I'm a male so it is very different, but I could never work in an environment where someone was touching me or doing any of the behaviors mentioned here. If no other options were available I would quit. But then, I have never had a job that meant that much to me.
One thought while reading this is to install a hidden camera, or a camera in plain sight, or an audio recording device. Unfortunately as we read in some of these stories sometimes there is no way to win or even break even. Hopefully with the new awareness society will evolve faster now.
I feel very bad for anyone who has had to endure these a holes. Men and women of like minds should support each other as much as possible. But these situations can be very delicate. A friend in a social group I am part of is very inappropriate and has been all our adult lives, about 45 years. Everyone loves him deeply and he would be very wounded if confronted. Add to this he is often very funny and makes everyone laugh when they probably would not if it were someone else. Life is complicated.
Note to those nerdy, dorky, awkward men who just can't understand that women are simply human beings, not alien creatures and privately are afraid of women. You need to get help as in therapy.
Weirdly the single most powerful cultural avenue for change is probably TV and movies. Note all the black actors in TV advertisements now.
The workplace is where we work...and spend most of our life...
On the workplace, we are often in contact with people our age, our education level... people matching what we would look for on internet dating.
If any kind of personal relationship is to be forbidden on the job, it will mean:
1/ Less scenarios for movies and books
2/ More e-dating
3/ Another step in the alienation between genders...
1
The fourth story is definitely scary: a "videography vendor" (I have no idea what this job is about, but it must be low in the pecking order) tells a woman she is pretty and apologizes about having told her. If this is harassment and deserves getting the poor guy fired, then any kind of aperture from any male to any female can be considered harassment as well.
How do you guys date in the US? Do you expect to be introduced by your families? If this goes on, you'll have to start cloning yourself, because males will be rejected at their earliest move (or word, more appropriate here).
2
I would like The Upshot to revisit this topic and do a much bigger investigation. I would bet that women considered to be highly attractive and beautiful by society's standards have had to put up with unwanted overtures at work, over and over and over again. I would be interested to know how women who have become successful and gained prestige and power in the workplace--learned to handle these overtures and retain their dignity?
5
I was working for 13 years at company that, during the last few years I was there, had us do online sexual harassment training to recognize it when it occurred. Part of the training included reporting if someone told you about sexual harassment or any other unprofessional behavior to HR. Someone told me about inappropriate touching and hugging from a supervisor. I did report it. Six months later I was fired. I did hear that the inappropriate behavior continued.
I do not understand why so many men feel free to touch and otherwise "handle" women at the workplace and in other places. I was physically and sexually abused as a child and I do not like being touched by anyone. When I was a child I couldn't stop it because I would have been hurt further.
There is a way to be friendly to people, especially women, without getting sexual about it. It's called common sense. Say hello to us. Do compliment us when we do a good job. We'll even do high fives with you when the problem has been solved. But don't fondle us, tell us how sexy we look, or tell us be more feminine when we have questions.
20
For the first "Saying something in public" example, is it wise to publicly shame before first complaining privately? Public humiliation can really burn bridges, and I think should be saved for later escalation rather than a first incident.
3
Saying something in public does not necessarily imply shaming, and responses made in private can have consequences as well. Speaking out in public may help to avoid other problems later on and may have the greatest benefits for the community as a whole. Harassers should not expect any privileged status for their harassment. They should understand that harassment burns bridges, too.
5
I am frustrated.
I want to say that some of these fact patterns show a severe lack of common sense and social decency. Being "nicer" translates to "go on a movie date with a married man?" Men are supposed to completely not discuss a women's appearance, even in the professional workplace where appearance matters? I expect all my bosses to let me know when I have a great - or horrible - tie choice. To abandon common sense and social decency ("thank you for the compliment") does these women no good.
But every time I say that I come back to the wrongs from the other side. Don't kiss people who don't want it, as a start, and expect to be punched if you try. And tell the lady her dress/suit looks good for the meeting, not that she is pretty. To place common sense front and center ignores the wrongs committed by the males.
As the father of two awesome little girls, there has to be a way for us to teach our young women to use common sense while still also protecting victim's rights while we do it.
...
Fatherhood is frustrating.
3
Yes, men do not need to comment on a woman's appearance unless they would do so in that same situation to a man. Because it is weird for women to be complimented that way, to stand by while another woman is complimented that way. Just think about it—would you tell another man that you really like his tie? You might ask him where he got it, but you probably would not compliment him in ANY way that implied that you like his appearance. So when you compliment a woman about her dress or her hair, she has to wonder where you are coming from and so does everyone else who hears it. Not so if you are a gay man, by the way, and you tell a woman you like her haircut, or her shoes. And not so if you are another woman, except in any case where it just goes too far, or you look to see that people are uncomfortable. I think you will be great with your daughters—you won't want them to be victims in the first place, and you will try hard and ask questions, and they'll love you for it.
3
Yes, attending the movie was the wrong choice, and I think that's obvious to all readers, and I think it showed the bias of the experts that they did not mention this.
However, if you can't tell the difference between ribbing someone about their tie and a blanket statement in front of a team that a woman is looking "especially pretty," I would recommend you completely refrain from commenting on your co-worker's appearance. How would you feel if a female superior commented, without irony, that you were looking "especially handsome" in front of your direct reports? You'd probably be flattered, weirded out, embarrassed, and wonder if she had a crush on you.
I've had men comment on haircuts and occasionally compliment my clothes throughout my career. I don't find this inappropriate. I've also had the occasional pretty / attractive comment, and I find this inappropriate. Fortunately, the latter has been quite rare, so I've never had to take action.
1
These experts do not address what remedy is appropriate. In fact, that important question is not addressed in most of the recent discussions of harassment.
At times, the implication is that the offending person should always be fired, never hired again, and generally shunned by society. That may be a bit extreme.
4
This particular article is about what a person should do when they've been harassed, not what should happen to people who are guilty of harassment. In other words, it's intended to help the victims, not the perpetrators. Someone else can write a different article on how to help perpetrators.
In fact, how to treat people who are guilty of sexual harassment is an important issue in corporations and businesses, for executives, owners, and managers, who want to run harassment-free workplaces for their employees and customers. These are the people who are administering discipline in cases of sexual harassment. If you think they are being too harsh in disciplining offenders, you should raise the issue with them.
1
A caveat on asking other women in the workplace if they are having the same experience with a male colleague. I did that some years ago. A couple of weeks later, I returned from lunch to a kangaroo court in which I was the one on trial for asserting in conversations with other women that the man had touched me inappropriately. What I should have done was file charges against him with the local police for sexual assault. Of course, in my case, my job was not in serious jeopardy because I was a state employee. They just made it as unpleasant as possible.
15
This is a must read article.
3
When I was working in a lab, two of the technicians left the lab within about a month of each other -- one to graduate school and one to never do science again. The one who was leaving science complained to HR about the inappropriate behavior (sexually and otherwise) of the primary investigator (PI) and asked the technician who was leaving to go to graduate school to do the same. Although the technician leaving for graduate school had just as many valid complaints about the PI, she refused to say anything because she did not trust HR to prevent her report from getting back to him, and she expected that he would take revenge.
I did not say anything when I left the lab either, and he is still on faculty and has been promoted since my departure, so if anyone has made a substantial complaint, it has not damaged his career in any visible manner.
Also, the PI brings in a lot of grant money, including from private donors and foundations. His behavior would have to be completely egregious for him to suffer for his actions, even if he were reported.
8
At the very least, female employees should be warned about him. That worked in California to help bring down a judge. Another approach would be to let his wife know.
5
Most women aren’t crazy, and most men aren’t evil, but most people are socially awkward and sexually clumsy.
6
I'm sorry, that's just not an excuse. As the victim of what you have called social awkwardness and clumsiness, I can testify to how horrible it feels to have someone 'accidentally' brush against you or make weird comments. The "I'm a dorky guy" defense is just unacceptable.
Other than a handshake, you should never, ever, ever, touch a coworker. Don't tell them they're pretty, don't talk about sex. Just do your job.
27
Being socially sophisticated or sexually adroit does not make harassment acceptable. Keep sex out of the workplace and other places where it does not belong. If the situation does not come up then no one has to feel awkward or clumsy. It should not be a problem.
2
Having been molested when I was a child by two family members, I went out of my way to look and act more masculine than feminine in the work place. I was so terrified of men, I assumed I would live a life alone, unhappy, but safe.
And then along came my husband, though at time, he was just a friend of my cousin. He immediately sensed I was emotionally damaged and was screaming out for help and relief from pain and fear I had endured for a life time. It took a long time for him to convince me to seek professional counseling. He was supportive every step of the way, even from the distance I kept him at. Eventually, progress was made with emotional wounds healed, leaving scars for life.
I still instinctively flinch if any man other than my husband touches me. I doubt that reaction will ever disappear and I still dress more masculine than feminine and never put myself in a position where I could be vulnerable whenever a male co-worker is involved.
At the end of the day, I consider myself not only lucky, but truly blessed and fortunate that my husband came into my life. His patience, his sensitivity, and his unconditional love taught me how to be strong, how to trust, and how to believe in myself. And he still thinks I'm the most beautiful woman he ever knew and loves me in jeans, sweat pants, and/or a Packer jersey.
22
Good for many of these women who did something about it and ended the abuse!
Sexual harassment has been against the law since app. 1980.
Countless women have complained, sued and won. I know I saw many in the corporation I worked for.
What not to do is what many women do like Anita Hill, wait many yrs to report it after her career dried up. Even worse, don't report it until the raises or roles stop or even worse initiate the contact or be somebody lie Hillary, M. Streep or NOW that protect predators like Weinstein as long as they are liberals and contribute to their cause.
The only thing as bad as a predator is a co dependent and enabler and yes that includes many women.
Congrats to many of the women in this story that did not do that.
Predators live for these types.
4
"What not to do is what many women do like Anita Hill, wait many yrs to report it"
What a bizarre comment. She did not "report it". She was called to testify in the Senate and did so reluctantly. Even if she'd wanted to report it earlier, did the same workplace protections exist back then for federal employees as exist now? I seriously doubt it. It was only after her testimony did it dawn on those in power that this might be a serious issue.
30
Thank you for your reply bruce.
1-Discrimination against women was outlawed circa 1975.-1980.
2-I believe her alleged harassment by the Chief Justice came after that.
3-She is a lawyer.
Remember what I said bruce, the only thing as bad as a predator is a co dependent or enabler.
Predators live for them.
1
I am a little bothered by some of the responses. For e.g., when a boss commented that an employee looked exceptionally pretty - i think the best thing to do would be to acknowledge with a Thank You and move on. There seems to be no pattern of previous behavior that would make the employee feel that was harassment.
I am afraid that with a suspicious attitude, well meaning comments without hidden agenda can be misconstrued leading to a hostile workplace.
13
Exactly Flikchik, you don't want to put up with harassment or even worse co-depend or enable it but by going to the other extreme and complaining when somebody gives you an occasional compliment or glances at you is another form of hostile environment.
3
But it's innocuous comments like that can be used to groom the victim for more evasive behavior later.
Every one wants a compliment but none that sets the stage for harassment. The work place should be a neutral place. You're there to pick up a paycheck, not your next wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, lover, and whatever else you lack social skills to do on your own time.
12
Moderation Teresa moderation. It is up to the individual. If they think any compliment or glance is unwanted tell the person.
If they don't accept the compliment or glance.
Again, any extreme is hostile, ie harassing somebody or not allowing somebody to give a compliment or a smile
2