you go to work and organize the teacups later, you don't have OCD. If you stay home from work organizing teacups by type, then reorganize them by color, then by production year, because if you don't, there is some sort of significance, you probably have OCD.
OCD is a clinical descriptor of behaviors, not a spectrum of 'uptightness'
21
In my unprofessional opinion, OCD exists on more of a spectrum. Everyone has their own compulsions. There's always some lucky trinket or a piece of furniture that needs to be placed just so. Most ritualistic traditions are a form of compulsion really. If you do the same thing enough times, not doing the same thing feels inherently wrong. How much you obsess over the failure of a certain ritual is an open question.
What Mr. Monahan describes is a place on the spectrum that has crossed a line into a health condition though. OCD is not unlike addiction in this sense. Compulsion can be perfectly fine and healthy in a certain moderation but, like any drug, true addiction begins consuming every aspect of your life one piece at a time. I can't say when a compulsive habit becomes obsessive compulsion in the same way I can't say exactly where abusive drinking becomes alcoholism. You know it when you see it though.
The good news is I feel like the habits that lead to problematic compulsion are the same habits that help people breakout of OCD. There's a mental focus and resilience that is very unlike insobriety. The trick is directing that focus in way that breaks its own bad habit.
6
Although you had your downs, it’s nice to see you always implemented a “bright side” to your OCD. For someone who doesn’t know a lot about OCD, I appreciate the immense amount of detail. I would have to agree that going to college can be an unexpected curveball and unfortunately mishaps do occur. I’m glad overtime you became more comfortable about expressing that little piece of you that not many knew about. Many things happen one step at a time, it’s as if you were put in all of those situations for a reason, so you could finally “go nuclear.” Expressing that bit about you and having a turnaround experience you didn’t expect was exciting and extremely important, not only for you but for those who are currently suffering and now get to hear your story.
2
What a delightfully self-aware and heartfelt-without-being-corny-or-cloying piece. Made my day.
5
This is a nice, uplifting article. I am always pleased to see mental health disorders being discussed and brought more into the public lens. One of the scariest parts of these health issues is the fact that the topic is relatively taboo. Thankfully, more and more stories like this are being made public which helps transform these issues into less stigmatized topics. Though clearly the topic of mental health is still stigmatized. It is refreshing to read a story of someone making progress with their disorder, and I think stories like this provide more hope for those who are still struggling.
7
OCD is a disease unlike any other. It is not visible or physically painful, but to those who fall victim to the disease, they feel alone and misunderstood.
This article shows that those struggling with OCD do not have to fight the battle on their own. And while the brain is unknown and complex, just having one person share their experiences, failures and accomplishments, could help another find a solution, or even better, a cure. Ruch Monahan had the courage to speak out about his disease and for that, the world should thank him and applaud his accomplishments.
11
I struggled with this article and the author's perspective. As someone with (mild) OCD and a family members with extreme OCD I can say with certainty none of our compulsions are born out of sense "if I do X then I will get Y."
Our compulsions have no rhyme or reason, we feel instinctual compelled to do what we do. I am certain, back when the world was fraught with more dangerous and incurable illnesses, there was benefits that OCD gave us; an edge in survival (think compulsive cleanliness and hand washing). In today's world, it helps me and my family members excel at our very technical and detail oriented jobs, checking and rechecking facts and figures. Although it still comes with some debilitating downsides including depression and insomnia.
I feel the author's view that OCD leans more towards superstition and is dismissive of the challenges that many of us face without any easy "triggers" to excuse or rationalize our behavior. And, given this view that people engage in compulsion to get something, then the vast majority of people would be OCD. Wearing their "lucky shirt" when their favorite sports team plays, using the same numbers for lotto or even praying.
9
God speed buddy. Thanks so much for sharing this. So much respect for you (and the folks writing comments here!) with courage to keep fighting for mental health.
8
I've had a few brushes with OCD-type behaviors and the problem is, even when I realized what was happening, OCD is irrational. It's very tough to 'logic' your way out of it. Our inner brains are as vast, mysterious and often weird as all of outer space.
14
Good for you. If this were the answer for all mental illness, I’d be carefree and therapist free by tomorrow.
8
There are so many areas of the brain that still need to be unlocked.
One person's OCD can be another's debilitating disease where they cannot move through the day or society without ''adjusting'' things in such as a way for them to feel comfortable.
One person's cure ( getting help to get out of the maze ) can also mean absolutely nothing ( or worse ) to another.
With all mental health problems, the solutions ( if there are any ) are going to be unique to each person, just as much as they are ( and their minds ) an individual. There is no simple box to tick off.
There are only endless adjustments ...
5
In my own struggle with OCD I have found that exposure therapy works well. I trigger the anxiety without giving in to the compulsion that temporarily relieves it. At first my anxiety is mile-high, but over a few days it gradually diminishes until it is gone. I don't think there is a permanent cure...I have a relapse every year or so, but in my 30s I had a two-year daily bout with it, and it was horrible and dominated my life. I couldn't concentrate on anything else and peace and joy were unattainable. Then I learned about exposure therapy. So a few days year where I have to relearn the solution is worth it. I think the writer learned how to do this and if it worked for him, great. As with every guest writer for the NYT, attacking him for sharing his experience seems counter-productive.
15
That's so great. You were brave enough to reject the comfort of magical thinking and used the best treatment for shame: 'exposure' to someone you trust.
I wish it did work for everyone. The degree of the condition matters in full success. But your method can be used by everyone to diminish obsessions.
[I'm a counseling psychologist for 40 years, so I've got a bit of anecdotal research.]
4
Results not typical.
15
That is a critical point. Being self-disclosive is just fine were this simply a moral problem. Rather OCD has its origins in brain chemistry and neural connections. Regrettably being open about it is unlikely to make it go away.
6
"I have not had a single compulsion since." If only it were that easy. I have shared my OCD with many people, and yet my symptoms persist, going "nuclear" may have worked for the author, but I think for the majority of the suffers - that option isn't going to have the desired result -a complete and total cessation of symptoms. My OCD helps me control situations that feel very out of control - I have been in therapy the majority of my adult life - stress makes my symptoms worse - yoga and a safe space - helps calm my anxiety - and makes the OCD manageable, but it never completely goes away. It feels like a "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" tell everyone what is wrong with you - and voila - you can be cured - and as a bonus - get an article in the NY Times - who wouldn't want that!!
12
As a former person with OCD, balancing the universe and seeking world peace by touching walls in odd number combinations (clearly it hasn't worked), it's nice to know I am not alone.
8
I was a child when OCD struck me. I'm 66 now and there was no word for it back then. It started with compulsive hand-washing to the point where my hands bled. It was the 1950s and mom knew something was wrong but didn't know how to address it. She didn't think it was a mental health issue and, instead, thought I could control it, but I was only 7 when it started. This ritual went on for years until I morphed it into a bedroom ritual similar to what Mr. Monahan describes. I won't go into all of what I did at bedtime, but the numbers kept building in each ritual until it took me two hours to go to sleep. With no help to understand why I was doing what I was doing, I was left to my own devices to try and stop it, especially, the night before I was going to college and live in a dorm. I was determined not to take my bedtime rituals with me. So, here was my strategy: I forced myself to go to sleep without doing any of them. If I was to make it through the night and wake up and all was fine, then, in my head, I could do this strategy again in the dorm. Well, after many panic attacks, I finally did fall asleep. When I woke up, all was fine and I did stop doing these rituals in the dorm. However, I have OCD until this day. I know how to cognitively intervene better and can channel it positively into work and athletics. But what was my original fear? Years later, I realized I was trying to prevent my parents from being taken by the Nazis. I am the daughter of Holocaust survivors.
48
Interesting. OCD is rather mundane then. Dud you should come out much earlier.
I, too, carried morbid shame, but about being transgender, until, finally unable to shoulder the horror of my genetics and another John Wayne movie, told everyone. But unlike you, lost the majority of friends.
So lesson: if it is sexual nature, give up hope. If it is OCD, you're home free!
2
Then they weren't really your friends. Don't give up hope!
3
My congratulations to you for blowing this up. Everyone should be as strong in turning directly to their inner demons and saying, "I see you and I give you no more power." Well done!
5
A very insightful piece of writing, but I'm concerned by the repeated use of the word 'shame', as if the sufferer has been engaging in disgraceful behaviour. Perhaps embarrassment might be a better word to use? A sufferer of OCD - or any other mental health condition, has nothing to feel ashamed of.
8
Insecurity or inadequacy probably fit better than shame as the underlying motivation for OCD rituals. We do tend to colloquially think of it as "feeling shame".
1
Did "therapy" include one of the very effective meds for OCD like fluvoxamine and clomipramine?
7
I am extremely happy for Rich. Let me start with that.
However, I find the title to this article irritating. As someone suffering from OCD and who is social in the OCD community, the idea of "kicking it off" is ridiculous. Can you "kick off" Schizophrenia and a Bipolar Disorder as well?
I don't want to pick things apart, but when the matter at hand gives the wrong impression of a disease to a wide range of people, it bothers me. OCD is a serious condition, and the title trivializes it like a bad habit. This comes as no surprise, OCD is often trivialized by the media. This keeps young OCD sufferers from seeking help, they don't see it as a problem until something happens that they NEED to seek help.
Also, these media perceptions are why - unlike the author - I'll never talk about my personal struggles among peers. My experience with OCD sounds more attune to schizophrenia than the typical media OCD narrative.
As someone with OCD, this article gave me a bad taste in my mouth. I'm happy for Rich, but it doesn't help to shine a more nuanced light on the disease. Which I think is necessary.
36
JR's response is a wise and accurate comment.
7
I developed OCD in 24 hours, from a double-strength epilepsy prescription, given in error by the pharmacist. Suddenly, there was a dog in every sentence that I uttered: quite bizarre. I went straight to the hospital. I'm now on OCD medication, and it works.
Don't try to tough it out with mental illness. And don't assume you'll never have to deal with it yourself.
10
When did take the wrong medication, and are still taking OCD medication?
1
"Don't try to tough it out with mental illness." Amen to that, Oriole. Good advice regardless of however your brain decides not to pitch in and help.
5
So the conclusion is that if you have a serious mental illness, you need to get treatment for it.
I'm waiting for the next Times articles on how if you keep having chest pain and shortness of breath or if you are losing your eyesight, you should seek professional help .
2
Seems to me the author didn't "kick" anything.
5
An interesting narrative that adds a bit of humor to unique challenges many of us face in our own ways, and the effort we do to hide them as we all try to appear "normal" enough to everyone else.
4
I had the same experience on a smaller scale. After having my kids I suffered from intrusive thoughts OCD (diagnosed by me; I never sought treatment). I would constantly think about awful things that could happen to my babies. I eventually told my husband, and he didn't think I was crazy and we laughed about it. Then the thoughts just faded away.
4
What an amazing, empowering piece. My family is steeped in severe mental illness, and the author's turning toward the light of truth is breathtakingly beautiful.
In my research and therapy, I have learned that the genesis of mental illness is a turning away from truth. In order to maintain my mental health, a big part of my life involves facing the truth, no matter how painful. When I face my truth, and share it with others, I unburden myself of symptoms that crop up from avoidance.
And in sharing truth with others, we get a fuller understanding of each other.
18
I'm happy for the author's extraordinary recovery, especially after suffering for so many years. But I think his experience is unusual.
OCD may be at least partly due to genetics. My grandfather had to keep his many pairs of shoes aligned. This was before there was a name for his compulsion.
Medication can help, along with psychotherapy. For most of us, though, OCD is a lifelong affliction. The symptoms can be eased but it's always there.
62
While I absolutely commend the writer on a beautiful piece and his journey, I think one thing is important to note: you can't just "kick" a mental illness. The process for the writer wasn't "I was honest about my compulsions, so they all magically went away". It's a process that probably included therapy, support, and sometimes medication. Similar to how one can't "kick" type 1 diabetes, only manage it with insulin and a doctor's care; OCD and other mental illnesses can't be permanently cured, only managed.
Don't want to take away from the author's piece or perspective at all, but I just think it's important to clarify that a mental illness isn't the person's fault or something they can "out-think" or "kick" with the right thought patterns. For some people, even therapy isn't enough and medication is required to help stabilize/correct brain chemistry and enable therapy to be effective.
89
Actually, anxiety disorders are probably the only psychiatric disorders amenable to cures, rather than just treatments; a classic example being successful treatment for arachnophobia. It seems all anxiety disorders start from or could be responsive to thinking, or both.
Anxiety is a highly heritable trait and anxious parents then double-down on their kid's genetic load by raising that child in a high-anxiety environment. Growing up with two utterly insecure and compulsively neurotic parents, I struggled with anxiety - so habituated to the crazy looping thinking that I didn't even recognize the problem for years. Isn't this repetitive insanity how everyone thinks? Doesn't everyone wash their hands 40 times a day? I might be the only person whose dentist has directed to brush less often. Why now have multiple identical clothing items in case you lose several pairs of Levi's 501s?
Still, once I learned these thinking loops, like the corresponding goofy antics, were just burdensome habits, I set about methodically eliminating all from my life. Now, on rare occasions when I start getting obsessive loopy thinking, I force myself to turn it off. It was hard, at first, because even habits we hate are comforting, but like quitting smoking it's so freeing and saves your life.
9
We all find ways, large and small, to hide the pain we feel.
Thank you for being able to write it so you can share this nugget: " the whole point of this conversation is that I am ill-equipped to make that assessment."
Looking forward to whatever you write.
29
I wonder if short term memory loss plays a role like locking the front door or making sure the stove is off, but then wondering twenty seconds if you checked the front door or the stove?
4
I would assume not with OCD, I am a checker. I know full well I've locked it, and locked it, and locked it 5,10 or 15 times. I know this, but my brain tells me maybe I didn't so I try to say it out load as I do it again, and walk away. Then I and question again, did I lock it? I do this while one side of my brain tells me to stop and the other tells me to keep going. Then I check the 5 burners on the stove even though no one used it that morning, because maybe one went out and gas could fill the house. It's not logical even though I wish it was. For me it's triggers from childhood, I use to have a stove with burners that would blow out and someone tried breaking into our house when I was a kid. It's nice that I can point to something to try to help myself. I'm still learning about my own OCD so I'm not sure how it might work for others.
18
That really simplifies a paralyzing and complex affliction into an insultingly simple one, which I can assure you it is not.
3
@Tiffany. I was posing a question, not trying to insultingly simplify the issue as the other commentator suggested. Like you, this is a personal issue. I think there might be a mechanical issue that the eyes see and maybe even the brain registers what the eyes see, but the memory just evaporates several seconds later. There are improvised fixes that reinforce the memory like kicking the door jam while turning the key. With a smart phone you can take a photo of the stove knobs in the off position. Then when you have arrived at your vacation destination and are starting to obsess about whether you turned off the stove, you can say, yes, I have a picture of that. Works for me.
2
Thank you for sharing your journey. I too have found that my days are more enjoyable by sharing my state of mind with others. Plus I know that there are others around me who have their own unique mindstates...and I figure if I share it might allow them to be more at ease. We are all in this (life) together.
9
Glad it's going much better now for Rich, and like others, feel bad it took him so long to get the counseling he needed. Fortunately, his therapist knows what he/she is doing.
Besides the service performed to others, three bonuses are the other surprise ending (i.e. his friends then revealed their "weird things, showing these were there, but also hidden, all the time); some nice phrases: "brain misfired," and particularly "bizarre sense of causality;" and the first time I've seen admission that one's assumed ability to make common sense "assessments" (of causality) can be faulty. The latter may have wider relevance.
I've been wondering. If I combine some of these with historic years of ignorance about how children with dyslexia were treated before we knew; some confusion I still hold about degrees of, and differences between, mental (struggling for the nouns)...something (struggle, issue, impairment, condition, disorder, illness, incapacity); learning styles/disabilities we know about, and those we don't yet--is there going to be anything left to whatever "normal" was once thought to be?
What if we're all a "this" or a "that?" It just may not be named yet.
What are the implications for how we treat each other, and assumptions about how much self-control others we find "different" actually have?
I don’t want to give up on free will, but along with rationality, the scope for them seems to be shrinking.
14
I sure understand what it means to have your friend age out. My best friend in childhood decided that I was not popular enough when we started high school and stopped being my friend. Her behavior was devastating to me.
24
I've been a psychologist for decades and have noticed that, more than is the case with any other mental disorder, shame is ubiquitous in OCD. So much so that I think it inheres in the disease. I suspect it is triggered along with the other brain structures and neuronal processes responsible for OCD.
For a couple of years now I've been conducting a group for OCD sufferers.
The focus is on encouraging participants to stick with the exposure and response prevention which (often along with meds) is the indisputable gold standard of treatment. To be sure it has an intensifying effect in this regard.
Beyond this, however, it is has proven to be a powerful agent in reducing shame and isolation. Some members wept when, for the first time in their lives, they experienced empathy and support from peers who really “get it.”
This young man's experience notwithstanding, don't expect your symptoms to disappear simply because you've disclosed. Doing so, however, should alleviate shame and isolation, secondary sources of suffering, and will make it easier to manage your OCD.
121
I deeply respect your openness. That you found your way beneath your shame to find connection and love is evidence of courage and integrity. I'm a therapist, and it brings me joy to witness the healing of shame in my clients, in my loved ones, and in strangers like you who share your stories. It makes a positive difference to you and the world around you when you do the scary work of facing your deepest fears. Thank you for sharing.
You might like this article I wrote about courage: https://medium.com/the-mission/2-mistakes-you-make-because-youre-scared-... It reminds me of some of what you did for yourself when you began to share your story with others.
9
In case it helps someone else, I also cured my own OCD, which manifested as intrusive thoughts rather than ritual actions, over 30 years ago. I recognized that the intrusive thoughts were an expression of a misplaced sense of guilt, an exaggerated conscientiousness. I kept telling myself I was a good person and it eventually stopped.
42
If you 'cured your own OCD" then you didn't have OCD to begin with. it has nothing whatsoever to do with your self worth.
5
Not necessarily. Cathy may have had a predisposition for it but she was able to intervene before it really manifested itself. OCD started for me decades ago before the medical community knew much about it. But if I'd known what I know now, I might could have stopped my own manifestation from going full blown. And I never had it as bad as some, for sure. As a middle aged person I've done the exposure therapy and follow the method prescribed in "Brain Lock" to manage it but never fully eradicate.
2
Lori Marino, "PhD"--
Many professionals would disagree with you, including me. Intrusive thoughts can indeed have a lot to do with what Cathy is describing.
1
I'm happy for you that you were able to overcome this behavior.
Off-topic: Does religion trigger the same parts of our brain involved in this type of behavior? For example, if you want to go to heaven, pray regularly and donate to the church / temple / mosque. There is no evidence that it works, or that there is even a heaven, but millions of people do it.
20
Why I don't say the rosary. Instead of being meditative, it once again leads me down the path of if you say x amount of rosaries this will or won't happen. So yea, religious rituals are a trigger, at least for me.
31
yes, there are religiously themed compulsions. speaking as an observant, happy Jew however the point of my observance is not for a better seat in heaven, it's for a better life in this world. not happier or wealthier; just better as in connected, inspired, lifted. also, and this is about the lack of evidence of heaven, the lack of evidence of anything doesn't logically or scientifically prove something doesn't exist. all it proves is that there's no evidence at the moment.
15
@josh: Well, I think there may be a point to what Commentator Man is asking. I know that what I'm going to say is very controversial, and I certainly don't mean to offend. But things like not using the elevator on Shabbos, for me, seem akin to the kinds of things the author was doing to try to influence outcomes in his life. It may not be that way for everyone, it may not be that way for you, but I do think it is that way for at least some. You follow certain rules which you believe come from God, out of a feeling of devotion and out of the desire to "draw close" to the source of those rules. But is that real? You see what I'm asking: just because you and many others deeply believe something, does that alone make it real? This is a question many Times readers ask, as evidenced by so many comments pertaining to religion whenever the subject comes up. So why not bring this too out into the open?
16
Fitting: share your thoughts.
Who else is the creative type? I always try to think of things that are witty, rather than focus.
3
Okay, this is a therapist weighing in. It's wonderful that the author found a way out of OCD, which can be so tortuous. It's wonderful that he was able to tell his family and friends; the shame of OCD and the need to keep it secret, can be the worst part of living with it.
But everyone's OCD is different, and often OCD does not get better this quickly or this completely. There is help-- all kinds of help. And if someone reading this felt more shame thinking their OCD should have gotten better as quickly as the author's-- well, that would be a shame.
Perhaps it would have been helpful if the NYT offered links to other articles or resources on OCD. The international OCD foundation is one place to start:
https://iocdf.org/
352
I'm also a therapist, and I had exactly the same concerns as kmiller after reading the article.
14
I deeply understand your concerns. We all must keep in mind that this gentleman is speaking for himself and not for everyone who grapples with OCD. He respectfully expressed his experience, a very empowered experience. He and all of us should not feel timid or discouraged from respectfully sharing our individual experiences because we fear triggering others.
4
People in general have no idea how physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting OCD is for those who suffer. Thanks for giving such a good picture of this aspect of OCD.
8
Dr. William Walsh of the Walsh Institute has done some interesting work diving into the biochemical processes that influence the disorder which suggests that a severe nutrient imbalance combined with high oxidative stress and/or heavy metal can contribute to this disorder. So, there is hope beyond traditional medications, which often don't work for some. I had a few bouts with OCD, especially postpartum OCD but am I'm lucky to have just OCPD (Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder) now. I have experimented with quite a lot of therapies and found what works for me now is managing my gut health through diet and high powered probiotics combined with getting my body into a parasympathetic state as much as possible through mindfulness and specifically (Integrative Restoration) has even taken the edge of my OCPD. Different things work at different times and all built upon the years of traditional and cognitive-behavioral therapy I've been fortunate to receive. (Read Naked by David Sedaris, specifically the chapter A Plague of Tics, if you want to laugh and feel not so alone with your seemingly strange behaviors. One of his... licking light switches. Incidentally, he gave it up when he started smoking. Similar struggle and then abrupt conclusion, like Monahan.) Good luck to those on the journey!
8
Enlightening read. A belief in the power of one's mind (plus a little humor) can take us a long way. Even a tiny successful moment can be convincing that there could be more. And I wonder why there are so few comments.
4
I'm so glad you have been able to shed the compulsions of OCD. Many people, even with therapy and medication, are not as fortunate.
The reality of course is that the only one in life we can control is ourselves and sometimes not even that. But time and better thinking habits often bring improvement in our self-esteem and our behavior, thank goodness.
10
Well expressed journey. I have OCD, anxiety disorder and PTSD from childhood trauma. I have great therapy and the clear diagnosis and treatment is liberating. I’ll always deal with it but as with you “shedding light” on it by saying what I know about myself can be helpful.
12
OCD is about trying to exert control when you feel you have none. That’s why it often begins in childhood. Rituals and compulsions are a misguided attempt to quell anxiety. That’s the rational explanation. It does nothing to describe the paralyzing twist in your gut that rendered you immobile when confronted with anything new. OCD shows up in brain scans very distinctly. Medication and cognitive behavioral therapy, the current standard of care, are woefully inadequate. It’s a devastating disorder that has existed for hundred of years, generally doesn’t disappear by talking to people, including therapists, and can be induced by a strep infection or a tick bite (called PANS/PANDAS). Our understanding of OCD would benefit greatly if it were funded like cancer and AIDS, or received a public health response like opioid addiction. OCD is one of the top ten causes of disability according to the World Health Organization. The suffering is immense.
115
Thank you so much for this lucid reply to the original column.
Your description brought a lump to my throat as I am this very afternoon struggling to help a loved with his own insights into this struggle -- One he is only just becoming aware of, painfully, and haltingly. The suffering from OCD is also a situation for families forced to adjust, to arrange around and anticipate, and to mitigate.
8
Great, honest and poignant essay. Thank you for sharing. I’m happy you have relief from the disorder.
I think when anyone with a secret shares it the power of holding the secret is dissipated. I hope this information helps others however it may. Good luck!
12
I think this story points up folly of psychiatric diagnoses that concern themselves with behaviors and beliefs but mostly ignore the physiological differences that distinguish illness and injury from maladaptive psychological patterns.
As several commentors have mentioned, OCD has been tied to alterations in the brain that make it very difficult to overcome the obsessive and compulsive responses to anxiety that define the psychiatric disorder. Further research outside the field of psychiatry reveals inflammatory immune responses that are capable of causing neuronal death in the brain, which releases the excititory neurotransmitter glutamate, leading to more brain cell death and damage. When such a physiological process is underway, controlling the mind well enough to execute a psychological coping strategy can be difficult, if not impossible.
Unfortunately, most of that is missed by psychiatrists who hand out drugs that do not target the cytokines driving the process while they insist that their patients spend time with therapists whose help is undermined by the underlying autoimmune disorder and brain injury.
It is great to hear that someone was able to reduce their anxiety with a social strategy sufficiently to change their awkward behavior. For most people with OCD thoughts and behaviors, however, that will not deliver the decisive success described in this tale unless it is combined with neurotransmitter and immune system interventions. Even then, it may be difficult.
22
Psychiatric treatment consists of what health insurers call "medication management." Diagnosis and treatment of OCD is controlled by pharmaceutical companies, which design the medical school curriculum. The companies also provide ongoing "education" for doctors about the latest drugs for treating OCD and other mental disorders. The only legitimate treatment for OCD is pharma drugs; psychiatry doesn't acknowledge any cure for it, nor for any other major mental disorders. Psychiatrists are trained to diagnose and treat symptoms.
3
I have suffered with OCD my whole life.Sometimes it would come and go.It was bad from age 5 to age 11 stopped for a few years and then hit me in adult hood really bad.I have a fear of germs so bad that i cant retain a relationship.Things like kissing seem disgusting to me along with all sorts of other contact.I have lost jobs over it and i have never been able to fully beat it.I was put into a crisis center for attempted suicide because of my fears.I have terrible compulsions that makes me perform rituals and its hard to even use the internet because i feel if i dont click certain links or avoid certain words in comments bad things will happen.I found the only thing that helped is cannabis because it stops my mind from thinking to much and allows me to relax.Without it i become depressed and my mind owns me.
49
I'm glad you've found some relief in cannabis. The book Brain Lock by Jeffrey M Schwartz also helped me. It might be worth getting outside help but you'd have to find someone who really knows their stuff. Someone in these comments mentioned exposure therapy monitored by a medical professional.
1
nonsense . . . william wilson dallas texas . . . cannabis is worse than tobacco smoke and fixes nothing other than making you feel "soothed"by your own numbness . . . from the sixties and been there . . .
They wanted to try behavioral therapy on me back in 04 but because my suicide risk i didn't go forward with it.I would spend my childhood reading medical books scaring myself thinking i had diseases.I was kissed by a girl i just met when i turned 22 and spent 2 years thinking i caught hiv and after 20 tests negative they locked me up for a few weeks to try various medications.Some medications made my body tremor and others made me feel like i wasnt human.I found some that worked but after a period of time and upping doses they no longer worked.Cannabis is a crutch like any other medication but i dont have the awful side effects.
2
Thank you so much for sharing this, especially your letting yourself be so vulnerable as to tell everyone close to you the whole story...I hope this brings hope to others. And I hope you are much more free and relaxed these days. <3
14
I've lived with OCD my entire life. I take the maximum dosage of Luvox every day for it. There is no cure, as far as I am aware, for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. It is not an easy disorder to live with; it can be extremely debilitating and overwhelming. Still, we go through phases, it comes and goes.
Perhaps it is I, who can never imagine living without it. If the writer feels he can, and he is, then I am genuinely happy for him.
17
The last line is amazing. My only question is, how long ago was this? Did the OCD leave completely, not to return, or was this a short time ago and the behaviors were abridged due to the newfound intimacy and ability to connect with others and relax your state of mind but may return at times of future stress. In any case, good for you, and hopefully it’s for the long-run!
12
The last line is hard to swallow: I can believe that he hasn't acted on compulsions - - but that he never feels a single one? for most it is about learning to "defuse" the impulse, to realize that you can actually not perform certain actions and -- nothing happens.
10
Agreed. The author is described as a "storyteller" - - I wonder how much of his experience has been elided/"massaged" to make for a more tidy piece of writing.
Everyone's level or severity of OCD is different, certainly. I've lived with it for more than half my life but it was never as debilitating as his. Mine started later, at age 15, yet popularity among peers was never an issue (nor the trigger.) I sought therapy much earlier, and currently see a therapist and am on medication, and feel like I'm in a good place. However I believe that to some degree these thoughts will stay with me - - I just try to keep the manifested actions in check. It's a happy medium, but I would never declare myself completely rid of it.
2
I believe NY Times was irresponsible to have published this essay. The author's extraordinary recovery, if true, is hardly typical. Furthermore, his clear implication that the compulsions of OCD arise from a failure to trust or develop intimacy is both inaccurate and harmful to individuals challenges by OCD (myself among them). Before publishing an essay suggesting that mental illness can be cured by earnestness and a willingness to share, perhaps the NY Times' editors should consult a mental health professional. Those of us with mental illness already suffer stigma and shame, in addition to the symptoms caused by the illness itself. We hardly need the nation's paper of record adding further insult to injury.
231
Mental illness is best treated in a secure, safe and open relationship with a caregiver that is nonjudgmental. But, as with all care for any mental illnesses, there's not a perfect cure. My bipolar started in my 20s, but I wasn't diagnosed until my mid-thirties. I've learned enough from my highly successful treatment that what works to bring the miracle moments of understanding and acceptance, ultimately healing, is as individual as we are.
5
This is one person's essay about his personal experience kicking his O.C.D., as clearly stated in the title. At no point does he suggest it's THE cure or THE answer for anyone else. There was nothing "irresponsible" about publishing this essay.
10
I agree with this comment. The author of this essay does not have a typical case of OCD. It is clearly mixed in with other kinds of emotional problems. OCD is not a disorder that can be "willed away" or cured just by admitting you have it. Sure, there is shame but that does not mean that OCD is caused by shame and stigma. OCD has been correlated with problems in very specific brain regions and is helped with behavioral and pharmacological interventions that correct those problems. This essay goes back to the olden days of Freudian psychology when people with mental illness were told to "just get over it". It isn't about your mother or your feelings of self worth. It is about your brain.
7
We have we have a saying in AA (the program for all us obsessive thinkers about drinking, followed by compulsive drinking) - “We are as sick as we are secret.” Glad you discovered the power of telling yours!
11
Thanks, as a friend of Bill myself I think the connection of OCD to alcoholism and drug addiction is very real, but not often mentioned.
2
I never thought of OCD that way. The closest thing I have to it, is that I am kind of a neat freak. Which is rough sometimes because I have to kids under 6 and wife that I will just say...isn't a neat freak. It isn't that by keeping things neat I think people will like me per say...though when I had roommates in college the girls that came over all wanted to use my bathroom and would often end up hanging out in my room (which was large and had couches) because it sometimes was the only clean areas in the house. It is more than when things are messy I want to clean it up and don't really feel comfortable until things are in what I think are their right places. I have forced myself to mellow out about it over the years...living with 4 other single guys in college kind of forced in upon me. But it still drives a part of me bonkers when I get home from work and my house is a mess. My wife is working on her PHD and is plenty busy too. I don't expect her to keep the house spotless my any means. When I come to a house like that, I find myself either cleaning or I just have to leave for a bit and drink a beer, go for a jog, or something to mellow out. Also for the record I imagine when I feel the house is a mess it wouldn't necessarily be consider that by others. It isn't like it is littered with trash and dishes. Just some toy, pillows, shoe, and sometimes clothes let out and not put away in their proper places.
4
So put them away. Why do you expect your wife to do all the cleaning up?
14
Possible OCPD.
2
Hey Dude,
That brought a tear to my eyes...mostly because of how proud I am of you, but partly because I wish that i knew this during our improv days, because i certainly would've moved your stuff around.
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I think you're amazing, and blessed. You found a big secret- that so many of our pathologies go away when we let the light in. I was laughing as I read the ending, and almost moved to tears. Here's to a wonderful future for you!
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Thank you, thank you! I think I am doing so well and then my husband goes and buys a new couch and my old OCD kicks in. For me it's about fear and change. Will the cat scratch it? Will it get stuff spilled on it and not remain perfect. For me there is a definite difference between normal anxiety and OCD. You described the difference in your article. Just what I needed today. Thank you again for being so brave!
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That was a fabulous essay! Thank you for sharing your story with the rest of us, and best wishes for continued well-being!
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It's so great to hear your story. My O.C.D. started around 7th grade too. I was obsessed that my mom was going to die, and my compulsions kept her safe. I spent hours indulging in them every day - lots of counting, walking up the stairs with my right foot touching the wall. checking the doors over and over after my family was asleep, and a prayer that was so infinite that I could never finish it. I also only did these things while alone, and managed to hide it completely from everyone. I was also terribly ashamed and knew that I couldn't tell anyone. In retrospect, I think that was wise because I probably would have been put on medication. It turns out, I didn't need medication to stop. I needed Phil Donahue. One day while flipping through the channels, I landed on his show, and there was a boy walking up a set of stairs on the show stage. I froze and immediately recognized what was happening. After watching the whole show, I realized I wasn't crazy and I told myself I was going to stop. It took a bit of time, but I stopped soon after. Today, over 30 years later, if I'm anxious or bored, I sometimes find myself tracing an outline of something with my eyes. I recognize this as a kind of reflection of those urges. But I'm not obsessed with death, and I don't engage in any compulsions. Just having a name for what I was going through was so powerful.
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This is wonderful - and fascinating. Thank you for sharing it, and for being brave enough to 'come out' to your friends.
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What a great article and a lesson to all of us.
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I found it interesting to read about not only your rituals, but the "logic" behind those. My checking of the stove burners, applying hand lotion...(it's a long list)...have never been about having a "good" day, averting disaster, or achieving a desired outcome--they're simply things that must be done. I feel almost cheated that I don't even have any (il)logic behind them. The takeaway: While it can appear as if we (all of us diagnosed with OCD) are all engaged in the same activities, we're not. The underlying (repetitive) thought processes and expectations often differ.
It does my heart good to know that you have been able to shed your compulsions. Thank you for sharing your experiences and so me hope.
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Thank you, H.L., for pointing out that OCD compulsions need not be purpose-driven. As you say, "they're simply things that must be done" to relieve a psychological need. This was the case with me. After an adolescence of repeatedly checking that my door was locked, counting the number of times I turned when descending stairs and then 'unwinding' myself at the bottom, and chanting the same brief prayer over and over, even while not being religious, my OCD gradually disappeared by itself in my 30's. I wish all here the best.
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This is a great read. I also found 'going nuclear' and telling people about my compusions and intrusive thoughts took away their power. I suddenly saw that others have the same thoughts as I do, but they were fleeting rather than all consuming.My OCD now seems absurd to me, when I feel well of course. There will always be times when it consumes me, but those times can be quite far apart now. Thank you Rich for being a voice for many of us. I wish you all the luck in the world (luck you make yourself of course).
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I wonder if the writer was encouraged by their therapist to tell their story. Shame thrives on darkness. Love defeats shame. The standard treatment for OCD is exposure and response prevention; but a good therapist will know to also seek out and uncover negative core beliefs about the self that drive someone to do what they do. So glad to hear that Rich found the antidote to his OCD.
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You are so brave to share the specifics of your issues with your friends and, now, with the world. Working together, we can heal each other ... and help each other break down the stigma that still surrounds so-called "mental" illness. Good on you, Rich! Keep going.
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Thank you for this enlightening and encouraging story. It describes OCD better than many books I've read, is funny, and even has a happy ending. A perfect story! Not to overemphasize that, because I have a problem with perfectionism, which has some OCD elements in it. :-)
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Wow! Thanks for sharing, Richie! Fascinating stuff. Good luck on your path! Glad your friends helped you through it. XOXO
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Rich, love your courage... could you possibly elaborate on how simply sharing with friends enabled you to drop all compulsions?
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I wonder if it was from releasing his shame (that probably had put his body in a chronic sympathetic nervous system state—fight or flight) and then his body was able to relax and heal and he felt better overall which lead to a reinforcement of the non-OCD behaviors until he didn’t “need” the old behaviors to feel “right.” Just a thought.
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Great! So nice to read a positive.
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Mr Monahan, please look into Stanford University Medical School ‘s OCD adult treatment clinic. They are leaders in OCD treatment, and have helped many with this problem. It has nothing to do with “ psychology”, but rather a brain going haywire in a certain area. I am a clinical Social worker, and have used some of their treatment procedures.They make sense and work! Good Luck!
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But why should he? He's feeling altogether fine.
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Is it possible that changing behaviors can lead to changes in the alterations of the genes that express the way they did in this patient (that causes the brain to go haywire) and then lead to a remission of his symptoms? There is more and more research coming out these days that lead to the idea of the body and mind as a feedback loop. So you influence one and the other changes. Would be great to know the exact mechanisms but the body and processes within are so complex and individual that instead of limiting our thinking to the current status quo the only way we will make progress is to broaden our thinking of how things work and are interrelated. These qualitative examples show that there are different ways to accomplish this, for some
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Because it doesn’t stay in remission without constant vigilance. Like any addiction, anything can trigger a relapse, and preparing for that is how to remain in control. There are behavioral “ tricks” that can be used to back it off when it rears its ugly head.
Wow. Wow! I'm very proud of you!
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"The unexamined life is not worth living." Socrates?
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Perhaps, then, OCD is about the failure to develop intimacy with others.
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Based on one person's experience?
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Can this be generalized, or is the cure specific only to the author? Any comments from therapists?
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You are fortunate. Most people do not share OCD so easily. Way to go!!!
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I meant to say, most people do not beat OCD so easily. Disclaimer: I am a mental health counselor.
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Rich - I wish you the best of luck in your recovery. Keep being open and honest with your friends and family.
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